Transcript of Olivia Colman

Hi, my name is Olivia Colman. And I feel incredibly excited about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

That's lovely.

That was nice.

That's very nice. I didn't know how that would go.

I was going to say "indifferent," but I thought that would be neat.

It's funny, when you said "indifferent," it sounded more real and natural. Really like it came from the heart.

She's a great actress.

You are a great actress.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there, and welcome to "Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend." Got the normal whack-pack with me today: Son of Obsession, Matt Gorley, and then—this is unusual—but we've brought in David Hopping.

Hello.

Usually you sub for Sona, but today I wanted you here.

And Matt.

And Matt.

You make it sound like I'm always out, but.

Well, you're out a lot.

Well, Matt's got a lot going on.

Matt's sickly.

Matt's a felon.

Okay.

Matt's sickly.

Guys, we're going down.

Again? And he keeps having babies.

He's the only guy I know who has an iron lung and uses it, but doesn't need to. He just does it as an affectation.

Can I justify it?

I was at King Richard's antique mall, and it was just staring at me.

Yeah.

Wow, in 1938, a live-ator.

From Dupont.

Yeah, from Dupont.

I don't understand any of that.

I want it. David, I wanted you to be here because you and I just took—I've been in New York a lot lately, and you've been going with me.

Yeah.

I've had a lot of different gigs and things that I need to show up for in New York, and I'm about to go again. And I think this month I'll have been there maybe three times in, like, four weeks. It's pretty insane. But I bring it up because it's really fun to go to New York.

It is.

And walk around and get this blast of energy. You know, I can't hide when I put on a hat and glasses, people say, "Hey, Conan with hat and glasses."

Well, even COVID, when you would wear a mask, you couldn't hide.

Yeah. Well, the mask said, "My name is Conan O'Brien. Please talk to me."

It was just a photorealistic printout of that part of your face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I had punched holes in it so I could talk to people more efficiently. Boy, did I get sick. We took the subway.

I wish you guys would have been there. It was like Conan set up for, like, half an hour a private meet-and-greet on the subway because we were at one corner.

It worked perfectly because every time you said.

I'm glad I wasn't there.

Every time we—

Cool face.

Yeah, you guys are good.

Did you need me in this?

No, every time it would stop, the car would empty out, and all the people I talked to would say, "Well, bye, Conan. Bye, and thanks for the advice." And they would get off, and then new people would come on, and it would start all over again.

You're just holding office hours on a real deal.

I was holding office hours like a college professor.

People were loving it.

With no skills. And it was—but it was fun, and we got down to—and then we were—there was one point where you and I were walking around and about, I want to say, 50 kids who come from Northern Ireland.

Yes.

They were all teenagers, saw me, recognized me for whatever, you know, from, I guess, from the internet, whatever.

And they were just from geneticism.

Yeah.

Just like a tingling in their blood.

His family's—

His family's—

His stomach's all fecked up like ours.

Some kind of druid sixth sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sensed him breathing. It's Conan O'Brien.

But they came over, and we just had a massive genetic get-together.

Yeah, that sounds ideal.

In Midtown on a street corner. It was so much fun.

And I saw a video of you online. I wasn't with you for this one, but you're in Central Park meeting a bunch of people, and someone was like, "Is like Conan O'Brien's the nicest guy," and it's just you walking.

That's when I'm doing my nice guy act.

Oh.

Then the minute the cameras are down. But I was also seeing things. I saw there was a group of, like, 20 women doing yoga in the park together, you know, doing all the different poses, and there were all these empty wine bottles around them. Like, they drink a lot of wine.

And you were just watching from the bushes?

Well, no. No.

I was just sitting standing there watching.

I was sketching them. I carry a sketchbook so I can get away with this stuff.

Sketchy, for sure, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. They're like, "You're not holding a pen." No, you just see all these things that are fascinating. It doesn't happen as much in LA.

Well, it's got to be like you're kind of like the almost the local boy, come home, this politician walking around, and everybody knows you and loves you, you know?

I'm not sure they love me. I think the nice thing about New York is if they don't love you, they just keep moving.

That's nice.

So it's positive selection.

Okay.

It's not negative selection.

Good.

You get, you know, "Oh, I know him, and I don't loathe him. I'll go over and say hi." But it was—we had a lot of adventures.

We did. And walking around with you is fun too because you get, like, the whole Conan O'Brien history tour. Like, as we're walking, he'll be like, "Oh, I lived there for a year. I did a skit here."

Well, so much of it is—well, first of all, I lived in almost one apartment a year between all my time at Saturday Night Live and all my time doing late night. If you add that, it comes to almost—it's about 19 or 20 years.

Yeah, wow.

If you add it all up. And there was a period in my life where I sublet, and I was always there in an apartment for a year, maybe a year and a half, and they're all over Manhattan. So I'm constantly—it's not one or two apartments that I lived in. It's hundreds of them.

Oh, my God.

I'm moving around like a killer. But the crazier thing is I cannot pass a street corner and not remember, "Oh, here's where I was dressed in lederhosen, throwing melted chocolate on people. Oh, here I am with Abe Vigoda, and we were throwing snowballs at Mayor Koch." Like, whatever. We shot for years and years and years so many things. And that's what I think of. Not a romantic kiss with my fiancée. No, I don't have any memories like that.

Because that didn't happen.

Well, it's going to happen. I'm going to kiss Liza one day if she allows it.

Aw.

What's that?

Aw. That'll be sweet.

Do you ever get a break from kind of going along with Conan, get-your-own-time?

I do.

And does that—you can speak freely.

Yeah.

You just.

No, he's good about it. He.

But does that feel like a break?

Well, let him speak. Let him speak.

Okay.

There's leading the witness, and then there's making the witness say something unpleasant.

I'll remind you you're under oath.

Doesn't it break? Doesn't it break?

But David, do you or do you not get your own time? What do I encourage?

I have my own time. I've said this, I think, on here before, but he—every New York trip, Conan will buy me a ticket to a Broadway show.

What the fuck?

Yeah, but he does to me.

He only lockets every time.

I've been to New York with you a million times. You never bought me a ticket to the Broadway show. I went with you a couple times, actually.

Yeah, no, wait a minute.

And I actually don't want to go.

I said, "As many hot dogs as you want, as long as it's street food," and you said, "Great."

I also did, really.

And then I said, "Hot dogs or each time a ticket to a Broadway show," and you said, "Hot dogs" before I finished the sentence.

Yeah. I like hot dogs. I do like hot dogs.

As many as you want.

You also like to just, like, chill in your hotel when you're in New York.

No, but back then I would go hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, that was—I had things.

You were not interested in seeing a Broadway show. You were interested in becoming a different person.

But it was never an option.

Maybe moving in with someone. Okay, let's move on.

It was fun. I had good times.

It was good times. I would lose her for months at a time.

Really?

Yeah, and then it turns out, "Oh, no, she runs a strip joint downtown. She's making a killing." Sona owns—she's a butcher now. Yeah, and then I did this—what was really fun is Tina asked me to—Tina Fey asked me to join in on this 30 Rock reunion that was at Radio City. That was so much fun because so many great people were there backstage, and it was just a great hang. That was my, like, first of all, catching up with Tina, catching up with Alec Baldwin and Jack McBrayer, and just everybody who's associated with that show.

