Transcript of Episode #92 Featuring Tania Khazaal! The Harsh Realities of the ever changing world we live in! Relationships, Estrangement, Healing, Faith, Accountability, Resilience and more!

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So drastic change. But it's great to see you. I'm thankful that you came down here to see me. And we're going to get into some things that I haven't discussed a ton on the show, which I really want to do. I love to dig into different concepts, and I know we're going to be able to go a lot of places maybe you don't normally go. Okay. And we're going to have some fun. And I like to let people see more of my guests. I want to show the versatility. I want to show that you're multifaceted in your knowledge base, and so that's what we're going to do today. We're going to showcase what you got. So my guest today is a family reconnection and emotional healing expert. She works with parents navigating estrangement from their adult children. And she has gone through a little bit of transformation here, but I think that what she's doing now ties into more of who she is. And we're going to really spotlight and showcase everything that she does. We're going to talk about emotional strength, resilience, all kinds of everything. So my friends, Tanya Cazal.

Thank you for that. I'm super excited to be here as well.

Well, thank you again, because I know those trips are long and they're not easy. And I am always appreciative of people taking the time to come and talk to me. It makes me feel special.

The weather change is nice, too.

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure it is. We were talking off camera about how I despise the snow and the cold. So it'll be a nice change for you to enjoy your sun.

100%.

What is your primary focus and your main concern or things that you really work on the most?

The number one thing is really helping parents navigate estrangement, understanding the child's perspective, learning how to communicate, how to better approach it. But I also speak to the child as well, where it's like, I understand the pain that you went through in order to cut off your parent, and you know that you were misunderstood. You didn't have your emotional needs met and everything and what led you to cutting them off in the name of protecting your peace. I really try to challenge that by saying, Is that really protecting your peace or is that more protecting your pain? I do a little bit of a polarized topic in a sense of I'm helping the parents understand and speak the child's language, but also not to victimize yourself. Not the child should not be in the victim and the parents should not be in the victim mode, and then reconnecting them that way.

We're looking at children, but what do you find to be the most common age of this happening? Because we're children forever, right? We're something child forever. So what age brackets do you work with the most, and what's most common that you see us?

That's a good question. So what's interesting is right now, the adult children that are cutting off the most, where the parents that I'm working with are millennials. So yes, of course, it's going into the younger and younger generations, but it primarily started with the millennials. And obviously, I have many reasons why I think that is the case, but it's my generation, which is why I also did the exact same thing and cut off my mom in the name of healing. And it's because we're all of this language of Zen and consciousness and emotional language that we were never taught before.

Just for people, if they don't know these terms, what age bracket is millennial?

I don't know exactly. I'm 37, so I would typically say anywhere between 35, 45, 50, really.

You're thinking that a lot of that reasoning is because of the different types of behaviors that we're learning, verbiages that we're learning, or methods of coping? Because I feel like, and you correct me if I'm wrong, I feel like a lot of people in my mom's age bracket are in that 60, 70, 80. Obviously, when you get older, you're set on your ways. I think we know that. But I always get this sense of more negativity, this more negative outlook on things.

I think it's more survival outlook. That's the thing that I've noticed is my parents are the exact same way. My mom is peak. She's 60 years old. She's very what people would call toxic and narcissistic and all these things is because they are more negative, but it's because they're so used to survival that they almost don't see how wonderful the world can be. And that's the lens that they grew up with, and that's the lens that they got used to. So for us to come in, and I feel like We're more the positivity. We're trying to change, break the cycles, that stuff. And so we now, because we learn this emotional language, to us, it seems so basic that we expect our parents to also be on that same learning curve as us, which is unrealistic. So now we're putting these expectations on the people who raised us because they don't think the same way, because they're negative, because they're triggering me. So I have to distance myself in order to not have it affect my positivity, when in reality, if you truly do the emotional healing work, someone else's negative behavior doesn't actually affect you.

That's one of the things that I can't stand is when people get triggered and bothered so easily. And it's like, I'm thankful for many things that I wasn't appreciative before with my parents, the way that they raised me, because I have discipline, I have accountability, I have toughness. Yes. Yeah, some of the stuff stuck at the time. But had I not had that, I wouldn't have a lot of the different characteristics that I have that I appreciate now. Now, could it have been conveyed differently? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you don't get tough that way. I don't know. Do you feel like society-wise, it's caused everybody to be more like- Frejile? Yeah. Absolutely.

A hundred %. I I can say, Dylan, I can go back and say, I think between the new therapy language, trauma triggers, boundaries, all of that is feeding into it. And what regular childhood hardships were have now turned into everything is trauma. It's like, no, it's regular childhood hardships. Your parents did not have the language, the capacity, everything that we have at our fingertips now. That's the problem. Everything is trauma now. You go into a therapy room and they're uncovering all of your traumas. They've got so many different... They've got PTSD. They got this. Trauma comes in, I don't even know, 57 different terms, if not more at this point. What happens when you do that is now you're labeling your hardships. When you label your hardships, you're victimizing yourself. Not only victimizing yourself, You're saying, who is the villain in my story that caused this to me? So then you're stuck there. You're literally stuck in that place. And that's where I think therapy is great at uncovering those childhood wounds, terrible at getting you out of it once they've uncovered it.

And that's just it. I have this just terrible, I don't want to use the word hatred, but I have a disdain for a lack of accountability. I feel like that everybody's looking to put it on something else or blame it on something else. I'm not saying to blame your sofa everything because that's going too far. That's what people do. They go to extremes. But most people don't just sit and look in the mirror and ask themselves. Because when you have to look directly in the mirror at yourself, can you really... If you're that good of a liar, you can lie to yourself, and I don't know really what to do with you.

