Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Bad Customer

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepherd and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

Hi there.

Today we have lots of stories, 4 in fact, of bad, bad customers. Naughty customers.

Bad customer.

I regret not making the prompt naughty customers as opposed to bad. Well, because in fact, one of these people is very, very naughty. Deviant, I would say. We could have done deviant customers.

So creepy.

People have really dealt with a lot of stuff. Yeah.

to be in customer service.

It's, it's a beatdown. It's a beatdown. It's probably one notch under the nurses, what they're dealing with, right? Yeah. Okay, please enjoy Naughty Bad Customers.

Hello!

Hello!

Oh, already a fun accent on the table.

I'm from the UK.

Oh, wonderful. Whereabouts?

Manchester.

Oh, wow.

You love Manchester. Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester, and he loves it.

It's definitely opened my heart to Manchester, for sure.

There's a bit of a competition between the Northerners and the Southerners in the UK, and I'm team Northern.

I'm glad to hear that's still a thing. standard with North and South, because Northern Californians hate Southern Californians, but we love them.

And generally Northerners hate Southerners in the United States.

Yes, there's obviously a very historic North-South issue in the US. So you're from Manchester. Have you ever left?

Yes, I'm only visiting Manchester this time, so I live in Singapore.

Oh my God.

Holy smokes.

What are you doing in Singapore?

I actually run a recruitment company for the shipping industry, for the maritime industry. So it's my own company I actually set up this year. So it's been an exciting year.

Wow.

Congratulations. That's a big deal.

Will you be a spectator at the Formula 1 race that's coming in a few weeks?

Oh yes. We go every year.

There's one in Singapore?

Yeah.

Not only is there one in Singapore, but my dream is if you stay at that hotel with the weird boat on top, you can be in the pool and watch the race.

Cool.

It's a really cool weekend. The vibe is amazing. It's very busy, but it's a fabulous weekend. We don't miss it.

And have you stayed at that place? What's it called, like the Marina Bay or something?

Marina Bay Sands. I haven't stayed there, but you can visit, and they've got a lovely cocktail bar on the top floor with an amazing view. So, you can see the whole of the track pretty much from that bar. It's pretty amazing.

Wow, that's amazing. My mom is dying to go to Singapore.

Oh, yeah? It's been on her list as long as I can I went in '99, but I think it's changed quite a bit.

I've lived there for 8 years now, and even in those 8 years, it's almost unrecognizable. It's changed so much. There's so much building work. It's progressed so much. It's a really very popular destination now to live, to visit.

Okay, so you have a bad customer story.

I do. So this does take place in the UK. It takes place in 2014. I was living and working in London at the time, and I was working in a West End theater, one that showed Mamma Mia! So, just to set the scene a little bit, 3 things that you should know about the story coming up. First of all is it takes place in the summer holidays. So, the theater that I worked in had a deal for one month of the summer holidays where one child goes free per one paying adult. So that month is always crazy. There's loads of kids in the matinee shows. It's a very family-friendly show, Mamma Mia! The second thing to note is that it is also very popular, the matinee show, with hen parties, bachelorette parties.

Oh, I love that.

I've never heard that.

Yeah, I like hen parties.

Me too.

Particularly Mamma Mia! You know, it's a fun show and it sets the day up nicely. And the third thing is that this theater is about 1,100-seat capacity, so it's not huge, but it's not tiny. And most of those 1,100 people turn up to the theater 15 minutes before the show starts. The last 15 minutes before the show starts is mayhem. You're having to make some quick assessments on people. You're looking out for trouble customers, you're looking out for nice customers, and seeing what's going to be happening throughout the next 2-hour show.

And what are some of the red flags when you're looking for a bad customer? Inebriation, is that on the table?

It's high on the list. Inebriation is probably the number one that we're looking for at this stage.

Come on, guys.

Well, sometimes like your wife drags you to this play, you're on vacation and you like get drunk at the pool and you keep thinking you're not gonna have to go to this show, but then there you are and you're pretty hammered.

Exactly. And in the UK, we love a bottomless brunch and the matinee starts at 3:00 PM. So, you have your bottomless brunch. You take your way to the theater.

Oh, what a day!

It's dicey, let's just say that. It's a charity show. I mean, yeah, it's an amazing day if you're having the day.

I just imagine 20% of the audience out cold snoring.

Yeah, exactly.

'Cause they're drunk.

It's happened. This particular day, I am working as an usher in the dress circle. So that's the first layer. You've got the stalls, you've got the dress circle. So I'm an usher. I'm inside the theater, and I have already got a radio call to say I've got a hen party coming to my circle, and they have been put on a watch list already.

Oh my God.

So, they come in, they're having a lovely time, they're okay so far, but they've each got a couple of glasses of wine with them as well that they've been allowed to bring into the theater. That was maybe the first bad choice of the day for the staff at the theater, but we'll look past that. And we get them settled in their seats, and they're having a lovely time. So, I'm seating other patrons, and I look over, and they have managed to sneak an inflatable penis, which they have now blown up.

Oh boy.

I mean, it's not huge, but it's noticeable. And they're now waving it around. There's a lot of kids around. It's a matinee show in the summer holidays. It's very funny. I'm laughing as well, you know, I'm trying to hold it together. And I ask them very politely, can you please pass me the penis?

Sure.

They start to pass it down the row and they Drop it. Oh, incidentally.

That was in quotes for the listener.

The penis proceeds to bounce down the rows.

Oh, boy.

