Transcript of The Debut Episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”

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Hey, Conan here with some very exciting news, and I don't use that term lightly. Yes, I did. Anyway, I've been doing something on SiriusXM for a while called the Conan and Jordan show, and people have been enjoying it. So now we are bringing it to the Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast feed, and it's just what it sounds like. Every month. You can listen as Jordan Schlansky and I explore our very strange relationship, get to know each other deeper than ever before. It's as horrifying as it sounds. So we're going to play you one of those episodes right now, an episode of the Conan and Jordan show, and I hope you enjoy it. There are eight of them. You can listen to all eight episodes of the Conan and Jordan show whenever you want on the SiriusXM app. Just search Conan. But I wanted you to get started right now and hear one. If you enjoy whatever weird chemistry Jordan and I have, you can listen to that right now and then keep listening if you want, because we think we're gonna be dropping more into our podcast feed as time goes on. So without further ado, I bring you the Conan and Jordan show.

Eduardo, hit that music.

A Monday warrior mean, mean stride.

Today's Tom Sawyer mean, mean pride.

Okay, that's more than enough. We played that song Jordan, because that is one of your favorite bands of all time. Isn't it, Rush? It is, yeah.

Are we calling this the Conan and Jordan show? That's the official title, yeah. That's what you came up with?

I didn't come up with it.

I'm just saying it's descriptive. I mean, there's no doubt as to what the show is, but I just would have thought. This is news to me. I just would have thought that there would be a more clever title. But you can go with it, clearly, if that's what you've decided.

You don't need a clever title. People know our chemistry.

I don't disagree. I was just wondering what the thought process was.

I don't disagree means I agree.

Yes, it does.

So, I mean, one would argue that.

There'S a subtle distinction.

One would argue means you're arguing.

Right.

So I'm just gonna. I speak Jordan. So let me just say that you agree that it's a great name, the Conan and Jordan show. Of course, I have to get top billing because I am the star and you are the guy who works for me in a very nebulous way, doing God knows what and filling your pockets. But anyway, how did you enjoy your theme song?

That was a great song. I'm surprised that you have the music rights to use it. One of the many things that you don't acknowledge that I've done was deal with music rights.

Is that what you did on the show? I asked you for years, did. You did stuff with music rights.

I do realize that while it's a great song and it's great for this operation, I don't know what we're calling this radio show. It's limiting the distribution of said show. You're gonna want to distribute the show in certain ways, but you've got that wash theme song.

Wait a minute. Does this limit it in any way, mister Groose?

No, we're good.

We're good.

No, this is serious.

This is serious radio.

You have to leave your options open.

Oh, not with. Listen, Jordan. Not with this show, I don't. Okay, let me promise you, there's no way anyone's gonna say, how do I get this on vinyl? I must have a reproduction. They're not. They don't know. They're not gonna want this. It's gonna live on Sirius radio, where we're allowed to play any rush song you want. What are the other ones you like?

Oh, well, the rush has many different periods.

What's the one that I used to sort of try and sing?

Limelight.

That was.

How does it go? Yeah.

Living on a lighted stage approaches.

The living on a lighted stage. Was that kind of. Is that a Getty lead, you think?

That is not what I expected this show to be. You singing in a falsetto tone was.

Not how I. Getty. That was an accurate Getty, Lee.

It was not inaccurate. That means it was accurate in a roundabout way. I argue that there is once again.

On the light hit stage, isn't it? Isn't something like that. Right.

That's his general register.

Yeah. Yeah. How pleasing to the ear. Look for you rush fans out there. No offense, but, Jordan, I'm glad you're a big fan of theirs. And through my fame, you actually got to know the band a little bit, didn't you?

I did, yes, I did.

So maybe a thank you.

Yeah, thank you. I've been able to benefit in certain ways from your own celebrity, which I feel is deserved, because you have to remember that your celebrity is a product of the work of the many people that are here in this very room and beyond.

I don't see it that way. We have worked or do not see it that way.

While the finances don't necessarily reflect that, the truth of the matter is this is not a one man operation. This was a group effort.

Well, first of all, I'm not saying it was a one man operation. I'm just saying that once a millennia, a figure comes along, a Mozart, a Socrates and Socrates. What'd you say?

Socrates in the original ancient greek pronunciation.

What are you fucking talking about? No one knows how the ancient Greeks pronounce that.

I know how it's pronounced and now everyone listening knows how it's pronounced.

Socrates.

Socrates.

Wait a minute, how do you know how the ancient Greek spoke?

Ancient Greek influenced other languages. We can trace the lineage back by studying other ancient languages. Socrates Aristotele.

This is. No, I don't think you're right about any of this. First of all, congratulations on inventing a time machine. May I see it? Can I, can I get inside your time?

