Transcript of Episode 665: Florida Files - Pain in the Everglades New

There's no place to escape to.

This is the last podcast.

On the left.

That's when the cannibalism started.

What was that?

Lord, Lord, Lord. Oh my Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord.

Most Kilter.

Lord, I just want to say today, give us the strength to podcast. Oh Lord, please give us your blessings today, Lord. Try to make podcasting easier. Try to make podcasting more fun and more fulfilling, Lord. Fill it all, fill it with sounds, Lord. Fill it with ads, Lord. Oh Lord, please do our sell-through rate on this, on this here episode, Lord. Please give us our sell-through rate, Lord.

Ooh, I feel the retention. Tension rates going high.

Oh Lord, oh, will it be sticky enough for them, Lord? Oh, pray Lord, pray Lord, we keep them to the final quadrant, Lord.

Yeah, man, I wish I could play a big old organ right now. Yeah, welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with God's right-hand man, Henry Zabraski.

But I'm gonna stab him in the back for a piece of silver. Yes, I am revealed to be I'd be Judas.

Oh yes.

Ah yes. I trick God. I try act like I'd be his best friend and then I took the fish and then I fucking sold him to the Italians.

You had the balls. You'd stab him in the front.

Honestly, I tell you what, I never even believed that Jesus was the son of God. I just thought he was full of fucking shit.

And if you look at the cross that they took him off, he was.

Yep.

And the man who's in charge today, it's Ed Larson.

Lord protect Ed Larson. Lord, Lord, let Ed Larson's legs episode be successful and be comparable to his other very successful episodes. Lol.

I got a good feeling about this one because today we're talking about pain.

Good.

In the Everglades.

Oh yes.

Have you—

have you got a cramp?

What happened to you?

Jesus. Immediately I got a cramp.

You got a cramp?

Wait, your whole body? No, give me a sec.

It's water. I say cramp.

This isn't like winded from your spirit. Is this God attacking you?

No, my body's tired. My body is tired.

I like that scene in The Distinguished Gentleman where the man says he has a cramp, then he has a heart attack and dies.

Did you fart? No. I'm allowed. M-A-R-M. Back to our regular scheduled programming.

Yes. There's pain in the studio. There's pain in the Everglades. Today we're going down south, baby. I hope you're ready. Have you guys ever been to the Everglades?

No.

No.

It's crazy to me. You would love it, actually.

Yeah, you think so?

It's like the only thing that I think you would like about South Florida.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Is it just because it's beautiful?

It is gorgeous.

All right. You know, it's natural.

There's lots of, you know, it's great. The Miccosukee tribe is very cool down there.

Sure.

There's lots of great airboat rides you can go on. It's a beautiful time. The sunset's probably the best in the world, comparable.

I'm extremely frightened of it.

Oh, you should be.

And I mostly have been in Miami. Yes. But that's largely concrete and maduros.

I went to the Everglades with your sister, you fucker.

What? You know, you in, you out. 'Cause you were there at the time for the Super Bowl.

Yes, yeah, we went during the Super Bowl. I got this shirt and we went airboat riding. It was a lot of fun in Everglades National Park.

But you lived.

I lived very well because I didn't get off the fucking boat. So what if I told you that there was a place where alligators and crocodiles coexisted in peace?

I would say, nice cope, you fucking— you cuck.

I thought you'd probably say something to the effect of, I didn't realize that they couldn't coexist in the first place.

I didn't realize that they couldn't coexist in the first place.

I actually had no idea.

Well, they can't. They're basically the Crips and the Bloods. Bloods. Okay. Remember the 1992 Watts Truce?

I do.

Where the red and blue, they came together to stop the violence after the LA riots.

Yeah. They had sent me in to negotiate.

Yes. Well, this place is like that except with alligators and crocodiles. I'm talking about the Florida fucking Everglades. God, I love the Everglades. I grew up down there. There's the lake behind my house. The water was fed in from the Everglades, so it was just filled with water moccasins and gators. It was fucking, Really cool. It's a great place to be.

No, I understand. Growing up in, like, you grow up in the Florida Everglades, which are extremely dangerous. I grew up in West Texas, which is also very dangerous.

Yeah.

Plenty of rattlesnakes everywhere.

Lots of rattlesnakes in the Everglades. Yeah.

Yeah.

I would say you definitely, you have the danger over me.

Oh yes. Because we got all of these other animals and plus the people.

Yeah. I also grew up in the Italian American streets of Queens, New York City, and I had to deal with organized crime and stickball.

Gators in the sewers. Yep. Gators in the sewers.

Sewers, gators on my feet because I was given shoes by the local mobster.

Now I know Crips and Bloods, weird way to introduce the topic, but the Everglades are a weird place covering 1.5 million acres of wetland, forest, and marine habitats. The Everglades are a great place to escape reality, taking a perfect purple sunset over the sawgrass and hide someone you just murdered. Whatever floats your boat, you know what I'm saying?

I like to hide bodies of the people I murdered.

That's right, Henry. Let's say you murder someone in— let's pick a random city, uh, Cincinnati.

Great, great. Uh, where we just were.

Yeah, we just were. I got family there, you know. So what you're going to want to do with that pesky old corpse is you gotta hop on I-75 South, keep on driving, go, go, go, go, go. You hit the swamp, no muss, no fuss.

Can I also give a bit of advice?

Yeah, sure.

Use a circular saw to cut around the joints, right? First you're going to want to cut all the meat around the joints, and then you're going to use a littler knife to actually work your way into the joint of the knee on both sides. You're going to want to take that off. You're going to want to take the arms off at the shoulder. You're also probably going to want to take the head off at the neck. That's going to require a bigger saw because you want to get to the meat, then you get to the bone itself. Then you're going to chop into the little spinal cord thing, and then you're slowly going to work the head back and forth until it pops off. I would then wrap those pieces in tarp, put that in a giant cooler, then drive that to the Everglades and then feed 'em piece by piece.

Now we're gonna get to it a little bit and I'm gonna tell you why you're wrong and you're working too hard.

Working way too hard. Work smarter, not harder.

Thank God he stopped me.

You know, it is another example. Maybe you're a local South Floridian, a Delray Beach bro dude named Randy, red-faced and driving drunk home from a Flanagan's.

Wow.

Like many Randys do 7 nights a week. Oh yeah.

You know, never knew a sober Randy.

Not one.

By the way, Hey, when you visit Flanagan's, they got phenomenal wings. The ribs ain't nothing to turn your nose up at either. And don't sleep on those dolphin's fingers.

Mm, mm.

They let you keep the cup.

Also, Flanagan's, that's a big Casey Anthony spot.

Oh, I bet.

Oh yeah.

She'd do really well in a Flanagan's.

She does do very well in a Flanagan's.

Do you know which one she goes to?

I don't know, but it's a regular. I mean, she's welcomed. Casey Anthony is welcome at Flanagan's.

They don't give a fuck what you've done at Flanagan's.

I'm pretty certain I've got a lot of messages that Casey Anthony has like a mean girl group sort of runs, I wanna say it's the Flanagan's of Fort Lauderdale.

There's a couple in Fort Lauderdale. Yeah.

And so she runs like a mean girl clique that has to like, people like, she's like taking over the scene. Like you have to be in with Casey Anthony to get a good table at Flanagan's.

Well anyway, so you're leaving Flanagan's, you're swerving and scooting, listening to Buffett's A1A album. It's fucking kicking, you know? All right. You pull into your gated community out west, just past 441. You wave hello to the stoner gate guy. You, You turn left while tearing up to a pirate looks at 40 and you clip a teenager on a scooter. Oopsie doodles.

Thanks for clipping me. Now I don't have to go to homeschool. Yeah.

And he's screaming. He recognizes you. He says, Randy, did you do this?

I'm going to tell everyone. You're going to spend the rest of your life in prison, Randy.

Yeah. So you grab a handful of Bermuda grass and you just jam it down his throat and you pinch his nose till he stops moving. And all you hear is the chorus of green tree frogs while you realize your life has changed forever. It could happen to anyone.

That's a Buffett story.

There's so many scooter boys around. Mm-hmm.

You see what you're gonna want—

I say scooter men, scooter adults.

What you're gonna want to do in this situation is you're gonna want to throw a ball cap on them, stick them in the passenger seat, take the carpool lane south, swing a right on old US 41, aka Alligator Alley, ride that bitch till the radio stops working, no muss, no fuss, and shit, Miller's Ale House is open till 2, so you got some time to get some zingers and a nightcap. You're pretty sure that cute bartender Stephanie is working tonight and you got to harass her anyway.

You have plugged more restaurants and bars than we have talked about dangers of the Everglades so far. The Everglades saved the day again.

Over 175 unsolved murders.

My God. And is that 175 just Bodies they've found?

Murdered bodies.

Murdered bodies they've found.

Yes, plenty of people go there to just commit suicide. Oh, good, good. Or just get lost and die.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, but these are murders that they know are murders and they have no idea who did them because they left the body in the Everglades.

Has there ever been a case of somebody so terminally ill that they would just lay down and wait for an anaconda to take them?

There's no anacondas in the Everglades, just pythons and boa constrictors, and those are relatively new.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I'm sure they'll show up one day though. Yeah. We do have Nile crocodiles now though, so that's good. Hey, well.

Wow.

Yes.

I guess the state in Florida is in the, uh, they're in the actually in the state of denial. Woo!

Ben, look at this, you're taking my role today. That's really nice. I like that you've moved the words around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.

Oh dude, I stole that joke from a sticker.

Listen, you ain't finding nobody dumped in the Glades. This area is perfect for making bodies disappear thanks to a number of environmental factors. First off, there's the terrain. This thing spans 4,300 square miles and is visually repetitive. Marsh, sawgrass, swamp, repeat.

And what did we learn from the police detective that worked on the Rex Huerman case that I thought was really interesting?

What?

