Transcript of E565 Bert Kreischer

I have some new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the Wind Trust Arena, Fort Wayne, Indiana, on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum, and Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Cassia Center. All tickets at Theovon.com T O U R Today's guest is a stand up comedian, a podcaster, an actor. You know him from his shows Bertcast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura. He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky, which premieres March 18. I'm grateful to have my friend the machine here today, Mr. Bert Kreischer.

There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes.

You want to do it?

I. Buddy, it's part of my. What I'm working on in therapy. Really let people have their own thing. Oh, yeah. I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up. That's how I did with both my girls. Then we go to a subtle decline and we do it that way with feet up the whole way. Then we put the pedals back on, teach him how to pedal. So easy.

Yeah, yeah. Riding a bike, the toughest thing I remember. Well, first, some guy who's teaching. You don't know him. Usually in my neighborhood, you didn't know him. It was like some dude's dad would be out there drinking or something. He's like, I'll teach this little whatever, you know, you're like, well, that's not. That's a whole.

That's not how it works at all. Yeah, well, you definitely know the guy.

Well, yeah, but. Yes, but a lot of times you also don't know you. Some people, some places you don't know the guy. Right. Or if your dad isn't there or whatever. So there's some guy who sets his beer down. He's like, I'll teach this little mother. You know?

Almost did that out front.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. That tracks.

Yeah. So then. Then that guy, like. So now suddenly there's some guy teaching you don't even know or whatever. And then they get you going, right? And that part's good, but the scary part is then you realize you have to steer. And that's where a lot of people just bank right in.

Two things at twice you have to pedal and steer. And it's and it's. It's counterintuitive. My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going. The pedals off, gliding, pedals back on. Here we go. And boom. Hit a BMW Hardy over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God. So then.

Oh, my God.

She goes, I'm good, dad. Second time we get her, she hits a trash can. Right away, I'm like, God dang. And then third time, she had a fire hydrant. And then we realized she needed glasses.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got to get her glasses at that point. Okay. She's dyslexic, too. She hit so much. We got a video of her. She. She just. That kid has been. Are we rolling? Are we good?

Huh? I don't know. Are we?

No, you're good.

Okay.

We were. That kid rolled the dice on life. So much. So much. Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would. She would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach just drop. So she'd go. And Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet, and Isla did it, and then went over the handlebars. And it's the cutest video Georgia looks me, Dad. I got it.

Capture the footage.

Yeah, it was great.

Wow. You guys are a footage family. You've always been kind of a footage family then.

Yeah, but it was before content, really.

Right?

Like, women. We. You know, I got an Instagram to. Not to. For professional reasons. I got Instagram, keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, and comics. Cool. No one was posting videos of, like, promo videos.

No.

And. And then I shared everything about my family on everything. I remember the first time I realized maybe I was over sharing is I posted our Christmas card on. On Instagram, and someone hit me up. Guy we both know that we respect hit me up. And he was like, dude, what are you doing? I was like. And it got like, a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know. You get addicted to the likes. You're like, nice. Killed it. And then you don't realize your kids that all their friends see that. And then you're putting. You're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was. It was. We were creating content not knowing what we were doing.

Oh, I see. You were saying, like, you were like, maybe you were putting things that might have Been too personal out there.

You mean way too personal. Yeah, I mean, I talked about Isla's period on one of my specials.

Oh, yeah. And you weren't there for the first period or whatever, were you? Oh, my God. And which I didn't like candles or whatever. Huh.

Yeah, we did. Hang on. Yeah. Dude. As a comic, okay, you. Certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good. That's got to go on stage. Like something happens and you're like this. Yeah, it's like, it just. It's a. I don't know if it's like a. I don't know like if it's a neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period and I mean, I talked about a special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened. I was like, yeah. She's like. I go, what do you need, like new socks or like just. She's, you know, new panties, new pants, new whatever. She goes, no, go to go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, huh? She goes, we're throwing a period party. And I was like, wow.

I was like, okay, be positive.

And immediately, as we were, as. As the night went through, and by the way, put it on all social media because it's funny. And no one, no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know, and you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing. And then Isla the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off social media. Maybe. I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. And I was like, yeah, good call. A 10 year old or 12 year old, whatever you are.

God, I don't know if people. I mean, I guess people trying to remember. I think if somebody got their period in our neighborhood, people would just start calling them a whore or whatever, you know? Like, I think people were just. Yeah, people were. Were more vulgar in our area, I think, you know, if anything happened, it was. Everybody always made it. You feel ashamed no matter what happened to you, you know.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy.

Have you been? Yeah. You just said. Well, you just said you. That you. You saw somebody who was trying to teach her kid to ride a bike. Because I heard something going on out there. I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happened out.

It was very Mexican.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I heard like something kind of Mexican happened outside earlier. And I was like, I wonder what's going on, but I'm not going to get involved. I got to work right now. But you came in, you said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike.

Yeah.

And you were going to get involved.

I wanted to get involved.

Yeah.

And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Like, what part. What need do I have to jump in, make it an event. Event, Like. And then I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy, too. Just, like, removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah, well, and I are in couples therapy.

Oh, y'all are.

It's awesome.

No way.

Yeah, I'm. I'm fucking killing her. Like, I've gone. I've won three. She's only one. Two. Two. I'm smoking her, dude. The very first therapy. The very first therapy, the therapist, like, I was just. I just. I didn't. Like, we went into couples therapy in a good place. We're in a good place, but the girls both went to college. We're spending a lot of time together, you know? And, like, I just. Both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived. I've always been on the road home. Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden. And I'm taking a break from stand up right now. So I'm taking, like, a year off. And we're just around each other so much. We're like, maybe we should, like, just be in front of it in case something happens, right?

Like, see what's going on.

Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy that Leanne interrupted me, and the therapist goes, now you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk? I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got. I've got. Leanne got crossed up. She's, like, on her heels. Like, wait, what the. He won't shut the. He's just not talking now. I never, like. It was like, oh, yeah. It was badass.

Damn, dude.

Who.

Who picked a therapist? That's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples, I think you get. If you pick the therapist, and it's almost like that's your. You have, like, you know, like, the insider trading on the referees or whatever, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She picked it. A therapist.

You did?

Yep. I'm not. I'm never gonna find a therapist.

Yeah. And was it weird? And one of the things they said in there was that you got to let people do their thing.

Yes. I need to slow down. I have fomo. I want to be involved in everything. I want to. Like, I just.

I get. I feel like I've done too much just looking at you. Like, if I look at you, I'm like, oh, I gotta sit down for a minute.

Dude. I get. When I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I gotta go downstairs. I go, what are we doing? Hang on, we're playing with the dogs. I want to be a part of that.

Yeah.

Like, I. Dude, I. And I. My day starts early and it just. I slam it. Because if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone. I don't. It's just not positive. And so I pack my days. I had a therapist tell me one time, you have fomo.

Wow.

I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.

Yeah, that. Well, I mean, it's just crazy. You would. Yeah, I guess you hear something, you want to go see, you want to be a part of it. You want to know what's going on.

Yeah. Like, when you got sober, did that change? Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober, where you go, hey, man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.

Oh, no, I just didn't. What. The best thing that happened from that was at like 11:30 or midnight. I was like, I'm heading home. So you just didn't end up, like, in the retardation hours, you know, you didn't end up, you know, sneaking into somebody's house through an air ven or some. Or some dude tricking. Trying to trick you into being gay or whatever, you know?

I'm so glad when I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem. I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.

Oh, dude, have you seen that? There's a great meth tribute video where a guy shows up through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer. That shit was something else, dude. When I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had, like, a lot of violent tendencies or whatever. I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry, his parents would send him to his room and he would beat the drywall out of the wall of his room. And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room.

Oh, that's very sweet of him.

And he would listen to that song, you gotta keep them separated. Yeah.

I just met those dudes. Do you know that? They got. They said. I was talking to the two Dexter. And. And Slinky. It's not Slinky. What? Noodles, Dexter. Noodles. And they said, you know, that a lot of white supremacists adopted that song. Oh, yeah. You know another song White supremacist adopted, huh? These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do but the white supremacist. One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you Jews.

Oh, stomp.

Yeah.

Damn.

There's a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that in the old school. You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos?

Did they do. They didn't do a music video, did they?

I don't think so.

I haven't seen that. If they did, there would be, like.

The videos where it's like, the one British guy infiltrates the clan, and he's like, so I'd like to talk to your son. And he's like, so, do you have a problem with black people?

Oh, I know you're talking about, dude, Louis Thoreau. Oh, Louis Thoreau. Yeah.

And then he'd go to, like, their. Their big barn, and they're burning his cross, and he's like, I feel a little comfortable. This isn't really my cup of tea.

Oh, the cross is a little warm. Can you turn down the heat a.

Little close to the cross? Can we do smaller crosses? Maybe spread them out evenly by the tables, kind of like a heat lamp?

He goes, actually, my wife's a bit cold. Could you spark up a small cross near her?

Do you think that was the first crossboarding? They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side, so, like, let's get. Spread it out. Like, the fire is too centralized.

Well, I think that's why you. That's probably why they burn across. It's kind of the perfect heat lamp.

I don't understand. I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning in your front yard, but I'd be. If I saw that, and I'm like, two in the morning, I'd be like, sweet.

Yeah.

I'm like, nice. I believe in God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, oh, damn, we got a Megadeth rally happening. We are. What is this? Our organization is just.

You interviewed that dude? Yeah.

Fascinating. Guy is advertising the literature we put out.

He did Kurt and Courtney, too. I think he's done a lot of documentaries. He's done a ton, but he does, like, gossip documentaries, you know? Yeah.

It's always. And it's a little it was almost a ballpoint pen. Will the skinhead in the crowd please leave immediately. How about Elijah? Could be handy for cross burnings.

No, I don't. That's not. That's not cool. You can't use a big lighter for a cross. No, no. You have to use a torch or something. How come it looks better?

Can't use a Bic lighter for a cross burning.

Hang on, hang on. Let's. Hang on. Pick that apart. That is hilarious. If they've built the cross, it's covered in kerosene and you see a guy.

Yeah.

At the bottom. I can't get it. Hang on. It's too windy. Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the Comedy Store.

Hey, somebody comes stand like.

And it's a bunch of guys going like this.

Dude. One time I was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee and they had like a huge bonfire, right? And so they were. And they had one black guy that was at the party, right. And they sent him to pour the gasoline on all of this. Hum. It was a huge pile six. You had to climb up. I mean it was humongous.

It was probably a little gas goes a long way.

I agree. And it was 40ft wide and probably 20ft highest pile. And I was like. And there was American flags everywhere. I was like, you cannot send the one. I was like, if anything happens. Right there.

Yeah.

This looks absolutely.

Being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven. Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You're like, no, no.

Well, that's why Jews invented the self cleaning oven, dude. They're like, they're like, we're not doing that. Sure. We're not falling for that again. Oh, oh, they're gonna make us take that out. Probably. They can't. Huh?

Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self cleaning oven, then is just fucking.

It's just. That's just factual information, dude. I can't. So I can't believe you're in therapy. So that's going on.

Yeah. I like it.

You do?

