Transcript of Emergency Jaylen Brown Trade Reaction + Timm Woods And The Return Of Dungeons And Dragons

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Stella Blue Coffee is more than just great coffee, it's coffee with a purpose. Introducing We Brew to Rescue, a nationwide campaign using proceeds from our new ready-to-drink cans to help fund 1,000 pet adoptions this year. Every can you crack open helps a real pet find a real home. Simple as that. Made with 100% Colombian coffee, each 11-ounce can delivers smooth, drinkable energy with a boost of protein. Available in Espresso Cafe Mocha and Espresso Sweet Cream. Built for mornings, long days, and everything in between. Drink Stella Blue, fuel your day, and help save a pet's life. You can follow our progress in real time throughout the campaign by watching the adoption tracker on our site. Grab yours now at stellabluecoffee.com, Amazon, and select retailers nationwide. On today's part of My Take presented by DraftKings, it's Dungeons Dragons time. It is the eve of Fourth of July, our 250th anniversary as a country, and we are on vacation, but We have a great episode because Tim Woods is back in studio. Absolutely. Nick Turanyi is back in studio, and we have quite, quite the Dungeons Dragons with— I'll just say it— one of the best plot twists ever.

Uh, and it's a great, great show, and it's all brought to you— this, this show is brought to you by BetterHelp. We talk about mental health more openly now, but asking for help can still feel hard. And BetterHelp's latest research confirms it. BetterHelp's 2026 State of Stigma report surveyed 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. So with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works, with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. We've talked a lot about it here. I, I see a therapist. PFT has seen a therapist. It's good to talk to someone even if you don't feel like you have something wrong right now. It's good to just talk to someone and, and sit down and, uh, take care of your mental health.

So don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/pmt. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, .com/pmt. Okay, let's go. Welcome to Pardon My Take, presented by DraftKings. The crown is yours. Okay, before we get to Dungeons and Dragons, we have an emergency podcast because Jalen Brown has been traded from the Boston Celtics. Hank's worst nightmare. Actually, no. Hank's nightmare was Jaylen Brown getting traded from the Boston Celtics. Hank's worst nightmare happened when he found out it was to the Philadelphia 76ers, a team, PFT, that none of us had on the radar as a potential— 100 to 1, 100 to 1.

In the DraftKings Sportsbook, they had the least, the worst odds in the NBA to land Jaylen Brown at 100 to 1.

To say it was shocking, and it came in on Wednesday evening. PFT was in Santa Clara, which I want to hear about, you know, at the end of this, to watch US men's national team play, play Bozzi and Herzegovina. I actually texted— side note, right?

What? That's why we're doing this podcast.

I texted PFT right after the trade happened and I said, it is now the most must-win ever because if the US men's national team gives Hank one deflection point, where he can come on here and be like, Bosnia, Bosnia, Bosnia, I'll never forgive our soccer team. So it happens. Max and Hank are at Max's wedding. Max is at his rehearsal dinner. Hank is on an island full of Delentes, literally an island that's just full of Delentes. And Jalen Brown has been traded to Philadelphia Sixers for basically nothing.

PFT.

Well, I was going to say, I don't think it is his worst, worst nightmare because they didn't give up Hugo or Baylor Shireman. So they hung on to both those guys. Some silver lining on that one. And yeah, I was just thinking about this the second that it happened. I was just thinking, oh my God, there's, there's a like a 99% chance that as Max is getting married, he's going to be thinking about Hank. Hank's going to be in, in the crowd just like pissed off looking at him. It's this, the City of Brotherly Love island. So there's like 9— how many D'Alente brothers are there? There's like 3 D'Alente brothers and then a bunch of D'Alente cousins that are probably all just like ravenous Sixers fans. And Hank is just living through hell right now, and I love it.

Yeah, I actually think I almost texted Dave and was like, you might— it might be like a Saving Private Ryan situation where you have to go chopper him off of this island. Like, you have to bring him back because he can't, he can't handle this many bing bongs. And I told, I actually, Hank, I have, because, because I'm such a dear friend of yours, I have a spin zone list for you later. But I did say to you right away, the not having to like have a small talk with everyone, like have to do a different topic of small talk with all these people that Max is in, Max's life is actually kind of a bonus for you. You can just talk Jaylen Brown with literally every single person at this wedding.

I'm good. That's wrong. That's not a spin zone.

No, that is. No, that's exactly what a spin zone is.

You're over one on spin zones.

That's exactly what a spin zone is.

Over one on spin zones.

All right, so where do you want to start, Max? Is today your wedding day? What did you say?

No, no, the wedding day is tomorrow.

Max already got— he already got married.

Yeah, yeah.

What'd you say, Hank?

He said—

you said, where do we want to start? Hank just says, I want to finish.

Hey, let's start with you. You said to us on Sunday, you're like, guess what, Jaylen Brown's not going to get traded because he—

he—

in my head, he has gone back to Brad Stevens, said, hey, let's be adults, you try to trade me, it's all good. It's not going to happen. And I think if he had been traded for Giannis, that would have been awesome for you. Instead, he got traded for Paul George.

Yeah, something's coming. There's something going on here. I said it to Max on the boat yesterday. I was like, Jalen Brown's getting traded. I could just feel it. I could feel it coming. The fact that he went to the Sixers, like, I I cannot wrap my head around it. It's so, it's so insane. So frustrating. I feel like the Paul George thing is there's that, like, they might be doing another trade. There's another move coming, but regardless, regardless of what this ends up doing for the Celtics with the picks, if they make another trade, you cannot trade Jaylen Brown to your in-division rival. Like, that cannot happen.

Yeah. That was a, that was a big moment for you to say the R word about the Sixers and Celtics.

Yeah.

Hard R. He hard argued.

That was— you've never looked at the Sixers as a rival.

They beat us in the playoffs. That's true. Tides have turned.

That's very true.

Hank, why are you on mute, PFT? Why are you so quiet?

Can you not hear me?

No, you sound like this, baby. PFT didn't have a red eye last night.

I literally just— I've been awake for about 26 hours. I'm probably going to throw up at some point during this podcast. Hey, why did you do this now?

Like, why?

Why not last year if you're going to trade him?

Or like in a week when we're not on vacation?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know why. Why they didn't do that. I don't know why they took the offer that they did. I think there's reports that like it was personal. I don't, I don't really know. They do not value Jaylen Brown the way that I do or the way other fans do. Like, I don't— they, they seem to think that Paul George can get you similar, which is like stats, analytics. I don't agree with— I've talked a lot of shit about Paul George. I don't think he's good. I think he's old and he's a fucking dinosaur. Like, but analytics people are saying that you can get similar production from Paul George. He only has another year left on his contract and then you can, you know, use that and get more like assets next year, which you would not be able to do with Jalen Brown. I don't believe that. I'm not like— I'm not going to spin this like positively, like, oh, this is a good trade because of and then just use analytics. But that's what analytics people are doing.

Hey, okay, so here's something that happened, Hank. We found, I think we found the GM who sees Jaylen Brown as the 7th best player on a team. It was Brad Stevens.

Good one.

That was a good one. Hank's right. Hank, I have a question.

Okay.

PFT.

He said Hank, not Big Cat, but you can't, you can't help yourself.

I'm having a great time.

Hank, did you see the fun stats though? They're like, this might be a spin zone for you. Jalen Brown has the second worst plus minus of any 5-time All-Star over the past 10 years. So he's got actually a negative plus minus average. And also the Celtics win more games without Jalen Brown. Than when he's playing.

What?

Yeah, the Celtics have won without— so, uh, last year with, uh, with Jaylen Brown, they won 66% of their games. Without him, they won 80%. Year before that, with Jaylen Brown, they won 73% of their games. Without him, they won 79.

What's this? What's the sample size on these?

Uh, well, forget this year, it was 8-2 without Jaylen Brown.

Okay.

Yeah.

Last year was 15-4.

Okay.

Okay.

That's decent. Okay.

All right. I'll put it this way. There are his entire career, uh, with Jaylen Brown, there are 263 and 131. That's 67%. Without Brown, there's 60 and 26, 70%.

So you might be better without him.

Yeah.

Big Cat, is it true that you left the bar last night because you were scared to talk to Max's brothers?

I waited for Max to show up. He showed up, and then I waited for his brothers to show up for like an hour. We were watching the—

we were—

I was trying to watch the soccer game, as crazy as that sounds.

Hell yes.

Bar that we were in was completely packed. The group we were with, no one was watching the game. I waited for like an hour for Double D to come down. They were nowhere to be found. And I went and watched the second half in bed. It was also— we were doing this podcast at 8 a.m. I've been drinking for 13 straight hours.

So, okay.

But I waited.

I wanted to— I wanted to not even come out, but I waited. I waited for them to get back from the rehearsal dinner. Max came back and then his brother's no-showed. So that's not on me.

Okay. Max, can we talk about that? I don't know.

What do you mean? That was a tweet. That was a tweet. That was a tweet.

From who?

There were, there were, it was a reporting of tweets that weren't coming from me.

Where's Memes?

I don't know where Memes is. That's a good question.

Cause he was the one that was tweeting it. He tweeted more times yesterday than he did for the fucking Knicks parade and final game 6 combined.

Okay. All right, Max.

Where is he? I don't know.

What do you want me to say?

Text him.

Max, can we talk about your side of this? You found out in your— during your rehearsal dinner. Let's start with this. Does your fiancée— did your fiancée see the video where you said, uh, quote, I'd rather be with Hank in the hotel right now than with her at the— at the, uh, with her?

With her is an incorrect statement. I did not say with her. I did say I wish I was with Hank right now in the hotel.

Yeah, yeah. Hotel.

But it was a great moment. It was a great moment. It was a great moment that I would have loved to have shared with my friend Henry.

As bad as I felt, and it was bad when they came back from the rehearsal dinner, his wife's dad came up to me. He's like, yeah, I'm a huge Celtics fan. This is really bad. I was like, you were living my nightmare. Like, you just had— he just had to sit in the whole rehearsal dinner. With the three of them, which I would imagine just like laughing and like being like, haha.

There was a lot of laughing in that. I will also say I was the one that got to break the news. I think it was the greatest news breaking I've ever had in my life. Like I looked at, I had Sham's notifications on and I like just Sham's like the only Twitter account that I had notifications on for yesterday. And I got the alert on my phone. It's like, I was like, my brain was like, oh, Jalen Brown traded. Wow, that's crazy. And then I saw Sixers and I still thought it was a fake tweet, even though it was a Twitter notification. I was like, this can't be real. Someone had to have hacked his account. So I was just like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And I was telling the table, I was like, wait, let me confirm this. Let me confirm this. And then for me to actually break the news, I was like, Jalen Brown traded. To the Sixers. The pop that I got from that table, it's incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Better than your wedding.

I haven't had the wedding yet. The wedding— the wedding is going to be better. I love my wife.

It's gonna be tough to talk.

It was a hell of a moment. And then it was just me, my brothers, and my dad going through like every tweet being like, there has to be a catch, there has to be a catch. What's going on here? This can't, this can't be it. This can't be the full deal. It is Paul George and 2 first round picks.

Well, the swap was too good of a deal.

It's crazy. The swap could be the Clippers pick. Is that, I don't understand.

The swap is the most confusing thing I've, I tried to read it like 5 times this morning. I think it probably will be the Clippers pick.

Okay.

That's a very, that's a very good asset. We've been, we've been holding onto that asset for the right moment. But to pair that asset with Paul George, who many have said is the worst contract in the NBA, and bring back Jaylen Brown seems not windy. Not windy. He did say there was another contract that was worse.

Yeah.

I can't remember what that contract is.

I think of one.

Your, your boy Windy didn't help you this, this time, Hank, because he said that, he said that for Paul— for the Sixers to get off of Paul George's contract, they would have had to trade a first-round pick. So essentially, they just got J— the Sixers just got Jaylen Brown for free. Like, they would have had to do that just to get rid of Paul George's contract. They somehow got Jaylen Brown on top of it.

Shout out Mike Gansy.

He's doing a hell of a job to start his tenure in Philadelphia.

Hank, have you— have you allowed yourself to think, like, Maybe Brad Stevens has a secret plan.

Yeah, no, that's, that's all I've been saying to myself. I don't know what that plan is. I don't know.

How wild have you allowed yourself to like daydream about what the secret plan might be? Like, have you thought maybe Jokic?

There's, I just hope there's another move coming. Jokic would be awesome. I don't think that's possible, but I didn't think Jaylen Brown getting traded to the Sixers was possible.

So I don't think it's happening this year. Yeah, I think this is— I think the Celtics are basically saying this year we're resetting and then next year maybe Jokic could definitely be in the realm of possibility. Hank, how many times did you read the tweet to be like, how is this real? Because that was the same. Everyone was like, what the fuck? How is this?

I think I said that right away in the video. I was like, this is not real. Like, I was hammered and I was like, this is just not— everything was happening all at once and it was like, this is not real.

I'm not—

on this fucking island and like Jalen Brown is not going to be playing for this. Like the picture of him in the Sixers jersey like is so preposterous. I like can't even believe it. And it's like, I'm not even, I'm so much more mad about Jalen Brown. Like the Paul George thing is like, that's going to bother me when they're playing next year.

Yeah, that hasn't even hit me yet.

That hasn't really like set in as much as it's just like, how is he on the Sixers? Like the Paul George thing will come when the season starts.

You have delayed onset Paul George. Like, you haven't even registered Paul George, and then night one of the NBA season, Paul George is gonna be wearing the Celtics jersey, and you're gonna be like, oh, fuck, this happened.

Why don't these teams tweet any of these trades?

It might not be real.

Are you still thinking that it's not gonna happen?

I don't know.

You never know.

That's where you're at right now? Because the Celtics team account hasn't tweeted it, It could just be fake.

I just don't get— I don't get— the Sixers haven't tweeted either. I don't understand it.

This all might be just a figment of Sham's imagination.

Oh, like what? Yeah, I don't know.

How many? No, no, I don't think so. I think they do it when it's officially done. Like, they still have to— like, I don't think it's officially been done. You still have a chance.

How do you think they broke the news to Deuce?

Oh man, Hank, I was real upset about that yesterday. Probably Jason Tatum, like, he— it's not like I, I think they're— the long years of Jason Tatum versus Jaylen Brown were probably overstated. They won a championship together, but I mean, if Jason— it is his franchise. If he wanted him, he could have kept him.

Right?

Yeah.

Wouldn't you agree, Hank?

It's the salary. Like, it's—

right, right.

I'm saying, like, it was like a personal thing.

It was just like—

but it's also crazy that, like, they could have gotten— they could have made a move for Giannis. They, they missed out on Giannis. Well, but you wouldn't give up Hugo.

Hugo is a big piece.

You just, like, held on to that and, like, run with it to the fucking hills. And it's, like, really, like, not hasn't been like a solid fact that it was like Hugo Gonzalez was the one reason that trade didn't happen.

Is Hugo—

Shams talked about that. He reported it and discussed it pretty, pretty extensively.

If they put in Hugo, he would have come to Boston?

No, he said that the trade got held up for two reasons. One, because the Celtics didn't want to part with their young pieces that they looked at very favorably, like Shireman and Hugo. And then two, because Haslam is demanding trades because of what happened to Myles Garrett. So he's like, uh, maybe I don't want, maybe I don't want Jaylen Brown after all.

So right. So what do you think? It was more Jaylen Brown or more fucking Hugo Gonzalez?

Well, I mean, they reported that the Celtics did not want to part with Hugo and Baylor.

They also reported the Haslam thing, which was probably more prevalent to the trade.

But in what PFT is saying though, what if Haslam's like, I don't want two stars in Hugo and Jalen Brown because then they could both ask out, right?

Right, right. Just do one, right?

Right, right. Zach, you're here. Emergency pod. You were here on time. What's up, dude?

Where's memes?

How are you this morning, boys?

How, how, Zach, did you sleep last night?

Where is me?

I did.

But Zach, when you saw it, were you shocked?

Or you—

you—

I feel like you were the one of the first people to respond. You were like ready to go if the emergency pod button was being hit.

I was watching it pretty heavily yesterday. Yeah, I wasn't sure. I feel like it could have happened anytime. I feel bad.

Crazy trade.

Nobody deserves to get fleeced on an island, so that's tough, you know.

So you're saying fleecing?

I mean, yeah. Confirmed.

And I don't, I don't have—

I'm not an educated guy when it comes to contracts or players.

Yep, I agree.

That's why I got ahead of it. But yeah, Paul George, that's tough.

Hank, you're being mean. Hank, you're being mean.

No, Hank is—

Hank's putting on a master class right now.

You need to get the mic in front of him though more because he keeps saying shit and I can't hear it.

Hey, I got a question. Are we sure that Jalen Brown's going to be a good fit for the Sixers?

I'm not a Sixers guy, so I don't know.

What about how do you think Paul George is going to fit with Hugo?

I think he'll be good. I think he's a vet. He's, you know, he can stay healthy. He can, he can contribute. He played well against the Celtics in the playoffs. People forget that.

Yeah.

Yeah, he actually was awesome in that series.

So if he can, you know, if he can stay healthy, he can have similar production to Jaylen Brown.

How was it meeting all of—

I want to talk about Mitchell Robinson. Did you—

wait, what are you saying?

How was, how was meeting Max's friends and everyone on this island yesterday?

I, I met him briefly. They were fine. Like, it was, it was— they were all, they were all pretty good.

He left, but he was my high school friends were out to dinner late last night, so he has not gotten the full dose.

Today's the big time.

I do have a Boston friend that's coming in today, like a die-hard Boston guy coming in today. So he's going to have one reinforcement.

You guys are going to be like Boondock Saints going back to back, just spinning at the wedding party. Yeah. Okay. Hey, do you want my spin zones?

No.

Why?

Let's talk about soccer because they're going to be stupid and I'm not going to like them.

This is mean. All right, BFD, I'll tell you. All right, so the first one is pretty simple. That, like I said to Hank, when you go to a wedding and you are— Hank is going to a wedding. We all love Max. That is, he knows not a ton of Max's, like, family and friends. He knows his brothers from the Max's bachelor party and stuff. Hank is a famous guy, let's just be honest. So he's gonna have to do small talk. It was gonna be a lot of like, hey, how you doing? You know, Hank's great at this, but now small talk completely solved. It's gonna be Paul George, bing bong, Jalen Brown, bing bong. So please, that's good. Please, that's good, Hank. All right, Hank, here's a good spin zone. This is actually only, this is only the second worst trade that Paul George has been involved in. So that's— it's not the worst. Still SGA, right?

Yeah.

So that's something to hang your hat on. Um, Hank, what are we doing right now?

Waiting for memes to join the call.

We're podcasting, right? You just traded— you just got rid of a streamer and got a podcaster. I, yeah, that's, I mean, come on, dude.