That one of the— one detail that they noticed more than anything when it comes to serial killers or organized crime members hiding bodies is that one key is no bends in the road and no off-ramps. You need a clear view all the way down. Like, you need an empty— with that, you can go down and has a hidden area. Yeah, which is what the Everglades is perfect for.

Alligator Alley, particularly. There's no gas station. Yeah, it's like 3 hours.

Yeah, and you see, the idea is that you want to be able to look miles down the road in either way before you could see somebody coming. So that's a serial killer's preferred spot.

Yeah, also in the middle of the Everglades with the sawgrass and everything, these conditions make bodies really hard to spot from an aircraft, which means rescue teams need to use airboats and wading crews. And to quote the great Kimberly Sweet Brown Wilkins, ain't nobody got time for that.

No. I mean, they pay them, but it's awful work.

It's awful work.

Yeah.

They don't know. I think a lot of times they're actually volunteers.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. If there's a disaster or something like that.

I would not count on volunteers to find me. I'd really want professional guys.

I don't think you get to choose.

Damn. Fuck. Can I put that in my living will? I have money!

People gotta find me!

I entertain people! You know what?

I could really see that being your last words. Please help me! I entertain people! I'm a comedian! 3 words: I have money.

And then—

No!

I'm sorry! It's not liquid!

So here's why your cooler thing is so unnecessary, Henry. There's also the water itself. The warm, fresh water of the Everglades provides an environment for bacteria to thrive, which helps accelerate the rate of decomposition. There's a whole scientific explanation with this with lots of big words, but to summarize, if the crocs and gators don't eat your body, your body will eat itself, and the water will help you become human soup. Cool.

Yeah, the word sloth is definitely going to apply here quite badly.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, when the sloth gets thick, the sloth gets good.

And the bodies, they just don't decompose faster down there, they also decompose differently. See, the result is bodies that within 24 hours are almost unrecognizable to the naked eye thanks to, quote, skin slippage, tissue softening, and severe bloating.

Oh, is that what happened to Russell Crowe? Did he fall in there?

He hung out for way too long. There was a buffet. And yeah, so anytime the water conditions sound like the side effects of an, of an SSRI, that's probably going to be a bad sign, you know what I'm saying?

The Everglades may cause skin slippage, tissue softening, and severe bloating. Ask your doctor if the Everglades are right for you.

I tell you what, they weren't really kidding about the fucking bloating. I'm full of water moccasins.

And finally we get to the animals. I know we all picture an alligator eating a body the same way. Fancy candlelit dinner at a table with a napkin around its neck, fork and knife in each hand.

Yeah, dude, I want him to have a wine pairing. I want him to be restaurant week.

Yeah, but this ain't Tiana's Bayou Adventure, man. It's real life. Okay. And in real life, they don't actually eat the whole body. They bite at it and disfigure it and drag it and toss it to other gators and then submerge you completely and put you under a rock and eat you a week later. They just generally anything that'll make it really hard to identify you.

Yeah.

It's fucking cool.

It is cool. And I feel like alligators are like sea criminals.

Are there any other like scavengers out in—

I mean, there's plenty of vultures.

Yeah.

You know, there's lots of, you know, pretty much any snapping turtles will eat fucking anything.

Just sitting there. Joe Exotic's cousins.

Yes.

And then the fish, the fish will straight up eat you.

Of course.

Yeah.

Oh, so it's— there's going to be a million ways for you to find—

there's alligator gar, there's regular gar, there's like— and then like, it's the only place where like at certain points you'll get like saltwater fish. So sometimes they'll find like bull sharks will make their way into the Everglades sometimes. Like, it's because a bull shark, as we learned from the attack in New Jersey, which one day I'll cover, but they can live in freshwater for up to 2 years.

Oh wow. And snapping turtles are no slouch. There was a—

they're fucked fucking scary and huge.

There was a girl who died in a, uh, it was some sort of like water tank, uh, when I was a kid. It was like our local like mysterious death.

Yeah.

Uh, and the snapping turtles got to her and ate up that body pretty fast.

Oh yeah, yeah, they can fucking— they'll rip your toes off. They'll straight up like— they'll— you can bite through your fingers. They're, they're badass. Yeah, they're very scary. They're huge. They'll get like this big.

Yeah, no, we had snapping turtles around all all over the place.

So the glades aren't just there for murderers to ditch bodies. Sometimes planes crash there and the bodies ditch themselves. So let me tell you about May 11th, 1996, ValuJet Flight 592. Now before I get into it, I know this sounds like victim blaming, but anyone who flies on something called ValuJet is kind of asking for trouble.

Yeah, it does feel like a little dollar store, like, I mean, you're Definitely full of gamblers, I'd say.

Yeah.

Oh God, yes. Now I know we're trying to save a few bucks on vacation, but I think you should steer clear of any airline that sounds like it's a dollar store.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, it was a horrible airline, man. All middle seats, you know. I don't even know how they did it.

Mannequins. Mannequins. Like, strangely enough, like, they spent all their money on mannequins.

Super chubby employees just sit there, just take up the aisles.

Oh, obviously you've never heard of ValueJet, most likely. But, um, after the crash, ValueJet rebranded as AirTran Airlines, which merged into AirTran Airways, which later integrated into Southwest Airlines. So the legacy of the worst plane ever still lives on today. But back to 1996, where 105 passengers and 5 crew members boarded a flight from Miami to Atlanta, and 10 minutes into the journey, disaster struck.

You know, I actually didn't realize how close the Everglades were to Miami.

Oh yes. Oh yeah, they're right there.

Yeah, I had no idea.

No, you just go— it's literally like it's the city and then it's Everglades and then the rest of Florida. Yeah, you know, it's just like the— through all the way to the Gulf Coast. So this plane crash I'm talking about, I actually heard this plane go down. I was at a car dealership and some horrible cracker was taking my dad to the cleaners on a cherry red Chevy Cavalier.

You mean your dad wasn't an incredible negotiator? I have a feeling your dad is kind of like my dad where he used to slap like, hey, $75,000. All right, I'll give you $80,000. Yeah, okay, I'll get you one more.

Listen, I love the Cavalier. It was a convertible. It was very nice. Of course, you know, it wasn't a great car, but at least it wasn't a friggin' RAV4.

You know what I'm saying? Those fucking— anybody that wants to sell you a RAV4 is an Iranian sleeper agent. That's what's happening. They're from North Korea and they're trying to fucking destabilize the country.

So I'm sitting there just waiting for this to go over because you know how long it takes to buy a car, especially when they're stealing time yet.

Oh yeah, they really let you know.

So suddenly we hear this loud plane go overhead and it like shook the whole fucking building. We're like, whoa, that one was close. And a little later we're in the lobby and we saw the crash on the news. Wow. It was fucking crazy.

Yeah.

No come up, but I've gotten to see slash hear a couple cool disasters in my day. Wow.

Yeah.

Challenger, Miracle on the Hudson. Still don't make up for sleeping through 9/11, but 9/10 was worth it.

You saw the Miracle on the Hudson?

Yeah, I was working at IAC Building on 9th floor and I was restocking all the candy and then all of a sudden there was some chick up there and she just starts screaming and then I look up and the fucking thing hits the Hudson and then we had, uh, like a telescope and I'm just looking at the people standing on the wing and I'm like, these motherfuckers are dead. Cause it was February.

Yeah. Yeah.

But they all lived.

Yeah. Yeah. It was disheartening. Just you in that monkey suit. They put you in that suit. Just you just sitting there going, going, those motherfuckers are dead. I got like two hands full of Reese's Cups. God fucking damn it. Another pile of corpses. All right, you want some Charleston Chew? Carol wants her pink paper.

Yeah, Mr. Barry Diller, come on over and look at the corpses.

Oh, excellent. Now I can finally get hard and fuck my fake wife.

So here's how the plane went down. The oxygen masks, they're supposed to help in the event of emergency. But what if I told you that they caused the emergency? I believe you. That's what happened here as 144 chemical oxygen canisters were not only expired but also improperly secured in the cargo bay.

That's the ValueJet promise.

And dude, this fucking flight, ValueJet was done the next day. It was so funny.

It feels like whoever ran ValueJet was quiet quitting.

Yeah. I don't feel like doing this anymore.

Just stop.

But just stop.

'What's up with the oxygen tanks in which someday gonna explode and we're not gonna do it anymore?' Honestly, I need to fight for my own mental health.

And this is a boundary I'm setting. The oxygen tanks will just be loosely in the plane. And I'm doing that for my own mental well-being. Okay? The boundary is here.

Yeah, like, to this day, it kind of changed everything. You know when you check in for a flight and they ask you if you're bringing any combustible materials on the plane and you think, 'Why would anyone fucking do that?' The answer is ValuJet. The canisters started a fire onboard, and the pilot tried to reverse course back to Miami, but before they could make it, the plane crashed nose down in the Everglades, killing everyone on board. The plane landed in the mud and shallow water where the impact on the limestone floor shattered the aircraft and sent bodies flying everywhere. Crews responded immediately to search for said bodies, and to say they faced an uphill battle is an understatement.

It's like more of a down-swamp battle. Yes.

So they have waders, um, waders Servers, not waiters.

Yeah, they don't throw servers in there.

Maybe we had to— we can call them waters. Yeah, no, but that sounds like waters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, water waiters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do not think I should not be up to my waist in the—

okay, here's your helmet.

The specials! What about the daily specials?

So they enter the muck in the biohazard gear and masks, their sleeves and pant legs securely taped to their bodies to avoid coming in contact with all the bacteria or jet fuel. They went in teams of 6 for 20-minute shifts, bound together by a safety line in case one of them fell into a deep hole. I forgot to mention the Everglades just has a bunch of random deep holes.

I mean, that makes total sense. Yeah.

So when you say like the shallow water on average, do you know how deep Everglades water is?

You can usually like up to your tits. Okay. You can usually walk around.

It's about 4.5, 4.5, 5 feet.

