Transcript of Side Stories: Disclosure Daze w/ Alaska Thunderfuck 5000

There's no place to escape to.

This is the last stop. On the left. Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories, yes. Yes.

How you doing, buddy? We have a very special guest in the studio in a little bit.

It was really fun to have like some nice feminine energy in this place. Yeah.

It smelled better for a second.

It did, because like, I tried to, I put cologne on.

Did you?

I wash.

Really?

Yeah.

I got my, I got this new Squatch deodorant. I hate it, but I'm wearing it, and I did it.

I love that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that you just don't care. You don't care.

Well, no one sells Mitchum anymore. I tried to switch 'em to Mitchum, and no one's got fucking Mitchum.

It's 'cause they put like tobacco in it and stuff.

Yeah, but that's, But now my armpits are red again because I'm squatching.

You know, I find it because you— yeah, you got irritated. You used to do Old Spice.

Fuck me.

All right, this is a bad way to start.

What are you talking about?

We can't just talk about your underarm irritation.

I feel like it was great.

I mean, it's too late. The show already began.

Oh, good. I thought you were trying to restart.

No, we're locked into this.

My shit's all fucked up. I'm looking for help. You're fucking telling me to start over.

You know what? sidestorieslpocl@gmail.com. This is a real problem that Ed has had forever.

His armpits get irritated. Yeah.

And only Mitchum helps me, but I can't find it anywhere.

You like Mitchum?

And I don't use Amazon, so I don't know what to do.

He doesn't use— honestly, I told him to fucking put red clay. That's what I was saying, that's what he needs, red clay.

Maybe that's my issue.

What?

That's why it's all red. All the clay.

Yeah, that might be the problem. Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with the irritated Ed Larson.

Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!

And that's— You know, Eddie, you're allowed to be irritated. I just feel like, you know what I switched to straight up? I just, you know, if we're staying in this boring lane, I'll be right here. I switched up to fancier deodorant and it's better for me.

Really?

I use this like balm. I'm willing to up my game. I'll send you what I use.

Really?

Yeah.

We have similar bodies.

We do.

Back in college, Henry was like, there's like this red spot above my penis. And then I literally was like, you mean like this one? And I showed him. Yeah. I was like, it goes away, don't worry about it.

Yeah, yeah, it's called that. Yeah, yeah. Rob likes the Native. I like the Native too. I use the Native, but I also use kind of like fancier stuff.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, we'll get you in there.

Thank you, I appreciate you.

Speaking of this, there's an update.

Updates?

You know, I just wanted to get into this, the very, very top. First of all, to all the people who wrote in about their handlebar mustache, the people that have fucked people with handlebar mustaches, the people who defended your handlebar mustache, I just want to say, I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you stood up to me.

Yeah.

Right? I'm proud that you did that. I'm proud that you stand in it. And I, and I will reiterate what I said before, which is it wasn't a full-on criticism of the handlebar mustache, but you men, you straight men, as you'll see with our guests we talked about today, you straight men with handlebar mustaches are brave in the fact that you're, you take that onto yourself and that fight onto yourself, and I appreciate that.

I mean, it's better than just dressing in clothes from Walmart and smelling like shit.

Completely agree, Eddie. And I wanna say there's a lot of people that say the handlebar mustache makes a man look safe. I say opposite, but some— but that's what a woman says.

It's literally a cartoon image of a man tying a woman to a train track and blowing her up.

Women like that though. I got several messages from women who said they specifically fuck men because they look like that. Women, we forget, are broken, Eddie.

Yes.

Like that's the thing is that we forget a woman chose us. Yeah. So if a woman—

And we fixed them.

We did. Oh, we got right in there. We got right in there. Okay. And we fixed that up. So I know that those generous, forward-thinking women exist. Yeah. And that's who's attracted to real men like us. Forward-thinking women.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like inventors.

Women who've already been with lots of bad men and they're like, you know what? Attractions for the birds.

Yeah, who cares? I can learn to be attracted to it. I can grow to be attracted to it. And you know what, ladies, you should try that. Try to be attracted to somebody you're not, that isn't, that isn't a toxic person.

Yeah.

Just 'cause they're nice.

Yeah, ugly people are fine.

They can be.

Some of them are awful.

Honestly, a lot of ugly people are also bad too.

Yeah, you're right. You know what? Celibacy.

Speaking of.

Become a lesbian.

Smart Schoolboy 9 is back.

Oh, definitely become a lesbian.

Now this guy, to remind all of you, around the end of 2024, this man who was an Instagram user went under the name Smart Schoolboy 9 and a bunch of other things. We went on a deep dive.

Yeah.

Of this guy where he pretended to be a little British boy where he covered himself in makeup. Yeah.

He does the high-pitched voice.

Yeah, he does a high-pitched British voice. He dresses like a weird little old boy. He first started with him making fake Instagram accounts where he was pretending to be a little boy and then pretending to be all the other little kids talking back to him. He's a nightmare to behold. He's got a big thick tongue that he sticks out. He's got these little, he's painted his face white and he dresses like Angus Young from AC/DC. And then what he does is that he chases little boys.

Yeah, he follows people, right?

He's been recently, that's where it was escalating to, 'cause he also did Truth Sticks 2. There was other, Stephanie Schooley was another account that he used.

And if you look weird on socials, that's one thing. That's, you know, what are you gonna do?

Yes, but he began to approach people in real life, which is what he then said he never did. Did. Uh, he then, he denied all this, but we know Smart Schoolboy 9 is out there and we know he stopped for a while due to all this attention. But it seems that Smart Schoolboy 9 is no longer patient enough to stay home because Rob's good, because as Rob's gonna play right now, Smart Schoolboy 9 has sent another missive to all of us who dare comment upon his life.

Hi there. I'm the real, original Smart Schoolboy 9.

Ugh.

A proper child. Just to be clear, okay? Now, you've probably heard about the unscrupulous scammers that had lied about me.

Sounds like you got two videos to play.

No, it's just bad editing.

2024.

Huh!

Recently, some have decided —to admit that they were asked to lie about me.

I was never asked to lie about SparksSchoolboy90. He did this to himself.

Yeah, we didn't know who they were.

Admitting that they were, in some cases, begged to lie about me.

Everybody told me to not talk about him specifically.

Yeah, even me, I believe. Yes.

I won't look at those comments. I can't. About them. Plenty of those comments are, of course, from real bad people. Some have been caught already. Got 'em. Some have been found out and caught. Others were just scammers. But they got in so deep, some of them, 'cause they couldn't stop. They couldn't stop themselves.

See, Smart School Boy 9 thinks that coming at me is a good thing for him to do.

So you think this is directed at you?

Yeah.

Now who's full of themselves, Smart School Boy 9 or you?

I think that I am his Batman. And that I have arrived here with him. No, I think that it's Nick Crowley, who was the guy that went deep in on Smart School Boy 9. He's got 13 million views on his YouTube. Which is, I think, yeah, we've talked about this. We sent people to him. I just think it's interesting that these villains want to come back and we'll see what he's going to do because he's saying that all of the scammers and the people that said lies about him, they're all being punished and arrested. But here I am, Smart Schoolboy 9.

I don't think he's talking about us.

I think that he should be because we were probably the biggest show that actually covered him.

Well, he's got 13 million YouTube views.

The internet liked him, but now we're back covering him. Now we're here. So I just want to say, Smart School Boy 9, good luck.

Yeah, we're watching you.

You're coming at him? You're challenging him?

Yeah, why not? Come on the show.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're not coming on the show. Come on the show.

Oh God.

Yeah, come on. You don't have the balls to come on the show.

They're not invited.

Probably don't even fucking know where we live. I'll tell you exactly where we live. Where we live.

Where's that?

656 Metropolitan Avenue, Brooklyn, New York.

Oh, there is a picture without makeup.

No, that is— so I think someone else made that.

Oh, someone to see what they really look like around. Yeah, someone else made that. So have there been any other reports like around?

Well, they're saying that the— it went into hiding. I'm calling it it. It went into hiding at some point because of all the attention it was receiving. And then I think it just took off its fucking costume and its makeup. And now that it's getting, it's ready to kind of find its way back because it needs attention again.

It misses the attention.

Yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause it's got nothing else going on.

