Transcript of Listener Tales 105: Krampus Edition!

Hey, weirdos. I'm Crampus1.

And I'm Crampus, actually number one. Wow.

I was like, two. And this is Morbid.

This is Morbid Listener tales, holiday edition. What Crampus What does she think this is? I'm in my Crampus bud.

I'm in my crampus bud. I'm being a dick. I'm being a dick.

That's what crampus does. Okay. You do have the crillix.

I know. I have toe crillix and hand crillix. It's true. Handcrylix. I was very concerned that these be in the shot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That felt weird. Feet pics.

Free feet pics. Well, anyways, this is brought to you by you for you from you and all about you. And it's holiday themed, obviously. It's Mary.

It's Mary as fuck.

It's so bright.

Let's get into it. Let's get into it. You want to go first or you want me to? Why don't you go first? Okay. I'll let you be Crampus One for this. Thanks.

This is called Listener Tale. Our neighbor was a Dollar Tree, Florida man, but make it Alabama. I'm so glad I got to read this.

Oh, always me.

Oh, my God. At first I thought he said sexy, but he actually said succeed.

Oh, he said succeed.

Yeah, I don't know why. I like that. Is he telling me to succeed because he likes you better? Drip? He called you a drip. Well, drip nowadays is pretty cool. I got drip.

I don't know if Nicholas is up on the slang.

Are you doubting your man?

No, I just know he's an elder.

I don't know. I think he likes my drip. Anyway, Florida men.

Or he called you, he said a drip.

I've never even heard somebody be called a drip. Really?

Oh, damn. Well, I'm old.

I'm old. I mean, today we're both ancient. It's true. So my name is Andrea, and yes, you can use my name. I changed all other names in the tale for you. I'm a long time a super first-time emailer here. I had to send in this true crime/weird ass encounter that unfolded over several years ago while my family lived in Mobile, Alabama.

Mobile, Alabama.

Mobile, Alabama. It just makes me think, You have a baby in a bar? In a bar? It involves a sketchy neighbor, a literal water heist, a surprise home intruder, and a toddler conducting inflatable inspections during a SWAT standoff.

That's so much.

That's a wild ass sentence. This is a tale. Well, buckle up and hold on to your butts. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. So let's rewind around 2019 to 2022. My husband and I moved to Mobile, Alabama.

Mobile, Alabama.

Mobile, Alabama. Mobile, from Wichita, Kansas.

Oh, is it Mobile? Mobile? Mobile. Oh, fuck. Deb just helped us out here because... Shout out to Deb.

Holy shit. We've already got... Mobile. We've already gotten 18 emails.

Mobile, Alabama.

Mobile. Mobile. So we moved from Mobile to went from... We moved to Mobile from Wichita, It's all.

That's what we did.

My face is itchy. Okay. I was already in a culture shock. It's going to be hard to get out of that. Because of the mobile. Because of the mobile. Yeah. And I was soon to be in a neighbor shock as well. We bought our first house in a beautiful neighborhood. One acre lots and custom home builds. Gorgeous. Stone, maybe made of stone. I'm sure there was stone. Yeah, definitely stone.

He said stone walls even.

He said, watch out for the radon.

Call a mason.

I felt so grown up and I was living in my dream house. We lived next door to a man we'll lovingly call Steve.

Steve.

Steve was a vibe, and by that I mean chaotic energy with a side of felony. Oh, that is a vibe. It's some vibe. He had people coming and going from his house at all hours of the day and night, and he always seemed to be working on his fence, but only after dark. Oh. And he liked to randomly rev up his motorcycle in the middle of the night, not to go anywhere, just to make noise. That would annoy me. That would annoy the shit out of me. It was giving ritual sacrifice to the gas gods. At this time, we had an infant, and I dared Steve to wake that baby up. This mama was running on caffeine in rage, and I wasn't scared of prison. There were whispers that he'd been in and out of jail, but things got truly unhinged around COVID. That's when they got real unhinged for everybody. Why can't I come?

I'm going to pass it.

I was so excited to get another disgusting. And then it was so short-lived by, Why can't I come? That could be seen in so many lights. How does one recover from a question like that? Oh my God. Wow.

I'm literally crying. Tears.

I have a hair in my mouth.

I didn't know how to respond to that. We all responded the same.

It just kept happening. Disgusting. Why can't I come?

I was like, I don't know. It's not Steve. It's Nicholas. It's Steve. Nicholas. I'm so stressed.

I'm thinking about Steve. All right, let's get back to it. Let's get back to Steve. Nicholas, I'm So there were whispers that he had been in and out of jail, but things got truly unhinged around COVID. Like most people, I started going on daily sanity walks, and that's when I noticed Steve's trash was never getting picked up. Turns out our boy was stuffing his garbage into other people's like a raccoon with poor impulse control. There was trash everywhere. On the sidewalk in his yard, overflowing was an understatement. It got worse. The lights stopped turning on in his house, but someone was clearly still living there. One day, the gas and water companies came and padlocked his utilities off, physically chained them shut. Damn. Jeremy, my real-life Ted Lasso husband. I don't know what that means. Do you watch Ted Lasso?

I didn't watch Ted Lasso. Debbie?

What does that mean? Like a sweet, lovely man. A sweet, lovely man, says Deb. So, Jeremy and you were nosy as hell. So we kept tabs through our new security cameras. So one night we watched Steve lift the water main lid and cut off the padlock to work to turn his water back on.

I mean, he He's strong. He's a DIY-er.

I suppose. Yeah.

He's he's going for it.

That's crazy.

So there's that. He said, It's fine. I'll do it myself, I guess.

It's fine. Yeah. Just casually committing felonies like he was brushing his teeth. He ended up rigging a rain barrel on the side of his house to run into his kitchen. It was an eyesore, but do what you have to do, I guess.

Industrious.

And then the I was really going for that. I like that. I left for a gym run and saw a hose running from the fire hydrant to wait for it, his pool. Sir, that's not a legal plumbing choice. That's a felony. So I called up my Ted Lasso husband and I was like, This is illegal, right?