You're walking on limestone.

Limestone. Well, there's a lot of mud and limestone, but like, just like I said, there's deep holes. There's fucking, you could be stepping on gators, you could be stepping on snakes. You don't know what the fuck's going on. Not to mention the sawgrass. They call it sawgrass because it literally cuts your skin as you walk through it.

I'm not going in it. Yeah. I'm not gonna go there.

Yeah. Hey, God, it's just, it's incredible how America is filled with places like this.

Oh, is it animals like this?

Yeah. Or, or like on the opposite side of the biome, we've got the Everglades and Death Valley.

Yes.

In the same fucking country. Dude, we've got everything.

Oh yeah, and we have genuine jungles up in Oregon and Washington, rainforest. Like, it's kind of— it is— America's a beautiful place.

It is, it is.

Hopefully we get it back one day.

One day.

Yeah. As if it wasn't bad enough, they had to be monitored. So listen, so they're like worried about the deep holes. They had like fucking helicopters equipped with snipers to shoot alligators and crocodiles and other assorted swamp monsters that would try to attack the waders.

Do you know that that's kind—

that is a fun job.

That's a fun-ass job.

Job.

Yes, just strapped into a helicopter.

He's like, just randomly. Yes, fuck yeah! I knew that nothing— I knew I'd do something cool that wasn't just shooting villagers.

All right, here's what all of it— here's the results that all reflected in. In the first 3 days, the searching yielded 40 body parts. Not bodies, body parts. The biggest one was a kneecap, which should put in perspective just how badly these bodies were destroyed in the first 72 hours. Wow. The search lasted for 7 weeks and eventually produced over 4,000 body fragments, which were used to positively identify 68 of the 110 bodies. 42 of the people on board were never ID'd from remains. I assume their identities were known from the tickets purchased, but that's operating under the assumption that ValuJet even checked IDs or logged purchases or owned a computer, which might be a stretch.

We do the old-fashioned way with graph paper. Yeah, it's supposed to be Xerox machines, graph paper.

When you took ValuJet back in the day, it was like Greyhound. You just kind of tossed your luggage in a plane going north and hope for the best.

I'll get off on one of the stops. My God.

So body fragments is just flesh, I guess.

Chunks of— chunks of—

yeah, bone that they found. It's just— yeah, it's nothing. It's nothing. It's an eyelid. But, you know, so this wasn't—

that's got to be a fun— like, look what I found. It's an eyelid.

Don't eat it.

Like, oh, wow, I've never seen an eyelid on its own. That's so fun.

But this wasn't the only Everglades plane crash. December 29th, 1972, Eastern Airlines Flight 401 was wrapping up from a flight from JFK to Miami. When I say wrapping up, I mean the black box recorded Captain Bob Loft welcoming passengers to Miami, telling them that temperatures were in the low 70s.

You got a low, pure, perfect Miami evening coming in, low 70s. Now, if you could see, man, you were outside of your windows, It's quite a beautiful night out there tonight. Hope you can enjoy. Oh my fucking God.

Basically, yes. They were in the home stretch. Then Loft noticed that the nose gear light didn't indicate down and locked, which was necessary for a safe landing. So maybe there's a little—

maybe there's a problem with the light bulb.

So he sent the second officer, Bert Stockstill, to the electronics bay beneath the flight deck to inspect and got permission to circle the height of 2,000 feet while they figured out the issue.

Burt Stockstill. That guy wasn't being anything but a pilot, dude.

All these guys have great pilot names.

Yes, Second Officer Burt Stockstill checking in, doing everything I can do to keep us in the air, and I know my wife's cheating on me.

It's like when you get a pilot's license, they change your name.

Oh, your name is Barney Krasinski? No, your name is now Rock Jetson.

But 2,000 feet sounds like a safe height for an aircraft if everything's handled correctly, sure. Ultimately though, it's way lower than you think. Uh, this— if the craft starts to slowly descending without anyone noticing, the ground will approach extremely fast.

How do they not notice? Aren't they pilots in the cockpit?

Well, yes, and then that's what happened. Wow. The ground approached very quickly.

Remember, it's nighttime.

Yes, man, in the '70s. Uh, so like, it's all different machinery.

Yeah, and everybody's Skinnier. Yeah, smoking.

So yeah, but we're getting Ozempic back, so now we're gonna be skinny again.

Yeah, it's me!

It's for everybody. After about 6 minutes of trying to find the nose gear issue, an alarm went off to indicate that the aircraft had deviated from proper altitude. The alarm was either unheard or ignored, and 2 minutes later they noticed how low they had gotten. By then it was far too late. The black box recorded Loft saying Hey, what's happening here? And then 7 seconds later, the plane crashed into the Everglades.

Oh fuck, it's a snake! Why is he close?

Most black box recordings are like that. When you can't listen to 'em, it's mostly them just calmly talking. Looks like we have a little problem here.

Yeah.

Oh boy, that doesn't look right.

Well, they're built, 'cause they're built to be that way. Pilots are supposed to, 'cause that's all the Chuck Yeager thing.

You gotta stay calm.

Yeah, they stole that. That's the whole thing from that Chuck Yeager voice. That's what every pilot is doing.

Ah.

Chuck Yeager. But here's where it gets crazy.

Chuck Yeager.

Yeah, The Right Stuff. I remember Chuck Yeager. I remember the ride at Six Flags Over Texas.

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

Yeah. I don't remember him.

He broke the sound barrier. Oh, that guy. Yeah.

Yeah, Chuck Yeager.

They named Jägermeister after him.

Yes. Traditionally the fastest alcohol.

I am the Jägermeister. But so the aircraft fucking disintegrated and sent wreckage flying across the area almost 500,000 square feet. But amazingly, there were survivors. And here's the math: 176 total people on board, including the crew. 101 deaths. So that means 75 survivors, with 58 of them suffering serious injuries. But that means that 17 people walked out of this thing relatively unscathed, which is unbelievable. So that's not to say the survivors didn't suffer, though. They did. One survivor described waking waking up buried up to his neck in muck, completely naked except for the elastic on his socks, unable to move due to multiple injuries, hearing snakes and gators thrashing in the water around him. He was rescued 5 hours later. Hot, right?

Wow.

What happened to his clothes? Why was he naked? Did the Everglades disintegrate his clothes immediately?

I guess so. I have no idea. Who knows? It could have burnt off. Like, who knows what manic shit happens?

But, you know, they talk about about that. You remember how when we went through the Murdoch cases, the part of how, you know, he wasn't the, the Stephen Miller part of it when he wasn't killed? Like, we know the fact he wasn't hit by a car because one thing they do say is that people fall out of their clothes all the time in an impact kill. Yeah. And how like that style of like, it's weird. You just like, your clothes just rip.

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden you're naked as hell. You're naked as hell. You're in a swamp. You survived a plane crash and you've just become a feral child like from the 1700s in the forests of France.

He could have bought one of those new newspaper suits.

Maybe his clothes burned off of him when the plane caught on fire, but then when it hit the swamp, put him out again.

It's all the wicking.

Yeah.

And then the muck of the mud helped heal.

And then his skin was moisturized.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although if it was the '70s, he might have been wearing— now that wouldn't work because he would've been wearing polyester and that would've just—

polyester burns. Yeah, it melts. It turns into like a, like a, almost like a, what do they call, like a—

Napalm.

Napalm, yeah.

Mm, yum yum.

Now that was a big thing that happened to Michael Jackson.

Yeah, at the Pepsi commercial. Yes, he really could have become Freddy Krueger in that moment.

He did, kind of did, without the mercy of killing them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of invading their dreams, I invite them into mine.

You already had the hat and the glove. So not all the damage was physical, some was psychological. 8 of the 10 flight attendants survived, and Beverly Raposa was hailed as a hero for her efforts rescuing survivors. One of her strategies was to sing Christmas carols to boost morale and draw attention to the rescuers. Just imagine being half paralyzed, butt naked, soaked in kerosene, surrounded by electric eels, and you're expected to join in on the impromptu rendition of Santa Baby.

Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle bells.

Do you hear what I hear?

Oh, that's an alligator.

That's a fucking gator. Fuck that shit.

Yeah, that's what Frankie's— that's the sound Frankie makes when a monster comes on the television.

Oh really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very protective.

So one fun Everglades-specific tidbit is that the first responders were Bud Marquis and Ray Dickinson, two friends. They were out for around a late night frog gigging. And frog gigging, of course, is when you go out and hunt bullfrogs with a long spear and secretly have sex with your best friend.

Yeah, why else would you do that? What else could possibly be fun about that? That sounds horrific.

Yeah, so these guys are out there fucking each other and stabbing frogs.

Yeah, yeah. And then maybe once you get back to stabbing frogs, I've already come 3 times.

The plane crashes, and then they immediately leapfrog into action and started rescuing people. They were later honored for their heroics, and their efforts helped save saved the lives of 75 people and countless frogs who were able to escape the spear to the head while Bud and Ray were preoccupied.

I imagine whatever frogs they missed were murdered by the plane. I think that they were very happily destroyed entirely by the plane crash.

Dude, the fucking toads down there, they're fucking huge, man. It's a—

dude, yeah, you don't like those.

Yeah, I hate toads.

They'd be waiting by your front door like when you get home and shit. You just be like, they'll bite you.

They're by my front door when I was a fucking kid in Texas. Bullfrogs everywhere.

When you hit them with the car, they must explode.

They do. Uh, I remember seeing, uh, a video in college, uh, about— also it was Australian toads, like it was about invasive species, environmental sciences class. And they showed a guy driving down a road that was covered in toads, and it was slipping and sliding all over because the guts—

it actually causes—

it caused wrecks.

That's because there's so many of them.

Yeah, they're slippery before you run them over.

Yeah, yeah, they're little gushers.

So the three main crew members, remember them? Captain Bob Loft, Second Officer Bert Stockstill, and Engineer Don Repo. They were all killed in the crash.