Yeah. So what'll probably happen is like, this is maybe the time when they will do something bad.

Seems like they'd be a great villain in a pointless film. That's what I'd love. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

It seems like they never really disappeared. They just kind of went underground. Went underground a little bit. They were still being creepy and messaging kids and— Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

We know they didn't go through a manhole cover.

It would be amazing.

Rise from your grave. All right, here we go. What else we got here?

We got, it's kind of a fun story that I, I liked just real quick. I mean, I feel like I'd be disrespecting my alligator people not to bring it up.

Please.

In Louisiana, there was a guy who got a DWI and when the cops pulled him over, he ran from them and he jumped into a swamp. And then, and they were like, hey, get outta that swamp. He's like, fuck you cops. And then, and then a gator saw him in the swamp and swam at rapid speed towards him and started attacking him. And it's all on the web, on the, on the cop's cam. It's pretty fucking cool.

Whoa. And what did he leave the alligator? The alligator kill him?

The alligator bit his arms up pretty bad, but he, he lived and he's in, he's in a hospital right now and he's gonna end up in prison after that. Oh, he stole stuff? No, it was a DWI. Oh, that's it. Look, look. All right, check this out. Check this out. You see him there? You see? Hold on. But he's not getting attacked. That's him swimming. And then you see it. Look at beelining right for him. Oh shit. It's just fucking beelining. Fucking got him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's stupid. Alligator's a fucking cop, dude.

Yeah, dude. That'd sober you up real fast, huh? That's the thing, man. It's like, I don't even know if you can give him a breathalyzer after that. I'd just be like, all right, buddy. I think we can call this even. Can't you just call it even? If he's been bit by an alligator, like you could just go and like, all right, you just—

I think if the alligator took his arms, you could call it even.

You know, just go home. Go home.

Yeah.

I don't think he can go home. He's, yeah, he's—

Oh yeah, this is the thing is that now the entire, they're making memes about making the alligator a fucking police officer. Don't do this to the alligator.

Yeah, it's got a hard enough life.

Don't give it a job. It doesn't need a job. They're just trying to eat. They barely even have a pension plan anymore. What's gonna happen when that alligator lives to 100 and fucking 75 years old?

Especially in Louisiana.

Oh my God.

They treat their cops like shit down there.

Absolutely, he's gonna die. Honestly, I bet you alligator as a cop dies faster than alligator in nature because of the stress.

Oh yeah.

The food, all the bad fast food and stuff like that.

The hours. The family.

Oh my God, your wife going, "Why aren't you here to watch the eggs?" legs anymore.

He's like, goddammit, bitch, I'm not as territorial as you.

I'm just a fucking— I'm a lizard that has a job for the US government.

I love how they gave him 5 fingers.

Yeah, that to me is like—

Of course it's AI, Rob.

You think it's a real fucking alligator in a cop costume?

I don't trust this one. I don't trust this one.

This one seems a little fishy. There's something about this picture that doesn't make any sense. I think it's the fact that he's wearing a bulletproof vest.

And why would an alligator need one?

He's got Yeah, you know, a little classy, you know, for the people.

Yeah, honestly, but they just, you know, a DWI, just stop and take it. Just roll over and take it. Guess what? 'Cause a lot of times, yeah, right now it's bad, but it won't even ruin your life anymore like it used to.

No, no, you'll be fine. Especially in Louisiana, they don't even have real laws.

That's right, Louisiana.

Yeah. You wanna talk about the daredevil who died?

Yeah, that shit's crazy. This is one of those where I don't know I know that they ask for pure death.

I know that's the idea.

I mean—

As a part of the, like, I guess like sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. I haven't seen a giant like stunt in a long time. Do we wanna see 'em succeed or are we happier when they die?

No one watches this to watch 'em succeed. Everyone's watching to see 'em fall.

But I do think that people are then upset when they do see 'em fall.

Yes. 'Cause it's upsetting to watch someone die.

Yes.

People make a lot of decisions and watch a lot of things that make them upset.

See, this is, guy did a base jumping thing, right? So I guess he had walked on a slack line before he done that, and he— his name was Sketchy. Mm, Andy Sketchy Lewis. His name should have been Smacky. Yes, Flatties.

He's famous for— he was the guy who performed during Madonna's Super Bowl halftime show in 2012, and, uh, he died in a base jumping accident in Utah. Now what is that?

That just means he just Right, and then he basically splatted.

He hit a bunch of, he bad lieutenanted some heroin.

He did?

No, I'm just saying freebase, it's base, base jumping, freebasing.

Oh, oh, oh, I was about to say, this is where the story's about to get a lot better.

No, no, no, he just fell and it's kind of sad.

Oh, well, it is sad.

But here's the thing is, if a daredevil never dies—

Then what's the point?

Then what's the point of the whole genre?

I know, I think that—

They have to die occasionally.

I also feel like in this way, This man died in a way that would make him extremely happy. I think, you know, if he was gonna die this way, I bet you he'd much rather die doing a BASE jump than dying of pancreatic cancer, like, laying in a hospice.

Yeah.

I imagine that he never really even thought about having grandchildren surrounding him in a deathbed and him, like, you know, whittling and stuff. Like, he probably—

Certainly not.

That's probably not even his mind.

It's probably what he wanted. 'Cause what's his name?

Who's the guy that does all the, like, the climbs, like, essentially flat surfaces that they give 500K to? That guy that did that other thing.

The guy did the Netflix thing that was so boring?

Freeballing, what's it called?

Free, oh, free solo.

Free soloing.

Free soloing.

Yeah, he goes up there and he does that. He just hates his girlfriend so much.

There was a free solo guy died too this week.

Another free solo guy died?

Yeah, free solo climber dies after fall into a volcanic crater. Yeah, no, that happened this week too. And there was the chick who died bungee jumping, but they never attached the cord to her.

I think this is about the Gemini moon.

Yeah. Is it in retrograde?

Yeah, I think it's the Gemini moon.

It's a bad moon for daredevils. It is.

I just think that there's, maybe there was a bad shipment of grippy socks. Do you think that there was like, there's like one systemic factor that might've led to all of this, like a carabiner metal shortage or like a, like what's killing these guys?

I mean, you know, just time, I think. Sketchy did have—

It was time for a group of them to die at once.

If you call yourself Sketchy and you walk between sky-rises on a string, you're gonna die.

You're gonna die.

Eventually you're gonna die.

And I do think that is the point. I do think the point of it is to eventually, like, that's the circus life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he holds Guinness Book of World Records for walking a slackline above a waterfall in China. Okay. And he had a previously, he beat his own record after he did it in Las Vegas. Wow. Yeah, and so he's performed stunts on at least 3 different continents.

But why would they go over a volcano, like a literal sizzling volcano?

Oh, no, I think it was dormant. It was in Yemen. This is a different guy who fell. Yemen? Yeah, I know. I thought the same thing. I always do it. Yeah, I can't help it.

Every single day. Am I the only person that does it whenever they see the word Yemen?

See, I'm more like—

Yemen.

See, mine's more like Yemen, Yemen. Mine's a little chill.

Yemen.

Yemen, Yemen. But yeah, so he— So yeah, yeah.

Fucking broken brains. That's what that is.

Yeah, but you know—

Why did they all die at once?

It's free, so I don't know. It was just a coincidence that it all kind of happened at once.

But you know, I feel like though, that's almost good for the industry.

Of course. Of course it is.

Right? Like if they all go at once, if it's like a big thing, it brings a lot of people back. 'Cause like I very rarely like, is there a mailing list for Daredevil stunts?

I have no idea. I'm so far removed from the community. It couldn't be ridiculous.

Well, like why don't we get those?

Like, I feel like these things should be advertised more.

I'm like, why are we not being invited to more Daredevil stuff?

They should be on TV more. You know what it is? All right, so let's look at—

Like, I feel like there's a couple things—

Look at Sketchy real quick. Look at Sketchy. Look at Andy Lewis, Andy Sketchy Lewis. You know what it is? He's dressed like shit. Evel Knievel fucking came out, beautiful suit, made nudie suit type of shit.

You don't got a fucking—

Had a great helmet.

You know that you're already walking down my street because I do believe that—

This guy's fucking dressed horribly.

He's lazy. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, take your time. Think about every aspect of the show.

Dress the job, dress for the job you want.

