Transcript of Deon Cole Returns

Hi, my name is Deon Cole, and I feel amazing about being colonel Brian's friend.

Well, I'm glad you say that. Because we've known each other, I think it's been 50 years since I first met you.

I think I was three. I was three when we met, and they were like, What are you doing with that white stranger? Who's that white lady? Deon?

Stay close, Deon. I don't want you wandering away.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a friend. I'm sorry. Every time I say, Hey there, and, Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a friend, Matt, you do a little look to Sona. You share this little look, and you've been doing it for five years, and it's making me angry.

Do you want to know what it is? I think we're looking at each other to see, are we going to laugh?

But what is it? What is it that's so funny about me saying, Hey there.

Well, because your voice drops and you get very pseudo-broadcaster. You go, Hey there. I don't think it's that bad. No, I'm It's exaggerating for a fact, but you do change your voice a little bit.

After the shenanigan.

That's the thing. That's the part. It's after all these... You do a lot of things that are just bananas. You know what?

I do a lot of weird stuff before we start rolling. Then I think that's it. It's the transition. Because I was just going on some crazy series of tics, microaggressions, throwing props around, and then all of a sudden it stops and I go, Hey there. Welcome to... That's why you look at each other.

That's exactly right. There's also this feeling of we're two kids in school trying not to laugh during class. You know what I mean?

Or in church. We got the church giggles.

When you were in church growing up, you went to church regularly? No. How do you know? Yeah, it's like when you're in church. Oh, you went to church? I never did.

I've heard of the church giggles. They wouldn't let her in. It'd be like, not you. No, I went for Easter. Then I'm Marmine. I went to a wedding every weekend or a funeral.

Right. Quickly, because I stopped, I didn't get to say, Oh, and Sona's here, and Matt's here, blah, blah, blah. That's probably what I'm going to do from now on. But I'm interested in this because I'm thinking now about growing up and going to St. Lawrence Church on Route 9 in Brooklyn with my family every Sunday. When you're a kid, all I was trying to do was think of things that would make my brothers and sisters laugh.

Oh, God.

What I realized was foolproof was to full-on commit to singing the songs. What's great is you can't get in trouble for that. You know what I mean? It wasn't me doing faces or anything like that. It was just me full on committing to whatever the song we were singing in, Hosana, Here in the highest. If anyone got, give me a look, it's like, Hey, what's wrong with you? I'm filled with the spirit of Christ. You can't get mad at me. It was foolproof. I loved it.

When you guys came to church, was even the priest like, Oh, fuck, the whole Brian.

Oh, my God. I'll tell you exactly what would happen. I will tell you. You know what I'll do? I'll tell you exactly what happened. Okay? Picture this. Mass is at 10:30 in the morning, St. Lawrence Church, Route 9, Brooklyn Mass. It starts at 10:30. The O'Brien's, and remember, there's six of us, plus my parents, plus my grandmother at one point. So nine of us would come crashing in. Of course, we're late. I think I've mentioned this before. I never saw the beginning of a movie because my father was people who knew my dad used to call it O'Brien time, Dr. O'brien time. We were late for everything.

It was not the kids? It was your dad?

No, it was not the kids. Anyway, we'd all get piled into this one comfy station wagon, and we'd go up Route Nine, and we would come in late. Now, if you come in late at a Catholic Mass, and I'm thinking this goes for everything. I think if you came in late at temple, whatever, Whatever religion we're talking about, my guess is that you stay in the back, right? Yeah. No. My father, he wanted to be up front. My father would be late and he would just start going and be like, Let's just sit back here. There's a few weight back here. He'd make a face, a big smile, and he'd be like, Follow me. We had to follow him and he'd be going. He kept going and people were looking. It's like, Oh, my God, here's the fucking O'Brien hillbillies. My grandmother's with us going, Oh, Moses. We're making our way down. It's this crazy procession. Then he would take third row from the front and push people over. We'd all be like, Dad, he's like, It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Then, of course, I would get- Then the red-headed one starts singing him knock.

Yeah. Then the one that looks like a little Lucile Ball with broken teeth would insist. I would insist on like, Okay, fucker, you had me sit two rows back when we're 20 minutes late. We're almost at the Eucharist, which is supposed to be two-thirds of the way through. So I'd be like, Hosana in the highest. Hosana in the highest. Oh, my God, they hated us.

Oh, my God. I would be like, if I worked at that church, I'd be like, Just tell the O'Brien's were closed.

You know what they should have done?

They should have moved you like a disgraced priest to another parish.

You know what they should have done? They should have just put an ax handle through the door when the church started. My father would have been shaking. It would have been like the graduate where Dustin Hoffman puts a thing through so that the parents can't get at him and they're all smashing the door. My dad would be like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. He would crash through and then his head would stick in. Front row, please. First pew. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Madness. This explains so much. I know. But I love him. Your family? No. Jesus? No. My friends in show business. But I love them. Your parents, right? Everyone in show business. Who can help me? My guest today is a hilarious comedian. I'm a huge fan of this gentleman. I've known him a long time. He was a writer for my show way back in the day and a performer as well. Sona, you've known him.

I love Deon so much.