Paul George, you, I think you're just as upset about Paul George being on this team than Jaylen Brown being off.

Yeah, I've talked a lot of shit about Paul George. I don't think there's no, there's no doubt.

There's one thing that me and my brothers were talking about at the rehearsal dinner where we found out that Jaylen Brown got traded to the Sixers. We kept talking about how in Game 7, We just kept saying, Jalen, Jalen Brown, really good player. Jalen Brown, really good player. We said it like 50 times during that game. And then last night we just kept looking at each other when there was like a little bit of silence to be like, Jalen Brown, really good player.

Really good player.

It did. We've already established that. We established that at your bachelor party. Jalen Brown, really good player.

Okay.

You don't like the podcaster over streamer thing?

Nope.

Okay.

How about this one?

Streaming is the future, podcast is the past.

Okay, how about this one? This trade is so bad that maybe people will stop asking Brad Stevens to say no. Everyone in basketball will stop being like, we need Brad Stevens to coach or GM our team.

Brad Stevens has got more cooking.

Okay.

He's not done yet.

Okay.

And then you're going to have to take all that back.

Well, no, I mean, I'm just saying this is good. Like, you— it's probably annoying that people keep saying his name every time this comes up, right?

You, you guys—

no, I say he's got to say no, but like other, but you know, different basketball schools and everything, just like, hey, you got to make Brad Stevens say no. I don't think I've ever said that. Um, Paul George's dog— do you remember Paul George's dog? I don't know. I was trying to look. I think his dog's name is Kobe. Uh, I don't know if his dog's still alive, but his dog— the famous picture where his dog was T teabagging Paul George. Um, just his balls out everywhere on that couch. I was thinking, now that kind of a famous dog on the Celtics, we can get him a Hank Dog toy and help sell more of those. Spin Zone. Okay, okay. Okay, all right, all right, uh, all right, last Spin Zone because obviously you don't like this, but maybe Hey, Hank, maybe this is finally rock bottom this year.

How so?

Well, I mean, we've— you get upset when we bring this up, but like, this has not been the best year sports-wise.

Live Super Bowl.

I mean, the Patriots made it to the Super Bowl. The Celtics won the number 2 seed with their best player injured.

They won the number 2 seed.

They, they were the number 2 seed.

Sorry, it's early. That's gonna be it, Shane. You're gonna have to make a quote for that one.

All right, can I list it, Hank, and then you can just tell me maybe this is not rock bottom? Super Bowl loss, live golf canceled, Celtics lose to the Sixers while we're at Max's bachelor party, soccer becomes huge, the US men's team beats your Bosnia-Herzegovinians, Duke buzzer beater loss, having to golf as a lefty with a righty handicap, Nicks title, Jaylen Brown, USA beat Dominican Republic.

Mm.

That's a lot, Hank.

Yeah, it's been bad.

So this could be it. This could be the bottom.

And then what?

Do you go up? Only place to go is up.

I don't know. I'm scared.

You know what happens then?

It could go— it could be worse.

You go up.

Imagine if you traded Hugo.

Oh my God.

No, no. If you trade Hugo, just, you have to, you have to quit the Celtics.

Oh man.

Okay.

Anything else, Sinc? Or were you saying kids?

Hey, is there anything that's making you like, is it a little bit better that Max has like almost reached that point where he's like a little bit uncomfortable with how bad this fleecing is? Like he almost, you can tell he feels bad for you.

I have not felt that at all, really.

Okay.

Hey, have you—

he's just been laughing in my face.

I have. I'm very respectful.

I've been very respectful for the video last night. You were just—

well, that, that was, that was a little bit different.

You're dead.

I was excited to see you, dude. I was excited. There were so many people at the bar for— it's, it's a joy. This is a joyous time.

Uh, hey, if the Celtics— real quick— if the Celtics rebuild and, um, and they get back to like the NBA Finals, let's say in like 2029, let's say they win another, uh, another chip in 2029, that's a different team. Like, the core is completely different without, without Jaylen Brown. I don't know that you could consider the Celtics to ever even be eligible for Team of the 2020s because it's going to be two different iterations of the team.

It's the team of the 2020s, right?

Yeah, but I mean, like, totally different team without, without Jaylen Brown.

But it's the team, not the core.

I don't know, just something that I thought about, um, wanted to get your feedback on. Also, I was wondering if you thought that maybe, like, this could have all been solved, uh, if you get, like, Joe Mazzulla and a bunch of guys out, maybe they go out to, uh, Toscano's table for 6, you get, you know, Brad Stevens, Chisholm. I did think this, uh, clearly one 3-hour dinner, I think you can fix this case.

Yeah, I don't think that's the case. I think, uh, something was going on with Jalen Brown and Brad Stevens that was not going to get fixed, and they knew that.

Hank, have you thought about wearing white to Max's wedding day? Because people are going to want to talk to you more than Max or his bride.

No.

Okay. You should think about that.

Hank does just have a, he just has a body double this entire week. Him and Jack McCarthy got the exact same outfits. They wore the same shirt last night. They have another shirt that's the same and then they have the same suit for the wedding.

We don't know if it's the same suit, but probably is the same suit. Okay. So you could just send him in, but Hank, you should, you, you actually, I think Max, I'm gonna, I'm gonna speak on your behalf, Max. I think Hank should be allowed to go. Table to table during the dinner party and greet everyone because, like, cut out the middleman. Everyone's going to want to talk to him anyway.

Hank's going to be the belle of the ball.

Yeah, he should wear a wedding dress and just go table to table and be like, thank you so much for coming. Would you like to talk about the Jaylen Brown-Paul George trade?

Imagine. Thank God you guys don't come.

Yeah, you would be— it would be bad if BFT and I were there.

You'd have to leave.

You'd have to leave the island. He's thinking about it right now. He's like, I would have had to leave that. Hank would have— it would have been like swimming. It would have been Escape from Alcatraz. You would just swam back to America. I don't even know how— I don't even know where Saint Martin is.

I'm thinking about getting a flight there right now.

I have it. I have an open seat if you would like to come, PFT.

Can I come?

Let's go. I'll sit on his lap.

Of course.

Yeah, we'll both share.

Oh man. All right, anything else, Hank? Where's memes? Uh, Mitchell Robinson. Where is he?

That's a good point by Hank.

Mitchell Robinson, like, yeah, he's calling the greatest basketball player of all time. I want to talk to him about it.

I actually think that's a smart move for, for the Celtics.

Yeah, yeah.

If you shoot a bunch of threes, get a bunch of rebounds. Also, the Lakers are just, they're doing like the plot to Hoosiers. I don't really understand. It's very funny. Walker Kessler for a lot of money. Austin Reeves re-signed. Who else did they get?

It was the scrappiest 20 minutes in the history of NBA free agency. Like 20 minutes, they got 3 of these guys.

And they don't own, I think, like another pick for 7 years now. They just went all in for the— which, I mean, I guess they did. There's the famous, they sat down with Luka and showed him a binder last year, basically being like, hey, I also saw very funny because LeBron has said that he's— the reports have been out there that LeBron is going to go anywhere. Like he's going to be— he's open to being courted by every team. And then the Spurs are officially out because they signed Tobias Harris. So they have their LeBron. They don't need it. So it's good. All right.

Anything else?

And then talk real quick. PFT, Hank, you got anything else? This is bad. Max?

Where's memes?

Where's memes?

I've had a good time. I've had a good time. I don't know how Jaylen Brown's going to fit, but I'm excited to see this journey. I'm excited. I've heard from Hank that he's such a good player and that he's such a good guy that you want to have on your team. I'm excited that he's on my team. That's all I have. That's the last thing I will say.

Did you get yelled at at all yesterday?

Zero. Zero. She was so— my wife was so excited about how excited me and my brothers were.

Oh, that's awesome. That's a great one. That's great. It was so— she saw how sad Hank was.

I don't even know if she— I don't even think Hank saw her last night.

Oh, sorry.

And her dad, you guys don't care about her dad?

Her poor father. Okay, her dad isn't bigger more hell than I was.

Yeah, that's true. All right, I just texted Memes asking where he is. All right, um, PFT, you were at the game last night, it was awesome. Yeah, the biggest eye roll ever.

What's the matter, Hank?

Oh, it's hard.

We should pod tomorrow too.

He just eye-rolled and then collapsed off screen.

Oh my God.

Okay, real quick, like in 3 minutes, tell us.

Uh, yeah, it was an awesome game. Uh, we dominated. Fuck the ref. It's bullshit. FIFA needs to change their rule.

They—

we need to, we need to lobby FIFA.

Agreed.

That, uh, I'm talking about the, the Balogun red card that he got. Yeah, he scored a great goal. Tillman had a great free kick and I've been saying like Tillman's due, he was going to score eventually. That was an awesome free kick that he had. But the red card is really what's kind of overshadowing what should be just like an awesome win. That is the— I think we've won 3 games in 19 days and we've won 3 World Cup games in the previous 24 years.

Yeah, I saw this. That's a pretty good World Cup. It's also there. We've won 3 games by multiple goals. And in the previous rest of the history of U.S. men's national team, I think we won 3 World Cup games by multiple goals.

So it's crazy.

Yeah, yeah, it's been great. But yeah, overshadowing the whole thing is the Balogun red card, which is bullshit. VAR was used when it shouldn't be used, and they had a— they, they looked at a slow-mo replay and they thought that they could like ascribe intent or violent conduct to like something that happened in like a split second. Bullshit red card. And I think it's just a terrible rule that if you get a red card from a game that you're also suspended for the next game. Yeah, you're already serving your punishment by, by sitting out the rest of that game and your team has to go down one player. Why do you have to sit out the next game? And also, I don't think that it should have been a red card and I think that FIFA should overturn it. I think that if you've got a guy that is the reigning FIFA Peace Prize holder, this is why he has that type of award and that type of power. I hope that President Trump gets on the phone with FIFA and tells them, hey, let Balogun play.

We need that. We need the Texas Tech, uh, Sorsby judge. That's the guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, just whatever, whatever we can do, we need to do, because we're, um, we can beat Belgium. We can, but it's gonna be way, way harder without Balogun because he is the, like, probably the best pure striker that we've ever had. I know it's crazy to say that after just like 4 games, but, um, in terms of just like being a pure striker and a finisher. He's the best that we've had. Maybe, you know, you could say Clint Dempsey, but he was never really like a true striker. But we need him. We need him because Pepe looks like Bambi trying to walk on ice for the first time. That's not going to work out. No. So I don't know what else we do, but it was an awesome time. I saw the substation up close. I got to say, that substation is really fucking big. Mm-hmm.

I saw your video.

Yeah, yeah, it's way bigger than I thought it would be. It goes like half the stadium. Um, that's— so now I might be a Substation truther now.

Yeah, I mean, I saw your video. It looks massive. Looked like an incredible game. One of those games is like— I was sitting on my couch just being like, fuck yeah. Um, they tried to screw us. The free kick was incredible.

Yep.

Uh, Hank, you agree?

Yeah, Fur Kick was cool.

Okay, all right, that's— all right, so Sunday we'll be back. Uh, actually no, Hank and Max will not be there, uh, because you guys will be in flight. You guys will be joining us. We're gonna be going to Tahoe for Chill Week, but we'll— the rest of us will be back in studio. And now we have what, 2 hours? Oh, Memes just texted back, he was on a flight, so That's where memes was. That makes sense, right?

That's a valid excuse.

Valid. Would you agree, Hank?

Yeah.

Okay.

You could have said that at any point last night, but.

That is true. We were planning this last night. He did not mention that at all. PFT just asked for a comment on Mitchell Robinson for Habaka.

All right. Let's do that Sunday night.

Oh.

Oh.

Who's that?

Ding dong.

Ding dong.

Bing Bong, you thought you were gonna go to a beautiful island and get away from everything and get away from Mr. Bing Bong, but Mr. Bing Bong is stronger than ever. You'll never get him to retire no matter how many assholes say Mr. Bing Bong sucks. And I know it's all Hanky's friends from Massachusetts, or as we call them, assholes, which is a play on words of the anus. Bing Bong, no joking, Mr. Bing Bong is stronger than ever. I gotta tell you, I was feeling down about Mr. Bing Bong. Look, I'm walking my beautiful dogs. Get outside, Hanky.

You're a bird.

Tweet tweet. Hey, I was really down on Mr. Bing Bong. And then I went to that parade. And yes, I wasn't wearing a Knicks jersey. My daughter didn't pack the Inouye jersey that I bought her. And she wanted to wear it because she was taking pictures for the gram. And all I had was a PBS shirt, which is sort of the antithesis of James Dolan, but whatever, man. That's what I had at— I, I support public broadcasting, and so do a lot of people in Boston, so you shouldn't have been so critical of that, assholes. Um, hey, let me just say, um, this is, uh— come here, let me, let me show you my beautiful dogs.

Let me set this up.

Sorry.

Hey, it's Mr. Bing Bong! He's here for you.

Those are great dogs.

Great dogs.

Oh man, they're so good.

Look at his beautiful dogs, Hank.

Oh, look at those dogs. It's a beautiful dog.

Look at this.

It's a beautiful dog, Jere.

But you know what? I will say, I am going to defend Hank here. I don't know what's going to happen with this trade. You know, on paper, yes, it looks like Boston lost. But Jalen Brown could be— we could be entering James Harden territory with this dude, you know? Just something to think about. Like, Hank, don't be, don't be totally bummed out. I, I didn't hear this whole conversation before, but, uh, like, don't be totally bummed out. Like, Jaylen Brown, that was some crazy shit he was saying, um, at the end of last season. And I, I just, uh, I don't know. I, I, I, I wouldn't, um, I wouldn't be super depressed yet, Hank. Mm-hmm.

That's good. That's nice. He is on an island full of DeLentes, Jerry.

Guys, can you believe someone agreed to marry Max DeLente? I'm so happy for him. It's like, I'm here. Oh, sorry, sorry, Max. She's, uh, she's a beautiful— like, serious, like, no Mr. Bing Bong for a second— gorgeous, like You're going to have beautiful babies. You're lucky to have her. Don't pull anything that other early Barstool employees pulled. Okay, we won't go there.

Hey, I think you're going to say don't blow it.

Like, don't blow it. I didn't really write anything for this because I got a text from Big Cat last night, but can I start with the AC East? No, I'm kidding. No, I'm joking.

Jerry, do you want to? Don't. So don't, don't. I don't want any fingers pointed who set this up. Don't do that. Okay.

Listen, I want just— Mr. Bing Bong just wants to talk to Hank for a second. Hank, Mr. Bing Bong here. I hear, I hear you're at, at the DeLente wedding. That's beautiful. You know that song? You got to get to the church on time. If you got to get in the car and speed and get Max to the church on time. You know, if you get pulled over, you could whip out your phone and you could offer to FaceTime with Blutman. Bing bang! Just like Rossini did when she got pulled over.

Yeah. Yeah.

So bad.

It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful that you're on a deserted island. It's a resort.

Yeah.

Just like an Arizona resort where that reporter friend of yours and your coach blew it for no reason. She was a very capable reporter. No reason to do all that. Bing bong, find a rooftop, interlock fingies, and one of the bridesmaids, because you blew it. Bing bong. What else can I touch on?

Oh, Jerry, I have one last thing because we gotta, we gotta go in a second. But, um, hey, can you, can you stop, can you stop doing podcasts and giving stories that we would like on this show? I mean, when, when you go on a podcast and say that your wife smells like shit, I would like you to say that on Pardon My Take.

I was on the comedy podcast. I have a movie coming out. Hey, this weekend, if you're like with a family this weekend, AWLs, it's called Summer's Last Resort.

In theaters?

It's on Tubi. No, it's not in theaters. It's a streaming movie. Hank, you fucking hate it.

Nice.

Oh my God. Do you remember when Hank said I'm doing a tour of a movie I did 40 years ago? Hank, you fucked me up. Honestly, you have the audacity to say like Mr. Bing Bong is a jerk and all this stuff. The shit. I have never commented on your career. That was cutting shit. Mr. Bing Bong will never die. Hank, you asked.

I was trying to help you promote. I said, where can people go see this movie? That was not—

how was that shitting? He was asking if it was in theaters.

You better fucking—

you better hope.

I was trying to drive people to the theaters to go see your movie.

Put it on Tubi and pray.

You better hope.

All the people that are watching—

Tubi is a growth engine, bro. I learned that when I was out with them.

It's a growth engine.

It's a huge company.

It's owned by the Fox Broadcasting Company, you son of a gun. You better hope that the Patriots get more than 7 years, because Mr. Bing Bong is gonna be so up inside of you. I'm gonna be so up inside of you, Hank. Sorry, there's like a cyclist going past me. I'm gonna be so up inside of you, Hank. It's not even gonna be funny. I'm gonna be so— I'm gonna be balls deep. I'm gonna shave right before so you get that rash all around your anus, and I am gonna cum inside of you. There, you want some stuff for this?

Podcast.

You got cum inside of you, raw dog. You're gonna get it. You're gonna get what I have.

I'm gonna give it to you.

How dare you? How dare you? Tubi is a growth engine. It's called Summer's Last Resort.

AWL's—

it's called Summer's Last Resort. It's a great movie. I did a podcast. We were talking about deodorant. I said my wife experimented with crystal deodorant because my wife is a little holistic and sort of clean. And that the crystal deodorant didn't really work. And I made a joke. And then the New York— I was about to say the New York Times, but the New York Post did an article that I said my wife smelled. And then I really like— I'm at couples therapy. I have to go to couples therapy right now.

Okay. Well, Jerry, thank you for joining us.

Thank you.

Let me come inside you.

Hank, Hank, Hank. Hank, Hank, don't, don't, don't be too down. I, I don't think this is such a bad thing, you know. Let, let Brad Stevens cook a little bit. I know everybody was getting on you, but, but these trades, something was up. I have, I have no idea what was happening. Some— the AWLs had to explain to me what a second apron was yesterday. So shit is going on that, like, just like, chill out. Um, God, it was so funny. I, I don't know if anybody saw on the Everything app, I wrote, uh, can somebody explain the second apron? If you were explaining it to Hank, and they all like were saying, it's as if you wanted to see more tootsies but you had to pay for the extra tootsies. It was really funny. Yeah, ADB Wells are the best.

Oh, all right, thank you. Happy Fourth, Jerry, we love you. All right, let's kick it to Dungeons and Dragons and Tim Woods, uh, and then we'll see everyone Sunday night. Okay, we are back. It is time for our very, very, very special guest, Tim Woods. Dungeons Dragons part— how many times have we done this?

Oh gosh, uh, this might be our 10th game together or something like that. I'm taking a guess, I'm taking a guess, but something like 10 or 12 or some somewhere around there.

Okay, so always great to see you, Tim. Uh, I— why don't you just take it away and then we can introduce who everyone is, uh, dressed as for the podcast?

