Transcript of "RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler"

Sean. Yeah. I got to tell you something really important. Okay. We're recording right now.

Yes.

The show is starting.

Yeah. Well, it hasn't started.

This is the show.

Yeah, but it hasn't technically started.

No, but this is... No, of course it started because it's rolling.

I know, but this isn't the show. This is the part before the show. Of course it is. No, this is the show.

No. Sean, stop waiting for your life to start, man. You're in it. This is SmartList.

Smartlist. Smart. Life. Smart. Life.

Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

Oh, this sounds awesome.

Oh, no kidding. Now I know why you didn't tell us. Yeah.

Come on, John Williams. Let me tell you something. Are you still up?

It sounds like a ranger.

It was amazing. Here's this guy, John Williams. Amazing conductor. He's 89 years old. Getting out there. I know. We're kidding. Conducting all of the better... Of course, we're kidding. All of the songs we love. Et, Riders of the Lost Dark, Star Wars, all this new stuff. It was incredible.

I wanted to go to that. Now, did he do a lot of the conducting? No.

He did the second half. Yeah, the first half was David Newman, who was also great. But it was amazing. I know. I'm nerded out.

The Mozart night that you sent me, I'm so bummed I'm not here for.

Yeah, I said, Jay, let's go see Mozart at the Hollywood.

Sean and I are going to have a classical music date.

Under the Stars.

Jason Originally, you said yes, because you thought it was... The thing was cutting out. You thought it was mozzarella, and you were like, yes, I'm in. Then it turned out it was mozzarella. You're like, not as interesting.

He's like, fried mozzarella.

It's a great grandad joke you've done.

Guys, today's guest.

Okay. Get down to business, Sean.

She's an amazing woman. I love her. She's a friend of all of ours, and boy, does she make me laugh. She's been a stand-up comedian basically her whole life.

Less red, Sean. Less red. Try to find the words.

I don't know how to do it without reading.

And boy, do I love her. She is our... God.

I do love her.

She means so much to us.

She's done everything. She's done specials, acting gigs, hosting. She does everything. Here's what I love. She's opinionated, she's fearless, she's hilarious, she's gorgeous, and gay men can't get enough of her. Really? It's my friend and our friend, Chelsea Handler.

Chelsea. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Chelsea.

There she is.

Oh, my white guys in one room.

That's right. We're going to get some more to join us later. Look at you. Where are you, Chelsea? Are you at home?

I am in my office. No, I'm in Las Vegas, actually. I had a show here last night. Because you're on tour. I'm on tour, so yeah.

What's the name of the tour again? The Unvaccinated What?

No, it's called Vaccinated and Horny, Sean. We came up with that together. Is it truly? I appreciate a little respect. Yes.

That's right.

We came up with it together. Vaccinated and ready to rumble.

Is there a subtitle? It Everybody should get a little prick?

No, it's just the tip is the subtitle. But thank you for your... That's nice. I love to spitball with you guys. Let's workshop it. After we already named the tour. So, yes, let's keep doing that.

Chelsea, thanks for joining us. And thank you for bringing up with Jason's punch-ups that he's obviously trying to give you.

I love Jason's punch-ups, always.

They're cheap. So are you staying in Vegas for a while, or is it just one of the stops there?

No, I just had a stop here. I'm I'm just on tour, so it's different cities every day. Just all over the country, all the places you want to go. Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that, Florida, Jacksonville.

Do you like constantly moving and touring? Or do you miss home base and being still?

It's like a shark. She can't stop.

Yeah, no, I'm over. I don't like to sit still for very long. Sean came with me on tour once last year, two years ago. Two years ago, was it? Three years ago? Two years ago?

Yeah, it was so fun.

Yeah, you complained the the entire time. I did. Tell us.

Yeah, let's hear it.

It was such a pain in the ass.

Was he in an opening act or was he choreographing? Or was he going on the tour?

No, I read Chelsea's book, Life Will Be The Death of Me, mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me to go on tour with her and chat about it. But she said, You actually have to read the book. Oh, boy. I read the book and it's amazing.

You had to learn how to read. Then you had to get the book.

But I laughed out loud. You know what I was when I read that book? I was like, enlightened. You taught me things I brought up with you on the tour. I was filled with insight about who you are and why you are, all those things. In the book, you talk about your... One of the things you talk about in that book was your brother passed away when you were nine, and he was older than you. Obviously, I want to ask you this, something like that never leaves you and has a tremendous impact on a child of that age. But for those of us who haven't suffered a loss like that as a child, how did that inform you going further, like through your teenage years and adulthood? Does that still inform you in certain ways?