Yeah, you're right, because there's a difference between personal accountability. I typically say, if you look in the mirror, it's going to be one of two people. One, you love who you see in the mirror. If that's the case, cool. Thank everybody in your life who got you here, including the parents that weren't so great. Two, if you don't love the person in front of you, cool. That's for you to change, nobody else. A lot of people, I think the reason why they're scared of personal accountability is because they start to think, Could I be a bad person? Am I a bad person? But just because you have areas of opportunity to grow and doesn't you a bad person, it just means that there are some things that you're not great at, and it's okay to improve. People need to be able to have that conversation. How am I contributing to this situation, and what do I need to do different? Instead of saying, Why did they do this to me, which is very victim mentality, it's like, No, what do I have control over? That's, I think, why we have such a fragile society, because people are playing the blame game instead of looking at themselves and saying, Pardon, my friend, shit, I got to do something different because I'm contributing to this.

Everybody just wants to blame something else. Oh, it's because of my race, or, Oh, it's because the cards I was dealt, or, Oh, my parents didn't have money, or, Oh, this or, Oh, that. When does it end and when does it stop? Otherwise, what you do is you wake up and you're 60 years old and you realize that you didn't do shit.

It becomes excuses to your own failures. Yes. The things that you fail to show up on, you have to excuse it by blaming somebody else because it's a hard pill to swallow to say, I didn't make very good choices, and this is really shitting. It's my fault.

I became really good at looking in the mirror and saying, Dude, you better do something right now. It took me to go into prison. That's what it took for me. Then I was able to be accountable for everything that I did. I don't recommend doing that to anybody.

Dylan, I have my fair share of stories, too, so I get it. I grew up in community housing.

So then you understand. When you get good at that, you get better at life. You don't get perfect. I suck at so many things. I can admit it. I have no problem admitting it, but it makes me work at it the next day. It forces me to. I think the people, they either set ridiculous standards for themselves that they can't have or they become fragile, like you said. Do you feel like that fragility is one of the things that causes so many separations of parent to child?

In all relationships, even divorce and everything, right? I want to go back to your story on the prison because it's really interesting. I don't often talk about this, but I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and was charged with something that was technically not my fault. It literally was not my fault. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. But it's a perfect example of in those moments, you really do realize that the blame game is going to get me nowhere. I have to do something. I've got so much. I have to do something for myself. What am I going to do? Because they don't give a crap. Who I blame, I'm here This is the scenario. Sometimes you're thrown into these hard situations that you should never be in, but you have a choice at that point. It's like, I find that when that can perspective change happens, you're like, I'm never going to put my fate in anybody else's hands. No. Ever. When you talk about the fragility, 100%. That's, I think, what's happening is people don't know how to... First, the parents over-cottle, over-give, don't say no to their kids, do all of that.

There's no blame on the parent because they thought they're trying to save them from the hardships that they went through. But then that creates a child who doesn't know that real world is freaking hard. It's not easy. You're going to go through stuff. You have to learn how to communicate better. You're going to have things that are going trigger you every single day. If you want to protect your peace, get so solid in who you are so that things no longer trigger you. That's as simple as that because full peace doesn't exist. Let's be honest. It's who you are on the inside. It's being so grounded. People don't have that capacity. People haven't gone through hardships to build the capacity to say, My God, I was in the valley of despair in that darkness for so long, and I came out on top, and I'm so strong, and nothing's going to pull me down, and no one's going to pull me down. People are afraid of that valley of despair. I know. They run out of it, and then they go back to their little shiny object in relationships and everything. I think that is why relationships are falling apart.

Parent to child, marriages, everything is because people don't want to do the work, and they're blaming. I'm blaming my husband for his behavior. I'm blaming my wife for their behavior. I'm blaming my child, I'm blaming my parents because they don't want to recognize that. Maybe you can approach the situation differently, change your perspective, learn a different way of communication, which is a big thing that I talk about. That all has a direct correlation with the health of your relationships.

See, and they're in one of the as you just said, was communication, and therein lies the problem. Nobody knows how to communicate anymore. Everybody wants to either text or talk shit behind a keyboard or anything else under the sun. You can buy a house through text message, literally. I refuse to operate that way. I make everybody get on the phone with me. I make everybody talk to me. At the minimum, voice note me. You're going to talk. You're absolutely going to talk. That's why I feel like that's one of the many contributing factors to like, lower testosterone levels, lower self-esteem in men because they don't even know how to talk to girls.

You're right, because you've got social media, you've got the internet that's taking over and everything's having a fast pace. But the lack of communication is 100% the issue. People are afraid of confrontation. They're afraid of healthy debate. It's now turned into if there's a heated conversation, it's not healthy, I need to leave. But it's like, no, this is where you learn the skill set and the resilience to be able to go through that. If you were to talk to any married couple, let's just say, 45 years, they're going to say, Communication was the thing that got us through, and learning how to bite my tongue, learning how to listen. Communication is also listening. There's none of that happens because in a fast-paced world that's all online, people now turn into these keyboard warriors.

Oh, yeah.

They lack that basic communication, which is so important for any, even for yourself. Because you talk about health and wellness. Think about the suppression of expression. The inability to express yourself, which is a form of communication, is the leading cause of autoimmune in women, in sickness. It's all proof that you need to be able to express yourself, learn how to better express yourself, learn how to better communicate in order to have healthier relationships, healthier body, healthier mind, everything.

You ask my wife this question, every single business call I've ever been on. Every single thing that requires me to give my set of standards to somebody, I list two things at the very beginning. Number one, every rip is communication, and number two is trust. Every single thing in my life, if I can't have both of those things, I can't be involved in.

I believe it because the first time we chatted, we have to get on a call together, let's communicate.

Yeah. Anything you do without communication lacks preparation, it lacks care, and it lacks your ability to actually give your all into what you're doing.

It lacks connection.

Exactly.

It lacks connection if there's no real communication.

If you walk in here and we never talk before, I don't know you from anything other than what I saw online, I could have a total misconception of you and vice versa, and I don't know shit about you. Only what I read and saw.