That's right.

And he looks like he's dressed like a messy corpse.

You should always look better than the audience. That's what part of being a performer.

I agree. I feel like that's a thing that we've lost.

Yeah.

On the whole. And I do think that that might have led to maybe if he took himself and his appearance more seriously, he would've taken his job more seriously.

Oh my God. Nothing's worse than when you show up to see a fucking band and they're in shorts.

Yeah. I mean, oh, I have theories. Oh, Fury and I have talked about this. I won't wear pants on stage. I was taught by that by— I saw that by Ed Asner.

You wear pants on stage.

You only wear pants on stage.

Only wear pants on stage. That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't wear shorts, even in the hottest, most horrible conditions.

You're giving people power.

Yeah.

If you wear shorts—

It better be over 100 at an outdoor festival.

If you're wearing shorts as a performer, you're telling the audience, "I'm not better than you." Yeah, heckle me. Do whatever you want to me. Disrespect me. Me. That's what you're saying. Disrespect me. Here's my shins. Hey, don't you hate the top? Don't you wanna see? Oh great. It's Alice Cooper's socks. Yeah.

That's what I wanna see.

But you know, no, honestly, it makes, I mean, I'm sorry Sketchy died. Yes. It's not about that.

I don't think it's not like this is, if there is one subject in which the Yemeni Spider-Man, I'm sorry he died. Yes.

Well, that turns out he met the Yemeni Hobgoblin and you have to be careful when you meet these guys, these unregulated non-union supervillains. Like they are out there, you know, these are just the knockoff supervillains from over here and they don't have any rules.

Yeah. You know what I think it might've been is, yeah, I'm noticing this sketchy Andy Lewis. We're looking at his Instagram page, 411,000. I think the problem is this is Daredevil shit has all gone to social media.

It has.

Evil Knievel had like—

Television. It was television.

Television. People were making sure he wasn't gonna die. Making sure that the stunt was advertised correctly.

It's almost like what you're illustrating is a point that the central media tent, like tent poles, are a useless, functionary money laundering system and probably wouldn't be the all in all and the most legitimate source to use for disclosure. You'd think that maybe even that the daredevils could teach somebody like Steven Spielberg that maybe—

Henry had a bad time with disclosure.

They didn't need to go to a news station and all of this rigmarole. Like, you could have cut an hour and 15 minutes out of that fucking movie where they could have just posted to YouTube, but it's fine.

Yeah, but then they would have died like Sketchy.

Ah. You know, it's almost like there's an internet that's like freely available and that the guy that's the super hacker that got the information in the first place Are these spoilers?

I don't think it matters.

No, they know. It's a popcorn movie. You know what the movie's about. Disclosure Day. If it's just— It's called Disclosure Day. Spoilers. If it's just a disc— literally, Eddie, if I agree with you, if we want to take away any sort of the political importance or anything about the message, if we just strip that from the movie, you're right. It is an absolutely fine 6.5 out of 10 action adventure movie you can take your grandmother to.

Yeah, that's what I liked about it.

That's why a lot of people like it.

I like the Kaminsky cinematography.

It just feels like there was a thing that you could have done within that in which you could have maybe looked at a newspaper or maybe like pulled your head out of your ass. I'm gonna say ass in terms of the subject. If you maybe say that you're one of the most educated creators in all of the subject of ufology and you were Steven Spielberg, you'd think he might have a different view on some stuff, or he might have learned something about how the world works. But it's fine, he's just in his own crystal castle.

He is in a giant property.

He's in a giant crystal castle in which he doesn't—

He's got a compound.

He doesn't grocery shop, he doesn't fucking go to concerts, he doesn't see humans. He probably gets, he probably just talks right to Robert Bigelow who's telling him fake things. It's a whole thing, we'll get to it, we'll save this.

Are you in too deep with aliens that you can no longer enjoy stuff? You know what it is?

Is—

That's not a slight. I'm just curious.

I wonder, I actually have been trying to parse out why I'm having such an intense reaction. And like, 'cause I really did. And a lot of people I feel like are talking like me where it's like, why can't I just like, it's a Spielberg popcorn movie. Like what is wrong with me? And I think that the reason why is because it speaks to he's writing a movie for a bunch of— he's writing movie for a world that doesn't exist.

Yeah.

It doesn't exist. We're literally in disclosure right now. It's like, it's happening. It's like happening.

But the footage sucks.

Yes. And it's also— the problem is, is that it's, it's, it's not a fantasy. It's not a fantasy. The United States government has already disclosed their stuff, guys. It happened.

You think that's everything?

No, it's not even about that. That's everything.

Do you think they have footage of an actual—

No. I think that if they had any of that, they would have destroyed it a long time ago. I don't think any of that would ever see the light of day. I think the best part of the Disclosure Day movie was his filming of the old lore parts.

I thought that was the best stuff. Yeah, I'm watching that, I'm like, "I just gotta love this." That's the movie I wanna see is that stuff versus this, like if you wanna see— You wanna see the incident, you don't wanna see— You wanna see Close Encounters of the Third Kind is what you wanna watch.

Basically, I would just say to you, go watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It's the same fucking movie, better.

I think they're re-releasing it this year.

Go see it because it is the same movie with the same message about the same stuff. And it is done by somebody who actually lived a life amongst human beings. And Steven Spielberg has just lost touch. And you just think for somebody that probably has access to more information than any one of us ever has ever had, I imagine he has access to people he could talk to anybody. And I feel like he still serves an extremely lukewarm, uh, cope fest.

Yeah.

That was not where we need the message to be right now.

Mm.

And that's the problem. It's just like, it's just a movie made by a guy that doesn't know— it seems like it's just made by a guy that has no idea what's happening for the last 15 years.

He wanted to make a fun action movie. He did.

That's what it seems like. And he could have made it about anything. Anything. And I feel like that's my problem, is I feel like he could have just made an alien movie without making it this movie.

He's made 5 alien movies so far, and I put this at number 4, so do with that what you will.

What is number—

number 5? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull is god-awful. Yeah, it should be shot out of a cannon.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah, number 1.

Yes, I love E.T.

with all of my heart. Close Encounters, E.T. I love Minority Report. I love War of the Worlds.

I love War of the Worlds.

Except for the Yes, War of the Worlds.

Probably would've been number one if that kid stayed dead.

Yep.

I would've put it number one.

That's the whole thing. Also, the man who created fucking dinosaurs can't make a fucking remotely tangible alien concept?

He didn't like the way it looked?

It's CGI.

Of course it's CGI.

What do you mean, of course it's CGI? I'm actually getting angry.

Yeah.

What do you mean, of course it's CGI? He's legitimately like, what in the living fuck are we doing here? Like, you're just—

He lost that sauce a long time ago. Yeah, I just like looked at that like, this is fucking garbage.

All of the CGI is fucking garbage.

It's so funny, cuz I looked at it, I saw the movie, I enjoyed it. I give it like a— but I also like, it's a B, you know, for me. It's not an A by any means, you know, like—

Oh no, if you strip all of this context away from it, I'd call it a solid B, B-.

Yeah, see, what I like about the movie is— are you ready for this? It's so basic. This is how low my bar has gone. It's not a fucking sequel. It's an original idea that's a summer movie I know, and I fucking thank— and I'm giving my money to it just for that reason.

I totally understand. I just wish our bar wasn't this low right now, for especially for our masters, especially for the OG masters. And the fact that—

They're old. They need to slowly start fading out.

He's doing better work than he's done in years. He's doing fucking incredible work.

Not The Irishman.

I love The Irishman, except for the digital shit in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, what did you think about Martin Scorsese in Mando and Grogu?

I thought he was hilarious.

Does he suck his own dick in that as well? Or is it just Grogu?

No, he actually blows Grogu.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he checks his ID. He checks his ID. I guess that's what I've been trying—

You wanna know why? Honestly, let me just make sure. You know what, honestly, Eddie, is that my heart's been broken and I find, you know what they say, the most hardened cynic was always the one that had his heart open the most. And I think it's because when I was a little boy and I thought it, when I was first engaging with the mystery of UFOs and the idea of a the idea of a government conspiracy and the idea of a coverup and all this other kind of stuff was filled with a wonder for me and was filled with this idea that life was more complicated than everybody was pitching it to me as it was versus the priests and shit. And I think that when I then watched this movie about what's really hap— like, I guess there's a part of me that's like, that's gone.

