Transcript of #2512 - Joey Diaz New

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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

All day. All right, brother.

Hey, what's happening? What's going on?

Same shit. Great to be here.

Great to see you.

How you feeling? Like a tip-top fucking Magoo.

Your knee, I can't believe you could walk so quickly after getting the knee fixed again.

It was like 3 days, man.

That's nuts.

But yesterday I fucked it up at Newark Airport. Because I wanted to walk, you know. But it was like, like I walk every day at the gym, and then I walk my neighborhood for breakfast and after dinner. But that's a loop, you know. This was 10 loops yesterday. So thank God I had a baggie with edibles with me on the plane. I ate the edibles and I put— I asked the fucking flight attendant if she'd give me some ice, and that's how I got it down. Then I— you rub it with that Bortom shit, that liquid cocaine juice. That's what Yeah, there's a cream that became illegal. You buy it over the counter.

What is that?

It's Vora something. Don't quote me, man, but it's a good cream. It numbs your eye. You have to rub it though, twice a day. And oh yeah, yeah, but it fucking feels fantastic.

I've never heard of it.

Yeah, Voltron, Voltrax. What? Don't listen to me though, just Google. What's that? It—

that it—

Voltaren.

See, arthritis pain, and you just rub it on your knee?

Yeah, a couple times a day. Anything that hurts.

What is it?

It's like a fucking gel with cocaine that takes care of the fucking situation for you.

Prescription-strength, over-the-counter, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory that penetrates the skin to relieve joint pain, inflammation, and stiffness. Interesting. I never heard of it before. Widely used for osteoarthritis and muscle aches. Should not be used for acute injuries like simple strains or bruises.

I wonder why.

Why can't you use it for strains or bruises? Does it say why? That seems weird, because like, that's what people use, um, like ibuprofen and shit for. I wonder why you can't use it.

Like, I couldn't use any of that shit. I could only use Tylenol, whatever the fuck that is. I couldn't take ibuprofen after the surgery.

No. Have you ever used DMSO?

I don't know what that is, Joe.

It's this shit right here.

You rub it on?

Yeah, they, uh, that's another horse tranquilizer, another horse medication. Yeah, they use it in veterinary applications, but it's a, it's really good for pain, for pain and injury. Take that, keep it. No, I have a bunch of them. Thank you. I buy, I buy shit in bulk.

We were talking about Lala Zeta. Yeah, that was the early steroids, which were the '70s. Yeah, you don't know what the fuck we were getting in the '70s. Everything came from Germany, I think. I think they were getting the Robalin, all that shit.

I think they were getting human growth hormone from cadavers. See if that's true. Jamie, put that into our AI sponsor Perplexity. Did they used to get human growth hormone from cadavers? I think they did. I think that's how they used to get it.

What do you get human growth hormone from now?

That's a good question. Um, I don't know. I don't know how they do it. It's synthetic. I know it's synthetic. So it must be they isolate the molecule, they figure out how to reproduce it, and then they make it somehow. I have no idea. But the way they used to do it back then. Cadaver-derived human growth hormone was real, used mid-1900s to 1985, and turned out to be dangerous because it sometimes transmitted prion diseases like Creutzfeldt-Jakob, Yakub, and is no longer used and has been fully replaced by synthetic recombinant HGH. So, uh, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, that's mad cow disease. It's the same kind of disease. And what it comes from is— it's the same thing that cannibals get when people eat human brain tissue. They, they get— and neurons and that kind of shit— you get this same disease. Alzheider was one of the first US sports figures to admit using anabolic steroids in the last year of his life as he battled against the brain tumor which eventually caused his death. Alzheider asserted that his steroid use abuse— steroid abuse directly led to his fatal illness.. He recounted his steroid abuse in an article in Sports Illustrated.

I started taking anabolic steroids in '69 and never stopped. Now I'm sick and I'm scared. I was addicting mentally. It was addicting mentally and mentally addicting. 90% of athletes I know are on the stuff. We're not born to be 300 pounds or jump 30 feet. I became very violent on the field, off it too. I did things only crazy people do. Once in 1979 in Denver, a guy sideswiped my car. I chased him up and down the hills through the neighborhoods. I did that a lot. I chased a guy, pulled him out of his car, beat the hell out of him. But look at me now. I wobble when I walk, and sometimes I have to hold on to somebody. You have to give me time to answer questions because I have trouble remembering things. He died at 43. 43. 43.

Wow. He didn't look good at the end. Like, he wore the bandana.

Al Zeta was Jewish. That says he was inducted into the Jewish Hall of Fame. What did it say? Go back to that, what I was just reading. International Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. I didn't even know that existed. Okay, so I don't know if that was that stuff that Groth Tormund did that, but—

well, listen, he's saying he can't walk at the end, he can't remember. That's the knocks to the head. Yeah. And mixed with whatever was going on.

Yeah, I mean, there's everything else, it becomes something else, you know. I lied amidst a massive start. That's one of those lies that like everybody, you know, it's like when bodybuilders say they're natural. Like, shut the fuck up, bitch. Nobody's that big. Nobody's that big without help. There's a bunch of goofy guys out there that still try to claim natural. Like, come on, son.

How many fucking steaks do you eat a day? Like the Barbarian Brothers, 36 eggs.

There's some guys that have freak genetics. They have very unusual genetics and they get real big naturally, but that's rare. That's super, super rare.

As a matter of fact, I got picked up by an Uber yesterday. Guess who was the driver? Who? Yoel Romero's nephew.

No way.

And he's a judo champion.

No way.

We talked in Spanish for about 15, 20 minutes.

Was this in Jersey or here?

Right here. He lives here. 'Cause all these Uber drivers are Cuban.

Really?

All of them in Austin.

They're all getting replaced by robots.

Fuck that. The Cubans, bro, I saw a Cuban yell at a robot. Last time I was here, he got out of the car yelling at the car and he realized, coño, un robot. He got back in the car. My bad.

That's hilarious.

'Cause the guy cut him off.

They cut you off all the time, these fucking Waymos.

No, I stay away from those motherfuckers.

They get right in front of you. They're ridiculous.

I don't trust those cars at all, and I don't see how people sit. I don't know. It's not for me, brother.

Did you hear about that lady? She got into one and a homeless guy was in the back?

No.

Yeah, some guy used the Waymo. He got his luggage out, left the hatch open, probably figured the thing closed itself. It didn't. Homeless guy hopped in, shut the door. Lady gets the Waymo. There's a homeless guy in the back. He starts yelling at her for paying robots. Why you payin' robots?

I gotta tell you about my homeless situation this week, Joe.

Oh no.

So my daughter played at Egg Harbor this weekend. It's like 25 minutes outside of Atlantic City, which is an hour and a half from my house. So we went down for Saturday's tournament, they won. Now we got 2 more games on Sunday, so we got a hotel. I didn't want to get a hotel at Ocean's. I'm gonna be at Ocean's in August, but I didn't want to go there because all the other parents were in fucking Harris. So I said, fuck it, I don't want to be that guy. I'll stay at Harris with you. So the game ended and my wife had to drive the kids somewhere. And I go, you know what, because every time, every weekend when I go on those little trips, I go to a weed store. Like last week I went into one in Trenton, dog. This was a block from the state capitol. You could see the dome. The black guy called me back and he goes, no, no, I got a secret place in the back. He had mushrooms, mushroom chocolate.

Don't say this, you're gonna— you guys gonna get in trouble.

There's 18 stores in fucking And, you know, you gotta figure it out. I'm not ratting nobody out. They know what's going on, the cops. They got a pack— I mean, they had packaged mushrooms, all different flavors, blue, white, the whole thing. This week I go to Atlantic City. I go to this one, Evereld, whatever. It's supposed to be the big one.

The big one.

The big weed store in Atlantic City. And it's right by the casino. So as I pull up, I park my car in front. As I walk out, there's 4 yoked brothers. Yoked, with gold chains on, in one of those fucking suburban millionaire cars. What do you call the big truck? Escalades? No, the other one, the one that looks like they're attacking your town. Not the—

oh, AMG G-Wagons?

I don't fucking know. Anyway, they're in there, they're in there bumping shit, and they see me and they go, yo, we know you. And I go, yeah, what up, brother? Hold on, I'll catch you on the way out. I thought by the time I got out they would leave, right? So I went in, I come out, they're all outside their cars, all 4 brothers, yoked, big gold chains, like, yo, you're the motherfucker that goes on Rogan. Nah, that's the motherfucker from The Longest Yard. We looked you up. So they're talking to me, talking to We're rocking and rolling. Rogan, the UFC. Yo, what do you think about that? And I'm loving it. But in the middle of all this, this black little homeless crackhead walks his way over and I could hear him ask the other guy, who's this white motherfucker? And the black guy goes, that's the dude from The Longest Yard. You know, the football movie. The black guy comes over and I see him walk right over. He goes, hey, Mr. Football Man, why don't you break out a dollar for me? He just bummed me out a dollar. I had to give him 10.

I was so fucking embarrassed in front of him. Why don't you break out a dollar for me? You break out a dollar for me, Mr. Football Star? I gave him a 10. This motherfucker ran. He walked up with a limp, but he ran away like he was going right for crack. I'm like, these motherfuckers, they got a game for everything. Yeah, I love it. I love all that shit, Joe.

It's fun to be around wacky people every now and then. Oh, just people living on the edge.

But that Atlantic City, outside those casinos, bro, that shit's real.

Oh, we saw a drug transaction right on the street when we were down there last.

I'm surprised you didn't see a hooker get mugged or something like that. They are not fucking around. I took a ride Saturday night about 10, just take a little ride. Sketchy, bro. You make a right in some of those corners, you ain't coming back. And I thought by now they'd at least build up the outside of AC.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's barely making money. You know, AC doesn't do well, not like Vegas does. You know what I mean? Like, AC's got some nice spots. You can go there and have a good time, but it's not like it's gonna grow.

You go to Borgata, the Italians and shit. The outside's too sketch. Borgata. All the Italians go down with their white shoes on the weekend. Hey, it's got old— what up, you know? But no, I don't like the Borgata that much. I like the— I like a couple hotels down there.

There's some nice places.

Yeah, we stayed in the Borgata when it first opened, you and I. Yeah, we had a gig.

That's right, that's right. The thing is, it's not gonna grow like Vegas is, you know? Vegas is crazy. See, when Vegas had a head start, the thing— like, if they tried to make Vegas now, ooh, tough sell. Tough sell. Too many places to go. You can gamble everywhere. You can gamble on your phone now. But when Vegas was first, there was no casinos in the country, dawg. It was just Vegas. And I wonder if they made some sort of a deal. Well, let them blow off atomic bombs. They blow off these atomic bombs, and then, you know, we'll put the casinos in.

What's the difference?

We blow ourselves up. I thought that, but then we looked it up and it turned out they made Vegas before the atomic bomb. So I'm like, well, what? I guess it was just gangsters. They just bribed people or convinced people. There was nothing going on there.

It was a pit stop. They opened up Vegas for a pit stop for American soldiers to stop on the way or something like that.

What was third? Was it in the '30s, right? Was it the '30s, Jamie?

Then the guy that owned the Comedy Store, uh, when Vegas was created, yeah, and the guy that owned the Comedy Store, he was in charge of Vegas and he robbed them.

Same guy as the Comedy Store?

Same guy as the Comedy Store.

So he was in charge. He's fucking genius.

That fucking— that motherfucker was a genius. Well, he got shot because he stole at the end the expenses.

And oh, is that what it was?

The casinos, you know, he gave— in those days they borrowed money from the unions in Chicago, and then you borrowed that and you worked off those, uh, Teamster loans, those Jimmy Hoffa loans. So you had to build on those. Well, the expenses never stopped, right? And they were like, what the fuck is going on? And he was hanging out with Jane Seymour or something, going back and forth like a millionaire, like a movie star. And they didn't like it, they shot him.

That's why they shot him.

I think so. They shot him in his house, in his eyeball. Yeah, in his eyeball, something like that. I remember that.

So yeah, there's a picture of his dead body allegedly in LA, right?

Yeah, they shot him in LA.

Yeah, so that was all because of the casinos, huh?

But then they made it, you know, it's like when we first went to Denver, the money was too good. I don't give a fuck if it's Jesus and his three disciples, they're gonna take that envelope. It's too good.

Well, you know what it was going on in the beginning? They weren't allowed to use credit cards, so everything had to be cash. Yeah, and it was crazy. So these guys were leaving the fucking— and they bring like 6 Special Forces guys with them. They'd have fucking Green Berets and Navy SEALs and shit, like armed to the tits, because they're transferring millions of dollars in cash. So the whole thing was nuts, man.

No joke.

It was nuts. I read this story about the dilemma, like these people are making all this money and And the crazy thing is the state was making all that money too, because the taxes on the legal weed— look this up, please.

It's amazing.

I think it was like 39%.

It's fucking crazy.

And everybody was like, sure. Like, you would never accept 39% on alcohol. No. Never accept 39% on ground beef.

No.

But 39% on weed, you're like, I'll take it.

During the pandemic in LA, you had to buy an extra tax to go open. That's why they called them What do they call those businesses that had to be open?

Dispensaries?

No, no, no, the businesses that they had a purpose to be open during the pandemic. Oh, right, essential.

Essentials.

Yeah, they made that essential, but they charge an extra tax, 10% tax.

We're making so much money off weed in California.

But now look at all the weed stores, they're starting to close. Are they? And in Jersey, they created a dilemma because the state convinced them that they had to build and all this shit. So all these places started, you know, you opening up a shop minus $3 mil. Listen, it's a lot of $20 bags to get the $3 mil.

A lot. And not only that, there's a lot of competition. Oh, how many weed stores are in LA? It's bananas.

Well, in Englestown, New Jersey, there's 4 of them, and here's what gets better— they're all on the same block. Wow.

Do you— did you ever go to that place in Englewood with me back when it was only medical? The Englewood—

where you used to get the lollipops? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I went there one time with you.

You know, the guy that ran that got shot. That dude that we used to deal with, he got shot in that store.

They killed him?

No, I think he lived. I'm not sure though. Look that up. He might have died.

Yeah, that's the first place you had the lollipop from on Fear Factor. Yes, it was from that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Inglewood Wellness Center. That was in the '90s. That was in the days where it was legal if you had a medical reason, and any medical reason would do. Oh, my feet hurt.

Get in there, sign them up.

But anybody who does martial arts has the pain excuse, because everybody's in pain and it does help you with pain. This is like, if you could take aspirin, THC, like gummies with CBD are phenomenal for aches and pains. You remember Dave Foley? Yeah, Dave Foley's hand. Of course you do. Dave Foley's hand was all fucked up from arthritis. He started taking CBD and now his hand is full function. CBD is amazing.

They just blew it up out of content a couple years ago.

Well, who knows who's making it and what the quality is, right?

But no, it is.

That's the things when things are gray, you get a bunch of douchebags making stuff. You know, I used to have a bit about that, about the gummy bears. Like, they're not making these gummy bears in the same labs where they're making Tylenol. They're very inconsistent. You get one of them, you swear it's 1,000 milligrams, and the other one feels like it's like 100. They barely make sense. Back in the day, back in, you know, when it was the Wild West.

I got some 500 milligrams in my pocket. They feel like 500 milligrams whether you take them.

Well, now I don't think you could do that anymore. I'm talking about like way back in the day. It was different because way back in the day there was like, it was the Wild West.

First of all, way back in the day they didn't put warnings on this shit. No, no warnings. You didn't know how many milligrams were in this stuff. And I remember eating a brownie one time and flying up to Pittsburgh on a red-eye and my leg wouldn't stop tapping. Like it wouldn't stop fucking tapping.

I remember one time we were on a plane and you had a panic attack and then you waited like an hour later and then popped two more.

Yeah. I was like, how are you doing that?

You're like, Joe Rogan, I almost got off the plane. I couldn't take it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. My fucking heart was closing. It was like my chest was closing in on me. The walls were closing in. I thought the plane was gonna crash. I was freaking out. I almost had turned the fucking plane around.

But I'm back, baby.

You just pop two more.

You have no idea what I put myself through over the years.

Why do you do that?

Because I just want to take a chance. Columbus did. I'm sitting at home, it's 2 in the afternoon, you're bored as shit. You're like, let's see what happens. And the only thing that would hold me back is if I had a spot that night.

Oh, yeah.

Then I would tame it and be like a couple hundred milligrams.

You don't want to go up on stage with too much edible.

Yes, you do. Sometimes you do. Yes, you do. Sometimes you need to.

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Yeah, but listen, Pat, last week—

You filming a special? Stay on the trail.

Last week I went to do a spot. I figured, let me wait 5 weeks. I haven't been on stage since April 18th. Let me go do a spot. I'm nervous. I get down there, there's 50 people. Perfect. Break my cherry, do it. I got into such a groove, I ended up doing an hour. That was because the edible I took before I went on stage. No material. I told you that. I got nothing, right? That's it. I'm starting over from scratch. Got nothing. I talked about going to the hospital, and then it just became something else. And at the end, I was up there an hour. Wow. My leg was starting to fucking throb.

Did you film it or record it?

No, I just— I didn't know it was gonna be gold.

I just— right, right.

But that's why THC— somebody said THC is like a banned substance for comics, because it may— if you really let it absorb you— and I'm not telling you to smoke pot, but that I had an audition. Whenever I have an audition, I read it, I put it away, I get stoned, and then I go back and I look at it again. Complete different sheet. Now I can pick out things. Now I could point. Then I leave it again, I get high, and I come back like an hour later. And that's what I think THC makes me just relax. Look, look, I live in anxiety naturally. Naturally. I beat myself up. This morning it's 8:30, I'm drinking coffee outside the Four Seasons. I'm like, Why am I heartbeating? Because I thought I had somewhere to go.

I got nowhere to go. You just gave yourself anxiety for no reason.

Yeah, because I always think I got somewhere to fucking go at 10 in the morning. That's why when my daughter gets on that bus to school at 7:15, I start blasting, because then I know I ain't got nowhere to go. Like, you know, you make a list every day and you go, this is what I'm gonna do today, and then you fucking, uh, you know, wake up and you look at that list after you smoke and you're like That's a long drive up to New York City today. I ain't doing that podcast. You know, that's a fucking long drive up into that motherfucker.

Yeah, the driving in New York is not a joke. That's an endeavor. Yeah, no, you gotta take a day. Like, that's your day. Your day is driving in and driving out. You're not going to the gym, you're not doing all the other stuff. Me? No, I'm saying if you've got to drive into New Jersey, that's your day. It's not like Oh, I'll go there. That's at noon. I'll hit the gym at 2:30. Uh-uh. No, you won't. You'll be in traffic for 3 hours.