I didn't do therapy. I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much. Meaning two bears burcast, something's burning and tour. So every day I'm talking like four hours a day. And I was like, I just was losing my voice like crazy. I was like, I can't talk. I just don't physically want to talk anymore. And then. And then when I took time off, I was like, like second. I took time off, like, my first week, I got really depressed, so I was like, I don't know.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

But are you able to figure out, like, what that depression?

Because otherwise it's not touring.

Oh, it's just not.

Yeah.

Not being on the go.

Not being. Not being on the go. Not having something going. Not like, hey, we got to pack you up. We got to get you to. We're going out to Boston. You're doing the thing.

But you already have. You've done so much. Like, don't you worry that burn it. Like, continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out. Or maybe you just don't get burned out.

No, I don't get burnt. Get burned out. What was happening to me was creative. Like, creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out.

Oh, yeah.

And so I was like, I gotta. Like, I got done this last hour. It was Premiering on Netflix March 18th, I think 18th. Somebody checked that Lucky. And. And I. When I got done doing that hour, I feel like I. You know how, like, when we get. You know how when you start a new hour, you scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you go, I got like 20 minutes, right? I. For this special, I dumped everything. Fucking seven minute stories. Turned it into a three minute story. I dumped everything. I just piled this. My first four minutes was initially like 10 minutes, and I crammed it, so I wanted to be good because it's like, you know, it's like my six special, so I don't want people to think I got lazy. But then when I got done, I was like, yo, I. I need to br. I need to write. And I was like, my girls are in college. I'm with Leanne all the time. Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I gonna like? And so I was like, I'm taking time off, but my first week, I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just, like, depressed.

Looking at people touring, having fun, looking.

At, like, so severely. Just that fear of miss, missing out.

Missing out, man. Like, I just. I love the energy. And we pulled Fully Loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing this summer. This summer. We do Fully Loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun.

Oh, those videos. I would always get in. So those. Seen all the pictures of the Gorges and stuff like that, and you guys are just having a blast. I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't Some of those places just.

Like, can't afford you.

I don't know about that.

There wasn't. There was a second where I could have gotten. You and Schultz were the two, like, two kind of like white whales? It was been. It would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman. Mark Norman, Santino. Like, it was just. It would have been. It's. It's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki. It's such a fun. Big J. Dan Soder. It's so fun. And Schultz called me directly, and he was like, I got your offer, and I respectfully declined. But then his agent was like, you can't afford him. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up. It would have been cool. But it's like, you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.

Yeah. Or sometimes it's also just a time cut. It's like, since we've been podcasting more, just takes so much time, and then I have to do it here. And Nashville, it's just like, the back and forth.

That's why. That's why I said this when we were in. I apologize. Interrupt.

And your own touring. So it's like you have your own tour. It's like, last year, I don't know, I maybe had two weekends where I did something for myself that I wanted to do that wasn't work. Which is fine, because I like working.

But I like working, too. They say, do you have a hobby? And I go, like, podcasts? No. Like, do you have a hobby? I go, shoot content. Like, no, like, a hobby. I go, I'm working on a movie.

Yeah.

And they're like, no. What do you do for fun? I go, like, collect rocks. I don't know what the you're talking about. Like, look at toads. Take pictures of animals. Who the does that?

Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. Sometimes people will be like, you got to get a hobby. And I'm like, well, some of my hobbies became work, and so are still my hobbies. They're just more. It just like, you're just super involved with them. I guess. I guess I could get a nice hobby.

Like what?

Like, think about, like, walking with a friend.

Top 10 hobbies.

Yeah.

Walking with a friend is not a hobby.

It isn't.

Because immediately I go, why don't we turn into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting, okay? And so let's scrap. Ignore that. Podcasting is a business. When are me and you gonna get A chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out with and go. You can't answer your phone, can't look at your phone.

Let's just talk for the rest of our lives. Probably never till we're older or if I.

If you have something you want to promote, maybe we can do it over at my house. But it's like, it's kind of fucked up. I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes. Got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Barker. You know, Jelly. It's like, I see Jelly. Jelly is a little different because I see him, and I end up spending a lot of time with him.

Yeah. He. He's somehow so excess. He finds he's so accessible in a weird way.

Yeah. But. But podcasting, I don't look at that as work. I look at his opportunity to hang out with my friends, you know, and. And. And get to know other people, other men.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

And I think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time with that. And so that's why they listen to podcasts, too. It's like, ooh, you know, a lot.

Of people don't like what you said.

Maybe they don't get as much time as that. So that's why they listen. They're listening more to podcasts. I think some of it's wild. Listen. It's like, oh, I want to hear a conversation about this thing.

Yeah.

And so that's what I'm listening to, where I want to hear about a conversation that's funny.

Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan.

Yeah.

Together.

So you gotta.

I never. I never do. So it's fun. When I listen to the two of them talk, they. They have smart brains in a different way than me. Like, I'll never think the way they think.

No, they're the best, dude. Tim Dillon is so original, it's unbelievable.

He is my favorite gossip in the world.

He had this bit about the other day on. On. It was a social reel. And it was like, about the fires and how somebody hired private security to protect their private firemen, to protect their ice cream shop or whatever. I was like, all these places are burning, but the Maui peach sorbet was saved or whatever.

You were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy. The Maui peach sorbet. Yeah.

I think if you do this, you're.

Doing this all the time. Like, you're selling fancy to me.

Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy, and this helped me.

Yeah, no, this. This little movement right here. Just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice. Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're gonna like it. I put sprinkles on it.

That's like, who had that joke? If you call something Mexican in front of it, it just makes it so much better. Dude.

No. Oh, wait, that's not what I thought.

Really? Oh, you thought worse.

I was at a. You know, the Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica Beer?

Yeah, yeah.

And the lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you. What do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down, and shit in our mouths? No, thanks. I think we'll pass. Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking. Like, when you want a Mexican blowjob, you're like, hold on. What are we doing here? Like, it's like the donkey show. Do you ever see a donkey show?

I never saw it. I don't want to get involved with that. Have a good relationship with outdoor. Outdoor animals. I don't want to get like that. Yeah, this is. This clip right here.

Oh, I love that. He's.

You can play from right there. It's fun. That little Palisades Village. I'm glad it's still there. I am. I'm glad that guy brought in his own water and was like, yeah, we're.

We're not losing.

What's the McConnell's?

We're not losing that ice cream place. There's people burning alive in the street.

He's like, yeah, we're not losing McColl's.

What are you nuts?

It's a good ice cream. Santa Barbara strawberry is a great flavor.

What are you nuts? What's that other sushi place?

Is it Blue Ribbon? It's good. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking. It's just hilarious to be a billionaire.

And they go, we're bringing in water, and we're bringing in our own firefighters. And then the firefighters show up.

They're like, all right, who do we save?

And you're like, what?

Get. Get the.

In front of Blue Ribbon Sushi right now.

You have your mind, you piece of.

Who do we say?

The tiger roll.

That's a. Get in front of Blue ribbon.

That's good.

I. What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by Himself for one hour? Yeah, once a week. Have you ever tried that?

For one hour every day?

No. Have you ever? No. Once a week. He does his show once a week. And.

Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I? Yeah. He was solo for the first couple years. Just him talking. And then my brain, I ran out of anything. I don't even know. Now I'm just like a thoroughfare for other people's. And I suck. It used to be I used to have some of my own ideas. Now it's just nuts.

I think you still have your own ideas. You know, I always say to people. I always say to people, hey, wait, were you. You're using drugs? When we did that fraternity pilot.

Let me think. Oh, remember that thing, dude?

Yeah, I tried to buy it.

That pilot, huh? Yeah.

Because I think Bona Murray's collapsed, Right?

Yeah, I think. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Yeah. Because the pilot was what it was. Three guys were going back to college. It was kind of based on old school. Old school.

I think it was called Old school.

Three guys were going back to college. Was that.

No, no, no, no, no. Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity. Starting a fraternity for people out of college.

Yeah.

And, man, we did not think that through. No, we just put it in fucking Craigslist, right?

Yeah. Remember that one guy finally kissed that hooker or whatever and his glasses steamed up? Remember, Ernie? Remember that guy?

Hold on. You're underselling. You're underselling what we did have We. Hold on. So it was. I'm just gonna set the scene. Cause this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.

Okay.

Me, you, and Brett Ernst. Yeah, we were the hosts and executive producers. Oh, wow. So if you don't remember that, I.

Don'T think I got that good of a deal. But let's keep going.

I think it might have. If I'm not mistaken. I think I was. I might have been the one that was like. Cause I had, like, headsets in, and I was talking to producers, and it was all our ideas. So we were like, all right, we're gonna get these out. Put in Craigslist. We'll get a fucking party bus put in Craigslist if we. Anyone that applies, we'll take them. We had no fucking background checks. None. Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember. Remember that one guy showed up. Oh, well. Oh, yeah.

He had ptsd. And he'd wake up in the middle of night and Marine crawl around the fucking house to check the Perimeter.

I do remember that guy, the little.

Guy that didn't speak English, threw up in the fucking. In the garbage can and we couldn't get him out.

Well, that guy was a ninja. Remember? He was a full time ninja, he said. And we're like, where?

He was a full time fucking ninja?

Yeah.

And then there was the guy you championed. Were trying to get a laid. He made out with chick esteem. Get. Dude, dude. One dude cheated on his wife and he was like, I think I just ruined my life. And we're like. And so hold on, hold on. This is the best is we wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks. So we just hired prostitutes.

Yes, we hired real prostitutes, dude. And that white guy.

Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for this. Everyone's like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band the.

Oh, is it. Was it that all female band with.

Tape over their nipples and their pussies?

Yeah. Harlow, Wasn't that their name?

You remember their name?

I think that was them.

Google them. Harlow. They. They would. They had Jack Daniels and pillows and they created a pillow flight feather feathers went everywhere. And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. Yeah, that's how the pilot opened. My name's Bert Kreisler. Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity. It's going to get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth. And I was like, I'm married with two kids, dude. That was. Is that.

I don't know if that was them. Harlow was a girl band. I thought, oh, that's them.

That's them.

Yeah, dude, they were.

They were killer.

They were hot too. Dude.

I remember the. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool with a. In pajamas. And everyone's. And the producer, one of the executive producer goes, it goes, I can't use any of this. I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something? I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on. I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, I hope it was me, dude. I'm trying to remember what happened.

Were you using drugs at the time?

I don't know. I hope I was. It sounds like it was a fucking blast.

I mean that.

I don't know if I needed drugs at the Time. That sounds amazing.

The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, we beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever.

One of them asked for it.

One of. The big one asked for it. Yes.

The little one. Sure. A victim.

I'll say that that was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of.

God, about that.

That's when. That's when. I mean, like everybody showed up at.

Some guys at a place. We stole that goat, put him on that bus. And he started in the back of the bus. And the only person that would go back there and care for him, it was some like, he was like a third generation ve. Veterinarian or something. That one really white kid.

Yeah.

And people kept giving it beer and.

Stuff and we stole the wrong goat.

We did.

Yeah. We had. We had an address that we were going to pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them, like production wise. So we pulled over to piss and. The Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I think he was a comic.

Killian. No, Killian is just the name of a beer.

I thought that was his name.

Seamus.

Seamus. Seamus.

