Transcript of Side Stories: Cannibal Cats & Dubious Dogs New

There's no place to escape to.

This is the last on the left. Side stories.

That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes.

Yeah, but Julie and I, we, we had a nice collective outing last night. We both enjoyed ourselves and went and saw The Mandalorian and Grogu movie.

Oh wow, so you went on a date? That's really Nice.

We went to, we went to Guisados and we got our tacos.

I love Guisados. Thank God. Also, I want to say thank you so much for supporting like small IPs, people just making stuff out there that are just trying to make small IPs.

It's cuz he's so tiny.

He's— oh, fuck.

All right, well, he's adorable. You would actually really like this movie. I was, you know, no spoilers, but I was surprised on how graphic it was.

What do you mean?

I mean, he like, like, he like tries to like suck his own dick.

Are you serious? Yeah. Grogu. Are you fucking serious?

Yeah. Grogu fucking tries to blow himself.

Is that real?

Halfway through the movie.

Yeah.

It's real. You gotta go see it.

I'm looking it up.

You don't have, it's not gonna have the spoiler. You can't look that up.

Is it true?

You have to go to AMC. Actually, no, I think you should go to an independent theater. Tries to suck.

Go to the Lamplight.

Yeah. He tries to suck his own dick.

His own penis.

You know, and it's okay because he is He's not a child. Did you know that?

No, we know that.

We covered this.

Yeah, he's 50. No, we know we covered this.

Suck his own dick if he wants to.

Uh, says no, that is not true.

Oh, come on. AI's fucking sham. 60% wrong.

It says—

and this is the proof. It says right here, the proof is in his own pudding.

According to Google AI, it says no, that is not true.

What does Google AI really say?

It says no, that is not true. Grogu, often referred to as Baby Yoda from The Mandalorian, does not exhibit any such behavior. He's an infant character in the Star Wars universe whose actions are strictly limited to innocent childlike behaviors like using the Force, napping, and eating things. Using the Force is not an innocent childlike behavior. That's according to Google AI.

That is not an innocent childlike—

that you could fucking kill.

He rips things to shreds.

Any claims or memes suggesting otherwise are entirely fabricated by internet users.

So what did I watch?

I think you watched straight up gay pornography.

I think everyone should go to rush to the theater, rush to see before they cut this out.

Oh yeah, because that's the thing, because like, because this is censors. This was— isn't this the what's-his-name? This is the Abel Ferrara cut, which is the what's-his-name who did Blue Is the Warmest Color. I feel like it's— he didn't— he get it? Isn't he doing a Star Wars movie? Yeah, isn't the guy from Blue Is the Warmest Color, isn't he gonna do something with Chewbacca where they have open vaginas? Am I wrong, Rob? I don't think so.

Is that—

what's the buzz on that?

Imagine they just shaved Chewbacca and he's got huge fucking tits.

Nothing.

Oh my, imagine.

And nothing would make me happier.

How likable would Chewbacca be with tits?

A Q score all the way up. Q score all the way up. Bye, Slave Leia, you got caught. I like free ass, big-titted, naked, shorn Chewbacca. Welcome to Side Stories. I'm really glad Eddie did the bit and he said, I have this bit.

I want— you always go first. I do. And I'm happy to talk about Grogu. I couldn't, I was like, guys, this is a lot.

Yes, this is a lot buried in there.

And then like 4 minutes into the, the self-fellatio, it gets entertaining. Why?

Because he's like, he's like on a slippery surface.

At first you're looking around, you're like, oh, why are they doing this? Why are they doing this? This is fucked up. And then you're like, this is artistic.

He did grow up a lot.

It's a choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He really did. He grew up quite a bit. I'm sitting here with curious Star Wars fan Ed Larson.

You ever try to blow yourself when you were a kid?

No, because—

I don't believe that for a second.

No, because I've never— this is— we've covered this on Roundtable. We've covered this all over the years.

I don't remember Roundtable.

I'm just saying all over the— for the years, I've never been compelled to want to suck my own penis because I've never wanted to suck a penis.

Okay. Even if it's your own?

Especially if it's my own.

I never tried, 'cause I know I'm not flexible. I like can't touch my toes even as a child.

No, I don't.

So I know it's like a fruitless gesture.

No, in order for me to suck me off to the point where I'd like it, I would have to like it. Yeah. And I'd have to separate me sucking me off from the suck itself.

Could you? But yeah, here's the thing. Can you separate the pain of your mouth to the joy of your cock?

No. No, actually, I'll give you a straight answer. No, I can't. What it would do to my back would hurt, and that would all hurt, and the sucking of it would not be that fun. Honestly, I feel like the sucking of it would be my— the, the lack of pleasure I would have in sucking it. Yeah, would make me not happy. Me sucking the penis in general. Yeah, would make me not jazzed.

Yeah, the last thing you want, but I'd get jizzed.

Hey, if I did it right, which I won't.

You— I don't think— yeah, cuz you don't want to like after you jizz be like, I wish I didn't do that, you know? You don't want that feeling.

I mean, I do, I do that, but that's different.

That's alone.

That's more of a the sad empty feeling.

Suck your own dick alone?

No, but that's— but it's you, you— it's too much. All right, it's called post-nut clarity. Oh sure, yes, that's what I've heard. Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. I would love to hear one actual story, and I think this is just like snuff films. I don't think anybody's ever sucked their own dick till they came inside their mouth. And I'd love to— if you know a single person, you send me a picture of their driver's license. That's what I wanted. I want you to ask your friend that says, oh, I definitely sucked penis and my own penis and came into my own mouth, and I want you to send a picture of the— here's the picture from the driver's license to me.

And then what do we send them in return?

Nothing.

Nothing.

No, I read it on the story. You get to embarrass your friend on the show.

You get to embarrass your friend on the show, and that's what you get.

And I think it's a huge, huge get. Yeah, well, we have a light episode today in terms of just like, not material, just in terms of it's nice, it's a little bit less intense.

It's a classic Side Stories episode today.

So we got a couple updates. Number one, the single most American man you have ever met, that is, you've never met, you can't meet him. And if you do meet him, he might slap you in the face, but that's just because you better not talk mess about his favorite tubed meat.

He might be one of the few people I'd pay for a meet and greet with.

Maybe. I might, yes. I might, just because it would be an eat and greet. You know what would be nice about paying to see Joey Chestnut is that he then, he would take it as a job because if he takes it as a job, he's going to nail it. But it seems that his one-on-one fan interaction might not be all that great. But we have really, really good news in the single most American headline of all time. Joey Chestnut has been cleared to defend hot dog eating title at the nation's 250th birthday celebration despite being on probation for battery. I think that the reason why he's even going— I mean, like, it's— it is of the time.

Yes.

To have somebody on probation. I think most of the people at the 250th will be on probation.

I hope so.

You know, like, but I think, well, yeah, they haven't escaped from jail. Yeah, they will be there because they— I feel like the 250th celebration this year will be the most ankle monitors we've ever seen on the White House lawn. Like, this is going to be the most on parole outing.

Wasn't the point of the ankle monitor so you can't leave, or are they— they have to be at the White House?

You'd have to be at the White House to be there, right? Yeah, and then hopefully participating in the games. But this, I guess they are doing this for the 250th year, for July 4th. Joey Chestnut is being released conditionally from his jail in Indiana, which is hilarious, to come to New York City.

He's actually in jail?

He was. He's— he now isn't under— he has 180 days of probation. He's he's not supposed to leave Indiana. Oh, right, so he's not supposed to leave the state.

Well, he's got to work.

Well, well, could you not do a hot dog eating championship in Indianapolis?

Yeah, if you don't want to make fucking money. And they eat sausage there.

