Transcript of Giggling about wrinkles, wikifeet, and moose knuckles New

Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix your Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me.

What's up, my holding a grudge gigglers? My grudgy gigglers.

You know, and I just thought of one. We've never said grasshopper.

That's really good.

And that's like sweet.

You don't have to like I'll do the one I did. No, it took me forever to come up with the graduate one.

Different options. I mean, you do one every twice a week.

I know, I am running out. There's only so many G-words we've done. You've done the same one a lot, and you let me repeat, and you, you're like, oh, that's a good one. Um, so Women of STEM of the Week has gotten out of control. Yeah, everyone, they're now nominating themselves.

I'm like, I could have Googled that. So we can't actually put you as Women of STEM.

But shout out to— first of all, I didn't watch the Kentucky Derby.

Neither did anyone. Is that a thing?

I— people, I guess, watch.

They do.

And the first woman trainer won.

Yes, I saw that.

When I first heard that, I thought they meant like the woman riding the horse, the jockey. And then I started to think, why the fuck is every jockey 5'2", 110 pounds, and they're all men? Yeah, they should just be a bunch of Sabrina Carpenters, right? And the girls would crush it as jockeys, but there's not one jockey that's a woman. I feel like the girls are like, "Nah." Also, I feel like the girls don't want to like force horses to do things they don't want to do. Like, the men are—

they like to control, where girls are like, "If the horse wants to eat a dandelion, let him eat a dandelion." Do you know that they walk the horses out with their horse best friend so that they're not stressed walking to like the stable that they take off from?

Wait, that's me and you on Jimmy Fallon.

No, literally. I was like, I have a horse best friend. Wait, I literally go places with my horse best friend. Like, wait, speaking of Jimmy Fallon, I saw him this weekend.

Wait, tell me everything.

I went to the like F1 like pre-race at like the preliminary. I have no idea what it was. All I know is I wore a linen set, which a linen set is always a risk. Yeah, because like you sit you literally get in the Uber to go there and then you get out and you're like, I'm a wrinkled mess.

One thing people hate is wrinkles. One thing that'll get them worked up online is a wrinkle.

People have said some of the meanest things to me ever because my pants were wrinkled.

Also, is everyone out here just like ironing every second of the day?

The internet made me buy a steamer, because I can't be steaming all day long. Same with like things getting tailored. They're like, it doesn't, it doesn't fit. I'm like, is everyone running to the tailor the minute they buy coming from Zara? Like, give me a fucking break.

So you're in your gorgeous white linen set.

Anyway, my gorgeous white linen set. I'm two cocktails deep. I see Jimmy Fallon from across the way, and I'm like— my first instinct is always like, don't say anything. Yeah, you don't— you won't remember who I am, so like, I'm not gonna even put you in that awkward position, because that would—

I don't know if you could like survive that kind of interaction.

I'd melt, because I wouldn't— I— but I always jarred, being like, I don't know if you remember. And usually, like, someone will cut me off if they're like, don't be stupid, we'd like just talk.

Yeah.

So whatever, I see him and I go up to him and he's like, oh my God, like, what are you doing here? And I don't know why, I was just like, I'm all over. I don't know what I'm doing here.

He's smoking a cigarette, he's like, I've been around these streets.

I'm like, I have a slick back pony. And that's all I was in charge of for the day.

Um, it is funny how these random sporting events, like the celebs that come out.

Yeah, it was fun. But the one that my biggest takeaway from the weekend was, a girl on TikTok was like, it's my 28th birthday. That girl Maddie, you know, that blonde girl. We know that Maddie.

Oh yes, she was like, oh, it's my 28th birthday and whatever, which is crazy because in my head she's my age, but I mean, like, we're the same age, right? Like, she's not my age, I'm her age.

Exactly.

Yeah, she's not our age. She's not our age, we're her age. We're all 28.

I felt so compelled, I commented.

What'd you say?

I said 28 was my hands down my favorite year of my 20s by far. Doesn't even compare to another year. 28 is just such a good age because you're too far from 30 for people to be like, oh my God, you're almost 30, but you're also too far away from 25, so people respect you.

Wow.

They're like, oh, she's a woman.

You nailed it.

I feel like you start to be a woman, you get a different confidence, I feel like, at year 28.

Yeah.

And then it's all downhill from there.

But anyway, I was thinking about aging and how I'm like, aging sucks. Like, you get older, you lose, you lose strength, you lose how you look, whatever. You get happier. Every video I've seen of women in their 40s, 50s, 60s are just being like, guys, your 20s is the worst mental health of your life.

I mean, the amount of women that are hotter after having children. Yeah, I'm like, how do you do that?

Also, there's a hotness that comes with liking yourself. So that's some woo-woo shit. So Jimmy Fallon.

Oh yeah, we had like a quick convo and he was great. But anyway, so I'm talking, so whatever, this girl posts this video that she's 28 and I'm like, oh my God, I love 28. And then I'm sitting and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, when I turned 29 Something happened and I was like, I'm allergic to alcohol. Like, I could no longer drink from 29, 30, 31, 32. I'm now 33. In the past like 4 to 5 months, I've been experimenting. Like, can I drink? Mama's back. Oh, okay. Everyone should prepare for this summer because I had a cocktail and I was like, okay, I feel good, but usually I can take one cocktail. And then I was me try another one. So I have another cocktail and I'm like, guys, are we going out tonight?

Like, what kind of cocktail?

Actually, it was really annoying. It was— we were at like a Carbone-sponsored something, like, bro, I don't even know what it was. And so I asked for a Hugo Spritz and they were like, we only have Carbone Spritzes. And I'm like, guys, that's like when you say you don't know because you have all the ingredients back there. I hate when places—

you're like, can I have a Sprite? And they're like, we only have—

they're like, well, it is a Hugo Spritz but it has like grit. I'm like, Okay, also I have no idea what a Hugo Spritz is. It's like St. Germain, that's all I know.