Which is interesting because What is it? 97% of communication is nonverbal? Yeah, I know. If you're lacking that human connection, and even on video, it works fine, but it's the tone. You could say the same thing in different tones in different ways, and it's interpreted and meant in very different ways. When I see children, children really suppress towards their parents because obviously it's like, I don't want to disrespect. I don't know how to stand up to my authority. They still operate from that childlike perspective versus I need to develop myself into to a matriarch of my world, essentially. Now I've gotten to a point where I would like to say that I feel like with my mother, because she is still the wounded child and she didn't emotionally heal the way that I did, I feel like I mother her sometimes. That's okay. That dynamic might change sometimes. But a lot of people are still so stuck that I want to be the victim. I want to be that wounded child and refuse to come out and say, Hold on, maybe my parents never had the capacity and probably will never have the capacity to get to the level of understanding that I have.

It's not for you to wait for someone else to change in order for you to get better.

There's a level of respect that you need to have when you go into any discussion with your parents, but you also need to understand how to convey the message properly to where you're getting across to them without being disrespectful. I feel like you should never be disrespectful to them, and you need to learn how to communicate it properly. The problem is, is some that I've seen, and in my own personal, is they're not as responsive. When I was a kid, I thought everything Everything they said was right.

Right, of course.

I realized now as I get older, that's not the case, but they still sometimes think that.

Act that way? Yeah. But that's okay. I think the issue is people expect, for example, boundaries. My dad, I mean, anyone who knows me, I'm super healthy in the way I live. My dad will, I'll tell him, Don't give my son sugar when you pick him up from school. I'll get you a healthy one. He's like, Lava, I'm going to pick him I'm going to buy it. This is that. You know how many people I know that he's not respecting my boundaries. I don't give my kids sugar. Okay, you're right. I don't either. But it's a grandfather to his grandkid, and in his brain, they never grew up with how bad sugar is. Don't give them that. It's not processed the way it was for us. My dad's 73 years old. I just said, It's fine. I'd rather him have that connection. Am I going to sit here and fight with him over it? The reality is my dad, in his mind, still thinks it's okay. I'm right. What's wrong with sugar? He's fine. You guys grew up to sugar. It's okay. You have to pick your battles. It's just not worth it. I think that the problem is people expect everybody to adopt their entire perspective.

If not, it's considered disrespectful. And by the way, I love how you mentioned the whole respecting your adults, because I was emailed something a couple of weeks ago that now in school, counselors have been introduced to this new term called adultism. That means that this is for the adults who disrespect or almost speak down to kids as if they don't know as as the adult does. And I was like, Whatever happened to wisdom? Where you go to someone older, a grandparent, and you're learning from their stories, and they've got different wisdom that we don't have. They're literally creating labels of everything.

But we're arguing about stuff that's hurting your feelings.

It's thank you.

Thank you. We're literally causing people to kill each other.

Over hurt feeling. Over hurt feeling. Versus saying, toughen up, suck it up, get over it.

Listen, I'm not saying, Don't ever be emotional. Don't ever cry. That is completely nonsense to never have those emotions. They're important. But this stuff, I mean, this is just far past. Yeah.

I think it's important that you said that, though, because emotional reactions are important in a sense of crying, feeling. The problem is people don't want to feel anymore, Dylan. They're so afraid to feel these strong emotions as if something is wrong with them, so they numb it out, and they distance themselves from anything that's overwhelmingly emotional when it's like, that's actually very healthy. You're a human. You're meant to feel these things. Yeah.

You could literally say 99. 999% of the things to me, and I wouldn't give a shit one way or another. Could you know who you are? Yeah, and I just don't care. Because if you wake up in the morning and something somebody said about you bothers you, I question where your mental capacity is and what's important to you.

What do you doubt about yourself? That someone else's opinion is affecting you that much? That's a you problem. Go work on your confidence. Go work on your self-worth, whatever it is. That's a you problem. It's not about how anybody makes you feel. Yes.

Unfortunately, there's people that are just, they're just shitty. You know what I mean? And so let them go be that way and be unhealthy and miserable by themselves. That's the way I look at it.

And I think what's happening, though, is society saying, well, then I don't want to be around those people. But the reality is People are just projecting their pain. People are projecting their pain. And it's okay to be around people, especially family, that's still dealing with their wounds. And you just worry about yourself getting to a point of saying, Their behavior is actually not personal. Everything's a personal attack now. Their behavior is not personal. It's just a reflection of the pain that they haven't processed yet. I'm okay, and I'm going to be here with them, and maybe I can actually even lead by example.

Yeah. I mean, these people need help, clearly. When I say need help, I'm not insulting their mental health. I'm just saying they need help. They need positivity. They need love. They need something that they're lacking. You can always try. People that... I don't even respond when people leave negative comments. They really don't as much as used to to me because I was more in the bodybuilding world and it was heavily toxic. But I got to the point where I'd go, Well, I'm really sorry you feel that way, but thanks for stopping because it's helping to build my channel. Have a wonderful day.

You know how many people would apologize to me and say, Wow, you know what?

I'm sorry. I didn't look at it, or I didn't mean it that way, or whatever. If they don't, they don't. But don't feed the fire. Who cares?

That's it. Because as soon as you're fighting it, it's like, I'm taking it as a personal attack, versus obviously, they triggered or activated by something because of their own insecurities.

So do you deal with a lot of children that are estranged from their parents? When I say children, I mean, I don't know, 12 and under, 10 and under. Is it more so like our age?

I see teenagers a lot, for sure. I definitely see a lot of teenagers because they're on social media so young, and they're learning this language at such a fast rate, where you triggered me. It's like your mom yelled, and she's triggering you. Get over it. This is the problem. So I Definitely am seeing it younger and younger, especially in parental alienation, where there's a divorce, where one parent is churning a child against the other parent, and now that child is building this image towards the parent. It happens so much. I talk about that often, too, where it's like, the parents, do you recognize how damaging that is? Because what happens is a child is learning to actually stop loving a part of themselves because they don't understand how this parent must not be good, but yet they're a part of me, and they're not at the point where they've actually gone through identity formation. So they're more confused than ever, and it's so damaging for a parent. Obviously, if abuse is there or there's something that's safety is a concern, I understand that. But most often than not, that's not the case. It's just I want revenge or there's a personal thing going on, so I want to make sure that they see how bad of a person he is because I see it.