Well, I think when it happens, you're a nine-year-old person, so you can't even really articulate what's happening or digest it in any real way. It just feels like abandonment or rejection. So you pack it away and then just distract your sofa the next 35 years. And until it fucking comes and taps you on the shoulder, and then you have to address it with a professional. Once your anger stops working for you in that way and you become too angry, which is what happened to me, then you sit down with somebody and you're like, you pay somebody to tell you what the fuck is wrong with you, right? That's a transaction I like therapy. You're paying someone to tell you why you're acting like such a cunt. So it was a process of just understanding that many of my behaviors were a reaction to what happened to me as a little girl and the inability to ever really healthily deal with that and digest it turns you into maybe somebody that you're not or maybe it is your personality, but it makes you assess yourself. It's the gift of self-awareness. You want to reflect and go, oh, wait, is this why I'm so impulsive?

Is this why I don't want to be? This is why I love being single, and I don't have to depend on anybody. All of that stuff. All that stuff, yeah.

I think it's amazing, though, because all that therapy- Sorry.

Did you want to interrupt me again, Sean? For fuck's sake.

So sorry. You know, I lived for it. I It's good for you. Okay, so keep going. Sorry.

But I wanted... Well, we were talking about that because Sean came to Chicago, the Chicago Theater, right? Yeah. We performed at, or you interviewed me at. And the whole time, he was just complaining about the flight out, and he had to bring Scottie, of course, which is obviously an added bonus. Anytime you have to deal with Sean, it's better to have Scottie around because it's like his nanny.

This is true.

We had a great conversation on stage, right?

Yeah, it was That was so fun.

Yeah, we had a great time. Then you just kept asking me how much I was going to reimburse you for the trip. Right.

Yeah. By the way, still waiting.

How much you make and how much you got when you sold your house.

Yeah, he loves to talk about money. I love it.

It's crazy. Money makes the world go around. I like to know how it makes the world go around.

Speaking of money, when you're in Vegas, do you like the tables? Do you like the slots? You got a loose slot that you prefer?

Yeah, I play blackjack a lot. Although Will and I were in Vegas once and we played craps. I had never played craps before. That was fun because Will knew how to play craps. And your other friend, what was your friend's name, Will?

Beast. Mark Foreman. Beast. Yes. Beast. You lent him money. In fact, he worked for me at the time. He still does, works with me, but he had no money. And he was like, No, I don't want to. And you're like, Take something. Chelsea just grabbed, pushed some of her chips over to him. Like, Here, Beast, just take this. He was like, Oh, my God. What the hell?

Now, Chelsea, when we were on tour, too, I'm just fascinated with your family and your upbringing because There's some crossover in your mind, too, about how just screwed up it was. But I remember you telling me that your mom... No, wait. Your dad is Jewish and your mom was Roman, right?

My Mom was Roman and my dad is Jewish. Yeah.

So what religion was forced upon you, if any, growing up? And did you- Well, not fucking Roman, because we all told my mom to take a long walk off of a long pier, and we didn't take that seriously.

Seriously. Once I realized we broke it down. My dad was the dominating person in that marriage, and my mom was German, so she came over after the war. So we weren't about to take anything seriously that she said. You know what I mean? He was Jewish, and she was going to just shut up about being German for a long time until things blew over from World War II.

Did she marry him out of guilt? I think maybe that had something.

They had quite a love affair, my parents. He He met her in a ski store. He was buying ski socks. Sure. And he saw her legs. Just the socks. No way. Yeah, just the socks. He didn't ski either. He just went in there to buy a size twelve pair of socks or something like that. Anyway, they had a love affair. My mother agreed to raise all her children Jewish. So I thought my mom was Jewish until my brother died. And then it was a big thing because in Judaism, Jews all have to be buried in a Jewish cemetery together. So when they had to buy a plot of graves, when my brother died and they wanted to buy one for both of my parents. I remember a rabbi was at our house and he's like, Rita, my mother, isn't Jewish. She can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. I was like, that was the first I had heard of it. I was like, what do you mean mom's not Jewish? What's mom? I was nine, so nobody really took my feelings seriously or into account. They just thought, She doesn't really understand what's going on.

Then when my mom did pass away, she never converted to Judaism. She was Roman. She wore the undergar hermets. She had missionaries at her house all the time. And so when she did pass away, my dad was like, Listen, we're having a Jewish funeral for your mother so that she can be buried next to your brother. And we're like, Dad, this is such bullshit. All of her dormant friends are coming to the funeral. They're all at her house. We can't do that. He's like, Don't make eye contact with any of those people, okay? We just have to get through the funeral and get her in the ground. And I was like, My family was so fucked up, we couldn't even get funerals, right?

Oh, my God.

What a crazy world. Imagine, here's somebody, she's your mom, she's your dad's wife. Everybody loves her. Your dad has these feelings. He wants her to be buried next to her son. It's all about love and love of people, and there's fucking religion, whichever one it is, take your pick, sticking his fucking nose in and ruining the experience of people who are just fucking grieving and in love with each other. And that is such fucking bullshit. That is crazy.

