Transcript of STAYING ALIVE: Sean Hayes! New

Smart. Less. Media.

How— what are you doing? How are you staying alive? What,

uh, that's a good question. You know, you think I would have prepared for this, but, um—

It is the only question, so—

No, the, um, how am I staying alive? It's a Well, I'm gonna tell you right now, I got my blood work done, I don't know, like a month ago, and it was really bad. It was like I had crème brûlée for blood. Like, I had— it was just sugar and fat all the way through. But

your diet is infamously— you eat what you want. You eat what you want.

All the time.

All the time.

For like my— for my 76— all 76 years I've been eating what I want.

Hey, Smartless listeners. This is Adam Pally.

And Jon Gabrus.

Oh, we're all up in your feet.

Ah, that's right. We're the hosts of the Staying Alive podcast, and we're so pumped to give you guys our Sean Hayes episode. We hear as subscribers of Smartless, you might be a fan of the man.

Well, and if you're a fan of this episode and you liked us, come check out our podcast called Staying Alive. We have a ton of episodes right now, including—

We just had Heather McMahon on last week.

Heather McMahon on last week. Ron Funches on next week. Will Arnett in the past.

Oh yeah.

It's a show about fitness hosted by 2 guys who are not fit.

Yeah, it's a health and wellness podcast hosted by physically unhealthy and mentally unwell guys.

That's a great— is that— was that what that cue card says?

Yeah, I don't know. Devin's been waving it in our face this whole time.

That's why I can't read it. Devin, put it down!

We love our bosses.

Yeah, we love our horrible bosses. All right, Sean Hayes. Sean Hayes. Isn't it crazy that we've union busted television so much that like theoretically this, what we're doing now, we could sell to Netflix?

I mean, it's crazy and probably will.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like wild. Like there's no production. The production value I have was that I clicked like blurry on my background.

Yeah. Mine is that I moved a pile of Crocs and Sperrys out of the fucking frame. So I looked like I cleaned up here.

Oh my God. I got a story about Crocs. Should we start with that or no?

Yeah. Let it rip.

So I was doing this— I was doing— hi guys, it's so good to see you, by the way. Good to see you. I was doing this show, um, Promises, Promises on Broadway years and years and years ago. And this, this very, um, conservative-looking family, uh, was there with their kids. And one of the— the girl was like in a dress, and that guy— and the little boy, she was like 10 and he was like 9, and he had Crocs on his shoes, right, on his feet. He's wearing Crocs as part of his, like, suit. It was really, really cool. And, uh, but I was in, like, joke mode after the show. So, you know, when you're just like, you're in the zone, you can't stop. Say less. 'Cause I just performed it, so the adrenaline's still going. I got off stage and the whole fam— their whole family's there. I don't remember who it was. And, uh, and I was like, hey, how was that? Uh, what's your name, little girl? And she's like, Sue. I'm like, what a tsunami of a performance. Like, just bad jokes, like, but you can't stop your brain. And then the kid goes, the kid goes, he takes his shoe off and he said, will you sign my Croc?

I go, thank God there's an R in that. Okay, let's go. And the parents were like, grabbed their kids. Like, I think we're okay. I think we're good. And then Scotty, my husband, grabbed my arm. He's like, so nice to meet

you.

And he just pulled me. Yeah, exactly.

Sean, this is awesome to improvise with you. You are one of the funniest people. Likewise, you guys. Hero of ours.

We got a fucking— we got one of our bosses on the line here, dude. This is something I don't get to do.

I know, it's so cool to have like hero bosses too. It's like—

Yeah, thanks,

man. You know, it's nice. How do you look so good at 74?

Yeah, since you were on TV when I was young, how are you look the way you look now?

And I know the 3 of you, because Jason's— Jason's the oldest, right? He's like just hit 80.

That's correct. Yeah.

And then you're 74. And then Will, shockingly, is 65, right? He's the youngest.

But he's got a stuffy—

He's got out of work.

Well, he smokes, so it keeps him young.

And he smokes. Yeah. Nicotine is now coming back.

Yes. What are you doing?

How are you staying alive?

That's a good question. You know, you think I would have prepared for this, but—

It is the only question, so.

No, the— how am I staying alive? Well, I'm gonna tell you right now, I got my blood work done, I don't know, like a month ago. Well, first of all, I got it done like 4 or 5 months ago, and it was really bad. It was like I had crème brûlée for blood. Like, I had— it was just sugar and fat all the way.

But your diet is infamously— you, you eat what you want. You eat what you want all the time. All

for like my— for my 76— all 76 years I've been eating what I want.

No, no barrier. Well, you added to

And so what I did was when I got those numbers back, it was like such a shocker because they were bad. Like, I've always had super high triglycerides, like really bad, and then the cholesterol and whatever. But I would— so this is kind of what hit me. So you know the Häagen-Dazs ice cream, like, you know, like the little tiny pints?

Yes. Yeah,

which is my favorite ice cream. I think it's probably the best out there.

I'm a huge fan.

I think mass production-wise, if you're not in a small town and there's not like a Right. You know, a mom-and-pop place. I think Häagen-Dazs is the— is like way better than Ben Jerry's. No, no shade.

Well, look, but by the way, you look at the back of Häagen-Dazs, I'm no joke, the vanilla ingredients, that's it. It's eggs, milk, sugar, and something else. And lard. No, I don't know what it is.

All 4 of my blood types.

Yeah. Quick, does anybody have lard? Not blood.

Ali had a heart attack again? Yeah.

