Transcript of The Last DVD Store

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi, James. Welcome to Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Hello. Oh, my God.

Hi, James. How are you?

I'm great, thanks. I'm going to be speechless for a little bit, but I'm amazed to meet you three.

Well, I think it's 80% me, and then there's 10% and 10%, but anyway. You three. Listen, the important thing is- The Chill Chops. Yes. But still. James, you're meeting Conan O'Brien and then some ancillary characters. I think that's how this story unfolds. It's very nice to see you, James, and Where are you right now in this crazy world that we live in? Where are you?

I'm away from it all down south, near Antarctica, from Ototahi, which is Christchurch, New Zealand.

Oh, Christchurch, New Zealand? Yeah. Okay. I've never been to New Zealand. Well, you should come. Well, maybe I would do that someday. Tell us a little bit about yourself, James. What do you do for a living?

Well, to pay the rent, I work at probably the last DVD higher place in the country, if not the world. So the name is Allison Video Land, even though there's no more videos. It's all DVDs.

It's called Allison Video Land, but you don't even sell videos. You sell DVDs.

No, we just read We still read them like we're plotbusters.

Next story to you, is there a shop that sells butter churns? Well, yes.

I mean, this is- It's alive and well in Christ Church.

Wait, so you work at a DVD rental shop, and a lot of customers come in still, even though so many things are streaming?

Well, yeah, I wouldn't say a lot, but we also have two cinemas, which definitely helps keep the place afloat. So we've got two small cinemas that people we'll come out to, and then they can rent a DVD on their way out if they want.

Oh, I see. So there's an attached cinema. When you say small cinema, are we talking dirty movies, like a little room with a couple of chairs? Why does your mind go there? I'm I was curious because I might want to go.

Probably because it's not that familiar with the internet, so still he used to search for those. Probably one of those blocks away. You're going to go all the way to New Zealand.

I want to go to one of those places where the little peep show. I want to see a peep show. I I never got to see one of those. They shut them down. Then it was all online. I want to see a peep show.

Well, yeah, we don't have that, but I guess I could see what I could arrange.

Well, James, that would make you a pimp. So no. James here, don't. Don't start offering to arrange something. That's a mistake. Okay. James, Christ Church, New Zealand.

Gateway to Ntatska.

Would you say to me just then?

Gateway to Ntatska. That's what we're known as.

You said it so quickly. It was hard to hear. You went, Gateway to Ntatska. I thought that was the suburb you lived in. Where do you live? Gateway to Antaqa. It's a very distinct accent, the New Zealand accent, isn't it?

Yes, I guess so. I mean, you can tell me I'm surrounded by it, so I don't really... It's like a fish in water. I can't hear it. I can hear your accent. I know you're like, Isn't it- Your sound's distinctive?

Isn't the way you talk weird? Well, I'm sorry. That's basically what you're saying. I think that I'm speaking normally and you're saying. I think anyone in New Zealand would agree with me. Now, tell me about this DVD.

We are very people-pleasing, so probably, yeah.

Oh, good. I like that. Tell me about the DVD rental shop. You said it's called Alice in Videoland.

Videoland, yeah. Okay. It started in the '80s, which is why it's Videoland. It was literally one of the first, and it's probably the only one left hanging on now. And we've just been in operation for longer than I've been alive. God bless you. Keeping it alive.

I love it. Keeping it alive.

Do you-We have all the James ones for you, Gauley.

Yes, he's a fan. I'll be right there in 27 hours.

Even the Peter Sully's Casino Royale with all Orson Welles and all of those. Oh, yeah. That crazy one.

Wow. I have a question. Do you run the store?

No, I'm just a duty manager. There's two owners, Kieran and Pete, and then there's about four or five staff, of which I am one. It's It's like a small operation.

Do you get along with your bosses?

I do. But Peter certainly has opinions about things. We have a wall of 500 greatest movies of all time, and he's continually messing with that and putting in things that he likes, maybe. What?

What does he take out and put in? Yeah. Give us an example. You don't quite agree with your boss Peter's taste in films. What are some of the films that he reveres that you're not so high on?

Well, if I was to name them, you probably wouldn't have even heard of them because they're so obscure and boring. So Ray and Liz is a British one I don't want to denigrate these filmmakers. It's just not my taste a lot of the time. There's another one, Jean Duhlman, which you might know because it tops the sight and sounds. That's just three hours of a French lady peeling potatoes.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I like the potato part. To me, that is pornography. Oh, my God. That's called Irish pornography, a woman peeling potatoes.

I could easily arrange that peep show for you.

That's the peep show I would go to. You put a nickel in, there's a woman there. Just peeling potatoes. I'm like... Well, I'm sorry. That's my excited face.

I thought that's the best scene of your face you've made, but apparently not.

