Transcript of Clawing Back From the Bottom with Bryan Blackmon New

Hey, hey friends, so welcome back to another episode of Notes from the Edge. I am your host Lisa Lacey, and this is the place where we talk about the things we should have been talking about all along. Guess what? You ain't talking about it, but we're gonna. And today's guest is Brian Blackman. Brian is a recovery advocate, and Brian, my husband and I are celebrating 8 years of sobriety together. So excited about discussing it with you. Yeah, he's also a transformational coach, which we love in here, digital creator, and founder of Crab Crew Life, a growing community centered on sobriety, resilience, accountability, adaptability, and second chances. My friends, it's never too late. I don't care where you're at. After leaving Texas for California, Brian experienced homelessness, addiction, and the painful unraveling of a life he imagined for himself. His turning point came when his landlord Elaine chose to stand beside him while he fought to become sober, and it was her belief in him that became a bridge for him into becoming who he is today. And he now shares his recovery journey publicly using storytelling, daily routines, candid conversations— which, that's why we have this podcast— digital community to remind others that redemption is not one single moment, it is a daily practice.

And through his community and Crab Crew Life, he speaks to people who feel trapped in physical or emotional survival and shows them that no matter how deep that hole feels, there's always a way to claw your way out. Brian, welcome to Notes from the Edge, my friend. How you doing today?

I'm wonderful, thank you so much. That was quite an amazing introduction. Thank you so much.

I give good notes. It's weird when somebody else does it for you, isn't it?

It really is. It, it, it, uh, you know, it makes me smile. I'm very grateful for it.

Good, good, good, good. Well, I'm, I'm glad you enjoyed that because it was all you.

It came from your stuff. So yes, ma'am, know that that's you. So identity, we do talk about identity a lot in here because I believe a lot of us are living identities that aren't really us. So identity beneath the addiction, before you became sober, who did you think you were and what parts of you were, um, performing?

I think most of me was somebody that I, I truly didn't know. I, I started drinking and, and doing drugs at such a young age that it constantly kept me in a, in a, in a world, in a lifestyle of just masking everything that I, that I knew or, or didn't even want to know, possibly.

You know, that's a valid point, that sometimes we're running from the things that we don't want to know. Right?

Yeah.

Like, I, I hid in a bottle for 20 years running from emotions and trauma and things that happened that I didn't want to turn and face. But the fascinating thing is, and I want everybody that's listening to hear this, is when you finally turn and face all that stuff, it's actually not that bad.

It's a very valid point as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, there was a lot of stuff that I, I enjoy— I've always enjoyed life. I've always loved being the quote-unquote class clown. I was always rebellious. I always like to push those buttons, you know. I, I was always putting myself out front, you know. There was a lot of it that I just didn't feel comfortable with. Everything was chaotic. My emotions, the internal struggle of just being comfortable. Like I was always just, eh, you know, and it was overpowering. Life was.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's an interesting experience that happens in sobriety when you start liking who you are as a person. Amazing things happen.

Imagine that.

Yeah, you're not like waking up with hangovers of self-hatred going, what'd I do? Where's my car?

You know?

Yeah, all of those.

Had all of those, that's for sure.

Yeah.

So when you start digging who you are as a human and can sit with yourself comfortably and enjoy your own company When did that start happening for you along your journey?

It gets easier and more apparent every day.

Beautiful.

It—

once, once I got my, my thoughts back and start— and started pulling the, the lies and the weeds and the chaos that I've been telling myself for so many years which happened probably— it was at least a year into my sobriety before I could start even really beginning to take a look at that information.

Yeah, and think clear enough to, to gain some clarity around it. And you just brought up something I want to circle back to. I love this visual of having weeds in our head, right? We do. So we've got to pull them, right? We've got to pull them at the root.

Yeah, otherwise they just come right back.

Yeah, yeah, I love that.

Not only pull the weeds, I had to spray bug killer on them and weed killer and everything else.