I understand there are people that study the past. You don't need to travel back.

But we don't know how they pronounce. We don't know how they pronounce Socrates.

You don't know how they pronounce Socrates? I know how they pronounce.

You don't know how they pronounce Socrates.

Is that how they pronounce Socrates?

That's not true. No one can possibly know how they pronounced it. There's no phonographic evidence who.

A photograph doesn't represent how something is pronounced. Anyway, I'm telling you, there are people.

That was a little trick to see if you were paying attention. I mean, when I say phono, I'm talking about the audio.

There are photo linguist. Comes from the latin lingua, which means the tongue, also italian.

Hey, can I tell you something?

Or in some.

I know where you're taking this. I know where you're taking this, which is oral sex. And I think it's disgusting and no one wants to hear you go on and on about tongues and linguists and, you know, going down and all that kind of. It's garbage. It's just garbage. That's not the way anyone should be pleasured. It's disgusting. It's not described in the Old Testament, and I won't have it. So.

Socrates.

Sorry, what was that? I played Google.

Google's pronunciation of Socrates.

Thank you, Eduardo.

When it said Socrates, that was an incorrect pronunciation.

Wait, you're arguing with Google now?

I'm not arguing with Google.

Google is.

I'm not arguing because I know my position. My position is it's Socrates. And that's as far as I'll go with it.

But can I ask you something?

Your interpretation does not change reality.

You don't have a PhD in shit.

Doctorate comes from the Latin docere, or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, docere, which means to teach, which, in fact, is what we're doing here. We are teaching.

You just say, shit?

No.

And you say it with great authority, and then we're all supposed to say, yeah, yeah, I guess so.

I didn't say anything.

But then I look into your past, and I realize you're some schmo. You're just some guy. You're just a guy. You're just a guy.

I don't disagree. Who knows how you say Docere and docere and Socrates and Aristotelis.

How do you say spaghetti?

Spaghetti. It means little strings. There's Spago, which means a string. There's spaghetto, which is a little string. And then there's the plural, spaghetti.

Can I just point out to people, this is our first episode, but to people listening to the Conan and Jordan show, when I'm not speaking and Jordan is, you should. If you don't have access to the audio, just know that I'm holding my head. I'm just. My head is down, and I'm holding it, and I'm sad. And I'm sad. And that's just something for you to know as you're driving along listening to this. Well, Jordan, I have to say, you and I, in the past have people watch these on YouTube all the time. And on our various sites, they watch the adventures we've had where you shoot off your mouth about your expertise on, say, where the karate kid sequel was shot. And then I prove you to be wrong. And you've been proven wrong about several things. Some of the things, maybe in Italy, you were incorrect about certain word usages.

Oh, is that true?

Yeah, you were. You actually lectured me about how no one. I wanted to have a red wine with my pizza. Remember that? And you said, no one has red wine with their pizza here. You're supposed to have a beer. And then I asked the waiter who served me in Naples, what do you have with your pizza? And he said, wine. And I saw a little part of you die.

Yeah, no one is a euphemism. I did not mean no human being in Italy would ever drink red wine with pizza. I just managed. Generally, in general, consumed.

Well, what a coincidence that the one guy who did happen to be a waiter at the pizza restaurant, he worked.

In the food industry. Of course, he may have different habits than the average diner.

He's an expert.

I'm not responsible for his preferences. I have observed that such fact. I'm not an expert on this particular waiter's eating preferences.

I'm chewing my mic cord right now.

Go on. What else was I incorrect about? You've got a list.

No, I don't have a list. Of what?

You're looking at a piece of paper, tapping it. You're looking down when you come up with a new subject. Go ahead. What's next on the list?

You are Nixon in 74. You are cornered. You know it's over. You're sweating and you're babbling on television. I resign today, effective immediately. Don't hate your enemies. When you hate them, they win.

I don't know this demographic, but I do know this. They are not familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon.

Okay, well, that's, I think, condescending, because I always assume that I'm not even.

Familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon. I'm a 50 year old man.

Oh, so you don't know about a president of the United States?

I know there was a president named.

Richard Nixon who lived pretty much in your lifetime. Yeah, okay, you don't know about. You don't know anything about that guy.

I know, but you know that Socrates's.

Name 2000, 3000 years ago, was the Socrates. And that's how people pronounce today.

That has relevance today. Go ahead, do some more impressions of historical figures from the middle of the century. What did Eisenhower say?

Today? December 7, 1941. A day that will live. An infamy. Who was that?

Truman.

That's Franklin Roosevelt, you son of a bitch. You know, unbelievable. So you know Socrates, but you don't know about who was president when Pearl harbor was attacked.

