Transcript of The Schedule Release Scam: Trading NFL Logic for Soccer Rules (Feat. Ethan Strauss) New

Jetzt nur du, dein Podcast und eine leckere Auszeit. Ab zu ALDI Nord. Für 2,99 bringst du deine Mittagspause mit Sushi ins Rollen. Mmh, lecker! Und für 1,99 gönnst du dir danach noch eine kleine Eiszeit. Bei ALDI Nord findest du immer das Passende. Klingt gut? Dann probier die Snacktime Sushi Box ab 205 g für nur 2,99 Oder Mookie Sandwich Eis je 8 Stück für nur 1,99 Das ist Gutes für alle zum ALDI-Preis. Jetzt in deiner Filiale. Aldi. Gutes für alle.

Hi and hello, football fans. You hear the big news? The 2026 NFL schedule's been released.

Yeah, I know it was released already in January, but now it's been done in a 2-hour primetime special up and down your television dial. And yeah, they, they already told us all the big primetime games and the holiday games because those were leaked out during the week, but still Prime Time Specials. And the thing that's striking to me about this is it's not the biggest time waster on the perennial pro football media schedule. I think in contention is reviewing strength of schedule for the upcoming year based on last year's results, which I'm almost positive have no impact on the upcoming game results. Also a time waster: draft grades made by the same people who just did all the mock drafts that you looked at. So if the team drafted the guy that the mock drafter suggested they take, I bet you that team gets a good grade. And I bet you the teams that didn't take the guy that the mock drafter suggested they take get a bad grade. But let's indulge those draft grades just the same. Also, in-game player and coach interviews. What are we doing with this? Doesn't this steal from the drama that we seek?

When we watch big-time sporting events.

I don't like people talking to me when the game's on. Leave these guys alone, they're trying to focus in, don't you know?

Number 1 though, I think the biggest time waster is in May, before Memorial Day, you understand, going up to a big board in the studio and looking at the 17 games awaiting your NFL team and going through it week by week and asserting a win or a loss to each.

It's May! You don't know who's going to be available. You don't know who's going to be hurt, who's going to get picked up, who's going to retire. You don't know any of it.

What a time waster. By the way, we also don't need to hear from the beat reporters, uh, upon hearing what the schedule is, that your team that you cover has a primetime game, which means you have to work at night. One, it's a humblebrag. Two, No one gives a crap.

You're not doing work.

Work is picking up heavy stuff. You talking about writing into a microphone otherwise about football, that's called cheating life, so shut up. Also, we don't need to hear the hilarious joke every single football season, and now we get another bite at that same apple in May because they do the big schedule release and everybody takes to social media and it's like, welp, I guess you can say goodbye to your wife and kids, 'cause that Thanksgiving slate's pretty good. Derp. You know what? I'm in a mood. Let's just start the show.

Yes!

Hi and hello, my fellow football Americans. Welcome to Football America, presented as ever by DraftKings. DraftKings, the crown is yours. We've got a great talker, one of the best in the business. From House of Strauss and Beyond, a great NBA talker, a great meditator on the game of life, Ethan Strauss, coming up in just a little bit. In the meantime, it's episode number 64. I don't think, Gino Fuentes, we really even need to talk about this one. It's so underwhelming. As you say, once you get into the 60s, you're into the offensive linemen. What player wore the number 64 in football and/or sports history best? You want to throw one in there, you're welcome to. Randall McDaniel, Gino?

You stole my only one.

Jerry Kramer from the Packers.

If you want to go way back in time, yeah.

I got Steve Furness. He wore number 64. I think he got rings in Super Bowl XIII and XIV. I'm pretty sure he replaced— how about that, we talked about Fats Holmes, number 63, on episode number 63, and his I think pretty clean replacement was Steve Furness along with John Banaszak. Either way, nobody cares about all that pap. They do care about the schedule release. And I'm back now in my usual spot in Los Angeles after a great week in Miami, filling in for Dan Lebatard, who happened to be in LA last week. Go back and listen to all the great stuff he did with the comedians and otherwise. Last week we had a good time. At, uh, at Home Base. I did with the Fuentes boys and Buddy Budowski and everybody else. And we did a uniform ranking with our pals Amin Elhassan and Mike Ryan Ruiz. So go back and listen to that. A lot of feedback from you, we appreciate that. And as far as that goes, please do us a favor, subscribe on YouTube and wherever you find your audio podcasts, and leave us some likes and some comments and all that stuff.

It's deeply helpful to us, we appreciate that. Um, but I'm sorry to bellyache, but I said I'm in a mood, and, and here's just part of the reason why. On my flight back, you know, 5-hour flight, 5-hour-plus flight, the couple right in front of me in my row— I'm, I'm in coach because I'm a man of the people, you see. Um, the people right in front of me— and shame the devil if they would have been in my row and I had been in the middle seat here. Um, but right in front of me They, a couple, probably about 65-ish, both heavy, heavy MAGA face, a lot of Botox, deep tans, all the rest of it. They come back and the lady, by the way, has a dog, one of those furball kind of dogs in her arm. She needs it for, uh, for, I guess, for her self-care. Um, and, uh, there's a guy when they get to the row, he's sitting in the middle seat, that's his seat. And, uh, the lady sneaks by him to go to the window And then the guy goes, sorry, uh, I don't like sitting in the middle seat.

And so he sits on the aisle. And now for the next 5 hours, I know what's coming. Maybe the naive guy who's sitting in the middle seat doesn't get it in the moment, but I would have thrown a fit right then and there.

I would say, all right, you guys can sit on the, on the window and the aisle, and I'll sit here in the middle in between the two of you, but you better not try to talk to each other, because if that happens then it's on!

And guess what they did?

They talked back and forth the whole time—

and by the way she put that pooch down and the pooch ran around all over the place bugging people licking little kids' feet...

No no I have questions so the older couple paid for the window and middle seat but then guy who was sitting in the middle told other guys "I'm not gonna sit in the middle." That's what happened?

No, no, no.

Okay, say it.

The guy whose seat assignment was the middle seat was left in the middle seat, and the couple sat on either side of him for a 5-hour flight.

I get it that they, they asked for those seat assignments, but you're a human being, and when you see, well, there's a stranger in between us, you know, you don't get to then do both things. You don't get to have your cake and some pie.

You don't get to like sit in your comfortable seat but then also talk across the guy for the whole flight. This is a lose-lose lose situation.

What happened was female in question sat at the window and they bought the aisle seat hoping nobody would buy that middle seat. Yeah, who wants to sit in there? Sure, okay, the other guy, you know, he needs to get where he's going, but no, he's like, I gotta take this middle. And then the other guy, see, that's where the other guy, he needs to be like, I want to talk to my wife, correct? I offer you this. But then he was stubborn and he needed to insist, so everybody loses, everybody.

No. And the worst behavior here, Dave, is obviously letting your dog run around a flight. Like, that is verifiably insane. Like, if you're going to have a dog on a plane, your dog is either sitting on your lap the entire time because it's— maybe you gave it a, you know, a calming pill or something to fly with, or it's in one of those carrying cases, right, that for small dogs that fits either under the seat, in your lap, whatever. To let a dog run around and annoy other people while they're flying is some of the worst flying behavior I think I've ever heard in my entire life.

It's insane.

America in 2026, bro. No one has a dog.

I don't know if it's a felony to do that, but it is definitely against the rules.

It has to be against the rules. It has to be.

It's 100% against the rules. And I do think that it is some sort of violation of the literal American laws in place because that dog is running around and I think it licked a little kid's foot legitimately a couple rows away. Because as we're deplaning, it was even slower than usual. And what's going on? Why are we not getting off this plane? We're at the thing, I can see the Skyway thing is extended, so what's the holdup here? A couple of badge kind of plainclothes people come onto the plane, then they walk back, and I'm like, uh-oh, what the hell? Well, who did what here? And they stop at the couple and say, we understand there was an incident. With the dog and we need to talk with you about that. And the lady goes, he was a perfect gentleman the whole flight. The dog was a perfect gentleman the whole flight. This is what we're dealing with.