You're like, I don't know either, but I want it.

I don't need to know, I'm not the one making it. I don't need to know what's in it. So I had 3 cocktails, yeah, and I went home and took a nap. It was the best ever.

You know what's crazy? I came here today to announce something as well. I'm hungover.

Who are we?

But this is the thing, I'm actually— you know when— oh my God, Whenever I would drink— you guys know I love sleep— whenever I drink in my 20s, I always wake up at 7 AM. It's like a weird thing.

I know people like you because normally I sleep till 10:30.

7 AM, I'm up and my body refuses. And then I feel like kind of a little anxiety. My body's just like, we— something weird happened last night and we're a little scared.

Yeah.

And then I wake up and then I like— right now I'm okay, but it's going to hit me in like 4 hours. I'm going to be like, I've been hit by a car.

Um, well, I was supposed to go out Saturday night, but I got home and I, I looked at Joe and I was like, you're not doing it two a day.

Order a pizza.

Like, I'm not redoing my glam. That's insane.

Oh my God. Well, the mental fortitude you have to have to like go out, perform, be hilarious and likable. Yeah. And no, I would make everyone's day chatting, come back home, and then do it again. Not in one day.

No. No, I feel like I've talked to so many girls that are like, oh, I don't drink either. And not because like of like a substance issue, but it's like, oh, my stomach hurts, or like I vomit or whatever. And I genuinely think it was my anxiety taking over so much. And I truly feel like my body's like— I needed this past year to get my like body re-regulated from the past like 3 years. And I think that's why I can drink again, because I'm like so much calmer.

And like, I love how you're like, guys, if you got mentally healthy, you can get drunk, you could binge alcohol, you could become an alcoholic again.

Well, you haven't even said anything about your hair, your bangs.

Oh yeah, you have bangs. Your hair is— is that real?

I've had bangs.

I know, but this is like fresh bang.

Oh yeah, I did maybe trim them like 2 weeks go. Yeah, actually they could even be trimmed.

Your hair is insanely long.

Well, I can do this better. This was my first time trying my— I have a new product, new product alert. Just like a random Hot Tools, but everyone has a crimper now. The thing to do now is crimp.

Wait, what? I thought we just got the, the other hot—

yeah, well, you have to have different versions, but also the crimp, not the like—

it has to be like a big crimp, not like a 3-prong. Okay, because I've done the other crimp.

You look like you're an '80s And I didn't do the appropriate steps prior, but once I get the hang of it, it's over for you bitches.

Why do I feel like everyone's trying so hard to look like they just woke out of bed, woke up out of bed with their hair? But I— that's— this is just how I woke up, actually. Yeah, actually, this is my hair. I got rained on at the bar last night.

Who— what is this podcast? No, like, rained on at the bar on a Sunday night? Whenever I went out on a Sunday night, my mom would be like, really, Paige?

But you know, Sunday, why I like the Gigglers is because there was a moment where I was gonna cancel, and I go, the Gigglers need this from me. They need the story.

Okay, well, before you tell the story, let me— let's actually preface the story. So Friday night, everyone has the most ambitions ever. We get a text message from Stassi Schroeder, group chat, hey, when can we hang out this weekend? We figure out that Sunday night is our night. That's when all three of us are free. Sunday morning comes, I wake up and I'm like, you thought, like, I can't, guys, I can't, I can't go out tonight to a dinner or something. So I'm on FaceTime with Hannah and I'm like, I'm gonna text in the group chat and say that I can't go. And in my head I'm like, if I can't go, my friend's not going. Like, she's also busy. I literally said in the group chat, don't hang out without me, I'm too tired, I can't come. Crickets, crickets. I then am laying in bed a couple hours later, I go to FaceTime Hannah, no answer, which never happens. I go, if this bitch went out and didn't even say, oh, by the way, me and Stassi are actually— I'm like, so you went out of the group chat, you texted on your guys' own, and was like, she's a loser, she's not coming, what's our plan?

Because maybe, maybe I would have rallied, thrown my hair up in a top knot of some sort.

How dare you right now turn this on me? Because you got out of it. And I was protecting you, not forcing you to come out with us.

And that's a different perspective.

There's two sides to every story.

I didn't look at it from that lens. Thank you.

You're like, you left me out. Like, you literally got out of it before me.

I mean, and we all know you could have texted like, I'm still going. I could have been like, have fun, bitch.

Like, it was raining. Yeah, I know, it was crazy.

You want to know what? That was my first thought waking up in the morning. I was like, it's gonna rain all night.

I didn't go out Saturday because I was fully prepared for this This was my social event of the weekend. And also I've been touring my whole life, so I'm like, I have a— I'm a rock star and I have an open weekend. And I felt— and Des was gone, and Butter and I can only talk so long, right? So I was like, you know what, fuck it, I'm gonna go out. And I don't know what people order at the bar nowadays. I got nervous. I almost ordered apple juice. Like, I was—

what did you order?

I said I got my classic vodka soda with a little pineapple on top. And I think everyone's going to laugh at me. And everyone goes, genius. So I'm feeling myself. I'm like, I'm back. She's back. But I'm such a slow drinker that my, like, ice melts all the time.

Well, because you're talking so much. Where— see, I'm a fast drinker because I'm like, I don't want to participate.

I'm talking, talking, talking, talking. Everyone else is getting other drinks. I'm behind. They think I'm not fun. I'm like, I'm coordinating a conversation. Yeah, I'm the host. Like, I'm the MC.

I'm the MC of the event.

I'm asking people questions, I'm tagging along, I'm getting people involved who weren't involved. Like, I am orchestrating.

Literally any time I've ever been in a group setting—

I'm the host of a reunion. I'm Andy Cohen.