Yeah, yeah, I had so many— just, I was so disordered. I had so many disorders. I went into inpatient rehab thinking I had a bad marriage and a slight drinking problem, and I came out with a chart this thick. I was like, oh hell, I got more problems than I thought. And then, um, I've always been a healthcare consultant, so I was very successful in business, but my personal life was a hot mess. And I'm on the plane back from rehab, and I, I get to the last page of my chart, and it says prognosis for recovery: poor to none due to lack of familial support. So I was like, how the hell am I gonna do this? Like, they counted me out.

And I think sometimes those of us who have been counted out fight a little harder for it. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Oh, it makes perfect sense. Yeah, I was counted out, you know, most of my life. People have been telling me, Brian, if you would just get sober, if you would just stop, you could do something so great with your life. Beyond that, I, I, I I think if they were 100% honest, by the time that I was in my 40s and still living this lifestyle, um, they would have counted me out. And even my own mother and my family maybe have had this, this same, like, I don't know if he's ever, you know, gonna change. I don't know that, that— not that he wasn't capable, that was never a thought, but is he ever going to come to the conclusion that that's what he needs to do for himself? Yeah, yeah, I think that was probably gone in a lot of people's heads.

Yeah, yeah. And I think that's incentive for us sometimes. So the power of being believed in— I think this is so beautiful because you had a landlord named Elaine and she showed up for you. Kind of tell us a little bit about that story.

Well, I was making my rounds, uh, through California. I moved here from Fort Worth, uh, Texas, Dallas area. Always wanted to live in California, and I get here and things just got pretty intense and out of control and, and more wild than my previous, um, drug and alcohol career. It was the sex, drugs, and rock and roll to its fullest. Homeless, um, you know, sleeping in tents, sleeping in my car. I ended up in Huntington Beach, and I just started looking for a place to rent, sleeping in my car. I had saved up a little bit money because now I finally had a job and was working 3 jobs at the time, and sleeping in my car, I didn't want to go spend it on an Airbnb or a hotel room, you know, I just would have blown the money. And I started looking on apps and doing whatever I can online to try to find a place to rent. And the places that I found, even people put signs in their yard. I was told to go, you know, just drive up and down the neighborhood and look for signs in people's yard. And so I started doing that as well.

And I used to always say that I just— it was either too expensive or I didn't vibe with the people. But when you walk in smelling like whiskey and hadn't slept since '93, you probably— they probably didn't vibe with you. It had nothing to do with me.

It was them though. It was them.

It was all them. Yeah.

And so, um, one day I, I, I came across this house and it— and she had just put a sign in the yard and I contacted her and she showed me the place. Uh, there was one person who had already contacted her before myself, and she had promised them that they could at least look at it that following morning because they couldn't make it that night. So I came over here and met her. She showed me around, and then she started sharing with me her— a little bit of her own family history. She had 3 daughters. One of them died of a brain aneurysm, um, more than likely caused by her alcoholism.

She—

the other 2 remaining daughters were— are still in recovery. And she had 2 grandsons that, um, died from fentanyl overdoses. So as she's telling me this, here I am, you know, let's just be honest, I'd smoked meth and was taking pulls off the whiskey bottle before I even came over to her house. I did take a shower and put a long sleeve shirt on though.

We clean up however we can, right?

You know, I could tell that she was older on the phone, so I at least, you know, put myself together and the best I could. As I'm on the other side of the kitchen counter talking to her about this, or as she's sharing this with me, it it starts really affecting me emotionally. Uh, I was so worn out and just withering away and tired mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, just spent. So she's telling me this, I'm like, why is this happening? You know, and I started like fighting tears. I, I am so used to not talking about religion or politics on my TikTok live streams and stuff like that. But I never denied the fact that I'm a firm believer in God and a power greater than myself, whatever you want to call that for your own self. But, um, I'm sitting there fighting these tears and, and wondering why this moment was happening. And I didn't understand it then, but I knew that God— there was something going on. There was a reason I had just met this lady, for no clue why. Other than to possibly rent this room. I had, you know, so she told me that she would call me the next day after the, uh, the other person came in and looked at it and would let me know the decision.