And the long story short, Mike Fuentes, this is America in 2026. How about this? They get off the plane before everybody else. Their dog has a problem. They're like, we have to talk with you. We have to talk with you. They get there, the first ones off the plane.

Look at expert strategy from that woman because once we're 40,000 feet, what are you going to do? What are you going to do?

Pick me up? Pick me up, my dog's got a problem.

Me and the dog. Yeah, you know, and then all you got to do is when the agents come, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I don't know, he's not usually like this, I don't know.

Oh no, but she said perfect gentleman.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. Oh, I don't know, I don't know what happened. And then boom, you're off scot-free. What are they gonna do?

Dave, here's my question.

The only threat is no-fly list, right? When we land on the no-fly list, that's the only thing that's an act people get right. That's the only thing.

But here's my question as well. What if there's somebody on the plane that's allergic to dogs and this dog runs up to the person with allergies and all of a sudden the dog person has an allergic reaction to a dog? By the way, I assume that's why they're—

that why, why it's some sort —a violation in the sky.

I'm looking at American Airlines here. It says that in order to carry a dog, your dog has to remain in the carrier underneath the seat. So they won't even let you— Is that right? They won't even let you sit with your dog in your lap.

Also, that's all recycled air. If anyone on that plane has an allergic reaction to the dog, it could happen in the back row, it could happen in first class, it could happen anywhere.

And clearly these people just don't care about anybody but themselves.

Well, that's the obvious point there. My dog. All right, I want to talk about the—

I mean, I don't want to talk about it, but I guess since— well, can we stay on airport?

Yeah, can we stay on airport etiquette? Because, because isn't it— is coach is now just economy, right? They want to like soften it up. And then first class is business, right?

I don't think that's exactly right. Are they two different things? Still first class, and then there's businesses in between. I think it's like a, the middle class, continue with your bums like me, or in— yeah, continue with your football show.

I'll look this up.

Okay, well, we do have to talk about the, the schedule release, and as it happens, I do like the Thanksgiving schedule. And so I'm sorry to react to that. That is always what I look at first is, well, I look at my favorite football team, but then I look at the Thanksgiving slate because we're all going to be gathered around the TVs watching it all day. So it's important to know who we're going to be looking at.

It feels like it's more or less the same games every year.

We'll get to it. I mean, yes, there are the two teams that play every year on Thanksgiving.

Well, we'll get to that in a second. Very quickly, a new segment I'm breaking out: Over/Under. I know, it's, it's the height of creativity. Over/Under. I'm going to tell you things that are overrated and underrated. On this week's list, overrated: I was in a restaurant the other night, and you know, we go, we go kid-friendly, family-friendly places, and family-friendly places often serve fajitas. It's weird, fajitas smell so good and there's, you know, a lot of, a lot of, you know, they get a lot of turned heads like, oh, look at the smoke, they're fancy people, it's sizzling and everything. Like, you, you feel like the belle of the ball for a couple of minutes when they bring you over that dish. But when it gets to the actual eating, fajitas are a little underwhelming. How say you? I love fajitas.

Yeah, I grew up, I grew up a big fajita guy and it's true, like, part of it is show. You know, you get the sizzle and everybody's like, ooh, 3 words, Dave. You know what they are? Ooh la la. Exactly. Yeah.

I think that, but then I eat it and then I go like, eh, eh, eh. Those are my 3 words.

What would ooh la la be in Spanish? Oy.

My favorite thing about French soccer announcers is I hear a lot of French soccer announcers because I like PSG and they scream in the middle of games. They'll just scream, ooh la la, ooh la la. Like a guy will make a nice move around and then— Like coffee. And then when they score, they'll scream, "Ooh la la, ooh la la." That's Dave's thing.

So good. Here's a quick story about French. I'm in Paris, never been to France, right? I get a little brave.

Steelers-Saints! Yeah. In Paris. Yeah, in Paris.

I go, I'm a little brave, right? I said some French words, I got some stuff done, I get an Uber, I get dropped off, I go to the guy, "Oh, merci," on my way out. He hits me with, "Merci," and then a full paragraph after that. I go, "Ah!" And I run away. That's it. That was my whole story. I hated it. I didn't know how to react. I was like, "Oh my God." I've been up all night.

I can't remember what I said after thinking.

Exactly. I was like, ah, all right, I'm out of here.

That happens to me with Spanish sometimes because sometimes I speak very, very, very little Spanish. And obviously in Miami, it's basically all you hear. And I will sometimes use a little bit of my Spanish and that will open the door for somebody who assumes I speak a lot of Spanish. And then I screw myself completely. And I'm sitting there frazzled.

But un poquito, un poquito. But back to fajitas. I don't know, David, something about making the thing with the grilled onions. I get my perfect amount of guacamole. They smell delicious. Yeah. And I get exactly exactly how I want. The problem is, always run out of tortillas. Never enough tortillas.

Yeah, that's another thing you have to grapple with. I just— in the things that are prepared at the side of the table, and there's the, like, the stuff that has a little show that goes along with it, I abide by the, uh, um, the Benihana guy. I still enjoy that show, and the food is delicious. I like the Caesar at the side of the table. That's very good. And guacamole tableside, also delicious. Just in the rankings, fajitas among that particular food group at the bottom. Another one, when it comes time for dessert, the most overrated dessert on the planet— chocolate lava cake? Um, no, it's tiramisu. Oh, tiramisu. There, there, there are, I think at last check, 4 dozen different ways to prepare tiramisu, or you can call a bunch of, uh, a bunch of ingredients slap together. You can call it tiramisu, and it can look like a cookie, or it can look like a pudding, or it can look like a slice of cake. And every time, like I say, it gets a big C-. I don't think it sucks. I don't think it's terrible. I just don't think it's worthy of the praise that it gets universally, it seems to me.

How say you? No, you're right. It's— I, I don't think it's— there are better Italian desserts in my eye than tiramisu. I think tiramisu is just like a different kind of cake.

I've recently come on to tiramisu. Yeah, it's funny you guys are saying this.

No, no, you know, I don't like tiramisu. Yeah, disgusting. You know what I don't like? Crème brûlée.

Not a big fan.

Oh, I like a crème brûlée.

Really? You like it? Oh, because you like it served at the table.

I like a pudding.

Yeah, and a little blowtorch and a little crack on top, you know? No, no, I don't like the pomp and circumstance.

I think that they have to break out—

No, I don't like that. Yeah.

So what you're telling us is you don't like foods with pomp and circumstance except Benihana, except hibachi food. That's the only food with pomp and circumstance that you like.

I told you I like a Caesar salad. I already told you. Listen up, buddy Podolsky. One more thing that's overrated.

Do you like the pasta in the cheese wheel? Like a cacio e pepe in the cheese wheel?

I do like that cheese thing. I didn't like when my kids were being born, when the baby comes out and then they're like, hey, Dad, you want to cut the cord? Like, no.

No, you're professionals, you're doctors, you do it, man.

I don't understand what I'm doing here. I have no medical training.

I have no medical training.

You should not be asking me to do it.

It's deceptively hard to get through too. I agree with that.

Yeah, I'm sure it is. It's really hard to get through. Yeah, it's a giant cord.

Next time I'll tell the guy, hey, I'll cut this and then you go do a show on Thursday with Dave and then we'll call it even.

You feel terrible.

You feel terrible because yeah, it's not a clean cut, Gino, but another one. Is, uh, overrated. With all due respect, and maybe the Australian Open in tennis is a little lamer, but the PGA Championship is pretty bad. It's one of the four majors, and it's basically like the US Open but not as good.

But I have—

they used to do decades and decades ago, it used to be match play.

That's a distinguishing feature, you see. Have some dignity, stand out on your own, PGA Championship. Go back to match play.

Now you'll matter to people a lot more than you used to. Instead of going from August into May, which is apparently the solve for that— I don't know exactly what that corrects— do what I'm saying. Match play.