A lard blood transfusion. But anyway, so But yeah, so I look at the back of it. By the way, I've been eating those things like, hey, I was good today, I can just have a whole— it's like this big. But finally, for the first time in my life, I looked at the sugar content and I was like, oh wow, it says like half of a cup has like 25 grams of sugar. Yeah. And there's like, I don't know how many cups in there, so it's probably like 80 to 100 grams of sugar, which is insane in one sitting. So I'd be eating that 3 times a week for the last 50 years.

At night?

Anytime. Like,

would that mess up your sleep?

Can we do a side Zoom about that?

Yeah, well, because my sleep is horrible. It's

horrible. I get up at 3 o'clock every morning.

Oh, 3 o'clock would be a dream if I could get up at 3.

Really?

What time do you go to bed? I don't know if I've ever slept.

You're like the only stoner I know, Pally, that doesn't sleep. I'm fucking—

like, no, I think that's what it is. Do you take gummies or smoke it?

Oh, I mean, at this point, at this point, I already snorted

it.

I have it piped into my browser.

I get my CBD IV every night.

Well, actually, the air conditioning guy just came and changed our weed filter, so we're good.

I sleep like a fucking rock. You guys are waking up.

You do?

Yeah, I know.

I know Adam's drinking.

Yeah, well, drinking is the undoing.

Yeah, but if you drink and you get all buzzed and then you go to sleep, you'll never sleep because of the sugar in the alcohol. keep you up.

Exactly. So I'm wondering if the ice cream— because that's so much sugar.

I don't know, but I've had sleep problems my whole life. But wait, let's get back to sleep. I want to finish the thing. So I got the thing, so I got the ice cream, I would eat that, and then I figured, you know, then the doctor's like, this is out of control. Like, you know, your blood is like— your cholesterol, everything's horrible. I started forming soft plaque and all this stuff. So That's what's keeping me alive is I completely— I didn't cut out sugar, but I've never ever learned balance in my entire life. So now it's just like, if I— so, so 2 days ago, 3 days ago for dinner, I had spaghetti and meatballs and a milkshake. Okay, then the next day I can't do any of that, so I have like turkey on Ezekiel bread and fruit, like just really boring shit.

You're preaching to your direct choir here because all we talk about is trying to learn balance because we're not gonna stop drinking a bottle of Japanese whiskey together. All right. So we have to, on the days when we don't do that, just swing that pendulum the other way.

Right, right, right.

But it does lead me to a question, Sean, if you don't mind.

Yeah, quickly,

quickly. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

To be fair, if you're only listening to the pod, Sean is on the red carpet and we stopped him. Yes, we're doing a full podcast on the red carpet.

Part of my costume has the wall of my home. And this is

very—

he's got a stiff and repeat with his own info on it.

Very Björk. Sia would love that. Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say, like, as a kid, like, you know, we're part of— we talk a lot about being like clean plate kids. We're like, yeah, yeah, when you grow up in a house that doesn't have a ton of money, right, and your parents are cooking, yeah, there's this sort of like mental thing where it's like the plate needs to be clean, you know, from for the kids in Africa to like that you're wasting my money.

I just brought this up the other day. And so your brain goes, right, I know where you're going. Your brain goes, well, I have to eat, I have to eat it. And then you become— you get these habits of finishing that. And I think I just equated this the other day to working out, which is like— because I, I have a trainer, otherwise I wouldn't go. And so I go, uh, it's my incentive to go if I'm paying somebody. I'm like, fuck, I'm paying somebody, I have to go. So, so I go there and I'm like, dude, we don't have to work out for an hour. It's the clean plate thing. It's like, just because everybody's like, an hour, it's like, no, I work out till I get sweaty and I'm tired and it hurts, which is like 15 minutes. No, no, which is like—

I pay him for the hour, I work out for 18 minutes, and then I lay around and I'm on a plane for the rest of the

day. Right, right. But no, it's like 35, 40—

Do you think Jason's cutting me off too much? Yeah,

exactly. 35, 40 minutes, I'm out. And right in the middle of like a rep, I go, I'm out. And I walk out of the gym.

Wow.

But it's the same concept as the clean plate thing. It's like all these ideas that we grew up with that are embedded, like you have to work out an hour, you have to clean your plate, you have to do, I don't know what the fuck else, but is different now. Right. But it's like, remember the pyramid of the food groups? It's like, no, you should eat £8 of bread a day or whatever it

is. You should have 12 bowls of pasta a day. Yeah.

2 pieces of fruit. Venison. Like, there was always a picture of, like, raw

mutton,

you

know, have a big old mutton chop like you're a video game character picking it up in a dungeon.

Right, right, exactly.

No, but I was wondering about this idea because for someone who works so hard and is in so many different facets, like, including being on Broadway, which is like Well, it's insane. You— is the most— I mean, I, I'd say it all the time when I was— when I did it, I've never drank more or eaten worse in my entire life.

Yeah, because, because, because you're exhausted.

Yeah, you're just finishing, you're like, and, and, and the only thing that you can like— because you haven't eaten before the show and then you're starving and you're like— the only thing that can like quiet you down is a bottle of red wine and pasta, right?

There are no other options.

There's no other way to be on Broadway. Yeah. And like,

they don't let you back on the stage unless you—

Yeah, no, truly, they check your— they check the receipt from last night.

If you don't have an 11 PM reservation that has 2,600 calories loaded to go.

But it's true because you lose— I don't know what you were doing, but like, was it a big part or big show?

Oh, it was a two-hander. Oh yeah, so it was like— say no more. Yeah, yeah, it was a 6-month two-hander.

Oh God, 6 months, 8 shows a week?

Uh, 8 shows a week.

And you're drenched in sweat after you get off.

Doing everything. You're— yeah, and it's like you're— it's the whole It's one of those whole gamut plays. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

Totally. Yeah, I read for it. I'm still, I'm still waiting to hear. I read for your part.

