Transcript of Are old patterns running your life? Self-Awareness & Personality with Arky Jones New

Welcome to Notes from the Edge, where we have the conversations we should have been having all along. We talk about the things that we're not talking about. I'm your host, Lisa Lacey, writer, trauma educator, executive advisor, and author of the upcoming memoir Notes from a Certified Madwoman. Welcome to the Edge. Hey, hey, my friends. Welcome back to an episode of Notes from the Edge. I am your host, Lisa Lacey, and this is the place where we have the conversations we should have been having all along. You ain't talking about it, so we're gonna today. And my guest today is Arky Jones. Arky is the creator of Personality Peak, a platform— has his own platform focused on helping people understand themselves beyond labels through personality insight, self-awareness, and practical personal growth. And I like that, practical personal growth— stuff that works, stuff that can be applied right away. Drawing inspiration from psychology, emotional intelligence, Stoic philosophy— we love both of those— he believes that personality isn't meant to put us in boxes. We don't live in boxes, guys, but a mirror To recognize our patterns. Because guys, if you ain't seeing them, they're not going to change.

So he wants you to understand yourself more deeply and make intentional choices, not work on autopilot. And his philosophy is the better you understand yourself, the better you can lead yourself. And I love that, Arki. Welcome to Notes from the Edge. How are you today, my friend?

I'm superb, and I'm really glad to be here. Thanks for having me.

Yeah, I'm excited. Welcome back to the game. Welcome back to the game. So one thing that I appreciated about your work is you said we talk a lot in here about labels, identity, personality, and you, you think that personality shouldn't become another label. I hate labels. Boy, I haven't— I went into inpatient rehab thinking I had a slight drinking problem and a bad marriage, and I came out with a chart this thick. I was like, if there was a label, they gave it to me. So I'm not a big fan. So what's the difference and why should we avoid doing that to us, to ourselves?

Yeah, so where I've, where I've come from is my entire life, I, I kind of was always in the earlier days almost living to please other people. And it was as I, as I developed into kind of a— I had children early, but, but before they were born, there was like a small window where I was beginning to have insights. And I realized that many of my decisions, so my very core decisions, were actually driven by external factors that were beyond my control. So I was living a life that I didn't actually have full authorship of. But this will lead in because this is 20-plus years ago now. I was living a life I didn't have full authorship of. And as these children were born, which was a gift from the universe, I realized that I had to steer a ship, but I didn't quite have words to put onto it that was going to give them the best opportunities in life. And then as I developed, probably around about 10, let's say 14 years ago, I would have been maybe 30 at the time. I started to get into Stoicism a little bit. And that happened again.

Again, obviously, the universe brought these children into my life. They brought me a book from Marcus Aurelius, and I had a hangover on my 30th birthday and, and put it to one side, reach, reach for the lukewarm water and 2 Panadol. I was like, go away, children. And then they had—

My head hurts.

Yeah, they had this book for me, and, and it was, it was one of those, uh, points, you know, where in your brain you have like these kind of neurons that all fire and stuff, and it just forged this new path. Now it's just like, what the hell am I doing? So fundamentally reorientated. But to, to answer the question, What I will say is that personality, it is, in my opinion, and this is with a lot of research, is one, is there are some innate traits that are given to us from our ancestors that are from millions of years ago, from the beginning of time. But there is also the experience of your life and where you focus your attention. And the key I found is, to answer this, the key I found is that where I put my attention was the direction I went in. And so therefore, I realized that the personality was, was something that could be molded with the correct attention. And for me, what that meant— correct attention, just to be absolutely crystal clear— was focusing it on things that would bring me up and bring other people around me up.

I love that. I love that. And you know, I've noticed, I observed— an observation is not neutral. Quantum physics, quantum mechanics, my friends. The minute you observe this stuff in these patterns, you've already started to change them. And that's really cool. But I've observed a phenomenon that when we start just working on ourselves, the toxicity takes itself out kind of on its own sometimes. And then you get filled up with people that are on this newer vibration, and the people around you kind of rise up. Have you had the same phenomenon kind of happen for you?

So it is almost certainly— it, it— the thing is that when you use the word quantum physics, I, I love that word, but it is I believe exactly what you've said to be true. So there is no doubt in my mind that is true. But at the same time, it is unquantifiable. So where I don't like is when you see podcasters saying, um, you're saying like, oh, if you do this and you spend this and then you go to this queue, you'll bump into the next millionaire who's going to give you this next contract. It doesn't work.

I'm like— And then you'll be a millionaire. Yeah. No, no, it doesn't work like that. Life still happens. You get sick, you get hospitalized. Like, I was hospitalized. No, life still happens, and you still have bad days. Like, the bad days still happen. So yeah, absolutely. But, um, so where do you think the line is between personality as a tool for self-awareness And allowing it to become something we hide behind.

So you see, you see that it's very easy to allow society to attach a label to you. It is. It's incredibly easy to do that because it's passive. And one thing that I, I find very, very interesting in the modern world is that when someone says, that happened to me, as if you're a passenger. And, and, and the thing is that if you allow yourself to be a passenger people will attach labels to you. And a good way is let's just take a train, for example. There is first class, second class, third class. And by the very fact of where you sit, people attach a label. It doesn't matter whether it's true or not, but that's an external thing. So what I found is that by being mindful about where you put the attention, what your personality then means is that the things you put your attention on you can then take ownership of. And then that— this is where I seeped a little bit into the Stoicism, where that owning the locus of control. So you, you— what, what that— I guess what that means is that if you have something that you identify in your life that needs to change, if you start pointing fingers all over the show as to why it's not there, it is never, ever going to change.

