Transcript of Episode Revisit: Santa’s Dark Helpers

Hey, weirdos. I'm Elaina.

And I'm Ash.

And this is a Mini Morbid.

Mini Morbid. We like it.

We didn't plan that.

Unplanned.

I went rogue, if you will.

Un solicited morbid.

So, yeah, welcome to the... It's like a mini morbid episode. That's what our second episode of the week will be from here on out, I think. These are going to be faster and looser, and there's not going to be any housekeeping or anything. So we're just going to dive right into Let's go.

Do it. Let's go. Do it.

Our first episode happens to fall during the holiday season. So we decided, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanica, Merry Kwanza, Happy Winter Solstice, All that stuff.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays. So we're going to be hitting some creepy ass holiday traditions. And today, we are going to be talking about not Santa Claus, but his dark ass helpers.

The dark ones.

Now, I'm just going to come out and say, Europe has some scary ass Christmas traditions.

Yeah, they do.

I respect it because they are all about teaching kids to be good, or they're going to be disemboweled, or eaten, or beaten with branches. They don't fuck around.

That's why American kids are just such assholes. We don't get scared into not being assholes.

We don't have enough demons that are in our holidays to scare our kids.

You know? It's where we went wrong. It's one of the many places we went wrong.

One of the many places. So basically, Basically, what's interesting is most of these traditions that we're going to talk about, they're earlier pagan traditions that have just been adapted to modern use. So they change throughout the years. A lot of them get less scary They started out way scarier, and then they turn into something better, which I think Santa Claus himself, which we're not going to cover tonight. Maybe we'll cover him in another one. But Santa Claus himself started off as super scary and fucked up.

Well, he sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake.

Yeah, that alone is scary. So, yeah.

I don't even get the point of that. Why does he need to see you when you're sleeping?

I know, because what do you do when that's bad when you're sleeping?

You're just chilling.

Yeah. So that's fucked up.

Yeah. Santa, get away.

Santa, calm down.

Santa, why don't you have any chill?

Yeah. He's pulling a night stalker.

I was just thinking that.

So most of these traditions, like we said before, they really focus on making your kids behave. That's the main focus for, it seems, European households during Christmas season.

#germanparents. Parenting.

Yeah, it's just to scare the shit out of your kids to make them behave. Hey, I respect it, man. So the first one I'm going to hit tonight for Santa's Little Helpers is arguably the most infamous, probably the one that a lot of people know about.

Crampus?

It's Crampus. Good old Crampus. Crampus. Crampus's roots actually don't really have a lot to do with Christmas. Now we've turned him into a Christmas thing. But they dated back to pre Germanic paganism in the region. So his name was originally Crampin, which means Claw. And basically the legend was that he was the son of the Norse god of the Underworld. Hell. Fun. It was like, literally Like, just hell. Which he is. He still is. During the 12th century, actually, the Catholic Church tried to banish any Crampus celebrations or any having him to do with anything because they said he was basically the devil. Oh. Actually, in 1934, as recently as 1934, Austria's conservative Christian Social Party also tried to have him eradicated. But none of these things have held, and Crampus has lived on. Crampus lives on. He lives on. So he traditionally is seen, visually, to have a long, gross tongue.

Jean Simmons-esque?

Yeah, literally. And it's like a forked long tongue. It's like, creepy. He's like half demon, half goat.

Same.

Me too. Same. And he's also seemed to have one human foot and one cloven hoof. But I couldn't find anything to, like why. That is... It's weird. I don't know if it's just to make him even creepier. I don't know. In a 1958 article about the Crampus legend in Sderia, which is a state in Southeast Austria, they said that Crampus would deliver gold-painted bundles of birch sticks to children. These things, these gold-painted bundles, were actually smaller versions of the switches that he uses to beat people with.

Oh, you know. Typical. Yeah.

And what the families would do of these children, once they would get these these little bundles of birch branches, they would hang these birch branches in their house all year round as decoration to remind the kids to stay in line.

Or you're going to get your ass beat by Crampus?

Yeah. He was like, Hey, remember when Crampus brought us his beaten stick? That's going to stay on our wall all year.

That's a heavy metal.

So stay in line. So Crampus himself comes around on the night of December fifth, and he comes around with St. Nick But again, he's like the anti-Santa.

Excuse me? What? Today is December fifth.

Holy shit. Whoa. Did not plan that, did not realize that. Hope we've been good. Because Crampus is coming to town.