I never, I never knew it was match play before, Dave. I've always wondered what the distinguishing feature is because the Masters is obviously the Masters. It's Augusta National. It's got the whole pomp and circumstance. The Open, you play on a links course, which they never do any other time of the year. The US Open has the thing with the super, the most difficult courses in the country with the super thick rough But what is the defining feature of the PGA Championship other than that it's technically the championship of the tour? Like, I, I never—

maybe— or maybe, maybe do like a thing like you sometimes see golfers do this, like the whole round of golf has to be played with a 6-iron. Everybody, that's the only club you get. Something like that. That's good. Really? That's good. Stand out.

That, that's, that's good. That's, that's good. Take the caddy out of it. You know what?

Everybody would know. Everybody would know.

Like, I can't wait for the PGA Championship, you know?

Um, it'd be kind of like a COVID title. It would be not— it would count the same, but it would be something different than all the other titles that have been won. Um, now because I'm just not just nothing but, uh, piss and vinegar, I want to— I, I want to show that, uh, I, I do remain a great empath and tell you about something underrated in society, and that is the men of the Alpha Beta fraternity at Adams College, the Adams-Adams football team. That pretty much all the guys in the Alpha Beta fraternity were on the Adams-Adams football team. And we lost Ogre, maybe the enduring legend, the enduring icon of the, uh, the nerd bullies at Adams College way back when. We lost Ogre. He passed away, the actor did. But A shout out to all of them. You know, Stan Gable, the quarterback, the tow-headed, uh, um, everybody's All-American guy, was in fact an All-American quarterback. And when they show the practice with John Goodman out on the big fancy field and all of that, there are 20 guys total on the team.

These guys, I mean, these guys are—

some of those guys obviously by definition are playing on both sides of the ball, and still they have All-Americans on that team. I mean, that's gumption, really. That's overcoming the odds. And at the same time, they're the big men on campus, and so that comes with a certain amount of prestige. You see, they're surrounded by all the good-looking women and everything, but that's not enough for them. This is a message for everybody out there: never settle. Keep your foot on the gas in life, because Stan Gable could have just relaxed with a blonde on either arm and All-American status, but that wasn't enough. No, he and Ogre and the rest of the fellas needed to conquer the nerds, and so they vanquished the nerds, or they tried to. They did their goddamn best and came up a little bit short because the Lambda Lambdas Lambdas went and got some of their friends from other Lambda Lambdas Lambdas chapters to come and lean on the Alphabetas, who were underdogs, like I say, and shrunk under that pressure.

But no matter. A shout-out to Ogre and to Stan Gable for being heroic and never settling And not be— All-American, not enough!

What more can I do to improve the Alphabetas and the Addams Addams? A shout out to Ogre and to Stan Gable. And have you ever seen Revenge of the Nerds? Mike Fuentes?

I was literally just telling Danny I've only seen it once, so I'm only like getting half of what you told me. But you know what? Gonna rewatch it tonight because I was looking for something.

Yeah, I know him as Ray Jackson from Bloodsport.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, he was Ray Jackson in Bloodsport.

I know, a lot of people hit me up with that. Down at the Kumite. Yeah, a lot of people let me know. Dave, have you ever seen—

The 1996 film The Quest?

No, I don't think so.

It's another Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle, and it's basically the same thing. He gets invited to a kumite, but it has like— now the World Cup's coming along, it kind of has like that international thing where every country sends a representative and they have a big fight at the end. And guess, guess who wins at the end? Can you guess, Dave? Ogre? No, Jean-Claude Van Damme wins. Oh no. Yeah.

Uh, I like the one— I like the Van Damme picture where, where the guy he fights where both sides— I mean, it's really an elevated fight when, like, dip your hands in glue and then dip your hands in the shards of glass so that when you punch your foe, he gets shards of glass in his mouth or in his cheek or otherwise. Like, it feels to me like this is one of those sporting events where you really wouldn't have any winners. Like, you wouldn't really win. You would just be less than messed up. But I, I get what you're going for, Mike Fuentes. What you're trying to do is transition us into a conversation that you made me aware of, that there are some things with the World Cup coming that maybe pro football could steal from soccer. Before we do that, very quickly, because we are a football show, I want to get into that. Anybody want to weigh in with some highlight to get me a little more enthusiastic about the schedule release here in May, even though we already knew all these games were going to be played you know, 4 months ago.

Now we just know when they're going to be played.

I got one. I mean, the fact that they're going to send San Francisco and the Rams down to Australia to start the season, and then they're going to make them fly back across the world and then fly, you know, the NFC West flies more than any other division usually. So on top of that, they got this trip to Australia to start the season. It's a 16-hour flight. It's a long time. Fuck Australia. They're going to be playing around noon over there, but it's going to be 8 PM to us, which is strange. But Gino, I—

while I think it's maybe a scooch overrated, because I used to get in my head like, well, you standardly have to have a bye the week after playing in London, and that always was the way, but the Browns last year played— this is even worse. This is worse. But I also think it's a little overstated. People in Pittsburgh are very upset already about, wait, why do the Steelers have to play the week after they play the Saints in Paris? It's like it's not that big a difference in flights. No, it's longer. Well, it's like, you know, it's basically like 2,500 miles versus 4,000 miles. If, if the Steelers played in Los Angeles, it's 2,500 miles, or if they played in Seattle, it's about the same. And when they go to play in Paris, I think it's like 4,000 miles.

Yeah, but that's, that's the time difference.

Australia is like the, like literally the direct opposite side.

That's Well, I also think that that's what Roger Goodell just did. Like, Roger was like, oh, you want to complain, Kyle Shanahan? Take— here you go. Take two international.

Who else was going to play over there, though? That's— that— those are the two closest teams to Australia. Like, those are the two teams that it would be the least bad for. Like, if you're flying a New York team out there, that's a whole day flight to Australia.

Hypothetically, I am— you know, we talked with our pal Handsome Hank Hodgson, the king of all these international games, and I'm very happy for him, and that is the goal obviously of the NFL. But I'm hearing more than I ever have before. Maybe it's because of the ubiquity of these international games now and being played in— it feels like every corner of the big blue marble this year. I mean, Australia and Madrid, now Paris is new, and now back to Mexico City and all of that. And people seem raw about that. But what it should tell you is that whatever other excuses they come up with for a 17th game or an 18th game and why they're putting it. I mean, you know, what, what more do you need to know? It's not a hot take to say these professional leagues like making as much money as they possibly can. I do think it has crossed the line a little bit with, with Thanksgiving. Now there's a Wednesday game there, so there's Wednesday night Thanksgiving football.

Ridiculous.

Yeah, it is, by the way, the traditional start to Sheckler season every year. Once you get to Wednesday, the, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving through, uh, the cloak of night falling on January 1st. That's Sheckers season because, because that's when football gets here, uh, when the big football games get here, and, uh, playoff time's about to begin in college too. All the rivalry games are going, but NBA's back, NHL is back. It's, it's the sweet spot. You get to go out and get drunk while you're at work. Even the boss encourages you to do it, or you don't even show up to work. People are giving each other gifts here, there, and everywhere. It's the best. But now we have a football game and we don't need that. It's gilding the lily, but it's the Packers at the Rams. And then your traditional games— I guess it now counts as traditional to have 3 games— Bears at Lions, Eagles at Cowboys, and then the nightcap. Maybe since Steelers at Ravens, this is the best night game in Thanksgiving that I can think of. KC Chiefs at Buffalo Bills. Juicy.

Oh, that's good. That's good. And in the new stadium too. I do like that game earlier.

Like in the fall, because I don't want to see the Chiefs offense bogged down in the snow. I don't want to see that.

Nobody hates snow football more than Fuentes. Nobody hates snow football more than me.

Why do I want, why do I want premier athletes hampered? I mean, I don't want to get into this.

I don't want to get into that either, but I will tell you your Black Friday game, or I guess your Black and Gold Friday game, Broncos at Steelers, Pittsburgh Steelers. There's your marketing tip. NFL Black and Gold.