You have a particular interest in presidential history. Let's not pretend that your average listener shares that interest with you.

You're right. I should assume that they all share your interest, which is that, Socrates? All of us have been saying it wrong all these times.

I'm not going to stand by as you mispronounce the names of incredible haters from ancient history.

Jordan, how annoying was it for Socrates? He's probably walking around and people were like, hey, Socrates, I got a question. He was like, it's Socrates. Take it easy. Socrates. I said it. Socrates. Man, you are one uptight philosopher. Uh, how do you say Plato? Please say it.

Plato.

Oh, you fucking son of a bitch. So Goofy's dog is named Plato.

I'm not familiar with Goofy's dog. That's not my specialty. I have a cursory knowledge of Disney. I didn't know Goofy is a dog. I know he had another dog.

You know what's sick? A dog has a dog for a pet. Don't you think that's disgusting? I think it's one of the sickest things about Disney. What dog keeps another dog as a pet? That's wrong. And you know what? I think it's terrible. And I. You know who would agree with me? Socrates and Plato. They'd agree with me. Yeah. Pluto the dog.

They never figured out why Goofy was able to speak. Pluto wasn't.

It's Goffy. Oh, man. Torpedo amidships. The explosion could be seen for miles. I hit you right where the torpedoes are stored. Oh, my God. God, you're sinking to the briny deep right now. Your ship.

So the torpedo exploded the other torpedoes?

Yes.

Okay.

I fired a torpedo explosion. I fired a torpedo. And it managed to just hit where the munitions are stored. There were shells.

Torpedo. It wouldn't hit its own torpedo storage room. No. Enemy's torpedo storage room.

Please. We don't have time to gum up the first Conan and Jordan show. You should be.

What is the command structure of the show? Is this. We just speak equally. Are you in the command position?

What do you think?

I don't understand the layout. I was not given any information. I was called into this room. I didn't know the name of the show.

Can I say something?

Did I have any input?

In 25 years, you've never told me what the fuck it is you do at my show. And now you're complaining that I'm not giving you adequate information.

My responsibility. But what could have been my responsibility is to decide a name for the show that might have a bit of irony or cleverness to it. I mean, how long did it take you to come up with the Conan and Jordan show?

That name, Frank Smiley.

Did you even consider anything?

The producer of the show, Frank Smiley.

That was no other.

Yeah, that's it. It's just. Listen, it's the. It's the. It's fine. No, one needs it to be clever.

It's not. Fine. I was just curious, did you have an idea for. No, I don't. I am not having a. I don't have a problem with the name. I was just curious how much thought is put into this operation. I feel like this is a low value operation for the company. You've got 24 hours to fill on this satellite channel, this Sirius radio channel. What do we get, like a half hour? What is. What is the devote. What is the percentage of resources that's devoted to.

Jordan, let me explain something to you. If you were here and you have a microphone in front of you.

Yes.

This is low value. That is the dictionary definition of low audio value. How are you, by the way?

Are we going to make small talk now? I'm happy to make small talk. I'm fine.

I'm trying to. I'm trying to. We got into a bit of a quarrel, and that happens with us often. Would you agree?

I mean, it depends how you define coral. Let's call it a debate.

Okay. Why not just say yes?

Call it a conversation, for that matter.

Okay, but why not just.

I mean, you don't leave upset. You don't leave the experience upset. I'm guessing this is rewarding for you as a human interaction.

You've upset me in the past.

I'm two humans, and we run the range of human emotion as.

Are you sure you're human? Because a computer doesn't know it's a computer. Do you know what I mean?

That's not necessarily true. It's potentially true.

What I'm saying is everyone's afraid of AI, and they talk about, oh, my God, AI, AI. What are we going to do? And I've been telling everyone, I've been living with AI for 25 years, his name is Jordan Schlansky. Your intelligence, by the way, is artificial. You don't know about the things you're talking about. You really don't. And I know that you have some basic awareness, but you're always telling me what the latin root is of something. You're always telling me.

That's interesting. That's etymology.

But is it accurate? Do you read books to get this information? Do you go online? How do you get this information? Or do you just make it up?

The venue by which I educate myself, I don't find particularly interesting. Yeah, it's probably a combination of books. What you know as the Internet, human conversation. Audio. Audio material. Clearly, when learning about pronunciations, whether it's in the classical, restored Latin or ecclesiastical Latin, sometimes you want to hear the audio. A book's not going to really convey it.

So you've heard tapes where they say Socrates.

Yeah.

And Plato.

Yeah. I can't tell you that it was a tape, but it was an audio recording.

Could you cite one of those?

Luka Ranieri. He's a gentleman on YouTube.