It wasn't him. It was a fella named Seamus. I think he probably passed. I don't know if he passed a couple of them.

A lot of those guys are dead.

Seamus O'Farrell, is that him?

A lot of guys that were in that pilot died. Yeah, because I was in this Facebook group with them and like the big guy. Or like the big guy, he passed him. He had two kids.

Oh, did he?

Yeah, he was a.

Two lunches too. I remember that. He. He did not make it that long. I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches because you would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like he hadn't had lunch.

I remember he's like, wait, are they serving? Yeah, we're like, yeah, what are they serving? Like, you just ate it.

Yeah, dude. It was just that reverse. He would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever.

I mean, that was the funnest. Like I always say, God about that. That was like. It's like, you know when you discover someone. Like when, like I'm thinking of. The best example is like Cam Patterson, right? Like my. My wife's friends, their kids are in high school and they came to one of my shows and they're like, have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time I hadn't. And then I was like, no. And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny. Yeah, that moment. We all have it for comics. And I've heard, I've heard for a very long time watch people discover you when you. They go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn? But I had to discover you too. Like, right, I got to find that you were funny too, right? And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you. Just like, like everything you were saying was like so fucking funny. That and. Oh, no, that and fucking reality buys back. I've always said that. Like that finale. Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life.

Really.

Oh, my God. You were dropping dimes when we were all sitting in the bleachers. I was crying, laughing. I've never laughed harder in my life where I was like this guy. Everything you said was fucking hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers.

Killers in there.

Oh, killers.

It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.

Do you remember when donell we were in the car and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because Mo, Mo is like, I love Mo. I love Mo. I'm not shitting on Mo. But Mo is younger than everyone, so he's like trying, like. Oh, yeah, he was trying the whole time.

It's that energy you do when you're young too. You get put in a place. You try to. Yeah, you try.

And he goes. Donnell's in front of the van. He goes, mo, has anyone ever told you you're funny? And Mo goes, of course. And he goes, name one person. And Mo goes, my mom. And we felt out of the van. Donnell goes, your mom doesn't count, Mo, your mom doesn't count. Oh, God, dude.

Oh, there's my boy right there. He just had his second child.

I think he's selling TV shows. He's doing great.

Mo's a creative dude, man.

He's a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy.

Yep.

And I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. My voice is. Start laughing. It looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.

My name is Theo Vaughn and $50,000 would mean that I could get out of debt.

Listen to our voices.

Put a down payment on a better apartment or an apartment in general.

The Most like a 80 year old black man in their picture. Wow, look at you. My career. Build a PETA house.

We've been throwing some. Oh, that's when we threw those Mexican Cabbage Patch Kids. They dyed the Mexican because they weren't they. The Mexican ones have been discontinued or whatever.

Yeah.

Or cabbage. How do you say cabbage in Spanish? Cabbage. Cabbage. Ninos. So we had these cabos ninos, right? And we're just like, you have to throw 50 of them over this fence. Like it was going to be hard for adult men to do that, bro. We were humming those over there. And remember China showed up. She was the wrestling woman. Oh yeah, she was all geeked up on pills or something. And she, she was supposed to. As they went over the fence, somebody shoot them down with like a some sort of a paintball gun or something. I was like, what are we doing? Do you like winning real money? If you're a basketball, baseball or sports fan, then check out the Pick Six app from DraftKings. When it comes to basketball payouts, DraftKings pick six dunks on all the other apps. I've used them all and have found that I have had the best luck winning with Pick six. So this is my new Go to app. It's super simple to get started. You select two or more players and choose if they'll have more or less of a certain station, like points, rebounds, three pointers and more.

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Dude, my favorite one. I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this. Video is we did so youo Think youk Could Dive.

Yeah. Oh yeah.

And you said everyone practiced diving all week and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the. If I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the 5 meter. It was high as shit. I went up there in a wheelchair. I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart. And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you got. And you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first and you fucking landed on your stomach so hard came Up. That was the fucking. Please tell me you have it.

Do you have it?

Oh, shut the fuck up.

Really?

Oh, my God. Wow.

Look how young we were, Burton. Look at you.

Look at this. This is when all I did was hit on. I hit on Greg. Greg.

Lou Ganis, the whole time.

And then he got pissed. He found out I was married.

Really?

Yeah. You remember? That's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man.

I do remember driving away, driving. This was in a long be term. We're driving home that day. I'm like, I can't believe I drove you home. Almost smashed that, dude.

No, I drove you home, remember? That's right, dude. I picked up everyone in the car. And Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's going to be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off. And I drove home and I was like. It was quiet. I was like, so, what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think?

And we're all going back to work.

God, I was not this. Dear Amelia.

Oh, my God.

We will come and find you soon. What the.

What octave is that?

If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron. Watch.

Oh, tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea.

Look how jacked you are, dude.

I was handsome. Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind of put a tribute out to him. Okay, we gotta find them. You had the ladies.

Hang on. Do you have that whole episode?

Yeah, I have the whole series.

Okay. Do me a favor.

Wow.

Go to me. Getting kicked off. Do you remember this?

With Greg Luganis? Do you remember I did a nude dance for him?

Do you have that?

And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer.

He's. If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive.

Is he?

I think he was, like, the poster boy for HIV positiveness.

Oh, wow.

He said HIV positivity. I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got.

Rid of that bathing suit yesterday.

All right, go to the end when I get floated off. What are you talking about? My wife never made. I just hit on him.

Okay, Your butt is so wide to say that. It's time for you to pack your trunks. Thanks so much.

Now hit pause for a second. This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah, like, sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said, oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about, Bobby. And so, like, now I did this, and it. No one laughed. Yeah, no one laughed. Everyone saw it, and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was going to be edited. And I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career. Career. I might have made it because I was telling everyone I was on this show at my daughter's preschool. I was like, they're gonna watch this.

That's insane to do that.

I was. Everyone was famous, and I was trying to, like, keep up with the Joneses.

Yeah, I'm on a new show.

I'm like, yeah, I'm on a TV show. Whatever. Hit play. Have you seen this? Oh, my God. All right, Biggest regret.

Wow, Bird, were you fully naked?

Yeah. Had a great time, Michael. I'll never forget this. Yeah, fully naked, actually. Big.

And does Michael prefer man or. He prefers women.

He's married. Michael, I think, was being, like, honest, like, this is a bad idea. Another set of bad decisions in my life, Michael. This one might be the worst of all. They don't stop coming.

Oh, my away. If I look at it, I will turn to stone.

No, you will. Maybe part of you will, but not all.

Oh, my God. That was incredible.

Oh, dude, I thought. I thought I ruined. I thought I ruined. Ruined my career. Ruined it.

And what kind of pecker you got on you there? You can't really. They got it blurred out or whatever. Just so. So we can not pick at all.

Okay, I'm gonna show you two right now, and you'll. It's probably the exact same size. Do you remember we took a bath with Lunel?

Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Me. You read Grant me. You Red Grant took a bath for mayor of Baltimore.

You know that? Oh, yeah.

We'll tell this story.

Yeah.

Do you remember Lunel had two bathing suits on.

Did she really?

And she took one off. She goes, boys, where are your bathing suits? And then we took ours off. And then she got out of the bath, and we're all naked and she took our bathing suits.

God, I don't remember that. I remember. I think Kyle's mom gave me. Or somebody gave somebody. I don't remember what happened. Somebody one of us came or something.

Kyle's mom.

I remember that.

Kyle's mom was a hired stripper.

Yeah.

Just. We're clear. Kyle's real mom's dad.

Cow's room on passed away.

Yeah. That's why they got brought in. The stripper.

Oh, damn. Well, yeah.

I remember meeting your mom and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dream catchers in Northern and New Mexico. Yeah, my mom looks like she on black people that walk out of the store with all this from right A.

Dude, that show is so wild. And it was like, bro, they paid us. It was pretty. It was fun. You got to be around other comedians. Tiffany Hadish was on there. Donnell Rawlings. Remember Javier George? That one comedian left. He left the first day. Remember George?

Jeff Garcia.

Jeff Garcia left.

Garcia. Don't play that. I do not need to see that. No, hang on. I actually. That makes. I have nightmares about that, you know, where, you know you've done something and you're like, oh, why did I do that? Oh, yeah, that moment, huh? That makes my skin crawl.

And this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever they said.

They said, you're gonna bring you in, you're gonna seduce somebody. And. And the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in and it.

Was our moms and I in the dark.

In the dark. And I told her what I'd do to her, giving her oral sex. I think about that because I was honest. I was honest.

Theo, that's illegal too, to do that to your mother.

I think so.

Theo did the Native American Warbler. I did. Let's make this plan. Whoa, mom.

Whoa.

I was scared. Let me say seduction. The first thing you have to know is the Native American Warbler. Serious panty dropper. Let's make this plane head. Whoa, mom.

You were so good at this. You were so good at this.

Was this. What was it again?

You know, you were so good at the whole game. Like, it got in my head and I would get panicked and I said, needed the money, and you were just fucking chill.

And I was probably on steroids, dude.

You might have been. You look pretty jacked in this.

I might have been on performance enhancing drugs.

You ever taken steroids?

Yeah, dude, you know. Yeah, they just had a new. Did you see that? A new Steroid Olympics was coming up.

But this.

That show was before its time. They should put the show back on the air. If they didn't. I don't understand. They. After that, they up, man.

I could not agree more.

They fucked up.

And by the way. What? Here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should. We should buy that. Me. You don't people with a little money, we should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it. Because that is. We could do one season. We could do five seasons out of just outtakes. I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say. Do you remember me and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer and she goes, what are we going to do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? She goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're the leaky submarine, and we got to plug up all your holes. And everyone's like, can't use that. And I was like, why? It's fucking funny. Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there, I'm telling you, that finale you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donell were in a cluster, and we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just. They would say something and you just. Honest, Theo, like, the person you are today was there that day, and you were stream of consciousness and we were eyes.

My. Well, I've never laughed harder.

Damn, that was so much fun. Look at me and Amy right there.

God.

And she had a boyfriend. I think she was in love with some guy.

Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex.

You know, I always thought we did, but, dude, speaking of, what else were you talking about a second ago?

I don't know.

The Steroid Games. Oh, yeah. Did you see that Donald Trump Jr. Or some group is starting steroid the enhanced games. Donald Jr. President Donald Trump's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr. Is the latest to invest in the Enhanced Games, which critics call the Steroid Olympics.

I'd invest. I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding, and bodybuilding's pretty. You ever seen natural bodybuilding? The answer is no.

That's a good point.

Yeah. You're like, okay, it's pretty boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like. Like, yeah, get. That's what I want to look at.

Get on that gas, dude. Oh, I remember doing that, boy.

What did you take?

Oh, I took.

Deca.

I took Deca. Yeah, deca. Wind straw, I think. I don't know if I ever got some Winstroke. Got whatever we. I could get a hold of test 200.

Really?

Yeah. Test 200, test 400 tests. There was some. I think we. Somebody we would go on spring break, we'd go get it, but somebody. People would always sneak it back in, like shampoo bottles. They would buy A bunch of steroids about pouring it shampoo bottles. So it had, like, this kind of like. Like, soapy. Soapy after days. Like, you'd be doing curls, but then you'd, like, belch a soap bubble or whatever. Like, it was. It was really, like, every time you, like. Like, if you lift it up your arms, it would. It was.