Yeah. Well, what's crazy is that he was naked in our kitchen a week later with his cleaning lady. So he obviously took my mom's death very hard.

But his feet were warm all day, right? Did he keep just the socks?

Oh, no. Yeah, he had his socks on. Yeah, he had his socks on. That's where he- He took your mom's It was semi-hard, I heard.

Nice. I heard. The rumor was- Right into his socks.

Now, what about any of the the Mormon stuff make its way into the house, or was it more like if the father is a Roman Then there's a lot of wives around and kids around. Or do you come from a big family? How dare you?

First of all, how dare you?

I'm not sure. I'm rusty on all this stuff.

On Morganism? Yeah.

Well, we actually lived in Salt Lake City for a while. I know it Kind of, but not really. Anyway.

Yeah, it's adjacent to a lot of people, like a lot of us. We know a little bit. I remember I read the Book of Mormon. Because my mom got religious after my brother died. Everybody handles their grief like that. People get sick, they get religious, they get angry. They hide it away. My mom got really back involved with the church because before that, she was just carrying on like a Jewish mother, like at all of our bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs, my brothers and sisters. I'm one of six kids. My mom would be on the Bema at the temple singing the Hebrew prayers. So when I found out she wasn't Jewish, I was like, Wait, what? So it was very confusing. But my mom converted my one sister Shoshana. She became Roman, too. She's now finally recovering from that But I remember reading the Book of Norman when I was 11.

How does the Norman Church even allow Shoshana in there? Shoshana, it should be... You can't get through the door.

They'll take anyone. Exactly. There's no prerequisite.

Charles, were your parents... It's a boring question, but I'm interested. Were your parents supportive in you going in comedy or the entertainment business at all? Were they like, What are you doing? I don't understand why you're going there.

No, my parents, when I left, you don't understand the... I I was a hell on wheels when I grew up. I was just whatever anybody told me to do, I did the opposite and told them to fuck off. Teachers, any authority figures, both of my parents. So by the time I moved to LA, I think I was 19 years old when I came out to LA, and they were just like, this is the right thing. You should go. Everyone was so over me and my family that they were happy I was leaving. And I was telling this story the other day. My brother, I was driving cross country. My dad was a used car dealer. So he gave me this It was like an Audi quattro, this used Audi quattro, which I knew was going to break down as soon as I got a cross country, if I even made it. My brother, being as protective, overprotective, said, Why don't you... I met this bartender last night in a bar, and he wants to go across country, too. Why don't you drive with him across country so you're not alone? Oh, my God. I was like, Mmm.

He goes, It's safer that way, Chelsea. I was like, Yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement. I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar. But of course, I was like, Sure. So I pick up the guy. I don't remember what his name was. His name was Andy Dick.

Andy Dick.

Yeah, it was Andy Dick, actually. It was David Spade and Andy Dick.

He was two guys. The guy was two guys.

It was twins. I was like, Are you guys? Oh, my God. He said one guy, and they just started multiplying. The guy says to me, he goes, Hey, do you want to go get some Coke in the city for the trip. And I was 19, and this was before I had discovered- Wait, was it Bateman?

Was it Bateman that you picked up?

It wasn't. I do like Bateman's cocaine stories, but it wasn't him.

Guys, let her do the big reveal. All right? You're jumping ahead.

And the guy goes, Let's get some Coke. And I was like, All right. So we drive into New York City. He picks up his Coke. We're in the car. I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point in my life. And we get in the car and we We're driving. It's like a five-hour drive. We left from New Jersey, and I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland because we were heading down south to go down that whatever route it is. And we get to a hotel room, we get two beds, and we check in, and he starts doing the coke. I was like, Really? The first night? I was like, How's this going to work? And then he got maps out. Sure. This was before our cell phones. He got maps out and he was laying them all across the room while he was snorting coke and trying to figure out different routes that we could take. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. This is not- Sounds like a great night.

He should have laid down the coke in the route.

And it was so annoying. And he wouldn't shut up. He just kept talking and talking. I go, dude, you got to stop talking. I have to sleep. I'm driving. Clearly, you're never going to be able to drive again because there's a hound of cocaine in our room. And then I was like, What if he dies on my watch?

So I go to sleep- No, he's going to try to kiss you first. Did he try to kiss you then?

Yeah, of course. I go to sleep. I woke up. He was inside of me. I go to sleep.

Bet it wasn't hard, though.

I wake up and he's still up from the night before with the maps, and he's like, I think we could go this way. I think we could go this way. I was like, There's no way this is happening. I take my suitcase. I go, Hey, I want to go put our stuff in the car. I take both of our suitcases. I leave his right outside our room. I take mine. I put it in the trunk, and I just pulled out of that Maryland hotel that we were in. Left him there. And drove the rest of the way across country by myself and left him about five hours out. Yes.