And it bounces all the way down to the stalls, the level below. So, we've got a penis falling from the sky. So, that's caused a little bit of a stir, but that's okay. At least now the penis isn't my problem. That's downstairs' problem. The show begins. The ladies start to have a little bit of fun. You know, they're singing along to the music. They are waving and dancing. dancing, which you'd think would be okay at Mamma Mia, but we had a policy of people pay good money to see a West End show. They pay to see the performers sing, not a bachelorette party singing songs.

I would hate that.

So, I very politely asked them, please, can you not sing anymore? That's part of the policy. You know, we don't allow singing and dancing throughout the show. So, they quietened down a little bit, but then they get more and more drunk with their wine. They're having a great time. And by halfway through the first act, I'm having to call security.

Oh.

It's getting a little bit too much, and people around them are complaining. The policy is that we wouldn't kick them out in the middle of an act. It's too disruptive to the whole theater. So, the bouncers will just come and stand next to the row and look a little bit menacing, and they can see that they're being monitored, and now they should be behaving. It doesn't stop. So, the decision is made that at the interval, they're going to be told They're not allowed to reenter the show. They will be asked to leave the theater. The interval happens. They come out of the seats, they go to the bar where they are refused service. The front of house manager says to them very calmly, we've had some complaints. You're not meeting our policies, and now you will not be allowed to reenter. An argument ensues, of course. They are really kicking off at this point. They're shouting, they're swearing. There's a lot of things going on. It's the middle of the interval, and so the big dog is called in, the theater manager comes down from her office. Now, my theater manager is amazing. She's very calm, she's very stoic, and she doesn't take shit from anybody.

Mm, I love it.

I would listen to her. She scares me. So, she comes down and she has a calm conversation with them, and she manages to get the situation under control. As this has been going on, the second half of the show has now resumed, but there's still this discussion happening in the foyer of the theater. The ladies are very upset, obviously. They want to be allowed back in, or a minimum, they would like a refund, which is never going to happen.

Right.

Things very quickly start to escalate again.

Oh boy.

And they become even more irate. It's notching up, you know, to maybe an 8 out of 10 on the fury scale at this point. And so a decision is made to call the police because at this time it's now been about 30 minutes of them arguing. Once we tell them we will be calling the police to remove them from the theater, it's a group of 5 women, 3 of them leave. They decide, we're not getting mixed up with the police, we're gonna leave calmly. However, the last 2 women, they wanna make a point, they're not leaving. One of the women decides to pull down her trousers—

Oh, here we go, here we go.

And squat, and do a poo—

No!

In the middle of the foyer of the theater. No!

No!

I thought a pee was coming our way.

Me too.

But she was like, no, I'm going full Tonka.

Full number 2.

Oh my gosh. Your theater manager, who sounds like Tom Hardy, that's her vibe, like it gets scarier the quieter she gets. What is her reaction to the poop in the theater?

She's very calm. Actually, throughout the whole thing, she's saying, madam, please, I think I know what's going to happen now. If you could please pull your trousers back up. If you do need to use the toilet, we do have a We do have a toilet. We can facilitate that.

First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry enough.

I think that was just sim— she got herself excited about the cops being there.

But can you imagine being pissed and going, you know what? I'm gonna fucking shit right here. And what are the odds that you would be prepared at that moment to actually—

She's drank so much wine.

Okay, so she maybe has been holding it in.

Yeah, she's been drinking all day.

Okay.

Wine can sometimes get things moving. Wine can have that effect on people.

Loose. Yeah, exactly, Monica.

And so, in the end, after she's done the poo, she pulls her trousers up without wiping.

Ew!

Yeah, what was she thinking? She should have took her sock off.

Ew!

That's the best move.

And walks out of the theater with her friend like nothing ever happened. And that was that.

The cops never—

They didn't arrive in time. We're in a theater. The people won't leave. We're not high up on their list on that Saturday afternoon. So they never arrived in time. They ended up being called off because the woman decided to leave. She did her business and she left.

Whose job was it to then handle that cleanup duty?

The theater manager. She was a believer of, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself.

Oh God, did you stick around and watch?

She got her rubber gloves on. We were all watching.

Oh yeah, because I'm like, I would ask for 2 paper plates from the, the concession stand and I would have tried to Because you're kind of imagining it as like dog poop. That's right.

Yeah.

This is human wine poop.

Was it real loose? Not to get too— did she need a mop or a paper plate?

It wasn't loose loose, but, uh, okay.

Oh, this theater full of children and a grown-ass woman is pooping on the floor.

First of all, I'm very sorry for you and the staff there. No one should have to deal with that, but I do wonder if this story came up during, like, the rehearsal dinner speeches. This person, as vile as she is, is likely a legend now in her circle. Like, do you remember the time Betty dumped at the West End theater and she never broke eye contact with the scary manager? Like, she's most certainly a legend in her circle.

But she wasn't the bride, right?

Do we know?

The bride had a sash. saying bride, and then the rest of them had a sash saying team bride. The bride left when the mention of the police— she hotfooted it out there.

Oh my God. What is a bachelor party called? A rooster party?

Cock party?

A stag do.

Oh, okay. I have made some observations. Certainly men get really naughty on these bachelor parties. That's well documented, and I don't forgive them. But I'm mostly privy to these hen parties that come through Nashville. I have to say, I have observed the intoxication level is harder and quicker and earlier in the day.

You guys agree?

It's an all-day affair into the evening and then the next day, hopefully, if you're there for the weekend.

They can get pretty wild. I mean, I know the men's parties are notorious, but the women's can get pretty wild as well.

I think it's comforting that all people behave like animals.

Different kinds of animals, but yeah. Yeah.

Animals just the same.

Wow.

Amy, what a great punchline. I thought maybe a fight was gonna be the punchline, but the fact that she just pulled her slacks— and not even a dress, slacks. Like, that takes a minute to get down.

