Transcript of Side Stories: Double Bread with Ground Beef

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. The needle fills the hole. The old familiar stain. I won't wish it all away, but I remember everything. It's Dude's Day. I'm going to hurt myself today.

I'll be cash, you'll be resonant.

So yesterday, it was amazing. I went to my favorite Antifa restaurant. Have you ever been to Lefty Cucks? Oh, no, I never been to Lefty Cucks. I went to Lefty Cucks yesterday. How was it? It was They were all applauding me for getting on the right wing hate list. They were super happy with it. I got a discount, which honestly was really nice. That's so good.

I heard you have to eat everything with your just lips first. Well, yes.

And then everybody has- You have to kiss it first.

You kiss my burger.

Everybody buys food, and the person that bought the most food has to share the most of his food. It's a great place.

I bought food for someone else, and then they kicked me in the nuts.

Yes, I love that about that place. I love Luffy Cucks. But one of the very funny things I had, you know those little... They have those like, fortune bullets. The engraving on mine was so cute. It just said, trust the process. I was just so like, I was just so... I was like, I needed to hear this.

Exactly, man. You know what else happened this week that I'm losing my mind about?

What happened? Dan Moreno has liver disease. Yeah, I heard. You believe this? Not enough beer.

This Justin, his liver's fat.

All All right. Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Sprachky. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.

There's far too much news this week. There is entirely too much news. It's one huge story, but much better, smaller stories.

I think that the best part about this week The thing that people can truly celebrate this week, who is actually celebrating this week is every other criminal that's ever done anything because no one's paying attention to them.

It's really good for them this week.

We're just going to come out real quick and Yes, Charlie Kirk is dead. We're not going to talk about it a heck of a lot because there's not a lot of information out there.

It's still very much developing. We don't know much about anything.

It's developing. We now know that this is some form of troll on troll crime. We know that Tyler Robinson is now... We know that he's nothing. He's arrested. We know he's arrested. He's in jail. There's a lot of evidence that points towards the fact that he definitely did it, but we don't know. Obviously, we're going to wait till he goes through the whole trial. Do you think he's going to do an arraindance? I think. But we now know, yes, that Tyler Robinson wasn't anything. He was just some guy, shot Charlie Kirk because he was there. If the rifle was pointed pretty much in a manner of feet in any other direction, we wouldn't be talking about it anymore.

It's pretty clear. There's been four major assassinations since December.

Oh, dude, that day there was a shooting at an elementary school. Yes. There was another shooting in Oakland. Oh, yes. It's been going on all week. There's been about- Then somebody was lynched, of course. Oh, yes. There's a lot of stuff going on. Now we see that Jimmy Kimmel got fired for very light commentary upon this.

I'll tell you one thing that's good. Fallon canceled his gig tonight.

Finally, some good news. There's some good news.

But he was too drunk to perform.

I love that fucking guy, We're just going to move on. I think that- Just like they are.

Erica Kirk's taking over Tupuza.

Oh, Tupouca. She loves Tupouca. Erica Kirk. Oh, wow. I can't even say. I can't say anything.

No, but that's what It's so funny.

I was just about to try to make a joke about this. I know for a fact that the joke that I was going to make is going to sandbag our entire network. It's just the power I have right now is both aggravating- I would say the lack of power. Yes, deep lack of power. It's a deep, deep lack of power. I don't know what to say. I was just about to say something.

All I know is Robert Redford, the greatest actor of all time, dies. Nobody gives a fuck. No one gives a shit. Nobody gives a fuck. Charlie Kirk stole 9/11. Yes.

I had my mac and cheese was in the oven. Do you have any idea what it's like to start? I am beginning the turnaround. We're making 9/11 happy. I don't care what anybody says.

This is the official who gives a shit anymore here.

It's time to roll.

No one It was barely in the news. You saw- NFL teams were not doing their tributes.

Trump took a nap during the ceremony. Do you remember that when Trump had an active stroke during the 9/11 ceremony? He just let his right side sleep, which I think is good. His right side really just needed some rest.

They called that the Pope John Paul's nap. Yeah.

He just let that lower lip slide.

Pope Nat Paul.

But yeah, again, I had all my hors d'œuv set up. My building seven fondue.

Oh, my God. My ashtray was ready. Everything was ready. I had these two tower joints that were fucking ready, dude. I just looked at them, I'm like, I don't want to smoke these today.

Lefty Cucks was bringing a whole thing of no food to my house.

Yes. Lefty Cucks was great because they had their Iraqi flag up. Yes. They had their Afghanistan flag up, and I was having a great time.

Oh, yeah, dude. Isis Joe and me, loving life.

I love the slogan, returning Serving Isis into Nisis.

Someone has to. I think this is a really good rebranding time for them.

Today, we're serving Italian Isis. I just had that because I was in New York. Yeah, I know.

I know. You saw you put us because you started all the conspiracy theories that we were already shut down.

Oh, yeah. We didn't even talk about it. Everyone's like, You're shut down. It's like, No, my internet just didn't work in the shitty apartment I was staying at. No offense, Robbie, but the fucking bathroom sink is in the kitchen.

Sorry, Robbie, but that's a true... That is called the New York Millionaire's Lifestyle. I will say that I have been on that hate list all week. They took it down, right? They put that there. I was listed as a left wing. They didn't list me. Nope.

Not popular enough. Come on, people. Edditudes.

Com. It's just so funny that I'm the one. I am the one. I've been getting harassed all week.

You put the ass in harassment.

No, they are. They're putting the ass in harassment.

I'll fucking harass you, dude. I know. I'll grab at you.

You already have. It's that I've been getting harassed all week. It's for real out there. That's why I think it's super important to transition to what's really the most important story of this whole week.

Absolutely. The most important thing...

There is It's huge news coming out.

Huge news. It's just the biggest news. We want to talk about this now while we know everyone's still listening.

Yes. My movie is coming out, and I'm doing a kickstarter for it. You're going to want to go to ufo. Movie. That is where you can get all the kickstarter information for Henry Zbrowski's new film, unbelievably friendly Organisms. I have written the story for this, co-wrote this with Kevin Gleis, who is the main screenwriter who wrote How to Ruin the Holidays. We've worked together on this project for a while now. We are pushing this out the old-fashioned way because guess what? I don't know if you've noticed in the last couple of days, old media might be dead or dying, and it's bad out there. It's really hard to make something that might be slightly not, I'm going to say, a down the pipe. We got to make it ourselves. I am asking for your support as my listenership to go help me make the movie that I want to make. It's truly the most accurate UFO movie ever made.

Did you even try and pitch this or you're like, No one wants this?

I decided nobody was going to want it.

Yeah, I would agree with that. From the little bit you've told me about it, it seems like no one's going to make this but you.

It's about a man that gets pregnant. Yes. It's literally like, I could just say that straight up. It's about a that gets pregnant. Junior 2. It's essentially that. It's with the absolutely wonderful Amber Nash that was an archer, amazing improver, and Jenna Hayes, the adult film icon, who now we did an interview with, and she's She's a therapist. She was fucking cool as hell. She's a therapist. She lives down the street. She smokes hell of weed, and she is a lot of trouble. We just don't want to be anywhere near her, do we, Rob? We don't want her near her. I'm going to hang out with her. We all do.

She seems very cool.

She's the coolest person in the world already.

I feel like she's the one adult film actress I could bring around my wife.