Absolutely, 100%. So I, I'm very excited because we're going to be picking up today's adventure kind of from where we left off. We had defeated the 5 evil Doom Raiders, the evil adventurers who were the masterminds of the crime syndicate known as the Zhentarim, the Trainwind Brothers. Now this is where I did want to double-check. Was it Trainwind or Tradewind? I believe it's brothers.

I think, I think we're the Tradewind.

Absolutely.

Why do we say 1, 2, 3? 1, 2, 3, Trainwind.

He said Trainwind.

I said Trainwind.

Yes, talking to Mike Zach.

Trainwind.

Trainwind.

I've been calling you Treywind this whole time.

E-Y, that, that's— yeah, that stuff is complete too.

So which one are we?

Plural?

Train win?

I think it's train win.

I think it's T-R-E apostrophe Y-N-N.

Train.

Train.

Like train win.

Like a train.

So are we the trade? Are we trading the wind or are we on a train with wind?

Train win.

We're on a train with wind.

Train win. Either we're using as a locomotive or we're train win.

What else could train mean?

Either train or train—

training, like training, lifting weights.

Okay, is there a third definition?

Is there a third definition of train?

Yeah, like when there's— when there's like a lopsided amount of people in like a sexual experience, but that's not what we're doing.

I do believe this name originated when we put Zach on the spot to come up with the name in 5 seconds. So I— and I do, I do, I did listen back and I think it was Trainwind originally. Yeah, 100%.

So I, I, I am a, a Trainwind.

There was a reveal last session that Norm in fact was not Norm, but rather Loud Trainwind, to the counterpart and half-brother to Silent Trainwind, our cleric in the group. Uh, there was some argument, uh, first of all about what your family tree exactly was, and then we discovered that you you two share a mother but have different fathers. And I believe, uh, Loudtrain was also raised by wolves, is where we kind of landed, correct?

My dad was an alpha, a beast. Yeah, monster. Your dad was a cuck. And your mother's—

you—

our mother, excuse me, covered you in honey and treated you like a baby.

And one of us has respect for our sweet mother, and it feels like one of us doesn't.

Oh no, I hate— I hate our mom. She's a fucking bitch.

She gave us life.

I want her to die with you.

She birthed us.

I'm gonna— you know what's gonna happen? I'm going to, uh, insert you back into our mother's womb and then kill both of you.

You're gonna put me back in to recook?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Point of clarification, is their mother alive or dead?

So actually, at the end of last session, spirit of the mother appear. That doesn't necessarily mean she's dead, but it highly implies that she might be dead.

So you'd have to dig up the corpse and then—

listen, magic exists in the world of D&D. We can make anything happen if we really want to. 100%, absolutely.

Okay, so we're the Trainwinds. All right, so you do want to say what we are? Uh, everyone go down the line and then we'll, we'll let Tim take us away.

Absolutely.

Oh, Max's Hippomaximus is in. Hey Max, that wasn't a fat joke.

That was, it was a very powerful druid who had been once part of our party. Hippomaximus.

100%. Has a Hippomaximus.

I have a sheet if you need. It's a It's over there, actually, right behind the— I left it over there, unfortunately. But if you want to grab your sheet, Max, you're more than welcome to jump in.

Wasn't a fat joke. Was literally just, that's his name, given these circumstances.

I'll just say before we introduce our costumes also, of course we've got everybody else in the group besides the Trainwain brothers, our barbarian and our cleric. We have also got Erlich, our gnome warlock. We have got Wayne, our hill dwarf bard. And we have Greg with two Gs, our human paladin, rounding out the D&D party.

Mm-hmm.

Of course, our costumes are entirely different.

Tim, I got a question. Is there a possibility my character maybe in this most recent offseason has taken maybe a real keen interest into becoming a wizard?

Oh, you could certainly. So ever since Cake the Wizard had to leave our party, we've been without a wizard, really. So studying, maybe like you could be studying to become a wizard.

I'm wiz-curious.

You wiz-curious?

100%.

100% wizard-adjacent, actually, by wizardly. And so you absolutely can be branching, or as we would call it in D&D, multiclassing into wizard as well. Multiclassing, which actually isn't a bad combo. Bard and wizard work well together.

Yeah.

Nice, nice.

Okay, so what are you, Nick?

Or Greg?

Zach brought me, I'm a prince with a cigarette.

Okay.

Yes, I'm a prince with a cigarette, or a duke.

Duke, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Duke brotherhood.

No Duke of Sussex jokes either, please.

No, no, no doing it.

Prince Andrew.

You can make those.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, Zach, I'm the, I'm the White Ranger today. Power Ranger. Yeah, so my morphs and things.

Sean Avery.

Shout out to Sean.

Yeah, 50.

Uh, thanks, Zach. I appreciate it, Zach. I, I'm, uh, we'll put the mask on for this one. On Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat. I don't know why I'm talking like Bane. Um, but yeah, I'm Sub-Zero, and Zach also got me a bow and arrow and a dagger. A dagger too, for stabbing.

Yeah, more like close quarters.

Yeah, close quarters.

So there's no way. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Alarm. No, it happened.

Oh my God, I'm gonna get a new app.

Uh, wait, Zach, do you have to answer math problems?

Yeah, he just did. You just typed 60 for 4 plus 2.

Well, the first one was 5 5.

That's not the hardest of equations.

The second was 4 2 and he typed 6.

Zach, how are you not getting these right?

He's like, how many alarms do you have set right now? I didn't—

they're all, they're all the way off.

I'll let you roll for it, Zach.

What were the questions here?

Uh, some math. And yeah, it's, it's, it's early math. It's early math, but it's early in the day, so you get fired. They were single digits, but I mean, I I might have rounded up.

It's like instead of a cup of coffee, you have to answer basic math problems to wake you up.

Yes.

Yeah.

Do you feel more awake after 4 2?

Yeah, you jump straight into the textbook, you get going.

Yeah.

Uh, okay, I'm, uh, Mr. Incredible the dad, and, uh, I'm going to face fuck Zach during this episode. I'm also Lord Tradewind, AKA Norm. The Human Barbarian.

I am Erlik the Warlock, and I am Deadpool. Uh, Zach got me a mask with—

you look like Spider-Man.

No mouth.

Yeah, are you Spider-Man?

I'm Deadpool.

What's the difference?

Deadpool's funny.

Spider-Man's not? No. What happened to your face?

I tried to cut open a, um, uh, something so I could talk because my face Zach got me a costume with no, no mouth.

Why'd you give him a Spider-Man costume with no mouth?

Uh, some of the superheroes, they have immersive masks, uh, that you can't hear through them, but I didn't think— I should have been thinking more about audio in the, in the costume shop. Okay, you did double swords, maybe.

I'm also interested in becoming a wizard too.

Absolutely. Warlocks can certainly branch into wizards. I'll admit that's slightly redundant, but it's still a good choice.

What, 100% one of can— so only one of us can become a wizard?

No, both of you can become a wizard, just warlocks are already pretty good at wizard stuff. So yeah, you already kind of have that expertise a little bit.

They're already ahead of the—

aren't they from the north? Aren't they like almost like, uh, like Celtics?

Yeah, yeah, I would say so.

Okay, so they're probably more into that than they are being a wizard. They're probably just making fun of the wizard by trying to become a wizard.

So we, we have two guys who, who are curious about becoming wizards.

Wiz-curious.

Uh, the Tradewind Brothers in a fight to the death. And then Nick, I think he said— or sorry, Greg said beforehand that he's interested in getting a beard officially.

A beard officially?

Like a husband beard?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he would like.

100%. Absolutely. Yes, 100%. So this is the, the regathering, the return of our adventuring party, which we officially named last session. I want to highlight, we are The Six Chinese Boy Whisperers. Very cunning name because I was desperately hoping that we would wonder where that came from this time around. I wrote it down. The logic was also that we would say we were the Six Chinese Boy Whisperers because that way when they tried to count, they'd be assuming one's still out there kind of loose in the wild, and they would always be looking for that.

Why boy Whisperers though.

I would love to know that. I assumed it was something that I wasn't getting 100%. Okay, absolutely. This is going to reflect badly on me if I totally misheard it and that's what got into my head, but I think that's the name we land on.

I think a tough one to, to misinterpret.

I had a lot of questions, but I chose to internalize.

We whisper at the volume of a boy.

Oh, that's what it was.

Pretty straight forward. Yeah, yeah, that's obvious. —obviously what it would mean, yeah.

A weak little boy's voice whispering.

And of course we named ourselves because there was a rival adventuring party who we had to go up against. They were stealing our credit. These Doom Raiders were absolute assholes, and that's why we murdered them without any remorse, killing all of these agents who run essentially the crime syndicate in the city of Waterdeep. Unfortunately, and as our opportunity for today for maybe gathering more treasure and power, we have discovered that there is one leader of this crime syndicate who has not been eliminated, and indeed is the guild master, the one who is in charge of the entire crime syndicate. Now I am especially excited to introduce this classic D&D villain because I didn't make him up. His name is Lord Manshoon, and he is a powerful wizard, incidentally. What? So those who might be wiz-curious would certainly know that Lord Manshoon is traveling the planes right now away from the city, but he has somewhere in the city a base, a headquarters. And if somebody were able to get his spellbook, indeed, not only would they deprive Lord Manshoon of his power, but they would become a great wizard like him. So this was already gonna be the adventure, the fact that two WizKids characters have been expressing their desire to become wizards.

Indeed, stealing his spellbook would not only defeat this enemy, but also empower you. But only one person can get the spellbook, just to be clear. Now, the real reason I'm excited to introduce Manshoon is because the D&D creators who made Lord Manshoon, I suspect, had some influences that they were really excited to work into the game. Lord Manshoon runs a crime syndicate of essentially ninjas, and he's a powerful wizard. And this is what Lord Manshoon looks like. Wow. So you tell me whether or not this guy is your classic Shredder. I always think of Lord Manshoon as being a very D&D's Shredder kind of villain character. And I know that Shredder has been a very meaningful part of our campaign over the years. For sure. In many different ways. So the danger is Lord Manshoon is so powerful.

Look at that hog on Lord Manshoon.

Look at the hog. I didn't even know he was a hog.

Codpieces are a very important part of a wizard's armor arsenal, I will say. You gotta protect every part of your body 100%. And the luchador mask, very Shredder-like, is probably my favorite feature. There's new artwork of Manshoon in the current edition, and he's very like vampire Edward Cullen. I don't like it. I like old school Manshoon with his Shredder mask. And so we do know that if Manshoon were discovered, that we're going after his spellbook, he would come back to the city, maybe using powerful teleportation magic. And I will warn that when I run this adventure for the AWLs, I tell them, do not try to fight Lord Manshoon, 'cause they're all playing the game at level 2. They can't beat Lord Manshoon, he's like level 20. But we're level 7, and so in theory, if we wanted to try to take down Lord Manshoon, you could. But the real goal here is to get his spellbook, 'cause we got several wiz-curious characters for sure who could benefit from that. And it certainly weakens him as a villain. So that'd be the smart and easy way to do it. To it, but I will admit some groups have defeated Manshoon, but only through bullshit shenanigans.

No one's actually beaten him in a, you know, what I would call a slugout fight, but people have come up with clever solutions for defeating him.

Right, like if you tell him like, hey, if you lose you'll get a better draft pick, then he might actually tank and try to lose.

Absolutely, 100%. Got it. So you can use any strategy you want. The world of D&D is open to your interpretation and what, how you want to approach this problem. And of course the first problem we have is we don't know where his headquarters is to get the spellbook, so we're gonna need do some information gathering, we're gonna need to maybe gather supplies or something in the city that we are in. This is the city of Waterdeep, it's huge, it's the King's Landing or the Los Angeles, it's just like spread out like a vast metropolis. Anything you need to do or buy or get, you could get in this city. But as we usually do, to see who goes first in our game, we are going to roll the almighty 20-sided die. And whoever rolls highest will get to go first. Each of us has a dexterity modifier, but I'll apply that for us to see what turn order we're gonna go in.

Hank, go ahead.

Yeah, Hank, how did you do on your roll? Oh, just one, just one d20.

There's one good. Hank got a 6 and tried to say it was a 9.

I mean, the line's always at the bottom, or there's a dot.

Yeah, there's a dot.

Yeah, it's at the bottom. Yeah, so that's a 6 plus 2. You just got an 8, Erlich. I got a 10. 10. Okay, and you have also a +2, so you just got a 12 for Loud Trainwind. A 1. That's 10. And how did Wayne the Bard— I got a 1. Becoming Wizard.

I got a 1. Ooh, a 1.

I got a 1 too.

You also have a +2 bonus, but that will only put you at a 3, Wayne. First overall. Absolutely. And how about Silent Trainwind?

I rolled a 7.

7, okay. Unfortunately, you have a -1 because Dexterity isn't your focus. You have lots of other ability scores that you kind of goosed up. So with A, you got a 7, a 6. That is gonna put you solidly between Erlich and Wayne for Silent Trainwind. And Greg with 2 Gs, I rolled a 3. 3, also with a -1, unfortunately. That is gonna put you at a 2 for Greg with 2 Gs. Absolutely.

So I'd like to just point out real quick that Silent Trainwind is so committed to being silent, Trainwind, that he just deleted the entire alarm app off his phone. I just watched him. Oh no. Was that the entire app that you deleted?

I didn't want to take any chances.

Yeah, I— how can you get that? You got to get that back.

That was off. I'll get it back later today.

Have you done that before? Yes.

Okay, is the fastest way to just make sure nothing goes off.

That's how you turn your alarm off, is you delete the app.

If you got to just to make sure no more interruptions, you just get it out of there. We go to the iCloud later. Got it.

Absolutely. Now, we will point out Loud Train, when that puts you at the top of initiative going first, there is a warning I would offer that barbarians are not necessarily the best at gathering information in town unless you're picking somebody up and shaking them down for information. Very often what barbarians want to do is rush into danger and start fighting things immediately. The problem is we don't know where Lord Manshoon's secret tower base is in the city.

Okay, so Lord Manshoon could be literally anywhere. He could be— he—

we in fact know he's not in the city right now. He's traveling the plains. But if we were to break into his mansion, it's possible that there are alarms. That might lure him to our location. Well, I would like to look under every rock.

Mm-hmm, absolutely. And make sure that we do not leave any stone unturned. So with that said, I would like to take Silent Tradewind and gut him like a pig and search and see if Manshoon is somewhere inside of his body.

You certainly can. I would point out that you have a weapon. Could I just ask on your character sheet, what is— I think you wield a greatsword. I'm pretty sure you have a greatsword. That is unfortunately the perfect weapon for gutting somebody. Just end to end.

I want to slice him open and like, we'll just, we'll, you know, peek around in there.

Silent Train, would it be safe to assume you are not volunteering for this? Are you trying to resist him doing this, or are you, are you laying down and letting him do this?

He's not— the guy we're looking for is not in me. You feel pretty—

that's exactly what you would say if he was in you.

You're not sure there's a man in you?

Yeah, there's As there's zero men in me right now, we don't even have to gut me, but we don't have to use knives.

How could you tell the difference unless you have had been inside?

Yeah, I wouldn't be walking around heavier if I had a full man. And so like, I feel kind of like today, you're the expert. Yeah, if I, if I had a full man inside me right now, I think I would know. What about an empty? You guys got to take my word for this.

Wizards shapeshift, like they could be like a small— could be true.

The last time you had a man, what'd it feel like? Was it uncomfortable?

This would be the first time, and what I'm telling you guys is I think I would realize the first time.

No, but maybe you've just had a man inside of you all along since you were born.

Yeah, also, if Lord Manshoon's inside of you, wouldn't he then say, as your human body out, out here with us, being like, hey guys, I'm not in here, we don't have to use a knife?

He's very powerful. Yeah, you're inside of you a lot without, you know, for the team, if we need to gut me, we can gut me.

Is there an X-ray machine we can go to?

Uh, in theory, there are means of detecting magic that is stored inside of bodies. That would be— a wizard can do that.

I don't want to derail the whole show right away to get my vengeance for our cunt mother. Uh, I will— I will take you— I instead, I will— I will submit to putting Silent Tradewind through an MRI and CAT scan. Absolutely. Just to make sure the Manchun's not in there. Colonoscopy.

Also full cavity. Yep. But as you bring him to the magical X-ray wizards who do this kind of thing all the time in the city, please roll for me a D20. This is gonna be unfortunately a persuasion check, but you still have like, I think a +1 on this.

I have rolled a 4. 4, okay.

With a 5, they are going to try to scan him as best they can. Oh no. Just roll me one D20, Zac. I'm gonna leave it up to the roll of the die whether anything I want this scan to work, cuz I—

3.

I don't want to gut you. With a 3, there's like a shadow inside. Something's inside of you, and they can't figure out exactly what. It's not a full-grown man, but there is like magic inside of you right now. It's unclear exactly what it is. There's almost like a— some kind of like foggy magical shadow inside. What part of the body? Stomach? Around the stomach? Or like uteral area. Guts.

Yeah, you're saying I got the magic in me?

Yeah, you do have the magic in you, 100%.

Backfire, this is that I— I— you have cancer and I just got you early diagnosis. You're lucky, you're gonna survive. We got it early.

Yeah, you have only used your brain section so far. You could go to these wizards and be like, check them again. Yeah, check them again, check them again, roll again, see if you can be like, you guys didn't do a good job the first time around.

That's a 16.

Okay, with 16 plus 1, 17. They scan him again. It was a smudge on the lens. They messed up, unfortunately, with that roll before. They didn't put forth their best effort. You almost got gutted over nothing. It was just a smudge on the little telescope thing.

I'm happy. I'm happy we figured— listen, you said, Tim, I'm not— as a barbarian, I'm not someone who can collect a lot of information. So me going first was always going to be a problem. But at least we checked one box. He is not in Silent Tradeway.

You have ruled out one of the possible hiding places of Manshoon. Absolutely. Absolutely.

You're welcome.

I would like to say, if the, if the role was there, I would have got gutted for the team. Shame I didn't have to do that, but I would have got gutted for the team.

It sounded like you really didn't want to though. Yeah, you sound pretty resistant.

You said it sounded like you were trying to hide the man inside you.

He said it could be man or magic.

Yeah, it was also a smudge. Smudge.

And that will bring us to early— great tracks, absolutely very successful, bound to not be there.

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All right, I would like to— like, since we're with the wizards right now, right?

Yeah, there are some wizards around. We're kind of like in a section of the magical school where they do like magical MRIs and stuff.

So I would like to like go up to them and ask where we can get more information on the guy we're searching for, but then like secretly like kind of ask them if they have any internships or like other positions.

100%, absolutely. Did not even occur to me. These are the people— perfect people to ask about Lord Manshoon, a powerful wizard of evil. So go ahead and roll. You get a +3 on persuasion, but I will warn, if you're willing to be intimidating, I happen to know you have a +6. I'm trying to woo—

no, I'm trying to woo. Like, I'm trying to— I want to be a wizard. I'm trying to be recruited.