It's okay. They recast me after a 6-month run.

So, but, but to that point is like, I— when you're doing that many shows and you're drenched in sweat, you don't know, you're just going to refill your body any way you can.

Yeah. And you're like, and there's something about the, like, social aspect of, like, you're like you were saying before, you're like, you're— yeah, you're like, you're all revved up and it's like a victory every night. That's right. There's this mental need to pop a bottle of champagne. Absolutely. I survived. I did it. I didn't go up on a line. It's like, totally.

Like, yeah, this is my—

but this is my treat. No, no, that can't be healthy. You have to—

no, but I was going to equate it to sports because that's what I was going to say is when I'm like watching whatever, like there's a football game on and— or somebody's getting— I just watched Rocky, that movie Rocky again. Yeah.

You know that movie Rocky?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I know what you're talking about. Familiar, Sean. Familiar.

Have you seen this film Rocky? Someone said there's a tooth

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8, but I don't know if it's true. But anyway, so, and they're like, or whatever, or I'm watching a football game and whatever, the guys, like the PT guys, the physical therapist guys, right? And they're doing the back and the thing. And when you do a play on Broadway, I'm always like, yeah, everybody's an athlete because you're doing the same movements over and over and your body and your muscles get really— so yeah, you're just looking to refuel them. I just wanted to equate Broadway to sports. Well, I like it. People think that's ridiculous. Thank you.

I hope you know I'm gonna have to give you a wedgie now.

Yeah.

Another one.

Sorry, theater. I mean, more than the one you— more than the one you showed up with.

Well, Gabrus is starting a multicam in like 2 weeks. Are you really? You're a multicam king. And so when you say to me like Broadway is— Broadway is like sports, multicam to me is like Uh, hitting slots.

Yeah,

well, yeah, well, I hope for— I hope for Gabrus it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, any— I mean, anytime I did— I did a multicam for, for one season and it felt like hitting a slot because you're like, oh, this is—

it's a great job. The hours are amazing.

Yeah, clock in, I clock out, and I'm still doing right funny things. It's like, yeah, the best.

I, I would— so we had the great James Burrows direct Will& Grace, right? He directed every episode of Cheers, every episode of Will& Grace.

Yeah.

and Friends and Two and a Half Men and everything else. And, um, and he— we would get to work at 10 and we'd be done at 2. Oh, 4 hours a day. That's it. Oh, and so one of the writers, because he works so fucking fast— and then when I hosted Saturday Night Live, they're like, is this going too fast? I'm like, are you kidding? Like, I was— I've been spoiled. Like, this pace is incredible to me.

Yeah.

And so, so the— because it's all about the writing. If it's not in the writing, what are we rehearsing? What are we over-rehearsing for? You know what I mean? And so I'm excited. What is it, Gabe Russ, that you're doing?

It's called Dinks. It's awesome, Sean. It's with Marta Kauffman and it's a— Oh my God, brilliant. Yeah, she's pretty excited. What's it called? It's called Dinks: Double Income, No Kids. Paul Scheer and June Diane Raphael play like a married couple that are rebuilding a house and I play like their weird nephew who moves in.

That's great. Is it a pilot, a series picked up?

It's a series. Yeah, we shot the pilot a couple years ago. We're doing 6 episodes for Amazon.

Amazing. For Amazon, this is exciting. Yeah, it's very exciting.

you know, 20 years in the biz, my first series regular.

Really? Congrats, man. This is so exciting. Is it, um, and it's with an audience and everything?

With a live studio audience and improvised, not fully scripted.

No way.

Yeah, yeah.

Which sounds amazing. Brilliant.

Yes. Yeah, it's gonna be— it should be pretty fucking exciting. Yeah.

And then what do they just cut around the, the improv?

I guess they trim it up there. Yeah. Or like, in the pilot, we like redid a scene here and there of like, oh, let's tighten this up, let's lose that chunk, and let's just get through it. Because you can cut together it between takes.

Well, they have you, who's brilliant at improvising anyway. Is everybody really?

Paul Scheer is my level 2 teacher in 2004. No way! Yeah, and June is fantastic. And then I'm assuming our guest stars will be people of similar caliber.

That's really exciting.

Yeah, equating sports to performing, I want to get back into that for a second because like we treat ourselves like ultra marathoners, you know, like you're like refueling in between scenes and stuff, and it's like It does feel like that emotionally, but then at the end of the day, you're like, I did have 4 buffalo chicken wraps and maybe burned 80 calories performing. But like, in your head, you're like, I need this emotionally. You do feel like each— after each stop down, you're like, I earned it, let me refuel. Like squeezing the gel into your mouth like you're doing a half-mile race.

Danger, danger. Do you go over there, Sean? You do? Do you, uh, go over there trolling for truffles?

Yeah, yeah, still. No, we, we had our craft service lady, which she would make, um, she was from the South, so she'd just make, uh, uh, you know, brisket and fucking hamburgers and like cake and like mac and cheese. It was crazy. Her name was Sandy. Sandy Flowers.

My last show shot in Chicago and it was like, you would literally, literally like you'd walk in and they'd be like, you look, you look a little peaked. What do you say? What do you say we do a pierogi bar at lunch, huh?

That's a good accent.

And you'd be like, a pierogi bar at lunch? Like, or, or pre-lunch, I don't care. Just to get you some sustenance. Pierogies. Yeah, I gained like £30 in that shoot. Like, I look back on that and there's a scene where I'm like running in my underwear in a car and I was like, oh God, I hit that pierogi bar.

Yeah, but, but I think for your sitcom, it's gonna— you know, I'm very passionate about what makes certain ones work and what makes other ones don't. And I think if, if you remember, the scripts used to be called teleplays.