She's legitimately just cool. She's working with people that are now out of the industry, and she's working with people, a lot of women. She's deep into... She got her master's. She's getting her PhD. She's brilliant. But I just want to say, this is truly the most important story of the week. If you want Lefty Cucks to be able to add that non smoking outside area.

Come on out to Leftie Cucks.

You are going to need to help support UFO the movie because that's what we're going to. That's where the after-party is.

Open your ass at Leftie Cucks.

There's a lot of prizes in our kickstarter. We're going to have interviews. We're going to be doing a watch along with me. You're going to own the movie. There's so many things to do, and you are going to love. Have you ever had a Rocky deviled eggs? No. Yes, they're iguana eggs. Oh, man. Yes. Yes, and they... Wow. Lefty Cox is knocking it off.

Man, I hope I get the balls one day to go to Righty Cox.

It's all meat. It's all meat. It's a bunch of meat. We put up your ass. Yeah, man. Keep my meat. You want TRT? Dead.

Fucking snort for meat. God. I hate turkeys.

Yeah.

Just cows, pigs.

Got to hear a... I want some more elk.

I shot in the face with my own ass.

I kill shit with tits. We have a lot of stories.

You know I've been on the podcast for two years this week? This week? This week? I know.

Time has really flown, hasn't it? Time has really fucking flown. I have just...

There's too much news. Isn't that nice? I'm having to pull right past it, but it is nice. No, I'm actually really sad that you even said it because I wish that we had prepared for it.

We had a way to acknowledge it outside of- You can buy me a cake later. Yeah, no.

We're on the road this weekend. Get me a cake to bring on stage or I'll get you something.

I will get you something.

Two beers on the podcast, my friend.

That's what he likes, two years on the podcast, and we are still discussing Jeffrey Epstein. Yes.

You want to get into this right now?

I just want to say that this is one of the big stories that has been buried, that at first, when I know that I've ruined Ed, when for the two years now, now that it makes a lot of sense that you've been on the show for two years, when the news first hit with, what's his name? I'm even sick I'm not saying his name, honestly. I don't even want to think about him anymore. Captain Kirk. Yes. When Captain Kirk died, we sat and you woke me up to text of your descent and the conspiracy theories behind it. I was up all night researching all the conspiracy theories of it. I know that I was just like, that's one of the worst things about all this rational information that came flooding out about this. Well, I can't believe anyone about anything. I know because I can't know. Every credible source says completely different things.

There's There's no way to know what's actually going on right now.

We're going to have our YouTuber FBI director, Cash Patel, tell us anything. We're going to believe a single word out of his mouth. That's why he's in there. He's in there, so we don't believe.

Cash money, dude. In there making it, man.

Dude, absolutely. He is getting that shit. You don't need to create a smokescreen if the guy is your highest smoke screen. If you're high as fuck, dude.

Fuck this fucking guy. You want to deposit me, motherfucker?

I'm cash. Cash. Cash. It's great. Cash. Money. Well, I don't like that you gave him a good nickname. I don't like that you gave him a fun nickname.

Cash, honey?

That's cute. Cash, Bunny. All of it's too cute. Cash, Bad Bunny. I just think it's all too cute. I think it should be no crash, all credit. That is pretty good.

I like that. Yeah, I like that. All right. No cash, all credit. Credit Patel.

Yes. Well, cute.

Yeah. Léo A.

Patel. Let me finish this. I have this. Let me just finish this thought. Then we go, go. There's so many other jokes we can hit. So many other verbal jokes we can hit. What was I saying?

Epstein, he had a birthday party. Yes.

A lot of fun people came to the birthday party. My original thoughts behind all this was, I jumped to the most extreme view was that this is a smokescreen to hide the fact that on 9/11, that day, an article on Bloomberg came out going through all of Ghislaine Maxwell's emails, something like 18,000 emails. It was this gigantic investigative report. That was the first layer that came that said all of this stuff about essentially the words that Jeffrey Epstein said to cut Trump out of my dossier. You got the actual words of Jeffrey Epstein to Ghislaine Maxwell. We also now know that Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein's relationship was far more intricate and went on far longer than she said it did.

How is it more intricate? She's in prison for it.

Because she, for a long time, the big thing has been, Jeffrey did this all on his own. I was never I was just a... I did property management for his thing. We had a falling out, blah, blah, blah. Where now, when you look at the emails, you see that she was deeply involved in his rollout during his original child prostitution, all of those charges that he got in 2006. I believe, yes. When he got all those charges, Ghislaine was helping him walk through it. Jeffrey Epstein got to name his charges. He said, What sounds better to you, looting lascivious behavior or solicitation of a for sexual activity? She was like, I actually think looting lascivious behavior actually sounds better. Of course it does. That's an easy question. Yes. She did stuff like this. They were in lockstep. She was a part of all the cover-ups. She bought gifts for Alan Dershowitz. They bought gifts for Leslie Wexler's friend. Dershowitz loves gifts. He loves gifts. He loves gifts. And long dark socks. If you can still be horny, right? If you could still be horning in long dark socks, you're a murderer. Unless they're compression socks.

Yeah, you got to just help keep it up.

That's different. That's one layer of all this, which is we see all of this evidence.

Leslie Wexler, Victoria's Secret. We know what Victoria's Secret was. She was stuck in a cage.

Oh, yes. Someone get her out. Somebody get that angel out of there. That was the first layer. Then next was the entire Jeffrey Epstein 50th birthday book. Yes. This is where the infamous Trump letter came out.

I can't wait for my 50th.

We're going to do just this. We're going to do- I definitely want a birthday book.

We're doing this. I'm letting you know now.

No, no, no. I'm letting you know now. No, no, no. I'm letting you know now. Because it's a cool idea. I'm not going to take that away from it. It's a fun idea.

I love pedophile yearbooks.

Yes, this guy did. I've never seen. I read the entire thing. This is a part of what's ruined my life is that I read this entire birthday book, and a lot of it is extremely cryptic. The Trump stuff is interesting in the fact that he wrote this whole long thing, may every day be another wonderful secret. We've now covered this to death. But I do find it interesting.

I will say in Trump's defense, if he did draw this, I would expect the tits to be bigger.

Well, to me, this speaks a lot louder.

Oh, because they're tiny.

Like a little girl. Like a little girl.

Now I see. But there is pubic hair.

But No, that's his signature. It's literally a signature. This guy, this is Jeffrey Epstein. When you look at the picture that Donald Trump drew, you could see that it's definitely a very prepubescent girl. You would think that if you thought that two fun, loving single dudes would draw. I mean this. I know that that's ridiculous to say, but wouldn't you draw big tits?

Yeah, I would probably. Actually, if it was for you, I would just draw a drawing cock. Yes. If I was going to draw anything, you get Yes, exactly.

This birthday book had more drawings of tits by billionaires than I have ever seen. The Leslie Wexer one is the one that's even weirder where it's like, what do you get for the man who has everything? Oh, I know exactly what Jeffrey wants. It was just, Hey, you just drew tits. That's one thing. Who were some other fun ones? There were things I didn't recognize. There were stories from women, long convoluted stories about Jeffrey Epstein seducing them. Then there was stuff like that that was really fucking weird. This is a Lexley Wexler letter. He drew tits on it. Then the idea, which I think is interesting. I know it's ridiculous, but this is all they thought of this man. Yes. This all they thought of him was as a, you look at these rapists. Look at this picture that someone else drew of him. It was a picture of him being naked, massaged by girls in bikinis, but next to it is him giving balloons to children. Oh my God. It says 1983 to 2003. What a great country. It is assuming the way I'm looking at it is that those girls are the girls massaging him.