Yeah, writer, actor. You know him from such shows as Black-ish, Angie Tribeca and Grown-ish. He's done so well. So funny. Clearly, I was holding him back. I'm so glad he ditched us. His latest comedy special, Deon Cole, Okay Mister, is now available to stream on Netflix, and it's really funny. I'm just delighted he's here. Deon Cole, welcome. I am so happy you're here. You always To always make me really happy. From the first day I saw you do stand-up, years and years and years ago, and then you became a writer on our show to always, always make me really happy. You've just got that thing. And then I watch your special, and it's hilarious.

Thank you, man.

By the way, just so I get this out, this special is called Deon Cole, Okay Mister. It's on Netflix right now. You are so fucking funny. Thank you, man. It's just a joy. I also want to hook me up with those leather pants you're wearing. You know I have one pair of leather pants and you knew who gave it to me? Probably around the time. It would have been before you and I met each other. Andy Richter. Really? Gifted me a pair of really nice leather pants once on my birthday, and I put them on once, and my wife said, You can never. Wait, why did Andy give you leather pants? I don't know. I think he just thought, I don't know. We'll see what happens. Because he wasn't wearing them anymore.

Yeah.

Andy had quit his job at the club, and he wasn't wearing them anymore. Of course, you look amazing. Why can't I wear leather pants?

You know why a lot of Black comics wear leather pants? Why? When they do comedy specials, it's like a homage to Eddie Murphy.

Yeah, that's true.

Every time you see a comic in leather, it's to Eddie Murphy. Yeah, that's why we wear them.

The show that you did with me, the tour way back in 2010, there was a part of the tour where we thought it'd be really funny if I wore an exact replica of Eddie Murphy's suit. I don't know which one it was. It was raw. It was raw. I remember that. It was this leather body suit. I would come out- B-suit. B-suit. I would come out. We made an exact replica of it, and I would come out wearing this thing. I remember one of the things about the tour is I burned about 35,000 calories a night on the tour, and I was insane, and I never slept. At the end, you can see it. It was skin tight when we got it. At the end, it's hanging off my ass. I look like a snake that's halfway through shedding its skin. Oh, God. But we thought it'd be really funny if I dressed like that and came out.

You look like a mystique from X-Men. Mid-transition. Mid-transition.

That's what we look like. It was a mistake. Let's just put it that way. It was a mistake. How have you been?

How's life? I've been amazing, man. I can't complain. Just doing what I do and staying out of everybody's way, man.

Just staying happy, man. You know what I like? I'm just going to say there's a part in the special because your special is hilariously funny. You start a joke and then you stop and you go like, No, no, no, no. That could get me in trouble. I'm not going to do that. You say, I don't want him to cancel my old spice contract. I was like, Oh, okay. I love your thought process. I like that you're taking care of business. You got to take care of business.

You cannot fuck with Old Spice. I did not want to say the joke, man, because I was like, No, I'm going to get canceled for this one. I was like, I'm not going to tell them. But I had it written down.

I bet there's an Old Spice guy in a suit that follows you everywhere, and he's just waiting. All he has to do is he has to just push one pre-program button on his phone, and All I do is look that way.

He just does this all the time. He does this, he does this. He's here right now. He's in the lobby right now. Is it Thierry Cruz? Is he following you? It's Thierry Cruz. I did not want to say it, but it's Thierry Cruz. Thierry Cruz follows me everywhere. Following you around.

That's hilarious. It's so funny because I've also seen you. You have evolved as a comic, not that needed to because you were always super funny. But I was so impressed with the way you walk out in front of an audience. There's nothing needy about you. You come out and you look at the crowd and you say, Okay, let's just get started. Then you proceed to be hilariously funny, and I'm watching you, and you barely move. I'm contrasting you with someone else I know, say, Me, who's everywhere trying to connect to everyone and make sure everybody's happy. You are this matador that's just standing there. I think you have very funny material and great observations, but your face, you do so much with your face that is so funny because you can look very fierce. You can be very, I don't want to say, alpha serious, deadly serious, and then you can switch to complete goofball for five seconds if it's necessary. But it's really fun to watch.

Absolutely, man. I never really even noticed I just standing to other people were saying that. They were like, You don't move. And I went, because I used to move back and forth, and then I just found this groove where I was like, If I just stand here and just try to control the room from this one point, maybe it'll feel different, maybe it'll connect different with people. I learned that silence is just as good as laughter. I looked for that. I can't say, man... I just had a conversation about you maybe about a month ago, but I was just- With the police.

Yeah. Yes, officer. He's a terrible man.

This is why I think this way. Do you know, Connie? Yeah. This Which is why I sold these things. 6'4, ladies. Yes. He told me the world is mine, and I decided to take everything that I thought. No, but a month ago, I was having... No. Even just recently, we were talking, somebody was talking about Adam Sandler's new special, right? They were just talking about people were talking about how they hated it. Then to me, I was like, It's classic Adam Sandler. You love Adam, you're going to love his stuff or whatever. I said, You know what? I said, With the stuff that was breaking in there and falling apart, I instantly was like, Man, I wonder if it was out of a Homish to Konan. I just honestly did. I said, I think he's doing that because he's paying how much to Konan. Because that's Konan 101 and his special. I saw it.

I honestly don't know what Konan 101 is.

Konan 101.

Konan is a mystery to me.