3 hours. I always go to do that shit early and get it over with. Like, on days that I have to go to the city up north, I'll just take that as a day off. Like, I'll work that day before so I could go up there comfortably and not sweat it. Yeah, but it's got some days I get up and I'm like, I'm not going up there. I gotta work out today.

Listen, this is one of the big things that Texas has. Austin has in particular over the East Coast is the fucking traffic. The traffic here is a joke. They talk about traffic. It's adorable. You might be 10 extra minutes. Whoop-de-doo.

It's adorable.

But last time, occasionally a car accident happens and there's a bunch of people stopped. That shit happens everywhere in the world. But for the most part, the East Coast is so thick with people. You don't realize it until you have to make that trip to New Jersey and And back and forth, you know, when we do the UFCs, if we go into New Jersey to the UFC, then with the weigh-ins, then we have to go back to New York to play pool.

At 6 o'clock, that's pool.

Oh my God, it's crazy. Go to New York to eat and to play pool, and it's fucking— it's a madhouse.

Think about what it was like the last 2 weeks. Jim Florentine said he went into the city Saturday, was 3 hours because of the Knicks bullshit. They weren't even playing. They weren't even playing.

People were so upset that Trump was gonna go to the NBA because if he's there, then they have all these crazy security protocols. It makes the traffic even worse.

There was no parties. There was no nothing.

He should stick to the UFC. They're gonna boo him everywhere else.

Oh, they booed him to death. I didn't watch the whole game. I was out and about.

Some people cheered. I heard it was like cheers and boos. But the problem is if there's cheers and any boos, if there's like 50/50, like that's That's— don't go, don't go to that spot. Go to the UFC. People say he got booed at the UFC. I've seen him at the UFC 6 times or something like that. I don't know how many times. Never get booed.

They love him.

He's never gotten booed. They fucking cheer. The people that say they're booing him, you're distorting reality. It's not true. They cheer him like he walks in there to the American Badass song, especially if Kid Rock is with him and Dana White's behind him. And then sometimes Tucker Carlson was there too, back when they were close. It was like the conservative Avengers. It was like, this is ridiculous.

He was the kiss of death last night. I bet against the Knicks last night. Me and Jamie, we were like, fuck that, getting 2.5. Why they only giving 2.5? They're up 2 games. What are you, a retard? 2.5 they were giving last night. Everybody and their mother, even fucking your daughter bet the Knicks last night, giving 2.5.

Do you, um, bet sports all the time? How often do you bet?

This time of the year, I bet basketball because it's real.

Do you use an app? DraftKings.

DraftKings? You do it on DraftKings? Everything is on DraftKings.

You don't have a bookie? No. Yeah.

No, I enjoy it because DraftKings has so many fun— like, there's bookies out there, like, they just keep busting these mafia rings in Jersey and New York. 39 people had the big bust last year with the basketball coaches that they put the cards up and you could see through the fucking cards on the table. It's— it's— gambling has grown to a fucking nightmare. We're gonna pay for this in 5 years. But when I went to college, after orientation, you walked out and there was credit card companies— Discover, MasterCard, Visa— and they give you a credit card for being a student for $250, automatic, right there. And now when you go to those orientation days, DraftKings is there. Mm. You know, the other ones— FanDuel's there. And I'm not putting them down. I love DraftKings. But you're copping these kids. These kids don't have enough problems with fucking student loans, right? Now I'm gonna put a fucking thing— more people are gambling more than ever, than ever, than ever.

In Australia too. My buddy McCann, you know James McCann? Yeah, he was talking about how crazy it is in Australia. Yeah, it's, uh, it's in— what is those— what's the odds on the Ilia Topuria, uh, Justin Gaethje fight at the White House?

To pick him, is it?

No, no, Topuria has to be a huge favorite. I guarantee Topuria is 2-to-1, 4-to-1. Yeah, oh my God, 4-to-1 is crazy. 2-to-1, if you just think about what he's done in his last 3 fights, he's had the most legendary run in MMA championship history in his last 3 fights. He knocked out 3 all-time greats. Knocks out Alexander Volkanovski, knocks out Max Holloway, knocks out Charles Oliveira. 3 in a row. Like, anybody who could do that, you go, I'm not fucking betting anything against that guy. But Justin Gaethje's a tough character, son.

So if I bet $25 on Gaethje, I win $100. $100. 4 to 1 odds.

4 to 1. Yeah. Which is— look, it's -426 for Topuria. They're like, 4-to-1's not enough. Caesars says 600. Caesars says 600. Caesars is smart. But the thing is, man, don't think that Justin Gaethje can't win. Like, anybody can lose in an MMA fight. People get hit. Like, in Ilia Topuria, one of his early fights, one of it— I think his first fight in the UFC at lightweight, he took it on short notice and he fought this dude, Jai Herbert. Who's a really tall, really good striker. And Jai Herbert caught him with a head kick in the first round, a switch kick to the dome that dropped him. It was perfect. But he recovered brilliant. He got ahold of him, took him to the ground, recovered, and then came back and devastating knockout in the second round. Like, he fucking puts people into orbit, man. His power is crazy. He's not a big guy either, man. Justin's a much bigger guy than him, but the way he knocks guys out, it's just dead. He knocks them out dead. But so does Gaethje. People forget it. Gaethje's a fucking warhammer, dude. That guy loves battles.

He loves it. I'm saying, this is not— I don't think—

It's a tough fight, man.

It's a tough fucking fight. I could both— and this is this Sunday, right?

Correct? It's this Sunday. Gaethje's bigger. You going? So, fuck yeah, I'm going. So Gaethje's bigger. Gaethje used to fight at— what was it called? The IFL? Was that whatever the organization was before he came to the UFC? I think it was— it was before the PFL, was like another one. But what was it? What did he— what was the organization? You know, there's these feeder organizations like the PFL. A lot of really good fighters that wind up becoming champions start out there. Was that it? World Series of Fighting. That's right, that's what it was. And I mean, he was fucking people up with leg kicks, but it was the way he was fighting. He would just throw himself into chaos. Like, he didn't fight tactically at all back then. No, like, the— you ever see the Michael Johnson fight with him in the UFC?

A long time.

Yeah, it's his first fight in the UFC. It's one of the craziest fucking fights ever because he just fucking throws himself at Michael Johnson, and Michael Johnson throws himself right back. It was a They got hurt. Both guys got cracked. It was a crazy fight, but eventually Justin got him. But it was the way he fought, you like, good lord. Yeah, he fights like a pit bull, like a pit bull, like no concern for his safety, just dive in. It was a fucking crazy fight. And look how Justin is always just trying to kill you. He's always moved. Look at every shot, he's trying to fucking kill you. He's always moving forward trying to smash you. And the thing is, he relishes this kind of combat so much that in the beginning he lost some fights that he could have won if he tempered it. And then he did. So, and then when he went on this like legendary run, started beating everybody, it's really because he controlled the violence a little bit more. He controlled the chaos, but it was still like very technical violence. It wasn't like he was brawling dumb. He was just forcing himself into chaos so much.

He was throwing himself right into the fire over and over and over again. This is a dangerous fucking guy. He's a dangerous fucking guy for anybody. I mean, he had hit Khabib. He hurt him with some calf kicks. He could do that too. He leg kicks you from inside the clinch. One of the things that he does really well is from like— he could get you with like a collar tie and he's leg kicking you. Well, he gives him the finger and tells him to get up. I mean, Michael Johnson's getting battered. This is a tough fight for him at this point. We're in round 2. Look at that knee to the body. Just everything's trying to kill you. It's not like this tactical take a chance here, take a chance there. Now everything's take a chance. It's like from the very beginning of the fight, and this is how he fight— he eventually took him out, but it was a crazy fight.

He fights like I told you Hagler used to fight. They weren't thinking about brain damage, right? Hagler, all those dudes were not thinking about that. We were talking about that with football before.

You know what I just watched the other day? Mustafa Hamzat versus Mustafa Hamzat.

Whoo, did they battle?

Oh, Hagler took him out, but it was just Hagler in his prime.

He was beautiful. Oh, that was amazing.

Fucking so good. He was so good, and he was so good at switching stances, man. What? No one was doing that back then. Hagler would fight southpaw, he would fight orthodox, he would fuck you up. You didn't know where it was coming from. And he could fight just as good southpaw as he could orthodox. It was amazing. It was an amazing fight to watch. Like, God, that guy was great. So disciplined.

He has some good fights this week. I'm excited for the card. I thought it was Saturday.

Yeah, Jamie posted up that the Cyril Gane-Alex Pereira fight is the closest fight on the card in terms of odds. It's like even odds. And that's a— that's a— Cyril Gane's a tall order. That's a tall order for your first heavyweight fight in the UFC. Caesar says that as a pick 'em. Pick 'em. Yeah, I would say it's a pick 'em. I would say it's a pick 'em. Um, Cyril Gane is really good, and the thing about Cyril Gane is the problems that he's had in fights are when guys take him down. When guys stand with him, he is very tricky. He's very slick. He's very technical, and he's, he's very light on his feet for a big guy. Like, he moves really well, like one of the best movers in the heavyweight division for sure. He's, he's like dancing on his feet. He also does a weird thing off his front leg. He throws a front kick when he's standing sideways, like in a bladed stance like this, and he picks it up and twists it into your stomach.

Bang!

Like that. It's weird. Like, it works. Oh no, it's a kick. I mean, it's called a twisting kick. Twisting kick. It's just you don't ever see people throwing that kick from the front leg like he does. Like, he does a lot of— he does a lot of weird shit that you have to get used to. Like, that Tom Aspinall fight, man, he was— he was scoring very well on the feet. I know it got stopped because of the eye pokes, but before the eye pokes, Ciryl Gane was doing very well on the feet against Aspinall. And Aspinall's a big, fast heavyweight. It's gonna be interesting because I don't, you know, know if Pereira is gonna have an issue with the movement, you know, if he's gonna be able to shut that movement down. And I don't know if Cyril Gane is gonna be able to, like, if he's gonna want to exchange with him. He might feel that power and say, I'm just gonna fight on the outside, because Pereira's got that you make one mistake power.

He looks good at heavyweight. He looks like he gained the weight. He looks yoked.

He's huge. And on top of that, no dieting, so no depleting of his body at all. You're gonna have a guy competing for the first time where he's never had to cut weight. That's huge. That's a giant advantage. Not having to cut weight is like they let you take steroids. You can't— you don't have to cut weight. No cutting weight at all. If they change weight cutting, if they cut all weight cutting out of MMA, you'd have like 20% better performances. People would be fighting so much better because they would, they would feel so much healthier. They would be so much more durable. There wouldn't be as many like one-shot knockouts where you're like, whoa, that got him. Because a lot of these guys, like, their brain is still dehydrated when they're in there fighting. It's only 24 hours after they rehydrate. That's not enough time to get to the brain.

I would go to weigh-ins with you and these guys would come in like they're looking like they had cancer.

They look dead.

Yeah, I would see him and then they would IV in the back. Then I think they cut out IVs after work. Cut out IVs. I remember being there with you and looking at these guys coming in. They were dying. They looked like they were on that fucking GLP for 10 years, like fucking Sharon Osbourne's daughter. I mean, they were looking fucked up, Jack.

Yeah, they looked dead. Some guys looked real— you remember when Anderson Silva fought Travis Lutter? Do you remember that fight?

Yeah, the jiu-jitsu guy from Texas. Exactly.

Yes, he— that was the worst I ever saw anybody at a weigh-in.

He looked really fucking good.

And again, this was not the ceremonial weigh-in like we have now. This was like the actual weigh-in, see if you can make the weight. And Travis couldn't walk. He was shuffling. He couldn't pick his legs up. His lips were cracked. Like, his body was dried out.

That can't be good for you like that. And then to pick it back up and then go throw rounds, throw punches at 8 o'clock the next night.

Meanwhile, I mean, he was so depleted, but he got ahold of Anderson the first round and took him down, and that's what he wanted to do.

He's practiced jiu-jitsu in Texas.

Yeah, yeah, Kevin Holland's coach.

Oh shit.

Yeah, yeah, Travis is a bad motherfucker.

He was a bad motherfucker.

He was— when guys rolled with him on The Ultimate Fighter, you know, one of, one of the best compliments one of the guys said, he goes, dude, he goes, I've rolled with only a couple guys like that, is like him and Ricardo Liborio. I go, really? I go, that guy feels like Ricardo Liborio? He's that level? He goes, he's like, dude, he was running through people. Just running through people on the ground. Travis was a beast. He was one of the first, like, truly elite Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belts in, like, the modern era, like the Anderson Silva era. Whereas when he got guys to the ground, you were in trouble. You're in real trouble. There's a few guys— Charles Oliveira is the big one. Charles Oliveira puts people in positions, they're like, oh no, what have I done? Like, you think you're gonna be comfortable, like, in his guard? Like, bitch, you're never gonna be comfortable on the ground with Oliveira. Oliveira is just so dangerous everywhere.

20 years of jiu-jitsu, correct?

Oh yeah, yeah.

They've been doing it since they were a kid.

Yep.

Just like us with stand-up.

Great camp. He's from that Shoot the Box camp. I mean, that camp produced Anderson Silva, Marie Ninja, Shogun, like who else? Pelé, Pelé, one of the original MMA fighters back in the bare-knuckle days. He was the top dude in the original, in the original days. No, Nogueira is not from Shootbox. Nogueira is a Carlson Gracie guy. Those— was he? He's Carlson Gracie, right?

No, Carlson's in Chicago.

No, Nogueira wasn't Carlson Gracie. Nogueira was— I don't want to get that wrong. Who was Nogueira's trainer? Minotauro Nogueira, his original jiu-jitsu coach.

Fucking brother, probably.

No, both of them were elite. They were twins.

They were twins.

Yeah, they were twins. They were both elite. They're both like world-class fighters in Pride. Does it say his jiu-jitsu coach? Minotauro was the first— like, he was the first guy that was like finishing elite guys off of his back in Pride. Like, he was tapping— like, when he was the champion in Pride, like You remember when he beat Bob Sapp?

No.

Bob Sapp was 350 pounds with abs, and the fight was crazy. He picks Minotauro up and spikes him on his head in the beginning of the fight. Fucked his neck up for years. Like, his neck was fucked up after that fight and still survived and eventually caught Bob Sapp in an armbar. But it was bananas. Omri Betech. Okay, yeah, there you go. Omar Pettet is another guy who fought early in the UFC. So that's his coach for one. Where did he get his black belt? Just see where he got his black belt from. Just ask the question: who gave Minotauro his black belt? Oh, okay. Ricardo de la Riva, that's his primary instructor. There you go. Okay. Yeah, he was—

so we could—

he was—

he invented the de la Riva hook?

Probably. There's a bunch of moves that are attributed to guys that it's not quite sure whether or not they invented, but they were really good at it.

You know, how much fun is that, getting somebody in the De La Haven, taking them down?

It's fun.

I can't finish the leg lock. I never could. I'm fucking terrible. I can't get my arms around it. I'm fucking— my shoulders are fucked up.

Leg locks are scary.

Yeah, I don't like holding that shit.

You fuck them up, you know, you twist the wrong way, turn the wrong way, you hear things pop. Eee, scary.

You still training? No, private? No more?

No, I haven't. Over a year. I was for a while. I've got a knee problem. It's much better now. I've been really working on it over the last 6 months, but it kept swelling after a while. The thing is, it would get better and I'd feel pretty good, and then I'd hurt it again. And usually I hurt it like a year ago hunting. I twisted it hunting. And then I've also hurt it like hitting the bag too. Like sometimes I just start wailing on the bag.

You go off and you forget. Yeah, you forget.

It's just the next day it's sore as fuck. It's like I don't have meniscus on one part of my knee. So I have to make sure that it doesn't get arthritic, you know what I mean? Because like, I don't have to tell you, like, once your knee gets bad, it's a real problem.

It's a problem.

And so you got to like walk that edge between when you don't have cartilage or you don't have meniscus and your cartilage is getting bone on bone like that. Like, you got to be careful. You got to be careful. They're getting real close to fixing shit. Real close. They're injecting like different kinds of gels in people's knees now that replace the meniscus. And they're also doing some new stem cell therapy where they go into the bone itself and it regenerates cartilage.

Better. But that gel, they always work you with that gel.

I think it's a new one, Joey. It's, it's like a— it's— they call it a biological matrix.

You need to fucking get like a— you need to get like insurance approval and all that. Yeah, I did it. That's just all those things. It's like when you see an ad for somebody, mm-hmm, do you have problems sleeping? Buy this mouthpiece for $29.99.

I don't think you got what they have now because this is just released in Germany. This is brand new.

But this gel, like I'm just saying to you, the gel, the cortisol— I have friends with knee problems and they tell me what they go through and they go to different doctors and it's the same fucking— we got cortisol for you, we got the gel, we're not gonna do the PRP and we don't do stem cells. So you, Joe, regular, you don't do no reading. Here's what happened to me with the fucking why I did this surgery in the first place. You had moved here and I didn't know about Ways to Well. If not, I wouldn't have never cut this knee the first time. Never, never. I didn't read up on it because when my wife was pregnant, I read up on all that shit and I was— I didn't want to have the baby no more because it said once you're over 43, you'll die. If you're giving birth, like, if you're not ready when you get older as a woman, you know. Now women are having kids at 50s and fucking 55s. But a woman has to be— she has like a short window, right? They have a lot of things that could go wrong with the pregnancy.

When I read that, I got nervous for my wife. I'm like, she's gonna die on a fucking table and I'm stuck raising a girl. I don't know how to fucking raise a girl, you know. What am I gonna do here? So I didn't really— I researched it a little bit. After I got the knee— after I went and I saw the fucking— the chisel and the fucking mallet on the table, I go, we gotta look into this when I get out of here. Like, this is fucking insane. I would have never done the redo knee. I would have waited, shot it with stem cell, BPC'd it. At that time, I was still a little fearful of needles, so I was like, uh, BPC them. Everything is you got to shoot it.

You feel fearful of needles but not of a knee replacement? That's hilarious.

No problem. Now I'm fine. Now it took It took 4 stays in the hospital last year to fucking like go. One day they had to come in and take blood out of me every 20 minutes for 3 hours. Why? It's that type of test. They shoot you with something to see how you react to it. Wow. And dog, I didn't faint one time. I don't faint no more unless like last time at Waze 2L. I went in there hungover on those tequilas from the Mothership, drinking that Ron White juice and shit. I went in there with no breakfast. Like, we need to take blood out within minutes. I'm pale, I'm sweating profusely. They gotta put ice on my back and on my neck and shit. And when I did the— when they turned the switch off on your leg, what's that? When you do that little before surgery, when I first hurt the knee, they said, we're not gonna give you pain medication, but if you're really hurting that bad, come on down here, we'll give you a nerve block.