Yeah, right.

It wouldn't be called scripts. Did you get the teleplay for whatever? I mean, and so that's because they were plays. And so you were— it's almost like the audience at home, like I Love Lucy or Will& Grace or Cheers. If you watch Cheers, I still watch Cheers all the time.

The best.

It's like you're watching a play.

Best pilot ever.

And so the actors are incredible, like your cast you just said sounds incredible. They're all acting in the scene. They're not performing for the audience.

Right.

And that— because that's what you do in a play. You're in the scene with somebody, looking in their eyes and And it doesn't matter who's watching. It doesn't matter if the entire audience is watching or nobody's watching. You're in the scene with somebody, and that draws us in. And so many sitcoms, because they're overly lit and overly edited and overly— the sound is in your face. Back then, you could hear the crew walking around, and you could feel the audience through the sound of everybody watching this play. And I think that's what's missing. I feel real passionate about it. And hopefully, yeah.

Uh, that sounds— you just reminded me of something. When I saw August: Osage County on Broadway, one of the best, uh, plays I've ever seen.

That's my boy.

Amazing. That's the dinner sequence.

Yeah. Where 4 people are facing directly away from the audience.

Yes.

And you're like, that's a weird, uh, setting. And then all of a sudden it feels like what you're talking about, that you are watching a family. You're like looking through a window at them. And it was like, it blew my mind open for like this exact thing you're talking about. Yeah. I just could not believe— I'm like, that's crazy. from improv, you know, we are— you're like, sit open to the crowd so everyone knows what you're doing. And then you watch this and I'm like, oh man, I feel like I'm like— But when you're standing in the kitchen watching them—

Totally. But when you said improvise, I, I've never seen that before, and I think that'll help a lot.

Yeah, you won't have like marks to hit and shit like that. It should feel a little crazy. Yeah.

Well, because I, I, I didn't— I only did like 13 episodes, but in my, in my brief experience of it the part that is the hardest to keep fresh is when something doesn't work, right? You, you go back to the— and you're trying, and the writers come out and they're like, let's do this and that. And it's like, it's not anyone's fault. The audience has seen it. They've seen— you know what I mean? So they're not—

you can't milk them. Yeah,

you can't. Like, they know I'm gonna bounce through that door. So it's like, now we're hoping the next line is funny. It's like, it's hard to kind of get that energy. But I feel like to mix the, the energy of no script,

right,

in that will kind of cure that in a way that it almost feels like Saturday Night Live, like you were saying. Yeah, for sure. It could— it was— you could fuck up.

Yeah, yeah. It was pretty crazy shooting the pilot. I know the audience is trained for this. I've been watching TV my whole life, right? But I open the door and get like the huge applause. They don't know who I am. It's not like, oh fuck, the nephew's here. Like, they're just like, no, they're supposed to do it. And I've never felt so like electrified in my entire life. Yeah, I was like, I'll fucking kill anybody. I'm like indestructible. I've never felt that. I got like the Kramer reaction and I'm like undeserved, fully coached.

I was like, ah, yeah. And then when you're done taping, you're on such a high that night. I, I would drive for hours listening to music because I was so amped up. It was like a rock concert every single show. It was crazy.

And especially you guys were like Yeah, you guys were like such a big fucking deal, you know what I mean? Like, where people were waiting. I mean, I remember as a kid waiting for the next Will and Grace.

Thanks.

You know, because you're like, you— there were no— and then it never came. Are we, are we off? Are we, uh, you know what I mean? One day it started to stop going, but they all—

That was back in the day when you didn't know the programming schedules and it wasn't easy to find out without a TV guide. So you'd kind of just be like sitting there and be like, I think it's Thursdays at 8:30 or 9:00, like you just had to be planted in front of the TV and be like, have we seen this one? I don't know. Is this a new one? Is this a rerun? And you're just excited to be there.

And then they remember, I don't know if you guys are too young, but remember they'd supersize the episode.

Yes, I remember that.

It'd be like 5 minutes longer just so they could make more ad dollars. But I was too young to know that. Yeah, yeah, totally. Post-Super Bowl is the spot.

Super extended episode of your favorite show and it's just 4 extra minutes of the characters talking in the living room set. You're like, okay.

I kind of wish I would do the other way. I wish I didn't do single camera. first. I feel like single cam, like, by the time I got to multicam, I was like, when— it's the way that, like, uh, you know, you— I, I was like, when are we taking a break?

Right.

You know what I mean? Right, right, right. Like, I feel like I would've liked to switch it.

Well, the hours on a single camera are extraordinarily longer. Yeah. But anyway, back to the show, Staying Alive. So the, uh, thank you. Sorry, sorry about that.

No, please do.

Yeah, yeah.

We usually do that in an edit, but great job. But, uh,

Yeah. So my blood was so bad, all the shit I was eating, it finally caught up to me just this year. And so I started to balance by eating a little better. But these are the things I'm on. Metformin, which I hear is great. The grill? What's that?

The Metformin grill.

No, not the George Foreman.

You're thinking of the grill. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's called Metformin grill.

Your doctor in 2026 is like, I'm going to need you to start using the George Foreman grill.

The Metformin

grill. Yeah.

And you're like, I think I need to find another doctor. This guy got insurance sucks. I'm just standing out there grilling.

grilling. Like,

I'm looking at your numbers. I'm looking at your numbers. Someone is clearly not tilting. You gotta tilt it, pal.

You gotta grill on an angle, pal.

Yeah, that's hysterical.

And, uh, metformin.

Metformin. One of my thyroid stuff, which I've been on for years because I have a little, just a little low. And then, um, well, oh, I'm on a statin, which I really wish I wasn't, but I— Statin boys right here.