Crampus is coming to town.

It's not so catchy. He's bringing a branch. He's beating you twice. He doesn't give a shit if you finadi are nice.

No, he does, though. He gives a huge I don't think he does, because he's just going to beat the kids anyways.

I don't think Crampus cares if you've been good.

Oh, I thought it was only the bad kids.

Well, I think that's supposed to be it, but he seems like he's just an asshole.

Well, go on, then.

So while Santa is handing out candy, because in a lot of these countries, kids will put out shoes on these nights, so that that's where their goodies are left in. It's just like a tradition.

I don't have a shoe big enough for all the shit I want.

So Saint nick will put candy in the shoes of kids that were good. And I guess in Austria, they'll do, and I think in Germany, I'm not sure, but some of our German listeners can tell me if this happened there before, Or if they do it now, they'll leave birch twigs in the shoes of kids that are bad. Falesca, tell us. So that's what... Saint nick just leaves twigs in your shoes, and it's like, you've been naughty. Here's a twig. But Crampus is like, oh, You've been naughty? All right, I'm going to take you out of your bed. I'm going to beat you with this birch branch or with this fucking... It's called a switch, which is basically like a whip made out of branches. And then he's also going to take these kids and he's going to stuff them in a sack that he has. And then he's going to haul their asses off. And he's either going to take them straight to hell or he's going to dump them in a body of water along the way to drown asses.

He stuffs them in a sack? Yeah. That's fucked up.

I like that all you got out of that was stuff them in a sack when it finished with and takes them to hell or droughts them.

Well, drowning would suck. I feel like hell would just be like, you know.

I love that you were like, Wait, he puts them in a sack?

I mean, that's fucked up. That is fucked up. He just throws them in the sack? What the hell?

Oh, I love it. So also on December fifth, they celebrate Crampus Night, which they call Crampus Nacht, which is really cool and metal-sounding. But Crampus Night is crazy. It's public celebrations. People dress up as crampuses. So there's just a shit ton of Crampuses walking the streets. That sounds awesome. And German dudes in Crampus costumes. And they don't just walk around, and it's not this celebration that everyone's like, What is it so fun. No, they literally beat bystanders. What? These crampuses walk around and they hit people with branches. They literally beat you.

Is that allowed?

Yeah.

It's legal?

Yeah.

So it sounds like the purge, .

It is. Except, so I read a couple of people who have gone to these things and have come back and been like, No, seriously, they will beat you. You will be beaten. And I guess they They mainly go for your legs and your shins, but they literally beat your legs and shins with branches, and they will chase you into places to try to beat you with branches. What? This is legit.

I'm not interested.

Yeah, it's a lot. And so because of this, there have been injuries, and people obviously getting terrified and traumatized by this.

I mean, yeah.

So because of this, they've had to reform it a little bit. And there's some places that require all All Crampus is to wear numbers so they can be identified in case of violent behavior.

Crampus number 612 hit me in the face with that branch.

Crampus number 53 was the one who struck my shins with a force branch. Crampus 4, settle down. Crampus 4, you're on the edge, Crampus 4. Come on. Keep it together. Bring it in. Keep it together.

God, Crampus.

So, yeah. And I guess it's called a Crampus run, where they just fucking run down the street.

It's a fucking five, okay?

It's like a turkey trot.

Hey, is your family running in the crib as knocked?

Yeah, the crib is knocked. And of course, the next day, so tomorrow, is I'm going to Butcher. We're both going to butcher a lot of these pronunciation. Oh, for sure. Just so everybody knows, by all means, if you are Icelandic, German, Austrian, any of these, and you want to correct us, correct our asses, because we will totally listen and we will correct it. We just got it. But we're doing the best we can. So the next day, which is tomorrow, after the cramp is knocked, is Nicola Stog, which is St. Nikolaus's Day. And tomorrow is the day for presents, and joy, and happy little girls and boys. But it's really just the ones who haven't been beaten to death by a Crampus.

Well, yeah, they got to celebrate something.

Yeah. I mean, after that. So, yeah, that's Crampus. He's a He's something. And if you look, any visual you see of him is usually him. I mean, it's literally like half demon, half goat, the big long tongue, the crazy eyes. He's always holding a sack, usually full of screaming little kids in the visuals.

That's fucked up.

And he's got chains around him. He's got the big birch switch. He always looks pretty stoked, though. Oh, he's always raging. He is so happy to be murdering children. It is like everyone, he's got the tongue out, but he's got this crazy, like, yeah, face.

