Transcript of BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2024

Do you see that thing with the mayor? Do you see that thing with the mayor of New York? No. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah, this is it right here. Do you see this? Eric Adams, he teaches. What was he saying? They're teaching kids how to- They're teaching parents how to search your kid's room to find drugs and gun stuff. Did you see this? You can look in the jewelry box. A jewelry box of this nature. It's maybe a simple jewelry box, but if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. For instance, a gun. That's from the state of New York. Look at the picture, please. The fucking government was like, make it scary as fuck. Hold on, hold on. Start it over. Yeah, that music is crazy. We're going to scare the fuck out these people. It almost seems like the story before Castlevania. So It starts on a video game. A jewelry box. Yeah, this is the opening menu. Yeah. But if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. For instance, a gun. Look at picture frames, look behind them. Cameras.

Try to determine what's taking place? Behind a picture frame, you can find bullets. You should always, when your child brings in his- This is a video game. That's where you find bullets in video games. Look through it to see- Look through his knapsack, you might find a grenade. In addition to a book, something simple as a crack pipe. Something simple as a baby doll. What great is a kid? This is just a baby doll, but also it could be a place where you could secrete or hide drugs. You could secrete. Bro, this is the mayor. That's unusual. Like a puddle like this with a button is a perfect invitation to hide something. I felt something bumpy. I would reach in, see what it is. God only knows. I'll tell you this, man. Those Doornails people see some shit. Oh, God, dude. In India, they have a cast of people called the Untouchables.Do they really?Yes. You just can't fuck with them. You can't go near them. You see them and you look away. That is No, don't take offense to this. But it is when I encounter a food delivery person in the wild, I look away.

No. I will look away. Damn. You don't feel like you're one of them? A food delivery person? No. Yeah. There's so many other jobs. I just feel like if you're delivering DoorDash, I just inherently... Here's the thing. I love them as a person. They're a child of God, but they're in so much pain. A lot of times you can see they're in pain. I can't see. Really? They're just listening to Scott Stapp, usually. I don't feel like- I think some of them are in pain. It's tough. It's a hard... I just It's hard for me to see and look at. It's just hard for me to look at. We got a love fellow in the house today, Raleigh Mao. How are you, brother? Doing well. Have you blasted that corn stalk yet? You popped that corn stalk or what's going on with you, Daddy? How's your love life, bubba? Get us the latest, man. Well, I almost had something happen yesterday. No. Yeah, it was during the Super Bowl. A friend of mine invited me. Okay. We were hanging out and everything was great. This other guy shows up. No. You met up with the girl?

No, we were just at a bar. Okay. You're at a bar? And- And a dude showed up? Yeah. No. Yeah, I saw him and I knew something was going to happen. And what was he wearing? Was he dressed pretty well? He just had slacks on and nice jacket. Fuck him. I Did he know that you were there with her? Yeah. He rode in, right? Okay, so he shows up. Now, what do you do? Are you posturing a little or what happened? I'm just chilling. I'm sitting next to her and everything's going great. I get up to use the bathroom. Once I get back, he's- That's normal, dude. Going to make toilet. That's normal. Go on. He's in my seat next to her. What the F? A white guy? No. Wow. Wow. A mixed guy? Yeah, more darker. Okay. A lot of the black girls in our town and stuff would get knocked up by the black guys at a young age. So all of our black girls disappeared at around 13 years old and got pregnant in our area. And then they come back and they're just different, or they just... Yeah, they have a child now, or they have baby milk on their shoulder or whatever.

They were just more advanced. The black kids in our school were more sexually advanced. They just had sex earlier and stuff. So I think that was intimidating. The black girls were intimidating because they had more experience. It's funny. Sometimes you talk to a black guy, I got head when I was 10, you're like, What? For real? Yeah, sorry, dude. It's okay. This place just went out of business. We're good. We were 16, 17 when we hooked up. You all met at a carnival? Yeah, she worked for somebody, and I was working out there, and she worked for a friend of mine, another family. Let me dart that balloon. She was actually pregnant when we hooked up already, too. Really? Yeah. Wow, that seems illegal. That's crazy in the eyes of God, but I don't know. We're still friends. I mean, Raquan, her son, works for me now. Oh, yeah, really? Wow. Yeah, her son works for me? Was the drug use out there? A little bit. Yeah. Just a little bit. Most of the time, I'm the server. You're on the line? Yeah. I like to be on the line because I know how fast I could go.

Even if I dropped stuff, I just keep on going. Oh, yeah. No? Just keep on going, just like your lunch lady, Annie. Well, we had a couple of good lunch ladies. We had this one lady we had named Sarge, actually, and she was, I think, she loved ladies, I'll say that. Oh, yeah. We had this other lady, Ms. Moncrief. She'd always be like, make sure to get you sped a getty. That's what she called it. You sped a getty. Get Get your spedigit. She would yell at us. That's funny. She'd be like, get you a spedigetty. And instead of saying cake, she would say, this is crazy. But she would say, cack. So she'd be like, and get you a cut of I'm walking the cack over there. See, I think we all have to be a little nuts to be over there so long around everybody. Sure. Most think I am a little off, but it's okay because I've accepted that a long time ago. Dude, Shonie's I remember for $11, you could stay at the place, right? For $15, you could stay and eat, right? So it was that $4 upcharge, you got that buffet.