Do you want to go to— you honestly, if Joey Chestnut really wanted to be a champion, he'd go to the sun punching competition that happens in Gary. No, you've seen that one where you punch— they line up suns and one father tries to punch as many suns as he can.

The Joe Jackson Sun Punching Festival.

Yeah, until his hand breaks. He does it till his hand breaks, and then— but this year we're hoping to get to a baker's dozen kids. Yeah, that'll be the new record. But Joey Chestnut was in a bar in Indiana getting pretty fucking hammered, as he does. He says Joe Chestnut does not remember the incident.

Wow, so he's blackout.

He got fully blackout, and according to him, or according to a video he saw after the fact—

I don't know if I miss getting blackout drunk or not.

I really don't miss getting blackout drunk. I don't miss wondering or feeling deeply embarrassed. Yeah.

Just waking up and be like, oh, fuck, who do I got to call?

Well, thankfully, I never black— like, thankfully or not thankfully, I never blackout. I would definitely feel as if I was driving from the back seat. Yeah, but I definitely wasn't blacked out.

You think back in the day when we were going hard in Murderfest, you never blacked out?

Tallahassee, it was more like that, but not in New York.

No.

Yeah, I could never drink enough.

Good for you.

And stay awake.

Yeah, well, I worked at too many sports bars. There was nothing I could do about that. Thank God I got out of that business. You saved my life.

Hey, hey, welcome. Hey, welcome to this, into the incredible world of show business. Now, Joey Chestnut, he's in show business, and apparently he did this thing, which we've all done.

Yeah.

Probably in less observed times, where a person came up to him to shake his hand, and it seems they got into like a funny little tussle. Thing according to Joey Chestnut when he watched the video after the fact. But then he took it a bit too far when I guess he started slapping him in the face. Now, Joey Chestnut—

the guy started slapping Joey?

No, Joe, he started slapping the fan. But the thing is, is that we don't know what he did. We don't know whether or not this was a situation—

was it a fun slap? They don't— the video is not released.

No, Joey Chestnut's saying he thinks— he entirely admits fault and says, I'm sorry, I'm black, I was blacked out, I got to figure out what I'm— what's going on in my life. He did say that, but But he's like, it did seem like I was having fun, whatever it was that I was doing, but I hurt the man while I was having fun. We didn't know. Joey Chestnut's kind of a big boy. He's 6'1". Yeah, he's 6'1", 210, between 210, 230, right? Yeah, he is. He's a big boy. And so it seems they got into a little, like, quote, what would have been a funny tussle, but then he was really intoxicated and then he might have really hurt this man and he slapped him a bunch in the face. We don't know whether or not the man who came up to him was saying stuff like, oh, Mr. Hot Dog Man, thinks he can eat all the hot dogs.

That's definitely what happened. You're at a bar in Indiana and Joey Chestnut walks in.

Oh, you want some mustard? I got it in my fucking mustard distributor. And then he's having to go like, hey, listen, I'm off the clock.

Okay. Yeah, not today. Wait, you bring it to Nathan's.

Yeah.

Hey, when you see me out there at Comets, we can talk.

Yeah. But if not, you don't see 40 pounds of escargot in front of me, do you? I'm at work, right? Yeah, normally I'm eating 15 double pounders, all right? But now I'm here drinking BLs because that's my real life, right? And so then the guy probably, who knows, then he could be like, I bet I could eat more hot dogs than you. I got bigger throat. You can't eat more hot dogs than me.

You don't have a bigger chest than me.

I got a big-ass throat.

I'm Joe Chestnut, I'm a champion.

I bet you fucking like pigs in a blanket.

Yeah, of course.

And just fucking just cracks him in the mouth. Fucking cracks him in the fucking mouth.

All right, so I ran into Michael Moore at a bar. Not Michael Moore, the fat documentarian.

Yeah, I was about to say, he's like a— because I bet he could eat a lot of hot dogs.

I bet he could do well. No, Michael Moore the boxer, the guy who knocked out and won the title from Foreman. Or did he lose to Foreman? Can we look that up real quick?

Where are we? Can we have a straight man fact? Straight man fact.

But anyway, so I recognized Michael Moore. I was at a bar. This is years ago. This is before I even knew you. And I saw him in a bar. We're all drinking, getting blackout. And I cozy up to him like, Michael Moore. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we just talking and drinking. We like had a nice night.

You call him champ?

Yeah, of course.

That's what you always gotta call him champ.

Oh dude, I got to call Fraser champ once. No one recognized him and he was walking around at the, it was the roast of Tarantino and he was walking around and I was like, what's up champ? And he's like, and he stopped and shook my hand. It was very cool. But so I see Michael Moore and at the bar and I recognize him immediately. He's got a very distinct face. And I was like, we're just talking. I asked him, I was like, do people like try to fight you? And he's like, man, all the goddamn time. He's like, people always try to fight me.

And he's like, that's the last person you want to fight. Sorry, it's, uh, yes, um, he beat Evander Holyfield.

He beat Holyfield, but he lost to Foreman is what it was. When Foreman came back, when Foreman came, that was the one-two, the slow two punch.

Yeah.

Which people said it was a fix, but if you really watch that, yo dude, he's got, his arms are both like 100 pounds. Like he's a fucking, he knows what to do.

He is one of the hardest with punching boxers ever in all of history.

Yeah, but remember he's saying the people— yeah, that's— so this happens to these people, of course.

And Joey Chestnut, he pled guilty to Mr. Meaner Battery, so that is kind of cool. He pled guilty, he acknowledged what he's doing, so he got 180 days.

If you slap somebody than if you punch somebody?

No, I don't think so. I think it should be— no, it's all assault. It should be— you should be—

like, heavy assault.

There is levels depending on what you do to the person, but you can't get— once you get—

because when you flip off a hat, it's assault, and that shouldn't be the same as fucking punching I got punched in the face 8 times.

It's all about severity and the cops going to call it as they see it. Largely, they're going to call it as they see it. But normally, as soon as there's physical contact, it's assault, especially in a domestic violence situation. And then depending on the state, they might have to do something. So if they— if any physical contact happens, which I agree with, I think that's how it goes. If we are getting to the point where we're calling the police, then obviously something is going on.

Shoulder check. Shoulder check should be allowed.

You couldn't do that no matter what.

I feel like a shoulder check is plausible deniability.

Yeah, I mean, we all have done it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we've all done it.

Everybody's challenged somebody else.

Oh yeah, get out of the way, I'm trying to get off the subway.

Of course, you got to do it, right? But the thing is, is that because of his indiscretion, Joey Chestnut was of course in danger of not being able to perform this year, and this is a crucial fucking year for hot dogs.

It is a big year for hot dogs.

This is a big-ass year for hot dogs. Fuck whatever's happened in the White House, I don't give a fucking shit, but for the hot dog eating competition, yeah, this is a very big year.

250, I bet they're gonna have to like block off the streets more than usual.

Dude, you know who else has performed while on probation?

Who?

I thought it was interesting. It's Mike Tyson, Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, Hope Solo.

Okay.

Who you met.

I met Hope Solo. Very attractive lady.

Oh yes.

She was very nice.

Good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't try to hit me or nothing.

Wow. You see, that's again, and that's because you are a habitual fucking line stepper, Eddie, and you're not. Now we do know that he was not allowed, Joey Chestnut. He says that he was not allowed, remember 2024 famously, He had taken his Impossible Foods, the fake meat company, he'd taken an advertising deal from that. Yeah, they got mad at that.

He got a worse deal for eating vegan food than he did for slapping a human being and getting arrested.