Have you heard from him again?

My brother was like, once I got to California, I was like, thanks a lot for that idiot. And he goes, I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like, Yeah, I did. And he said, Yeah, he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was $2,000.

By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best still.

What a fucking-Yeah, that taxi driver.

It was probably... Yeah, that taxi driver was like, Actually, it was $500 until you started talking. So now it's $2,000.

And we will be right back.

And now back to the show.

So when you got out to LA, you're 19 years old.

You're on the fucking freeway. Where do you go?

What's the first stop? What would you want to do?

I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions, and I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence, and I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say. I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable and that I was going to make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty for the attention, to be honest. That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it into something a little bit more sophisticated. Then I lived with my aunt and uncle who lived on Beverly Glen. They had nine children. I became their nanny, and I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan I was listening to Stern, and I just started waiting tables. Then I was like, All right, what the fuck am I going to do out here? How am I going to get discovered? I just assumed somebody would see me and be like, Oh, okay, come with us.

What was first? Did you go to the Comedy Store? Did you go to the Improv? Did you get an agent? What was first?

Well, I went to... I got a DUI when I was 21 years old. Unusual route.

Good start. Unusual route.

Yes, unusual and unexpected, quite frankly. I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time. But anyway, I got my DUI and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next DUI. So they tell you, if you get pulled over the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed. You always have to say, no, deny, deny, deny. I was like, wait, what is this class? You're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again, and it's being paid for by the state. And then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story. I was really, really scared because I didn't like public speaking and I didn't know. I would just hide in the back of the class every week. Don't fucking pick on me. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what my story is. And on the very last class, he was out of people, and I had to get up.

I remember just like, when you're so nervous, your leg is shaking. I just was like, oh, my God. I got up there and I started telling my story, and everyone just started laughing and laughing because I called the cop racist. We were both white. Everything I did, I was in Sybil Brand County Jail for 24 hours because they couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system. And here I am, this white, entitled little Jersey Jewish girl who was like, What? Sybil Brand. I just found the biggest, fattest black woman I could find. And I was like, Let's be friends. And after that, after I spoke and I When I did that, people were like, You should do stand-up. And then I thought, Oh, that's a great idea. I should do stand-up. You on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after. So that's when I started doing stand-up. I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea because if people hadn't said that to me, I don't know that I would have thought about doing stand-up on my own.

But it's interesting that it was in there. It was in there before you got up there. You just needed something to pull it out of you.

Yeah, a little outlet to pull it out of me.

Did you ever think about Are you tracking down that police officer who busted you and thanking him for your career?

No, I haven't thought about that. I was actually going to wait for you to do that, Will. Is that something you feel comfortable doing?

Of course I do.

Of course. Chels, it seems like in the last decade or so, you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious standup and television shows where your humor comes out from everything from observational to friends and family, everything in between. But then a shift happened where you got into more political and world issues that mattered to you and that you still feel passionate about. What was that turning point for you? Was there an event or something that shifted your focus a little bit?

Yeah, it was called the Election, Sean, of 2016.

No, I didn't know if it was before that. It shifted my focus, Sean. I didn't know if it was before that.

No, I mean, that just really got me to a place where I just thought, oh, God, America is going to be over. We're a passe.

And that's when your book... And that's when you wrote your book and Yeah.

So that was like, I went through a really difficult time. It was after, right as my Netflix show was ending, and that's when I got into therapy. And I was just so... It was like, they say, your anger, everything works for you until it doesn't, right? And that was when Everything came to a head for me where I was emotionally just like, oh, I need to get some help here. I'm not doing great anymore. And what was working for me before isn't working for me now. So there was a big shift in that, and I got really political, and people got really annoyed by that. But I felt like I had to. I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't. It's like, if you don't say something, then what does that say about you? And I'm not like that. I wish I could shut up sometimes.

And before that, you weren't just as, I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but in tune to politics, or you weren't as affected by them in that way. Is that fair?

No, I was attuned to politics. It's a-tuned, not in-tuned. And I was affected by it. Maybe you can come I know. I always have to correct you. I love it. But it was going well. We had Barack Obama, and I thought things were changing in my naive little bubble. I'm like, Oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving. So I wasn't as vehement and loud until that.

Got it. Were you satisfied or pacified that what you were doing was affecting some change, or was it just enough to just be able to speak your mind? If anything good comes from it, then great. But until then, at least I'm speaking my mind.

Well, I did a lot of stuff. I went on a tour across country to colleges and campuses to debate Conservatives, to talk about the election, to understand why people did that. I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterm. You do feel like it is fruitful when you can see a tangible event or a concrete evidence, I should say, of your efforts, and not just mine. Obviously, millions of people were doing the same thing as I was. So, yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process. It felt full on. And just like everything in my life, I do everything like 150 %, and then I'm like, okay, I'm done with this. And then we get this President and we're dealing with this shit, and you're just like, oh, my God, it's never ending this cycle. So I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple of weeks because it really does It does tax you and it raises your blood pressure, and you want to be an effective- Welcome to the club.