Oh, they give you a nerve block?

Rogan. Holy shit.

Who did that? Where'd they do that?

Because the Place where I went for surgery the first time, there's shit. Uh-huh. This place is specialized in all that stuff, so they have their own therapy, they have their own, uh, like the surgeons, and then they have a pain department that they talk to you. They go, listen, you could take this. You want it, we'll give it to you, but let's do this. Let's try it with this. They don't want you— you know, and I understand that people lose their minds on those fucking things. So I did the nerve block first, Joe. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. And when I went to the doctor about a month ago, the girl was like, I was there that day when I fainted. She goes, you didn't faint, but you sure came close. She goes, you lost all the color in your face. It's crazy, Joey. I drink water. And then the epidural block, you ever do one of those?

No. Well, no, I did when I got my knee surgery.

Yeah, they always knee surgery. I thought they put you out for those.

They did most of the time, but my first ACL, I asked if I could watch, and he said, you don't want to watch it? I go, no, I do. I don't want to— I only want to get this done once. I want to see it.

Can I watch? You see it? They shot in your spine.

Well, they shot it in my spine, right? And so it— you don't feel anything in your legs. And I watched him open my knee up and put it together again.

Fuck you, Joe. That's the epidural block.

I wanted to see— I'm like, I don't want to do this once. I didn't know that I was gonna have another ACL surgery.

So you didn't get put out for your surgery?

No, not the first one. The second one I did.

That's insane, Joe. That's fucking insane. I love you like you're Zombo and shit, but I wanted to watch. Nah, I want to watch a lot of—

I want to see what it looks like because it's kind of crazy. They're gonna take your knee, take a slice out of your patella tendon along with a chunk of bone and a chunk of bone for your kneecap, and then they screw it back in place. Like, this is crazy. I want to watch. Held up, still good. The real problem was the meniscus, so they didn't even take the meniscus out then. They just stitched it up. There was a tear in the meniscus, but it wasn't too bad, and he thought it could heal, you know, because I was in my 20s. I was like 23, I think, 22. And then over time, it just got wore out. The, the tear became a bucket handle tear, and then it would lock. So it would pull— the meniscus would pull up and like lock in place. It was fucking insanely painful. And I was like, this keeps happening. It happened a couple of times. It was like— it happened in jiu-jitsu class and Eddie Bravo had to take me to the doctor. So Eddie Bravo had to drive my NSX. We drove straight to the doctor and, you know, they tell me I need to get my meniscus removed.

I'm like, okay. And then he told me I need to stop doing martial arts. I was like, okay, that's cute.

That's the first thing they'll tell you.

Yeah, you got to stop doing martial arts.

They blame everything. No martial arts.

No, this 30 years later, fuck you.

Oh yeah, one of those Zens. Yeah, sure, the medium ones.

What are these? Alps. Those are— that's Tucker Carlson's one. It's, uh, those are good. It's, uh, 6, 6 milligrams. These are 3s. This is the athletic nicotine. That's 3s. I like those. They don't make you jittery. Those, those take a hell of a hit. Tucker likes them strong.

I like them, but they fucking— I always swallow them by mistake. Fucking— next thing you know, I'm shitting pouches and shit. I had a pouch. They have focus ones.

Yeah, that's, uh, that's these Ultras.

Yeah, I do the Ultras.

I don't have them in this room anymore.

I was doing those after I had the surgery. Those are great.

Yeah, there's a bunch of really good things for your focus. People that think it's all bullshit, you know, like that nootropics are bullshit, and you're allowed to think whatever you want, but Trust me, from somebody who uses his brain for a living, there's a difference between taking nootropics and not taking them. It's not gonna make you smarter, but it'll make your brain function at a better level. There's a bunch of shit that works like that. Like, you know, those, those ketone drinks like Ketone IQ? That helps a lot. Really? Yeah, your brain uses ketones. Your brain uses ketones for focus. That's why people that take ketogenic diets and go on carnivore diet, they say it gives them like more mental clarity. You have more, more focus. It's fact. You're like, I feel different when I'm eating like clean. If I'm eating like carnivore, just eggs and steak, my brain works better 100%. It's just not processing the carbs and all the fog that comes with that. Not the carbs are bad for you, but when you take this stuff, this stuff is the shit. This is my friend Derek's Gorilla Mind. This is a nootropic drink.

That's coffee.

Energy drink. No. No, it's got some caffeine in it. It's got a good amount of caffeine, but it's got a bunch of nootropics, so there's a bunch of like brain vitamins in there.

You know anything about it?

Yeah, I'm not selling this. This is my friend's.

You know, I'm not a— you know that I have a great memory with dates, and I can take you to different situations. Stories. I don't know what happened the last 3 years.

How come?

If I talk to you on a Monday, which I usually do— you call me Mondays on the way home at 6. Whatever we talked about by Thursday, I don't remember. Like, you'll say, call me back when you find out. I'll fucking forget now. Like, just a little bit.

This is recent? This is the last few years?

Last few years. I could see, you know, you know, you're 60. A lot of shit changes. You, you know, it's really weird. Joe, I need 8 now. I need 8. Sorry, I need 8.

8 what?

Hours of sleep. 8 solid. I got the whoop I needed.

Makes a difference.

6 and a half don't cut it. Yeah, they're done. I need 8 now. And don't get me started on an hour nap, 1 hour 15 nap at 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon. If I get up in the morning, I get up at 6. So I put her on the bus, I start smoking weed, and 9 I'm at a gym. I'm doing something, boxing, PT, you know. So by fucking 2 o'clock, dog, there's days I walk in There ain't no stopping, there ain't no pissing. I go right to the bed, put the mask on, and go right to sleep. Just like that. I mean, there's no thought, there's no stop it, get— what is that, Monopoly? Stop it, go and get 200. There ain't none of that. I come in, I drop my bag, I pee, and I walk right upstairs, right to the bed. I move the cat over, get the fuck over, and I fucking put that mask on.

Does the cat cuddle with you while you sleep?

Oh please. And he goes under the blank— she goes under the blank with me too, so it's perfect. That's funny. But dog, it's not no more. I don't fly out early no more. Fuck you.

Yeah, you need a solid amount of sleep. You need. As you get older, it's even more important. You know what else is really important? Creatine.

I take 10 milligrams twice a day.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. That's phenomenal for your memory, and that's a really good nootropic as well. I don't like the gummies. I never got—

No. You had some gummies on here, right?

Yeah, those are good. I like them.

My neighbor gave them to me that you had them.

I prefer to just open it up up and pour it in my mouth and then drink water.

Yeah, me too. I like the powder too.

Yeah, I put like the 10 milligrams in my mouth and I just drink water.

You don't put it on your food, do you? No, I put in a smoothie from time to time. I like the raspberries with coconut water.

I feel like the best way to make sure that I'm getting all 10 milligrams is to just pour it in my mouth and then drink water with it, because otherwise it's in the glass, you got to rinse the glass and get more of it in. I you know, you're giving yourself an exact dose, just put it in your mouth, dry scoop it. So I just dry scoop it in my mouth and pour the water in there. That's how I do most of the time. What the gummies are really good for is if you forget and they're just laying around, you just eat a couple of gummies, you know.

I don't know how many milligrams are in those, right?

It says it on there. I think 2 gummies is 5 milligrams. I think that's what it is.

I also got turned on to a creatine company that has a creatine precursor.

Creatine precursor. I don't know what that is.

Your own body creates creatine, right, on its own. This helps.

Oh, interesting.

The body— I think it's called a precursor. Don't fuck with me.

Yeah, I don't know.

Anything I say, just write off with a fucking— you know what I'm saying? I know that because I'm saying it wrong like Voltron. I don't fucking know, guys.

I'm sure there's something. I mean, there's always a bunch of— I mean, there's— if you think about how many supplements are out there, good Lord, there's so many supplements. And not all of them are good, but a lot of them are really good. Here's another one that's really good for working out. Beta alanine. You ever take that? No. Phenomenal. Phenomenal.

Look, I take everything else.

Makes you tingle though.

Makes your skin like, almost like itch. You ever take iodine?

No.

Iodine? Yeah, like you— there's a pill or something. You take iodine to help you.

You're supposed to do that if you get radiation poisoning.

Listen, when the first piss test came out, they said you would take iodine.

So again, did you put Clorox in your dick?

I put Clorox in my dick afterward because the iodine obviously didn't fucking work, okay?

You imagine when they ran your piss through the fucking test machine, they'd be like, what, what did— what is this?

Do you understand? This isn't piss. Do you understand? Like, one of the best times I go— every morning I go out and take my cup of coffee and I sit outside, I thank God, you know, the whole fucking bullshit story. And then it takes me somewhere. Like, after the second cup of coffee and one of these zins and a bong hit, your mind goes somewhere. And I think of chunks of my life And I go, what the fuck was that? Mm. Like, that was Joe. That was insanity. What about every time he used to come to my house to do the checkup? I never let him in. He came like 11 times in 2 years. I never let him in my house. He wouldn't know I was in the house. He would put the sheriffs to come and sit outside my house for 2 hours. Then they would leave. They're like, what are they going to do? He's not home. I never let him in my house. I tortured that guy.

That's hilarious.

He could have sent me to prison. I still would have been in prison. Poison. But it was such a— like, first it was the iodine, and then you fucking, you know, you're supposed to take 20 milligrams. Yeah, I mean 200, whatever, I don't know. And my skin is burning, I'm fucking red in the face, I got itchy. So I stopped with the iodine, I still came back positive. Then I went on the fucking, uh, white vinegar.

White vinegar.

White vinegar with a fucking bottle of Gatorade on a Monday morning, not a little vinegar. Not red wine vinegar, the real vinegar that you clean your asshole with. Douchebags and all that shit. Vinegar cleans you out. That's what women wash their monkey with, vinegar, because it takes all the fucking cat piss out of there and all the shit they got in there. So they said drink vinegar every Monday morning, bro. And it's like a process. Like, you would get high Friday and you would hope to beat it by Sunday. But you knew you weren't going to be there and they're going to call you Monday and it was like your color is yellow, right? Like if they say yellow, you got to come in. So you wait till 1:00 and you're like, all right, you got to call in. And also today, Monday, Tuesday, the 9th of June, the colors are purple and you're like, yellow. Goddamn. Now I got it. Now I got to figure out— I got 5 hours. The place closes at 6, so I got to figure out how to stop stop this cocaine from coming up. So then we started taking Serto.

What's Serto? Serto is what you put in like Jell-O. It's that thing that makes the Jell-O jiggle or some shit.

What the fuck is Serto?

There was no internet these days.

This is just—

this is—

see, what is that? A brand of liquid fruit pectin most commonly used in the kitchen as a thickening agent for homemade jams and is also widely known as an internet folk remedy people use in an attempt to mask drug metabolites in urine.

I told you.

It's a folk remedy.

It's fucking bullshit.

Does it work?

No, that's why I ended up—

Let's find out if it works. The myth: many online forums suggest mixing Sirtuin with a large sports drink like Gatorade and drinking it a few hours before a drug urine test. The theory claims the fiber traps toxins in your digestive tract. Fact: Reality, health professionals and medical studies show no scientific evidence that fruit pectin can reliably clear drugs or toxins from your urine, while fiber works in the gut, has no effect on what your kidneys filter into your urine. This episode is brought to you by Amra. Every week there's some new wellness hack that people swear by, and after a while you start thinking, why do we think we can just outsmart our bodies? That's why Amra colostrum caught my attention. It's something the body already recognizes and has hundreds of these specialized nutrients for gut stuff, immunity, metabolism, etc. I first noticed it working around training, especially workout recovery. Most stuff falls off, but I am still taking this. If you want to try, Armor is offering my listeners 30% off plus 2 free gifts. Go to armra.com/rogan.

But again, you get your advice from a guy who's done 30 fucking years, then you forget he's been doing 30 years because he made mistakes, right? Not because he's a fucking genius about sirtuins.

Exactly.

You know, and then we went from sirtuins And then one day I was swimming. Anything work?

Huh? Does anything work?

No. Cranberry juice.

What about that stuff that they used to sell? Remember they used to sell stuff?

This is '90 fucking— this is '89. They didn't sell nothing.

No, but you remember there was some stuff that you could buy and shake it in or something? Yeah.

No, no, you're saying you could buy piss now? Now it's completely different.

You could buy this?

Yeah, you could buy piss online. Just get that, uh, whatever, that dirty— that dirty fucking, uh, XPT, whatever. You go on and you could search shower, hidden shit.

So you just gotta get a rubber dick and take that piss and go.

I had a guy who made a rubber dick. Norm Ouellette could not start snorting coke, so he made a contraption where he filled up his son's piss in a hot water bottle and did the same thing with the douche. And he took the douche on the bottom, he Scotch taped it to his dick, and he would piss and squeeze his chest.

Oh my God.

Then one day the thing blew up. And he was a bank robber. They sent him to jail for 30 fucking years.

Wanna hear the craziest steroid evasion story that I ever heard from piss? There was a guy who was fighting, and he knew he was gonna get piss test, and he was just juiced to the tits. So the legend is that they inserted clean urine into his bladder through injection. So he injected clean urine into his bladder with a needle. Whether or not that's true, I have no idea, but this is what everybody— this is like early days of the UFC, like when they first started drug testing people.

We just think—

I don't even think it was in the UFC that he did this. I think it was in another organization, but I don't know if it's true.

What's going on the other side of this? Your addiction is that high?

Well, these guys, when they're that juiced up, when they're that juiced up, they're not getting off of it.

No, no, no muscle. I get it, I understand. So you understand the extremes that people do. Yeah, could you ever shoot fucking fake piss? Like, Joey, go piss in that fucking thing. I'm gonna shoot Joey's piss.

A guy willing to do that and trusting that guy with finding your bladder— he could shoot piss into your liver. Like, who knows what this guy even understands?

These are the levels that you do. So here I am, certain it don't work, fucking nothing works. And one day I'm at a pool, I'm like, oh shit, when you piss in the pool, the pool cleaner clean all this and not the pool would be green the next day.

So this is your logic?

So I went, I took the kids— I took one of those cubes first, smashed it up, and then I put it on my outside of a dick because I'm uncircumcised. So I would pull the skin back and that would fall into the fucking piss. And then so he told me once, he goes, something happened last time, you fucked up the machine or something like that, right?

Women would insert condoms filled with someone else's urine inside themselves, he said. Some athletes would inject urine into their bladders using a catheter. Oh God, they did do that. So that's real. Oh, so maybe that's how he did it. Maybe they used a catheter and that's how they put the fake—

but then there's the Whizzinator.

Yeah, that was the rubber dick. That's, uh, wasn't there some stuff that you could buy that would— you would get it like a head shop and it supposedly detoxed you?

'89.

But does that stuff work? Nothing's real. That's everything's real. Yeah, I always assumed that it wasn't real. I was on the screen. You're selling this at a head shop? Stuff from the '90s. These are some of the products.

But the killer was when I used Drano.

Oh, okay, so this is all bullshit. Yeah, they just robbed.

Yeah, they just robbed people.

Fetish urine. Look at that. It says— look at that label. Fetish urine. What the fuck does that mean? It's probably a way to sell it because you have to say what, you know, No, not for human consumption. Oh, so that's your buying piss? Oh, so that's an actual bag of piss, right? Oh, good lord. This one calls it tinkle. It's fetish urine. So if you just like want someone to piss on you but no one's willing, you're like, yeah, you've already told that story about the guy with the gay club, the guy in the bathtub.

Everybody was pissing on him in the tub. Yeah. And then that party Shamer took me to in that hotel next to the Comedy Store, and they were getting pissed on in there, the women. And then I wake up sadly. I'm feeling good about myself and I'm on Twitter. I see Bonnie Blue. She had a— that chick is fucking— she got pissed on, had a baby shower problems in her ass. People were pissing the pussy in her ass. And I'm like, something's got to stop that woman.

She's just the least of her problems.

Oh my God, a fucking baby shower. But I used a Drain-O though. That was the best because that destroyed the machine, but But the truth of the matter is, when he said something happened last time— well, this is what happened. Okay, I put the drain on my dick and I walked up to the counter and I put on the desk and he asked you questions, how's it been? And I'm looking at the thing and it's starting to foam like this thing and it's coming out of the bag. He's watching and I'm looking at this thing going, this motherfucker better not. And what he did was just picked it up and threw it in the bag, like when they pick it up and test it. Sometimes you leave the cop top off. That was an old trick. You leave the top off and then it spilled. Ah, oh no. So that buys you one extra week. But the time with the Drano, it started like, whoa, it was like shaking at the thing, like foam was coming out of the fucking sides. And I locked it up good. That's what happened. There was no oxygen. That motherfucker was like, you know, boom.

So I put in the fucking thing. He called me a few days later. He's like, listen, I wrote up a thing. I'm taking you to court because you broke the machine. This cannot continue.

This cannot continue.

This can't continue. This can't continue. This is like a fucking cat and mouse game. What did you put in your body? What happened? What the fuck is going on, Jose?

So they say, hey, your machine sucks. Your machine broke. And then it has nothing to do with me.

No. And then they put me on like this hold. They were like, we're not even going to piss you no more, dog. We're done. We can't take this mental fucking. So this is when you're in the probation department. Now they were going to throw me back in community corrections because they'll put you in for 90 days and all that. I met this fucking guy. For 3 months we spoke like nothing, like gentlemen. I would talk to him, saw him once a week. And one day I said, what do you do? And he goes, I'm a district attorney in Boulder, Bill Wise. I need a beef, I need a problem. I'm on this probation, they won't leave me alone. What do I do to get off? He goes, just have your attorney draw up a statement and I'll sign it and get you all probation. And that was it. Just a guy I met on the street, Bill Wise. And then he got fired after the JonBenét Ramsey thing. He was there during the whole JonBenét Ramsey thing and everybody got fucking fired, I guess. I don't know. Bill Wise was a great dude, man. He was good to me.