Not even, no.

I go right into sketch mode, and then he's looking at you saying, "Why?"

Yeah.

Why won't he stop?

Before he left, he came up to tell me that he was glad he could fill in to take all the heat from you for one night.

Yeah.

I know.

Yeah, because just to riff.

Just to riff on you for similar things about, like, how elevators work.

Uh-huh, and how tall the buildings are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, any Jack McBrayer riff is also a David Hopping riff. You need to find ways to regenerate these things.

Oh, okay.

I know. I'm saying the riff that works for Jack McBrayer of him being a hick slides right over to David Hopping, and you get to repurpose.

You mean if you don't use that muscle, you'll lose it? Is that what you're trying to say?

Yeah, is that what you mean? It's important for you to continue and find something new?

I was thinking of more like recycling.

Oh.

Instead of a bit going to waste, you get to use it twice.

Oh, that's nice.

I know.

Yeah. You're being resourceful.

Yeah.

Okay, that's good.

Yeah. Like, all the riffs that I do about you, I could also use if I met a yeti, maybe.

What?

You know what I mean?

A yeti?

Yeah, some crazy beast that came out of the woods. Hair flying, insane.

Who do you use Gorley's on?

Yeah, whoa.

Oh, my God, you have no idea.

Oh, no.

Well, Gorley's a special case.

Gorley is special.

Yeah.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

You're a bespoke weirdo, you know?

Yes.

It doesn't—there's not a word.

It's a compliment.

I'm my own kind of freak.

Exactly.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll take that.

Anyway, I had a wonderful time. It was really a lot of fun, and yeah, I think I'll be.

We'll be back in, like, two days.

Yeah, we'll be back in a few days.

What show are you going to see this time?

I don't know yet.

Yeah.

Figure it out. I usually do a last-minute choice, yeah.

And I'm going to pretty much live on the L, so you can come see me. I'm just going to ride the L back and forth from.

I'm going to start taking cash and charging people to go up and say hi.

There you go.

I'm going to sit there. I'm going to set up a desk and just talk to people. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Yeah.

All right, let's get into it. My guest today is an Academy Award-winning actress you know from "The Crown" and "The Favorite." Now you can see her in the new movie "Wicker." I think she's one of the best actors working.

She's one of my favorite people that ever walked the earth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's absolutely incredible.

Same.

And I'm—

I can't wait.

I'm thrilled she's here today.

Olivia Colman, welcome.

This is a special day for us, and I'll tell you why. I adore you. I think you're one of my favorite actors. You have been for quite a while. And then I get to work today, and because I need to now fly to New York right after this podcast, I had a car pick me up, which is unusual. So a town car picked me up at home and dropped me off here at work.

I know.

And posh, very posh.

An aristocrat.

I didn't say a good town car. But we pull up, and everyone from the office thought it was you, and everyone rushed out. And I saw a degree of love and respect that I have never seen before.

I've never seen that.

And then I come in, and everyone's dressed up. They're all looking out the window waiting for you. And I have to say, Olivia, my feelings are hurt.

I'm not saying sorry.

I've never come close to this level of excitement, so.

You should come to my house. That would happen at my house.

I don't think so. That's very nice of you.

It would, I promise.

Okay. You'll coach them before I.

Yeah, I'll pay them.

Yeah. You'll say, "He's from America." We are going to be talking about your new film "Wicker," which I was allowed to see night before last, and I adore it. It's fantastic.

Thank you.

And I told you, sometimes they tell me, "Well, to help with the interview, Conan gets to see the movie." And sometimes it doesn't help because occasionally—I'm not naming names, but occasionally the movie is shit. And I—well, I shouldn't say that.

Oh, you should.

Well, sometimes.

Ooh.

I think we can both agree it's a tricky thing to make a really good movie. "Wicker" is fantastic.

Thank you very much.

It's really—

I mean, we do all make films that are bad, just, you know, can't help it.

We don't.

But I'm really pleased you love "Wicker" then.

I absolutely love it. Cast is amazing. I saw some of them the other night at some Hollywood event that I needed to do a turn at. I saw Alexander Skarsgård, who I know a little bit, who plays your Wicker husband beautifully.

Yes.

And Elizabeth—help me with her last name.

DeBicki.

DeBicki. I've been very happily married for a long time.

Yeah.

And I remain happily married.

But Elizabeth DeBicki.

I'm still recovering.

Oh, she's breathtaking, yeah.

She is absolutely breathtaking, and she's amazing in the film.

Yeah, she is.

And then, of course, you've got—

I'm very nice.

You've got Peter Dinklage.

Oh, my God. He's amazing as well.

Who frightens me a little bit. He's intimidating, that fellow.

He's so brilliant.

He's so brilliant, but I always think he's—

He's very funny.

He's extremely funny.

Yeah.

We will talk more about the film. I wanted to start talking about you. I think the first time you came to my attention was "Hot Fuzz."

Oh, wow.

I was watching the film "Hot Fuzz," and I love—I love those series of films, and "Hot Fuzz" is a favorite. My son and I watch "Hot Fuzz" all the time together, and the first time I saw you, you had the smallest part, but you are so funny, and you really pop in that film.

Thanks.

And now, all these years later, it's strange to see you in such a small part, but because it's like, "Wait a minute," you know? That's Oscar-winning Olivia Colman, who's great in everything, and you're great in this, but it's such a small part. It took you a while. Your career was a slow burn.

Yes. Oh, yes. And for the first year after drama school, I think I did 100 auditions, didn't get a single one.

Oh, my God.

I know. And lots of temping and working at cleaning and—but I'm very grateful for those years because it means I'm appreciative of working.

Yeah.

You get paid more doing a film than cleaning.

Do you ever tend to go back to the cleaning because?

I did love that job, actually. I did. If I could get paid more, I'd, yeah.

If you could make the same amount you make making Oscar-winning movies, maybe, yeah, maybe the cleaning would be because you get to work with all those chemicals. It's fun.

It's so much fun. But I felt I took great pride in knowing that, for example, if there was a weird sort of nanny cam, they'd know that I was very well-behaved, never looking—didn't look at anyone's drawers.

You know what's funny? Now people are going to be reviewing their nanny cams if they still have the footage.

Yeah.

"That's Olivia Colman scrubbing out my toilet, and she's very good." You've described yourself as not being a very good student.

Not on purpose.

Some people do it on purpose. Oh, boy, do I know trigonometry, but I choose not to.

I just—I struggled to concentrate a lot of the time. And I was, I think, jolly, you know? I just wasn't very—wasn't very good at concentrating. Same as when I was a waitress.

Yeah.

Enthusiastic, not necessarily good at it.

Did you?

I'd bring you a sandwich. We wouldn't order a sandwich.

I actually prefer this.

That's my kind of waitress.

Thank you. Yeah, it's diagnostic serving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you—were you the kind that was confident you didn't write things down?