I might be wrong, I think you actually have a +4 on this naturally. So go ahead and roll a d20 +4. 20. Whoa, a natural 20! Yeah, I can attest it was natural. 100%. So you find some wizards around here who— I hear you find a really old wizard, and they say, well, if you want to know about Manshoon, we got to bring out his old teacher. And this is like Dumbledore and Voldemort type stuff where it's like, I remember when I thought he was good, but he turned evil and he became the leader of this crime syndicate. I should have never taught him his secrets. I can tell you not only where his lair is, but he will answer no fewer than 3 other questions that you might have about Manshoon. Now, if you don't know what questions to ask, he'll give you random facts about Manshoon, but if there's specific things you want to know about this wizard, you can ask whatever you want right now, and you can trade one of those questions to get an internship. If you trade 2 questions, you might get a really good deal on the internship and maybe even be higher ranking.

Alright, so I'll do one question then.

And then get a really good— yeah, yeah, how much is Dave worth? What, what are his motivations? Oh, interesting. Money. Manshoon is the leader of like an evil crime syndicate, very similar to Shredder. He wants to do crime all over and gain more and more power, but mainly the way the Zhentarim, this crime syndicate, do it is through— they're like the fantasy mafia. They spread from city to city, they try to lock down trade routes routes and then get smuggling routes set up through their connections and shady— like, they kick out all the other thieves guilds and take over the underworld, basically.

A wizard that just wants to be traded and collect— it's Jordan Poole.

We have Jordan Poole. Yeah, absolutely. So that's his motivation mainly, is to make money, make profit. If he thinks he can do that, he might show up at a place where he would be able to maybe make some extra money.

And then, so yeah, I'll use my other two, two questions to elevate myself in the internship program, and then I'll just tell I tell the rest of these guys, like, I got one question, I got some answers.

Yes, you tell them it was a very successful information gathering, even though secretly it was very successful. You not only got an internship, you got free tuition, scholarship to Blackstaff Academy, the wizard school. At the moment, you're the closest in the party to becoming a fully fledged wizard. I'd even give you one level of wizard right now to do a little bit of extra magic and boost your—

Wait, so no one else has any level?

Um, nobody has any wizard levels yet except Cake is somewhere out there traveling around, but he's the only wizard we have.

I got a question. Yes. Uh, very cool. Hey, hey dude, you were, you were with those wizards for a while.

Would you ask him, uh, I found out what is, what is, what his motivations are there. He's a crime syndicate. He wants, he wants money. So we gotta, we can, we can do that, right?

So that was your only question?

You asked him a question that we didn't know.

We were there for a long time.

We didn't know that. You had one question, you were there for 35 minutes?

Yeah, they only gave me one question. It took me a while just to get that one question. Huh.

We did see like pictures of him and everything. It seemed pretty clear that he ran a crime syndicate.

He looked like Shredder. Yeah, he looks like Shredder.

Well, now we know for sure. Now we know how we can get to him.

And then what else did you guys talk about? Because they were really—

they— it was hard for me to get one question. I really had to, to haggle. It's all that paperwork that you have in your hand.

It looks like a brochure.

Why do you have an ID bag?

Badge? No, no, that was— I don't have a brochure, I'm already in.

You're wearing a lanyard separately.

I mean, that's, that's like my, my mom like signed me up for like wizard school like months ago, whatever. Like that was a separate like side conversation.

Well, where's your mom right now?

She's back at home. Why am I— I'm looking at my phone right now and I'm watching a video of Jersey Jerry interviewing all the interns at wizard school. What the fuck? Why are you in this?

Like I said, like, I mean, we're not, we're not together all the time. Like my mom, you know, she's been like pushing me to like try and just like, you know, chase my dreams and, and I guess I have to go to wizard school or whatever.

Why do you have swim trunks?

Are you going to Ben Mintz's pool? I'm gonna miss you guys.

Okay, so you're going to wizard school instead of after, after this mission though.

After this mission, it seems like maybe you're not gonna be completely focused on this mission though.

No, this is like, this is my last, my last hoorah.

Also feels like you wasted it.

You guys know I don't even want to go. Like, it's not like I'd rather be with you I could rather just chill with you guys.

It feels like you had more questions that you could have asked that would have helped us instead. You— oh, the bad guy's doing it for money.

Thanks, Hank. It's also worth noting this wizard teacher is trying to cover your butt a little bit. He comes in, he says, well, you asked me just one question, and then he farted, and I just started cracking up, and I couldn't— I couldn't get through the rest of the questions.

He covers your butt. Okay, that actually checks out. That checks out.

I actually didn't think think it was a fart when I heard it. I thought it was just— he was sitting on a chair, he moved his legs, and then gravity pulled air out.

It could happen to anybody.

Yeah, true. Good point, Tim.

Okay, and that'll bring us from Erlich's turn then to Silent Trainwind is up now. Silent Trainwind, what would you like to do? I will point out you're not too shabby at gathering information, but we do now know the location of Manshoon's headquarters. If we're looking for him That would be a place we could go to that then might set off alarms where he might show up potentially, and certainly where we can find his spellbook if we're looking to gain its power.

Is it— does there happen to be a recently known location of the spellbook, or we have no clue? We—

ooh, good question. Where in his base is the spellbook is not information we have right now, but we know at base.

We do know it must be at his base.

He would keep it at his base even when he's traveling to these dangerous dimensions like the Plane of Fire or the Nine Hells. Or something like that, or maybe even heaven where we went on one of our adventures. You can go anywhere when you're a wizard who can travel the planes. So he is somewhere where it's dangerous to bring his spellbook. He's gonna keep it in his base.

I would like to maybe see if we could— do we know the spellbook is, uh, is paper pen or is it electronic?

One last question. It is paper and pen and probably covered with like grizzly skin or something like that. Okay, so evil grimoire.

So we're not doing any like 'cause it's not a geolocation, we can't ping it or anything like that.

Gosh, I never thought of that. You, mm, might have a scrying spell that allows you to try to pinpoint the location of this spellbook potentially using, not that it has a geotag or anything on it, but you can be like, show me Manshoon's spellbook in a crystal ball and kind of try to find it that way. Yeah, I'm down to give a crystal ball a rip. Absolutely, 100%. I happen to know clerics get a divination ability. I'm gonna say you can roll a d20 to see how effective. When you pray to your god, poundfound, don't forget, you worship the god of storms, poundfound, and he is gonna maybe answer your question if you roll really well.

Uh, 15.

A 15 is the exact number I was looking for in order to get the exact location of Manshoon's spellbook. You see a vision of two towers, one's one center tower and one outer tower. And sure enough, the center tower looks like it's 6 stories tall, it's the big important building, but the outer tower is connected to it by a bridge, and that one only has a single door on the second story accessible by bridge, no windows, no other doors on the ground floor or otherwise, and it's at the top of that 4-story outer tower, the better protected of the two towers. You zoom into this room and you see a magic circle in the middle of the room. Roll me a d20 to see if you understand what this vision is showing you, 'cause you're not seeing the spellbook.

I believe that's another 15.

15, with your religion skill bonus. Could I just ask on your sheet, I think you have like a plus, do you have the religion skill by any chance under skills? Actually, probably not, my mistake.

I do not have the religion skill.

So you would have, you said you rolled a 16, is that right? Or, oh. 16. 15.

Or 16, 17, I don't know.

16, okay, with a 16, that is just enough that you know something about it. About this magic circle. Number 1, if Manshoon senses alarms going off in his tower, this teleportation circle is where he will show up. But you also know it's been modified so that if you press the right combination of runes or maybe solve the right math problem on this, like, essentially alarm-type situation, you could create an opening to a demiplane, a pocket dimension. And it's almost like a wizard's safe. You're realizing that while there's treasure chests in this room, this is the safest location, is the portal that is accessible only by this teleportation circle. If you were a wizard trying to hide a spellbook, you'd hide it in this dimensional pocket. And so you think that's what this vision is trying to tell you. We gotta get into this outer tower, get to this magic circle, and then someone with good Arcana skill, which is usually a wizard, is somebody who has a very good Arcana skill, would be able to open this up. Some of us already do have Arcana, even if we are or not wizards.

It's a plane and two towers, Tim.

There have been unfortunate incidents when I've run this adventure for the AWLs where we have knocked over both of these towers, unfortunately, and it's all pretty regrettable. But shout out, shout out, right?

It's a fact that he doesn't have religion skill, so that's good.

Yes, absolutely. Yep, yep. I didn't write this part of this adventure, I pulled it from a book.

But, uh, Zach, before, as you were training in Florida, right? That's great.

Okay, but, but nobody's knocking anything down in the power of religion, in the, in the name of God, because I don't have the religion skill. You, and you would do anything for 1,000 virgins? Milk and honey does sound like a tasty combo, but I'm not saying— but I just don't have that skill.

Yeah, I mean, you follow the god Poundfound, you can decide whether Poundfound is like what, what their motivations might be or something like that.

So we were able to get the drop on the book, boys. That's— we'll take that.

You gotta do the math problem.

As a team, I think we're pretty equipped on math.

I think it's you.

You got to go up and do the math.

Oh, I thought, I thought it was a wizard that would unlock the—

it is somebody with good Arcana skill.

I feel like we got some Arcana skills on that.

Do you have some math problems for him, Tim, that he can just practice?

I, I could whip up a few, I think. Absolutely, 100%. Yeah, absolutely. And that will be your turn then. So, or I suppose you have a bonus action if there's anything else you did want to do on your turn.

Otherwise, I feel okay with that, that turn.

120 times 4.

120 times 4, so we're doing 100 times 4, so 420 times 4, so we're doing 80, right?

So 480. Okay, he's good, he's really good.

That's PEMDAS. Absolutely. And that will bring us to Wayne, our Hildorf bar next. Okay, um, and I assume you shared that information with everyone, with the entire group. Really nice, really nice. Thank you for being an open book.

Handwritten letters. Yeah, very nice. To do that. Um, I'm gonna Disguise Self.

Yes, Disguise Self, classic spell that allows you to look like somebody else. Kind of apologies potion vibe.

I'd like to, uh, disguise myself as Erlik.

Oh yeah, 100%, absolutely. You immediately look like—

and then I'd like to, um, tell all the other wizards that I'm no longer interested in their school, and in fact I never wanted to be a wizard and I'm a fraud.

You absolutely can make a deception check, and because you look like Erlik, you have advantage on this. So please roll 2 times and take the higher number. That's 3. 3. Mm. It's 5. 5. No. Here's the issue you're running into. These are wizards. And so they go, well, of course, just one moment. And they sort of scan you with magic and they're like, wait a minute, this is a Disguise Self spell. What do you think you're doing right now? Let me just confirm. Yup, yeah, they rolled a 2. 17 to know that this was a ruse. I'm sorry to say, Wayne, they did bust you. And this is a classic, like, oh, they had, like, you tried to bring in a huge gun through a metal detector. Like, get out of here, are you kidding me? They're the really only place in the whole city that would have routine magical inspections.

Actually, guess what? It was a stress test and they passed. I was making sure that, and it sounds like these wizards really have their act together. Yes, absolutely.

You know what? They are upset. Roll me one persuasion check to convince them that this is a— 16. 16. They're like, hey, wait, oh, oh wait, so you're from the Order of Watchful Magisters? That's like the wizard police, kind of? You're like, so do we pass the test? Do we get a new, like, we were trying to go from a B+ to an A on our security. Will you give us the A now?

They're bugs in the keg line. Yeah.

Can I go check out that combination that that Zac pulled up?

You absolutely can.

Wait, what are you checking out? The combination.

Yes, absolutely. Combination. Combination. You are able to start heading in that direction, but I will point that as you get to the location in kind of the dock district of the city where you see the main tower and then the attached outer tower, you sure enough can see the outer tower has 4 stories and you can see the doorway on On the second story, you could try to climb up onto the bridge to get into that tower, but you're also noticing one other thing, 'cause I know your character has decent perception. There is like dirt around the tower in a perfect ring. It's almost like you see a ring of dirt and then nothing. It's clean within that perfect ring that goes exactly 30 feet out radius circle around the tower itself. As you're watching, you see a bird fly through the air, caw caw, and then just hit something and slide down an invisible wall of some kind. Roll me an Arcana check real quick to see if you know what you're looking at here.

That's a 6, and I had +4.

Oh, +4? All you needed was a 10 to get an idea of what's going on here. This is a force field dome around this tower. Sphere. You don't, with a 10, know how you would get through a force field dome, but someone with Arcana or a wizard would be able to figure that sort of thing out. Okay. So, and I will say that was you going with your move. You still have your bonus action if you want to do anything here, or you can inspire as a bard one of your teammates with the bardic inspiration, right? Either playing the music or encouraging them. Who's up next? In theory, it is Greg up next.

Greg, would you sing me a song?

Prince Greg, I'd like to sing Prince Greg a song. Absolutely, what song do you sing Prince Greg? So you said that there's like a ring of dirt and then a hole.

Yeah, so there's kind of like, it's almost like there's a perfect circle around the tower where it looks like the street sweepers have been sweeping dirt up against the force field. So there's no mystery, even though it's invisible, where the force field is. You think you could walk into it and then bounce off of it.

I'm thinking like a 9-iron? Maybe, or maybe just, why don't you come in my dirty hole? Yeah, let's go right in that dirty hole, Greg.

All right, thank you, I'm inspired, guys.

Go check out that dirty hole. Come on in.

It's pretty nice. With that song in your heart, Greg, you absolutely feel inspired. Mm-hmm, thank you. It's my turn? It is now your turn, Greg, 100%.

I think we should wait for somebody to walk out. Is there a lot of traffic going in and out of this tower?

In and out of the tower, there seems to be no traffic. In fact, you see people moving around inside of the main tower, not the outer tower where the spellbook is, but you can see windows on floors 1, 2, and 3. Of the main tower and a front door. There's people moving around in there. I'm gonna roll to see if they've noticed anybody out there. They have not yet. Someone almost looked out a window and spotted us.

And this is a crime syndicate at its core?

Yes, absolutely. So not a lot of traffic going to and from, and you'd bet they keep this force field pretty secure a lot of the time.

Boys, give me all your gold. Let me walk by and look vulnerable.

Ooh, I like that.

I'm gonna jingle it in a purse.

Gotcha. Absolutely. How much gold do we have? You, I would say, even you alone have enough jangling gold in your pocket.

I want like a common cool large bag of gold.

Okay, 100%. If you pool your money between the dragons that we've defeated and the money we got off the Doom Raiders last time, we've got well over like, uh, I would say 6,000 gold pieces. If you're putting it all in one bag, that's a bag like this big with a big dollar sign on it. Does Greg have any older brothers?

Because I feel like the, the second or third brother prince is like always gets kidnapped. Those are good ones to kidnap, which is good. That's which is good if that's what we're looking for.

Greg, it's totally up to you. If you have any brothers, certainly they could be in the city. Even one—

do you want me to have brothers? I think so.

I think, I think, I think kidnapping— like, if you're a crime syndicate, like, trying to kidnap and hold hostage, like—

I see you're lying. Okay, so you are a paladin. A paladin is like a knight, like someone who has taken an oath and become a very important person. You would be someone they might want to kidnap.

All right, so if we're thinking about, like, a brother that Prince Greg could have kidnapped, should we maybe pick someone who's like got glasses and a beard, looks a lot like Prince Greg?

You certainly could.

A body double, if you will.

Mm-hmm. Do you know—

I can't grow a beard. I don't.

Who does anyone have glasses in it?

Are you guys just assuming I'm a prince in the game because I'm— because of this? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool.

So there's only one person, there's only one person who kind of looks like you, right? Prince Greg.

Uh, oh wow, I do. I have spectacles as well.

So why don't we have— why don't we have Silent Trade wouldn't get kidnapped with our big gold purse?

Yeah, so I get all the gold but maybe kidnapped.

But you need to walk by and look vulnerable.

Yeah, you got to say that you're a prince. You're the second prince.

Maybe, maybe walk by like you've lost your glasses somewhere.

I'm just gonna say this is all contingent on the fact that you have not already lost your glasses. Silent Trainwind, please roll me a d20. As long as you nuke in a 1, you do not lose your glasses. It's a 17. 17, absolutely. You lost them, but you found them again after hours of looking around for them. You really put in a lot of hard work, but you found them again. So now you can affect a very good disguise of Greg the Paladin, 100%. That also means that, Greg, since it's your turn, I like the idea that as you are seeing Silent Trainwind disguise as you walking by, you're almost waiting in ambush, maybe potentially, for anybody who might come wandering out. You certainly could.

Near a bush, please.

Absolutely. There's plenty of bush. And so you are able to get into some nearby bushes, look out, and sure enough— in fact, roll me 1d20 as opposed to the bush.

Bush is near these two towers?

Plenty. Oh God, no. Yes, yes. But, uh, you, you, you see someone's hung up like a nice mission accomplished sign for some part or something like that, and so you can roll, this'll be your stealth check, you have a -1 on this, but. It's a 9. Problem is that right now you're trying to hide in some bushes and it's not, it's hard to hide when you're wearing heavy armor and stuff. I think that your giant moth mount is, I believe you still had a giant moth as your mount. Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, is kind of like coming up and you're like, no, no, no, no, come on, girl, and is like sort of drawing attention upon you right now. They haven't noticed you, however. They are too locked in on the money bag being carried by the false prince. And so you see, let's find out who it's gonna be who comes emerging out of the tower. Ooh, you see a little hobbit come running, a halfling. The Tolkien Estate owns the word hobbit. A halfling comes emerging out of the tower. He's wearing a chef apron and wizard robes, so it seems like he is a chef but also can do magic of some kind.

This hobbit comes running out and you hear him like, what's going on? Oh, interesting. And then he suddenly points at the force field, in the direction of the force field. He has a ring, and suddenly this archway appears in the force field. And he goes, you there, you there, uh, it seems like you are "Maybe in possession of too much gold, my friend. Perhaps I could lighten your load a little bit." He then almost looks in Greg's direction, but Greg still has the element of surprise right now. This guy is almost acting like he's being friendly, but you can tell he's about to maybe cast spells to freeze you in place or something like that. Silent Trade, when you are passing by with your reaction, Greg, do you want to jump out and do anything at this point?

I would like to compel him to a duel. Yes, you can use Compel Duel.

If you—

if this works, he will have to fight you. In that case, he will not get to do anything else. Let me get my special wizard die here. Okay, the special wizard die has betrayed him. He only got, even with his decent bonus to this, a total of a 12. He needed like a 14 or better to pass that. He immediately looked in your direction and you're like, duel me! And this this little circle suddenly inscribes in the ground between you two. He tries to back up and he slams against it, and he can't get out of here. The ring is clearly the thing that let him through the force field, and now he's like, "No, no, no, no, no!" And you know he's scared, 'cause wizards can hit really hard, but they're glass cannons. They don't have a lot of hit points. If you go after him right now, you, I'm gonna say you still have one attack left that you could do to this wizard.