And I told him, he asked him what I did, I told him the truth. And he goes, did you learn from the mistake? Yeah, I'm here working. He goes, okay, pass it over and I'll sign. I'm like, oh my God, how fucking lucky am I? I'm done, I'm done. I was done. Started in '87 and it was all the way till '91. For a year I was fucking them up with the Pete thing. Then they put me back in the halfway house and that was even worse. I was out of control in there. There was freaks in there, there's fucking everything in there. Freaky girls. I was stealing the air conditioner out of the conference room and put it in my room. They couldn't, you know, they couldn't handle me there either. They were like, dog, you just go home. We're not gonna fuck with you no more. And that's what you do. You just wear somebody ragging. They'll let you go eventually. They'll just say, you know what, man, it ain't worth it. You're never gonna stop. You're never gonna stop. And then a year later, I had like an affair with the— one time I had an affair with like the chick that worked in that office.

She's the one that had the one leg. I delivered Chinese food to her. It never stopped. And you think of those chunks in your life and go, what the fuck was going on?

Yeah, you were out of control.

Like, it's 31 years and I still won't get back to Boulder because of the shame I endured. Seriously, like, I won't go. Everybody goes, why don't you go back to Boulder? Because I'm ashamed that that was such a beautiful city and I treated it like it was Newark, right? Like I did what I wanted. I would go to Kmart, hang out outside of fucking in the lawnmower department, and people would come out with new lawnmowers and the receipt would fly off. I'd get that receipt, go to Longmont, and get that lawnmower for $400 and walk it up and go, my mother bought me this, I don't want it no more. And I'd give them the receipt and they'd give me $400 cash plus tax. Who does that? That fucking Toys R Us? I took that thing down by myself with those Jeffrey Bucks. I took them down.

What's a Jeffrey Buck?

It's like when you bring a stolen computer in there and they give you, they won't give you cash, they'll give you Jeffrey Bucks. So you have to spend it on in the fucking store. Oh, you know, I had a million dollars in Jeffrey Bucks at one time. I was buying bicycles and fucking— it's just, it just— I was an animal, and I feel really guilty about it today. I'm thinking of booking the Fox Theater in Boulder and doing like— because Ladizio's opening back up, my Italian joint. So they called and they said, we're opening back up. And I'm like, I'm thinking of doing Boulder, like Fox Theater. Just take my lumps, apologize, donate to something there and just call it a fucking night. Because I still feel guilty, man. I'm old, but now I feel guilty about the damage I put Boulder through. Fucking 8— I mean, I got chased through the mall by security and I'm throwing fucking CDs at them. I remember the Denver Broncos were playing Cleveland in '87, those big playoff games. You remember those, Jamie? Talk about the mall one day and everybody's in the hallway looking at TVs. I'm like, who's minding the stores?

I went into Radio Shack and I popped out the fucking CD player brand new and just put the quarter on and walked out like nothing. Who does that, dog? That's animal. And I'm ashamed to admit this shit, but it was like you said when you first went to Boulder the first time. You're like, this must have been a fucking grocery store for Joey Diaz.

That's exactly what I said when I went there.

It was a shame.

Everybody's so— they're so like peaceful and sweet I brought chaos.

Yeah, chaos. And it was too much. When I was in the prison, I brought chaos in there. I had my cell open, I did what I wanted. It was just too much. And I, to this day, it's New York. You could shit like that because that's what New York is about. I was a fucking piece of shit in New York too, but I don't feel guilty about that. I still walk around the city now.

But so many pieces of shit in New York. Yeah, unique.

It was unique, but in Boulder they didn't have anything like me.

They didn't.

I was shaking down people. Some guy kept telling me, I saw you on A&E. Remember in the '90s and '80s, A&E was a mafia channel. They talked— Bill whatever talked about A&E, the Corleone family. And this guy saw me one day, he's like, hey, you're the guy that's in the witness relocation plan. This is '89, this is way before Sammy and all those guys went in. This guy's telling me, you, you're a witness relocated guy, a little Italian guy. I saw you once on A&E. You're George the Animal something from Boston. I'm like, dog, that's not me. Stop saying that. I already got problems in fucking Boulder and you're telling people that I'm a witness relocated mafia guy. He pissed me off so much, finally I just kicked this fucking door down here like one of those Italian knickknack stores. I went in there and I said, dog, since I'm George the Animal, I am. You're gonna give me $200 a week, bro. He started giving me $200 a week for like 3 weeks. Then he called the sit-down with Antonio Ledisi out And Antonio's like, yeah, you got to keep paying him. And the guy closed up shop like 3 weeks later.

I never saw him again. Little Italian guy would always kick his shoes up. Dog, that's crazy shit. I was snorting coke at an ATM in Boulder. They had a— next to Murphy's, there's an ATM you could walk into with the door. I would go in there with a case of beer at night and just put coke on the metal. People would come and go ahead. Can't take this shit back, but it was done and I can't undo it, you know.

But it bothers you now? Well, does it bother you or does it just make you— listen— confused? Like, how the fuck can I—

nobody remember half this shit I'm saying. Nobody will remember this shit. People are on, they moved on with their lives. If they saw me now, they go, hey, that's the guy that kidnapped the guy. No, you know, my name was in the paper, my picture wasn't. They didn't have a picture of me, but everything else was in the fucking paper. It's a guilt. It's a weird fucking guilt, man, that I could have done so much better there if I would have played. If I would have played my cards right, I could have graduated college as a fucking astronaut because they were going to give me everything just because I was Cuban. They had no Spanish people at that college. They had only like 8 Blacks that played football, so they were doing anything to get Latinos. I would have been a fucking astronaut with a GED.

Yeah, but we would have missed this Joey. Yeah, but it's good that it turned out this way.

Let me ask you something. If you wouldn't have gotten into this fucking thing, what would you think you'd be doing now?

If I hadn't gotten into which one?

This thing that we're doing.

Stand-up comedy.

Podcast? No. Stand-up comedy opened up everything else.

What would I be doing? I don't know, man. I don't know. I probably would have fought again.

Would you be a chef? Would you be— I mean, I could pin you as a chef. You love to cook.

Yeah, I do love to cook.

A chef, a mason?

I would have found something that I enjoyed doing. I don't know, I would have figured it out.

What's your second law?

Real problem would be if I had a kid real young. Well, so if, you know, I know a bunch of my friends got married and had kids when they're like 22, 23. The problem is nothing wrong with that, but then that really limits your ability to just go for it because you have mouths to feed. That's a different animal, you know. I think about the early days of stand-up when I was 21 and how I had zero money. I mean, zero. I had zero money. I barely could eat. I remember I had a big fucking jar of pennies and nickels, dimes and shit, and I remember rolling it all up so I could go get a sandwich. Like, I had no money. And so I could imagine, like, if I was trying to do that, I said, well, I'm just gonna live like this for a couple years, and I think if I work hard enough, I could eventually start making money doing stand-up. And if I keep getting better maybe I could be a professional, you know. That was the idea. It was never like have a career. But if I had a kid and I had a wife, there's no way I would have done it.

There's no way I would have to have gotten a job. And that's where a lot of people get into, you know. Or maybe you think it's gonna be a good investment to get a house, which it is, but now you've got a mortgage. So you got a mortgage, you can't just fucking lose everything. I got my car repossessed. I was broke. Man, I was broke.

I used to have to hide my car in the garage so they won't repossess it.

Shit. Yeah, I mean, it was 100% check to check. I never had any money in the bank.

I don't know if this ever happens to you, but it happens to me a lot now. This is why I started this grateful shit, because there are days I pull up to my house, I don't know who lives there. Yeah, I go, who lives here? This is me? Really?

I know, it doesn't feel real.

And then you ask, you say to yourself, this is the most important thing for people listening, I want you to listen to this if you have a dream or a goal, you go, I got to pay for that with comedy. Which I always thought I was just gonna make $100 a set. And I would have been fine with that. If nobody would ever bothered me in my life. I would have been fine with $100 a set, getting in my beat up car and doing that. Getting your dick sucked, getting STDs. I would have done all that shit, you know? That's what it is. So when you look at your house, whether it costs $40,000 or $80 million, and go, "I paid for this doing $15 sets at The Comedy Store." Yeah. When you got into this, you just wanted to survive. Never mind the fucking house and cars. And you never dreamed of this with stand-up. I know I didn't.

I never dreamed of this with anything. No, I never thought I would be a person who had money.

I dreamed of being a funny person and to be funny enough to make a living in stand-up. Yeah, I never saw this part of it. So when I pull up in my house and I go, that was paid with $20 sets, $25 here, $15 here, $100 here. Yeah, that adds up. I'm not saying that, but that was paid by a dream. Yeah, not a job, not something my family did. I wasn't forced into like raising lemons or whatever the fuck people do that are decent, you know, growing lemons. You know, seriously, we were born into this. This is something we got into and said, I just want to survive. I just want to be able to eat 3 meals and get enough gas to go to the next thing. Forget money in the bank. Forget it. It's overrated. I would never even open up a bank account. I didn't open up a bank account until I was 40 years old. You know, I just ran on whatever the fuck. I would open and put $20 in and write a bounced check and fucking move on and pray that nobody caught you. You know, and people have no idea what that feeling is like.

I get in my car and I go, holy shit, how many cars that I had that I had one of those bungee cords. Oh yeah, bungee cord. So I had a car when I first did comedy, I had to close the door with a bungee cord across my thing. It was like my combination seat belt because if I took a fucking right turn, the door would open, you know, the door would just wing open. Now I'm in a car that's fucking— I paid for with comedy, not drugs. Nice Not anything. No, whether it's nice or not, you paid for this without nobody's interference, with somebody, with something that somebody told you you'd never be good at. You'd never be good at. Somebody at least said it to you one time. Joe, come on, man, comedy, you're never gonna— what do you think, you're gonna be on HBO with fucking Richard Pryor and George Carlin? You laugh, but you're like, they're kind of right. They were fucking wrong. We didn't know it. We just didn't fucking know it.

Well, it's like It's like telling someone, I'm gonna run 200 miles. Like, no, you're not. You can't even run around the block. Like, no, one day I'm gonna run 200 miles. Like, no, you're not. You're not gonna run 200 miles. And most of the time they're right. But if you're one of those motherfuckers, it's just like, it might take me 10 years to develop the endurance to run 200 miles. But I can't— if I start right now, next month I'm gonna be able to run 5 miles, you know. In 6 months I'll be able to run 10 miles. And then I'm gonna keep going.

But then you quit before the miracle happens. Well, I think somewhere along the line—

how many people do we know that quit? How many people do we know that were really talented, that were really funny, and just disappeared?

And now you see them on Facebook.

I don't want to shame anybody, but there's a few guys, and there's this one guy at the early days of the Comedy Store that I really tried to help. I connected him to my manager, and I was like, this guy's legit. I'm like, you're funny, dude. Like, you're, you're good if you just fucking stay in there. Had a bunch of personal problems, had a kid. I think he had some legal issues. Damn. But that guy, I'm like, I'll tell you later who it was.

No, I know it was.

Yeah, yeah. But I was like, that motherfucker was funny.

He was funny, way funnier than I was.

He was great. Like, he was a fun dude to be around. He was a cool dude. I was like, he's gonna make it.

There was people I looked at and I go, they're way funnier than I am. Holy fuck.

We were both like the same age too. We were like 27 when I first met him. And I connected with my manager and he was like, nobody ever did anything like that for me before. Like, nobody tries to help me.

Nobody.

I was like, listen, man, you, you'll do it too now. You'll make it and then you'll do it too. We'll all do it. It's, it helps and it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt you at all to help somebody, but it helps them and it helps you. Helps you feel better. You feel better that you're helping someone. It's like, it's a set— like, I would say that being generous is kind of selfish in a way, because you feel better too. Like, when I'm generous, I feel better.

I do.

Yeah, yeah, we all do. And when we're kind and when we try to help people, you feel better. It's good for you. It's good for everybody. And it's like, that's a message that the world needs to hear. Like, you could be good to people, and if you're good to people and you're nice to people people, it'll help you too. If you find someone who's got something, you got— you're doing a thing, like you're doing a thing, and there's someone who's got a spark, there's a little talent, help though. Help them. Help those people. Give them advice. Give them a push. Let them open for you. Let— you know, watch their set. Give them some feedback. Help them.

Because, you know, we're not in the comedy business, Joe. I've never been in the comedy business. I don't know what anybody's talking We're in the karma business.

It's a little of that.

I'm in the karma business. I am not in the karma— my goal every day is to make somebody's day. One person. A woman at the supermarket, you're looking fucking bad in the motherfucker today. Oh, stop it, Joey. Yeah, that. I just made her fucking day. Her husband sees her every day and never tells her she's banging, and I'm going up to this lady I don't even know, and I'm like, damn, if I was 20 years younger, you know. They're older than me, like they're 68, you know. So that's my thing every day. Just make somebody's day. One person. You can't save the world, but one day, a gesture, a handshake, a couple dollars is not gonna set you back.

That is kind of what you— if you're doing a thing or you're doing something that people enjoy, like, think about, like, your sets. Like, think about how many people have come to see you and you changed their night. Gone to see you— like, how many nights at the store people come in, you wanna see a show? Yeah, let's go see a show. You go on stage and rock that fucking place. They leave, they're holding their sides like, ah, and they go out and get something to eat afterwards. Everybody said that fucking thing about, ah, and they're dying. Like, you change people's evenings, you change their feelings, you change the way they feel, and you feel good because of it. It's like this weird exchange. The reason why we love killing, especially people that are really good at it, what they love is that they're making other people happy. That's really what you love.

I love it.

You make other people happy and you feel happy because you're making it. And when you don't, oh, you feel terrible.

I feel— I do better when I look at the audience and they're laughing and I laugh with them. Once I laugh, you're done. Yes, you're done. Yeah, once I start laughing and giggling, if it's real, party's over. Yeah, yeah, no, it's real.

You're having fun. It's real.

Yeah, it's real. When I look out there and I see somebody that should not be laughing and they're laughing at something blue as shit that I said, and I don't expect them to laugh, that's what makes me laugh. Or the look on their face from the shock of you saying something, that's what always kicks me into this fucking mode, you know? Yeah, it's beautiful. The other thing I want to talk about on this podcast, because I was talking to a friend of mine, Jersey Stander, and this is the other thing people don't see. We're very blessed because we went to LA or whatever the fuck we went, and one day you're talking to somebody And 2 weeks later, they're in a fucking— the biggest movie in Hollywood.

Yeah.

And it's very hard to explain to people to sit, believe in yourself, and just keep showing up, and that this happens. But since people don't have— see that happen in their world, you know, in Jersey, what do you see? A guy hits the lottery, he can win a million dollars. That's their way out of of this life. For us, it was like we had— we saw too many people make it like this. Like one day they had nothing, and the next day they're on CBS fucking doing a show for 8 years. Whether it's Kevin or whether it's fucking the other guy, the great guy from Pittsburgh, you've seen that. So it gives you hope. Now at that situation, you could say, fuck that dude, he's a fucking loser. You could go, good for him, him. He just moved the notch up a little bit so I could get on that conveyor line. That's the beauty of it. Not looking at that person going, fuck him, he sucks, he stole my joke in Pittsburgh. Who gives a fuck about Pittsburgh in '89? Guy's on TV now, you know, whatever he is. Be happy because you're next.

You know him, you fucking do sets with him, right? You're there in the rotation. I'm at the store every night.

Yeah, it can happen for you too.

It happens. So once you see it, you go, oh shit, okay. Okay, now I know what I need to do.

That's if you're real.

That's if you're real. I need to get off coke. I need to cut this shit out. I need to do this, this, and this just to get me closer to that because I see it too much. I see people living in an apartment with 8 people and next thing you know they got a house in Beverly Hills. Most people don't see that. Right. So it's tough to explain to them what they— because everybody thinks you're going to hit the lottery and your life's going to change. Boy, are they mistaken. Everybody thinks $10 million is gonna change their life and make them a better person. It's not. It's not. We think it's gonna. Like, when you were broke all those years, you used to say, "I can't wait to have money." Yeah. But you never said, "I can't wait to have money for what." I never thought I would have money.

Me neither. I never said, "I can't wait to have money." My thought was, "I wanna, like, make a living." That's it.

That's it. That's where I was.

Even when I first started with stand-up, like, it was just to make a living. It was just doing this. I was a fucking loser in like regular society. I was good at kicking people. I was a loser in regular society. I was like, I didn't graduate college. I barely got out of high school. I wasn't paying attention. I didn't care about school. All I cared about was whatever I cared about, whether it was drawing or whether it was martial arts. Those are the things that I cared about. That's it. So I always felt like I just need to find a way to live because I'm never gonna be a successful person. I had like resigned myself to that. I had no aspirations. You? Yeah, I know you were way worse than me. Why? You were in and out of jail.

No, I had no family, felonies, no GED. I was set to fucking die. Yeah, and that little fucking accident I had when I was 25 years old, you know, it's like right now you're going, you look at the news and there's this big thing going on by the ICE facility by my house in Jersey, in Newark. They keep fucking banging, and I'm sitting there going— this is how stupid we are as Americans. I don't know if Americans know this shit. When you go to jail, you lose all your rights. You know why I don't go to jail, Joe? Because that sleep apnea machine doesn't mean nothing in jail. We don't care if you die, right? You know what you have to do to get a sleep apnea machine in jail? You got to go to the manufacturer, have to send it to you directly. Which we'll get into later. But my point is that fucking— what was my point? I don't even know. I got so high before.

Your point was that you never thought you were gonna go anywhere. I never thought I was gonna go anywhere until comedy came around and you realized, oh, this is a thing that I can do.

But all I wanted was $4,000 a month. In my mind, I was such a loser that I said to myself, if I can make $4,000 a month, I'm a millionaire. And today, $4,000 a month doesn't even get you rent, right? Not even nothing.

$4,000 a month was like $8,000 a month.

Yeah, $8,000 a month now.

And you would say, okay, if I made $100 grand a year, I can live. Like, you can live off $100 grand a year and be comfortable. Like, that's the goal. The goal was always just to be comfortable. But the thing with you is I realized this like very early on, you were gonna— it was gonna take a different path. Like, I remember watching, like, you emerge when you really started, like, killing on stage. And I was saying— and then, you know, all these agents— you remember I had that one agent that would get mad?

I would take you on the road.

He would get mad. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with— he's not— I don't think he's funny. I don't think he's talented. I go, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You don't know anything. I go, why does he make me laugh so hard? He's like, well, you're a degenerate. Like, you're a fucking degenerate. Crazy person. You got to realize the audience is offended, and that's your audience. Like, shut the fuck up. I knew that you were a different path. So for you, your emergence came with the emergence of the internet. And when the internet came around and we started doing podcasts, I'm like, this is the way that Joey's gonna break, because they'll get to see the real you.