I know. I have I always have another face coming. Peter likes really obscure films. He's your boss. You're probably, as a younger person, maybe like more contemporary films. Is that correct? What's he taken out of there? That's what I want to hear. What are the things he takes down off the wall?

The most recent... Well, I mean, it was a real effort to even get him to get Mad Max: Fury Road on there. He does not like that movie.

How can you not like Mad Max: Fury Road? It's an instant classic.

I know. It's just pure action. But there's no, I guess because it's pure action and there's nothing to ponder like someone peeling potatoes. Oh, God. Would he like thematic?

She was a dork. Would he like... What about some of the new...

You're going to get me fired, but oh, well.

That's okay. Please. I'm sure there's another DVD store right around the corner. Those things are a dime a dozen. You said that's okay. Don't worry about it. It's not my problem. I'm employed. Hi, I'm a sociopath. So, James, what about the John Wick movies? Would Peter be okay with those?

I'm not sure if he likes those. They're not in the 500s.

Everybody likes the John Wick movies. John Wick used a horse to kill his enemies. Remember that when he put a blanket over the horse's head and aimed the horse's ass at his enemies and then pulled and got it to kick? He used a horse as a weapon. It was fantastic.

That's the greatest-Oh, no, yes, you're right. I do remember that now. How could you forget it? Sorry.

Did you confuse it with the movie where Judy Garland used a horse to kill someone? Wow. Okay, so, Peter, I have major issues with Peter, I have to say.

It's this boss on boss beef.

Well, I just think Peter is maybe hurting what could be a very thriving DVD store with the name Video in the title. I think he's hurting it with his obscure taste, and I think he needs to appeal to the masses.

Do you even have Blu-ray or is it just DVD? We do, but New Zealand is like, we're still far. We never really properly made the transition over to Blu-ray, so it's mainly DVDs.

Do you have any videos at all?

We have some decorative ones just placed around.

You have decorative videos. I love it.

It's the only way they can be worth anything.

Okay, tell me about the customers that come into this store.

I hope none of my customers or my boss sees this. They will, but it's fine. They are older for sure.

Yes. You didn't need to tell me that. They've never heard of a computer.

No. To sign up people, we have to get their email, and the amount of them who are like, I don't have email. It's alarming. We do lose a few DVDs that way because we can just never find them and they disappear off the grid.

Well, my guess is they die.

There's a lot of that as well. Really?

Someone signs out a DVD for the movie Flubber, and then they don't bring it back and you go by their apartment and you see them carrying them. Their store is how they find out most people die. Yeah. Was this DVD returned? No. Oh, God help, help.

We'll track them down and one of their children.

Yeah. The police must use you regularly as a source. Who hasn't returned a DVD lately? Well, Mr. Robinson hasn't on 303 Primrose Lane. Well, he's dead.

Yeah, that's a lot It's pretty good.

Do you ever have a customer come in, an older customer, and while they're there, they find out that it's easy to stream most movies?

Yeah. Well, not while they're there, but old people tend to be blunt. So occasionally someone will come in and return one and say, I just found this online, so I didn't need to it. So see you. So that can definitely happen once their children usually introduce them or set them up with some Netflix account or something.

Right. That's a big seismic change. It's like someone coming to the stables in the first Model T and saying, I won't be coming here anymore. I've got this contraption. It just shows you that things are moving on. But I have faith that this store is going to thrive.

Yeah, it's like records, right? Physical media. Do you use them? Records made a comeback. Are you a physical media person? I do, yes. Absolutely. It's been like a film education for me because we've got all the old movies. There are a lot of old movies that you struggle to find on streaming that we have because we've been around for so long. Because the nature of streaming is a bit more diffuse now, we do actually get some people not bothering with streaming and just coming in and getting in because we've got all the movies. They can just come in and read the movies of us instead of streaming to five different services. There is that advantage if I was to make a plug.

Okay. That's the most anemic plug. You sounded like you were dying as you said it. It was your last breath. I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued by this store. Do you think I would be of much help at the DVD store?

Yeah, absolutely. Your sales skills are, I'm Sure.

Well, I think- You would be an attraction.

You'd be like a- Like a used car balloon. Yeah, out the front. No, I don't know. An attraction.

You're told to have lots of hair to flap around. Come see the freak and then maybe get a DVD. Is that what you're talking about? I'm a human being. I'm a man.

Well, if you have a better idea, I would be willing to take- Actually, I don't.

It could be come see the Konan, and then maybe get a DVD while you're there. I think I am a pretty good salesman. I'm a good talker. Okay. I think- And so you've got the gift of the gab. I've got the gift of the gab. What do you need? Do you need to sell? I mean, aren't they coming in having an idea of like, I'm going to rent a DVD today?