You do get this weird, like, almost like, okay, I gotta work. I'm responsible. We were invited to a dinner. You don't have to make a speech. You don't have to make a speech. You're like, no, people are waiting for my speech.

Like, have I ever just like disappeared appear in the background of a group setting, never in my life, where that is your role.

Yeah, which is I think why I feel so comfortable with you, because I'm like, I've yet to find a man. I'm like, you go, you do it, you be in charge. Well, because one, I hate that, but with you I'm like, yes, she's in charge. I wonder what that is, that I can't let a man take control because I'm like, you're taking away my rights. Yeah, but when it's like your best friend, you're like You go, you do it. How many times have I been like, you go first? Every time.

Well, actually, you know, you tell me, I just know, I just know. Well, I don't read the comments, but someone commented on something being like, I don't understand how they're actually friends, they're so different. And I'm like, okay, first of all, like, a tale as old as time.

What? Watch any Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, 100%.

But like, we're different, but we're different in a way where like you still see us in the same friend group.

Hannah, we're really not, not different. I think we've made it a bit that like we're so different. Yeah, but like if you get in there and to our core, it's the same DNA.

And someone was like, they're both Italian, that's their whole thing. And I'm like, sorry for having a brand.

So sorry for having ancestors. When you want me to tell my great-grandma to go fuck this—

do you want me to say I'm something else? Sorry, I have an identity.

Speaking of being Italian, I watched Green Book over the weekend. Oh, I haven't watched it.

It won like an Oscar.

I haven't watched it since it came out.

Yeah. So good.

Literally one of the best movies of our time. Anyway, that was—

everyone watched Green Book.

It was new on Netflix.

I was like, no, I was thinking how two friends, we always— if they're like the same, they annoy each other. But like, you need your friend to be different from you. And like, to the point where like, we're in a marriage and like, I am the boyfriend. Like, I've fully taken on all the roles of the man one. And like, it really makes our relationship work. Like, I— like, I wake up in the morning and I literally treat you like my girlfriend. I'm like, is she comfortable? Is— does she like the routine right now? Is she okay? And like, that's why our relationship functions well, because like, we have a—

we have each other's backs.

Yes, we have each other's backs.

You know, so many times, like, me and Hannah will call each other and like, we'll gossip, and there's— you know, this is what I can ex— I can compare it to. You know, when you go out to dinner with a couple Yes. And maybe you and your significant other have had a little tiff a couple days prior, or even like the morning prior, or like you're like, I want this to change, or I want that to change. And then you go out to dinner with a couple and you are like, huh, I'm in a perfect relationship.

What was my point? Are you saying that we're good friends? Oh yeah, yeah, I go back to me. Let's go.

So I feel like every time we get on the phone together, you're like, oh, thank you. I'm like, oh my God, Hannah, there are other best friends out there that are just like, it's not it, it's not it. And one of them should get out, they should both get out. But I feel so secure with you after I'm around other girls because I'm like, you guys aren't real friends and you wouldn't know what it's like to be in a real friendship. It's the same like when you get home from dinner and you're like to your boyfriend or your husband or whatever, you're like, wait, we do love each other.

Also, the fact that we like never get photos taken of us unless it's like we had to be in an event that like contractually we had to get photos is good friends too. It's like, it's not performative. It's like, you know, those performative friends who are like, out having fun together again, out having fun together.

I'm like, well, we're also in our 30s now. Like, we wouldn't post that even Like, we— you change once you get in your 30s. You're like, I don't need to perform that I'm out having fun because I'm out having fun. Yeah, we're like, in your 20s you want, you want people— you're like, this is fun, right?

Is this fun?

This is fun.

I also think that we don't actually like people besides gigglers. So I was telling you, like, the reason social media is so annoying is because it's like waking up and then having to walk into a party and have people talking to you you don't want to talk to. That's what scrolling your phone feels like. That's why I follow cat accounts and Architect Digest.

It's so funny because like being in Miami, I'll— there's— same with New York City, but being in Miami, there's like some of the most beautiful girls you've ever seen in your life, and they're like walking down the street and like their tits are out and they're just like— they have like the cutest little dog. And anytime I'm like, like on a walk with Joe and I see like a hot girl In my head, I'm like, this girl's a giggler. Like, I can just tell. And so every time a girl will walk by and then like notice it's me, like, I feel like we have like a weird eye thing. And then I like kind of turn to him and I'm like, are all the gigglers just the hottest girl you've ever seen in your life?

Literally.

No, I met two the other day. I was like, guys, gorgeous, get on a runway, get out of here! What are you doing at the dog park?

And then I met some gigglers who were here for F1 and they were like, oh, we're like head of marketing for whatever and we're the bosses. And I was like, obviously. Yeah, obviously. Also, I just have to do a quick showing of my shoe. Moose Knuckle shoe. Steve Madden.

Take it off. Put it on the table.

It's too sticky under there. It's too— I feel like that would also— you're trying to lower my wikiFeet rating. I know exactly what you're doing. Okay. For people who don't know, Paige is like a 4.9 on wikiFeet.

4.7, I think.

No, it was 4.9. I checked recently and I'm 4.8. Um, and you are out here like, you're actually—

am I showing my feet that much?

You post your full grid post.

Is my—

oh yeah. And I was like, she's not even trying to hide it at this point that she's a— like, you would make actual money on shit only fans.

Billionaires. So I'm giving my feet for free. Okay, it would actually be unfair.

But I have to say, these Moose Knuckle shoes, first time I wore them, I didn't know that they actually go in between your toe and the other. I thought it was just esthetic. Oh, I feel violated right now. It feels like I'm wearing a thong.

It's giving— to me, it feels like toe socks. I've actually never even tried one on.

It's invasive for sure. Yeah, but then I kind of like it. I'm kind of like, is this fun? There's intrusiveness happening.

You won't wear a thong but I'll wear it.