I think it's Rainieri.

His name is italian in origin, so it would be Ranieri.

Yeah. But then he moved to Jersey, a.

Great YouTube channel where he talks about classical Latin versus ecclesiastical Latin. You might, if you're interested in these things.

Nope.

I may listen to former president Richard Nixon one day. Based on your impression, curiosity as to its accuracy, you might want to hear ancient pronunciations of historical figures. Do you know how to pronounce Caesar? I mean, don't you find it interesting we use the word caesar?

I'm going to guess. Yes. I'm going to guess that Caesar isn't the way we say it. I'm going to guess when I say, I'd like a Caesar salad. Or, hey, Caesar just got stabbed by Brutus. I'm sorry, Bratis. What would you say?

Brutus.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Yeah.

I'm gonna say that you. I'm gonna make up something that sounds. I'm gonna guess how you pronounce Caesar. It's gonna be off putting and not true. Let's see. Cesar.

A cesar is, in fact, the ecclesiastical pronunciation. Congratulations. You grew up in religious settings. And that was how no one ever said Cesar. I went how they would have pronounced it. But of course, the original classical Latin during his actual time was geyser.

All right, you're an idiot. I have to change the topic because I am getting upset and I don't want to. But you keep saying ecclesiastical. And no one says cesar instead of Cesar. Nobody.

In Italian, it's cesare. So I say, cesare, do you say.

I'll have a Cesar salad?

No, I don't order that dish. That's an american dish. And I don't. If I'm gonna get a salad, I take it the european way. I don't.

I hear you take it. I hear you take it the european way. You know why that's funny?

Is it a reference to anal sex?

Oh, my God. That's not what I meant.

I mean, what else could it be?

That's not what I meant at all. I said, I hear you take it the italian way, meaning when you're ordering italian food, you probably like it with an italian pronunciation. I don't know why you went to anal sex and why you always seem to.

I have no response. I understand that you don't know why, but that's. That's the.

That's the sentence I'm just writing down. Conan wins another one. Conan wins another one. It's going very well. We're gonna take a little break, and when we come back, Jordan and I will be taking some phone calls.

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Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co host, Jordan Schlansky. We're going to take some callers now, and these are people that have questions for you, Jordan.

Okay.

Okay. The first one is Danny. Danny, are you there? Hi.

Yes, I am.

Hey, Danny, you are here. This is Conan O'Brien. And you're. What part of Connecticut are you in, sir?

Actually, I just moved back to my hometown in Massachusetts, so I'm calling you tonight from Massachusetts.

Where in Massachusetts, sir?

It's a small town in western Massachusetts called Peter Sam.

Okay. I'm from Brookline, Mass.

And I'm a fan of Tanglewood in Lee Lennox area.

That's Jordan, by the way. Danny, I can see you really perked up when he mentioned Tanglewood. Yeah, he's off putting, Danny. I'm just telling you that I'm somewhat familiar with Sturbridge Worcester, and I'm somewhat.

Familiar with western mass.

Yeah, tanglewood, you said. Because that's where you can go and watch a guy wave a baton around the air.

The mass pike.

Anyway, Dan. Yeah. This guy likes to go hang out by the highway. He likes to watch the toll booth people. He likes to watch the easy pass do its thing. Hey, Danny, you had a question for Jordan. What's the question?

I do. My question is, Jordan, have you used cannabis?

No, I do not use cannabis. I find myself fulfilled by my own internal explorations. I don't need foreign objects or foreign stimulation in that respect. But that said, I have no judge, certainly no judgments against anyone that does use it. I do believe there are probably some benefits for me there, but I just have not explored it yet.

Well, Danny, stay on the line because I don't want to be alone with this guy. Danny, first of all, stay there. Jordan, do you think cannabis is the correct pronunciation?

Yeah.

Okay, so Danny says something and it's fine. If I said it, you'd be like, it's cannabis.

Well, if he said Socrates, it wouldn't be fine.

Danny, do you say Socrates or do you say Socrates?

I would say Socrates.

Thank you, sir. You're a good man. Yeah, that's. That's good. So now, Danny, why did you ask Jordan if he used cannabis? What was the origin of that question?

Well, I've been a big fan for a long time of both of you. I've watched a lot of your videos on YouTube and podcasts and everything. And, well, I've followed Jordan for a long time. And as somebody who got a lot of benefit out of. Out of using cannabis, I thought maybe that's what he needs.

Oh, this is interesting, Danny. Jordan, what do you think? Here's someone who has a good sense of who you are, who's saying, you might want to try some cannabis.

I don't know that I need anything. Nevertheless, maybe there is some benefit for me. I have not tried it yet as I have not tried many substances. I certainly don't need cannabis to generate free thought. I'm not a victim of limited thinking.