This would've been a much better movie if it came out 20 years ago.

Yes. When he wrote it, when he came up with the concept 30 years ago. I think that I am just one of those where I look at this my heart breaks because that world doesn't exist. Because the idea of everybody going like, "Oh my God, there's aliens!" When literally I just showed one of the preeminent drag queens in our country, literally the best footage that I have ever seen of a UFO. And we're all like, "All right." That's where we're at. Where we're at is we can't even get the United States, the people of the United States government to punish our president of the United States who is a convicted rapist and a pedophile.

Yeah.

And when we're at that level, I don't think that disclosure's fixing everything. Let's just say the aliens aren't gonna, the complications brought about it ain't gonna fix it. And if they're fucking biological in nature, they're gonna kill and eat us. And they're lying to you. They're lying. The aliens are lying to us. If they're real, they tell everybody something different. If you believe in the secret lore of the actual alien structure of the government and you believe what they're, it's like, let's just say you really believe in that conspiracy theory. If you actually look at it, the aliens are telling everybody they meet something different. So the aliens are lying!

Or no one can understand them. Yes!

Have you seen this picture that's been going around this week? Oh yeah, the face thing. It's not real. Talking to the Nordics.

I mean, fake. Yeah, it's an AI picture.

So even if the aliens are real, they're lying. We don't fit into their agenda. We have nothing to do with their agenda. If they have gotten here physically, it's because they're either running from something or they're running to something because they've ran out of resources. This is what's happening, guys. That's the reality. We're not— or we're a zoo, and then great. Yeah, what do we fucking do about that? Fucking nothing.

I just think they would have killed us by now.

No, it's because they— because we don't matter to them. We're ants. We're literally just whatever to them. They just kill ants all the time.

Yeah, but, but we also kill them. Got someone killing my ants right now.

But you know what I mean? Like, they don't— but just because it's like that, they— we We just don't figure into their plans. We're just not a part. They have bigger ideas than us and they couldn't fucking care.

Yeah.

Couldn't care fucking less. And then like, that's why I get angry is 'cause we are learning nothing from the phenomena. We're learning nothing. We don't understand that this is, it's just this whole thing. I think the real secret, the very real secret is what I've been saying all along is that they've got stuff and they've been trying to make stuff out of it and they have no idea what it is. And they've been maybe contacted by, if it's, again, if all of this is real, every single layer of it, they've been, they've talked to somebody who's told them something different. I think that they are paralyzed. Yeah. I think the FBI and the CIA and all these various fucking 3-letter institutions that are looking at all this shit are absolutely flabbergasted and don't know what to do. And they don't know why it doesn't pay attention to us and they don't know how to make it pay attention to us and they don't know anything fucking about it. So then they, they, now we are in a truly malicious administration that is using this and weaponizing it weaponizing it against just humans. So like, that's the problem.

What if we're their reality show?

I mean, I think—

What if they're like filming us for a documentary, kind of like how we make Planet Earth?

Or like that incredible show The Paper on NBC. No, I— yeah, yeah, it's very possible.

Jerry Corbell says, uh, he's seen everything and there is real disclosure coming.

From where? From who?

I don't know. We're going to talk to him eventually. Oh yeah.

So yeah, we'll find out.

But he, he did say that recently. And if you show Show somebody an alien.

They will not believe it. If you show— if you brought an alien, can you imagine an alien walking onto Bill Maher? That's what that movie is. Disclosure Day to me is, "Oh, I wonder if the alien will be able to handle himself on Bill Maher's show with his political hot takes." Yeah, we seem pretty sick. Yeah, good.

The, uh—

Aww.

I had a great time. Henry didn't. Use that information, but I will take this opportunity opportunity to plug Movie Stories, our new show that is on Sirius. It's a SiriusXM exclusive, but it's also the video footage from that same show is available on our Patreon.

It is.

So go check that out if you get a chance. I think that's a good idea.

It is.

And also I wanna say real quick, I went to go see The Death of Robin Hood last night at a sneak preview. A24 invited me and I went and had a great time. It's fucking brutal. If you like a brutal-ass fucking movie that's not the real story of Robin Hood, it's like their own story of Robin Hood. Okay. Go see this fucking movie when it comes comes out, it's fucking brutal. Lots of stabs. Fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

Just know we don't receive any money for these things.

No, no, no. This is just me having a good time being like, oh, I sat next to the director.

Yeah.

Yeah. During the movie, it was the crazy, he also directed Pig, which I fucking love. And the whole time I was just like, oh, I was so nervous to react or not to react or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But then I left before the Q&A. I didn't wanna—

Very stupid idea.

Yeah. I didn't wanna talk to him. But yeah, no, but I remember just being, oh yeah. Give him a couple of those just so he like, you know, felt good about himself.

He's like, yeah, good. That fat guy likes it. Great.

Yeah. That's all I need. I need him. I need him. I need 40,000 more fat men, 100,000 more fat men. So if you're fat and you like to watch people get stabbed in the neck, check out Death of Robin Hood.

Honestly, that is what I want to hear.

That's exactly what I like to hear. We have a great guest joining us.

I can't wait to go through these stories. This person, like honestly, I'm a huge fan of our guests. They are genuinely intellect, funny as fuck, evil as you want her to be. Put your ears on the headphones.

I think that's the idea. Yeah. You can clap at home if you want.

Give it up for Alaska Thunderfuck.

5,000.

Live from your grave. So before we get into our MMA update today, I want to ask you kind of first of all, before we even get into it, what are your supplements? Like, what are you on right now? And kind of like what we'd like, I'd love to know what your weight routine is. I thought you were going gonna say, what are your pronouns?

I was like, wow, thank you for asking. I literally thought my mind auto-completed that.

No, you're on a straight man podcast, okay? We talk about supplements.

What are pronouns?

Uh, oh my God, I saw a shirt. This is really inappropriate, I shouldn't say it. I'm gonna say it. No, there's a shirt was like, oh, you like pronouns? Well, let me she/them titties.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Thank you. And honestly, I really appreciate being seen in that way. We're done. We're done.

I'm going to go.

Okay. That was horrible.

You take it. Take it down. Take it down the pipe, Eddie.

Take it down the pipe. Yeah. Well, we're joined here by Alaska Thunderfuck 5000. You are an an alien, a drag queen alien from the planet Glamtron.

Disclosure.

Thank you.

Yeah, don't bring it up, I'm already angry. We're gonna talk about all about it.

But you got a new song out called "Revolution." It's your first release in 4 years.

Oh my God, yeah.

And it is, the whole album's coming out soon and it's produced by the amazing Ash Gordon, friend of the show.

Yes.

She, Ash did the song at the end of the Halloween album.

Yes, they work with us, Ash Gordon, and we work with Isaac Hanson and we created our song. Band, Mass for Trash.

Indeed. But Revolution is out now on all streaming platforms. If you wanna listen to it in this moment, press pause, go to wherever you listen to music, listen to Revolution, enjoy it, put it on your playlist for June and have a good time.

Pause. Thank you.

Done. Completed. Now we're back in. Back in. Honestly, it was really great. Thank you very much for being here.

So my supplements, you are asking me.

Yes, we could.

I work out reluctantly. Well, we all have to.

Yes.

I look.

I hate every second of it, but I do it. And then I drink, like, plant-based protein, and then I have been drinking a little bit of, like, creatine with it.

Same.

Mm-hmm.

It makes me feel bigger and stronger and wider. Yeah.

It's probably just placebo powder, but I feel so fierce doing it.

What was your reaction to the UFC fight? Did it meet your expectations? So that was on the White House lawn this weekend.

I don't— I didn't see it. I know nothing about it. You missed it? Who was that?

I believe it was Vladimir Blankastank versus Dustin Jimenez. I'm making up, I feel like that's the races that would be there.

Yeah. Okay.

And I feel like they fought each other and then the man came out and yelled about Michelle Obama. I saw that and that made me upset.

Oh, I heard about that. Yeah. Like, this is the equivalent of, "Fuck her right in the pussy." Remember that?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

On the news.

Yeah.

They'd be like, "What do you think about this issue?" "Fuck her right in the pussy." But my question is, why fight?