That's when I typically see the teenager is really getting involved and starting to cut off or as soon as I'm 18, I'm going to move out and never talk to you again.

Do you find a lot of regret when you're talking to both sides, I guess, really? But I'm curious as to I understand every scenario is different. I get that. There's a pattern. Yeah. I was going to say, what's the pattern?

So with the parents, the biggest thing that I have seen is parents are like, I made those mistakes with my kid, and now I could see how it pushed them into the way they are. For example, the number one thing is parents don't realize, and actually this is for any relationship, if someone is upset about something, your child is trying to talk to you, your wife is trying to talk to you, husband, and they're upset about something, we often automatically go into defense mode. I want to justify myself so that you can see that I didn't intentionally try to hurt you. But what the receiving person hears is, My excuse is bigger than your pain. And so they start to shut off and almost like, no, you're not getting it. This is about my pain. And the other person is still trying to keep justifying, justifying. So now this person is shutting down because what's the point? They just came from defend it, and they're not even seeing that I'm actually hurt by this. So I've taught parents to say, there's no justifying. In any relationship, all you have to say is, I'm sorry I made you feel that way.

Can you tell me more about your perspective and how you interpreted it? Because now they're not on defense. They're not expecting that. They feel heard, and they're more likely to open up. You're more likely to see it from their perspective. Then once they feel safer in that conversation, you could say, I can totally see how you took it that way. Can I share about how I meant it just so we can have that conversation? Because now their guard is not down anymore. Their guard is down. It's not up anymore. That opens up a healthier conversation. That alone has completely changed so many parents' perspective and in any relationship. Then from the child's perspective, I've received a lot of messages from adult children. I received both of them, obviously, the hateful and polarized conversations like, You're victim-shaming, and all of that. But then there's the other ones that are like, I never saw my parents from that perspective, and you helped me grow a different compassion for them and no longer hold them to this unrealistic standard. If people could learn learn better communication skills, it was actually a big part of what I teach is marriages would be saved like you wouldn't believe.

Relationships. I learned this all because in the health space, the amount of emotional healing that was lacking from people's lives, no one teaches this. No one teaches you how to communicate better. Yes, you could take a class in university, but who else is teaching how to express yourself better, how to listen better, how to say things better? It doesn't exist, which is why I took it upon myself, because I had to learn that, Dylan. I was that person growing up that was told, You're so aggressive. Why do you talk so aggressively? And stuff like that. It was a form of protection. But eventually, I had to look at myself in the mirror and being like, Okay, if this many people are saying it to you, there's obviously some truth there, as much as you don't want to admit it. I went down the rabbit hole of trying to learn better communication, how to express myself. I think that's what improved all of my relationship, is my ability to sit there and say, Sorry, I made you feel that way. Even when a part of me is just like, No, I want to defend. It doesn't matter.

It's not about you. The basic thing is walk into a conversation and say, What is my intent behind this conversation? Is my intent to be right? Is my intent to just be heard? Or is my intent to say, I actually genuinely want to feel closer to the other person and walk away where we both feel good? Because that changes your approach completely. Yeah.

You know what I think would be helpful and would have been helpful to all of us is when we have a fear, the only way to overcome it is to just make yourself dry or do it. Swimming, like when you're a kid, I was terrified to go underwater. Then you did it and you're like, Oh, this is no big deal. I remember getting my teeth cold out. I was like, Oh, my gosh, this is going to hurt so bad. Then my dad would do it so fast, and I'd be like, You know. But I'm correlating this to speaking, talking in front of people. I know not everybody's going to be a public speaker. I know not everybody's going to give up and be an orator. But practice Practicing it, doing it, getting up and talking in front of the classmates or doing stuff, as you practice it, you get used to it. It becomes less of a problem.

Build the muscle.

Yes. Then it becomes not a big deal. Somebody laughs at you. You realize it's over pretty damn quick. You know what I mean? These things. But you have to teach somebody to do it. If you just never do it, then you create this fear, and then you hide. Then the things that have been put out there, you realize, well, I can just type this, and I don't talk to anybody.

Because where does growth happen?

Practice.

Out of your comfort zone. Yeah.

You have to do things that you just don't want to do.

You don't. Where you feel that gut feeling in your stomach that I'm going to puke, I want to run, I want to fight or flight, and I want to run away from it. Cool. Do it. Build the muscle. Because the moment you do that, your nervous system is like, I didn't die. It wasn't going to kill me, which is primal human instincts and survival skills. But the growth really does happen outside of the comfort zone. I wish more people understood that because it's like, if it scares you, cool, do it. If you're going to walk into a conversation, you feel like you're going to puke or pass out, good, have the conversation.

Right. A lot of times, I will say, if there's something that is difficult for me to do, I'm not good at building, putting shit together for example. But I'll go, Man, no one so did it or so and so did this. Can't be that hard. You know what I mean? I'm not trying to be a jerk. And then I'll think, Well, if no one's ever done it, why can't I be the first one to do it?

I think that a big reason for a lot of that is there's was conditioning in our upbringing, including in school, where you are taught, Oh, I'm not good at math. I'm not very good at art. I'm not very good at gym. From a young age, you're telling yourself that this is my strong skills, this is my weaker skills. I actually read a book. I can't remember the book for the life of me. It was a math professor who said he now teaches across the countries how to learn math for people who are like, I'm terrible at math. He's like, No, you just never learned how to learn learn math the way your brain knows it. So that's all it is. You're right. You can do anything, but something along the way told yourself, for me, I'm not good at phys-ed. So I never was really into so much hard core fitness training or running and all of that. I'm sure if I really wanted to and tried, I can. But it's the same thing with any other subject, building stuff, all of that. There's something that was likely there at some point in your life where you thought that I'm not as good at it because different talents come more naturally to some people, and that's okay.