Shoni's had an in, and we would go, bro. They also had this premier buffet for two more dollars. You could go. They had this roped off area of the buffet, and down there they had fucking salmon or whatever, damn special pickles, salmon, honeydew melon. I Shit, you've never seen fucking gay watermelon. You know what I'm saying? They had all this special shit. When you're a kid, all that shit's nice until you get older and you're like, Why am I eating this shit? I'm going to fucking die. Look at the people around me. Look what they look like. And here I am with them about to die. Now, Willy, what would it take to get you to cheer for another team? That is a question I would like to know, man. What amount of money would it take? Couldn't take no money. I'm going to die hard What amount of put would it take you? No put to nothing. I'm a Die Harder Tide fan. Now, what if a woman came, and I'm talking a lady came over from Texas A&M. I'm talking a lady rides up in a A poor vet, Willy. What did the tits look like?

With some of that real... She got some titties, looked like two angry dogs trying to chew on your cock. Tell me this, she got that cuda on her, that Yeah, I've seen some of them at the airport. Yeah, baby. And what do you... Oh, man, did someone have one? God, nobody. Praise God, baby. Had one down there and a choke of mute. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It was a nice building. They did have a pool in the building. That was pretty cool. I was learning to play guitar at the time, and so I would go in there. Every now and then, he'd have a check stay over, and I'd go in there and play Teasing. The song about Eric Clapton's Son Dying. That was about? Yeah. That's the song you would play while the guy was getting me. It's about his fucking son falling out of a window. What? Yeah. No way. How was his son? Was he in the military? No, he was like a little ass kid, dude. It's a tragic song. Oh, dude. Sorry. Sorry, Eric. Did It happens to lie. He's alive, yeah. Oh, man. So your friend's dad who's giving you shelter is getting, see, with one of his eight Viagras, and he has to battle that Viagra's up against that old man's LED and the saddest song, one of the saddest songs of the '90s.

A poor rendition, by the way. There's no way you were good at it. You're butchering it, and it's sad as shit. Bink, bink. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bink, bink, bink. Bink, bong. Oh, so my bad. Bink, bink, bong, bink, bink. Would you know my name? Dude, but I would go in there, and one time after they would request me to come back in. Wow. You were the music for them fucking. There used to be a show. It was like Amish, something Amish. Something Amish. Good show. This one dude. Something on me. This one dude kept mowing his grass. He had to use that old-school cutter, this spinning thing. The spinning wheel thing? Yeah. And he's like, This sucks. I was adopted. I'm not even supposed to be Amish, he said. I'm not even supposed to me. Jury is fucking hilarious. It's like a flight that never takes off. You're just sitting there. Man, I wish you could pick your cases. I wish they had a menu like, Oh, here's the cases they're doing today. Because then I could see if I want to pretend like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it.

Oh, Oh, yeah. You got to... Yeah. I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist. What T-shirt are you wearing? And last time, they were like, We have so many racist here today. We still have to ask you guys a couple of questions. We got to filter through that, see how racist you are. We just go and grab a random group of a hundred of America's dumbest people and be like, Hey, sit in this room. We're going to use 10 of you to assault this murder. It blows my mind. Well, the craziest part about it is This bitch works at a Leslie's pool supply, and now they're fucking in charge of a murder. Now they're trying to figure out who killed Kennedy right here. Some guy's like, I don't know the difference between a cucumber and a pickle. You want me to on this side on this jury? This is a Fudrucker's manager. You ever been in a Pyramids game? No. I've been in a couple. My buddy won his family's football It was like their NCA, their college football pool they did every year. He won us like $600, dude. He was so excited.

He could have changed his life. Instead, his mom convinced him to buy a Christmas village of rare Christmas village houses. Oh, yeah. They're back. They're back. They're happening right now. My buddy, to this day is-He's big into Christmas houses. No rent, rent in much. The tenants don't make much noise. The streetlights are always on. Electric bills low. Running into a lot of issues. But God, that just broke him, man. He never recovered from that. Dude, I met a dude yesterday in Tennessee. He said he took out a $800 life insurance policy on his wife. $800? That's pretty insulting. Well, yeah, that's what I felt like. When I say I know that I was probably a kid and there was people that worked where I live with my... And I think they did crack. That was a rumor. But I don't really know what crack does. It's a functional... The My Pillow guy. He does crack? He did it his whole building the pillows. Really? Yeah. Oh, so good things can come out of it still. There are crack success stories. Oh, yeah. That's a good story. You know what I'm saying? Oh, wow. Is that what the secret is?

It's like crack in there. They dust a pillow with crack before they ship it. People are like, Oh, this is the best fucking pillow I've ever had in my life. This is my pillow. You can't have that shit. It's like crack Bay, that guy like this. There's a guy on the assembly line just like as they pass. I was going to say probably I wish meth had a birth control aspect to it. But I would go whiteclaw. I think it does. I think when you smoke meth, just everything dries up. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's true. I never smoked it. I always wanted to smoke crack. I never got to smoke crack. God damn. Did you ever smoke it? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, fuck, yeah. No way. Dude, my body figured I was tweaking, and they showed me how to... They're like, You got a light bulb? And I'm like, Yeah. And so they showed me how to take the little silver thing off the bulb and you can take it out, and then you put some warm saltwater in there and swish it around. You get all that white shit off the bulb. Then you got a nice clear bulb.

Then you just tap some shit down in there and you can burn it and smoke it. So whatever. I hit the shit. All of a sudden, Where's my guitar? I want to play guitar so bad. So for two days, I sat there and playing. Two fucking days. I didn't eat. I don't even think I got pissed. It was insane. Then Two days later, somebody finally snaps me out of it by knocking on my door. It was my friend, Brandon, Brandon Lauer. I hear the knock on the slider door, and I'm like, Oh, fucking. I put my guitar down on that. I'll be right back. I hate to leave you like, I wanted that guitar so bad, still after two days straight of playing it. I all go open the door and my friend, Brandon's there. He's like, What the fuck's all over your face? I'm like, What? I go in the bathroom and I look in the mirror and my face is all green, and I'm like, Oh, fuck. I thought it was from the meth or something. It was like, Oh, no, my skin's turning green. I was playing my guitar for so long that the bronze on my strings had gone to my fingers and I had touched my face.