I'm serious. No, no, no. These guys know. I talk about it all the time. About a year and a half ago, I turned off all the cable news things in my DVR. I can't take it anymore because I was like, well, ultimately, first of all, it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on. It's virtually impossible in the world that we live in. I don't need to be reminded of it 24/7, and I don't need to have it affect me to the point where I feel... God, I hate the word toxic, but toxic, where it feels like it permeates your entire being at all times.

Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a big bummer.

We'll be right back. I mean... Sorry.

Let's change the subject It's not- Okay, here we go.

Ready? Watch this.

Jesus fucking Christ, Sean, you set us on this path of destruction.

I know, Sean. You've ruined it. She's doing a comedy tour for fuck's sake. I know.

It's not much- Let's get back to religion. No, we'll get back to religion. That's just some fun.

Jason, no. Stop with the hot button.

What about murder?

How about gambling?

Let's talk about sick children.

What about puppies? How about animals? You love animals, right? Let's talk about some animals.

My animals do not respect me, you guys. Being alone with my family for the first time during COVID, I was like, Fuck this. My dogs think that I'm... They think my housekeeper is their rescuer, and they treat me like I'm their conservator. It was so demoralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during COVID. And I went to Whistler. I went skiing because I love to ski. And I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in LA in my house. I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me. They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss in our place. Yeah, I know it. Look me in the eye. Are you kidding me that you think you're going to look after us? I took them for a walk. The first day I'm in Whistler, I'm in this little private neighborhood, right? And I'm taking my dogs for a walk, probably for the first time since I got them, let's be honest. Let's be real. Because I had to go to Whistler They're alone. It was COVID. Nobody could get in. I'm walking them, and they're brothers, sister chow chows.

They're from the same litter and they're rescues. I want to put that in there just so Peter doesn't fucking bump me up. I've had problems with them in the past. Sure. I took them for a walk one morning, and this woman... I didn't have them on leashes because my dogs are so lazy, they can't even run. They're just like... And I'm walking around the corner and this woman sees them. She goes, Oh. I'm like, Really? She goes, There's no leashes. You don't have it? Leashes on the dogs. I said, They're not aggressive. Like, Okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not going to do anything. And she's like, It's not for me. It's not for me. I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears.

They're like one feet tall.

They're both wearing handkerchiefs, first of all. Nobody's going to think that. But yeah, my dogs, after I took them home from Whistler, my cleaning lady was like... When I came home, I realized that was abusive to take them me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does. I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to, but those dogs, when they're with her, they thrive. When they're with me, it feels like they're going to cross over.

I'm going to put jelly in mine and just come over and we're going to be a family.

That doesn't work for dogs, honey. I'm sorry. Unless you have maybe a cat. Do you have a cat? Oh, you do have a cat.

I don't have a cat. No, Scotty is a little- You should. All right. Listen, Chels, you know you- Go ahead, Sean.

You got another question? Fucking, yeah. Don't let anybody else chime in here on Chels. Oh, my God. Go ahead.

This is the most I've talked on this podcast since we started.

I know. By the way, I've listened to this podcast, Sean, and this is the most you've spoken.

It is. It's because I get excited when I see you.

Jason's on his OnlyFans page. Look at Jason. Look at him down there.

He wishes he knew what that was. Are you kidding? What is OnlyFans? There you go. What is OnlyFans?

Truly. Is that a thing?

Yeah, it is a thing. You'll find out about it soon enough. Anybody want to take a shot? Now that you've heard it once, you'll hear it again. Un Unbelievable.

Chels, I heard you on your...

By the way, you have a fantastic podcast. I love it. You're so funny. Thank you. And you on it, you said... You were talking about something about funerals.

I can't remember if it- Oh, getting hit on at a funeral Did you say it was okay to get hit on at a funeral?

It's not okay to get hit on.

No, it's not okay. I mean, it's not appropriate. Even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do that.

What about you're crying? You need a shoulder to cry on.

Has that happened to you? Has somebody hit on you at a funeral?

What if it's open casket?

I know, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral making out. No way. At my friend, yes. She told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service. Wait. Oh, my God. Making out like tongue kissing. I'm like, You fucking have to be kidding me. It's so disrespectful.

It was at the wake. It wasn't at the ceremony, right?

No, is that a memorial? But still, whatever. It's still a memorial, and it's still fucking hot as hell or really rude. Interesting. But it depends. Were they good-looking people?

It depends. Yeah, they're both good-looking people. Well, that's pretty fucking great.

I mean, watching good-looking people make out, I don't care where you are.