Oh, no.

It terrifies me when a waiter comes over and you're telling them what I'd like is a Reuben sandwich, but if you could go easy on the cheese and if you could—and they're like, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh," and you know there's no way they get this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So sorry. Am I allowed to swear?

You're allowed to swear.

Oh, fuck that. Okay, good.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Can't you fuck, fuck? Sorry.

Now you've gone too far.

They don't like that word today.

This is over.

I'm so sorry.

No, no. People love it when women say it.

Yeah, okay.

When a man says it, he's put in a prison, I think, actually.

Oh, unless you're English, in which case you can say it in an affectionate way.

Oh, no, no, no. In England, right? It's a whole other ballgame there.

It is, it is. So it's quite alarming when people look shocked when I say it here. I have learned over the years to try not to.

No, no. You're Olivia Colman.

I said kindly.

You've earned the—yes.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Yeah, I would say, "Cunt it up."

You see?

And now—oh, no, no, it's over for me now. Now I'm sorry, but I'm going to get a T-shirt that says that.

Cunt it up.

There's nothing pearl-clutching about hearing you say it for some reason.

Oh, it's the worst.

It's the worst. Yeah, I'm going to stick with it. You take that out, I'll kill you.

Oh, no.

Because you know what? If this is what ends me in this country, I'm okay with that.

Yeah.

You talk about these—you struggled for a while, but then you're in Broadchurch. I remember, I think you were so good in Broadchurch, and I love—I just have a soft spot always for—I don't know if you guys are the same, but if the Brits are making it, I always assume it's going to be good. And I just have that—I don't know if it's a self-effacing thing, but I generally, when I'm watching BritBox, which I watch a lot, and I'm watching different shows that are from Britain, especially I grew up idolizing British comedy, just idolizing it, and I always thought, "Well, they're just better than us at this."

See, that's interesting. I think we feel the same in the other direction.

Really?

Americans, and the way they overlap their lines, it feels so natural, and we try it, and it doesn't feel quite the same.

Really?

I feel.

I think that's just impatience and selfishness on our part. I'm like, "I'm not talking enough."

Yes.

Hey, I'm talking. See, no, I'm talking. But that's so interesting.

I think there's a naturalism that Americans do, which I really—I love. I try to copy it, but it doesn't. I don't know if I'm—I'll try more. I'll try. I'll be better.

I think this is the reason you've largely failed in your career. It's really your own fault. I thought you were great in Broadchurch, and then I love "The Night Manager."

Oh, yeah.

And.

Excuse me, did I make a noise?

Yeah.

What was that noise?

First of all, I think Le Carré and Olivia Colman are two of my favorite things that ever existed on this planet. I'm sorry to embarrass you, but it's just.

Yes.

He will be following you.

I'm very shy about this.

He'll be following you when you leave.

Yes.

But in a spy way, like a Le Carré way.

Yeah, yeah.

Not in a creepy way.

We love it when you're creepy about it.

Yes.

And furtive.

"The Night Manager" is so good, and I was so delighted there was another one, and that—and for a while, I think it was a surprise that you were going to be back because I thought, "Well, there's no way they get Olivia Colman back. You've just become—you're too big now." And then when you showed up, I was just over the moon.

Oh, great.

Yeah, so. And then, of course, "The Crown." I mean, I'm just running through your resume, but people need to understand that you have been, from my point of view, unerring. You've just—everything you do, you pick very well, and then you're just kind of perfect in things. And so I want you to leave filled with joy.

This is literally the best day I've ever had. Thanks, guys.

Yeah. Until I said, "Cunt it up." Which you just did again. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah, "The Crown." And one of the things that's—I thought "The Crown" series was impeccable, and the fact that they chose, which I thought was brilliant, to not start with Claire Foy and then age her, the way different.

Yeah.

Actresses came in and took over the part, and it was so powerful, and because of the caliber of the acting, I never thought, "Well, we've got it. Who is, you know? Why have we switched out a new other?" It was perfection.

That was a brilliant idea of theirs. And also, it is too hard. I mean, you are sort of different people as you go through your life.

Yeah.

I suppose. I'm a very different person to when I was a teenager. I'll probably be very different and much more grumpy when I'm, you know, in my 80s.

That's not fair.

But that's not suggesting anyone is—I was just thinking.

Let me take that on myself. That's not what you meant, but I know some terrible old people. And that's coming from—that's coming from me. And if you're out there and you're an old, terrible person and you have a problem with what I just said, just try and catch me, you old fool.

Oh, wow. Oh, dear. We're done.

Yeah. Trust me. This is my last podcast, but what a way to go out.

Yeah.

No, it was a brilliant idea, and you're right. You pick up the queen at different moments of her life, but I was completely convinced it was the same person.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was very moved when it ended.

And also, the timing was—I think it was very close to the time that she died, that the final episode came out.

Yeah, it was.

And even people who aren't royalists—and I'm not a royalist, but I see them all as human beings.

Yeah, yeah.

And she was beloved by everyone. She was a really impressive human being.

Yes.

And so, yeah, everybody was shocked. Weirdly, she was old, but you just think she's going to keep going.

Well, I think you think about it, there's—she was part of, you know, the closest corollary we have in America is Franklin Roosevelt was president for like 16 years.

Wow.

And when he died in 1945, there were people who he had been the only president they ever knew.

Oh, yeah.

So people were stunned. And then you think, well, Queen Elizabeth was in her 90s.

Yeah. Yeah, she was early 20s, wasn't she, when she came to the throne, I think?

Yeah.

Wasn't she? Yeah. Was she on honeymoon when she came back and her father had died?

I believe so.

Everybody should know this because I'm not.

I mean, yeah. I mean, I'm sorry. You were in the show.

Yeah.

I can answer questions about me, and that's about it. I have to mention again, and then I'll be done with your resume, but it's just insane, "The Favorite," which I rewatched last night.

Did you?

In preparation for you being here, and I've now seen it, I think, four times.

Oh, wow.

And it's flawless, and obviously, you won the Oscar for that role, but I was watching the part, and again, the acting throughout is brilliant, and the writing is brilliant, but your—when the camera holds on you as Queen Anne, when it holds on you.

Watching the dance?

Yes, you're watching the dance, and you seem pleased, and then we see the darkness descend on you, and it's a really long take, and you don't have a line for the longest time, and I was watching that, and I thought, well, that is the power of cinema at its best, and I don't understand what it takes to be able to do that.

But it's nice when people leave the camera running because then you get to—and it's well-written, you know?

Yeah.

And also, Rachel and—was she dancing with Joe?

Yeah, yeah.

And they're doing it.

Joe Allen and Rachel Weisz.

Yeah, yeah.

They're dancing together, and you're watching them, and then you just see this cloud start to descend on you, and.

But I think that's a good director, a good writer, gorgeous performers who are helping.

Yeah.

Who are your team. They're on your side.

Yeah.

They're doing it for you. But your ghost, you know, told me, "This is what you're thinking." And so this is easy, then.

Can you tell me what he said that you were thinking?

