Transcript of The 2 Dumbest Comedians Alive

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. You use those?

I tried the one. Tom and I did a long time ago. Tom and I did an episode where we went to a sex store and we got a bunch of sex toys, and we tried them out. I'll tell you, there's one. It's called the Manwand.

Don't look at me. I know. Harry Potter uses it.

That's it. That's it right there. The Manwand? That thing, dude, that thing, that thing is better than any chick you'll ever meet, any dude you'll ever meet.

But anyway, now girls come over to my house, and I have it out on the table. I don't care.

Oh, yeah.

I don't hide it.

I would be insufferable as a boyfriend. If Leanne passed away and I started dating, there's no- Or just divorce could have been a thing.

No. Why go to death right up front?

There's no plan on us We're never going to get divorced. If she died, that's the only reason I'd start dating other people.

Really? That's the only way?

We're never going to get divorced. What if she goes, I'm-I kill her. Wait, let me finish.

All right.

I'm going to make a drink.

Hey, Bert.

This is already stressing me out. Yeah.

Bert, I just want to let you know.

You're not doing a good accent.

Hey, Bert.

There you go. Hey, Bert.

Hi, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. We have wonderful kids. We're wonderful kids, and you give me a great life. But I'm going to tell you right now, man, I'm into the ladies, and I just think that right now...

I'd be cool. I'll go, Keep dating ladies. We're going to stay married.

But then that gives you the green light to go with other girls?

No, I probably will.

Whatever you want.

Okay, I discussed this.

It's not a frotium. It's not frotium. Frotium slip. Okay, go ahead.

This is why... I was just talking to someone about this the other day. Might have been my daughter's. My daughter's asked my body count the other day.What.

Is your body count?Six.This.

Year?no, my whole life.

Holy... Six your whole life?

Yeah, my whole life.

You're like a Christian. You're like a Morvan or something. This is insane.

I don't know who I was just telling this to, but I definitely... The problem is I was just bad. The first time I did it, it was really bad. Who was I just telling this to? It was really bad. After that, I didn't I perform well. I came fast. My dick wasn't even in her. I'm doing her butt cheek in the bed. Then it was such a nightmare that I was so like... I remember getting into the bathroom after it was done, looking in the mirror. It was so humiliating. Then even my next two times were so still just not wasn't good at it. I thought I'd be good at it. It's like saying... It's like being like, You're good. No, now I've gotten better, but I was not.

But are you sure?

I'm sure.

No, because that's what Leanne says.

No, No, no. Now I'm good.

Yeah, but Leanne could be lying to you.

She probably is. Then you're not good. No, yeah, maybe I'm not. Yeah, I'm telling you you're not good. It's the reason people that don't-I want to say you're not good. People that don't sing karaoke, they sing karaoke for a reason. I don't fuck other people for the same reason people don't sing karaoke.

Do you lock eyes? Dude, I was-Okay, tell me about that.

I didn't even talk during sex. I was silent. Like Helen Keller.

You'd moan like her?

I'd freak out Then someone would come in and go...

That's not good.

Bread, bread. All the air bouncing off my hand, Helen.

Yeah, wow. There should be a statistic, right? I don't know if this is a fact. I don't think they have a statistic for this. But I believe that for fat Asian guys in America, I think I have the biggest body count.

What's your body count?

I can't tell you.

What are you talking about? When did you start keeping secrets? Me and you are open fucking books, Bobby. Okay.

I don't know.

I literally don't know. You had to ballpark it. Let's just ballpark it in Asian countries, okay? Are you China, where it's so big, you can't wrap your head around it.

No, no, no.

Okay, Are you Japan? You can't compare it with a Chinese guy in China because I feel like it's easier. What do you mean?

If I was a Chinese guy in China, it'd be easier to get gross. My point is, but coming to America, being a fat Asian guy and getting white chicks and Mexican, all this is harder.That's the fucking key. It's challenged. That's really difficult. I feel like I have the highest body count, I think. It's easier when you pay, though.

Wait, are you talking about your body count?

You know what? I'm trying to come here with positivity, dude. You're a little jokes, dude. I'm going to let them slide today.

I wish I had paid for sex.

You've never done it? No. Okay.

I wish I had. I look back and I go, I'm bummed I never did.

I don't know. It's better when you get free roaming.

What's the same reason? What?

Free roaming. You know what I mean? In the wild. Yeah. It's more challenging. It's like paying for sex is like killing a cow at a barn. You know what I mean? He's enclosed and trapped. It's easier.

Yeah, obviously.

I don't know if there's cows in the wild.

I think the analogy is shooting fish in a barrel, not killing a cow in a barn.

Oh, really? Yeah. I think it's-You're right. But I try to come up with my own analogy.

It's like hunting horses. All you need is an apple and a gun.

All right. Oh, yeah, fish in the barrel.Fish.

In the barrel.Yeah. I wish I had paid for sex the same reason that I'm glad I went skydiving. I'd never do it again, but I'm glad I had the experience once. Yeah, I would never do that. You would never go skydiving? No. Bungey jumping?

I would do it with Henry Cavill.

Oh, Superman? Yeah. I think his name's Cavill.

Whatever. I want to say this, too. I don't know if it be controversial right now.

Oh, I'd love to hear this.Yeah..

But not only... I think he's the best Superman of all time. Oh. I don't care. No, no, no. There's no way to argue it.

There's no way to argue it. Benaflack is better than Henry Cavill. Who's better? Benaflack is better than Henry Cavill.

He's Batman.

Oh, you're right.

Yeah, he's Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, was Henry Cavill Superman when Benafleck was Batman?

Yeah, they fought each other.

Okay, Henry Cavill is the best Superman.Yeah, they fought against each other.That was my favorite Superman.What? When they fought against each other?When they fought against each other. That was my favorite Superman.

What?

When they fought against each other? When they fought against each other.

That was too long and convoluted.

Then The Wonder Woman showed up and Aquaman was sitting in the water.

No, Aquaman was not in. That was in the Justice League. Aquaman and the Flesh were not in that movie because I just rewatched them in Montana because I had nothing to do. I went from Christopher Reeves all the way through.

Pull up all the Superman real quick. All right.

I honestly believe I can rank them. Let's just do film. I don't want to do TV.

nick cage was Superman?

He was supposed to be. In one of the Superman movies, he was in it or something, right? In the flash, they do A little montage at the end where they showed him in a multiverse. I think that it goes Henry Caval, then it goes Christopher Reeves, then it goes Brandon Ruth.

I would put Kirk Allen in there.

You don't know Kirk Allen.

No, no. George Reeves. Of course, George Reeves. I mean, George Reeves. George Reeves is the one I remember the most.

That's the old-school '50s ones.

Dean Cain looks like a guy that votes Republican now, doesn't he? Yeah. He's got some real opinions on Francis.

He looks like Kim Jong Un, actually. Look at him. Yeah, but what do you think?

I think Henry Cavill is my-Best Batman. No.

What's your best, best Batman?

My best Batman? Yeah. Beneflek. I'm a big Beneflek fan. The only reason I ever get sober if Beneflek called and said he wanted to be my sponsor.

You met him?

No, I've never met him. I love that guy.

Wait, you would get sober only if Beneflek asked you to be his sponsor?

If he called me up right now and he was like, Yo, is Beneflek, I would love to be your sponsor, get you into sobriety, I'd be like, Fuck, yes.

Okay, let me throw some. How about Anthony Hopkins? No.

For being sober?

For Batman.

Anthony Hopkins would be a Batman.

All right, what about Brad Pitt? No. He's the only one.

Beneflek. I think I get him. I feel like I like him. I like him. You know why? Why?

He doesn't hide his emotions.

Right. And I don't either.