He really did. He got way more punished for it, which is true. 'Cause he said, and then Chestnut then said inside of putting together some other thing, he did an impromptu separate event in 2024 where he competed against 4 Army soldiers in a 5-minute hot dog eating contest. He ate 57 dogs in 5 minutes. The other guys ate 49 combined.

Oh, you know, he was just relaxing. 'Cause when he's gotta do it fast for Nathan's, he eats like 70, I think.

Oh dude, because then the Patrick— Yeah, Patrick Berletti, who won the national Nathan's that year because he was still there, right? He obviously, he got the gold just because the fucking champion wasn't around. He got 58 dogs in 10 minutes. So when 2025, When Joey Chestnut went back, he fucking put down a staggering 70 and a half hot dogs and he won, but he was still 5 short of his record. And he is still very, very upset because he wants to come back because according to Joey Chestnut, this sport isn't about eating. It's about drive and dedication. And at the end of the day, hot dog eating challenges both my body and my mind. Yeah. Hey, he fucking— right before he defended the title in 2014, he, um, he did engage to his— he got engaged to his girlfriend, but they broke up a year later because she couldn't handle the heat.

Yeah.

How many hot dogs could you guys do in 10 minutes, you think?

In 10 minutes?

Yeah.

Oh man, probably like if— 5 if I had to. Yeah, 5, maybe 6.

I am not a—

had to—

I'm not a speed eater.

Yeah. Also, I don't, I want to enjoy it. They don't put like condiments on it. You know, it's just dipping it in water. It just seems gross to me.

You know what?

I feel like I could like go toe to toe with people. Shrimp.

Yo, no, I was about to say same goddamn thing. Yeah.

Scallops. I bet I could go, I bet I can go hard on scallops.

I think I could eat a solid 200 shrimp.

I have, I have an unending belly for shrimp.

I can eat shrimp till I throw up. I can eat shrimp till I pass out.

There is something about it incredible.

What's the most shrimp? Yeah, yeah, I'm looking it up right now.

Yeah.

Oh, Joey Chestnut has done some stuff! Oh, I bet 21 pounds of shrimp he ate— whoa, that's a lot of shrimp! Whoa, 200 shrimps, man, in 8 minutes! That's a lot.

21 pounds?!

You think you could handle that? No, nope. Nothing. Yeah, I like eating it.

Oh, and he used horseradish sauce.

Oh my God, what a man! A lot of shrimp. He's a real Man, I wonder if you had to peel it.

No, I mean, well, you know, that, that's kind of what I like about it is like taking my time peeling it. This is for speed. This is for speed.

You can't just be—

I like to relax with my shrimpies.

I like sucking them out. I suck them out of the tail.

Oh yeah, the heads. Yeah, look at that.

Yeah, fuck yeah, he's eating all that shrimp.

Oh my God.

Wow, he's just eating shrimp by the fucking handful. Oh my God, that is truly, truly vile. This is like— that is not how That is not— if there's a God, that is not how God intended for shrimp to be eaten.

I mean, that is how shrimp is intended to be eaten. It's correct.

Sorry. Yeah, you're right.

Holy fucking shit, you're right.

It's a handful of fucking shrimp. It's just something about eating a handful of shrimp like it's an apple that is just not good for you. It can't be good.

Rise from your grave. These are like, these are like the enhanced games, whereas like, I know it's wrong, but I'm so morbidly curious.

All right, so I watched some of the enhanced games, talking to the enhanced games. I watched some of them just because I was curious, and they were saying according to, uh, they brought that Vampire Millionaire guy on for some reason, the guy that's like 42 but looks 39. Yeah, I mean, he keeps replacing his fucking blood over and over again with his son's.

Is that the guy with the big butt? What?

What?

There's a guy with BBLs that does pranks all the time. I just figured it was him.

Like, you fucking talking about—

you don't know about the guy with BBLs that does pranks all the time?

He's always got an optic on. Look at something else while I'm looking.

Yeah, and he runs and he— yeah, let me just—

something else. All right, so the Enhanced Games, um, we legitimately are nowhere near— they thought they were going to break all these records by having all of these guys in illegal equipment using every single form of PED. They've got one world record. They got one. Yeah, ladies swimming, and it's really got a lot to do with the suits. What they're saying is it's like high-tech suits they were wearing. Oh, they were saying that some of the swimmers were so loaded on PEDs they were literally sinking into the water. The, uh, the Mountain, the guy from Game of Thrones, yeah, he fell a full 30 pounds short of his record. Dude, he's old. 30 kgs. He doesn't matter.

Game of Thrones was like 10 years ago. He killed Pedro Pascal. The first time any of us saw Pedro Pascal.

No, I'm saying he had set this up. The guy who played the Mountain, he's been a very high-level strongman competitor for a long time.

But yeah, he's in his 40s.

But that is technically prime— that's prime time for strongmen.

You think so? Yes.

Oh no, I know so.

Your bones start going.

No, dude, because the thing is, is that your mobility starts going. The worst part is that, like, the thing about the strongest men in the world is that they can't, like, walk upstairs. But they can do so many other things, like carry a big rock. Rock, they can throw a keg, they can do stuff like that, but they can't move fast and they can't— and they're going to die early. But before they do that, they're very strong. And the Mountain was really— he was prepping for this. This was a big deal because he was all juiced up to the fucking tits. Yeah, to get it over.

I mean, they all lived. I feel like that's a triumph in the enhanced games.

None of them died while— but no, they were all— there's a lot of doctors there, a lot of guys in lab coats. A lot of doctors, you know, like the X Games. We're not X Games. What was it? The, uh, when they did NFL, uh, the XFL, and they brought that back and they'd have like, oh yeah, fake doctors and stuff.

They let the players date the cheerleaders and shit. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. That was fun. He ate me. He was fun.

Oh yeah, he ate me. But it seems that the enhanced games were largely a failure.

Fred Curley, uh, ran the 100 meters in 9.97 seconds, which is insane. Yeah, that's an insane amount, but it's still not the record. No, it's not. He did not beat Usain Bolt, who ran it in 9.58 seconds, and he did it normal. Yeah, he did it normal. Yeah, so he did it Usain Bolt-like.

Yes, but just know that the enhanced games, we're not there yet. Hopefully, what I'm hoping in the further— they broke one version, they got the one, they got the one, um, Christiane Guglielmi.

They got that American. Yeah, they love how American these games are.

He went, he got— that was a man, I'm sorry, I misspoke, it was lady swimming, it was men swimming. He won, but it doesn't matter, doesn't count because he was on steroids. So again, this is— I think we're just at the beginning of this Enhanced Games. Next thing I want, giant cages. I want them in mech suits with weapons fighting each other. This is next. I feel like that's—

but that's like 10, 15 years off.

Yeah, hopefully.

No, we're going to have to do Enhanced Games at least like 8 times before we get to fighting to the death.

I just want fighting. It doesn't even have to be the death. It is the fighting to the—

to the—

your crypt crippled.

Yeah, I would—

that's what I prefer. If we're doing enhanced games, I want to see them really do enhanced things. I want them on sort of like a giant spinning, like, mountain climbing wall that they'll fall off of into like a bunch of water filled with piranhas. American Gladiators, but real. But real, like you actually can die in it.

I know they have it in Vegas and it's a good place for it, but I feel like the best spot would be like Moscow.

Oh, that's if we really want to do it. No, Dubai.

Dubai.

Yeah, just so that men can die legally. Yeah, yeah, so that we can all be happy and really be entertained.

Yeah, where can they do it and actually just kill people and it doesn't matter?

Dubai.

Dubai.

Gary, Indiana. I'd say either one of those. There's anywhere where you can do a competition to death in 2026. Not in this economy.