You're loving watching your lover dance. You become jealous that you can't do it. You become, you know, and this sort of neurosis kicks in.

Yeah.

But to be able to have the camera just staying on you is a treat.

Yeah.

So it's—I think lots of people can do that and just don't get—everyone cuts around it normally.

Right. Well, I'm not going to go with you on "Lots of people can do it." Maybe you'll say that, but I'm going to go a different way. And.

But thank you very much. That's very nice.

Oh, my God. It's just extraordinary, and it's funny because I read a quote of yours, which you said, "Acting is the only thing I can do. I'm bad at everything else," and that you actually.

If I say I'm going to cook for you, say no.

No? Well, I'm in the same camp.

Oh, really?

I'm in the same camp. I'm very bad at a lot of things, and whenever people, on the off chance that someone does compliment me, and it will happen someday, I'm not here.

Are you fishing? I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want us to right now?

No, no, I know not to fish in this pond. There hasn't been a fish in this pond in 700 years. But you actively wish, like, you played an instrument or that you had this—what is—there must be something else that you're really good at.

I'm really good at folding.

Well, let's find out. Wow, that's amazing. Do you do those kind of like secret super folds that are like tricky hacks, or you're just good at traditional folding?

Oh, they're not hacks.

Okay.

Yeah, traditional folding. My linen cupboard is so beautiful.

Wow.

And if any of my kids don't go to get something out.

Oh.

And they leave it sort of with the corner up, and it makes my head itch. I have to go back in and redo.

And fix it up.

Yeah.

Okay. So folding, we've got that.

Folding.

We know that you're a good cleaner.

Cleaner, yeah. I'm good at cleaning.

Yes.

Yeah.

Is there one kind of food that you can make? I mean.

I'm quite good at baking.

Okay, well, there you go.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, only because my husband's not really interested in baking, so I get the glory at the end of, you know, I've done a pudding.

That's so funny. My wife cooks everything, and she's very good, but I don't think she thinks it's because that she gets all the glory. It's because she knows I can make the ramen's instant soup where you, you know, you pour the packet.

Oh, do you?

Into the.

You just pour hot water into.

Yes.

The noodles.

I know how to do that.

Okay, that's good.

And I can make a tuna fish sandwich.

That's pretty good. Yeah, that's good.

No, it's not.

Well, no, I'm being kind.

You're a terrible actor, I'm realizing now.

I am.

When you don't believe in it.

That's great.

That's very good. You cried a little bit when you said that. You have said that a role that you would love to play is Mrs. M on the Bond film. Now, this man.

Desperate.

Desperate.

I'm just like.

You mean M, right?

M.

M, not Mrs. M like the wife of M. You mean.

Yeah, yeah.

I have been calling on the gods for you to play M forever.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I say it whenever I get the chance.

Yeah. We.

Maybe I've done it too much.

We met one of the gentlemen that's producing the new Bond.

Did you?

Yeah.

Did you say that?

He was around. I met him at a party. He also, he's done the Bond franchise. He's responsible now for the new Bond.

Yeah, he's starting on the Bond.

And he's also done.

Yeah, he's starting the new Bond.

Yeah, but he's done Paddington, which I think those are.

David Heyman. Yeah.

Those are remarkable films. His name?

David Heyman.

David Heyman.

I know David Heyman.

Okay, let's make this happen.

You know David Heyman.

I would.

You know someone she doesn't know in a way, right?

I was.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Sona.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me.

We don't have time for this petty bullshit. We've got to get her M, okay?

I kind of found David.

But wait a minute.

I didn't think you're doing that.

Do you realize, oh, wait a minute, Ray Fiennes, what is he doing now? Has he got the role now?

He's playing.

He's playing President Snow in the Hunger Games thing.

Oh, so he's busy. He doesn't need any. He's busy.

He's busy.

Also, I love him.

He sold his soul.

Also.

He's done. Also, Ray Fiennes, he's fine, but come on. He's not really an actor.

Oh, my God.

It has to be you. It has to be you. By the way, just for anyone who's confused or just reading a transcript and didn't read my tone, he's one of my all-time favorite actors as well. He's amazing.

That's what I'm saying. When you read a transcript, so at one interview, I said, "I wanted M," and then fucking Rafe got it. And. In black and white, that looks awful.

Right. Well, but if they know you, only a heartless.

Because I love him.

Yeah.

He's amazing.

No, he's wonderful, but you'd be fantastic, and I know that people listen to me and my takes on who should play who.

This is the problem here. I think this is where we get into trouble.

You think I'm off my meds again?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I think you would be absolutely amazing, and it's going to happen.

It's got to happen.

I'm going to say that. It's got to happen.

It's got to happen.

Because it's perfect.

Thanks, guys. Thanks.

You're not being coy. You don't know something we don't know.

Oh, no, I wouldn't.

Okay.

No, no, no. I can't.

You can't.

No.

Right, okay.

No.

But imagine her in the wood-paneled office with the leather-quilted door.

I know.

It's just got to happen. It's got to happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, from your lips, and I'm not going to say to gods here, we know the person to talk to.

Yeah.

Yeah. From my lips to David Heyman's.

We're going to talk to David Heyman.

Yeah. And he's my friend now.

Oh.

Now, when he hears that, he's going to say, "Well, that's not really true. I chatted with you at a party, and you asked me way too many questions about the new Bond, but I believe we are best friends now in my mind."

How's it going with you asking him if I could play Bond?

Oh.

Yeah, he actually choked.

On Bond?

He choked on a shrimp canapé.

Okay.

When I said that.

I get it.

When I showed him your picture.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Can you see?

Yeah.

See?

And she's M.

No, he said you'd be good at the person who comes to repair Bond's.

Cute.

His clock.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, no, no, not even a cool gadget, just a little clock that's a little off, and you come in and you.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

You've said something that really.

You're making me so high.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

He's so excited. You've never—we're all very excited, but when you take—when you cross the beam of Olivia Colman and Bond, your wig starts spinning, and I know it's a wig.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it's—I'm just in—I won't even belabor it anymore.

Yeah.

You have said fame is—you find fame, the whole concept of fame, kind of embarrassing, which I think is delightful, and it's why you're delightful, but that it just feels silly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it so depends on who you have around you as well. I just sort of keep my head down, and I'm very lucky. My husband and I met when we were 20, so he thought I was annoying long before everyone else realized I was. And yeah, and I was already a grown-up before it happened.

Yes, yes.

But I'm still not good at it. When I'm at work, I, you know, but when someone takes a video of you and you're not at work, oh, I just think that's very odd, and I don't know how people cope.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I tend to not go out.

That's too bad.

What's that?

I don't like that for you.

Oh, I do.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. That's why my linen cupboard is so.

Yeah, more folding time.

Yeah.

Sometimes you're given a gift, but it's also problematic, and for you, you've talked about this. You're a sensitive person, and this is, I'm sure, enormously helpful to you as an actor, but also probably at times problematic too.

Yes.

You've said that it is hard for you when you're doing a scene not to feel the emotions that you're—there's no barrier. You're not able to control that as much.