But if you look at the bits that you can do— so let's, let's actually think of some kind of real-world example here.

Um, what if somebody has a job, like they're stuck in a job, they're stuck in a job that they don't like, right? And they're blaming everybody. Oh, my boss is toxic, my coworkers are toxic, like what? And but they stay.

That's actually a really good one. Thanks. Thanks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So no, no, it's a really good one. So what we, what we need to be— well, firstly, let's be absolutely honest, okay? So firstly, we have rent to pay or mortgage to pay, um, children to feed if you've got children, car payments if you've took car payments. That's a different story about debt and all that, but let's, let's focus on that. Let's say that you— so you must ensure that firstly your immediate needs are met for the basic survival in, in, in a Western society. And so therefore The first thing I would do is look for something that you find that gives you an inkling of joy in that job. Find something very small within that job that gives you an inkling of joy and do that incredibly well. So, so yeah.

Yeah, I like that.

That triggers your dopamine system, it triggers your serotonin system, you start getting small rewards within that job. But in doing so, you've set the intention to the universe that you are on a path of personal growth. You are going to make the best of the hardest situations. And there is that old saying, when you're in hell, you know, keep moving forward because that's all you can do. But by setting those intentions with those small tasks and doing them incredibly well, what you start doing is you start building things to put into your CV. Now, As you start building those activities and you start doing them well, you start building a CV, start building a portfolio. Then as every week as you apply for new jobs, there's a new thing to put in that portfolio that you did incredibly well, you went above and beyond on. And then by the time you've made 10 of these weeks where you've done something above and beyond, you've been intentional and you've genuinely enjoyed it, because you will. There are small things in life that we can all take pleasure in. Like, for example, I take, I take a lot of pleasure, and this is, this is a silly thing, but I take a lot of pleasure in having a calendar that is well-articulated so I know where to be at what time.

And, and it's a small thing, but, but then if you think about how I can word that on a CV, it is, it is something that most organizations want.

Yes, absolutely. Well, I'm a— funny story about me. I love office supplies. I love calendars. I love all the stickers. I love pens. I love folders. I, I love, I love OfficeMax. It's so weird. And it's a long story why. My mom was a medical records coder and used to bring me home all the stickers and stuff like that. So I love that though. So friends, I'm just going to reiterate what Arky just said. If you're miserable in your job, do the opposite of what you're doing. Don't bitch about it. Find the one thing, because there's always going to be one thing, right, Arky? Always one thing we can find.

There has to be, otherwise you wouldn't be there because it would be so intolerable you would have broken. So there must be something that brings you back. And even if that something is just the money, it is then, okay, so why am I willing to do this to get money? And then that becomes your reason. But let's hope there's something more than that. There is always something that's without it, otherwise you wouldn't be there.

Well, and what I love about what you just said too is you're asking better questions. We talk a lot in here about asking better questions to yourself, asking yourself better questions. So, yeah, a good question to ask is, why am I still here? Right?

Yes.

It's a good question because you're getting something out of it, and it's usually more than just the money. So find that thing. I love that. I love that as a tool, and it can be done absolutely immediately. And then according to your philosophy, that's where your focus is. on that thing that brings you joy. So then you're going to build on that and you'll have more of it. You'll feel less stressed at work. You'll probably be a little nicer to the people you were calling toxic. And then your finger is pointed inward, right? Because you're working on you instead of so busy doing the blame game thing. I love it. I love it. So I'm a big fan of patterns and talking about patterns and why we repeat patterns and how to break patterns. So, um, from your perspective, why do intelligent people— because I did it for 20 years— why do intelligent people keep repeating the same self-sabotaging patterns over and over and over?

Well, it's, it's, it's a, it's a tricky one in that— so that pattern, at some point you learned it because it was useful. in that moment. It might have been when your father locked you in a cupboard as a child. It might have been when you were deprived of food. It might have been when you were told you didn't matter, your opinion didn't matter. And so you developed an internal narrative, or you start looking for external validation for things that was— because internally you didn't have the minerals, the tools at the time. You were never taught to deal with it. So as you grow, those small things, you can develop it later in life, but a lot of it comes back to these very early frameworks and these kind of core identities. What we then do is we, at some point, that now tool that is broken, so it's a hammer with no handle, was useful to you. And so remember that even these habits that we've developed, I mean, even we can take alcohol, we can take nicotine, at some point that would have made us feel a little bit better. Otherwise, we wouldn't keep doing it.

It's like you might say to me, why don't you keep hitting your face with a hammer? And it's like, because it doesn't feel good ever, no matter when you did it. And so therefore—

I like that, ever. It doesn't feel good ever. Guys, if it doesn't feel good ever, there is the possibility to change it. So let's talk about changing patterns. Marky, how do we do it?

Oh, so yeah, so, so coming on to the change, so once you've, once you accept that they are something that at one point served a purpose, then, then you can ask the question of, okay, so what is this getting me now? And it's like, let's say, let's say for example, this is just a silly one, but let's say a spacesuit. Yeah, an astronaut. So let's say Neil Armstrong, um, wore a spacesuit on the moon. Yeah, let's say he came back to Earth and wore the same spacesuit. You know, it's a wonderful piece of engineering but completely bloody useless on the Earth. But he was on the moon, it was But he needed it to survive.