When you'd sweat, it would just be soapy.

It was not, like, lavender or whatever. Like, it was a real hybrid at the time. A hybrid type of chemical we were using. And that was one thing. I was tough about it, but it was fun using stories because. And I shouldn't say that. I mean, it was definitely. Also had side effects.

No, don't. Don't buy. Anyway, everyone makes their own choices in life. Look, I'm on testosterone out the gills right now.

Are you.

Are you shitting me? Dude, I fucking love it. I jerk off every morning. I jerk off every. If I don't have sex with my wife. I'm. My dick's hard, and I'm. I'm turned on every morning when I wake up thinking about my wife, but I'm. She's out there. Like, today, I jerked off. She was at. At the gym, working out, and I was like. Or at her trainer or whatever, and I was like, I'm gonna jerk off. Yeah. I. Dude, it's awesome. I feel alive. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I do my liver numbers. That's all. Every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is reparative to liver cells. Yes. It's awesome.

Well, are you. I mean, are you still fat or whatever then?

Yeah. Yeah. Obese. Morbid.

Okay.

I'm morbidly obese.

Okay. I just want to make sure you still, you know.

Yeah.

Sticking with this.

I only work out. I only work out so I can party.

Yeah.

That's it. The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rose. I go, yeah, because I know. I was in the gym this morning hard as shit. I'm gonna be in the gym tomorrow hard as shit.

You look great.

I feel. Theo, I feel phenomenal. I mean, I really feel phenomenal. And I will tell you.

Yeah.

That I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but I. I'm just. Testosterone has just given me, like, a zest for life, I think. I mean, the downfalls is, like, my face is Redder sometimes. So, like, I have to get hair and makeup. Like, my face can get pretty red, but from the testosterone, I think. So. That's what someone told me.

Well, don't you. Don't you lose hair, though? That'd be my concern.

No, I mean, I don't know. I was gonna get hair transplant. Chance. Leanne doesn't want me to.

Really? I've gotten it before.

What?

Yeah, a couple years ago. I got in the back. So much stress in the back that my hair started. Got like.

Your hair looks awesome.

Yeah, it's good now it's clean.

Did you go to Turkey?

No, no, I went to. I don't remember where I did. I did it right off of there of La Cieniga 50. La Cienega?

Really?

Yeah.

A good doctor, though.

Yeah, pretty decent. They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front. It's like just reforestation or whatever, you know, whenever they, like, take the plants. That's not me. Jesus Christ.

Your hair. You've always had the thickest guy.

Look at this picture.

That does kind of look like you a little bit.

Oh, no, that's me. But that's not my head. Is the crazy.

Oh, wait, that is you.

Yeah, but it's not my head. I never looked like this. I thought it was. They shaved it or something. It's my bad. That's so funny, dude. That's crazy. Dude. With AI now, it's like anything is possible. What the fuck?

That looks wild.

Well, this is not a before and after. That's the thing that Internet make that.

A before and after. Just the bonds hairs transplants. Because. Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you, and it's fucking hysterical. Like they. If you type in Bert Kreischer fat. All the pictures have been doctored, and they don't bother me because they're not real. The real ones bothered me. Oh, yeah, the real ones.

Well, this is that.

Was that. Is that really you?

This is really me. This is after I got my hair transplant. The. They put all this. They inject all this stuff in your head, but it starts to come down your face. It's like pain reducers or whatever. So at some point you look like.

God, you look like the guy from Ghostbusters through too. Holy.

Dude, I look like I did a lot of cocaine. That was.

Could you do. Could you do pills? Those pain pills?

Oh, I don't know if you could take ibuprofen. I think there was something you could take.

Could you take like pain pills? Yeah, yeah.

They give you two pain pills right when you go in there and then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows. My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there. So it was like the shows were Bollywood.

I want to do that, dude. There's one type in Bollywood, motorcycle motorcycle dance. There's. I was so for a promo, I wanted to recreate this and I was gonna fly to Bollywood.

All right.

And do my promo in Bollywood, dude. Money goes pretty far in Bollywood. So I could pay like 10 grand to get a full fucking production. Bollywood motorcycle dance. That's it. I bet that's it. Bollywood music video guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance. I'll get all the people. You gotta find the. Nevermind Internet.

But look at this. This probably costs $40.

Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful.

It's a whole movie. Yeah.

I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.

Well, they linge. They have a lot more joy of like.

I love this. I bet I could do this dance pretty easy.

Well, they. Oh, this is a lot of people. These people end up working at Disney World.

I think they have a Bali. Bali Disney. Bollywood, Disney, Yeah.

Do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh?

No, I mean, I went out to dinner with a couple and they're good. And they go, did you Leanne? And I just went to Paris and they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like, no. And they're like, why not? And I was like, so fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went, it's so awesome. And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you.

Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, they went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. Oh, as opposed to just being in Paris. They went to Disney in Paris.

Like, why go all the way there?

It's the same fucking Disney. Go to Orlando, get. Save some fucking money. Stay here, Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day. They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who, by the way, just as Mickey Mouse. It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. They're like, it was amazing. Can you imagine?

No, I can't imagine. But then sometimes actually I went to China one time or somewhere And I had to get McDonald's because that's fine.

That's totally fine. That's like, hey, man, this is my culture. I want to see how you represent my culture.

Yeah, but going to see Mickey, you.

Go to Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse. Good.

Come on.

What the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, I don't. I listen. When I travel, I like to do. I like to. I like to. I don't want to get up a crack of dawn and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in. I want to wake up, I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it. And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like 2 in the morning, know you can sleep in the next day, wake up, go for a jog. That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.

Damn. You heard it right there. Disney. You heard it. Don't even come after him, do you? Oh, I want to talk about that steroid Olympics a little bit. Go back to it because I'm just curious about this.

This is going to be awesome, dude.

Well, I'm just intrigued. I think we're going to start seeing more. I've long wanted to do a game show of, like, stereotypes versus each other, right? Like, there's like, Family Feud. It's like the Ronsons versus the Hamiltons, right? But I want to see, like, the gays versus the Yiddish or whatever, you know? Like, I want to see, like, dark blacks verse. Bakers, can I.

Can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?

Yeah.

What if, right. You don't know what the other team you're playing against is? And in playing the game, you got to guess what they are. So, like, they're all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, you're the team you're playing against. Said Jamaica.

Yeah.

And then the other.

Birmingham.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then. And then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are. Okay, Never mind. Bad pitch. Because you could just lie and misdirect people. Keep going.

But maybe that's part of. There could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it. But I would love to see the stereotype games. I think that that's where we're definitely headed. Stereotype games like asshole kids, Like ADHD kids, verse or whatever, you know, that's not.

No, that would probably.

We got that one out.

But ADH kids versus autistic kids. Yes, that would be great, dude. And autistic kids don't need to talk. They do. Mental telepathy. Yeah, they don't talk anymore. They just. Just saw a documentary on that. Google it. And. And you put the two of them against each other, it'd be great.

But I think there's a lot of, like, kids suffering from smallpox. Verse. Fat kids or whatever.

What about this game show? All right, It's. It's you fuck what you get. Okay? That's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up, okay? Like, we bring up the ovon, and you have a room full of 100 women. And you. Guys, guys, ladies, on your. By your chair, you'll see a little panel. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate Theo Vaughn, you present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand up comedian. I have a podcast. I'm, you know, I'm on tour. Born in March. Yeah, Give him your sign.

My birthday comes out the day after your special.

Does I like to. For real?

March 19th.

For real.

You said March 18th. It is. Yeah, yeah, March 18th.

Nice.

March 19th.

And then, and then your ladies rate him on what you think. And so they go, theo Vaughn is an 8. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre rated every single one of you, so look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six. He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd. And you're like, all right. You are what Theo's willing to fucking now. Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you, if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation. You gotta go to Paris Disney. But if you pick the eight, we're gonna send you to Bali and you're gonna be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10. The fucking hottest out of your league. You can't get her by number standards. You can't get her. And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are.

What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people.

I'd go, ball. I'd go with an 8 to Bali.

I go with an 8 to Bali, too. I did with a 6 to Bali.

Did you really?

I would. More my wife, but I don't know. She's like, more like a six and a half.

Is she?

I think so. I think she's getting prettier the older she gets.

You know what? I thought that the other day. I didn't think like that. I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty. That's.

You know what? Can I do a secret time?

Yeah.

The. One of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said. I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast out of Zany's, and you came by to say hi and support her.

Oh, yeah.

And she called me bawling, crying. She goes, you know. She goes, that. I was so nervous, and I was so. You know, I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it. You know, and. And she goes, baby, I was. I just. I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying. She goes, theo came. And I went, what? She goes, theo came? She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself, because they're real people. She goes, theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was. I got emotional telling it because I was like. I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business.

Yeah.

And I. But thank you for doing that. That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done.

Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that.

Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are.

Sometimes you forget things. You do.

That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team? Sure.

It only took him 11 minutes.

Look at this. Look at this. Jeffyo promo video for my new tour. Coming right. Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good. Deal.

Oh, my God. Turkish hairline. Look at this.

Look at this. Deal. How great is this?

So good. God, I would have been the best Indian.

You would have your hair, that wind blowing in your hair.

And I think just my attitude. I would have had a good time over there.

You think so?

Yeah.

Theo, you would have never left your cast system. Are you going to AI? Theo's facing it.

I was gonna do you, but.

Do me. Do me, do me, do me. Yeah, please do. Hey, wait. Think about this.

Looks like this is an AI.

You would have never left your nose. Just Indians.

I would have found a way out.

No, you can't. That's India.

I would have found a way. No, that's our movie, dude. Cast travelers or something.

Or cast time casters.

Time casters. You know, I like to save money. I do. I like to make money and I like to keep it and put it somewhere safe. I don't like taking a ton of risks. I don't like a. I don't like a lot of uncertainty. And that's why I do like Acorns. I've really come to admire this company. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now. Even if all you've got is spare change. I'll tell you point blank that I've opened up Acorns accounts for my nieces and nephews and I just admire the way that they do it. I admire their outlook on finances. You can sign up now and join the over 13 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $24 billion with Acorns. Plus Acorns will boost your new account with a twenty dollar bonus investment offer available at acorns.com the that's a C O R-N-S.com theo to get your twenty bonus investment today.

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Rates will rise or fall. Inflation's up, inflation's down. Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Until then, over 41,000 businesses have future proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle, the number one cloud ERP bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform. I admire this type of software that helps you keep things together, makes things easier, and lets you spend more time focusing on what's truly important to you. If I had needed this product, it's what I'd use. And maybe someday we will. Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions. Wow. NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's Guide to AI and Machine Learning at netsuite.com the guide is free to you at netsuite.com Theo. That's right. Netsuite.com Theo, are you gonna do more movies?

Did you like it?

We're making our movie right now.

You just made it.

Well, we still have five days left.

Oh, for real?

Yeah.

I know that.

I don't know. We'll see. I am happy that we did it.

Can I ask you an honest question?

Yeah. 100.

This is why I don't do. I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects. Because I. I noticed that I have, for lack of better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control.