This can't be good, right? No.

He reported it to the fire department and the police. And spoiler alert, it was very illegal. Yeah. Now, listen, Steve's dating life was its own soap opera. Women came and women went like DoorDash deliveries. Live your truth, bro. Things got wild right before Christmas, 2020. Things always got wild around Christmas. They do. We had just put our toddler, we'll call him G, to bed and we're- G. G. G. G-unit. That's your baby. That's your baby. That's your baby. G-unit was in bed. And you guys were decompressing on the couch when suddenly, bang, bang, bang. More like, bang, bang, bang.

She went straight to the felonious- What we're talking about a felon. You were. You were like, bang, bang, bang.

Someone started yelling and banging on our front door. Jeremy flipped to the security cam, and there was Steve and his newest girlfriend who's trying to come into our house. No shoes, in shorts in winter. She's yelling, and he's trying to drag her home. Jeremy opens the door, Steve runs away, and she says, Can I come in? And You all should have said, Say it with me now, No. But I'm not judging. Jeremy, Saint, protector, golden retriever energy, told her, No. Good job. There you go. But offered to help. He grabbed his phone and an old hoodie for her, but when he came back outside, she was gone. She had vanished. I hate that. It turns out she wandered around the side of the house in total darkness. Like, why?

I'm scared. I don't know why. My immediate thought when you said she wandered around the house in total, I thought you said in total dark car. I thought that's what you were going to say.

I don't know why. She walked around and she just totaled her car. Why would she do that? I mean, why would she do anything, really?

I don't know. I have a slight migraine approaching. Oh, no. I think I'm in weird migraine land right now.

I was sitting to the side too long and it started to hurt.

It happens.

You can still see your feet. Oh, Polantis. Thank you. Thank goodness. Thank gosh. Thank, Crampus. Thank, Crimp, Crip. So she wandered to the side of the house to totally her God. Then Jeremy called the police who arrived and asked her why she tried to come in. Her answer, You have a baby. I knew you'd be nice and be home. That's very stranger-coated.

I was I was going to say I knew you would be nice and be home.

Lots of mean people have babies.

Ask my mom. And I'll be very nice to my baby and be very mean to you.

But I'm like, not everybody with a baby is a nice person. Like, hello? So Ma'am, you could have just asked a normal human. You did not have to break down our door. No. She ended up staying with her parents that night and was back with Steve two days later. Because of course. But wait, hold on to your butts. It's now Christmas, 2021, one year later. Oh, that's math. Steve is still up to his nonsense, arguing with girlfriends, being hunted by the repo man, building what can only be described as janky murder trailers in his driveway. People are still coming in and out of his house at all hours of the day and night. We all probably know what he was up to, right? Yeah. Yeah. He has a book club. Yeah. Our toddler G is now fully obsessed with inflatable yard decoration.

G-unit.

G-unit. So of course, our front yard looks like the Alabama Griswalds.

That's phenomenal.

I love that. We've got like 100 inflatable Santa, snowmen, and elves. It's a whole situation. Incredible. One evening, G and I are driving home, blasting Christmas music, and notice two cop cars behind me. I'm going the speed limit. I use my blinker. I'm wearing my seatbelt, but I'm sweating bullets anyway. Of course.

We've all been there. I am almost 40 years old, and every time I go inside a liquor store, I'm like, do I have my... I don't know if I should be here.

What if they call the police?

I feel like I'm going to get in trouble.

What? No, I hate that. Whenever anybody asks me to go, I'm like, No. Yeah, I feel bad.

I do. I feel bad.

Bad. I feel disgusting. They drive past me when I pull over. We get home and surprise. Those same two cruisers are now parked in front of Steve's house. I go inside and I Phil and Jeremy. We pull up the cameras and see two more police cars arrive. That's four total all at Steve's. They're knocking on his door, circling the house. G asks if we can go outside to look at his flatables. His flatables? Absolutely, buddy. Let's go look at those flatables.

It will vacuum the lawn while we're outside.

While we're out there, one officer even walks over to us and asks if Steve is home. I'd be like, I don't know.

I don't know Steve.

I don't know Steve's life. Jeremy, who's still working from home, tells him, yeah, his truck has just hidden behind the fence to dog to the repo guy. Because of course it is. So Steve had been home for at least 15 to 20 minutes. The officer thanked us and then radios for backup? Two minutes later, sirens. We watched them fly down the road to behind our house. When they stopped, We realized there are now two cop cars at the front of the neighborhood, two more blocking the end of our street, and at least 10 in our cul-de-sac. Huh. Ten. Ten. For Steve. Uh-oh. At this point, officers started pulling on tactical vests, like full-on swap gear. Uh-oh. Jeremy and I decided it was now time to get the tiny boy in the house. G-unit is understandably upset that he had to pause his nightly inflatable inspection. Flatable. But we distracted him with macaroni and cheese, as one does during a neighborhood swath standoff.

That's all you really can do.

We're in the middle of dinner and are glued to the camera channel on the TV. After a 15-minute tent standoff and us low-key watching the entire thing like a true-crime-reality show, the police arrested Steve. Turns out earlier that week, he had been towing a friend's car with rope. The rope snapped, the car veered into oncoming traffic, and a family of five was seriously injured. Oh my God. And of course, our boy Steve fled the scene.

Steve, you got to get it the fuck together.

You can't just enter a family of five like that and steal from the fire hydrants.

You can't.

It's felonious.

Felonious.

Yeah. See, I knew you weren't going to let that go either.

Can't let that one go. You're so crampus. I can't do it. I'm I'm a crampus, but I'm also a Capricorn. I can't let that go.

You said felonius? Yeah, no. That goes crazy. So that's why the SWAT team came. Not because of the fire hydrant, not because of the trash crimes, not even the illegal pool water, because he literally caused a crash and then ran. We moved not long after. I think about Steve every Christmas when I see inflatable Santas, and every time I hear a motorcycle rev after 9: 00 PM, a small part of my soul leaves my body. Thanks for reading this truly unhinged tale. Stay weird, but not cutting your water padlock and filling your pool with fire hydrant before getting arrested by spot on Christmas weird. Love you all like Steve loves breaking every single law. From Andrea.