I don't think we want, do we wanna kill him though?

You can attack someone to knock them out. You could intimidate him or persuade him to not fight now that you know he's kind of trapped, locked in duel with you. I would like to intimidate him. Absolutely. You're like, surrender now, yield now, and like, I won't make this messy on you. Go ahead and roll with advantage. You get to roll 2 times now, and you're gonna be adding either intimidation or persuasion to the higher roll. 11. Mm-hmm.

7.

7. Okay, so with an 11 being the high roll, can I ask, under skills, do you have either intimidation or persuasion? Persuasion plus 6. Plus 6, let's go! He would need a 17 or higher on this. He immediately says, listen, listen, I'm just the chef, I'm just the chef, we don't need to make this messy. How can I help you? I, I— this was all a big misunderstanding. I wasn't gonna take his money. I would never do such a such a thing. In fact, I'll bet I can help you out a lot. This guy's totally willing to betray everyone in this tower right now. He tells you his name is Manafrit Cherryport. He's the chef in residence here in the tower of the mansion known as the Kolat Towers.

It's too obvious if we just take the ring.

I want his whole hand. Absolutely, 100%. You're almost like, as punishment for what you were about to do— a thief is punished often by slicing their hand off So you take, he almost is like, you see him kind of be like, "Ah, no, come on, we don't have to." "Fine." And you're pretty sure he knows I can kind of regrow my hand. And by the time he realizes you're going for the ring hand, it's almost too late. Roll me 1d20. As long as you hit him, you'll take his hand right off. 13. 13 plus your attack bonus with your, I believe, longsword. My longsword. Takes the halfling's hand right off. It falls to the ground, and he goes, So can I go now? And he wants to run away from the tower to get out of here. You let him loose from your Compelled Duel. This guy says, "I quit!" And starts running out of this tower. Congratulations. You don't have a ring to get everybody in and out of this force field into the tower. However— Nick's got a ring? You do. Wow. Wow. I keep doing this.

What a day. I can't believe it.

Wow. And it was given to you by this young halfling wizard who— as he runs away, is like, are we— what are we now? As he thinks to himself about Greg. Um, nobody has noticed this whole transaction from inside the tower. Congratulations. We still have the element of surprise right now. Greg, huge turn, and you didn't even need to use your Bardic Inspiration, so you still have it on standby. Great job, Prince Greg. Gonna bring us back around to Loud Trainwind.

Okay, so, um, I'm a big dummy, right?

The Barbarian is known for immense strength and constitution, toughness, immense, but not high intelligence.

Can I— so I, I feel like we got to know more about this Monsoon guy, Lord Manchun. 100%. Can I, can I— he's a crime guy. Well, I'm not, I'm not smart enough to ask people to, to go around and trick people with my brain. Could I potentially listen to a podcast?

Yes, you can learn valuable information by doing so. That would be a ception check.

Okay, so I would like to listen to, uh, the Sit Down: A Mafia History Podcast with Jeff Nadeau. Absolutely. He did an episode about Monshoon, and I'd like to just get everything that he, he knows about him and download it.

Absolutely. You have to sort through a lot of other, like, true crime, like, podcasts and stuff, but you are able to find this legit one. Okay, that is very authoritative, has all the history down. This is wizards just broadcasting from their towers. Yeah. All of their thoughts and stuff, and so you are able to use magic crystal ball to tune in on this, or magical sending stones, or wherever you get your local podcast. And so you can roll me a perception check. Roll a d20 plus— I think you have a 3 on this. 18. 18 plus 3 is a dirty 21. Well done, absolutely. With that, you are going to extract valuable information about Manshoon. Was there something you were listening looking for in particular. You're gonna get 3 pieces of information about Manshoon right now. Um, ironically, you can't trade this for scholarships or anything like that because it's just information.

Yeah, yeah, you would never do that. I'll just leave a 5-star review.

Absolutely, 100%.

Um, okay, so what do we want to learn, boys?

Maybe like find out what Manshoon's all about. Yeah, like does he do this for money or what's his motivation?

Right away is like, everyone knows that Manshoon does what he does for money. That's common knowledge. But let me tell you the real information about Manshoon now.

All right, so what are we trying to figure out?

What, what level of this tower is his room at?

What, what, yeah, what, what level is his room at?

I will point out that we did learn from the scrying that Silent Trainwind did, we learned the outer tower, fourth floor.

Okay, so I, I, I know, I know this podcast well. I I feel like he probably talked about this topic. What's his weakness? What is the one thing that he can't live without, that he needs, that we can maybe go after?

We do kind of know— We can go with the penis. His spellbook is the main thing that if we could get it from him, he loses all of his magical power without his spellbook. I think that's the information we didn't have before that we are getting is if you take his spellbook from him, he loses his ability to do magic.

Magic at that point.

What about Latina broads?

Oh yeah, he has plenty of other weaknesses. Let me go over some of them. Number 1 would be Latina broads. Absolutely. Let me just— you know what, I'll leave it up to you guys. How much does he love Latina broads? Yeah, yeah, above average. Above average. Okay, interesting. What about after a few Stellas? Yeah, absolutely. Let me see. After Stellas, he loses interest in them after a few Stellas, weirdly enough. Wow. Absolutely. If Any thoughts about any possible weaknesses? I'll roll to see if it happens to be one of his weaknesses. Like, does he have to definitely Latina broads?

Does he have to bring like his, his, uh, like satchel of money with him whenever he wants to hang out with these Latina broads? Or do they hang out with him even if he doesn't have money? I—

let me see, uh, who— he does not need any money to go hang out with the Latina broads. He just gets by on pure rizz. They actually love him more than he He loves them. So you learn that not only does he, there's a rumor he pursues Latina broads. The truth is they won't stop coming after man, shoot. They all wanna go for Bastian.

Does he own the tower or rent it?

Does he have the ability to fly? If you ask about his ownership of the tower, there is an answer here to that question. Do you ask about that?

Yeah, I would like to ask.

So you find out that yes, he owns the tower, but because there were two wizard brothers who used to own this tower, and then he, they disappeared mysteriously. You find out that the brothers who owned the tower were wizard brothers called the Colex. Fat brothers, and their specialty was constructs, gargoyles made of stone that would animate to protect the tower, things like force fields that they could use to protect the tower, and golems, things made of stone or iron that can defend the tower, including flesh golems, otherwise known as Frankenstein's monsters, creatures that look like zombies but aren't. They're constructs with bolts in their neck that will defend the tower So we should expect animated dangers that could animate and attack us.

Okay, so, uh, we know that we got to get a spell book. We know Latina broads. Anything else? Oh, uh, Hank's last question was, can he fly?

Can he fly? Great question. I will let you know that not only can he fly, flying is easy for him. He can almost fly perpetually because he's got like a permanent fly spell on him. Not only can he Not only that, he can teleport across the world in a single turn if he wants to. He also has spells that if we were level 2, he could kill any of us easily. But even at level 7, if he uses his most powerful spells, he could probably one-shot kill any one of us.

Okay, I feel like we learned a lot. Yeah, absolutely. Can I have like a mini— do I have a mini roll?

Yes, you have a bonus action.

You can do whatever you want. Bonus action, just bitch slap Silent Tradewind just to let him know that I didn't forget about them.

Are you, um, allowing this to happen, or are you trying to avoid it from happening, like dodge it?

I would like to avoid this bitch slap if possible, but you have a giant—

now before you bitch slap him, I will ask, do you go reckless on the bitch slap? Then you get advantage.

Oh, reckless bitch slap.

Yeah, I'm going to reckless bitch slap.

Recklessly bitch slap. Silent Ravenwind, please roll 2 times on your d20.

4. Mm-hmm. Uh, that's a 16.

Ooh, initially it looks like it's going to hit your helmet, and then he gets you right in the face with the 16 plus your Athletics. Dex bonus, 100%.

And then just leave a note just being like, there's, there's more where that came from. Absolutely. That's it.

That's all. Good turn.

Thank you. And that was right as you had walked away, uh, from the, from the encounter with— is he, is he crying? Um, roll to see if you are crying right now. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're trying to avoid it, so it's really only on a 1 or a 2. 11. 11. Oh, you— yeah, it doesn't— yeah, no problem. Absolutely.

Okay, 100%. No, no, that we just— tough guy. We understand. I understand my siblings sometimes have outbursts. We look past that. We don't tear up, but we don't hold against them. Outbursts are okay. Everybody vents in their own way. 100%.

And I'll say, since you got an 11 and not a 10 or lower— a 10 or lower would have meant there was a little twinkle, and you caught that. With an 11, not even a twinkle. You hold it together just barely.

Next time I'm gonna go harder.

Absolutely. That'll bring us to Erlich's turn now.

I would use— I would like to use my stealth skill. Mm-hmm. And I would like to try and go ahead nobly to try and get a jump on this book.

Absolutely. So, you know, the force field in theory is already open. The only way it wouldn't be open is if Greg chose to shut the force field. They left the door open, as it were, through the force field. So assuming that gate is still there, you can go right through the force field into the towers. Do I still have the ring? Do you have the ring? So you could make this—

I would give you the Nyx ring for my birth— for your birthday.

That's really nice.

That's so nice. Yeah, that's fair. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. So now I have the Nyx— I can—

I control the force field now. You do, yes.

Okay, so I would like to go— I would like to go inside stealth.

Absolutely. Yeah, roll me a stealth check as a bonus action. That's perfect. D20 plus whatever your stealth skill bonus is.

Uh, that's a 4 plus 5.

4 plus 5, 9 is not great, so I'm gonna ask you to be specific about where you're going. There's two towers. The main tower clearly has people inside of it. You can look through windows, you can go through doors, but you're not being very stealthy right now. The outer tower has no windows, a single door, but it's on the second story connected to the main tower by a bridge. So you could keep away from those people, then you don't have to worry about how sneaky you're being, and go for the outer tower where we know the spellbook is. If you want to head for the main tower, then you're gonna have some trouble.

Is it— if I go in the main tower, can I just be like, oh, this is my first day of internship, and they'll buy that?

Or is that not gonna work? You could try that, but I will point out, at the magical school, they do internships all the time. Here, that's a rare and unusual thing, so the check would be a lot tougher that you would need to make.

All right, so we'll go for tower number 2.

As you look at the outer tower, we had already learned that's where the spellbook was at the top of floor 4. The issue right now is you aren't drawing any attention— I'll just confirm that. Well so far we didn't get shot at!

Okay, so find out something in just a moment.

That's a 20. Um yeah, that was a natural 20. That was really the only way something was gonna go wrong. We'll see in just a moment but uh, you are at the outer tower. You notice there's no ground floor door; there's a door on the second story but you could try to climb up. What about Lola? Oh my gosh. Credit Hank: I always have been forgetting Lola lately. I am so glad you remembered.

He's talking about L-O-L-A...

Lola. Lola. Imp can immediately spread her wings, fly up invisibly, by the way, so Lola's not worried about stealth. And this imp can fly up to the door, and I can think of a couple of things. Lola could try to help you up, or Lola could open the door on her own. She could even go inside the tower, whatever you want to happen here. I think Lola—

I— help me up. I had—

Lola will help you up, absolutely. Lola's like, she's like trying to help one of your feet, pushing it up. Go ahead and roll with advantage now, with help from Lola. This is going to be an Athletics check. I'm sorry to say you've got +0 on that as a gnome warlock. That's not your specialty the way it would be for a barbarian. So roll 2d20s, take the higher number. 20. Bang! No way! You, you do not have to— you had 2 rolls, you didn't even need the second one. On the first try, Lola basically is actually like, here, one second, one second, and she just like calls out, "Oh lords of the Nine Hells, please give me strength!" And for just a split second, she is able to push you all the way up so that you land on the bridge, no prob. You know what, mate, since it was not her help that got you the critical hit, you did it on your own, I wanna give you credit. Maybe this is your first little bit of wizard magic. You start to levitate off the ground and land on the bridge. She goes, "I didn't help you do that, how did you do that?

That's incredible, I've never seen seen a warlock do that kind of magic. And sure enough, you land on the bridge. I'm even prepared to say with a critical hit, you might still be levitating a little bit right now. Nice. Now there's two doors you could go through: the door into the main tower and the door into the outer tower where we know the spellbook is and it's quieter. Unfortunately, you now know from the main tower some people are like, hey, did you hear somebody talking outside? And they are gonna start mobilizing. I'm gonna roll to see when they're gonna go, but you you could make yourself scarce before they arrive. It's still your turn right now, you still have your action. You could go into the outer tower where all's quiet right now. The main tower is unfortunately where all the enemies seem to be. So let's go outer.

Absolutely.

Let's get to that book. As you open the door to the outer tower, you know that at the top of this tower is where the spellbook should be. Immediately opening up, you can see there is a ledge you can step onto, and there's a spiral staircase going down into what appears to be the ground floor, which is just a garbage pit. They've been throwing garbage down this staircase staircase, and it's all like stinky down there. There is a staircase going up from the ledge to the third floor, but straight across from you, there is a little ledge with like an almost like statue of a wizard pointing a wand right at you. Roll me an Arcana check to see if— it certainly looks very suspicious, like a trap, but roll to see if you know anything about this particular situation.

D20?

D20. 5. 5. And what's your Arcana bonus?

Uh, my Arcana bonus is 5. 5.

So you got a 10, and because you got 1 level of Wizard, I'm giving you an extra +2 on that. Let's go! You can tell this is a magical trap of some kind. You know 3 things are gonna happen. Number 1, there are runes on the mouth that are gonna make this statue start talking whenever the trap is triggered. There's a ledge right in front of you. You can pretty much— you can even see the rune right on the ledge. The moment you step onto this ledge It is going to cause this thing to start talking. It's gonna raise off the ledge and something's gonna happen on that wand. Maybe an attack in your direction or something like that. What would you like to do? Lola's like, that's bad news.

Can I just hide out for a minute? You could hide out.

This way you could end your turn if you want. You still have your action in case you want to do any attack or something like that, or cast a spell, or make another skill check. Check, but you could say I'm ending my turn, or you could say I'm readying an action but not firing it yet.

I'm gonna ready an action.

Keep in mind, between now and your next turn, it is guaranteed some people are going to come running out of the main tower and start looking around for you. So something to consider there.

So I can't use my skill, I can only use an action?

You could use any action, including a skill check. A skill check is stealth. Stealth, absolutely. So now this is your second attempt at stealth. Roll me one more stealth check to try You're kind of hiding on the bridge, is that right? 20. 20! Wow, okay. With the critical hit, were you hiding on the bridge by kind of like laying flat on the bridge, or were you trying to hide in the tower? Hide in the tower. I will say that if it's with a critical hit, you managed to avoid this trap entirely. You think its sensor rune did not go off, and so you get into the tower. Do you want to stay on floor 2 or go down to floor 1, the garbage pit? Or go up to floor 3, which is a mystery.

I think garbage pit's probably the safest place to hide.

Oh, that's actually so smart. Luke Skywalker style, in the trash compactor. You go down into this, down the spiral staircase. There's like at least like 14 inches of like water down here that you can submerge yourself in. It's gross, but it's a great hiding spot that they would never check. Great job.

Nice hiding spot. Good job, Tim. I got a question, just like, uh, Um, when you're playing Dungeons Dragons, just like in terms of being a good teammate and everything, is it normal for someone to put their used Lucy in the, uh, the, the die? Oh yeah, I mean, these are all our dice trays.

I don't want to presume anything.

Oh, okay. All right.

I didn't know if that was something that like— that's just something you do in Dungeons Dragons.

It was in a wrapper. Okay, got it.

Where's the wrapper? Yeah. Every time I went to grab a die, I just, you know, I'd sit.

Sounds like a house rule we would need to make. 100%. Absolutely. This will bring us to Silent Trainwind next. That's disgusting.

So gross. Just sitting right next to the die.

It was in a trash wrap earlier. Earlier. Earlier. It jumped out. Matt put it in there.

For some reason.

Yeah. To make sure it was still there.

Oh, okay. So Silent Train, when we are now up to you, you just saw Erlich go inside through the force field. He has the ring now. Just want to make— but I do want to double-check, but I assume you did not shut the archway into the force field behind you, right? You left the door open.

No, can I do it at any time?

You need to be out, so you would have needed to do it before you got into it. Yeah, it's open. Yeah, so it's open. Absolutely. So nothing stopping us from going inside. To be fair, we only have a limited amount of time before people are going to start coming out and noticing intruders.

I am curious about the area surrounding these towers. Are there any shops? Is there, is there maybe, uh, you know, a drugstore, pawn shop, anything close in the area? Is this a developed kind of spot or more rural?

It's kind of not rural. It's in the middle of the Dock District of the city, but this is a rundown neighborhood in the Dock District. This really nice courtyard with towers in it is like where 4 different alleyways meet in the Dock District. So it's sort of a rundown district where there are a lot of shops, a lot of hovels and stuff, but definitely places where you could hide or look around and like pharmacy-type places.

What are you looking for?

You looking for a little Advil 'cause I bitch slapped you?

I would like to support local business, maybe stop into the local pawn shop, maybe browse around for a second if that's okay.

Absolutely. Are you looking for anything particular? There are plenty of shops that sell potions, Scrolls, which are one-shot spells, or other magic items you might even be looking for.

I heard there's a guy that whips up a great virus in there, and I was trying to see— Cyrus? I believe I have quite a bit of gold on me from an earlier distraction.

Yes, it's true, you have everyone's money right now.

I would like to spend some of the gold on this man's finest virus, if possible.

Absolutely, you're saying virus like a plague that might spread, potentially? And I would like to look for injectable, if possible, yeah. Roll me 1d20, just, this is now very easy, you do not need a high roll on this. You're in the right neighborhood.

It's a 5.

Okay, the number I was looking for was a 5 or higher. Initially people are not willing to tell you where you could find somebody who could provide you with a sample of a plague or a virus, and so you finally, as you're about to give up the search, from an alleyway, this guy who looks like he's a little raven man, pokes his head out and goes, "Hey, hey, I heard you're looking for a plague. I happen to be a plague brewer. Come inside my shop." And his shop is like down a staircase in an alley into somebody's basement. He is brewing different plagues here, and he has an injector syringe. He says that you certainly have enough money if you're willing to pay full price for a sample of his deadliest plague. You do not even need to make a check. If you want to haggle, you certainly can to get a better price on it. But you have everyone's money right now, you can afford this.

I would like to hit him at maybe like 80% on that. Absolutely. A gentleman's haggle, nothing crazy.

Roll me one d20, see if you can haggle it down a little bit.