But you'll literally put it in between your toes because it's ugly and it's not for men. That's why I'll do it. Thongs are for men. Are thongs for men? Are thongs pick me?

No, they're not.

Then why do you wear them?

Because I think they're more comfortable and I don't want them— my underwear to show in any pants. So I never have to think about my underwear showing in pants because I only have thongs.

You're slut. At what point did you start that?

Do you know Daphne Brand made— made granny panties.

As they should. Where are you? As they should. Wait, when did you first start wearing thongs?

I think high school.

Did Kim say anything? Was Kim like— like, did you go to Victoria's Secret?

Yeah. Here's the thing. Kim and I, like—

Love a thong.

We were working, okay? Like, we were putting outfits together on Monday for Friday Night Football games. Like, we had a bit— we were running a business. We knew which days we went to the mall. If you knew what a business was, yeah, maybe you had a business, you'd be passionate about it. So like, Kim and I were working. We never got into like the weeds of the wise— no, me and my mom in high school never got into the weeds of like a daughter fighting with their mom. Like, we just didn't do that because we were all business. Yeah, but she was like this 'Capri requires this song.' Yes, like, she told me what to do, I did it, and then— but then I gave back to her, like, 'I need X, Y, and Z. I need salmon on Tuesday nights.' Like, like, we had a very working relationship.

My mom was like, 'Hey, are you gonna start shaving above your knee?' And I was like, 'I didn't know that was a thing.' And she's like, 'Just— never mind.' And I was like, 'Okay, don't ever bring that.' I was shaving top, bottom in 5th grade. Yeah, no, my mom was like I think shaving should be a thing we should start if you want, but if you're uncomfortable with it, it's fine.

Well, if you want to really talk about like girly, every Saturday morning—

oh, I can't wait to tell you my Saturday morning go.

Every Saturday morning, my mom would run the bath and she would mix up some type of potion that she would put all over her face. And in our, like, the house I grew up in, like you could like step into the tub. So it was almost like there was like a bench outside the tub. And so I would lay on the bench and she would like shave, and she would essentially be actually getting ready for Saturday night. But she would be doing this like all Saturday. So like, to me, in my head, Saturdays were like, you were grooming, you groomed yours. And so that's why now Sundays I'm like, I try my products and I do my hair oil.

Saturday morning, my dad wakes me up. It's go time. He's written a chart.

Never saw my dad on a Saturday. Didn't even know he was allowed to be alive on a Saturday.

Woke me up sweating. So in his bedroom, he had a treadmill and weights. So he would— he— it was actually so cute. He'd draw this chart that showed all the weights and exercise I had to do with stretching in between, and when I finished it, I had to check. So he'd be working out and I'd be working out, and we'd be doing it. What age? Like 8. And then I would run on the treadmill and I'd listen, I'd blast the Space Jam soundtrack, and that was our Saturday morning.

You were an Olympian athlete.

Yes, it was crazy. And then sometimes, we lived right by Prospect Park, so sometimes he'd be like, we're doing laps in the park. And we'd run together around the park until I was like too tired. And if someone like passed us, he'd be like, we got to get them. And we'd be like racing random people.

Our own— Kim and I's only cardio, Crossgates Mall Saturday afternoon.

And then he would take me to tennis.

Our Saturdays couldn't have been more different.

Then we get home and then eat some pasta. That was pretty similar.

Yeah, that was definitely similar.

Yeah. But those Saturday mornings blasting Space Jam, just like imagining I was going to win the US Open. That's what I did.

Wow, you have ambition, babe.

You have a mission too, but it's for beauty.

That's true. And mine was vain.

Yours is so fun.

Mine is so fun.

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Actually, I meant to tell the gigglers, because I've never like been in warm weather for as long as I have been the past couple of months, do you use a, um, it's like really not going to be interesting at all, it's just like legit girl stuff. Yeah, yeah, this is like serious. Do you use a leave-in conditioner?

I have so many times bought it trying to be that person, but I never have convinced myself.

I can't not use a leave-in conditioner.

You use it in the shower?

No, when I get out I put it in.

And then you have to wash it out?

No, you leave it in.

Really?

Leave-in conditioner.

Do you spray it on?

No, I use the Crown Affair one and I really like it. I've tried a couple and this one is my favorite.

And you think it works?

I think it works. But like, okay, perfect example is like I didn't put it in last night because I was going to do a hair mask and then I fell asleep. And so I feel like my ends are a little like— and this is air dried. And then I did my crimp.

I have been getting some TikToks being like, I'll buy anything Paige Asorbo recommends. And like, I fear we've lost the plot. I fear girls are spending all their money on random shit that you're—

it's not random. It's fun stuff that I like that really works.

Yeah. And then 6 months later you're like, guys, I actually hate it, and it's a hairspray that I've been using on my pussy.

No, I— now you have me thinking. I think I'm gonna do a TikTok every week of like products that I've used that week that I like and I don't like.

Please, actually, please, that'll be so good. But also, that is our newsletter too, like the newsletter.

Oh, right. Yeah, but like you can't see me in the newsletter, and so like something that you wouldn't know—

you should. Well, because one thing about you is you will be trying everything.

I will be trying everything, and Every season I like to change my makeup bag. Like, okay, we use that blush now for the past 3 months, let's switch it up. Summer is coming, my makeup bag is different.

You're an actual influencer.

It's my hobby.

Yeah.

Some girl like giggler DM'd me something like— I forget, I forget what she even said, but basically calling me like ridiculous. And then she was like, but like in a nice way. And then she was like, and then I remembered, that's just your hobby, so like keep going.

Let her have joy. Yeah, let her like have fun on a Sunday evening.

But we're so opposite.

I don't believe in any product. I think it's made up. I think it's all marketing.