In front of a casket.

That's going to- Right. And they're celebrities, so they should be able to do whatever they want anyway.

They're celebrities. Let them do what they want. They're just like us, but they're not.

I wonder if anybody got a stiff. Get it? Hey, Chels, let me ask you something else. For the time.

Oh, my God. Sean, we got to pause there for a second.

Hold on a second.

Where's Scotty? Sean, where's Scotty?

I hope those doors behind you burst open and somebody comes with piano wire and strangles you right now. Just fucking that's it. Fucking Sean's.

Okay, wait.

You could take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it.

I'll do it myself. No, Chels. I wanted to know. For real, though, because for the time that I've known you, you seem like you're always on the go, go, go, go, go, go, go Now I'm home.

My family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight. So we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacations a lot together. Oh, that's good. A lot of them are in New Jersey, but not my dogs, obviously. My family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends. I have different groups of friends and lots of friends. La has been my home base for a long time, but I don't ever spend a long duration of time in LA. I go in and out. Actually, COVID was the longest amount of time I ever spent in LA. And my sister invaded my house with her three adult children because apparently, parenting never fucking ends. I have designed my life in a way that I didn't ever want to have children living in my house. So she came down for COVID for three months with her three adult children, 24, 21, and 18. And they stayed for three months. And then I put the house on the market and sold it. So that would never happen to me again.

Are you serious?

How did you let that happen?

Well, it was my sister, so obviously Obviously, I can't say no to family. And I thought, oh, this will be fun. I have the room. I have this great fun house. And so they all came down. And then all of a sudden, I was doing dinners every night at 7: 30 with three kids. And every night somebody would cry. And then my nephew, he's 24 years old. He's a sports journalist, and he was getting really frustrated during COVID. He's like, I can't date. I'm like, Date, buddy. People are dying. We're in a global pandemic. So one night, I go- She's like, Do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some chips? Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up. He had an outdoor date in my backyard, and my sister goes, Let me get you out of the house. You're getting really irritated with everybody. I was like, Okay, let's. We went for drinks at a friend's house, probably Mary's, and we came back, and he was at my kitchen counter, my 24-year-old nephew, my first-born nephew. He is acting like Ernest Hemingway, just sitting, just really buzzed and really frustrated, running his hands through his hair like he'd never been through so much.

I was like, Jake, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, No, Chelsea. Of course I didn't. It's not funny.

He's all back up.

I looked at him and I was like, no fucking way am I listening? I'm like, this boy frustrated because he's horny? I couldn't believe it. I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later. She's like, sorry about that. I go, sorry about that? Your job is to listen to your son talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic? I'm horny, too, but I can't fuck anybody because you guys won't get the fuck out of my house. Anyway, they left after that.

I would have come over.

Sean, you've always been an amazing lover. I love having sex with you, Sean. He doesn't. I mean, especially when you can't shut the fuck up while we're having sex. You just drill me with one question after another.

I don't drill you with my penis, just questions.

No, you drill me with questions.

Now, back to the show.

Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning of it, or the end?

I'm in the beginning of it. Announced 30 and I'm announcing 30 more. So I'm going to be on tour for the next year. So it's pretty fun. We kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara Bowl after two years. It was closed, so that was epic. It was the night of the full blue moon. So it was just such a great vibe. It tons of my friends came. I love that. Yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time in big groups. My crowds are safe and they're vaccinated, so I have faith in that. And Yeah, I'm just loving doing stand-up again. I want to get back to- Sorry.

Did you have a chance to work on your material, even though there weren't a lot of places that were open during COVID?

Yeah. I have been getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together. But there's so much material from COVID, trying to have sex during COVID. I had to get my own COVID test at my house. Then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever, and I'd give them a little nasal swab, and it'd take like 20 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that in my kitchen. There's nothing sexy here. In that 20 to 30 minutes, I would interview them about see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say, you're positive. You have to leave my house.

A pinky ring.

If anybody mentioned an aquarium, they're positive.

Yeah. Anybody who said masks don't work, it's like, get out of my house. I can no longer fuck you.

Right. Wow. Hey, Chels, when you go on tour like you are, and do you have a thing after the show's over? Were you like any rituals or anything where you-Meet and greet. Where you come back to the hotel where you are. Do you do something or just straight to bed or how late to stay up.

Yeah, I do a VIP meet and greet for the people that get the best tickets. We do pictures after. But when you're on tour, it's pretty grueling. Being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour, whatever it ends up being, I'm I'm 46 years old, so I got to keep it tight. I don't really go out and party like I used to when I was on the road where it didn't matter. It didn't matter. Now, it's like you want to be sharp, you want to have mental clarity. So no, I don't really get after it in that way. At the end, it's like usually four nights a weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night.

Do you ever go out and see other people stand up? Do you ever?