Hell yeah.

All right, so we got a couple— one more update, one more update.

This guy, the, um— so last week we briefly talked about the The billionaire who fell to his death back in 2024, and his son is currently being accused of pushing him off. And we weren't sure about it. There's a lot of things going on. Obviously, the story is still developing.

When we first thought, I thought it was like a boy.

Yeah, I thought it was like a 17-year-old just like, fuck you, Dad.

Yeah, you do anything. I hate you. You won't let me have tapas in the nighttime.

Yeah, but Jonathan Andik is a straight up man. Yeah, he works for the company Mango Fashion. And he had to quit after he got arrested. And so now he's not even a part of the, of the Mango Company anymore.

What I love is, is that he seems that he went and they're like, yes, they're like, oh, he wanted the, the money, right? He wanted the money. He was trying to kill his father for money. But it's just such a funny idea of being like, aha, yes, I will push my father into the canyon.

Yeah.

And no one will be the wiser because every man Who goes along the canyon, he does a risk and eventually—

Yeah, and I believe, you know, I was like, you know, and it makes sense. Like, an old man could easily fall to his death.

I mean, he does the same thing. Yeah, and there's definitely, uh, it's not like it's covered in CCTVs and it's not a very popular path and it's not a thing that they do every day and it's not like he's, you know, whose whereabouts would be heavily questioned about where he was even missing for an hour, you know.

Well, I think, no, it wasn't like he went missing. It was like he's like, oh, Oh no.

Oh yeah. I went there. I took my father and the next thing you know, he slipped on a plantain. But the problem is, oh, there's so much pulpo. So much slippery pulpo.

But the main issue with it is he visited the site 3 times prior.

He wanted to make sure that this was it.

He like went and scouted it. But now I know what you're saying. He scouted it. What's the big deal? I go to places more than once. I've been to Runyon Canyon 10 times. Goats, you know, like, you know, like it's like, so I mean, they ask you to leave.

Yeah, they think you're there to handle the goats, you know.

So you're thinking about that, you're like, oh, so there's still like a little bit of plausible deniability. But then he, um, they— his WhatsApp got leaked.

Oh no.

Yeah, no, his WhatsApp got leaked, and that's really what's leading to the, um, premeditated, uh, premeditated role here. And, uh, he asked certain things like, um, him. A judge's writ said that the relationship between the father and son had been deteriorating, owning that Jonathan Ardic's obsession with money—

always—

and his WhatsApp messages had expressed feelings of hatred, resentment, and thoughts of death, and blaming his father for his situation.

My father will not let me go. Yeah, he will not let me go to the bullfights anymore.

Yeah, he said, uh, we share many cherished loving memories together.

Of course they did. Yeah, sure, like when he first gave him money, when he secondly gave him money, when he did Oh, billionaire sons, they definitely are filled with, I guess, empathy.

I don't know if that's true. No, but it does show that there is a cost of being a billionaire.

There really is. And sometimes what that cost is, your family hates you.

Yeah, your family hates you and they're gonna try and kill you and steal your money.

But every billionaire knows that. That's part of it. Every single billionaire knows that.

Yeah, we saw the movie. You ever see the movie Greedy?

But yeah, but that's the reason why I love the movie Greedy.

Greedy's great.

Love that movie with Kirk Douglas. Oh yeah, gotta love that movie. But also, you know what it is? That's the problem with billionaires, right, is that they're always like, oh, I'm a billionaire, everybody wants to kill me, now I have to fucking punish the world because everybody wants to kill me. Yeah, they don't really understand. If you had just got down to like $999 million, we wouldn't want to fucking kill you anymore. So maybe you just got to think about just give enough money away to society where we won't want to fucking kill you anymore.

Yeah. Oh, and also Mango Company is like on Russia's side in the Ukraine war.

Oh sure, they're doing great. Yeah, what, making them hats? What are they doing for the fashion industry over there? I don't think the man's nice man.

No, probably not.

No. Well, good riddance.

Good riddance.

And I hope they're all punished one by one because everybody hates— I cannot believe you're wearing that silver jacket.

I know there's a good chance I'm completely wrong here, but I feel like if I were going to prison for the rest of my life, I'd want to do it in Spain.

Oh, of course.

Get naps. Oh, speak about shrimp. I know it's half of it shrimp.

Probably Spain is— you get all the coke and the red wine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, so many— I'd love to go to prison in Spain. Yeah, prison in Spain. We're going to get so many. We're going to get so many. Just sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. What's prison in Spain like?

Yeah. Do you like it?

How are you doing?

Are you watching this on Netflix in prison in Spain? Is that how nice it is? All right, here we go.

All right, we got a great story here. This is extremely important. There's a lot of times I know we've covered, like, you know, between the Iranian Revolution and Jeffrey Epstein and Alligator Alcatraz, really funny funny stuff. This is one of the more serious stories cuz you just never know your pets. Mm-hmm. You never really know them. Uh, they are mysterious. And honestly, this is another example of why I'm glad we don't have cats.

Yeah. This is a Reddit article.

This is not a, not an article, a Reddit post asking for help. I guess I'm not, again, this is not anti-cat. No. Well, I'm fine with cats. We're, again, we're not anti-cat. This is just a specific because I will counter this with the dog story. Just I understand.

This comes from a man, a user named, uh, um, Eldritch Pussy Maggots. So yeah, yeah, so yeah, so remember that when you hear the story.

So I'm just gonna read this real quick. This comes from Reddit, everybody's favorite place. Not really looking for a fix, just information, just looking for information. My cat, 7 years old, male, neutered, has already been to 2 behaviorists when my parents had him. Both were confused according to my parents. This is a known issue, but it doesn't cause any problems because he's not allowed to interact with other cats whatsoever. Okay, definitely not an issue at all. He's very sweet to people, not very small children. And he gets overwhelmed by kids, right? He doesn't try killing them. Yeah, but he seems to react to other cats the same way he would to a squirrel or to a rabbit, as in just pure predation. No recognition that they are in the same species. He does not display any territorial aggression to other cats, none of its dominance behavior. Ears don't go back. Fur never puffs out. He never growls or hisses. Nothing. He's just hunting. Never seen anything like it. The shelter was hesitant to adopt him out of all of this due to his history, but they did so because one of the other shelter workers personally knew my stepmother and was interested in weird cats.

Is your cat weird?

Fine, thank God.

Yeah, let me see you weird. Let me see.

What you call it a weird? He's got backwards head.

Hey lady, you got a weird pussy?

Yeah, you got weird pussy.

I'm talking about cats, but I like to use that word to freak you out.

Yeah, they do that just to kind of make people uncomfortable. What's your weird pussy at? Oh, I got 9. They were considering euthanasia because he was returned multiple times, but they want— but we still wanted to give them a chance due to just how friendly to people he was and smart he is. Sure, he's well-fed, he's always been well-fed. Killing and eating other cats which belonged to a previous owner was not something he did out of desperation. Judging by what I know about the event and what behavior I've seen, I'm entirely sure it was predation. He's injured a cat my parents were pet sitting to the point of needing an emergency vet visit and extensive reconstruction of its neck. The cats were separated, but a child left the door open for a minute. My cat ran downstairs, caught the smaller cat, went for the throat, immobilized, and attempted to drag him underneath the furniture. They were separated before he could kill the cat. My parents have had him since 2023, and I recently, September 2025, took him when I moved somewhere that allows cats. Cats. I'm set on keeping him. Cool. Very important note: he's no longer around other cats.

Great.

Period. Done. Edit 1: more details. He did eat a cat owned by one of the previous people who adopted him.

I don't think we mentioned this, actually. It's a cannibal cat.