No, I am a deep thinker, okay? That's what deep thinkers say. They go around shouting, of course that's.

What they say, because they're self aware.

That's what Socrates said. You know, I'm a deep thinker over here, Danny. Oh, yeah. I think you can see the biggest question I get is, is Jordan real? And I always tell them, I swear to God he's real. He really is this guy. And sometimes I can sense that they don't believe me. Danny, do you believe now?

I do. I believe it. I was a little skeptical myself, but I see it.

I haven't seen him in quite a while. We bring him in, we start talking, everything. I mean, unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. You are real and the world needs to know Kong exists. Kong exists and will be displayed. Danny, thank you very much. I'm going to move on to the next caller, but it was nice talking.

Thank you, Danny.

All right, let's move on to our next caller now. Our next caller is Esther from Los Angeles. Esther, are you there?

Hi.

Sorry, that took a minute. I'm here.

Oh, hi, Esther. How are you?

Good, how are you?

I'm good. This is Conan O'Brien and this is the Conan and Jordan show. This is the first episode and maybe the last because I want to kill him right now. We've been in each other's throats for the better part of an hour. But, Esther, I understand that you had a question for Jordan. First, let me ask you. Where are you in Los Angeles?

I work in Santa Monica, but I live in Long Beach, Nippomo, California.

Beautiful. And what do you do?

I work at a private school here in Santa Monica.

Oh, very cool. Good for you. I love Santa Monica. It's gorgeous down there. Esther, I understand you have a question. Are you familiar with Jordan Schlansky?

I am.

Okay, my apologies. Esther, do you have a question for Jordan? He's right here, and he's an open book.

Okay, my question for you, Jordan. Thank you again for taking my call. Were you scared of anything as a child, and if so, are you still?

That's a great question. I love that question. Esther, were you scared of anything as a child, and if so, are you still?

I don't have any irrational fears that I can remember. I would be scared of things that any human being would be scared of. The force of gravity, sharp objects. But if I were to think about a recurring nightmare, there's always been the loss of teeth, although I've never lost an adult tooth and plane crashing. But I'm not afraid to be on a plane. I have nightmares about being on the ground and watching a plane crashed.

Um, wait, what's scary about that? Uh, you get to shoot it.

Certainly not a pleasant experience.

You get to shoot it with your phone and then sell it.

To see an empathy for human beings and to know that human life was, uh, inevitably lost in the procedure. Uh, I find that procedure. Yeah, the procedure of.

The procedure.

Who calls a plane crash a procedure?

I call it a procedure.

Okay.

The event, um, you'll make fun of, like the, uh, you know, the Zeppelin. Zeppelin tragedy from decades ago, but I understand that lives were lost.

What are you talking about?

The Hindenburg tragedy.

I don't make fun of that. I never have.

You do the radio broadcast?

Why not?

Why would that be funny? Yeah, that's my question. You do the radio, but play the tape. You do the radio of the guy in the forties because you got that voice.

It was actually the thirties.

Yeah, okay, so do.

It was late. Chris, New Jersey. I don't. I would not. I don't find that funny at all.

Are you denying that you've done the voice?

I totally deny it. I think it's terrible. It's terrible.

I'm telling.

Terrible tragedy.

You've done the. You've done the voice.

No, that. That zeppelin made in, I think, Hitler's Germany crashed. Terrible tragedy.

Yeah.

So I don't know what you're talking about. Let's get back to Esther's question. She asked you, were you afraid of anything as a kid? Just before you start talking, just close your eyes and think.

Take me back to your deep. Unless otherwise specified, I'm a deep thinker. Unless you hear otherwise, you can assume that anything I say, I've thought deeply about. Okay. I'm not someone that just blurts things out. Do you understand? My mind is a factory. My mind is working at breakneck speed. I did consider. I considered the question. I don't feel like I had any unusually prominent fears. But I told you, my nightmares. Which was the best answer I can come up?

Loss of teeth, I think, means something. Eduardo, maybe. Maybe look that up. Eduardo has access to what I refer to as the Internet. Earlier you said what you refer to as the Internet freak. Loss of teeth means something and Eduardo's not going to tell us.

It says it could mean from a.

Major life change to a lack of self esteem, from the fear of getting.

Older to money issues, from symbolizing rebirth.

To regretting something you've said.

So that's all that it could mean.

What rings to me is lack of self esteem. And I'm just going to say, and this is just a stab, but people that constantly assert their knowledge and say things like, I'm a deep thinker, over and over and over again. Maybe you're worried that they are missing something. Maybe they're worried on some level. It's called overcompensation.

It's all of them. And maybe I'm not.