And I never heard from her. I went to work that day, never heard from her all day. I pulled back up in front of her house and, uh, called her and I said, hey, it's Brian, you know, I never heard back from you. And she said, well, that guy was a friend of mine, my daughter's from high school, so I'm just going to go ahead and let him move in, basically have a nice life. It was just that cut and dry after everything that happened that night before, that conversation we had, I was like, oh, so you had hope and then it was dashed, right? Absolutely, absolutely. And I had already called my mom, so my mom thought I was living in this house in Huntington Beach. And, um, she knew that my alcoholism, my drug addiction was still prevalent in my life, but she didn't know that I was homeless. I've already put her through enough, so I didn't want to worry her with that. I figured I would just, whenever I found a place, I would call her and let her know, oh, by the way, I moved, I'm over here now, you know.

Yeah. And spare her the details in between but I did. I got in my car and I called her right after that first day that I met her. And of course, it, you know, sent the emotions through the roof. And what are you going to do? You know, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me? So all day long she's texting me saying, have you heard from her? Have you heard from her? And so now it was time to break that news to my mom. So I called my mom and told her it wasn't going to happen. And of course, it brought it all back up. She's like, what are you going to do now? And I said, it's just another part of my story. It's just another chapter in the book.

I'm not going to stop.

I'll start on the next street tomorrow and keep going. It was about 20— I don't know, 10, 15, 20 minutes later, Elaine called me and said, are you looking for long-term? Are you looking for short-term? And I remember telling her that, you know, I'm looking for a place to rest my head, like a place I could call home. And she said, well, that guy wanted short-term. I'm looking for a long-term renter. Um, let me call you back tomorrow.

Fuck. All right.

Oh Lord. So, you know, to add to that, this part of the story, I, I, I'm a firm believer that if I would've gotten on the phone with my mom and, or even just out loud, or even in my own brain would've said like, you know, F this, this is bullshit. You know, this isn't gonna fucking happen. What, you know, and, and, and, and bashed that whole situation instead of saying something like, it's just the next chapter of my story. It's okay. It wasn't meant to be. Things wouldn't have ended up—

it wouldn't have been to be, it wouldn't have been, right, right, right.

So I went back across the street and got in my car and, and, uh, passed out. To her calling me at early that next morning and, and asking me if I was asleep in my car, and which I lied to her and told her, no, I'm up and ready to go, I'm, you know, everything's fine. And she said, don't lie to me. And I said, okay. Yes, I'm asleep in my car. And she said, well, why don't you get yourself together and come over? I did exactly that. I've never gotten dressed and ready so fast in my life. And, um, I pulled up out front and she was standing on the front porch in her robe saying, welcome home.

Oh my friend, I just got chills head to toe.

Yeah, it was pretty amazing. Oh, it was a, um—

she gave you a shot, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes that's all we need is somebody to believe in us, right?

But she had no idea who she was.

That was a big risk on her part.

Absolutely, absolutely. She had no idea who she was actually inviting into her house. Now, I, I grew up in a really wonderful, loving, caring, supportive Southern Baptist Christian home. I mean, I, I do have morals and values, you know, and it wasn't that she had to worry about anything, but she had no idea that she was inviting this, this drug and alcoholic, you know, into her home, you know. So it— yeah, a lot of credit definitely goes to her. And at the same time, a lot of credit goes to the God that I believe in. And she, you know, grew up in church. She still goes to church every Sunday, and she has her faith, and, um, we were definitely put in, in each other's life for a bigger purpose. I didn't know that then. I didn't know that then.

Oh, but that 24-hour, 48-hour period, oh, oh, that's a, that's on the edge.

Okay. People often talk about stopping the substance, but it, it's, it's not about just stopping the substance. So what was harder for you, getting sober, stopping the substance, or learning to trust and respect yourself again? That's a good one.