Yep. In addition to 2 previous surrenders for similar behavioral issues, which I don't know much about. From what I know, he's had a good introduction to a smaller female cat with no territorial behavior, was left alone for a day. When the owner came back, it was a giant bloody mess. The shelter was sure that he did kill the female cat and was eating the body. That's the reason why they were considering euthanasia until he was offered to my stepmother. Further clarification: he does not hate cats. He likes them, just like how he likes birds.

I mean, you really can't tell.

It's just like, did Jeffrey Dahmer like guys? Yeah, yeah, well, a lot. Too much. Predation and terrible behavior are not different things. If you can't tell the difference, you shouldn't be giving input on post. He is not stressed by other cats. He is not anxious and does not feel threatened by other cats. He doesn't need anxiety medication. Anxiety medication doesn't stop cats from having a prey drive. He does not hiss or growl or try to look intimidating. He has no other behavioral problems. He doesn't yowl or anything when he attacks. He finds cover, stalks, ears up, eyes big, completely silent. He gets very curious and excited when he sees other cats. He's seen my friend's cat separated by ceiling height gate and supervised by 2 people. He seemed extremely inquisitive, sniffing, ears forward, no sound. My cat did not respond whatsoever to my friend's cat's hissing, growling, or puffing up. He just seemed curious and started trying to see if he could stick his head around the side of the gate and pawing through the bars. Then he started looking back at me and meowing and rubbing on my legs. No, edit number 3, no, he is not going to be euthanized.

I did not make this post asking for advice. I made it asking for information about why he's fucked up. Stop telling me to put him down. Stop applying human morals to animals. He behaves like any other small predatory mammal, only he does not have the ability to recognize members of his own species. I've already had him by myself since September of last year, and before that I was around him at my parents' house since 2023. Okay, he's literally fine by himself. He's my cat and I love him. All right, he's perfectly healthy and affectionate and the smartest cat I've ever owned. I've got 100+ people telling me to kill my pet. It bothers me the way it you? Seriously, fuck off. Just all of you, fuck off.

It is an open forum.

And at 4, changing the format so the events were in chronological order and clarified some vague tenses.

Here's—

but anyway, I will not. You're not this guy. I don't care what you say.

It is a cute cat.

Sorry, that's my Reddit lady voice.

Yeah, no, that's great. Um, go to the bottom of this and click on the next one there. Uh, the— there you go. That red, the follow-up post.

Up, up, up.

Yeah, there you go. Click on that. There we go. There's the cat.

Oh yeah, the cat's really cute.

The cat's really cute.

The cat's really cute. I thought Jeffrey Dahmer was a really, to be honest, really attractive teenager.

Did you read the follow-up by any chance?

No, I did not read the follow-up.

Do you want to try and guess what the cat's name is? Name it.

Casey Anthony.

Baby Jesus.

That is the funniest fucking—

What?

The cat's name is Baby Jesus?

The cat's name is Baby Jesus.

I— And it's a cannibal.

This is just unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Jesus feeds himself to the Catholics.

Oh, every day. Catholics are cannibals.

Yeah, they are cannibals. Yeah.

So can I ask, Eddie, you know, we were talking about this right before the show. I unfortunately believe— I'm gonna say this nicely, I love you all— I feel that the cat is unsavable. And if the cat—

I don't think it needs saving.

It's killing other animals. But I do get It's—

if it's living alone with this man, then you don't have to worry about it. Lots of cats kill other animals. Tigers, lions. It's probably reincarnated.

You know, I guess, you know, in the end, if this is what this person wants to do, I just find it interesting that they really spend such a long time defending the cat when you just, you know, because like obviously—

I mean, I don't know what he was expecting people to say.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know how you could make this post and say my cat's a cannibal and then people tell you to kill it and then, you know, like, what the This, or this is a handsome kitty, uh, is from, uh, this is from one of the Reddit comments. Yeah, there's a handsome kitty. Glad to see that you're giving them the best life. Um, Eldritch Pussy Magnets, that is the man's name. Eldritch Pussy Magnets loves this cat. Magnus, I keep saying magnets. Maggots. All right, okay. Yeah, yeah, he takes him out on a harness Furnace and a leash, which I think is irresponsible. I feel like this is the cat— if you're gonna keep it, needs to stay in the house.

My parents are— so this is when they update. My parents also kept him with a very large Maine Coon, and he didn't seem to understand any larger cat's attempt to communicate. Baby Jesus would ignore the hissing, growling. Got his ass handed to him when you sat there and he didn't back off. And it says here it would try to eat a Chihuahua. Yeah, that's what it's saying. Yeah. It would try to eat a fucking Chihuahua.

I'd say anything its size or smaller.

He does play rough.

That's what he says.

Yeah, he plays rough. It's a fucking murderer. It's a murderer.

Yeah, it's a fucking murderer. And we all know dogs play rough.

Well, when they, you know, when you, when you, when you're speaking their language.

Um, he doesn't like string toys. He just looks at his hand.

It's just the way they brought up all of this without anybody saying anything about the cat killing and eating other cats, and then everyone just be like, I can't believe that You guys would have an opinion on this thing. I'll post it out for an opinion. I made an opinion post asking for opinions, and then you gave me all your opinions, and you're fucking wrong.

I love— he's answering.

My tits are caught in my belt. My tits are caught in my belt. I got stuck in the— I got to the OB-GYN, kicked me out today because I had— they found a snake in there. Bear.

But apparently there is like, they found the cat had killed other cats before.

Yes.

It's killed multiple cats.

Yes. And yes, it's like, oh, it's not around other cats. Is that what we do with a psychopath murderer? Yeah.

You take him away from society and you lock him up and you put him away.

But yeah, but then he's not, he doesn't get to stay away. Like he doesn't get treats and stuff. Like when a prisoner, when a cat gets put in prison, Maxwell gets streets.

She, she has a great time. She does. Anytime someone talks about her, they get in trouble. They get, they get moved.

Wow. Yeah, we need a mental facility for pets. Yeah, I've been thinking about this. I'm actually going to start one. I'm going to start mine. My Zach Bagans.

Zach Bagans should buy this cat and have it go around the fucking museum.

Yeah, and you kill other cats. Yes, that's a great idea. Yeah, they should put him up for that. Do you hear that? You hear that, Eldritch pussy maggots?

I think that'd be a great hat to Zach Packins.

Well, this kind of dovetails—

sell your—

honestly, there was big money there.

Rise from your grave.

Maybe we can figure out what's wrong if we use this, like— so in China, they've been doing this AI, like, weird animal translator thing that people are, like, falling in love with, saying that it can recognize what a dog's saying and going to put all these things out. My problem is that as soon as I saw the words AI, I'm like, oh, that's fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because this is the thing, I'll—

can I— everyone does want to talk to their pets.

We all do. We all want to know. You don't really want to know what they're saying. I want— I actually was like, I read a very interesting article this weekend about dogs, and you see this thing with the, the, the, the communication pads with the buttons that they can say words.

Yeah, bitch, fuck you, bitch.

Yeah, it's always bitch, bitch, kill the president, kill the president, kill the president.

I was like, why?

Where did Where did you learn that? And I, um, but this, the thing about AI, the dog, yeah, obviously. But this AI, like, I feel like it's saying it's using this— AI is now a buzzword. They're throwing AI on things. They tried to sell me at the store the other day, my dryer broke. I was like, I just want a dryer. I want one of those dryers I'm like my mother has where you just replace the one part. She's had the same dryer for fucking 35 years. He says it doesn't exist anymore. You could get this other dryer. I was like, what is it? He's like, the thing is you're going to want to buy this dryer, you're going to have to buy the washing machine with it. I'm like, what are you fucking talking got? He's like, it's got AI in it, and the AI talks to the washer, and they talk back and forth.