He just looks like coked out.

He does. That's exactly.

Coked out Crampus.

Coked out Crampus. I'm saying. So, yeah, that's Crampus. The next one I'm going to talk about, I mean, this one's going to be a rough one to pronounce the actual word for it, but it's Julicaturin, which is not how you say it at all. But in English, it's Yule Cat. Yule Cat? The Yule Cat, which sounds delightful, right?

I don't really like cats.

I don't like cats either. But I feel like a Yule Cat just sounds like it's like, I'm the Yule Cat. I feel like he's wearing pajamas. And he's just like... He's got a song to sing. He's got a story to tell. He's ready to give me a lollypop. What does Yule Cat remind me of?

It reminds me of that video online. That's like the cat with the rainbow's coming out of its ass. Do you know what I'm talking about?

I was thinking of that one, or I was thinking of the one with the cat playing the keyboard.

Oh, yeah.

It's just banging on the keyboard in his pajamas. That's all I thought of. That's all. Well, unfortunately, It's none of those things. The Yule cat is not like that. So this is an Icelandic tradition. He's not a nice cat. Yul cat will eat you. He'll be feral. So that's a thing. So he's tied with an Icelandic tradition that basically says that everyone who finishes their work on time, servants, kids, anybody, they receive new clothes for Christmas. That's a big thing. The people who don't finish their work on time don't get new clothes for Christmas. So now, as we're going to see, Yulcat is very fashion-forward. He's very conscious of the latest trends, and he's going to know if your ass is not wearing brand new clothes, and he's going to be pissed. So to encourage children and just workers in general to work hard, parents tell their kids that Yulcat would be able to tell who the lazy kids were because they wouldn't have at least one item of new clothing on on Christmas. And these kids would be sacrificed to Yule Cat. What? Literally. So there's a poem written about Yule Cat, a famous poem, and it ends And this is nice.

At least they say it ends with a suggestion that children should help out the needy by giving them new clothes so that they can have protection from being fucking devoured by a Yule cat. Jesus. So it's like, hey, it's a nice charity thought, but it's also like, or a Yule cat is going to eat you. So it's like, what?

Be nice to the less fortunate or you will be eaten by a cat.

So the whole thing, you get new clothes, you're safe, and it meant you worked hard. You don't have new clothes. Yule cat's going to eat your ass, and that's just the way it is. There's no gray area here. So nobody really knows the true origin of Yule cat. It's unclear. But from what I could tell, the oldest known writings date back to the 19th century. So pretty recent. He's not that old.

Okay.

There is that poem that I was talking about is by Johannes Jørnkottlum, and it goes into detail about the... Now, apparently, Yulcat is gigantic. It's not like this tiny little house cat that just nibbles you to death. It's like a big old fucking terrifying cat. It has sharp teeth. It has glaring yellow eyes. And it's here to punish your ass. That's what Yul cat is all about. It's It's like a Fisher Cat from Hell. Awesome. A Fisher Cat that cares what you're wearing, which is even scarier.

It's like a Dolce & Gabbana Fisher Cat from Hell.

Yeah, basically. And I might post this poem because it's really terrifying.

Hold on, wait. What? It's Joan Rivers, Reincarnated in cat form from Hell.

Whoa.

You're welcome.

You just busted Who did this case wide open. That's the origin of Yule Cat.

There you go. You're welcome. Thank you for listening. Hope you keep it weird. Bye. Joan Rivers, RIP.

Rip, Joan Rivers, slash Yule Cat.

That's terrifying.

So the Yule Cat is going to connect with a couple of other ones that I'm going to mention. Basically, what we're going to see at the end is this big old Icelandic child murdering family that works around Christmas time.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah. So that's the Yule cat. Basically, a giant, fashion-conscious cat. The next one I'm going to talk about is called Frau Purchta. So Frau Purchta is an ancient legend in Eastern Europe, but her story was popularized by Jacob Grimm, the Brother's Grimm. Oh, shit. He referred to her as Frau Burchta, and she was the female counter counterpart to Birchtold, which is the leader of, quote, the Wild Hunt. Now, the Wild Hunt is just this big old procession of elves, fairies, and demons just running around doing evil shit.

Hell, yeah.

Where do I sign up? Which is awesome. Yeah. And basically, so what they say is seeing this Wild Hunt in passing, which can you fucking imagine seeing this in passing? It was thought to be an omen that would indicate great misfortune, which is like no shit It's an omen letting you know that you are losing your damn mind because you're seeing a procession of elves, fairies, and demons just fucking up shit.