Also, it looks ridiculous walking around in a spacesuit.

Ridiculous. He's got all sorts of stuff attached to him.

He's like, I'm famous, guys. I'm famous.

Look at me. Exactly.

Yeah, that was silly.

But it's very silly. And so if you think of it like that, that's more like an external thing. So what you must do is like a good word that you used earlier was calling other people toxic. So let's say, for example, that you have some so-called toxic workmates. Okay. Now, you don't need to be their psychologist. And also remember this, guys, you don't owe them anything other than what you are willing to give and are able to provide. And so therefore, let's say, for example, they're toxic because when they talk to you in the break room, as soon as a manager comes in, they suddenly switch off and talk to a manager, you know, and just cut your conversation out immediately. Or another good example in the workplace would be that you do a massive project and then they take the credit for that project. Okay?

That's a good example.

Yeah. And in that moment, you might feel disempowered. You might feel taken advantage of. You might feel someone else has owned you. So let's take that second example. How I would in that particular case, and this is just one particular example, and we'll give a very, very broad overview on what you can do. But in that particular case, how I, how I would manage something like that would be is, okay, so I know that, um, Malcolm always seems to take credit no matter how hard someone else works, and they have an exceptional ability to self-promote, you know, way beyond someone else that's humble, maybe introverted, who believes that in the background they will be noticed just, just by sheer hard work. Whereas Malcolm does do sweet nothing, and he's like, it was all about himself.

Talks a lot about himself.

Talks a lot about himself. So So, so in this particular case, what you could do is I would very early on just start making it aware, copying in seniors at appropriate points when key milestones were met. This is what's been achieved by this point. Just letting you know, I've sent this to Malcolm. Just wanted you to be aware of this. And document.

Yeah.

Document. Yeah. And so that way also, at the same time, you don't want to work with this guy anymore because for whatever reason, you've attached a label to him. which is problematic in itself, but you have attached a label. Um, and so therefore you can then use that project to do it as best as you possibly can, to promote what you want to promote about yourself, but also to build your CV for your future. And so again—

Right, you're directing your focus on something to do it to the best of your ability, and that makes people feel good. Yeah.

100%.

You know, and friends, you just, you know, you just don't know what other people have dealt with, what they went through, or where they're standing. You know, you just don't know why they are the way that they are. So, you know, if we're gonna request that nobody label us, be sure, you know, take Araki's advice and be mindful of what, what labels you're throwing onto other people, because it feels icky. Just, you know, no, no fancy words needed for it. It just, it just feels icky. So if we look at them as humans, I mean, the minute I looked at my parents as human beings, everything shifted, you know, because I played the blame game for a really long time. So we, we hear people say, I'm wired this way, I'm an introvert, I'm this type, I'm just an angry person, or I'm just an anxious person. And how much of that How much of that is true when we do that? And what are we doing to ourselves when we do that?

All right, so firstly, let's just go back to, um, uh, 100 million years ago when we used to live in tribes of about 100 to 150 people, okay? Just so we, we can understand a little bit more. So in a tribe, there was— and, and let's forget gender in any way in this, it doesn't matter, it's, it's a cooperation thing that is based for human survival. So the reason humans need other people, even people who are introverted need other people, and the modern world's created systems where you can get away with not as much, but that's not the point. We are wired. So brain, we've got lower brain, higher brain functions. Lower brain functions are about survival. And part of that is the need for community. So in an old tribe, you'd have hunters, you'd have gatherers, you'd have people that made the camp. You'd have people that stood watch at night, people that managed the fire, and, and then extrapolated out from there. You also needed caregivers for the new children to protect them. You also needed to teach them in the way, so you needed teachers to teach the different techniques of that tribe.

And so if we accept that any human being that thought that they could exist in true isolation in the modern world, you are only able to do so because of the structures the modern world has built to enable that to occur. But it's not real because you are still in need of other people for the food, for the water, for you. We can extrapolate that right out. So this way, if you can think of it like that, so we need other people. Therefore, what we can do is we can find traits, we can find role models, even within people we dislike, because there are parts of them that is part of this same evolutionary trait. And even if the lesson from them is, I won't do that, then that is something that is invaluable. Because you might have watched the way other people, when they walk into the room, change. It goes quiet. You might notice the energy is not great. I mean, let me give you one story. Okay. So, When— this was when I was a, uh, not actually not that long ago. I joined a new place on a 6-month sabbatical, uh, from my, my current place.

And, um, I just asked about— the, the boss walked in with, with 2 of the, um, assistants, and the boss always liked to like, you know, peacock's the only word for it.

I get it. Yeah.

And, um, and, and my, my— this wasn't my job, but it was, it was part of something that I was doing to improve the environment. And so I just asked them because first, I know it sounds silly, but this is just a very, very basic job. But first you would photocopy this product and then you would laminate the product separately. And I said, um, and I just said, is there a photocopier that laminates at the same time? Because efficiency saving, we're doing this 10,000 times, efficiency saving, this would save, you know, X amount of hours work.