Amazing. Great names.

Hi, Don Repo, plane engineer.

Yeah, that's what I do.

Well, just because you're dead doesn't mean there isn't still work to do. And Loft and Repo began new career as air Air ghosts. Yeah, yeah, this is fun. All right, now we're getting a little spooky.

Air ghosts are a topic I've wanted to cover quite a bit before.

Well, here you go, fuckface. They started haunting various flights, and they didn't choose them at random. There was one thing that all the haunted flights had in common. This is honestly pretty cool. Um, the aircraft that had crashed was a Lockheed L-1011 TriStar. After the wreckage had been recovered from the swamp, they realized that some of the parts of the aircraft they could be salvaged and refitted into other L-1011s.

They do that. They've done that all with every single plane crash. They did it with the Twin Towers. They really— oh yeah, they took the metal. They use a lot of stuff for them using that metal.

I mean, pro, this saved Eastern Airlines like hundreds of bucks, almost dozens of dollars. And the con is that the refitted parts also contain the lost souls of Lofton Reaper. Half a dozen in the other. In one instance, a captain was asked to check on a passenger in first class who was not on the passenger list. This man was wearing a pilot's uniform and appeared dazed and unresponsive. When the captain got closer, he recognized who it was— Bob Loft.

Bob?

Yeah, he fucking knew him.

Find my journal and throw it out.

On another flight from New York to Miami, the same exact path of Flight 401, a flight attendant opened the overhead compartment to see Bob staring back at her from the side.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here? What do you got? What do you got going on here? What do you got for snacks?

Bob does seem like a fun ghost.

He does, dude.

Just getting hammered in first class and hiding in overhead bins. He's like Saul Volcano.

Yeah, he's having a little fun.

Now, Don Repo, not quite as silly. Um, he was much more productive. Uh, on one flight, an attendant saw his face appear in the oven, and he warned her to watch out for fire on the plane.

Fire on the plane.

On the return flight, the engine failed and had to be shut down before it caught fire. Another flight attendant on the aircraft saw an engineer fixing the oven shortly afterwards.

Fire on the plane.

On another flight, Don was seen sitting in the cockpit where he warned of a faulty electrical circuit.

There's a problem with the circuit.

And I'll be damned, Don was right. The crew found and replaced the circuit before anything could go wrong.

That ghost is the best employee this airline Fine ass.

I hope that he came in like that. It wasn't just like, fire on the place.

Like, I come bringing warnings of dire consequence. You just know it's going to really help in there. Thank you so much, Don. We'll look into that.

And if his ghost was in the oven, was it like a tiny version of him?

Yeah. Hey, there's going to be a fire at the place. Stop it. Turn it around. Turn it around. That little gnome is trying to warn us of something.

Oh man. Eastern Airlines hated these stories though. When they started circulating, they privately warned employees that if they were caught spreading ghost stories, they'd be fired. They publicly denied that these flights were haunted, which is objectively hilarious press conference to have to hold.

We have investigated each and every flight and we have determined no ghosts. Like, you know, like, could you imagine? We will assure you every single flight you take here on Southwest will guaranteed to be ghost-free. I don't care what anybody says, how scared you are.

I'm not flying on Eastern Airlines.

I don't care how scared these flight attendants are. They're not seeing ghosts. They're seeing what we call temporal imagery. Like he tries to create new science.

Eastern Airlines was founded on the promise that the undead do not belong in the sky.

We here at ValueJet are doing our best to kill the spiritual world one one plane at a time.

One nice thing about having two horrific plane crashes is that the victims don't appear to be causing any trouble in the afterlife. Other than the two pilots that are messing with people aboard the other aircraft, uh, everyone's minding their P's and Q's and not haunting the Florida Everglades. That's not the case, however, for Edgar J. Watson. David Watson was known as the Everglades Killer. How do you think he got that name?

Killing people in the Everglades. Killing people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Nowadays his ghost haunts the area, particularly near a convenience store.

How convenient.

Which is ironically pretty inconvenient for shoppers because it's in the middle of the Everglades. Actually, if you need something though, it probably is convenient.

It would be.

Yeah, yeah.

If there's something in the Everglades, I have— I can, you know, I've got acid. Yeah, you know, where am I gonna get my, my Pepcid?

The ghost is inconvenient.

Yeah, I want to get my malt liquor.

Well, let's start Ed Watson's story from the beginning. On the first day there was light.

Tone!

Watson was born on November 11th, 1855, you know, back when America was great. His father Elijah was a Civil War veteran and an abusive drunk, which is redundant for sure. Elijah would routinely beat Edgar and his mom. And after about a decade of that, they fled to Fort White, Florida, where Edgar would spend the rest of his childhood. Because of the inconsistent record-keeping back then, there are a lot of question marks in Edgar's timeline. There's a, a lot of unverified stories, and they start with his departure from South Carolina. One version is the story goes that his mom Minnie got tired of dealing with an alcoholic maniac, so she left left. That makes sense. The other version had Edgar committing his first murder at the age of 9. Wow. Prompting the move. That one kind of almost makes sense once you hear the rest of Edgar's story.

9-year-olds commit murder every day.

Have you guys ever heard about Edgar Watson?

I never have.

I never heard this. This is great.

Oh, this is awesome.

Yeah, there's a lot of— there's a lot of fun, uh, fun characters in this story.

So either way, they, they settled into Fort White, and Watson would eventually grow up and meet a nice young lady and get married. Unfortunately, Unfortunately, Watson's wife would tragically die during childbirth with a baby passing away as well, which made Edgar super easy to get along with. Watson's first confirmed killing would come a bit later. The victim was his unnamed cousin. Edgar's cousin made one fatal mistake, and that mistake was when he said the words, "Edgar, calm down." Oh, never do that.

No. I'm gonna need you to calm down.

Actually triggers a lot of people.

It does seem to accelerate the scenario.

Can't name a single time when I've said that and it's worked.

Not once.

You don't believe it? Try it with your wife when you come home at 3 AM hammered.

Lady, I got to say, you're— first of all, you're overacting.

Second of all, I'm underappreciated in this house, so you're going to have to calm down.

I'm going to have to—

all right.

I'll be moving out.

After that, she calmed down. Go sleep, because time for sleep.

Time for sleep.

You calm down and sleep. You calm down because I'm calm.

Why are you still up?

Why are you still up? It's crazy.

And he said the funniest thing about ladies earlier. You wouldn't believe the funny things I said about ladies earlier.

Let me see if I can remember it. He said, calm the fuck down, calm the fuck down.

So anyway, Edgar kicked his cousin in the head till he died.

Ah, ah, ah, yeah.

Should have been a soccer player. Uh, Edgar then split to Oklahoma. While in Oklahoma, Edgar met a woman named Belle Starr.

This woman's incredible.

Yes. Belle was 8 years older than Edgar and had committed quite a bit more of crime as well.

Do you also see her as Mae West?

Oh my God. Yeah. Something.

Well, hey, My name's Belle Starr.

Okay, nice to meet you. Short for Bellaricia.

Oh, your name's Edgar? I'm gonna call you Little Eddie.

Yeah, my little Eddie. I love you, baby.

So she was associated with the James-Younger Gang, made famous by Jesse James, and that was hardly her first gang. She switched gangs and husbands constantly, almost always making the switches simultaneously. She put together a lucrative criminal enterprise, planning and facilitating the exploits of bootleggers and horse thieves and all the various troublemakers of the era. Pretty cool chick in a horrible sort of way.

Yes. Yeah, no, no, that definitely resulted in the deaths of many people.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah, but you know, great for the show.

Hey, Oklahoma in the 1800s, it's fine.

Yeah, no man's land. Yeah, I think it was actually still just a territory at that.

No, at that point, uh, wow, I can't remember when the Sooners were and like when Oklahoma was actually settled.

Later.

Yeah, my answer, sooner or later.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, my ancestors weren't—

they weren't in Oklahoma just yet. They didn't show up until I think the 1900s. They were almost there.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I wouldn't have come across old Belle and Edgar. The Belle Starr's run came to an end on February 3rd, 1889, when she was violently murdered, allegedly by Edgar Watson. The killer shot her while she was riding her own horse, and then when she fell off, the killer shot her again. She officially died of shotgun wounds to the neck and back, which would later be the inspiration for the 2000 2 song My Neck, My Back by Kia.

Oh, it— I wonder what happened with her pussy and her crack.

It is not— you really don't know if she was shot in the other locations?

Oh, sure, sure.

But you know, the time, you know, the record keeping wasn't the best, we know, as we established earlier. Yeah. One theory though is that Belle was using her knowledge of Edgar being a killer on the lam as leverage. She planned to use the info to reduce her sentence next time she got in trouble, and Edgar got wind of the plan and shotgunned the the shit out of her.

Yeah, that's gonna happen when you hang out with men like Little Eddie.

I'm not so little anymore.

Oh, hey, hey there.

Oh, you're Little Eddie?

I'm gonna call you Big Boy. Hey, Big Boy, Big Boy, don't put that shotgun down.

Oh, hey, that's amazing.

My pussy and my crack.

Oh, my pussy and my crack become one thing.

So Edgar flees back to Florida, and I think a whole bunch of poor bastards must have been telling him to calm down or something because he started killing all types of motherfuckers. He killed a man named Quinn Bass in self-defense and was acquitted. A short while later, he got into a dispute with a man named Sam Toland and shot his fucking ass and got acquitted again. Despite the acquittals, the sheriff had enough and ran Edgar out of that town. So at this point, Edgar needed something new in his life. He figured the Everglades was the perfect place to hide out in plain sight, but he didn't exactly lay low. He started a very profitable business raising vegetables, buttonwood trees for lumber, and sugar cocaine. He would take his product on this boat and sell it in Fort Myers and Tampa, Key West. You know, it's going well. Just do that, Edgar.

No, but that's not his passion, Eddie. That's his job.