When he's walking out of the fucking limos with JLo, normally, as a guy, we would be like, All right, there's going to be people there. Smile. Yeah, he's just so drawn. I hate it.

I don't care what people think. And he's smart as shit.He's.

Really smart.He's so smart. Dude, I saw him on Bill Mares.

What's it called?Real Time.Real Time. And he fucking lit that dude up.

Yeah.

Him and Matt Damon are two of the smarter dudes.They're so smart.They're movie stars.

They're so smart.

We don't have that. We don't even... I mean, like, Rogan's smart like that. He could viscerate. He's smart. Rogan and Bur are the two guys that could eviscerate somebody in a conversation.

Who are the dumbest?

Me and you. But by far. No, it's not. Okay, let's talk about Gaza.

I don't know where it is, but my point is, it's got to be It's got to be near Israel.

It's got to be. Can I tell you, I really believe that Gaza is like Sunset Boulevard. It's a road. Is Gaza a road? Yeah. It is, right? But you guys don't know either, do you? It's a strip. It doesn't have roads anymore. Wait, is it a strip? Is it the Vegas strip? Yeah. People, for a bachelor party, they go to the Gaza strip. I don't follow any of it. Yeah.

I remember the first time Andrew brought up Gaza. I didn't know where it was. He goes, What do you think of Gaza? You know what I said to him? I go, Azad. He goes, What do you mean? He goes, I go, That's backwards. Is that Gaza backwards? That's all I know. Wait. Don't bring this. I don't want to talk about this. Wait, I'm just proving.

I'm just telling you we are the two dumbest comedians. No, I'm just proving.

We are the two dumbest comedians. There are other people. I can throw-Fio all of a sudden got smart.

I don't know when the fuck that happened.

But he doesn't. If you watch his interviews, he doesn't. He pretends to be. I mean, Yeah, man. You know what I mean? You can't say, Yeah, man, after someone says something's smart.

How would you have interviewed Donald Trump?

That's a weird approach. I don't know. When I saw him do it-I wouldn't have done it.

What? I wouldn't have done it. I don't think I would have done it. I got invited to the National Republican Convention, and I wanted to go just to get fucking wasted and just have fun. My wife wouldn't let me go. She's like, You will get caught into some conversation like Billy Bush and be like, Yeah, grabbing the pussy.

Yeah, I hate that we're like that in this country.

I thought you were talking about... We're still talking about me and you. Me and you were like that. If you go to the fucking National Republican Confidentization.Conversation?Conversation..

But here's the thing is, right? No, I could shut my mouth.

Bull? Yeah, I could shut my mouth.

I could shut my mouth. I know how to shut my mouth. Oh, you think that when I go on this set of sex in the city and I'm with Sarah Jessica Parker, I start mopping out my pussy. You know what I mean? What badge do you have? I would never do that. I say to myself, Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Do you know the smart people don't have that inner dialog where they go, Shut the fuck up. Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak.

It's not that we're dumb. It's not that we're dumb. We just don't have that little thing in our brain.

Oh, yeah, I don't.

But that's not being dumb. We would be in the parallel Olympics, not the Special Olympics.

I take that.

Yeah, and the Paralympics is just people that are physically there's something going on, right? But our minds are normal.

Can I tell you the only thing I drew from the Paralympics? Do you know the reporters are para-reporters?

They're gone too far.

No, it's para-reporters. Other reporters don't have arms either. Yeah. Did you know that? No. I've been watching the Paralympics.

Really? That's insane.

No, it's appropriation if they have Bryant Gumball doing-All you have to do is this.

Are you para-pleasher, too? As a reporter, I'd be like, Yeah, man, what's up?

You can't ask someone what their illness is.

Oh, really? That's a-Oh, then you can go, Yeah, my toes are missing.

If you go like, Wait, what's your thing? You got to go, I choose not to tell you. Really? You're invading my body.

Oh, that's cool. Then anyone can be a reporter at the Paralympics. Technically. Yeah, just lie. Or just bump into a wall.

Is it the same as Special Olympics?

Same thing with Special Olympics?

No, I don't think so. See, this This is where my brain is going, Shut the fuck up, Bird.

Shut the fuck up. Me too. That's so interesting. I didn't know that. But it's like, don't you think that's gone too far? No.

No, because that's the whole thing is that... Listen, let's be honest. Let's talk real. If you're watching the fucking 100 sprints and Noah Wiley's there, and they got a guy with no legs doing the interview, you're going to be like, This is awkward. This is really… Couldn't you guys have thought about? If a guy's like, Hey, you ran really fast, and Noah Wiley's like, Yeah, to I run really fast than you. But to everyone else, I'm just really fast. But to you, I'm mind-blowing.

Yeah. Are there reporters that have limbs missing in the regular Olympics interviewing? No.

Why would they? That's not fair. Okay, it's not fair. That's why they give them the jobs for the Paralympics. Because here's the deal. If they show a guy with no arm interviewing an ice skater, you are not going to listen to the interview. You're going to go, What happened to his arm? Especially when his little shirt moves, and it's going to distract you. I'm just telling you, I'm being real.

That's why they don't-Losing an arm, it depends on where you lose it.

They just let women on the sidelines to interview football players. When do you think they're going to... It's a fucking...

Can you imagine them just-Would you rather have your arm here?

Oh, fuck yeah. Or right here? It's a game changer. I've known a lot of guys without arms.

I don't want it here.

I know so many people have that.

Because you have that little piece sticking out like that. I don't like that.

No, that's not why you don't want it.

Why? I just don't want a little The little thing sticking out like this, right?I would do it here.That's not why. Why?

That's not why you don't want it. Why? Because this is a lot more usable, this thing. Oh, this part? You want the more of the limb you can salvage, the better.

So what's the worst? Here?

This is the easiest. That's the best. If you just lose your hand, that's the best.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I don't want to see photos.

I don't want to see it before. We can imagine it.

Yeah, we can. Here, Bobby, it's this. Right, it's this. You say this is the best situation. Yes. This is the best situation.Yes.This right here is second best.

Second best.

Then here.

If you lose it here, it's tough. It's really tough. But a lot of dudes... I know probably four guys and a girl that have lost... They lost their use of their arm. It just hangs there like a dead arm, and they get it cut off because it causes so many... And they burn it on stuff, and they bump it in and slam it into doors, and so they got to get them taken off. I know a girl that did that. God, I wish I remembered her She was really cool young lady. She got into a moped accident in college and broke her arm and then got in another moped accident and broke it again and never got use of her arm back. That's what you don't want. Do you think about getting attacked by animals, like a shark at all?

Wait, stop. You're coming at me so quickly. What? Because we went from amputees to sharks.

I think about Shaneley Shipp.

I know. The connection is losing the-It's just like a fun day in the beach.

A fun day in the beach. All of a sudden, you don't have a fucking leg.

Don't go that quick to the to Sharks.Okay.Let's segue better.I'll do it better. Hey, do you like the beach? But you got to bring this into it.

Do you like the beach?

Oh, I love the beach. I was just recently at a beach.

Dude, I saw one armed guy swimming in circles. Hey, are you afraid of Sharks?

That's it. There we go. That's it. Thank you so much. Yeah. Did you see the guy with no arms swimming in the Olympics?

No. Can you pull that up? He's Asian. You're going to love this, Bobby.Oh, whoa.He's Asian.Yeah. And no arms. The only reason he's winning the whole time, the The only reason he loses is he doesn't have fucking arms.

That's the only reason why he loses?

That's the only reason he loses because the other guy goes like this. It's Asian Paralympics.

I want to throw another thing about this guy.

Here, that's it.

Before you play, I want to say one last thing. Look at this, Bobby. I know. Well, just give me... Let me just say one last thing, Bert. Okay. All right. Is what also sucks about his situation, he can't even use his dick to help him.

To swim? Yeah. It's like a rudder.

Yeah, but it's so...

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Put that joke out. That didn't work. I paused the whole flow of it. Just did a small dick joke, right? And it came out weird. So go ahead. So watch it.

Watch him. He's just... Look at this. Oh, my God. Look at him. He's looking He's breathing. No, it's him breathing. But the only reason the other guy wins is because he's got fucking arms. He's got to hit the wall with his head.

But with the arms, what does he have?

What's missing? You can't ask.

Oh, so you could be You could be...

Okay. What? The only reason that... But Gau second. That Ukrainian guy won is because the Chinese... That's Chinese, right? Yeah. Look at this blind guy still.

But Gau second. The Chinese took second. Chinese guys took second.

That's good. No, but if he had one arm, just one arm, he would have won.

That's life. If I was 6'3, I'd be Yau-Ming. Come on. You know what I mean? Not really. If I was 7'0, I'd be Yau-Ming.

Wait, hold on. Isn't he Chinese?

Yeah, you get what I'm saying. No. Jeremy Lynn.

Jeremy Lynn. If I had a bigger dick, I'd be Shaquille O'Neill.

Yeah, exactly. I want to talk to you about something that... Because I want to get the facts right. Shoot. As people know, I was injured on your tour.

Oh, God. Yeah. Okay, let's get it.

Well, I just want to do some investigating here.

No, I love your investigative reporting.

Thank you so much.

I'm a big fan. I seem to be the target of it every time, but keep going. I'm not targeting you. I know. Every time I get a fucking text, Hey, did you see who on Bobby's podcast, and I'm like, Motherfucker. Dude, go ahead. I love this.

At 2:00, 2:30 in the morning, I fall off my bunk. Yes. Hit my lip. Yes. Get knocked out. Bleeding blood everywhere. Blood everywhere. I go to the front of the bus. I don't know what the fuck to do. I go to the bus driver and I go, Hey, dude, I think I need to go to the hospital. He's like, You can't wait five hours? We're almost there at Fort Lauderdale, five hours. I'm sitting there now.

You said you can't wait five hours?

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That's rocketmoney. Com/badfriends. Rocketmoney. Com/badfriends. Are you fucking kidding? I was hurt by it. I bet you I would have been hurt. I was so scared. I would have been pissed. I was so scared. I was so scared. I was so scared. I'm sitting there, I have my shirt over my face, bleeding and I'm texting you guys. Yes.

I text eight people. God damn it. I got to find this fucking-You'll find it. I have all the fucking-All right, you'll find it.

The only...

Please someone send me that fucking chat thread. It was so fucking hysterical.How?It was because... The problem with me and you is that when we get honest, sometimes people still think we're joking. When you said, I fell out of my bunk, everyone thought, We didn't know that was real. Then Leanne was the only one that was like, Wait, Bobby's really hurt. She was the first person to be like, Bobby's really hurt. That was the-What time?

That was at 6:00 in the morning.

It was around 10:00 AM. I think they'd They were taking you to the hospital already.

No, Leanne is the one that saved me. Yeah, Leanne-You don't give a shit.

The first person to respond was Mark Norman.

He wasn't even onto her.

I know. He was just left.

Oh, yeah, he just left.

Yeah. He When he got the text. He was getting on a plane, and he said, Busted rip?

That's so funny. That's so funny. I'm going to tell you who were the helpful ones.

It wasn't me.

I know exactly. That's why you're not on this list. Okay.

Who are the hopeful ones?

Number one, Leanne, your wife.

Yes, she was very helpful.

Okay. Audely enough, Dave Vatel.

No.

Because he was the one that texted me a bunch of times afterwards to see how I was doing, checking up.

Really? Yeah. I checked in.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did.Nope.I definitely did.Fuck you.I definitely did.Yeah. I did. I 100% did.

Listen, you know what you are?

What am I, Bobby?

Remember Game of Thrones?

You know what I mean? Yeah.

Who was the original king before the Lannisters went in there? That big former Robert- Barathean? Barathean. That's what you are.

I'm Robert Barathean?

Yeah, you're Robert Barathean.

Is that bad or good? I don't remember.

It's in the middle.

I'm the father of king of...

There you are.

I'm the one that gets killed by the ear. Look at you. That's you, dude. I might be Robert Barathean. I always saw myself as a Ned Stark guy.

No, you're not Ned Stark, dude.

I'm a little more like Ned Stark.

What am I in the world?

In Game of Thrones? Yeah. You're the guy that throws fireworks everywhere. What? There's some guy that throws fireworks everywhere. Put an Asian guy, fireworks, Game of Thrones. There's no... There is no. Asian guy, Fireworks, Game of Thrones.

Oh, they're that guy.

Wait, oh, that's a-Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a-Whatever.

That's not-Yeah, that's David Shay. I don't know what I'm thinking of. I don't know what you're thinking of. There are no Asians in Game of Thrones.

Okay, Let's be for real. Who are you in Game of Thrones?

You're going to say Peter Dinklage is his character.

No, I'm not. No, no, no. Buddy, you're not that smart. Peter Dinklage is a gangster in Game of Thrones. He organizes everything.

Jason Momoa. No. Okay, fuck.

You're more Kaleesi's brother.

Oh, the one that gets gold on his face? Yeah. Oh, yeah, Weasley.

Yeah, you're not...

I'm like a Weasley.

No, no, no, no. You know who you are? I think you. You are... No, you're not Kaleesi's brother. Give me another shot. You are the...

Baby Dragon.

No, you're one of the guys that's on the night watch.

Oh, I know who I am. Who? The kid that betrays him. Yeah, you are. Remember the kid? And he gets home.

You're the kid who stabs him. Yeah. You're the kid who stabs him in the ass.

Yeah, the little kid, and then he gets hung at the end. I'm him.

Do you know what I wanted to do with you so bad? What do I want to do with you? I wanted to do a trauma bowl of candy. What's that? Have you ever seen trauma bowls? No. Have you never seen trauma bowls?

Can we go back to the lip thing or what?

Okay, let's go back to the lip thing. All right.

Let's go back to the lip thing.

Do you think anyone's following this podcast? They're like, I don't know what they're talking about. Thank God they have Andrew and Tom to do podcast.

No, I like this. I do, too. Yeah, I like it. Okay.

Here's what I wrote. I wrote, Are you fucking crazy? I feel bad that I ruined it. Wait, oh, this is you. This is you. Okay. Okay. It's 2:06, so it's a little late in the day.2:06.In.

The morning, yeah. What do I say?

I wrote...

When you Say the people that are in the thing, try to do their voices, too.

No, no, hold on. I can get locked in. This is just me and you. What are you doing? Hang on. Let me do my fucking investigative journalism.

All right, so I'll just talk about my half of it. Okay? Right here, the first The thing I do is send two photos in a gigantic group chat for 40 people that are in it, okay? Then I write a letter, okay? Tear everyone. I fell off the top bunk and hit my mouth on a ledge and my lip is split open and I don't know what to do. I say, Good night. The next text I get is three hours later. Three hours later, dude.

Oh, my God. Can someone please find the text was just sent with all the texts attached of all the comedians replying to that that you just sent me? I'm fighting with Bobby and I need to win.

There's no win or lose. There's only facts.

No, I- These are facts. Okay, let me go to fully loaded.

Oh, yeah, go to the fully loaded Talent week one with Bobby Leonet.

I got week three. I got week-You have so many weeks. Week two, and then I got week one. Yeah. Okay, let me get to your face. Okay, here we go. Okay, this is it. Okay, I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. Okay. Okay. Good morning. Today's activities are the Birdcast episode in Bird's Shower Room. We also have a private pool with a bartender starting at 2:00 PM. 2:00 PM, snow cones, trucks will be coming. Is there a ballpark for the podcast? I don't know. Very loose plans. Then Bobby Lee wrote, Oh, hang on. Oh, hang on. You're right. You're right.

What are you doing, dude?

That was seven hours after- Hear everyone. I fell off the top bunk and I hit my mouth on a ledge. My lip is split open and I don't know what to do. Thankthank you. Then he wrote, Good night.

Good night.

Kyle Canane wrote, Put ice on it and tell everyone you got hurt doing something cooler than falling off a bunk bed.

Kyle, Fuck you.

Leanne wrote, Oh, shit. Here we go. Rachel said, Coming to help. She's the best. Then Victoria said, Coffee?

Yeah, Victoria, I have issues with. I have really big issues with Victoria, and I'm not ashamed to say it. She put voodoo on the reason why my lip You think so? Oh, yeah. She said she would do voodoo, and then I got hit my lip. That's the one, dude. Shit. Anyway, fuck Victoria. Then you do some asshole that's, Good morning, today's activities. I'm about to die. Somebody goes, an activity is fucking announcement, right? Then…

Then you said a picture. The picture is horrific. And Victoria writes, You're doing amazing, sweetie.

Yeah, Yeah.

Leanne writes, I'm so sorry, Bobby. Please let me know if you need anything. Someone else writes, It looks better. And guess what? Stacey says, Get some sleep. Oh, that'll fix it.

And guess what, Bird? From two to then, you don't text once.

You don't text one time, you fucking asshole. You're a piece of shit.

Why didn't you text?

Hang on, Victoria wrote, I did-You see what he's doing?

Not text once. Hold on.

I was busy doing activities. Who was at the bar? I I didn't know that it was as bad as it was.

I sent you photos, fucked up.

I know, but I was laying in bed, I was sleeping. Okay. Then Chad Daniels wrote, Your skin looks great. Mark Nola wrote, Busted rip.

That was very funny. Good laugh.

Mark, good laugh. He wrote, What happened? You get Will Smithed again?

Very funny.

Okay. Then I wrote, I wrote privately to you. Oh, you did? I did, of course. I'm not going to write to... I don't write... Oh, that's right.

Maybe that's what it is. Yeah, I wrote... Let's go back to Bert.

I wrote. Okay.

I went way back.

Hey, buddy, how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do? It looks great.

You're right. I think you're right.

Absolutely. Fly home tomorrow if you need to. I feel horrible. And you went, Are you crazy? I feel bad that I ruined everything. I wanted to do the remaining dates in a couple of weeks. I'm so sorry this happened. I love you so much, but I can't literally open my mouth in so much pain. And I wrote, Bobby, you didn't ruin anything, buddy. We're all bummed that this happened. Everyone loves you. I wish you were here to tell you that. I love you to death. Take care of yourself first, brother. I love you and have fun. And I can definitely have you on those remaining dates. I go in there. Then I said, Wow, does it still It seems a little bit better, but I'll see you next week. I'm going to kill it for you. I said, You're the best.

I want to say something very positive to you and your family. What's that? I never expected it. I also was like, Why would they do that? But Leanne calls me and she goes, And by the way, the dates you missed, we're still going to pay you for those. Which is... I was emotional when I got that because it's not like... It was whatever. I would never even thought about it But it's just the idea that you're just that cool that you guys would just do that. And it's not chump change. It's a nice chunk of money. You know what I mean? For me, I have to admit, you and Tom over the years have been real friends and allies to me and Andrew and our family and this and that. It's just a real blessing. It's hard to give you compliments, to be honest with you. For real? Yeah. Right now, I just wanted to say something negative, but I'm trying to get into staying in the zone. But no, you guys are really just really great guys.I appreciate it.That's just funny. Really nice. Thank you.

I'll tell you why we honor the money. Because when Georgia was four, she fell and broke her jaw, knocked out all her teeth in a pair of crocs. I I pulled off a tour because I had to fly home. It was a Sunday night, and it wasn't a ton of money. It was like we were making $5,000 a weekend. We were doing probably five shows, so maybe it was $1,000. I flew home, I missed a Sunday show, and they docked me $1,000. I remember being so fucking mad.

When you did clubs?

When I did clubs. I was like, Wait, I didn't bail on you. My daughter got hurt. They were like, Yeah, but you didn't do the show, so we get to keep money. I fucking was livid.

You're not going to tell me what club it is.

It wasn't the club. It was the fucking It was Jamieson. Jamieson. It was Jamieson Irish Whisky. It sent me through the roof, and I still have a grudge about that. When we did Fully Loaded first year, we did Mississippi, and it got rained out brand in Mississippi. They said, Well, we'll see if we can get everyone back. I said, Well, we got to pay everyone first. They were like, Hold on, we can't afford to pay them. It'll really fuck our budget up. I was like, Yeah, but we can't stiff them. We reached out to everyone. You'd have to ask the individual comics, but I think we gave them half the money and then bought them a gift bag to send them and then said, Hey, we hope that you'll come back. We'll honor the... Hope we'll come back and do it, and we'll honor the rest of the money. But if you can't, we'll just pay you the money. People that didn't, we paid them the money, and then everyone came back. But I remember getting fucked by that, and that bothered me so much. So thank you very much. It's the first video you to say it.

No, really nice. I love you, dude. Here's the deal. I love you more than you love me.

That's fucking insane that you would say something like that.

Try to talk shit about me on my podcast, and try to talk shit about you on my podcast, and watch what I do, okay?

Okay, what do you mean? I don't even know what the group is.

You be someone that doesn't like Bobby Lee. When you lay in your bed and you think the things about yourself that you think people are saying, say those right now. I'll be interviewing you. You're someone that hates Bobby Lee.

Oh, so I'm a guy. Let me create a character then.Okay.What? I'm Richard.

Who's someone that dislikes you?

I don't see that's the thing. I want to create a character because there's a couple of people, but I want to throw their name in there.

There's a lot of people that hate me.

Yeah. My name is Mandu. I'm Christ.

No. Mandu Calrón. Yes. Mandu Calrón.

I'm Mandu Calrón. Okay. What's up, dude?

What, dude?

I'm Mandu Calrón, dog. I'm from Falcon, the inner suburbs of everything, What's up?

Have you ever worked with Bobby Lee?

Yo, dude, that little motherfucker was a piece of shit, though.

He's a good friend of mine.

Yeah? How could you be a friend with a guy that shows his pubes, everybody?

Because I'm the same guy. We're like brothers. I love that guy to death. Why? What were you going to say about him? That's how it works.

Wow. That's what you do?

Yeah, but that doesn't get views on a podcast.

Okay.

Right. Rated, this is how you get views on a podcast. Go ahead. Be Mandel Cauron.

I saw Mandel Cauron here, dog, from inner suburbs of fucking East. We're Sean Washington.

Dude, I love your set on Def Jam.

Thanks, doll. What's up?

Mando. Do you know Bobby Lee?

Yeah, dude. That guy, Man, fuck, bro. What a fucking creature of delight, man. He's a piece of shit, man.

Tell me what he did. What?

He showed him a pub and stuff, man. That's what you really do. Are you saying that if they're saying things about you, that I should be more defensive of you? No, no, no. No, be honest. No. Because I will be more mindful about that.

No, I don't know.

But it's also who cares?

I don't.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter.

It definitely doesn't matter to me. I try to I think about... I try to think of my brain as a condo. Say I have 18 vacancies in my head, and then I go, who am I going to give rooms to? A rich man's condo. A rich man's condo? Yeah. Is that 18? Is it a lot? Yeah. I I don't know. Never lived in a fucking condo. I actually lived in an apartment building. It's an apartment building.I lived in an apartment building.I lived in an apartment building. Yeah, I said the wrong word. I never lived in a condo.

Don't mind them. Shut the fuck up, man.

Then you go, who do you allow rooms in your condo for? Oh, I see. Who do you allow? Because there was a time when I was younger that-I have strangers in my condo.

People I don't know are in my condo. Really? Like 50 of them. Yeah. Come on in, sleep over, do whatever. Do whatever you want. You know what I mean? They just run around, fucking shit on everything.

Who do you think allows more strangers in their condo? Santino or Tom?

Oh, shit. Santino. You really? Yeah, because I know Tom a little bit. Tom doesn't... At least when I do shows with him on the road, he's very just calm, but maybe he's doing an act.

No, it's-He's very calm. I don't think he... He has a weird thing where he genuinely does not care about things. I think it's also losing his dad for him was a new thing of... And then Christina going through what she went through. Oh, my God. I think he was just like, Okay, I'm done giving a fucked. I think he was like, I got a condo, and I'm going to give 16 rooms to what's going on in my life with my kids, my wife, and whatever. I think Santina... Santina doesn't strike me as someone who's...

There's people that live there. Really? Yeah, and they're strangers.

Okay. Who do you think has more people in their condo? Shane Gillis or Joe Rogan?

Oh, shit. Shane Gillis.

Yeah.

You think so?

Yeah. I think Shane Gillis. I think he still reads comments.

Yeah, but he also tells the people in the condo, I'll get you back.

He serves eviction notices. Yeah. Actually, I know some people that have condos in his head. I know a guy who actually hasn't paid his rent in a long time, but a long time ago, he moved in. And Shane's waiting for the right time to light his condo on fire. Really? I know who it is.Oh, you're there?Yeah.Who.

Is it?I.

Can't tell.Okay..

Can I tell you? I have a Shane Gillis problem here.

What? Oh, he didn't like you.

No, he loves me. Yeah, I'm getting it. Can I tell you? Let me go to his text here. All right, so there's a Shane Gillis problem. I love him. You know what I mean? And he's a great guy. I have this thing now where I just refuse to do... Because I just did a movie in Montana. I play a regular guy.

Like a white dude?

Yeah, I'm just like a white guy. There's no racial references.For.

Real?yeah, never. You're not Asian at all in this?

Dude, in all the roles I've had in the last five years, Reservation Dog, Sex in the City, all these Magnum PI, there's no real Asian references. I don't have an accent. It's not an issue.

What was the new movie that just came out? Badlands. Borderlands. Borderlands. You were just a regular dude.

A regular dude. Okay, so all the things I do is a regular dude, right? I refuse to do Asian ones, right? Yeah. Then he goes-Oh, I saw you in...

You know a movie I just saw? What? The fucking movie you just did about fucking getting sober.

It's a variety. Sweet Dreams. Sweet Dreams. Yeah. All right, keep going. Anyway.

You were great in that.

Oh, thank you so much.

I think you played gay and not Asian. Yeah, I was a little gay.

All right, so this is what he writes. He goes, We wrote a role for you in tires, which is great. I fucking would love to do that show.Right?Yeah. Then he goes, If you're interested, please be interested. I go, Fuck it, I'll do it. Then he goes, Yes. Then I go, I always say this, No accent, please. He goes, Dude, I swear it's all accent. No English at all. Then I go, Ha, ha, Ha ha ha. Then he goes…

That's one of the lines.

He goes, I'm not joking. I'll explain that, but I'm not joking. I go, Can you send me the script? You know what I mean? What do I do? If I have this moral thing of… Because I desperately love those guys, O'Kunal, all those guys. I would love to do it, but it's like, Do I show up and go, Okay, guy, I do it?

You can also I love those guys and just love their show and just be like, I love those guys. I love their show. I don't need to be in it. But here's the problem is you do get... People do... It's not a shitty thing, but they just go, I'm looking for a fat drunk who... Oh, let's get Bert. And then you go, I'm like a fat drunk. And they go, Yeah, but that's okay. Then you just sit in there going, I guess that is what I put out.

I put out a thick Asian accent?

No, but no.

I really do. No, be real. Do I do?In this show all the time.Do I do? Am this I know all the time.Do I do?On this show? I mean, come on.

Just said, Do I do? Same thing by different?

Yeah. Because I talk so fast.

No, but here's the thing. They trust you. They trust me. If they're going to do a role like that, they want to go to someone who they know is funny and they know also can tell them that's not cool. They wrote it. It's a bunch of dudes from Philly that wrote something fucking wildly funny, and they want to trust. They trust only funny people to do it. They're going to you because you're a friend. I know, but-I guarantee you that whatever they wrote is funny as fuck. I bet it is, yeah. It overwhelms the whatever Asian accent thing you're thinking. I'm probably going to do it. I guarantee you it. I went to do it.

I would do it. I'll put the buck teeth in. I don't care. I'll fucking do it.

But you can also just love those guys and root for them and go, I can't wait to watch it.

Well, I want to read it first. Let me read it first. Yeah. Anyway, okay.

I can't wait to see nine Philly guys write an Asian character's accent. I know. That's the challenge. No, that's viral moment is you do the show in the day it airs, you post the script where it's like, whatever the-Yeah, I should.

Since I talked about this, then I talked about it here. We're not going to edit this out, right? No, don't. Yeah. Let me ask you another thing that I'm going through right now. It's something I hate about myself. I can't talk to Andrew about it because he doesn't really want to listen to me. But I have a thing. I was in Winnipeg with your friend Tom. We're doing a show. Backstage, I don't know if we talked about this, but have we talked about this? There was a guy backstage. He's a club owner in Winnipeg.

I know the club.

You do? Yeah. Yeah. Nice guy. Seems like a very nice guy.

That's the club that Tom bombed in horribly, correct?

I don't know. Yeah, keep going. Anyway, Tom goes, Hey, this guy, he's owned the club for years. Immediately, I go, How come you never booked me?

Why would you say that?

What? That's the Yeah, you can't say that.

Why? Because it doesn't matter.

It does matter. Why?i'll tell you why.Okay, keep going. There's all these clubs in America that I remember calling my agent because even before podcasting, I did pretty good numbers. I went to good numbers.

You've always done good numbers.

I'm doing way better now. They just don't want you. It would make me mad because it's like, I want to play it. I want to go to that city and play it. Then I look at their lineup, I have more credits, whatever. I would build I'm in a resentment. Then now that I see these club owners now, I'm weird. I don't want to be like that, but it's like, Am I the one that's in the wrong?

Yeah, you are.I'll tell you why.Why? Tell me why. Teach me. What happens when you get famous or when you get success in comedy is all those little fucking thorns in your side that wouldn't work with you and didn't want to fuck with you and didn't want to talk to you and maybe sometimes didn't even know you. Didn't even know you existed. When you first get famous in comedy, or not famous, but get some success, there's an impulse. I've seen so many people do it to light those people up and let them know, Now you couldn't get me, or something like that. It's ugly. What you should say to that guy, I'll give you a perfect example of someone I love to death that I wanted to say that to.

Who?

I wanted to work Comedy Works so bad. Denver. Denver so badly. I wanted to... I can name a hundred of these clubs because I didn't have your career. I had a bullshit career. I had one where no No, I worked on Travel channel. No one ever thought I'd ever make money. No one ever thought I was ever going to become successful or get a special on Netflix. There were a bunch of clubs that just... The cool clubs would never work me, would never fucking work me. That's interesting. I wanted to work Comedy Works so bad. I always worked at Denver Improv, which is predominantly a black room. One of the worst rooms. It's one of the worst rooms in the world. I know. I languished in the Denver Improv, never selling a ticket. I wanted to work Comedy Works so bad. Then I met Wendy, and there was a part of me that wanted to say, Why didn't you ever work me? Then Wendy just was like, You're fucking hilarious. Where have you been? I was like, Oh, my God, I thought I didn't say anything. Then she's, Anytime I ever stop by Denver, it was all in your head.

Dude, I remember-It's not in your head.

He didn't shoot and book you.

No. How about this? I'll give you a better one. I'll give you a better one. Okay? Yes, sir. Anne Harris and Joanne Grigioni. Love them. Okay. They were the I would say, the king makers of Comedy Central. They gave you half hours, they gave you hours. I remember sending audition tapes to them, and I didn't get a reply, no feedback, nothing. Then I was like, Fuck, man. I got so in my head that I was like, Thank God I never ran into them drunk and said something because I would have said my emotions and I'm going to say all my feelings. Then one day, I get a phone call from both of them and they're like, You're fucking so goddamn funny. Where have you been this whole time? Then I was like, Thank God I never He just said anything.

I understand.

But it's a natural instinct. I watched a guy light up a fucking club owner who all he said was, Hey, congrats on all the success. He's like, Yeah, I bet you wish you would fucking book me now. Then I was like, Why are you doing this? He just said, Congratulations.

I would never do that.

But here's the deal. He's at an arena and he's watching you perform murder, murder with Tom Segura. He knows how big your podcast is. Yeah. What are you guys doing? Please say you're too Asian.

We got a call. From who? From Andrew. Okay. Okay.

Santino. Hi, Bert. What's up? Happy Labor Day.

Happy Labor Day. I'm in Chicago with my family. I'm drunk on my patio. I feel like I'm doing you justice.

I'm having a glass of vodka with your best friend. We're breaking each other down with what's wrong with us.

Is he pissing you off or is it good?

No, it's good.

It's very healthy.

It's awesome.

Well, tell him, I miss him so much. I love you.

I'm right here. I can hear you.

He bouts, I'll share all this with you.

Honestly, between you and me, Bert, because I know it's just a private conversation that I'm ready to get rid of this guy. I want to come be a part of the poor Oasis.

Bert, can you tell him to...

We got a signing. Hey, we got a signing. Hey, are you coming out for Skanks Fest in Vegas?

I'm not going to be. I'm going to be on tour. I already got shit for it three other times.

I'm doing the Resorts World Theater, September 27th, the 28th. It's the same week in Skanks Fest. I'm bummed. Yeah, but I was going to say, I was going to say Bobby wants to come out. Where? Resorts World. Where's that? 27th, 28th. It's in Vegas. I want to do it. All right, you're in. All right, I'm going to have Bobby come. I'm stuck.

Why? I can do stand up? Yeah. I'm stuck, but I want to go.

I love you guys. I love you to death, brother.

I'll talk to you guys soon.

All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

He keeps calling me Noodle. I don't like it.

Noodle is not bad.

He goes, Hey, how's my favorite Noodle? I just don't like it. What's so funny?

Wait, what were we talking about?

I'll tell you why you said it. He goes, I got it. He goes, I just heard there's some wild aspects of your show that just wouldn't fit into. I go, You know what? I think you're right. I only bring this up. Listen, I'm only like this with Southern clubs, and you're right, I want to change. Obviously, in show business, of course, they're like directors, wherever you're. I've been in town for 30 years, and I get I'm on their radar now. That's why they say it, and I understand it, and I'm blessed. But it's The only reason why I brought it up is because it is an ugly side of myself that makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me go, Wow, I wish I could just not be like that.

Do you know who doesn't say it? Who? Santino and Tom. Do you know who says it?Me and you.Yeah. We're better people.

Are we better?

Let's be honest. I would rather be me than Tom.

I'd rather be me than Andrew. I think that's the truth.

Can you imagine being Andrew? Can you imagine being Tom? Can you imagine being Tom where everything's got to be like this? Yeah. Yeah.

I know.

Hey, this vodka is great.

Yeah.

Hey, this is a really cool car. When did you get it? Yeah. Shipped it over from Germany like a week ago. Man, it was nice. Yeah. He's just dead inside. Yeah.

I'd rather imagine being like this. Oh, it's 8:00 in the morning. I'm on a golf course. Then at 2:00, I have 15 meetings. Then at 3:00, I got to go over the fucking.

Okay, what would you want? Here's what I know what both of us wish we could do more like our friends.

Although you wanted to switch it up.

What would you take from them? It wouldn't be Tom's body. I have such a better body than him. Way better. It's ridiculous. Way fucking better. I mean, it's not even fucking close. Bigger dick, for sure. No, exact same dick.

They're the exact same. No, that's not true. I'll tell you why.

I've seen it. We've seen both each other's dicks together. We were almost docking each other.

Okay, I've seen yours, though. Yeah. Bueno, bueno. Very good. Thank you. Let me give He's better at communicating with people in terms of family. Are you talking about Tom or Andrew?

Andrew.oh, my God.He.

Loves being around family and friends.That's Tom, too.

That's Tom. That's Tom. He's better at communicating with people. I'm not good at communicating with people. If I get a text, I go, I just don't reply. I don't reply. That's actually the one close blowout fight Tom and I ever had was so simple to solve. But we sat down and he's like, We need to have a legit conversation. He's like, We run a business together. We're opening another business. Okay.

Keep going.

The same conversation. He said, You need to reply to my text. I tried to.

It's so funny Can you hear that you say this? I'll show you something right here. But I hate it when the people don't text me back.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to give you one right here.

I stop texting people because I don't want to wait for their text back.

I see Jordan Peel.

Oh, fuck that. I couldn't text Jordan Peel.

I saw this photo online, and I thought, he looked so cool here. I go, like an idiot. I go, You look dope. Nothing. That was a week ago.

Okay.

It hurts me.

Let's see who's got an unread text from me.

Really? How do you do that?

I can just go into Anyone Famous. Anyone Famous doesn't reply to me all the time. Okay. I can find an easy one. I'll tell you who just replied to me that I did not expect to reply, and I just said, Don't expect to reply, was Snoop.

Okay, I got a reply from a famous guy the other day. Who? I got six blue hearts Is that good? Jack Black. Wow. I go, Happy birthday, and he gave me six blue hearts.

Oh, because you guys just did a movie together.

Also, he did Bad Friends.Oh.

He did?Yeah. Okay.

But nothing from You looked up. Was that not cool? At least love it. No?

The only ones that bother me are guys that I feel like... That I go, Did I do something?

Okay. I think there's two things going on here. If you're super busy, I get it. My fear is they don't text me back because I'm not cool enough. I think that there are are people that are like that? Is that what you do to us, for example?I text you back.I.

Would never text you guys.

I have a list.

If you look at my list from my employees, I'm not saying you guys are employees, but if you look at all the text they sent me, I would never reply to them. I'm not going to spend my time replying to them. You can talk to me when I see you. I don't reply to emails. I don't look at emails. What's the matter?

Have I not been better about communicating with you guys? Have I I tried? Okay, then what the fuck is all these jokes? Okay. I'm trying. I feel like I am. I feel like, you know what? I want to be more, right? Yeah. Then every time I try to do more, you push me down and you say it's not good enough. That's what my dad used to do. I'm tired of it.

I see. God. Okay, can I jump in? You can do whatever you want. I'm on your time. I'm on your team. Yeah, I know you are. It's not normal for us to be disconnected. To your employees? Yeah, It's not normal for anyone to get access to me 100% of the time. It's so fucking wild.

I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, let's lay it down on the line, dude.

We should not be able to get in touch with each other. All the time. Okay, I can't tell you, Hey, man, I'm going through some shit with my daughter. We're getting ready to go to college. And then post a picture of me eating edibles at the beach. Then you watch it and then go, Hey, man, you're at the beach. What the fuck? Why'd you lie to me and say you're at your house packing up your daughter? Then I go, You're not supposed to be able to call me on my shit that easy. You shouldn't know that.

You're not.

I got caught. Yeah, you did. I got caught in a lie. Because I told someone, I was like, I'm packing up with my daughter. I can't do that today. I was at the beach eating edibles, and I just didn't want to do it. I was like, I should be able to lie to you. Old school, in the '40s. In the '40s, yeah. No one calls me on it.

It was easier in the '40s.

It's not like I lied to you and I fucking killed somebody. I just don't want to be around you. I'm trying to be nice.

Imagine being in the '40s, okay? Oh, my God. You and our comics.

Oh my God. Okay? What are you doing? Where are you performing? How I'm on my stage.

Yeah. I don't know.

Out on my stage.

Chinatown. Okay, keep going. San Francisco had a Chinatown. Keep going. Okay. Just hypothetically.

Okay, we're both in the '40s. Yeah, what I'm saying is-Major world where Asians and Whites live together. It's me, you. I'm Joey Chesnut, you're Kobayashi. Keep going. Okay. I watched that. I watched that. Netflix did a hot dog eating live content the day. I thought, That's fucking odd.

Why?

I don't know. I fell out of World War II. I just thought, do you ever think our grandparents would be like, So this is how it ends up?

Yeah, between the two.

It's just two of our people just eating hot dogs against each other. Wait, we're that close?

It's incredible how our world has changed in that way. Holy shit. It's so much more inclusive. It's so much... Honestly, I was in Montana, and I think 20 years ago, if I was in Montana, I was there for a month, I would have been like, Oh, I can't go anywhere, or I could get hurt.

Yeah. I wouldn't say 20 years ago. I wouldn't say 25 years ago.

Maybe 40, whatever. But I'm in Montana, and it's like, not only is there no racism, it's pretty inclusive. I mean, people are like, Hugging me and like, Hey, man, can I get a photo? I mean, maybe that has something to do with Fame.

Probably.

A little bit, you know what I mean? But I don't think...

I think here's the weird part is like, well, maybe... I don't know. Maybe if you're walking around Montana as a Korean dude, people are like, Who is he? Why is he in this neighborhood? Oh, shit, it's Bobby Lee.

No, because I went to... Okay, I'm going to tell you something that happened to me. I was in Montana, Butte, and I had a couple of days off, so I need to go to a AA meeting. Really? Yeah, so I went down to this.

Do you do those still every day?

No, I go to maybe once a week. I went to a church way deep into the suburbs. Oh, fuck.

That's the AA meeting I want to go to.

There were people in there with... Some people with oxygen tanks. That's how old they were.

Old-school drinking.

All white. Fuck, yeah. Old-school white. As soon as I walked in, obviously, everyone's 80 years old and super white. A little Asian guy comes in there, and I turned heads. But as soon as I sat down, they're like, Would you like some coffee? They put me some coffee, and then they go, Is there anybody from out of town? I go, I'm Bobby from LA. Then I shared. Then afterwards-What do you say?

You don't have to tell me exactly what you say? I'll tell you my share. What do you share? Do you go like, Hey, I'm out of town?

This is so gross. This is so gross of what I'm about to say right now, dude. But I say little things to let them know that I've been in the program.

I thought you were going to say, You say little things to let them know you're famous.

No, I don't care about that. But it's more like, When Dr. Bob and Bill back in Akron, Ohio. You know what I mean? I try to throw that something. That's wild. I say, Dr. Silkworth, when he talked about the psychic change the doctor's opinion in the big book. I want to throw them some knowledge that I'm sober, you know what I mean? Just like you guys, right? And I say something, maybe a little something personal.

Why? What's so funny? I did something gross the other night. All right. Let me finish this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But But then the second time I went there, there's only one Uber in view. I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to get home because it'll later at night. This couple, nice couple goes, Hey, buddy, we're big fans. You want to ride I go, Yeah. I get in the car, really nice couple, and they start going the opposite way of where my hotel is. I swear to God. I go, Where are we going? They go, Well, you're going to our house. I don't. Then I go, Huh? You're my kids. You're going to be my kids. Oh, my God. Okay. Now I'm in the boonies inside a living room. These two gigantic dogs are just attacking me. These three kids come out of the room. They're like, Wiping sleep. They have school the next day. They're like, Oh, my God. Nice to meet you. Our dad took us to Missoula. This is what he said. Our dad took us to Missoula and they gave us a $300. You know what I mean? We just said $300 on new school clothes. I'm like, Okay, cool. I got to get the fuck out of here.

It was so weird. I mean, what would you have done?

I would have done the exact That's the thing. Me and you are the people that-We're the good ones.

Yeah.

We're the good ones.Imagine... Bill Bur. That wouldn't happen. Yeah, that wouldn't...

That would not. I'm going to get the fuck out of here.

No, there's guys like him and Tom take care of themselves first. I was taking care of myself. No, they would have been like, someone said, Can we give a ride home? And immediately they said, No, I've got a car coming. I've got a car, I got an Uber. They're in charge of their shit. Guys like me and you go to a meeting or go a party and don't think of how we're getting home.

Anyway, so tell me about you made a fool out your phone.

Oh, I'm not doing it now.

No, you have to. We'll cut it out if it's bad. Okay. I'll tell you where I made... I'll tell you. You tell me, I'll tell you an even more embarrassing one.

What you're talking about is ego. It's your ego. You want people to know you've been in the program. Yeah. For me, my ego is that I'm just... I don't know. I think I was broke for so long. All those stuff I was telling you about what young comics do when they first get I was guilty of some of those things. Not all the time, but I definitely was guilty of them. The other day, we're at Night of Destruction. It's a demolition derby in Irwindale. I'm with my wife and my daughter and all her friends. People are taking pictures with me. They're coming up and taking pictures with me. One of the dudes goes, Who the fuck is he? I heard him, so I said, I'm a comedian. Then he goes to my wife, he does this. He goes, Whoa. It must be making his head big. It was like a weird fucking thing, but it struck me wrong. Then he said, Where do you do stand-up? I said, Just anywhere, really? Then he goes, You do the improv? This is what's crazy. Ila called me on it. I said, Yeah, I used to. I still do, though.

You still do?

I lied. I've seen you there. Yeah, I do it. I've seen you there. Yeah, I know. I said, I used to. He goes, Oh, have you ever done in a while? I said, Mom. Then I start getting this dialog, this inner dialog with me to this guy. I go, I'm off tour right now. I'm taking nine months off. I've been on tour for the past seven years. I just got done this arena tour. My daughter Ila is like, What are you doing? A person that does not give a fuck about me.

What are you doing, Bird?

What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know. I was like, because he did the thing, though, whoa, he must have a big head. I was like, Bitch, I'm watching you. I'm right here. What do you mean? He was like, Everyone's taking pictures with you. And he looked at my wife, whoa. And I was like, What the fuck? And then I just vomited my ego onto his shoes.

Yeah, would you, too?

And he didn't even notice. He was like, Cool. So when do you do the improv next?

Wow, wow, wow.

I fucking hate myself.

I know, but you know what? I get it. The worst is when they go, Oh, you do comedy? I go, Yeah. Yeah, LA? I go, Yeah. You know my friend Rocky Ramone? You know what I mean? Yeah, he does comedy out there. You guys probably do shows together. I go, Yeah, no, no, no, no, Rocky Ramone.

You have to pretend. Here's the worst one. When people go, so if you get recognized and then Other people go, Who are you?

I am.

I'm like, I'm nobody. I'm a comedian. They're like, But why are people taking pictures with you? Then I cut to the fucking chase and I go, I'm famous. They're like, I don't know you. I'm like, I know that. That's why we're having this I had a girl at a Grateful Dead concert come up to me and go, Hey, what's up? I said, How are you doing? She goes, I know you. I said, No, I don't think so. She goes, No, we went to high school together. I went to an all boys Catholic high school in Tampa. I know we didn't go to high school together. She's like, No, bullshit. We're not from Tampa. I know you. You're fucking with me. I went, No, I'm famous. She went, No, you're not. She goes, Why would you say you're famous? I go, I'm so famous. You think we went to high school together? I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Then her friend goes, Who the fuck do you think you are? I go, My name's Bert Kreisher. I'm a comedian. She knows who I am. She just can't place it right now. I guarantee you in a couple of minutes, you're going to know who I am because she knows who I am.

They go, Fuck you. They turn around and then the girl in fucking two minutes goes, You're the machine. I went, Yeah. I go, But I had to go through all this ego death to get to here. Why couldn't you at the very beginning be sweet and go, Hey, I know you. I go, No, you don't. You Okay, maybe I don't, and turn around. I'll tell you, I had a famous person do that to me one time because that's the thing with famous people is you think you know them. I did it to Reese Witherspoon. I thought I knew her. I was like, We grew up together. She was like, Did you? No, but that's what happens. Especially someone like Reese Witherspoon is so beautiful. You just are drawn to her immediately.

Can I say... Let me throw that. What did you say?

Reese Witherspoon.

She's okay. To me, it's not my thing.

No. What, white?

No, I love white.

She's perfect. She is the ideal white. If Hitler was going to make a person, it would be her.

Okay. I mean...

That's it. Hitler would have been like, That's the fucking one.

We just had different sensibilities, Hitler and I.

All right, keep going. You were saying...

I don't even know. Okay. It's so embarrassing. I don't want to say it. Say it. That's all we do. I was in an event with this girl. I was sitting there at this event, and she was like, What do you do? I go, Comedy. She goes, Yeah, what? I was saying, Yeah, I'm killing it. I'm doing really good. Every club I go to, I sell. Club, I said. I say club. I say every club I go, I sell out. She goes, Oh, that's cool. I go, Yeah, it's cool. I get a versus deal, I say.

Oh, Bobby. Oh, Bobby.

Oh, Bobby. I get a versus deal. She goes, What's that? I go, The club takes 40. I keep 60. I don't know. So whatever the fucking thing is. This is the worst one I've heard. I talked about it for about a half an hour about myself. I go, What do you do? She goes, Oh, I'm not really. My dad's a comic. I go, Who's your dad?

She goes, Ray Romano. That's the best one.

I completely made that story up.

Oh, are you serious? Yeah. I was in my head.

I didn't know what else because I didn't have a story. Pretty good, though? That's good.

That was really good. You should make up more stories.

I do. That's a pretty good makeup story, right?

It's a really good one. Yeah. Can I give you a redemption one? Give me a redemption. I haven't told anyone about this. This This is a big one.

I would love this one. I'm going to love it.

This is intense, okay? Okay.

Hold on, let me put a dip in.

Okay, I quit tobacco. I know you did.

I didn't know that. Sorry, I lied.

Sogo ahead. Probably 23 years ago, I had a TV show where I interviewed Jean Simmons.

From Kiss, the lead singer.

I was the biggest fucking Kiss fan in the world. As a child, Kiss was the... I dressed up as Jean Simmons. I did my talent show as Jean Simmons. I could sing every fucking, Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud. I knew everything, right? I go to... I do... Did you swallow it? I knew water. What a great interviewer he is. I mean, this is like top-notch Oprah shit. Have you ever been watching real-time with Bill Maher when someone's about to... Did you swallow it? It should be noted that I preface this, which I haven't told this story to anybody.

I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. It went down the tube. Okay, go ahead. Shout it, shout it out loud. Let's go. I'm so sorry. I love you. Please continue.

I do a show where I interview Jean Simmons, and he was less nice to me. He was almost horrific, right? I fucking walk away. It was called The X Show. It was a late-night talk show. I walk away. Heartbreaking. I go, It's heartbreaking. It's destructive because you go, Now I can't listen to their music. I have to fucking write off my childhood as a mistake. It really sucks. So cut to this next place is a joke festival. I'm at maybe the Tom braided Roast, I think. Nick Simmons, Jean Simmons' son, comes up to me, and I know nick is friends with Tommy, and he does his podcast, and Nick's really a cool kid. He comes up, he's like, Dude, you're fucking hilarious. I was like, Thanks. I know who he is. I was like, I love getting on a podcast. I think Nick's cool as shit. And he was like, I'd love to introduce you to my dad. I said, I'm good. He went, What? I said, I'm good. I would not like to meet your dad. He goes, Excuse me? My dad's a fan. I was like, Buddy, I had a bad experience with your dad, and I'd rather not meet him.

I said, I'm sorry that I'm doing this. I don't want to be around your dad. He goes, Well, my mom's with him. Hold on. He brings his mom over. I think this was actually at my show. It sounds crazy. I think this was at my show at the forum.

Will you get the fucking story straight? Is it at the Wayne- Because my parents were there.

My parents were there. It's got to be the fucking news show. It had to be my show. His wife comes over, and she comes over, and she's almost giggling. She's with nick, and she goes, I heard my husband was a dick, and I said, he was. She goes, Yeah, Well, let's bring him over. You tell him exactly what happened. I went, No, I actually do not want to be involved in this at all. Why?

At this point now it's-I'm so nervous because also he was a hero of mine.

It is Jean fucking Simmons.

You don't want to double down on the hate.

I don't want to have this moment. I'd rather just never talk to him. Exactly. Okay. I was like, I'm cool. I've already hated him for fucking 25 years. Okay. Jean Simmons walks over with his son and his wife, and he sits over and he goes, I hear that I was rude to you. I said, Yes. He goes, Please tell the story. I went, Okay. In front of his wife and his son and him, I tell the story verbatim as if I was telling it to you and shitting on him on a podcast. He looks at me and he goes, I apologize for my behavior. I hope you'll forgive me. I think you're absolutely hilarious.Oh, my God. I went, You're 100% forgiven. I said, You're the fucking best dude. Thank you for this so much. He goes, Let me pay you. I said, What? He goes, I'll give you $5. He gave me $5. He goes, Are we good? I went, Yeah. He goes, Let me sign it. He signed the $5 bill and he gave it to me. He was like, He was like, The coolest fucking guy in the world. He got me back in a heartbeat.

In a fucking heartbeat. I fucking bent to the knee.

I was like, Fucking, shout it. I looked at his son.

I was texting with his son the next day. I was like, I go, Thank you for doing that. His son's cool as shit. His son was like, This isn't the first time this has happened. Let's make amends.

What if you go, All this is forgiven? And he goes, and spit right in your face. What would you have done?

I would have He fucking laughed hysterically and been like, You got me good. God, I deserve that.

That would have been great.

Yeah, Jean Simmons is a fucking gangster. I've texted with his son a bunch. Can I pitch you an idea?

Okay, go.

We should do a secret podcast that we don't tell our partners about. It'll make them mad. Then we'll just put it on Patreon. It'll make them mad. We'll just put it on Patreon. We'll change our names. It'll be calledBad Bears. It's called Bad Bear.

That's not Bad Bear.

Bad Bears is okay. We should do Bad. Or Two Friends.

I've always wanted to do this as a podcast name, and it'll make him mad, but I still want Riffin without Griffin. It'll make Eric mad, but I've always wanted to do that.

We should do a show. What's the Superman's name? Henry Cavill? Henry Cavill on the Benaflex show, and we'll Me and you do it on a secret on the DL. They'll never know about this.

They will. No, they'll never know. And Andrew will be so mad.

And we do not tell them. You'll probably be mad. It's just on Patreon. We charge 50 cents. We probably charge nothing on Patreon, but we just do it on the DL.

Can we dress differently?

Yeah, and what we can do is we'll just do it over the phone.

No, we got to be eye-eye. I would love to be a person. Anyway, thank you for listening. Thank you for being a bad friend..