Terrific. Esther? Yes, are you still there? I can't believe you're a very patient teacher. I have to say you're a saint for sitting through that. Do you think you got an adequate answer from Jordan? And don't be afraid to tell us the truth.

I don't know the word is adequate, but it's exactly what I expected, so I expect nothing less.

Right. Right. You went up to a broken pinball machine and had the experience you thought you were going to have. Well, Esther, thank you very much. And a quick note from me. Thank you for. I think what teachers do is so important and so amazing and you sound like a cool person. So thank you for all that you do.

Thank you.

All right. Take care, Esther. Thank you. Yeah. Jordan says thank you, too.

She heard.

Okay. All right, moving on. We have another caller. This gentleman is named Dan Gursky. He's from Fallbrook, Montana. Dan Gursky, are you on the line? I'm here with Jordan Schlansky.

Yeah, hi, guys. Hey. Hey, Conan.

Hey, it's just Conan, not Conan. Hey, Dan, how are you doing?

Well, thanks. Thanks.

Do you have a.

It's Gursky. G u, not g e r s. Yeah, I.

Not. Yeah, I got it. G e r s. K y g e r. Dan. Dan, do you understand that it's pronounced the same, so.

Yeah, I know, but the spelling is quite different. I know your producer was getting it wrong a lot, so I just wanted to clarify that.

Okay, Dan.

I've never said his name. I've never written it. I've never said it. Never even heard it.

Did he?

I don't know.

I don't think you were. No, I think you're, oh, a different producer. I think you were talking about a different producer. We established just now that Jordan probably feels inadequate and. And he dreams a lot about losing his teeth. And we realize that that means inadequacy. And that's why when they said that maybe a producer made a mistake, he thought we were talking about him. Even though no one said you.

Jordan, there are two of us here. One of us is a producer.

No, Frank Smiley is here. A producer.

That was my mistake. I apologize, mister Gursky.

Okay. Anyway, you're calling from Montana, and do you have a question for Jordan Schlansky?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not even sure this is the right outlet for my question. I mean. I mean, I never did. I'm a first time caller on the show and a first time listener. I haven't listened to it before.

So this is the first episode we've done of the show, the Conan and Jordan show. So we've never done one before. And quite frankly, I'm not sure we'll ever do another one. I'm seconds from bashing his face in with a mallet. Yeah, but do you have a question more and more? What's that?

Yeah, my question is, again, I don't know if this is the right outlet. I live in Fallbrook, Montana, about 123 miles outside of Missoula.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. Population of 20, I think. 29,000. Small town. But I have an opportunity to work in ramparts. Garage and towing. It's a. It's like one of the two garages we have in our town. You know, it's reputable. And they asked if I have any, you know, electric car. Or just newer car experience. And they're all computerized now. And, you know, I have. I have some knowledge, but mostly I, you know, I work with the older cars. I have ratchet wrenches and stuff. But, I mean, I don't even know. I guess my question is, how long can I fool them without my knowledge?

I mean, you're being asked. I see modern cars, of course, have very complex electronic systems. And you're an old school guy, Dan. You've got the socket wrenches, the ball peen hammers. You've got all the tools that people could use to work on cars in the fifties and sixties, maybe even into the seventies, but then it gets tricky. So the question.

Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know. I don't know if, like, is the air pressure and the tires the same with, like, a computerized vehicle, or do they fill themselves with it? I don't want to, like, start pumping air into a tire.

You want to take care of this?

Oh, like a 35 psi pounds per square inch. Tell you this?

Oh, thanks for saying that. Psi is pounds per square inch.

I don't assume that everyone knows these abbreviations. I think people overuse abbreviations and acronyms. Do you know what laser stands for? Do you know what Raider stands for?

Dan? Do you know what those things stand for?

I'm just trying to call to get a. Hang on a minute.

Okay, Dan, you're under the gun. I understand you've got a car you're working on.

I don't know about the psi stuff. You know, I'm not measuring inches and, you know, the weight of the oxygen and per square. Yeah, but I just kind of curious about, you know, is there. Is there something I can do in a garage?

Is there something that he can do in a garage with his limited knowledge, with his tools?

I don't want to be. I don't want to be, you know, jerking this guy around on this chain and not kind of know how to.

You don't say jerking this guy on his chain. You just say jerking his chain, Daniel.

Not. Not here in fallbrook.

Oh, no, no.

It's all different here.

Wait, in fallbrook, you say jerking a guy around on his chain.

That's one of the things we say around here. I bet it is, for sure.

You.

You never been to fallbrook.

I'll tell you that I have not. I've been to Missoula. I've been to Missoula. Missoula.

Missoula's another animal of a different kind, man. You're parking up the wrong dog there.