Why not hug? Why not kiss?

Yeah, thank you. No, I don't know what's going on with that. The movie Idiocracy has become a documentary.

We were talking about that, but President Camacho has a moral code.

Dude, President Camacho is a better president than Trump. He literally listens to his advisors. That whole movie's about—

He stopped using the Gatorade.

President Camacho learns and grows in the film.

No, here on the White House lawn, we had a mechanical bull.

Oh.

Yeah, that was—

The audience was fighting each other?

Audience fought each other many, many times. And the watch party for the UFC 250, or I guess, yeah, the America 250, Trump's birthday, so on and so forth, it was held on the exact same place where Trump held the rally that led to the insurrection on January 6th. January 6th.

Oh, it's poetic.

It is. Beautiful.

I read someone, one comment that I saw that was great, like, this event is going to be in the history books in a bad way. Like, this is it. They're going to show like, this is the depths. Hopefully this is the furthest down we go. But from a lot of the, I guess, reports that I read from it, one guy said, I haven't felt this good about politics in a decade because it's just so ineffectual. It's so weird. And— Did you see the bald eagle on a chain?

What?

Yeah.

He released a bald eagle on a chain so it could fly around the audience and not leave.

But not go away. He also gave away a gold coin with his face on it that's worth $12,000.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

But can we also ask him— That's a lot of money.

Why are his abs actions like we're all in the house of Ru, right? Why are his actions like a drag queen in many ways in terms of the way he can really press out some merch? And I think that—

Girl, she can.

And where's your coin?

He's— no, where's my coin?

Yeah, this is—

I feel like you guys— Funny you mentioned that. Available now on alaskathunderfuck.com. I'm just— but wait, I am selling something.

Oh, yeah, I'll take it.

It's because I am a drag Queen. This is what we do. This is the Alaska Thunderfuck blue fuzzy bucket hat.

Oh wow. Honestly, it's really cute. That's honestly great.

Wow. This is the equivalent of my Trump gold coin.

Yeah.

Thank you. This is my eagle on a chain.

Airplane pillow.

I know. Yeah, you could.

Can you please bring an eagle to a chain on one of your live shows?

I've been trying for years.

He meant it like, you know, We're in the house, ruin all that. One of my favorite Instagram guys right now is a dude who lip syncs Trump speeches as a gay man and says that he was born to be a gay. And he does all, has all the, you know, but what do you think about that? Like, 'cause Trump so many times, like, "This man is beautiful. He came out. Oh my God. I was so, he was gorgeous." Look at the muscles on this guy. I couldn't believe how, I just, I have to go. Now. Like, do you think that he channels that at all?

He's just deeply disturbed. Like, I don't know what's going on with the gentleman. I just don't. But he smells really bad, I think.

What's wrong with men?

This is a great question.

Yeah, I don't—

I, I think it's unfair to generalize about all men. Like, there's a lot of like, oh, men should die kind of narrative, and I do— I actually don't believe that. I think there are good men. They're just not that fucking loud because the bad ones are really, really loud. So like, there's a lot of good men, they're just like shutting the fuck up and like not being annoying.

Yeah, but that's the problem is, but they feel like on some point they got to go beat up the other big loud men. How do you make nice quiet men big— other nice quiet men into big loud men but for good reasons?

I don't want to.

Oh no.

I don't know. We just need like a specific virus that like takes out the, the wrong ones. You know what, is that insane?

No, no.

Is that like— I shouldn't say that.

No, it's what Planet of the Apes is all about.

It is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Ed just loves monkeys and he's just happy that all the men died and it's just monkeys left.

Well, that's their problem, they just turn into people.

So speaking of turning into people, I had a quick question before we go too far off of the— I, I I look at our president and I'm like, this has gotta take a long time to get ready. Like with the makeup and the hair.

Oh, girl.

What do you think? How long do you think it takes? What are they using? What do you notice? What's wrong? What's right?

I like to have 2 hours to like get into drag.

Yeah.

And he probably, I mean, it looks shoddily applied. Yeah, like you look incredible. And approximately applied. Thank you. It was in my contract that you had to say that. Yes. No, it's shot. It's approximately applied and it's not good. The hair system is quite in-depth though. So that probably takes the longest.

Plugs, you think?

Well, he's on finishtride. We know that now.

On what?

He's on like Propecia. He's on like generalized Propecia. So he's definitely taking something for it. And I know that they do pattern it, but I do know that it is losing its strength.

Strength. Does it— yeah, there's gotta be some fakeness in there because, yeah, it doesn't seem like he would have a lot going on.

It's all pushed around and it's meshed into a sort of a big pile on top.

Yeah.

And I've seen it in person once. I did a bit for David Letterman once, and he was there. And I watched him walk into a room, and he does smell like a garbage dump. And he is about— he is probably 5'11", and he goes through— I remember him going through green room snacks. I wasn't allowed to be in the room. I was put where the, the, um, the, all the garbage cans were. This is real. I was put in a hallway with a bunch of garbage cans so he could be alone in the room. And then I walked over and then they, they shooed me out even when I was in like alone in the room. 'Cause they said, this is room for Mr. Trump. And Mr. Trump went in there and all he did was stick his hands in all the food. Like literally like pawed around all the food with his hands and then just left.

Oh.

Yeah. That's our president. That's why I voted him for, for him 4 times, man.

4 times. Oh yeah, dude.

That's a bad— That's hard. Through my parents, through my parents.

Me. I have a little Mexican man that I threatened. There's so many ways to vote.

Is there a drag queen that is a nightmare in the green room like that?

Just touches all the stuff.

Alyssa Edwards.

No, just kidding. All right, I think it's time for us to get some important news.

All right.

All right. Now we heard, so you're an alien and we know that it's a part of your shtick, but we know that, right? We know. But you also are interested in the subject. Currently, we are in what you'd call the peak days of disclosure. It has already happened.

We have already—

the US government has already unleashed every single thing that they already have. And guess what it is, Alaska? You said it right before we started recording.

A dot.

It's lots of dots.

Moving dots.

Lots of moving dots. And it's lots of orbs. We love orbs here.

Could be eye floaters.

I get swimmies.

Total.

You getting swimmies?

Oh yeah, all the time.

Yeah, I don't know where that started. I think it's just—

They're fun to follow.

It's wisdom. But I'd love to show you one or just like, I wanna get your take on, this is actual new footage. This came out several days ago. This was released as a part of the third Gigantic release, which is part of why I don't get, I get angry about this new UFO stuff is because it's all leading towards fighting against undocumented human beings. Like, so they're being a really, they're doing a really cute thing where they're tying humans and aliens together.

Right.

But I'll say the guys that worked on my front yard, they don't have anything like this. So like, let's look at this. So this is a video that was seen like, now we don't know what this is. They believe that this was filmed somewhere around the times. You remember when we were dealing with all the Chinese balloons in 2022? 2023.

Yeah, the ones going to Alaska.

Yes.

So hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

So this thing is just like, there are a lot of people saying like, oh, this is not a balloon.

It looks like a balloon, but it—

But they just exploded it, right? So whatever it was, they blew it up. And then including other weird little orbs flying around. Now this is not a part of the thing. I guess this may or may not be the thing we shot over Lake Huron. That is kind of what they're saying right now, that this might be the object. Object that we shot and then we couldn't find the debris of.

Okay.

Because it exploded into a bunch of million different pieces.

Can I ask a stupid question? What's all the redacted stuff? Like, what is that?

Like—

I think it's like there is couple open penises. I'm pretty certain that's a line of first lady vaginas. They have those just so that, you know, you can't see.

That's a new seal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 'Cause Ellen Theodore Roosevelt squatted on a bunch of stuff. Like, do you, like, where is your sense of wonder at right now, Alaska?

In the toilet. That's a party balloon.

Next.

What is that, you guys?

Well, it's like, I don't know.

Seriously, we're not fucking with you.

Just close something good. There's gotta be something good. Good that's like, hello, I'm an alien. Remember Alien Autopsy?

Yes, that was awesome.

That, that, disclose that.

Listen, I want to see the show Presidential Autopsy. Yeah, next, I mean, that'll be next, next year. Uh, but this one, okay, so this one's better. Okay, this is my problem, Alaska. This is the exact problem, is the fact that we don't know what we're doing with— and they do look like several different things. That obvious obviously, in my mind, yeah, of course it's a fucking balloon.