Yeah, I do. I have been lately.

Like anybody you're a fan of now?

Yeah, a lot of standups. There's Hannah, a lot I have a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah Einbinder is awesome from Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas. Vanessa Gonzales is a great female standup. A lot of women of color are opening for me, obviously, because that's You want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it. For sure. I just use different people all the time, and I just love to bring girls in. I love that. What was the question, Sean? No, that's it.

Yeah, Sean, what was the fucking question?

He wants to know what you do after because we're going to do a real stupid thing. We're going to go on tour. Oh, yeah, I saw that. We're dumbasses. Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his post-show routine is going to be.

He wants to base it off what you do. He wants to know, can we hit the bars? Can he mingle it up with people?

Or maybe just go back to the hotel, get in the schwitz.

Where he's got to do like, No, Scotty, I'm at home. And like, Shut up, you guys. No, no, no.

Well, these two guys are sober, so they're not going to be going out with you.

But we can drive. We can drive them. Yeah, maybe we'll drive you around. You can go get after it.

Actually, Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows. If it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast, yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want.

You'll have plenty of energy.

You don't have to answer of any.

Thank you. By the way, Chels, thank you for managing expectations as we move forward.

What do you think, Chels? I do want to ask you, you You had a bunch of different careers. You're a stand-up, and you're a stand-up... You didn't start as a stand-up, though, is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you became known also as... You had your show, obviously, that was hugely successful, and now you've come back to stand-up, and you had this show on Netflix as well, and you've gotten very political. You haven't had a a orthodox career. Not that anybody really does. My point is, where do you see yourself? What shit do you want to do, I don't know, in the next five years or 10 years, do you think it's going to interest you outside of just touring and shit, do you see yourself doing another show, a late night show?

I did start out as a standup. That's how I got my show. I did. Just to clarify that, I did start out. I did quit for a while when I burned myself out. When I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series, I had a three or four-year contract with them. I did all of that stuff. I did my shows, I did a bunch of documentaries. I just sold my last book, which is Life Will Be The Death of Me to a Network for me to star in. I read that.

It's like a curve- Wait, sorry to interrupt. How many books have you written? I know you've written a bunch.

Six.

Amazing. Wow. Amazing.

That's pretty fucking impressive.

Six number one New York Times best sellers, guys.

Is that true? Six number ones? Yeah. That's incredible. That's really impressive. That's very impressive.

Thanks. I know. Sometimes I can't believe it.

That's awesome. So you're adapting that into a show?

Yeah. So it's like a curb your enthusiasm, like with me in therapy, just constantly fucking up, trying to decunt, but never really being successful. I love that.

Another great title. Think about that as a title. You just put a weird symbol, phone symbol on there instead of the U and you're golden.

I have to wake up 2 hours earlier than everyone, you guys, just to decunt. I'm like, Do not be a bitch today. You are one. Try not to be. Sure.

Maybe spell it with a K and then a U with an umlaut, and then you might be able to get away with it.

You're done. Yeah. Good call, Will. Yeah.

I'll use the Kardashian font so that they'll think it's part of that.

When do you start doing that? Are you writing that now in script form?

Yeah. Liz Tuchillo, who's the writer on it. She and I just sold it, so we're negotiating our deal, and yeah, we're on it. I'm pretty excited. I've never played myself on TV. I've never really done a television show where it was acting So I feel like I'm in that mode right now. Late-night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it. So I don't want to say I'm never going to do that again, but I don't see myself interviewing. I like real people. My podcast Cast, Dear Chelsea, people call in for advice. It was supposed to be a joke, and it turned into something serious because I am that person. I like people to take risks, and I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, Go, do that. Break up with that guy. Leave that job. Stop talking to your mother. But I like talking to real people. I like interpersonal stories, and I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities. Now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything. So that genre for me, or that medium, I should say, for me is no longer very exciting or challenging.

Maybe something will happen to change that.

What about acting? Where does acting sit for you? Playing Somebody Completely Different. Does that have any interest to you, or is that the antithesis of what you're interested in?

If it were fun and it was a challenge, yeah. I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principal of an elementary school that hated children, and I was like, Oh, that's a fun role. I could get off on that. But then I couldn't do it with my tour in COVID. You have to come in and out of Vancouver. But I am always open to things like that. But it's not my jam. I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge. Right.

I love that.

You know who's acting I love, who I texted him about his acting is Jason. When I was watching Ozarks, I was- What? I love the S. First of all, I was on a panel with Laura Linny for a group panel. We're Gwyneth. In New York City, this was three or four years ago, and it was Laura Linny, Drew Barrymore, and a couple of other girls. They were talking about parenting, and we all had microphones in hand. Laura Linny told a story about how difficult she... What a difficult time she had getting pregnant, and that she- I thought you were going to say difficult time working with Jason, but yeah, keep going. Yeah, that too. She mentioned that too. That was why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason is what she said.