Yes, but we also the cinema people coming in. So you've got to try and convert them to DVD sales customers. Yes.

Do you sell DVD players?

We do rent out DVD players for those that don't have them anymore. How often do you rent out DVD players? You rent a lot of DVD players as well because you'd have to, wouldn't you? It's like, New Zealand is a very people-pleasing and they don't want to cause a fuss. So they were polite. When I'm showing them a DVD after they've seen a movie, they might be like, Oh, this looks really interesting, but I don't have a DVD player, unfortunately. It's like, Oh, it's okay. We've got one you can borrow right here.

But wait a minute. Then why the hell did they come into the store?

To see a movie. Do you show them first-run movies or they're like a curated art house thing? We tend to play more independent, art house, foreign movies. We played Furiosa, so we do. We'll play James Bond movies when they come out, so things with a bit of cinema Do you sell any snacks at the cinema? We do, yes. What do you have? We've got warm nuts, we've got ice cream, we've got popcorn.

Did you say warm nuts?

I did. What movie house is this? Yeah.

Warm nuts? No one has sold warm nuts at a movie theater since Dillinger was shot outside of one. Well, yeah. Would you like some warm nuts before you go into this cinemanogram?

We still have a little statue of the boys that used to go around with the cartss of lolleys and stuff. We have one of those in the shop as well. A statue, not an actual boy that still does that.

No, no, no. We can't afford that. You're not allowed. Also, not a good idea to have a lot of little boys around with lolleys. What the fuck? I just think it's a bad idea. I don't know. I could lead the trouble. That's all I'm going to say. Stop talking. What are your aspirations, if you have any, beyond the DVD store? Where do you see yourself in an ideal world in 10 years? And maybe it's the DVD store.

I don't know. Yeah, my aspirations are, I guess, follow in the footsteps of a Taikoaititi or Jane Campion and become a writer director myself.

That's very cool. You have good taste. Those are great artists.

Thank you. Well, they're Kiwis, so I've got to support the local. They're definitely like trailblazers if they see... I guess New Zealand is a little bit overrepresented in Hollywood now that we're very small, but we do have quite a few people that have seen them to break through, which is promising. So yeah, I've I'm just hoping to follow in their footsteps and make my own. I make my own short films and do a bit of theater and things like that as well. Have you made some short films? Yes, I have, and I'm in the middle of editing one right now.

Do they let you show them at the cinema there?

Yeah, they probably will. There's not a lot of... Yeah, I think they will. It'll be like, I'll probably have a private script.

So the answer up until now is no, but maybe in the future. You know, James, I am known worldwide, and I've done a little bit of acting. You are. And so if I could be of help, maybe we could make a short film with me, right? Absolutely. And that might put you on the map. I mean, I am much Much in demand in Hollywood. When I say much in demand, no offers yet. I live in Hollywood.

But I'd be willing to, if it was a very short film, I'd be willing to make a film with you, and I think it might be your ticket to the big time. Absolutely. I was, yeah, jump on that. I make them with my friend who's a cinematographer. He's got all the gear, and I do the writing and the directing and stuff. Yeah, absolutely. We would come up with a scenario.

Can you think of what role I could play? Just off the top of your head. Give it a shot.

Like the other Irishman. So maybe you're not the Martin Scorsese one, but maybe you got on the wrong boat and you ended up in New Zealand instead of New York.

Wait. So not the Martin Scorsese Irishman who's a Stone Cold killer. I got on the wrong boat?

Where did I go? You ended up in Christ Church.

I went to New Zealand when I was trying to go to New York.

New York, yeah. You're trying to make the best of your situation while you're here and see if anyone needs a hitman.

You start off just being real dumb. There's no takers. I'm an idiot who mistook the sign for New York and got on the boat to New Zealand. All those boats look the same, don't they? Then I'm offering my services as a hitman around Christ Church.

Is that the You just read the sign that started with new, and that'll do it.

I got as far as new. New. I don't need to read the rest. That must be in York. This is the script. You're writing it right now. This is great. This is fantastic. I love that. I'm very impatient. I have ADD. I didn't read. After I saw new, I assumed the rest was York, but it was Zealand.

After three, you thought you were spending three months on a boat, but it was actually six months, so you're probably a little bit antsy by the time you arrived.

I would notice that it just was going south and south and south. I was like, This is odd.

You're around Cape Horn through this Antarctica Seas.

That time I understood Antarctica.

Well, you guys say Antarctica, don't you?

All right, listen, don't you come after me? All right?

Well, I'm just saying, it's like you say herb instead of herb. There's an H in front of it.

He's not wrong. It's a soft G. Soft is wrong. Fuck you, too. Soft? No, no, no. It's fuck you. Thanks, so definitely. It's a soft F. Oh, my God. I've really liked talking- There's a lot of similarities between you and my boss.