Yeah.

But they're telling us it's not.

But the way it blew up, there was like chunks of stuff.

Yes.

You know, balloons don't have chunks of stuff.

That's true. The government is telling us straight up that's something we don't know what it is.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

The government has never lied. So that's the thing. I believe them completely.

I've always felt very at home with the government.

Yeah. Well, technically you'd have to.

Yes. I'm forced here. I can't not. So this one, to be honest, is one of the more interesting ones I've ever seen, just because it's the first time I'm act— you're actually gonna see the movement of a UFO that they talk about in these reports.

Okay.

So this is an object that was filming. It's like right above the ocean. We know that it's solid because it can get a lock on it and then it goes up, right? It ramps up. And then boom. So that's what's weird. This is a thing. This is an example of UFO flight that I have not seen on one of these videos, which they actually show the, in an instant it disappears.

Yeah. Like it noticed the, is this like taken from a fighter jet? I'm thinking.

Yes. It was being tracked out on the middle of the ocean because people see stuff out there all the time apparently.

Can you, okay. Okay, can you play it again? And can you put— hold on, wait for it. Can you put the Sonic the Hedgehog music on there 'cause it looks like doo-doo-dee-duh-dooh! Like, it's going along. It's like a really fun arcade game is what it looks like. Yeah, no, that's fierce. Great.

It is interesting.

Yeah.

How would you, like hardcore disclosure, like how do you think it would affect you? Like genuinely, do you think that you, it would change the way you view the world? Or you think you'd just keep doing what you were doing?

No, yeah, I think we would just keep doing what we were doing. And I think that they are just like, "Oh girl, we don't need to get near all that." You know?

Yeah.

Like sort of when, like we are, are a mess and they're like, just, you know, bless them, you know, bless their hearts.

Do you think that there's any one scene that could bring them all together? Like the idea of like getting out there, like what's a good downtown city for the aliens to all meet together in? Like what's got a good scene out there? What's got a fun nightlife?

What was the one in Independence Day where the people were like partying on the top of the roof?

I think I know where you're going.

Capitol Records building. That, yeah, I would like to go there and I would be part of that party. I think that would be fun.

Yes.

Yeah. And I don't think they're gonna just blow us up. I think they're like, they want us to get better. They're praying for us.

I mean, and prayers work.

Mm-hmm. Are you scared of it? So you're not scared of aliens?

No.

Neither am I. Henry's deathly afraid of them.

I personally believe if they are biological in nature, we should not be saying hi. And hello to them.

Really?

I think that if— I partially believe that the phenomena is half psychic and that largely we're looking at an interdimensional thing. We're looking at something that we can't entirely collect evidence on because it's not entirely a part of our reality.

Have you heard that they're us from the future? Have you heard that one?

That's my favorite one.

Yeah. Have you heard that Bigfoot is actually a time traveler from the future and the Bigfoot suit is the time travel suit?

Ah! Isn't that fun?

Is that your Bigfoot impression?

That's what I'm like though, yeah.

But also, I like the idea too, what if Bigfoot's ghost of a caveman?

Ah! Why would he be all hairy? Why would he be all tall?

What if he's just a ghost of a caveman? No, it's like, there's stuff like that, but then I do believe, like, it's not gonna change my day to day, but it will— It would be nice, like, to write on my taxes, like, "Fuck you, aliens," right?

How would you write that on your taxes?

Big letters. Big paper forms, giant, fill out all the, print out all the paperwork, write in, "Fuck you, aliens." Fuck you.

Yeah. I love that.

I wanna go to them. I'm gonna go straight to the source. I'm sick of the middleman.

If they, if it moved, okay, this vid, I'm still on this video. If it moves at the speed of light, then it would just go, it would just disappear because our vision is based on light. So like that just like sped up a little bit. So it's probably just sound.

Well, they believe it moves at the speed of gravity. And so the part of what they, if you believe the UFOs are a real machine, part of what they, way they think they could work is they create what's called in front of them a gravity well, which is essentially an absence of gravity in which then gravity, then they're pulled forward by this absence of gravity in front of them. So what they do is create this sort of, so they're moving at a, they're not like, that's what allows them to not be fucked by inertia on the inside. That's why they're not splattered against the walls.

They're being pulled instead of pushed. It's like Futurama.

It is.

The Futurama ship, they're like, "We actually don't go fast, we just move the whole universe around us so we stay still." You just literally just watched that episode a few days ago.

Yeah.

And the smell-o-scope, can we get that? Is that real? It's not, unfortunately. Unfortunately, no. No, it's not real.

No, we wouldn't like that though. I don't think we'd like a lot of the smells of the past.

I think we'd be pretty unhappy with that.

Smell what Pluto smells like.

I am curious.

Yeah, I don't know. Well, it smells like probably like blood. It's all made outta metal.

Like what Dodge City smelled like.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, we got some other stories. We're gonna move on because I do want you to also, I want your take on this.

Okay.

Guy Fieri. First of all, let's just, oh, just your first of all, like I say the words Guy Fieri Guy Fieri comes up to you, what's your first response?

Drag.

Yes! Great. Yeah. Perfect.

He puts the— I always think that he puts the sunglasses on the back of his head so people get confused when they try to punch him in the face.

I thought it was to discourage tiger attacks.

Why do you put Guy Fieri, like, specifically in the drag category?

He's just got that look, and there's queens who do him.

Really?

And it's very effective. I think he's been done on Snatch Game. He hasn't. He should be immediately.

Has he been done on Snatch Game? He should have been done on Snatch Game.

Yeah. He's an instantly recognizable look. And this is so necessary for television. So, I fucks with him.

Do you also believe, like, the idea of— I follow all the works of Aleister Crowley, Anton LaVey, all these types of people creating a silhouette and an image, and how much that makes you almost more powerful than just your voice. Yourself as a human.

Yeah, like a cartoon character.

Yeah. And then it sends you— is that a thing that you purposely think about when you put together your character, or does it just kind of naturally come about that way?

It has to come about naturally and organically, but then once it does, then you can like be like, okay, this is my— this is what I look like.

Yeah, because you change. Obviously I've followed your career and you've like really concreted yourself into this incredible form.

I know, I'm known for wearing long blonde hair with a big blonde thing on top, and here I am in dark brown hair that doesn't have a thing on top.

You contain multitudes.

My image has been dismantled before your very eyes.

No! Get the fuck!

No one can recognize me.

All right, well now this is, this guy, right?

So Guy Fieri, he's got a show, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

Yeah, we can, we can, a million times.

But the new theory going around the internet is he ain't eatin'. Is this true? Yeah, so it's like, there's lots, and then it seems silly.

But if the more you watch the show and the more you see clips of the show, you start to see he's not swallowing the food. And he might not even be biting the food.

But it's not like he's thin.

No.

You would expect if he wasn't eating the food, he'd be thin.

Does he chew?

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

We have some clips.

Now, yeah, yeah, do we have some clips? Can we show the clips? It is kind of wild to think that, like, I think that he might eat, he might eat something like giant eggs, like those characters from Super Mario 2. No, he hates eggs. It's more like giant, like—

Oh, crap. Swallows it.

You mean Big Bird?

Yeah, Big Bird, yeah.

It just swallows one egg a week like a snake?

Yeah. Does he dye his hair gray?

Look at this.

What's happening?

Look at this picture. You can spot who he is and you can't even see his whole face.

No, you're right.

You know exactly who he is.

It's just forehead and hair. It's like, that's no one else but Guy Fieri. Yeah, but there's a new YouTuber, Doc Spaghetti. He is on the case. He's been watching every episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and pointing out the exact moments.

He doesn't need to be a lawyer. He doesn't care what his father says. He watches Guy Fieri. All right, look at this.

Okay.

And he doesn't swallow.

Watch. Well, he's— he's enjoying it.

He's chewing, he's chewing, chewing. We don't know if there's anything in there. Cut, cut. All right, now watch the bite again. Watch the bite again. He doesn't actually bite. Now here— that— yeah, watch this. It's all— stay. He didn't bite.

He didn't bite. He was already bit. It was already fucking bit.

It was already bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He fucking did that fucking phantom bite.

It's a Yeah, there's nothing going on. He rubbed his face against the sandwich. He didn't put anything in his mouth.

He's eating its pussy. All right.

And actually, Alaska, you are actually uniquely qualified to comment on this because you've been on a lot of reality TV. You were on 2 seasons of Drag Race. And you know a lot of things have to be reshot. Moments have to be recreated. Do you think that they're just recreating a moment for a better angle?

This is— I do know about this, 'cause that's like lip-syncing, but it's lip-sync eating.

Yes, it is lip-sync eating.

This is very Golden Girls. She used to always do it. Blanche would always do this because you can't sit there and eat the thing 'cause you have to say a line. So she'd be like, "Oh, oh, aloha, girls." So it's lipstick eating.

Yeah.

It's so— And that's what she's doing. But, man, she never swallows.

I mean, look at this. So they also showed this thing too where he puts the— he does this move which I've seen him do where he fakes it, where he starts with it up by— he takes it up from the top, right? He's taking it with the chopsticks and then it comes to him just—

There's nothing in the chopsticks.

There's nothing in the chopsticks. And he just holds the chopsticks by his nose. What does he do? He got eaten. So here's the thing though.

I love it.

You're going to 5 diners a day. You gotta fake a couple, right? Yeah.

But then there's a part—

He can't eat all of it.

But at what point? He'd be dead if he ate all of it. But if you're fat, you're fat fuck royalty, right? You're Joey Chestnut. You're fat fuck royalty.

He eats everything.

As we know he does. But I'm just saying, like, if you're fat fuck royalty, to me, you need to be eating. Like, Jelly Roll is a race traitor to his people his fat fuck world.

That's why he's getting divorced.

Exactly. I think the— I honestly think he lost the weight and that's— and she fell out of love with him.

Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

She was like, I'm not living for the—

I don't want him. His name is Jelly Roll, not Mr. Sticks. Okay? Your job is to be a fat fuck. And so is Guy Fieri's job is to be a fat fuck.

Yeah. How are you gonna sell Donkey Sauce knowing that we know you don't eat.

Would you believe a word Guy Fieri said if you found out he owned an elliptical?

I think it's like in adult films. This is like—

You're saying they don't eat?

No. You know how they're like, I don't— this is like a gay thing. Like, I'm not gonna bottom. Like, I'm not. I'm just a top. And so then when they finally do, bottom. It's like a big event. And so this is like that. So like when he actually does eat, it's gonna be a major news day.

Oh my God.

He's saving it.

We should do it on a, he should do a livestream for charity.

Yes. I, Guy Fieri, am actually going to eat today.

And he just.

On the White House lawn.

Every time he eats, we pay enough money to get one immigration lawyer to release one person from being held in an ICE detainment center. Period. And I actually think that's a really good way to aim that.

Let's do it.

God. All right.

Wait, if nobody wants to bottom, then who's bottoming the whole time?

Well, there are plenty of us.

Okay.

Out there.

There is plenty. There is no, no, this is the thing. There's a top shortage. What does that mean? I love that you're asking this because in the gay community, in the gay community is well known that everyone is a bottom at all times. And the bottoms have a really hard time finding tops.

And so they find one and it's like, you know, "We struck gold!" And then do you then, is he then given to the community, to the bottom community?

Yes, he does his service. And then he realizes that he's a bottom. And then it's just another one. And then it's the circle of gay life. I'm glad I could share it with you.

Fun to be and more relaxing to be a bottom? Is it just more just like easygoing and just like one of those where is your life just funner that way and just more, you know, like—

They love that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've heard. They just can't get enough.

I saw it in a magazine. I saw it in several very long magazines. Um, all right, here we go, here we go. So this is actually a really good way— the good thing to end on. This actually—

yeah, cuz this guy would would be a great top, but he's dead.

I don't know if he would.

Dead tops are the best.

Okay, here we go. So this guy, this lucky dead human being, old British man from the '78 year— '78 year old— '78 years young, he's dead. He donated his body to science because they found out he had 3 penises. And he had 3 penis, he had a top penis, he had a main—

He had an outside penis.

Outside penises.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. But in his balls were 2 more penises.

2 tiny penises just hiding. Just hiding. And so—

Balls.

And we have no idea if he knew that he had 3 penises or if he lived his entire 70-year-old life— I know. Never knowing that he had 3 penises.

Well, they said they would've found out if they ever had to give him a catheter Sure. Because one of the peenises, the pee hole, the pee was connected, went through one penis and then into the outside penis and then out the front door.

I remember they called his urethra torturous.

Yeah.

It's just so—

Torturous urethra.

So outside penis, 3 inches, 3 inches long.

This is gonna seem really humiliating if they did this to him too. They measure all the penises.

Yeah, second penis, 1.49 inches. Inches long, and the third penis is 1.45 inches long. So you put them together, it's nice cock.

Yeah, altogether, that's one penis.

Is that a hard or soft measurement?

It's gonna be soft 'cause he's dead.

Whoa, rigor mortis. Hey, I would pull it.

Rigor mortis.

If I was him, I'd pull it as long as I could pull it.

Yeah. Measure from the taint.

When I'm dead and you're measuring my dead penis, please pull it.

Right? Nobody measures, I measure mine from the bottom of my pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I do.

I do a whole thing.

Presentation. It's a whole— I put together stats.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This is—

but like, what's the weirdest penis you've ever seen?

That's the order for this?

Yep. What's the weirdest penis you've ever seen?

Why not?

I'm trying to think.

Have you ever been to a place called Epstein Island?

Actually, I haven't been on it, but I was really near it, like, recently.

Oh, do you go on, like, the sister island? The one that's, like, the neighbor island?

St. John, St.

Thomas, the right thing.

St. Thomas. Yeah.

My mom was like, my friend has a place in St. Thomas, so I'm going, do you wanna go? And I was like, yeah. So I went with my mom and literally out the back patio, there it was. Actual Epstein-ass island was right there.

Like you could have rowboated to it.

Yes.

Jet ski is what they use.

Right. They've revamped it, they've tried to make, they took the gold thing, the, like, the blue and white thing, they've like painted it just, just like beige, and they took the gold like satanic pyramid off. Uh, and so they're like, maybe no one will know. Maybe no one will know. Is the— there is a— it was really scary.

The project of you jet skiing to Epstein Island from St. Thomas is almost— I have to push the— I have to pitch this to you and to a group of producers, we have got to do an island adventure. We've got to go.

I could be the first drag queen to ever go to Epstein Island.

I know.

And I won't eat.

I won't. Oh! But that's the problem now. Man walking around with 3 penises, and he can't tell anybody, and he doesn't know. And you know he's just some fucking weirdo. Man, you know, he's just some gross, weird old British man who's like, "Oh, tops and totties. Oh, oh, oh, oh no." You know, like—

He was kind enough to donate his body to science knowing that he had 3 cocks.

I mean, that's crazy. He donated 3 dicks. He didn't even know though. He probably literally never— I wouldn't know if I had 3 dicks in my balls.

No. Yeah. In my balls.

Just his balls hurt his whole life. Apparently he had lots of He had a hernia too in his butt.

It was his third dick getting hard. [LAUGHTER] That's what it is. It's his little tiny dick responding to everything on the inside. It's probably the one making all the bad decisions.

Right. Indoor dick, outdoor dick.

If I had an indoor dick, he would be, 'cause my outdoor dick is already filled with horrific thoughts and just horrible energy. And the little penis behind him, can you imagine the Stephen Miller? The penis is like the evil— The Dick Cheney of your main penis is in your other balls. Uh-huh.

God.

Yeah.

Give it a Vance. God. All right, so I gotta ask this question. We were talking about this on the last episode of Side Stories. I need your opinion as a fashion icon.

Okay.

Handlebar mustache. Where do you lie?

Love it.

You love it?

Fierce. Really?

Fashionable.

'Cause we were very against it. Dirty, very like, very like Pride, like '70s kind of, ugh.

This lady was telling us a story, 'cause what I said, I appreciate men that have handlebar mustaches, 'cause I've also had difficult man facial hair before. And I find it takes, from my perspective, it's a guy that has put a handlebar mustache in order to sort of like, be like, hey, 'Hey, hit me.' 'Hey, someone come punch me.' You know what I mean? Like, 'Oh, someone come— everybody gather around. Doesn't anybody want to hit me?' And I now realize, like, that's not true because I got a lot of messages from women that have said that specifically the handlebar mustache makes them feel safe. And then also one woman was saying that she was riding a man with a handlebar mustache, and she said that it was the only time she's ever been asked to grab the bars of the mustache—

The handlebars.

—and pull them while while she was fucking him. Which I've never— have you ever done that?

I can honestly say I've never done that.

Right?

No. See, okay, see, I never thought of it that way. Is that why it's called a handlebar?

I guess so.

I don't think it's supposed to be. I don't think your lip is that strong.

But does the handlebar mustache have different connotations in the gay and straight communities?

Absolutely.

So yeah, 'cause like a straight guy with a handlebar mustache.

That's like a whole different story.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, like I'm vintage. It's like very cute.

He's fun.

Yeah, you were talking about IPA salesman.

Yeah, it's different type of leather work.

Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about a guy and a lot of like, what do you know, they got those, the light bulbs with just sort of the copper wiring around them.

Yeah, Edison.

A gastropub.

Yes, very. Yes, very much so.

Yeah. A top with a handlebar, you know, Uh, mustache, useless.

Totally useless.

Useless. What are you doing with it up there?

I don't know. She said the main problem was, she said that where she started to kind of like get out of it was like the snap of it. She said that when she took it in the mouth, like the snap of the product in his little tips, that kind of bumped her out of the whole experience.

Oh man, I wonder if it gets really cold, if it could snap off.

Yeah. It can. Wow. That's how you get gum out of hair. Oh, cold? Yeah, you freeze it. Oh, no shit. Really? Or you freeze it and then you beat it with a hammer, or you put peanut butter on it.

Just thinking of a Simpsons episode.

Don't try getting it out with a bone. It only gets worse.

You're thinking of 22 Shorts Films About Springfield.

Yep. So wait, a handlebar— that's a handlebar mustache. I was thinking of this. Oh, the Fu Manchu. I was thinking of a totally different thing.

Yeah, you're thinking of a more masculine—

Fu Manchu is awesome. I'm saying Fu Manchu is awesome and fierce.

See, I was thinking of the wrong thing.

See, I was saying to replace the handlebar with the Fu Manchu.

If you have to put wax in— no, I don't, I don't care. No, I —don't want to die.

The horseshoe.

The horseshoe?

That's just people wanting— I understand Fu Manchu is not societally correct anymore.

Fu Woman Chu.

Thank you. It's more, you know.

It's like attached.

Yeah.

But like a handlebar has the like doopsie doopsie doops.

Yeah, and I had that. I did these mustaches connected to the sideburns for a while, but I was trying to be unfuckable.

Yeah, yeah, you were.

Like that was the thing. I was trying to— I didn't want the attention to women at the time because I thought the Imperial— I had the Imperial and I thought I thought that was really cool for a while and I didn't care what happened. But you know what's funny? That's how I ended up with my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, that was your Confederate reenactor face.

It's just because I'm a Queens boy and I just wanna feel what it's like to be a rebel. Never got to be.

Well, this was wonderful. Thank you so much, Alaska, for coming by. Thank you. Make sure you—

Toss the song, yeah.

Listen to Rebel. Revolution by Alaska Thunderfuck 5000. It's unbelievable. It's on Spotify, Apple Music. Add it to all your summer playlists. It's fucking awesome. It's all about serving cunt and starting a goddamn revolution, which is something we need to do.

Yeah, we do. Oh, and you got any shows coming up?

Yes, like 100, 'cause it's June and in June it is Christmas and I am Santa Claus. So I'm going everywhere.

That's October for us.

Yes, that's our October time. So what is your, like, is there a good place for people to see like, all your dates are?

My website, alaskathunderfuck.com, where you can also get this exciting hat. Please buy the hat. I'm gonna buy that hat.

Can I, as a pothead, I have to ask, what happened to Alaska Thunderfuck, the marijuana? It's gone.

It's still out there. You can find it.

Okay, good.

Sometimes people gift it to me and then my fiancée smokes it. It's great.

Okay, good.

It does exist.

All right, all right, 'cause we were in Alaska recently at a weed store and I was screaming about it and then they were like, it doesn't make it anymore. No one makes it anymore.

Damn. It does exist. And they make vapes of it too.

They've seen this. Well, thank you so much for coming by.

Seriously though.

A delight. Seriously, thank you.

This is fucking awesome.

Thank you.

Happy Pride, y'all. Rise from your grave. God, it feels good to like know somebody who knows something else about something else than what we know about.

I feel slightly cooler now. I admit I do feel cooler now than I did this morning.

I'm trying to figure out how to be more approachable to the alt scenes.

Yeah? Do you think today worked?

No.

It was nice having Marcus in here.

Honestly, it was really nice. And I mean, Marcus is—

We have two special guests as far as I'm concerned.

Marcus is a huge fan of Alaska and it was just great to have. I'm glad that they're super quick-witted I love like all, you know, I love it. I, 'cause you know what I feel like in drag, that's like the last bastion of like the triple threat.

Yeah.

You know, like old school real showbiz. Like look at Jinkx Monsoon. Jinkx Monsoon's winning like Tonys and shit. Like Jinkx Monsoon's Judy Garland right now.

I went and saw O'Mary with Jinkx. It was fucking incredible.

I know. It's like, that's amazing. It's like one of those things I love seeing. Like that was like, you gotta do a lot of shit.

It's mainstream now. It is very cool.

Yeah. I love it. I love it.

It's very awesome.

It's, it's full on mainstream now and I fucking love it. And I'm all for it.

About it and please keep dressing up and doing crazy shit. You know, keep it going forever.

We have to because it's a part of the human need to express themselves. And I just think that it is just beautiful. And I'll, oh, and I'll wanna remind everybody, there is not a single drag queen on the Epstein list.

Not even one.

Not even one.

Not even one.

No, it's just a bunch of guys with a lot of money makes you a pedophile.

Yeah. Hmm. Interesting.

I don't know why that is. Well, guess what folks? We're on the road. Yeah, we are. But we got London, Ontario coming up.

Fucking sold out.

Sold out.

Sold out.

Can't wait to be there and see you and go to the patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft and you can listen to all the episodes ad-free. You can also see Last Stream on the Left live every Tuesday, 5:00 PM PST.

Can you also check out our new Brighter Side YouTube channel, The Brighter Side LPN. That's youtube.com/brightersidelpn. /@thebrightersidelpn.

And go to LPN TV to watch our— the conclusion and the entire series of HGX2.

HGX2. Who will live? Who will die? Who will live in nothing forever? Is LD cool? Are they bad? We don't know.

We don't know.

Also go— we have, um, um, Nerd of Mouth has a new YouTube channel. It's, it's, uh, it's a Nerd of Mouth podcast, so it's you youtube.com/@nerdofmouthpodcast. If we are testing the limits of the YouTube camera, will it be able to handle Mike Lawrence, Jake Thong, and Holden McNeely's vision of them all at once?

Wait, that's the thing. That's what you nerds are gonna have to sit with.

Man, I'm so like, honestly, it's like, you're gonna watch that show. You're gonna be like, Ed and Henry are like attractive.

Fuck that, Ed. But that's why, man, we get you used to it. People will come on in, the water is fine. Go to LP on the Left for all your Instagram needs and go to, uh, yeah, go to lastpodcastleft.com, buy tickets to see us left.

Yeah, man. EddyToonz.com to see me do stand-up. Go check out my Instagram, of course, I'm EddyToonz on Instagram to see where I'm coming. I just put a brand new tour poster up, so check that out, see if I'm coming to a city near you, and, uh, go and, uh, comment, tell me, uh, where I should go after this. Seems like Nashville and Baltimore are very hungry for it. But yeah, well, I can't wait. I'm having a great time on the road, and then Henry's actually going to be joining me for my two LA shows that are on there. So, uh, oh yeah, come check us out. It's gonna be a fucking blast. Yeah, we're gonna have a good time.

All right, see you fuckers.

Yeah, hail Satan. Hail, uh, hmm, you know what, hail Alaska Thunderfuck 5000. What a goddamn delight. What a delight. I feel great.