Congratulations. You've lost it.

Like, wow. So, Frau Birchda, or Frau Parchta, she flies around the sky with an army of lost souls around her, which is pretty metal, to say the least. That's badass. Among her army of the night are apparently supposed to be the souls of unbaptized children. Heyo. Whoops.

Here I am.

Just ash is floating around.

Come and get me.

Now, the legend also says that if you hear the wind and thunder rumbling around the mountains on the Birch till Nights, which I'm not sure exactly what Nights those are. What you're really hearing is not Thunder. It's the fucking sounds of the Wild Hunt. So it's like all these demons, and Perchda, Frau Perchta, just tooting around doing evil bad shit.

I don't know.

Which would be awesome. So the physical descriptions of Frau Perchta vary. There's a lot of different legends. Some describe her as being actually Crampus-like, while other ones say that she's a tall, white, robed lady, basically old lady. Sometimes, weirdly enough, she's portrayed with one extra big foot. Casual. Which, I guess this is supposed to mean that she's a shapeshifter that can take any form she likes. That's what it's supposed to indicate to you. That wouldn't indicate a lot to me. It would just indicate that she had a clubfoot.

I'd be like, why you got an extra foot?

Yeah. Why you got an extra foot? So in Germany and Austria, they sometimes portray her as a witch named Frau Purchta, how I originally said her name, because it's Burchta and Purchta. And she basically just hands... She will hand out rewards for good kids, but she'll also hand out some pretty severe punishments for bad kids, like all of these do. It's during the 12 days of Christmas, which is December 25th through Epiphany on January sixth. She's possibly best known not for her rewards that she gives, but for what she does to the bad kids. And what she does is if you're not awesome, she will disembowel you and replace your organs with hot garbage. Wow. That's something that just sticks with you, I think. It sure does. And on the Well, this all happens on the 12th night of Christmas, which is the Feast of Epiphany. That's when she'll creep into homes and she'll either disembowel your ass or she'll leave a piece of silver in the shoes of children and servants who have been good. I take that. Oh, and she also cuts kids' tongues with glass if they lie.

Hey.

So, don't fuck. You better learn your rules. Don't fuck with Frau Parchta. Now, there is a slightly different version of this legend, and it's according to Linda Radish, which I probably said her name wrong. She's the author of The Old Magic of Christmas. Now, she says that Frau Parchta was also known as Birchta, like the original legend says, or Bertha. And she can also be referred to as Steubenfrau or spinning room lady.

I see the transition there.

Obviously. In this one, she's often depicted having a beak nose that is made of iron. Wow. Which sounds like a plague mask, like a plague doctor mask. Yeah, that's what I pictured. Which is terrifying. And she's dressed in super-shitty, ragged clothes, and she's usually carrying a cane or a staff. And she just looks like a decrepit old lady in this one with a fucking beak nose.

Damn.

Now, in this one, she's a judgy bitch, to be honest. She's just, she's real judgy. Like, she's going to look at your house and she's going to tell you whether it's shit. And she doesn't have the right to because she's dressed in rags and has a beak nose. But she's going to tell you when your shit is not right.

Yeah, so take a look in the mirror, perched Bertha.

Seriously, take a long, hard look in the mirror. So this one says that you'd better get all your flax spun by 12: 30. Night, which is January sixth.

What's that even mean?

It says, quote, For when the Christmas season was over, it would be time to set up the big, upright loom, at which time you must have enough thread to warp it and start your weaving. So if you didn't do this shit, apparently if you didn't start your weaving, then the lazy ladies in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland would either have their looms trampled or they would be set fire to by Frau Purchta. And if you She really pissed her off, if you didn't weave your shit and your house is a mess. Oh, and that was the other thing. If your house was a total mess and you were supposed to leave a traditional bowl of porridge out for her on this night.

Bitch, got to have her porridge.

I think you could not do one of those things, and she's probably just going to set fire to your loom, which honestly is the best case scenario. That's all. And if you didn't do any of this, well, then she was going to probably set fire to your loom, and then she's going to come into your bedroom, and that's when she's going to disembowel you, but she's going to fill your insides with rocks and straw.

Okay, that's the dopest would you rather question ever. Would you rather be disemboweled and filled with hot garbage, or would you rather be disemboweled and filled with rocks and straw?