When I told stories— yeah, listen, it's like 24/7 on HBO. Video. You may hate fucking— I don't know, throw any name up— you may hate that boxer for some reason. He's whatever, he's cocky. But then they show you his house and they show you he's got 4 daughters, and they show you that he wakes up every morning and feeds the daughters. You thought he was a fucking animal in the cage. He's an animal, but in life he's just a regular guy. And you get to see that and go, no, I like him. I don't see a guy that just punches people in the head. I see a guy that's— look at him, he's got fucking makeup on for his daughters and he's cooking breakfast every morning. Then he goes trains like that, uh, Jason— what was his name? The big yoke brother from the UFC, Alexander. Remember he came and he was knocking heads and they found out he couldn't do jiu-jitsu? Great guy though.

Houston Alexander.

Yeah, yeah, I watched that thing on him. He was raising 4 girls, his wife the crack mom left left.

That dude was a tank.

He was a tank. And he would train in the mornings, then go home, cook for the kids.

Remember when he knocked out Keith Jardine? Big upset.

Big upset.

Big upset. And then Jardine just tried to take him out, and Houston Alexander was throwing bombs.

He was big and fucking strong.

Jacked.

Jacked.

And he was a radio DJ, you know? He was a radio DJ.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, he was a hip-hop DJ. Find out where Houston Alexander—

I'd love to know where he is.

Like a big DJ.

Yeah, he was successful. He always talked to me at the airport. Very good guy. Very good guy. Very good guy. I was like, wow. But, you know, you— I knew that once I was able to tell my story, where I came from, it was— I didn't know how to do it on stage. Then after I did another podcast, over the years I got better enough to learn how to do it on stage.

But you did figure out how to do something on stage. That was the switch. And the switch was you figured out how to be Joey Diaz in the parking on stage.

That was killing me.

But it went like that.

Like that.

I never saw anybody flip a switch from struggling on stage to crushing like you. I was like, this is wild.

And I'm gonna tell you some of the reasons. I was too focused on material. You're too focused on your fucking material, and you know what, at the end of the day, your material sucks. I've heard it already. And that's what I would think in my mind. So I would do better. When I went up there, just with one thought, and attacked it. Mm. You know what I mean? I mean, it's hard to explain what I'm saying to you.

Yeah. No, you— what you did was you treated the audience like they were your boys and we're all hanging out versus treated the audience like, I'm a comic, here's some jokes. Like, when you first started— when I first— what did I meet you in, '96?

'97.

'97. 7. When I first met you, you were doing jokes, right? Go on stage and do—

and I would focus on the jokes on that paper. Don't focus on that at 11:30 at the store. Your jokes don't mean shit. They just saw 3 hours of top-notch comedy. What are you bringing to the table? You're gonna go up there and tell me what I saw on the news? And who taught us that? Paul Mooney. How to relax. He would just go up there. In my mind, he was just vibing with the audience.

He did a lot of that, and it worked.

And I took that realm of relax.

Mooney taught us a lot.

Relax.

He was a real veteran, you know. He was like one of the only guys when we were there that was there during the prior years, the prior year, and was respected. He wasn't like one of those— there was a few guys that were still hanging around that had not literally axed from the garbage.

They were still doing like Bruce Springsteen jokes.

No, it was just bad. But his laid-back Yeah, attitude, always topical too, always new shit. Anytime new shit was going on the news, he had 10 solid minutes on it, and quick.

Yeah, that day. If it happened, they told on the news that night, that day.

I remember he was crushing on stage once. We were dying in the bathroom. He was, oh, that's right, I write, motherfucker, I write.

Yeah, no, no, he's fucking—

we were dying.

That calmness taught me how to— I was going up there and rushing. Yeah, I was going up there doing two mistakes, rushing and worrying about that material like it was Bible.

Right.

I'll give you an example. Sometimes I get an audition, right? When I was doing a lot of auditions, this is when I learned that early on when I was auditioning, that if I focused on that line, those lines, I wasn't gonna book that part. So I had to dip into Marlon Brando's fucking tools. Marlon Brando didn't read shit. Hit. He put those signs on you so you felt more organic. But it wasn't even that. It was know who your character is. I could tell you to go fuck your mother 18 different ways, right?

Right.

So it's the same thing. You have to just learn not the words, but what he's trying to say in there. You don't need the words. The words are bullshit. What is this guy trying to say in there? Yeah, you take some of the sentences that he's saying but you slow it down. And that's what he did in that scene when he tells everybody, if my son should hang by a bolt of lightning, you then— Marlon Brando in the hotel scene, that's a beautiful fucking scene if you love that shit like I do. All those motherfuckers were wearing signs. You've seen the behind the scenes of that.

So their words, the script was on papers.

So Duvall was sitting across from him with a billboard That's hilarious. That boss was sitting across from me, and you see him, like, he'd just look up. And that I will not forgive. And he'd take another pause and look at another cue card, and because he wanted it to be organic. He didn't want it to sound like those fucking lines his writer wrote.

Right.

And that's for everything. If you know the character— I know the character. I know me. See? That's crazy. Everybody had science talk.

That is really crazy.

But it worked.

Is that crazy?

Did it work? In The Godfather, did it work? Okay, so go fuck yourself.

I was watching this thing where they were very skeptical about him playing.

Oh, did you see the Sony thing? Yeah. The Sony series? Very good.

Yeah, very good. Very good. Yeah. Wasn't it interesting? Imagine skeptical about Marlon Brando playing The Godfather.

Well, brother, he had shot a movie, Butney on the Bounty, and they went down there and the motherfucker fucked that chick and he wasn't even directing anymore. He was in a hut. He gave like the AD the camera. You didn't hear about that? Yeah, that's a huge story.

That's Apocalypse Now, right?

No, no. And then Apocalypse Now, he went to a meeting, they gave him all this loot, and they told him you got to show up 180. Like, you're supposed to be a Green Beret, right? He showed up 400.

Well, that's why they kept him in the dark, right?

They kept him in the dark and he shaved him a black shirt. You know, he didn't give a fuck. He did it however, and that's why they hated him. But at the same time, you gotta love the motherfucker because it's working.

Yeah, well, it was authentic, right?

Yeah, that Apple TV show was very interesting. It was very— and I met that dude. Remember, he created The Longest Yard. Al Ruddy did The Longest Yard from scratch. When he did The Godfather, I think he didn't take two, and he went to do The Longest Yard. He loved it. So he created The Longest Yard. So when we shot our Longest Yard, he was there every Friday for his little checky-poo. Big motherfucker, big dude, dog. Good dude, big hands and shit. Would just talk to you about stuff. Good dude. So I got it like that motherfucker, you know, Pete Ruddy. And I think he did something else after that. Look at the movies he did. Look at the movies he did. Jamie, when you got a minute, Paul Rudy's films.

What was that other question that I'd asked you About— I asked you to look something up. Yes.

Oh my— yes, Omaha. He was from Omaha.

What radio station? Is he still doing it? Yeah, it says he currently is. He currently is still— look at that.

We gotta call him.

I think he fought recently. I think he had a fight like within the last couple of years. Did he? This says 2017 for MMA, box, bare knuckle boxing in 2023. That's it. Yeah, he won all 4 of his bare knuckle fights. Yeah, bare knuckle fighting. Dude's a DJ, UFC veteran. It said, fuck it, let's get some bare knuckle fights.

Fucking greatest stuff that you could DJ and then go fight somebody.

Crazy.

Yeah, and that's life, man. That's just life that's worth living. You got your money, you're getting your money's worth. Yeah, your money's worth. Yeah, you want to sit at home, be sanitary, whatever, like, you know, watching TV and you're scared they're gonna bomb you, you're done. You got to keep fucking living. And that's what, you know, yeah, you got to do things.

That's the thing about life. You got to do things. Too many people just sit around wanting to do things and not doing anything. It's hard to get moving though. That's what a lot of people find. They find it's hard to like go out to that club for that first open mic, step into that gym the first time. Like D-Rod, Daniel Rodriguez. Did you see that podcast? We talked about how he got arrested in Tijuana. Oh, you know D-Rod from the UFC?

Yeah.

So D-Rod beats Kevin Holland, right? Goes to San Diego celebrating, and his boys like, let's go to Tijuana. Fuck yeah, let's go to Tijuana. Just go to drink, have a good time. He just won a huge fight, top 15 UFC welterweight. Has an ounce of weed in his bag. He thinks, fuck Well, weed's legal in California, weed's decriminalized in Mexico, who cares? Maybe I'll bribe somebody, I'll get out of this. It's a federal offense to bring weed in, and even though weed's decriminalized in Mexico, it's not for visitors. It's only for Mexican citizens. Yeah, bro.

How do you get out of that one?

Well, one of the things he had to do was become a Mexican citizen. So he's got dual citizenship now. Yeah, he was in jail for fucking 8 months, man.

Oh my God.

Yeah, he was just training in jail. He looks great. He looks great now. But when he got out, he was— he's like, I had no protein, so I'm in there working out every day with fucking eating noodles and potato chips. No protein. No protein. And so he got real thin. Like, he showed a photo of him like the day he got out. I mean, this motherfucker was training every day, twice a day, in jail. He's like, I'm gonna make the most out of this. But it's—

he has no food.

The food's terrible. So his body wasted away.

I think I used to get protein.

He couldn't. He asked. He tried to get it.

It.

Yeah, he said you get girls, you get all these different things. He goes, he couldn't get fucking good food in Mexico. In Mexico, yeah. And he was a cellmate with a cartel guy. The cartel guy took care of him. The cartel guy recognized him, like, we'll take care of you, hang out with us. And he just said, I'm gonna just keep my nose down, just train. But he said he got a bunch of guys training with him because they were inspired. They're like, fuck yeah, let's train with D-Rod. So he had all these guys in there. He said some of them were fucking talented.

Prison's fun. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. Once you get to your destination and you meet your homies and you create a little thing. It's like anything else. We just can't step out the walls, but you make it happen. You know, I laughed a lot in that, bro. I laughed.

I bet you did.

Because nobody's funnier in prison than Black people. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. They're the true kings of the prison system. And I had the two best. I had the two best. And, you know, sometimes—

That's when you first did stand-up, right? Mm-hmm. First did stand-up just for the inmates.

Yeah. Wednesday, Thursday night.

Just talk some shit.

During the movies, they would go, this movie sucks. They'd be like PT-109. You know, we don't want to see fucking Kennedy in a movie. Get up there, Cuba. And I would just go up there and fuck around. And it was nothing that was— I ever thought about anything. Like, I— you said something before, thinking about the first time you went to that open mic. Boy, was that scary for me.

Terrifying.

Took me 8 months. I was such a pussy. I would call Comedy Works in Denver every week, and every week I'd cancel. Jerry Diaz, you have 3 minutes. Oh, I don't feel good. And then my ex-wife, God bless her, as much as I hate her, she heard me on the phone and she asked her mother to babysit. And she drove me down and I got on stage. I remember getting off that stage going, how am I gonna do this? I'm married with a kid. And 3 months later she came home, she's like, you're a loser, I don't want to be married to you no more. I'm like, yes! Holy fuck, you just did me fucking solid. Then she did me shitty afterwards, but the point is she at least got me to that open mic. So I have to be grateful for something that she did, you know.

It's the hard— the first step's the hard one. Yeah, what I was saying about D-Rod, like the first time he ever went to the gym, his girlfriend got him a membership. She was like, he's— because he drove by it a bunch of times, he thought about training, never went in. He had a bunch of street fights, never went in. He's like, I think I could do that. And then finally she's like, look, I got you a present. I got you a membership.

Hold that thought. Can I go pee real quick? We're at the 2-hour mark. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. I gotta go pee.

And we're back.

That was a tremendous pee.

Oh my God, it's the worst is when you try to concentrate and you have to piss.

No, that's the worst. You can't— that's the fucking worst when you have to drive and shit, you gotta pee. And I'm to an age I just pull over.

Yeah.

Highway, whatever. I open up the both doors and I make believe I'm looking for something, and that dick is out peeing. Like, I pee on the Little League field, and now I got— after surgery, they gave me handicapped parking. I'm living like a doctor. You don't know what life is until you have handicapped parking, dog. You just pull right up. It's always a spot, always. Yeah, like 4 feet away. When I got in the mail, dog, I was happier. That made me so happy. Happy. Fuck walking. When I go to events now in Philadelphia, I just pull up and shit, put a neck brace on, walk out and shit. Oh, it's been beautiful, Joe.

What do you have to do to get one of those?

The doctor.

That's it.

So the doctor was like, oh, do you have it after surgery? I get it for you for 6 months. And then he goes, hold on one second. He went online, he's like, dog, you qualify for everything. You got everything on this list, everything. Go. And they gave me for fucking like 3 years. Oh nice. Yeah, I fucking— oh, tremendous, Joe.

How does it feel right now? You're all right?

Yeah, it feels okay. I just— listen, what happens is you do something every week. Like the second week I went, third week I went, a couple weeks I went boxing, and it was good for like 3 times. And one day I went and I had a plan: 25 minutes, 8 rounds on the bag or the speed bag. But I do the bags and I alternate the bags. Sure enough, round number 6, one of the guys comes over, he goes, Joey, let's hit the mitts. I'm excited, you know, he's a young guy, let's do it. I left there, my fucking leg blew up from that right punch, the cross, because everything walks into it.

You're also moving around.

You're moving around. So I said, fuck it, now I gotta stand in front of the bag. So I learned my lesson. And then last week I went to PT, and that motherfucker had me— I mean, I love him, but TJ, this motherfucker had me doing deadlifts and wall squats with a thing with your weight on on the back.

So it's all just to strengthen the muscles back up.

You have to strengthen, but I prepped. I listened to you guys. I, you know, I did everything I could before the surgery. That's what made it easier. Made it a lot easier. I called you, I told you I was doing shit in 5 days. I didn't have a cane no more, you know. I was done. I started driving at 8 days. Not because I couldn't, but because I was sick and tired of my wife driving me places, and I gotta, you know, argue with her on the right-hand lane.

No problem?

Yeah, like a motherfucker. Wow, that's great. It was the right foot, which is the accelerator-brake combo. So yeah, but yeah, I was out of the house, you know. The pain pills were done after 8 days. Then I had to bring them back for PT. They were fucking killing me after PT. So after PT, you pop one, go home, put ice on it, rub it down with the cream, and stay off it for an hour or two. But then at night, I take a walk around the neighborhood. You could be trying to strengthen this shit, right? Right. You know, we're talking about it outside. Let's say you're in a hospital for 5 days and you eat cereal for 5 fucking days, you gain weight. Your muscle breaks down and goes away. Like, 5 days stay in a hospital could fucking kill you just because, again, there's not that much protein. You're not getting 150 grams of protein a day, and you're not moving. And you're not moving.

Yeah, so that's the big one.

I prepped for the surgery. I took all the supplements Wastewell told me, everything. Besborine. I took shit. My fucking piss is like glows in the dark at night. Purple, yellow. It's fucking amazing. I did all my PTs, all my BPCs, 157, all my TB-500s. I did them for fucking to the T like they told me to. And you know, listen, I'm 63 and it's a 63-year-old knee, so I don't expect to be in the UFC fighting Nogueira next week, but I could walk around and enjoy life with no fucking pain. Or no, it's not pain, it's like you always have an issue, you know it. Yeah, you always have that thing with your knees, sometimes it sticks Well, then you got to do simple shit. You got to get you a piece of paper, put on the floor, and just roll your heel back and forth 20 times. And do kicks when you're sitting around. All those things help the knee. You get that band and you put it around your leg and you just straighten out your leg. I do that at home. This is shit I do at home, you know, instead of watching TV.

It takes 15 fucking minutes. 15 fucking minutes of your time. And I got the Bullworker. They sent me a Bullworker.

What's that?

The thing I told you last time about— it's isometric shit.

Oh, okay.

So I did the Bullworker. I did the deadlifts at the Bullworker. Worker. Now I'm fucked because I don't know how to change the strings. So I gotta learn how to fucking change the strings. But that's all it was. It was preparing for the surgery, right? You can't just go in there and not strengthen the little muscles around the area.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, you got to do something. It's very important, especially if you're going to go into surgery. I know a lot of people that have had knee surgery and didn't do that, and they won't go to PT.

It's like, you don't go to PT? What the fuck is wrong you. Yeah, that's— they came. Listen, I had the surgery Thursday, they were at my house knocking Friday fucking afternoon. I was home Friday from the hospital and they said they're coming over today. That motherfucker had me going up and downstairs, walking outside with the cane, getting in and out of the tub. He was— I don't even have a tub, I have a walk-in shower. But he was like, I'm gonna do everything with you. So it was pretty fucking— like I said, this surgery was a lot better The company that I did business with was a lot better. Last time I did it at CentraState. That's like a medical network in New Jersey. Not bad, they have a great facility there, but you know, when I went to do the surgery, my acupuncture said, when you go talk to that guy the day before the surgery, ask him about the sanitary conditions at that hospital. So when I went, I said, hey, what's the sanitary conditions at the hospital? He's like, ah, you hear rumors And then when I went for the surgery, they prepped me up, they gave me everything, they gave me the IV, they were right about to do that thing in my back, and he said, we're not doing the surgery, I don't agree with the sanitary— I was pissed, but I'm like happy, I could have ended up dead.

The doctor didn't agree with the sanitary conditions?

He came out and said, no, not today, we'll do it next week at a different hospital.

What? Yeah. That's crazy, so were people getting MRSA or something?

Something, they had got MRSA in there, and they were like, no, everybody was telling me, be careful with the Mercer in that hospital.

Mercer's fucking terrifying.

But the funny thing was he gave me a 20-milligram oxy, which they never give you. That's a strong motherfucker. And I forgot I took it. Remember I told you? Yeah, I forgot. I'm in a Chinese restaurant yelling, 'Chino!' I'm like, 'What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh shit, I took that 20!' I was fucked up for 8 hours on that thing.

So they give it to you before the surgery?

Yeah, just one of the precaution. They did that, the precaution. Yeah, precaution, whatever the fuck so you don't wake up in the middle of surgery yelling and fucking screaming like a pussy. They do that. The epidural— the epidural was tough because I felt it in my nutsack. Like, they give you a couple shots, and one of those shots made me actually go like this because I felt it on the bottom towards the end of the nutsack, not the meat and potatoes part, but towards the end, close to the muffler. I was like, this is not bueno, dog.