Yes.

There's that. This is all in the book. These are all people.

This isn't made up?

No. Who drew this? A cryptic billionaire. What I would love, sidestorieslpotl@gmail. Com, is for someone in our audience that is familiar with theoretical physics.

You're just science people.

I need a nerd to go through the birthday book because there is stuff in there that legitimately looks like he has Harvard. There was one joke that some Harvard guy put in it. It was a New Yorker cartoon. There was a guy talking and it said, I've spent all my life constantly thinking about how to make money when I really should be thinking about naked girls. The guy added at the end of it and biological immortality research. There's several Easter eggs dropped into this about him being deeply invested, in which we now know in the idea of being a transhumanist, like getting involved in saving his brain, becoming a mortal, saving his com, making a world of baby slaves for himself and sex slaves for himself. I want to know, there are some physics jokes in this. There are diagrams, and there's shit in it that I don't understand that are coming from scientists. I want someone to look at it and tell me what the fuck it means.

Yes, please, because it's just got to be some weird cryptic joke in there.

There's something in there.

But what if it's funny? That would make me so upset.

To be honest, that would at least give me something.

Where's the deal Neil deGrasse Tyson when you need him?

He never shuts up. Neil deGrasse Tyson is a one of them. He's one of the bad ones. Go explain this. They're all one of the bad ones.

What did Clinton say?

Nothing. He said he had- Oh, no. His was all like, he admired Jeffrey Epstein's childlike curiosity. Yes, that was the whole thing. We're in a fun world, and those are the guys in charge. Those are the guys in charge, and it seems like they're really starting to tell us what to do.

Yes. But I will say- That's why I'd be like, there's a lot of information.

This is part of the stuff that it's really that and the fact that Jeffrey Mildred died, and no one talked about it either. One of the foremost Bigfoot researchers in America.

Was he ripped apart by a Bigfoot? No. Then it doesn't matter. Exactly.

It was cancer.

Oh, It was just cancer?

Yeah, at least Bigfoot waited to die.

Was he one of the psychic Bigfoot guys? No.

No? Very much so locked in the world of Tufts.

He talked to him like a human being.

He wanted Tufts.

Yeah, he sat down with a cup of coffee and he's like, Listen, we got to hash this out.

Nothing would make his life more complete than if he could watch a Bigfoot take a shit.

Oh, my. Well, I mean, that would make me incredibly happy as well.

It's all these guys want.

Yeah. The only one is Scott. Was he good at it? I mean, obviously, he never found a Bigfoot.

No. So how good could he be?

Yeah, actually.

That's actually very interesting.

He never found one. He tried super, super hard.

He did. Well, I guess it is good then then. Bye, Jeffrey Meldrum. Nobody cares.

Oh, no.

You look like a Bigfoot.

Oh, my God. Brain cancer.

Yeah, he looked like a Bigfoot. He was so cute.

So he was going crazy.

No, he's just old.

Yeah.

Do you like Bigfoot imprints?

He did. I mean, everyone's into some shit. I'm into some dumb shit. Oh, of course. Yeah. What are you going to do?

No, it's good for him. He brought some legitimacy to the Bigfoot field that sorely needed it. And now he's dead. He was an anthropologist as well.

Oh, okay.

That's what gave him his cred.

Thank you, Rob. I appreciate you saying something nice about the man.

Rob is more of the Bigfoot. Rob's the Bigfoot man. Yeah?

You're into Bigfoot?

I don't really believe in him. He doesn't believe in Bigfoot. You've done as much research about Bigfoot as I've done. I've been down the hole.

There's no reason to. I like Harry. I just want to believe he's real.

I just think of all of them, Bigfoot's the most successful. Bigfoot makes the most sense.

Not the Loch Ness Monster?

That's the second.

Second most? Yes. Okay.

Second most. I still think it's a ghost of a plesiosaur.

You know who else died? Who? Rick Davies from Super Tramp. That's who I'm sad about. That's who I'm really broken I'm about. I love my Super Tramp.

Hope you find your paradise. Goodbye, stranger. It's been nice.

Go listen to Super Tramp, everyone. Do yourself a favor. Honestly, no matter how you feel about the news or whatever, Super Tramp can heal your bad thoughts. I promise you that.

Yeah, especially if you do a line of good old fashioned Columbia White. Yeah, enjoy yourself as an old fashioned do a bump, fuck your neighbor's wife, listen to Super Tramp.

Goodbye, stranger, because I'm going to talk to you all fucking night.

You're not my stranger anymore. You're my best friend.

Fly from your grave.

Yeah, here's a story. All right, let's just do this.

We've got a whole shit ton of story. Oh, there's one story that actually relates to what we're already talking about. What? Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un. Oh, my God. This guy never disappoints. I mean, or he always does.

He always disappoints.

Talk about making free speech illegal. He made the words hamburgers, ice cream, and karaoke illegal because they're too Western.

They're too American.

He's like, I don't want them to have it. I don't want them to have it. But the people deserve hamburgers.

They should have caused them to rise up. These are two of my three favorite things. Guess what I would be doing? What? I'd be at the palace. That's what I'd be doing. If you took hamburgers from me.

Well, they're not taking hamburgers away.

So you're taking the words away.

They're taking the word hamburger away. Then to me- It's supposed to be called double bread with ground beef.

Double Bread with Ground Beef is the dumbest name for something I've ever heard.

The Jin go Gi, guy go pang.

You know what it needs to be called? They're called Unwiches. Done.

That's for free. That's Ice cream is Eskimo. Dude, that's free.

Eskimo is racist.

Well, tell him that. Not me.

You're the racist. I'm just telling him. You're a racist. I'm reporting the news. I'm reporting the news. I'm reporting the news. I'm reporting the news. I'm reporting the news. I'm reporting the news. I love the Inuits. I love the Inuits. I love the Inuits. I love the Inuits. I mean, you're the culture. Inuit is the only name of one of the tribes.

Why? They're my favorite.

Technically, that's the American translation of the word that he's using for ice cream. So he's not calling it Eskimo. He's calling it- Eskimo. Oh, he is calling it Esukimo. I thought I literally thought Eddie was just making that up.

No, I'm not being a prick.

I thought you were. No, he is. Kim Jong Un? My Kim Jong Un? He can't be being a prick.

I know you love him.

My Kim Jong Un.

He's your Kim Jong Un.

God, he just wants to eat words. He wish he could. He wish that it was food. Whatever keeps him occupied. This might literally be the last regime, though. There's been a lot of talk. There's been a lot of talk about... I've been very interested in their family, and there's not a heck of a lot of material about them, obviously, but it really does. Apparently, his hold is beginning to really fall apart within the country because the other guys still managed to feed everybody.

Not everybody.

But the extremity of North Korea is really- There has to be good people somewhere. Well, there's not good people. Other leaders understood we might want to keep up a certain baseline to have- If you want to have an army, people need food. Have to be fed. If you want to have a happy populace that it's going to rise up, I learned this from Sim City, you need to give them things. You need to give the populace something in order for them to feel good about it. Back in the day, literally in the beginnings of North Korea, it was nicer there, and then now it's really backslid, and it's getting to the point where the center may not hold as much, but who knows? It's because he's obsessed with nuclear weapons. His father and the other one before him, the other guys, they weren't as obsessed with nuclear weapons.

He caused them coo-killer because he's coo-key. But then these people, they're going to be all right. They still have their on-screen accompliment machines, and everything will be fine. What? That's what they're calling the karaoke machines.