I mean, I'd say hot garbage because it might have a soothing feeling, the heat.

Oh, I'd say rocks and straw because I'm not trying to put no garbage in my bod.

Are Are you sure?

No, not hot garbage.

Taco Bell is hot garbage.

Taco Bell is something that is not explainable. It is not garbage.

It's not. I'm not.

You're hot garbage.

I am hot garbage for saying that about taco Bell.

Yeah. How dare you? We lost a sponsor.

Well, that'd be awesome if we had sponsored by Ta-Cabel.

Well, it's not going to happen now. So. Man.

You fucked up. Burn that bridge. Well, the moral of this one is, no matter what, she's definitely going to gut someone and fill their thoracic cavity with hot garbage and rocks one way or another. So Frau Parchta doesn't play.

There's no please in Purchta.

Yeah, she does not play. So her story is thought to have come from a legendary Alpine goddess of nature, which does not compute.

Sound like that.

And this legendary goddess of nature tended to the forest most of the year and then just dealt with humans just during the Christmas time and the holidays. In the modern day celebrations of Christmas, Purchta or close relations to her, because, of course, there's always variations of these people, will show up in processions during Fashtanot, which is the Alpine Festival just before Lent. So that is Frau Perchta. Now, these next two are together They're because they're a mother and her many, many sons. And they're the people who own Yule Cat. So it all... Yule Cat lives with them? Yule Cat has an owner, and the owner is just as big a dick as Yule Cat.

Well, they get to live with Joan Rivers.

Yeah, they do. So these ones are fun. Like, weird, but also I think you're going to appreciate these. Ash is going to appreciate these. I just feel it. So these next ones are called the Yul lads.

Oh, I feel like I've heard of this.

These sound delightful. They're also... I'm going to attempt the other way to say them. Julasvinar, but I'm going to say Yul lads. So the Yul lads are 13 Icelandic trolls. They each have a distinct name, and they each have a distinct personality, like Snow White's Dwarfs. Now, back in ancient times, apparently, they just caused trouble and shift during Christmas time. So they were used to scare children into behaving like all of these are. Kind of like the Yule cat because they were like, The Yule lads and the Yule cat are going to come and they're going to fuck your world up, kid. Don't keep doing that. So now Icelandic children do get to enjoy 13 nights of Father Christmas's, technically. That's nice. The Yule lads come for these 13 nights, one of them on each night. They're apparently now known as like very merry and mischivist. They're almost like elves now instead of trolls, I would think. They're just like... They got much more chill. So on each of these nights, children will place shoes on their windowsill. And for the good boys and girls, whatever Yule lad comes, they'll leave candy or like, little treats in the shoe.

If you're a shit bag, then they're just going to leave you rotten potatoes.

Rotten potatoes.

Which just I'm just straight up garbage for bad kids. They're like, Here's some rotten garbage.

Enjoy.

But I guess it's way better than being eaten or beaten or disemboweled. So kids are like, That's fine. I'll take it. I'll take these rotten potatoes. So apparently, the Yul lads used to be way creepier than they are today. But in 1746, parents were officially banned from actually using Yul lads to scare Are their kids?

What would happen if they found out that you did?

Well, and I guess in this whole banning of the Yul lads and everything, they also banned using Crampus to scare your kids using any of these because they were legit using, you're going to get eaten. And kids were scared to go outside during the Christmas time because they were scared they were going to get eaten, or disemboweled, or beaten, or taken away and drowned.

What a different time of year than we have.

What a time to be alive. So the National Museum of Iceland has a list of the 13 Yullads and their names and what they do. And I'm going to read this off to you because it's pretty great.

Oh, God.

Some of these are amazing. So the first Yullad is called Sheep Coat Clawed. What he does is he basically just bothers your sheep and tries to suckle on the sheep in farmer's sheds. That's just fucked up. So I I hate the word suckle.

Yeah, never say it again.

It's such a bad, bad word. The next one is named Stubby, and he's short and steals food from frying pans, which to that, I say, same.

I was going to say. We have that in common, Stubby.

Me too, Stubby. So the next one is called Spoon Licker. Same. And I'm going to let you guess what he does.

He hides your forks.

Exactly. No. He licks your spoons. That's gross. The next one is called Pot Scraper or Pot Licker, and he steals unwashed pots and licks them clean. I mean, that sounds helpful to me. I was just going to say, which I'm like, thanks. Do you think? Thanks Pot Licker. The next one is called Bull Licker. He steals bowls. And this one's weird. I say this one's weird, like none of the other ones were. I'm like, Hang on tight. We're going to get weird. So So this one steals bowls of bowls of food from under the bed, which apparently, back in the old days, Icelanders used to sometimes store bowls of food under their bed. Which... That seems unhealthy, but okay. And this bowl liquor would steal the bowls of food from under the bed and lick them clean, basically. Okay. Next one is called Door Slammer. He just stomps around and slams doors and just keeps everyone away.

Sounds like Papa when he was trying to wake me up when I was in high school. It really does.

It sounds like my kids.

Yeah, it does.

The next one is called Skiergobbler, or Skiergobbler. I'm not sure how to pronounce it. But basically, it eats up all this Icelandic yogurt that's called Skier or Skier? I'm not really sure. Somebody will tell me. But basically, he eats up this Icelandic yogurt that's made with, I think it was milk and sugar, milk and honey. So he just eats up all the yogurt. So the next one is called Sausage Swiper. What the fuck? And it's not as dirty as it sounds. He just loves sausages.

Hey, you know.

Don't we all? No. So, I really mean sausages. Oh, yeah. So wear your head. The next one is called Window Peeper. And he sounds off-putting. He just creeps outside windows. And then So he creeps outside, looks in windows, and then he steals shit. So he's just a thief. The next one is called Door Sniffer.

Door Sniffer?

Door Sniffer.

He just sniffs your door?

He has a huge nose and apparently has an insatiable appetite for baked goods.

What the fuck? Same.

I relate so hard to these guys.

These are just all my different personalities.

These are all my Nelly traits of you. Yeah. Next. This one's weird. This one's called Meathook.

What?

And he just snatches up all your meat that's been left out.

Oh, I feel that.

And he especially likes Like smoked lamb.

That's the same.

The last one is called Candle Beggar, and he just steals all your candles, which that's just rude. That would piss me off. Do you know how much Yankee candle is?

Especially back in the day, those were useful.

Yeah. I mean, I'm just mad because I want my sugar cookie candles.

You ever heard of Yankee Candle, Candle Stealer?

Yankee Candle, Candle Stealer. So, yeah, those are the Yule lads. And what I'm doing is I'm going to connect them to the last person I'm talking about, because the The last person I'm talking about is their mother.

Okay.

Yeah, these dudes have a mother. Her name is Grilla, and she's their mama. She actually predates them, in Icelandic legend, as an ogres who kidnaps, cooks, and eats children that don't obey their parents. So she originally was just used like, Hey, obey your parents all the time, or she's going to come down any time during the year and just take you and cook you and eat you. But she became They were associated with Christmas in the 17th century because they had the Yule lads, and they were like, the Yule lads need a mom. So they just associated her with them. I love that. Yeah, they were like, they need a mama. So according to the legend, I'm not saying her name right. Grilla or Grilia had three different husbands. Get it, girl. And she had 72 children. What? Now, when we When we talked about the Lawson family, and they had eight kids, we were like, one might say that's too many.

72 children is far too many.

72? That's a problem.

Girl, even the Duggar stopped before that.

They did. Did they? Or are they still on their way? I think they stopped at 19. I think they're trying to get there. Now, all these 72 children range from just being mischivist to just straight up murdering people. Which, if you have 72 kids, they're bound to be a few hooligans and murderers among you. That's just math.

I mean, science.

Statistics. Yeah, it's just the way it is. So I'm not going to judge her for that. Out of 72, you're going to get a murderer, too.

Yeah, of course.

Now, the Yule cat, like I said, lives with this whole clan. So she's the mother of these 72 kids. She's the mother of the 13 Yule lads, and their house pet is the Yule cat. She was first said to send her 13 Yule lads down to town to snatch up bad kids so they could cook and eat them. But again, by 1746, Icelandic kids were so scared of this that the government stepped in and put the ban on using this lady to scare kids, too. So she was part of this whole thing, like, you can't do this. Now, later, it changed again because of this whole thing. And now she said to send her 13 boys, her Yul lads, down to town during the 13 days of Christmas Where they just spread cheer and are just misdivists and shit. Just stealing your meat, stealing your candles, slamming your doors, not eating you or murdering.

At least they're not murdering and eating you.