But you can still build the skillset for everything else that doesn't come naturally.

When I was in school, I said, I hate biology. I can't do it. I can't do it. I just can't do it. I don't want to do it. You know what? Right now, everything I study, everything I do, everything revolves around biology and chemistry. I find it to be the most fascinating thing in the world. I read it and I study it, and I am better at that than I was at anything else. You know what I mean?

You build a muscle for anything and everything. The same way you have to do it for your emotional healing, the way you have to do it for communication, everything. It's like people are lacking the want and the hunger for growth. I need to become a bigger, better, healthier, happier person, and I'm going to do whatever I got to do to take it. That hunger, I feel like, is lacking because you've got the dopamine rush of social media. You've got all of these distractions of this fast-paced world that they're not hungry for that growth. In that growth, You are more resilient, you're more patient, you practice more perseverance and compassion and understanding and everything.

The people that I tend to see that have the most disease, the most bad blood panels, the most arthritis or debilitating problems, like pains and things like that, inflammation, they all have these problems. They all have them. I swear to you, the angrier you are, the more negative you are, all of this, it all correlates into All we're doing is releasing so much cortisol into your body.

That's like, literally slow poison.

That's what I was going to ask you then. Do you find the people that have the most problems, that have the most stress that come to you and everything, they have to be worse off health-wise, too? Always.

Always. There's a correlations, especially where I speak to a lot of parents who are like, I don't have the energy. I'm sick. Why don't they understand that? They should talk to me. I'm sick. I'm dying. It is very same thing, still victim mindset, right? It's hard for them to pull themselves out of it. Then I see the child who's like, I'm going crazy. I don't want it. I grew up in the same household. My mom was sick growing up. It was very her sickness came over everything. Eventually, you learn to navigate and say, It's not going to change unless she wants to change. But it's okay. If it's negative around me, I could still be happy, and maybe I'm the light to her. But there's a great correlation with the lack of emotional processing and expression expression that is happening with the people who are sick. When I say emotional expression, I'm not just talking about the anger. I'm talking about they're probably angry and frustrated and all that because of the lack of emotional expression. They built it up, something that they had to swallow their pride, swallow their words, swallow whatever it was in order to keep the peace in their life or whatever it is.

That's now resulting in this surge of negative emotions that they're dealing with, which is creating more and more sickness, which is, I think, why we have more and more sicknesses than ever. Obviously, there's a lot of other factors that we can bring into the topic.

Yeah, but I think that the more mental and emotional healing that's needed is causing a lot more health crisis.

Well, yeah. I mean, look at if you see the rise of therapy, which for me, I correlate a lot with the victim mentality. Mental health is worse than ever. We have all of these new things that are supposed to help mental health, but yet every single person is suffering with mental health. Two out of five members of every family is in therapy right now. For years and years and years, it's become another escape where someone else has to help me with my own healing because I'm incapable of doing it myself.

I need therapy for all the people that think they need therapy because it drives me so fucking crazy.

Because it's externalizing. It's like, I have no control over my life. That's what we've gotten to where it's like, no, man, you have an incredible amount of control that can have you living the best life, even with the hardships. Because you go through tough shit and you build the mental capacity to say, That's okay. There's a lesson in this that I meant to go through that's going to help me get to exactly where I need to go through and get to. It's like you start actually being more open to the hardships that you're going to have because you know that it's going to teach you the skills and the strength that you need to to get to that next level. Most people don't get that. They're so afraid of it as if it's going to break them because they have become so emotionally fragile.

People are so fearful of the fear. It's the problem. There's this built-up fear, and we all have that, something that we're scared of or whatever. Until you can really stand up to it and make your weakness, your strength, or your fear, your toughness, which is what you have to do. I have found that Every single thing I've ever been scared of or I felt was my weakness, I have tried my damdest to make it my strength. I have.

What got you through the fear in those moments?

Just standing up to it. Just saying no.

And faith?

Yes. Well, faith is- That's what I'm saying.

People are lacking lacking faith. You lack it, fear takes over. In those fearful moments, what gets you through is an invisible power. That you're like, there's something bigger than me that is pulling the strings right now, and it's okay to surrender. People are so obsessed with that control and then lacking faith more than ever. They run by that. They're steered by it. They literally drive in that fear, and they make decisions from there.

I don't care what anybody says. Faith is the simple foundation, and it's simple. It's so easy. You just do.

Oh, I'm scared? Cool. I'm going to do it. I'm going to trust in God that I'm going to get through it.

It is literally the easiest thing to obtain, to have, because it's always invited, and it's always accepted, and he's just waiting.

What does faith teach you? Humility, compassion, understanding, perseverance, patience, all of these things that I find people just don't have as much anymore because faith is being pushed everywhere. Schools have pushed out faith, books, social. Even look on social media, Dylan. Most people are now like, the universe or God or whatever you believe in. They're scared to just say God. I'm only going to say God. There's no universe. There's a creation and a creator, and God created one of them. I feel like that for the younger and younger generations are like, and it's okay to question. I mean, it's natural for us when we're younger to question, wow, there's a God, there's a this. But when you have language that's so normalized on social media that starts to create that doubt and feed without a stronger language that's used to say, No, he's real and he's there because he's being pushed out of everywhere and the devil is running the Earth and everyone sees him and doesn't even recognize him anymore. He's just walking freely. That is 100% the foundation, the foundation of Why a relationship are breaking down? Why people don't feel like they want personal accountability?

Why? Because God holds you accountable. You have to show up. You're responsible for your own life. People let fear run them, anger run them, which is the devil's favorite emotion.