Half the time.

half the time, and, and you're paying me your $100 an hour to laminate things. It seems ridiculous, you know. So, so, and, and he looked at his— he looked at these 2 people with him, you know, that kind of snidey, like, cocky look. And he went, he went, yeah, you, you photocopy it, then you laminate it. And, and in that moment— no, I didn't mind, but it was— you understand, and your expression is how I felt on the inside.

Yeah.

But in that moment, I realized that You are not someone that I can rely on. You are not someone who can read between the lines. You are not someone who adds value to me. So therefore, you are now someone who signs my timesheet so I continue living my life and adjust it accordingly. And then carried on with the job, uh, that was, that was very, very overemployed to do.

I love that point. Even if you realize, whoa, that's a person that devalues me. See, I can't be around people who devalue me anymore either. It's a big deal for me. It was a hard lesson, you know, decades to get to. But I love that even if you learn, the lesson is, wow, that person doesn't have my back, doesn't get me, doesn't want to hear what I have to say. So I'm just here. They're kind of a non-player for me now. And I'm just gonna do the best job I can. I love that. Yeah, I love that.

And so, so in that moment, you maintain ownership and authorship of your story. Because you don't hand it over. You're not passive in this because the thing I could control was asking a question that was more efficient. The thing I could control was my actions and the consequences of said actions. Once that new data became available, it was a nonentity to me. But that's been years and years of trying. And let me give— can I give you one example everybody can relate to?

Wait, don't gloss over that because you called it data. Guys, it's just data, right? We put so many labels on it and names on it and, oh, this and that and this. It's just information. I love that. So don't gloss over that. That was a big deal. Yeah. Okay. Keep going. Keep going. I just wanted to make sure you got that.

No, no, no. And so let me give you, let me give you an example that almost everyone in, in, in, in our society can relate to. Okay.

Okay.

So the, have you ever driven in traffic and, um, you know, raised a middle finger to a fellow, uh, road user?

Maybe once.

Yeah. Or honked the horn or elevated elevated the voice or— My husband's terrible at it.

He's terrible. I'm like, don't do that. Like, the people have— like, they're angry right now. Stop it.

So, so, so most people can relate to it. And, and I, I, and a big epiphany for me was years and years and years ago. Um, one—

we—

this was actually— we were at the time, we were in a pub and we were having a beer and we were talking about, you know, when 2 people like, um, driving, one's got the high beam on and one's got the low beam on. And, and some people, the other person puts the high beam on to get them back. And one of my— and, and one of my friends, I never forget it, he just said to me— this will link into the road rage in a minute— but one of my friends said to me, he said, so is it better to have one blind idiot or two blind idiots? And, and, and in that moment, this again, this kind of like, what? And, and so what I realized is that when You get angry at something that is inconsequential in, in the big picture, such as someone driving slightly erratically. I'm not saying if it's genuine dangerous driving you don't pull back, but what I realized is that attaching emotion, attaching anger, agitation, frustration, uh, and, and outwardly showing that gives a tiny bit of ownership of yourself to that person. They now control you. And so what I found was I would then, I might think of them at other parts of the day.

I might go to work. I might tell my colleagues about them. I might call my wife and she'd be like, what again, Arky? Do you know what I mean? I'm sick of listening to your bull—

I don't know what ganarchy is, but it sounds like a great word. I'm going to borrow it. What's that mean? Ganarchy? Is that like an idiot word?

Oh no, no. Canarchy. Canarchy, my wife.

Oh, canarchy.

Got it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Can you just give me a break? I'm just doing, I'm just cleaning the kitchen. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to hear about your drive to work. I don't care. I don't care. Yeah, she's 4'11 and tough as hell. So, but what I realized is that if I didn't react other than the immediate need for safety, so of course, back off, leave a good stopping distance, I didn't even think about them again. I didn't raise my voice. My heart rate didn't raise. My vision didn't narrow. My blood flow wasn't redirected to my brain, to my muscles. And, I maintained control. And so in doing so, I then started to apply that exact same philosophy in almost every situation where if, for example, let's say a supermarket line, someone cuts in on me, I may say to them once, hey, do you know there was a queue? And then, and if they say, yeah, but let's just say they're an absolute— 99% of the time, they're, oh, sorry, I didn't see you. But let's say they're an absolute horrible person. Yeah, but I'm more important than you. I know that doesn't happen, but let's just, for the sake of this—

Right.

I just say, okay, because it's a value thing. And one thing I don't believe I ever need to do is I do not need to prove myself to anyone other than myself through my actions. And in owning those actions, in owning those actions, you actually end up living a life where things like that just stop happening to you. Because I think—

oh, that's big. Yeah, because you're not involved or engaged or giving your energy to them. Arky, I want to circle back to something you said because it's so important. I want you to go back through those physiological changes that happen because that's a shit ton of changes that happen when we get just slightly upset. So tell us again, what happens to our bodies on the inside when we just get— you flip the finger and we're still thinking about the dude 5 minutes later? What, what just happened to our bodies?

100%. So guys, what you've got to remember is that— remember earlier I talked to us about 100 million years ago, 300 million years ago, we were part of a tribe? Okay, back then, um, our lower brain used to have a— it still does, so do all reptiles, so do all mammals— have an ability to fight or flight. So what that was done is when we used to have to fight dinosaurs— I know that's a joke, guys, dinosaurs weren't around, it was saber-toothed tigers— but you get the point. Um, it was, it was a valuable tool, and it is still a valuable tool today, our fight-or-flight system. Um, it is— in, in America, I think they call it epinephrine. In, in Australia, they call it adrenaline. Um, there is a cascade that occurs within the body, uh, that, that fundamentally what it does, it prepares us for action. But action, not modern world action where there is no risk to life or limb.