Yeah, I'm a very simple creature, I think. When people ask, "How do you do it?" I don't know, just say it, and it's sad or.

Your lectures on acting are very short.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I always said my book on acting would be really short.

Yeah.

Because.

But you talk about this—it's fascinating. You did a scene, I think it was with Helena Bonham Carter. You did a scene with her.

Oh.

And you couldn't stop. It required for you to be sort of self-possessed as.

The queen.

The queen would be.

Yeah.

Self-possessed and not emotive, but you kept getting very emotional because you couldn't stop. You couldn't help it.

Yeah.

So what did you do?

Because she was saying, which I can't repeat because it would make me cry, but she was talking about an event that happened in Wales, and.

Yes.

She was Princess Margaret, and her husband had gone to go and volunteer to help.

Yeah.

Her character was telling me about it, and I was meant to be trying to bravely listen, and I kept going, "And sorry." And then everyone just went, and it was quite early on, I think, as well, in my.

Yeah.

Term.

Your reign.

Yeah.

I believe it was the coal miner.

Yeah.

There was a collapse or a landslide in a coal mine, and it was devastating to a community, and this was a huge moment.

It buried a school.

Yeah. Oh, it's just terrible. Yeah.

Awful, and so I couldn't listen to it. And then, so the lovely sound department gave me an earpiece and just played loudly the shipping forecast. Helena went, "This is charming."

So they broke in with a tragic news alert on the radio.

Yeah. So I'm sort of.

Yeah.

Listening to South at 0:00, North at 0:00, Fair to Middley.

That's great. A shipment from Ikea, of course, will be slightly delayed, and then you burst into tears. Wow, okay. Yeah, so I was wondering why the queen was wearing a giant earpiece during that very powerful scene. I told you that I was very fortunate enough to see Wicker. One of my favorite ways to go into a movie is to know absolutely nothing.

Yeah.

And what I loved about my experience with Wicker is I knew absolutely nothing.

That's quite impressive because, weirdly, that trailer, everyone has seen.

No, no, a lot of people have seen the trailer, but.

I've seen it a few times.

I am not. What's that supposed to say?

I love it.

I'm not into.

I don't know.

I am not on social media as much. I mean, and so, and I haven't been in a movie theater for a while, so I haven't seen the trailer, and so it just starts.

I love that.

And I immediately was captivated. You make these transformations that are completely 100% honest. The way the movie starts, you're just this outcast, and then once a husband, once you're presented with a husband who, by the way, is Alexander Skarsgård, and he's made of Wicker, and he.

Oh, yeah, she's done well.

Yeah. And I also love this says a lot about Alexander Skarsgård. He's made of Wicker, but it's because it's Alexander Skarsgård, I'm like, "I would do that guy."

Yeah.

And even if he's Wicker, I don't care.

Same.

Yeah.

He's so beautiful.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And a lovely person.

Oh, my God, he's lovely, and he's funny, and he's witty, and he's self-deprecating, and it was just doing a press tour with him has been so nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I also saw there's certain notes that I've seen throughout your career, but it is you're so good as you were in The Favorite. Everything's kind of perfect, and I don't want to give away too much, but then it's very human. Doubt and jealousy start to come into it.

Yeah.

And it's heartbreaking, but it's just lovely. Really lovely.

Thank you. We're so proud of it, and, you know, you make a small art house film, and it's hard work, and people are really committed to it, and then that it's had a sort of life of its own. And when the trailer, the director's cut the trailer.

Yeah.

It's really good, and it also doesn't show 90% of the film.

Yes.

Which is really nice because they hate it when, you know.

Yeah, that's what makes me crazy.

The best bits are in a trailer.

Yeah, that's what it makes me crazy with my kids is they'll say, "I want to see the trailer for Jaws," and in the trailer, there's a shark. "Oh, no, it's killing people. Don't worry, we blew it up. Go see it." I'm like, "Why?"

Spoiler alert.

Yeah.

Spoiler alert.

The film was made in 1975.

Oh, okay.

If you haven't seen Jaws, go fuck yourself. Whoa.

Whoo.

I'm sorry, Olivia.

You're fine.

I was trying to be very, I was trying to be on my best behavior today, and I've completely blown it.

I love it.

You just kunted it up is what you did. That's three. Okay.

Also, just if I could.

Yeah, of course. Go ahead.

So the fisherwoman, she doesn't become happier because she's got a husband.

Yeah.

She was very happy on her own, and the only woman in the village with agency in her own job and her own name, fisherwoman, everyone else is named after their husband's job, and she orders her husband in order to shut them all up and to sort of have the last laugh and mock their obsession with marriage and the whole concept of marriage. So, but she just, yeah, I love it that you can see this strong person. The cracks appear because.

Yeah, yeah.

Love is getting in, and it makes that she's doubtful and suddenly not as strong.

Yeah.

And then when she realizes it's love, it's just, oh, I love it. I love it.

It's a really, it's just a beautiful film. People love the trailer, and it's been a huge success. I did not see it before I watched the movie, and I've seen it since, but people have been having a lot of fun with it, and Ikea did something really brilliant. Have you heard about this?

No.

Yeah.

No.

Do you want to say what it is?

So I think it was Australia Ikea, wasn't it?

Yeah.

They had on their online thing because I don't have social media either, so other people sent it to me, but they had a Wicker bench, and it said, "Husband material." And then it said, "If you know, you know." It was so.

Yeah, we just got the best gifts.

Look at these amazing things.

Yeah.

You brought us.

So this is, you brought, first of all, this should be a new policy that everyone has to bring gifts.

Yeah.

And it's going to be called the Olivia Colman rule.

I already opened mine.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That's good drama.

Sorry.

Wow, I can't open a box. There it is.

There's conversation about what this is.

Yeah, we were having a conversation.

We got bust.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's what I said, but that's not what you said.

I was just going to say so.

That is not what I thought.

What did you say?

I said it was a Wicker dick.

Oh, that's a funny shape.

It is.

That's what girlies have.

Olivia, I want to apologize. This won't air. This won't go out, and so this will not be promotion forever.

I have only seen the trailer, but yes, but it's beautiful, and. So we had Black Bear offices yesterday, some press, and they had some of these.

This is amazing.

Aren't they lovely? I also love crafts.

You know what's amazing too is, what kind of crafts do you do?

I like sewing and pottery and.

You are good at things.

Yeah.

I know what I have a feeling.

I'm enthusiastic, and there's a difference.

Well, that matters. That's all that matters. It says here you're a physicist. The depiction of Peter Dinklage's character, the Wicker craftsman working, is so beautiful. It's so beautifully shot that, and I'm one of those people who, when I do go online, if someone is restoring an old motorcycle they found in a barn and taking all the oil off and putting it back together and welding things, I can watch that forever. And the same thing with someone who has a real skill.

Yeah.

Just, I was mesmerized when Peter Dinklage is building the Wicker man.

Yeah.

And it's kind of captivating.

And he did learn to weave, so he made a basket, which he kept in his house in New York.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

So cool.

Yeah, so cool. Oh, I was going to say, oh, it's gone. Nope, it's gone. Sorry.