You know who I have the most conversations with every day? Yeah. Because I do it. Instead of turning music on in the car, no matter what I'm doing, anytime I have a free moment, you made me stop cold because you started rattling off a list of everything I pray for every day for myself, which was patience, humility, perseverance, and vigilance. These are incorporated. See my chills? Because I say it every day, seven days a week. These I pray, when I ask for stuff for myself, when I'm not for other people, it's for skill sets that I need to be successful in the way that we're all created to be successful. You brought up wisdom earlier, and people don't understand what that means. Wisdom is not being smart. It's the ability to use your knowledge in the right way. That's a totally different concept in understanding. That's another thing is people don't know how to interpret. They mix words. They don't understand what things mean. They don't understand the handbook to how we're supposed to live. I'm not saying it teaches you how to do your credit. Exactly. It's how you're supposed to carry yourself.

It's meant to be the roots. I love that you're talking about that, because when you focus on strengthening and praying for these things about yourself, that means that no matter what happens in my life, I'm going to get through it because I have this capacity that I've prayed for and I've built within myself. I think that is the biggest gap that I'm seeing in society right now, because if you look across everywhere, they don't teach that anymore.

No. People tend to only pray when they're desperate.

When you're breaking down versus being thankful and grateful for everything.

On my best days is probably when I pray the most.

Prying of gratitude. Yeah.

Sometimes on my worst days, I struggle because my mind is so gone. I'm actually doing more prayer on my best of best when most people just are like, la-di-da-di-da, don't care. It's only when they want something.

It's interesting. Yeah.

I struggle the most of my worst days when you would think it would be the polar opposite.

Because you're probably... I do the same thing, actually. It's interesting that you brought that up because I feel like you're aware that it's a you problem. You can't bring in God or try to blame him. Help me understand why I'm going through this because I know that there's a reason I'm in this situation is probably from my own doing in some capacity. Whereas when blessings are happening, you know it's fully him creating it, and you're just a vessel of his creation.

That's it. I always pray that somehow, someway, that his name will get put out in front of everybody more in the way it's supposed to be. Because I feel like there's a bigger movement of people that are going that way, but there's this force that fights back against it, that pushes against it.

Because it's crazy to say that speaking of God has almost become a polarized conversation.

That's insane. I'll tell you what, every single thing I do, every podcast I go on, whether they like it or they don't, I don't give a flying fuck. That is going to be the first thing I say and where I go, and I'm giving it there. Don't listen if you don't like it. I don't care. I really don't.

I feel like a lot of people actually want to hear it because like, Oh, he talked about it, too, because it's something that's there. But I'm worried because I care more about what people think versus what's true to me, which is another issue that society deals with. It's like people pleasing versus what's true to me. People don't know what's true to them anymore.

I will always give him everything because I don't have this or any of this. He gave it to me. If it's not meant to be, he'll take it whenever it's supposed to go. It's not my call. I I'm literally only working for him now. I just do what I feel compelled to do now at this point because I don't know shit on my own.

But that's how I've even transitioned to the work that I'm doing now. I had a very successful business. I was running as a handover herbalist for so long, but I just got to a point where it was like- Is it who you are? I'm not enjoying this anymore. There's no way this is it for me, God. Whatever is meant for you is going to happen. Whatever is not meant for you is not going to happen. That's right. I think people have a hard time accepting that. They try so hard. I did the same thing where it's like, I would try and I try, and things were just not working. I was constantly facing roadblocks until you're like, It's not meant to work.

You know what you said earlier, which was the key to me figuring out what I was supposed to do is listening. Even during prayers Or sometimes I feel like Holy spirit has to talk through me because I talk so much during prayer, even that I can't tell you how many times then I start talking and then something comes to me and I say it out loud. I'm like, I see what you're doing. I get it. I understand. I won't shut up so you're saying it out loud through me. I hear you. I'm going to go do it. Listening is literally one of the... It's a skill. You know what I mean? You have to work at it.

This is where I think, I think meditation and those kinds of things are so important. Prayer is a form of meditation. That's all it is. To be able to sit in that silence where you allow that inner voice to become so much louder in a world that is so busy and constant distractions. People can't even go to the washroom without their phones. You never have time to have that quiet mind or to be bored. People don't know how to be bored anymore. When you're bored is when your best ideas come through, when God speaks to you more clearly, all of that is a couple of those. I wish people just practice being bored more often. Yeah.

But I think people create boredom, too, because you're not really bored. If you're in prayer and listening, there's nothing boring about it. You just create that and think that you're bored because you feel like you have to be occupied all the time.

That's exactly it. When I say bored, that's what I'm referring to, is like, I to be doing something. I have to be productive right now. But sometimes doing nothing is productive.

As you get older, you realize that boredom is pretty damn valuable because you never have a quiet moment to yourself or a moment of peace.

That's why prayer is so important. You need that silence and I love that you mentioned listening, because I think that if there's one big takeaway, listening is the most powerful skillset that any human can build. Listening to what people are saying, listening to what people aren't saying, listening to God, listening to his signs. How do people get signs in front of them every single day and refuse it because it's not literally written on a paper in front of them. If people can practice that, my- I can't tell you how many times where I know something is being said to me, and that I have gone, and I try to block it or skew it.

It's a 100% miss for me. Every time I do it, it's literally 100%. The times I listen, and then even if it seems awkward or wrong, and then it's like, then something crazy happens, and it's like, holy shit. I heard you, and I'm thankful that I listened, type of thing. Right.

Oftentimes, it comes as a whisper, and it comes as a shout. You're not listening. I'm going to come in with a bang until you're like, Oh, I knew it. I should have listened before. That's usually how it happens. But if people just quieted down a little bit and listened a little bit more, you can hear the whispers before it turns into screams.