Except the other day I texted you and I said, I really think you should get microneedling, which I'm gonna do. And you were like, your skin looks really good actually. I really enjoy it. And you're really not even— you don't even see the benefits until you've done it like 2, 3 times.

That's how they get you.

That you go back.

You don't see the benefits unless you do it 800 times. The movie gets really good like 40 minutes in.

That's how I feel with laser hair removal. They're like, don't worry, it'll be gone in 20 years.

Laser hair removal saved my life. Because I had an ingrown hair problem.

Yeah, like your bikini line?

Since I was little, because I was running and sweating everywhere, I was getting these like horrible—

and I was exfoliating at 8.

See, I didn't know what exfoliating was. I also was using Nair, which I think that started COVID, actually.

Actually, Chernobyl.

I've heard Chernobyl is from Nair. My mom and I had a Nair phase where we'd be like, 'Nair time,' and the room would smell like Chernobyl.

This is so niche and so Italian. Did you ever bleach? No, never.

Like your butthole?

No, like, nope.

Which I still don't understand what's going on.

You know what, I do have a couple friends who have bleach your butthole hair or skin.

I thought it was bleach your butthole hair.

Definitely not. It's your skin. What?

Who even knows what color their butthole's skin is?

How do you even see it?

I've never once— and guys, I'm not trying to be pick me, but like, yeah, I hear men men talk a lot. Yeah, unfortunately I'm in circles where men are like— men talk in front of me like I'm a boy. Yeah, never once they've been like, she's really hot, but then like, you know, her asshole like wasn't bleached. Like, they don't—

I think about that sometimes when like I don't shave. I'm like, he's not— he doesn't give a fuck, he doesn't even know where he is. Please. I'm like, he's fine.

Hard telling people they need to bleach your butthole.

I think like a lot of people do it. In my 20s, I had like 2 friends that like did it consistently.

Oh, there's upkeep required?

I believe so, because I think it fades. What were we talking about before that we got to this?

How did we get here?

Oh, because you don't really have like dark hair.

You know, when I dyed my hair blonde that one time? Yeah, I could see a mustache. Because our hair is dark, it almost like all blends. But if you were blonde, you'd be like, oh, I have— nope.

Before laser hair removal, I used to bleach my arms and my, like, hair on my face, like, in high school.

I love that for you. Who did it?

Myself.

You are actually an artist.

No, Sally Hansen. I'd, like, mix it up every Friday night before I went to, like, the football game. I would be, like, bleaching, and my girlfriends in high school would always be like, oh my God, like, the hair around your forehead is always, like, lighter than your real hair. And I would just be like, genetics. But really it was because I was bleaching like any facial hair, but I was— I would never tell anyone that because no one was as Italian as I was. So I wouldn't say— they were like all blonde. I was friends with in high school, everyone was blonde hair, blue eyes, and had the biggest boobs in the world. And then it was me. You were like never—

literally Audrey Hepburn and a bunch of Marilyn Monroes.

Yes.

I don't know how you survived that. Stephanie, thank you for speaking up about that.

Thank you. Because my best friend Stephanie is like Irish and German and God knows what. She does not have single hair like on her body.

When my mom went to Cornell— shout out to my smart mom— she was like one of the few Italians.

Yeah, yeah. And it's like, sorry, I just like— my mom has dark hair.

Can I actually talk shit about my husband? I'm here. So as you guys know, yeah, Des got his knee surgery. So to get his knee surgery, they shaved his leg. Okay, one of his legs. So it's been like a week and a half, and he looked at me and he's like, look at my leg. And I'm like, what? And he's like, look at it. I'm like, what do you want to show me? No, his hair hadn't grown back.

Your kids are gonna be really lucky.

Um, well, let's hope that they take after him.

Yeah.

And I'm sitting there and I have a 5 o'clock shadow.

Yeah.

And I shaved earlier that morning. Yeah. And I'm like, it's just crazy.

My kids are like already hairy. That's how hairy I am. I'm already booking my daughter.

Come out as a hairball.

Just like, yeah.

And it's just like, he's gonna birth her and it's just hair. Wait, kids who come out with like full dark—

yeah, it's gonna be my child.

So cute.

My children's gonna come out with like full ringlets and like ask me where the leave-in conditioner is.

He's gonna have a mustache. Yeah. Um, did I talk about my dermaplane incident with the TSA agent?

You know, I think that one slips through the cracks. I'm not sure that we've heard that. Okay, so as you guys know, not to brag, I mean, that is a weapon. I'm flying. Yeah.

5 times a week sometimes. I have it down to a science. I know exactly what to do to make everything smooth. So it's always the end of the tour that shit starts to go awry. It's like the universe stops protecting me.

They're like, go home now.

They're like, let it go.

Your aura is— you're across the country, you're burnt. Yeah, you're—

what do they say? Cropped? No, you're chopped. So I'm in fucking— where the Where the fuck was I?

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

North Carolina, I think. And my luggage gets pulled to the VIP line. Yeah, pulled to the side.

Great way to be. They need to take a second look.

And immediately I'm— I actually get furious. Like, I get a little Karen in the head of like, I do this every week, why is this now? Yeah, like, what's different? And like, because they actually—

what could you have possibly found?

Yeah, yeah, like, oh, you guys have seen something? Anyway, So it's just like 35-year-old guy and he's just doing his job and he was like, do you have any liquids? And I'm like, no, I'm not fucking dumb.

I don't—

I fly every day. Like, I'm not— I mean, I didn't talk like that, but I was just like, no, I only have my Dunkin' Refreshers.

Yeah.

And he's— so he's like looking through everything and obviously my bag is a fucking mess, so they open it up and you get exposed and It's just bad. And I'm like, there's no way he's gonna shut this. Like, you know how hard it was? Yeah. And I'm just sitting there like, this is so fucking— and he can't find anything. So I'm like, this is on you guys.