So one day he gets in an argument with a local resident named Adolphus Santini and slit his throat. But Santini survived, so Edgar had to pay him $900.

Wow, he didn't really do that well.

Yeah, you know, Florida rules.

Yeah, you gotta pay me $900. You have to pay me $900. There's where they live. Okay, got this. Listen, I know that's the contract we made. Catch your step.

I gotta sharpen this fucking knife.

God, I gotta go deeper.

So Edgar—

Stop doing just the tip.

Edgar expertly maneuvered all the difficult situations that would face a young entrepreneur/murderer, and his business continued to thrive. Edgar expanded his Everglades empire, buying land around the Lost Man's River on Chokoloskee Island. He also started hiring workers from Tampa and Key West. Now, another potential hurdle when you expand your business is the added expense of payroll. You boys know.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

However, check this out. Think about this. Edgar figured out how to limit the burden of those expenses by using one simple trick. Instead of paying his workers, just kill them.

Oh.

Oh, that's so smart. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but so hard to rehire.

Yeah.

That's the worst part is all the interviews after.

See, Edgar had a plan for that. He found workers without families because he knew no one would miss them or come looking.

That's a great idea.

That's what he was. Someone no one would come looking for.

Oh, we got to find orphans. Yeah.

Check this out. Promise them a salary, make them work until they eventually ask where the money was and then kill them.

Wow. Yeah.

And then he'd bury them in a shallow grave or simply dump their bodies in the river tributaries. No muss. No fuss. You know what I'm saying? Sure. Edgar's plan worked like a charm for some time until he eventually got into a land dispute with the Tucker family.

Mm-hmm.

The Tuckers were well known on the island and had grown crops for years in the area around Edgar's territory. He confronted them and told them to get out, and they replied that they would when their crops had finished harvesting. The timeline was not acceptable for Edgar. They didn't have fast growing trees back then. No. Uh, so he turned to his trusty plan B. And just killed them, dumped their bodies in the swamp. Not good to do.

He really just— he's got one move.

He's got the only— I mean, it's all he knows.

Yeah, see, but this time he broke his own code. He murdered well-known members of the local community.

Yeah.

And then Edgar opened the door for retribution, and that's exactly what he got. After a hurricane killed over 100 Floridians, Edgar took his boat to the small wood store on Chokoloskee Island, and while there, he was confronted by an angry mob. He attempted to shoot them, but his shotgun misfired, and before he could grab his revolver, the mob had shot him several times. They dragged his body to a secluded area of the Everglades and buried his body in a shallow grave. And to quote Robin Williams at the end of Good Will Hunting, "Son of a bitch stole my move." Well, yeah, he was so sad during that shoot. Yeah, but with the 100 Floridians, everyone's losing their mind because like back then like the— everything's built on sticks, you know, hurricane comes through and it's like, it's impossible to control.

Oh yeah, it's the same as the, you know, the hurricane that ripped through Galveston that killed thousands. Um, so it's— they found out about the murders and they had to wait out the hurricane before they could go fucking run after him.

It's incredible. It is a, is a fucking crazy-ass story.

Now, hell of a week.

I mean, when you watch 100 people in your town die, it's good to take another one.

Yeah, yeah.

So now it Nowadays though, Edgar Watson stays busy by haunting the Everglades at the Smallwood store. There have been countless reports of these hauntings. Cool. And they sound pretty chill, all things considered. Mostly just alternates between making mean faces at people and wandering around aimlessly, seemingly unaware of the people around him and just focused on his ghost business.

How is that any different than any of the other customers at the convenience store near the Everglades?

There are some people, however, however, who say they can hear the sounds of sugarcane being processed far away, accompanied by the horrible screams of Edgar's victims.

Are you sure that's not more people being murdered? Sugarcane being harvested, that's like machetes.

And then, yeah, it probably could just be—

someone could be killed by machete.

Yeah, it's just a ghost. It's a ghost.

Other people have reported hearing shotgun misfire outside inside the Smallwood. That's cool.

Again, that just sounds like an unreported crime.

It's ghosts. It has to be.

The Smallwood store, by the way, average rating of 4.5 on Google with over 700 reviews.

Actually, that is quite surprising that it has that many reviews.

Yeah, so whatever haunting Edgar Watson is doing doesn't seem to be bothering the people that much.

Does it not do, uh, you think, you know, milkshake machine?

Hmm.

No, no, no. Do they have a milkshake shake machine there? Probably an icy machine.

Yeah, you don't want milkshakes in the Everglades. Dairy and the Everglades don't mix. Oh man.

Oh yeah, you just can't have it out for too long, but there's plenty of dairy in the Everglades.

Yeah, I want to eat ice cream and watch a python eat a, eat a person.

You'd be surprised how unhealthy everyone is down there.

No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be. Yeah, I'd be— my expectations would be met.

Oh yeah, everyone's so sunburnt you can't even tell what race they are until they start saying racist shit, you know?

Yeah. As find out which one.

Rise from your grave. So before I get too far into the sawgrass on this one, I feel like legally I should say that the DeSantis administration and the state of Florida says most of what I'm about to talk about is not true, but I personally don't believe anything those fuckers say.

Why would you?

Agreed.

Yes.

You know what else delivers pain in the Everglades? Alligator Alcatraz. And I know what you're thinking, Ed, it's towards the end of the episode, you can't open this can of worms right now. Well, these worms I got here ain't even got no can. And plus, as of the recording of this episode, it's still very much open, uh, Alligator Alcatraz, though many have tried to close it many fucking times. But before we're wading through the swamp too far, uh, the name is extremely flawed, all right? It may Makes no sense. Alligator pelican. Are we supposed to take this seriously? All right, you know, they hardly even interact with each other, even though in some cases they're living less than a mile from each other. Alligators and pelicans, you know. Yeah, they don't eat pelicans. Yeah, no, no, no, because they don't go to the salt water. Interesting. They don't go to the salt water. So the pelicans are in the salt water. But if they did meet, I'm sure they'd be mortal enemies.

Come on, pelican.

Come on, pelican.

So as we know, as last podcast on the left span, Alcatraz is Spanish for It's pelican. And since I'm a real American who only speaks American like Jesus Hubert Christ intended—

that white American Jesus—

I'll be referring to Alligator Alcatraz's alligator pelican for the rest of the episode because I'm the only one in this goddamn forsaken country who's got a pair of male breasts.

Yes, definitely not the only one.

You got a pair sitting right next to you, friend.

Baby, they are juicy and hairy.

Yeah, if you shave me, man, you could suck on my tits till you cum your pants.

Thank you.

You don't have to shave you, actually.

You would ruin the illusion.

It's actually going to be a kind of serious subject here.

Oh, you don't—

this isn't the time for humor? Shave me, you suck on my tits till you cum your pants.

So Alligator Pelican is an internment camp built on top of an airplane landing strip on stolen Miccosukee land that is inhumane, devastating to the environment, and potential money laundering scheme, and just flat out cruel and unusual.

What else is wrong with it?

It's Florida.

Yes.

Yeah, it's fucked up. Alligator Pelican is the brainchild of James Oathmire, Florida's attorney general and Ron DeSantis's former campaign manager. Oathmire is also a prick-faced suckbag who was involved in the Hope Foundation scandal involving DeSantis's sunken-eyed bitch-mouth wife, Casey. They love stealing money.

Hey, no, I think that they like degrading LGBTQ children more first. That's their first— yes, their first love.

So Alligator Pelican opened July 3rd, 2025, which is not only my wedding anniversary but also a dreadful time of the year to be in the Everglades. The Alligator Pelican Camp—

he tosses anniversary and Julie listens. She just knows he has to say it because he's afraid to get in trouble, but she He doesn't want this connected to it.

I love you, baby.

You can suck on my tits till you cum your pants, Julie, if you want.

It's offered to you. The Alligator Pelican Camp was erected in exactly 2 weeks. They put this whole thing together. There really isn't much to it. It's all tents, trailers, porta-potties. It's more fire festival than island prison. There's zero infrastructure. It was always meant to be temporary, a one-stop shop for holding, processing, and deporting immigrants. Ron DeSantis, he confiscated the airplane landing strip inside Big Cypress National Preserve land from Dade County and the Miccosukee Tribe through a state of emergency order he placed on maritime migration all the way back in January of 2023. Now we're 10 months in on Alligator Pelican and there's no end in sight.

It's insane that we're still stealing land from Native Americans to this day. Yeah, yeah, still just doing it.

And it's It's a swamp.

Yeah, it's like a fucking swamp.

Just let them have it. It's just so crazy to me. So it was built by companies IRG Global Emergencies, who is a Texas company that got hired just weeks after they donated $10,000 to the Florida Republican Party, thus since given multiple contracts in the millions alongside Gotham's LLC, who were offered the contract to start rebuilding Gaza by Jared Kushner.

It's fun, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, all the same shitheads making money off of pain and misery.

Yeah, just loving life and death.

Yeah, so Alligator Pelican was meant for the worst of the worst, but truth is it's mostly everyday people who just found themselves at the wrong place at the wrong time. In fact, the first group of detainees were there solely on immigration violations and none on state criminal charges. Now about 72% have no criminal record according to the Americans for Immigrant Justice. As of April 2026, there 1,383 human beings held captive at Alligator Pelican, but the capacity is 5,000, so they're looking to grow. Current projections say that it has cost the American people $1.5 billion already and has an operating cost of $1.2 million a day, which breaks down to about $249 per person per night. The average cost per person at a normal ICE facility with like walls and plumbing and grounded electricity is $100 $187 a day.

Yep.

So we're just wasting money to torture people.

No way. And I feel like, but well, I think it goes good. I'm glad we're spending money here instead of investing in any form of educational infrastructure or anything, because I like the fact that the pressure is off for us running the world. And I think that's the key is the, like, we just like ease off on educating our kids and just arresting a bunch of people that are here to make a better life for themselves. And I think that that's really gonna give us the room we need to finally to master the chicken sandwich.