Well, that can't happen again.

Yeah. So a really useful piece of art.

So you had an idea, and now it's just gone?

Yeah, totally gone.

Well, what do we do now?

Wicker? Was it?

Wicker ding? Was it?

Sewing? Ceramics?

Was it Peter Dinklage? Was it physicist? You're a physicist.

Oh, that's what it was, yeah.

You sew clothes, or what do you usually sew?

Oh, curtains, but simple curtains or patchwork quilts.

Do you use a sewing machine?

A sewing machine.

I'm sorry. For the listener, what were you doing?

Stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch.

It looked like you were pumping Italian soda. Have you seen my sewing machine? My sewing machine is a very strange one.

Is that driving as well?

Yeah.

Cycling.

I don't know. You know what I was doing? I don't know why I did that. I'm so embarrassed.

Was that the wheel of the footwheel thing?

I think I was doing the pedal of the, you know, the I was doing the old-fashioned one because I grew up in a Mennonite community where there was no electricity.

Right, right.

My God.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pick on you.

You made a fool out of me, Olivia.

Oh, yeah.

She had every right.

She had every right.

You made a fool out of me, and it was way too easy. We had that once on the podcast when Sir Paul McCartney was doing the podcast, and he said he did some joke at my expense, and this was in front of an audience, and the crowd really laughed, and I said, "You just made a fool of me, Paul," and he said, "It's just so easy."

Wow.

And I thought, "Wow." Zinged by a Beatle made me very, very happy. I have a question about your family. You talked about this uneasy relationship with fame. I imagine they're good at not being impressed in a way.

Oh, yeah.

Which is what I get in spades. I get that.

Which I really admire, and actually, that's kind of what we hoped for, but then occasionally, come on, be a bit impressed with your mummy.

Exactly. Exactly.

But no.

Yeah. I'm like, "Well, where's my Oscar?" Oh, we threw it out.

Yeah.

We threw it out. Have there been a thing or two where they have recognized it?

Yeah. Paddington was.

Yes.

My youngest was, how long ago was that? Three or four years? So she was quite small, and when I said, "I'm going to work on Paddington," and she said, "Did you meet him?"

Oh.

Oh, that's cute. Really, I know.

And what did you say?

Well, there was, this isn't for younger viewers, is it?

Yeah.

So I can't.

I hope not.

No.

After we're not.

Oh, yes, no. I've just thought back to what we've said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there was a photo of all of the cast and crew, but they use Paddington's head on the stick.

Oh, my God.

You know, so you have an eyeline, and so we also have an actress, Lauren, who is the same height as Paddington, so she does all the words, and you see your eyeline, but occasionally for when they do the.

Yeah.

You know, the silver ball.

Yeah, yes, to make sure that you're looking in the exact right way because they've set up the cameras and the lighting, and they need it just to be right.

So his head is on a stick, and so this was in front of all of us, and I thought, "Oh, God, I can't show her." That's why I was cropping the photo, trying to, so it looked like he was just peering over there.

Oh.

That was weird.

Oh, I know.

And then she saw me on The Simpsons, and she thought that was very cool.

Yeah.

Recently.

Every now and then, you get to shine.

Yeah, you do get that little side eye, that sort of, "Oh, okay."

I mean, it's so interesting because the Paddington movies score the highest on Rotten Tomatoes and in every category, and I think there are film scholars who've said, "You should study Paddington too because it's."

Oh, it's the best.

It's perfect.

It is.

It is perfect, and you look at it, and you think, "Yes, it is."

Was it the first one when he did the toothbrush in his ears?

Yes.

And you sort of went, "Yeah."

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's why I started doing it.

Yeah. I feel that way about Fleabag.

Yes.

I think Fleabag is one of those perfect comedies. She's a genius. Yeah, but also, you're a genius in that too.

Yeah.

That was her telling me what to do. But your character is one of my favorites.

I was actually became aware of you in The Office.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, yeah, and how great you were in that.

That was.

Yeah. That's all this is, is a.

I just love it.

It's going to devolve into a big.

You don't like this?

And you know what? We don't normally do this.

No, we don't.

It's kind of embarrassing.

It's embarrassing.

This is just embarrassing, but it's also, it's your fault.

I get it back every week.

Yeah. This is like a spa treatment for you.

Yes, correct.

You're going to come out, and people are going like, "You're glowing." No, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, I saw her at an event, and she was talking to, it was a big event that I was at, and there was a little group of Brits all talking together, and you're going to have to help me because sometimes when I'm tired, and I've been running around a lot, it's coming up with names.

Oh, I brought these with names.

Andrew Scott. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

Andrew Scott was in the group who I had just interviewed, and he was sitting in your chair, and he was lovely.

Oh, my God, he's divine.

And then Phoebe Waller-Bridge's her partner.

Martin.

Yeah.

McDonagh.

Martin McDonagh. So my wife and I are watching Phoebe Waller-Bridge's, Martin McDonagh, Andrew Scott, and they're all in this little group talking to each other.

Recently, so he's here for a while now.

No, no, no. This was a couple of months ago.

Okay.

At a big wedding.

Oh, that wedding.

That wedding, yes. And I was not invited. I came in through the kitchen. You know, you can just grab.

Illegally.

You can grab a tray and just start walking around and get into anything. But I saw, I mean, everyone in the world was at this wedding, this Taylor Swift wedding, and I look over with my wife, and we see those three talking to each other in a tight little British nodule, like this little hard shell talking together, and I felt like it was high school again because the three coolest kids in the room were talking, and I just wanted to be part of the conversation.

Oh, and you know the three coolest kids, they're not the coolest kids. They're going, "Oh my God, I can't believe we're here."

Oh, they look like they were pretty confident they should be there. And my wife and I were just, we were just sitting there like, "Oh my God, to be able to talk to those, that grouping of those three," and I've never met Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and I've said to Andrew Scott, like, "That would be, she's on my very, very short list next to you of people I would love to meet," but hasn't happened, and I was maybe 15 feet away, and I couldn't do it. I was like, "I can't go over there and risk her having saying off with you, scum."

Oh my God, you'd love her.

Yeah. Don't do that.

She's wonderful. Oh, sorry.

That's making it more difficult for me.

Sorry, sorry.

I hear she smells like onions.

Oh.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

She's one of those people in any room, you just find yourself shuffling over, you just want to be near her.

Yeah.

And she's, it's like a light bulb goes on when she looks at you. She's just kind and funny and clever, self-deprecating, very beautiful.

Okay, well anyway. Between her and Elizabeth. What was her last name again? Debbie Eckey?

Debicki.

Debicki. I always say it wrong. I think it's because I'm in love with.

Say it as it's written.

What's that? Yeah.

Just say it as you would read it.

It's like a human being.

I do. I see what you mean. It's quite easy, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Being mean to you.

It gets easier, and it's harder to resist the more you go.

Yeah, I'm already feeling that.

Yeah. Go for it. Dig into it.

Anytime.

Really time.

Go for it.

Yeah, anytime you're feeling down or you have a big scene coming up, you can call me. You can reverse the charges. Let's pretend that's still a thing. And you can just make fun of me.