Well, Dan, I guess what you're asking, and Jordan is, if you're not familiar, I mean, maybe Jordan, do you think he should be working with.

Here's my answer for Dan. All right, listen. I respect tradesmen more than most people would realize. I think that some tradesmen are masters of their craft. I had a Mazda rx seven in the nineties, and it had a hole in the muffler I needed.

Look, Jason, I appreciate the knowledge that you say you have, but I just need an answer.

I mean, it's just, well, knowledge to give the answer, and there's a. There's a reasoning behind.

Second. I know.

Okay, Jordan, can I say something? Jordan B. He's calling in, and you are the host of a show, guys, and you're kind of yelling out your problems.

Iron out your problems. I can. I don't know if I really don't have time. Just yes or no. Can I use my Stanley Ratchet wrench? Can I fool somebody like that?

I don't know that you'd be fooling anybody by using a Stanley ratchet wrench. I'm going to assume that's an american imperial measure and not a metric measure. Nevertheless, you'll probably be working on both foreign and domestic cars. Yeah. I think you can get to work there with your ratchet wrench. And if there are electronics or modern computer technology to be learned, I think it'll be learned on the job. I would support this venture.

Would you write that down for me?

I did.

I've been recorded.

I've got the whole thing. Hey, Dan, let me ask you, did you feel like Jordan was kind of. I don't know what the terminology you'd use.

I'll tell you what I'd use. I tell you that I felt like he was impatient with me. Know it all. Yeah, and I know it all.

He said know it all, and he's impatient. The way he talked to you, he. First of all, he says I have great respect for tradesmen. And then he lectures you in a rude way, which I. Which I thought was insulting.

Totally down on that. Totally down on that.

Yeah. Why?

I mean, I could call in and, you know, I could call any. Any. Any podcast.

Well, there are not one of this quality. I mean, this is. This is. And this isn't a podcast we're on about. This is serious radio. So this is not some podcast. This is. You're talking to, you know, millions of people right now listening in cars, driving. And this is a big deal. So the people you're talking to right now, care about cars and respect your work, Daniel. Not like Jordan here, who I'm sorry, I think just talked down to you.

I didn't interpret the interaction that way at all. I only wanted to compliment him.

Well, I say, yes, I think you can probably fuck around with that wrench, walk around, say some bibble babble, and probably get them out the door and get your money, and then later on, if something goes wrong, say, well, looked okay when I saw it. You know what I mean?

See, I understand, you know, I understand Jason's sarcasm, but yours is just totally unappreciated.

What? I was not being. I was not being sarcastic.

Play it back. Play it back.

Is there a way to play that? No, the real time.

It's live.

Eduardo, did you think I was being, oh, this is a bit we talked about.

This guy's, like, in, like, Los Feliz right now. Who understand that? Who do you think is clearly a bit? Is this, like, Dana Carvey gonna walk in here right now with, like, it's.

Dana Carvey on that sound like Dana Carver to you?

The man is a master at impressions. I'm telling you. Comedy professional. This is clearly a bit.

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah. Okay, guys. Yeah. Dana Carvey's most famous impression is Dan Gursky.

You understand now that you work in radio, you're going to get callers that do bits. You're interesting. You're getting trolled. Do you not realize that you're coming from the world of television where you're incredibly protected? Now you're exposed. You're being trolled right now, and you're.

Answering this man sincerely with, no, I believe this man. I believe this man exists. Dan Gerst from fallback.

Is it s k I or sky?

Okay.

Is it polish?

Russian. Was the territory part of Russia of soviet socialist republics, or was it part of Poland? Where yours. Where's your family from? Gursky. This is clearly like you being so gullible.

This is a terrible show. This is the. We're supposed to welcome our listeners.

Gursky respects me, whatever his real name may be, he respects me because I'm talking to him now like an equal. He's looking at you, laughing at you. You're so gullible. You're answering earnestly about the tool set he should bring to work in Billings, Montana.

Do you feel respected when Jordan screamed at you?

Are you near interstate 80? Gursky in Montana. How far are you from 80? You're about 123 miles west of Missoula, did you say? Or was it east.

You gonna give me a chance to talk, or you're gonna just go babbling on with your mister know it all big words?

I'm asking you the questions, Gursky. Tell me the answer to the question.

First of all, call him. Dad.

I took. I made an effort to learn his last name. He clearly was important to him. Of course I'm gonna address him by his last name.

Well, that's.

No. Is it ski or sky? Because our producer probably got that wrong, too.

Listen to me, Bozo. You tell me how I spell my name.

Bozo. A term that they use in your area of Montana.

Excuse me, Dan. The Greeks call it bozo kablooie. Dan, welcome.