On-screen accompliment machines. Just make up another name. Yeah, just make up another name. Unboxes.

Yeah, unboxes.

Just put the name. Put your name on it. Your favorite guy is Trump. Put your name on the thing.

Yeah, learn from it.

You learn from what you do. It's your body, right? Just fucking learn the thing, which is an ironic because America's your number one enemy, which is a part of the reason why- Kari Unki. Wow. Kari Unki's amazing.

I like Kari Unki.

I like that a lot. You know what it is? It's too much fun, though. It's too much fun. It's too much fun. He loves roller coasters. But they I can also say partially the erosion is his love for Trump. There's like an erosion happening because it's this funny thing.

Everyone needs a friend.

Yeah, America. But America is their only... That's like their main enemy.

Yes, but he likes us.

He likes Trump.

He likes Trump. Yes. But hates us.

But he likes- Yeah, I'm sure he hates me. But the country, capital K, North Korea, hates America. That's their brand. Yes. He likes Trump, though. Trump is America right now, unfortunately.

Well, and his dad He hated America, but also loved America. He loved making action movies and shit like that.

Yes, but he was inspired by America. He wanted his own American stuff. Kim Jong Un just likes American stuff, which is eroding their trust of him inside of the country, ironically. Yeah, and he loves his roller coaster.

Have you ever seen him on a roller coaster? It's so cute looking with his little legs dangling and stuff.

Speaking of a roller coaster, can we talk about how the fact that you and I, I was just at Epic Universe, and I spent money out the ass, and I first went straight to the guy. We had a VIP tour because we were doing this, and it was like a fun little thing. I went to the guy and the first thing I asked is, Have you been fishing people out of this giant fountain, the middle epic universe yet? He was like, No, we haven't yet, but we have the first death. Immediately. Wow.

Like a month and a half. No, this is like three months after it opened. They're having their first death.

Stardust Racers, which is honestly a war. Did you go on it? It is a really good ride.

It's a fun way to go to this park. I still want to go even though someone died. People die at the park all the time.

People die. People die. Sometimes it's your time, and sometimes you're going to die next to a child on a roller coaster.

Yeah, he didn't fly out. He didn't fly out of the roller coaster. No. If he flew out of the roller coaster, we'd have a much different discussion.

His heart pushed out.

He shouldn't have been on it. I guess. I think it's...

He didn't know. He was 30. The guy died. It was one of those things where it's really, really sad, where it's like at the end of Stardust Racers, it parks, everybody gets out of the ride. He's just...

Yeah.

Then they have to send a guy dressed as Harry Potter over there. They go like, Oh, no. Oh, Restorius Emperanteus. Oh, we must... Oh, does anyone have a diplodius inflator dormius? Oh, someone call the Paradeseums. They go and they have to do it all in character and try to flop them off and think. Hagrid comes out. They're like, pulling his limb body up.

They should just make it part of Dark Universe. They just say it's like- Send the corpse.

Send the corpse to Monsters Unchained. They need it. Send it down there. Pirates of the Caribbean had a real skull in it. They did. Skeletons.

Dude, you- Skeletons, multiple. But then they replaced most of them, not all of them.

But this is Universal's opportunity to get in on the lure. I'm certain that this guy... Because when you would say- We go back to the fan and was like, How much for the body? Do you have a discount with the club? Are you part of the Epic Universe Club? Do you have a discount with that?

No, I know it's hard to get tickets right now, but what if it wasn't?

It's really very sad. He just died on there. Yeah. Was this Universal Visitor? Was the magic broken for her? He was in his 30s. Yes, that's what I was saying. He died of it. He probably had a heart defect that he didn't even know. Yeah.

I mean, it is awful. It is pretty sad.

It is an exciting ride, but this is too much of an advertisement for it.

If you could die on any theme park ride, what would you pick?

It's a small world after all.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Definitely, I would like a slow one.

Oh, yeah. And just sitting in it. My goal is I want to be dead on a ride in which I've gone around three or four times. Going around a couple of times.

One more time, sir? He's just like, All right, go ahead.

Well, he's asleep. No reason to wake him up. One of those were just… They're all like kids are taking pictures with the funny sleeping man.

I wanted to be living with the land at Epcot just so they could make me part of the fertilizer.

Yeah, they just dumped it in the soil. What's the big ball ride?

Oh, Earth.

My buddy always said he wanted to die next to his grands.

That's his life goals and die next to his grandson on that ride. That's it, man.

Finally, yes. You and your mother brought me so much joy. Tomorrow I was child.

Oh, man, we got a crazy murder. This is the craziest story. I can't believe we jumped to the roller coaster story.

I was just saying because you brought up Roley against it.

You brought up Ryder. I did. It was a good segue. But all right, the Devorved.

Okay, Devorved. Now, this guy named Devorved, he's got a beauty mark on his face like he's Marilyn Monroe, but he's a child. I believe he's a child. I think he's 23.

Something like that. He's young.

He's way young. His name is, I guess. I've heard it pronounced as David. Yes. But it's spelled De Forvid. I listened to the song that he is known for. Me too. Guess what? We already had Babyface. He's just another guy just singing. He's a classic example of what we're dealing with right now. He's certainly no young blood, but he's a constant example right now of what we're seeing of adult, contemporary music done by people with face tattoos. Yeah, they're all Michael Bolton. That's all it is, guys. It's literally early usher. But he's barely... He's not doing any... Listen to Babyface.

Yeah, Babyface is great.

Wonderful. And never carved up his 13-year-old girlfriend to put her in a Tesla. He just married her. See, now this is different. It's a different story. So Devorved has 25 million followers or something. Two million. But he's another one of those guys that's famous, and I've never heard of him before.

I never heard of him before this, and he's incredibly famous.

Incredibly famous and not talented. And so they went- And currently on tour. I just crushing it right now. But he dropped... So apparently, he had a Tesla that was... Right now, it's seeming he had a Tesla that was impounded.

It was in his name.

Yes, it was impounded because it had been sitting out- In front of his house. Of which he had some beautiful mansion already, and he was sitting in front of this and riding in front of this beautiful mansion. I'm sorry, I used the word riding. But then Tesla, it was picked up, it was brought to the impound center, and they found a dismembered teen, and it turns out to be a young lady that was missing for a year.

Unfortunately, riding is the right word because that's how they found her, because they impounded the Tesla and it was stinking like all hell. Yes.

It took a while for people to find that this was happening. Then the young lady. This was the first thing. This first came out. Devorved, apparently, has been... They're saying he's cooperating with the police. God knows what he's doing. Now we're seeing that they Apparently, the big thing that came out over the last week was that they had matching tattoos.

Yeah, her name was Celeste Rivas. She was 15 years old. When she was found. They definitely knew each other. He even wrote a song mentioning her name recently.

They had the matching tattoos of what?

What Did you hear the tattoos?

Oh, my God. They both had on their front finger, Shush, S-H-H-H. What seems to be- I'm sinking. Shush.

Now, was it facing out or facing in?

Oh, shit. I did it facing in. If he did it facing in, it's just telling himself to shut up. Telling me to shush. I certainly shouldn't tell anybody about my 14-year-old girlfriend. There seems to be now this is, again, massive conjecture. Yes. Massive It's conjecture. It seems to be that this might be a lady, a child, that De Forvid was involved with, and she was dismembered and put in the back of this Tesla. Now, we don't know whether or not, we obviously don't know whether or not he did it or not. We don't know whether or not it sounds like this was the thing that was about to maybe become public for him. We know that it was in his inner circle that it seemed to be known that he was dating a child. He was dating a child, which is why Because obviously, you have to tell your tattoo artist that it's your girlfriend. If you're both getting the shush tattoos on at the same time.