Yeah.

And I. And I don't. I'm not good at it. So, like, I did something for someone one time and the whole time I. In my head I was like, I'm wasting my life. I'm wasting my life. I'm in makeup and no one's treating me with respect. And I. And I'm fucking. And I was like, I'm just sitting in the goddamn trailer waiting for some 18 year old to come and tell me it's time. And I can't walk around And I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just giving you a heads up, notice this in yourself and do and get. Don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they.

Didn'T, like Lively or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But I'm Team Blake Lively. I like her, I think. Yeah.

I don't. I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.

But, like. But did you. In doing it, did you. Because I know how internal you are and I know how, like, kind of pensive you are. Did you. Were there parts of it, you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that, or, oh, for sure.

I think there's some of that I'm still learning. Yeah. Like, there's just, like, certain, like, ways to, like, do the script differently, to, like, certain have less scripts. We'd have more time to shoot certain scenes. Like, that's one thing. It's like we just kind of run out of time, you know, so it's like we can't, you know, so, you know, you can only get so much coverages or whatever. What else? I don't know if I would ever do the acting again. I would like to do the producing or writing, but I do. I only like to. I'm the same. I just only want to do things that. That I am in control of, right?

Yes.

Because for me, it's just. I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem. I don't want somebody else to have a say. I don't want anybody have any ownership over my voice. That's it for me. It's like when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have. I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that. I don't know what it is, but internally, somewhere in there, that's what it is for me. So it's like, I don't want to have to say anybody else's lines. I just want to do what I want to do. And if I live or die on that, then that's fine, but at least it's just me, you know?

Do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something they want, they want you to come in and do something, and then they're like, try to, like, script it for you a little bit? Like, my example is like, they'll be like, you're taking shirt off, right? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. It's fucking 10 degrees out here. And they're like, okay. But it's coming off, though, right? It's like, maybe you just come in and rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer. And I'm like, why? I also talk. Yeah, but it's like, it's. Sometimes you get. If. Especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer. They go like. So you'll just like, they did it today and were like, he's just come in like a hurricane, like, with his hands going up like this. And he'd be like, ah. But there was no. Did they. Do you find that happening to you ever?

No, I don't do anything. I only do our own stuff. Like, I don't ever do anything that I don't. I don't ever do anything else except for, like, our own things. So me and Spade wrote that movie. I knew that he's a great actor, one of the funniest guys I know, so he would be able to carry it. I'm like, the second guy who, like, is kind of where this is like a dumb buddy movie. And so I never put myself in a position where somebody have to be like, you have to do something like this, you know, because. Goes back to your reason. I learned I don't do well in that situation. Like, you know, I tried to do a. Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago, and I had to leave once I got there, because once I. They didn't give you the script till you got there. And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized, oh, this isn't. It just doesn't fit for me. It doesn't work with who I want to be. They have.

How hard is that to do?

To leave?

Yeah.

Oh, it definitely was hard. It was a hard, like, you know, text to send. I sent it all in, cap, so they would know I was serious about it, whatever. But, yeah, it was.

Wait, what did the movie come out?

Huh?

What movie was.

Yeah. Tomorrow War. That movie Tomorrow War.

No.

And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself. It took 12 weeks.

Wait, with Tom Cruise?

Dude, that's. Damn. Chris Pratt, brother.

That's Chris Pratt.

It's a new. Yeah.

The Tomorrow War. What was that about?

It's about.

On Amazon.

People went in the past. I can't even remember. It was kind of confusing. But it was great. It was fun. I'm glad that I got to do it. Sorry. I'm glad I didn't get to do it. Jesus. But. But I saw Chris, who ended up playing you just somewhat. They just moved the lines over to some other guy.

Oh, they didn't.

Like, I tried to get Josh Wolf in, and I remember as a substitute, but they just moved the lines over to a different character. But when I watched it back, the guy had two lines, and it would. I would have better be there for 12 weeks. It just wasn't a good fit. Right.

The first movie I ever had, her friend did. Tom did a movie with Mark Wall. No. Mark Wahlberg.

Yeah.

And he was there for, like, five weeks. And I was like. I was like, oh, cool. You're so. You're in a lot of scenes. He's like, I'm in, like, two scenes. I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks. He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie. I was like, well, I'm Guess I'm not making a movie. And then I was like, I'm not gonna sit in a hotel for five weeks. You gotta be kidding me.

I like, yeah, that was the thing. It was a law. It was a long time, and it was in Atlanta, and also, I didn't know anybody on the set except for Marilyn Ricega was there. And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages. So I'd never met him.

Yeah. So that's an easy text to send then.

Yeah, it was chill. And I actually did call the director, too, and I called him and. And just shared our thought, and they were. They were cool about it, you know? But then there was, like, a thing, like, in Hollywood, like, this guy might back out of your movie. So I was like, I don't fucking care, dude. Like, long as I was cool with Chris, everything was fine. It was fine with me, you know? But that's when I realized, oh, I can't do something if it's not my own thing. And I. I'm not going to be able to say, oh, we're. We're keeping that, or we're not keeping that, or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing. Then I just can't do that. For me, it's just how I work, you know?

When I got back from Serbia, someone had written a part in a TV show for me, and they text me like, yo, I wrote a part for you. And I was like, oh, I'm. Yeah. I'm not gonna do it. He's like, we haven't even read it. And I was like, I know that, but it's not my show.

Yeah.

He was like, but hold on, hang on. I wrote it for you. And I went, okay. I don't know what to tell you, but I can tell. I can just tell you.

Yeah.

That if I go onto your show, I'm gonna have feelings, and I'm probably not gonna be great, and I'm gonna be in a fucking different city for my family. And I just got back from Serbia, and I kind of want to go on tour, and I kind of want to do my podcast, and I kind of want to, like. I don't want to go on to another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking want to eat, snorts coke or whatever, you know? And so he was like. And I was like, and I'm friends with you, and right now it seems we're friends.

Right?

Let's just keep the friendship. And then I don't. We don't have to work together.

Yeah.

It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend. Write a part for me. And now I'm just like, no, please don't write a part for me.

Yeah, I think it's. I'm trying to think a little bit more about it. I mean, this was like. I just remember thinking, because we wrote it and then we. Nobody wanted to direct it. Nobody wanted to help us with it. No agent, no producers.

Are you kidding? Can wait. For anyone listening. That's how tough Hollywood is right now. Right now they are not making movies.

No, I think they just didn't. And also, like, they don't want. I don't know. If they don't want certain people to have voices, it seemed easier for other people to make movies. Right? I'll say that. But also.

Wait, wait. I know what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, it seemed easier for other people to make movies, but.

You mean. You mean you2 cis gendered white privileged males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood. But that's the funniest fucking thing that there's. Because there is semi a truth to that. But. But also, we have had opportunities our entire life. But also, it's like, you talk to any fucking writer. Any writer in Hollywood who's like 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job. Like, they cannot work. And they're. And they lose and These are all liberals. Yeah. Like, you gotta realize a Hollywood liberal writer, man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts.

That's crazy.

It's crazy. I talked to any of them. They're all like, fucking, dude. Whatever's happening in Hollywood. I was like, you've had a good run.

Yeah, I think. Well, I just. Then it was like, well, we have to do. It was like, I don't like thinking that if you say I can't do it, there's a part of me that wants to just show you that I can do it. Right. Like, I don't. I'm not a great actor. Right. I know that, and that's fine with me.

I wouldn't say that. Well, I wouldn't say that because it's not real.

I have some moments that are good in this thing, but the therapy movie.

You're awesome.

That's sweet of you.

Yeah.

It was easier for me to play, like, a disgruntled person kind of, than I think, like, a dumb buddy kind of thing. It's. For some reason, I've felt like that. But then also, I'm, like, going back and looking at the things, and I'm like. Like, thinking of what else needs to be in the scene. Like, my mind's kind of, like, all over the place. But I do think that it's funny. The script is super funny. I'm curious to see how it was shot, how that plays out and stuff, so. And I'm just glad that I think when I look back on my life, you know, I'll be glad that I got to do a movie with David Spade and.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like, yeah, we funded ourselves. We did, like. We did it all. It's like.

Like, it's crazy wild to me, because you guys are. I mean, David is a. David's a legend. David Spade is like, I always think he's a legend. When you look at, like, SNL. Right. Did you watch 50 Years?

Yeah, I was there.

You were there?

No, I was there for the 50th. I was there Friday and Saturday night.

Okay. But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. And I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50, because you watched a lot of it.

Yeah.

If you're. If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racist.

Yeah. Like, where's Timothee Chalamet?

Yeah, where's Timothee Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson not More sketches. Where's. Where's fucking, you know, chaperone. Chaperone. And. But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing Tracy Morgan. Did you see that?

I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy Black. Jeopardy, you mean?

Yeah. Where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan, who's.

So maybe I didn't pick up that. That's what it was.

Oh, did you see it?

Yeah, yeah, I saw this right here.

Yeah. See the name Tracy underneath it?

Oh. Oh, now I get it.

What did you think he was doing?

I didn't know what he was doing. I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever.

No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. It was. This was my favorite sketch ever.

We can't play it because it'll blame it.

Sorry. But it. Do that is it. It was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like. When you look at. So when you look at comedy history. Right?

Yeah.

When they, when they talk about comedy history now, it's kind of. It's kind of interesting, I think, because you look back at the last 50 years.

Yeah.

And there's only like a handful of names. But, but, but legends that'll. Like Belzer. He'll be remembered.

Richard Belzer.

Yeah. And Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld. These. Eddie Murphy, Bill. Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl Labov will be remembered like they're. He was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics, like, so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation. Out of all the SNL people, he. He has had one of the most probably fucking crystal clear, pristine, hysterical. His movies will fucking forever be talked about. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep meat, Joe Dirt, the fucking all. He's a legend. And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you ever. Like, you're ever going to get to do.

Yeah, that's what I felt like. I was like, I just. I have to do it. And we made it ourselves. It's like. We made it. It's like we don't have anybody telling us what to do. And that's what I realized. I was like, oh, if I. If we say it went in the script and it went in the script and then went on the screen. If I Had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way, then I wouldn't be able to do it right. I just. I wouldn't. Like you're saying. I just know it would not react well with me viscerally.

And if someone's like, Theo, I don't get it. It. You'd be like, hold on, hang on. I hit dingers. Like. Like what I do is just tell jokes and I'm just funny. So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And a lot of people be like, I don't know.

Yeah, I couldn't have. Especially like when you see a lot of the funny. Like. But also I got to see how this thing is, how it looks when it's done. Like, I have no fucking clue. The script is super funny. We put all our own jokes in it. We wrote it for two years. Like, we definitely. So. But I have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes which are all done out of order, to then it being an actual. You know, how it. Like that I cannot. My brain can't matric or like figure all that out. Like. But we had some funny. Yeah, like, Nate Diaz has a role.

I saw Nate posted about it today.

Tim Dylan has a plays the manager, Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee came in and did Patterson. Yep. We got William McCullough, William Montgomery. Montgomery, Casey, Rocket, some of the Kill Tony guys, and to some others, some other also like great actors stuff. But then we also didn't want to over do it and have everybody. You knew there's Spady right there and. And Nate Diaz, dude. Hilarious.