No.

It prepares— that's what it— that's— it prepares us for old action. So for example, let's say you and I are on the battlefield ready to march to war and, and we're about to engage in conflict. It reduces our pain receptors, but it also reduces our cognitive ability to think because it redirects our blood flow to our muscles, to our heart, because it is either run or hold your ground. But in doing so, you cannot think. So this adrenaline cascade is the It's the sympathetic nervous system triggered.

Okay.

And then, it takes about 15 to 20 minutes for that sympathetic nervous system, for the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. And, the parasympathetic nervous system then calms everything down. But, in those 15 minutes, you don't store memories as well, you can be more aggressive, or it can lead to panic. So, elevated heart rate, elevated breathing, In doing so, again, the gaseous exchange in the lungs or the alveoli, they come to the blood, the blood supply goes to the heart, that is less efficient. So, we are in the time when we become panic. So, when that leads into panic as opposed to running away, if you're running away, it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. And, if there is a saber-toothed tiger, run away. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Definitely run away from a saber-toothed tiger. But, outside of that, what I learned was, let me give an example everyone can relate to that is not in a car. Say, for example, the boss says, can I see you in my office now? And then boom.

I'm in trouble. Like I told my husband the other day, what did I say? I said, um, you need to come look at this or something. I said, we need to talk or something. He was— it was about bath— it was about Epsom salt, but he was like, don't do that. He was like, don't do that. Yeah. So he had that kind of sinking moment of, oh shit, what's about to go down? Yeah.

But you see what that is, what that does, and I don't think management does it deliberately, but in that moment when you go to their office, you are automatically at a disadvantage because you have read that. Yes. And so they can ask you questions and you can't think clearly because the brain is engaged in the fight or flight response.

So with nowhere to go, there's nowhere to go.

Exactly. So this is a semi-joke, guys, but it's also semi-true. If you can just wait out about 15 minutes, it will get better. So what I normally do is when— it's rare it happens, but when it does, and often when it happens, it's nothing. Do you know what I mean? But let's say there is something. I'll often just say, and this is the Western world, no one's going to stop you going for a number 2. Yeah, I'll be up there in a minute. I just need to use the bathroom. And just sit on the toilet for 15 minutes.

I'm so tired.

Deep breathing.

I had a really big dinner.

And, and by the time you go in, you're already on a level playing field cognitively.

Clearly. Oh goodness. Yeah, absolutely.

There is also, like, if anyone's really interested, there's like cortisol and, and stress hormones and blah blah blah, but, but fundamentally the primary one in that moment is the adrenaline cascade. And if anyone wants to look into that, it is remarkable. It talks about the amygdala, and I— there's, there's no point getting into the, the, the, the, the trenches with it, but Fundamentally, you cannot think clearly during that. And in doing so, if you've allowed an external factor to trigger it, it is so— I want people to know that because you are now aware of this, you can take conscious steps to actually look what triggers you, and then you can actually stop that cascade again because you're like, I know you, son.

Yeah, yeah. Well, and Arky, um, And eventually, if we stay in that chronic stress state chronically, it's going to make our body sick because our bodies are not built to produce those chemicals all the time. Talk to that a little bit.

So remember, this is, this is interesting, guys. So for one, our lifespans are longer. For two, our basic needs have been taken care of by our ancestors' willingness to sacrifice for the future. So the farms we have, the roads we have, the hospitals we have— someone has spent their time and their life energy to develop those techniques that we take for granted right now. Um, the other thing we've done is through science we've cracked nitrogen. Nitrogen can be used as fertilizer so we can feed more animals than we ever could before. We could grow more crops than we ever could before. Through animal husbandry, we've selectively bred This comes to a point, guys. Don't worry. We've selectively breeded many, many, many, many animals to a point where they are incredibly efficient breeders and we can get high yields. We also undertake things like, be honest, factory farming. So we're able to to to to. So what I'm trying to say here is that all our basic needs in the Western societies have been met by by our ancestors' sacrifices and our current people's sacrifices now. And we are part of that side. I'm very, very grateful for it because it allows us.

to have time to have conversations like this. But in doing so, this is not something that our bodies were ever, ever prepared for. And evolution is millions, if not trillions of years long. I mean, I often say this, and I'll just slightly go off point and I'll come back. It'll be a very short point, okay?

Go for it. You're on this from the edge. That's what we like. Okay, awesome.

So, if you think of it this way, guys, is that Before the Big Bang, before the Big Bang, there was infinite potential, infinite potential in the energy that existed before the Big Bang. And infinite potential is infinite potential for everything that come after that. So therefore, if you— if we— if we were to use a word to define infinite potential for everything, the shortest possible word we could use, we could use a word called God. Now, you can attach whatever label you want to that, but you can use that word. It's the— in the English language, that's the shortest word that we can use to identify Something that can create something from nothing and is, is everything. So therefore, that same energy that created the universe and then ultimately created the, um, the Milky Way and then ultimately created the, the, the, the sun and then solar system, which is where we live. And then I think, are we the 3rd rock from the sun? Is that the— was that the one with Mork and Mindy? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, it was.