I don't know. I don't know what the process is.

Does that not make you an accessory to child trafficking?

My younger cousin just got a huge tattoo at 16.

You can eat paramental. It's crazy. You just need parental permission. It's gigantic. Yeah, you just need parental permission. He's 16. Yeah.

What are you doing?

But, hey, He had to scratch for it.

He's happy. No, he's happy.

Yeah, you got to believe it. Honestly, I just haven't. The only reason why I don't have a single tattoo is that during my most impulsive years- I needed weed. I had no money. Yeah. I had to choose between alcohol and drugs or tattoos.

Yeah, that was exactly what happened to me? I wanted to get this giant eagle that wrapped around my shoulder. Then they were like, It's $1,700. You're like, I'll just buy weed. Yeah.

I'll just smoke weed. Now, forget about I wanted that. Yeah, I wanted TCB with the flash. I wanted the Memphis Mafia tattoo real bad. That was my favorite thing. You still can get it. I got a shirt.

Yeah.

I have a shirt.

You take your shirt off more than anyone I know.

I know, but that's the thing is that it's just then you got to cover it up.

You should get bigger tits tattooed on your tits. Wow.

Longer nipples. I should get great tits. There's Devorved. It's just so you know, we'll come back to this story, obviously, because Devorved- Very much developing. He is very much developing, and Devorved continues to go on. It's another example of someone that commits crimes and continues to be successful in this country. So he is just rolling on with no form of accountability and is crushing it. He did a lot of tour dates while that girl was rotting. A lot of tour dates. He had to. He didn't want to be near the car. We also don't know whether, again, conjecture. We have no idea. We don't know. We have no idea. There's definitely an explanation, Eddie. I know that. Oh, of course. I know that.

He lived in the house that they I know that much.

Here's another story that- I love stories. I love a story with my best friend. A little story. Can we play Metallica's One? No. No. No?

It's like, Metallica is the last fucking thing we could play. Here. I just...

A little canopy. It's All right, is that good enough? That's what I wish I could play this song underneath this story. Woman 95 beats fellow nursing home resident who was a Holocaust survivor to death with a chunk of her wheelchair part.

Why would that song make sense? It's about Nam, right?

It's just something about The 95-year-old woman army crawling across the fucking dementia ward with a chunk of her fucking wheelchair.

Tell me what happened.

There is no details. It is just an 89-year-old Holocaust survivor was found beaten to death. Her head was crushed by a 95-year-old woman. We don't know what they were fighting about. I honestly think it might have been about the Jimmy Kimmel situation. I She army-crawled in the other room.

I only live for Jimmy Kimmel. I've been following him since Vegas.

What would make a 95-year-old woman? Again, I'm not blaming the Holocaust I'm not going to blame him. I'm not saying it's because of what that woman did. But what could drive a 114-pound, 95-pound woman to crush someone's head?

Well, whatever the motive is, I think we No.

Doctors, who's presenting me all that I see. Absolute horror. How can I feel? I cannot feel. Dude, that's like her just like, Sway, sway, sway.

Die, bitch. Die, you're surviving that bitch.

You're not surviving my shit, bitch. Here comes the Holocaust again, bitch.

Do you think that she was extra strong, or do you think the woman was extra soft?

Both. Apparently, by the time she got to her, yes, she had already been boiling for five minutes. That is about perfect. That's about it in a perfect soft joke.

Oh, man. Slam, slam, slam.

You thought you could fuck it. You thought you'd live longer than me, bitch. I in that shit. Here comes the finishing line. I'm the finishing line, bitch. The marital's over.

I think it's probably a little sweeter than that.

I know you miss your husband. Time time for me to send you back.

Hey, you go.

Yeah, I've always wanted to do this.

This was on my bucket list.

This was on my bucket list. They had the nerve to put this woman in jail. They're now trying to figure out what to do with her. The guests, the lawyers on both sides are like, we're trying to... The term they came up with was we're trying to figure out a robust bail program for this lady. Well, because it's dementia. It's dementia connected.

That's what they're saying. Dimensioning, all That's why they don't know what to do with it.

Rob, you're saying that you think this was fueled by dementia? You don't think that this was fueled by an unnecessary raise? What if she was a German? Oh, my God. I need one last one. What's her last name? What's her last name? She's Snitzenhauer. Oh, my God. If she was like, Yo, one final pro for Sophano land. If It was like that.

That would be fucking- I have one final solution. Yeah, very good.

First, I voted for Jill Stein, the ultimate destabilizing figure. Now, I will go and I will kill my final Jew. Oh, she's not been named.

Oh, okay.

Oh, she's not currently facing charges.

That was her parents' fault.

Everyone's going to be upset. No one's going to give her a name. You know I thought that was funny. No, I know. I know. I just think it's funny that you could be canceled about everything else that we've said today. But this. That I can do this all day and I won't get in trouble for it. This is the show.

Yes. It is our job to make fun of death.

Yeah. It is fucked up that I can't do my job. My hand is like, that's why I feel like I'm in a cage right now.

I have been making fun of death my entire comedy career. That's all I've ever done. Then this week, they woke up and said, You can't do that no more.

Well, one group said it, and we're going to see how long it lasts, because right now, obviously, there's going to be a lawsuit. Jimmy Kimmel is going to do a big old lawsuit. There's going to be a bunch of stuff. Tucker's mad. If you're, Oh, I don't want to make Tucker mad. He's like, I I do horrible things all the time. Oh, you can't talk canceling, people. That's what I do. Oh, you can't talk canceling, people. My bow tie is getting too tight. It's my Tucker Carlson voice.

Fly from your grave.

Also, you know what we never covered was the $20,000 burger in burglary at Disney.

What? I don't even know about this. You're following. It's a $20,000 burger. I was busy this week.

This is a story I actually can't believe you didn't hear about.

Send this to me when you see it.

All right, so- What happened? This is amazing. This is at Disney Springs. Okay. You know Paddlefish in Disney Springs? That place that has that... It looks like it's cute.

I know the Irish bar killed somebody recently. Yes, it's great.

That's awesome. But it's like a Q-Rest. I guess it's like they consider it. I know what it looks like. It has this moat.

I like the Indiana Jones bar. What do you say? Go ahead.

This man, they were closing for the night, and all of a sudden, a man arrived into the kitchen in a full scuba gear. He had swam through the river, through the retention pond, up into the restaurant. There's a big lake right there. Yes. He swam into it, walked in full scuba gear. Flippers and everything? Everything. Tied them up, tied up all the people and robbed the place.

Did he have a spear gun?

Yes. No, I wish he did. Honestly, that'd be amazing. He said, right now, here, he said he had no weapons.

I'm from the future.

He said they tied him up and he did not display any weapons. They just didn't like him going, He probably did like, The force compels you. You hear me like, What are those? They're like, Oh, my God. It's a dark jedi. Oh, no.

It's Dorf Moll. You're the wettest jedi I've ever seen.

Oh, man. He really puts the mole in Dorf Moll because he's coming from the Cinnabon. It's like a $20,000, but he robbed the place of $20,000. He's the Riddler from Matt Reeves. He's Matt Reeves' Riddler, dude. $20,000 cash. In and out. Went back into the river, took the money, put it in a waterproof bag, sunk back into the river like it was that. What was that show?