Wow.

Yes.

Yeah. And I gotta imagine you were just immediately excited to tell your 5 best friends when you got off work.

Oh, everybody was called. WhatsApp groups were messaged, and it went down in history in the theater. And we saw a lot of stuff in the theater, but I think that was probably one of the worst things that we've seen.

Wow. That's great.

Great story.

That's great.

I'm so glad you witnessed that and were able to tell us about it.

Me too. Me too. It's a good story.

Amy, it's so nice meeting you.

Thank you guys too. I really appreciate the time and lovely to meet you both.

All right.

Well, enjoy your trip home.

Thank you. Have a great day.

Bye-bye.

Alex?

Uh-oh.

We don't want to start off with an uh-oh.

We're in a matching fabric chair.

I'm in my daughter's room.

Yeah, it's kind of a fake lamb wool sitch.

They call that like bu—

Bukkake?

No, I forget what it's called.

We call it Target.

Yeah, also great.

Target, Target. Where are you at, Alex?

I'm in San Jose, California. Good old Silicon Valley.

Close to the Shark Tank?

10 minutes from there.

I had a famous poop there and, you know, there's a little park just— well, our last caller involved the poop. There's a little park immediately to the right of the Shark Tank and it has a little public bathroom, which is great. And I'd been working there all day long when I worked for GM. All of a sudden I was like, oh, I gotta go. And I ran across that park and I got there and They had closed that bathroom for the night, but I had already told my body we are seconds away from deploying.

Oh my God.

And then I had to bounce into the woods right next to the park. And when I saw next to me, remember this story? The sim provided me a huge bag of cotton balls someone left out there, and that's how I cleaned up. Great to meet you, Alex. You too.

And that's not uncommon in San Jose, by the way.

I saw many other deposits while I was in that park.

Oh, I hope you left a bag of cotton balls too. It's like you take one, you leave one.

I didn't use them all.

There was plenty.

Next you just go back.

Later, you know.

So Alex, you have a bad customer story.

Yeah, the saying we have is you remember the good ones, but you never forget the bad ones. Well, I'm a flooring contractor. So if you're remodeling your house, need hardwood, or selling, need carpet, you come to our showroom. We want to design, measure, get installers there. So we're a mom-and-pop shop. I just started. This is my first month, pretty much.

How long ago was this?

Almost 10 years ago.

Okay. Okay.

Fresh out of college, just starting, trying to make Show him I got the juice like Pops does.

Sure, sure.

So a customer comes in, nice Asian lady, probably 65, 5-foot tall. I noticed she's very religious, very touchy.

Oh.

Kind of flirtatious.

Wait, why did you think she was religious? Was she wearing like a cross or something?

Cross, and right away, today's a blessed day.

Oh, got it.

Okay.

Don't you think God's blessed us all?

Oh, wow.

And that's all fun, but that's not really, you know, me.

As Sedaris says, when they say have a blessed day, he feels like he's sprayed by God juice.

Oh.

Yeah. Whatever floats your boat, right?

Yeah.

And in sales, you kind of go with the flow. I'm helping her through the showroom looking at stuff, and I noticed she's kind of very flirtatious. And I'll razzle dazzle, I'll shake and bake to get a sale and entertain it.

Yeah.

But it was kind of the point she's starting to touch your arm. Do you work out? You're so stern and young.

Oh, so far I like this. Yeah, this is fun.

When you first start off in sales too, at least in this industry, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what's right from wrong. You're just trying to people please. So the biggest thing I noticed too is when she leaves, she gives me a big hug. Which is not really common. And she says, I cannot wait to see you, like when I come to her house. Oh wow. A week later, I'm about to go. She shoots me a text the night before saying, I cannot wait to see you, with a heart emoji.

Oh my God.

Wow. Can I ask, did she order carpet or hardwood? What was she in the market for?

She didn't pick yet, but she did end up picking— it's called an LVP, if you've heard of it, kind of a synthetic plastic that's a little cheaper. Looks like wood, fake. I'm on my way there, super nervous. You have no idea what to expect. I don't know the answers to their questions. Right when you pull up, you're like, this place is fucked up. There's shit everywhere in the front.

Oh no.

They have multiple crosses and Jesus statues. She opens the door and right away a few things are off. Right away you smell, right? You smell horrid smell from the house.

Ooh, ooh, okay.

She's wearing a revealing tank top, red lipstick matching her Tank top with pigtails, kind of like Britney Spears.

Oh, she's got like a character.

And then she does her hi, like, welcome in, and gives me a huge hug. I was prepared for the ass-out hug. She doesn't. She goes like full-in grasping. And then I look behind her, there's a ginormous man. I'm talking like 6'8, 300+ pounds, and he's just smiling.

What's his age?

Smiling?

Probably about 40.

Wow.

So are you quickly trying to figure out, is this son or young lover?

What's the dynamic?

What the hell's going on here? What is this relationship?

Have you seen Mindhunter at all?

No. Serial killer profiler.

Looks like him. The worst sounds like him. He's very monotone. So he goes, Alex, it's so good to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Oh, everything's red flags.

Yeah, right.

Shakes my hand. I've never felt something so feminine yet masculine. So he almost shook it as if he was a queen and I'm supposed to kind of kiss his hand, but then turned it into the hardest shake of my life. So as a guy, I was like, I think he's telling me he thinks I'm cute, but also letting me know he's so big I can't do anything about it.

A lot of subtext to the handshake.

Mixed message.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, before I could comprehend this dynamic, I turn and I realize this house is full-on hoarders.

There's gonna need a crew in there for a week before you're talking about flooring.

They need a hazmat crew for us to just do the job. Again, first time trying to get a sale, you kind of push this all out of the way. I'm going to make dad proud today. Then I knew it was immediately off when they started holding hands. I don't know if you've ever had a plumber or someone over your house. You're not going to call your wife, kind of hit on the guy and hold hands 2 feet away and walk the house. So I'm measuring, small talk. Hey, how long have you been here? All these things. Within minutes, the big guy goes, how much is this going to cost? I'm here to figure that out for you, brother. Figure $10,000, $15,000, you know, but we'll see. He goes, okay, we're gonna go discuss this privately. That's awkward, right? So the kicker is they walk about 3 feet away as if it's private. I could still clearly see you and hear you. And a lot of little giggling kind of goes on.

This is so crazy.

This is a good chance for me to get going on the measurement. I could get this house done without talking to them. So I keep hearing them flirt. And the picture is— remember, this The guy's almost 7 foot and she's 5 foot.

Oh, wow.

And there's about a 30 to 40 year gap. So I thought it might be her son who's goofy, but I'm starting to realize, nope, I'm thinking they're lovers.

Okay.

The handholding.

Who's goofy?

I get back to where they're standing. He has his finger on her chin like he's about to kiss her, like in a romantic movie.

Yeah.

And then they're just like whispering and he gives her like a little 2-finger kind of slap.

Oh.

Oh. I'm kind of loving it. I'm like, this is awesome. This is a good story.

And then he winds up and gives her a nice Like, oh, like an actual slap.

Okay.

Oh my goodness.

She's like looking into his eyes in love. And I kid you not, as I walk by, you hear, you like that, don't you, bitch?

Oh my goodness.

I think I need to get out of here, maybe. So I continue my measurement. These people, by the way, would appear and disappear. So I'm walking out of nowhere, you're kind of like, oh shit, they're right there by your shoulder. And they start asking me questions you just don't ask a contractor, like, hey, are you single? What's your partner like? Do you guys like to go out and have fun and drink. Are you hitting on me right now? So I'm at this point rushing. I'm like kind of sweating. Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. Last room's the master. As I'm about to open it, the little lady jumps in front of me and says, oh, we're not gonna go in there right now.

Ew. Oh, right now.

This was the creepiest part. The guy's smiling at me and goes, at least not yet. Yeah, you're like, yo, this is out of a movie. You're like, this is the weirdest scenario I've been in.

How'd they find each other? What a match in heaven.

They met at church, and then they would ask me if I could go to church. They even asked me if I would go to one of their church events and that a group of people hang out after. So my mind's like, I'm not trying to judge a book by a cover, but I think we got a weird swinger— Yes, swinger church thing going on here. Just the basics, right? A little shake and bake.

I wonder what was in that bedroom.

A dead plumber, maybe. A dead—

probably a swing set and stuff like that.

Sure.

And then mind you, there's Jesus stuff everywhere. A shrine of Jesus, candles, just everything.

Poor Jesus. I'm sad he had to witness this.

Me too.

I told them during our discussion how I pulled my back the first day. I don't know if you guys have ever pulled your back. You can't walk. It hurts. So as I'm leaving, they go, please, can we pray for your back before you leave? No, thank you. Like, I appreciate it. And they're being very persistent. Maybe later if you want. I'm not too religious, but thank you. But in the end, I have— obviously, I give in. So I say, what do I do? She says, bow your head and close your eyes. And mind you, when they talk to you— have you seen Obsession yet?

Yes.

That girl does a great job and smiles with her eyes wide open. That's what they both did the whole time. So when they go, can we pray? It's more like, can we pray for you? And you're like, sure. Normal prayer. After like 30 seconds, I realized they started creeping closer and closer to me. So they went from 3 feet, 2 feet, 1 feet. Okay, I'm feeling their breath on me at this point. And I'm not even kidding, I got frozen. I was like, I don't know what to do right now. I look and their heads are right here at my shoulders and I feel like their bodies touching my body.

Oh.

Their prayers started to get weird. It had nothing to do with really God. It was like, give this man the testosterone and strength to prevail. You know, like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And then they start rubbing my back. Like, sensually. This guy has a huge hand, so it's getting real weird. The lady's doing most of the prayer, and the guy would just like kind of compliment her. So if she was like, give this man the blessings he needs to perform, he would just be like, mm, to perform. Oh, and then she starts groping me like on my love handles, like kind of squeezing.

Sure, she loves them.

Pulls herself up to my shoulder because she's short and starts whispering. I can't understand it. And then I find out she's speaking tongue.

If you've ever heard of tongue.

Oh no.

Her lips touched my ear as if she's kind of kissing. And then the hairs on my neck go up. I wake up out of this frozen, whatever.

Suspended state. I'm out of it.

And right away I got back to human and went, hey guys, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not into this shit. I'm rushing out the front door. Big guy's kind of chasing me. They have a little front gate that's half open. I kicked it open, broken, don't care. I'm getting out of here. Get into my truck. Hey, I'll contact you. Just leaving. And then they sit there on the sidewalk, hand over shoulder, both smiling, waving like happy family as if nothing just happened. So I go back to my showroom and all my older employees are 50, 60, done it for decades, having a ball making fun of me. You know, this is not normal. You should have left.

Right.

But the strategy in our job is you could technically fire a customer. So you pretty much just double the price. They're not gonna go for it. You say, no problem. Everyone's happy. Go both ways. So I did that. And ironically, the big kicker is they signed up.

No.

So I was like, that's not fun. I don't wanna do it.

Yeah.

And so about a month later we go, I forewarn all my installers. Don't take shit, don't let 'em touch you, all these things. And there's a lockbox, and he gets in, and he says the house is practically empty. No one's there. No one's living there. No Jesus statues, no nothing. And the odd part is the master bedroom was still locked.

Ew.

Whoa.

This is so weird.

I believe someone tried to pull me in a religious sexual three-way, and it was my first real measurement of my career. So it was kind of like, can't get much worse from here, right?

It's a good first one to have, and you really can navigate everything going forward. Yeah, I gotta say, I have always felt this way. There becomes a fine line between some of these deeply religious folks and satanic worshippers. Like, once you're speaking in tongues and you're, you're involved in orgies, like, aren't we Satanists and culty?

Licking people's ears.

Oh boy.

Wow. So they didn't pay? No one installed anything, I presume?

We installed and she sent a check.

Oh my gosh.

I never saw her Again, and I refused to meet her because she wanted to meet up for coffee so she could give me a deposit. I said, put that bitch in the mail.

Yeah.

I kept it to texting calls. I didn't show up. The guy said nothing was there, but we did the job. And about a year later, they called me. I convinced them to do just materials, purchase the materials and we won't install. So they purchased the materials and And came to the show and picked it up, and it was kind of like the last we ever saw him, thank God.

Wow, Alex, what an experience. I'm kind of jealous.

When you do sales and meet thousands of people, the pros is you meet a lot of people and see how they live. The cons, you meet a lot of people and see how they live, and not everyone's what you think. You get into a house and we've had plenty of issues where someone got killed in a house, no one told us. You go there, there's 13 dead cats.

Oh baby. No one tells you.

You just show up and you get surprised. I live for this. I think it's awesome. As long as you don't get, I guess, kidnapped or hurt. Nothing you can't tell over a drink with the guys.

Oh, Alex, what a lovely story. Thank you so much for telling us.

Yeah, of course, man. Thanks for having us. My wife and I are big fans.

Is she there? Can we say hi to her?

Oh, yes, please. Yes. 38 weeks pregnant. Look at that. She opens the door right away.

I was waiting.

Hi.

Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

Another girl.

Second girl.

Congratulations.

The way to go for sure.

Lovely meeting you guys. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thanks guys. We appreciate it. Fun experience.

All right.

Take care. JB could be either a girl's name or a boy's name.

We know that from my list.

I think it's a girl.

I think it's a girl.

I think it's a boy. Oh, hi.

I won the bet. There was a bet here whether you would be a boy or a girl.

I also won.

You said a girl?

Yeah, Rob said a boy.

Oh, I thought you said a boy too.

No, I just said it could go either way because I just read a list of girl names that are also boy names. Daxton, let me read the whole list.

Bear minus also spells the boy way.

Okay, that's fair to Rob.

Further compounding. Where are you, Jamie?

I'm actually in The Dalles, Oregon, which is right next to Hood River where all your family's from.

I know The Dalles well. We had to go there for Home Depot runs anytime we needed something in Hood River.

Yeah, so I'm actually an esthetician. I just listened to your guys' waxing That's what I do for a living. I was managing a salon, and one day one of my employees calls me that a man had actually booked a male Brazilian, and she did not offer this service. I also did not offer this service, but I had just went to Vegas and learned at like a class on how to perform this service. So I was like, you know what, it's my time to grow up and be a good boss, and I can do this.

Tell me, what is a male Brazilian? Tell us what the distinction is.

It's the traditional, like, Brazilian wax, except for most estheticians don't offer it for men. So that's the only difference.

I don't even know what a Brazilian is.

All hair gone, including your butthole.

Yes. Full genitalia, everything. Every hair there, gone.

I'm already imagining why it's challenging on a man because they have so much butt hair. We're gonna stop at the butt cheeks. That's gonna be a little weird.

And then you see, you see hair on the legs, like their pants.

Yeah, I wouldn't know where to stop if I was applying it around the anus. I'm like, how far out do I take this? But anyways, that's my confusion.

That's for you to think about.

Yeah.

It also was my confusion, but it's also like, I'm familiar with my anatomy. I've been trained on how to handle female anatomy. I had not been trained to handle male anatomy outside of how I'm already familiar with male anatomy. So I really didn't wanna be doing this.

Oh yeah.

The guy shows up and I'm tall, I'm 5'8. This guy is like maybe 5'2, 5'3. So I'm immediately like, oh, thank God this isn't intimidating.

Okay.

I, I wanna interrupt really quickly. Dax is normally the one to do this, but I'm gonna do it. You're very pretty.

Thank you.

Hot.

Yeah, you are.

Yeah.

I'll go further. You're hot.

Okay. Well, I wanted to, I just was trying to, you know.

Yeah. Okay.

Yes, you're hot.

She's trying to be polite.

Yeah, I'm trying to say it.

But I just think in this context, taut's relevant.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yes. And you're gonna be touching a man's penis and pulling on it, 'cause part of waxing, for people who don't know, is like making the skin taut.

Thank God he's little.

Monica is exactly right. It is like a dangerous thing to be doing. I immediately, like, my guard kind of went down 'cause I was like, you know what? The way that he looks, and not to be rude, he might not have ever had his penis touched before.

Oh, even worse. Yeah, this is worse, not better.

I wasn't nervous anymore.

Okay, okay, great.

So we go back there, I start doing my best. I'm trying to run through like everything that I have learned from the class that I had taken on it. Everything is so much different. It's a challenge. I will say I wax women all the time. They sometimes make noises, but not a ton of noises. And if it is, it's like very obvious, like, oh my God, that hurts type of noise. This guy is either dead silent or he is groaning.

Oh boy.

I already knew that it would not be uncommon for them to have an erection during the service, and I was fully prepared for that. I was not prepared though for him to be like pushing himself into my hand every single time I'm touching. He was staring Oh, here the entire time.

You're mouthing.

Yeah.

Okay, Monica's gonna handle—

He'd be like rolling his eyes in the back of his head. And I was like, this is just feeling not professional. I finished the service. I'm like, that doesn't feel normal. I call my boss and I'm like, here's everything that happened. It felt very sexual to me. And she's like, no, you're being sexist. You wouldn't treat women this way. So I go on and I wax this guy for maybe 2, 3 4 times, and each time that I wax him, the reaction to what I'm doing gets like more and more severe. So his groans are louder. He has some leakage.

Oh, oh, okay. Goodness.

Like, we can say it, pre-cum.

Yes, I just didn't want to say it.

I know, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go ahead and say everything that needs to be said today.

Yeah, so I might be tugging her shoulder at some point if I really need something said. But yeah, we'll call that PC. Yeah. Okay.

Wow.

Every time I wax him, I'm again talking to my boss like, okay, he's being so overly sexual each appointment. Then one day I'm doing the service and he completely and fully ejaculates everywhere.

No!

Jesus Christ. I miss most of it. I dodged it very quickly. Some of it gets on me. Most of it goes all over him. It wasn't quiet. It was all very obvious that that's what happened. Mind you, I'm 21.

Oh.

Oh. And I am like, I do not know how to handle this. So I pretend it doesn't even happen.

Oh.

I literally just carried on. Then again, I go to my boss and I'm like, he literally ejaculated And she's again like, you need to just man up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a woman boss?

Yes.

This is insane.

This is a terrible boss. This could be a terrible boss story.

It could. I mean, she needs to be fired.

Does she want to be operating a jack-off booth? Like, is that— does she want this type of client?

Also, then she can do it herself.

Yeah, get her.

A fun fact, this boss was also my stepmother. This even crazier.

Oh my God.

Bad boss, bad stepmom.

Yes, stepmom story. Okay.

Wow.

I'm sorry. Yeah, that's horrible.

It gets crazier. Not for me. This next part is actually for my coworker. So I end up telling her after that, I was like, I'm officially done, though. I cannot handle this. He had also said to me, does it arouse you to cause me pain? Like, this. And I was like, I've got you. I knew this whole time.

Yeah.

What your intentions were here. So fast forward, I don't see him anymore. And he ends up booking with one of my coworkers. And she again reaches out to him to tell him she doesn't offer the service. He doesn't answer. He shows up. He starts demanding that she do the service. She says, nope, I'm not doing it. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. There It was like 5 or 10 minutes worth of arguing about it. He finally leaves. This coworker took the, like, evening shift, so it was pretty common she would be there from 5:00 PM until dark, and she would be alone in the salon. So this day, she's closing up, it's like 9:30 at night, she shuts all the lights off. She had to go, like, up this flight of stairs, and then there's the back door, like, right at the top of the stairs that we would exit out of. And as soon as she opens the back door, he's right there. He pushes her into the building.

No!

And he is like, you're gonna do my wax now. Thankfully, she is very strong, and she was like, absolutely, I'm not fucking doing this. Get the fuck out of here, and I'm gonna call the cops. And that finally was enough to make him leave, and we never saw or heard from him ever again.

Ew.

But he's just prowling around the Dal?

Probably. And Dax, are you familiar with like Bingen?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

He worked for that company, Insitu.

Oh, sure, that makes the drones.

Yeah, he's all around.

Oh boy.

Oh boy, Jamie, I'm so sorry.

Horrible.

Yeah, this is beyond bad customer. This is criminal customer.

Okay, we got bad stepmom prompt. We got bad We got sexual assault prompt essay. This is wild.

And of course, tell us about a short guy.

Um, we're probably not gonna do that prompt.

Was that your only dust-up doing that stuff? Did you just go like, I'm not doing dudes ever again? No, that's not the only dust-up. Do women ever act inappropriate?

No, never.

I like that answer.

That was a dumb question.

I officially no longer offer male Brazilians because every single one that I have done has ended up either kind of stalking me or doing something inappropriate at some point. So it's a no for me.

Yeah, I hate to stereotype, but if I were you, I'd only do small gay men. I'd have to go like, well, are you small and are you gay? If so, I'll do it, and otherwise, absolutely not.

I know, but Even still, I feel like just stay away from these men's penises, you know?

Men should have to do the— although there's not enough. I imagine when you go to these Vegas conventions for anesthetists, very few are men, I'm guessing.

I've never met actual male anesthetists.

Yeah, I've never seen one either. But also because, yeah, because women aren't going to a male anesthetist.

Right, right. You can only do dudes.

Yeah. And then not very many dudes want it. And then the dudes want the women because they're gross.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. This is tricky. Maybe barbers could start offering it.

That's right.

Okay.

Well, I'm so glad you made it out of there and I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. You tried.

Is that woman still your stepmom?

No.

Yeah.

Good. Yeah. Yes.

Well, it's a delight to meet you.

Yeah.

I could have bumped into you in the Dales back when my mom was in Hood River.

I've been waiting and waiting and it just never happens.

Do you ever eat at Solstice Pizza?

Yes, all the time.

What a place, huh?

I want pizza.

It is such a great place.

That might be the number one thing I miss about my mother having left Hood River.

What kind of pizza did they have?

Oh, it's like organic, premium ingredients, tons of fun options.

Oh, yum.

Very organic-y, healthy pizza place. What are you giggling about?

You just keep saying organic over and over again.

I do.

I don't know any other—

I'm not giving any other description of what this is, but it sounds It's great.

It's delicious.

Really quick, I did want to say, I feel like I hear you, Doc, say all the time about how nobody ever knows who you are outside of Kristen Bell. And I wanted to say that I knew you way before I ever even knew who Kristen Bell was, because Without a Paddle is one of my all-time favorite movies.

Well, that delights me to no end. And maybe you should try out for the Savannah Bananas, because that's the other folks who seem to have watched Without a I was just talking about this today. Jamie, it's so nice meeting you.

Yes, thank you.

Take care.

Oh my gosh.

Hello.

There we go.

Is this Kyle? Let us take in your environment.

You're a teacher.

Came for the podcast, staying for the therapy.

Oh my God. Listener, not only is that written behind him on some white background.

Dry erase.

There's also 2 cute little cherries above. You're so meticulous and borderline OCD. Even the stems go outward. I noticed that. That's very pleasing.

Cannot take full credit for that one. I may have some other arm cherry fans in here who helped out.

Kyle, where are you?

I'm actually at Rush Medical University here in Chicago, Illinois. I'm in the respiratory care program here. So loving it.

We love doctors and nurses.

I'm so honored that all these smart people are listening to us.

And with that being said, you know, we gotta— Oh, he's putting on his medical jacket.

Oh my goodness.

Wow.

Oh wow. This is great. So you're teaching?

I am not teaching. I'm a student. I just started my clinical rotation. So in the final year of it all. Congratulations.

How are you holding It's a beatdown.

Yeah, sleep is a rare thing to get. Like, we battle through.

And they used to let residents take amphetamines. No, that's what my understanding is.

Something like that. Okay, but hey, pleasure meeting you guys. I'm excited to tell you my stories. Let's go back to the year of 2020, the infamous year 2020. I like to say mine got a little bit more interesting. So this is around October. I was not in school. I was just working as a bartender at this martini and wine bar, pretty high-end You know, typical place you bring your first date.

What city?

Bloomington-Normal, central Illinois, right smack in the middle.

Okay. Rob, have you ever passed through?

Yeah, it's like 3 and a half hours south of Chicago, right?

Okay, great.

Yeah, small little city. Pretty cool. But anyways, I'm at this restaurant. My manager had just left, so I was kind of like the manager on duty. We had a new bartender, and I was just like, you know what? Yeah, I'll stick around. I'll help him close up. So we've got all our regulars at the bar, you know, this time of night. We got this one guy who's like a professional poker player. online. So he's always at the bar with his martini, sipping on that, playing. And he's got a good buddy who we call Big John. He's like 6'7, 280. He's like bouncer at all the different bars around town, so everybody knows him. So we're all just hanging out, and then this guy walks in, and immediately you're just like, okay, doesn't seem like the type that would come in here, but whatever, sure. So he walks up to the ends up ordering his drink, and I see him bickering with the bartender over the price, I think it was. 'Cause, you know, he ordered it on the rocks, and typically we pour extra if it's a rocks, and it comes with a little surcharge.

Nothing crazy. I think the total cost of the drink was like $12. Well, he starts arguing about it. So the poker player's sitting right there, and he's like, hey, man, I'll buy your drink. Just get away. I got my computer here. So what does the guy do? He takes his drink, and he slams it on the computer. Computer just—

Oh, my God.

You know, shatters.

Oh!

The poker player just throws his hands up like, dude, what the heck just happened? And then Big John picks this guy up and is carrying him out. And I'm just like, oh, come on, the manager just left and I gotta deal with this. And I'm like, John, you don't work here, can't really be touching other customers. So I run outside, they're arguing, yelling at each other. John, I tell him to go inside, he goes inside, and this guy just won't stops screaming. And I'm like, dude, calm down. And he's like, dude, I'm not paying for it. I'm like, I'm comping your thing, just leave. And he's got his hand behind his back like he's ready to sucker punch somebody. And, you know, at this point everybody's outside with their phones recording.

Of course.

It's like, you know, what's going on, you know? And all of a sudden it comes to the side and I'm like, what the hell is he holding? Is that an ax?

What?

And I'm just like, boom. Whoa.

He had a hatchet tucked in his waistband?

Sure enough, I found out later it was a hatchet, but he had a hatchet on him. So immediately panic settles in. First of all, this is all over like a $12 drink. So I turn around, I'm like, everybody get inside, get inside. So I close and lock this door. So when I had my back turned, all of a sudden I just feel something hit me right in the back.

No.

And my first instinct's like, tell me He did not just hit me with that thing. Because at first, you know, the adrenaline— it didn't hurt. Like, it just felt like he punched me. I reached back, feeling around, and all of a sudden I feel some wet. I turn up, can feel like maybe a little shoulder bone. Oh, my hand just completely red.

Oh my God, this is a fucking psycho.

Yeah.

You got to be so deranged to hit someone with an ax. That's a step beyond shooting someone.

Here's a hatchet. So I immediately just fall to the ground. Big John is like freaking out because he thinks it's his fault. And I'm like, Kind of is, dude. But anyway, besides the point, put some pressure on my back, dude.

Does the guy run?

Oh, he was gone like in a split second. Well, I'll get to that. So everybody's drunk. Remind you that I'm like the sober one there because I'm the only one who was working at the time. So everybody's drunk. I've got a girl screaming, just breathe, just stay with me. I'm like, get away and call 911. Yeah, what are we doing? So he's like, what can I get for you? What can I get for you? I'm like, can you give me a pillow? Like, give me something for my head. Sure enough, the ambulance picks me up. We get to the hospital in like record time and I have like an Aisle of people, you know, ready to take care of me. The police officer walks in, try to get some information real quick, and I'm expecting an answer and, you know, fill out a statement. But he goes, hey, we got him. I'm like, you got him? I was like, how'd you get him so fast? So apparently somebody had gotten stabbed 5 minutes before I did. So they had police out looking for somebody already, and they found this guy running across. They're like, huh, let's go talk to him.

Oh my God.

He was on a spree.

Yeah, it was that one with also a hatchet.

So I'm not sure, he ended up ditching the hatchet, but he still had the holster attached to his belt, so that's how they knew it was him. But it gets a little lighter. So the doctor there, as he's, you know, looking at the wound— they had to clean it like 3 times, did not feel good, that will wake you up— but where he hit me was kind of funny because I have a couple tattoos on my back, and one of which is a mom And he nailed me right on the mom tattoo. So my surgeon's stitching me up. He's like, this is kind of easy. I can line it up. He goes, hey, looks like mom had your back that night. 6 inches to the right, could have hit me in the back of the head or the spine. Half inch deeper, could have hit an artery. So I got super, super lucky.

Oh, and I am assuming he hit you with the blade side and not the blunt hammer side of it.

Yeah, I sent a picture, Rob. It was a tactical hatchet.

Oh, that's a terrifying hatchet. And okay, now I'm looking at the open wound.

This is not— when I heard hatchet, I imagine like wood and like, you know, like old-timey.

Yeah, like lumberjack ass.

Exactly. But this is like a straight-up weapon. It's just a crazy weapon.

Yeah, it looks like something you would see in a kung fu movie or something a warlock would carry or one of these crazy militia people. But look at the size of this fucking thing.

Oh, let's see.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

Yeah, looks good, doesn't it?

10 stitches.

Oh, it is a deep—

and for the listener, it's the full width of your scapula, like your whole shoulder blade. That's about the same size, right?

Oh yeah, very, very lucky. Mom definitely had my back. Yeah.

Well, Kyle, though, I can relate to you because I got hit in the, the back with a crowbar by a cab driver. Insane. It doesn't hurt at all when it happens. You're just like, you register that something has hit your back and you continue running. If you're in my— you were in my situation.

Yeah.

And then back at the house, you're like, oh my God, there's a fucking huge egg on my back. Yeah.

Yeah. I felt like I got hit by a train. The adrenaline was off and the morphine. It was rough.

Did you follow the prosecution of this gentleman? Shouldn't say gentleman. This motherfucker. Piece of shit.

He ended up only getting 5 years. I came to peace with it. It was like, he didn't kill me.

He had a lot of mental issues going on.

So he did his time. But get this, as soon as he gets out, I was like, you know, for craps and giggles, I ended up looking him up. He ended up molesting a minor. It was like 14 or younger. So now he's at a halfway house in Chicago, and it's just like, are you kidding me?

He's not back in jail for that?

That dude is such a problem.

Oh my God.

Okay, well, we have these strays in our society.

Yeah, for it being like the worst thing that could have ever happened in my life, it honestly ended up turning out to be one of the best things in a sense. I mean, I ended up deciding to go to school full-time when it was over because I had nothing else but to think about my life and my life choices. Got into the medical field. Here I am with a white coat now. I ended up just getting on this reality game show called The Shift. I know, Monica, you're a fan of The Pit.

Love it.

So this show called The Shift, it's the same concept. It's like 12 hours and every hour is a different competition. Oh, my season comes out October 20th, so definitely check it out on YouTube.

I will definitely be watching that.

The shifts.

This is exciting.

You'd be like, that's the hatchet guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Last follow-up question. Your manager had already left, which put you in charge in your 20s, and then you get hatcheted and they take you away. So I'm assuming the bartender was left behind to run the show.

Who was at the On the video, you just see him. He just puts his hands like this and he's just shaking his head the entire time it's happening. He's got his hands on his head. I ended up talking to him. He quit, uh, like a couple weeks after this. He was like, that was too much, man. It was too much. I never thought it would happen somewhere like that. I'm like, yeah, I guess it's not for everyone.

Wow, that is really wild. So it worked out.

Exactly. Yeah, I got great supporters. If you don't mind, I've got 2 who would love to say hi.

Bring them in.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm his girlfriend. He told me this hatchet story on our first date, like it was going to be an impressive story to, like, attract me.

Well, it worked.

Clearly it worked.

It really kind of worked.

We've been together. It's been 4 years. I didn't know him back then.

Oh, I love it.

Wow.

And how about our second friend here? What's your name?

My name's Bridget.

I'm his sister.

Something he failed to mention was my name is also tattooed on his back.

Oh my goodness.

But I did not have his back that night.

Wow.

A real family moment.

Yeah, I like this little triumvirate here. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys.

Yeah, thanks for chatting.

Thank you so much.

It was great to meet you guys.

Yes. All right, take care.

Bye.

Bye. Whoo! Hatchet to the back.

That's tough.

That's a shitty customer if they drive a hatchet in your back.

Have you ever read the book Hatchet?

No.

I think it's a book from like when you're a kid and it's a boy. And I like, I know the COVID and I also Let's see. Yeah, this. Does this ring a bell?

No, but it's a pretty cover. Yeah, it's got the old-timey hatchet you were thinking of, not the assault hatchet.

That's why his plane crashes and then he has to live, you know, and he's just got his trusty hatchet. Yeah, that's right.

Grateful they let him bring a hatchet on the airplane. Yeah, I don't think you can do that anymore.

All right, well, that was wild.

Yeah, that was wild. Twisty and turny.

Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

We don't have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the Flyer Rhyme Dish, on the Flyer Rhyme Dish.

Enjoy.