That's gonna be a strong 2.

With a strong 2, he goes, "I noticed you were looking for a really long time. I don't think you're gonna get a better deal on a plague. It's highly illegal to be selling this sort of thing.

Full price, I'm afraid, is what I'm gonna need." This does seem to be quite a bit of gold, so I'll hit him with full price and still have a You still have plenty of gold, but there is a dent now in our funds at this point.

And you have a syringe. I assume that there are regular plagues here. You wanted to go for the best kind. There are magical plagues that can't easily be cured without the power of a cleric. You're the only person here who would be able to cure the plague that you have in your syringe right now. Uh, with that done, that was your bonus action. You could now move to anywhere you want, and it would be an action to spell, an attack, a skill check, or inject somebody with that syringe. I would just like to go meet up with the boys.

I'd like to regroup.

100%. You regroup with the boys, 100%. If there's anything you would like to ready, or you could hand that syringe off to somebody or anything like that, you certainly may.

Can I be like, Tradewind, is that a vial of plague that you have?

Are you hiding it or revealing it to everyone? Are you back on the plague?

Guys take the plague all the time. It's just like, I got it in my pocket. Yeah. Yeah, recreational, you know. You're not that fat, dude.

Never know. You don't need the needle.

Is this a party plague or is this just like you need it?

Yeah, uh, I guess that would be to be determined. We have no one's, uh, we have no sample size on the effects. We did— I got it from the guy on the street, said it was a good plague, but you know, you never know. They cut the plague with all sorts of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, they're mixing.

Yeah, just if you take the plague, make sure that somebody's around you. Yeah, understandable.

Okay. Glad to be back meeting up.

He is the narc. He is like the human. Yeah, so when you take it, make sure you're around when you take the, the plague. So you understand yourself.

Gotcha.

We'll do that. Absolutely, 100%. And to be fair, there are also lots of magical drugs sold in the city as well. The plague that you got is both. In fact, it both gives you a crazy feeling, confusion, but also very dangerous as well.

Be careful, you know, you don't want accidentally prick yourself with the plague.

Yeah, maybe test it before you take it. Yeah, you know, because like you might take it and then you might just like, you might just stay in the strip club for like 20 hours non-stop afterwards.

There is some guys take—

yeah, if you wanted to use your action to sample it, you certainly could, but you could otherwise end your turn too.

You keep Hippomaximus away from it. He'll take— he'll use all of it.

I would like to end my turn here. Absolutely, 100%.

I'll mark you down with the ready to action if you would like to take one between now and your next turn, but Wayne, we are now up to you. We gotta start getting some stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We haven't done anything. Hank's like done.

Let's move to the next. He's already finished.

He's doing the main quest, absolutely.

So Hank is in how many feet of trash right now?

I said 14 inches. 14 inches of trash. It's an arbitrary number. I think a gnome could fit under 14 inches of water. I'd like to do—

can I do Minor Illusion where I make a human-sized image? Out of nowhere. Correct. I'd like to make a really hot chick that wanders her way down into the basement, and then she sees Hank covered in trash, and he tries to talk to her, but she's like, ooh, that's disgusting.

Okay, so you make an illusion of a beautiful— First of all, you can get inside the dome. You can just barely see through a bit of the open door into the outer tower. You can even make it just appear on the other side of the door. An illusion of a beautiful woman begins to descend the stairs Hank, please roll me an intelligence saving throw to see—

Tim, if it's okay, I'd like her to be shocked by his presence and his smell and revolted. And she's so revolted by it that she doesn't know I'm there. I'm hiding, you idiot. Revolted by his smell and his presence that she then causes a scene and attracts the attention of those Frankenstein-looking guys to come by.

Roll me a deception check real quick to see how convincing you make this illusion.

I've got a +8 too.

Plus 8 is fantastic. Fantastic. You are very good at creating convincing illusions.

Erlok's turn. Oh, that's a 9.

With a 9, and that's before, I assume, the +8, is that right? So 17 in all. Was looking for a 15 or higher for this to be a very convincing illusion that's making a lot of noise. So I would like Erlok to please roll an Intelligence saving throw with disadvantage to see if he's falling for it. So roll 2 times and take the lower number.

The 3, but the 3 is just gone.

Uh-uh.

It's not 8. That still counts as a 3, I think. Let me see.

I think it's a— Oh, sorry. Yeah, that is a hard to read die. Yeah.

You got a 1. Dealer's choice.

You get a 1. You get a 1, Hank. I didn't. Yeah, the hard to read is the 1. Well, there might not be a 3. It's right there. You're right.

It's a 30. You know what?

I'll give you the higher of the 2. You get the 3.

Well, I have only rolled once, so 16. Thank you. You're gonna make it easier so he gets like the higher?

No, no, no, no, I was saying the higher between the 1 and the 3 because—

no, you said the higher between the 2. I rolled once, I got 3.

I said I'll give you the higher one of those 2, meaning the 3.

Uh, uh, so he's a commander giver, commander giver at his finest.

I was not giving him a 16.

Absolutely. So you're not giving The 16, we're gonna go with the 3 then. And that is not enough to know that this baddie who is coming down the stairs right now is an illusion. In fact, you think she is one of the guards who, you know, just walked across the bridge to get to you. And you're like, oh dang, the guard who's coming after me is a baddie.

And you're looking around, hiding from the guard.

She sees you and she smells you. Roll me one wisdom save. I'm gonna say unless you roll really bad on this, it wouldn't cause you to be like, but like looking out of the water, kind of. 4. 4. Okay, I'm sorry to say— let me ask, um, no, I guess— yeah, no, that's not gonna be enough because there's no way you have a +6 on this.

I'm, I'm just trying to play by the rules. He actually rolled a 14.

Oh really? That was a 14. Feel free to pass me that die. I don't want to give us a hard-to-read die. I'll get that one out of here. But you're absolutely right, that's a 14, where the one has worn away. You are not emerging out of the water like, ooga ooga, but you are staying hidden in the water. You do think it's a real woman, but you're like, she might be dangerous, so I got to be a little careful here. The bad news is that that was enough of an illusion that as she's calling out, the guards are like, someone's in that other tower, and they are heading for the outer tower now to look around. Such a Absolutely. So at the top of initiative, right after Greg's turn, we're gonna have some intruders emerging at this point. Wayne, that was your action. Anything with your bonus action, you could do Healing Word to heal some— well, no, nobody's injured yet. You could also use another Bardic Inspiration on somebody other than Greg. Greg still has Bardic Inspiration.

You're just blowing up everyone's spot.

No, just yours. Ours. Which is ours. No, yeah, because you're gonna get your hands on that spellbook and it's gonna be bad news for everybody. Out of here.

True. That's what we're— that's the mission.

No, you're, you're not going to share it with anyone.

Remember who told you 14th.

Yeah, I think I want to use my bardic inspiration on, uh, on Silent Tradewind. Silent Tradewind, to just be like, hey man, you got, you got a lot of virus. We should go into the bathroom stall, maybe check that out. Let's party.

We can hit the stall. I feel inspired.

Yeah, let's inspire. Let's party. After you.

Okay, uh, thanks. Absolutely. Are you leaving to go to a different bathroom, or are you trying to find the bathroom in this tower?

I think the bathroom stall's a metaphor for just like whatever the closest flat surface is. Yeah, absolutely.

You're easily able to find an alleyway and start enjoying some of this plague, 100%. Yeah, safely.

Safely.

Safely. Roll me 1d20 just to make sure this is safely being used, and Silent Trainwind, if you're doing this as well.

It's a 2. It's a 2.

Oh!

Trainwinder, are you also indulging? I, I, everybody's doing it.

I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'll indulge. He indulged.

You're not gonna make me do this on my own.

Hey, yeah, this isn't peer pressure. I'm indulging on my own free will. But I did test, I did test half, half the, we did the test half and half. Half were in a good spot, the other half crippling. There's some issues there. I won't reveal the results of the test because I want to keep you safe and having a good time, and I don't want to, I don't want to send you through a He's going in with you.

I'm at an 11. 11, you are doing okay. Almost like the magical healing that courses through your body is protecting you, but you are noticing as he is tripping out that unfortunately Wayne the Bard is kinda getting a little green in the gills right now, unfortunately. Thank God. However, you have a readied action. Would you like to drop a healing spell on Wayne to alleviate this problem?

Come on, bro.

Yogo wants some milk. Absolutely, 100%.

Roll me a d20 just to make sure you cured him effectively. 16. 16 is enough. Wayne's feeling a lot better after you drop some healing magic on him. Silent Trainwind, well done. That's some good shit.

We just wasted the virus.

That was actually a 19.

Yeah, a tiny bit. You still got some virus left, 100%. Absolutely. A little taste.

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And Greg, that is going to bring us to— what a useless turn.

I feel like we should be getting into some sort of fights or, uh, yeah, we gotta find this spellbook.

Yeah, he is lost. Never— I don't think he ever had the plot.

I mean, we got enemies on the way. What do you mean?

I, I just I sicked an entire tower's worth of goblins.

You just, you just conjured up a hot chick and did some virus. No, that's all you did.

That sounds fucking awesome, number one. Yeah, number two, I also, I also sicked entire army of Frankensteins that are now looking for you, which is— I know once you get that spell book, it's bad for everybody. It's bad for the world if you have this.

Sounds like you're just jealous I'm gonna become a wizard before you.

No, it's just bad if you have the spell book. I think everyone can agree on that.

That's the entire mission.

You should not have the spell book. Spellbook. We— you personally, we should have a spellbook.

Any of us that gets a spellbook, mission accomplished. All right, back to fiction.

It feels like we got— we're at odds here. Can we just all agree that Silent Tradewind is a fucking baby back bitch?

I agree. Okay, I disagree.

You should have done more virus, man. Pussy.

I got some on me. Okay.

So the illusion— Yes. Caused all the people from one tower to go to the second.

They're about to come out, so you know that right after your turn, in fact, a bunch of people are gonna come running out the front door, but also onto the bridge to go after him. We got some Frankenstein's on the way. We also got some living guards. If you were to take up a position at either door, you could ready to start chopping heads off as they come running out, or you could do anything else you want on your turn. You still have one small window before they start showing up. But you don't have to, you can just be like, no, I'll deal with them. You could bust into the main tower, start attacking them, and keep them busy there, or wait for them since you know they're gonna come running out.

I think it's time for action. My subtlety's over. I would like, I'd like to cock my shit back at the door and wait.

Absolutely, are you waiting at the front door on ground level, or are you trying to climb up onto the bridge to protect anyone who's in the outer tower from guards who might come running at them. I like, I like being on the bridge. Absolutely. Roll me an athletic check. Your— oh, never mind, you don't need to roll me an athletic check to get up to there, cuz if you hop on your giant moth, you can ride your giant moth right up onto this bridge automatically. I think I'd rather do that. As you land on the bridge, very classic knight on your mount, you've got your lance, you've got your sword. Which one would you would you like to ready as an attack against any incoming enemies? Do I throw the lance? Ooh, let's see. Oh, good question. No, javelin you throw, lance you stab with. I'll ready the javelin, actually. Ooh, javelin's the least damage of all the attacks.

I will not ready the javelin.

Absolutely, would you like to ready the lance?

I will ready the lance.

Lance deals a lot, and your sword also deals a lot.

What covers the most area?

They all only hit one person, unless you critical hit, hit like almost spear through the people.

Let's go Lance, let's go Lance.

Absolutely, Lance is a great choice. Immediately as you ready the attack, that is when the door flies open and it is an armored woman who emerges. She's got two guards and a Frankenstein behind her and they seem like they are crossing some sort of invisible bridge from like one side of the room to the other. So they're like on no floor, it looks like. But as they throw the door open, She charges right into your lance. This woman has like almost like a broken nose and scars, and she's wearing heavy armor, and she's got a longsword in one hand, a short sword in the other. She is built like a brick shit house, and she looks strong. We're talking like ex-war veteran Marine type warrior here. You can hit her with your lance right now if you would like to.

Is this ex-Marine looking right? Hm? Is she looking right?

Looking good. I will, since you asked, as I do for all the AWLs when they they meet Sidra, the leader of the guard here in the tower. I will roll to see how good she looking today. She's looking so hot. She, on a scale of 1 to 20, is pulling a 19 right now. She looks hot. And I mean, whether that's because that's your type or not, Greg, you certainly know that this strong, muscly lady is looking very good in addition to looking dangerous in combat.

Okay, so I I would— before I pierce her, I'd like to put on an aura of protection.

Your aura protection is running all the time. All the time. You never take it off. You never take off your aura protection.

I would like to.

100%. You come pre-protected. Absolutely.

This is huge for the squad that we found a 19 out of 20 chick. Oh my God. And it was the K guy that found her.

That's a 9.5.

I don't know where that's coming from. I'm straight as an arrow.

You certainly have caught her by surprise with this first attack. Last thing she expected was a knight mounted on a giant moth to be lancing her right now.

Understandable.

But she doesn't hate it either. You can go ahead and roll 2 times on the d20 and take the higher roll. 16. 16 is already gonna be a hit, but roll one more time, see if you crit. 15. 15. So with the 16 plus your bonus, that is certainly enough to hit her armor class of just 17. As you do I will ask, what's the damage on your, uh, slants? Uh, 1d12 3. Absolutely. So d12 is a very funny looking shape of die. It is this one right here with pentagons all over it. This is like the one time it ever gets rolled in the game, is lances. So go ahead and roll that one. 11. 11. You said +3? +3. So 14 damage on Sidra so far. I will also ask are you smiting her with this attack? If you smite her, you will get to deal an additional 3d8s worth of damage against her.

If I smite her now, can I not smite later?

You can— you will have a limited number of smites per day. I think you get like 5. 5 smites a day? Oh, I'll smite this bitch. Level up your Rad career. I wanna smite. You can smite a lot. Absolutely, 100%. Go ahead and roll another 3d8s. Assuming you're using your strongest smite, which is a level 2 smite, you only get 2 of those, and then I think 3 of the lesser smites. 3, 7, 10, 8, 18 more damage is gonna bring her up to 32 damage. She is halfway down now at this point, but it looks like she had somewhere in the 50s worth of hit points. But you get one more attack, Greg, on your turn. Whenever you do an attack action, you're a mighty warrior just like the Barbarian. And you attack twice, so you can do one more attack against her. The issue is she's no longer surprised, so you don't have advantage anymore. If you're gonna take her out, you'll need to hit her and probably smite her one more time. I'll smite her one more time. Absolutely, go ahead and roll one more d20. Her armor's pretty good, though. 5.

5 plus, can I ask what is the attack bonus for your lance? Uh, it is, No, it's not a +12, yeah, that you would need a +12 to hit her.

No, yes, 1d20 +6 to hit her.

I am sorry to say, with a +6, you got an 11, a dirty 11 is not enough to hit. She easily dodges out of the way. She, in fact, it looks cool, grabs the lance and starts trying to force it back, and before you know, your lance is lubed up a little bit by the aura of protection, and she's just sliding along the edge of your lance a little bit. Sick, yeah. Absolutely, and unfortunately, you're trying kind of smile. Are the boys seeing this happen? Are the other boys seeing this happening on the bridge? It's quite obvious. Everyone's seeing it except Erlik, who's underwater. Yeah. And so that is gonna be your turn, Greg. Well done. However, uh, and I guess you have a bonus action. I can't think of any bonus action. You could do a Compelled Duel on her. I think she's gonna fight me anyway. That's exactly what I was thinking. You do not need to, by I mean, she's already fighting you. Yeah. Was there any other thing you might want to do? You could talk to her as a bonus. I have a bonus action of Command My Steed.

Can I just run away?

I mean, yeah, you could take off. No, no, no, I'll stay on the bridge. Get up into the air. I'm gonna end my turn. She also gets one free attack if you retreat. Yeah, I'm not doing it. So yeah, now to be fair, if you use your bonus action to Command Your Steed, I would let your moth try to bite her. I'm gonna hold out. That's totally fair. The moth's Bite is not its most powerful ability, it would be flying. So Greg, good turn, unless you want to use the bonus action to talk to her or something like that. No, no, I think we're past that. Totally fair, 100%. That is gonna bring us to, first of all, Sidra's turn. Sidra is in melee with you. She is gonna make a decision on who she is gonna go after. Unfortunately, we were between now, if anyone who was hoping they would go after Erlik, there's a paladin right between them and the tower, they're focusing on the paladin right now. She is going after you and not your moth. That's good, your moth is a little more vulnerable than you are. She would have done that just to be cruel.

So her first attack with her longsword, that's a cocked die. 13 plus 7, dirty 20 on the die. Can I ask what's your armor class, Greg?

20, plate mail and shield.

Absolutely, that's just barely a hit with her first attack. Oh, minimum damage though. She just cuts you slightly for a total of 4 points of damage. Craig, you have normally 52 hit points, right? So you're at 48 now after the first attack. Second attack is also a hit. She hits you again with her longsword, and she is getting again minimum damage, just 4 damage. You're down to 44. And then just as you think, oh, nobody gets more than 2 attacks, she's not that much higher level than you, then she spins around and uses the short sword to try to get you. She's a two-weapon fighter, I'm sorry to say. With her bonus action, she gets a 19 plus 7, 26, to stab you with her short sword for a total of 7 points of damage this time. That was the nasty attack, and that is gonna bring you down to 37 out of 52 left. Certainly not even halfway dead yet, but you are a little injured. I will see if anyone else can get in a position. Ooh, and then just barely reaching around her, the Frankenstein tries to grab you and pull you off your moth.

Please roll me an Athletics check. Oh, luckily you only need to beat an 8. As long as you get an 8 or higher, you don't get pulled off your moth.

This is on a 20.

6. Absolutely. I'm sorry to say— oh, you roll the 6 on the die though, right? Yeah. Can I ask what's your Athletics bonus? 0. Do you have the Athletics skill? No. I happen to know that your default Strength is +3, so what's your total on that? Are you rolling a 6, you said? Yes. With a 9 total, you just barely, with your Strength I avoid getting pulled over. That is your untrained athletics. I forgot you're not trained in that, but you are still a strong character, 100%. And just to be clear, I said Frankenstein. The Frankenstein's monster, don't me about this, the Frankenstein's monster is trying to pull you off your moth, does not succeed at doing so, but only just barely. In fact, I'd say it's probably still got one arm grabbing onto you right now. He's gonna drag you out of your tent or something. Something like that. And so you are absolutely, Greg, dealing with this threat effectively, and that's what's happening up on the bridge. Meanwhile, on the ground level, we've got 3 thugs who just came running out. The first thug is gonna go after— 1, 2— ooh, assuming Loudtrade, when you're on premises, right?