Speaking of the Broncos, they also are the last game on Christmas. As they are hosting the Buffalo Bills. And the game before that, another banger, the Packers at Bears. But those two big probabilities for ugly snow games. And you want to talk—

you want to talk holiday games, New Year's Eve, we get the Bengals and Ravens, which you can almost guarantee will have at least one backup quarterback.

Yep. Um, we talked last week about, um, the different ways that the, that the, um, NFL divisions could be constructed a little bit to try to jazz it up a little bit. And I know rivalry is important. Nobody loves rivalries more than I do. But then that led to us offline talking about, um, how the World Cup works. And then some— for some reason that led us into a conversation again, all offline, because we like to talk to each other even when the microphones aren't hot. We then started talking about relegation and how much I love— that's the best thing in soccer, is the idea in the Premier League, is the idea of relegation. I don't think you could figure out a way to make it work for pro football, right? We all agree on that.

We're a capitalist society here.

And there's no minor leagues in football.

Well, that's— I think he has it the best, is that the NFL is the top, top, top, top, top, and there's nothing else that comes close. So you'd basically just be serving up one of these teams to get their shit kicked in and go straight back down.

So you could either send them back— well, let's just like, let's send them back to college somewhere. We can't send them back to college, so we could either send them to Canada or we can send them down to the US.

Okay, well, that would agree with the Canada thing. You got to change your rules. No more of this Running Start shit. Yeah, put the goalpost in the back. All right, let's, let's— you could hypothetically— we're done with this, uh, Mickey Mouse football.

You could combine the UFL and the CFL.

UFL can go to hell. All right, CFL Real rules.

That's it. I don't want to offend my Canadian friends, or as Jimmy Kimmel called Canada once, America's hat. Um, the, um, I, you know, obviously I love, uh, Canadian teams and people who come from Canada and play for, uh, for my favorite teams and all of that. Um, I, I've said it before, I'll say it again, I understand there's a rich history in the CFL. Nobody cares, clearly. Because you only have 8 teams in the whole thing. And I know that they're not still both called, uh, called by the same name, but 2 of the teams were called Rough Riders for way too long, and it was embarrassing, and it marginalized your league. And now here we are. Just, just become the, the NFL's minor league, and then one of your teams, the reward will be you get to join the NFL. And the worst team in the NFL, instead of tanking— and this will leave— if you want to do 17 games, Roger Goodell, to make more money, obviously, and you're gonna add an 18th game. Why? For more money. Not because it will be more compelling to the fans. It'll be more money for you and the owners.

That's why you want to do it, obviously. Um, what happens is last December, as an example, I felt like was it, you know, the games didn't matter as much as they typically do based on the combo of the extra game and the extra team on either side of the playoff bracket. It all led up to teams playing games, lost seasons for teams. So some teams kind of sort of trying to lose games and the other team knowing that they're safely positioned for January and taking their foot off the gas a little bit. The solve to that is, at least in part, you know, NBA's trying to figure out anti-tanking stuff too. The anti-tanking thing would be like, "You're gonna get relegated if you don't cut the shit." That would work in the NBA.

I was gonna say, nobody needs it more than the NBA, Dave.

But I mean, imagine if the Toronto Argonauts all of a sudden were in the NFL and the Cleveland Browns were in the CFL. It would be funny. It would be a great punishment. It would be an indignity that would be hard to wash off.

It wouldn't be an indignity. It's the amount of TV money they would lose. Because that's what happens in the Premier League when teams get relegated. They lose a ton of TV money. A ton of gate. And so that, that, and then of course this is why it would never happen, because why would a billionaire sign up to lose money, right? So, right, so that's, that's the issue.

I think, I think the league that it would be the most obviously— sorry, the most obvious league it would work in is Major League Baseball, where they would just go down to AAA and then teams from AA would come up to AAA. I think that would be cool because it would add an element of competition in the minors doesn't really matter, nobody really cares who wins those games. Now all of a sudden you care who wins those games because you can be up in AAA and then you can have your prospects that are in AA all of a sudden they're playing. And it's, it's your game better.

Your games are way more valuable if you're, you know, if you're one of the little brothers, right? Exactly. But also, like I say, it, it solves more really the— like I've talked about, the NFL is, if you want to understand socialism by looking at our professional sports leagues. The NFL is the closest comp to that, you know, salary cap and, and, um, uh, you feed the worst team in the league, the best revenue coming out of college.

Yes, all that kind of stuff.

In baseball, they're about to go on strike because of this, essentially. Maybe this is a little, uh, well, I know it's simplistic, but doesn't that solve baseball's issue? Is like, okay, you ain't gonna spend to be good, you're gonna wind up getting relegated because there will be a team. I, I think that would spook you enough that you don't want to get relegated because now you're really, really gonna lose money. You think you can benefit from all the rev sharing that as it is in Major League Baseball but not spend to a, a, a certain floor? Well, think again because you're going to be in AAA and you ain't going to make that money no more. I think that would be a good way to do it.

But all right, like I said, I have a question though. Who owns minor league teams? Is it owned by like—

yeah, no, no, no, no, it's owned by individuals. Yeah, because I know, because I know they're affiliated, right?

Because I was thinking like, you have to drop the affiliations.

Yeah, that one.

Yeah, it's a conflict of interest. But like, if, if the Yankees owned like multiple teams, wouldn't it be like, all right, we're just gonna pump the minor league teams with a bunch of money, get rid of some of these losers like the Marlins, and then I have multiple, uh, major leagues?

They would have to, they would have to drop affiliations. They would not be allowed to buy minor league teams.

But then you would have a lot of fun market like in the Europe where you're buying players, right? Exactly.

That would be a lot of fun where teams from, from, you know, you're buying the prospects from these lower leagues and now all of a sudden you're, you're trying to get them right before they blow up, you know what I mean? And then you have a guy on a, on a, on a AAA team or a lower team in the major leagues. But then also the coolest thing would be minor league teams, minor league team, you know, teams going and playing at Fenway Park hypothetically.

I mean, like, I know I don't care about that. I don't know if this is the failing that you point at that's like, well, this is why you could never do it for any number of other reasons. But what if you are, let's say, the Indianapolis Indians trying to win and you're trying to ascend into the majors, but the team you— the major league team you feed is the Pirates. There's no team called the Indians anymore. What are they called now?

No, they are. They're still Indians. Pretty sure that the minor league baseball team is still the Indianapolis Indians.

Yeah, I need to— I'll check. Get with the time. Checking.

Sorry, continue. Okay, I mean, I don't know what would—

No, they're still the Indianapolis Indians. They are.

Yeah, okay. All right, anyway, Indianapolis Indians. If they— wouldn't the Pirates then start poaching those guys? Well, like, get the good players, just call them up so that they don't win the title because they're going to replace us otherwise.

Um, well, see, Dave, in Europe we have these things called farmer teams, farmer clubs, and basically Are they good teams? Yeah, they always tend to have good talent, but then you might get 1 or 2 seasons and then the big boys start calling and the big money comes over.

Okay, this is what I want to know.

Monaco 2017? Yeah, you end up with teams right at the top, which is arguably one of like the bad things about European soccer is the clubs with money, they cannibalize the ones at the bottom.

Yeah. Okay, but isn't— I mean, the Yankees did that to the Royals forever too. They do it to everybody. The Yankees did that to baseball, and the Dodgers have done that for the last decade to the rest of baseball as well. The things that I like You told me that in Europe that— I forget which league you said it was— that, you know, I've lived in, you know, Bloomington, Indiana, and Chicago, Illinois, and Los Angeles, but I remain provincial, and my favorite city on the big blue marble remains Pittsburgh, PA, and my interests remain provincial, and not just with my sports teams, but specific to them I would love it if— I would be prouder of them still when, uh, let you know, I advocated that the Steelers take Kenny Pickett. People like, I don't think he's going to be that good. I said, you got to take the swing spiritually. He's the Pitt QB. If he works out, it's that much greater for the Pittsburgh Steelers that the guy walked across the, the hallway from the Pitt locker room to the Steelers locker room and, and, uh, delivered glory. You have to take those swings.