I green shit on my face from my guitar strings, and I was so twacked out. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I took this girl home on the bar the other night. Something caught me. It was just different. Something different about her. She was shy, but I liked her. I got her home, and when we pulled her pants off, she had nipples on her butt cheeks, man. It was so strange. I didn't know how to feel about it. Nipples on her butt cheeks? Wow. How to feel about it? Feel about it with them hands, baby. What are you talking about? Those are extra tits, bro. Now, I wouldn't motor boat them, or you're going to end up in some dirty oil. You feel me? But those are extra tits, brother. It's great to challenge yourself and to push new limits and go to different heights, you know what I'm saying? And be tough on yourself. But you also got to give yourself some grace. That's where that balance come in. If you down and you all the time, how is that going to make you feel down, depressed? Oh, my goodness. Now I got to do this.

Now I got to do that. Now I got to revert to this. Versus like, man, okay, I didn't fail. Okay, I'm not the only person to fail. You know what I'm saying? Okay, how I get up out of this? Who I need to talk to to get up out of this? You know what I'm saying? My lawyer, usually. You're never supposed to say you're competitive, but there's been a lot of music biopics, and I wanted to do a great fucking job, man. I love Bob Dylan. I love this artist. None of this is for granted. This is a little misconception about actors, too, in acting. You can have a cushy job on a TV show. If you don't give a fuck about your work, it could be a great lifestyle, right? You're making high six figures, maybe low seven figures, and you're just showing up when you want. If you give a fuck about what you're doing, these are long-ass days. You know what I mean? These are 14-hour days, six days a week sometimes, three months. Look, I know people got it way harder, but I want to feel that grit. I want I feel it.

I hope people don't laugh at it. I feel like I'm the hardest working man. Anyway, maybe I shouldn't say that. You respect what you do. Yeah, because you got to. What else is the point? I talk about this with friends a lot. This is too weird a lifestyle to be Nonchalant about. Yeah. Why do this? If you're not going to go as hard as possible. What do you guys see on the cameras? Did you guys ever catch anybody having sex or anything like that? We've seen a lot on camera. I've seen people getting head. I've I've seen it all. Oh, yeah. That's one vote for Trump right there. But we had a direct incident with one of our guards. Okay. And what rank was he? He was a no-striper. No-stripe. He was a no-stripe. He was a baggy-pant, Dickey-wearing guy like me. Good guy, though. But he was messing around with the girl from Cineban. He was? Yeah. The girl from Cineban, we were watching her go from Cinnabon to the parking lot to her car. Okay. But she was walking with a guy. Oh, she's walking with a guy to a car. I think he was one of the employees from the movie theater.

He goes in there. We could clearly tell they're doing some shit. He leaves. Within five minutes, somebody else comes walking up It was a regard. He gets in the car. They start doing their thing. Was it a Honda Accord? It was a Nissan Altima. Yeah. Altima. For sure. The company starts growing, right? In In addition to people helping each other get jobs, people were helping each other. People were starting relationships on there. I went on dates off of Craigslist before. I would use casual encounters, too. That was sometimes I met a girl one time and we watched a Nets game and made love, honestly, and she let me sign her cast. We had a great time. I think we dated for a little bit. There's no accounting for taste. Yeah, but I'm glad. I'm glad you guys were successful. Yeah, I know. Who wants to be a Nets fan? I need Caleb Presley biblically, and that's your best friend. I just texted with him today. Special guy. I have a crush on him that's like, it's bad. Really? Because he's another SEC boy, right? He went to- North Carolina. Yeah. You're kidding. Why is he...

He's like a volunteers fan. But he is a volunteers fan. He says he played at North Carolina. He didn't. But- He's a liar and a cheat. True, but he's handsome. It is true. He is extremely unique. You guys are similar, I think. You guys would have a really nice time. We do look alike. You think? We look a little related. I think maybe it's true. You guys both have blue eyes. Yeah. You have blonde hair. Yeah. I have the same facial hair as him. Have you been married before? No. No. It was your first marriage. I've had three really long term relationships. I had already felt so fucking terrible about cheating on girls. I always got caught. Inevitably, I got caught. I can't remember those phone calls trying to explain why it didn't You didn't care? Was there anything worse than that? Oh, my God. Well, it's tied with driving to someone's apartment to tell them that you're breaking up. I mean, those two for me, I've had a lot of motor I take them a million times before I'd ever drive to someone's apartment and just say, I think we're in different places. Yeah, and they're like, No shit.

Sometimes I have a tough time feeling proud of myself. Do you know what that... I think I've had other people call in our show that have talked about that. What do you think it is? I don't know. I feel like... I almost feel like there's a disconnect. It doesn't even land on me. Or I feel like maybe if I feel like I'm proud of myself, if I actually feel proud of myself, it'll go against some script that I've always had written or something that was always written inside of me. It's almost like if I wrote on the wall of myself, I'm proud of you, it wouldn't even fucking show up on the wall. What emotion would you feel if you saw that? What emotion would I feel if I saw what? I'm proud of myself. Would you go, Bullshit. Would you be pissed off by it? Would you be annoyed? No, I think I'd feel ashamed of myself for even thinking it. That's It's interesting. It produced an emotion in you just now, even when you just thought about it, I saw that flash in your eyes. It's just a little bit of water, a little bit of fluid.