You're on Staten Island with us right now.

Welcome to Pete Davidson I'm on the boat.

You should— do you have the receipt? Just

like Pete and Colin, we were stuck with our Labrador.

Yeah, exactly. Um, so, so I'm— so those are things about— and they've helped. But by the way, exercise, I fucking hate it, but I force myself to go because you have to. And now I'm— now I've lost a lot of weight because I've cut back sugar a lot, and I've cut out a lot of white flour and rice and whatever. And so, I'll eat Ezekiel bread, which is really low— what is it called? Oh, yeah, and I was insulin resistant.

Ah, okay.

Are you on GLP-1s?

No, I'm not on those, but I was pre-pre-diabetes.

And that's what metformin will help with that, right?

Yeah, it regulates sugar in your blood, in your cells.

Yeah, because we both are on GLP-1s.

Oh, you are?

Yes.

And you've noticed a difference, obviously.

I have not noticed a huge difference because I'm—

What if you just started throwing up?

I have not noticed a huge difference.

You are recording from a toilet though.

I haven't noticed a difference in my look. I've noticed a difference in the way I feel. No, my father is a physician and he has been prescribing it to a lot of his patients over 45. Because—

What? Which one? A jelly one?

All of them, just based on your blood work. Yeah, yeah. Uh, whichever one fits you. Yeah. Because he believes that it does prevent like stroke and heart attack and even some cancers.

Wow.

And he's like, his big crusade is that like, if it wasn't— I hate using this word, but Kardashian-fied early on. Yeah, yeah.

Right, right.

a lot of people would still be alive.

If it wasn't Hollywood-fied and like all about like shallow looking.

Right, right.

Because I'll describe it as this, like we talked about Clean Plate Club. I grew up, every girlfriend's parents loved me because I ate all the food and I got like rewarded, you know. Right. When I was married, my in-laws would be like, this boy can eat, we love you, thank you so much for loving her. And I'm like, people like me because I eat their food. And then I just— and I never, I guess it wasn't until I started Zepbound that I experienced what being satiated or full was. Like, I only had like 2 things. Yeah, where I was hungry. That's your job, Sean.

You know what, Sean? That's your job.

Get us some ads here, brother.

You got us the codes, we'll promo them.

But for real, after being on Zepbound for a couple of months, I now will eat a meal and go like, I can't believe that was enough food. Like, I don't need an appetizer and an entree. An entree is enough. And it's like, it's really changed. I had never experienced this. Like, it's crazy.

And then I bet— I don't want to— I'm not a doctor. I bet if you got off it, which, you know, there's no need to, you would— your brain has now changed to be like, I don't need— and like, if there's like a burger and I'm starving, I will eat half and be like, I'm actually full, right? Like, there's no— and by the way, this is the other thing people don't talk about. We, we don't need to eat 3 meals a day because we're not growing anymore. The reason why you need to eat 3 meals is because you're constantly fucking growing and you need fuel. Your bones are extending, everything's growing. And then once you reach your height and whatever and your age, you're like, well, I'm not growing anymore, so I don't need to eat 85,000 fucking pounds of food a day.

Yeah, I mean, that's why The Rock is constantly like eating a lake's worth of cod, is because he's trying to grow. You know, if you're like, okay, would you like a salmon sushi?

No, just all the cod. You have?

No, I only eat one kind. God, the smaller, the bottom feeder.

He just goes in like a fucking whale, like open mouth, bites into the ocean, and then strains the water out between his gums like his brain.

Like Gollum. Yeah, fish heads.

It's like Kevin Hart. How did you get in there?

Wait, quickest— I, I would be mad if this didn't come up on this episode. Yeah, uh, we'll get back to health in a second. Sean, you had a production— I have a production company, Hazy Mills. Had. Um, and you produced a really strange game show that took place in a salon. That's right. And I hosted Hair Jacked for TruTV for one season.

Yeah. God, that was so long ago.

That was so long ago. And now here we are working together.

I know, I love it. And by the way, you were fucking great. You were so great.

It was Cash Cab in a hair salon.

Still a great idea.

Still, I had a blast. Loser, loser of the game had to get a fucked up haircut.

It was awesome. Wait, but Sean, you had a couple hits with

Hazy Moon. Didn't you?

Yeah, we had Hot in Cleveland, we had Grimm, we had History of Comedy on CNN.

Yeah, those are like— that's like 3 on the air. That's huge. Yeah,

well, we had, we had more, but, um, that's, that's like—

they don't have the name recognition of Hairjacked.

Yeah, Hairjacked is good. By the way, that's still a really good idea. I— we should do it.

Bring that back. I'm tech avail, bro.

What do you shoot? You shoot 13 episodes? 6 episodes?

6 episodes.

And you start next week?

Uh, you start in 2 weeks. Yeah.

In 2 weeks. Wow. Uh, pal, what do you got going on?

I'm finishing— I got another like 6, 7 weeks on The Beatles. And that's, uh—

I'm an idiot. What is that?

It's a movie about The Beatles.

It's Sam Mendes making 4 movies, one about each Beatle. Yeah.

Is that— oh, really?

Yeah. That's amazing. Adam's in a couple of them as one of the managers.

That's incredible. There's 4 movies. He's doing 4 movies.

Yeah. And you play the same character in each movie. And I do different— well, you play Sean Hayes. Yeah. You're integral to the— you don't know this,

but did you say I'm an Indigo Girl? I'm an Indigo Girl.

You're

playing the Indigo Girl. Yes. And actually, there's a big lawsuit.