Oh man, man. Um, it was harder getting sober, but then again it wasn't. Let me explain why that is. The day that I decided to get sober, I was brushing my teeth one morning and I saw the reflection looking back at me, and it was terrifying. It was very unflattering. It was scary. It was lifeless. It was a shell of a human being. And for the first time in my life all the voices and chaos in my head and in my spirit and everything that I am got super quiet. I mean, like, could hear a pin drop silence when I was looking at that reflection.

Wow.

And this voice throughout my entire spirit, my entire body, it was the only thing that I heard were 4 words that said, 'You are worth it.' And it was so crystal clear that it was again a moment of something happening that I didn't understand. I just knew it was greater than me.

And, and that you had to listen.

No, absolutely. There was— this was one of those things you can't really just—

you can't ignore it. You can't unsee it once you see it.

Yeah.

Everybody, we all have that, that understanding that I, I'm talking to you right now, but there's 50,000 other questions and thoughts going on in my head, right? And then my heart might be telling me something, and the spirit inside me is saying something. They're all communicating. Maybe they're not even communicating and it's chaotic, but so all of that stopped, you know, and when that happens, right, that I've never felt that.

So I need—

Brian, I had a moment like that when it came to marrying my, or even being with my husband, because we were early in recovery, both of us, and you know, you're not supposed to do that. We did 13-step our way into a healthy marriage, but he happens to be 16 years younger than me. And I didn't know it at the time because— I know, check me out— but I didn't know it because he has gray hair. He grayed early and he had a full beard. Now he has a baby face when he shaves, but he had a full beard. And we had already connected and been chatting for a while, and when I, when I found out how old he was, I was like, what the hell, this is never gonna work, I better get out here, but he better get out of here. Like, uh, and then it was the same instance that you had, everything got quiet and the voice said, lean in. Oh, that's it. And he was on one side of the couch and I was on the other side, and we hadn't touched each other at this point even yet.

And his hand was up on the back of the couch, so I put my hand up on the back of the couch and our fingertips touched, and it was freaking electricity. It was electric. But if I had not listened to that voice, I don't know if we'd both be sober today because we are each other's accountability partners. So True. I mean, who knows? I, I, we don't know because we don't know because I leaned in, right?

Exactly. You listen to that voice.

So you cannot ignore those things when they happen.

And sometimes it's hard to define that voice, right? Because you're, I think I was so used to just hearing all of that crazy talk that I've been telling myself for so many years.

The terrible things, the self-abuse, the noise. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And so which voice is what? Yeah, you know, which one do I listen to? I've learned over the years that the, the voice that I should be listening to is super subtle.

Yeah, it's super powerful.

Yeah, it rings throughout my entire system.

I love that. Oh, I love that. Okay, redemption as a routine. I love this because you have day— this takes practice, right? Our sobriety life, you know, anything that we want to move towards achieving, it takes practice with small ordinary habits. According to you, helped you rebuild dignity, motivation, confidence, and hope. And hope, hope is so vital to us as human beings because without it, that's when we start doing the spirals of, well, maybe this isn't worth it. So, um, talk to me about your daily habits, these small little steps that you take every day that are practices now.

Sure. So as I started this journey of getting sober, right, I got up every morning, went to a meeting at 7:00 AM. That was the first thing that I did. And I, I knew that if I would just show up one time a day from just the past rehabs and, and attempts and, um, all of that. I knew that if I at least would show up, I could, I could get some momentum built. I couldn't hear anything really, the, the shares and stuff. I, I just sat there, but it became part of my morning routine. And then as I started getting some clarity back and able to look at myself in the mirror and, and not throwing up and not, not eating and the just going through the withdrawal part of it, you know, that it took every bit of 60 days for me to even really begin to, uh, start looking in the mirror, um, and, and even being able—

you—

yeah, right. And watching this transformation, it was quite scary. But then after I'd get out of a meeting, I would force myself to, um, this is about 60 days into it, to just start walking around the block, just, you know. And then I started ordering some, I don't want to say self-help books, but, um, like just different books that interested me at the time. And, um, How to Become a Better Version of Yourself, things like that. And so I would just walk and maybe I'd go sit in a coffee shop and just read. And that was about all the energy I could muster up. So sort of like a meeting, go for a walk, drink some coffee, and I would come back home and pretty much sleep the rest of the day. And as time went on, I started, you know, making videos on TikTok of Elaine and I, and, and I started live streaming. And that was a way for me to get my creative part out and just start sharing my story with other people. But now it's gotten to something so much more detailed than that. For instance, when I wake up in the morning, I don't let the outside world start my day, right?