Yeah, you know. Now, just to end this, the Onion. So apparently she's a huge... People know who this ogreus is. So the Onion blamed her for the 2010 eruption of the... I'm going to try to say this volcano. But it's the Ajaf Jala Jocul volcano. I butchered that. Basically, she got blamed by the onion for a 2010 volcano. So that's how well known she is in impomus. And that is Grilia, the ogreus who will eat your kids. She has way too many kids.

Yeah, that's just like, you don't need to be eating other people's kids. You could probably just eat some of your own. Yeah, just eat some of your own. You have like 70 to spare.

You do. You have way too many to spare. That's insane. Those are... That's my dark clan of Santa's Helpers.

Wow. Well, I also have a couple that I can't say any of them, so this should be fun.

I have faith in you.

My first one is Belsnicle.

That is my favorite name.

That's actually what I'm naming my first born, Belsnicle.

Good, because it sounds wonderful. He sounds just delightful.

It just reminds me of Snickers.

Why, Belsnicle?

Okay, so Belsnicle is a man from Southwestern German lore.

Always Germany, man. Germany has the best dark Santa's helpers.

Yeah. I feel like that's where they're all from.

They're cornering the market.

Yeah, for real. But he traveled to the United States and he lived on in Pennsylvania in Dutch customs.

Yeah, because I was going to say I know that name.

Or Pennsylvania Dutch. Is that the thing?

Yeah, the Pennsylvania Dutch.

So he comes to children sometimes before Christmas, and he wears old clothes and raggedy fur. And he carries a switch, like Crampus, to frighten the kids.

Always a switch.

But he also has candy.

Oh, well, at least he has candy, too.

To reward them for their good behavior. So if you're like a little bitch, he's going to hit you with the switch. And if you want candy, he'll give you some.

I bet that's a poem somewhere. If you're a little bitch, he's going to hit you with a switch.

Probably. In modern day retelling of the story, the switch is only used for noise to warn the kids that they have to be good before Christmas.

So he'll just like- That's more appropriate, I feel.

He'll give it a little which. That would scare me in the line. Just on the wall or something.

Yeah, just that which.

Yeah. And the kids can get candy from him if they're polite about it.

I don't really want Bell Snickle's candy.

Well, it's either candy or the Switch, so you pick. You I'm going to pick if you want the Switch or the candy.

I'm going to take that candy and just put it somewhere. I'll be like, Thank you, Bell Snickle. And then just be like, I'm going to put this over here. I'm not going to eat that candy.

And then Cramp is going to watch you and think that you're unappreciative.

And then he's going to drown me in a river.

No, the worst, he's going to stuff you in a bag.

Yeah. That's the worst of all. I hope he drowns me in the river. I just hope he doesn't put me in a bag.

I mean, if you weren't in the bag and he dumped you in the river, you could just swim down the river and have yourself a merry old time.

I think he... You know what? I think part of it, though, is that he chains you up with his chains because he has chains all around him. So I think he chains your ass up so you can't move. Wow.

He's wild, dude.

He's a lot. He's very extra.

Damn. I'm going to try to say these names, but I'm going to say first Ru Klaus- We're going to get so much shit. And Nect Ruprecht are similar. I like it. Now, I can't even say the word similar.

I'm like, they're similar.

Hold on, I'm going to try again. Nect Ruprecht and Ru Klaus are similar characters to Belsnicle, and they're also, for German folklore. And they also dull out beatings to bad kids. So I can't even read at this point. I love it. My other one I have three. So my second one, Hans Trup. He's like the anti-Santa. Hans. Hans. Like Hans Assmann.

Like Hans Assmann.

But I mean, Hans Assmann was probably the fucking anti-Santa, too. He did it. Yeah, he did it. But Hans Trup hands out punishments, too, to bad children in the Alsace and Lorraine Ragen's...

You don't say.

I just said Ragen's instead of Ragen's.

The Ragen's.

Can you cut that out?

We're going to start again. No, because I love it.

Hans Trap hands out punishments to children in the... Is it Alsace? I don't know. It's French, so probably not.

Alsace.

Alsace, and Lorraine Regens.

I love how American you are, you're like, Al Sassi.

People are going to hate us.

America.

The legend says that Trap was an actual real man. He was rich, greedy, and evil, and worshiped He was a Satan. Whoa. I mean, whatever. And he got excommunicated from the Catholic Church, which I think happens pretty easily. He was pretty chill overall, but he got sent to live in the forest.

So far, I don't see the issue.

Yeah, I don't know. So they made him go to the forest where he prayed upon children and disguised himself as a scarecrow with straw jetting out from his clothing.

Eew. Yeah.

One day, he was about to eat a the way he captured, but he got struck by lightning and was killed.

I hate when that happens.

Yeah. I hate when I'm about to have a good snack and I just get struck by lightning and die.

A good little child snack.

Yeah, seriously. So, yeah, he died. But still, he lives on and he visits young children before Christmas dressed as a scarecrow still to scare them to be good.

So this dude is legitimately Who's a ghost of a rich, Satan-worshipping, fucking scarecrow-dressing motherfucker who died, but struck by lightning. And now, he's just- Whilst eating a boy.

While eating a boy.

And now he's just back?

Yeah, with a brand new wrap. He's just doing the damn thing? With a brand new set of wrapping paper.

I love it. I love it.

My That's rad. The third one is... That's rad. … get to sound really shitty when I say it. And I bet this isn't how you say their name. But here we go. Pierre Fouetard. Fouetard.

Just I'm like, Oh, like a ha ha on there.

So he's French. And his name translates into Father Whipper. So we'll just call him that.

Yeah, just call him Father Whipper.

So the legend begins with an evil butcher who carved children to eat.

You know, as most legends do.

Yeah, as most fucking butchers do. Have you ever seen Sweetie Todd? Yeah. But him and his wife lured three boys into his butcher shop.

He killed them. He was a barber, by the way.

What?

He was a barber.

A barber?

Yeah. No, the Sweetie Todd.

Oh, I was like, no, he's a butcher.

You're like, no, I'm looking at it right now. I was like, I did this. No, I meant Sweetie Todd.

Well, I haven't seen many musicals.

The Demon Barber, Fleet Street.

Well, he's a butcher, too, because he butchers the peeps. Yeah. They put them in a pie.

Put them in a pie.

He be in the kitchen cooking pies with this baby. Yeah. What just happened? You're not going to get that because you don't listen to rap. I do not. There's this rapper called Fetty Wap, and he's like, I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby. And so is Sweetie Todd, okay? Actually, that's where they got it from. That is.

I'm sure. It's not.

But anyways. It's not. Foo Tard and his wife lured three boys.

Father Whipper and his wife.

Father Whipper and his wife lured three boys into the butcher shop. He killed them, he chopped them, and they sprinkled salt on them.

Because you must season your meat.

Yeah, yeah. But Saint nick came to the rescue, resurrected the boys, and- Oh, so he's a necromancer now?

Yeah.

Saint nick is everything.

Oh my damn.

And he just fucked up Mr. Father Whipper. He was just like, Fuck you. And he became St. Nicholas's servant, and now his job is to dispense punishment to bad children on St. Nicholas Day, just like all these other peeps. Wow. As if they didn't have enough people to deal out punishments.

And I like that he was like, So you took it a little far with butchering these three kids and trying to cook them up with some salt. Yeah. But now I think you are good for this position I have opened up.

Where you can dole out just some light punishments.

Punishment to children instead of butchering them.

Just a quick punishment.

Like, wow, he's lucky to get that job. That is very metal. So metal.

This whole thing is so metal. I feel like yours went a lot better than mine did. But you know what? I tried.

Yours went amazing.

So basically, I mean, America has made Christmas in the holiday season this jolly, super chill time, where you just get anxiety about buying presents and material things.

And then over in Europe, they're keeping things metal as fuck, and they are just like, we're going to keep it real. The shit started dark as fuck, and we're going to keep it that way.

Which I respect. I think I'm going to stay here for the holidays.

But I love that they kept it in the straight up like, the holidays are scary. I don't. I like that they just went with it.

Like they leaned in. The holidays are supposed to be magical.

I mean, they are magical over there.

In a totally different way.

In a totally different way. And honestly, for our international listeners, we would love to hear if any of you remember hearing about these stories or anything that you guys celebrate like this. Totally tell us, because this was fascinating to hear, because it's just so different from what we do over in America. So let us know. We'd love hear. And I know we have some international listeners that probably have some rad stories. So by all means, we love hearing them. So this was our first little mini episode. We hope you dug it. We've been getting a lot of messages lately, and we're trying to answer them. So if we haven't answered one of your messages, I just want to let you guys know that we are going to get to it. So don't feel like we're ignoring you.

We promise.

We love you, and we love our messages. We love reading through them. So we'll get to everybody, I promise. And we hope you dig our little second minisodes of the weeks.

And we hope you keep listening to them.

And we hope you...

Keep... Keep it... Weird.

And a Happy New Year.