Yeah, back then, I mean, like, in the winter, it was so easy because they took all the books from the schools and then they burned them for heat.

Oh great, kids don't need to learn how to read. They don't need to know how to read at all.

Do you see this girl was, uh, posted a video of all these seniors in the spicy— the senior class who literally couldn't read a sentence?

No.

And then she got expelled for exposing it. Well, they want to—

yeah, they want to expel that because the kids couldn't recognize the word extraordinary in silhouette. Yeah, in silhouette. And I think it might have been Florida.

Yeah, of course, man.

It's fucked up down there. It was fucked up when I went to school there, and it's way worse now.

Yeah.

Um, so now I'm not Anderson Cooper or some other uptight pussy, but so let's talk about what the title of the episode says it is: The Pain of It All. All right, now the Department of Homeland Security and dumpy-faced high-heeled Ron DeSantis have called reports of guards beating and pepper spraying incarcerated people, toilets overflowing, flooding, rotten food, hunger strikes, and something called the box as hoaxes.

But let's not come at his heeled boots. I think that's the best part about him. Continue. I do like the boots.

Yes, you do. I do. But there have always— there have been enough reports to take all of these allegations very seriously. All right, and if you've never seen Cool Hand Luke and lack an evil imagination, here's how the box works. All right, it's a small cage placed out in the swamp where a person is handcuffed, shackled, and left in the Everglades sun or pouring rain in a cage for hours at a time without food or water. All right, it started the month they opened, July. Not sure if you fellas have been to the Everglades in July or not, but it's a brutal bastard, especially if you're in a fucking cage. At 2 feet by 2 feet, the box is big enough to stand in but not sit down. And with temperatures in the high 90s, with a feels like being a temperature of go fuck yourself, it is by definition torture. Everyone concentrates on the gators and the crocs and the snakes, but the animal that has the most kills in the Everglades is actually the mosquito. All right. The mosquito in the Everglades in August are big enough to rape a hummingbird.

Wow.

Yeah. Can I say that? Is that offensive?

I don't know anymore. You said it.

Yeah.

But also I don't think that that's off limits. Yeah.

Doesn't matter. So if that's the thing that someone takes from this episode, that that's what they're fucking upset about, then your priorities are out of whack.

Out of fucking whack. So is the box still currently in use? We don't actually know. Um, but don't worry, a couple of senators sent a letter, so I'm sure it's all fixed.

Oh yeah, you know who does that?

Who I love?

It's Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi. They just said those letters— embarrassment is enough of a punishment for these people.

I mean, letters— did they send any strongly worded tweets?

Yeah. What are we gonna do about this? Yeah, us as members of Government you voted for.

So have they condemned? They've condemned.

Correct.

Thank God they've condemned. They've disavowed. Have they said this is not America?

Yeah, that'd be great.

They just keep buying stocks and making money off of our pain. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just so you know. Yeah. Because every time someone says this isn't— every time a Democrat says this is not what America is about, it fixes everything. It's like a magic spell.

I do want to just point out we've been coming—

yeah, it's not. It's not.

That's right.

Let's fucking close it.

We've been coming hard at the duly elected president of the United States quite a bit recently, but I I don't want to fucking hesitate to say I believe every single member of government should be arrested. Okay?

I want you to—

I want to remind you of that. I think every fucking one of them should be in a fucking cage.

It's just an order, you know? Yeah, Bernie's last.

Hopefully he dies before we get— I hope he dies before his tribunal comes.

Yeah, well, the guards there, well, they ain't no fun boys neither. All right, most of the Most guards come from not-so-friendly private firms with names like Delta Foxtrot Solutions Incorporated and GardaWorld. By hiring from private firms, most guards don't have proper training. The really bad guards turn their ID badges around so their names don't get reported.

No way.

Yeah, there's a really high turnover rate as well. The bad guards, they get fired for being too abusive, and the good guards quit because the pay sucks.

Yeah, and the place sucks.

Yeah, man, it's $21 to $26 an hour. And it's a 2 or more hour commute because it's not even like— remember when I was talking about Alligator Alley? Yeah, it's like take a left. Yeah, you know, and then actually it's take a right. Well, depending on which way you're going. But yeah, yeah, and then, uh, but yeah, it's— and then it's another hour deep into there. It's not— no one's supposed to be there.

No, it's not for humans.

Yeah, no, the only people there that are supposed to be there are the Miccosukees.

Yes.

Yeah, and they don't even like it. They're forced there.

They'd like it a lot. They're fine with it. Yeah, they're pretty good.

I bet you they would much rather a little piece of land in the San Fernando Valley, you know what I mean? I bet you they're like, oh, I wish our land in like, you know, the beautiful Blue Mountains of Tennessee or something.

Don't tell them what they want.

They know what they want. We all know what we like. You know what they're a lot of like.

We'll get into it a little bit and you can explain yourself to the wonderful Betty Osceola.

I will talk to each one personally.

So it's in the middle of the swamp, which makes it not worth it for anyone who can get any other job. So some of the guards also, they just fucking live there in a shared trailer with no hot water. So they're essentially prisoners as Well, I'm sure it makes them super nice.

Yeah, man, if you are fucking living in a trailer, you have fucked up. If you're living in a trailer at Alligator Alcatraz with a bunch of—

you're sharing the trailer, you're sharing the bathroom.

You are wrong.

You have fucked up.

Yeah, your life is garbage.

Yeah, there's no— because you say like good guards, there are no fucking good guards. Like, if you fucking decide to work this job, fuck, you're done.

Yeah, you're done. You're a moron. It's like ICE. It's all of these things. You've specifically chosen a dumb fucking job and now you are reaping the goddamn benefits of it.

Yeah, man. And the fucked up part is there's a lot less jobs nowadays in South Florida as well. So there's nowhere for people to turn to fucking support their families. That's why a lot of decent people are taking these horrible jobs against their will.

I just can't believe that there's no form of cottage industry that could be legalized in Florida. That would actually create a lot of taxed money that would do really good for the state.

It's not like stuff grows well there.

Yeah, it's not like there's like specific crops that you could build, green plants, which would create so much money for your state that you're specifically saying no to because you're a bunch of fucking morons.

Because it makes people nice.

It does, and that's the problem.

Yeah. So as far as the abuse goes, the box isn't the only thing these American SS officers use as punishment. There have been reports of guards beating and pepper spraying the men held in the cages. The few people who've come forward to talk about these incidents say how most of the beatings from the guards come at night as a form of retaliation for complaining about mistreatment, which includes but not limited to the showers being fucking filled with bugs, low amounts of food, and other inhumane conditions. Another report I hated, um, had a detainee complaining about expired food and then was stripped naked, sprayed sprayed with a hose and beaten. This is what's going on down there. And then, and if you talk about it, they just escalate. Yeah. And you know, or they fucking deport your ass. Yeah, it's crazy.

And it's like, say, that point you're like, all right, fucking deport me. I just feel like, just send me back now.

Well, a lot of people are going back to fucking places like Honduras where they're running from gangs that are trying to kill them.

Yeah, they've come to America to make their lives better and we're fucking punishing them.

Dude, they're literally fucking deporting Palestinians back to Israel. Yeah, it's crazy. So not only are the meals not large enough for a small child, even if you do include the maggots, but half of the time the food isn't even cooked. A regular meal for a person at Alligator Pelican is either boiled tofu, half frozen chicken nuggets, or just a couple of spoonfuls of undercooked rice.

And that's just mostly what my wife eats. And that's just because she's got girl dinner on her, but you shouldn't be giving girl dinner dinner to a bunch of prisoners.

And plus they only give you 5 minutes to eat. And if you don't finish your food in that amount of time, they make you throw it in the fucking trash.

Only 5 minutes. What else do they have to do?

Nothing, man.

It's just punishment for punishment.

Yeah. Yeah. They're just, it's, it's specifically cruel and unusual.

It's like, I, whatever. I know it's technically, yes. If you're here illegally, yes. I know it's against the law. What I do not understand is this idea that then you would be punished so harshly for something that should be like a matter of paperwork. Like, it should literally be a holding process in which we figure out why are you here or not. Like, are you here to work?

And they wait at their hearings when they're doing it the right way. They wait for them to show up for their hearings and then kidnap them.

Yes.

So it's not even like—

no, you know, there's no— again, we're talking— every time we talk like this, we act like there's like a good faith argument for any of this, right? We act like, like that's one of the main issues with this entire administration is that every single argument against them infers the fact that they have an argument that can be defended, which they don't have.

Yeah, so remember when I said there was no infrastructure there? Well, that means there's no plumbing, there's no private phone lines, and all the electricity for this prison is all generators, and those generators need generators. So the power goes out regularly, which means that the shitty AC units stop working, the lights go out, and the fucking food can't cook or stay properly refrigerated. And not just that, pollution. And they're trucking in gas regularly just to keep these fucking generators going because there's nothing there.

And there's no reason for any of it. No, it's far— it's far more—

it's purposeless.

Yeah, no, well, I mean, the purpose is to hurt people.

Fear.

Yeah, like, it's— this place is used specifically— this is a— Alligator Alcatraz is a propaganda piece. Yes, that's all it is.

And they're getting rich down there because of it. Everyone down there, they have— all right, so there's this other guy I found out about. I was calling people. I was like really doing investigative shit. So I— the, um, there's this other guy, Carlos Duarte. He's the chair of the board of trustees at Florida International University, FIU. Uh, he sent a couple of mobile command centers over there to help with the surveillance, just donated them from the university. These things are millions of dollars a pop.

Yeah, these guys are all fucking so corrupt, it's fucking unbelievable.

His wife is the CEO of CDR Health, who was contracted by Alligator Pelican for $70 million to provide basic healthcare to the inmates. Still, no one seems to see the conflict of interest here. It's just crazy what's going on. Incarcerated people are given—

I feel like, Eddie, they don't want to.