Oh, yeah, dude. Fuck, we cry on you every week. Sorry, dude. That's beautiful. No, it's okay. But we don't have any shame about that. No, you shouldn't. But I'm liquid leaving your body in a public place as long as it's through your eyes, it's not a problem. That's what I'm talking about. Don't ask, don't ask. That's right. All this ditty stuff going on, man. What are you doing? I'm sure glad that I didn't hang out with him, right? You never were in his universe. I met him, right? I've met them, right? I've met them, right? I've met them, right? I've met them, right? I've met them, right? Yeah. But never went out. Is it scary when people get to a level of wealth that they can have anything? What is some of that? I'll get invited to these parties, that a really nice house and stuff. But there'll be 50 servants, five people to answer the door, six people that just specialize in toast, right? Just ridiculous shit. And all over, I'm like, How do you live like this? Because it's bad enough. I have too big a house. And so you have to have people there to clean it and stuff like that.

There's no privacy just with that. There's people that will have 10 people in the house at all times. I don't see how they live. Dude, I remember when I first got a clean lady to come once a week, I helped her the first month. I felt horrible. You felt horrible, right? Dude, Trump. Yeah, man, insane. Took the hit, though. It was crazy, dude. That image. Him yelling, fight. Yeah, fight. My God, dude. I I didn't know. Put that on the American flag. Yeah. Put that right where the stars are. This fucking dude. Now, this could be easily an actor. That's me. That is me with one of those silicone masks on from him. It's like the Guy Fiery hat that you buy at the store that comes with the hair. His face is going, Well, he was up there. We was yelling. They didn't know. But we could hear him. We walked up. Oh, it is a fake hat. Probably 5 to 7 minutes of Trump speaking. I'm estimating here. I have no idea. He's got Chew-in, too. Big old dip. He got Chew stuck in his neck. We noticed the guy crawling, bear crawling up the roof of the building beside us, 50 feet away from us.

We're standing there, we're pointing at the guy crawling up the roof. And he had a gun, right? I'm going to call this you out. Go do something, dude. Yeah, what are you doing? You're pointed at him for two minutes when you're fucking just finishing a beer? Fucking 50 feet away. God gives you one chance to be a fucking hero, and instead, you pop open another fucking Bush light, dude. Both of these gentlemen are just interesting creatures. These are actors, dude. This is a fucking the backup, dude. They got this dude off of Timo, this announcement. Look what he's even using to interview him. Yeah. It's a mop. It's not even a microphone. That's a Swiffer. What is the current immigration policy? Is that a fair question? It depends. Again, it's so vast. Are you coming over here as a tourist? Then you get a visa for six months. I see what you're saying. If you're coming here to work, you got to get a work. You got to have a passport and a worker visa. Now, there are so many types of visas, from entertainment to family to work. It really just depends on what it is you're after.

If you're You come in here and you have a valid passport and you want to be a tourist for six months, you get a tourist visa and you get it stamped and you fly in or drive in, you come to the Port Aventure, and you're free to move out the country for six months. If you overstay, then you could be deported. Why do people not want to use the legal pathways to immigration? It takes too much time. The line's so long. You're my mother's absolute favorite, dude, just because, this is why, she's probably never heard any of your music, but because you say what you want to say. I came out with my little fingers on my CDs running my mouth. It's like, I always say, and I sound redundant, probably, but I haven't changed. The times have changed. I've been doing the same thing since day one. Dude, you know what? I think that's really true about you because sometimes I think some things you say, I'm like, it seems like the... Sometimes I'll be like, that seems outdated, but the truth is just the times have changed. I was talking cash money shit since I was broke when I was I've talked cash money shit.

I probably came out of the womb talking cash money shit. Yeah. They're like, it's a boy, it's a girl. It's somebody talking shit. That's all we know. Crazy, dude, just because Obviously, so many people tell you all the time, Dr. Feel Good, just so much of just like, me, my brother would beat me to you guys's music. That's crazy. Yeah. I was the drum dude. I was a snare for my brother, and it was awesome, but it was loving. It was like, How bad was it when addiction hit you guys as band and stuff? Was that pretty crazy? When you're looking around and you're seeing the guys in your band, everybody's this close from not waking up again. That shit. You've reached a level of doing crazy shit. When you're shooting fucking Jack Daniels in your arm because you ran out of heroine, when you could just drink the fucking Jack and be like, Oh, I'm just fucking drinking. We're out of heroin. But if we shoot it, it'll be fucking better. It's just alcohol. When you're doing dumb shit like that, we're like, I think someone's going to die here soon. We should all, and we did it as a band, we were like, we take handfuls of fucking Halsions, they were called, and then we'd fucking go out for the night.

But these are all fucking downers and sleeping pills. So who does that? We're doing such dumb, dangerous shit that everybody was like, All right, that's it. We're all going to do this together. It was like '89. We all went to fucking rehab. Together? Different rehabs, but But yeah. For me, I was mixing so much stuff, so much speed. This kid was all over the fucking place. But you could hear it in the music now. Sometimes we go back for laughs and we'll listen to some of the shit I made when I was in psychosis. What would you say is the most fucked up It's- You ever were for an album? I want to die in New Orleans. I think mine is-I was literally in psychosis from doing so much speed and downers, bro. I thought Southwest Airlines was trying to kill me. You told me that story Yeah, I thought Kyle took a life insurance policy out on me for 70 grand. This motherfucker- Bro, that's the most New Orleans shit ever. Somebody takes a life insurance policy out for $700, bro. Just for what? To make it their truck payment. That's the fucking most New Orleans shit, bro.

I remember that. We were in New Zealand when he told me that. He thought that they were putting a hit out on us. Yeah. He thought like- What do you say when he sits you down? I'll put them through hell, bro. Look, at one point, I was starting to get really impatient with it because I was tired of explaining. I was tired of explaining that this insane theory wasn't actually happening. I thought he had my phone. This was one time he quit Suicide Boys on Twitter. I don't know if you remember that. Oh, I remember. I remember where I was at. At the time, he had just bought a condo in Bradenton, Florida, outside of Sarasota. I can't get in touch with them. Kyle can't get in touch with them. We decide, let's go out there. Let's just press him. Let's be in person. Long story short, we fly down there, rent a car, drive to his apartment, and he doesn't expect us. He doesn't know we're coming. We go upstairs, and I knock on the door, and he's like, One second. I think to myself like, Man, I just flew out here. Fuck that.

I'm not waiting a second. I was like, Bro, I'm here. What's up? What's the problem? He was like, Give me a second. He had to go to the bathroom, do his little thing. We catch my drift. Then we came outside, he was ready to talk. It was long story to say, I was trying to see... I was like, Is he fucking with me? Is he lying to me? Does he think I'm stupid? Or does he actually believe this shit? Is he fucking crazy? Crazy. I had to sit him down and I was like, Bro, this Southwest thing, do you think that the people on the board of Southwest sit in a boardroom? Southwest Airlines. Southwest Airlines, and they discuss how we're going to assassin a scrim from Suicide Boys. He looked at me dead in the eyes, the most serious look on his face, and he goes, Yes. I lost my mind, bro. I took my phone and I threw it on the... I was trying to hit the grass, but I hit the sidewalk. The fucker sparked It pissed you off even more. Yeah. I thought they were trying to kill me because my brother had bootlegged one of our tracks because he was bad off on dope and sold it to this person for like, 800 bucks, but actually didn't give him the song.

He just scammed them. I thought the person he scammed was the son of somebody on the board of Southwest, and they were just going to take me out. To speak on the other side of things, I'm thinking, what is coming out of his mouth, is it real not, come to find out the story of his brother stealing a song and selling it is true. I'm sitting there and I feel bad because I'm been calling him a liar in my head and all this shit. Then I find out it's true. Then I'm like, All right, so is all of this true? I still refuse to believe that the board of Southwest is meeting to discuss his assassination. I had my brother and my family believe that I had- That was a crazy fucking time. Bro, I was very convincing. There's a guy living at our house at the moment, and he was trying to get off work to just come down and just say hi. Oh, and just mill around? Like a loitering, they call it. Yeah. I think you guys, loitering must be a British thing, because we wouldn't say that, loitering. What would you say?

We'd be like, Oh, yeah, stalking. Well, stalking is more like once you've loitered and you see something in the window. You see something, you see a bit of tits in the distance or something. But yeah, that's stalking. Then it's breaking and entering. And then it's marriage, usually. If you have a way with words, I think. Here's a couple of V-ets right here. Bring them up. This is Yahn Mare. Damn, this fucking kid is ripping, bro. Full allowance this week. He's been through a break. God, yes. Look at his face. How does he even know how to feel all this? I got a game on tour right now. This kid could also be 40 years old, dude. We don't know what's going on, bro. Unreal if that's a real person and not AI. No one's going to know. The kids aren't going to remember this fucking guy. Dude, most people can't even see that far. How far can people see, usually? What do you mean? I'm just saying, how far can somebody see? What does that mean? The average sight distance for a person with normal vision is about three miles. Get fucked, dude. When standing on a flat surface with their eyes about 5 feet above the ground.

That is bullshit. I thought it was like 70 feet or something. Why are you asking this question? I'm not sure exactly, I guess. We were just talking about David Spade, Average Re. I just got a cyber truck, too.Oh, you were telling me that?Yeah. You got it? Yeah. How is it? It's wild, bro. I mean, for one, you feel like you work at lows a little because it feels like you're supposed to be delivering something to somebody, but you never drop it off. What do you put back then? I don't know. No, it's just the whole car feels a little bit like an appliance. It feels like sometimes somebody's just going to open up the back and just put a TV dinner in it. It just has this... Or just put a load of laundry in there, just press a button. It has an appliance feel, but then it makes this sound when you go fast, and it literally feels like you're going into the future. Nice. Some people don't know what it is. There was a guy who, I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he just seemed really homeless. He was like, What is it?

What is it? Then he just started yelling at it and just cracked a beer open. I was like, God. Being married to a gay man would be fun because there's a feminine energy to him that would be almost like having a girlfriend. It's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're a woman, is a gay husband. Yeah, I like that. That's what I said. I feel like that would be your type if you dated Black girls. I'm willing to She made a nice Black girl. Yeah. What is... I mean... A Black girl that's nice? What does she look like? Describe. Just tall, had some booty on her, bro. Yeah, I knew that. I knew that. Some of the titi went The end of the booty, I was like, damn, this is a whole... I'm trying to imagine that. It was just a... God, damn. Like, Coke bottle shape. I mean, she looked like the letter S, bro. Yeah. She was really pretty eyes, nice, soft-spoken, looked at me twice. One time, I hung around for a long time for the second look, but still counts. It's getting weird at that point. It still counts, but yeah, it was a little weird.

It was getting weird. And I waved and I walked out, bro, and the wave was what fucking fucked me up. What type of fucking guy waves? See, that's going to turn Black women off. I know. You don't do that shit. You got to be a little bit gangster. You got to be straight up, They weren't straightforward, especially coming from you. You know what I'm saying? One of our white brothers in the community. I think more Black women want you to be... You got to be more assertive. Not too much because you know how you all get. But I'm not even none of that. You all got to meet it. None of that turn back to clock shit. We're not even doing none of that. I'm a modern day soldier, brother. You get what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Yeah. A hundred %, buddy. None of that going back to the 1800s bullshit. I'm saying be assertive as if-2012 and up, bro. Yeah, 2012 and up assertive, right? You're fine as hell. You are beautiful. I would like to see you soon. That works. But you got to be... You got to give them a little... They want to feel that umph.

You know what I'm saying? I'm a colonel of this motherfucking tank. You all have to beat back. You get what I'm saying? You have to beat back. Yeah, what's your kiddo like? I don't know if I... She's a stud. Oh, it's a baby. It's a girl. Were you there when she was born? I pulled her out of the coochee. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. They let me bring my katana in. What shoes did you wear? A close I know if there's anybody... Closetoad shoes. I think that's when God wanted. Yeah, you have to. Anybody that wears open-toed shoes to their child's birth is obviously, first of all, a Jimmy Buffet fan. We'll Well, that's the one exception. I think Jimmy Buffet could wear thongs to the child's birth, I think. Well, what are you supposed to wear? Like, oh, I was saying, I pulled her right out. No way you did. By the head, I did. I got gloved up. And they let you do it? There's not somebody there? Is there a lifeguard or something? Well, I don't know. My doctor was such a baller. And is the mom awake during this? Yes, sir.

She's full awake. She's not on her phone or anything, is she? She's on Clash of Clans. That's amazing. The child has filed emancipation papers. You can see him right there begging for a sip. Look at that hair. Yeah, he's in. That's Deep Roy, isn't it? That's not- That's Deep Roy. That's not a child. That's Deep Roy. And Roy's getting... Look at her. She's just beyond... This is a new headshot. This is a new headshot. By the way, Deep Roy has pretended to be an infant. This is going to be a newspaper article? Whitney Cummings baby was actually Deep Roy. I wouldn't be surprised. There's a lot of... Look, things are getting so tough out there. Tim, little people are going undercover. They just had the Russian girl who faked with the family to be able to eat and survive. They're just going to have to... And Whitney, because Whitney is- She's busy? She's busy. That's the thing with Whitney. She's a great mom and everything, but she's busy. She's got a lot going on, so she might not notice if her son is deep roi. She might not notice. She's got deep roi there. Oh, you got a fucking young baby who's just in an Elvis outfit.

She might like how quickly he's growing and she might be like, My baby's so impressive. He's speaking. He's speaking Hindu. He's speaking Hindu. He's dressed like Elvis. Yeah, he's doing great. I'm not a great job. How would you approach that? I was a kid. Your wife is allergic to the fucking cat, and I'm your kid. Be real. Don't do comedy. Don't do comedy right now. I would probably get a shake. I'm your son. Hey, Dan. No, you don't Do it... Sorry, just do it like me. Wait, you don't have to have an Asian accent. I don't know what country you're in. No, you're you. Okay, got it. I didn't know what country- I don't know where you could have an Asian accent. I don't know what country we were in. No, we're in America. Who the fuck? Well, give me a setting there. Yeah. I have to be that specific? Yeah, you're just okay. You live in Nashville. Okay. Your wife is white. You're my son. Yeah, I'm not Asian. All right. Make believe that I'm your biological Okay. Right? Yeah. Hey, Daddy. Hey, Chucky. What's up? I don't know. The people don't even get thought of anymore, it feels like a lot of times.

Here's the toughest part, I think Bernie is as a person who has felt like in their life, maybe their father died in a war, their grandfather died in a war, and they've been trying to pay their taxes and be a considerate person in their town or their country. After a while, those good people start. It starts to erode a little because they don't feel like... And they lose their sense of purpose. When you lose the fabric of your society, a lot of people, that's how they... They didn't even realize it. A lot of us don't even realize we identify as an American. When you realize, well, America, it's nothing, but it's a shell LLC for fucking big corporations. Then what am I? I'm just an idiot. You almost feel ashamed of yourself. Or you can. Anyway, I don't know. A lot of that stuff just I just don't see how people think that that's good or how you're going to still be able to get people to buy in. Theo, I think you said it better than I did. I agree with you. I think a lot of people are ashamed. They're given up. They're hurting.

Many of these people have fought and died, or their families have fought and died in wars, and they're good people. Maybe they're nurses and business people. Yeah, anything. Crossing Guard, Mailman. Exactly. They believe in their community. Meanwhile, they're getting ripped off by people on politically and economically. Well, even the radio, like you're saying, it's like you used to have a newspaper and it meant something. Your community meant something. It used to be that your grandpa worked at the factory and they made the table that you have in your home. Everything had a story to it. There's some connection. Now it's like we're buying stuff from countries that they're making it. They don't care. We're using it. We don't care. There's no story. Nobody has any… There's no thread. The thread just gets thin. That's a very profound point you just made. How do we get it back? It ain't easy. But I think you hit the nail on the head. You don't drink or smoke, right? I don't drink or smoke. You never have. No, I never have. I had a great brother who taught me a lesson, don't drink. What was his name, Donald?

His name was Fred, Fred Trump. I never had a cigarette, and I've never had a glass of alcohol. My brother was incredible. He would tell me because he knew he had a problem, and he'd say, Don't ever drink, don't ever smoke. He'd always add smoking because he did smoke a lot. Did you guys ever do anything fun together? Like one nice memory that you have with him? He had a great talent for flying. He was a pilot.Oh, sweet.And he loved it. Did you ever fly with him? I did. I flow with him. He was a great pilot and a very talented. Other pilots would come to his house to study with him. Watch him fly. He was really talented. But ultimately, he had to give that because of the alcohol. He had to give that up, which was a hard thing for him to do, but he had to give that up. I saw where your mom was out and you congratulated her on she almost has 10 years of sobriety, you said? That's right. Yeah, she's-In January? January of 2025, she will be 10 years clean and sober. What was it like growing up with an alcoholic mother?

No judgment against your mother. This is just to look at it, right? Yeah, sure. I appreciate that. What is that like? Is it hard to make a connection with your mom? What are some of the side effects that on a child? Even as a young kid, I very neatly divided the world into three categories of people. There were the helpless people, the victims, the people who needed to be helped. There were the bad guys who were preying on the victims. Then there were the strong people who stood up for everybody else and stood up to the bad guys. That's overly simplistic. But definitely, I saw my mom growing up very much as this person who was a victim and was being preyed on by bad people. And then the person who was looking up for us and standing up for me, especially, was my grandmother. And I think that attitude of some people are just not as strong as we wish them to be. And I probably went in the Marine Corps. I was pretty whiny, pretty resentful kid, was pissed off at my mom, was pissed off at all these other people because I didn't have the things that I thought I should have.

Then eventually, there's me when I was much skinnier, much better-looking. Oh, yeah. The Marines, dude, that was the original Ozempic. That's right. There's a lot of Asians for Trump out there. Do you know that? How do Asians feel about Trump? Let's say it, man. Can I say something to you? Yeah. I'm not the President of Asians. You seem to think that I'm their leader. Every month, there's a gathering, and I get all this information from people. Then I go out to the world, I'm their spokesperson or something. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're like Kim Jong Un. No, I'm not Kim Jong Un. You're like a smaller... You're like Skam Jong Un. I Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was one lady that covered the Trump thing. I think it was an Asian lady. Do you see the thing? That time that we interviewed Trump, this is self-aggrandizing or whatever. Oh, here we go. But that's not even all. Trump has woot this hyper-masculine online culture deeply. During a recent podcast with the comedian Theo Warn, instead of talking about economy or immigration or health care or the global conflict They discussed cocaine addiction.

No. Did you? Did you really? Coquine addiction. Some people are just real creeps when it comes to I've had owl. I don't know if we can say it or not. No, you can't. Well, I didn't- You just did. I didn't have it. You ate an owl? You just said you did, though. You just said you had owl. Did he not just say he had owl? I didn't do it. Wait a minute. I think he said eagle. Yeah. No, I didn't say eagle, dude. If I did, it was a wigged eagle. I don't need bald eagle. No, but I did have... We had owl. My sister's got carbon. Smaled over. Grilled up two owls. You just said you didn't-Was it fried? I thought we could say it now. You can't. Sorry. Roni did it. No. That's all I'm saying. I eat anything. You're a freaking A cow leader. A bald-eater. A cow leader. I didn't have a lot. You didn't have a lot. There's not a lot to them. That's the trick. You didn't swallow? I didn't inhale. Thanksgiving, it's It's interesting that even time says, Hey, hold on. I need you to give some thanks.

I need you to... You have to have some gratitude here. I think that to me, that's pretty fascinating, that that is a speed bump that's been put into our calendar. It's just built in there. It's a comma that says, Hey, care. Care about the things that have happened to you. Find things to have gratitude for. See, I want to think about those today and just things that I'm thankful for. I'm thankful Yeah. Being able to whisper, that's a big one. I'm so thankful for that because otherwise, everybody in your family just wouldn't know how you felt about them. You're asking me what I've been up to. I've been visiting schools. Now, Now I have to look at real schools. My oldest daughter is going to turn five. That's like kindergarten. She has to get the real school system. We were looking at this one place, and they have plain clothes just like guards now with guns. So it's sick. I was like, dude, I really want to retire and become plain clothes. Just walk around a school, just grow like a ponytail. Just be a teacher. That's all you do all day. You carry a gun, you just wait for some nerd to pop off and you just I'll ask them.

Dude, that would be honorable, man. But what if you start tripping your head and thinking that somebody's like, some kid is like, plotting it? I'm like the true detective. I'm Russ Cole of School Security. I'd have to wait till they'd have to pull out first. You think you would set a kid off? Can you say that? No, you're saying, get all tripped out. Like, damn, is this kid getting paranoid? Like, I know these motherfuckers. Like, oh, Damian's to some shit. I know he's packing. No, I would just wait. I would chill. I'd do my thing. And the moment one of those motherfuckers pulled out the steel, I'll just be there ready to die and just walk them down. That's your job. So Beast Games, that's the show. Yeah. Before this, I was showing them episode 1 of a show I have coming out, December 19th. Yeah, you said there's a lot of world records that were broken in the shooting of this series? Yeah, 40 Guinness World records. Wow. Yeah. We have so many plaques now that we have up on our wall. I'm basically making a wall out of Guinness plaques just from the show.

What are some of the records you guys broke? Most participants ever in a show, largest cash prize in a show, most was recording at once in a show, Most People Don't Work, which you saw. And show Most Money Givenaway in the First Episode of a Show, just stuff like that. Yeah. Oh, that's the most people have done probably since 9/11, I would think at once. Oh, my gosh. We might have to take that out. Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. I'll say something else. Yeah, I haven't seen that many people talk at the same time. Wait, why was there a cut before you say what you're saying right now? There's just we needed something to... He had to use the bathroom. Yeah. I had to use the... I'd already soiled the conversation. Oh, that's the most people jump at once that I'd seen since... Oh, since I was in the parking lot of a widespread panic concert, but that was LSD. That It works a little. Yeah, I think that's... Honestly, you should keep the first one. Okay, well, there we go, dude. But if I've done one thing well, it's what I call failure.

And that is I ran for sophomore, junior, and senior class Presidents, I lost three times. Based on my track record, I decided to run for Student Body President, where I went on to, wait for it, lose. I started nine businesses, seven have failed. I can't tell you how many women in Whole Foods and other places and other retail establishment I've been rejected by. But the reason I get to live the life I lead, the reason I'm with a very high character, attractive person, is because I have always been able to endure rejection. And that is the key. That is the Well, because one of the great things about America is we don't embrace failure. That's bullshit, but we tolerate it. If your business fails, but you're a good person, usually your investors will back you again. And if you approach a woman and express interest and she's not interested, you're both going to be fine. Yeah. And show me a guy. Show me a guy. We all know that guy. You think, okay, he's a nice guy. He's modestly successful. He's not that attractive. And he's with just such a high quality woman. That guy is not afraid of rejection.

That guy cycled through nine women who said, get the fuck away from me before he found that one woman who gave him a chance to be funny, kind. She was drawn to his smell. She liked the way he treated his parents. The The key to success in America is what Winston Churchill said, and that is the willingness to fail or your ability to fail and not lose your sense of enthusiasm. There was a study done in Australia. I used to work in palliative care as a doctor looking after dying people. You know what the top regret of dying people was? That they didn't have the courage to be themselves. And the third top regret was that they didn't have the courage to express their emotions. They pretended to be happy when they were not and so on. The question for the rest of us is, do we want to wait till some terminal illness wakes us up? Or should we just confront the fact that in so many ways we're afraid to be authentic because we're so afraid of being rejected. You've really taken over America. You've become like a stitch in the American flag.

I feel like you're this thing that everybody feels like they can believe in. There was a time last year and I just I had a prayer where I was like, I want to be happy. I want to travel, and I want to meet people. God answered me like crazy. Really? Yeah. Wow. You really were praying that? Yeah. No, he humbled me for sure. Wow, man. That's powerful, huh? Yeah, no. Power and prayer. You're going to pay me to go fucking relive my life. You said, Hey, Sean, you want to go hit the restart button? Like, Fuck you. Really? Fuck no. The school system is like, Oh, Sean, he's just a bad kid. They don't realize I'm up till 3:00 in the morning. I mean, fuck, dude. It's hard to stay up late and learn. Dude, I remember laying in bed. I remember I stopped believing in God, man. I had fucking... It's crazy shit, dude. It's crazy shit, man. It's okay, man. It's a lot of that sad. Dude, I used to be scared at night. I used to stand up. I heard when I was a kid that if you peed around your... Like animals could pee somewhere that other animals wouldn't come.

You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? Have you ever heard that? Yeah, I'm sorry, bud. I'm sorry, buddy. That's all good, dude. We don't have to talk, man. I can just sit here with you for a minute. Fuck. Fuck. Just take a second. I can just sit here. We can just sit here. No, it's all good. You just take a second. I just process it. I think it's one of the hard things that people don't understand, like trauma. Yeah. Sometimes it just comes out. No, dude. I remember I have a hole in my gum When I was a kid, I used to scratch my gum and I have a hole in my gum. Just from being nervous and Just anxiety. Even to this day. I'm in the day, dude. I'm a grown-ass man. I don't give a fuck. I mean, you could post this. I don't care. Oh, dude, I don't have any-No, it's all good, dude. I mean, it's what it is, dude. It is what it is. People understand. When I talk about, I kill a man, it's like you don't understand. You're like, when you go through that level of trauma, you just view it a little differently.

Anything new in the dating world? Kind of. Yeah, what you got, your little squirrel, buddy? What happened? Well, back in March, I had a little incident with a girl. You had an incident? I met her at a bar and then went home with her that night. Now, Raleigh, at this point, you're ejaculatory promissory note with the Lord is still intact, right? Correct. Okay. So what happened? How did it end, dude? You know what I'm saying? Did you end up creaming that little nugget or what happened? I did. No! What? Reilly Mell. God, baby. Congratulations, dude. I don't see a lot of that. Come over here and shake my hand real quick. I just want to shake the hand of a man that's come recently this year. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Good to see you, brother. All right, go back. Well, sniffing that cocaine all over town, honey, don't let my deal go down. Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be. It was meant for horses, not for men. Doctor said he'd kill you, but he didn't know when. Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be. Hey, tell it to me, tell it to me. Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be.

Hey, hey, but Let the cocaine be. Tell it to me, tell it to me. Drain corn liquor at the cocaine be. Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be. I'm walking up the field, going down Maine, trying to find a nickel for to buy cocaine. Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be. It'll burn out your nose, your eyes turn red, the goddamn cocaine will kill you dead. Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be. Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me. Durane, corner, liquor, let the cocaine be. Hey, hey, buddy, Let the cocaine be. Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me. Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be. Hey, hey, but let the cocaine be. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's killed my friend, it's going to kill me too. Hey, hey, but let the cocaine be. Some of you people, you think you're tough, sniffing that cocaine just like snuff. Hey, hey, but let the cocaine be. Well, tell it to me, tell it to me. Durane, corner, liquor, let the cocaine be. Hey, hey, but let the cocaine Tell it to me, tell it to me. Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be.

Hey, hey, buddy, let the cocaine be. Wow. Hell, yeah, man.