That's Disney's Mad That Got rid of All Those Gators Now.

Oh, yeah, dude. What was that show with Martin Sheen back in the day?

Oh, the West Wing.

Not the West Wing.

That's the only show I know of Martin Sheen.

When he was a young man.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know his early career.

He was like a show about being in the water. I just remember the bit from Hot Shots Part 2. Does anybody know what I'm saying?

I have no idea what you're talking about. The Hot Shots Part 2 bit was an Apocalypse Now joke.

No, I loved you in Wall Street.

Yeah, it was a platoon.

Hawaii 5-0.

He was not in Hawaii 5-0.

He wasn't in Hawaii 5-0.

No, that was a platoon Apocalypse Now joke. It was a platoon Martin Sheen was in Apocalypse Sound.

Sidestorieslpotlgmail. Com.

I loved you in Wall Street, the movie they were in together.

That was the joke. There was another joke about people scuba diving.

Well, that was at the end of the... When Lloyd Bridges was scuba diving to get to Saddam Hussein.

But there was a joke that was about- I'm not going to kill you until you're dead from it. Yes, that's a television show parody that we did. I don't know.

Oh, well, I don't know that, but he farted. I don't remember.

I remember it took out the other guys. I do remember that. I love that fucking movie. It's the best movie of all time.

When they're about to jump out of the plane and the light's flashing and it's a green, green, green, green. Great joke. Yes. You know, great joke. When he's doing that, he says he's reading great expectations, and they ask him how it is, and he's like, not all I hope for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kiss me like you have never kissed anyone before. She's like, Sucking on the nose. Yeah, it's a great bit.

It's a great bit. It's a great fucking bit. I got this tongue from a Labrador retriever.

Lloyd Bridges. Amazing. Technically, Kim Jong Un would be an amazing addition to a Hot Shots film. I think that Charlie Sheen- That's the only thing I want from Charlie Sheen right now. He's working on that. You know that he's working on that.

He has to do something fun.

That's the thing now. They're doing that.

How long is he going to be like, I have AIDS and I do drugs? He's doing- Not fun, Charlie.

No, he's doing the what's his but. He's doing the rehab thing right now where he's doing that. I'm sorry for my last round.

He has his doc. Yes. And he went on Rogan. But you remember he- He was on Rogan when the news broke.

Yes, he's done this four times, by the way.

He was like, No more. I respect all Charlie's.

Yeah, it's just like, I don't want to talk about it. I'm good about it. Actually, I'm pretty good on that.

I was actually... I was impressed. Charlie Sheen always impresses me as much as I think he's a scumbag. He always shows in the roast world, he came up out of everyone who ever did the roast, he knew his shit right away. He came and he nailed it. He's a monster. No matter how fucked up he was.

That's what they always said. He truly was such a pro that no one knew- He could pop up out of a stupor and just nail it. Two and a half men was never held up by him. He did it afterwards in that whole thing.

He would not show up, and then it would be hold up. But if he was there, They get it.

Yeah, he was a fucking machine. Yeah. All right, I think we're- How long is this episode?

I don't know. There's a couple of things I wanted to talk about real quick. There's some quick animal news. Zookeeper killed by lions in front of everyone at the zoo.

Which is hilarious and great.

Wild stuff.

I mean, honestly, you got to be careful.

I mean, to do a charge extra for that.

Yeah, exactly. Can I be in the splash zone? Is this like a fucking good...

I got it.

Can I- Oh, go check out our Gwar interview on YouTube.

Oh, please check out the Gwar interview.

Speaking of being sprayed with blood. Yes.

They jerkt off the Orca in That's stuck in France because they're worried it was going to fuck its mom. People keep sending me this. I know what's going on over in France. These Orcas are stranded. There's nowhere for them to go, unfortunately. It's all very sad.

So they have to get jerkt off so they don't have sex with their own mother like their Mike Pence?

Well, They're stuck in this. The whole fucking place is shut down, Marine land in France. And these Orcas are just stuck in these tanks, and they don't know what to do. People are still showing up to take care of them, but they're worried because there's nothing going on anymore that this Orca is going to fuck his mom. They can't have him fuck him's mom because they can't They don't need any more inbreeding. The Orca is already probably... It's already inbred.

Can we just say, Okay, this might be super controversial, but just abort the inbred baby and let them fuck each other?

I don't know if you can do an abortion an Orca abortion.

Well, you can. You could throw it in a giant. To be honest, I think you could throw it in a giant. I mean, again, this might be controversial, but put it into some industrial blender, make it into chum, and you can feed it back to them.

Interesting. I think the people will hate that. Yeah, I think that's what's going to get you canceled.

I hope so. I mean, I've been canceled already. I've already been canceled.

Yeah, you have.

So this is all just gravy. Yeah, if you listen to- Speaking of gravy.

If you found this and were able to listen to us, congrats. Wow. Wow, I can't believe you found. Oh, here's big animal news. They're breeding dodos again, apparently. We're going to be able to eat one of these things.

It's going to go real well. Yeah. I definitely think we should- They're bringing them back. I think the dodo is going to be like- Five to seven years out until we got a Dodo. Put me back. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick of being Ariana Grande's pet. You have an idea how many Ariana Grande- I'd love to get a Dodo for the studio.

Just keeping the parking lot.

You know what the problem is, right? I need it. You know what they say about dodos?

I told them, you show up one day and be like, Eddie, where's a Dodo?

You just see the two web feet, two web feet hanging in your mouth. The problem with Dodo's is that the same thing is going to happen the last time we had Dodo's. They're going to just stoop it themselves off the planet. They talk about this.

We're literally going to We're going to get dodos. They're so friendly and delicious.

We're going to get dodos, and then legitimately, they're just going to run into traffic. This is what's going to happen. We're going to be covered in dodos. They're going to just go. They're going to bring down... Mark my words. They're going to bring down a plane. They're going to destroy. I bet you they're going to destroy a bullet train. They're going to stop a bullet train.

Cows don't stop bullet trains. Have you ever see that footage? Oh, yeah. That shit's wild.

They're such a dumb-looking bird, though. I love it. They're called the Dodo. They're the coolest. They're dumb. They're stupid. They can't fly.

They just walk. But they've raised about 120 million to do this, so that's good.

Not a waste of money at all. Certainly not. That couldn't be applied anywhere.

It's the same company that's trying to recreate mammoths and dire wolves. They're doing it.

I think it's cute.

Tasmanian Tiger. I want that. That's recent.

Honestly, I just feel like, let's just focus with the group we got because we're already killing them.

It'd be cool if we... I mean, you know what they really should do is the fucking white rhino that there's only one left.

I don't think we need... You know what? I think that white rhino, again, has just been like, Thank you. I'm out of this. I'm so happy to not be in this news cycle anymore. I think the white rhinoceros is just like, That's called being canceled. That's what got canceled is the white rhinoceros. That's the difference. You got to be careful. All right. I think that we've done... How long is our This episode has been two hours long.

But also- I think it's time to- I want to tell you this- We've made it so far maybe without being canceled and maybe without our show being. I have a very special story that I wanted to share with you. Something cool happened to me when I was in New York, and I really want to bring it up. Also, go see Jeff Ross show, Take a Banana for the Ride. It's on Broadway for another week. It was amazing. It blew my mind. I saw it twice. It's all about my family. It's beautiful. But that's not what I want to talk about.