I don't grab my phone, check my emails. I don't check text messages. I don't jump on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube. I don't turn on my TV. I, I truly drink coffee with my dog and I sit in silence.

Yeah.

Um, for at least 30 minutes, no less than 30 minutes, every single morning, like military routine. I am not starting my day with outside influences. I love that. If anybody If anybody is going to project and create my day for the next 24 hours, um, it's going to be me. And that took a lot of practice, and, and now it's so habitual that it's just part of what I do. And I, I just let the thoughts race, you know. It's, it's fine. It's okay. It could be messy. It could be sad. It could be, you know, anxious thoughts, worried about things. That's okay. That's totally fine.

It's all okay. All of them. The spectrum of them. And it's okay to feel a lot of them at, at once and at different times, but all in the same moment. And see, that's what I was running from, was all of that, all of those things. And again, you, you turn and you face them and you feel them and you observe them and you process them, and it, it ain't that bad. And it ends up being like that voice told you, you're worth it. It ends up being so worth it, everything that you go through to build the, the life that you are worth, right?

Right, right. Well, if you think about what I just said, then what you just said on top of that, if you're already waking up anxious or, or, or frightened or fearful of, of what's going to happen today, a bill, you know, your kids, just whatever it may be, think about what you're doing to your nervous system when you wake up already feeling like that, and then you add outside influences onto it.

Oh yeah, I used to do my TikTok lives at 7 in the morning as soon as my husband— I had to cut that out. Like, I, I do the same thing. Like, I'm not— I spend time with him, we get him off to work, you know, that take— whole process takes about an hour, and then I move into— and then I just start with emails. And then I move into social media platforms and stuff. So, and it, right, it— I even had to go on a TikTok detox. Um, it makes a big, big, big, big difference. But I don't want to gloss over what you said. Social media affects our nervous system. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Science is now proving that over and over and over. So it's, it's wise, and the invitation that you're offering is to be selective about how and when you use it.

Exactly. And take it a step further, be super careful about what you tap on to like in your social media. It creates your, your feed, right? So if you're clicking on people that fight or seeing arguments or terrible things happening or, you know, insanity that's going on in the world or these A big one that I see people do is like, my wife cheated on me, or my husband cheated on me, they found me on this stuff, and it have like 2 million views, and you're just automatically tapping it. Well, then your feed comes in that, then it starts hitting your brain. Is my husband or my boyfriend or my girlfriend doing that? I need to start checking. And then it creates this whole other life that is probably not even the case or the truth, but your brain took you there because of your social media took be there.

Yeah.

So I'm super careful about what I feed to myself, and that goes to another step of as within, so without. So what you're feeding yourself, what books you're reading, what news you're watching, what people you're listening to, the circle around you, it's super important. Because if you're putting in crap all the time, your thoughts are putting in crap all the time, and you're just seeing the world as this crappy, horrible place.

And you feel bad. Pretty simple. You, you feel bad.

Vibration— your vibration starts to lower itself. And when you're running on a low vibration, you know, when you create a peaceful, joyful, gratitude place in your life, the world will start reflecting that. It's like the mirror effect, right? So what you create on the inside is what will, will reflect back to you on the outside. As above, so below, so within, as without. You know, the mirror effect, whole, whole thing. So I'm very careful about who I not only surround myself, who I talk to on the phone, what, what I listen to, what I don't listen to. Even music today, you know, you get a song in your head and it could be about a breakup, and next thing you know, I want divorce, right? You know, you just over time, you, you start having these thoughts about your mind is the most powerful computer on the planet.