No, sorry. Just carry on.

God, he's a real Peter, this guy. He is. Yeah, he is. A huge Peter, this guy. You're a big Peter. Hey, maybe I might like this Peter. Maybe sometimes there needs to be an alpha who's a little bit older and prefers women peeling potatoes to Mad Max: Furry Road. So I like this guy. Listen, I think we could do good work together. And so I hope one day we meet. I really do. James, you seem like a very nice fellow, and I would relish a chance to see one of the world's last DVD rental stores before it closes in 40 minutes, forever.

Well, maybe your picture idea will keep us going a little bit longer.

I'm telling you, people like it. Hey, you want a little peek-a-ro? Go to a public place to watch porn. They might be disappointed with it. Yes. People have lost... Now everyone watches it on their own, on their own devices at home. The whole idea of porn was to bring people together and see it in a big theater.

We still have some old customers who haven't... Because they don't know the internet, they do still... We do still have Debbie Does Dulles and things like that. Is that on the top 500?

So You have some customers that come and want to watch born in the theater.

They have a file, and I'm reaching them out. You really had to own your guilt and shame back in the day, I guess. You can just alone in your room, go on the internet.

Hey, as long as you're wearing a raincoat, who's the wiser?

Oh, golly.

Any hoots, James, what a terrible ending to an otherwise wonderful interview. I wish you well. Please give my best to the other Kiwis. I I salute New Zealand, and you are a very talented people, and I'm glad that... And you seem like a very good fellow, and I just... I wish you nothing but the best.

Nice. Is that Guinness or Coke?

This is a Coke. I don't think I'm allowed to say what it is because... Am I allowed to say? This is a Coke Zero. Oh, nice. No calories here.

No, but can I also say I've just a general thank you to you three, because obviously, with being a struggling artist and then the pandemic and everything times can be a little stressful. And your podcast has just been a continuous source of light-heartedness and relief. And you're a particular codon as much as I don't want to single out and- Then don't. Give you props. Thank you. Well, you've been the basis for... I've maybe been passing your jokes off. Well, not really. Everyone knows The Simpson, but basically since The Simpson, me and my friends have been saying your jokes to each other forever. Thank you. All my friends that I told were like, Monoreo.

Yeah, I'm glad I took you and your friends down a few notches. Yeah, so are we. But give them all my best. And one day, maybe we meet. That would be a lot of fun.

I would love that. Yeah, you're welcome anytime.

James, quick question. Behind you, I see two cats. It's been a little bit of a distraction because they were, I think, cleaning themselves aggressively. And each other. Yeah, and each other. Tell me about your cats.

Well, they're brother and sister. Their names are MJ and Taonga. I just probably shouldn't...

Their animals. I don't like that they're brother and sister now. This is getting real Game of Thrones. This is the porn.

How much for this DVD? Cat Incess Porn.

Now at Alice in Videoland. What are their names?

Mj and Taonga. Taonga is a Māori name. I inherited them from my neighbors who, when they moved out, these cats were always at mine. And so they just said, Do you want to keep them? And I said, okay.

Wonderful pet owners. Well, they had six cats. Why don't you just keep them? We could put them in the moving van, but it's like 15 feet that way. So we'll just leave these living creatures with you. Well, they seem like nice cats.

They're very nice. I'm very happy to have their company. Being a writer can be a lonely existence sometimes, so it's good to them around.

Do you ever talk to them and feel like they're talking back?

Yeah, I sing to them. Usually, I mean, it's a sign of how insecure I am, it's in the morning because I don't have a cat door, I have to put them out and then meowing at the door, and I'm trying to explain to them that I have to go to work to earn money so I can pay for their food, and they just look at me like, Fuck you. Why are you putting us outside?

That's not just them. That's all cats. Cats are just nerve endings with some fur. Okay, take it easy. They don't give a shit about anything. You're the horse guy. It's so true. Take it easy. Sorry. I'm spoken like a couple of dog-loving sociopaths. No, I've been around plenty of cats, and they just... There's no explaining anything to them. Not a good crowd. There's no humanity. They're sleeping now. It's nice. Maybe you'll sing to them tonight. What will you sing to them when it is time to sing to the Just show tunes and things like that.

I'm not a good singer, so I'm not going to sing.

Okay. Well, I'm going to wrap this up. But I wish you all the best. I really do. And I hope our paths cross soon.

That would be... This has already surpassed all my expectations, so that would just be... My head might explode. That would be amazing.

I want to be there when your head explodes. It's the nicest thing I've said to anybody. All right, James, you take care. Thanks, James. Bye-bye.

Thanks. Thanks, Sona and Matt as well. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsesion, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Liao. Incidentally, Music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to 'Conon O'Brien Needs a Fan' wherever fine podcasts are down.