AI, I hate. I want it to die, and it's destroying the planet. These data centers need to be closed down. But AI, if it's going to do anything, it should be doing our laundry.

But you're talking about— no, no, no, it's just— but it's just a buzzword first. You mean software. It's just software. It is not a little— your, your washer's not thinking. It's not sitting going, I hope that these panties aren't full enough. These panties are all full of blood. I guess you must The ladies talk like, that's not what it's thinking. It's not thinking anything. They're just connected together. It's stupid. AI is a buzzword that means fucking nothing. But with this term, like this idea of using dog translation app is that with dogs and animals, they more so develop tailor-made to you. Yeah. So they were talking with dogs on the, on the, the talk pads. They would learn a couple of things. Like they say that they could talk, they could teach a dog up to like 40 or 50 words.

Yeah. But you choose the word.

Yes. And you can— and they say that sometimes dogs can really put together in a string certain words, and they figured out certain things. Oh yeah, yeah, the AI thing just saying, "Mom, I love you." Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, of course everyone's going to love it if it just says, "Mom, I love you." Yeah, but it didn't say that.

It's Chinese.

Yeah, it's saying, "I want to kill the cat next door." It's saying, "I want to kill Odie. I want to kill the— I want to kill your son. I want to kill the children." Yeah, but the If you listen to the dog people that are training the dogs, they find that the dog really understands things obviously around food, treats, but the word now. Like dogs love the word now. And then if you could figure out—

They're very impatient.

You put the word later in and it's just this funny thing. People talk about ending in this like long like argument with their dog where they're just going like, treat, treat. And you go like, no, later. And it goes, now. And it's like, later, now, later, now. And it's kind of funny, but it's, it's only communicating because it's learning you.

I don't think it understands the concept of later. I think it understands the concept— I think they think later is no.

Well, that is—

it is.

It's just in our mind, they— we were— we believe we're creating really nuanced conversation with the animal when we're really just sort of gamifying its already— its, its natural ability to completely understand all of your verbal cues and physical cues. It's watching everything. It's watching every move that you make. You want to see an example of a negotiation with a cat?

Sure.

It's saying Pippi doesn't want you near here because Pippi's trying to eat. Okay, but that's— I mean, that's interesting.

Yeah, I mean, I don't care.

I don't think it's real. I don't think it's— I don't think the AI part of it is real.

No, Julie wants to go to a pet psychic.

Can I— give me the money, I'll do it. Let me do it. If she's gonna pay money to talk to a pet psychic, I'll do it.

You— but you gotta dress like a psychic.

Oh yeah, I'll do blackface and everything. She'll have no idea. She'll have no idea it's me.

I need lots of necklaces. Oh yes, some finger tampons.

Oh yeah, I'm coming in a full thing. Oh yeah, she won't have any idea. She was like, here we go. I mean, I've— here it's, it's Mistress Wanda.

Yeah, she's like, we should go, we should see what Tootsie's thinking. I'm like, baby, I really don't want to go. And like, she's like That's Tootsie's thinking. Let me die.

Let me die.

Oh man, Tootsie, I thought it was the end and then she's like, she popped back up again and she's just walking around eating a bunch of cookies and shit, having a great time.

Unbelievable.

Once I started getting carbs down her, she fucking turned a new leaf.

Tell me about it. Yeah.

Oh my gosh, she fell down the ramp though and she tumbled like real slow. It was actually the cutest fall that was very dangerous that I've ever seen.

She has no idea she's alive. She has no idea she's alive. But I love her. But you know what dog does know? This dog in Nebraska that shot a woman with a shotgun. What happened? Now, when police in Nebraska were responsible— Oh, you didn't read this one yet?

No.

They responded to a shooting. They arrived at the scene to find an unusual culprit. A dog. The incident took place in the Scottsbluff town of Nebraska. This is according to the Mirror. Shots were fired in a parking lot of a local convenience store. Police arrived at the scene. They found a truck with its doors damaged and a woman who'd been struck on the arm by a shotgun. Shotgun pellet. Investigation in the matter showed that the woman had a loaded shotgun in the back seat of the car, which was inadvertently fired by her dog as it moved around in the seats. The shot ended up damaging the car and even struck a female passerby. It doesn't really know— how does that happen? How does the dog—

they had the shotgun sitting on the fucking chair and the dog jumped on it and it went off.

How does it pull the trigger with its paw?

It depends on how big the paw is, you know. It gets in there and it gets stuck and it freaks 'cause its foot is stuck in the goddamn trigger.

You don't arrest the dog though, right?

No, you arrest the owner and you take their guns away, hopefully.

Nah, that can't be. There's no way they're taking the guns away. I feel like in the end— I love the article just shows the dog's paw.

Ah!

Ah! Just to be like, and this, this is the hands of a murderer. The hands of a terrorist. Arrest.

This guy, I mean, this guy should be— talk about someone that should be put down. It's a lady dog's owner.

Yeah, it's a lady.

She's just driving around with a shotgun loose in her back seat.

Yeah, with the dog. Well, that's dog shotgun.

You at least— yes, how else is it gonna go duck hunting?

I can't— I mean, you know, you don't want it to become a murderer. You know, that's one of the worst things it could be. Is that why they call it riding shotgun?

Oh, oh, it was in the back seat. Oh yeah, why do they hole riding shotgun so you can get up there and shoot out the window.

Hopefully.

Yeah, I think so. I think that's the whole thing.

You got to show— you give us a story, Eddie.

All right, here's this one I'm loving, and it's been developing over a couple weeks, and I kind of had it in my pocket and didn't bring it up yet, but this one I fucking love. All right, so Mount Everest, stupid to climb.

All right, well, now it's definitely like you can just pay money to climb.

There's a line, like you have to like stand in line when you go to Mount Everest and slowly walk up behind a bunch of people and shit because there's a small weather window in which you can get to the very peak of it, right?

And there's a certain season you have to go in. I know there's so many people doing it that they have now created this like logjam at the fucking top that just sits there.

Yeah, which is insane to me. Uh, also there's other mountains. Mount Everest isn't the only mountain. You can go to other mountains. There's other mountains. There's totally other mountains.

Yeah, well, what about— no one does Titicaca no more.

No one does Titicaca no more. Well, I think that's a lake. Um, but, um, Nepalese authorities have charged 32 Sherpas and an alleged fake rescue and insurance fraud scheme up in Nepal, taking high-altitude trekking industry, including routes associated with Everest tourism. They've— what— they've gotten over $20 million from people. Well, they've learned from 2022 to 2025. Well, this is a thing that's so funny because the Sherpas, they lead them to places they can't get down from, and then they're like, oh, you need to be rescued, and they call their boy who owns helicopter, and then they come get them. They're like, do you want to come get— you want to get got? And then they have to like fucking put down the ladder and they charge them out the fucking ass.

This is how I believe. This is what I believe. This is the true Satanist part of me, and sadly the capitalist part of me, that says if you want to pay big-time money to go to the top of Mount Everest and you can't properly research the team that you should take, and this happens you, you fucking deserve it. I think that if you're— because guess what they're also doing? They're not leaving you to die. They could definitely just kill you and take all your things if they wanted to. There's an extended scam that I actually think is kind of funny.

The alleged scheme has affected 4,782 international climbers.

It's very stupid.

That is a lot of fucking people.