Oh, it is, isn't it?

What you feed it is what will start showing up in your life. So I'm very careful about who I surround myself with and what I put in, into my attention.

That's very wise. Very wise routines.

Very wise.

Okay, let's talk about your community that you've created, because community can provide people with willpower. Support. Um, like in, in my case, they counted me out because of lack of support. So support, um, not only on your sobriety journey but on your life journey, because this thing ain't easy. It's— this Earth school thing ain't, ain't easy to do. So, uh, talk to me about the community that you've created.

Well, it is called the Crab Crew, and I, I have to share why that came into play for you to understand it. Um, I started live streaming on TikTok, uh, built this amazing community that has now turned into more of a family than it is a community. So, you know, when you TikTok live, people send you gifts, right? They send you the virtual gifts. Um, so my, my morning live stream was like at 6:00 AM and the other one was at 5:00 PM. Um, every 7 days a week, right? So I got to be pretty well known out on the Huntington Beach Pier in the Pavilion area. And, you know, people always knew that I was going to be showing up at that time. And so there's always people out there. And anyway, um, I was sent the crab gift. It comes and it dances on your head and it does these little peachy things. I had just made the comment, uh, oh, Kari gave me crabs, really? Right here on TikTok in front of everybody in Huntington Beach. It just became this silly funny thing. And, and then so other people started sending it.

I would call out their name and ask them why they gave me crabs. And I have a PO box on my TikTok Live, and next thing I know I'm getting gifts from all over the world, um, for crab everything. I've got crab socks, crab boxers, crab blankets, crab t-shirts, crab bubblers, crabbing.

Oh, you didn't even know there was so many crab things, did you?

I, I had no idea. I had no idea. And, uh, You know, it just became this, this thing that was unavoidable, um, as to something was happening. And I— it was that voice again that said, hey, check this out, pay attention, right? And so I just started researching one day what a crab was, and come to find out they're resilient, they're adaptive, they can literally crawl themselves out of the depths of hell, um, and they can hold on for dear life. And a lot of times they can also just sit still Um, they let go of their shell to grow a new one that's bigger to allow them to grow. So I started thinking, man, I'm pretty resilient, I'm pretty adaptive. Throughout my homelessness and my drug addiction, my alcohol addiction, I've been bouncing back when life hits you or hits me for all my life.

Yeah.

But getting sober and living in a, in a new shell and a new skin that I don't even know. Like, I don't— I didn't know this Brian. I didn't know the sober Brian. I've never known a sober Brian. I don't, I don't know who that guy is, you know?

Yeah.

So taking that resilience and that adaptability and putting it into shape in, in my own life and realizing, man, when life hits, how, how am I— this wasn't about how you or how the world is. I just started thinking about myself, like, how am I adapting? What is adapting? How am I being resilient? What is resilience? So it's like I've been training for this my whole life without even really knowing it. And so I, I just grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and I just started writing. I've always been a big writer and enjoyed getting my thoughts out of my head, which also leads back to I don't go to sleep without doing a gratitude, uh, list every night. That's another part of my daily routine. Wake up clean and clear, go to sleep clean and clear. You know, it just creates a good habit. But I started writing all this stuff out and started thinking about, well, what did I have to do to, to get clean? It wasn't just from drugs and alcohol, it was clearing my mind, body, and spirit, my me. The flesh is one thing, but the internal part of it— the thoughts, the lies, the, the guilt, the, the chaos— and like we were talking about earlier, those weeds, I had to start pulling those out and, and cleaning up my— cleaning up me.

Yeah.

So that was the clean part of it, meaning all of it combined. And then the R was perfect for resilience. You know, when life hits you, and it will, how are you going to bounce back? And a lot of times I started thinking, well, just bouncing back is—

is—

that's a great step. You know, we're not talking about taking leaps and bounds.

Yeah, just getting back up, standing without even stepping yet. Yeah, just standing. That's huge to say, I am willing to consider trying again.