And people 'Who cares? What difference does it make?' Well, then who cares about anything? Now we are just straight up rooting for Laundrie. Anything that removes us, creates a little distance of the effect of us just rooting for Laundrie, I'm all for. I say, okay, you couldn't make your teams entirely out of locals all over the country. NFL would stink. Every team in Florida and California and Texas would dominate the rest of, uh, Football America. But what about if you had to have have like 5 guys, 3 guys, something like that from your city, from your region on the team. I like that. And you told me, Mike Fuentes, that that does happen in at least one European soccer league.

I think it was England was having this issue where they didn't like that the top teams were mostly dominated by foreign imports. So they tried to implement a thing called— I think it was 5+1 or something like that. You know, help me out here— where they had to start like 5 or 6 English guys and they'd fill out the rest of the roster. But apparently the MLS currently has a rule where they have to start or have a couple of Americans.

I think you have to have 6 US players on the roster.

There are also clubs like, uh, is that right?

Yeah, but guess what? They get around that. Yeah, all the guys that started from San Francisco, isn't that like half the team?

Yeah, that's half the team, right? How many do you carry?

Uh, I think that's about 22. That's a third of the team, maybe a fourth of the team.

Yeah, and then you just— the rest, the American guys ride the bench and then all the foreign guys start. And then 22?

Yeah, what do you need?

Don't you only have 8 guys on the field at one time? What do you need 22 people?

No, you 11 guys on the field at the same time. Everyone has a backup. Everyone has an emergency.

And then you have an emergency guy just in case 2 keepers get hurt.

Cut this from the show. I can't be that big an ignoramus.

They're all learning. The World Cup's around the corner.

You're almost there.

Pretty soon we'll be hosting Futbol America. And then, you know, I got to get the music for that.

There are also some clubs in— there's one club in particular that's famous for this. Athletic Bilbao is a club in the Basque Country in Spain. And you can— they can only have players from the Basque Country. They're not allowed to have players— self-imposed. Self-imposed. This is a self-imposed policy that they want only Basque players. So they have all of the players from the— all of the best players from the Basque region, but they can only have players from that area.

Yeah. As I've told you for a quarter century, the Original Six in the NHL, the Canadiens won all the Stanley Cups because— all the Quebec players.

Yes, you had negotiating— you had dibs on negotiating with your local players over all the other teams. That's why the New York Rangers were dragged like in the Original Six era, because who was playing hockey in Manhattan? Now they were all playing in Montreal, ergo a straight line. As far as that goes, again, like I say, I like regionality. And while Notre Dame and USC are talking about renewing their rivalry, and, you know, Celtics and Lakers was meaningful in the '80s and perpetuated the NBA and took it to another level, just like Steelers-Cowboys did for the NFL in the '70s I'm all about these rivalries. I also think as we look at football America and the divisions, we've accepted the, the framework that the Dallas Cowboys, who are 2,000 miles away from Philadelphia and New York and Washington, D.C., are nevertheless in the NFC East. What would it look like though? Gino Fuentes, you did some good work on this. You took some time on the side, did some homework, and you realigned the division so that they make more geographic sense, right?

Oh yeah, I got this idea from MLB on Fox. I think they were starting discussions on like what would the divisions look like if they added 2 more teams to Major League Baseball.

Don't give anybody else credit. Say it was your idea.

I came up with it all myself. Right, exactly. Okay, so anyway, they put everything into, you know, they would have 32 teams at that point, so you know, NFL has 32 teams, and they realigned everything in geographical sense, and they said screw this whole American League and NL thing, and they— Yeah! Yeah, okay, so let's, as a control here, let's put up the—

This is how it is right now. Get to the point, Geno. Okay. No, this is— Get off his back!

Yeah, this is how it is right now.

Some people care about clocks around here. I say screw the NFC, screw the AFC. I want Western and Eastern Conference, so let's go ahead and change it up. Okay, so now— and so this is how I like the logos. This is how I, uh, I rearranged it, and I said, you know, NFC and AFC doesn't make sense anymore. Western and Eastern Conference. And so I'm going to read this off because, you know, we got audio audience here too. Northwest is going to be your Denver Broncos, your Raiders, your 49ers, and your Seahawks. Easy enough to understand.

I like that. I, I like that division. Yes, there are some things that naturally is going to create conflict. Yes, you will have to wash off some of the past rivalries. You do maintain some good ones. I am naming that division to lure— We'll get to your names.

We'll get to your names in a second once I'm done here. That way we can all throw it up in one big graphic.

Because we have a lot of graphics, Dave. Now, back to the thing. Geno, give me the Midwest.

OK, so then we're going to go to the Midwest division here. We're going to have Bears, Packers, Chiefs, and Vikings. Ooh.

So you basically just ousted the Lions and you threw in the Chiefs. Okay, well, Southwest— we talked about this— Chiefs out there in a kind of no man's land.

Yeah, yeah, they are just about the middle of nowhere types.

They're not really West, they're kind of in the middle of the country. They're more East, if anything. Um, anyway, you got to go Southwest. We're going to finally put the Dallas Cowboys closer to where they belong, and they're going to be in there with the Cardinals, the Chargers, and the Rams. Southwest Division.

Soup Campbell had an interesting thought on this. The Cowboys are sort of their own day, you know. They love to call themselves America's team. Obviously, that's just alleged. It's not the reality. But either way, They are the Notre Dame of the NFL. Maybe we should treat them like Notre Dame and they're just independent. Love that idea.

They're not in any division. They would get screwed every year. They would just be playing the hardest schedule, made-for-TV schedule every year.

I don't know how they get into the playoffs exactly if they're an independent. They can't do that now.

But imagine how awesome that schedule would be where it's just Cowboys-Steelers, Cowboys-Packers, Cowboys-Chiefs, Cowboys— you know what I mean? Like just all of the legacy games playing all of the good quarterbacks. Like, oh, it would be so awesome. Awesome.

I do think that's a funny idea, even though it doesn't really make any sense. It doesn't matter. Not going around the world.

You might as well make all the money you can. All right, let's go back.

Central. We're still—

I'm sure the Cowboys think they just deserve to be in the playoffs.

Jerry Jones would love it, right? All right, Central Division in the West. We're gonna do Bengals, Texans, Colts, and Titans. Okay, Northeast. Okay, we're going to the Eastern Conference here. In the Northeast—

that's a new AFC South.

Yeah, in the Northeast, we're going to take the Dolphins out of the Northwest. East because I am tired of having to go up and play in the snow at the end of every season because the other 3 teams are up in New York and New England. So the Northeast is now the Patriots, the Giants, and the Jets are both in there together, and they're in there with the Eagles.

Yes. Now that would be a fun division. They would love it. A lot of short travel. Yeah, yeah, travel.

Conversely, we send the Dolphins down to the Southeast because that's where they belong, and we're gonna be in there with all, all the Florida teams. So Jags, Dolphins, Buccaneers, and we're gonna throw the Saints in there too because everybody deserves the right to get hit by a hurricane.

Okay, see, so this is like probably my only beef here, right? Cuz now you have the Atlantic, which I'm with you, has the Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore, Carolina, and Washington, right? It's the ACC. Yeah, pretty much. Jacksonville, stone's throw away from Atlanta. Stone's throw. So like, that's the only one, but then I get it, where do you put them without them? And then the last one you have there is Great Lakes, which is the Bills, Browns, Lions, and Steelers.

And this is the one that Dave cares about.

Yeah, yeah, and that would suck for Dave, because now you gotta deal with the Lions and the Bills. Yeah, that would really suck for Dave.

Well, there'll be ebb and flow. We'll have to deal with a rugged—

I'm just saying, as they sit now. Yeah, as they say. Right.

But you get to beat up on the Browns still, Dave. You still get to beat up on the Browns, which is nice.