It's a lot of people because look at the line. That is the crew. So right now Rob is showing a video of a line of at 40 to 50 people long. Dude, that's 150, dude, waiting to go to the top to get their little fucking picture, right? It's like the Rise of Resistance line, dude, except it's on Everest. Oh yeah, and they wait like this so they can all get their little picture. And then sometimes the problem is, is that while they're standing and waiting, the weather can change so rapidly that they all have to run for emergency cover. Like, this is— it's just getting out of control. It's getting— the idea The idea of this as a money-making scheme and a clout-chasing exercise is kind of getting out of control.

There's so many mountains for you to go to. You don't need to go to Everest. But also, here's the other developing part of the story. The Sherpas they're finding were poisoning people. They were like poisoning their food that they were making and putting like— they were putting a bunch of baking soda in it and it was making them like feel like they had food poisoning and stuff like that. And get it— or like, because it mimics altitude sickness.

Yes.

And so they thought that they were getting altitude sickness when they were up there, but they weren't. And they were just, they just had a bunch of baking soda in their bellies and then they would have to get rescued. And here's the other thing they were doing. I think this is actually how they got caught was they would do a helicopter rescue and like, you know, your dad gets sick and he needs to be rescued. You're sticking around with him, right?

Of course.

And then you got the whole family with you. So the whole family needs to get in the helicopter.

Oh yeah. And that's called, and that's money for fuel.

But what they were doing was they were charging each person in the helicopter for chartering the helicopter.

Of course.

Rather than just a ride in a chartered helicopter.

No, they fucked to everybody, get me— you buy a ticket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was like they're really going after it. 171 out of 1,248 rescues, uh, they seemed— appear to be fake. And they— so they've just been ripping people off, dude. And they got caught, um, in fraud that it came out to $19.69 million is what they're expecting. But now they're getting sued by the Nepalese government, uh, for $1.5 $1 billion in restitution.

Goddamn. I mean, like, this is just one of those where if you want to go and do this thing in order to get your fucking picture— yeah, and do— it's like, I don't know what to tell you. You should research your Sherpa company better.

Yeah, man. Or you just— Kathman, don't do it.

Kathman can do— sometimes a Kathman do. Sometimes Mando.

Um, all right, one more story that I really liked, and, uh, we'll get out of here after that. Um, elder abuse is— I hate when people take advantage of the elderly and steal their money. It makes me insane.

Yeah, if you're gonna do something to the elderly, make sure you, you make them vote first. Oh no, don't steal them. Keep them away at gunpoint.

Yeah, so an elderly California couple— this is out in Riverside— um, this woman she fell, um, for an elder— an elder scam, which is hard to do.

I mean, well, this is the thing, is Zelle—

like, I had to Zelle someone money this week because there was like a death.

And, um, was it hitman fee or—

yeah, it was a hitman fee. And, uh, but the Zelle made me like promise that I knew this person like 4 times before they sent the money.

Honestly, as they should.

As they should. I was very impressed by Zelle. But this This lady, um, she was on Facebook and, and someone impersonating Tom Selleck kept hitting her up for money. First it was $80, then it was $800, and then—

can you imagine Tom Selleck asking you personally for $80?

That dude's got so much stinking money.

He is. And the way also, if you knew anything about his lifestyle and knew that Tom Selleck has created— he has this incredible life in which he rolls into his job in which he makes multiple million dollars, and he he fucking goes into, he sits, he's like a 2-day-a-week where he just, he doesn't stand in any of the scenes. He literally sits in every scene.

Dude, it was naughty in 101, in Crime 101. He didn't, I assume the first time I saw him, I whispered to Julia, I was like, I bet he doesn't stand the entire movie.

And he didn't. Nope. Because that's a part of it. He's like, I sit now. That's what I do. I fucking sit. And so Tom Selleck then going onto Instagram, which also then funny, and then also him hitting you up and then hitting, asking you for $80. Does seem to be insane.

$80 was the first time, and then it got up to $800, and then it was like a charity event, and then his like manager's like son died apparently. And so she keeps like— she falls completely victim to it. She's like— they starts to get like a little sexy, the messages and stuff, you know.

Starts talking, starts to flirt a little bit.

Got to the point—

you know how Tom Selleck likes to throw it down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So her husband cuts her off completely. Not like he doesn't kick her out of the house or anything, but like he cuts her off completely.

Well, he finds out that she gave something like $100 grand or something, like some insane amount of money.

It wasn't $100 grand, but it was a lot of money, and it was obviously fake, and she was obviously getting taken for a ride, but she believed it wholeheartedly. So he took away her credit cards, he took away this, took away that, and then she starts asking her friends for money, uh, to give to Tom Selleck. And so her friends are like, hey, listen, just want to let you know what she's doing. So the guy, he had it up to here. Murder-suicide.

Jesus fucking Christ, he did it? Yeah, he— for some reason I thought it was the lady who did it.

No, the husband murdered— he was embarrassed and he was sick of losing, because when you're so— when you're old, you have no income anymore. And if you're just giving— that's why elder abuse is so bad, because like it's all the money these people are going to have for the rest of their life.

Oh yeah, they lost the money, they're stealing and they're stealing and stealing.

So the guy like lost his mind. And then she started asking his friends, and that was the final straw, because he was embarrassed on top of being broke. And so he just fucking offed her and killed himself.

Jesus fucking Christ. I had no idea it was him. Well, you know, in the end, it is super embarrassing to be cucked by fake Tom Selleck. It's very embarrassing. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's not like— because Tom Selleck, even he ain't what he used to be. I mean, obviously my mom, my mom is still got that. That's the one I think that has got the open invitation position to fuck her.

Oh, my mom would have done anything for Tom Selleck.

My mom, I think, would become a dirty, evil, fucking gross whore for Tom Selleck. Oh yeah, I mean, like, I think that she'd become like one of the— like, she'd become like a— like a fucking grimy fucking street woman for Tom Selleck.

Tom Selleck is a famous detective. He should solve this crime and find out who's doing this.

Can we email Tom Selleck?

Yeah, Tom Selleck. I feel like if anyone—

Tom Selleck, come on, Gmail.

How hot he is in that picture.

He was very hot.

God, look at that fucking cock next to those thighs.

He's very big.

Jesus Christ, he was a real man.

Yeah, he was a real man. That's a real fucking man, right? Wow, that's a real man. God, Tom Selleck, he was like 28 in that picture. Blowing away. Yeah, I know, he's the gayest. Ed's feeling gay. He loves it. He feels it. I get it. Tom Selleck would break Timmy— Timothy Chalamet's arms off.

Oh yeah. Oh, that's Magnum P.I., dude.

Magnum P.I.

He's got a Magnum.

Dad is having him having sex with Timothée Chalamet.

God, I wish he would have fucked my mom.

Yeah, that would have been great.

It really would have.

Would you fuck my mom, Tom Selleck?

Tom Selleck, are you listening to this?

Are you on Facebook?

How busy are you?

Yeah, can you email me? Can you email me?

You were in NYPD Blue. You probably have the call sheet still.

Blue Bloods.

Oh, Blue Bloods. That's right. Blue Bloods.

Yeah, his email too. Yeah, it's Tom. It's Tom. Yeah, he's got— yeah, tomselleck1@gmail.

What was that movie he was in that I love? Mr. Mr. Baseball. I love Mr. Baseball.

Do you think Tom Selleck would be happy, like almost in a way that he still got this much juice?

He really, every time you forgot he exists, he pops right back in the news, dude. And that mustache don't quit.

If you told him, just being like, she killed him for me. Maybe like, wow, that was all for me, huh? It's one of the coolest things I've ever heard.

Still got it.

Yeah, of course, of course she wants Tom. Everybody does, right? Everybody does. And of course he was jealous as all hell. He was jealous even just fake me. You know, that's got to be the thing. He was jealous of fake Tom Selleck. Yeah, if it was real Tom Selleck, he would have bombed the neighborhood. Yeah, imagine if Tom Selleck actually was trying to fuck his wife.