Absolutely, absolutely. That is— and, and oftentimes I think that we don't give ourselves enough credit for just being able to stand back and be, you know what, I started here, I'm here right now, and I've gone through so much in my life, good, bad, or indifferent.

Yeah.

And I'm still here. So you know, I can get up. And, and if you could just take a deep breath and stop for a second and look at your past— don't stare at it, just look at it— and realize you've come so far, and you, and you've hit moments that you never thought that you would have gotten through, and, and you made it through. So you're able to bounce back, right? And then, you know, being adaptive, um, you know, I always like the— you can be in the middle of the storm, and you can't control it, but you can always adjust your sail, you know, that 1%, and, and making that 1% adjustment in your sail can, can be huge.

Um, can save your life.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And then that moment that I heard those, that voice saying, you are worth it, it wasn't that I just heard, okay, you're worth it, now let's just go do it. It was one step deeper. Than that. And that was, I had to believe that I was worth it. Yeah, I had to believe that something was speaking to me and, and telling me that I'm worth it. And that power was so overwhelming and so great and so significant in that moment that I had no choice but to believe that I, that I was worthy. So, and then it just, I found it fascinating when I started looking at it on paper, I was like, well, this is the foundation of everything that I've been working on.

Yeah.

So it was the belief, you know, that, that came to be that, that first step in believing that I could, I could, um, clean and clear all this stuff out. I could be resilient. I can be adaptive to whatever life throws at me, you know, and, and have a good attitude about it for the most part. And then it comes back to just being grateful, right? As soon as I get up in the morning, that's another thing I do is I tell myself and I tell the God and the universe and the world, the creator, the source of life, the love, thank you for giving me another chance at life today. I've got one more chance at life. Thank you.

I love that. One more chance.

Yeah, I've got a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach.

Yeah.

So when having—

I think we take for granted that we have the basics. Right?

Absolutely. Well, you can't go do anything great without them.

Yeah.

I can't go get a job without clothes on my back.

Yeah.

Even if I don't have a car and have to take the bus, I need shoes to, you know, protect my feet.

Yeah, exactly.

Having a roof over your head is, you know, part of the, the nourishment and, and being able to be healthy enough to, to present yourself, you know, in, in that light. And then you know, having good sleep. So all those things are just the fundamental that I personally— yes, right— was taking for granted. Like, I didn't— I wasn't— I've never thought about those things. So I got a roof over my head. Everybody's got a roof over their head. Anybody can go get a hamburger from McDonald's. Well, no, that's not really all the— all the time that's not the case.

Yeah.

And I can't do anything worthwhile without those things. So I started becoming grateful for the very smallest things in my life, and, and that's made a difference in my peace and who I am.

Yeah, I love that. Now you've created a community to help other people who are struggling.

Yes, ma'am. Because another thing to add to the whole crab thing is that in my research that I started looking into, there's the thing called the crab mentality, right? And this is a real thing. So if you put crabs in a bucket or any kind of container, they'll try to crawl out, obviously, but the other ones will grab them and pull them back down. Well, in my attempts to get sober, in my attempts to crawl out of, um, homelessness or the sobriety or just any struggle that I might have been going through, um, let's use the, the drug and alcohol addiction. Oftentimes, yeah, I would let influencers, um, that were still in that world pull me down, you know. They didn't want to not be without their buddy. I didn't want to not be without them. So it's just easier to go back.

Yep.

But more—

and it's a slippery slope, right? It sneaks up on you. Like, I would go back to my ex for— as friends, and then friends would turn into friends with benefits, and then it would— out would come the alcohol, and then it was off to the races again.

Well, and that's what I'm saying is, for the— for the most part, when I really started digging into thinking about that concept, it was myself pulling myself back down more than it was anybody else. Yeah. Or selfish reasons. You know, I don't wanna lose my friends either. I don't wanna, you know, be without this lifestyle. I don't know how to not live like this. I don't even really wanna live like this. I'm going to do this for my mom. So it's just okay to, you know, start back over again.

All the excuses we make.

Yeah. Every one of 'em. Every one of 'em.