That's a picture I saw.

Oh, yeah, that was cool, dude. That was so much fun. And I think I'll look back and be like, man, this thing was. Cost you a ton of money and it wasn't worth it. But, man, you had a good time. That's what I think.

When. When I. When I did. When I did the Machine the very first night, I was like, I'm not gonna drink.

There's Chris Avila right there. That's Nate's buddy. But it's. I mean, it's a real like when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real movie.

Yeah.

And I have one thing I got on set was ice bath and sauna.

Really?

There's a portable company and they have ice bath and sauna. And they bring in. They set it up right there for real. And that was like the one thing because I knew I was gonna be able to go to a ton of AA meetings. So I was like, I'm gonna have to have something to, like, hijack my system to, like, help me. So I don't, you know. You know, Or. When was the last time you shot a place up? Never, but it's like, you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people, you know, especially around your friend.

What was the last. When was the last time you fell off the wagon?

Oh, man.

What's it like when you real. Like, the morning after. Is it. Is it, like, shameful, or you go like. Like, is it. Because that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't want to fucking. I don't want to relapse like that. Like, honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult because you. You're doing so well, and you're like, I'm feel good. I'm losing weight. I feel happy. Like, well, I don't want to drink. And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise, and it's champagne. And then the next morning, it's just like the.

You.

You let everyone down. Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking, right? So, like. But, like.

Well, I see that pressure of letting everybody down.

That's why. That's my pressure is why I'm. I terrified to quit drinking.

You're afraid to quit drinking because you don't want to, because then if you relapse and you'll have let everybody down. That's crazy, dude.

I thought. I thought you were gonna say it was brilliant. No, it's like the same way. Like, you ever see. You ever see someone that loses weight? Right? Yeah, and they're like, I lost, like, £90. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some, and you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat. That fat was good for you.

Will. You see people losing weight, and suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside them is finally coming out to play or whatever. You start to see that coming to the surface like a fish coming to the surface.

You know, sometimes.

Sometimes you see that sometimes people lose.

Weight and they're like. And you're like, I like to fat.

Oh, yeah. I knew a guy like that. He used to clean the pool over at my friend's house. And one time I was there catching some rays, and he shows up, and I hadn't seen him in forever. And he'd lost 170 pounds or something. This dude comes in and. And he. He's walking around the pool, and I'm like, like.

And.

And he kind of looking at me, but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy. Yeah, I knew him well.

So you're looking for the fat pool guy that.

No, I could have this. I was like, maybe this is his brother, his son, or maybe they got a new guy. I didn't say anything to the dude. So we're out there around each other for, like, 45 minutes and say anything. And then later that evening, I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy? And they're like, no, that's the same guy. He lost 190 pounds. I was like, isn't that crazy?

You can change because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality. Oh, yeah, because there's a narcissism. And by the way, take what I'm. With every grain of salt. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny. I want to get ripped. Like, it's okay to get healthy, but, like, when you go, like. And look, if you're £400, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race? Like, what if you. Like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah, just to be like, oh, you eating a lot of blueberries? Like, I'm gonna be black.

Like, yeah, we got a game on Thursday. Like, I'm gonna polish off a few before I go into practice. That's what I would do. If blackberries really made you black.

Yeah, you're eating a lot of matzah. You know, like, taxes are due in April. You know how it is.

Yeah. Trying to say, yeah, gonna cut some.

Corn up with the burritos. You're like, oh, my yard's a mess. I gotta clean that up. Jesus.

Yeah, somebody's gotta do it.

What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit, that's all. Just want to get my good credit score content.

Well, what's up with eating? And you're like, I don't know. That's just for fun.

What's up with all those hot dogs?

I don't say anything, dude. What about being the first gay dude ever. It must have been crazy. Imagine everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens. You get hit by lightning or whatever, and suddenly you're gay. And you're like, oh, my God. Like, you're just talking to your buddy who you've. Who you've talked to every day for years, and. And you're just, like, thinking, like, I'm gonna stuff his face with some wiener. And you're like, what? And. And then you, like, don't, like, imagine that, because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys, but I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know?

And people were like, yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that.

Yeah.

And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy. You're like, were you. Were you like. I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach, and he was like, hey, man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I want to run it by you and see if you think it.

Oh, I say no. When people say that kind of shit. I fucking.

Oh. I said, yes. I said, yeah. We were drinking. We were smoking weed. I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says, they don't do that I do. And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay. But I do it, and I'm not gay. I just wanted to, like, run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay, what's the thing? And he goes, I jerk off. And I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I went, I jerk off, too. I jerk off, too. Oh, my God. I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off, because that's what they tell you at Catholic school. You don't jerk off. Don't touch yourself. It means you're gay. You want to play with dicks. That was what must be being gay and meeting another gay for the first time. Feels like you're like, oh, my God, I want to suck dick too.

God.

But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, I would.

Love to see that. I would love.

I would love gays in the wild or whatever.

Like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men.

The Memphis homosexual.

Yeah. And you can watch them kind of feel each other out.

Yeah. Perusing the whole foods produce section.

What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player, who then is like, you can't tell me I'm gay. I'm gonna beat your ass. And you're like, okay, you know?

Yeah.

Like, that's like.

Yeah. Like, why do I get my ass beat? Just because you're being gay or whatever. That didn't make any sense.

I would wish. I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if, like, on Instagram, I guess you could. But you can find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up. Growing up.

And apologized to him or whatever.

So, no, I don't need to apologize. Just to know who they are.

Oh, yeah. To see who they are. Yeah. Dude, I think in the future, you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay. My buddy's dad used to get. He'd get, like, the hiccups if people were gay. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, like. Like, allergic to gay people.

No, he would just have, like, a. He would just, like. He'd be like. And he. He.

Like an allergy.

Yeah.

Like. Like, all of a sudden, if a gay person got too close to me, and you're like, oh, you're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water. Quick. Count the 10 while you drink it. 10 sips.

Yeah. Stand on your head.

Stand on your head. Quick, quick, quick. Either that or you're getting the out of here.

Stand on your head or somebody's gay.

Dude.

It's just so crazy that being gay was always, like, the funniest thing, though, too, to people, like, you know.

Yeah. It still is funny, I think.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's like.

It's so different.

I mean, I. I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys. I'm sure that. I'm sure they do. About, like, the way we think, and they're like, oh, yeah, I want all that.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Who wants.

Yeah, they want that long pussy, that wiener.

I mean, everything. Everything. Like, you ever seen white me? People make fun of. Black people make fun of white people's texts. It's so good. But, like, the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate. Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a Text. And they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up. Hold on. There was a text, H, O, S B. And they were like, what do you think? They said it's a black dude reading it. He speaks white. And he goes. They go. And his girlfriend's like, what is hsoob? What would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's. Hold on one damn second, Buddy. And everyone's. And they're like, what? They put buddy on the end of it, and he's like, oh, yeah. And. But, like, they find that funny.

Yeah.

So, like, everything. Everything. You can find everything funny. Like, I, like, I still think like. Like I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time and I went up to behind Tom and.

I went, actual glass. Wine glass.

Yeah.

That's very dangerous.

Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.

Oh, yeah.

And I went, cocktail. And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do.

Yeah.

I love it. I love it. I love.

I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener. Right?

That's not where I thought you were going with that.

You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your win, and kind of wrap your wiener up so it almost looks like a half. Like a baby head coming out of your body. Right. And you'd be like, I'm having a baby, or whatever, you know?

Yeah.

And. And then people will be like, what the are you doing? Kind of run off and hide or whatever.

The library. What the fuck?

Oh, dude. There was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you're a kid. It was basically just like. It was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's, like, obsessed with Voltaire or whatever, and you and your friends were just in there being loud. There was, like, one other person in a wheelchair in there. It, like, never made any fucking sense. They're just in there, like, in the. They're just, like, wandering the halls of the old Internet or whatever.

Like, they wanted to teach us the Dewey decimal System so bad when we.

Were kids, the library was always ridiculous. I felt like, what was I going to ask you about? Oh, so, yeah, the. Yeah. I wonder if people would watch the Steroid Olympics or if it would be too much for people.

Why not?

Because you're going to get people that are going to be risky.

No, but why even have the regular Olympics?

Well, regular Olympics are regular. You know, everybody. The playing field is even Playing fields.

Even when you use drugs?

Yeah.

Right. I mean. I mean, why? Honestly, like, if you're like, okay, what are you gonna watch? I want to watch high jump. A guy can high jump seven feet and you're like, that's cool. They're like, There's a dude 10ft. What do you mean? Like over a basketball hoop? Like, yeah, 10ft. It's like fucking crazy. And they light it on fire and you're like, oh, what? Put that one on. It's like. I mean, it's just like. Like supply and demand. And what do you want to watch? You know, a guy sprint? Like, sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill. I want to watch that head to head. But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys. And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah. And you're like, whoa. I mean, physical capabilities. When you see people, it's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroid. Why would you ever put the two together? I want to see the big ones, but.

But I just worry about the ramification. Like somebody's. But I guess if they want to do it. But you're going to blow your body out.

How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy SOS were. How great was baseball to your point? It was so great. And then they ruined it by taking steroids away. And these guys weren't. I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing. I don't know.

They were doing steroids.

Yeah, but I think it was all for recovery. I mean, it wasn't. Wasn't like they were like. I don't think they were doing deck. I think they were doing trt, if I'm not mistaken. I don't remember.

I don't really know, but they were pretty jacked. They were on something. Their heads were growing. That's the thing. It's like if you.

My head's growing.

Your head is.

I have a size 8 head and now my head. Eight size 8 hats.

Because of the TRT, I guess.

I don't know.

Well, that's the thing, dude. It's like, if you start getting on the drugs, then, like, you're gonna have a lot of forehead monsters out there just wandering around, you know, just. I just wonder what type of intention is jumping into the stands and punching their wife or something.

Yes.

Like, you're gonna have, like, just. It's just gonna get pretty intense. Somebody throw the javelin out in the parking lot or whatever.

They, you know, and hit that guy.

That works in the booth.

Hgh. Okay.

That's human growth hormone is the crazy one.

That's crazy.

You show up in. Their hands are bigger and. And they're. They can catch a fish. They can just easily catch a fish.

And they don't even. Yeah. Before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is insane.

Oh, yeah, brother.

Look at him. Look at him.

Yeah, it's like. You're not even. It's like. But your skeleton and stuff grows. That's the thing, dude. Or what if. Then they had. They had, like, the fasting games. It's like people that haven't eaten in months or what? And they have to play. They have to do the Olympics, and it's just like this. It's like going up two stairs or whatever.

I paid for UFC or getting out.

Of a blanket fully, but you haven't eaten in, like, months. And you're just so. You have no energy.

I like that. I want.

I want to challenge ASMR type of game.

I challenged Israel Adesanya to. As a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like, Izzy. I talked to Izzy about it, and he was like. Like, I'm not gonna lie. It'll be an interesting fight. Because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me. Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and like. And like. And Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink. But Shane Gillis can drink 12 beers and not feel a thing.

Yeah. Like, oh, I think it'd be. I think Izzy would beat the ever living shit out of both of you guys, to be honest. First of all.

