Transcript of Movie Review: Zaslow Watched Heat Last Night | Local Hour

So without any of our local teams playing last night, I mean, Heat, Panthers, I had some time on my hands, all right?

Yeah.

I got— I could, I could watch, like, whatever movie or whatever show that I want.

Oh. I thought you were going to tell me you were really locked in on, like, you know, some Central Southwestern Arkansas state.

No, no. I actually— I had NBA. I had Nixon Cavs on the smaller.

Yeah.

Like, there's no reason— I don't need to put Nixon Cavs on a big TV, all right? That's not necessary.

It's a good game.

Yeah, it was fine.

Yeah.

You know, Cavs were in front most of the game, all right? And so I'm watching Nixon Cavs that's on the smaller TV. I'm like, you know what, let's fire up a movie tonight, all right? I'm going to watch a movie this evening.

Did you— did you watch Rambo? First Blood?

I'll be honest with you. I said yesterday, which I've admitted before, I've never seen Rambo. I do want to watch Rambo. It's kind of like the Bond movies where, remember, I'd never seen any Bond movies, but I want to watch the Bond movies. I know I would like them.

I'm not a movie guy. That's all good.

I— I think I would like. Now, would I like all of the Rambo movies or, like, some of them?

Well, the first one is actually really good. Like, critically acclaimed.

First one's with Brian Denehy, right?

Brian Denehy's.

He's got a little town. He's like a sheriff or something.

He's a hard-ass sheriff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who won't leave.

He's being really mean to Rambo.

Yeah.

And the last one was really racist.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you could argue every one after that is really racist.

How many Rambo movies are there?

So there's Rambo— there's First Blood. Then there's Rambo First Blood Part 2.

You don't see how First Blood Part 2 can be confusing? First Blood Part 2?

Yeah. Second Blood was right there for you.

Then there's Rambo— well, no, it's because they drew First Blood. That's why. That's the whole point.

Listen, man.

Rambo doesn't want to fight.

Listen, man.

The whole thing is, Rambo doesn't want to fight, but then they started with him. So now, since you drew First Blood, now that's why I'm coming.

How many people— let's look this up.

Mm-hmm.

How many people on film has John Rambo killed?

Killed? No. That's— so Rambo 3, I think, held the record for a long time.

And then, I mean, John Wick has to.

Okay, but.

Basically, if your name is John, you're just killing folks.

Okay, when you say the record.

Yeah.

Like, how many people are we talking about he killed on screen?

We're talking about something like— is it— I got to look it up, but it's something like 74 kills or something like that.

I feel like Wick had to have.

I don't think so, man. Dude, Rambo was killing people wholesale in Rambo 3.

Yeah.

Rambo 3 is the one that ends with, "Dedication of this movie to the gallant people of Afghanistan for being freedom fighters."

According to the internet, John Rambo kills 490 to 493 people on screen across the five movies in the franchise. Up to 552.

So an average of— an average of how many are we talking?

But if you— if you—

Almost 100 per movie.

Limited to just Rambo 3. Rambo— because Rambo 1, he doesn't kill a whole lot. He only kills a couple of people in First Blood.

Right. He's in, like, a small town.

Yeah, he's in a small town. He's not trying to hurt anybody, but they kept messing— the cops keep messing with him. Rambo 2, he's got to go back to save some POWs, so he's got to kill some people.

Yeah.

Rambo 3, he's just out here in Afghanistan weighing— laying waste on everybody.

That's a good movie too, Rambo 3?

Rambo 3 is a fun one, yeah.

All right. Get your Hunter Euro check on. We need to compare resumes here because I think Wick might have them.

Yeah, for sure. John Wick was killing, like, five people, like, this before he could get out the lobby.

The guy couldn't take a casual stroll down the subway.

How is the blind guy in John Wick such a good fighter? He's blind. You can hear his senses.

It's called a pushed reality.

Everybody heard Daredevil? You ever heard of Stevie Wonder?

No, but Daredevil can kind of see, though.

So— so no, he can't. But Stevie Wonder can.

Yeah. Daredevil does have a sonar about him.

I— yeah, but he can't.

You've seen the— I'm sure you've reviewed the great Daredevil flick of the early aughts.

Of course. What, Ben Affleck? Hell yeah.

What a moment for early aughts rock.

Justice— Justice is not blind, but he can't be blind.

You know about that, Cedar?

Yes. Yes, I do.

So the deal with Daredevil is, yes, he can't see at all, but his other senses are heightened. The deal with Stevie Wonder was, as told to me, someone—

Oh, he could see colors. He could see shapes.

He can't see anything.

No, you're wrong.

Daredevil is blind. Do you not understand how batswords work?

Well, Shaq said he saw him in an elevator.

Who? Daredevil?

Stevie Wonder was like, "Hey, Shaq."

No, I saw Stevie— well, I didn't see— I heard.

Stevie Wonder would win the game. Can you hide Shaq?

Yeah. Can't see him. No.

I mean, I've seen the show. Like, he sees— he sees shapes.

He does not see shapes. It's sonar. It's the— it's the echolocation of doing a sound, and it comes back and it reverberates off of stuff, but he cannot see. He is completely blind. That's the whole point of Daredevil.

Okay.

That was a—

Okay.

If you're a comic book guy, you know this.

Right, but the sonar— he wasn't always blind, so he has a frame of reference.

Yes, he does.

And so the sonar helps him.

Yes. He used to be able to see, and then the accident, which took away his sight, gave him the superpowers of the heightened senses.

Okay. All right.

Stevie Wonder, on the other hand, I heard a story where someone was walking in the studio, and they saw Stevie Wonder by a vending machine trying to decide what to buy.

Get the hell out of here.

By himself.

The money would share the story that he knew somebody that worked at Best Buy, and Stevie came in shopping for TVs.

One of the brothers from Boys to Man said that Stevie Wonder beat him in a game of air hockey.

Is there a clip of him in concert where the microphone stand is falling and he catches it?

Yeah. And have you seen when Beyoncé was standing in front of him at the— at the Grammys? He was basically like this.

There's too much evidence. He could see. He could see.

No, he's just grabbing wrists. That's all.

So last night, I had some time, and I was like, ooh, you know what I'm going to watch right now? I haven't seen it in its entirety. I haven't seen it in probably a good 20 years. I'm going to watch Heat.

Oh.

That's right.

Oh, that is a good movie.

So the first movie you got to do, like, I got to open up IMDb.

You took a break from your usual evenings and watched Heat?

Yeah, usually I'm— usually I'm— no, no.

Usually you're watching.

Heat the movie. Heat the movie. Not Heat basketball. Heat the movie. So you got to go on the internet movie database, you know, and I got to see what— what service it's available on because I'm not trying to pay for it. And it's available on a couple of different services. Yep. I'm firing this baby up. And obviously, I know how great a movie Heat is. And it's been in the news a little bit lately because they're— they're about to start making the sequel, Heat 2, which— unbelievable cast this movie's going to feature. And I'll tell you, I'm— I'm, like, 25 minutes into Heat last night, and that movie starts with a bang.

Yeah. Though, like, the merits of it being a heist movie are largely inflated. Yes, a heist kind of kicks things off, but the heist is not central to it.

Right.

It's really, like, what the heist does to these people's lives after the fact. Whereas your traditional heist movie is about the one last job. Although there is another heist to, you know, kind of fix what the second-to-last job did.

I just— I find— I find watching it now as I'm older, and like I said, I probably hadn't sat down and watched Heat in its entirety in, like, 20 years. But watching it now, I just— I was obsessed with the whole idea last night, how they're the same. Those two guys, they're the same. You know, Vince and Hannah, the detective, and— and Neal McCauley, who were obviously—

Oh, I've seen one of those scenes.

They're the same guys.

They only shared two scenes in the movie, right?

Well, I don't even count the second one where he— spoiler, I guess— where he kills him at the end.

He was 33 years old.

Where he kills him at the end. Like, that's not even really sharing a scene. He shot him, they stare at each other, that's the end of it, you know? Like, they're really in one scene together, and now it's in the coffee shop, which really is as good as it's cracked up to be.

Well, people don't understand the gravity of that because they've seen them work together since, but Pacino and De Niro.

It was a big deal.

They were the actors of the time, and for them to be in the same.

It was a big deal.

There's a goosebump. I literally have goosebumps.

Me too.

At the time, to see De Niro and Pacino.

Yep.

Share a scene was an all-timer. Yeah, they were in the Godfather franchise together, and they never shared a scene.

Exactly. And— and so I was having this conversation yesterday. What would the modern-day version of that be?

Ooh.

And the answer that came back to me, courtesy of Zach Harper, is it's probably going to be in Heat 2 because where it is, they're trying to get Leo and Christian Bale.

No, it's not— it's not where it is. It's confirmed.

They are? Okay.

Yeah, it's confirmed.

Well, then the word is confirmed.

Yeah, Christian Bale is confirmed.

And Bale plays Pacino's character, and DiCaprio plays Chris Cherylis, which was Val Kilmer.

Val Kilmer's.

So they've never been in a scene.

Val Cherylis is the— Cherylis is the main character of Heat 2, pretty much.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Heat 2 happens across a bunch of different timelines, and De Niro's character, Hannah, who— well, De Niro.

But none of the timelines are after the original Heat, right?

Yes.

How?

So you have— you have Cherylis's story arc because he goes off in the— off into the sunset.

But who's going to play him then in the, you know, future?

DiCaprio.

Okay.

You go into Hannah's character, Bale, and you find, like, the origins of the main villain who's going to be played by Adam Driver.

Right, right.

Because it's going to be, like.

Oh, Kylo Ren?

Hannah has previous experience.

Have you read the book?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I read it.

Yeah.

He's heard the book.

Yeah. And McCauley— McCauley, who's dead, they go back into the past to tell his story because he has a family member that is going to be central to the story. And basically, that character is a tie that binds all these things from the past and present.

Okay.

Yeah.

Can I have a moment of vulnerability here? While I have seen Heat many a time, and I love that movie, I don't know nobody's names, man.

Really?

McCauley, I don't know who nobody is. You got to tell me Pacino's character, or then Robert De Niro says this, and he says, "Oh, you know, you got to get out there without 30 seconds or whatever, whatever." And then he.

When you're feeling the heat.

And then his kid is— what's her name? Is it— is it Alyssa Milano is the kid, or who's the kid?

Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman. Right, right, right. And, like, Val Kilmer's over here, and then you got— we got our friend Hank Azaria over there. Like, I know those. You tell me McCauley says to Jackson, I'm like, I don't know who you're talking about, man.

Is Christian Bale younger than Pacino was when Pacino did Heat?

Ooh, good question.

But Pacino was.

Because it's supposed to be.

It's lived, man.

Yeah. I— I know.

Bale looks younger than Pacino was in that movie for sure.

I know, but I would— I would bet they're very similar in that movie.

I think you're probably right.

Will he have a coke habit in this one?

So that's another thing that we were talking about before the show because I love Heat. He's one of the greatest movies of all time. Michael Mann is one of my favorite filmmakers of all time. Wrest up. Heal. We need Heat 2. But, dude, the— the whole thing about Al Pacino's character in that film is they deleted scenes of Al Pacino doing.

Right. He was— the detective was a coke addict.

Yeah, but everyone just watches the movie. They took those scenes out and rather have it— it's weird to say subtle because there's nothing subtle about that performance. They'd rather have it implied that he had a coke issue, which I think was a right call.

I think it was too.

But Pacino just overplays it to a degree that— and then.

When— when— yeah, if it's not shown to you.

And then Pacino just basically did that for the remainder of his career, so it's hard to understand that that was patient zero and was patient zero with intention.

Wait, wasn't Scent of a Woman where he started doing all that stuff?

Yeah, but it kind of went away, and the character was so eccentric, but— and you had reasons as to why. I imagine they can go back in time with Christian Bale's portrayal of the character, and you could see the seeds of his coke addiction.

By the way, confirmed Christian Bale, 52. Pacino at the time was 55.

Al Pacino went on Scent of a Woman, sonar vision.

There you go. Full circle.

Way to bring it all back. But, like, the— the Hannah story arc happens well before you can tell.

Do you know which one Hannah is?

No, it's Hannah the—

Pacino.

It's— oh, that's— that's the wife, right?

No, but no. So it happens.

That's not his ex-wife?

It happens in Chicago, which is several years, more than three.

That's the musical, right?

Okay.

Oh, you know Chicago the City? I'm sorry.

The guy that plays McCauley played Al Capone in Boardwalk Empire.

Oh, yeah, I know him.

Oh, he was great. I love that guy.

Yes.

Steven Graham.

He's British.

He's in Snatch.

He's British.

He's also in the movie— the show that just won a ton of awards, Adolescence?

Oh, I refuse to watch that show.

He was the dad in Adolescence, right?

I can't watch that show. That's— that's— that's— that's too heavy if you're a parent that kind of show. That's where, like, the kid is convict— is accused of murder, and the father's— that's too heavy for me. I can't watch that.

Too heavy for you?

It is.

You're taking your kids to New Year's Eve in New Orleans, and that's too heavy for you? What are you talking about?

I'm still— I'm still skeptical that we ever see Heat 2.

No, come on.

I—

You can't. It's can't miss. It's everything— it's everything Hollywood loves.

Right.

A sequel, IP, big names, everything.

But Michael Mann—

He'll be in.

Michael Mann's health and age.

No, he just shot himself in the leg. It's all right.

Well, the— the production's already been delayed, and Michael Mann Productions are very involved. There was a great article written on, like, the harrowing adventure that was filming Miami Vice and explains why Jamie Foxx is barely in the movie. Like, he— he requires that every single one of his cast members takes aggressive handgun training and assault rifle— rifle training, even, like, when you don't have that for your character, which is—

Hank is a—

Who knows?

You might be called into action.

Hold on. Well, ask— well, I got to ask Hank Azaria then. Like, yo, did you have to do gun training even though your character just gets.

Dude, I would love to ask Hank about working with Michael Mann.

Well, Hank's going to be on with us today.

What?

Yes, yes.

Hank is talking.

I was just saying that in general. Like, one day when we talk to Hank.

Hank is going to be on with us today. He is our celebrity prognosticator. He had a winning week last week. He kicked Colin Coward's ass. And so Hank's going to be on with us today, and I got some questions.

You know what Howl of Avengers: Doomsday is going to be, where everyone's going to be dressed up and cosplaying.

What?

Heat 2 is going to be like that, but for people north of 40. Men north of 40. I'm going to be dressed in Sean Wait's character.

He was so good.

I'm going to have a polo tie on.

You have long hair?

That's why I'm wearing a pair of suits.

I'm working on it already.

Let's throw to my boy Jeremy Tasche, who's sidelined right now. Tasch money. What you got for me?

Jeremy Tasche.

Thanks, Jax.

This is the Dan Le Batard Show. Do you tell me Christian Bale and Leonardo DiCaprio have never shared a scene together in a movie?

What movie have they been in together?

Well, I'm thinking about it. I'm talking out loud, I mean.

I thought you'd been in a scene. I'm like, they haven't even shared a movie together.

Is it true they've never even been in a movie together?

Probably not. That— that makes sense.

Well, like, thinking about Heat 2, they don't really share anything until, like, the final scene.

Yeah, there's probably no reason for them to very much in— in that.

No, Cherylis is on the run.

Yeah. But they've never— they've never been in a movie together, those two, before that, huh? Because I— I love DiCaprio.

Internet says it's just Heat 2.

Wow. That's pretty awesome.

Yeah, but the thing is, like, they're not actually— unless Michael Mann changes it for screen, they don't really exchange dialogue.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah, because they never— the first time they meet is in the diner in the— in Heat.

Right. Hannah doesn't know who they are until the movie Heat, you know?

Yeah.

So— and by the way, so this movie's coming out a little more than 30 years after the original.

Yes.

What's, like, the record for the longest it took for a sequel to come out?

Oh, The Odd Couple 2. I know because we reviewed on Cinepub, wherever you get podcasts. The first Odd Couple was, like, in the '60s, and the second, the—

It's a really disappointing answer.

When did Get Smart come out? The first Get Smart.

Isn't that a— is that a remake?

That's a reboot, though.

Yeah, a reboot of a TV show.

That's a reboot.

Hmm. 30 years, a long time to wait for a sequel. That's what you're getting here.

Bad Lieutenant.

Port-a-Colle.

Port-a-Colle. Yeah. There's— you know there's a new Bad Lieutenant?

Is there?

Yeah.

Wow.

That's happening in Japan.

A Japanese Bad Lieutenant.

Will Harvey Keitel do Full Frontal in Bad Lieutenant?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know who was in Bad Lieutenant 2?

No.

Right here.

Yeah.

Here.

I want to go back to.

Sports?

Our conversation yesterday about the hurricanes.

Ah.

And I think that I might be wrong about something. Why are you saying?

Ah, man. We had a fun show, and that's like.

We're going to have more— we're going to have more fun.

Ah, let's— let's talk about the.

It was a catch.

The dodge deal.

Let's do that for 10 minutes.

It's a matter with you. So.

It's a nickel package.

Yeah.

So we were talking it out yesterday, the hurricanes who debuted in this week's rank— debuted in this week's rankings. They were number 7. And.

Number 7.

And I posed the question yesterday, do we believe that if the Canes win their final three regular season games and then win the ACC Championship, do they get, like, will the ACC Championship game essentially be for a buy?

You struggle with ACC.

Yeah?

Yeah. Listen back to it.

All right.

You skip one of the Cs.

By the way, I'm still offended on the postgame last night. You thought that I said— when I said Vic. I definitely said Michael Mann.

You said Vic.

You said— No way.

Everyone heard it.

It's also been proven that most of— of our side of America, we skip the L in Samuel L. Jackson. I just did it just now.

I've heard that. Samuel L. Jackson.

Right.

Samuel L. Jackson.

Right.

I've heard that.

Samuel L. Jackson?

Oh, I've never thought about that. Yeah.

Samuel L. Jackson.

I've— that's— I never thought that. I'm not saying L. That's— yes, I am. I said Samuel L. Jackson.

Samuel L. Jackson.

It is.

Call him like his peers call him, Sam.

Sam Jackson. That's if you.

So I made the case that if the Canes win the ACC Championship game, they— they will probably get a buy. They will probably be the four seed. But then yesterday on Zaslow Show 2.0, wherever you get your podcasts, yesterday on Zaslow Show 2.0, I'm talking it out, and I think I'm wrong. I don't think that— unless something drastic happens in front of them, of course. I don't think that there's going to be a real lane for them to finish number 4 and get a buy. So hear me out, Mike, and hopefully you can correct me, and hopefully I'm wrong, okay? Because right now, UGA is 1, Alabama is 3, and right now those two teams are obviously lined up to play in the SEC Championship game.

Right.

Let's hold.

Bama— Bama won't be favored in that game.

So let's hold that out there in the balance. At the very least, we have an SEC team that's going to be in the top 4 then. Utah, undefeated, wins the Big 12, they're going to be top 4.

You're— you're— this is where you can pick it apart. You're expecting all these teams to handle business.

Yeah.

You— do you know what kind of favorite Utah is this week?

No.

Against Arizona?

No.

Arizona was just ranked in— in the CFP at the end.

Yeah.

At the end of it. I don't think they're ranked in the other poll.

I think they're 22.

I think they're— the— the spread right now is under 3. This is the first time since 2014 FSU Miami in which the spread has been that small for a top 3 team against an unranked team in one of the polls.

Wow.

So.

Okay, so I'm— all right, but hear me out. I'm just talking it out here, okay? Utah, who's been really good this year, obviously, let's assume that they're going to win the Big 12, all right? And then the Big 10 champion, if it ends up being UCLA, an undefeated UCLA, let's say that Georgia beat Alabama, so we don't have the scenario where there's two SEC teams. It means there's one more spot. Well, Notre Dame right now is number 5, and the Canes are number 7.

Right.

Notre Dame will finish ranked ahead of Miami because of the tiebreak.

Here's where the tiebreak— and I'm big on head-to-head, and I think that if that's the case, Notre Dame should be in. But it's not a tiebreak. Miami has an additional game, and this is where you actually hold against for the last time.

The additional game being the Conference Championship?

Yeah, you actually hold against for the last time that Notre Dame does not play in a conference, doesn't play in a Conference Championship game. The records are not the same.

You see a world where the Canes would be 4 and Notre Dame would be 5?

I don't, but I also don't see a world in which everything that you laid out happens. Because college football this year, I don't think UCLA goes undefeated. I don't think Utah goes undefeated. I don't think anybody goes undefeated. There isn't an undefeated team in the lot right now. And also, if Alabama loses that SEC title game, think about what we're seeing behind Alabama right now with Tennessee. Very quietly, the Notre Dame-Miami thing is playing out again, where they have Tennessee and Alabama in a different pot.

Right.

And as the season progresses, we know the CFP just will not abide by, ultimately, when push comes to shove, if two teams have the same record and one of them has a head-to-head advantage the way that Tennessee has over Alabama, Tennessee will be ranked over Alabama. But if Tennessee is not playing in that SEC title game, they will have an opportunity to move Miami up, eliminate the buffer team, and then put Tennessee over Alabama, especially if Alabama goes up and loses in the SEC title game.

Oh.

Are they going to do the thing?

Oh.

Are they going to do the thing where they rank it one way the entire time, and then the last ranking the one that actually matters?

It feels like it.

Shucks.

It feels like it, yeah.

Yes.

Switch it up.

Yes. Because it's— it's the easiest argument to make. When two teams have the same exact record, one of the team beats the other team with had— because they played earlier in the season.

So.

You take the team that won.

Okay, so back to Alabama and Tennessee then. You're saying that Alabama, in this case, if they lose the SEC Championship game, which would be their third loss, and let's say Tennessee, you know, they don't lose again this season, and so Tennessee would only have two losses, you're telling me Alabama would be punished for losing the SEC title game.

Yeah, but also, my— I'm telling you that Miami would leap Alabama because Miami would have two fewer losses and a Conference Championship.

I believe that.

Yeah. So.

That I believe.

Yeah, and.

The part that I have a hard time believing is that the— if we have an undefeated Big 10 champion, an undefeated Big 12 champion, that Notre Dame's not getting the fourth spot, and it's Miami.

Well, the part that I find hard to believe is that we have an undefeated Big 10 champion and an undefeated Big 12 champion too.

UCLA schedule, we know it's.

But you can see that if Miami handles its business, wins the ACC Championship, and the.

Need help.

And the scenario plays out with Alabama, in which they make it to the SEC Championship but end up losing again to Georgia, Miami in the loss column is two games better. Miami will jump Alabama. Alabama will get slotted down, and then the CFP has to acknowledge Tennessee's victory over Alabama.

So ultimately, if it is UGA-Alabama in the SEC Championship game, the Hurricanes fan needs a Georgia win for sure.

Yeah, because Alabama then erases a loss that did not come without controversy. Alabama, that was a good game.

And the Canes fan also needs UCLA to lose a game.

Yes, which.

They will.

I— they're bound to.

Well, well, I mean, maybe in the— right now they would play Indiana in the Big 10 Championship game.

All right.

Like, UCLA's final three games are not hard.

So let's say UCLA goes through. They have a rivalry game with USC.

Yeah. Right.

So we'll see. UCLA makes it to a Big 10 title game, and UCLA loses a Big 10 title game. Miami makes it to the ACC Championship game, one loss, Miami. Then people will apply the context of Malachy Tony was out. There was a controversial call at the end of that game. Miami battled, they lost by one score.

You think they care about a controversial call at the end of the game?

I think they— this is where— I mean, they referenced it already, and I think when you compare resumes, also, Miami's resume right now is better than UCLA's, even though UCLA is undefeated. Everyone points to the Oregon victory, and yes, with time, that Oregon at Eugene win for UCLA is impressive because Oregon's metrics are pretty good. We'll see how the rest of the season plays out for Oregon. Miami's win at Wake Forest is better than UCLA's signature win. Right now, the only difference is the loss column, and if that loss column is the same, then you say, well, Malachy Tony was out, and they were on the road at Notre Dame, which is a top 4 or 5 team.

So I guess what I'm doing here, I'm looking at the rankings as currently constructed and have a hard time believing that the Canes are going to get a buy. You're trying to— you're essentially trying to predict what could happen over the next few weeks as the way that the Canes would get in.

I— if you're to assume the higher-ranked team and the favorites win for the remainder of the month in November, that wasn't happening last year, and it's certainly not going to happen this year. This year is crazy. You look at last year's Ohio State team, when you consider what they had on defense, dude, that Ohio State team that Miami beat in the Cotton Bowl last year, if you just dropped them into this season, they'd be compared to the '01 Hurricanes and 2019 LSU. They would be so much better than everybody else. Right now, there are only flawed teams in college football.

Dan Le Batard.

Analytics have/are ruining the game. We're playing AI hoops.

That's his team. His team's in the forefront of all that.

Damn Zaz, don't steal my time.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Jonathan Zaslow. I got carried away. This is the Dan Le Batard Show. Tony, you came in this morning, and I didn't hear any of the details yet, but you said that you have freaky news.

It's freaky.

To share with everyone today.

I got a bit of freaky news yesterday.

Freaky?

Yeah, freaky news yesterday, and I'll— and I'll let you know why. So.

Froze.

I've been dealing with some snoring issues. Yeah, as most men do. There's issues that we got.

Yeah, man.

As— as Zaz, I know that your wife says that you snore a lot.

Yeah, she says when my son moves out for college next year that we're getting a sleep divorce.

Oh, wow.

Are you going to have to sleep in another room?

No, I think it's going to be her.

Really?

Bro.

Really? So you get—

You get the other room.

I got hands.

No, you get the kid back.

I got hands in my house.

Does the room— does the room have a TV in it?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

You can watch your stories now.

You don't have to watch it on iPad anymore. You can watch it on the big TV.

You got plenty of hands in that room.

That's a win.

I'm going to sleep in a different room, spout. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to make a— an appointment. I'm going to go to a sleep study doctor, see what we can do if it's a CPAP machine or whatever.

Oh, you don't want that CPAP.

I know, but I got to figure out how to stop snoring.

Right?

It's like that's— that's my biggest problem.

You're a back sleeper?

Yeah, I am.

You got to go side sleep.

I do, but the problem is I— I somehow always go back.

You got— your chest got too big, doc.

Happens to all of us. Well, so I get in, guy starts looking at my metrics. They start taking, you know, your— your size, your weight, your this, your that. And he's like, all right. He's like, I'm going to check your nose. He's like, you played sports. I can tell, like, your nose is kind of like in different directions.

The doctor says to me too.

And then— and then he looks— he looks, he's like, all right, can you open your mouth for me? I'm going to just check your— your throat and everything. And I'm like, yeah, cool, for sure. So I'm like, ah.

Yep.

He just stands back. He sits there, and he's like, hmm.

Say wider.

He goes, okay. He takes a step back, and then when he said hmm, I knew something that he saw in there wasn't— wasn't good.

Needs.

Takes a step back.

Good.

Takes a step back and goes, all right, I know what the issue is. The issue is you have the tongue of a seven-footer.

Okay.

What?

Yo, at that point, you got to fight that dude.

What?

You better put that in your bio.

I'm like— I'm like, what?

He goes, yeah, your tongue is so big.

Mm-mm.

It's like that of a seven-footer.

Let me see it. Stick that out.

Nope. No, put it in shack.

What?

See, like, if it fits on a seven-footer.

Yeah.

Put your tongue in shack.

So I have the tongue of a seven-footer, and now I have to do an in-sleep study, in-lab sleep study, for them to tell me, like, all right, you're fit for a CPAP or you're not. But when I heard tongue of a seven-footer, I was like, that's a bit of freaky news, right? Like, do I high-five my wife at that point and be like.

Stick— stick your tongue out again. Stick your tongue out.

The third time. What do you want to know?

Because I— because Mike's got his tongue out.

Mike's longer.

I want to do— I want to do com.

I think Mike's—

What about your tongue?

It's not about long.

He's got Wemby's tongue? What's up?

It's about width.

What are you talking about?

Tongues right next to each other.

Is it girth?

No, no.

Move closer together. Closer together.

Face each other.

No, no, no.

Face each other. So we get a tail of the tongue.

I'm not giving the internet that. No.

All right, so how do you— how do— has anybody ever gotten news freakier than that, where you have the tongue of a seven-footer from one male to another?

This is freaky, all right.

Seven-footer.

Can you imagine?

You know what's funny? You started the story saying, I went to go see a sleep science doctor, and I said, scam. Oh, they're doing all sorts of measurements. Oh, oh.

I'm with you.

Your temperature. Like, you don't know shit, man.

I'm with you.

Well, the measurements, they know because they can take them.

What's the measurement? They're measuring your six-footer to your elbow to your—

They're taking it down.

Your middle— oh, that's— yeah, oh, ooh, that's a good reading. They're just saying stuff, man. They're just throwing numbers at you and letting you know, like, oh, this is— oh, this is explaining why you're snoring at night. No, man. No. I don't believe none of that stuff.

So— so if he can't explain, who can?

God, man. Go holler at Jesus.

Call God.

Go holler at Jesus, man.

I mean, why do you need it explained to you? Why do you need explain?

I need it explained to my wife.

Get the breathe right shit.

It's all about me.

Breathe right shit.

I've done it. I've done it.

You put that in.

I did the mouth tape. I did the mouth tape.

Or I used to do the mouthpiece.

Uh-oh.

How'd that work out for you?

I mean, it— like, it hurts your jaw.

Uh-oh.

Like, it's— it's adjusting your jaw.

It hurts.

Is this the one with the— like, the— the belt and the ball?

No.

Or how that works?

Oh, yeah, that— that's called the ball gag, yeah. And that— that's exactly what I was using.

Good luck with your seven-foot tongue.

So the Chinese—

What the— what does that mean, man?

That's what I asked him. I was like, what does it mean? He's like, your tongue is so big that it's covering some of the— some of the part of your— of your throat with your breathe.

You may have to get your tongue removed.

Tongue reduction.

I asked him, is it genetic? Did I— did I do something? He's like, nah, someone in your family must have a big tongue.

You go to— you got to go to a plastic surgeon or something so that I—

Thin out my tongue?

You got to show them a picture of, like, Steven Tyler, like, I want a tongue like this.

So what do you do? Like, call your father? Like, yo, Dad, how big is your tongue?

Yeah.

Like, hey, do you have a big tongue? Like, who's got a big tongue around here?

That's right.

Everybody's like, nah, I got a normal tongue.

Mom, how big is your tongue?

No, you got to be like, Tony, that's the sign of the Caladiud man, right? For generations. You know, like, you're like, generations of you guys having a tongue.

That's right. That's right. We don't— we don't produce curls in the Caladiuds. They produce huge tongues.

That's why we put an ah sound in it. So I'm doing the sleep study on the 24th. So the 25th, I'm going to show up, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, ready to talk about my sleep study.

Where do you do this sleeping at?

At the— at the lab.

Uh-huh.

Like, I show up at the lab, and I'm like, all right. And I actually walked in. It's actually very relaxing. So you walk in.

Yeah, I sure it is.

You get into the second— you get into the lab part, and there's like— it's almost like a hotel. There's like four different rooms. You walk in, very nice bed. You got a TV. You got the Wi-Fi. The— the shades are drawn down.

Uh-huh.

I'm like, ooh.

The privacy is disappearing.

So they have you doing some cardio? Like, are— are you basically doing the 50 Cent in the club video?

I might— I— I thought of that. I might be. Like, I might be hooked up to, like, all these machines and stuff, and then all of a sudden, all right, go to sleep.

Sounds a little too convenient for the freak who said, you got a big tongue. Come— come stay here overnight, man. We're going to pull these shades down.

I don't think he stays overnight.

You like TV?

He sits in the chair the whole night. It watches you. It's taking notes.

Just sits there?

Yeah, taking notes.

That's how it works. I'm going to study you. You sleep, man.

I don't like that.

It's like it's all good. You want some music? He puts on some Barry White. Like, what's happening here?

You'll never find.

Speaking of Barry White, I got to salute my brother Amin today, bro, for going three buttons on them folks. Man, come on, bro. Player. You know what, man? I woke up today and I said, you know what, I— since I shaved my beard, I've had, like, this little 5:00 shadow thing, which I haven't had in a long time. I said, I need to live the 5:00 shadow life, man. I've been continuing to live a bearded life, and it's going to be back soon. But until it comes back, I got to start living the— the 5:00 shadow life.

Zaz, you said.

And.

Let me hear it.

Blamed his— everyone else.

Blamed everyone.

Let me hear it one more time.

Blamed his— everyone else.

Boy, that sounds an awful lot, like I said, Dick.

Dick.

One of the longest sequels ever. The distance between Mambo Number 5 and Mambo Number 6.

Is there a Mambo Number 6?

Right here, pal.

Oh, no, man. Mustache is still here. The beard is what— the beard is what makes it happen, man.

Did you guys see last week? I think it was last week, right? Or it was over the weekend? Tony and Juju Amin, they went and they played in a game.

Yeah.

At Inter Miami. They— they played a soccer match.

Well, I didn't see Juju. I saw Jubape.

Oh, Jubape.

You got to know.

Can you— can you tell me about this— this game?

Like, on the Friday, and I'm going to just let you know, I go to the gym a lot. You know what I'm saying? But I rarely hit that treadmill, you know? So I was out there.

Go, go.

It was like— it was everybody. I was— I got nutmegged at least, like, four times, you dig? And it was embarrassing. But I got a second win at one point.

Uh-huh.

So for those people that don't know what we're talking about, last week we got invited to the Copa de Medios, which is the media game for Inter Miami. A1, five-star, like, it was one of the most incredible experiences. We walked in as players. We got to walk through the tunnel that Messi, Suarez, all these people walked through. Juju was in the actual locker room. I got put into a guest locker room. That's neither here nor there. That was a— that was a business decision on their part.

You know, it's— it's the Juju effect, man. I'm surprised they didn't sign him to the team for real.

Four lockers away from Landon Donovan. He's there changing with Landon Donovan in freaky news too. All right, well, we have a video. Let's check it out.

One of us taking home this gold today.

Hopefully.

That right here.

Hopefully.

Amin and Juju, you're out here at New Stadium here for Copa de Medios. Amin and Juju are about to play in the media game. Plus, we're going to take a tour of the brand new New Stadium. I can't stop saying New Stadium.

Right, New Stadium.

You got Landon Donovan on your team.

Today I'm on Landon watch.

They don't know I'm ready to win the whole thing.

This ain't mine, mate.

This is the FIFA Women's Champions Cup.

Okay.

Yeah.

It looked like a rose gold.

What's up, brother? How you doing?

This is a Batman signal in the sky right here.

This is one of our most premium lounges in the entire stadium.

My brother.

Your locker room's here. You're on pink team. I'm on white team. I'm down that way.

Hey, you better protect Landon Donovan. Go after him.

Come on. They know my nickname. They heard about me already in the streets, man.

Soccer's not that hard. It's an easy sport.

You already know.

I'm not offended that Juju got the official locker room.

Get up out of here while I change.

You know what I get? Just hard work. What is this? We're just— we're ready. And we don't have to worry about it. I feel like I'm going to play better than Juju. I just don't know if his team's going to be better than our team.

Come on, man. I think they need me to go stretch.

You see that? That's what you get if you get too close to Landon Donovan. I never played soccer, but I played the hell out of some foosball. If I can be a foosball champion, how easy is this going to be? Hey, that's the first one. All right. That was easy.

Like center back.

Center back. Yes, sir. Thank you, coach. Thank you, coach. I won't let you down. So I'm a defender. I won't let you down. I try to make a move there. Put my body on the line. You get home with a dirty jersey, that means you did something. A lot of clean jerseys out here.

Right now, this— this message is coming to you from me trying not to throw up. I told Coach, I wasn't going to let him down.

I won't let you down.

I lied. My team's still playing, though. Hold on, though. We might have an undertaker situation.

Second win. We here.

Juju Gotti just subbed out Andrés Cantor and is playing for Team Euphoria down 2-0. Coach said that they needed him.

You ready?

Yes, sir. And somehow, some way, Juju jumps in the game and now 13 on 12. Nobody's noticed, and he's just running around as an extra man.

False alarm. It was a— it was a half a win.

Thank you, Inter Miami for sure, man. Leandro Messi, everybody. They know. When us together, they're like, uh-uh. Oh, that's why you don't see us together no more. They be like, nah, we got to separate us. Not next year, though. We coming back. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

Let's go.