Yes.

I don't know why. Yeah, it seems they don't want to look too deep into it.

Yeah, it seems like the people who voted for this just suddenly just don't want to hear about any of it. They just want to fucking ignore that all of this horrible shit has happened. Well, because it is still happening to this fucking day.

Because if they they actually looked at it, they actually looked at it, and he looked at the people that were going to these places, they might have a weird feeling about it.

Yeah, guilt. Yeah, yeah, remorse, regret. It's fine, it's okay, it's okay if you fucked up, it's okay if you made a mistake, but now is the time to say, I fucked up, I made a mistake, let's change it.

Yeah, and then I might think about liking you again, maybe.

Yeah, yeah.

Incarcerated people are given one cup Without plumbing, they're unable to clean said cup. So over time, the cups get covered in mold, especially when it's hot as fuck. Are you getting sick from the cup? Is your face and body getting covered with sores from malnutrition? Are you complaining about this cruel and unusual abuse? Pepper bomb. Yeah, that's right. They got these things called pepper bombs that are like— yeah, they're like pepper spray, but replace the word spray with bomb.

It's to keep it from getting on police officers.

Yeah, they toss these pepper bombs into the cages of bunk beds indiscriminately. Instantly, and these Merck employees just deem it to be necessary.

Yeah. And the pepper bombs recently showed up in the Minnesota protest, but all of the ICE officers were improperly trained because they're a bunch of fucking moron cowards, and the pepper bombs kept exploding in front of them instead of the protesters. Multiple journalists saw it happen multiple times.

You might want to up that training to 50 days.

So it could just be one guy that they're trying to punish, but they'll just throw it in the cage and then the cage, it's no ventilation. So there's 72 people in there and they just got to sit in the pepper bomb musk for hours.

And these are in the tents.

In the tents. Yeah. And then it's a fucking goddamn nightmare. A couple of fellas got so sick, they were hospitalized. They are now missing and their families have no idea where they are. That was a couple of weeks ago as of this recording. Yeah.

And that unfortunately they're dead.

Yeah. They died.

Yeah. Like no telling how many people. We're like, we, it's, we're gonna find out I think one day how many people died in these detention camps all across America. Yeah. 'Cause Alcatraz is by far the worst, but it's not the only place where inhumane conditions are happening. I mean, these are people that are going, they have the same healthcare needs as all the, as every other fucking person on this goddamn planet. And they're not, if you don't get the healthcare that you need, you're going to die.

Yeah.

You put pepper spray into a room, a bunch of people, 72 people, couple of those people are going to have asthma and they're going to fucking die.

Yeah, they are never going to stop writing books about the corruption of this time period. Yeah, it is like we are just going to— like, that's what none of these people even understand is how deeply unkindly history is going to look on this time period. And they, uh— and I can't wait for their punishment.

You know, everything that happens at, uh, Alligator Pelican is fucking just like— it's, it's all secret. It's all, it's all like they don't— they turn the cameras off. No one— there's no reported deaths there. I I will say that, but yeah, they just don't, we don't know. There's no way to know because if you do rat, you get in trouble. The cops follow you. Like they, like they harass you. They like go to your home and fucking raid it and shit. And it's like, oh, there's nothing here, but all your shit's broken up just because you try to do something about it, man. And there are, so these cages, let me talk about the cages. The detainees are held in cages. Each cage holds 36 people. It was 30, but they figured out how to cram another 3 bunk beds per cage. People are literally living living on top of each other, and then there's up to 300 people in each tent. All right, and I'll— you guys, have you guys seen pictures of this shit? No, it's fucking— it, it looks like Auschwitz. Yeah, it's fucking— it's terrifying.

Yeah, it's why we're calling it Alligator Auschwitz.

Yeah, there isn't enough water for the toilets. Rob, what happens when you don't have enough water for a toilet? Does not flush. It doesn't flush. All right, reports of the toilets, then it's just a—

it's a hole.

It's a hole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Because they're all porta-potties. Yeah, there's no fucking plumbing. All right, reports of the toilets are overflowing, men having to use their hands to remove shit from the toilets just so they could shit in the toilet. All right, supposedly each cage is given one roll of toilet paper per 36 people per day.

It's not enough.

That's not enough. There's 3 toilets per fucking cage. All right, showers are, you know, I was like, oh, that's not that bad. You know, I was thinking about about it. And then, but I'm like, no, I have 2 bathrooms in my house, one for me, one for Julie. And sometimes that gets fucked up.

Yeah, it does.

Seriously, like, seriously, like you have a party, like just we're talking completely practically.

Yeah.

You have a party at your house, you invite 15 friends, you're going through 2 toilet paper rolls just that night.

Yes.

Yeah. Not to mention you're fucking.

Yeah. Depending on how much people, how fat they are. Yeah. And how big and dumpy they are and how much they fucking eat and shit or how much they weighted and shit.

Okay.

Well, we don't need to go that far on the analogy. Sometimes I'm waiting to go to your house to shit because I'm like, fuck it, I don't want to do it in my house. I'm sick of my bathroom. I'm gonna shit at Marcus's house.

Henry does shit at other people's houses more than most people.

Almost every— it's almost like he's an animal marking his territory.

I shit 4 times a day. Yeah, but that's regular for me.

That's not fucking— that's just because that's my swerve.

So I'm just making stuff, always producing. Even right now, even as we're just sitting here right now, I'm making shit.

What's next?

I gotta shit. Honestly, I do have to go to the bathroom.

Do you need a break?

No.

Showers are allowed only once every 3 or 4 days depending on the water supplies. There's little or no access to medicine. Diabetics have restricted access to insulin. There are no clocks and guards refuse to tell the inmates what time it is. They never turn the fluorescent lights off when the electricity's working. And so they're inside the tent, they don't even know what time it is. It makes it all that much more confusing. Using. There are no private phone lines for inmates to call lawyers and families confidentially. Uh, there are— there is someone always listening. And guess what happens if you get caught spilling the beans about the abuse and maltreatment you're currently receiving?

Facts.

ACLU currently has a lawsuit with the state of Florida that says they need to give access to unmonitored phone calls. That was something I read last week, but Who the fuck knows?

Yes.

Yeah, 'cause there's no phone lines.

Yeah. God knows.

And it's like you're sitting there and you're like borrowing a fuck, someone's phone or something.

How do they call a lawyer to figure it out? Yeah. How do they go to get themselves legally extricated from the fucking scenario?

Now, not just that, they do this really fucked up things where they don't always register you as an inmate of Alligator Pelican. Hypothetical, let's say your mom and dad were born in Cuba. They get taken by ICE, but they don't have— but they don't take you because you were born in America. You want to find where they were taken to? It could be any number of places in Florida. Sure, it could be the Krome Detention Center or the not-so-cutely named Deportation Depot in North Florida that just opened. They have— they literally got sued by Home Depot because they stole the logo and were selling merch.

These guys are just such fucking pricks, and anybody who's got— anybody that's into any of this can absolutely blow me. Yeah.

Alligator Pelican has regular power outages that we talked about, and they have internet issues, so you're not always logged in in the DHS detainee locator, which the web page looks eerily similar to the DOJ Epstein Files site.

Same designer, same webmaster.

You just don't know where your family member, friend, or coworker was sent. And this is where the 1,800 missing people come in. Yeah, 1,800 people went missing digitally, which is either negligible or intentional. Either way, go fuck yourself, DHS. Say your lawyer finds you and places a writ of habeas corpus, which for those of you who don't know is a fundamental legal action used to challenge unlawful imprisonment. They'll then transfer you over, often in the COVID of night, to another facility, which cancels out the writ of habeas corpus. Your lawyer then has to find you all over again and place another writ, and this process can go on for several transfers.

This is what they're doing instead of fixing the roads. Yeah, this is what they're doing instead of making this country an actually better and better place to live.

This is what they're doing instead of building hospitals and schools and trains and fucking— and fixing the bridges and fixing everything that they need to be fucking doing.

Healthcare. This is what is happening. This is where your money is going, and it's hemorrhaging.

It's costing hundreds of thousands of dollars to do—

millions of dollars.

They Fucking us over.

You see, the torture is the idea. They want to break you. They want you to run out of lawyer money.

Of course.

They want you to give up your immigration claims so they can send you back to whatever country they think you should go back to. Administrative disappearances demoralize the families and detainees with no remorse.

Yeah, and it's not just the people that they're also doing it to, all of the rest of us.

Yes.

The point is to do so much horrible shit that it overwhelms all of us. It overwhelms anyone with a fucking soul, anyone with any sort of empathy for other human beings. That's— they're doing it on purpose specifically to demoralize all of us. It's just the people that are actually in these facilities, they're getting the fucking worst of it. They're using them as, as, as batteries and as examples.

Yeah, too.

And they overload it and they do it to make you emotional and sound fucking crazy. That's why it's— I'm glad I got to like sit down and research this and talk to people and write it all down in a row so I could fucking put it all together because I knew it was bad down there, but I didn't know it was like this.

Yes. And I also— you won't— and —when you talk about it in this way, what's nice is, is that all the people that I have, like, currently, all the bots currently fighting me on the last episode of Side Stories, and Marcus and I went ham on the fucking president on, like, all these bots are coming after us saying all this stuff about illegals and blah, blah, blah. And it is just very obvious that they— no one has any clue what the real issue is. Yeah, they really don't. They really have— or fought this— they sold this line that the idea that people come here illegally to what, become a lawyer so you can't be one? Or are they fucking picking fruit? Are they fucking working on the highway? Are they doing all of this shit that you don't want to fucking do?

All right. So after all that, okay, now there's the environmental impact, which is obviously something I care a lot about. I started following the work of Betty Osceola. She's a leader amongst the Miccosukee tribe and she lives in, and the Miccosukee tribe lives in and around Big Cypress. Big Cypress also isn't technically in the Everglades, but it's like across the street. Okay, um, the Miccosukee people have been in Big Cypress since the early 1700s. Betty is worried about many aspects of tribal privacy as well as the potential for environmental disaster. The Miccosukee people live less than half a mile from Alligator Pelican, and there are cameras pointing from the facility at their land and homes. The cameras are pointed towards their ceremonial grounds where they hold private ceremonies. Is DHS spying on them? Probably, because they're out there protesting Alligator Pelican almost every fucking Sunday, and as much as possible reminding people that it's not just about the abuse of the detainees, but it's about the rape of the land as well. There is currently a drought in Florida, and the Everglades and Big Cypress is drier than ever. Okay, there is— this facility could destroy a nearby aquifer that supplies water for 8 million people in South Florida, not just the tribe.

So I I guess Republicans really are trying to drain the swamp.

Oh, also, and oranges are about to not be able to be grown in Florida as well because of the choices that they've made around the environment there. There's a whole drought. They literally are going to lose that entire crop that drives a large chunk of their economy.

A lot of the airboat rides can't even go right now because the water's too low because of the current drought.

How is Florida out of water? Yeah, it's because they've— it's God's coming. It's because God's coming because God's angry at you. Yeah.

So also in Cypress, there's a dark sky order. If you don't know what that means, that means no illumination is allowed because of how much of the wildlife is nocturnal. They don't give a shit about that. With trucks, busses, cars, helicopters, generators, and even Air Force One landing there occasionally, uh, they're violating noise pollution orders. This is indigenous land, environmentally protected land. Every day DHS is trucking in people, water, and fuel and trucking out piss, shit, and trash. The Miccosukee Tribe currently has an environmental lawsuit against the state of Florida to try and shut this facility down. There are about 1,000 violations of the National Environmental Protection Act, or NEPA, happening over there. So hopefully this does something. But with the state of Florida being run by the fat-faced demons that run it now, I am not optimistic. No. Finally, We get to the money. There's a lot of money being spent in this albatross of a project. Who's paying for this? Originally, because it was the result of a state of emergency proclamation from DeSantis, FEMA was supposed to fork over the money, but they have yet to do so and are refusing to do so with good cause.

And for some reason, this immigrant detention center isn't funded federally because it's all being done illegally and it's all been done slapdash and it's being used as a place to disappear people.

That's right. And the bill is given directly to the people of Florida. Florida, $1.5 billion currently estimated. And so Alzheimer and DeSantis family specialty is making this money fucking disappear.

Yeah, it's coming right out of your state. It's coming right out of it. It's making sure that you guys, that your schools don't have proper stuff and it's making sure that your hospitals are understaffed and it's making sure that there's not enough people working on the traffic, like all the Department of Traffic.

You know where they're getting most of the money? They're draining the hurricane relief fund. So if there's hurricanes this year, everyone's fucked.

Yeah. I mean, just imagine just anybody who supports— imagine anybody who supports this shit. Imagine what $1.5 billion could do for your county. Yeah. Like just not even your town. Think about what it could do for your county. Like just what $1.5 billion could do. And this is what they're doing instead.

See, what it is is mediocre white people really, really upset that they aren't kings and queens of the universe automatically. And they love the punishment. The people who like this, if you do like this and you think that this is just, it's because you hate other people. Yeah. Yeah.

Some of the money meant for Alligator Pelican has been used on private jets for politicians, lavish dinners in Tallahassee.

Oh, and you know, that's where you spend your money for lavish dinners. Oh my God. You're overpaying for food in Tallahassee. You fucked up. Seriously, you're a fucking moron. Just you saying that makes me so enraged. You would go to Tallahassee and spend that kind of money, you fucking idiots, when you have Miami? It's the state house. That's what it is. Tallahassee sucks dick. We all know it. It's fine.

I had a great time there, but yes, they could use a little help. You know what I'm saying? Could use a once-over.

I'm just saying, if you're gonna go blow your money, blow it in Miami.

Oh man. So they're spending all this shit on all these things and not involving getting these people proper care and the respect they constitutionally supposed to receive. So like so much else involving this administration, this giant ecological nightmarish torture device is just another way for these monsters to make themselves richer at the expense of the less fortunate and the expense of people trying to make themselves a better life at the expense of our neighbors. So I guess when we said, give us your tired, poor, and huddled masses, It was just so we could fill as many private prisons as humanly possible. That's pain in the Everglades. Good work, Eddie.

Thank you, Edward. Thank you very much.

Good work, Eddie. Really, really good stuff.

Shout out to Rachel Burke, who did an amazing job researching this, and Pat Barker, who helped me write this beast. It was fucking, it's a lot, man.

Really good work, man. Yeah. Really good work. Really tough stuff. But also when it comes down to it, it will all be revealed and it will get to it. And I hopefully eventually the snakes will overtake it. Literally the actual snakes. Yeah. We have to keep talking about this shit.

We have to let people know that this stuff happens. I mean, and this is 100% within the last podcast area. Oh, dude, it's like this is the stuff that like, people are like, why are you talking about politics? Like, because the politicians, we have never before been in, or at least not in our lifetime, have been in a situation where the politicians are actually doing the things that we used to cover that happened decades ago, centuries ago. That's why it is current. Like, we are living in a last podcast fucking timeline.

Yeah, we're not doing this because it's fun. We're not talking about this because this is fun. You hear how much laughter we're doing here? Like, no, we're talking about this because unfortunately, as 3 weird middle-aged white dudes, no one else in our category is necessarily talking about this shit. So we are, because they're all afraid. Everybody's afraid now. Everybody wants to keep every, every cent because everyone's so afraid of losing market share of whatever it is they're working on because that Fuck these people. Fuck them. Fuck this shit. We are going to keep talking about it because we have to. And it's true crime.

It is. It's true crime. And don't let anybody make you feel crazy. Yes. Like, that's that. We got so many fucking emails from people after we did Side Stories last week saying, like, thank you for talking about this because everybody, every time I talk about it, I feel fucking crazy. Don't let them make you feel crazy for being outraged about this shit. They're gaslighting you. Yes, it is happening.

Other than Betty Osceola, every name I mentioned should be in prison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, except for the ghost. Yes, that ghost is already free. Yeah, well, the ghost pilots as well, because they sound like fun.

They are fun. They are free.

They've never, never done anything wrong. Good work, Edward.

Yeah, good work.

Great work. Patreon.com/LastPodcastInTheLeft. Give us money for ad-free episodes. Mhm. Yeah, I've been talking a lot this week. And it'll be on the left is all the social medias you're going to want to look at that. Our Halloween album sold out. You'll never get it. We're gonna do it, don't worry about it. We're gonna do— you're gonna say we're gonna have a lot of special announcements about our Halloween album, so don't worry about that. Uh, but it— thank you to everybody who already purchased it. I can't believe it. Thank you so much. Um, go to YouTube to see our new stuff over there, someplace underneath LPN Romantasy, The Foreign Report. No Dogs in Space is coming back. LPN TV's got HDX2, the second season. It is up there rolling out every week, every Thursday, and it is after the last stream episode drops, that drops over on LPN TV. Go check it out. That's right. The playoffs started this week.

Yes. Hell yeah. Also on YouTube, go to the Brighter Side LPN, follow our new page. You can watch our episodes there. It's a lot of fun.

Oh, I believe it was my episode where in which I was a judge on HGTV. I believe that premiered this week. It did.

It did. Yeah, dude, you were so fucking— I watched it last night, fucking stoned to the gills. I was laughing. I never— full disclosure, I don't listen to our show. I don't watch anything I do. I hate it. I can't. I don't like my voice. I don't like seeing idea of myself. It's just like, you know, just people are bad to themselves. But I watch this shit and I'm laughing and I'm having a great time and I hate everything I do. So you guys, please go watch HDX2. I can't tell you how much I love it.

I based this character off of my brother Thomas. That's so funny.

He's so nice. It's great. But he's, he's, well, you know, he's powerful.

Come see us on the road. We're gonna be in Pittsburgh Pittsburgh, May 29th. Um, that's gonna be at the Carnegie Music Hall. Uh, Grand Rapids, Michigan, June 27th, over at GLC Live at 20 Monroe. We're gonna be at, uh, Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 17th at Cain's Ballroom. And on July 18th, we're gonna be at the Tower Theater in Oklahoma City. Also, I'm hitting the fucking road. I got a lot of shows. Henry and I got some shows. Most of our stuff sold out. We got more stuff coming down the pipe, but June 7th, I'm gonna be in Phoenix, Arizona at the Desert Ridge Improv. Make sure you check that out. And I got a show at Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. A salute to Bethlehem. That's July 10th. Newark, New Jersey, July 12th. That's where Jesus was born. Jesus is from Pennsylvania. I knew he was from Pennsylvania.

You could tell by his skin color.

Yeah. Plano, Texas.

And all the casinos there. Yeah. Plano, Texas.

I got a show at the Comedy Store. In July and also Denver.

I saw Mitch Hedberg at that club. Oh really? Yeah. When I was in college. No shit. Yeah. We drove to Plano. Yeah. Saw Mitch Hedberg there. It was fucking incredible.

That's really cool. Yeah. I love that, man. That makes me so happy. Well guys, I love you. Thank you so much for listening to me rant about Florida. It makes me happy to spread the word about what's going on down there. And we'll be coming back, I believe, with some true crime.

Yes. Uh, no, no, no, no.

We're coming back next episode, I believe.

Oh, is number 666.

Whoa, really?

Yeah, we'll see. We'll see.

Well, there might be a little bit of true crime in there.

Wink. Sex, sex, sex.

Hail Satan, everyone. Oh, hell yeah.

Speaking of, hail, uh, Thomas Kennedy, who talked to me on the phone for a very long time He's an activist down there. He gave me a lot of inside information on Alligator Pelican. Fucking shout out to you, Thomas. Thank you for everything.

Good work. And fuck alligator Alcatraz. They can go fuck themselves. Fuck all of them.