Like, what did you—

you're the one who got me here. You're asking me what the problem is when you said there's a problem? You tell me what the problem is. So finally he's looking through my makeup bag, and I was like, whatever. And he pulls out my Dermaplane razor, and he's looking at it for like 3 minutes.

No, this could be an entire Show.

So, and I'm looking at him because I'm annoyed, so I'm not giving him anything. I'm nice. I'm just— he's just looking at it. And finally he looks at me, he goes, what is this? And I go, sometimes I got these little goat hairs on the bottom.

You said this?

I said, sometimes you get little hairs and it takes the hairs off my chin. And he looks at me and he's like, it's essentially a really thin razor. Yeah. So then he starts like trying to take it apart, and it's like a nice dermaplane. It's like a heavy one. Like, it's one of those things that I got like 3 years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It probably doesn't work anymore.

Do you ever dermaplane your eyebrows?

I'm scared. Yeah, I'm scared. I have like intrusive thoughts that I'd be like, what if I just—

yeah, because I feel like it would be so like— why don't people do that more? Because is it—

it's harder to control it, I think.

But is it essentially shaving? I don't know, whatever.

So he, he's looking at me, I'm looking at him, he like doesn't trust me or something.

Yeah.

So he goes, hold on one sec, gets his manager holding my weapon.

Yeah.

And he's basically up there, he's like, is this a gun? Like, he's, he's talking to the lady. It was a full 15 minutes of him talking to this woman, deciding. So he comes back and I go, look, sir, I've been flying with this weapon, um, for 6 months now and it's never been a problem. Why is it getting flagged now? And he's like, well, technically it is a razor and you're not allowed to have razors. And he, he takes it apart and you could pull— he goes, see, this is— I'm like, well, you just broke it. And he's like, okay, well, do you want it without the razor? And I go, no, you just— now it's just—

I want the plastic wand.

No, it's a plastic wand.

So I have enough microplastics in me, sir. I'm not like taking this now for the rest of my journey. You've stolen the good part.

So he's like, sorry, you can't have your full, um, sword. And I was just like, okay, you win.

It's crazy cuz I have a razor in my carry-on. All the time.

It never gets— yeah, I've never gotten it. So like, it was this huge deal. And then I was at the point where I was like, do I just for women argue that like this is important to have in our bags? And that like also—

and you know what, I do need a razor on me at all times because people are crazy. Also, speaking of not all men, I got into the Uber this morning and my Uber name says just P, just the letter P. And I get in the Uber and he was like, oh, what's P for? Like Patricia? And I was like, oh no, my name is Paige, but I put P because I don't want the person to know if I'm a girl or a boy, like before I get out there. And he— I did say get out there, I don't know why. Before I really get going. And he like started laughing and he was like, oh yeah, that's actually really smart. You never know. So then I'm in the back of the Uber and I'm like, you don't ever know. Do we know right now though? Like, are we both in—

like, you go, you know, you never know. But do I know?

Are we in agreement right now that we're not going to know? We're going to know that you're going to take me to the destination, I'm going to get out, and then you're going to leave. Like, we're not going to do this on a Monday morning at 8 AM. But I was like, wow, a grown man whose job is to drive people around was like really smart idea because you never know. That's scary. It's so scary that— yeah, the person, he's like, yeah, no, these people are fucking nuts and they'll take people.

He's like, you know how easily I could—

yeah, I thought you— yeah.

Do you remember when you'd get off at airports? Well, they're still there and people would just be like, hey, do you want a ride? Do you want to ride in a car? I don't know how it happened, but I was at a young age and I couldn't get a taxi and some guy was like 'Hey,' and he just like seemed nice. And it was like a white van. And I remember thinking like, this is the last time I'm ever gonna see my family. And I didn't have— my cell phone was dead. Or like one of the situations that I'm like, only I would find. Yeah, my cell phone was dead. I was in a white van. I don't know directions.

Should I just suffocate myself, or are you gonna do it? Do you want me to just— I'll start it. I mean, you literally gave it to them on a goddamn platter. He like slides the van door open.

I almost was like, this is boring, this is too I want a little bit of a fight or something. I was like, take this and I go.

He calls his mom, he's like, she wants to come with us. So I don't, I don't know what to do. Actually, Nikki Glaser in her special this past weekend was like talking about how American women aren't getting sex trafficked as much as like European women, which fine, whatever, they are hotter. But every single day I'm like, someone's trying to take me.

Did she say in the bathroom stalls? There's like a warning. In the women's stalls, it's always like, if you're being sex trafficked, where it's like in the men's stalls, it's like, do you want a cig? Yeah, do you want to blow job?

The weather is cloudy today.

Like, yeah, what does it say in their stalls? I don't know.

We both are getting our nails done today.

We are. What color are you doing?

I'm gonna do the same thing, but now I've roped myself into being your assistant when it comes to your toes, nails and toes. Now my guy texts me when I make an appointment, he goes, What about Hannah? I go, well, let me check.

You know what? That made my day because someone's looking out for me. Someone cares about me because other people didn't believe in me. They were like, I see her nail journey and I don't want to be a part of it.

I got you on a strict regimen and I actually like waited for you.

Like, I was like, this is the longest I've ever gone.

I got— I've gone like 6 weeks.

It's pretty crazy.

Disgusting.

Me and you both watched at least the beginning of the documentary.

Should I Marry a Murderer? Should I Marry a Murderer? I keep falling asleep. I thought it was AI. I thought she was AI because she's so expressive. Yeah, I actually had to go back and in the beginning and I was like, did they do a warning?

She should have her own podcast. She's really— yeah, um, charismatic.

There's also something about like a British documentary that I'm just like—

it's, it's Scottish. Oh, and the whole time they say, 'Melder, melder.' Did I marry a murderer? Yeah, murder.

I was on my phone for most of Scottish people.