No, I'm closer to fine. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for— what do you do for lines? How do you guys memorize lines? Like, do you have a designated spot in your, in your house or your apartment or whatever that you like, you— that is just for that? Or do you get somebody to run with you? Or how do you do it?

I need a PA. I need a PA and I need to do it like repetitiously cold where it's literally like over and over again each line. What did I miss? What did I get wrong? I gotta say it again. And then I gotta put that sentence with the next one and I gotta put that with the next one and then I gotta put it all together until I the whole play.

So you don't have to think about it.

Yeah, yeah, that's how I do it.

I have to write it. I have to write it the first time. Oh yeah, when I'm trying to go off-book, off-book, I have to write all my lines out. And then I kind of like write my lines of the script on a sheet of paper and then run it a bunch. But then I'll always just every once in a while go back to my lines like they're poems and just like—

Right, right, that's great. Yeah, right, being like a song.

Yeah, and like writing it is, I think, a holdover from like being a kid and just being like like taking notes in class and it hitting in a different way than like memorizing it that way.

Yeah, for sure. What about you? What do you do? I just did, um, um, I don't. I just decided not to. I just don't memorize it.

You just go out there wide-eyed and people are just clapping because you're Sean?

I saw one of your plays. He didn't say a word. I saw one of your plays and had a writer on it.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, I just, I just say whatever I feel that night.

I gotta get to that level.

No, um, No, I just did one, like they call them solo plays, but a one-man show called The Unknown where I played 10 different characters. It was a thriller and it was really fucking fucked up. It was incredibly written. But memorizing, I just did kind of what Adam, you said, just by— I have a place in my room in a corner with things and I just started. It's like, it's an hour and 10 minutes monologue. And so you just start memorizing it. And one time, like, show— I've said this story before, But one time, like show 60, 70, I don't know, after you do it for so long, there's this character Larry, and of course I play all the parts. And the line is, you know, I go, I go to his apartment, I buzz the door, Larry answers. And Larry kind of just talks, you know, like that. And so I go, I buzz the door and Larry answers. And I waited for whoever was playing Larry to say their line. And I was like, because I was so on autopilot, I was like waiting, and why isn't Oh shit, that's me too. God bless.

I play Larry too.

And that's like dreaming in another language.

Yeah, totally.

You know, where you're like, I sort of know Spanish. And then you're like, in your dream, you know Spanish and you're like, whoa.

Yeah.

You know, that's what that is like. Yeah.

I couldn't imagine doing like an hour-long word-perfect one-person show with me.

You could do it.

You guys could do it. I'm going to have stress diarrhea just imagining that.

I bet I could do it, but I bet I could do it because I did the other one, but it would just take the same length of time and effort to like make it songs. Like, you just make it like a song that you—

People are like, how do you memorize all those lines? Like, we memorize an album, your favorite album.

No, completely. I still have though, I wonder if you still have this. I still have, especially when I don't sleep that much, but I do have a recurring stress dream where—

Please tell me what it is.

Where I'm about, it's like I'm in the theater. I'm at Second Stage. I'm in the theater. And I'm like in my dressing room in the costume and the PA, and sometimes it's a PA, sometimes it's someone I know. Stage manager. Yeah. Sometimes it's like that changes, but they're like—

Sometimes it's McGruff the Crime Dog.

You

know,

it's green. Sometimes it's animated Ted. It's like, it could be anything, but they're like, you know, you gotta go on. You gotta like, you're late. You're late. late.

Yeah,

you're late, you know? And I'm like, what do you mean late? I've been in here the whole time. And then

like, yeah, it's the worst.

And then I get on stage and I don't know the play anymore. Yeah, it's like, I don't know that play anymore. Like, I don't even know the first line of it. And I'm just looking at the audience and I— and, and then it goes like, your mind goes to like, you skip the— that part, and then you, you're after the show and people are like, what happened? And like, now that's part of your dream. And you're like,

oh my God, I'm having a But you know what I think is crazy is the 8 shows a week. Like, who started that? Well, obviously producers did to make money, because the more shows you do, the more money. But it's like, I think it's inhuman. And like, people— like, no, it makes it not fun after 6 months or 5 months or 4 months, you know? It's like, I have to— I still have to— it's something like 80 shows. You're like, no, I shouldn't be doing this play 80 times in a row.

And a matinee.

Keeping the magic up with that shit has got to be fucking hard as hell too.

Especially a matinee at this point. o'clock every night, you can't have a headache, you can't have a stomachache, you can't be upset at your partner, you can't be— you can't feel anything other than being— There's so much going on. Yeah, it's just fucking awful and great, by the way.

When you're in it deep like that, are you changing any of your normal behaviors? Are you like— when you're— because traditionally—

I go to the doctor 25,000 times during a show.

Well, you're an infamous hypochondriac. You had a podcast about it. Totally. You're also super healthy. Those things are Actually, I mean, you are. Those things are probably tied together in a way.

Well, I think I'm finally getting on the road to being healthy, but now, but because I think I ate for a different podcast about psychological reasons, but that's for a different show. But yeah, to keep that up, you know, on a doing a show like that, I do— I go to the vocal coach a lot, like the vocal doctor, because I was like, I'm screaming a lot in the show. Can I make sure that I'm not blowing my vocal cords out? And then I'll stick the fucking camera and the tube down there and like, you know, you just—

That just gave me like the gag reflex.

And there's the cameras like, say, how can you talk? I get the cameras down my throat. But, and so that's That'll freak me out. That, and then just staying healthy because of the guilt of people buying tickets to come see you from all over the world. You know, it's like, oh God, I don't want like—

You got a lot of that Catholic guilt, Sean.

The pressure is like crazy. What's that?

You got a lot of that Catholic guilt.