Just happened to me. Here's a prime example. I traveled to Austin last week or the week before. I don't know, a week or two. I'm bad with dates. Anyway, I had stayed at a house because I always stayed at VRBO, and I had stayed at this lady's house in, I think it was May last year. I wrote her because she said, No, next time you come, let me know and you can stay here. I texted because I found her number, didn't get a response. I was like, Huh? I got on VRBO, found the house that it was, wrote her no response. I was like, That is so weird because she It's going to be a great review. I went ahead and booked it. Never got really much of a response to write before. Then it was the generic automated. I land, go to the baggage claim, get a text from her on the VRBO. The house got broken into last night. You can't stay here. I have another house for you to stay in. So I stayed in the other house. Point being, I should have known. I thought, I felt like, man- There was resistance happening.

Yes. I I was like, Man, this is really weird. Maybe I shouldn't do this. But I put it off, put it off, and I was like, Screw it. I'm just going to do it. I'm in a hurry. I knew. Then he was like, Okay, fool. I'm just going to protect you here. This was what was going to happen.

Especially, I don't know how the gun laws are in Houston.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, best case, they just steal something. Worst case, I get hurt.

He know his best. Sometimes these obstacles are coming up for a reason. Actually, even my sister and I just coming into Here, I swear to you, Dylan, till now, I'm mind boggled because I booked our hotel resort. Booked it. I sent it to her, confirmation everything. Yesterday, we went into the rental car and I was like, I can't find the email anywhere. No, you don't understand that. Is it here? I was going crazy. I'm like, No, you don't understand. I started going through my credit card statement and everything, and I was like, It is not there. After a little while, I was like, We're not meant to stay there. I can go and rebook it right now for a reason. We went through it in our place right now. We went there, we got upgraded to the suite, we did this, we did that. I was like, I could have forced it and showed up there, and who knows how the experience would have been compared to just saying, We're not meant to stay there. It's okay to go somewhere else. It was an even better experience. You forced That's it. You have to try to force yourself into a situation that's not meant for you.

It's always talking, but we're not always listening. That's it. Do you find then with most of the problems you have, your The biggest obstacle is to fix the communication between the parent and the child. Is that what starts the healing process or the fixing?

That's right. It's the communication and the understanding of each.

Then trust building, maybe?

Right, of course, 100%. The way to communicate that helps build the trust that it's safe communication on both ends. That also comes from a form of understanding because you have to understand your child's language and how they express themselves. It's also important for the child to understand the parent, their capacity, versus expecting them to be on your same healing journey, same emotional language, all of that. So communication and that level of understanding is the primal thing for sure.

And like I said, there's a fine line in everything. I think people go to extremes too much. And I do. I encounter this with supplements and all the bodybuilders I coached and people that go on their diets. And everything's an extreme. You know what I mean? And there's just no in between. And that causes the problems with people, too, because they- Which is so unhealthy. It is. There's this extreme resistance against any discipline at all. I'm not saying get verbally abused and ridiculed. That's too much. But discipline is so good and prepares you, like you said earlier, these people don't understand what the real world is like.

Because they're confusing passion. You can be so passionate about something. And when someone's so passionate, they almost feel the need to have to persuade everybody else into their way of thinking. If someone isn't, it's like as if it challenges them, but it's not that. We're all so unique, and it's okay to have different passions and different perspectives. But I feel like that happens with everything. Even the language that we were I was talking about earlier, when you think about all this new language, boundaries is forced on everybody. Boundaries was originally created as a form of standards, being able to stand up for yourself, self-respect. Now, boundaries has turned into anything that challenges me is not healthy for me. So everything is being forced to that extreme. It's like my belief system is the truth. My feelings are facts. Anything that challenges that is probably toxic, and I shouldn't be around it.

You know what's crazy that just dawned on me right now, and I hate politics, but this is an example.

It happens a lot.

It feels like that term compromise has completely disappeared. It's my way or no way. That is it. That's it. If it's not that way, I hate you.

Covid boomed crap out of it.

But let me ask you this. No matter what happens, all the fighting, all the arguing, everything else, these two sides, they have to compromise or nothing ever gets done. Everything shuts down. They're teaching people or pushing on people to never compromise, yet They have to every single day or nothing happens. Right.

Even when it comes... I don't follow politics either. I'm like, left or right wing is all part of the same verge, really, in my opinion. It's just a form of divide. But you're right. People don't want to compromise. Now, it's like you think my way or not. I can't even tell you the amount of, and like I said, I don't follow politics, the amount of people that have literally told me because of who I voted for, my kids think I'm a danger and don't want anything to do with me anymore. That's where society has come to, who I voted for, because they have a different perspective and Obviously, if I ever voted, I don't think my parents and I would ever vote on the same people. And that's okay. Do I think that they're a danger to me? Do I think that they intentionally want to harm me? Absolutely not.

This shit with who people vote for. If you You have, like, generally speaking, we talk about faith, so we have to fall into one category, right? Because one side, certainly zero % of them are faithful, right? Or whatever it is, it doesn't matter. You know what I mean?

That's what they pull on. They pull on the belief system.

I don't belong to anybody's fucking side but God's side. Exactly. I don't belong to anything, nothing. I have a beautiful marriage. We have a beautiful family. We belong to God. We don't belong to anything else.

We're stuck to this temporary world.

Yeah, that's just it.

We're so self-centered in this temporary world that we take everything so freaking serious.

It's just insane. It is so insane There are moments for sure that you need to be serious. You got a big speech, you're doing something special, you're doing God's word. Yeah, take it serious. But some of this stuff, it's like... This is what I was going to ask you earlier because we went all over place. Simple phrase, constructive criticism. How do you find that to be problematic in your realm for people?

Well, what's really interesting is I've worked with a lot of parents that are straight up like, Thank you for telling me what I was doing wrong. I love that. I'm finding there's some adult children that are also doing the same thing, but still so defensive to it. There's still some parents that are. They don't want to think that there are bad people that are doing something wrong. They will literally protect it at the cost of their own happiness because there's so much pride involved. I think constructive criticism is the most important thing because it's constructive. I need to hear what is wrong with me or what could be an area of opportunity for me based on someone else's perspective because we all have different perspectives. And that, you should take it with a grain of salt, but at the same time as, Thank you for pointing out something in me that probably needs were.