Yeah, I think so.

Difficulty. He's great at it because it's really just taking both of you guys the same, which. Your current levels. Giving you each 12 years.

Yeah. And just giving us 12 years. We haven't increased our. Our level at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're trying to diminish his. But even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fighter.

Yeah. So that's a part that would be risque.

He came to my New Zealand show, and he and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears. I wanted to do it. And he came up, and they're like. I got a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay. But I've said some joking. Wild. Like, I said it about everyone. I do it to everyone. I did to Connor. I did it. I just like guys I know have sense of humor. The Cage fighters. I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisping. They're funny.

Oh, yeah, Most of those guys are.

Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy. But I don't. That I don't mention those guys. Sugar, Sean. Great dude. He is awesome.

He has the best sense of humor.

Dude. Connor, Hysterical Nate. Diaz. Fucking love Nate. Nick, all of them. But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor. Like, I don't. And then everyone's like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, you want to come to my. Can I come to your show? I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I got him tickets. And he comes back and he's with, like, all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine. And he grabs me and he's. He holds me by the neck real tight, and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach. He goes, you still want to fucking fight me? And I went, no. And he goes, ah, Just kidding around. I was like, oh, my God. I would have been fucking destroyed. This man is so fucking strong and so quick and just bigger.

Yeah, I think they'll just gift wrap you like. They work at the mall at that place where you get that nice rapping or whatever. He'll tie you up with his feet. That'd be crazy if he gift wrapped you with his own feet. Do you. You guys have a 5K coming up? I saw.

Oh, yeah, two bears. 5K. You gonna run, run, run?

I'm not gonna run this year.

Why not?

I just can't do it.

Why?

I just don't think I could do it.

Yeah, you could.

I don't know. Theo and Jelly Rolls on it, though. Dude, I saw jelly roll. Is Tom1Ozempic, do you think? Is Tom1Ozempic?

I don't. No. He just works out really hard.

Oh, he looks so thin here.

No. Yeah. No, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. He's. Right now he's like £186.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he's really thin. Yeah, he works out really hard and he watches everything he eats.

Wow. So he's really locked in on that.

Yeah, he's really.

I Saw General two nights ago. The healthiest I've seen him look.

Jelly is down £130 and he looks, looks great. And, and the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.

They look happy. You look immensely scared of getting some results back.

Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on Two Bears. Me and Tom said we'll just do a 5K because I've always run. I ran the LA Marathon. I've run half marathons, tough mudders, Spartan races. I've done all of them. I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun. 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the super bowl and I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas like big tentpole, stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed. Barely any of them showed up. But Jelly Roll heard it and he went on Nelk Boys podcast. And he was like, I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on busting with the Bears. You forget how big he was. And so he said, I'm going to commit to Burt and Tom's two bears 5K. And I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training.

And I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. Does this get any better? I was like, it doesn't. It takes a while before it starts getting better. And he did. Came out like good to his word. Came out to LA, did the 5k with me. I wore a 50 pound weight vest. Look at how big. Wow.

He's pretty good.

How big he was.

He looks so. Man. I saw him the other night, I literally grabbed his face and I was.

Like, oh my, he looks great, dude. Look at it, by the way, look at Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks.

Taylor's so lean now, dude. He said he's modeling or something.

It's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink 182.

All the small things. Yeah, totally. He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his too. That's what I heard.

So Jelly. So Jelly came out to. Jelly came out for the two bears 5k last year and we did it. And I wore 50 pound weight fest.

He did it last year.

He did last year. He did it last year. He lost, like, 70 pounds. People magazine did a big write up on him. He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop. And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like, Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race, like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it. Me, his wife Bunny, and my wife Leanne and him, we walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed. As we crossed the line, he was crying, Bunny was crying, Liam was crying. You know, I was crying. And Jelly's like, you might have. Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year. So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4, at Raymond James Stadium. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be such a big fucking event. Like, it is.

Y'all are doing it at Raymond James.

We're doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb. We've got.

People are just. People are coming out and doing it with y'all.

People are doing the 5K. I'm gonna do it. I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm gonna run the first heat, I'm gonna run the second heat, and then I'm on the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne and.

How far is it? Seven miles.

No, it's five, Three miles. It's so doable.

Oh, it is.

You could do it.

Oh, I could do it. Yeah. I know I could do it, right? Well, here's what happened to me. I broke my toe, like, probably three weeks ago. So I'm dealing with that right now. Big toe, second from the right. The one next to the little piggy or whatever. And.

Wait, what? Foot. Right foot, second from the right. The little. Next to the little piggy.

Yeah, I broke it, dude. And so it's been miserable. So I haven't been able to. There's so many things I've been able to do.

What do you do for working out?

I do a lot of yoga right now, and then I'll just do, like, circuit training, but, like, find, like, four exercises. Do four reps of them, you know, and do that four times, and then I'll do Like, three blocks of those.

Yeah.

But this past three weeks has been miserable. It's been like, sucks when you break it toe, dude. It's unbelievable. I was like, you got to be kidding me. You can't hardly do anything. I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody. People like you can't even hug or whatever you. Or whatever you hug.

I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe. My big toe. The toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. Yeah. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It was. It was so. It was. It happened December. It happened January. January 1st. January 1st. So it's been a month. And now they're fine.

They're fine already.

Yeah. Testosterone.

Testosterone helps, huh?

Oh, so reparative.

Am I doing?

What are you doing?

I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair.

You're not gonna lose your hair. You can always give so much hair. Can I have some?

No.

I would love some of your hair.

But here's what happens. People say you're not gonna lose your hair, and then you. Why? I tried TRT one time a few years ago, and I lost some of my hair.

No.

Yeah, I did.

God damn it. Is that. Wait, can I see the new hair?

Huh?

Is that new hair?

You can't really see it. They just kind of put it in there. And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back. I think I just had so much stress.

You look like you have a ton of hair right now.

I was shedding.

What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs. So then it'll be perfectly peppered.

Somebody see me? You had also my favorite musician right now, one of. Anyway, Steven Wilson Jr. Was on your podcast. Every bones and tether. You want to change my name Gotta drain my blood Everything I am Everything he want. He's the best.

He is really great. I'm a song. I'm a song.

I know you love that one. I've listened to that one a couple times. It's not my favorite.

You serious?

I've listened to it because I know you like it. Yeah, I've listened to it. It's just. And I know how much you love it.

I love it, dude, because it's so beautiful that it. I remember the song I lost my virginity to. I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs. For me, like, I get very emotional listening to music. I. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying. And did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing on a song, and I went. And he goes. And he had to stop. He goes, burt, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud. But, man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played, and I was like. I was like, shut the up, dude. Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.

You know, listen. No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to him that much.

I've had. I've had very, very. I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these. This band is so fucking great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys come and girls come over and play music for me because I just. I love music. And I think sometimes, like, I'm good at a podcast, like, if I. If I'm talking to you because. Because I don't know. But sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best because I don't, like. I don't know, I'm not great, you know, but with musicians, I'm so much. I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are, and I don't know anything about them. And you get to kind of deep dive them and then. And then. And you've had some great musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.

Oh, yeah, Billy Strings. He took me fishing one day too. He's such a special.

For real.

Yeah, he's just the most. He's so normal. He's. He's so not a celebrity or, you know, he's just a normal guy.

Do you think you're not a celebrity?

I think. I don't like the celebrity part of it. I don't see a lot of value.

In it, but, like, you get a lot of access to cool.

It's a mirage. Yeah.

Like, that's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is. And I wouldn't say that you like it, but. But I noticed that you get. You travel and go see the events you want to see. Like, you get to go do everything. Like, I look at yours, I'm like, you're at ufc, you're at fucking Jelly Roll show, you're at Kid Rock. Show you're at. You're like, at the Republican National Command or whatever. The thing, the inauguration. Like, I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. Yeah. You don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way, so you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark.

Oh, yeah.

And I was like, that only comes with celebrity. And so.

Well, I'm a fan of hers. I'm a. I'm friends with her boyfriend.

Really?

Connor? Yeah, Connor Clark. No, Connor. It'd be crazy. It'd be illegal. It sounds like Connor McCaffrey, but no one.

Is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother?

No, I don't think they're related, but we went up to watch Caitlin, me and Caleb, and then that's how we met. Conor, you.

You interviewed Jesse Murphy.

Jesse Murph.

Jesse Murph, yeah.

She's the best.

That's the little girl that sings Cigarette card done out the with Jelly Roll.

Oh, wild ones, wild ones. 45 on them, about a hundred do always smoking something. Worry about nothing and he ain't got nothing to lose.

I got a thing for that. I texted. I DMed her one time. I was like. I. Like, I. I was like. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.

Yeah.

What did you think of the super bowl halftime show?

The super bowl halftime show. I thought. I tweeted about it that I thought it was boring. Right. And I. I only know, like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener. Right.

Okay.

Because. And then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet actually. Does. I just felt like. Well, I guess I felt like, why am I judging this? I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I think sometimes you forget that, like, people are gonna make a big. Could make a big deal out if you tweet something that you can't just say, like, whatever you want without some people having, like, reactions to it, maybe.

Well, dude, I mean, I think. I think it. I'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life, and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent. And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were going to see it. And you're like, like, if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours, and he sees it, and then he's like, oh, fuck.

I know. That sucks, right?

Yeah.

Right. I thought about that, but then I also. No, I just thought about, like, why am I. I think, like, two days that I was like, why am I. Why am I judging this guy? And then people are going to judge me. Like, what kind of energy am I really creating? I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting and I was just like, oh, this is. You know, I just. It was. It didn't feel like it was for me. I don't know. I didn't know enough of his songs.

I think that was the. I mean, there's. I think there's a bunch of issues. I think number one is his catalog. His catalog is very big in the culture. In. In white culture. I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only have, like, two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But, like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened, and, man, we loved it. It was really fun in the stadium. I. Maybe on tv, it didn't translate. It was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his. He was like. Because, you know, Kid Rock's.

You know, I remember he shot those Pepsis up when that fellow was drinking them. Gay Pepsi or whatever. He's got what we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light.

Oh, Bud Light. I'm sorry.

But he. But his take was. He did this for the culture. Like, Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful because Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop. In hip hop. And so his. His take was really kind of insightful. He's like, yo, he did this for the culture. He did this as representation of, like, everyone on stage is black. It was all about, like, inside what. What they listen to. I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude.

Yeah.

Here my take. Okay. It's fucking New Orleans. Like, kind of like, why not celebrate Boozy Wayne, Master P. Like, why not? The way they did la, right? And it doesn't have to be black. You know, I mean, I'm sure There's Harry Connick Jr. Sang at the beginning. There's a lot of talent that isn't. But New Orleans is like a black music town. Jazz, hip hop. I put juvie.

Oh, it would have been sick. But then somebody. I thought that, too. Somebody brought to my attention. But most of the people in New Orleans aren't at the game, probably. It's a lot of people. People from out of town. So then it's like, yeah, it's interesting. Do you celebrate the city? What is the real goal of whoever they put out there or why they put certain p like stars. But then also I thought. Then I thought, well, also a lot of the athletes are black. They may all. Kendrick might be one of their favorites. Just because I don't have. I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff. Doesn't mean I don't. That I wouldn't like it. I don't know. I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would. Bruno Mars, Jelly roll. Bruno Mars.