Believe me. Couple that with the gay, the Catholic gay thing, it's like redundant.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Literally. You got way more to worry about than the people that bought the tickets.

Yeah, brother, you have hell coming up. What are you stressed about them?

Yeah, it's called the matinee. That's the hell.

These blue hairs don't know what I deal with.

I got a hell coming up. It's

brilliant. So this is what we're talking about, like we're athletes. That's when you're in season. Like traditionally our careers are maybe a little— every day's a little different. Yeah. But then when you get into that, you have to lock in. And are you like, are you like, I gotta exercise at noon, I eat— I— yes, I gotta eat this meal at 3, I can't have a coffee after—

yeah, like, are you trying Yes, that's the thing. Oh, this is good. That's the thing, because before, like, let's— my shows were at 7 because I'm like, contract— when we were doing the contract, I was like, I'm not doing 8, I'm doing 7 o'clock. Oh, hell yeah.

And I'm only doing

7 a week

because 8 means you're out at 11.

Yeah, 7 means I'm home at a decent hour. Yeah, like, and I wish it was a 6 so that you could do the show and then eat. Well, because it's all about eating.

So, John, that's, that's exactly right. 6 show would be better for the audience, by the way.

By the way, I'll one-better you. Let's do 5 while we're talking about it.

Let's do 5 o'clock. No one works anymore. 5 is perfect. 5 is perfect.

But I'm still at work. Not my problem. That's when the tickets start.

Answer the email in the intermission.

Yeah, in the cab on the way over.

Yeah. Yes, totally. We— I, I think we're gonna take it— do my next play to WeWork.

That's right. Why not?

At a podcast studio.

But it is all about food, Johnny. It's like, it's like, you know, you eat at, um, so, so you got to make sure you eat lunch at the right time so it digests, so you don't have acid reflux to give you phlegm so you can't speak. Yeah. Or yell or do your lines. So then you're starving by the end of the show. So when it gets out at 9, 10, 11, whatever it is, you're like, well, it's too late to eat now because now I'm gonna lay flat and all the acid reflux from the food. So it's hard, really fucking hard to figure out when you're gonna eat.

Or you get off stage and you gotta like shake hands with like your 6 cousins that came to see you. Yeah, you're just like, I need to get fucking pasta ASAP.

And I need to go to bed because it's all about sleep. And like, everything is about sleep. If you— if you're tired and you have to perform, you can't open your throat to make your vocal cords make sound, you know what I mean?

Like, this guy's definitely going to hell talking about throats and shit.

Nobody's—

exactly, exactly.

It is really hard. And was it like that? Was it like that when you were on the multicam? Were you—

No, I didn't think about it, which is probably just like out

there and then

you have the Sunset Marquee after. Drunk every night. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh no, we would film. We talk about all the time. We would film. We were on a single cam, but when Happy Endings was over, we had a standing table at the Sunset Marquee that like was used probably forever for, for like 75 episodes.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, it was the best time of my life. Like, it was awesome. I

wish my whole thing would be— forgive me, but would be about pooping. I'd be like, I need to make sure I get one. When I figured that out, I wouldn't want to have to feel like I had one on deck on stage. I feel like it would affect me.

Yeah, well, I would, but that's the thing. During a run of a show, my poops are fucking great because all the anxiety and all this stuff makes it go right through.

You're like, lock the fuck in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time, same place?

Usually, yeah, usually. But when I'm not doing it—

85% of the time it's in the toilet.

Yeah, but on the one-man show, I just— The Unknown, I just did— it's, um, I would dope, but my stomach would get rumbly, and I would just be, just be me standing behind the curtain waiting for places, right? Which is already in my place. And the stage manager would walk by every single night and be like, like, uh, great, you ready? I'm like, great, I'm ready. But a lot of the times I would let one rip right before she walked by, and because I couldn't— I didn't want to do it during the stage because then everybody would hear it. So she'd be like, are you ready? Now I am. Yeah, every single night.

And people say— we're holding for Sean's fart.

We're holding for Sean's fart. Has he farted yet?

Like, everyone's like over there walking. Exactly. It's interesting.

People say of the, uh, Will and Grey's cast, you were one of the easiest to work with. So that's an interesting story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I'll corroborate that.

I can corroborate that.

Just to talk fitness for a sec. Yeah, go ahead. Before you get out of here, uh, you said like you go to the trainer and you hate it. But you continue to do it because you are a— explain to us, are you seeing results? Are you— because one thing we and Adam talk about a lot is like, when you were younger, you didn't believe anyone who said like, if I don't exercise, I feel crazy, right? That sounds stupid. Now I do feel that. I get depressed after day 4 of not exercising.

I do. I agree. And it's like, you know, just— I'm— and this is— you guys are catching me like, this is just in the past like 2 months or month. I'm like I actually look forward a little bit. Like, I fucking hate it, but when I'm there, I'm so glad I went. And knowing that feeling makes me go back. It's like the results. Yeah, I am feeling results for the first time in a long time.

And mentally is just as important.

Yeah, for sure. And you get back to, you know, your physique that you used to have when you were a little bit younger, you know what I mean? And you're like, oh, this is like— I'm looking, you know, when you take your shirt off, you're not so depressed anymore.

Oh God.

You know what I mean?

I look forward to that day.

Yeah,

I'm still a melted candle. I'm back. I'm a melted candle.

Sorry, I got super depressed and had to shut my camera off.

I'm a pregnant— I'm a pregnant cow. I'm gonna take my shirt off. I'm a fucking—

no, but aren't you guys— don't you guys feel like you're on your way to, like, getting back into, like, what you used to look like? Yeah,

I feel better in the last— since we started getting our lives together with this podcast, I feel a ton better. I don't know if I look a ton better. Like, I—

You do.