All the excuses we make.

The other fuck this, the other fuck this.

I can make excuses all day to keep partying, you know?

Yes.

There's always an excuse and it is always whispering. And so, I think for us, I often say that I don't have the luxury of not doing the daily practices that I do, which is the internal work that I do, the internal excavation, making sure I'm not processing some feelings or having trauma be sticky because it was prison for me was right around the corner. And that's what would be next. So there I don't have the luxury to not do these daily practices to, right, um, to keep on the path that I'm on, which is so beautiful, man, because then you can see the beauty and you get to keep your memories and you have lovely memories.

And, and so I love it, I love it.

Well, Brian, where can we find you and your community? Where's your biggest kind of— is it TikTok?

Yes, but thecrabcrewlife.com is the website that I just recently built and explains a lot more.

Yay, congrats!

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, sitting here, um, you know, just learning how to use AI and, and putting in the information. And, um, then I started figuring out how to— I taught it how to teach me to code. So I would just type in, you know, what I wanted to figure out, it would teach me. And then so I would go back in and learn how to edit it a little bit, you know, and just had fun with it and made sure it was, um, you know, too— it was authentic, it was real, it was my story. And so yeah, you can go to crabcrewlife.com and learn more about it. And then at the bottom, there's all my social media accounts. Yeah, come join the TikTok. I livestream just about every day, kind of get back into the habit of it. I took a month off and kind of starting it back up. But, um, yeah, all of it's there.

I love it.

I love it.

All right, guys, well, you don't have to write that down because we're going to put all the links in this episode for you, so it's right underneath the episode description. All right, Brian, we close out asking our guests two questions. Are you ready for them?

I'm ready.

All right, the first question is: in your own life, what did you perform in order to survive, and what did dropping that role mask or performance do for your life?

Getting sober I mean, it— before that, it was, it was a, a Brian that was just here in, in fight or flight mode. And, and it's not that I was faking everything, but I was masking the emotions, which caused an unauthentic Brian to, to show up. And by getting rid of it, now I don't have to wear a mask. I don't have to— there's no facade.

That is so freeing.

It is.

That is like the greatest thing about the whole thing. Is that I don't have to be myself.

Yeah, yeah.

And if you like it, I love it. If you don't, that's okay too. You can change the channel, that's fine. But I, I, I, I don't worry about what, um, what I have to tell myself on a daily basis anymore. And, um, that I'm extremely proud of.

Yeah, you should be, my friend. You should be.

Thank you.

All right, last question. What conversations do we need to be having or talking more about that we're not?

Um, it's a great question. Feelings. Ah, fear feelings.

Feeling fear.

Yes, it is a man-made construct. It is not real. If you believe in something greater than yourself, then you have to believe that that is made of love. And fear was put here by man to convince you of something that you're not worthy, right?

Yes, yes, yes. Amen.

So I think dropping the fear and living your best authentic life, I think, is something that, that we need to talk more about. Well, I'm fearful of doing this. I'm afraid of judgment. I'm afraid of getting out and doing this. I'm afraid that I'm too old. I'm not smart enough.

Them.

Don't be afraid, because you're not. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky's comment is, or quote, is one of my favorites of all times: you miss 100% of the shots that you don't take.

That's so true. Take the shot, guys. Not the shot, the shot.

How do you know that you can't go do it if you don't even give it a shot?

You gotta try. You gotta get out of your comfort zone and you gotta try. Well, listen, my friends, if you need a community, uh, even if it's not about sobriety, you just feel a little stuck in life and you need some good humans surrounding you, lifting you up and supporting you, find Brian's community. We'll put a link to, uh, the fancy new website. Congratulations again.

Thank you.

And of course, all his socials so you can catch him live. Uh, if you want to see him in person. And don't forget, friends, please ask yourself the question: what are you performing in order to survive? And what's possible in your life if you dropped the role mask or performance? When you find the answer to that— I'm your host, Lisa Lacey. Welcome to The Edge. Thank you, Brian.

Thank you so much.