And, um, and we live on here, and then our ancestors built everything where we've got to where we are now. So, so short, short version is, is that if we can just accept the very chance— and, and, and you can stew on this, and one way to do this is try to get out to the nature on a cloudless night and look deep into the stars and just appreciate you are part of that same system. If you can appreciate that, but then also realize that the smallest needs have been met then energy allocation. And I read— I discovered this very, very recently in terms of in myself. So I recently had a terrible, terrible, uh, COVID, just, just very recently. It stopped me, it stopped me in my tracks. And, and one part of recovery that was, was— that became obvious to me was energy allocation within the body.

Yep.

And, um, one, when I rested more, even though my instinct was to still do and push through, I actually recovered better. Now, some people might say, well, that's a cytokine response where the cytokine response goes out, it creates fever, it creates muscle aches to stop you moving. Yes, but also, it is fundamentally an energy allocation within the body. And so, this comes back to the point, if I put energy, which the brain uses a lot of energy towards things that I either cannot control are negative or are not going to produce any outcome, I will live in that track.

Right.

Therefore, cortisol will be released. Fundamentally, our bodies will be undertaking a cascade where we have to clean that system out. So, I think it's macrophages. They clean the bodily system out. And, the problem is that the more energy you put into negative endeavors, or worrying about things you cannot control, or not, not taking small steps to do things that you can control when they need to be done, then unfortunately that clutter, that clutter will build. And so therefore, even though if it might not be a physical manifestation of illness, there will be less energy, there will be less um, happy thoughts. There will be less action, and therefore the consequences will be that your life will be less rich.

Um, wow. Yeah, so you're missing out. Yeah, you're missing out on where the good stuff is when you're focused on the stuff you cannot control. Talk to us about Stoicism in modern life. How did you How did you come about the philosophy and what does it really mean for us now?

100%. So earlier on, I mentioned the book the kids left me, you know, with the hangover.

Yeah.

The Marcus Aurelius, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. So that just fell into my lap. I won't go into too much detail on Marcus Aurelius, but fundamentally, he was a Roman emperor who had all the power in the world and chose not to use it unless it was for the betterment of his people. even if it meant he had to sacrifice. And also, reason it was really relevant is he lived a thing— he lived— they lived through a thing called the Antoine Plague that made our recent plague look, you know, in terms of death rate, it was, it was, it was, it was hell on earth by all accounts, you know, from the ancient historians. Now, now, how we bring that into the modern world. So for me, the biggest Stoic, um, the biggest one is loci of control. Because what Stoicism teaches is not to be a passenger. A lot of people— like, this is where there's a misconception. A lot of people think, oh, I'm a Stoic, I don't feel anything. You know, Stoics feel deeply, they reflect honestly, and they have an open dialogue with themselves.

Wow.

Because they understand that if they can control something, if they can write their own story, They must. It is a duty to do so because you have agency. But if— and, and I don't mean to be— this is a bit of an extreme example, but if, if there was a— and God forbid this— but if there was a fire to burn down my house tomorrow, the only thing I could do would be to hope my insurance paid out. But if it didn't, what can I do to rebuild my life? Because being upset of something that's already happened that I can no longer get back, I do not have a time machine. I cannot manipulate space-time. And so therefore, the only thing I can do is look forward. You must let go of the tragedy. And people might say, well, that's so easy for you to say. Well, it is easy to say. Yes, it is easy. And yes, it is incredibly hard to do. But if you put your attention on what you can control— so let's take this example with the house burning down. Okay? So what can you do? Well, first of all, you could have had insurance.

But second, let's say you didn't. Okay. So therefore, can I rely on my community? Can I rely on my friends? Can I start a Kickstarter? Can I afford rent in a place or can I stay in somebody's barn or must I live in my car? Each one of those is a decision that leads to a next decision. But any one of them at any point could completely defeat you or it could define you because in taking control, you maintain authorship. You're not a passenger. And, and, and the thing is, if you let other people live your life for you, they will. Now—

Oh, they will. They will take control really fast. Yeah, they will. Yeah, they will. Well, Arky, talk to us about blind spots. What are we missing? Where are our blind spots in, in the work that you've done with people?

Blind spots, guys. Look, in short, with blind spots is every single one of us have them, and it is up to us to examine ourselves to ask where they are. Now, There will be hints. There will be really, really good hints throughout your life of to what they are. So for example, if you find a recurring pattern, uh, that, that, that's happening with you, there is likely something that you're doing that is causing that to—

Yeah, you've got to look at that. If this shows up 3, 4, 5, 20 times, guys, it's trying to tell you something.

Absolutely. And, and so that pattern recognition in the self is a must to see your blind spots because if you don't, you're doomed to repeat it. And I think also, if you're going to be honest, that if you say, for example, alcohol or anything that changes the brain, those things, they work in terms of changing the state of where you are at the time. And it allows you not to think, not to be who you are. Because it fundamentally, um, fundamentally it changes the conscious state.

Yeah.

So conscious intention and actively looking for these blind spots through repeated patterns, you will identify things that keep happening to you. And, and let's say even, let's say even something that a lot of people can relate to. Let's say a disrespectful child that is your child and you've had full agency over them. They were never taken by the state or anything. This is your child. They've lived with you their whole life. You must, you must take responsibility to the fullest you can for your role in their outcomes.