And so Dave saw this, he said, I love it, but I hate the division names. Let's go ahead and change it to luminaries. Dave, take it away.

Okay, I will say that the Rust Belt, you know, of course the Bungles are the Bungles and the Ravens is the best rivalry and that's going to be hard to move on from that. But man, the Rust Belt rivalries, who rules that region of the country would become everything and it wouldn't take it would take a generation to achieve that effect. You would, in the same way college football used to have that and gave it up again in favor of loot. But what was great about college football that we've sort of gotten away from is that regional pride. I make fun of people who are proud of the SEC. If you're Vanderbilt, like, we did it! You didn't do anything, Vanderbilt. Alabama did it. But still, I get the notion of being pride of your, of being proud of your region. Of— in society. So I think that would be cool. Now, in the Northwest, that division will be called the Mookie Blaylock. I didn't want to name it after a band or anything specifically, but Pearl Jam's original name was, of course, the Mookie Blaylock— what was Mookie Blaylock. And I always thought that was funny, even though Mookie got into some ugly behavior.

We're going to call this division the Mookie Blaylock. The Southwest is the Dodger, because as long as the Cowboys are in it, Roger Roger the Dodger, Roger Staubach, and then the Dodgers, of course, the, the titan of the West Coast in sports. So I think that makes sense. In the Midwest, the Butkus, for obvious reasons. Sounds tough. We could call it the Dick if you prefer that. The Central is the Mayflower because the Colts, when they left Baltimore, took Mayflower moving trucks, and 3 of the 4 teams in that division are moving. So that's the Mayflower. The Northeast is the Bledsoe. Of course, our opinion of the Patriots is owed to Drew Bledsoe getting hurt, so let's give him that honorific.

Yeah, I would have called this the Brady, but you know, you're an asshole, so go ahead.

I'm not being an asshole. Brady has enough going for him. Let's give Bledsoe something. That's the point. The Southeast, we can call it the Fernando because Fernando now owns the state of Florida and I think pretty much all of college football America. Or we could call it the Means Less because it's pro football in SEC country, and by definition pro football means less down there. The Great Lakes, which includes the Steelers, are calling it the Mean Joe because they're the team that matters most there. And the Atlantic we call the Beltway because of its location, or the Brown, and I can't remember why I named it the Brown, but, um, it must be— there must be a good reason.

Something to do with shit, I'm sure. No, maybe.

Who's in the Beltway again?

Who's in the Beltway? You have the Falcons, Ravens, Panthers, and Commanders. Yeah, the Cammies.

Why did I, why did I want to call it the Brent?

You're asking us like that?

That's a really great question. I can't quite give you an answer.

You know what's going to happen? Dave's going to be on the toilet later dropping a brownie. Yes, correct. He's going to go, oh yeah, that's why. I'm going to text like at 9 o'clock at night, oh yeah, that's why. All right.

And so then Ethan—

the face of disgust on Dave.

And so Ethan had a similar idea. He's like, you know what? I like this luminary talk. Yes. But I hate the conference thing. And he just wanted division.

So, Ethan, it's less that I hate conferences and more that I just— this is just how I want the NFL to look like. If I could have the NFL look a certain way and have the divisions be a certain way, this is how I would want it to look. So I went with some luminaries. We're going to start with the Ditka Division. I left this division exactly as is. There are two divisions you'll see on here that are exactly as they were from— are exactly as they are in the current NFL. It's the NFC North and the NFC East. They are two perfect divisions, perfectly aligned, perfect rivalries. All four rivalries are intense and very good. I didn't want to break them up. So the Dika Division is just the NFC North, the Bears, the Lions, the Packers, and the Vikings. You're going to see that I basically named it after the coolest person from that division. So then the NFC East, I went with the Irvin Division because who doesn't love Michael Irvin? Dallas Cowboys, New York Giants. What are we—

so what are you doing? Yes. Are you keeping the Cowboys in the East?

Yes. I told you this is how I want the NFL to look.

I love it more, but we don't have to call it the East anymore, right?

I'm calling it the Irvin Division. Exactly. This is a perfect— it's a perfect division.

He got you with that.

So then what I did, Dave, is I took kind of sort of that like Midwest but Northeast kind of like iconic franchise kind of thing, and I would— or like legacy franchises, I would say. So I went with the Browns, the Colts, the Patriots, and the Steelers. And obviously, me being me, I didn't want to name a division after Tom Brady, so I went with the Mean Green Division, because Mean Green, obviously after your boy— you have one as well, the Mean Joe Division. So I went with Mean Green here. Now then I went out west and I made an all-California division. There are 4 California teams I named this the Montana Division because he's Joe Cool. He's the coolest. Are you sending the Raiders back to Oakland? Oh, I forgot that they're not in frickin' California anymore. I'm so stupid. But this is— alright, this is the should-be-playing-in— the oops, all California, kinda, we used to play in California. So this is the Raiders, the Chargers, the Rams, and the San Francisco 49ers. I mean, this would be a really fun division if you look at it because— I agree. These are all 3 teams that used to play in LA or do play in LA and the Niners.

So I would love this California kind of division. With the Raiders playing against some of their legacy rivals, one of their legacy rivals as well, and the Chargers. All right, then we're gonna go to the Mahomes division, which I had fun with this one because how cool is it that a guy is playing in the division that's named after himself? So I went with—

and this one, not that cool for the other team.

Not that cool for the other team.

But that's why I'm guessing this is the daddy division.

This is the daddy. This— no, this is what I did. I just did put all 4 of the best quarterbacks in the league in the same division. So this Lamar, Allen, Burrow, and Mahomes. The, the Ravens, the Bills, the Bengals, and the Chiefs. It would be fun to watch all of those teams play each other twice a year. That would be a lot of fun.

I like, I like the idea of that you structure the— you, you shake them all up every year.

Yeah, yeah, the Boggle division. I like that.

That was the last one.

No, no, no, the Boggle League. Yes, we start fresh every year. Like, oh, this will be fun to put all those guys in the same division this year, Dave. This is the guy who never wins.

This is such a better idea than a schedule release. Oh my God, can you imagine? They just—

oh yeah, division release. Yes, yes.

And then they have division release ESPN special. Yes. See who's in your division, like a World Cup draw.

Like, how great is the World Cup draw? It's amazing theater, guys. The World Cup draw is amazing theater. You're welcome.

Yes, we just fixed the league. You know what, throw out my divisions.

I just want to draw everybody into divisions each year. Okay, all right.

But no, no, no, but I don't— Gino made the graphic.

Go ahead, go ahead, Dave, go ahead. What were you gonna say?

I was gonna say I don't want to boggle everyone. I want to construct it to my liking. Yes, correct. So we're not shaking it up. Dave is going to go into the lab and emerge, right, like, uh, like the Cardinals who meet up with the Pope. Uh, you'll just see smoke coming out of my home.

Um, so you can safely say that this division will be the division with the 4 best quarterbacks? Dave got real high and came up with a new division. So these will be the 4 best quarterbacks for the next, let's say, 5 to 6 years. So 5 to 6 years from now, let's say Lamar falls off a little, or maybe Mahomes gets a little older, you can shake up the division. So let's put the graphic back up here. I forget which one I was on. Uh, I think I was on the Moon Division. Yes. Okay, so the Moon Division— well, I'll do that one last. Let's move to the Marino Division, which is the Jags, the Dolphins, the Jets, and the Bucs. This is just what I would want the Dolphins division to be. It's as easy as possible.

Like, how many divisions does Buddy have here?

I almost threw the I almost threw the Titans in here to make it really as easy as possible for the, for the, uh, for the Dolphins, but it kind of didn't really line up, so I threw the Bucs in. You get 3, 4 teams and the Jets.

I'm gonna give you 15. So easy.

All right, finally, the Vic division is the Cardinals, the Broncos, the Seahawks. It's basically whoever's left from out west plus the Atlanta Falcons, because I thought it was really funny that the Atlanta Falcons used to play in the West. It didn't make any sense. And then the Moon division is basically just the leftovers. The Panthers, the Texans, the Saints, and the Titans. There you go.