Did she say it was difficult explaining what a group panel was to people on the street or no? That was easy.

Yeah, she mentioned that, too. But she talked about giving birth when she goes, I struggled for so long, and then I finally gave birth when I was 50, and I went into the microphone, like, loudly. Laura Linny looked at me and I just went, Congratulations. I'm sorry. That is so disgusting to me. But back to Laura and Jason on screen, I have to say, is one of my favorite shows on television because I just love watching Jason. Ditto here. Love it.

You're a nice lady. Thank you.

He's very good, isn't he? We give him a lot of shit, but we love him. He's so good at what he does.

Very charismatic, Jason.

Always. Very on screen. Very charismatic on screen. Very on screen. Definitely on screen. No, but in person, it's a surprising dud.

It's pretty quiet. Yeah. There's a lot of hate.

Chelsea, thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted. This is the last That's what you wanted to do today, but thanks for stopping by. You're hilarious.

It was cool of you to say yes.

You have such an original voice. Where you think that you're at C-U-N-T, we think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So thank you.

Thank you guys so It's much fun to see you all.

Thank you, Chelsea. Very much. Great to see you. Have a great rest of the tour.

Even you, Sean. Way to go, girl.

Bye, Chels.

Bye.

Hello, friends. Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

So Chelsea's so funny.

She makes me laugh.

I know. She makes me laugh, too. She always does. She always-Feerless. She's super funny. She's super quick.

She wakes me up. She's very consistent, always has lots of energy and ready to go.

Even in casual conversation, you feel like, I got to be on my fucking toes because she will burn me. She'll correct me. She corrected you, Sean. She's corrected me before on stuff. She lives for it.

Hey, man.

I love it. If I wanted to be with my mom, I'd go back to Toronto. Why are you correcting me?

But if you have any It makes me laugh. If you like to sling bullshit, you're in the wrong room with her.

Yeah, I know.

She's quick. I do like that about her. It's pretty refreshing. You don't have to worry about talking about the weather because that's not going to cut it with her.

Yeah, I know.

I I love it. I bet her show is great, too.

Of course it is.

Every incarnation of talk shows.

She's so fucking funny. I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say. Anne says it in a way. She's always surprising. That's the thing it is. For me, it's always surprising what she says. Catches me off guard. Really funny. She says things so succinctly, much unlike what I'm doing right now.

Yeah, nice job.

Who's thinking of the buy right now?

I am right now, but I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with buy.

Now see, I was more interested in just connecting with you guys. I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up.

No, you know why I brought up? Because I could see the look on Sean's face. It looked like he had been bottom eyes.

Well, he was writing. He's been writing for like 30 seconds, trying to figure out things that rhyme with his stuff.

That's what he does. You were talking, he was like,. He's just trying to think about it.

Almost like he's got an overbite.

No, I had both... Here he comes. I had both, eyes, open eyes.

What? I don't think we're going to allow... Are you saying open eyes?

Here's what's funny. Anytime I try to do it, I get shot down.

You always go real high. I don't know why. Why does it look high for you?

I'll go down here.

I don't know what the word you're saying is. Also, because you...

Here comes Will's try. Will's going to try right now.

Here he comes. I'm not trying. What I'm saying is, Sean, sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It just doesn't qualify. It doesn't qualify.

Yeah, it just doesn't feel- We're going to sit here till we get one.

I don't know. How did we back into this, by the way? Should we run the tapes back? When did this all start? Was it on the first episode?

The very first one, yeah.

What did we just do a simple buy? One of those?

We could do it once. Yeah, we could do a simple buy, or we could just agree to do it once a year, or we could even do it biannually.

No, we've used that one.

Why?

Have we used that already? Biannually? That doesn't even count.

We've used every single one. That's why I wonder if we should do rimes or just say bye.

How about we just, listener, we appreciate your time. Yeah, we do. Or we'll, why don't you give them, Well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time. Shut up, Arnett. Why don't you get a fucking new goodbye line for our guests, by the way? Okay, I got notes for you.

What are you talking? When do I say that?

We've taken too much of your time. Shut up. I don't say that. How about it's an hour and we're done? Yeah, we're done. So thank you for your answers.

Who do I say that to? You mean I say that to the guests?

I'm just as bad. I say, Oh, gosh.

No, you always say, Oh, my gosh, what do you got? Have you got something on there? How much did you pay them? Shut the fuck up, babe, man.

All right.

If we're going to get into this- You two chuckles.

Yeah, Sean, we're coming for you next. So quiet down.

You're fucking next, Sean. Fuck both of you.

How's that for low? Not high.

Holy shit. It's almost like he was about to bite our head off.

Oh, my God.

The fuck was that? Smart.

Lies. Smart. Lies. Smartless. Smartless.

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