Do you know how were to have multi-meanings? Cool, it's cool, but it's badass, whatever. Pride has two sets of meanings, one good, one very bad. I think taking pride in your work or pride in things that you do is very important. I think being prideful is one of the worst things that you could ever be. Having too much pride and not able to say you're sorry, not able to admit when you're wrong. I think it is one of the worst characteristics or trait. In Yeah, it is one of the worst of the worst of the worst. Pride does not pay your bills. Pride does not answer questions. Pride does not solve anything.

It doesn't solve your marriage and your relationship.

No. It ruins us. It does. The thing that I learned, and it's funny, when I really learned this, my college basketball coach, he told us, he said, If I don't yell at you or jump on you, I really don't care about you.

Right. Tough love. Yeah. That's the thing is people don't know what that toughness is anymore.

No, because they don't find it important enough to give their efforts in telling you what you're doing wrong or jumping on you to correct what you're doing. You're insignificant. I don't ever want to be insignificant. I want to have things that need fixed so that I can improve because it means that you see something in me.

You want to be challenged. Absolutely. People don't like to be challenged.

I tell my wife when I met her, I said, If I look like shit, if I talk too much, if I smell like shit, you tell me. You say whatever you need to say because I'm going to be angry if you don't.

It It might hurt my feelings. I might be like, Oh, cool. Thank you for telling me. Even if someone does react that way, it's okay. Thank you for telling me.

I had a friend because I used to party way too much. I had one friend, and he'd only ask me, Does my hair look good? Do I look good? Whatever he needs to tell me. He'd tell me, he'd go, You're the only one that's ever honest that tells me. I said, Bro, I don't want you to go out there and make a fool. I'll always tell you. People that come to me, they know I'm not going to ever tell you what you want to hear. It's not helping you. I will only tell you what you need But it is helping.

It's helping them not know. You're telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. That's right. That's always helping.

That's the only thing I will tell you. I will never tell you what you want to hear.

It's interesting that you said that, actually. I don't think I ever really realized it until now, where I've always been known as a very honest person at the expense of some relationships, where it was like, you hurt my feelings because of how honest you were, where I'm thinking, Isn't it healthy to just say what I think is probably best for you? But I think that also has a direct correlation with the fragility that we're talking about. Because if you're not able to say how you truly feel because you're scared about someone else, that's a lack of expression right there. And that lack of expression is not just communication. That's just your ability to say, I trust who I am right now, and I trust that I'm capable of even fixing the conversation if I need to, if it was misinterpreted based on what I said. People don't know how to be honest anymore.

No, you could speak speak with malice, and that's one thing, right? But if you're simply stating something that's helpful, you come to me and say that, I'm going to thank you up and down for pointing it out.

Because I'm so honest, I love when someone comes to me and tells me something honestly. I grow more respect for you.

Well, look, I always want to get better, and I want to improve upon what I'm doing. If there's something I'm doing wrong, it doesn't matter. You know what I mean? But many people, they don't ever want to hear in any inadequacy. Can I spit it out? They don't ever want to hear it. They're scared of it. They're scared to have to fix something or work at something. That's not a healthy fear. You should be looking every single day for ways to improve. I use Jesus as an example. I will say to him, I want to see things through your eyes. I want to be as you are. I know I can't ever be, but I always have something to work towards. Perfection might not be attainable, but that means you always have something to chase.

I love that you talked about the pride in the different versions of pride because you're right, being proudful of your work and where you've come is so important. But oftentimes, when you're so driven by the ego, that's just self-protection. When you're self-protecting, that means that I'm aware that there's something that I'm lacking, and I don't want to work through it. I'm scared. I'm scared. I don't know how to work through it. Am I going to have the capacity? Does that mean that I'm weaker? Whatever it is. And that's often It's an perfect opportunity to say, Okay, this is what I have to do. It's ego is literally going to block you from being your healthiest, happiest version of yourself. And that's why when I see adult children who are fighting me so hard, I see the correlation between the adult children who are justified and cutting off their parents who are so angry. I'm like, Doesn't that say something to you? If you're carrying that much anger, doesn't that show you that maybe this is not the path and there's a lot more emotional healing that has to happen? It's so deeply rooted, but it's ego.

I have to protect myself at all costs, even at the cost of my own happiness.

Yeah, it's crazy how it works. I guess we've gone on the full-time. I'm shocked. Yeah, this was one of those roundtable discussions type of things that would have been great.

Anything and everything?

Yeah, I love it. I enjoyed this so much. This is just like, this is stuff that all needs to be said. You were perfect for this conversation. I hope I carried it well because I'm involved.

No, I think it's great. It's what people need to hear but don't necessarily think about What are you talking about?

My conversation.

Yeah.

Well, tell everybody where they can find you and what are the best platforms, and I'll link everything.

Yeah. I mean, Tania Cazal. That's it. T-a-n-i-a-k-h-a-z-a-a-l. Z-w-a-l. I'm in Canada. But that's my website. That's my socials, Instagram, Facebook. I'm super active there. Just started my YouTube. That's it. They can find anything in all my offers and my posts where I talk about a lot of this.

Well, you have so much valuable to offer, and I appreciate you taking the time coming here and discussing this stuff with me because I think this is one of the most important discussions I've ever had on air. I really do. I think this is just some of the most impactful stuff.

Yeah, it was a great conversation. I enjoyed the shit. I was open to it.

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for just going off script. I guess I don't use script, but I mean off script on maybe what you're used to discussing.

This is the deeper of the surface level that I talk about anyways. So I appreciate you bringing that in.

We got to hit the All right, everybody. That wraps up another one. I hope this helps you, doesn't hurt your feelings, and makes you make some progress in your life. So that being said, stay tuned for plenty more to come. Dylan Jameli signing off.