Thank you.

All right, very good. Good. I like divisions.

That's how many divisions there are in the NFL. I did the exact number of divisions there are in the NFL. Good job, everybody. I can just talk.

You're— Mike, you didn't make one. So what is, what is your decision? Which one did you like?

My main thing was your— well, I mean, uh, it was really just between you and Ethan because, uh, Dave just did names. But I do like your realignment. The only thing that's kind of weird to me is the Atlanta one, like I pointed out. But where do you put them? Like, that's the thing. They're kind of— there's always going to be that one team.

And you know who really screws them in the West like they did back in the day? So stupid.

Now that we think about it, the Chiefs, because they're out there in the middle of nowhere. We don't know. There's no— in the Broncos division, if we had like a team in, I want to say like Nebraska, and then you give like the Dakotas a combined team, then you just have a nice big Great Plains. That's the Chiefs, Dallas, and these two fantasy teams we just made up.

Well, we're going to need a 33rd team because the Cowboys are now our independent.

Where would you put a team? No, where would you put a team? There it is.

We recognize Goodell's international dreams. Mexico City, enjoy your team. Oh, that's great with me.

Mexico City. And, uh, we can do that one. Or, right, the first season of relegation, no one gets relegated and we just call up one CFL team. Winnipeg. Welcome.

Winnipeg is right down the middle in Manitoba. Is it? I don't know. Yeah, Manitoba's just like over Minnesota.

It's up there by the Wall from Game of Thrones and The Fist of the First Men and all those places. It's terrible.

Who are the Steelers opening against this year? The Saskatoon— whatever they are. I don't know what Saskatoon is.

Saskatchewan Roughriders, I believe.

Yeah, they are the Roughriders.

We've been watching a lot of hockey here, Dave, right? This is totally off the map, but we've been watching a lot of hockey, right? All of us here, because it's the playoffs. Doesn't Saskatoon sound like a place where like a cartoon mouse would be from? Yes. Yeah. Like— Like a— Yes. It has toon in the name. It's like Toontown. Saskatoon. From Saskatoon.

As soon as we finish with Ethan Strauss here, I encourage— nay, demand, Mike Fuentes— you open up a geography book and delight yourself for the next several hours with all the city names and town names up in Canada. They are— they are— that's the tip of the iceberg. Although I do love saying Saskatoon. All right, now let's talk with our guy about all of it, Ethan Strauss. Okay, I'm looking forward to this. I paid a visit to his great podcast, House of Strauss, I don't know, about a half a year or so ago, and he and I went back and forth as sports arbiters. I like that role for myself. I like it even better for him because he's one of the sharpest and also most entertaining guys out there on his Substack. And like I said, the aforementioned podcast, find it on YouTube and wherever you find your podcast, House of Strauss.

It's Ethan Sherwood Strauss. What's happening, pal? Good to talk to you again.

I'm more of a on the one, on the other hand kind of guy. You get in there, make a quick denunciation or elevate, and I like your decisiveness, and that's why I'm having you on as a sports arbiter.

Don't you come in here with patronizing stuff comparing me essentially to a poor man's Stephen A. That's what you're doing, isn't it?

This is exactly what I'm talking about. It's this strong opinion.

Figure this one out. Arbitrate this for me. I'm not just for you a San Diego native. San Diegan, is that right? San Diegan, that makes sense. That's correct. Nice and clean. People are often surprised to hear or laugh at when they say, what's a native Pittsburgh person? It's a Pittsburgher. I like it. I think it says something beyond just a name of a native. I also like people from Utah are Utahns. That sounds like something Tom Cruise would get into. Utahns. But I just asked you before we got going here, because you're in the Bay, are you a Niners guy instead of a Chargers guy? And how say you?

Totally rejected the Chargers. Feel absolutely nothing for them. I used to when I was in college. I went to college up here. I would drag myself hungover in the mornings when they had East Coast games to LaValle's Bar. And watch San Diego Chargers games religiously. For me, that was a connection to San Diego. And we moved the team to LA. I am not from LA. I think people from the East Coast, they might— it's a funny thing about the East versus the West, where people on the East think cities in the West are closer together than they are, and people on the West think that East Coast cities are further apart than they are. LA is a 3-hour drive. We grew up with this a little bit of a little bit complex that this was the big cosmopolitan place. It wasn't where we're from. And I'm not like these Raiders fans who will just root for the team wherever the hell they move it. I don't look that way. So when the Chargers left, I started watching the Niners because I live in the Bay, and I just went, I'd rather this. At least there's a connection to a place in my life.

You know, I've considered this quite a bit over the last, whatever it's been, quarter century since the Raiders did the Oakland to LA to Oakland and now Vegas math and almost San Antonio, or at least they, they considered that apparently. Yeah, once they dump you, it's like taking back— well, I mean, I guess there's some in-the-news relationships that you could do that, but it would be weird to like get dumped for the pretty young blonde down in LA and then go back to the ball and chain in Oakland. And I don't know what that makes Las Vegas in all of this, but I think spiritually be on solid footing here to, to abandon the Chargers because that's all— that's what they did to you.

Yeah. And I have friends who see it differently. I have friends who still live in San Diego and colors are the same. The TV market in many ways, there's overlap. The Laker games were on our local TV growing up and presumably still. And so I get it. I get saying it's those colors, it's the same region. I can drive to go to a game. I just looked at it as I'm from a city that's a bit of an afterthought. Oddly, status is higher than it was when I was a kid. You hear all the time, oh, San Diego, San— it was always known as a nice place, but kind of like a retirement vacation spot nice place. Now it's got a little bit of a pop. And so it mattered to me that there's a sports team there and them leaving for a more glamorous big city is, yes, understandable. But then I think it's equally understandable that would be cause for rejection. Me, I don't, I don't want any party to it. Yeah, you have dignity.

The only issue is that you've jumped from, you've jumped into a whole new fire with these Niners here because also it's that weird situation. I used to talk about it, whatever, a decade or so ago with Chiefs fans, which is, boy, what one of the great franchises in pro football and, and, uh, deeply important for its rich history and its Lombardi early on. And that, yeah, by the way, that one that Len Dawson won was the last one they won until Patrick Mahomes. Now all of a sudden the Niners are kind of in that spot, which is a lot, a lot of glory, but it's pretty far in the rearview mirror. And, um, you must know a lot of people up there in the Bay that are— it's, you know, The Chargers never won anything, so it's hard to sort of be— or be— it's, it's like being a Jets fan versus being a, uh, you know, you, you, you— the, the olds have tasted glory, have, have drunk from the cup, but Niners fans currently have not. How say you?

Yeah, it's a different perspective on fandom. And it's funny looking back because I remember being a little kid and seeing the Niners absolutely demolish the Chargers in the Super Bowl and you're a fan of San Diego teams, it's just embedded into you. This is— this isn't— this isn't going anywhere. You have perspective that the characters at the end of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had on relationships. That's your view of a season where, look, this is not going to lead— this is not going to be the one, but we're in it for the experience. What else are we going to do? And there are higher standards out here, and thus we're complaining. And I often feel myself disagreeing with friends. Because they go, this is the worst. This is the worst. I watched that last game, regular season against the Seahawks, and my friend just in a depressive fugue saying, this is worse than being bad. To be so close and never get it is worse than being bad. And I went, you're crazy. I enjoyed this season. This was cool. I liked being happier on most Sundays. Than not. That's a value to me.

I like reflecting on the journey.

Journey over destination is what it comes down to, right?

Is it painful to almost get there? Look, yes, it's painful. All my neighbors and friends were traumatized after the 2023 Super Bowl. We were doing that interesting thing, Damashek, of replaying moments in your mind and changing what could have happened. Oh, if Nick Bosa— now I'm fantasizing about how Bosa wouldn't have been tricked by the QB keep by Mahomes and stoned him on 4th and it's interesting that people, regardless of background, do the retrospective cope of changing it all. So yes, I understand the trauma, but look, only one team's going to win, and sports is going to be a miserable experience if you say it's got to be all or nothing. So I don't look at it that way. I hope the Niners win a championship, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the Kyle Shanahan era and the rise of Brock Purdy. It's made my life better. I'm not going to complain about about it.