I'm going to use that now. I love you like Steve loves breaking every single law.

That was too good.

Steve is wild. Nicholas is right.

Andrea, I hope you're a better neighbor now.

Yeah, you were correct to move, like Nicholas said. Yeah. But Steve sounds like a hoot.

And a half.

Until he injured a family of five.

Yeah. It's It felt like he was just very handy.

What?

Curst? He was very cursed. Curst. It does sound like he was a little cursed. He was very cursed. He had a cursed energy.

Nicholas is literally on point here. I just want to point that out.

He really is.

He's here. He's doing the damn thing. We were struggling. We were like, he's really? And he says cursed. Curst. He said, bitch is cursed.

Is that the word you're looking for?

Sounds like he's cursed.

And it was.

It was. All right. I liked that. Andrea. Love you. Long time. I'm glad you moved.

I wonder if it's Andrea. Andrea. Andrea. That would have worked so well last Listener tales. It would have.

This next one is Listener tales, my so-called out-of-body experience. Hello, ladies. My name is Nicole, and I am no longer a new listener. I almost said Lou-nissener. Lou-nissener. A Lou-nissener. As I started following your podcast February 2023, and it is now September 2024.

Actually, Nicole, now it's December 2025, so you're the oldest listener.

So old. So old. I've been sitting on this...

Mikey says you're not.

He's like, That's not how time works. I've been sitting on this email for a while now. I love the show. I can't imagine how much time and effort goes into researching the stories. Thank you so much. Thank you for doing all the hard work, so I do not have to. Although I feel like I have a pretty solid working knowledge of most things morbid, you provide so much content and context. I'm ashamed to admit I was at first put off by the sideline banter and laughter of the show. Nicole. However, I quickly realized that all those giggles are the perfect palate cleanser since the subject matter can be so harrowing.

We're glad you came to the right side, Nicole. Thank you.

A million apologies for not immediately recognize the artistry.

Okay, I love you. I forgive you. Half a million accepted. I forgive you.

I shall never doubt either of you again. And I will never doubt you, Nicole, okay?

We're friends now. I won't either.

We're friends now. It's over. Why are you here?

Nicholas actually wants to know why you're here.

So Nicholas isn't as quick to forgive. We'll work on him, okay? But one more thing before getting into my tale, the chemistry you two is off the charts.

She's all right. Wow.

How well you know and love each other really shines through. You can tell Ash is Elaina's biggest cheerleader. Elaina is Ash's biggest cheerleader. It's true. It's refreshing to hear two women who are so encouraging and proud of each other.

I almost hit you right in the face. Hold on, it's the wrong hand. We need a better one. Hold on, wait, wait.

There it is. There it is. Okay, that first one was Okay, enough of the ass kissing. That wasn't ass kissing. That was great. That was just kind. I came here to tell a story, so here we go. Tell it. My tale begins in a long ago year of… Oh, 2001. Damn.

2000 and one.

Isn't that 10 years ago? What? I was 19 years old and it was New Year's Eve. My boyfriend Alec, my sister Diana, and her boyfriend Pete, along with our friend Tina, decided to be responsible teenagers by staying at our dad's house instead of running all over town drinking and smoking weed like the rest of our friends. Good job. However, it was New Year's Eve, and we decided we would take some magic mushrooms and watch some WWEE special while ringing in the New Year.

That's pretty iconic.

Yes, hallucinogens mixed with wrestling. Don't tell me we didn't know how to get down back in those early odds. I'd love to be able to tell you that the girls and I were wearing velour tracksuits and tracker hats to really help paint the picture. Alas, I cannot.

Oh, man.

I remember distinctly I was wearing a pair of jeans, low-cut flares, of course, and a loud, horizontally-striped shirt. You may think, who cares what this chick was wearing? But trust me when I say, I'll bring it back before the end of the story.

It was the stripes, wasn't it?

It was. I had taken mushrooms twice before. Each time was fun, but I may have had some allergic reaction the second time because the morning after, I had a rash all over my chest and upper arms. Oh, shit. The rash wasn't raised up, but my skin blanched when I pressed on it. So honestly, I didn't think much of it. I just wore a long sleeve shirt, and the next day, the rash was gone. At the time, I didn't correlate the to the shrooms. Later, I would wish I had. Oh, no. A few months after the second dalliance with the magic fun guy, my dad tells my sister and me he's going out of town for New Year's Eve, or for New Year's, but that we can stay at his place and party or whatever. He doesn't want to worry about us being on the roads going from party to party. It was actually pretty nice. It was a nice offer. My dad had a large screen TV in his basement and plenty of places for us all to crash, so we took him up on it. I'm not sure if we told him ahead of time what substances we were planning to indulge in, but I don't think it would have mattered as my dad was a partier himself.

We were all just happy to have a safe place to trip out at. Finally, the big night is here, and all five of us eat peanut butter sandwiches, talked with a few mushroom caps, and off we go.

I feel like that's a frequent thing for people that do Shrooms. They put them on peanut butter sandwiches. I think because... I've never done them, but I think they taste really bad. Remember that show Love? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's how they do Shrooms on there, remember? Oh, okay.

Everything starts off fine. About a half hour after eating our shroom sandwiches, I feel a slight body buzz, and the colors of the room seem to be different than I remember. The TV also looks like it's getting further away from me. I would die. I want to be clear about that. I would die on shrooms.

Just that. Yeah, I've never done Shrooms, but I did once. How do you... Can you say, I've done YouTube?

I have no idea. Nicholas fucking can't stand that. What did he say? He said, Revolting. Wow.

Okay, Nicholas. One time I gardened and I think my gardening substance was laced because I found myself inside of a VCR box. For real. So while I haven't done shrooms, maybe I have. Instead of a VCR box? What does that mean? Not a VCR box. You remember those old Comcast? It came with your TV. Cable box? Cable box. And it had the orange writing. Oh, yeah. I was inside of it looking out in my head. Really, I was sitting on a couch.