Yeah.

And in doing so, you must identify like, okay, so this gives this result, this goes this result. And also, in doing so, in taking ownership of the bits that you could have done better, you can start doing them better, but also celebrating their personality, The, the divergence from you, the finding their footprints in life.

They're a human that is separate from you guys. They're another human. Learn your human. Learn your kid as a human. Seriously, like, yeah, learn who they are. And you know what? I don't care how old they are. Reconciliation is always possible, and change is always possible in your relationship with your children. Even if you're 60 and you've been estranged from them for 20 years, it's always possible. But you got to do this, right? You got to do this. It's— what did you call it, Arky? What kind of reflection? You called it something reflection.

With regards to the self-reflection of the— yeah. So introspection. It's— you must— basically, you must self-evaluate. But in doing so, like what you just said about seeing them as a human. So this again is agency of control. It comes back to the Stoicism. What can you actually control? You can control your thoughts and you can control your actions, but you do not have— you do not have ownership of anybody else's life. That is something only the universe can give. And, and so therefore, if you can do that at the same time, spirit guides exist, angels exist. Um, I, I mean that in terms of like, you can even say demons exist. And we can say that either— we can say really that they're physical things, or We can look at things throughout our life of times where we've given, um, selflessly, or we've taken for our own gain at the expense of others. And what you need to try to do is, is there has to be a balance. And so with that, with the children, with their growth, is you must correct the things that you do and give them the information to correct themselves.

But yes, give them the tools. Yes, please.

But yeah, don't, don't see them as an extension of you because they are not. And, and so by doing this, what you will do is you will set clear boundaries where you are. And, and also, I'm going to be honest, guys, if you're paying the bills, then you, you do have some— you do have, you do have a rudder so you can steer that. You can help steer the direction.

That's your job.

Yeah, it's your job.

Yeah, that's your job. Well, how, how, Arky, how with Personality Peak, how do we, how do we become who we really are in identity and reinvention and reclaiming ourselves? And instead of giving all of our power away, how do we start taking some of it back?

So look, Personality Peak, the reason it was, was done is that, um, I'd undertaken the Myers-Briggs, which is a, which is basically a 4-dimensional quiz with 16 potential outcomes. I then undertook like the Big 5 and many of the others. And I always felt like, okay, so what now? So what now? You know, you did it and then it's like, you've got this label.

I know this. What do I do with this?

What do I do with this? And so the initial mission was to— I did a 6 by 4. So fundamentally, 6 to the power of 2 gives you 64 potential outcomes. So that's the fun side of it. So you still get an archetype. You still get a code. And the idea was earlier on— it's still fun. It's— the idea is, is because let's let— I mean, if life isn't a game, then what is it? You know what I mean? And we must play because, because if we don't play, we're in it.

I tell my daughter that. I was like, you gotta play the game. You can just— I'm sorry. She's like, there is no point in this and I see through all of it. I'm like, I understand, because she's such a smart kid. I said, I— and she's— but she's also— there's some stuff going So I— and she sees through the bullshit. I get it, but you got to play the game. So you gotta play the game.

So in, in, in, in, in what I tried to do is firstly is the mirror concept. So what Personality Peak does is after you've taken the quiz, it's the same as in the morning when I've put my makeup on and I've, um, trimmed my beard and got rid of my grays. Um, it's, uh, I don't put my grays, guys, but I'm just— you get the point. What I see at that time is a snapshot in the mirror of me at that moment. Okay? What happens when I leave that mirror? There's no longer the guy in the mirror. I might have smudged something. I might have toothpaste around my lips. It's a snapshot. But each moment from there, I've actually set myself up. The idea of the mirror, the concept of the mirror, you could argue the narcissist story, which is where he got enamored with his own with his own image, but it's not that. The idea of the mirror is to give you a snapshot of your best self in that time. So firstly, you must be honest with yourself. And I would recommend in answering the questions as if you were alone in the night when no one was watching, and you are trying to just be as brutally honest with yourself, because the more honest you can be, the more that you can look at— the longer you can stare, the more you will see.

And, and so you get basically grab that moment in time of where you are right now. But what that should do is I developed this thing called the 1%. So if there's 1% of that data that you can take that makes that you can identify with, and then you can action and then do that 1% to make it better, then you will start taking steps towards living a life that that is. it is more fulfilling than it was the day before. And I'll give you— can I get a tiny example just to say this? So, when I took mine, when I first did it, so it took about a year and a half to develop the science, the mathematics. But before that, there was years and years of philosophy. I wrote a number of books on stoicism, on self-help, and a couple of dystopian novels as well. This was 10, 15 years ago for my pleasure. I published them through Amazon Self-Publish. Didn't formally publish. And, um, short version is, is when I took my test, I got the free thinker, and it suited me really, really well. But what it told me was that I can have these ideas, and I can— I, I will act on them and see them through really good.

But one of my blind spots was, because I'm a very rapid pattern recognition guy, I would often not allow others in the room to voice that because I would get frustrated they were so slow to come to the same conclusions.

That's so interesting.

But even though 85% of the time they ended up at my conclusion, when I learned to sit back and listen, there was 15% of the time when there was real value added. And so I now, after— and this was one small step I did. I now, instead of be the first to speak in a meeting, I aim to be the last to speak unless I'm called upon. And in doing so, I have more points of data to make a more informed decision, and I believe I'm richer for it.

Ah, yeah, that makes perfect sense. Well, I'm excited. I'm excited about it. I'm gonna be checking it out later tonight. So how can we find this? How can we find Personality Peak, Arky?

All right, thank you. So it's just, um, personalitypeek.com. So think of it like this, take a peek at your personality. Um, one thing I've tried to do differently as well, guys, is you will get a full enriched result at no cost to you, and you don't even, you don't even need an email for that because that was one thing I didn't like about the other sites, as you know, like data harvesting, because people might not be—

Yeah.

Yeah, not be— if you did want to, which obviously I would love, if you did want to sign up, there's actually no cost to sign up as well. The other thing that I've done is after you've taken the quiz, you can sign up and you can actually take a series of other quizzes, everything from like what type of hero are you right down to what type of cat best represents your personality. But that's in a separate stream.

Oh, I love it! Oh my gosh, as a kid I used to love those cute quizzes in the magazines. I love it. I'm so excited. All right, guys, you don't have to write that down. We're gonna post the link for it here so it'll be clickable. And you can go straight to it. And it sounds like you can get started at no cost, right?

Yeah, 100%. And one other thing I just want people to know is that the results get saved in their timeline if they log in, still at no cost, and they can come back and revisit that timeline. And, and that will give them insights into where they go. There's also a bookstore where every archetype has got a book that has been, has been written over many, many years to how they handle— so very, very, very niche-specific. So like your particular archetype in love, Yeah, your particular archetype in the workplace, different situations. They're not long books, but they are very specific to that archetype. And short version is that it is supposed to be— what I'm trying to do is celebrate that we are born and we die and the journey happens in between. And if you can live a rich journey in between, that is all anyone can ask for.

Oh. And with that, I mean, I think we're gonna wrap up. Oh my goodness, I'm gonna be checking it out tonight. I've got one more meeting after you, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna go tonight. So guys, we're gonna provide that link for you. It'll be clickable. You don't have to write that down, but it's really easy. Personality Peek, P-E-E-K. Um, Arky, before we close out, we always ask our guests 2 questions. You ready for them?

Yeah.

All right, the first question is, in your own life What did you perform in order to survive? And what did dropping that role mask or performance do for your life?

Yeah, so, um, I would— I would— I had this philosophy that I would always be there for other people no matter what. And I— and, and in that, I realized that, that I was completely and utterly devalued by them because they would take me for granted. So in doing so, in doing so, I, um, in dropping that behavior, I actually became sought after, um, because my attention was my own and I would give it only when I chose and not because I had— yes, yeah, perfect. That's— and so that was— it's short, but that is— that absolutely changed my life, that shift in mindset.

Yeah, I love that you were sought after because you took all of your energy back. And people feel that. They feel that immediately. They feel it. Well, Arky, what do you wish— the second question— what do you wish we were conversing more about? What should we be talking more about with each other that we're not?

Yeah, for me, one thing that I find difficult is— and we have actually touched on it today— is I find it a struggle that many people are not willing to have conversations along the lines of what can I do for you but that suits me? Do you know what I mean? So we have this performative kind of society where everyone wants to be seen with this new car or this new dress or this new bag or the biggest house. And I don't like it because I was lucky enough that I worked hard enough after being kicked out of home at 16 years old that I was able to get a house. I was able to buy a house at 20 through hard work and sacrifice and build a home and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But What I'm trying to say is that if you could realize that money is, is either a means to enable you or a means to entrap you, then you can— you would live 2 different lives. And so if you ever find yourself taking debt for anything that is not absolutely essential for human survival, remember that you have banked your future self against today's prom— a promise from today.

And, and so then doing for you are indebted. And so try not, unless it's absolutely necessary, to be indebted or beholden to anyone or anything unless it's completely through your free choice and your ownership of, you know, your, your giving. But, but it must be because you deeply wanted to do it, not because you think it's for— yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Intentional.

Yes, intentional.

Intentional.

And try not to unless it's absolutely intentional.

Yeah, yeah. And make choices, conscious choices. Be aware of what you're doing. So, Arky, if people get super stuck, what should they do to reach out to you for extra support?

So there's— if you just go through the channel, guys, there's a, there's a, there's an, um, email on there. And if you do join up, I actually do offer one-on-one coaching sessions as well. That isn't, that isn't part of the free service, but you can do that. But either through socials— the socials are manned 24 hours as well. I have a small, a small team, so we— you can always just, you know, ask any questions. Or if you want podcasting, anything like that, give me a shout. But fundamentally, guys, um, we will— I or one of the guys will reply to almost all emails, unless maybe you ask for my bank account, then not happening.

Yeah, guys, don't, don't, don't take advantage of it. All right, my friends, listen, thank you, Argic Man. That was, that was a lot. You are, you are Uh, throwing out a lot of wisdom today. Thank you so much, and it's good to have you back. Uh, my friends, as we close out, I'm going to ask you the same question: what in your own life did you perform in order to survive, and what might dropping that role mask or performance do to change it, maybe make you feel lighter? You never know. I'm your host, Lisa Lacey. Our guest has been Arky Jones. And when you find the answer to that question, welcome to the edge. We'll see you next time. Thank you, Arky.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.