Konan 101, to me, is when writing, you write a bit and then you destroy the bit. And destroying the bit is just as funny as writing a bit. And that's what he did. You know what I mean? He was like, breaking down. And I said, Man, this is great if this is a Homish to Cona. It has to be. Did he ever say that?

No, I want my money now because that guy's got a lot of money and he lives like two streets over from me. I know where he lives.

He's a great guy. He's an amazing guy. He's an amazing guy. But I just was like, Man, that's so dope. And then we just started going down this rabbit hole of your type of comedy.

You know what are the things that always made me... Well, that's nice of you to say. One of the things, the first thing I saw you do When I didn't know who you were and you came on my show, and this is a long time ago, but you came on my show when you were an unknown and you started telling jokes, and then you took out a little piece of paper and you had a pen, and it's become such a staple of your thing. It's so funny because on your new special, you don't do it at all, and you don't need to do it, but people love it. But I always loved that you stepped outside yourself because you can kill doing it the conventional way. Then you had this thing where you take out a little piece of paper and you tell a joke, and you look at the crowd, and then you write something. Sometimes if a joke didn't work, you could see you take out the little piece of paper. Maybe it's very subtle It looks like you're scratching it out, but maybe you're not.

No, I always thought not being funny is funny because it's hilarious to see people bomb. Instead of I be in the back of the room cracking up. I don't want you thinking I'm just saying this because we're here, but I mean, working with you solidified the way that I thought in the get-go, which was it ain't how you laugh, it's you laughing. I think a lot of people get caught up in how you laugh when it's like, No, if you laughed, I won. That's the approach that I take with everything now. You just sent me to another realm with it where I was thinking this, but I wasn't sure about it. But then when we rocked for years, it was like, Oh, yeah, this is exactly how I think, and this is how I feel. Then went on to me doing other projects that were similar to that. Right after I left the show, I did Angie Tribeca with Steve Carel. Steve Carel, from the show, was like, Yeah, you can do this. You can pull this off or whatever. On your show, you learned so much that I still take with me to this day and got jobs from it, from just thinking with that mindset.

Well, what's really funny is I think about you now because, as I said, the stand-up special is hilarious, and you have shown how funny you are in so many different ways, and now you're doing dramatic roles. I love that. I love that you're saying, No, I'm going to try that. I'm going to do that. I'm in the color purple, and you play a very badass fucker in the color Purple.

I'm going to tell you a story about that. They called me and it was like, Well, long story short, they was like, Yeah, they to be a part of this movie, The Color Purple. I was like, Oh, that's great. They was like, Steve Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, Quincy Jones, they're producing it. I'm like, This is fantastic. I'm thinking to myself, who would they want me to play? Because Harpo. Harpo is the funny guy in the movie. I'm like, I got to be Harpo, right? Then I was like, No, we want you to be the father. I was like, That's the father. I was like, Mister, the guy she married? They was like, No, the father. I was like, The father? Then the original movie, the father is a pedophile. He touches the girl. So I was like, The pedophile you want me to be? And they was like, Yeah, we think you can- The minute we saw you. The minute- The minute we saw you. We think you can... We believe I'm leaving you to pull this off.

Wait, are you not actually a pedophile?

Everyone thinks I am. You're a great actor. That's the problem. Yes. Everyone thinks I'm a pedophile.

Every time your whole life, even... No, his whole life, Deon has been walking into casting calls, and they're like, pedophile. Fantastic. Unfortunately, we're casting for Harry Potter. But when we got one for you, we're calling you, Deon.

When I was five, I was a pedophile. At five, they was like, Oh, he's going to be an amazing pedophile when he gets ready.

It's really hard to be a pedophile at five.

It's really hard to be a pedophile at five. No. No, you haven't met me. The master. You haven't met me.

Wait, so they tell you this, and you're thinking, you got to be thinking, clearly, you were thinking, I got to do this.

At first, I was like, No. Then I was like, Wait a minute. I was thinking, and I was like, Man, this would be another part of some real to show me different. Show me doing some different stuff and showing some range. I just was like, All right, fine. Cool. I find cooler. I just started doing some things.

No, it's not like when someone is going to It's not like when someone's going to play a cop and they do a ride around. No, you don't just... Well, I guess I got it. No, you don't know. Just read the words.

I was good to say, I got to watch the old movie.

Yeah, that's good. Okay, good. You're a convincingly bad guy. You did a good job. You did a good job. I know that, I mean, to me, it's at this stage in a career, you've got to push yourself off out of your comfort zone. You got to do things. We know what you can do, and then it's just take these roles that... And especially if you've got people like Oprah and Spielberg and Quincy Jones. It's like, Yeah, okay. I'm going to give this a shot.

You have to. I feel like if you're comfortable, you're not elevating. So that means that you're content. You're content with wherever you're at. And I feel like you just have to try different things. I might be one hell of a golfer. I might be the best. I might be the best mother fucker I've been. I just got to go golf to go see them.

Great. If the first time you tried it, you were the best. In the world. In the world. It's just so amazing.

I used to go off all the time, and then I just… But my thing is, you just have to try these things, man, and see what you can and can't do. I would never be a stand-up if I didn't try it. You know what I mean? It's like you have to, especially if it's something telling you that you can do it.

You know what's crazy to me is I know your story, I think, pretty well. One thing I can identify with is you were a late bloomer in comedy. I always felt I was, too, in some ways. I was funny with my friends. A lot of people thought I was a pretty serious person, and I was. I was a very serious person because I knew I wanted to achieve something, but I wasn't the class clown. I wasn't goofing around. It took you a while to figure out that comedy was something that you could do, right?

Yeah, because I felt the same way. I felt like I'm not hitting myself in the face with pies, so how can I be funny? I'm not slipping on banana pills and shit, so I'm not funny. But you begin to learn that your perspective, if your perspective is different, it could be funny. Then you start looking at people like, What's my man's name? Mitch Headberg.

Mitch Headberg, yeah.

You start looking at George Garland. You start looking at these people and you're going, Oh, they're not hitting themselves in the face with pies. They're just talking and they have a perspective. It was like, Oh, okay. Well, maybe I can do Boom.

You must have had friends telling you- Nobody.

Really? Except for this is what my friends used to say, Nigger, you crazy. That was it. That's all I got my whole life.

That's what my friends used to say.

They'd say to you, too.

That's my whole life.

There's only one reason I don't say that to you. What's that? It's something about one of the words. I just think the word crazy is a little… It's tough. It's a tough word, crazy is. But Nobody said, nobody was like, You are hilarious.

I never got that. It was just always be like… One day, my friend was just like, Dude, you should do stand up. And he was like, Man, if I get you 50 dollars, you do it. And I was just like, All right. That was it. Yeah, but it wasn't me. It wasn't me sitting back like, Yeah, I'm about to do stand up. It wasn't me going, I'm going to be the best pedophile ever. It wasn't me again. It wasn't me again. That's what I'm saying. I'm not choosing my life, Comen. No. Life chooses you. Life chooses you. Life chooses you. And that's all that I'm saying.

My heart wants what it wants.

I'm just here for the choosing. I'm here for the choosing.

I'm watching your special and I'm laughing really hard. You have so much great material about being single and having relationships with different women. I'm watching it and I'm like- You just say it normally.

It makes you so uncomfortable.

I'm sorry. Did you guys know I became an ordained Lutheran Minister over the weekend? Anyway. Yeah, finally. No. But I'm watching it and I'm laughing really hard. I always think when I'm watching someone, it's natural to think this person is talking about this life and this is so funny. Then I'm realizing, I don't do any comedy about this. I wonder why. I'm like, Oh, right. I've been married for 22 years. I go home, we eat some broiled chicken, and then we watch some foreign television show that was made in Norway. But not French. Not French. That gets a little too heated. Then we arrange the curtain that separates us in our double I'm in bed. But your comedy is so much draws on your personal life and these experiences, and it's so funny, and your observations are so funny. I'm like, I'm just living vicariously through you. Then I'm thinking it would be really funny if I went out and I did a special about me and I talked about all that stuff and it was complete bullshit. Do you know I mean, I basically had basically if I had Deon write it for me, and it's me just going out there saying, Here's another thing.

Remember, we used to do that with Brian Kyrie. Yeah, Brian Kyrie.

I just want to send them out there with something I wrote.

He would say that stuff. But here's the thing, though. But it's beautiful. That was the beauty of Our dynamic was that these two worlds collided. Yeah. And they collided, and it was just this unrelentless funniness that went on. I think, what is that one video? Remember when I took you to that Soulful restaurant? Yes. I love that remote.

I love that remote.

It's just the two of you talking.

But it's so funny. It was so funny. It was pure. It's the pureness of that. I came to work with some food in a Cool Whip bowl, and it was like, What's that? And I'm like, Sofu. I was like, Konan ain't never had Sofu. I'm like, He ain't never had Sofu. Shit. Let's go get some soulful. Let's go. Mike Sweenley is like, Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. And kaboom. You know what I mean? It's just the pureness of that. So your world and my world colliding with That's always just the best, man.

Well, I think one of the things that is... I think it's funny because we come, obviously, from completely different places, but we both find similar things really funny. Absolutely. That's my favorite way to connect with people.

To fish out the world of beauty. It wasn't just happening just on stage. It was just in real life, too. That was just fun. I mean, one day he came to work and there was a Bentley in his parking space. He was like, Who the fuck has a Bentley that works for me? I'm looking out the window, Hey, get away from my Bentley.

Hey, lady.

I just got, Hey, lady, get away from that Bentley. I just watched that, motherfucker.

I remember that so well. Oh, my God. I remember that so well. Looking out the window, Andy Richter doesn't have a Bentley. He's driving a Volkswagen Fane from 1975.

Wearing leather pants.

Yeah, leather pants.

Just about to give him away. Man, these things stink. I know, I'm going to have a 'Conan' birthday's coming up.

Let's give him to Konan.

I could get these cleaned or I could wrap it up in a J. Crew box and give them to Konan. He's stupid enough. He'll wear them. You know crazy to me is- That was so funny, man. We talk about these differences, obviously, me, crazy, too white, sickly white, Irish Catholic from Boston Mass, you from South Side, Chicago. There are differences between... I'm always amazed by this. Humans will always find a way to have an attitude about someone else, even if it's you're on the south side of Chicago and you say there's a chasm between the south side and the north side. I'm wondering, what's that all about?

Man, I have no idea, man. It's just Chicago is one of the most segregated cities, still is to this day. The Irish is Irish on their side, the Hispanic on their side, Asians on their side. It's really bizarre when you go to Chicago right now. You go, Why is it still like this? But it really is, and it's always been that way. But with stand-up in Chicago, I just never wanted to stay on the south side. I just always wanted to hit every area in the city to see if it worked because I just always felt like, and I feel this way towards barbers who do hair. I'd be like, Why would you just do Black hair? Why don't you just do our hair? You're a barber. Why would you only do White hair? Do all hair. Because if you're a barber, be a barber, right? Yeah. Learn everybody's hair.

Have some curiosity, yeah.

Do everybody's hair. I felt that way with jokes. I felt like, I'm a comic. I'm not a Black comic. I'm a comic. So go work out all these, go to all these parts of the city and do it. So it worked in my favor in a sense.

Did you have friends that say, Why are you going up to the north side?

It'd be crazy. I have friends in each part. Nobody hung out with each other, but I would go up north and be with all my white friends, and we'd do sets, and then I'd leave, and I'd go to the Hispanic part. I got my Hispanic comedian friends, and I would perform them and my Asian friends. I would just go to the Hispanic part, and I got my Hispanic comedian friends, and I would perform them and my Asian friends. I would just go to the I just always had a good relationship with everybody. I thought that way when I wrote. I thought, I don't want to write this and then have to rewrite it. Let me just do it this one time, and hopefully, it'll work with everybody. It could be hood enough, but smart. Smart enough as well that everybody can get it. To this day, I just try to write like that. It takes me two years to write a special. When a lot of people, it takes them one year. I only can do it every two years.

Well, first of all, to be fair to you, you're busy doing a lot of other stuff. I mean, yeah. It's not your only gig. But how do you write? Do you write on stage or do you sit down?

No, I have to live. I have to live. I have to put myself in situations I wouldn't normally be in in order to find something funny.

When you do a bit about murdering a stranger.

Yeah, I either know someone who did it, I either know someone who just murdered someone, or I thought about it. No, but I was just at Nascar, probably about eight months ago. I was there and just at Nascar, it was just soaking it in. I was in the Pitmasters and all that shit, and I was sitting there, I didn't know what the fuck was going on? But I just noticed the car just kept going around in circles. And everybody had beers and shit, and outfits, and checkered pants. I still don't know what the checkered shit is about, but it was like, Oh, it's checkered shit. How did you?

Wait a minute. But we had a good goddamn time. But I know what? Someone didn't anesthetize you, knock you out, and take you to Nascar. You chose to go there. I chose to go. Who invited you to Nascar?

Yo, Nascar.

Oh, okay. That's a man? Nascar was like, Hey, you want to come to- Louis J. Nascar.

Louis J. Nascar. All right.

So they invited you. They invited me. Did you perform there or no?

I think a lot of people was like, Fuck, no. I was like, Hell, yeah. Let me go. I didn't perform nothing. I just went. I went to the writer's meeting, the driver's meeting before. I sat there with them. I went. They had a red car. I'm going to tell you how white it was there. They had this red carpet, and I walked the red carpet, and no one even looked at me. I was It was one Black lady with an iPhone that took a picture of me. It was all these photographers with real cameras. It was just one Black lady like, I love you all, Old Spice commercial.

Click.

I was like, Thank you.

I'm wearing Old Spice now because of you.

I walk up, nobody saying nothing to me. But then everybody else came up. They were screaming, Everybody name. That's how it was. But we We had so much fun, man. After a while, we was just having fun and joking about the shit. People started finding out that I was a comedian. They were finding out that I was a comedian. They was like, Hey, what you do? I was like, Oh, jokes? I like jokes. Come on. We hung out and they grilled. Shit, we just fucking kicked it, man. I was like, Man, I like this. I left with a high five minutes on NASCAR.

You know what's I went to all the Black clubs.

Where did they go? Anybody go to Nascar?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Silence. Crickets. Silence. Silence. This is the problem is if you go too far into exploring other worlds. To be like, I'm in Bermuda and I'm buying Madras shorts. You guys with me? Hey, where's everyone going? You don't want to go too far.

You got to reach the room, man. That's the problem. But I still have the material, and I'm going to use it one day. No, but I have to, man. I have to do that. That's how I write, man. I have to do things I normally want to do or listen. I like to listen a lot. A lot of people might think I talk a lot. I go in a room full of people. I'm quiet. I'm just listening to everybody's story and everything. I'm just trying to find funny in it, and that's just it. Coney is like that, too. Coney, I remember, What happened that time? I think somehow I went to the hospital. He was like, Let's film it.

Sure. Some people would wait to see how serious is it. But I'm like, Well, before we do that, let's make sure we get it on. Let's make sure we monetize whatever's happening to Deion. Is that what you're talking about?

They kicked me off the lot and I had to where to park at and shit. I remember that. Yeah, you remember that?

Say what happened.

I didn't even know this could happen. But every time you park illegally on the lot, they give you a warning. I think everyone at some point got a warning. But Deon got so many warnings that they didn't let him park on the lot anymore. They revoked his parking privileges. You had to park, I think, down the street.

Down the street and walk into the lot.

You're parking a Bentley at a meter? You really had a Bentley? Yes. Yes. It was beautiful. It was gorgeous. It's the only Bentley I've ever seen.

It was white.

It was convertible. Yeah, it was beautiful. I've never in my whole life ridden in a Bentley, and I asked Tion, and he said, no. He said, I want your leather pants stinking up.

I used to park in this. It was a parking space on one of my brothers. The parking space, they Bruce Willis. Yeah. I parked there every day because I'm like, I ain't no motherfucking Bruce Willis parking in here.

It barely seems like it could be him.

I parked there for seven months. Nobody said nothing. Right in front, right there in front, I was like, nothing. One day, they tripped out and was like, You can't park in Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis ain't parking here.

One day, he does and he pulls a white Bentley.

And they beat him.

You were here already.

She got kicked off the lot. Yeah.

Then we did this bit where you let me park on the stage. We had to rent a car. I pulled it on the stage and the car stayed there the whole show. Then at the end, I got my car.

Backed out. You know what's fun is I remember you started doing stuff on our show, and then you started getting friendly with celebrities, and it was just fun. You'd be telling me about how you were hanging out with some incredibly cool person, and I'd be like, They've never reached out to me. I don't blame them. They shouldn't. But it's really fun when you talk in your in your comedy, sometimes you'll talk about some of the people you hang out with. It's It's really fun because, again, I'm living vicariously through you. You're having all these crazy adventures. You're out there meeting these different women. You're out there going to these parties. Yes, but- I love how I say parties. I know. I know. I love to say- These parties where people apparently congregate and have liquor.

In libations.

I feel like you're going to sentence a witch to death.

I'm sorry. There'll be no parties on time.

No, but the people I used to meet with you was like... I remember I didn't know all these great people I met with him and shit. I remember one day there, I was telling my God, and I was like, Yeah, I I was like, We was on tour. How was the show? I was like, Yeah, it was cool. This motherfucking name Neil Diamond showed up, and he was cool. Neil was cool as shit. Not even knowing the magnitude of Neil Diamond. Just like, Yeah, Eddie That nigga Eddie Vedder. All right, man. It was like Eddie Vedder.

Eddie Vedder came and you had no idea. Who is that? It was Eddie Vedder. You're like, Oh, well, is this your accountant? Yes, it's my accountant, Eddie Vedder.

Bro, we was kicking it. They weren't on their name shit. They were just cool motherfuckers not even knowing the magnitude of who they was until later. You know what I mean? Then going, oh, shit. Yo, that's that motherfucker I was eating cake with. That Neil Diamond, me and him was eating cake. I swear we ate cake on the same plate.

I don't think you're thinking of Neil Diamond. Me, it's Neil Young. Neil Young.

Neil Young. Neil Young. Neil Young. Oh, my God, even better. I fucked the main one. Neil Young. I knew it was a Neil.

Neil something.

It was Neil Armstrong. Neil Sedaka is Konan's main hang. What?

Neil Sedaka. Neil Young.

It was Neil Young because I kept thinking, wait a minute, Neil Diamond was hanging out on our tour and I didn't get to meet him? Sweet, Karen. That was Neil Young. Neil Young.

That's who I ate cake with.

Neil Young, yeah. I feel like everyone bonded with you, too. You met everybody and everyone was with everyone's phone numbers.

Everybody loved you. Then later on, you'd be at these parties and you'd be sending me crazy pictures of you with the biggest stars in the world. I'd be like, Oh, did you mention me, to be No, asshole, I didn't. Oh, shit. She just dropped my name.

She told me I'm saying I said I.

She probably loves my from the early '90s. We really broke the fourth wall. It didn't happen so much. He really broke the fourth wall.

That's cool, right?

Right. The sketch was one idea, but then it became another idea. It was meta.

That's what's going to win her over, too. Oh, he did?

No, he did. Okay.

The fourth wall? Oh, shit.

Give me his number. Fourth wall breaker. Fourth wall breaker. Never saw Jay Z break the fourth wall with some meta-comedy. Then Jay Z is really jealous of me. What's that shit you're doing with comedy.

Your whole monolog is breaking the Fourth Wall.

I know. I know. I know.

Every talk show for 50 years has just been breaking.

Yeah, exactly. No, just me. Just me. He's driving Jay-Z crazy at night, tossing and turning. He tries to relax in his plane made of diamonds that can't even take off because it's made of diamonds. God damn that, Conan. This weird fourth wall breaking comedy.

Oh, man, that's hilarious. I'm done.

How do you like now because you're doing this show, Average Joe, it's on BT, and now you're the guy. You're the first name on the call sheet. That's great. That's what everybody wants, but there's shit that comes with that, right?

Yeah, man. When we were first doing it, it's on Netflix now, the Average Joe is on Netflix. When we first started doing it, it was the first time I was number one on the call sheet. I went down to shoot still doing stand-up, still doing whatever I do and still thinking I could. I was so miserable because nobody told me that I couldn't do that no more. I'm walking around with four one-hour scripts every day because we were doing two episodes every two weeks. I'll be doing the two episodes that I'm shooting, and then I have to study for the two that's coming up. So it was four one hour scripts that I had to study all the time. It was so brutal. And it was like, oh, God, didn't nobody tell me I can't do stand-up no more. I can't do nothing no more. I was still trying to do it, and it wasn't working. And I just was like, you just have to submit and be like, All right, fine, forget it. Because don't know why I teach you how to be the first on the call. You just jump into it. A lot comes with that.

I learned to just let everything go. Knowing when I'm shooting, it's about that, that only, and can't do nothing else or whatever.

It's funny to me because I noticed it on your special. I noticed that when you walk in here, you... I mean, how many years have we known each other now? Has it been 15 years, maybe?

I think it's been 2009 you were on the show.

2009. Anyway, you don't look any different to me. You really don't. You really don't. It's It's funny because you talk in the special a lot about aging, and you're really funny about it, and you talk about it in this very honest way, but it's hilarious. After I watched the special, I thought, aging is really on Deon's mind. Then I thought, you look like a young man. Then I thought, if you're thinking that much about aging, I really need to be thinking about aging. I I'm not thinking that much about it. It's like, Shit.

Deon, you know. Man, I have because I've been thinking more about just legacy type stuff where you just like, Man, I'm getting older. Am I going to keep doing this? Am I going to keep eating chicken fingers in the back of the club at night? Am I still going to ride home with four comics in the car? Am I Everybody's pitching ideas. Am I going to keep doing? What am I going to do? Every year, it's this process that I go through in my mind and try to figure out where I'm at. Now I have to go. I'm getting older. I can't wear turquoise no more. I don't think that's true.

Haven't you seen the gold? Yeah. I can't wear bright colors no more.

That's not true.

I don't think that's true.

I don't like old people in bright colors. That's not true. Come on.

Okay, well, that's different.

Hot pinks, Miami Vice shirt. No, I can't. I'm done with them days.

That's one thing. I said I didn't want to give anything away, but I can't help it. This part where you're talking about how your body's changed.

You talked about me.

You said you had an orgasm and only wind came out.

I thought, Shit.

I was just like, Okay, I don't think that's true, but it's really such a funny image. It's such a funny image.

It was really close.

Yeah. You were like, Yeah, I think it's those vitamins I'm taking. Oh, my God. I was crying when you said that. Again, I'm just saying watch the special because there's so many little nuggets in there. But that image, I'm going to tease people with that image.

You should put a little reed down there so it whistles.

Yeah, makes a little sound. Maybe if you can sustain the orgasm and with the little manipulation, a little…

Like you're playing a saw.

Can you get some notes out of it?

That's crazy. My God.

My cheeks hurt.

That's funny that you got that as people would say to you, you're crazy, and that's what I would get, too. Then this is what we do. It's fun. I think there might be... I always go back to my dad who did say, I think there's something wrong with you, but it seems to be making money. And he's like a doctor who wouldn't... And he didn't say it to be funny. He was like, Yeah, no, there's something wrong with you, but keep going because it's- It's doing something. Taking care of some shit.

I think we're the only occupation where insults are actually compliments. They'll be like, You crazy motherfucker. You'll be like, Thanks a lot. I appreciate that. I really appreciate that.

You're a piece of shit. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

You're pedified.

Hey, you bought me in the roll. Thank you. You must think I'm a fantastic actor. Pedophile. Thank you. Glad you saw it. I've never seen the movie, so. Glad you saw it. Oh.

You're a pedophile.

Well, you know what? God damn it.

I- This is great.

Love hanging with you. Always have. It was such a lucky day, the day our paths crossed. I just keep watching you, killing it left and right. I'm so happy for you. I really am. Nothing but joy, some envy, some anger. I swear to God, someday, you should take me somewhere where I don't belong, where you do belong and where I don't belong. We should film it.

We should definitely do that.

Because you have to see me at a club. We got to go someplace where I don't belong and then just see what happens. I think we'd have a lot of fun.

I'm with it, man. Let's do it, definitely, man. I appreciate you, man. I tell you, man, I learned so much from you and I thank you, man. This is going to sound really weird, but you got to watch who around you, man. You give a lot of people a lot of stuff, and they run off with it, and they go become uber famous. But I don't think you can... How can I say? You can't help but give what you give. Because the way I'm thinking about, you can't help but give what you give. And what you're giving, I think people should give you way more credit for. And there's a lot of yous out there, man. And I see it all all the time. But this is such a thankless business we in. But I want to let you know, anytime I see that shit, I expose it and I let them know. Oh. No, I do. I'll be like this. I'll be like, Man, that's Konan. I'll be like, Yeah, Konan do that, right? I'll be like, Yeah, Konan do that, right? They'll be like, Yeah, yeah. I'll be like, Yeah, yeah. Do you ever shout them out about that shit?

Shout them out. But no, I honestly think that I think about all the people I grew up watching and how much of them- Them, I, as in you.

They're in my DNA, they're in my bones. I just think we all do that. There's no going around trying to… I'm just happy. I'm so happy when people that I think have a real gift like yourself, people who I really love and care about, go out there and do their thing in an uncompromising way and kill it. I'm just happy.

That just makes me happy. You made a great point. I just want people to know that you are the reason why they are the way they are. I'm big on that. I'm big on giving back and just acknowledging. I'm big on that because that's how people live. You live through me. You live through other people, but I acknowledge it. You know I mean? I want everybody to just acknowledge you, man. That's it because you've changed the game on several occasions, and you still are. Jesus.