Yeah, you weren't actually in the cable box.

I also fell down the stairs at the house that I was at before that, and they shut the lights off, and I thought that I was blind. So I can relate to this. Even though I didn't do Shroomies. Yeah.

I mean, damn.

Don't do substances. Don't garden unless it's the real gardening.

Like Nicholas just said, revolting. So the TV looks like it's getting further away from me. I would die. As if the whole room is being extended out. It seems like the trip is starting and I wait for some additional visuals to hit me. Before anything else psychedelic happens, there's some sisterly drama which happened between Diana and me.

Oh, not during shrooms.

I do not remember what caused it, but I remember thinking she got really attitudey with me for no reason, and it really pissed me off. Oh, no. Now, for anyone who has done hallucinogens, you know that something like this can totally play with your mind, and you can go from nice happy trip to strange scary trip super quickly. I start to internalize things and get in my own head. And that's when things go wrong. The room now seems to be shrinking in on me. I can literally feel it getting smaller and there's blackness clouding my peripheral vision. It starts slowly but picks up speed and then wham. Nothing but complete darkness surrounding me.

I didn't even read this before. You went blind, too?

I sense this darkness, but I can't see or hear anything at this point. I'm not sure how long this lasted, but I don't think it was more than a minute or two. My senses slowly start to come back. At first, I can hear my sister and are crying. I can hear Alec. He's saying my name and asking if I can hear him. Then I can start to see, and I'm looking right at the drop ceiling of my dad's basement. My face is only inches from it. I know this is weird because I'm not tall, and I should not be this close to any ceiling anywhere. So now I can hear and see, but I can't feel anything. In fact, I do not even feel like I have a body. I have this sensation of just floating in the air. I reach my arm out, touch the ceiling tile, but I can't feel it. I try to turn away from the ceiling It's difficult because I cannot feel my body, so I'm not really sure how to move. I liken this feeling to having dental work done. You know when your mouth is numb and you try to eat or put chapstick on, but you can't really do it because you can't feel your lips.

This was very similar. I hate that feeling. I hate that, too. Somehow I got myself turned around, and to my surprise, I can see everyone. They're all standing below me. The girls are holding each other and crying. Pete is standing nervously next to Diana and not sure what's going on or what he can do to help her, Tina or me. The strangest thing of all is that I can see myself as if it's from someone else's perspective. I'm looking down at Alec. He's holding me in his arms as if we were newlyweds, and he is ushering me across the threshold of the bridal sweep. Romance. I see myself with my head thrown back, legs dangling, and I'm confused. That can't be me, can it? But it is. I know it is because I'm looking down at the loud, horizontally-striped shirt I wore for the Magic Mush trip. That shirt was ugly, even for 2001. This is wild, and I realized I must be having an out-of-body experience. I can hear and see everything going on in the room, but not from my own eyes in my own body. I'm seeing this all happen as I'm floating/hovering above everyone and everything in that room.

This all happened pretty quickly, so not long after my realization, something even more strange happens. I can feel myself being sucked back to the Earth, back into my own body. The ceiling retreats from my view. I can feel the rush of air around me, and I feel my spirit and my physical body becoming one again. It happens fast, and I go from seeing everything from a bird's eye perspective to being transported back into my body with a slightly jarring slam. Boom. My eyes fly open. I can feel Alec holding me. Diana rushes to my side and yells, Her eyes are open. And she's grabbing me and crying all over again, all over me, hugging me.

I bet she regreted giving you an attitude.

I bet she did. As I start to come to, I can tell my friends are relieved. They settle me on the couch and tell me their version of what happened. Diana knew she acted like a bitch, so she looked at me to make amends. But she said she could tell something was wrong right away. I didn't look good. My eyes weren't focused and I wasn't responding as she tried to talk to me. Then, apparently, my eyes rolled to the back of my head as I passed out and slumped over onto Alex. Holy shit. That's when they all started freaking out. Alex slapped my cheeks a couple of times, and then when I didn't react, he lifted me off the couch. I think the move was to get me upstairs to a car or to call an ambulance, but then I woke up. I mentioned earlier that I may have had an allergic reaction to mushrooms. Oh, right. Well, I didn't get a rash this time, but for the next 4-5 hours, I was in the bathroom puking my guts out. I've never, ever vomited that much in my life. I mean, all I could do was lie on the floor in the bathroom in my dad's basement and heave all night long.

Every time I thought I was done, I wasn't. It just kept coming. But hey, at least I was on the ground not getting sick from eight feet in the air.

That would have been so exorcist-coated as you.

So maybe I do have an allergy to natural psychedelics. And after my ethereal body rejoined my physical one, that puke was my body's way of ridding itself of the allergens. I don't know, but I never did shrooms again. Good job. I'm known in my circle of friends for being a bit of a bullshitter. I embellish and exaggerate to prove a point or tell a good story. I call it. But the next morning when I recounted this one to Alec, Diana, Pete, and Tina, they 100% believed me. I don't know why. It's not like anything if it happened while I was unconscious that I could point to and prove I was there on some level. It all just happened so quickly. There honestly isn't all that much to tell, but I'm convinced of what happened, and I guess they knew me well enough to know it wasn't a tall tale. Sometimes the truth just rings clear and people know when they hear it. Now, here's the part which prompted me to write into you guys. Last year, my dad was over and we were reminiscing about our younger years. Well, this story came up again. He'd probably already heard it at least twice before.

Anyhow, after I'd wrapped up, my dad looks at me and says, What if it wasn't an out-of-body experience? What if you were...

Sensible.

Sensible.

That is sensible.

What if you were checking out but then turned around and came back?

That's what I was thinking. Were you dying? Yeah.

I was stunned for a minute. My own dad was alluding to the fact that I may have been dying and then, for whatever reason, didn't head towards the bright white light, but instead plummeted back to Earth. You guys- Crazy decision. I had never thought about it like that before. And I got to tell you, it scared the living shit out of me. Those two sentences changed my whole perspective on that experience. I told that story 20 times over the years and always in a self-appreciatingly jokey-type fashion. Oh, look at me, the girl so allergic to magic mushrooms that pass out and have an out-of-body experience. Now I can hardly stand the thought because it isn't even very fun to think that as my dad so lovingly put, I was checking out. Maybe it was both. I mean, I suppose it's possible that I could have had an out-of-body experience and then die.

I think most people have- I think so, too. Out-of-body experiences before they die. Probably.

Or that you have an out-of-body experience on your way to dying and then come back to life. I'm no expert on the matter. It was a super strange experience, and I wanted to share with you guys and the listeners. Thank you for the time. Love you both and the show. Two things before I go. One, I love when Ash says, Oh, absolutely. Anytime I hear anyone else say that, it reminds me of Morgan. I love that. Especially the Long Island Lolita show with Bayly Sarian. Ash said, Oh, absolutely. So many times at the end of that episode. Go back and check it out. She probably says it like eight times.

I was admittedly so star struck the first time. Honestly, the first and second time we recorded with Bayly Sarian. I probably said some crazy shit.

She is one of the sweetest people.

One of the nicest people we've ever met.

Two, do you have any plans to cover the Asha Degree case? Maybe you already have, and I missed it. It's just totally mind boggling. I'm haunted by it. I think you guys would do a really great job covering it. Thank you. Thanks, Asha and Elaina. Have a good one and hope you keep it weird, but not so weird. You take illegal drugs in your dad's basement man cave and pass out and have an out-of-body experience and maybe almost die.

We won't keep it that weird.

The Asha case, I don't think we've covered it. I don't think we have. But I do want to cover that case for sure. All right.

Absolutely.

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely. That one was scary. I think you might have almost died.

I think you did.

I wonder, are you allergic to just actual mushrooms? Maybe. I don't know what's in magic mustard. It's just chemicals, isn't it?

I have no idea. Well, it's natural. Oh, it is? Yeah. Aren't they natural?

I think it depends what ones you are.

I don't know. No, I think mushrooms are like natural psychedelics.

Oh, yeah. Yellow jackets. Yeah.

See.

Wow. So I don't know. Damn. Maybe you're allergic to mushrooms and psychedelics. Maybe. I don't know. Who knows? Next one is, Listener Story, Anya the Ghost, A Christmas Tale.

I love Anya.

It should be a Crampus Tale. Crampus. Hey, Asha and Elaina. Hey. I just I just want to say how much I love your show. Thank you. Oh my God. You're the first podcast I ever listen to, and I just can't get enough. My BFF and I are obsessed and get together when new episodes come out to listen and discuss. You guys have kept me going through tough days at work and in quarantine. Oh, God, no. I'll keep the fangirling to a minimum because this is, sorry not sorry, going to be a long one. So get comfy and hold on to your butts. Hold on. To preface, this story really has nothing to do with Christmas, but my neighbor has our small neighborhood over for a Christmas dinner every year. And for For the last couple of years, her sister, who is also addicted to morbid now, has requested this story. So for the last couple of years, we've gathered around the Christmas tree and I tell the tale of Anya the Ghost. First, I'd like to make it clear that I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to ghosts and paranormal stuff. This is the incident that made me change my mind, and now I'm very much of the opinion that the dead can leave an imprint on this world.

Here it goes. Let's go. After nine years of fucking around being in and out of school, I finally graduated college with my four-year degree. I'm actually using it now. Congratulations. To celebrate, my then-boyfriend, now husband and I, decided to do a six-week backpacking trip on the Colorado Trail. It's a 485-mile trail from Denver to Durango. I know fresh air is for dead people, but we really like the outdoors and sun, and exercise works better for me than prosack. Anyway, after several weeks on the trail, we were about four or five days out from reaching our destination of Durango, Colorado. After a long day's hiking, we found a nice campsite by a creek just off the trail and settled in for the evening. We had just finished up dinner and Josh, my husband, and Doug Sunshine, R-I-P, Sunny Girl. Sorry. We were in the tent chilling for a second while sitting by the fire. Keep in mind that Sunshine was the dog that would bark at people for approaching her house, in this case, the tent. It was about 8: 30 in the evening in July, so the days were long, but the sun was starting to set and it was the gray dusk hour.

We were all minding our own business, enjoying the solitude and distinct lack of people. Suddenly and quietly, a woman comes around the corner past our campsite. Not super weird until I see she's not wearing shoes, has no pack, no water bottle, no jacket, nothing except the clothes on her back. Just a black cotton T-shirt and black cotton Caprice.

It's a cute outfit. It is.

I think this is super fucking weird, but hey, it's Colorado, and there's plenty of people that go in the woods and get weird and talk to trees and shit like that. I'm one of those people. I don't judge. So I think, huh? Weird. But whatever. She's probably just tripping her face off and is camping down the trail a little way.

More mushrooms.

Streamies. As she's walking past the camp site, she stops abruptly and looks at me and says, Are you not Kaitlyn? I say, no. But internally- I also love like, Are you not Caitlin? It's like, imagine if you were Caitlin.

I'm not a lot of things. I'm not- I'm not that.

I'm not this. I say, No. But internally, I'm super weirded out because that's my sister-in-law's name. She says, Never mind. And then continues down the trail. I'm just left thinking, Huh? Okay, that was weird. And maybe the name thing was just a coincidence. At this point, Josh comes out of the ten and asks who I was talking to. I explain what happened, and he said, weird. I wonder why Sunshine didn't bark. We chalk it up to just some weirdness, and we're having a night by the fire. Having a nightcap by the fire. In case you don't know, they make juice box-sized wine, and it's delicious and great for backpacking.

I I didn't know that.

I didn't know that either. So we're hanging by the fire, drinking our juice box wine when who comes back walking back around the corner? Anya? The barefoot woman. That woman. It is Anya, I bet. I bet. She comes around the corner and says, may I share the warmth of your fire for a moment? I hate that. I'd say you can make the warmth of your own fire, babe.

It's the way she asked. Yeah, it's a little freaky. I would have been like, oh, no. No.

This is my warmth. No. I got all the warmth. This is my warmth.

Can't have any of it.

Josh and I look at each other and say, Sure. So this random lady comes over to the fire and sits across from us and doesn't say a word and just stares into the fire. No. No. Uh-uh.

No.

As soon as she sat down, we both got uneasy and had a bad feeling about her. We noticed she's pretty clean for wandering around the woods with no shoes. She had no dirt on her feet or her hands, and her T-shirt and her Caprice were both clean. This whole time, Sunshine is in the tent a few feet away, not making a peep, when normally she would have demanded to come out and meet this person. Josh and I were just looking at one another like, What the fuck is this barefoot bitch doing at dusk with no form of supplies?

Who is this barefoot bitch?

I like barefoot bitch, Tiam.

I like that.

So we were asking questions, and the following is my recollection of possibly the strangest conversation I've ever been a part of. Nikola says, Meet. Me. So what's your name? Her. Anya. You're right. Josh, where are you from? Anya. I lived in Rico for quite some time now. Me. Struggle.

It is a struggle. It feels like a struggling conversation.

Conversating is struggling in general. It is. Me. Where are you going? Anya looks up from the fire and directly at me. Her eyes were the blackest black I have ever seen. Like, there was no definition between Irish and pupil. It's like the black-eye children. Oh, no.

The black-eye Anyas. No. They're worse.

The black-eye pees.

Even worse.

Without Fergie, forget it. She says, If I I told you, it wouldn't make any sense.

Okay. I'm already annoyed that she wants to share the warmth of my fire.

Now she's lacking her intelligence.

You're like, You know what? If I told you it would make sense. Don't assume. Yeah. Don't assume I won't understand your otherworldly travels.

I'll get it, Anya.

Don't assume. It makes the ass out of you and definitely not me. Anya. Anya.

The hair on the back of my neck was on end. And inside my head, all I could think was, What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Who is this chick? And then Josh says, Well, the sun's setting. And she turns to him and says, I'm deathly afraid of the dark. I'd be like, Then what the fuck are you doing? Wandering in the woods, Anya.

You got to go.

You got to go. Be careful.

Honestly.

He's on another level this episode.

He's like, Anya, be careful, girl.

He's so on spot.

Yeah, he's on it.

Josh and I look at each other like, What the fuck? What the fuck? I mean, we really had nothing to say. So we were just like, Then just as suddenly as she came, Anya stands up and says, Thank you for sharing your fire. And then walks down the trail. Like, you're well.

The fuck, Anya?

Again, Josh and I look at each other like, What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? And then Anya was gone. Nicholas just goes, I'm haunted.

Honestly, they're haunted as well. Yeah.

That night we didn't sleep. We just laid in the tent holding our knives, listening to every sound, hoping it wasn't Anya. Holding our knives. And listening to every sound, hoping it wasn't Anya.

Honestly.

The next morning, we're looking at our map to see where she could have come from or gone to. Where did you come from?

Where did you go? Where did you come from? Anya your Ghost.

Black-eyed Anya. Anya the Ghost. Especially since she wasn't even wearing shoes. Yeah. The town of Rigo was 13 miles away by trail, in the direction she left, the closest Jeep road was like five miles. So to even get to a remote road, she would have had to walk five miles in the dark with no shoes.

She's deathly afraid in the dark.

Yeah, and barefoot. In case you forgot. So this check walked a minimum of 18 miles with no shoes in the remote mountains of Colorado? Yeah. Even if she made it to the Jeep road, it would have been another 11 miles down that road to a paved road. We thought maybe she had a campsite down the way. Yeah. But the next morning, we saw no signs of any other human. Not a footprint, not an ember in a fire ring, not a single sign that Anya had ever actually existed. It was like she just vanished. To this day, we believe she was a malicious spirit because we honestly- That is sad. And bad. And bad. Yeah. Because we honestly have no other explanations. There was nowhere she could have gone. And to this day, her words echo in my head. If I told you, it wouldn't make any sense. Yeah. Maybe she couldn't tell us because she was on drugs. But I person is. Maybe. My hands hurt so much.

What a valid, what a valid little like left turn. Maybe she couldn't tell us because she was on drugs. I don't know.

But I personally believe she was trapped in this area between the realms of the living and the dead.

I think that is what happened.

Yeah, probably. So that's my story. Hope you weirdos enjoyed it. And hopefully me and my BFF will see you at your Denver show as soon as COVID stops being a huge bummer. Love you, ladies. Keep it weird, but not so weird that you wander aimlessly into a super remote mountains with no shoes and freak out poor unsuspecting backpackers. Lots of weirdness. Kelsey.

Kelsey.

Kelsey. That was a crazy one And you're funny.

And you will not see a site, The Denver Show. Yeah, I was going to love that. And COVID is going to take a long time. In fact, it's still here. From the future, I can tell you it's going to be a while.

Helena just had COVID.

It's going to be a while. Yeah. We're just still up in here getting it. Yeah, it's never going to go But I think Anya was a ghost.

I think so, too. I don't know if she was malicious. Maybe she was just like, I don't know if you would get it because I'm from planet Zorg.

I think that's probably it.

Maybe she was an alien.

I would have been a little put off by, you understand.

I feel like- Maybe she said, you couldn't understand.

But you're not even giving me a chance.

I know. You should ask follow-up questions.

Yeah, you should. But that's okay. I forgive you. I forgive you as well. So the next one is Listenertale. The time a crazy, possibly abusive asshole found my holiday light warm and inviting.

That's the last person you want to find your light.

Don't want that. Hey, weirdos. I'd be ecstatic if you use my name. It's Payton. Oh, that's such a cute name. Hey, Payton.

It's my favorite Celtic.

Payton, Payton, Payton. Below, I have included a 14-point double-space putipha about the time a crazy, possibly abusive asshole found our holiday lights were warm and inviting. But before we start, I have to get my fan girling out by telling you guys that you're the You're the coolest friends I've ever had. You're the coolest friend I've ever had. Even though you haven't known of my existence until now, I pretty much exclusively listen to you guys because something about the pitch of your voices mixed with the true crime stories and the totally relatable, slightly explicit banter is the only thing that can hold the focus of my anxiety-ridden ADD mind.

See, Nicole, people like the banter. Hell, yeah. Just kidding, Nicole. I love you.

We love you, Nicole. Also, Elaina, you've survived more flights than you're aware of because I've never traveled without at least 20 episode this downloaded. So my indecisive ass has all the options while cruising at 35,000 feet. That actually really helps me. Thank you. Yeah. And, Ash, I cannot wait to drool over you and Andrew's wedding photos. I know whatever dress you choose is going to slay, and I can't wait to see it. Thank you. You did slay. You slayed. Here is the obligatory forewarning that while my analytical brain has helped me complete two bachelor's degrees in the sciences, hell yeah, it hasn't left an ounce of room for creative writing unless it involves human anatomy or spores, mold, and fun guy. So bear with me. I would call that pretty creative. Yeah, I would say so. Lastly, this is a long one, but I promise it's worth it. For a little background, my husband and I currently live in the Pacific Northwest with our German shepherd, Nola, a tribute to New Orleans, Louisiana. Because that's where your girl is originally from. Elaina, every time you talk about your love for New Orleans, I get all 14-year-old girl in the '90s at a Hilary Deff concert excited because I can totally relate.

I love that.

That's another reason you need to watch Interview with a vampire.

That's true because it's literally Nola. That's Because I love that book. It's a new thing in this room. Everybody's watching an interview with a vampire. So good. Now I got to watch it because I loved the book. Oh, so good. My husband, we'll call him C for the privacy of his job, is a green beret in the army. Damn. Now, for those unfamiliar with military life, green berets can be compared to the Navy Seals of the army, except on land. In other words, he's a total badass, but I may be a little biased and proud. You have a right to be proud.

And he gets to wear a fashion statement.

That's true. Let me take you back I come and go. I come and go. He said, You know what? Maybe I'll be back.

He was in a place of the '80s, Karma Chamaeleon.

There you go. I come and go.

Nicholas comes and goes. He comes and goes.

I like that. That was really quick.

Thank you.

It took me a second, and then it really hit.

He was in a place of like, raspberry bourre over there instead of green bourre. Yes.

He's a Prince fan. So we're going to take you back in time to a week night, about five days before Christmas, and we were just lounging on our couch at 9: 00 PM, watching murder documentaries to wind down so we can have a long, peaceful sleep, feeling totally safe and dreaming of sunny days in flower fields. To be like that. There's a knock at the door, and we both look at each other like, What did you order that requires me to talk to someone in person at 9: 00 at night? Because honestly, the best thing that came out of 2020 was contactless delivery.

Oh my God. Preach. Honestly.

Nola starts to alert barking as if she wouldn't immediately roll on her back for belly rubs for whoever is on the other side of the door. That's like Dolores. It's important to note that because Cee leaves her work for months at a time, and I'm a true crime lover, I have this house locked up like Fort Knox. Sensors on every door and window, motion detectors inside and outside the house, curtains on all windows and a panic button next to the bed. But we don't have outdoor cameras. What? So because the curtains are pulled, there's no way to see who's at the door unless we were going to creepily peek through the curtains.

Got to get you a ring camera.

Which would be the sensible thing to do. But I don't want the person that showed up to my house at night uninvited to think I'm rude. I wait for C to get up and see who's there because hello, it's 9: 00 PM, so I definitely don't have a bra on. Relatable. And when he opens the door, I saw his face change to pure terror as he screamed, The fuck? Jeez. Not a full sentence, but hey, words are hard. On the other side of our front door is a middle-aged male shirtless with one shoe on, covered in blood from head to belly button. The first words he said were, The cops are on their way. I swear I love my wife. Was your first thought, Oh, shit. He murders his wife? Yes. Yes. Ours, too.

What the fuck?

Cee now has his full body behind the door, just with his eyes peaking out as the man continues, Help, please help. The cops are on their way. I just need somewhere to wait. No. No.

You need to go somewhere else.

I run and lock myself in the bathroom because Cee has trained his whole life for this and has the situation under control, right? I proceed to call the cops to ensure that they're on their way and listen to the remainder of the conversation through the door. The stranger proceeds to give us his full name and address. Apparently, he lives just down the road. He says that he and his wife got in a fight and the cops are coming.

I'm like, Why'd you choose our door? Eke.

He continues by saying that he does not want to run. He just wants to wait in our front yard before they arrive. C then asks the man, Why our house? That was exactly your question. To which the stranger replies, The Christmas lights just It looked warm and inviting.

Are you fucking... Fuck, I got to turn my lights off.

At this point, C shoots me a look that says, We're never putting Christmas lights up again.

I would be so fucking angry at this man. I'd be like, Fuck you. Because that would be Drew's exact response.

C assures the stranger that everything will be okay and tells the stranger that they will wait for the cops together. Cee steps outside with the stranger and locks the door behind him so that I'm safely secured inside the home. I married a literal saint. You did. The cops arrive shortly after and Cee tells them everything he knows as the man continues to sit on our fucking lawn. I said fucking, she didn't.

Yeah, get him off your lawn.

The police take over the situation and Cee comes back inside where we sit for another hour watching through our window as fire trucks, ambulances, and three more police cars arrive.

I would be so pissed off if somebody created a stir in my neighborhood. Like, that's at my fucking house.

It's 9: 00 PM.

My husband, who is not home all the time, is home.

I have no bra on. We're about to sit down and watch TV. I'm with my dad. I Probably have a snack.

Yeah. Just made some tea.

I probably under blanket.

Probably had all my cats on me.

And this motherfucker is out here interrupting me.

You're really trying to remember this.

Yeah. This motherfucker is interrupting me. And now I have an entire Cops episode happening on my front lawn. And I can't not watch that.

That's the thing. Oh, yeah, that's the other thing. But then the next day, if you take a walk in your neighborhood, everybody's going to be like, what the fuck happened in your house last night?

What happened in your house last night? That's the thing. And you're like, it wasn't even me. I didn't even do it. It wasn't even me. Good story, though. But I'd be so mad because it's like you sit down, you want to watch the new episode of Stranger Things, and then this is happening outside on your front lawn. You're like, well, I have to watch this. And nothing's happening, probably. It's just cop cars showing up and ambulances. But you're like, it's bright lights. I got to watch it. I'm a human.

That's like a dog. I mean, at least it's some form of entertainment. Recently, me and Drew watched down, watched down. Hello. Sat down to watch a TV show, and somebody flushed our toilet upstairs and the entire thing started raining through the kitchen ceiling. And we were like, well, I guess we're not watching Righteous Gemstones because we had to turn the electricity the off. And there was nothing to watch. So I would prefer this man sitting on my lawn. That's different.

Yeah, that is different. I will say that. I just know that usually when like, shenanigans happen on your front lawn or outside of your house and it's just cop cars showing up, in the end, you're like, why did I sit and watch that? Nothing really happened.

Nothing ever really happens. But you got to watch in case it's the one time that something does happen.

That's true. That's very true. So we're watching as all those things arrive. Things begin to wrap up and the ambulance takes the man away and the other police officers begin to leave. We barely catch the last officer before he gets in his patrol car like, Hey, is everything okay? Are we safe? Is the wife alive? To which he replies, Everything is okay. Have a good night.

I'd be like, You're leaving I place a record of the residence. I'm going to need a little more information.

And I'd also be like, Do you want to talk to me?

Are we safe?

Are we good?

You got one of the bad ones.

So he said, Yeah, it's fine. Have a good night. I'd be like, Go fuck yourself. Yeah, exactly. And drives away. C and I are left in the doorway like, What the fuck just happened? Are we safe to go to bed? Is this man going to come back tonight and go full cycle on our ass? Do we know too much? Is he a threat? We didn't get any sleep that night and not much in the days to follow. I wouldn't either. I don't believe you. I was so toed. Thankfully, our backyard neighbor is an officer in the jurisdiction, and he was able to fill us in a few days later.

You got to have those connects.

It's convenient. The stranger had come home from work earlier that evening, and his wife was on the phone with her father. The stranger didn't get along with his father-in-law, so he got drunk and started a fight with his wife, as one does.

She can't talk to her dad.

As one does. He became so frustrated that he banged his own face into a wall, breaking his nose, and then called the cops himself and said that his wife hit him.

Oh, you mother Fucker.

This asshole proceeded to run down the street shirtless with one shoe in 25 degree Pacific Northwest weather and picked our house, assuming that he looked like a victim and we would corroborate his story. But he was sorely disappointed when he knocked on the of a green beret whose entire life is training to differentiate threats from sincerity and could see that he was a lying piece of shit that was not a victim. Hell, yes, C. So there is the story of how my holiday lights invited a crazy asshole over at 9: 00 PM on a weeknight. Don't worry. I have since added five outdoor cameras. Yay. To complete my Fort Knox system, and I'm working on a plan on how to convince C to let me decorate again this year. Oh, he better. Thanks for listening, and I hope you keep it weird, but not so weird that you get mad at your spouse for talking to the man that gave them life and Come belligerently drunk, breaking your own nose on a wall and calling the cops to frame your spouse and run to your neighbor's shirtless and shoeless in 25 degree weather to have them corroborate your story, but come off as a terrifying threat and keep them up an hour past their bedtime on a work night while you sit on their lawn, covered in blood, and make them question their holiday decorating choices.

Don't keep it that motherfucking weird.

Don't. Don't do it. Oh, you guys are so cute. Oh my God. Look how adorable you are. And Nola. You guys are adorable. And Nola Oh, Nola.

I'm obsessed. Nola.

Nola is a star.

What a beautiful family.

And this is Nola who thinks she's terrifying, but she's really just a sound alarm and most cuddly companion of all. I love that.

I love her.

Oh, my God. You guys are beautiful.

More pictures of how adorable you are.

I love it. You know what? One thing I can say about my doggies is that they're the cutest little smushy boofings in the entire world. They will fuck your shit up. They'll fuck your shit up.

And they can jump like crazy. Blanche has springs in her back feet. She did it to me excitedly today, but I was like, If she was mad at me and did this, she would kill me.

Yeah, truly. Like, John will pretend to tickle me or the girls, and Blanche forgets all love she has for him and will dive from the other room and bite him. Yeah. Yeah.

I get it.

But only it's like she know they're two girlies, so they keep an eye out for the men.

Yeah. Yeah. It's true. I think Dolo senses the paranormal because lately she's just walking into our kitchen randomly when there's nothing there. I like that. And I check the outside cameras, no one's there. Good for her.

She's in touch. That's a real good for her moment. It is. I like that about her.

So weirdos, Merry Christmas, Happy Chrysler, New Year's, and all that stuff. Next week we're going to be off, but you won't know it because we're going to be releasing Elaina's favorites. We did the week of Thanksgiving with my favorites. December, it's Elaina's birth month. It's the holidays. It's your fucking birthday.

The high holidays. Yeah, that's a high holiday.

Oh, high holiday. So it's her favorites, and those are going to be good. And then when we get back, I think Listener tales have been on a couple of different days lately, but they'll be back to the last Thursday of every month.

Yes. Starting in January. So be there or be square. Cramp is for life.

And we hope you keep listening. And we hope you Keep it weird. But not so weird that you don't have the happiest holiday season. Yes.

Nicholas said, Revolting. Who did?

Whoa.

We need that little clip. Yeah.

Nicholas. I'm just going to let you talk to him from now on. I feel like he actually talks to you.

He does. We just had a moment.

I can do the S days and you can talk to...