Yeah, absolutely, they're going after you. I'm sorry to say, you recklessly slapped your friend last turn, so now he gets it advantage on his attack. Oh, that was interesting. A short sword against you, it's gonna be a 13 plus 4 is a 17. Can I ask what's your armor class? Oh, my armor class is— I feel confident I'm hitting you, unfortunately, for 4 points of damage. And that is going to— since we haven't started your first rage yet— 15 is my armor class. So I hit you for 4 damage, bringing you down to 55 out of 59. You're still doing fine. No problem. And then the Next, another thug goes after you. Apparently they saw you go reckless and they thought you were a good target.

I'm like that Spurs fan.

Another hit for 3 more damage, knocks you down. They're rolling good on attacks but bad on damage. Brings you down to 52 now. And then the last person is going after 1, 2, 3, 4, Silent Tradewind. Apparently the Tradewind brothers are tanking right now.

This will be a shame.

And that's gonna be a 17. Can I ask what your armor class, Tradewind? The top center of your shield.

Bitch, my armor class is 19.

19, let's go! Clangs off your armor, no hit. You're wearing heavy, like, chainmail and plate mail and a shield. To be fair, Loud Tradewind is running around mostly naked and just like, just animal skins and like, you know, your own skin is what protects you the most. Very much the Mr. Incredible vibe, but you are absolutely still taking those hits, unfortunately, but only little scrapes of damage. That is gonna bring us to the end of their turn and the beginning of Loud Trainwind's turn.

We gotta find this spellbook. We gotta find this spellbook. I would like to— or how big is Erlik?

Oh, so you are a big strong human barbarian. Erlik is technically a gnome.

Gnomes are not so small. They're like halfling size. And how good is my arm? It's strong arm?

Yeah, you're very athletic. 100%. You have a +6, I want to say, on that.

I appreciate that, Sam. Uh, I would like to pick up Erlik and throw him towards wherever the spellbook may be.

You certainly— well, okay, so what you want to do first is climb up into the tower where Erlik is to get him. So first step would be an Athletics check to climb up onto the bridge. There's no other easy way to get onto the bridge now. Are you going to Rage as a bonus action? If so, you get advantage on all climbing and Athletics checks.

I think I want to keep my Rage for when I throw throw them, right?

You can rage now and then you'll have, uh, the advantage on both checks. Okay, let's rage. Absolutely. You enter your barbarian rage. I'm a +7 on Athletics. Absolutely. Roll me 2 times on the d20 and add +7 to the higher roll. That is a 9.

Absolutely. That is a 7.

9 and a 7. So we said +6, uh, +7 is +7.

You needed a 15 or higher.

With a 16 total, you climb up on onto the bridge, no problem. Now roll me a perception check to see if you can see where Erlik is in the garbage below while Greg is right next to you covering your flank. Okay, and can I ask what's your perception skill bonus if you have one?

I don't have one. Not very—

oh, but I'll let you use survival on this. That's to track him down. Yep. So here's what you found. With a 19 total, you did not find Erlik yet, but you find footprints of Erlik's going down the stairs instead of up the stairs. Incidentally, we didn't address this, but there is a statue of a wizard very dramatically pointing a wand in your direction.

Got it. Can I, can I, can Erlik, can you just say like, hey, here I am?

Yeah, certainly could. Absolutely, you call out, hey, it's not allowed to trade with—

I'm gonna throw you at the spellbook.

Absolutely. So as you go down the stairs, I will just highlight, uh, you are stepping on the rune kind of automatically quickly, but that's when you find out that the statue rises off the ground, says, I am Derlok Koloth and you shall be destroyed! And also it goes pew pew pew pew pew, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you! This is not an actual trap. This statue was merely there to try to scare people away, like a Ring doorbell type situation. It looks like a trap, but you do not need to worry about this wizard statue. It's just an animatronic, basically. And then as you go down, you are able to grab Erlik and start to throw him up up through the center of the tower to get him to ideally the 4th floor. Yeah, Erlik, are you almost going aerodynamic to make him even better at this? Yes, absolutely. Because you're not resisting it, you're going with the flow. I'll let you roll with advantage from rage and then give the rare, coveted, and highly illegal according to the actual rules of D&D double advantage. You can roll 3 times on this loud train wind.

12. 12 so far.

17.

Uh-huh. 4. 17 plus your Athletics bonus of +7 is more than enough. You send Erlik flying up past that statue on the second floor. "I'm gonna getcha," it says as he goes flying by. He crashes through the floor of the third story but doesn't take damage unless you wanted him to take damage. I don't want him to take damage. You do not want him to take damage. He finds like a gap in the floor. That he just breaks through the boards and then continues rocketing through what appears to be a double library. It's almost like there's two libraries, the room is split in half. Dusty library on the left, dusty library on the right, and they have two different names, Derlark Kolat and Alkador Kolat. This is the brothers' old library, you would know, the ones who made Frankenstein monsters and stuff like that. But you also know now, with the information we had gathered, this is not Manshoon's library. Library. You go through this library, crash through the floor, and just roll me a d20. As long as you don't get a 1, you didn't accidentally send him through the magic circle. Well done.

He crashes through the floor, lands in room— floor 4 at the top of the outer tower, and he's next to the magic circle. Immediately, you know, if you do an Arcana check on this magic circle, you'll press the right combination of runes runes open a portal to the pocket dimension where the spellbook is. Let's do it. Okay, absolutely. You know, on your turn you'll be able to do that. However, you are automatically able to tell right now during, uh, Loudtrainwind's turn that you are not alone in this room, Erlik. You see in the rafters, like almost leading up to the conical cavity that is almost like an attic above this room, in the rafters there are things slithering around above you, and you think you see one of them rear up, it's a snake, and spread wings, it's a flying snake, and there's more and more of them starting to gather around. I'll let you do one dice roll to see if you're noticing anything else.

Also, does it still smell really bad from the garbage?

Yes, very much so, 100%. It's not clear what they were throwing down there. Oh. What'd you get?

I got a, well, is this a 1 or a 10? It's a 1.

Okay.

Next to it. Well, I don't know, the last one I rolled I got a 4, but I thought it was actually a 14.

Yeah, it's a 1. With a natural 1, I'm sorry to say something bad has to happen to you. And that is when suddenly you see arcing down from the rafters a beam of energy. I am going to ask you to please roll me a d20 to see if something happens here. Come on. 5. How'd you do? Ooh, a beam of white energy arcs down from the rafters and hits Erlik. I would say the only person seeing this is Loud Trainwind right now. You can see him standing, like, through the hole to the 4th floor. He's standing there like, "Aha, there's the magic circle." The white beam hits him. There's the magic— He's frozen in place, paralyzed in that room as the snakes slither closer, and you did not get a good look at what fired that beam of energy in his direction. That is Uh, your bonus action was raging, your move was getting down there, your action would have been tossing him up, but I would only count that as one of your attacks. Loudtrainwind, if you would like to scale the steps—

Yeah, I'd like to just jump. I'm just so strong, I'd like to just jump through the hole that he made and I'll just hang out with my boy.

Roll me one Athletics check to jump. If you roll well, then you still have an attack. 17. 17 is— that's enough already. You can roll one more time to see if you— no, honestly, take I take it, 100%. So you jump all the way to land right next to the paralyzed Erlik, and now you can see above a creature that looks like this. Oh, fuck. What you had mistaken for another fifth snake, there's like 4 flying snakes up here in the rafters. There is also a creature that you thought was a snake, but it was just one of its eye stalks. This is a creature called a spectator, a lesser version of a much more dangerous monster called a beholder. Older. Luckily this thing doesn't have 10 eyes, it only gets 4, but each of these eye stalks fires a different magical ability. You got hit by the white beam, that was the paralysis beam. He's got 3 different things he can do, and the center eye does something. You might know with your good Arcana what the center eye and what the other eyes do, but you can't communicate it right now, Rogue, so I'm not even gonna have you roll right now.

You got one more attack, loud train wind, if you want to go after either this creature or one of the snakes. He's not wearing glasses, right?

He's not. No, no, I'd like to— I'd like to use my big strong titties in his face. Absolutely.

So it sounds like you're not attacking with your weapon, you're trying to almost smother him. I want to squish him. Roll me an Athletics check to squish this guy. He's like a big Pac-Man floating in the air with a big mouth and a center eye above his, uh, mm, let's see, uh, 9 plus— I'm sorry, you roll 2 times and take the higher number.

Okay, one for each breast. Mm-hmm.

4. 4. So we'll take the 9 plus 7 is a 16. If he can get a 16 or higher, he will avoid getting smothered. With a +2, that's only a 13. You begin to smother. He's got a big mouth and you've got both of your powerful breasts upon it. Yeah, you are smothering. He is a giant mouth. He's trying to bite, but he can't do it easily, but he's gonna try to bite on you. You maybe on his next turn. I will roll to see when this guy's gonna go. Oh, critical hit! Not that that matters at all. He is gonna go at the beginning of the next initiative. No problem. But that is your turn, loud train wind. That's gonna bring us to Erlik now.

I feel like we got somewhere.

I'm sorry to say you're paralyzed right now, but you get to end your turn rolling a saving throw to try to break free of the paralysis. If you roll really well, I'll give you some of your turn to do whatever you 3. I'm sorry to say you remain paralyzed, Erlich. And so, and to your credit, paralysis is largely controversial in the game of D&D. It's like, so I don't get to do anything? It does fucking suck. I apologize, but I think it's— No, you don't. It's a tough game.

So, Tim, I forgot to say one thing about my turn. When I jumped up, I dropped a bunch of ropes for all my boys.

Hey, I love that. 100%. So my guys can climb up. 100%. I love it. That is a legal retcon. I will allow 100%. So that is going to bring us from Erlich's turn to Silent Trainwind now.

This is bullshit. D&D in Tim Woods is brought to you by José Cuervo. When Cuervo enters, every moment just gets better. You find yourself in the center of the dance floor. You can't help but stand up and high-five those around you at the game. And the room reacts like it just got the same text at the same time. You stop checking the time and suddenly small talk escalates to laughing so hard that you can barely catch your breath. That's the Cuervo Effect. Signal everybody understands, a moment that anyone can join, and a good time that just grows. All you have to do is keep it Cuervo. Now more D&D.

Is there a possibility to wear—

Dude, get up here!

I could hit the rope, right?

You could climb the rope or attack the rope.

Just make it— oh, we're using the rope to get—

yeah, you can either climb up the stairs or climb up the rope to get to the top floor of the outer tower.

That's not an issue. Grab the boys too. Everybody's coming, right?

We're hitting—

yeah, so that way they don't have to get up there.

I'm on that bridge. Yes, I'm gonna say the rope dangled all the way down to the ground floor, so it's like now you don't have to worry about the bridge anymore. You grab them all. You, you, you down to climb?

Yeah, we're like possums.

Yeah, thank you for asking.

Yeah, let's take that. If you guys can still take that trip.

Yeah, so if you're helping carry all 3 people up, I'd like you to roll 3 times. As long as you don't get a 1 on any of these, everybody gets up okay. How do we do, Zach?

There's a 1.

Okay, so, so Zach, you tell everyone to kind of climb on your back like possums, kind of, and you start to climb, and within Within a few seconds of getting halfway to the bridge, the rope breaks. The— no, actually, sorry, that's a 1. That has to be the worst possible outcome. You made it, okay. You climb up onto the bridge, no problem. You keep climbing the rope, and as you're all about to pull yourself up into the 4th floor, that's when the rope breaks, and you are about to fall 3 stories into the garbage pit below. Oh, Zach. Yes, you roll one dexterity saving throw to grab on.

Take the fucking drugs, dude. Make yourself superhuman. That's what plague does.

7. Take— 7 is not the number I was looking for.

D8. Hm? You rolled an 8, right?

Or 12? What did you roll?

That might have been incorrect dice. 20.

Yeah, he rolled the wrong dice. I'm sorry, when you got the 1, was that the d20? Yeah, was the D20. Okay, yeah, do be like that. There certainly was. So roll me another D20. You're adding your Dexterity, which is a -1 on this, but let's see. 3. 3 is not enough, I'm sorry to say. You're pinwheeling your arms trying to grab on to something, anything. Can he take the drugs?

Can he take the PCP?

Yeah, I'm— I, I— if you want to take drugs to try to make— be better at this, I'll let you roll to see if the drugs help with this, but it I don't think the deadly virus is necessarily going to help you grab on better, unfortunately.

This other half didn't test too well, so absolutely.

It's my bonus action.

Hey, that's my bonus. Now what I will say is you're about to plummet down to, to the ground below. I'll give the other two people who are on your back their own roll, but you guys really got to get like a very high roll to not end up in the garbage pit with Silent Trainwind.

Yeah, falling 3 stories onto into a needle filled with plague is bad?

Actually, yes, 100%. I did not even think of that. Goddamn it. 9 is not enough, and Greg, it sounds like you were climbing up as well. To be fair, your moth wouldn't fit through the door, so you kind of— I rolled a 4. A 4, both, all of you are falling down. Then everyone just, who's landing on the ground, just roll me one more d20. As long as you don't get a 1, you don't land on the needle. I'll roll the damage. Shock die. 15. 8. Okay. Ooh, not a bad damage roll.

What did you roll there? 2. 2.

You notice the needle was poked into your body, but the plunger didn't go through, so you didn't get injected, luckily. Everybody who just took a tumble there just took 11 points of damage. Oh, look at me. This is your fault. That's gonna bring Greg down to 27. 6 left. It's going to bring Silent Trainwind down to 28 out of 39. And then Wayne, you took 11, you're down to 40 out of 51 now. So everyone's a little injured. And that is, uh, sorry, that was right after, um, uh, Loud Trainwind had gone, Erlich had gone, and that was Silent Trainwind.

I told you this guy was a bitch. I warned you.

It's not good. Yeah. Now you need the rest of your movement to stand up in the garbage and you're not dead, but you are badly injured. You could do a healing spell if you wanted to as your action. You could also try to climb up to the top floor again with your action.

Uh, can I heal the guys? You can, 100%. Yeah, I would like to heal the guys.

Absolutely, I'm gonna let you do a 3rd-level group healing spell. That is going to be, I believe, 1d8 that you roll, and everybody gets that much back. 1d8 plus 3, plus 4, actually.

So 6 and 4, so 10.

10, everybody's getting 10 hit points back, 100%. So Greg's at 36 now. Silent Trainwind, you are at 38. Thank you, Esty. And 10 back to Wayne is gonna bring him up to 50. Upstairs, Erlich is not injured at all, and I would say that spell could have just barely reached Loud Trainwind if you wanted to heal him back up to full. Would you like to do so?

Uh, yes, absolutely.

Everybody healed, and that would be the end of your turn then, Silent Trainwind. Well done. Wayne, we are back to you. What would you like to do?

Okay, I'd like to go up to this, uh, the, the library area. Yeah, where the spellbook is. Yep. And there's a bunch of snakes up there. Yeah. Yes. So I'd like to do Fireball and try to destroy every snake there.

Okay, so with a Fireball, you will get every single snake, no problem. The snakes are in melee anybody. There also is the Spectator, the eyeball monster. You can catch him in the blast, but only if you are also willing to hit Erlich and Loud Trainwind. I'm willing to do that. Yeah, absolutely, 100%. Hard decision. Your Fireball is going to be—

well, I'm frozen, so this will—

this will— this is going to mean that he's automatically taking the full damage, no saving throw.

I thought he was dead.

Do you think you're literally frozen like in ice?

Yeah, not like in ice, but frozen like this. Like you can't even protect your face or anything. If someone hits you in melee, they're just like clobbering you right in the face. Melt him.

Yeah, I walked up there, I saw he wasn't moving, I assumed he was dead, so I'm like, I might as well take him out too. Absolutely incidental.

You can kind of like get up into that third floor library looking up into the top floor, launch a fireball, you'll be safe, but everybody in that room is about to get cooked. You don't roll a d20. Instead, you roll 8 d6s and add them together, and that's how much damage everybody's taking. The snakes are all—

ooh, 2, 3, 4, 6, uh, 15, 3, 18, talk of the motherfucker, 2.

20. 1. 21. A lot of rolls. 1. 22. Not great. So that was definitely 8 there. I think so. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Yeah, I think that is right. Yeah, not a big deal, but at the same time, can I ask, um, yeah, so you would have a charisma— let's see, no, they would need a 16. The snakes rolled a 15. Every one of the snakes is cooked by the 22 points of damage. Congratulations. Snakes killed. Poisonous snakes are now dead. Well done.

What the hell was he talking about?

Well, you were also in the room, so the fireball hit you too.

Oh, that's fine. I have so much fucking armor, dude.

Hank's paralyzed, so he can't defend himself against it. That's why. Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah. Uh, the spectator eyeball monster, critical hit. Critical hit. And so there's only one quarter damage, I'm sorry to say. For all that trouble, he's taking 5 points points of damage. You can tell he has over 30 left.

Okay.

And then Hank, you take 22 points of damage from that fireball. That is going to knock you down from the full hit points— you were at 45 full hit points, you are now down to 23. Sorry, I didn't see there. Uh, now, uh, I am gonna need Loud Trainwind to also please roll. Oh yeah, 2 times, because you get advantage thanks to something called Danger Sense. Okay.

8, 13, 13.

Okay, the number that you needed to beat was his number of 16. You have a +2 to your Dexterity modifier. That's all right. Um, and you don't have training. Yeah, so it would unfortunately just barely be the full 22 fire damage. That's fucking fire. Rage doesn't protect you from it, but you were at full hit points. Thank Healing from Silent Train when you're half-brother, 100%.

Absolutely. Yeah, heal the boys. Yeah, everybody took some damage, so, you know, appreciate it. As a support, you got to heal a little bit.

Can I bestow a curse as my other action?

Ooh, um, I'm allowing it 100%. Who do you want to put a curse upon?

I'd like to make it so that Erlik can't read.

Uh, yeah, absolutely.

So even if he gets the spellbook, he can't use it ever.

Erlik, roll me a wisdom saving throw or a charisma saving throw. Saving throw to, uh, try to avoid this attack. Roll me 1d20. 5. You are currently illiterate, I'm sorry to say, until a cleric casts Remove Curse upon you. 100%, absolutely.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, and that will bring us from Wayne's turn to Greg the Paladin's. That's your Hellish Rebuke. Uh, oh, um, technically that's when you Good call, actually. Paralyzed first and foremost. Secondly, it has to be an attack that deals damage to you where you get to Hellish Rebuke them. But otherwise, great memory there.

I forgot what those words mean, unfortunately. How are you reading your paper?

I just knew that. What paper?

You know, Hank, I forgot you had Hellish Rebuke. Would you have liked to Hellish Rebuke that eyeball monster when it paralyzed you? I would let you roll to see if you pulled it off before you got paralyzed. Of course. Roll me 1d20. If you get an 11 or higher, you pulled before. 10. Ah, still pretty good. Brutal. It's good, it's a good roll, good roll, but not as good. That will bring us then to Greg's turn. Greg, I'm sorry to say you landed at the bottom of the water, but then you got healed back up to 36, currently at a 52. What would you like to do?