I've been seeing a lot, like, even better, buddy. I feel like I, I work so hard to look like shit that it's like, it's, it's truly frustrating. But that may just be— that may be okay as long as I'm here.

Uh-huh.

I've been saying I'm aging like a fine toilet wine. Do you—

wait, Jon, do you have a girlfriend?

Uh, no, I'm, uh, post-divorced in the streets. Okay, got it. I guess. Yeah.

Okay, got it. I was gonna say, so, so Adam, this is for you.

I'm married and I have a girlfriend.

Right, right. Okay, that's perfect. Okay, let me ask you, do both of them care about enough to, to, to, to give you notes about how you look before you leave the house? Or are you just like, no, I don't want to hear it, I'm just wearing a t-shirt and this is what my hair looks like and I'm— this is— I don't care?

Oh no, no, the first.

You have, you have to put yourself together.

Yeah, I can't. And if even if I like take a swing—

yeah, yeah,

like the other day I, I bought this like green t-shirt, right? It's not, it's not wild. There's no logo.

I have a girlfriend.

There's no logo on it. There's no— it's just like not white and not black. It's, it's green. It's like mint green.

Yeah.

And I wore it downstairs at like 7 in the morning on the way to take the kids to school. And my wife goes, you're going to that meeting like that?

Uh-huh. Right.

And I was like, what? And she's like, I thought you had a meeting later. I was like, I do. And she's like, and you're wearing— what is that t-shirt? I was like, I— what? I just got this. She's like, you just got that? I was like, okay, okay. Like—

And then you have to change. Yeah.

And I have to change because then the whole day I'll be Like, is this t-shirt really bad?

Yeah, yeah,

like really bad.

You can say— you can tell I'm divorced. Yeah, because I have a fucking—

oh, that's a great t-shirt.

Kids cartoon shirt on.

Yeah, yeah. What does that tell them?

There's this designer named Wizard of Barge who does these really cool kind of— yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, you can tell I'm married because my mother-in-law sleeps in my office.

Is that your office? Is that true?

Yeah.

Oh, that's why you've been so quiet this whole time. She's sleeping right now.

Yeah, but she's actually awake, but the aides that hear hearing aids are down.

Is that, is that the girl when you said wife and girlfriend?

Buddy, one of them.

Uh, anyway, wow.

Sean, thank you so much for coming on. It's been amazing.

Thank you. Yeah, pal. Thank you. Yeah, this is awesome. You guys are awesome. You're doing such a great job. I, you know, you're 2 of the funniest people on the face of the planet.

Well, we'll see you at the next People magazine Sexiest Men of the Year.

Uh, I'm on my way now. I'm wearing this t-shirt.

Sexy. You're wearing— that's the t-shirt? That's the t-shirt?

Yeah, why?

What?

Just letting out a big fart next to Jason Momoa before you gotta take your photo.

Momoa, you want to get pasta?

Momoa.

I'm not drinking that much anymore, so yeah. Balance, dude. Balance. It's all about balance. He's like, what? Hey Jack, I'm trying to work on my lines.

Yeah, exactly.

All right, dude.

Thank you so much, guys.

Man, that was fun. I do like— he's such a pro podcaster. Like, I think 3 times he's like, so my nutrition plan is— Well,

he went out there like checking my watch. At one time, I think he leaned in to look at my watch.

Yeah, he said, he said, I feel bad you guys are going long. I was like, hint taken, brother.

Yeah, I did want to get into a little bit more of his weed intake, but

yeah, I know. Well, now we have a new goal, is to get high with the boss. Yeah, we got it.

Because like, I've done that with Will, and his version is like eating ice cream in Sag Harbor.

Oh hey, that sounds like a fucking—

it's fine, but it's like, I want to get stoned.

Yeah, I want to get high with Sean. I think I would fucking, uh, laugh to the point of cheeks hurting hanging out with him.

Dude, he reminds me so much of of like there are certain guys that you meet. I feel like we've brought this name up all the time, like Tim Meadows, or there are just certain guys like that. Like we could make a list of in our lives, in our collective, like, career and lives that they just make you laugh. Like you could just sit with them and say something and whatever they say back will make you laugh.

Yeah.

And I feel like Sean Hayes, Tim Meadows, like that's the top of that list.

Yeah. Oh man, it's going to be a fucking— I'm like pretending like it actually is happening. I'm like, oh man, it's going to be so fun. Yeah, we should have a Staying Alive rap party. We should make, uh, and put together a Staying Alive rap party.

That would be so good. No one would show up.

I know.

Stay alive.

Fuck.

You have been listening to Staying Alive with Jon Gabrus and Adam Pally, a Smartless Media production in association with SiriusXM,

produced by Devin Torrey Bryant and Anne Harris. Engineered and edited by Devin Tory Bryant, who also wrote the music.

Associate producer and video producer is Maddy McCann. Social media producer, Tommy Galgano.

Assistant engineer, Kyle McGraw.

Special thanks to Jared O'Connell at SiriusXM.

Executive producers are Jon Gabrus— ooh, me— Adam Pally— ooh, you— Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Richard Corson, and Bernie Kaminsky. Do us a favor, just rate and review the podcast.

It actually Just so everyone knows, we do not have a Discord.

Don't reach out to us.

See us on the street, walk the other way, or you'll catch hands.

I like— we should create a mystique around Jason now that he's the only boss that hasn't done it, that like he's kind of, uh, he, he's like, he's our, uh, we have beef with him.

Well, I emailed Jason to come on and he said he won't come on until we put a full blue tint on the video.

He says make it go, make it go Ozark.

Yeah, he needs it to be more Ozark.

Smart. Plus. Media.