I agree with almost all of that, but as much as, you know, legacy is one of those things that the people in it, the quarterbacks, let's say, in the quarterback league specifically, talk a lot about what their legacy is, and they reject the notion that they care about their legacy. That's a media thing. I don't care about No, no, it just is still pregnant until you are done, until your retirement is the birth of the baby. And then we can evaluate the entirety of the stretch that preceded it. I agree with you completely, but there is— almost completely, I should say, because ultimately the quarterbacks in the quarterback league, their legacy is dependent on winning. And so it does get a little bit weird to try. I'm all the way with you on journey over destination and some of my favorite seasons in the last— this wasn't true of me when I was a kid, but, you know, now I'm a mature sports fan. I enjoy a number of seasons in the last decade have ranked among my very favorite, and they didn't come anywhere close to ending in a title. But I think that you do as a fan, I think you will be unsatisfied as a Niners fan if the Kyle Shanahan comes out without a Lombardi.

And same goes for Brock Purdy.

It will be a bitter note in the whole whatever it is, right? I want that to happen. I've had that forever where there are athletes I wanted something for them. And it's so funny because we don't know these people, but my dad was a huge Knicks fan. I looked at Patrick Ewing as this tragic figure. I just wanted it for him. It wasn't in him at some level. Awesome player, one of the best defensive players of his era. He just wasn't clutch. He just wasn't. It wasn't for him, but I wanted it for him. LaDainian Tomlinson, through no fault of his own, he's a running back. And to watch him rise up and become a star, I wanted it for him. I feel similarly about Purdy and Shanahan. I just don't want that disappointment. To overwhelm and cloud my feelings towards something I've largely liked. But yes, I agree with you. I want that. I agree with you. When we talk about legacy, when we talk about best, to actually achieve it, that, that matters in these comparisons and the history of the sport. You know what's funny though? This is a digression. The Eagles kind of changed my outlook on that because Jalen Hurts Hertz.

There's all this talk and controversy about him. They win that Super Bowl against the Chiefs. There's an NFL clip, and I can't remember which receiver told him this, maybe it was Smith, saying, hey, they can't mess with you now. Like, you're validated. It's done. It wasn't done. Next season, there was just as much noise about—

I wonder if that's a Philadelphia-specific thing or a Northeast thing. I mean, legitimately, I think yes. I think the standard is very different. The example I often point to is in MLB. If you're a Kansas City Royals fan, you have no business making a noise for 25 years after 2015 because the standard is way different than if you're a Yankees or a Dodgers fan. Um, yeah, I— it's funny because I think Jalen Hurts now, uh, you know, people can resent it all they want, want. If he goes to one more Super Bowl, he's going to go to the Hall of Fame.

Yeah, but at the same time, in my mind, because I think Brock is the victim of draftism, which is the worst of bigotries— we have a lot of bigotries in our society. Draftism, the bias against players drafted low, among the worst. And the way he's assessed and analyzed, it often doesn't strike me as objective because of where he was taken. And so in my mind, the scenario that, oh, he wins the Super Bowl and now he's just going to be regarded differently. He's going to be validated. Finally, he's going to be taken seriously. Seeing Hurts win the Super Bowl a year later and not garner more respect a few months later when he was playing gave me a little bit of relief on the whole matter. When I built it up in my mind that Purdy needed the Super Bowl and then he would be taken seriously. But I now know that he could have won that Super Bowl. And the second he throws 2 interceptions, people are going, you see? Oh, oh, there's a re— he got lucky.

So it's funny that the paradox of that is—

well, but the paradox of that is, because I, you know, was talking last week with Michelle Beatle, diehard San Antonio Spurs fan, and you've been talking a lot of Wemby too in NBA, as you usually do, you know, what is a satisfying title count for Victor Wembanyama right now? Like, what, what, when 15 years from now, what is— what satiates the Spurs fan? And what you're saying is, I feel like if you're the first overall pick and you gotta do it and you're supposed to do it, you better do it. That's not a great spot to start any sports season or being a fan of that guy. Like, if Wemby doesn't win a bunch of titles, we'll look back retroactively and be like, like, boy, that was unsatisfying ultimately, I think. And Purdy winning one is like Russell Wilson or Tom Brady or even Jalen Hurts in the second round, which is they're not necessarily supposed to do anything. And the— and so it kind of adds to the underdog story more than it detracts from it. But you're absolutely right about Jalen Hurts getting all sort of crap, because then that allows you as, uh, as pretentious sort of talent evaluator, not you, but people who do that, it'll— the fact that he wasn't a first overall pick allows you to say, well, he's not that good.

His pedigree isn't that high or else he wouldn't have gotten in the second round. We should aim higher than Jalen Hurts. And the pushback is, well, he won you a Super Bowl and took you to another.

You can be a winner and we'll still hypothetical where you're a loser, where it's you won, but you wouldn't have won without some such and such. You wouldn't have won without so-and-so. I remember people in the 1990s often bring that the Bulls won 55 games in the year Jordan missed. I knew that for a fact. I don't remember people bringing it up. It's only now that this needs to— arguments that it's often invoked.

Before we check out Mike Fuentes, very quickly, satisfying number of titles for, for when Wemby? Oh, um, it's a great question.

It really is, uh, because it's hard to win titles. And, and, you know, it's— and the, the thing I'm really worried about Wemby, and I got scared for him when the blood clot thing happened, because as we know as Heat fans, that's what ended Chris Bosh's career. So, um, I had a sad— 3, I'm gonna say 3. 4, 4 seems like a lot.

4 seems like a lot. How many did Duncan get?

Duncan got 5, right? No, he got 5. 5, but none in succession. They were all out. Because don't forget, he won the first one in 1999, right when he was drafted. Remember, they had the stacked deck with him and David Robinson. Then he won '04, I think. '03.

He beat '04. '04, the Pistons won.

Oh, then it was '03.

You're right. And then it was '03, '07, 2014.

And so he only has 4 because they won in '97. But was that with David? No, because he was the number 1 pick in '96, wasn't he? So they— he— oh, so then they— the Spurs have 5 and Duncan has 4 because they won one with David Robinson in 1997. He did win in '04, then he lost in '05, and then—

or he wasn't there in '05, then he won it the next— sorry, I'm an idiot. He won in '03, he wasn't there like in '04.

He won in '05 and then he won in '07. He basically did what the San Francisco Giants did, which is they won every year.

Every other year he won a tough fight.

What's interesting about that is nobody really gives a shit about the specifics. But no, yeah, the Wemby thing is, you know, obviously everybody's gonna keep taking shots at him. He has to defend himself. Or, you know, Eric Lindoros is maybe the guy with that, unless it's Mark Bavaro, the great Giants tight end. When you're the biggest dude, it takes a lot to get you down, so they have to keep hammering you physically and you wear out more quickly. So Wemby has no choice but to do that. I thought the elbow in the throat was pretty bad, but I completely get where he's coming from. Adam Silver, obviously the reason people are upset about it is because plainly people understand cynically Adam Silver's like, what's going to hurt the bottom line? And that's Wemby sitting down for a big game. And that's why they didn't send Wemby down. But I do completely get spiritually where Wemby's coming from with his big pointy 7-foot-4 elbows knocking guys out for taking shots at him. I get it. We'll, uh, we'll take our shot again one week from today in the usual time. Football America, make sure you use that time between now and then subscribing telling all your pals about the show, writing some comments in there, all the rest of it, all the rest of it.

We'll be back in a week— nay, we'll be back on Tuesday with our little 7 or so minute chunk that we like to put out there for you. Make sure you're checking that out on YouTube as well. Until then, thanks so much, my fellow football Americans. It's been a Thin Slice of Heaven.