What is the thing they do, uh, I saw this video online about it. It's like, I think it's called nerve ablation. I might be making that up, but they, they literally like cut the nerves off when people have back pain. Like, some people with back pain, it's like they're in constant nerve pain, and they were showing how they just snip the nerves. And I was like, wait, wait a minute, could— is that hinder your movement? Like, what is— what happens there? Is this it? Yeah. So what is that? Radiofrequency ablation for back pain management. What does it mean? Like, what does that— what do they do? Because the way I was looking at online, I'm like, it looks like they just cut the nerves. A minimally invasive outpatient procedure uses heat to intentionally damage nerves carrying pain signals from the spine to the brain. Primarily provides long-lasting relief for chronic back pain caused by arthritis or facet joint degeneration.

Wow.

But does that mean your back just keeps getting worse but you don't feel it? What happens when you do that? Duration. Uh, back please. Uh, the procedure typically takes 30 to 60 minutes. You could usually go home the same day. Pain relief is not immediate, often takes 1 to 3 weeks for the nerve to fully settle. Relief typically lasts anywhere from 6 to 12 months, although it can last for several years for some patients. Are the nerves permanently destroyed? No, the nerves regenerate over time. When the nerve grows back, your pain may return, but the procedure can be repeated. Whoa. What is the recovery and risks? What's the risks? Complications are rare but include infection, bleeding at the insertion site, temporary numbness, or skin irritation. Oh, normal stuff. Huh. Interesting. Pain. That's nuts, man. Just shut off the pain. You kind of want to know if it hurts though, no? I would imagine like you're doing more damage if you're— if it hurts, right?

It's like cortisol. You're numbing it, right? And then it keeps getting worse, but you don't feel—

well, especially cortisone. With cortisone, you can only do that so many times for like joints. Like it can degrade tendons and stuff because some people, they're knuckleheads, they just keep getting cortisone shots. Next thing you know, your shoulder falls apart.

You don't know. That's the worst thing.

Yeah, you could tear, tear.

And that's what they'll let you do if you let them. So this is what I'm saying, unless you check out what option— listen, it's 2026, man. I'm scared of needles, and I'll tell you, half my life I fucked up because I was scared of needles. If I would have just— I don't know what it was, I was just scared of needles. Now I'll fucking take a needle wherever the fuck you want to give it to me. You know I'm saying? Like, now you can shoot me while I'm standing up. I don't—

once you get used to doing peptides, needles don't mean shit.

And those are diabetic needles, they don't do fucking shit.

Good to stop taking medicine if you don't want to. Ah, that makes sense. So if you're in pain anyway. Yeah. So a success rate is 70 to 85%. It's most stressful when the procedure targets the medial branch nerves responsible for facet joint arthritis. Success typically defined as 50% or greater reduction in lower back pain. Better physical function, reduced need for pain medication. That's big because some people, they're just fucking in— especially back stuff— some people are just in agony every day. They wake up and they're just in agony. And it's a long road back, you know, to getting— if you have back pain, it's a long road to heal that shit. And you got to be very, very smart about it. And you got to stretch. That's one thing that a lot of people don't like to do. A lot of lower back pain you— a lot of that is just everything's tight, and you can stretch and relieve a lot of that shit.

A lot of that yoga comes in handy. You don't go anymore, do you?

I do a lot of yoga things though.

At your house?

I haven't— yeah, we actually have a yoga room in the studio. I've never used it. We got a heated room. We could crank that fucker up to 105 degrees and do yoga.

I haven't done the real life. I'll tell you what else I did after the surgery that worked— hyperbaric chamber.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, that's big. I did that twice a week. I still got 6 left.

That's huge for recovery. For recovery, that's fantastic.

And my oxygen levels are always low, Joe. I gotta figure— I gotta talk to Waze tomorrow. Every morning I wake up, 88%. You know, I'm always in the red zone. I gotta— 'cause I think lack of oxygen is helping me burn fat and a lot of other shit. My oxygen's at 88 some days, 80 fucking 5.

Why would that help you burn fat?

'Cause you need oxygen. To do everything. You need oxygen for a fucking fire.

So if you have low oxygen, you burn fat.

How can you recuperate? How can you fully recuperate with no oxygen in your fucking— I think— I don't know.

I'm not sure that's correct, but I think that the more you exercise, the more you're gonna get oxygen in your system for sure. Well, hyperbaric pain chamber will help, but once you're like fully healed up and you can really exercise on a regular basis, it'll get back to normal.

Nah, because I do breath exercise every morning. That's what you have to do. You have to breathe through your nose like 10 times and then hold it. And then I take the—

what do they think is causing it, the low oxygen?

They don't know.

They don't know.

They don't know nothing. They don't know nothing. They don't want to find out nothing. But I'll take the cord and the clip that you put on your finger, I put on my ear. It gives you a better read.

What's more accurate?

So far, the ear for me. I learned that from an old Filipino lady in the hospital. She had all the tricks. So I do that. I test it, you know, when I wake up in the morning, I have it. I check my blood pressure like twice a day. It's the best it's been in 20 fucking years.

I think some of those Fitbits can do that shit now. Can they do that? Do they measure oxygen levels? So there's some of those really advanced wearable devices. Devices can measure oxygen levels too now, I think. Is that real, or is it?

Yeah, yeah, they all do. They all do. That's part of the deal.

They measure your heart rate, heart rate variable, like those wearables, like the wrist stuff. Yeah.

Oh really? So I'll tell you what I got in mind. I got a— the fuck— in the mornings it tells you what are you wearing.

Yeah, within— does that test oxygen levels?

No, it has respiratory rate. I got to get back on the Whoop.

It's got— I used to use it all the time. They've gotten even better.

Yeah, this one is a lot better. My heart rate's good today. My oxygen's 91 because I'm here with you. And my skin temperature is -1. So it takes all that shit.

I, uh, my problem with wearables is all these tattoos. So like, uh, this— oh, okay, it's reading it now. This reads my heart rate. This is a Garmin. It reads my heart rate. Some— all right, now it's not— like, it doesn't read through the tattoos very well. I have to like move it around to get it fucking insane.

Yeah, that's fucking insane.

You can't read through the tattoos because the ink's in the way. Doesn't— you know, it's, it's, it's literally using some sort of a visual, um, system. It's like, it's light. Like, if you look at the back of the watch watch. There's a— there's like a light back there, see?

Yeah, I have the same.

That is flashing into your veins, and then it somehow or another gets information from that, and that's how it tells you exactly the same thing. Yeah, so the problem is all these tattoos. I thought about like removing my tattoos just around the whole— the circle where the watch goes, just like go get it lasered. I might it because I don't see that anyway.

I'm always—

no, I always have a watch on. And so like, now it's reading.

They're speaking about, you know, burning your nerves and all that shit and that thing that— I mean, one year I had a fun— I still got a fungi toenail, but I had the really bad fungi toenail, and I saw a thing in Groupon for a company in Studio City that blowtorched it with heat for 6 sessions to kill the fungus. Yeah, no, it never worked. Worked, but I went anyway. The lady would put like a mask on, we're fucking, and she'd look at my toe like you could see her fucking. And as she was burning it, you could smell the fungus burning. It smells like dead fucking assholes. And she would be there, and I would ask her questions so she'd have to pull the mask off. Take a whiff of this fucking fungi toenail. Oh, there's times I buff it out myself now because nobody will buff it out for me Like, I can't take it to a Chinese woman, they'll lose their mind.

Can you put like antifungus cream on it?

I put everything on it. It's too deep. This fungus runs deep. This is the fungus I brought back from Cuba. And it fucking pops up from time to time. I get under my tit, like, it just— the fungus just grows. I don't know what I have to eat. Like, some days I eat something and it backfires and I get all these fungus marks. I get all itchy and shit out of a creep. But this bitch burnt that toe for 6 weeks, and every week I would ask her more creepy questions. She would have to take that mask off and smell that fungus, dog. It was horrible. When she would walk out, she closed the door. Like, I was like, nope. And the thing never worked. She never burned me once, but she was serious with that blowtorch.

It didn't work?

No, it did nothing. I told you, the fungus is too deep. So to get rid of that, you have to do a liver to see how strong— because the zapping is fucking hard on your body, and it's really hard on your liver. So my liver didn't cut it, so they can't zap me with that medication.

Did you hear about that lady who had Alzheimer's? She couldn't talk anymore. They gave her 5 grams of psilocybin mushrooms, and she's singing opera now. Also, she came back. It's unbelievable. Talking— they said she hadn't talked in a long time. She could remember things.

I know for a fact I got a good buddy of mine that stuttered. That was his childhood thing. Every time he smoked crack, you should have seen that motherfucker, not a strut in there. He talks to you straight.

Paul, you know Paul Stamets, the mushroom expert? He's been on this podcast many times. He's a legitimate mycologist, like a scientist. He had a horrible stutter when he was a kid. Took 10 grams, gone, gone, gone.

It's unreal. And people will still go, nah, mushrooms are deadly, they're gonna kill you. Fuck you.

Isn't that crazy?

You need to see the devil every once in a while in your life, and that's what people don't— they don't see the downside. Because eating those mushrooms from time to time makes you step out like THC does and makes you look at yourself and make like a judgment call on what the fuck you're doing with your life.

What are you doing with your life? You chewing that fucking Zinn and talking at the same time?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't have big enough fucking gums, I guess. I don't know. Don't say that.

Yeah, it's— the real problem is that it's illegal. You know what they should do with that? You know what they did with Colorado with 39% tax? Tax, make mushrooms 100%. Tax it 100%. We'll still buy them. People will still buy them. Make it legal, tax it 100%. You know how much fucking money they would generate? And I guarantee you— well, I was gonna say people wouldn't be doing more mushrooms, but they definitely would. If you— but it'd be good for everybody.

Listen, the only thing that stalls people from mushrooms is the taste. Most people put it in the grinder and then they put it in capsules and they do it that way. All different things.

That should not be a hurdle.

You You told me you were gonna get that property a couple years ago, which you didn't get. I thought you were gonna grow mushrooms out there, like get somebody to set it up and Joe Rogan's mushrooms.

Why?

I would never do your fucking recipe.

Like, no, it's— that's, that's not legal. I would, uh, it's not legal federally. That's the problem. I mean, this is part of what Trump is trying to change with this Psychedelics Act. So all that shit was made illegal in 1971. 1970. It was the Nixon administration, the Controlled Substances Act. If that hadn't happened in 1970, we'd be living in a better world. Like, legitimately, we would be living in a better world. You'd have way more people having access to this stuff, way more people that could get over whatever the fuck their hurdle is, whatever problem they have, whatever it is. It's not for everybody. There's a lot of people that shouldn't do it. There's a lot of people that are schizophrenic and that they just need one mushroom trip and one— they're gone, one— they're never coming back. There's a lot of people that are hanging on, they're hanging on, and one edible, one mushroom trip, one, one, one meeting with the devil, and they never come back. That's true, but those people were already fucked. That's the problem. But for the rest of us, for the rest of the world, which is like most things— like, some people eat a Brazil nut, they're dead.

Right? Some people eat peanuts and they're dead. They have a deadly allergy to peanuts. I could eat peanuts all day long.

Can you look up how many people diarrhea from fucking peanuts?

It's quite a few.

Come on.

Yeah, it's quite a few. It's kind of shocking.

Why?

Well, here's the really crazy thing. A lot of people think it has to do with vaccines. They think, this is Brett Weinstein's proposal, is that when you take that vaccine, so there's aluminum in the vaccine, that's an irritant, right? And this is what fires up your immune system. And then there's the dead virus, so your body develops these antibodies.

Look at that, 1 to 4 annually.

Give me that. It's a lot of people. Huh? It's a lot of people.

No, 4 people.

4 whole people. What about in the world? How many people die for— about, it's 4 in the world, 'cause none of them die anywhere else. Food allergies in general are responsible for about 100 deaths.

Yeah, this is all made up white people shit.

Well, there's a few people though, they just avoid the peanuts, but there are people that if they get peanuts, they'll die. Bret Weinstein thinks it has to do with eating peanuts right after you've been vaccinated, and that something— I don't know if he's right, but something about your body reacting— this is the reason why your body creates this antibody to the dead virus that's in the vaccine. You know, if you give someone whatever it is, any— figure out whatever the disease You have a dead virus and then you have this irritant. And so the two of them together, your body reacts to this aluminum. And it used to be— what is the other shit they don't put in it? There was mercury, ethylmercury and methylmercury, the two different types of mercury they've tried to do that in vaccines. But there's problems with that too. Obviously mercury is toxic, so is aluminum. But he thinks that if you have aluminum from this vaccine and you're in contact with other things at the same time, you could develop an allergy for those things. Whether it's wheat, gluten, whether it's animals, whatever it is. Like it's possible, he believes, to develop an allergy when you get vaccinated.

And he thinks that's, with the rise in vaccines and the rise in food allergies, he thinks those are connected.

Now let me ask you this.

I don't know if he's right.

If you went to your great, your grandfather in Newark, He's an immigrant who came over and you told me you had a peanut allergy. How many times would he smack you in the fucking face?

Well, he wasn't a violent man.

He was very kind man. But still, he'd go, Joe, what the fuck?

Peanuts? He would make fun of it.

I grew up on pine nuts every fucking day. Two pine nuts. I was allergic to maple syrup.

Well, the idea of being allergic to bread back then was preposterous. First of all, he would get bread like every two days. They would go down to the local Italian bakery and buy Italian bread. That's the only bread everybody ate in the house. House. It's so funny, like, I didn't even appreciate it back then. Like, when I'd have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'd be like, why don't they give it to me on this bullshit thick bread? Because you got to cut the bread. Yeah, you know, I'm like, give me some fucking white bread like a real person. Well, some Wonder Bread, that's what I wanted. When you're a kid, you want Wonder Bread. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a— what, like, I'd get whole wheat. I'd be like, what is this horseshit?

I think you'd be in prison.

What is this terrible fucking shitty bran-filled wheat with all all the fucking chunks of wheat that's in it. Get the fuck out of here with your whole wheat bread. I hated it. Now I love it. Now it's the only— like, if I see like regular white bread, I'm like, ugh, I'm never eating that.

Let me ask you this. That bread that your grandfather was getting in Hoboken, in Newark, two blocks away, they were old school Italian people. They made everything in the '70s and '60s without all the shit that's in now.

I remember the bags.

Yeah, white paper bags.

Yeah, and the fresh Italian—

and the bread tasted great. It's fucking great with a piece of butter when you dip it in the— oh, when the red sauce—

you go fucking crazy. So good with butter. You put butter on that bread and you dip it in that pasta sauce.

Holy shit. So I gotta stop eating mussels, all right? That's my favorite dish, mussels with spicy— yeah, because you can eat a loaf of bread. I can't— my body can't fucking do that no more, especially with the red sauce. Oh, a loaf of bread. Oh, go through the whole loaf with the butter or the olive oil on the bread. You need all that I said I can't eat mussels no more. I love mussels. I go to Rudy's, I got some mussels. They're big. They look like a fucking chick, a 6— looks like a 6-foot woman's clit. They're that fucking big, the mussels. You think I'm kidding you? These fucking clit mussels. When I go to other restaurants, you get those little mussels, then you get a couple big ones. No, no, no, they give you 9 big chick gorilla-raised fucking pussy clits, and they're huge, and they put a little sauce on feel it.

So good.

Oh my God, it makes me go fucking—

There was a Thai place that I used to go to in LA, Thai food, and they had mussels and big fucking spicy mussels. They were huge, so good.

Oh, not the Thai place Eddie took me to, the one next to the fucking 10th Planet on, on La Brea. Oh yeah, I went in there with Eddie one night. I already hate Thai food, and he took— Come on, I'll buy you lunch. I'm broke. You don't like Thai I went in there, there was ants on the wall. I'm like, what the fuck? But I like, uh, the one that you took your shoes off. They had the best shrimp pâté in the country.

You took your shoes off?

Yeah, there's one on Sunset right across the comic book store. Toy. Toy.

Oh, Toy Thai. Toy Thai. Yeah, that place legit solid place.

Very good place. The best place ever was— what's the place next to the Laugh Factory?

Greenblatt's Deli.

Greenblatt's Deli.

Oh, that was That was a great joint.

Until I tell you this story. I'm in there with Ralphie May one day, and he gets a roast beef sandwich, and he's eating the roast beef, and I could see the ants on his arm. And he opens it up, and there's ants all over the sandwich. Listen to me. He called the waiter. The waiter's still charging for half a sandwich.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

I was like, he's like, I ain't paying shit. This motherfucker had ants on it. I didn't even eat the other one. The ants were on his fucking arm.

They weren't in the sandwich.

They were on the sandwich too.

Oh, so it was just all over the place.

They were all over the place. Greenblatt's. Greenblatt's, which I still eat. I don't even think it's that—

I only ate there a few times, which is weird because it was right next door to the Laugh Factory.

It was good too.

I kind of stopped going to the Laugh Factory after a certain point. It was a certain point in like the 2000s where I'm like, I think I'm done with this place. And I was mostly at the Store.

Yeah, I like the Laugh Factory.

I like the Improv. I love the Improv still. I always did the Improv still. But the Laugh Factory to me was like— there was something about it that was like sterile. There was something about it. Not a bad thing, but it was like very much like a lot of people got TV deals out of the Laugh Factory.

That was the big thing about the Laugh Factory. Different kind of comedy.

You know, it was— the Store was the dream. You know, the Laugh Factory was nice and everything, but then it was also like, remember Scott Day? He would discourage— he would try to discourage you from going to the Laugh Factory. He's like, you're a Comedy Store comic, you know, listen, man, I got to go up everywhere. I can't— I'm developing. I can't be just limiting myself to one place.

But after a while, you're like, I develop better at the store.

Well, this thing about the store too, you got 3 totally different environments. You got the belly room environment, which is like very intimate. Very small, 70 people. And then you got the OR, which is the gritty. That's, that's the psychopaths at 11:30 on a fucking Tuesday night. And then you got the main room, which is the big show. There was so much opportunity.

I fucking always hated the main room till the last 5 years I was there. I just couldn't get the formula for it. But the original room, I knew it like everything.

The original room, you're locked into a living room.

You're locked into it. And that's— and then the piano and the whole fucking thing.

The main room was big, big stage, big crowd. It was big ceiling. Everything was big. It was different. It was a different kind of a show.

The first time I showcased for Jamie, he's like, man, what are you doing here? You belong in Las Vegas, man, in a showroom. You're not an LA comic.

That's hilarious. Jamie always had the craziest ideas for people, but he—

at the end, he was a really good guy. At the end of the day, he really tried hard.

Well, he loved comedy.