I went and saw the movie- You weren't talking about ufo. Movie, my movie, the kickstart for an unbelievably friendly organisms.

It's a good movie, and I can't wait to be in it and watch it.

You have no choice. You are in the movie. I don't have a part for you or write a part for Marcus already.

That's great. Good. Marcus is going to act.

He's going to, yeah. I have a great part for him.

Is it a lot of lines? No. Good. You like that? Yeah. Does he dig? Tell me he digs. No. We should put a digging scene in there.

I won't do that, no.

Put a digging scene in.

I will not compromise my vision.

I went and saw Caught Stealing, the new Darren Arnowski movie. I'm excited. It was pretty fucking good. I was just excited to see him do a gritty small low-level crime It looks like a Guy Richie movie. It's an East Village movie. He made it. He lives in the East Village. He made it. It was like an homage to his neighborhood. It takes place in 1998. It was a lot of fun. What's His Puts was actually very funny. Zoe Kravis is super hot.

Oh, Austin Butler, my boy, My Elvis.

Austin Butler, yeah.

My boy is always good. Austin Butler is good, man.

Dude, fucking Leeve Schreiber and Vincent Dinaffrio play these specific hitmen. They're hilarious. They're so good. But the movie's great. Here's the thing. In the very beginning of the movie, there's a scene with Zoe Kravitz and Austin Butler making out in the hallway of their apartment. They're going at it. Then this woman comes by and she's like, Take it upstairs. She leaves. You know who this woman was? Who? Ms. Kitty. My friend.

They put Ms. Kitty in the movie.

Ms. Kitty. She's this woman. She's this old Black lady that I'm friends with. Wow, what a blast from the past. She worked across the street from the Village Pour house where I was a chef at the movie theater.

She used to get us in the movie all the time.

I used to give her free lunch, and she would let us go into the movie theater and stuff. At AMC, her name's Katie Lawrence. She's an East Village legend. I love this woman. We were very close. I go see her every time I'm in town.

Whoa, he put her. It was her neighbor, and he put her on the red carpet.

Yes. No, she's unbelievable. I remember one day, she comes in to get a burger from me. Back in the day, the AMC name tags. They had their name and their favorite movie. Yeah, they had a flag. And hers was always Priscilla Queen of the Desert, which I found very cute. And then one day she came in and her favorite movie was Black Swan. I was like, Ms. Kitty, you don't like Priscilla? Black Swan? I was like, You like Black Swan? Not Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? She's like, Oh, well, I was working and my neighbor came in and he asked me why his movie wasn't my favorite movie. I put his movie on my name tag. I was like, Is your neighbor, Darren Arnowski? Then she was like, Oh, no, Darren? You know Darren? It was the cuteest fucking thing.

I love that shit, man. That's a real Newyorker. That's amazing.

Ms. Kitty is like one of these ladies who's never left the East Village. She don't even go to 23rd Street.

No, she knows. She remembered like Jimi Hendrix.

She banged Jimi Hendrix. She used to roller skate around the East Village in a bikini in the '60s and shit. She's the coolest motherfucker. I love Ms. Kitty. Shout out to you. I can't believe you're in the movie. It was amazing. Honestly, she's working at the movie theater. She fucking could use the money. Daryn Arnavski is cool for putting her in this movie. Apparently, her and Daryn Arnavski, right before they started making the wrestler, got Mickey Works over together. What an incredible life. She's a fucking legend, dude. She's a legend.

She's a legend. She's I love that woman.

She's the best. Shout out to Miss Kitty. Katie Lawrence. Go see Caught Stealing, surprisingly fun movie. I love that all these guys, Paul Thomas Anderson, Aria Austin, they're all making their weird-Action movies.

Yeah. Well, now they're like, I like Deddington. A lot of people now didn't like it, but I like Deddington quite a bit. I like that a lot, yeah. But you know what? That new... Was it One Day at a Time? What was it called? That new P. T. Anderson movie? Oh, it looks great. With DiCaprio?

I can't wait.

It comes out this week, right? They're all saying, This is the one.

I mean, of course. I mean, he had to make something badass.

He had to because the last two were fine. Lickerish Pizza was a waste.

Then the inherent vice wasn't great.

It was all right.

It was fine.

But yeah, this movie- One battle after another looks really fucking good.

Everyone's saying that it's It's the best movie ever made. I can't wait. I can't wait to fucking see this movie. It looks fucking awesome. Dicaprio is going to crush it. But yeah, no. Our movie corner.

Well, let's do some listener letters.

Listener letters. Rob. Yes.

Side stalling. Yeah. Come on. I'm presenting me. I am hard. Yeah. That was fucking awesome. You cut off. Hold on a second.

Hold on a second. I'll play it again. I'll play that. Maybe it's because I said it was hard.

Yes. Side Starlet. Damn, it keeps getting cut off.

Send us another version. It was pretty awesome. We'll play it again. We're getting a lot of metal. Do you think we're more metal than punk?

I think that our listenership might be more metal than punk. Interesting. But then punk doesn't...

They probably just don't own headphones and shit.

No, punk is different now. Punk is different now. We just got like, that was just I love a melodic metal.

I like metal, but I'm more of a punky.

I understand. Which I find interesting. Really? I thought that you'd be more into because I love all… I love- I do like metal. Don't get me wrong. Maiden, Judith's priest. I love the old school, Saxon.

I like priest a lot. Yes.

How much do you listen to Maiden?

Hardly ever.

Iron Maiden is so good.

I always had a chip on my shoulder because when I was younger, I was dating this After she broke up with me, she told me the whole time we were dating, she was babysitting for the drummer of Iron Maiden. I was like, You never fucking told me that. I always hold it against you, Dorothy.

Fuck you, Dorothy.

You know what else? Her father wrote the fucking theme song to the Miami Dolphins, and he hated me. Broke my heart.

You deserve because you were fucking her.

You should never have fucked her. I was not. I barely kissed her. I was 14.

I want to. Here we go. All right, so I got some stuff here. Tell us about stuff. Last week, we talked a little bit about what's with the nubs.

Oh, yeah. No, there's an update on that.

We have a couple of things. We're talking about the guy, this last week, the surgeon that so happily cut his legs off, tournament nubs. For his own sexual gratification. He did insurance for how to get it done.

And he was hanging with the Unique maker.

Well, we now know that a part of really the reason why people were like, This guy, was because he had a lot of extreme amputee on him. He was involved with that guy, the Unique maker, which we covered when we actually, back in the day, when Pat and Oswald were on the show, we covered that very thickly.

His name is Marius Gustafsson?

Gustafsson? Yeah. But he was this guy that was- I tried to like him. He tried to like him. I tried to like him. I tried to get into it. I was like, people love this guy. What am I missing? It's like severance. Literally like severance. It's literally like Severance. Yeah. It's the real severance.

He's the deforvid of amputee pornography.

But that's like a lot of people said- It's just its own body, right?

All right, go ahead.

Nothing makes me hornier than my own feet turning into sludge. But a lot of people said that one of the big things was about the nubs, the feeling of it, right? So this is very interesting. So I'm listening to this week's Side Stories, and the story about that amputee doctor came up. I'm a licensed prostheticist, so I deal with amputees almost daily. Awesome. One of my coworkers- Good to know this person now. Yes, because I don't need it. One of my coworkers is also a double amputee, both legs, and they both told me about how dating as an amputee is hard because of that fetish. Yes. They told me- Oh, shit. I never thought about that. Yes. They told me that they would go on dating apps and groups to meet people, and they would end up talking to someone that focuses a lot on their amputations while claiming they're also an amputee. He told me that it's super common for people that have that fetish to fake being an amputee to be closer to others with the amputations for fetish's sake, which is very interesting. Then there's another one about body identity integrity disorder.

The story about the surgeon who caught off his own legs reminded me of a super rare neurological disorder I learned about while getting my psych degree. It's called Body Identity Integrity Disorder, or BIID, in which a person experiences a persistent, intense desire to amputate or disable a healthy body part because they feel that part does not belong to their true body images. If the individuals who have BIID report significant distress or discomfort with their intact bodies and may seek surgery or other means to remove or alter their limb, even though it is physically healthy. There's a guy named Raulen Bowen back in the '70s that did the same exact thing.

Interesting. I like every part of my body. I don't want to lose anything.

My shit, super necessary.

If anything, I'll put stuff on.

I need extra. I would love an extra hand, an extra foot. Oh my God. Two extra penises.

Imagine a hand right above your ass. You can just scratch all the time.

My What's above? I have to redo all my pants.

You're right.

Then you know that hand will push my belt down. I already have those issues.

Yeah, you're having problems. Or it could hold your pants up.

But then it gets cramped from gripping all day. Here we go. It has been family lure for years that my grandfather, an anesthesiologist, miraculously saved a man's life in the operating room, even though he appeared to be dead by massaging his heart directly. Oh, That's cool. Recently, I discovered he had to publish a case report on this occurrence. I read it. 1960 South Africa, a man, fat smoker, came in for a minor surgery to have a bladder carcinoma removed. They put him to sleep. After about 10 eventful minutes, he stopped breathing properly. After a minute of trying to get that back up, my grandfather and the rest of the surgical team sawed open his rib cage and one lung popped out, overly inflated and unable to contract to breathe. It was so inflated that it was miracle that they just didn't stab it as they were opening the chest cavity. My grandfather took a hole of the lung, manually deflated it, then massaged it until the lung started contracting of its own accord. Then he and the rest of the team realized the heart wasn't working, so we massage it for a half an hour.

The guy lived, but only for another 54 hours. Holy shit. All you got to do is give the guy a hot stone massage directly on his heart, and he can live for a full other two days. I read this article and realized that it includes that this poor guy died having his lungs and heart manhandled by my grandfather because he didn't receive enough of one type of anesthetic medication for his reflex to calm down. Actually, this was a story about my grandfather accidentally underdosing a guy and then having to tear him apart with his bare hands while the poor man's body screamed in horror. My grandfather qualified as a doctor at 16. I'm retired at 76. He worked at several very well-regarded hospitals. His party trick was intubating himself in front of other people. My mom said he did a lot of amphetamines, but he also says that every single one of his doctor friends was also doing a lot of amphetamines.

Well, he did uncle amphetamines.

Yes, exactly. Because they help you react quickly to occasions like having a human lung pop out of a chest cavity at you like an overfilled balloon. But it sounds like he grabbed and squeezed on it like it was a fucking...

What's it? You didn't watch that new show Duster, did you? No. That's in the movie. It's in the show Duster. They're like, Did they It's not going to look like anyone could do it. Some hitman is just like, I'll squeeze this hard.

I think you got to be real gentle. Well, what an episode of Side Stories it was, Eddie. Live every day knowing for a fact that every single word that you said is being measured against you and that every single word that you're saying is being recorded to a microphone for literally millions of people to hear. You're going to love the fact that a lot of people are going to pour over that, including members of your own government. They're going to listen to your content talking about calm and old ladies beating each other to death, and they're going to be listening for stuff to cancel me on, and that's none of the stuff that's going to be canceling me on. That's going to be really, really funny. I want to go back to- You laugh about that. We all laugh about this.

I want you, the fans, to start canceling us again. I'm sick of it. That's your job.

No, don't give them back. No, don't give them back.

Well, listen, if you want to cancel me in real life, I'm going to Madison. I got a gig I got to plug real quick. It's coming up in a couple of weeks. I just booked it out of nowhere. After Milwaukee, I'm going to Madison, and I'm going to do a show. I'm doing a stand-up show at Comedy Club on State. I'm very excited. That's going to be October 12th. I'm doing it with my buddy, Logan Metz. He's a piano player from Promise of the Real, Lucas Nelson, Promise of the Real. He's going to open for me. We're going to perform together a little bit. That's awesome. Yeah, I got a legitimate rock star with me. It's going to be fucking crazy. Make sure you come and see it. Tickets are now available on eddytunes. Com. Also, Henry and I are coming to the Matilde Community Center two weeks after that on October Friday, October 24th, with Billy Wayne Davis. We're doing Side Stories in Humboldt.

We're going to have so much fun.

We did this show last year. This is our first repeat show together.

Yes.

This is the first time we're ever coming back to somewhere. That's how much fun we had.

We're coming up. We're going to have like, it's going to be fun. It's going to It's going to be really fun.

Yeah, so make sure you come out. The show is going to be completely different than it was last time because we don't remember what we said.

Nope. I was so stoned. I think it's going to happen again. But we're really, really excited. So come on out to Humboldt. If you're anywhere in the area, you can meet someone Some of the coolest people in the goddamn world.

They're all very cool. I love everyone up there.

And literally the best, finest weed you have ever had in your whole life. I believe it's like Ridgeline Farms. Huckleberry Farms. Huckleberry Farms and Ridgeline Farms. They're both amazing. Truly the most delicious best weed.

That Blueberry Caviar.

I need it back in my life.

That White Thorn Rose, dude. I need it all back in my fucking life. That shit's fucking nice. I finally finished the weed.

You finished all of it?

No, there's some left.

I need some.

I got some good stuff. Not too much left. There's a little bit of the Lance left. I want that. I got some Lance left. I want that. I love the Lance.

All right. Also, go check out our interview with Gwar. It's actually a lot more listenable than I thought it was. Yeah, It's exclusively on YouTube.

It's only on YouTube. Because the audio is difficult. Also, they are Gwar.

They're so visual.

It's a visual medium. Yes. So go watch it on YouTube. Subscribe to our YouTube and all the other YouTube channels. We have so much going on over there. There's a lot coming out. It's got a A lot of stuff in development that you're going to get. October is going to be a big month for us on YouTube. Yeah, bebé. So fucking stay.

A lot of shit.

Locked in. We got so much shit coming your way. We got new tour dates coming out soon for Side Stories and for my own standup I had last podcast, and I left all the way through 2026, at least through July or something like that. So stay tuned. We got so much coming out. Oh, and thank you. I got so many beautiful messages this week from dudes who played football.

That's so nice that you're getting nice messages. I haven't received a nice message in so long. I haven't received it.

You got shit. Everyone just tortured you. I got so many dudes reach out to me and talk about how they're so happy to hear another man talk about how football tortured them. No, it's nice. Thank you. You are heard, and I love you guys. There's two more Aaron Hernández parts coming out, so stay tuned this week and next. I fucking love you guys. Stay cool. Thanks for letting us put this out a day late also.

Yes. But you liked it, right?

Yeah. Get better, Dan Marino.

Yeah, I guess.

We're all rooting for you, Danny.

I mean, anything to distract. Anything to distract. Heil Satan, everyone.

Heil Dan Marino, again.

Be careful out there. Just what you're in a... I'm not in school. Going to... Don't run school until your jobs.

Robert Redford got out easy.

No, he literally just... No one thought about him.