It's an incredible accent. I can't— yeah, I think you were having trouble understanding possibly, but the— if you don't— okay, it's incredible. This is incredible documentary because it's literally about how long will you stay with a guy if he's 6'4". She brings it up multiple times. She's like, but he's 6'4" and he's 6'4" and he's 6'4" and she literally is like He took a— he can— I think I can— okay, fast forward if you don't hear what happened. But she meets this guy on Tinder, 6'4", and she sold.

Yep.

And he loves her. And then he's like, I have to tell you something. And it's funny when a guy says I have to tell you something, you, you like, your life flashes before your eyes. You're like, of all the horrible things, like, what could it be?

See, I usually know. I'm like, I've been waiting.

Yeah. Oh, you finally wanna—

I'm like, why don't you tell me?

You're kidding.

And when was that? Yeah, we already knew. The group chat knew.

Okay, so this guy's like drinking and driving with his twin who's also 6'4", which I think adds to the lore. Yeah, like maybe whatever, threesome, whatever. Okay, so he kills an old man and hits him with the car, which like, look—

oh, that's how he killed him?

You didn't watch documentary at all, babe. That was literally 2 minutes in. That was the whole entire premise. Did I marry a murderer? You didn't watch.

I couldn't understand them.

It was actually shown in a visual that he hit him with the car.

I was on TikTok. I was multitasking. Kitty was getting brushed. I was buying a crumper. At the same time that me and you are getting our nails done, Kitty will also be getting her nails done.

You got a groomer to come to your house?

Yes. Well, she goes into like a little van. She gets sex trafficked.

Oh, she's allowed to go into this? She goes into a little—

yes, she's an animal.

She's like, Mom, have you checked this guy's license?

She goes down in her Louis Vuitton case and she's like, um, I don't think so.

Would never.

Well, I want to get her like her nails trimmed, her paws trimmed.

Does she get a gloss?

Get her hair washed for like the summer.

Yeah.

So like every like 3 months, 10 weeks usually, I give her— I get her a little spa day. She loves it. Of course, Kitty loves getting brushed. It's her hobby.

And then when she walks back in the house, like, she's like like, stop looking.

Yeah, she knows.

So this guy hit an old man with his car, which, look, drunk driving is beyond fucked up. Yeah. And he knew that, like, he's in trouble.

So he kills him on accident.

Also, when you're drunk driving, assume you're gonna kill someone, right? But like, he drunk drove.

Drunk driving is really, really annoys me because I'm like, it's one thing I just like, I just never have like done. I've never been in the situation to drunk drive.

Well, I never drink and I never drive. Yeah, and growing up in the city, we had a lot less drunk driving incidents because, yeah, when none of us had licenses. So it's crazy how, like, in a suburb, how many kids get in trouble.

But anyway, and they can't drive to begin with.

Don't drink and drive and stop smoking cigarettes. It's not cool. I don't care if Addison Rae did it. Anyway, I'm everyone's mom today. So they hit the guy and they realize he's still fucking alive. But instead of calling an ambulance, they like change their clothes and they bury him alive. I don't know if he was alive, but he had died by that point. But in like the 40 minutes that he was dying, he could have been saved. So she's like, oh, this is layers of diabolical.

Yeah.

But then she's like, he is 6'4" and maybe strong. He makes mistakes. But she decides she's gonna tell the police.

He confesses this to her.

Yep.

She calls the police, and what do the police say?

She finds out from him where the body's located. Like, the police would have never found it. And she's drinking a Red Bull, and she drops the Red Bull right where the place is, so she marks it. Like, she's fucking full. She's also Woman of the Week, and she's doing that for the cops. For the cops. They're like farmers on like acres and acres, and he also like cuts up bodies and stuff. Like, oh, he's a hunter. Yes. Okay, which I thought this was gonna get way more interesting and be like, this, this is one of the many people he killed. He's not like a serial killer, which was kind of disappointing. But, um, the crazy thing is though, the cops don't protect her. Cardin, the cops—

and she calls the cops, she's like, hey, this guy killed him.

Yeah, they bring him in and they are like like, we think that you killed this guy, and he denies it. And then when he gets out, she doesn't know if the cops talk to him or not about her, and he calls her and he's like, where are you? And she's like, I cannot be with him, but she has to pretend that she's not like hanging out with the murderer that she just tried to get to prison. But he's 6'4", so she's like, come in, baby. And he looks at her and he's— he doesn't know. But then the cops go to check in on her because she was like I'm gonna like— I could get killed right now. They— and they know her name, so they go, Caroline. And then he— and he's like receptive. He goes, how did they know your name?

Oh my God, how— are these the dumbest cops in America?

Do not protect her at all. Like, that's mostly what you get from the documentary is how like this woman put her life online and like it really ruined her life. Yeah, but then during COVID she can't tell anyone her story because the cops told her she can't. So she's like losing her mind alone. He's out by the farm. I think something happened, but basically she's like, he's the only person I could like be myself with. So she moves back in with him.

Oh my God, that's insane. I've stayed for some crazy ass things, okay? And she— I am not one to talk, but he—

well, you know what? Oh, so this is what happens. He finds out she was the one who told And yeah, she obviously thinks that he's gonna kill her, and he comes up to her and he cries and he goes, I shouldn't have put you in that position, and like, I'm so sorry, and like, you did what you had to do. So then she's like, I'm in love with you again, because she's like, he's honest, he understands me, he sees me, and he's 6'4". So, and, and they're cute together. So then you're like, who am I rooting for? Ultimately, um, I'll let you guys watch the end, but they don't— come on, he gets like 12 years and he's still in jail.

12 years?

I know, it should have been more, but they weren't able to prove that the guy was alive when he first hit him.

So it's more like a hit and run.

Yeah. So she— but she's— she went— her life was ruined from it, just from meeting this tall guy on Tinder. So just like, watch out. In these streets.