Oh, thank you.

And then you'll just.

Oh, I'm so happy.

And it will come very easily.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks.

This has been.

It's a mark of affection though, clearly.

Sure. This has been, this is one of my favorite days. It really is. It's one of my favorite days. We've been doing this for a long time, but you are an absolute joy, and I was a little.

I don't want to go. Are you wrapping it up?

Yeah. I'm wrapping it up because we're done.

Don't.

You can go.

Yeah.

I always assume you've got all these other things to get to.

I don't want to go to them. Let's just stay here.

Okay, well, we have nine more reasons why you're the best person that anyone can if you'd like to hear them. I was a little intimidated to meet you, and then I walk into the kitchen, and you're making yourself a cup of tea.

That's because I'm a cunt because.

This is why you never get tea commercials.

I'm quite the same.

You love tea. You love tea.

I love tea.

And I know it's such a, I'd be embarrassed to offer a Brit some tea because I would think, "Oh, why don't you offer them, you know, would want to borrow my chimney sweep?" You know, it just feels like an over-the-top.

Oh my God.

You know, it just feels like an over-the-top, you know, like, "Oh, I don't want to be corny."

It's too on the nose is what you're saying.

It's too on the nose, and yet you, there you are. You love tea.

I love tea. I travel with my own tea bags.

I was just going to ask you.

Yeah.

Which I forgot to bring.

Yeah, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm at Yorkshire Gold.

Oh.

And there's, you know, get them. They're lovely. There's just Yorkshire tea, but Yorkshire Gold, I just prefer. It's not the poshest tea, but it's just really nice.

How do you take your tea?

Well, thanks for asking. So I put the, and these are tea bags, and you'll get people going, "That's not how you drink tea. Fuck off. This is how I have my tea."

There we go. There we go.

So tea bag, and boiling water onto the tea bag, because then it goes whoosh, and you get lovely flavor. It doesn't scold the tea, as someone says. That's nonsense.

I hate that person.

Yeah. Maybe if they're having posher tea, it might, but tea bags are made for boiling water.

Okay.

Boiling water on. I like a good squidge. Oh, you can see the color. So I like dark tea.

You like dark tea, but you put milk in it.

I put a little bit of milk in.

Is that how most British people like their tea is with some milk?

Yes.

That is?

Yes.

Okay.

It's quite chic and European to have tea with no milk. Quite French.

Yeah.

I'd love to be more chic and French about it, but I like chic.

No, but also, the people I've talked to, and including a Beatle or two, that's the way they think of it almost as like part tea, part milk. You know what I mean?

So I have less.

I'm sorry. I know a lot of folks.

I know a lot.

I was just to say a Beatle or two.

A Beatle or two.

I'm sorry.

Not even one.

I meant three.

Did you meet three?

Yeah.

Come on, who?

I was, well, Ringo. He's just always around wherever you go. Anytime I go to buy cleaning supplies for my pool, he's there. He's working there. No, Ringo's delight, and Paul, many, many times, I've been very fortunate that way. George, I was working at Saturday Night Live, and it was about 1990. I was a writer there, and he was out with the producer, Lauren Michaels, and they were out on a night on the town, and then he came back. We were all there at like 1:00 in the morning, and suddenly George walked in and started talking to us, and my soul left my body and has never come back, apparently.

Oh, I can imagine.

So yeah, but enough about me. What's the list of more famous people I've met? Paddington, I saw him.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, I did meet Paddington. I was at some event, and the person who plays Paddington, I believe, in the show.

Lauren?

Yes. She was all.

Was she wearing the hat and everything?

Yes, I think she was dressed up as Paddington, and I was introduced to Paddington, to Lauren, and the person who does the voice, and I was starstruck.

Wow, yeah.

I was like, "Oh my God," and then I, you know, called my wife.

Were you the voice from the movie? Ben Wishall?

Yeah.

I do.

Yeah, cute.

Yeah. This has gone full circle.

I don't remember. It's all a blur because when you're talking to Paddington.

You don't.

And two people are involved, it gets confusing.

Yeah.

But it was, again, an insane moment for me to meet Paddington, and then I think I creeped Paddington out.

Yeah.

Paddington said I need to make a phone call and left, and then security came. I want to let you go out and tell many more people about Wicker because I think it's extraordinary. It's lovely. It's funny. It's sweet, and you will have all the feelings watching Wicker, and it's just beautifully done.

I know what I was going to say.

Yes.

Weta Workshop, who made, it's a completely practical suit. It's no CGI. So I think that's important for people to know.

You know, yes, and I think you can kind of tell too. It is beautifully made.

So beautiful. It's a work of art. There is CGI when he holds his hand up, and you can see through the Wicker at one point, but that's it. It's absolutely as you see him.

Whatever you needed to do is okay, but to know, you can tell it's all practical.

Yes.

That this is beautiful artisanal work.

How does one get one of these Wicker suits? Is there any.

Okay. And how does, yeah, and how will it give me the rizz of an Alexander Skarsgård?

And how does one not get arrested when wearing this Wicker suit?

You and I are going to get.

These are good questions.

You and I are going to get these, and we're going to walk around a mall and try to talk to people.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe there's just enough here that I could make one.

Yeah.

Get them all together. At least you could do the top half, and then, you know, wear a suit.

I'm going to, and I'll be like Wicker face, like leather face, basically.

Olivia, I cannot thank you enough for stopping by. You are welcome here anytime.

Oh, thank you.

And if you just need people to tell you how extraordinary you are because you're not getting that from your family, you can come here to our offices anytime, and we will love you up.

You might regret saying that.

No.

I don't think so. I think you'll regret it. You'll be like, "Can I come by? Will Conan be there?" Well, maybe not. Maybe not this time. But thank you so much, and congratulations on Wicker. It's just, it's lovely.

Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. I've had a lovely time.

Okay, I'm in the dark here. I do not know what's coming, but I've just been informed by Blay that he has something he wants to show us. Blay, what you got?

Yeah, well, as you guys probably know, I am on Reddit a lot, so I'm keeping an eye on the pulse of what fans are.

You don't keep an eye on the pulse.

Oh, okay.

You keep your finger on the pulse.

Okay. Well, okay, well, I'm either keeping an eye on Reddit or I'm keeping my finger on the pulse.

You'd be a terrible doctor.

An eye on the prize.

If you looked at a patient and said, "The pulse looks okay."

On Reddit, people.

He died four hours ago. You can smell him at this point.

So whatever your metaphor, I look at Reddit a lot, and I see what people are saying in the Conan subreddit, and people will tag me, fans will tag me on things that they might want us to talk about on the podcast.

Incredible.

And a fan named Metaphysical Melodies tagged me on this video and was like, "You guys have to talk about this on the podcast. Does Conan know about this? Do you guys know about this?" And so we're going to show you a little video.

Okay. Can I just say really quickly, we were talking about segments via email, and Adam and Blay were saying, "Should we do that thing I slacked you about?" which left me out of the loop. So I know this has something to do with me, I'm sure.

So let's.

I'm nervous.