What was that thing? Oh, Jesse Stone. That was the character he'd played all the time. Now I'm just obsessed with his career. Three Men and a Baby.

Yeah, no, he's a very good— he was also supposed to be fucking Indiana Jones.

Yeah, he was. He would have been a good Indy, and that takes a lot for me to say.

He would have been a great Indy. But no, but no, no, he's not the same.

He's not the same. He did, uh, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

All right, now we're just going through this. Now we're just like, we're just naming things. The fucking— I'm sorry, the daughter's The Curse of Satan. Yeah, but I bet you—

starring Tom Selleck.

Yeah, you know, but it's probably not even that fucking big. Wow. All right, so I got a— I've got a couple, like, here, let's do this, uh, I got a listener email.

There's listener emails?

Yeah, sure. You want to hear something?

Oh yeah, here's the old one.

Are you ready, Eddie?

Yes.

Are you horny, Henry? Yes. Sure.

Now it's time for listener Yeah, not bad.

Yeah, it's cool. We've heard that one.

I know, I like it. Yeah, I like it too. It's a song. You can hear a song more than once. You okay?

No.

Let's read this.

Let's do this here. I'm so fucking lovely. Not everything's a fucking travesty. My body's dying.

You gotta see Mandalorian. Grogu.

Oh yeah, so I can really finally jerk off in the theater again. That's what I I need to see, honestly. Yeah, because there's nothing I love better than a little gremlin coming in his own mouth.

He needs to eat.

He does.

Yeah.

Orbs. Back in 2012, my college roommate and I went to Halifax, Virginia to visit my parents and hang out for the weekend. My dad chain-smoked in the house, so me and my buddy spent most of our time outside. We tossed the football around for a while in the backyard and really never went at all in except to grab maybe a couple of my stepdad's buds from the fridge.

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.

My friend Chad mentioned how remote of a place we were in and how cool it would be to see some awful wall shit out in the country.

I agreed.

We focused on seeing something for a minute and laughed it off. I will say, after doing some classes in Transcendental Meditation for a couple of semesters by then, I built a complete unique and relaxed feeling as we did that, and really did feel very connected afterwards. Anyways, one of our friends was having a shindig across the county that night, so we stopped drinking brews early so we could be two legit 20-year-olds driving across Halifax County not wanting to be pulled over. And this is where it starts. The campfire where we were hanging out by died. We were considering leaving. I was talking to my boy when I saw a white light illuminate his face. 'Nice.' I turned around and there was a white orb glowing in the woods by my parents' house, about 50 yards away. We looked at each other, scared out of our minds, and motioned back towards the light, and it suddenly exploded. It almost looked like a transformer exploding. We traded glances back and forth like, 'What the fuck was that?' 'I don't know.' 'It's my orb.' 'My orb.' 'It's my orb.' Orb. Then we heard slow, deliberate footsteps from the direction of the orb.

Something tall was walking through the tree branches, and my dogs woke up and ran towards the sound. When they went, we ran to the house and climbed over a 6-foot carport wall to get in. We immediately locked all the doors and closed the blinds. I went to my parents' room to grab their pistol under the mattress.

Whoa.

Meanwhile, my dog sounded like they were attacking something as they made their way around to the front of the house. My mom woke up, earplugs in, blinders on, as I was digging my arm under a mattress and hearing the dogs going from barking to wailing in front of the house. And as soon as she was up, the dogs were quiet. She walked to the front door as we begged her not to, and all three of the dogs were asleep in the back of the golf cart, and we had to drive around the farm. They never did anything ever before or after. I don't know, spirit shit.

Why don't you get a gun? It's an orb. Yeah, you shoot light.

But Dick was walking in the— in the tra— in the fucking forest, so we thought he might have to shoot something come through the forest, or at least then he'd have a reason to finally kill something. You know what I noticed?

A lot of my pictures of the Grand Canyon had orbs in them. Yeah, yeah. Look at this one.

That's the sun.

No, that's the sun.

Oh no, that's a reflection of the sun on your face.

But there's— but it's in a lot of different ones.

Yeah, I mean, it might be. Just depends on how the camera—

do I just have a bad camera?

Yes.

Does everyone just have a bad camera?

Maybe it's possible, but you'll have to find out on our Patreon, patreon.com/lastpodcastonthelamp. Often you could watch your shows, listen to our shows ad-free.

We don't have that feature on our Patreon. Yeah, go take a look at it.

All right, make sure you live every day wondering if today's the day I'm gonna see something weird and watch an orb explode in front of me. And then you can laugh when it doesn't happen because it's just inside of the film of your camera. And you can love the fact that you might need to go get a new camera.

That's right. Also, we're gonna be hitting the road this weekend. We're gonna be in Rochester.

It's sold out.

Very excited, bro. I am excited. Radio Social sounds awesome.

Everyone's talking about how great—

so excited to just give us food. This is like the first time the venue like keeps reaching out to like make sure that like we're happy and okay.

No, I've never had that.

It's very nice.

It's very, very nice. We're very excited to come to Rochester.

The day before, on May 29th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. Come and see us in Pittsburgh. There's only 4 JK Ultras left. We got Pittsburgh this Friday, Grand Rapids on June 27th, uh, Tulsa, Oklahoma on July 17th, in Oklahoma City on July 18th. Also, uh, you and I are going to be doing a Side Stories in London, Ontario on June 28th.

And that's going to be the murder capital of Canada.

Really?

Yeah.

So what, they have like one last decade?

We'll find out. Yeah.

And, um, so we're gonna be going there. I'm very excited about that. And then Side Stories doesn't have anything on the books until Crime Wave.

Oh no. Yeah. And then we will find out. We will definitely have—

yeah, definitely gonna stuff in there. But yeah, but yeah, as of right now, uh, but please come see, uh, my stand-up. Uh, go to— all dates are gonna be, uh, eddietunes.com. But, uh, on June 7th, I'm gonna be in Phoenix at the Desert Ridge Improv. That's gonna be a lot of fun. I'm bringing, uh, Amber and Julie to that one. And then on July 10th, Bethlehem, PA. A salute to Bethlehem. Uh, that's gonna be July 7th, July 12th, Newark, July 13th, NYC City Winery. That's it's going to be with Kirsten Michelle Sills. And then, uh, July 19th, Plano, Texas. And July 26th, The Comedy Store here in LA. My first headline at The Comedy Store.

Yeah, that was fun.

Yeah, you might see Henry there too. And then, um, August 1st, I'm gonna be in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge. Lots of more dates. Go to eddietunes.com to see me. I'm coming to a bunch of cities, uh, in October. I'm fucking booking it up. I'm very excited about this.

It sounds fucking great.

Yeah. Um, y'all fucking be good, you take care of yourselves, and, uh, thank you to the person who sent us the Deforvid signed vinyl. Yeah, the person who sent me the Deforvid signed vinyl, thank you.

The note's right up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, someone mailed us a vinyl of Deforvid, uh, signed by him. Do we know if it's really signed by him?

It is really signed by him.

Yeah, well, because we also—

thank you, Richie.

Richie, thank you for giving Deforvid money for this.

I think he already had it and then he was like, I need to get this out of my house.

Either way, I appreciate you, Richie. This is—

thank you for the terrible album.

This is the perfect home for that exact thing.

Yep. And we— don't worry, it will never be played. Yeah, don't worry. Goodbye, everyone.

How else do we say, uh, hail, uh, Ryan Porter again? I miss him. Yeah. All right, peace out, everybody.