Oh my God.

And don't drunk drive. He love bombed her, but like, he was so nice and stuff, and she probably just like was a different person out.

Like, they lie and change their personality.

You know what it gives? It gives that friend that like is horrible to other people, but they've never been mean to you. You still hang out with them.

Yeah.

You hear all these stories and people warn you, and you're like, but they're literally nice to me.

Yeah.

And then when they fucking do something crazy, you're like, why didn't I listen? But you're like, because they were being nice to me. Yeah, and that's— see the signs.

But also, when was this? What year was this? Like, during COVID I guess not that long ago.

Also— oh, also, I forgot to tell you, she's a doctor. Okay, she's not a dummy. She's a full doctor.

Okay.

And that's why the police also were like, she's not a vulnerable victim, she's smart. And it's like, just because she's smart, right, doesn't mean she's not vulnerable against— right, like, he's still 6'4 alcoholic, which, look, a 6'4 alcoholic, we've all dealt with.

If I had a goddamn nickel—

when an alcoholic has a crush on you, oh, he, he chases your ass.

Yeah, he can't see the voicemails you get. He thinks you have a twin, okay?

And her job—

one time I was dating this guy and he was an alcoholic, and he would like try and convince me that he wasn't an and one time we like went out or something.

The way to know if you're an alcoholic is if you have to try to explain someone why you're not an alcoholic. Continue.

He tried to tell me that someone roofied him. I was like, I was like, babe, it was you. He's like, no, I'm telling you, like, they got it out for me. I'm like, no one slipped something in your 8 drinks that you had that you made for yourself. But honestly, in the moment, I was I was like, oh my God, that's crazy, who?

I was low-key jealous. I'm like, why did my boyfriend get roofied and not me?

Because he's lying.

During college, roofie— like, I was really scared about everyone getting roofied.

Yeah, I got roofied twice in my adult life.

Oh my God.

And my most recent time, I was probably 26, I think, was the last time. It was like a Halloween party. I don't think someone intentionally tried to roofie me. I actually think—

which is a great situation.

Because I'm like, now I'm picturing the guy was probably like, I didn't want Paige to drink it, who the fuck cares about me? I think it was intended for someone else because I grabbed the wrong drink.

Your long fingers.

But also I kind of like did it to myself.

No, stop victim blaming.

No, I didn't. But when you get roofied, it hits like a meteor instantly. Like, I think I— and the only reason I knew is because it was my first drink.

So there's a nail polish out there that you can dip into drinks and it turns a different color if there's a roofie in it.

That's nice.

Yeah.

And those girls made that like cup hold— like they made like a— looks like a hair tie that you can like put over your drink.

Also, there's a new camera that these girls invented that's in your beret. No, not beret, it's a hair clip.

Obsessed.

In my beret? It's a hair clip. So if you wear a hair clip, it films so you can like get content, whatever, but also it can like protect you in a night out. That would be funny though. I mean, not funny, but if you wake up, you're like, what did I do last night? And then you just watch it with your friends. You're like, that was crazy.

See, in my head I'm like, you get your boyfriend this new gift and you're like, wear this out every night because you're Russia. Yeah, because I'm crazy. But it's fun sometimes.

It is.

It is.

I got the mango pineapple Dunkin' Refresher. It's so refreshing for a Monday after drinking the night before.

Oh my gosh, this is your first one. Refresher.

Mm-hmm.

I got a berry açaí refresher and it's just like my new personality recently. I think it is my favorite flavor.

You love that color purple.

Well, I think it's my aura.

Is that your aura?

No, it's pink.

But like, yeah, maybe it's— maybe it's changed.

This on a Monday? No.

Pink. You could be pink purple.

I'm pink.

I'll have to DM Mikayla and just be like, "Hated Paige's aura change. She's been acting kind of off lately.

She's crimping her hair.

Um, things are crazy." Also, do I look tan? Okay, never mind.

Not like particular—

like, I did actually— I'm sunburned.

Like, laid out?

I'm actually quite pink.

Yeah, no, you're not tan, but it'll turn in like 3 days when we come back to do Friday's episode.

It's your turn. Everyone look—

buckle up.

Oh, also, we're going to LA this week. Oh yeah, we're leaving Wednesday. Yes, for the Netflix Is a Joke. I have gotten a lot of messages being like, we can't wait for the Giggly Sweat Show. And I'm like, just letting you guys know, it is an interview show. Yeah, we're— for the first time ever, we're interviewing people live. Important people, very important. We've, we've written it out.

We hope Netflix was like, hey guys, what do you want to name your show? And we were like, hey, what show? They were like, when interview Kate Hudson, Mindy Kaling, and Brenda Song.

This isn't an interview show.

And Hannah goes, um, uh, how about just like Giggly Squad interviews important people? And they go, we love it. And I was like, Hollywood is a joke. Like, Hollywood is a literal joke.

They go, perfect, incredible.

They're like, wow, that's so artsy and so fun.

I also love that they're like, these girls never interview people, let's— this will be perfect. So I've been talking to Giggly Squad, I'm like, this isn't normal Giggly Squad. Like, we're not like throwing rocks at men, we have to like ask professional, important women questions.

Mindy Kaling is going to be there.

I mean, Mindy Kaling, Kate Hudson. Also, Brenda Song has been everywhere on my feed. She like really knows sports. Yeah. Have you seen her like yelling at everything? So it'll be iconic. I don't know what I'm wearing yet.

Me neither. I'm deciding today.

I know what I'm wearing, but us in L.A. is a different animal.

I know, but we're not staying that long, which probably good. Yeah, we could stay the weekend though. No, but we have cats.

We do have cats. We have a family. Um, we love you guys so much for giggling with us. Thank you, Dunkin', for sponsoring the episode, and we'll talk to you guys later.

Bye!