I don't know why I agreed to hop on the rope when I was on a flying moth.

And so here's the thing, I did think of that too. But the moth wouldn't have fit in the door. Unfortunately, it's too big, like a horse-sized moth.

So how can I get up there with everybody?

Right now you could try to climb up the rope or the stairs with a roll, basically. Yeah, I'll take the stairs. Absolutely. I, I didn't want to say it, but there were stairs the whole time. It do be like that. To be fair, throwing got him there quicker, so can't argue with that. Uh, 20. D20. D20. And you add your +3 Athletics. 17. 17. A dirty 20 is gonna make it. So I'm going up the stairs really well.

Well, was that— I'm like very nimbly going up the stairs.

Yeah, absolutely, you're making the full distance. You jump, in fact, with a 20 or higher, I will give you advantage on the first attack roll against anybody you attack here. The eyeball monster still has over 30 hit points left. I think we hit him. Absolutely, what weapon would you like to use on the Spectator? My longsword, please. Absolutely, longsword is a great choice. Roll me a d20, I believe +6. Now if I cut off one of the tentacles like that has the paralyzing eye, does that unparalyze I would say if you either kill him or, no one's ever suggested that before, chop off the paralyzing eye, totally would free your teammate. Roll me a knowledge check to see if you know which one is the paralyzing eye. 7. 7, I'm sorry to say you're aiming for the wrong one, it's the whispering eye instead. I'm sorry to say. Oh, nice.

Yeah, I would like to aim for that thing.

Absolutely, go ahead and roll a d20 plus, I think, 6. 6 to see if you can hit with your longsword. 9. 9. Okay, 9 plus 6, the armor class of this guy is 14. A 15 still hits him. Go ahead and tell me before you even roll your damage, would you like to do another, your second powerful Smite against this monster?

Tim, I'd like to use my second Smite. Absolutely.

Please roll 4d8s, add them all up, and then we'll add, I believe, +3. 1, 1, 2, 6, 7, 3. 3, okay, so that's 17 plus another 3, 20 damage in all against this spectator is gonna bring him up to 25 damage, so he has exactly 13 left at this point. You have done your first attack, you definitely got up here in time to do your second attack. I don't think I gave you advantage on that first attack, attack.

So I—

if you want to do a second attack against the Spectator, I'll give you advantage on that one.

Are there no more snakes?

There are no more snakes, they got barbecued by the fireball. Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll do the second attack. Roll me 2d20s this time. 11, already a hit. 12. 12, you are hitting him again. Now he's got exactly 13 left. Your sword only deals 1d8 plus 3, but you're out of your higher level smites. If you use a lesser smite, you would get 3d8 3 damage against this guy. You want to go for the Lesser Smite, or—

I'd only have 1 left after that.

You would have actually only 1 left after that because one of the smites was your casting, um, Compel Duel.

So I want to sit on the smites.

Okay, you're sitting on the smites. Roll 1d8 plus 3 damage against this guy. He's got 13 left.

8.

8 plus 3 is 11 more damage, brings him down to just 2 hit points left. Greg, uh, you had Bardic Inspiration, but it couldn't help you because you already hit with all of your attacks. Anything with your bonus action? He's almost dead. Unfortunately, this spectator is going next.

Uh, can the paralyzed speak, or is it their body?

Sorry, is the paral— Great question. No, you cannot talk while paralyzed. Um, no, I'm done. You didn't— When you did that second attack, I rolled to see if you got the right eye. It did not, uh, for free him, unfortunately. Okay, I'm done. Okay, absolutely. That is gonna bring us to the Spectator at this point. This eyeball monster starts looking around, and first of all is going to pick who to fire his orange beam at. Well, not Erlik again, you're paralyzed, so he's gonna pick somebody else. Let's see, actually there's only 4 options, so okay. I am sorry to say that right now he is firing an orange beam of energy at you, Loudtrainwind. Please roll me a d20. As long as you can get a 13 or higher, you're fine. A 3. 3 is not enough. You immediately fall under the confusion effect, and suddenly you realize everyone around you is an enemy. Oh no, you are going to attack someone random on your turn unless we free you from this confusion, and you you go next, is the bad news. Then he fires a second beam at someone here. We'll be shitting. And that's gonna be 1, 2, 3.

To be fair, I guess he's firing it down through the hole in the floor at Silent Trainwind. There's a black beam of energy coming your way. Silent Trainwind, please roll me a d20 to see if you can avoid it. It's a 5. 5, I'm sorry to say you get hit by the withering beam, I think it is called, and I guess Yes, it's the Whispering Bee. And you are getting, ugh, bad start. Okay, not so bad. 10 damage so far. 14 damage as your skin sort of withers up a little bit. 14 damage is gonna take Silent Trainwind down to 24 hit points left. But that's the end of the Spectator's turn. Loud Trainwind, please roll me a d, let's see, there's one other enemy in the room. Roll me a d6 and reroll it if you get a 6. There's 5 possible enemies you could hit here. 1 is Erlich, 2 is Wayne, 3 is, uh, actually Silent Trainwind isn't up here right now, so apologies. Roll me the d4, the 4-sided die.

I would like to potentially hit Silent Trainwind.

Oh, okay, never mind, then roll a d6.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Wait, hold on.

Is that your stomach?

By the way, if we don't finish this today, we're— Tim is actually coming to camp. What? Yeah. So we'll be able to create news. Breaking news. Breaking news. Very excited. Breaking news. Tim is coming to camp and Tiago Splitter has been hired as the Bullseye coach.

I will also say my start in Dungeons and Dragons was like at Boy Scout summer camp, so this will be like a return homecoming kind of for me, it feels like. Where's the 6? So the D6 is the cubic die, just your regular dice, basically.

I'm an idiot. No worries. No, so what number is he, uh, right now?

You are hoping if you want to hit him— 1, 2, 3 is the number. 2. I'm sorry to say, Wayne suddenly looks monstrous to you. You feel incredibly like you want to attack Wayne. Please roll me 2d20s. I'm gonna say you're going reckless against Wayne. Sorry, Wayne.

Yeah, it's all right.

If anyone you should blame— 16— you should blame Prince Greg. Okay, why Prince You put me in this mood, dude.

I did this?

Yeah, why? You fucking— the guy hit me and then I lost my mind and started going reckless. Is that not what's happening? Right, but the eyeball monster hit me. I was small.

You're lashing out at everybody now. Who do you have left in your corner? Can I—

all right, I've— I rolled a 16. Can I please do a re-roll on who I'm attacking? Uh, yes.

Okay, um, roll me a d20 first if you If you roll well on the d20, you get a reroll on this. You're almost like trying to suss out who the most dangerous—

take down Prince Greg.

Absolutely. 10. 10, that is enough for you. So what is Prince Greg? Uh, 3, uh, is— oh, sorry, 4 would be Prince Greg.

2, 3, 4, 1. Okay, got it. 2 again. Shit. I'm sorry.

And how'd you do on the d20 attack against 16? 16, that's a hit. Your damage is 2d6 plus 8 with your magic ax. Go and roll 2d6 plus 8 damage. 2, 3, 3, 5 plus 8, 13 damage against Wayne. Not ideal, is going to bring him down.

Thanks a lot, Prince Greg.

2, 37. This thing is attacking regardless.

Absolutely squishing with my titties.

You do get 2 attacks. Max, I will let you now roll another d6 to see who the target of your second attack is.

He's gonna attack me again here.

6. That we don't have.

We re-roll that. Exactly right. 4. 4 is Prince Greg. Damn, you are attacking right now. Please roll 2 d20s. You should have done this.

5.

So 19. 19 is a solid hit for another 2d6 plus 8 damage against—

uh, I just want on the record, I'm not trying I know you were hit with the orange beam of energy. I got out of control.

What am I doing now?

2d6 plus 8 damage against Greg. 2, 5. 5, so that's 7 plus 8, 15 damage on Greg. He's going to knock him down to 21 left. And after those 2 attacks, that brings us to Erlik's turn. Erlik, please roll me a d20. If you roll well, you'll break free at the end of your turn. If you roll really well, you'll get your turn. I can't, what's it say?

11. 2, 1 more? Yeah.

Yeah, I'd say so, it's wearing off at this point, this guy's getting injured. 13. 13, 13 is enough that you break free and have just enough of an action to do 1 minor action. The bad news is that can't be an attack. It can be a skill check, including an arcana check if you wanted to try to open the portal while we are dealing with the last of the enemies here to get the spellbook. Let's do investigation. Okay, you're to look around for—

Can we talk to the scary snake?

The snakes are all dead, unfortunately. You could ask the spectator. That would be a persuasion or better yet intimidation check. Okay. You would have advantage because he's down to 2 hit points left. The spectator scared of us, and he's getting smothered by some big powerful breasts. So you are absolutely able to roll 2 times. You know what, I really wasn't giving you credit for having smothered him. Roll 3 times on this right now. Absolutely. 8, 8, uh, 6, 6, 5. Uh, 8 plus— what's your— do you have intimidation plus 6, 14, let me see, that might be enough. I'm sorry to say, this spectator is not getting scared of you right now, Erlik, unfortunately. Silent Trainwind's turn now. Dang. Silent Trainwind, to be fair, this spectator's almost dead, and you could try a religion skill check to open up the portal rift, but you're not very good at that.

I would like to think about maybe doing that, Uh, I would, if possible, I'd like to get rid of the rest of this, uh, this plague in my pocket real quick before we continue. I don't want any mishaps. Would you be cool with me just maybe like just injecting like the, the nearest wolf wandering around with the rest of this plague?

There were enemies still trying to break into this tower, and I imagine we kind of shut the door behind us. You can inject those enemies, or you could run up and inject the spectator with the plague.

Yeah, I'd like to just toss this plague into the woods. Hopefully a wolf finds it.

Absolutely, 100%. So you just want to toss it out into the wilderness. Roll me 1d20 to make sure it gets out and spreads.

That's a 5.

Uh, with a 5, um, some rat eats it and then starts moving through the city. Oh no, it's not going out into the wilderness, it's going out into the city. This isn't good. It's the worst plague, right? Throughout the city. I'd say that was your bonus action. Anything you want to do with your action?

Is there a chance that that rat bites a wolf in the near future?

Yeah, roll to see. You're like almost trying to guide the rat.

You really want Wants to create a super wolf, then if that's okay.

How do we do— wait, you know what, roll 2 times and take the higher number.

So higher number would be 6.

6. Uh, there's a wolf who's getting bit, but it's just getting sickly and stuff. But if you find it, you might be able to get this wolf evolved into a super wolf.

Why do you want a super wolf so bad?

Just have any to do with the fact that I was raised by wolves because of our bitch mother.

Yeah, and who knows, this plague might just take out any wolf around.

That's not good. God, that's a family somewhere. I didn't really think about that.

That's unfortunate.

Uh, you— I would hate for us to lose all the wolves in this room. You do know the wolf who got infected and is like almost like withering up now is a member of the family who raised him.

That's super unfortunate. That's more my brother than you.

That's super unfortunate that some of your family members are going to wither from a plague. I didn't mean to do that.

Got it. Absolutely. Oh, sorry, um, Silent Trainwound, I forgot you had Bardic Inspiration. Would you like to roll a d6 and add it on to that roll? See if, uh, maybe the wolf is— anything else is happening to the wolf with a 4 or higher on the d6. That's a 1. No, okay, no, no further notes. Uh, and that will bring us to Wayne's turn.

Yeah, I want— I want to go get the spellbook.

I want to answer the riddles.

I want to like get into the thing.

So Wayne, if you You run up the stairs, just roll a d20, and as long as you get a 1, you're pretty much up there. Taking the stairs, I imagine. It's a— 18. 18, you easily climb up to the top floor. You see the Spectator with its last 2 hit points being smothered and wailed upon. You could do something to that, or just focus on opening up the spellbook.

I wanna focus, let's get the spellbook.

What's your arcana bonus?

Arcana bonus is +4.

4, roll me a d20 +4. It's a 16. 16 plus 4 is a dirty 20, and that is the exact number you needed. You pressed the right combination of runes. This rift opens, not a portal big enough to step through, but more like a VCR opening where you see this rectangle of just empty starry space appear. A floating table with a black grimoire upon this table, a massive spellbook of great, incredible power. That you could reach out and claim right now if you wanted to.

I would love to claim the Book of Immense Power, too.

Absolutely, you're not doing anything with your action before you do that, is that right?

That's a good question.

Always fun when the DMs ask a question like that.

That is an interesting question for you to ask me at this moment.

What was the question? You could look around for any other danger or something like that, and you could make another arcana check to see if your arcana tells you about any danger. What was the question? Just wondering if he does anything before reaching out. Reaching for the book. Okay, we don't know why I would ask a question like that.

Rowback question. rhoback.com, promo code TAKE, 20% off first purchase. Q-zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts. Wayne, would you like to do anything before you get to the book?

I think I'm strongly advised to do an Arcana check. You certainly could see what's going on here. Absolutely. Okay, d20. Mm-hmm. That is a 10.

10 is enough that you notice runes around the edge of the table, but with a 10 4 of 14. It's not powerful magic, and you know it's not a trap that's gonna hurt you in any way. In fact, you can't really tell exactly what these runes are gonna do, but they're between you and reaching for the book. So if you reach for the book, your hand will pass over the runes and something will happen, but it won't hurt you, you don't think.

Not gonna hurt me.

Absolutely. So you don't know exactly what. Do you reach for the book anyway and take it now as the end of your turn?

I'm gonna reach for this book, Tim.

Absolutely. As you reach for the book, you are able to grab the book Take it, and now you have the power to become a great wizard like Lord Manshoon. However, the runes begin to beep beep light up like an alarm. Suddenly the magic circle begins to manifest. So you deleted it. And Greg, anything you want to do in the single turn we get before this teleportation circle is gonna do something. No thanks. No, that's reasonable, whatever you wanna say. Suddenly, we see in the middle of the teleportation circle, the rift shut, and an individual begin to appear. Oh! Stepping through a portal of their own, Manshoon arrives and looks around this room like a massive, powerful shredder. He looks around, no nonsense, and I would like, well, I'm gonna roll to see if he knows With a critical hit, he suddenly says, "Who are all of you? Wait a minute, I know one of you. What are you doing here, Loud Tradewind?" Oh, fuck. "My son," he says. I am your father. No way. And I left you to get raised by wolves. I see you have returned once again, the prodigal son who I cast out.

What? Do you say anything to Manshoon, or should we end right here?

I think this is a perfect ending.

Can't get to a more dynamite ending than that.

Oh my god. But if I were to say anything, it would be like, yeah, I am your son. Let's team up and kill that fucking bitch half-brother that I have.

He reaches out to you and he says, I knew of your half-brother, and he is my enemy. Join me, and together we will rule the city of Waterdeep. Do you accept? I accept. Absolutely. And we'll see how that goes then. Yeah, in our next game. 100%.

No, and we'll do it. Yeah, we'll do like a mini episode at Barstool Camp.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Did you know the whole time?

No, I had no idea.

Oh, this is my little surprise. Good thing you took down that wolf, you Absolutely.

And if there's anything I would have to say, it was that Mom didn't talk about you much, so I completely forgot that you were raised by wolves. Unfortunately, I would like to say sorry. All the— all the wolves that cared about you are dead. They're so dead.

Let me actually make a note of that. The wolves are all dead.

Sorry to infect your loved ones with the plague. I didn't mean to do that.

Yeah, absolutely.

That was nice, Tim. That was incredible. Thank you so much.

I'm very excited to come to Barstool Camp. That's gonna be so much fun. Yes. And I will just say, I am going to be at Gen Con this summer in Indianapolis at the beginning of August. You can sign up for my games there. And for the first time, I'm gonna be running a meet and greet at Kilroy's Bar just down the block. Um, uh, the guy at Kilroy's, Jacob, is a big AWL. I came over last year and he like put us up and like gave us food and everything. He's the most wonderful guy. We're gonna do a meet and greet with the fans there and I'm gonna be doing for the first time a miniature paint and take. I'm really bad at painting miniatures, but if you want to come and paint bad miniatures with me, I'm gonna be doing that at Gen Con as well. And of course, as I mentioned last time, I'm doing the cruise in October. There are still tickets to my table. I'm gonna be running the Fallout RPG, actually, because I'm a big fan of the video game Fallout, and I like to do stuff other than D&D.

So if you're interested in Fallout, we're gonna be going to Alaska on the cruise, and Fallout's like important to the Fallout setting, so So I'm kind of doing a little bit of a different non-D&D game. That's awesome. Absolutely. Tim, you're the best.

We can't wait for Barstool Camp.

Absolutely. Looking forward to it more than anything. Yes, that's going to be a lot of fun.

Okay, last one. Sending you into the Fourth of July weekend. Chill week next week. Get excited. Numbers. 77. 50. 8. 4. 95.

15. 69. 31. For the amount of runs of the 11.

Oh, uh, last week you mean?

Yeah, for my last week.

I thought about doing 15 for that reason, but I thought I'd do it.

95. Shane! Shane! Let's go, Shane!

Puna!

Shout out Puna! All right, how about that?

Is that Is that your first one on the new machine?

Yeah, it is. Oh wow.

Congrats, Shane. Wow. Thank you.

So who has not gotten it on the new machine? Me and Memes. Memes?

I thought you got it, PFT. Colton.

No, not in the new one. It didn't really count when I got it.

Is that it? Memes, PFT, and Colton? Memes got it.

I mean, no.

PFT got it. No. I also got it.

Me and PFT got it the same way.

Got it. No.

Mine was a Mickey Mouse. I'm not even trying to claim— Memes tries to claim his and it's very sad.

What was the Mickey Mouse? Memes. It wasn't real.

It wasn't real. It was just the second.

It was the second I said this doesn't count.

Well, you were like, it would be sad if you claimed it.

Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, it wasn't like— yeah, sure, I'll get it. It wasn't an official one. He said it wasn't an official at the time, so he does not get to count. Yeah, but it came up. No, it doesn't. But it doesn't count. So it's down to Memes, Colton, and PFT. I can't lose to these two. Wow. And then—

and we know this machine's ripping.

Yeah, but if we know, I think we got to stop doing two because that's probably part of it.

The machine is ripping, man. It's a fair point.

Yeah, but if we know— but also if we know how the machine works, the next one's gonna— or the last one is gonna take like another year, I hope.

Yeah, what are we gonna—

you can't afford to get another machine. Listen, I've had—

I've had such good luck with lotto ball machines this year that I can't complain. It's true. I got the one that counted.

You didn't get this one. Love you guys.

Happy birthday, America. Happy birthday, Josh McCown. Happy birthday, Tom Cruise, in that movie where, you know, you know.