None of us know.

Let's put our eyes on the screen, and here we go.

Oh Christ.

Oh my God.

The news.

The news.

Matthew.

What's going on here?

Baby, I can explain.

Hey, man, I didn't know.

How could you do this to me?

What the God? Hey, the Conan O'Brien show's on.

Oh, I love Conan O'Brien.

Really? I hate Conan O'Brien.

Oh my God.

I love Conan O'Brien.

Dude, that was some great sex.

Yeah, it was.

That's fantastic. Wait a minute. I have so many questions.

Oh God.

When did you make this?

I can't believe it's taken this long for this to get here. I've always known this was out there.

Well, that's existed this whole time.

That's existed for.

Let's, I'm going to clean up something because I know there are people that still just listen to the podcast. We just saw a very, it's a funny sketch about you surprising your wife and another guy in bed and getting upset and pulling a gun, and then the guy suggests, "Let's watch Conan O'Brien." Now, this is years before we met. When was this made? This must have been made in the '90s.

No, this is 15 years ago, maybe.

I think it's 18 years now.

Is it?

Oh.

Okay, wow.

That's not.

I have no idea.

That long ago.

Wow. What do you mean by that?

It's not that long ago. I'm saying it's still pretty fresh. I thought it was like 25 years ago.

Okay, well, let's not get bogged down on the dates.

We did that like a few years before you started on our podcast.

No. What are you talking about? That was 10 good years before.

Wait a minute. So it's 2008 is what you're saying. It's 2008, so that's towards the end of my late-night run, and there's an artistic choice here, which is the guys like Conan O'Brien, the blonde woman doesn't like Conan O'Brien.

She hates you.

I should probably tell you what the origin of this thing is.

Yeah, yeah.

It was, you might be able to fill in the blanks more than me. I have a vague memory of this because my friend, Fred Belford, who himself was a very funny comic and writer, was contributing this for a contest, for a promo for your show or something.

I don't have any memory.

And so he put me in it. That's all I really know about it. So I was just an actor.

Where did this go, was this just online? Was there an online then? I forget.

I don't know. That's the thing I really wanted to tell you.

Was that on VHS?

No, it was like an early internet.

It was a thing.

Like YouTube Vimeo thing.

Do we know what it was made for?

Well, so I used to run the website, Late Night Underground, and so it was for the website that I ran. I don't remember what the context was. I think we had a call for, yeah, it was a make-your-own-commercial contest.

Oh, cool.

So yeah, it was in 2008.

How did that do? Because that's very funny.

I don't think we picked it.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I don't remember. I don't remember how it did, but.

Someone probably flagged, "Women love Conan." We can't run this.

No, they're like, "This is just too factual."

Yeah.

I'm surprised some of these things haven't come up sooner, and you know we've outed me for things.

Some of these things.

Well, there's some other things. I almost feel like I ought to get ahead of them, you know?

Okay.

But one of them.

Yeah, you're like a candidate for president who you can't wait until the fans find out and it leaks online, and then you're, you know, it's not going to work.

This is not one of those, but you know you've told the story about how you submitted for Letterman, and you were happy that you didn't get in, and I think even Colbert said he submitted for your show.

Yes, he did, yeah.

I submitted a writer packet for your show through Todd Levin asked me, and then I think you guys didn't end up taking on an extra writer or something like that, but I still have the writer's packet I submitted to be a writer on your show like, I don't know, 15 years ago or something like that.

I remember them handing me a packet from Matt Gorley, and they said, "Give this to Reed," and I just held the packet for a second, and I said, "I am suddenly enraged and irritated," and I dropped it like it was being handed a hot Skittle.

You need to come clean. I mean, we found out about your Shakespeare T-shirt thing way too late. I want to know if there's anything else. There's got to be other stuff.

Can I say something?

Hey, man, I swear that's it.

Yeah.

I swear, man. No, it's cool. It's cool.

There are Gorley victims buried all around the Pacific Northwest.

Yeah.

It's just whole Potter's Fields filled with his victims. But I remember when this show started, I think that, I think I had a Vimeo, like a real page where my commercials and stuff were on there that I had done, and that was on there, and I very quickly took that down.

Oh.

And I don't know how someone found it and put this up. I really don't.

If we search Matt Gorley on YouTube, does that pop up?

I don't know.

I mean, I think I've heard a lot about your incest guy on Community.

Oh, yeah.

The incest writer.

Oh.

Have you heard about that?

I don't think so.

It was like the incest episode of Community, and then he came on at the end.

You were in an episode of Community.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Yeah, actually, Amanda and I are in the same episode, but unrelated, playing different parts.

Yeah.

Were you, but you, were you together then?

Yeah. Oh, you were. Okay. No, we need to be on the hunt for more Matt Gorley.

Oh, there's nothing.

Hidden Matt Gorley gems because they're everywhere. You know they are.

Have we gone through your commercials?

No, but you know, interestingly enough.

We did?

We did once.

Oh, we did?

One of your car commercials.

What I'm saying is there's probably more out there. You know, you know that this guy, he's been active. He's been active for a long time.

Here's one I will challenge people to find.

Okay, good.

Ooh.

Good, good, good, good, good.

We've been doing this for a while.

There's an NBC show called Blind Spot for a while about a woman who was tattooed and lost her memory and everything.

Torture. Yeah.

I play a villain on that in a couple episodes, but there is a clip someone sent me, shout out to Umar, of an Italian-dubbed version of me being a villain speaking Italian.

Why do they dub you when you can do it?

See, how manly is your Italian voice?

It doesn't matter if it's gibberish.

Well, that's the thing. The voice coming out of me is so much more like villainous and man.

Yeah.

If that's still out there and you could find that, that would be worth, but let's, there's nothing else. That's it. That's the very last thing.

I've got to find the videos I made when it was a how-to sell musical instruments for some musical.

Oh, yeah, you've talked about that.

Yeah, exactly. I've talked about it, but.

Do you have them or does someone?

I believe I might have them, but that's, I mean, I have a Charles Foster Kane warehouse filled with, you know, masturbating bears and old, I mean, this is on a brick. This is on a giant, like one and a half inch, you know, some format that we wouldn't be able to find a machine to play it anymore, but yeah, just that stuff is fascinating.

I'm just realizing we haven't even touched, I've been on so many game shows.

What?

I can't even count.

Okay, you heard it here. We are on the hunt for anything where Matt Gorley shows up, makes an appearance, plays a character, or is even in the background, you know, pacing while a local news reporter is talking about a motorcycle accident.

On Fifth and Kowinga.

Did you win a lot?

I mostly did, yeah.

Yeah.

You would.

You go to his house and it's just all the furniture is made of turtle wax cans. I remember when the prize used to be turtle wax. That's a '60s or '70s thing, I think.

I know. And every wardrobe was furnished by Botany 500.

Botany 500.

Yeah.

Yeah, Botany 500.

Okay. All right. Well, it's time to wrap. There's nothing else we've covered at all.

All right, that's your task, everybody. Get to it. Bring us the Gorley goods.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonem Obsession, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sax, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick.