Transcript of For the Love of Butts

Hi, Sean. Welcome to "Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan."

Hello, Sean. How are you?

I'm— couldn't be better. How are you guys doing?

We're doing very well, Sean. Um, I'm going to cut right to the chase. You've been kind enough to zoom in to us. It says here that you are from Issaquah, Washington. Is that correct?

Correct. You said it perfectly. Yep.

Yeah. My wife is from Seattle, so I'm in— I spend a lot of time in the state of Washington. I love it there. Beautiful.

It's beautiful, yeah.

Now, let's— let's get to the meat of this subject right here, sir.

Okay.

Um, it says here that you are a Broadway producer. And I always think of the cliché, a guy with a cigar.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Someone, you know, prowling the streets, looking for the next big Broadway musical. Is that you to a T?

Yeah. Like Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick. Yeah, definitely. Just, uh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Running schemes on old ladies.

Yeah, yeah. You always say, "Put music to that," and you got something.

Yeah. Exactly.

Uh, oh my God. It says here, "Well, I see Tony Awards behind you." Unless those are fake. How many Tony Awards do you have?

In a way. So I— we, um, my husband and I, Paul Dane— he's going to kill me if I didn't say it. Paul Dane IV is my husband, and we started doing this a year and a half together. We won one Tony last year.

Wait, you've been doing this for.

I've been doing this for.

Hold on, hold on. Sir, you've been doing this for a year and a half?

Uh-huh.

With your husband, and you— you have a Tony already?

Yeah. So we're good. We're— we're going to move on to something else next. Horse racing, or I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should— you should look into a microscope one time and win a Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

That's how it works, right?

Um, but I mean, what did you win a Tony Award for? What did you win a Tony Award for?

I think you saw it. "Death of a Salesman."

I did see it.

And Nathan Lane, and— yeah.

It was fantastic. It was amazing.

It was incredible. And Laurie, um.

Laurie Metcalf?

Just her mind. Metcalf, thank you. Yeah. It was wild.

Yeah. You should learn the cast.

Whoever she is.

Um, thank you. No, I was— I was blown away by that show. It was spectacular. Uh, and, uh, I mean, Nathan Lane was amazing. I think Laurie Metcalf single-handedly, uh, she, like, transformed that role. I mean, she gave it a whole different urgency. It was amazing. It was great. Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah, it had been done so many times. People were like, "Do we need another one?" And there— clearly we did. It was pretty. So this is actually— I'm at a friend's office. He was, like, one of the most prolific, uh, directors in Broadway. So he said, "I can show you as if it's mine." But it's— so this is his, but it's mine's at home, and it's—

It's very annoying.

Mine's at home.

I don't want to see someone else's Tony.

It's fine. You can't see the back.

No, I don't want— I don't— no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

No, uh-uh. Uh-uh. No.

Oh, no, this one's mine. This one's mine. Sorry. Yeah, this one's mine.

Oh, yay.

Hi. Hi, I'm easily fooled.

Yes.

Um, wow, that's— that's spectacular. So congratulations to you. Uh.

Thank you.

This world fascinates me because I know absolutely nothing about it. My wife, very much into theater. Uh, I like to go and see shows, but I don't understand what it means to be a producer. Uh, what are you working on now?

Yeah, we got some stuff coming over. We've got Paddington coming over from London.

Oh, you're going to be doing a Paddington show? Great, great.

Yeah, it opens in, uh, April. It's one of the biggest hits they've had in London in, in year— like, decades, really. It's— it's sold out almost through half of next year.

Is it the one with the little animatronic kind of robotic Paddington?

Yeah.

Wow.

So it's a— it's— we have a little person in a— in a suit, and then the— the head is mechanical, and the person who's doing the voice is on the side of the stage. They control the mouth while they do the speech.

Excuse me. I met the person who plays Paddington in the Paddington outfit and the person who does the voice. And I'm trying to think if this is an insane thing to say. I don't know where I—

It was Nathan Lane.

No, yeah.

You were—

Nathan Lane.

"Good Morning America." David Hopping told me.

Where was I?

"Good Morning America."

Yes! That's right. Okay. I was on "Good Morning America," and I was told there are some very special people that want to meet you out in the hallway. And, uh, I was like, "Wow, this is incredible. I go out in the hallway, and there's Paddington, and this other person."

Yeah.

I got to meet them, uh, get my picture. It was very neat. I'm a— I'm a huge Paddington fan.

Wouldn't it be cool if you played Paddington, and instead of, like, you know, a smaller version, it's like a six-foot—

A six-foot four-inch—

No, he just plays the marmalade.

Yeah. Six-foot four-inch jar— a six— six-foot four-inch jar of marmalade. And I come out, and I go.

I'm way too sweet for most breakfast treats.

Okay.

People prefer jam, but I'm such a ham.

Um, you owe me a piece if you— uh, what other musicals are you working on?

Well, the one that I'm really excited— we were doing "The Heated Rivalry."

Oh.

Unauthorized musical parodies.

Oh, Sona. Sona.

Yes.

Is that the one that's playing in LA— in LA right now, or is that a different—

No, that's a— that's a different one.

Oh, okay, okay.

This is the—

Sona.

Sona.

You're a terrible interview.

I am. I— I shouldn't talk.

A lawyer should never say anything in court when they don't know the answer.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

And, uh, no, that's a terrible one I've heard.

It's— it's— don't. This one's off-Broadway, and we're also open in London today, actually, while we record this. So, um, we're all over the place.

Oh.

It's—

You really don't have— you don't really mind the store, do you, Marge?

No.

Oh, he's gone.

Oh.

That was dramatic.

Yeah, I like to add a little flair to the whole show. Um.

Just— you are a good producer. This is going to get you.

It fixed.

Wait, was that in "Intermission"? Yeah. I went— I went and stood in a long line for the bathroom, used it, and came back, and then Sean reappeared. Uh, we had a technical difficulty. Sean was gone momentarily, but he's back now. And you just dropped a massive bombshell. The biggest "Heated Rivalry" fan in the world sits next to me, Sonomah Session, and you—

Oh, I'm not the biggest.

Yeah.

You are.

I am pretty big.

Yeah, you came in, I think, before it was— I think you were looking at "Dailies" when they were shooting it.

Yeah.

And you kept coming in and talking about Butts.

Yeah.

Butts, Butts.

Yeah, I was in a bush while they were shooting it, just watching with binoculars.

You were in the what?

In a bush.

In the what?

Yeah.

Okay, take it easy, Sean.

Not Sean.

Okay, Sean.

Oh, no.

Sean.

Damn it, Sean.

You know what this is?

Get your head out of the gutter.

Let's let her out of the gutter.

Sean, that was fun. It's "Heated Rivalry."

Okay. Uh, wait a minute.

We sent your video of you talking about how much you loved it to everyone in the cast. Um, and yeah, you're very famous for your love of Butts.

Yeah.

Famous.

She sang the wall on Broadway.

For her love of Butts.

And singing "Heated Rivalry."

Ah.

Yeah.

My legacy.

Yeah.

Sonomah Session.

Leonard Tombstone, known for her love of Butts. The only way to get Sonah to watch, like, "Het a Gabbler" or some, you know, some really— some really important work of theater is to have a lot of Butts in it.

Put a Budd in it.

And then she's there.

Put a Budd in it.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Like "The Death of a Salesman." There were Butts everywhere.

Ah, okay.

Remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that version.

Um, okay, so a lot of questions here. It says that you used to be a lawyer. Um.

I— yes. I still technically am— can practice, but I don't like conflict, I realized.

Oh. And yet you're doing a show called "Heated Rivalry."

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah. I like that. It does a good ending to that.

Which is in itself—

In a "Heated Rivalry" with another production of "Heated Rivalry."

Yeah, we don't talk about that other one.

Okay.

Yeah, I— again, I think you're taking us— you two are terrible at this.

But I just wonder if we can quantify which one has more Butts.

Yeah.

Oh, ours.

Good.

For sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

They have a giant Butt.

Yeah.

That comes out of the floor and sings, "I'm just a Butt."

We added extra Butts.

I had a bigger part, but it was cut. Um.

"I'm just a Butt." Yeah.

"I'm just a Butt."

Um.

So.

So yeah, I did— I was a lawyer. I didn't like it. And then, um, I just got to my mid-40s, and I was like, you know, I want to have a change of career. I lost both my parents during that time.

Oh, okay. Sorry about that.

And, um, yeah, I had about 11 years sober. It's kind of this moment of, like, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? And so we decided to get into the arts.

Oh.

And it's been the best decision we've made.

Um.

Cool. Now, you, uh, you say that you encourage people to invest in shows. Is— is that— is that part of your job, is to get people to invest? Is it something that you, um, I mean, I've never invested.

That's why you're here.

Well, I've never invested—

That's why I'm here, actually.

Yeah. I've never invested in a— in a show, and I've always been curious about that part of it. How does it work? How would you get me to invest in, say, the "Heated Rivalry" musical?

Unauthorized musical parody, before we get HBO coming at us.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes. Um, so it's— most producers raise money. My husband and I, we actually put all our own money in, which just makes it a little bit more, um, I don't have the personality to go raise money from other people. You know, I'd be— I'd be so worried about their money, um, more than I would my own, if that makes sense. I just don't have that personality to be like, "Hey, guys, sorry the show." Because with Broadway shows, if they go down, you lose everything. It's not like, you know, like in the stock market, Amazon's not going to go to zero, right? So there'll still be some sort of, um, there'll be something left.

In Broadway, you can lose your entire investment. It's pretty— pretty common too, too. So the old saying is, "You can make a killing, but you can't make a living."

Oh.

Wow.

So why are you doing it this way?

For the—

Why don't you get other people to invest their money in it and do the best you can?

I just couldn't.

Well.

I couldn't. I couldn't just turn to people and just say, "Sorry, I lost all your money."

Mm.

Well, you don't have to call them and tell them that. You just don't return their calls.

Ghost them?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

No one— no one calls and says, "I'm sorry I lost you all your money." You just— by first of all, they go to.

Change your number.

They go to your— they try to call you. They don't get you. They go to your office. It's not your office anymore.

Oh.

It's a laundromat. They do the classic thing, and they say, "I swear there was a bank of telephones here, and there was a guy over there," and the policeman goes, "Cuckoo, cuckoo," and you're off the hook. You're in the— you're in Bermuda, you know?

And what's— what we've liked so much about, like, "Heated," these smaller shows, is that we get to have a little more say. It's not just raising money. We actually get to be a little bit more in the creative development part of it and, like, make decisions about where it's going to go and if it's going to tour and all that stuff.

You get to choose the Butts.

Which we've really enjoyed doing.

More Butts. More Butts.

Yeah.

All right.

We get to do the audition, which is just great.

Yeah.

I mean, we just have auditions for fun.

Do you have— do you have—

Um, do you have—

Do you have Butt calipers to—

Yeah.

I have a pair.

We were a beginner. I can just eyeball it now.

Yeah.

You know, I can double-craft.

But at the beginning— at the beginning, you have to use Butt calipers.

Yeah.

And then later on, your eyesight adjusts.

Yeah.

You know?

100%. Yeah.

Yeah. I carry them on the subway in New York.

You do?

Yeah, it doesn't go over well. People are like, "Excuse me," and I went, "Uh, do you want an accurate measurement or not?" I've secretly harbored a— a dream all my life to have a part in a— in a Broadway musical. Just a— you know, I don't have to be the star, but just a part in a Broadway musical. Is there anything for me in "Heated Rivalry"?

Yes, actually. We actually bring up a— an audience member to play Scott Hunter.

Oh.

Uh, yes. And— and so you could do the Conan, you're both—

What does that mean?

Let me know.

I don't know who Scott—

Scott Hunter.

The "Vampire Slayer" Conan?

He plays for the New York team.

And?

He had a standalone episode in the series.

But what's his— what's his vibe?

Yeah.

What's his—

He's another— he's like kind of a— a veteran hockey player.

Oh.

And he's— he has a really big moment in episode five.

This is good. I am— I am older than most hockey players currently in the NFL, so I could play a veteran.

Yeah.

The NFL?

But he's gay.

I'm sorry, the NHL, the NHL.

Yeah, he is— he's gay.

Yes?

Can you— have you ever played hockey?

No.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

Perfect.

Have you ever acted in a Broadway musical?

Never have. I've never— I've never played hockey. Um, and I'm not gay, and I've never had a— any kind of experience playing, you know, in a— in a Broadway musical. But I think for all those three reasons, I'm the perfect person to play this guy. Is his name— you said it's Chip Wallingford? Scott.

I'm not good with names.

Chip Wallingford, yep. Chip— no, Scott Hunter. And then we had the song they sing is "He's the hottest, oldest guy I've ever seen."

Mm-hmm.

So that would, um, work for you.

Mm-hmm.

At least the first part.

I do. When people tell me I'm hot, which doesn't happen often, they always have a qualifier. So.

Yeah, this.

People always say, "Now, hear me out. Let me tell you why I find you attractive." And then there's a 40-minute explanation, and it sounds like those things they have to say in a prescription ad.

Oh.

They've read the rattle off, "May cause diarrhea."

May cause diarrhea, may cause— yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, well, this is exciting. You've got an exciting life. This is— this guy is impressive. You and your husband, you dabbled in this, for lack of a better term, and you immediately got a tone.

Yeah.

Do you live in Washington or New York?

We live out in Washington.

Does that make it difficult?

Uh, but we're here so much, I think we're getting an apartment out here soon. It's— it's a lot of traveling.

Yeah. I noticed when I was in New York, this is— I travel with my, um, my other assistant. I mean, Sonah does some things now, but she's mostly out hocking her own book and being a superstar.

Oh, gosh.

You know, occasionally, uh, you call me and say.

I'm so good with— like.

Yeah. I got a call six weeks ago that your— your dog is missing.

I'm not going to say I'm having so much resentment that I'm thriving. Okay, that's fine.

David Hopping, uh, traveled with me to New York. I just— there. And, um, between David and just random people I would meet on the street, they would rattle off all the Broadway shows they're seeing. Because I— I chat up everyone. They're all TV shows, movies. I'll say, like, "What— what shows are you seeing?" They say, "Well, we just came from, you know, 'Stranger Things.' We're going right now to see, um," and then, again, "TV show."

Oh, "Lost Boys."

Oh, "Lost Boys," yes.

"Lost Boys" is huge.

Yeah.

Um.

Yeah, we're producers on that. Yeah.

Oh, you're pro— oh, wow. Plug yourself much. Okay.

Yeah, I got— I got a whole bunch of them.

No, but people.

But yeah, that's it right now.

People said to me, "We're going to go," and then we're going to wash it down with some serious theater we're going to see as a new production of the, uh, "The House, the Real Housewives of Atlanta" is a— is a— is a very serious play now. What's happened? You know, yes, there's— for every "Death of the Salesman" now, there's 35 TV shows and movies, but it's what people want to see.

You— funny you say that. We actually have a show coming this spring with "The Housewives."

Oh, my God.

So.

No, you don't.

Wait, I was totally kidding.

We do.

Are they the real housewives?

We do.

Or are you having actors playing?

They are.

Wow. Well, wait a minute. You're getting people who aren't even stage performers to— to be on stage?

Those are a lot of them are former actor- actresses. Yeah. They're all— a lot of them were, like, old soap actresses and stuff. Like, Lisa— I mean, I can't say, but, uh, we haven't announced it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, we have—

Lisa Rena?

Oh.

I didn't say that.

No one said Lisa Rena here.

Oh, okay.

He said Lisa Re, and then stopped himself and said, "I can't say anything."

And I've just exhausted my full knowledge of "The Housewives."

Okay.

So.

So it's not— it's not just the New York housewives. It's, like, all the housewives?

Yeah, it'll— actually, it'll be announced in about a week or so. Yeah, it'll be—

I think you just announced that.

They're from all— I did, I know.

It's like summer camp, like, come all around.

It's going to be from all around.

All the different cities.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, a convention of different cities and housewives.

Hey, wait a minute. Let me pitch you something, Sean.

Okay.

What about a "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend" musical starring Conan O'Brien, Son of Obsession, Matt Gorley, and the team? And we come out, I can belt a tune, you know I can, and I've got moves.

Yes.

Uh, like Jagger. This is, um, not that Jagger, different— his name's Wilford Jagger.

You have jagged moves.

Yeah. Um, so my point is.

Yeah, how would you envision that?

Yeah, what would— what would the, uh, "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend" musical look like? Put your producer hat on and let's hear it.

I've thought about this. So we're— it's going to start.

Shoot.

Once you guys get ready for the podcast. I'm prepared.

What'd you say it starts how?

Like, you guys are, like, getting ready to start the podcast, right?

Yeah.

You guys are doing all your sticky stuff, you know, and, like, talking. Then it's going to pop back in time to how each one of you guys came into Conan's orbit.

Whoa.

So we'll get, like, the origin story of each one of you.

Mm-hmm.

And then, um, and each one— the music will be associated with kind of how you see yourselves. So, like, Sonah's would be, like, probably early 2000s pop, like, you know, fun, the Cher. Um, Matt's would be, I don't know, bluegrass or something. I don't know.

This is— this—

Yeah, this misconception of me.

Uh, Sean, he was blowing on a jug in a band.

Yeah.

And he wasn't in the band.

Oh, yeah.

He brought his own jug. Um, but yeah, I meet them.

And then?

And then I do that thing where I meet Adam Sax, and he says, "I think you could do a podcast." And I go, "What's your name?" And he goes, "Sax is the name, and podcasting's the game." And I say, "Well, I'm Conan." And then we shook hands on a street corner in New Jersey.

Yeah.

And then, uh, Adam said, "We should probably go draw up the news— the papers, the contracts." And I said, "You don't need a contract." We just shook hands. And then I looked out at an audience that wasn't there and said, "That's a Jersey contract."

Ooh.

And the crowd went crazy. It was in my head. And that's an actual line from the Four Seasons.

Oh, Jersey Boys?

From Jersey Boys that enraged me.

Yeah.

Because the entire crowd was from Jersey, all leapt to their feet cheering, and I thought, "Fuck you. Everyone in Jersey sues each other, and everyone needs a contract." You just— you're all cheering an idea that was just presented to you that you'd like to believe.

Ugh.

Wait, so every— every story has to have the second act fall?

Yep.

What is that going to be? What happens? What's our crisis?

I know what it is.

What?

I realize that you're a permanent hire.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes.

And there's, like, no— what are we going to do now?

Or it could just be the fact that we realize we have to do this thing.

Yeah.

And how tragic that is.

Oh, I want to hear what Sean wants.

Before Sean speaks, and he's an expert on this, I have to keep talking.

Okay.

Because it's what I do when I've had a lot of coffee and I just got off a flight.

Great.

I think— tell me if I'm wrong, Sean— the second half is this thing blew up, which it did. It gets really big. Suddenly we're doing live shows. Suddenly Sonah's writing books. Suddenly Gorley is buying more expensive tweed suits. Uh, and— and— and more—

That's tough.

And more vintage ventriloquist dummies. And— and, you know, it's getting crazy, and I'm out there. I'm— my marriage is in trouble because I'm just, you know, just— I'm out there with podcast fans all the time. I'm straying.

Groupies.

Groupies.

Yeah.

I'm with podcast groupies. And they're like, "Do that ad read again." And I'm like, "Okay, one more time."

Oh, my God.

Um.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. So.

Oh, my God.

Miller Lite.

Yeah.

Do the Miller Lite again. Hey.

Bidet. The bidet one.

Do the bidet. Do the bidet ad again.

Yeah.

But— but take your pants off, you know?

Yeah.

And so that's— the second act is— the first act ends with this thing, uh, you know, launching. The second act is it takes off, and then it gets crazy, and there's all kinds of infighting and, you know, quarreling.

Decadent.

And then the third act is we mourn what happened to Adam Sax.

What happened to him?

Well, a crazed fan.

What happened to him?

Oh.

Uh, unbezzling.

Oh.

He fled the country.

Oh, no, Adam.

But yeah. But he thought he had fled the country, but instead he just went to a different part of the United States. He's so— he's so provincial.

He went to— he went to Epcot.

Yeah.

He thought he was—

He's in a part of New Jersey.

He fled to— he fled to Epcot and said, "Good luck getting me now. I'm in China."

There was no extradition here.

And they arrested him in Anaheim, um, after he had taunted the police.

Wait a minute.

Are you writing this down, Sean?

I— I have it all down. But we couldn't get the rights to Epcot from Disney, so it has to be a fake name.

Trust me. I'm in "Toy Story 5."

Yeah.

I— Disney does what I say now.

Yeah, and I used to work there. I got a lot of strings I can pull.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I can't sing, dance, or act.

You're—

I'm guessing—

You're perfect for modern Broadway.

Wow.

Shots fired.

Isn't that what— isn't that what kids say?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, please.

Shots fired.

We're going to see "The Housewives of Atlanta" musical, and we'll— I'm going to judge pretty harshly. If it comes out—

It's going to be a play.

Yeah.

If it comes out.

It's just going to turn into the vagina monologues. That's what's going to happen.

I hate— I hate— what is it? I hate monologues. What is it? I hate, uh, ventriloquists. That's the old joke about the monologues, vagina monologues.

What was it?

I hate ventriloquism.

God.

Because you can— yeah, let's not go there.

Yeah.

Uh, Sean, you're—

I'll go there.

Sean, you're canceled. Um.

Butts, vaginas.

Thank you.

But nice.

This podcast had everything.

Hey, we learned a lot here. Sean, what do you think the second act is?

Well, I thought— I mean, I was going to end the whole show having it be you saying, "Welcome to 'Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend'" as your first episode.

Boo.

I didn't know we were— that would— that would be the first act then. Second act, Sonah goes off like, uh, you know, like the Supremes, kind of becomes her own.

Yes.

And there's all that tension in the group. Kind of like "Dream Girls," you know.

Sean, if you think the—

It's a big for us.

If you thought the first, uh, if the entire play was all about us in pre-production, you should not put your own money into these things. I'm telling you, I've got it right.

I'm sorry.

First act, he makes—

He has a Tony.

We— we come together. Second act, meteoric rise, terrible fall. What's that?

I said, "He has— he has a Tony." That's all I just said.

Okay.

In a year.

In a year.

Okay.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, we don't even know if it's real.

You know a guy named Tony, don't you?

I know a guy named Tony.

Yeah.

And by the way, all we know is that he is in an office with a bunch of other people's Tonys right now.

Oh, that's true. That's true.

That's his claim to fame.

Yeah, he lives in Washington, precisely.

Yeah.

I bought an Oscar in Times Square.

The security is trying to break into the office right now and kick me out. Yeah.

Uh, that's it. And then I just don't know what the third act is yet, but we'll figure that out.

It— it can't end on the deaths.

No, no, it's not as—

Or the— the Adam.

But—

No, no, Adam's going to be— Adam's not going to die. But I do think that maybe Sonah loses her way and runs off, and, uh, Gorley and I have to find Sonah in the third act and, like, bring her back. And—

Didn't you find— like, will you find her? Didn't you find her washed ashore? Is that— is that the— the lore of Sonah?

Sean, what the fuck?

In—

I—

Well, Sean, if you're— if you're referring to my now infamous "Rolling Stone" quote that I found Sonah because she was— her— she was being a— you— I think you were in— it was in a goat attack.

My father was, uh, in a goat attack.

A goat attack.

And then he—

And you were a baby, and he—

He made a basket.

He wrapped you into a basket that he made quickly.

Yeah.

And— and, uh, and sailed you off the island of, uh, of Armenia.

Landlocked country. Okay. Yeah, that's fine.

That's your fault.

Yep.

And then, uh, floated all the way to California, where I found her and taught her English by showing her game shows. Okay. This is maybe our stupidest fan interaction, but one of my favorites.

One of my favorites too.

We have, um, and what's funny is we have all the housewives coming to these serious shows, but then, uh, that off-Broadway heated rivalry, it's written by a guy named Dilamar Correll from— from Harvard.

Oh, yeah, that's—

Starring—

Wow, that's—

I know.

He's in elite category. They let anyone in there now.

Uh, we got, uh, Troy Iwata, who's from "The Daily Show." He's one of the correspondents from there.

Right.

And J.R. Sean Johnson, a big Broadway star.

Right.

So, like, we've got, like, these— these big people in the small off-Broadway shows because we've got the housewives leading the Broadway shows.

I see what you're doing. You're now—

That's kind of what we've been having to do.

You're now shoring up the credibility of this next scam. Uh, I love it. I think it's great.

Who's playing us? Or are we— we're— we're—

No, he's talking about real housewives.

I know.

I'm just—

And we play—

In our musical, I think—

First of all, we play us.

We do.

Yes.

Okay.

And then we do podcasts during the day when we're cooling our heels and reading our Bafo reviews.

What if the third act is actually recording an episode that then goes out?

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? So each person, each audience gets a different third act.

I would still—

It's like still rooting for you to have a bad idea and you had a great idea.

Yeah.

Can I do the— can— can we sing it in "The Rain" me?

What do you mean?

Like, have someone who actually has talent talk for me?

Like we do here on the podcast?

Let's bring her out.

You're talking a— a Texan?

Selma Thacker. Let's get Selma Thacker out here.

A vulnerable Texan switch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm just mouthing it, and she's actually, you know.

I think—

Talented.

First of all, that's a great idea. And the more I talk about this, the more I think this could be.

Yeah.

Our podcast, given the way that— that Broadway has changed, it could be a Broadway musical.

It's innovative because it's— it's Broadway and podcasting, and they're— they're meeting, and they're both happening.

Right.

Yeah.

And, um.

Well said.

Again, I— I have to just—

Well said.

I'm a song-and-dance man. You know I am.

Yeah.

I can— I can croon, I can belt, I've got the moves.

I have theater experience. I— I've done many Shakespeare shows. This is going to—

I know.

I can lip-sing.

I can lip-sing.

I can lip-sing.

Won't you just mostly showing people to their seats?

Yeah. Yeah. I have— we're going to have ushers.

I know.

They have ushers on Broadway.

Let me do it. Let me shine, boss.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Hey, you know what? You're in the show, and you're great in the show because you are a very funny performer, but you also show people to their seats.

Yes.

That's another hook.

I'm— I'm the producer of the podcast, and I have to bring people in.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

It's going to work. This is great.

You're cutting costs.

Yeah.

I like this. This is good.

And then Adam comes out at the top of every show, and you do, and you just talk about how there's going to be dynamic ad insertion throughout—

Throughout the show.

The audience wants to know.

Yeah, and— and— and please, during the dynamic ad insertion, no one make any noise.

Yeah.

Okay?

Is there going to be an Eduardo and a Blake?

They are in.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, they're in.

Okay.

No, no.

A Blake is going to be played by someone in that, um, that giant marshmallow costume from "Ghostbusters."

The staple after marshmallow movie?

Yeah, he's going— yeah, he's going to be in that costume and just running around in the background, and every night he dies in a different way.

He's like Kenny from "South Park."

Yeah, it's like Kenny on "South Park."

Yeah.

Okay. This is— I'm not kidding.

You have to do.

Sean, we're going to have follow-up calls.

It's—

Anyone listening right now, don't get any ideas because we have to register this idea today.

Yeah, and Sean, are— are you in?

I'm going to raise money for this for the first time.

Okay.

I'm not going to put my own in.

You heard that?

But, um.

That's a Jersey contract.

That's a Jersey contract.

That's a—

Uh.

That's a rural Washington contract. Um, all right.

Eight shows a week, though. Can you do eight shows a week?

I can do 50 shows a week.

Yeah.

You're talking to the original.

Yeah.

I mean, I am a machine. Sonah, tell him I'm a machine.

He is a machine.

Um, okay.

Yeah, but I'm not— I'm not.

Okay.

Thelma Thacker can do it.

No, no, no. We'll— we'll get Thacker back in.

Okay.

All right. Sean, this was really fun, and I'm 70% serious about this musical. I know you— you're not there yet, but you'll come around.

I'm excited. Yes, stay in touch. And if you guys are in New York, I'd love to bring you to, uh, the heated rivalry parody and have you up on stage to play Scott Hunter.

Wow.

When a producer says stay in touch, it means fuck you.

All right, take care. Good luck with "Heated Rivalry" and the upcoming "Real Housewives." Uh, if it ever happens, and I know it's not real and hasn't been announced yet, goo goo.

And Lisa's not in it. Yes. Thank you.

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