You know what you're doing, brother. We're getting out there because I don't know what to say. No, for real.

You are, brother. You're so uncomfortable.

No.

But you know what? Am I telling the truth, though? You are. You are. For real.

We're all nodding our head because we- You know what never caught on?

The hair.

I would love it if no matter what community you went into, what ethnicity, they all had the cookey hair.

I don't care. I just saw this Jamaican comic last night. Big red ice cream pompador on his head. He's doing the string dance. That shit never caught on. I'm pissed. All right, I love you. I want to see you again soon. We're going to a club.

Let's do it. I'm with it.

Okay, guys, I got something.

You got something there?

The other day, my wife was messing around with ChatGPT. Actually, the way that sounds, she's having an affair with ChatGPT.

I saw your wife and Chat GBT at a restaurant, and they were very cozy. I know. Yeah. They were canoodling.

I got a lot of texts. But it made me think, let's see what AI thinks we are, the three of us.

It's a good idea.

I said, I want you to do a little scripted segment like we normally do for the intro or the segment of a show. Sure. We're going to read those now as ourselves. Okay.

Oh, how fun. Let's do it.

All right.

You know what? I'm betting this is a... Because ChatGPT has become very sophisticated. Here's what it says. This may be a viable way to do the show from now on if it's close enough to reality. Okay.

Ai says, Here's a playful podcast segment featuring banter between Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Session, and Matt Gourley, capturing their dynamic from O'Brien needs a friend.

This is so far fantastic. Yeah.

Upbeat music fades out.

Action. All right, we're back. I'm here with my assistant, Sonam Ofsessian, who, let's face it, barely qualifies as an assistant at this point. Jesus, that's good.

Oh, we're starting like this today? Okay, great.

It says, Laps. It says, Laps. Laps, yeah. We've got Matt Gourley, who I'm not sure what you do exactly, Matt, but you're here, and that's enough for me.

That's really all anyone can ask of me, Konan. I'm like a houseplant, low maintenance, but occasionally you wonder why I'm still here.

Right. A house plant that somehow manages to insult me every episode.

It's a delicate art like bonsai.

Wait, hold on. Konan, are you complaining about someone insulting you? You, Mr. I never go more than 10 seconds without roasting someone?

Well, Sona, it's different when I do it. I'm a master of the form. It's like Michelangelo chiseling David. When Matt does it, it's more like... Someone trying to fix a broken lawnmower with a fork.

Wow, I can actually picture that. Just jam the fork into the carburator and hope for the best. This metaphor has already gone off the rails, but now I'm invested in Matt's lawnmower repair business.

Matt, would you wear coverallss with your name embroidered on them?

Oh, Absolutely. They'd be broadly clean for someone who fixes lawn mowers.

Okay, okay. We need to focus. When did I become the angry dad in a sitcom?

I think because you say that often before you introduce the guest.

Okay, we need to focus. Can we talk about something that matters, like how I think I would make a phenomenal Disney Prince? What?

No. This is the fantasy we're really diving into today, huh?

Yes, I've thought about it. Imagine me in a forest, maybe singing, birds landing on my shoulders.

The birds would immediately fly away.

And probably sue you for emotional distress.

This is why I can't have a real conversation with you two. I'm just trying to picture myself in a soft velvet tunic crooning to a doe-eye woodland creature, and you're ruining it.

Listen, if a If a foiling creature saw you coming, it would just pretend to be a rock until you left.

That's pretty good. You know what? Forget it. I'm going to write my own animated film where I'm the Prince and you two are cursed objects that follow me around but can't speak. Great.

I'd love to play an old broken lawn mower. It seems fitting. Ha ha ha.

I'll be a fork. Perfect. Now that's a movie.

End.

You know what I'm going to say? This is usable.

It's not too far off.

No. I mean, they got our dynamic right, which is that I am clearly, ChatGPT knows that I'm an ego maniac. Yeah. I need to be in control. I have crazy flights of fancy and that you two are quiz-ical about my lyrical and verbal misadventures.

The great thing about this is that you can go back and do revisions using tweaks. I made a tweak, something that you and I have long been wanting on this show.

Not hear what it is and just we guess what it is later.

Okay. Upbeat music fades out.

All right, we're back. Today, I'm going to do something a little different. No jokes, no roasts. Roasts. Just straight up sincerity.

Hold on. Is this a trap?

Yeah. Konan being nice, I'm suspicious.

I assure you it's not a trap. I just want to take a moment to say how truly amazing you both are.

Wow, this is unexpected. Did you hit your head on something?

No, no head injuries. Just a genuine appreciation. Sona, you are the most indispensable part of this show. Your wit, your timing, and even your ability to keep me in check. It's all invaluable.

Okay, now I'm really suspicious. Are you planning to fire us and need to soften the blow?

You don't talk that way. No, no, I mean it. You're the glue that holds everything together. The fact that you handle all the chaos with such grace and humor is nothing short of remarkable.

I'm feeling pretty good about this, but I'll wait for the other shoe to drop.

Matt, let me tell you, your creativity and humor are beyond impressive. You bring such a unique energy to this show. