Transcript of TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation

Will I start the day with a good hot breakfast, barge, eggs and bacon, and a drop of whiskey and tea. You can defy the virus then. Very good. What about you, madam?

I believe in a good breakfast, but I also believe if you have got the flu, rinse your inside out continually with boiled water, about four or five half-time glasses a day. Boiled water. On this episode of the Commercial Break.

You know, as one of the top comedy podcast in the bottom half of the comedy charts. It causes the entire podcast universe a lot of Ajda, when we don't push out fresh episodes. So you can understand the precarious position that I'm in, having received my annual visit from Atlanta's Fifth Fake Spring. Just like taxes, dental cleaning, and that twice a year you have sex with your spouse, I have received my annual visit from Uncle Flew and his ex-wife's sinus infection. So unfortunately, for all those who are paying attention, the commercial break does not have a new episode to fluff your feathers and tickle your tallywhacker today. But fear not, my little Minions, we're going to do what every other prestigious podcast would do in a situation just like this. Rehash the intro and outro, throw one of the mediocre past episodes in the middle, and give it a catchy name like DCB Classic. And what's on the menu for today's DCB Classic, you may ask? We're going to relisten to our good friend, Brad Van Bustation. Yes, Brad, the Venerable Love Connection contestant who touched our hearts and made us nauseous by bringing his date to the local Greyhound station because urine stained metal benches, the smell of body odor, and vending machine junk food for dinner has never, ever, ever turned a woman off.

Not in my experience anyway, and certainly not in Brad's experience. We felt instantly in love with this episode of The Love Connection, and I hope over time you will find a way to forgive me and my swollen tonsils for rubbing your ears the wrong way. Not once, but twice with this TCB Classic. All right, enough talking. I'm going to go down a bottle of Nyquil and I'll hallucinate my way through an episode of Teletubbies with my kids. We'll be back next week with a special guest, Kathleen Madigan on Tuesday. I promise you some piping hot episodes of The Commercial Break. Bye.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. It's still 30 in the morning.

Oh, yeah, cats and kitts.

Welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and co-host, the beautiful Kristen Joy Oatley. Best to you, Chrissy. Msd Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. I just read, and I sure shit hope this is not my fate, but I just read that the oldest dog in the world turned 31 years old. Please, please, please, please, please, 31 years old.

Wow, that's a long time.

That's like 150 years old in dog years. What dog was it? It's a labrador.

Oh, good old lab.

31 years old. Can you believe that?

That's a long time. My cat lived until she was 22. I thought that was long.

But it's cat. Cats can live into their 20s, right? They do live.

They live longer. Well, no, it's not normal.

I think I told this story one time. We're living downtown. I was living with my ex-wife. We lived in this house, and across the way was a duplex. The duplex was set way off the street. I remember that. Do you remember that? Mm-hmm. Okay. There's a duplex. Yeah, because we spent a lot of nights on that porch, shrinking and God knows what else ourselves to death. Dancey. Nancy. God bless the neighbors in that. Remember I had that one super old neighbor next door, and then I had that young couple who I believe were Norman next to us on the other side. Perfect. They got married in their backyard, and I had two dogs at the time. I had Botts and Winnie. They were really well-behaved dogs. They were. They were sweet. They were very sweet. They didn't bark a lot. I mean, you heard a bark out of Botts once a day, maybe, and it was because someone was knocking on the front door. But anyway, we had a fenced-in backyard. We had the Germans living next to us, and they got married. We saw them setting up on a Friday for a Saturday wedding.

They were never particularly talkative with us, and I can understand why, is because we were like a den of iniquities over there. It's cocaine, beer, and getting debauchery going on 24 hours a day. But we were over... I was in the backyard and I was over near the fence with the dogs, and I hear this on the fence. Hello? Hey, what's going on, man? What are you setting up for over there? We're actually getting married. Oh, wow. Congratulations. You're getting married in your backyard? Yeah, we're just going to have some friends and some family over and we're getting married and it's happening tomorrow. Could you do me a favor? Sure. Sure, no problem. What you need? Can you keep it down between 12: 00 and 3: 00 in the afternoon? And I was like, Keep it down? And he's like, Yeah, sometimes I know you guys like to play loud music and party and stuff, and the dogs are back there sniffing around and jingling, jangling. Could you just keep it down between 12: 00 and 3: 00?

In the afternoon.

And I was like, Sure. No problem, dude. Guess what I did? I let the dogs in the backyard for the entire Brian. No, I'm kidding. I didn't. Anyway, had this big long driveway going to this duplex right across the street from us, and they had a fucking parrot, not a cockatoo. Not one of those little small birds that dies in three months. A parrot, an actual parrot. I forget what you call them. They're like, cockatoos? Is that what it is? Is it a cockatoo?

I mean, I think a parrot's a parrot and a cockatoo is a cockatoo.

I know, but there's like, one of them is a pet and one of them is not. Is a cockatoo the one on the fruit loops box? And then a parrot.

That's a toucan.

That's a toucan. Toucan Sam. Toucan Sam. That's right. Okay. Whatever bird these people had. I don't know. I'm not a bird expert.

No, I grew up... Well, when I was younger, there was a friend of mine that his family had birds. Yeah. Like three of them. Parrots? So I would go in there, yeah. The big kind? They would talk. They would say things.

And bite your finger off, too, if you're fucking getting their way.

I didn't try and get into the cages.

They had parrot, and that parrot, you could be in the back of my house, in the very back of my house, in a shower with the water running and the music playing, and still hear that fucking parrot from across the street. They kept it outside I can only imagine because it was even too noisy for them to have inside of the house. They kept it outside. Most of the time they kept it outside.

What about with weather?

Go fuck yourself. I don't know. They had a It's really important. Oh, okay. So this went on for two years, two years, until one day I get a knock at the door. And I go and I look and it's this scraggly guy. He's got his shirt off. He's very skinny. He's got the jeans on with the belt, like, cinched way tight. Obviously, he's doing drugs. That's all I can say. Obviously, he's doing drugs. I can only imagine making Mountain Dew crystal meth in the backyard or whatever. I don't know, but he looks whacked out and he looks totally fucked up. I have never, ever in my entire... I was there for eight years. I had never seen the neighbors. I had only heard the parent. I opened the door. Hello? Hi, man. I'm Dale from Cross Street. I'm like, Oh, hey, Dale. Nice to meet you. I didn't extend my hand to shake it because I was afraid of where his hand had been. I was like, Hey, man, it's nice to meet you. Yeah, man, listen, I got to move out of the house in three days, and I was wondering if you could take my pet bird just maybe for a month, and I'll come back and get it.

And I'm like, no. I got dogs and people I care about and eardrums that I'd like to keep. Plus, I don't know you. Yeah, I was like, I go, Hey, Dale. I have eardrums. I have eardrums. I'm not going to take your fucking parrot. So I go, Hey, man, I appreciate that you need a place for the bird to stay, but I don't think my house is the right place. I got two I'll check with the Mormons. Yeah, check with the Mormons. They love loud noises. I said, Listen, I can understand, but you also got to understand my situation. I got two dogs. I just got a divorce. I'm mainly drunk all the time. It's highly likely that parent is going to get into some narc that it's going to kill it. You don't want me taking care of your parent. I can barely take care of myself. You don't want the parent involved in the whole situation. He stood out there for a few minutes trying to convince me of the parent. You see, it's that age when a I'm a parrot. I didn't know it was going to live 150 years, and now I got to find somebody to take it long term.

That's right. They live a long time.

Yeah. Now there's a bunch of people, like pet lovers, animal lovers, who are running out trying to find people who have these parrots and getting them to nine agreements that gives a chain of custody for when and if they die. Because apparently a big problem is they take them to the vet or somebody dies, they take them to the local vetinarian or whatever. They try and give them to the dog pound. Why the dog pound would take a parrot I don't know. But then the birds end up getting euthanized because there's nothing else they can do with them. They're really hard to home because you have to know what the fuck you're doing when you have a parent.

I can imagine there's not a lot of demand at the local shelter for parents.

No, unless you're down from across the street. I swear to God, this guy was at work. He had this tofs and everything. He had the whole tofs and all of it. Hey, man, I appreciate. Listen, if you know of anybody, just come over, let me know. I'll give you my phone number if you want. No, no, no, no, no. I know where to find you for the next couple of days. I'll call your people. My people will call your people if we find a place to rehome your fucking parent.

Keep it for a month.

Keep it for a month. That's what he asked me. Keep it for a month. Keep it outside. It doesn't really matter. It's used to being outside. It's probably why it's squawking all the time. It's because it's fucking cold, hot, rainy, wet, hungry, needs water. So I know that these parents. So then I was dating this girl one time. She lived down in... Her dad lived down in Florida. We went out there one time. I think I told this story. Ended up sleeping on an air mattress in the office of this house because I was just trying to be respectful of the fact that most parents don't want you sleeping with their daughter in don't want you going to pound town on their daughter in their house when you're not married. I was just being a good gentleman. Sport. Good sport. Yeah. I'll fuck her when you're sleeping and I'll come slink back to the bed later, which I did. So he had three parrots, and he loved these birds. But the birds would attack anybody who tried to get near them except for him. So everybody else in the house was just scared shitless of these birds that were literally in the house.

And so everyone- They weren't in a cage or anything?

They weren't in a cage. They were all three of them weren't in a cage. A series of cages. The whole wall was dedicated to these birds. And so they warned me, first thing going to come in, don't stick your fingers anywhere near that. The birds, they don't like people, blah, blah, blah, blah, Because they will take off your finger. Over the course of a day or two, I started staring at this one parrot. We started communicating, mind melding, right? Eventually, the guy, I said, Hey, do you ever take these things out? He's like, Yeah, I do, but usually not when people are... Strange people are around because I'm telling you these birds, they just don't like other people. I don't want unpredictable behavior that I can't control. He goes, But if you want me to, I'll take it out. I put it on my shoulder and you can whatever. He puts on his shoulder. And an eye patch. Yeah. What's that? This was in Tampa, Florida.

I'll put on my eye patch. My bird's a little...

I'll put on my best matey so he knows I'm a friend. A A friend in need is a friend indeed, Parate. Come hop over under my shoulder and poke out my eyeball. So he takes out the bird. He puts it on his forehand. Right.

Yeah. I've seen them do that.

And the bird hops toward me. Hops toward me. It was like, he tries to get off his little thing and hops toward me, but the wings are clipped, right? So he can't fly. So he's just like, like this. And I was like, oh, shit, he's going to attack me. And he's like, wow, I've never I've seen him do that before. And the bird is like, so put the bird back in the cage. I felt like that was maybe a sign that he didn't like me and I needed to stay away. Go to sleep on the mattress in the office the next day. It's got two of these French doors that you can just push open the pop, the little poppy French doors. So I'm sleeping and all of a sudden I hear this word and I can hear on the floor. And I'm like, I'm waking up out of sleep. I'm like, What is that? I turned my head and the fucking parrot is right there. Oh my God. And I'm like, The parrot, the murder parrot, the murder parrot is right next to me. What am I going to do? But that bird didn't do a thing.

It bounced close to me and it started nudging me with its nose. It was like this. Oh my God. It liked me. It actually liked me. And so I was like, Wow, murder parrot likes me. And I I swear to God, that was my first visit there and we became the best of friends. Anytime I would go, the murder parrot- You and the parrot? The murder parrot would sit on my shoulder and it would nudge my face and be like this. I loved you. Yeah, it loved me. Who knows? Maybe I should have taken the parrot. Maybe it was better than Dale. I just can't commit to anything. I could barely commit to a full day's work, let alone the murder parrot. Oh my God. Two birds of a feather. What do they say? Birds of a feather, flock together? Isn't that the right way to say it? You and the parents. Speaking of birds of a feather that flock together, I don't even know how we got involved in this conversation. How did that happen? The world's oldest dog. Oh, right. Sometimes I have to think about where we were before. You know what I'm saying?

This is like, I thought about a new tagline for the show that I actually might put up there. Feel free to go down the rabbit hole, we'll throw you a ladder.

That's true. We'll help you back out.

Yeah, we'll help you back out. That's right.

All This seems like as good a place as any to take a break. Why don't you listen to Rachel give you some information about how to get in touch with us, and I'll do some extremely gross netty potting, and maybe I'll sound like half a human in this next break.

Rachel here. While Brian takes his old man bladder to the little boys room, let's talk turkey. Tcb needs your help. If you love the show, do us all a favor and share. Sharing is caring, and we know you care, don't you? Do you want to be on the show? Leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3822, and you could be the next TCB disembodied voice. What'd you do today? I was a disembodied voice? You know, that sounds more dangerous than it actually is. Find us on Insta @thecommercialbreak. On the web at tcbpodcast. Com, and all the episodes on video are available the same day at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. I'm going to go help Brian get back up the stairs while you listen to the sponsors, and then we'll all meet back and get back to this episode of the Commercial Break. I'll take a raise now. Bitches, bye.

Speaking of two birds of a feather to flock together, fall in love, you know, Christie, We love our dating shows around here. We've reviewed so many of them. I can't even remember all the names. But one of the ones that sticks with us, two of the ones that stick with me, our Blind Date, which we just reviewed a couple of episodes ago. What I really would love to do is I love to review another Love Connection episode as we get into the thick of summer and we take off for our vacations and everyone's chilling out and relaxing. I thought we'd do something easy. I thought we'd not yell and scream about religion today, and we'd simply take it easy, settle down, and do a little love connection. Something we can all agree on is that Love Connection was the very first O. G. Dating game. It was the O. G. Tinder. It's the very first Tinder. True. You take a look at pictures and a little bit of information about somebody, and then you make a decision about who you want to go out with. You meet up with them, you bang real quick, and then you ghost them.

That's how it works. That's how it always works.

You show a little knee.

Yeah, you show a little knee. You show a little knee, maybe you get a knee job, and then you move on. A knee job. You mind if I... I know you don't want to take the bird. You mind if I fuck your knee? Can I fuck your knee real quick? I don't know. I just like fucking knees. Ever since I've been on this vendor, I feel like knees are really sexy. I'll fuck the back of it. That way you don't have any jizz on your front.

But you'll have the knee sweat.

Yeah, I got the knee sweat. Let me put some KY back there and I'll... Nothing like a knee fuck. Nothing like a knee fuck. I wonder how many people have knee fucked. You know it's happened. Probably. You know there's some douchebag out there that was like, Let me fuck the back of your knee.

People have strange fetishes. People do have strange fetishes. Which we've also reviewed, too. Maybe you should look into that.

Listen, I know that Rachel and I have talked about this multiple times. When you get that smell, when somebody has that smell- Oh, yeah, the smell. You literally want to chop them up and eat them. You literally... It's like a baby. It's like a baby or a puppy breath. It's like you want to eat their face. Maybe, even though I would never had to, but maybe I would have fucked the knee had someone said, You can only fuck my knee. I would have been like, I'll fuck your knee. That's not a problem. I can fuck your knee. Or can I just home to the bed right next to you? There is that stuff. Maybe we can whack off together the second you walk in the door. By the way, someone who knows that girl reached out to me after I told that story on there. Yes, they did. I'm really sorry I told that story on air, but she did ask me to whack off right in front of her the second I walked in the door. It's not not true.

Look, we have to fill content. What did he say?

I've got days and days of content. What do you want me to do? I got to fill it up. I'm now contractually committed to a thousand episodes or whatever the fuck it is. And it's the only thing I know is my own life. So I didn't say any names. No one's going to know except for that one person who did know. You know what I'm saying? Okay, just checking. All right, so without further ado, I was strolling on the internet. As you do. As I do, do. And I found an old episode of Love Connection. And I mean an old episode of the Love Connection. This is from 1983. What the fuck, Chuck? What the What the fuck, Chuck?

I say that to myself sometimes.

I know. I do, too. You do, too. Yeah, all the time. Sometimes I'm driving and I'm like, What the fuck, Chuck? Yeah. Then, of course, my son goes, What the fuck, Chuck? Good job. Just don't say that to anybody out loud. Keep that in your inside voice.

He gets a compliment anytime he wants to, and he says that his grandma is always trying to fix him up.

Please welcome Brad- This guy's in Danceware sales. I haven't seen that on TV.

Danceware I have not seen that occupation. That is the best occupation I have ever seen. And I'd like to know if on LinkedIn, it's one of the options for sales. They give you the options. Danceware. Danceware sales. They don't have an option for podcasting on any of the forms, like government forms you have to fill out where it says, what category of business do you have? And when you try and put podcaster, it's not even respected enough to have it. I bet danceware sales is there and podcasting is not. Thousand It sucks. He tripped when he walked out. He did. A poor guy. Hey, this is 1983, and he is rocking gym shoes with a full suit.

Yeah, he's going with the Nikes.

He's going with the Nikes. This guy is ahead of his time. Now, this is not the fashion model you would hope.

He works from home with his job.

Yeah, he's in dancewear sales. He's gas. I wonder if it's dancewear sales like my daughter goes to dance class and she wears a tutu and I'm selling it to you, or dancewear sales like high heels, fishnet stockings, and garter belts? I wonder what dance wear he's into.

He might tell us.

Yeah, I hope so. That is the worst outfit I've ever seen on a human being. It's pretty bad. Are those literally Corderoy pants?

They're pinstriped something.

Pinstriped Corderoy pants, Nike run shoes, a gray jacket, yellow polo shirt, and a haircut that I can only describe as cereal box.

I need your grandma to try to fix you up.

Well, I just wanted to thank you for that fresh fruit basket in my dressing room. It's okay. No problem. My grandma, it's a common practice, she goes in.

You got him, Jim. Hey, Julie, come look at Todd. Todd made him funny on the show, just like I told him.

Her dress her every Saturday, and she takes her pen and pencil, she said, and she tucks all the other grandmas about their granddawners for me. Does it usually work Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers, and I pick the names I want. I call them up, Chuck, but they remind me of a lost love's cattle.

This guy is a handful.

What's his name again?

Because he seems like a Vinnie. I don't know. Let's go back. Yeah, he seems like a Vinnie, but I don't think he's a Vinnie. Let's go back and let's see. He's Brad. Brad Grunberg. Grunberg.

You know Grunberg?

You know Grunberg? Hey, you've seen Grunberg? You've seen Grunberg. You tell him to get the fuck over here. That guy owes a knee fuck. Tell Grunberg I'm still waiting for that knee fuck. I'll get him, fucking asshole. Fucking Brad. What guy's name is Brad? Brad Grunberg.

He does have the BG initials.

He does. Anybody with the initials BG is doomed to a life of misery and poverty.

Well, I just wanted to thank you for that fresh fruit basket in my dressing room. Pen and pencil, kid. No problem. My grandma, it's a common practice. She goes to the hairdresser every Saturday, and she takes her pen and pencil set, and she tucks all the other grandmas about their grandad.

Pen and pencil set?

Well, it's the '80s.

Yeah, that's true. You don't have your Blackberry or your iPhone. Nothing. You had a pen.

Pen and pencil set. Pen and pencil set.

Hey, can I get your phone number? Sure. Write it down on my pen and pencil set.

It went in her pocketbook.

Do me a favor. Pick a pen or a pencil, any pen or pencil, write it down on a piece of paper. I got you. I'll put it in my roller decks.

That's for me. Does it usually work out? Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers, and I pick the names I want. I call them up, Chuck, but they remind me of last month's cattle for some reason.

This guy- What does that mean? Yeah. This is the guy who tells jokes in front of the mirror to make sure he gets it right. Yeah. Last month's what? Which is also... There's another BG in the studio that does that I know.

Cattle, Chuck? They're big girls. Not my style, man. Not my style.

Well, you're not exactly a slight little guy.

Chuck. Chuck. Oh, Chuck. If you would have just stayed this Chuck, if you hadn't grown up in All old and fussy. Wow. You're not exactly-I was going to say the same thing.

It's not like this guy's fit and trim.

No, he's looking for a 10 and he's a four. How else do you meet one of those?

Well, I do it in many ways, but the Friday night at the Temple seems to be pretty good. Friday night at the Temple? Yeah, there's a dance there, and I usually go up there, and we have a good time dancing, but the girl's a little too conservative for a guy like me. I'm a Mr..

We're over to guessing people's ethnicity.

Well, I thought he was Italian. I thought he was Italian, too.

But he's Jewish.

No, he's Jewish.

The biggest wild type. I'm a wild animal guy. That's my style. That's pretty good. I like to do cocaine off the back of girls' knees.

You got to have nice smooth knees, if you know what I'm talking about, Chuck. I like to bang a couple of rails, and they take a couple shots of Remi Martin. I get crazy at the Friday night dance. Don't you worry, Chuck. These girls are in safe hands with me. I'm a wild guy. I was once, true story, I was supposed to play Bluto in Animal House, but I was 12, so I didn't get the pot.

They want to take me home, but no.

Tell me this surefire way of getting compliments. At the At the temple?

Okay.

Yeah, but you know.

Continue.

I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic- Did they want to take him home? Okay. Yeah, I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic Church, and let me tell you something.

Take him home to Bang?

Yeah, of Sure. Take them home to Bang or meet mom and dad, break bread, the whole thing.

But anytime you want to, that's what you're saying.

I'm a B type guy, and I'm also a virgin. A B?

What's a bee?

I'm also a virgin. I'm also a virgin. I'm a B type guy. You mean you play on the He's a team? What are you talking about?

I think he means not type A, but type B.

But also he threw in a virgin. Yeah. Why did he throw in virgin? I don't know. I don't know either. Not something you would do these days. No. But yeah, I see him as... Anybody who looks at his outfit can probably tell he's not an A-type personality. When you're wearing green pinstripe pants and a gray shirt with a yellow polo.

We'll get to the virgin later. What's your name?

There's two types of guys. There's the A and B. You're in A, I'm a B. Okay? That's a compliment.

Take your word for it.

I'm a B, so I'm a virgin, so I decided that this is the way I'm going to get girls. I'll show you, Chuck. Okay. Hi, I'm ugly, but I'm a nice guy. No, I'm really ugly. No, you're not, Brad. You're a good-looking guy. You're cute. You're fun to be with. No, I'm ugly. I'm horrible.

So you do all of this stuff, and then they come on and say, No, come on, Brad.

Wow, sounds like a surefire way to get laid. Yikes. Hello. Hey, it's Brad Grunberg from the temple. How are you doing? I'm good. You said Brad from the Temple? Yeah, Brad from the Temple. My grandma gave me your phone number. You know what I'm talking about. Hey, listen, I want one to 10. What would you give me? I don't even know you. I'm ugly. I'm just telling you, I'm ugly. Okay, thanks for the call. No, no, no, wait. Keep on going for a little while and then you eventually want to screw me. So I'm really ugly. I'm terribly ugly. Okay, thanks, Brad from the Temple. I got to go now. You're scaring me. No, no, no, wait. I just want to tell you about my small penis. Okay, Brad. I have no money. Thanks for calling. I'm a virgin. My shoes have a hole in it. Okay. I have zero experience in bed. Okay, talk to you later.

You have anybody say, Yes, you're right, Brad, and leave?

Has that ever happened to you?

Chuck, many times.

Many times? I mean, we're going to be honest here.

But no, it's a great way. I meet a lot of girls that way. Basically, when I get to that point, I can do basically anything with him. Anything? Anything, most anything.

Except to have sex. Well, Apparently. Right.

Which is probably why you're still a- Virgil. There you are. Let's take a look at the taste of Brad's son, and remember, you're going to vote again, okay?

Here we go. Why do I feel like Brad went on the love connection? Because it was the only way he could get closer to the TV cameras where he desperately wanted to be. I bet if we look up Brad Gunberg right now, he's been in 60 movies as an extra. Yeah. Like, Google Brad Gunberg on IMDb. Grunberger. Grunberger? I thought it was just Gunberg. It's Gunberger? I think so. Okay. All right.

There's Donna. She's originally from Queens, New York, enjoys photography and working with stained glass. Now, she says that she often gets compliments on her eyes. Here is Donna's requirements for a man.

She should now have a good, decent job in education and just be wise with what he does. I want you to notice something about this. I want to share this with people who are listening. On the screen is a nice young lady who's giving her a little- Vicky. Yeah, Vicky, who's giving her a little soliloquy. Here. Then in the bottom, there's a picture in picture, a box showing Brad and his reaction to the girl. He gets so animated that some TV producer inside of the studio decides to cut the box out because they don't like the way Brad's acting. They're like, This guy's Obnoxious. Cut him out. Watch.

Job and education.

They did. They cut him out. He was wise with what he does with his money. He spent it on me.

That girl is Vicky. Her Hobbies include playing basketball, baseball, football. She also likes to swim, cook, work out, and go horseback riding.

It seems like you're going to go. Wow, Brad and this girl seem perfect fit for each other. Brad only wears tennis shoes with a suit.

I think so.

She says her best habit is chewing gum.

We'll be in a movie and I'll pop a piece of gum in my mouth just because I'm hungry or just because I don't want to ask for popcorn or something. I'll find myself doing… I just feel so stupid. Then I realized I go, Oh, my God. Nice impression that you're making.

Finally, you watch Gail. She was raised in Kansas. She says that…

Gail looks like she's part of the Ducker.

It's Gail Ducker? Is that a wig on top of her head? Is she wearing a wig? I don't think so. Her hair is two totally different colors. It really is. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, she definitely looks like a Ducker.

She spends most of her time taking care of her horse. Now, when she wants to impress a man, she'll bake him cookies. She hasn't had much luck with her dates recently. And here's the one example.

We started getting really hostile. And he's all, You come here and you do this.

And I'm like, No, I don't.

I do what I want to do. Just go with the flow. Sad to say, I punched him. What?

It's bizarre. I punched him. But they probably had a limited selection of who they thought they could match Brad up with.

Yeah, they probably had like... I would imagine the girls get some saying this, is my thought, is like, Hey, you're going to go out with Brad. They probably had 3,000 girls on video, and these are the three. They just didn't ever respond it. So they're like, I have to put them in there. Exactly. They didn't get the message. Wow.

What an interesting combination. Let's take a look at all three of them again. First is Donna. She's 25. She's a stockbroker's assistant. Now, Vicky's an education student. She's 23. That's an education student. Finally, Gail, she's 24.

He's an education student. A student of education?

A student of education.

Oh, that's an That's interesting. That's like being a business person. I'm a person of business.

Gail is a word processor who has a sideline of boxing.

A word processor?

Before they did it with computers. Oh, yeah. I guess so.

I guess. What did that entail? Processing words? I think so. Give me a favor to process these words for me. I appreciate it. I think there's one of those in my head.

Okay. Brad picked one of those ladies as his date. Who would you fix him up with now that you know Brad so well?

Two.

Two.

If you don't pick two, everyone's going to die.

All right. The audience has made his choice, and Brad is going to tell us who you picked. Who did you pick, Brad?

Well, I picked Victoria, Vicky.

Why is Brad so very animated?

He really is. He's making moves. I wonder what he's doing. Yeah, that fruit basket didn't get used. I imagine he was just cutting rails before he came out.

We're going to just continue all this fun because we're out of time. We're going to find out about it.

Let's fast forward through the- Our show for today.

We'll be back tomorrow with Brad. I know. More singles. We're going to try to make a love connection right here. I'm Chuck Woller. We're hoping all your dates are good ones tonight. See you tomorrow. Bye-bye, everybody. He got his tagline.

Yeah, that's his tagline. Hoping all your dates are good tonight. How many dates am I going on tonight? All of them? All of them. When I was single, I was like, Oh, I hope all your dates are good this decade.

Yesterday, he told us which of these three women he chose as his date. Today, you'll hear what happened on that date.

Okay, you stopped up again. Yeah, somebody in the production office got a hold of him and said, Hey, dude, you can't wear Nike's pinstripe pants, yellow shirt, and a gray blazer. It's just not a great combination. So today, let's put you in black shoes, black Great. Socks?

They look like old Birkenstocks.

Yeah, they do. That's okay. Yeah. Old Birkenstocks are those shoes you get when you work at a restaurant and you know you're going to need three pairs a year, so you spend $10 on them at Walmart. Been there, done that. Yeah, good.

Doesn't a woman deserve to start out in a 50/50 relationship?

Not in my ballpark. It starts I'll shout 75, 25.

And if they are- 75, your favorite, 25.

Of course, always in my favor. And they have to earn the other 25.

How do they do that?

Well, they have to earn points by understanding the guy I am. And I give them a few brownie points and a few percentage points. But if they don't, I get rid of them.

Now- I'm the guy that likes to bury people under my porch. You got to understand the guy I am. Since you're only 25% human right now, I'm going to work up.

I know. Nothing like starting with 75, 25 in my favor.

Listen, broadly. Shut up.

I thought I'd work myself up to 50, 50 with you.

No, listen, you're strictly a word processor until you get to 50, 50. Just process by words. What a douche chrizzle.

If they understand that, they do a couple of other things special on the side. I give them the 25, we got 50-50.

What is the special on the side? Tickling your balls? Tickling your taint? What is going on?

Something like that. Ney stuff.

This guy is way too animated. I'd love to see where he is today. He must have a TikTok channel. He can't help himself.

I don't know, Brad.

Let's bring everybody. I don't know, Brad. You're an asshole. Exactly.

He wants to say that.

Listen, it's simple math. Here's how you do it. Women have uteruses. Men have penises. Uteruses are inside, penises are outside. If you just do the measurements, it's pure. It's mathematical. You equal 75% less than I do. That's how it works.

Got the date on what happened yesterday. Now, we showed the audience Brad's three choices, and they voted on which one they thought would be best for him. We're going to take a look at all three of them again today and catch you up. First, there's Donna. She enjoys photography and working with stained glass. Donna. That was Donna. Vicky, her hobbies include playing baseball, basketball, and football.

If she likes this guy, swear to God, we're doing a welfare check. Yeah, exactly. Welfare check on Vicky.

And Gail, when she wants to impress a man, she'll bake him cookies.

Why do I wish it was Gail?

I think I do, too.

Honestly, listening back to this, it's hard to believe that Brad is an actual human being. He's like a bad AI creature from the lagoon. But no, Brad is an actual human being who went on to act in multiple straight to video movies, but he did act in movies. It was his brother that ended up being quite the character actor in Hollywood. And so you got feel a little bit bad for Brad. No, no, no, never mind. Forget I ever said that. All right, let's listen to Rachel tell you what you can do to help us out, and then we'll finish up this episode.

I'll be back at the end.

Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break. Text or call us, 212-4333-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website, tcbpodcast. Com for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. And finally, share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian? That really wasn't that difficult, now, was it? You're welcome.

Now, the audience vote was recorded yesterday, and we'll get to that a little bit later on, but right now, Brad is going to tell us who he chose. Vicky. He chose Vicky. There she is. Vicky Bax She's the same as Vicky Lamble. Hi, Vicky.

Hi, Sam. Hi, Vicky.

Hi, Brad. How are you? Even women had mullets back then.

Yeah, everybody had a mullet. A box top or a mullet. One of the two. You're welcome. She said you look cute. Oh, she likes him? Maybe. Welfare check on Vicky.

Take yourself at home back there, okay? All right. All right, Brad. Your moment.

Well, it all started by 5: 30 PM. That's how I start. Start them early. Start them early, yeah. Get to her house. Her mom answers her door. We're talking about one sweet woman, a nice lady. We sat down and talked. We talk about what she cooked for her husband, where they're going to go this weekend. Just a lovely lady. Her husband- Did you touch her teeth? That's all we care about. At home, I would have talked to him, too. After that, Vicky came out. She was looking very nice.

What did you think of Brad when you saw him, Vicky?

Well, he was dressed all right. He was dressed nice. He wasn't gorgeous, but he wasn't-Wow.

Brad's been-all his face. I know. He's been rehearsing this story for months since they went on the date. He's been trying to figure out how he spins it so he gets a second date, and she comes right out with a ball crusher. Well, he's not exactly attractive. He's beginning to hyperventilate, I guess. Like I said, I am an ugly guy.

I didn't say that, Brad.

Well, her body wasn't looking too good either.

Brad, Brad, Brad. Booyah. Got it. Still 25%. I'll show this lady. Who does she think she's dealing with? I'm Brad Van Brandenburger.

Yours wasn't looking the best either. What? I said, he told me over the phone that he was about 180. I don't think so, Brad. Maybe you're pushing 180.

Okay, I was 89, and you're sure 150.

A zinger.

I got a boom, boom, bong, bing, bing.

What does she think she's fucking with? I'm Brad Van Brandenberger. I'm a virgin. I party at the temple, but I'm too crazy for even the temple. But I still go on Friday nights. I still take my grandma's advice.

What happened next, Brad?

Well, as we got, I gave her the roses. Now I'm an ugly, but I'm a nice guy. I gave her the roses. Is that nice?

Brought some roses with you. Did things pick up here a little bit, Vicky?

No, not really.

Go, Vicky. Go. I was worried about you at first. Now I know you're going to handle your own.

Three favorite phrases of the night. First of all, he called me babe all night, which I don't know. It's just I need to know someone a little longer before they call me babe, which I found a little bit offensive.

Second of all-Wow. Look at Vicky. That had her time.

What he kept doing was he said, The night's still in diapers. I haven't heard that phrase for a long time. In fact, at first, I didn't even know what it meant, and I had to think about the night's still in diapers, meaning the night's young. I think I got it. Third of all, all he kept saying was, Out of control. We're going to have an out of control time. The night's still in diaper.

I had a control time. I'm taking you to Long John Silver's, and then we're going to go to my temple for somebody. Hey. Oh.

I'm great.

Chuck, I tried. Was it out of control? For me, it was. It was for sure.

After that, we got to- She was. It was. I can't wait to hear about this.

Yeah, I can't wait to go home.

The bus station.

Went to the bus station? Yeah. Bus station? What did you do at the bus station?

We went through the doors to say- The bus station?

What the fuck is this guy doing?

That is a complete new one. I have never heard that.

Yeah, never been to the bus station on the date. No. Yep. I'm running away from the law. I stay out of the bus stations.

I'm running a vending machine on the left hand side and had ice I took her to ice cream sandwiches. It was a lot of fun.

He took her to- What?

He took her to ice cream sandwiches from the vending machine? Wow. I didn't even know they sold ice cream sandwiches in vending machines. I didn't either.

It sounds like he was very familiar with it.

Yeah, it sounds like he knew exactly where to find the ice cream sandwiches. Fine. You'll find me at the bus station with ice cream sandwiches.

What happened next?

You're not going to ask why you went to the bus station? Yeah.

Come on, Chuck.

It was always Obviously for the ice cream sandwich.

Yeah, ice cream sandwiches. But can't you find ice cream sandwichs somewhere else? Just the kick the night off. Yeah. Just get a start in the way. Hey, would you like a little Appeteef? A little Appetizer? A little starter? What do you say we go down to the bus station It's this place called the Bus Station.

Oh, is that a new restaurant in town? I've never heard that. No, it's the bus station.

No, no. But it's the best place to get ice cream, sandwiches, and heroin. So let me know.

The good stuff. A temple on Wilshire Boulevard.

A temple on Wilshire Boulevard.

What are you doing there? Yeah, we went in and started dancing, drinking, and having a good time.

You took her to the temple? Brad. At first I was curious.

First the Bus Station, now the temple? Yeah.

I was wondering why you were a virgin, but now it's clear. Yeah, it is clear. You've never been outside your house with a female.

In the temple?

Yeah, it was a party. It was a wedding party.

It was a wedding party? Whose wedding party is it? Brad. Brad. Brad. Hey, Brancy. We're going to hit up this party, and then can you picture him pulling up the temple?

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Mrs..

And Mr. Schmidt. Hey, it's Brad. And Brad.

He's back.

I told you not to invite Brad.

A lady came up to me about a half hour later and says, Do you know anybody here? I go, Isn't this Ron Applebaum's bar mitzvah party? No, this is the Weiss wedding. We crashed a wedding party.

Check me, I said something.

Do you know anybody here? Do you know anybody here? Because you're a real asshole and we'd like you to leave. I just want to make sure I'm not offending the groom, even though he's the one who asked me to tell you to leave. Wow. This is the cheapest- Man. Yeah. Either he's cheap or so sheltered that the only place he goes is to grandma's and the temple.

And the bus station.

See, he must have been with another girl because that never happened. We never crashed a wedding. He must have been another day. I think he did, Ricky. No, I'm sorry, Brad.

They just couldn't mix your drinks there. Wait, now he's lying? Now he's lying? He's making it up? Wait, why would she lie? Is she just embarrassed about crashing a wedding? I don't think that she's lying. Or did they go to the temple, no one was there, and now Brad's making up a story that there was going to be a wedding, but I got kicked out before it happened.

That's why she didn't like it.

You must have been with another girl or something because we never went to a wedding. Wait a minute.

This is a huge discrepancy here.

Yeah, go Chuck. Get after it.

This is a major thing. You're doing the... Really?

Yes, I'm not lying.

You didn't go?

No, we never went. You made this up?

We passed by, and he said it with... He said, It would have been nice if we went.

Whatever you say, Vicky, we believe you. She's lying through a teeth, Chuck. End of story. Next place. Why did you lie about- Whoa, Fred.

Damn. Wow. I think we found the world's biggest asshole and I really hope he has a TikTok channel. Now, to give him a little bit, a little bit of credit, she could be lying. But you're also the guy who just said in the same sentence, I'm a virgin, and women only count for 25% until they do... Then they give me a hand job.

I'm not lying. Okay. We're off to- I don't know why. We're off to a couple, some singing, relax, have a few cocktails, and we're sitting around. Good music. We left. Time to go to dinner. Where? Hotel on Wilshire. Definitely Hillcrest. Yes. Okay. She might win, right. When we asked her- If may I intervene again, there was no music. Here we go again.

This is bizarre. Wow, this is really strange. I had no idea when I downloaded this video that this would get so strange. I'm literally fascinated by what happened. I'd like to do a full investigative report here on the commercial break about this date. Exactly. The notebook? Hold on one second. No, I'm I'm going to write a note to Tina right now because we are going to find- What happened with Brian? Yeah. Tina, need to do investigation on Love Connection video. Love Connection date. Oh, my God. I almost never pick up my phone and write things during the middle of this show unless it's a note, because I am really fascinated, and I would love to see if I could get a hold of this woman and see if she would tell the actual story about what happened with her and Brad. Wouldn't that be- I would love it. Be the best thing that ever happened to the commercial break? Which is not a high bar to set, but I'm just sharing.

Follow the plan of the evening. Okay, whatever she said. Listen, we're listening.

That might have been his plan that there was going to be music, but unfortunately, they were not playing at the time that we were dating.

How did this date end?

Well, Chuck's like, I got to get out of here. You got to also...

A poor vision.

In 2023, this would have been the best thing to ever happen to this episode of The Love Connection. But in 1983, 30 years, 40 years ago, this was not the way that television conducted itself. They weren't going to get into a bunch of controversy. They just wanted to move on in 15 minutes.

Well, we went for a couple.

Wait, what happened? Hold on one second. Chuck got hided in. Oh, okay.

On the cheek. And she kissed the air. Over here. I was kissing over here. I have it. What the hell? I have a nice guy. She's going to give me a pep on the cheek so I could tell my friends I got a kiss, but she went on. She got a kiss. I'm a nice guy. I wanted a kiss.

I spent a hundred bucks on her. Chuck is over this guy. He's like, Get this guy off my stage. Yes, he is. I just had to go on with this all night.

I think you should bring her out so I can give her a big hug.

Let's take a look and see the audience.

I think you should keep you two separated so no one gets hurt. I think so, too.

Please, please. Who did they pick Chuck? Vicky.

No. 47% of them picked Vicky.

Oh. Yeah, they should have picked the last one. That would have been fascinating. She was close. The girl who punched somebody. Yeah, she was close. No. No.

Is it safe to assume that you'd probably We'd like to go out with Vicky again if we pay for it?

Chuck, I'd rather stay a virgin for the rest of my life.

Well, it looks like you're going to. You're well on your way, buddy.

But we do have to investigate where he ended up.

We are going to investigate Right. Yes. I will investigate this.

Brad Bumgard or something?

I'll figure it out. Brandon Berger?

I said Berger, but maybe it was Berg.

Yeah, I think it's Berg. Okay. I'm going to figure it out. I will go down the rabbit hole like I have never gone down a rabbit hole before. Don't forget this one. I'm really good at searching on the internet.

Sorry, things didn't work out for you, Vicky, as far as the love connection. Bye, Vicky. That was a nice gift for you. Bye, Brad.

Good luck on finals. Thanks.

Thank you, Jack.

Excellent. Yeah. Yeah, dad. You're welcome.

He definitely said Ralph Montio.

He does, like a fat Ralph Montio. Yeah.

Thanks for coming on this, Jeff.

Chuck, thank you. It was nice to meet you.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, good luck to you. Thank you. We're going to be back with another couple in just a minute.

Good luck to you in all your lying. That was weird. Wow. That was the strangest. I have to say, hands down, that was the strangest love connection. Definitely.

I've never seen anything like that.

Maybe dating show that we've ever seen where two people who went on the same date do not tell the same story. No. All right, we'll get to the bottom of it. We crashed the wedding. No, we didn't. No, we didn't. We had music and drinks. No, we didn't. There was no music. We went to a nice dinner. We had ice cream sandwiches at the bus station. Jack hole. Oh, my God. Let's hope our boy Brad has lived as long as these parents do, and we can still find them. He's still out there because I desperately want know what happened to this guy. We will follow up on Brad Brandenburger or Brandenburg, whatever his fucking name is. I'll follow up on it. Brad and Vicky. I'm going to investigate. There's got to be some more information about these two human beings. If I can, I will get Vicky on the show because I don't want to hear Brad side of the story. I couldn't handle him. He's just going to take up all our air time trying to just talk, talk, talk.

I want to know where he is.

There's only one talker on this show, and that's me. You want your own show? Brad, go find it. All right. Hey, tcbpodcast. Com, that's where you can get your free 21 EPM sticker, ejaculations per month. It sounds like Brad needs to have a little release there. It does. You'll either get a 21 EPM sticker or our next sticker, it depends if we still have any more of these left. So go quick, hit the Contact Us button, give us your physical address at tcbpodcast. Com, and we'll send you a sticker as soon as we can. Also, the entire catalog is up there, audio and video. Except for the first few, right? Except for the first few episodes, yeah. Well, I say the entire accessible, the entire public catalog is there. Someday we may release the first few, but probably not. It was bad, and you don't want to hear it. I'm wasting your time.

All right, there you have it. One of my personal favorite episodes. It was one of my favorites to actually do sitting here in the room. I found this all to be very funny. And having been a big fan of Breaking Down Love Connection videos for the entirety of our time here on the commercial break, I think this ranks number two, with what the fuck Chuck being number one, of course. Well, I really appreciate you giving me a break so I can take a break, even though I didn't take a break because I had to come here and do this episode of the Commercial Break. You get the picture. The wheel never stops turning. I am simply a hamster, spinning my legs as fast as they will go, nor rain, nor sleet, nor snow, and all that jazz. All right. At the expense of repeating ourselves a million different ways, do us a favor. Please do follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break. I would love to hear from you via text message or voicemail at 212-4333-TCB. That's 212 433 3822. Hit us up with your questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We would love to hear all of that.

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Tell them that's what your husband has been listening to. It's fun for the whole family, I guarantee. All right. Well, there's no Christie here today, but I'll tell you I love you. I'll say best to you, and then collectively, we'll say best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, I will say, I do say, and I must say, I'm going the fuck to bed. Bye.