Welcome to radio. Welcome to radio. 25 long years in luxurious television, and now look at you here. You got Gursky on the line, trolling you. You're coming out. I'm all innocent. I'll answer your question, Dan. I'll answer your sincere question. Welcome to radio, friend.

Well, I.

You know what that sound is?

Go ahead, Gursky. What do you got?

Do you know what that sound is you're hearing?

I heard the question. What's the answer?

The answer is, how do you spell my name? How do you spell my name?

Are we still. Are we still treating this like a sincere question? What's. What's the bit here, guys?

I. Answer. Answered the man's question.

Uh, I'm going to.

I want to make sure you listen to the question and you're not just running around in circles with your fancy two bit words.

You sound like. I'm gonna say. You sound like a. What we would call a gentile. So I'm gonna say you're ski. And I'm gonna say that your gu.

Are.

Because you just sound like a you kind of guy. Not an accountant.

Yeah.

Conan. Yeah, this dude canceled right away.

I know.

Right away, you.

You're calling. You're yelling at him, hey, Gursky. Hey, Gursky. What are you, a gentile? I mean, that's no way to do the inaugural episode.

Guys, I'm going to ask you the question one more time.

Yes, sir?

Can I get away with using my Stanley Ratchet set?

Yes.

I told you, garage and towing. That's all I wanted to know. I didn't want to have this little bratty girl fight around you guys and just.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, Dan, I think it's time for people to know, and I hope you're okay with this, that this is not Dan.

What?

Dan. You know, Dan, you're a real prick sometimes. You know that about yourself, don't you?

You talking to me or the last caller?

I don't even know anymore. Dan, you've. Dan Gursky's. Actually. He's a. Yeah.

What's the reveal?

The reveal.

Meet Dan Kirsky. What are you talking about? Not I. Why?

Speaker one, Dan Gursky happens to be a good friend and one of the funniest people I know. Kevin Nealon.

Okay.

Okay. Kevin.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, Dan. I was just doing a little bit here.

When do you guys stop with this foolishness? I'm embarrassed, Conan, to even say, this is Kevin Nealon. I never get this. I'll never get this time back in my life.

How are you, Kevin? You doing okay?

I was.

Well, thank you for calling in. When are you and I going to go out? You know that place you love to go where I always buy you the hash browns? When are we going to do that again? Hello? Hello? Anyone there?

If I ever get off of this call, maybe we could do that.

All right. Okay. Sorry. It's a busy man. All right, well, Jordan, can you say goodbye to Kevin Nealon?

Goodbye, Kevin. Thanks for joining us.

There's a little red thing down here that says leave. And then there's another one that says, never come back again. You know which one I'm going to hit? You know which one I'm going to hit?

I have a feeling I know which one you're going to hit.

That's right.

I love you, Kevin. Look me in the eye. All right. Bye bye. That was a fun little excursion.

Well, you guys pulled out all the stops. I am honored you recruited a celebrity. I'm flattered.

He's one of my favorite funny people of all time. And hilarious.

I agree. I'll say sincerely about Kevin Nealon. He's a guy. He's a dry guy, which is exactly the type of humor that I love.

Yes. He's very good. He's sharp. He's funny. You know what? I'm going to end this episode here because I'm going to say something. You and I, we fought nonstop. We bickered, we disagreed. We shouted each other. I was angry at you. I think at times, to be honest, you were kind of irritated and angry with me. But then at the end, we agreed that Kevin Nieland has a. Really is one of the great dry wits of all time. And I think it's nice to end on a point of agreement. So. Wasn't this nice?

Yes.

Jeez. What do you think? Should we. I think we should wrap up the first ever Conan and Jordan show. This was a lot of fun. The music. Hit the music if you have to.

Same closing theme as opening. Or did you go with something else?

Let's hear what's.

In this 16th notes on the hi hat. Just with one hand. Right hand. And then you got some hi hat chokes right there. And another one here.

Right there. Hear them?

If you're doing it well, I'm enhancing.

No, no. Let me just hear it without you.

Going, I'm telling you, deconstructing.

I don't hear them. Show me where they are now you.

Want me to do it again? Forget about the hi hat jokes. Just listen to the.

I'm not listening to the joke is.

Like a powerful, unapologetic song.

Well, I think there should be some apologies, but that's.

This is recorded at Les Studio outside in Quebec, Canada. Outside of Montreal. This is in the wilderness.

That's great.

All right, well, 1981. Okay, track one of seven.

Okay, yeah. Goodbye, everybody. I'm gonna go outside and start running.

Much like Rush went outside at Lace studio to record the opening of witch Hunt.

All right, I'm out. Bye. This was the Conan and Jordan show over. Now.