Yeah, he loved comedy. All those people were very nice. You know, I just went to Nashville Nashville for the comedy festival. Uh-huh. And I ended up doing the old Opry, you know, that theater there. What's the name of the theater?

Grand Ole Opry.

Yeah. And it was great. But the great thing about that, that everybody from the Improv was there last night. I saw people that were there for 25 years, and we just were dropping stories. Aaron, the guy Hartman— Hartman looks great. He's a big peptide guy, big everything guy. He lives in Nashville. Uh, Joel from Florida. Oh, you know, when you get to see those guys and you're like, wow, we've been in this shit together forever. Like I told Aaron, I met Aaron in Irvine, then she came to Hollywood and I was like psyched because she gave us an 11 o'clock show and she was pregnant. She was hot. She used to wear the farmer, those things, the overalls, the overalls. Oh, she was so hot. I still tell her when I talk to her, I always tell her, Aaron, you sexy savage. I always fucking tormentor. But it was really nice to see them. And everything, you know, Hartman, me told the story when I told him I was gonna bang his head off the wall, you know, just craziness. That look at us now, we're all in there having a great time. 20 years ago, we were always at war with one of you guys.

We cursed too much, you know. We were talking about when I got fired with Pablo. Yeah. And then he found out I wasn't doing coke and he felt really bad, you know. So it was, uh, it was just great to see what we've been through together. And now after everything, you're like, fuck, I was there the fucking night Joe started.

That was in Miami, right?

That was in Miami, '98. Yeah, New Year's of '99.

That's crazy.

And Madonna came in with Chris fucking Rock. Wow. And to watch somebody New Year's Eve, I forget who the fuck it was, but yeah, that's— you look at those people, you're like, we took the ride, we were kids. We were fucking kids together.

And also, you have to think, like, imagine having to employ you. Imagine being a businessman and you got to employ you in '98. God bless them.

Not good.

God bless them.

I remember the Improv really liked me and I fucked them over in like 2007.

Who was the guy, the original guy at Coconut Grove? The guy who liked to party.

I forget his name now. Rich, Jeff, give me a minute. Yeah, give me a minute.

The original guy.

Yeah, crazy.

He was fun, crazy, fun guy.

Really funny. He's from Cleveland. He lived in Cleveland, like to party, and his wife hit the lottery for a million.

People didn't realize how nutty Coconut Grove was. That was the nuttiest improv. That improv, we would go out afterwards and have Cuban coffee and eat Cuban sandwiches at like 2 o'clock in the morning.

Thing, the newsstand. Yeah, it was open till 5 and it closed for an hour.

Stories.

Yeah, and you could drink till all night. But oh yeah, so they closed from 5 to 6, but whatever booze you had on the table you could keep. So you would say, give me like 8 beers, and then they would open up again at 6 and you're right there.

Hey, it closed for 1 hour. Oh, at 5 in the morning.

I remember one night you were on Conan Brian, this is '97, right? No, you did somebody's late show. Okay, it was the week that our friend got shot. Oh, that Hartman Hartman thing. You can't believe I remember. See, I'm just telling you that I don't know shit. Look up the dates when Hartman got shot. You were on that show, like you were with me all weekend, and I stayed, and then you went to New York to shoot that, and then that weekend Hartman you know. But I'll never forget, I was involved in a threesome when you were on that talk show. It's a chubby chick and a hot chick, and we're snorting coke, and I'm trying to get ass, and I'm looking at you. I go, pull on, put on NBC. So I go watch Joe, and I'm watching you as I'm trying to tackle these two animals. I'm like, who the fuck gonna believe this? The chubby chick got up, she's like, you didn't want to be with me anyway, you always wanted the hot chicken, slammed the door. It was a full night. It was a full night.

Cocaine down.

But all that shit, you see these people now and you're like, bro, we all went through it together. Yeah, we all went through it together. What a great fucking thing to have at this time in your life that we all— we're all here, you know. Fucking really nice, man. It makes you go, wow, this comedy life was worth every fucking penny I got in into it.

It's a fun ride when you look back and you think, like, imagine when you're first starting out, imagine that it would turn out this way. You never imagined it. And then you look back, what a fun ride. What an extraordinarily fun life.

I'll never forget, and you had it pinned down from the beginning, I never even told you this. One of my friends, I got to LA like January '97, and that summer, like August, Nope, no, that's Cleveland Improv.

I know, since he owned the, uh, one in Miami too. Oh no, it was the manager. Oh, no worries though, my friend. Thank you though.

What are we talking about?

Uh, something pinned down, manager.

Who the fuck knows?

We were talking about— oh, never imagine it. That looking back on this life, like when you first started, I would never imagine it would turn out this way.

You said something about me once that was right. Like, I wasn't on the podcast, but you were talking to somebody. You're like, I remember when that guy first came on the scene, he was scary. He had a leather jacket and all this shit. He was buck wild. You know, I just get to LA and I do a couple spots. The guys at my first talent coordinator at the Improv said to me, Hey, would you like to work Irvine? And I go, yeah. He goes, I got an MC spot, go do it next week. My first time ever. I go down there and I had a crazy girlfriend then with all the teeth.

Oh yeah.

And this motherfucking head chef comes up to me and her and he goes, hey, she's got the same mouth as Gina Davis, the nice cocksucker mouth. That was my first weekend ever. And at first I took it kind of weird and then after the show, I went up to him and I go, hey man, who the fuck do you think you are saying something like that? He goes, what are you doing? If you go at me, you'll never work an improv again. I just kicked him in the fucking stomach as hard as I could. They called me the next day. Joey, come on, man. I kicked him, the guy fell apart. All of a sudden he wasn't a tough guy no more. I was just so pissed. How can you say that to somebody's fucking girlfriend to her face? I just fucking front kicked him and I hit him somewhere in the stomach. He was holding on. I'm calling Hartman. Call fucking Hartman. I don't give a fuck. I remember getting the car going, Joey, you can't let the old Joey get in the way, man. This is not good. You should have just walked away.

But no, why would I walk away? Fuck that shit. That was the problem. A lot of people would walk away from that shit and you just lost. You just became a Hollywood asshole. When you say fuck you, they'll respect you fucking more a year later. And they did. They ended up giving me more work.

So was that guy still there when you went back?

No, he was like a cute cook that thought he cute, like he Orange County, he wasn't gonna get smacked. I don't give a fuck who you are. I fucking kicked that motherfucker. I didn't give a fuck, Jack. I was so buck wild at the store in the beginning when I hit the kid in the head with the microphone. And then they came and got me in La Jolla, and I took the pool— the pool, remember they had that pool table in La Jolla, the bumper? They had a bumper pool table in La Jolla, right? So these guys kept threatening me that they were going to come get me, so I became fucking Chuck Norris in Code of Silence. I took all the pool balls and I put them in different places so I had to throw them at him as a weapon. Then I hit all the fucking pool cues. You ever see Code of Silence? That's— then Seagal stole it from him in that fucking Bobby Lupo movie. But that was, that was Chuck Norris when he would fill a bag with both pool cues and hit you in the head with it and shit in the pool hall with the Colombians.

Doug and that motherfucker. I saw them. I was sitting outside the La Jolla Stormer. They had that little bench facing the Chinese restaurant. You don't remember La Jolla no more. And I saw them at the light, and they made the turn, and I took one of those balls and I kept it right here. And they pulled up and took water pistols out, and I fucking took that ball and threw it with everything I had and hit that car. And all of a sudden, the fucking car went Boom! These motherfuckers took off, Jack.

Code of Silence. I remember this because this was like the first, like, real movie movie that, like, got respected by— it wasn't just a karate movie. It was a movie that was about, like, an undercover cop movie, right?

Yeah, against the Colombians.

But it was— the fighting part was just part of it. But this wasn't that it was, you know, it was just a karate movie like most of his other movies were just karate movies, or, you know, they were kind of campy, like Missing in Action. It was a lot, a lot of it based on the karate. This was— oh, we got hit by the pool ball. Oh, they jump him. This is a terrible movie.

This is terrible. I thought, man, it was the shit back then, dog.

So when you watch it now, you're like, this is the corniest fight scene of all time. These guys would overwhelm him.

Listen, man, uh Good Men Wear Black. Chuck Norris had a couple movies where he showed his shit. This was not one of them. Walker, Sheriff Marshall was not one of them, okay? With the wig doing push-ups still on Channel 89, that wasn't him. I love Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris made some good movies early on that were dark. That's why nobody talks about Good Men Wear Black. What's the other one? The Octagon.

Oh yeah.

You forget about all those.

Yeah, is this Good Men— Good Guys Wear Black? 1978. Wow, how many fucking people did this guy get into martial arts? Like, how many people because of Chuck Norris movies wind up doing martial arts? A fucking shitload.

I got into Tang Soo Do because of him, because he was one of the first Tang Soo Do guys, and he split. He made his own thing or whatever the fuck.

It's kind of amazing when you think about how many karate guys didn't make it. Like, how many guys didn't become karate movie stars and Chuck Norris did? Like, how many of them were there? How many karate guys wanted to be movie stars and couldn't figure it out and he did?

So I saw every martial arts film made in the '70s, even with the black exploitation, the The movie was called Three the Hard Way. Jim Brown, Jim Kelly, and the other really good black— Jim Kelly, Jim Kelly was trying to break into that thing. There was a lot of movies. And then after Bruce Lee died, the whole thing opened up. Yeah, Jet Li, Jet Li, Bruce Lee. You had all these fucking Bruces. And that just— that was the end of it. But I was notorious. I want to see all those fucking movies growing Billy Jack. You don't remember Billy Jack?

I remember Billy Jack, the Indian. Oh yeah, I remember, I remember the black hat, I remember the whole deal. I'm gonna put this foot on that side of your face.

They even had a white Mormon dude be a marshal. Everybody, Chinese, black, everybody played fucking kung fu. Everybody. And that movie, Code of Silence, is Dennis Farina's, one of his first movies.

He's really—

yeah, he's a psychic. In that movie. Ah, fucking— you just, you know, people forget how many kung fu movies or martial art-based movies they actually made in the '70s. Fucking unreal. Oh yeah, and the shit that was getting sent here from China, it's like, uh, kid porn. They were just sending me every weekend fucking Chinese people beating up on Chinese people, jumping. Remember, the more they got older, like by '70s— Bruce died in '73— by '76 There was movies that the guy had like a thing of gold, it weighed like 10, 2 tons, and he would throw it up a hill and then jump and catch it on top of the hill. Come on, now you lost me. The one-armed swordsman, you lost me. You know, the guy's got one arm and he's—

but you know, dudes love those kung fu movies.

They were completely ridiculous. Forget about black people, recreate— like, you know, when people talk about Bruce Lee, it was a sensational cultural fucking phenomenon when he came. And the people Think about all the people he opened up to martial art movies and martial arts in general. I mean, Chuck Norris was the second half of it, you know. Bruce was the first, Chuck Norris was the second, and I hate to admit it, UFC is the third big wave of that. That, yeah, you know, nobody goes to karate no more, okay? How many karate schools you got? It's for kids, 10. They make them hit a paper, you know.

They're going to jiu-jitsu schools.

Yeah, they're going to all different schools. So It's changed. The culture has changed. You know, in '73, everybody went to Wing Chun Kung Fu. Yep. You taught judo, you became a Wing Chun dude now because you weren't gonna make no money off judo. Nobody was doing judo back then. You had to go to Brooklyn to get savate classes. Remember savate?

Yeah, the French.

Yeah, you had to go to Brooklyn. In those days, New York had everything. But then when, like, our friend, the one who does the MMA podcast with you, Matt Serra. When Matt Serra got into jiu-jitsu, he would have to go from Long Island all the way to like close to Philadelphia. It'd be 3 hours on Sundays. Jiu-jitsu wasn't everywhere yet when he got into it. He would have to travel. I think he told the story on his podcast. He would have to drive to Jersey just on Sundays. They just did jiu-jitsu on Sundays because that's all that was available. Now you got a jiu-jitsu school on every fucking corner. And who's the That's because of the UFC, man. It just blew it the fuck right open. So who knows, I may be wrong.

No, I think you're right. For sure, the UFC opened up Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Royce Gracie, Royce Gracie winning the first UFCs, that opened up Brazilian jiu-jitsu all over the country.

Saying, what the fuck is this?

It was a completely new— I mean, there was no Brazilian jiu-jitsu in America. You never even talked about it. I did martial arts my whole life, I've never even heard of it. You heard of it, but I don't even know. So far off, I barely even paid attention to it. It was like it could have been anything. And then all of a sudden the UFC came along, it's like, oh my god, that's the thing that everybody needs to learn. That's what's wild now. It's like how many people trained martial arts in comparison to like 50 years ago? It's not— there's no comparison. There's way more people that know how to fight now than like ever before, and ever before.

Or at least they know how neutralize somebody.

Well, a lot of people are training now.

Way more people learn to neutralize people. Anybody who studies jiu-jitsu ain't gonna bully you, okay? They're gonna neutralize you on the street. What are you gonna do, break your fucking shoulder on the street? They're trying to neutralize you, hold you down. Hey, take a breath, relax. Don't swing at me because I'll break this fucking arm.

Did you ever see the video of Matt Serra? I think it was in Atlantic City. And might have been Vegas, somewhere in a casino. Some drunk guy is causing problems, and Matt winds up taking him down and mounting him until the cops come. He's just holding on to the guy, just sitting on the guy, hold on. There it is, the guy's swinging. Look at Matt, like, you've got a literal Brazilian jiu-jitsu world champion and he's just mounting you, laughing. Like, you think about picking on the wrong guy. He's just holding on. I mean, the guy The guy's completely helpless. I don't remember the whole story behind this. Look at the security guard coming over, he's like, relax, I got this guy.

You and I both know Mac could knee him, kick him in the face, and get up and leave.

He could literally kill him.

This is what I'm telling you, the jiu-jitsu, that atmosphere doesn't teach you to do that. It just holds you down going, hey.

Well, he has nothing to prove, you know.

No, catch your breath.

He's laughing, he's a world champion. I mean, I don't know if he had been the UFC champion by that time.

But you know, what are you gonna do, come on with somebody on the street and break their shoulder? Now you have to live.

You're gonna go to jail.

Yeah, you're gonna go to jail.

You lose everything.

I know jiu-jitsu people take you down like the bouncers. Yeah, they just neutralize you.

It was the night before his Hall of Fame induction to the UFC. Okay, so that's way past the time that he won the title. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's, that's very funny. That poor guy. Imagine like knowing that guy could have killed you. And he was just so nice. All he did was hold your wrists and sit on your chest for a little while.

Look at him, he looked like he was on a boat having a good time. He's like, hey, somebody get me a water or something.

He's— the guy's literally helpless. He has no fear whatsoever of that guy hurting him, you know. It's like, it's like a child. It's like your little child's having a temper tantrum. Like, come on, it's Matt Serra. It's funny. There's so many dummies out there. This is part of the problem in this world. It's hard to get your shit together. Together. So many people just stumble through life just never getting their shit together.

I phoned my friend last night. She has like a cooking show on YouTube. She goes, I had to stop doing it, Joey, because my mother would watch and these people would say like the weirdest— like, you know, everything, show me your tits, show me your pussy, you can't cook, bitch. And you're like, you know, how much longer am I going to take this shit for?

People People are so horrible.

They're fucking horrible on the internet. You know, you're a young girl looking good. It's like, Joey, I had to cancel the fucking thing. She was doing like a workout, a cooking thing. She goes, now I just play with my cats. That's it. And people love cats because that's it. But it's, it's impossible. There's so many animals out there and they're out there and they don't give a fuck and they say shit.

It's also the zero consequences for saying horrible shit.

Yeah.

And they're trying to get a rise out of the other people in the comments too. So they're trying to say outrageous shit so that other people react to so that you'll read it, you'll react to it.

It's the dumbest fucking thing ever.

It is. I was thinking this last night. It's kind of a crazy thought, but you know, everyone is addicted right now to social media and addicted to going online and just addicted to content. You're constantly getting content, you're constantly interacting with your phone, and this is a very new thing, right? It's within the last 20 years this has happened to people. This is like prepping us for what's coming next. We're gonna look back on these days and we're gonna realize, oh, the addictions to the phones, the addictions to staring at the screens and checking your email and looking at YouTube and looking at Instagram and looking at Twitter, that's just preparing you for you being completely connected to electronics forever. This is like the early stages of it. I was thinking about it last night while I was watching this television show. I'm watching this crazy show. It's called From. Have you seen this show? No, no, it's nuts. By the guys who made Lost. One of the dudes that's in Lost is the main star of it. It's a fucking great show, like a really good show, like very unpredictable, twisted, just like Lost.

Like crazy show about these people stuck in this town that can't get out. It's impossible to get out. But I was thinking while I was watching this, I was like, why is everyone— because no one has a phone there and everyone's just locked into this place. I was like, your phone is preparing you. The addiction to our phones are preparing us to the next stage of what life is gonna be like as a person. This is just the gate. The phones are the gate. But what's coming next, you're gonna reminisce about the days of the phone. Oh, you remember when we had phones? We had to look things up. You had a little thing, you gotta charge it. Remember when you had to charge it? That's how we're gonna be. We're moving into some weird new area. They're building these fucking data centers everywhere, and everyone's like, oh, the data center, what great. Like, what is that? What are you doing? Why are you building these things that need to be powered by nuclear reactors?

Why do you—

why are you building these things that are sucking up all the fucking water? Why are they putting these things out in the middle of the desert? Big as fucking 5 football fields, huge fucking giant buildings filled with computers. Like, why? What the fuck are we doing? And the gates is this goddamn phone. This phone is the gate where we're opening up the door to us getting completely integrated.

My daughter can't watch a whole movie.

They have no attention span.

40 minutes in, she has to leave, and then she'll start it from the next day. I had to watch Scarface though.

You had her watch Scarface?

Yeah, because we watch— we do experimentals at the house. We did the Fight Club, we do all that shit. So she said, Dad, I always only watch the part when he shoots the brother-in-law, you know, that's the only part. It's always on when I come down. I go, I want to watch from the beginning. She enjoyed it for a little while. I went upstairs after one scene. I'm like, I can't watch this again. She goes, I'll stay up. Two days later, mother goes, did you see the review she wrote? On it? And I go, no. She goes, take a look at it. And she's like, I enjoyed the movie, I was a fan because it was Cuban-American, but then as the movie rolled on, I figured these Cubans don't know how to treat women. He goes, they was smacking them and shooting. All you do is sit around, wait up for me to fuck you. She didn't fucking like at all. She's like, I know my dad's Cuban, but Jesus Christ, they're so mean to their women. I'm like, do I act like that? She goes, no, but that's cocaine days. Yeah, she said, she goes, that gave men a different fucking thing.