Bruno Mars is. There's no one. There's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to God damn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize. Yeah, it is. That guy is so talented. Justin Timberlake, I'm worth my money. New Kids on the Block, bring them back. I would be a cool super bowl.

Show maybe if they'd have done like some music over the years. But I think sometimes you just. You don't. You forget that just because you do. Like, if. If it wasn't me tweeting, nobody would have probably shared it or given a. Yeah, and I don't mean that in a way like an ego way, like. But sometimes you're just tweeting, just thinking, like, this is what I think. Nobody's gonna care.

I said. I said out loud, we should have been Lil Wayne and juvie and everyone. And then we were at. We were doing. I did a show at the super bowl with Nikki, Tony and Shane and I didn't even. I didn't even see my critique come back at me. But someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown. They should have performed here. And I went, oh, fuck. I was like, I didn't even think. I didn't even.

You guys asked me to come do it.

I think we did. Yeah.

I just couldn't.

Yeah, we did. Yeah.

I couldn't go home for the super bowl because I was. Had to do that movie.

God damn it. That's right. I did.

I wanted to be there.

Yeah, that guy.

Yeah, fuck that guy, you know? I mean, it's always something that's going to make you feel some type of way, I guess. And then it's like, I don't know. I mean. But then I was like, why do I fucking care? Like, and who needs to hear my opinion?

Okay, like that I'm interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know, did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican national or the Republican inauguration?

Yeah.

For real?

Yeah, I did get pushback about it, which I didn't really understand. Like, I would go if anybody invited me to go the inauguration, dude.

Yeah.

Like, people on the street where I grew up there, nobody's ever going to the inauguration. Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood, is ever going to the inauguration, probably ever. They're not. Some of these people cannot legally vote anymore. So the simple fact that I got to go, right? Bobby Kennedy is a friend of mine.

Bobby Kennedy is a sweet dude.

People are like, you're not. I'm going to support my fucking friend. I don't care if. If I have a friend that went to jail for even something serious, I would still go and, you know, maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread or whatever, you know, Like, I'm gonna be supportive. So, yeah, some of that. But I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration. So then I gotta start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person. Some of that's on them, you know? Like, I've even had friends that I've texted, and they'll be like, oh, it's. Didn't know you were so maga or whatever. And it was like, I've never ever in my life thought of myself as.

Maga, you know, I've never thought of you as. I've never thought of you as political. I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like, that's. I mean, that's my perspective. Like, I didn't. Honestly, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope. That's fucking crazy. Like, I would go in a heart. I'd go in a fucking heartbeat. I went to. I went to George Bush's when I was a kid. I went to George Bush's State of the Union. I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union and George Bush's State of the Union. No one ever called me on it. Like, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the it is. Yeah, I went to both. I went to the State of the Union. Like, every time we got a president, my uncle could get me in.

Wow.

And I. And I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working. And. And, like, I. If I got invited to an inauguration or a. I mean, I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer, and I was Like, I'm not gonna.

Yeah, I wouldn't. I think I got invited as that too. I wouldn't go to. I wouldn't do something like that.

I'm not gonna go. Like. Like go. Like, I'm gonna get you fans, right? But, like, if you invite me and I don't have to do and I can hang out, I go. I thought it was cool. Shit. Yeah.

I wouldn't go to support like one party. You know what I'm saying? Like, if somebody like, I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that, I wouldn't go do that, you know, and we just got lucky with that too. Would come on our podcast was Vance and Trump. Everybody got asked, everybody was in. Everybody was emailing with us, but they didn't want to come. Like. Like, there's nothing I can do about that. And then you expect that I'm not going to go. Kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came.

Yeah.

At least they gave a to come.

Do you now?

I think Trump, like him. What they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most up things I've ever heard of in my life. Kind of, you know, lost me.

That's how little I know about politics.

But so it's like, yeah, I don't know. That was kind of crazy, me. But then you got to realize, like, all you could. Like, I just have to just be myself, man. And I don't even know who that is sometimes. And so I'm still learning about who that is, you know?

Well, you should. What? I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right? Yeah, I'm saying this to hear it. But what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you and then everyone else. That's the truth is I'm trying to get to that the people that love you, love you and everyone else because you can't help someone that doesn't like you. That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text in one manner or another. They're bothered by everything good happening. Your life is a reflection of their shortcomings. And they're like, didn't know you were so maga. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah. If you ever think you could. I would never let anybody even put a pin in me that described me as one part of one group anyway. I will never be part of one group. I wouldn't even do that to myself. This is who I am.

I'M vegan.

They don't even have the group that I am, you know, and hey, buddy.

They do not have the group you are.

And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are. They don't have more complex than just being like, you're this or that, you know? Yeah. If they said, we had a 30k struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife, you know what I'm saying, Who loves a good brisket and johnson bra, you know what I'm saying? He cares about his kids a ton. Where's that group?

My group doesn't exist. My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey, man, you have a problem with your drinking? And I go, I'm doing pretty good.

Point, dude. Anybody that says you have a problem, you're doing pretty good.

There's always guys in the system or whatever it's called, and they're like, hey, man, you know you have a drinking problem. I go, okay. I had a guy tell me. I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after. He goes, just because you think you have make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good, you think that that didn't mean you have a problem. I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that, like, I got feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but, like, right now we're doing pretty solid. So, like, I go, I. I said it on a podcast a long time ago, and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like. I said, sometimes I think the problem's the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's gonna show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like, you gotta take care of the problem if you don't have the problem.

Like, if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that. Like, go like, hey, man, my wife was a big drinker in high college and quit drinking, thinking she was an alcoholic, and then realized, oh, no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that. That when I drink. Bring those to the top. She did it. My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then. Doesn't even give a fuck. And I was like, oh, wow. I want to be like that. I want to be like that. Where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink. Sure. Like last night, had a couple drinks and then I was like, oh, I want to. I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm gonna go to sleep. Watch the documentary on. Hey, do you think in Japanese, Netflix. How do you think they. They title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like, World War II? We were also in it because, like, I was watching.

They get left out of all of it.

It's like World War II. Road to Victory is the one we get. What do you think? The Jap. Because they have Japanese Netflix, right?

Huh? Almost good.

Almost good. So close.

Yeah.

World War II. I watched. I watched. I watched Inglourious Basterds with a German guy.

Oh, yeah.

That'S uncomfortable.

Oh, with a German.

Yeah. It's like watching Django and Chained with a bunch of black guys. Yeah.

Yeah. That's not really a post game movie.

He's like, oh, those are really bad guys, man.

Yeah, Damn, them guys was bad, homie.

None of them look like my grandfather.

I know, huh? Damn, bro. Got real. What else do we want to talk about? Okay. Is there anything else you got?

Your special coming out Special comes out March 18th.

March 18th.

Yes. And I think it's. I think it's my best one lucky. Because I'm luckiest man alive, you know?

Yeah. It might be right about you, buddy.

I am. Think about if I pitched me to.

You, I wouldn't Believe it.

Right? 25 years old, in college. Been in college seven years. Roughly.

Yeah.

Rolling Stone. No. No degree. No chances of graduating. No hopes of graduating. No. No real direction in life. Rolling Stone magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party in all in the country.

And a Buccaneers fan at that time.

And a Bucks fan. Back when the Bucks and the Saints.

Sucked at a test of verde Jersey dude. Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers come in town and beat your ass.

From Florida. From Florida. Before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my brothers. All my people in my life. All around Florida, man. Rolling Stone. Discovery magazines discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone Options. The rights of my life. Life. I move to New York within six months. I get a development deal from Will Smith. That's weird now, but I moved to la. I get my first TV show On the X show. I then get another development deal at cbs. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in tv, I get fired, I get on travel. I mean, all the things that have happened me are so God damn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am. I have the greatest group of friends. Meaning like. Like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world, but yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like, that's my friends, right?

Tommy, you, Joe, Ari. Some of them drug me. But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens. But like, you look at your group of friends and your. And there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money. Yeah, yeah. And they're. But they're still well rounded and they're happy and we love each other. And I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been. And I get to do what I love. And for work today to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about. I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker. But I also think, I really believe this. You have to identify your luck. I think I might mention this in the special. You just have to start looking at things as half full and don't, like, even the bad things go. That needed to happen to me, that had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it, you know, I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through. And then I go, thank God.

Like, I think I was thinking of it today. I was like, I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol because that's so not him. And that's never been who I know you knew you to be. I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you.

Yeah.

I never saw what. Yeah. And I go, but, you know, I'm so glad he did because he's so grounded now. Like, he seems, like, in such a better place. And he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie. Like those wild stories where you're doing coke with Darryl Strawberry and the Bronx. I mean, you have all These crazy adventures now. But you're so, like, like, I go, you just gotta look at it and go, that sucked then. But that's, that's then. This is now. And we're. Now we're lucky. Yeah.

Yeah. No, you got to be here to tell them, dude.

I mean, I, I, I lucky. I went to.

Yeah, for sure lucky.

I'm lucky as. And I think if I can put luck out there, like I say, I bought like a hundred dollars worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies. More than you think. This is wild. And I just started throwing them around la. Just flip them on the ground. Because every time you see a penny, you're like, oh, good luck.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, why not just gift that to people? Like, just look. And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it and I'm like, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car. So everyone gets good luck when they get in their car.

Copper Johnny Appleseed.

I'm the copper Johnny Appleseed.

That tim spreading luck. March 18th on Netflix. The special is dropping. You got the 5K in Tampa. You have your double down show. That's in Las Vegas.

Yes. Oh, that weekend. I'm in Vegas March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah.

I'm proud of you, man.

I'm proud of you, man.

Thanks.

Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. It's so. Man. You know, my girls and Leanne root for. Root for a couple comics. And, and you're in that short list. And so when good happens to you. Same with Nikki. When Nikki. Oh, I know Nikki did the Golden Globes. They were going to tell text thread when you crushed it. Like, but you're in that short list. You, Shane, Nikki, Tony Hanscliffe. People in my family knows.

Yeah.

And it's. Man, it's cool when you get a text from your kids, you're like, dope. Dad, did you see the. What was the Theo? What? I forget what it was. They're like, have you seen the Best of Theo? And I was like, no. And then Georgia sent it to me. She's like, dad, she's on a plane. She's like, dad, this. He is hysterical. I was like, dude, yeah. I remember watching Georgia watch Shane Gillis for the first time and was like, are we allowed to laugh at this?

Yeah.

And I love that. I love that. I'm the luckiest out there.

Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man. I feel that. And thanks for always being supportive and thanks for some of the nice things that you said today, dude. And yeah, yeah, I feel lucky. I was driving over here today, I was like, man, my job. Today I get to talk to a friend of mine. That's. That's a blessing.

It's a blessing.

Bert Kreischer, man, stay healthy and enjoy your, your year off of comedy, huh?

Okay, I think I'll go. I'm thinking I'm gonna go back on tour maybe October. We'll see. We'll see.

He'll be back on tour in a month probably, but that's okay. He keeps working hard. Love you, bro.

And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of my life out I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.