I go, Mercy, that was 40 fucking years ago.

Not only that, you're dealing with the people that were the criminals of Cuba that were kicked out of Cuba that made their way to America. Like, this is not normal people.

No, no. And now they're about to let the second half out. Everything good.

What are they doing to Cuba right now?

Well, they're not surviving. They don't have any, uh, power, no gasoline. It's funny because every couple days I get an algorithm which is promoting Cuban videos. Cuban videos, people in Cuba, like they had kids going to work out. Yo, they took them to like this little place Everything had papers on it. They did pull-ups, sit-ups with the head. The pipes were broken. You gotta see these fucking kids doing full workouts with what we wouldn't even look at. Their bodyweight workouts, you know. They talking, they go around Varadero and they interview people. And I don't know what this is doing. I don't know what this is doing because we're 2 years away from Cuba being legit. They're gonna go back down there after this whole thing goes, or Raul, whatever, whatever they decide. They can't get fuel from Venezuela. How long is it gonna take? I mean, they're not gonna be happy till they have a Starbucks in Cuba.

So what happened was they were getting their oil from Venezuela, right?

Right.

We took over Venezuela, we cut off their oil.

Cut them off.

And so what is the United States trying to do with Cuba right now? They're trying to get rid of the communist government?

They're trying to— well, they're gonna— they charged Raúl Castro with something recently. That's the beginning. This is gonna end up like Noriega.

Fidel's brother.

You're gonna wake up one day and on ABC News. Yeah, they are in Cuba pulling people out.

But doesn't China and Russia have a relationship with Cuba? Isn't that a problem?

Not really, because they're not paying their bills. That's why Cuba's starving. When they had Russia, Russia was fucking doing everything, but then they didn't need them no more and they cut them off. I think there's— they do small trades for sugar.

It is kind of crazy for the United States to have an enemy that's 90 minutes offshore in Trump administration said on 2026, May 20th, indicted former Cuban President Raúl Castro for murder based on the downing of two planes near the Cuban coastline in 1996 that killed four people. As a historian of Latin American and U.S. foreign policy, I believe the indictment may be the prelude to a direct U.S. military action against Cuba.

This is the beginning.

This is, uh, Kevin A. Young from UMass Amherst. First, before Castro, the last US indictment of a Latin American leader occurred in January of 2026. That's the Venezuela thing. Since January, US has ended the flow of Venezuelan oil to Cuba and has economic and military pressure to prevent other nations from trading with the island. Trump recently threatened a friendly takeover of Cuba. I believe what's missing from most recent analysis of this situation is the history of US aggression against Cuba is essential context for understanding the Trump administration's recent escalations.

Yeah, once they indict you, they're coming for you. It's just a matter of time.

Like the same— they're just starving the country.

We woke up, yeah, they just—

and then they'll come up with a solution. Here's your solution.

They're not telling you there's a shooting or two in Cuba every night. Cuba's not getting— there's no power, there's no electricity, they have roaring recalls, and that was yesterday.

Earthquake, yeah, biggest one in 150 years.

So they're just fucked They're doing everything they can.

Say that again, Jamie. This was the biggest one in over 150 years.

Oh my God. Yeah, so everything is looking like right now that's it. They can survive this. Fuck.

So, so what happens to those people? They just wait this out where the United States and— well, you absolutely get no resources, no supplies.

You got two things in Cuba. You have people that don't know. You never watch that 30 for 30 with El Duque when they won the championship and they said people in New York were throwing toilet paper and the wife was grabbing it, saying in Cuba, this is gold. Why are you throwing away toilet paper? We have no toilet paper in Cuba. That's the mentality. So 50% of those people have been brainwashed to the— where they, you know, every day there's a bullhorn, buenos días patriotas, you know, when the communists, whatever they call each other.

Yeah, comrades.

We're winning the war, we're getting close. You know, what do you mean I'm getting closer? I'm down to 118. I was walking around at 117. 70. Are we getting closer to a victory? So they're getting sick of that shit. They say the bugs that land on you at night are fucking just atrocious. These, but you know, they have real fucking bugs on that island. Not to mention they all have syphilis. Cubans have syphilis. I think half my fungi toenail is syphilis because it smells like it, you know what I'm saying? But on the, on the fucking not jokey thing Cuba's got 2 weeks left, 2 weeks from today.

And so you think they're gonna invade?

Yeah, they're gonna invade, take Maduro— take Raul out, and then what do you got?

They're gonna install some new—

I remember a couple months ago there was a shooting in Cuba of a boat. You remember that, right? Right, Jamie? Some people out there fishing and the Cuban Navy shot them. What, like 3 months ago? Oh yeah, this is—

they shot shoot?

I don't know, they were investigating it.

Cuba hands out weapons to citizens and tell them prepare for an invasion. Holy fuck, holy fuck. That's June 7th, that's yesterday, Sunday.

So yeah, we're 2 weeks away, bro.

Distributing weapons to citizens in fear of a US invasion. They reportedly started handing out weapons to civilians as the government urges population to prepare for a potential US invasion. Reports from South American publication version final stated, against the backdrop of the deployment of American military power near the island, the government of Havana began distributing weapons to citizens, officially urging them to prepare for an imminent foreign invasion. What if the citizens use that weapon to take over the country?

Which they should do. That's what they fucking should do. Just call the fucking coup.

Risk— start handing out guns to people. Like I said, man, all of a sudden your population is armed and you're telling them what to do. And they don't have any money, and you don't have any money either.

Look, man, when I started doing okay, I contacted my sister. I offered her a free ticket out of Cuba, money, whatever I got. Half is yours. You're my blood, you know, right? I don't know if I could do that. Okay, why don't we do this? Why don't I fly you to Jersey? You go to your mother's grave, you go see where her house was, her way of life, and then I'll take you back. She told me I can never do that because I'm married to one of Fidel's guys. I don't even want to go to the United States.

Oh geez.

So she was so brainwashed. And after that, she was still my sister, but I couldn't help her.

Well, you're used to what you're used to.

Yeah.

And that's what it was. Taking a big chance of coming to America and not knowing where you're going to eat and how you're going to live and where you're going to get money. Are you going to work?

They got programs for all those people. They got churches. Cuban people have churches. They're Catholics.

Is there also a thing where you— if you leave Cuba, I think there's— it's a cleaner path to get to become a United States citizen, right? You're fleeing.

Yes, it's easier. I think so. Yeah, something like that.

If you're fleeing from a dictatorship, for a communist dictatorship, fuck, dude, it's just like, what are they gonna do about that?

And then you got to We're talking about Vegas. What's gonna happen in Vegas if Cuba reopens?

What do you mean?

They're gonna put gambling back there. You know the Americans are gonna put gambling back there. They're in negotiations already with Habers. Already they're talking.

Turn into a resort, a location.

They're not gonna rip down the architecture, that original architecture, what makes Cuba and the cars and shit, but also some something else. But, and I know America knows this, this. Those oceans are booby-trapped up to a mile out of Cuba. There's a ton of shit that they have booby-trapped— mines, all that shit. They've planted those during the Bay of Pigs invasion.

Look at this, 1957. 1957, back when the mob ran it.

Look at everybody dressed impeccably. They would go there, flip-flops, no nothing.

They loved it back then. They loved going to Cuba. People would go there, live it up.

And sex was free and cheap, and you could fuck a chicken those days. You get fucked in the ass by a guy with a big dick. Amazing, dog. It was unreal. That's why the whole point of Kennedy and all that was for them to get Cuba back. The Italians, they were making too much money out of Cuba, and now they want to start to put drugs in there and shit. Towards when they took it down, Cuba's been fucking riddled with bullshit for years. Every bad luck that they have, they created in the '50s and '40s because it was a sex heaven. Americans would go down there on a Friday and not come back. And you know, it was whatever it costs here, $8,000 will cost you $80 to get your dick sucked for 3 days and fed, people rubbing your feet and shit.

Castro Revolution had a major effect on Las Vegas. Look at that: closure of Havana casinos spurred exodus to the desert.

Wow.

Frank Mir's vlog. Especially people in the Who?

Frank Mir's father.

What do you mean Frank Mir's father?

Frank Mir's father was a casino, so that's how he ended up in Vegas. Oh, oh, I thought you said his name is Miranda.

Connected to—

no, so Frank Mir's father was a casino dealer in Cuba. Oh, when Cuba closed down, he went right to Vegas. So a lot of those people went right to Vegas. Wow, really interesting shit.

That is interesting. It makes sense because that— those are the two places, and if you're on the East Coast, the trip to Cuba is easy.

It was 30 minutes.

It's like going to Florida.

30 minutes. It was what you and your wife would do on a weekend. What do we do?

How far is the flight from New York City to, uh, New York City to Florida? It's what, an hour?

3.

3 hours?

Yeah, because Trump is down there now, so they go a different way now. No, you can't go straight to Fort Lauderdale or Miami. You got to go outside that range if he's in—

What did it used to be? 2. 2. Used to be 2 hours. So New York City to Cuba is only an extra half hour then.

That's That's it.

So like less than 3 hours.

3 hours you'll be on the island.

So it's basically the same as Vegas then.

Yeah.

It's the middle.

The middle.

But you have the— you're on an island, it's a resort.

Nobody knows what's going on.

It's beautiful.

You know, I told you that my mother would tell me how all those Hollywood stars would hide in Cuba, especially Rock Hudson. They would go— that's where they would suck dick on the weekends.

Oh, Rock Hudson, that makes sense.

So all those Hollywood people would go to Cuba Cuba, locked themselves in. There was no TMZ, there was no press, right? You know, these people in Cuba don't have a new— you know, how are they going to get the pay?

And everything's run by the mob. Yeah, it's like just all sin and vice.

Whenever you got a minute, you run— you read that, Havana Nocturne. That book, what is it called? It's Havana Nocturne. It's a revolution from 3 different places: Union City, New Jersey, New York City, and Miami. And how— oh no, no, not my New York City, Tampa. Tampa, and how those three cities were like involved in that whole—

What do you think is going to happen to Cuba if you had a guess?

If I had a guess, come on, I'm already seeing dollar signs. If you're a casino right now, with how bad casinos are doing here, you're looking at that right there.

You're looking— Nocturne, how the mob owned Cuba and then lost it to the revolution.

Yeah, excellent book. Excellent.

And so that was Kennedy trying to get rid of the mob? That's why they helped Fidel?

When the mob put— listen, Kennedy's father went to Chicago and he talked to those people. They had the pull. If you live in Chicago or where else, you win the primary. I don't know how it works, Joe. I'm not a political guy.

Well, they definitely helped Kennedy get into office.

They helped Kennedy get into office.

But then when he got into office, he didn't help get Fidel back.

Then the brother double-timed them, and then they started shooting. And I don't know who shot Kennedy. I'm just saying this.

Well, the mob definitely didn't like him. They were very upset.

They cut into their pocket.

And he helped— the mob helped him get into office in the first place, right? And then once he got in, they started prosecuting people.

And like, hey, then he fucked them with the Bay of Pigs when he pulled off air support.

So he didn't know that they were gonna do this, and then when they told him about it it, he denied air support, and air support was critical to the success of the mission. Absolutely. And, uh, Operation Mongoose, Robert Kennedy spearheaded his secret government project to topple the Cuban communist regime, working parallel to the CIA's mob-assisted efforts. Um, but this is after the revolution, right? This was when Fidel was running Cuba, right?

Right. They were trying everything they do to kill fucking Fidel. They were doing everything.

This is after— so what spurred the Cuban takeover of— of the military's taking over of Cuba? Mob bosses like Sam Giancana and Santo Trafficante recruited to help eliminate Castro using methods like poison pills. Mafia wanted Castro gone so they could reopen their multi-million dollar Cuban operations.

Wow. Wow, big money, untraceable.

I can imagine. Untraceable.

Nothing, no nothing.

And you're over there living the life.

Nobody knows nothing. Maya Lansky eating fucking Cuban food every day.

They probably had it all set up. It was nice.

And then the rest— kosher Cuban food every day, fucking Maya Lansky.

So what did the people think? The people think that these mob motherfuckers, they've taken over our country, let's, let's let Castro Castro come in and we'll be socialists and everything will be great? Or did they just get taken over?

They got taken over. What happened was Castro went in there. Batista was horrible. Batista was fucking no better than Castro. So when Castro took over, it was to take over Batista and make Cuba pop-pop-pop, but in the conglomeration, he became a communist somewhere along the line. And then when he took over Cuba, that's when he shut the casinos down. That. He destroyed the fucking casinos, you know. And then the Italians got mad, they all came back, and then they were just— they thought it was going to be temporary. Like, this won't be temporary, we'll clean over this. So for years, Italians were just watching the news waiting for somebody to kill fucking Castro. It was the Italians.

And then when they thought that the United States was going to go in there and invade, like Oh good, we're all set.

I wish there was more film from those days so people could see. Like, my mother explained things to me. I wish she was still alive because I could have— like, she said that Italian food was different in Cuba. She goes, first of all, the pizzas had lobster on them and shrimp already back then in the '50s. They were making— because she didn't like the pizza in the United States. She goes, not the same. They put fresh shrimp from the fucking ocean, right? Lobster, fucking all these other They got these pies now in New York. I'm scared to try them. I can't. They put calamari on the pizza. How fat can you get? How fucking fat do you want to be? You go to these pizza places in Jersey, dog, it's like ziti, a pound of ziti on a slice of pizza.

There's pizza places in Jersey that are just going off. And the sandwich places in Jersey—

oh, your boy, your boy's going off.

No, look, oh, Giovanni, but that's, that's white Plains. That's phenomenal. I've been doing a little— nothing like Italian delis on the East Coast.

There's nothing like that smell, like that cheese when you walk in, and the fucking olives and shit.

Oh, it's insane.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. There's too much pizza. Like, it's just too much. You know what's funny? When I moved there, I'm like, I'm scared to gain weight, the pizza. I eat one slice a week, maybe, maybe, since I had the knee surgery. I've been doing the podcast at the house, so I've been ordering pizza from this one place and my buddies go crazy. That's the best pizza we've ever had. Thin, sweet red sauce, extra cheese. You burn it, it's fucking thin. Oh my God, and the sweet red sauce.

God, they know how to make pizza on the East Coast. And they try out here, they do a pretty good job out here. It's just not—

it's missing something.

They don't— as the sandwiches, there's some good Italian sandwiches out here. They're pretty good, but they can't fuck with like Giovanni's place.

Oh, Giovanni sent me two shipments that were—

he's the best.

I had to give half of it away.

I'm like, you know, he sends you so much fucking salamis and fucking dried— oh, the cheese is incredible, right?

Oh, and the cookies. Oh yeah, fucking cookies. Fuck you up, bro. Yeah, you know, and that's everywhere.

Like, I just stopped fucking around like Well, when I go to the East Coast, I just assume it's terrible.

Oh, I gotta take you to this place.

Which place? You took me to El Nido.

That was phenomenal. El Nido now is Covo Steakhouse. Whatever.

It's a steakhouse now?

Yeah. Is it great? They fucked me up a couple weeks ago. I went in there 5 to 9. I've been there 3 weeks in a row with big party, and then my wife once, and then a friend once. I go in there when they have 5 to 9, like, let me get a 14-ounce with a fucking beer, and they're like, like, we're closed. Ain't nobody in here. You can't make another steak? No, we're closed. It's not even 9. No reason to go back.

That's a bummer.

You just—

I was— that's people want to go home.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. It's a steak. You guys are— there's nobody in here, right? The bar is cute in there. Nobody's ever in there. They got a male bartender. They got a blonde with big tits. You see this place packed the fuck up. You got a little Spanish guy that's a great guy. But yeah, but I go to this place now. They had on the special 3 weeks ago— you ready? Stuffed shells with lobster meat and a cod inside. He gives you 5 of them in a tray. Oh, ciao!

What's this place called?

Osteria.

Where's it at? Marlboro.

This is my spot. Yeah, I go there because the dude will do whatever I ask him to do. Do. Like, he has a menu, but then he'll go, Joe, have you tasted my Italian fried rice? You're like, what are you talking about, Italian fried rice? And he makes risotto with lobster and shrimp, a fried rice. So he's going to add it. He's got a new restaurant opening, so he lets me sample everything. He makes a cheesesteak to die for with the bread with the seeds on it. Oh yeah, the semolina bread. Yeah.

Oh my God, Osteria, there it is. Oh, that looks good. Yeah, there's nothing like East Coast Italian food. Nothing even compares.

No, Steve and Angelo in there, bro, they don't fuck around.

All right, let's wrap this bitch up, bro.

Thank you for having me. My pleasure. I love you. When are you leaving town? Thursday. I'm around all week. All right, all right. But I'm Atlantic City, 7th and 8th, at Ocean's Casino. White people casino.

July 7th and 8th.

No, August.

August 7th and 8th.

Okay. Chicago got announced November 5th.

Uh, what's the website for people to go to find out details?

I got no fucking— you know the website? Joey Diaz dot com.

Is that real?

I don't know anymore.

All right, well, they'll find you. They'll find you. So one more time, where's the casino?

Uh, Ocean's Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, the 7th and 8th. Tremendous.

Beautiful.

All right, I think the governor's coming.

Coming.

The governor? Yeah, Mikey Sherrill. I don't even like her, but I do like Mikey Sherrill. I do like Mikey Sherrill because she's a Democrat. You're not supposed to like it, but it was funny. I went to a restaurant, some guy's like, hey man, life would have been so much better with Jack Ciudarella. I go, I know, but he lost by 400,000 fucking votes. He tried to— a Republican in Jersey, that's never gonna fucking work. They've been Democrats since Jesus showed up. So 400,000 votes, bro, that's a lot. I'd be in my house with the windows fucking like Sonny Black and Donnie Brasco with the windows the shades drawn for a year. $400,000.

Fuck, see that podcast I did with Joe Pistone?

Yes, very good. He was very good. He was amazing. He's a good dude too. He's a good, really fucking savage.

What a crazy life. The real Donnie Brasco. I mean, he really fucking lived like that.

And he infiltrated the Bonannos. Yeah, deep. They never recovered from them.

They even loved him after he fucking came out and they found out he was a cop. They're like, oh, you were better than me. Me. That's like one of the guys said that to him. Hey, you, you won.

You beat me. Wow.

Nuts.

All right. I love you, brother.

I love you too.

Thank you very much, man.

We're gonna have fun tonight.

All right.

Bye, everybody.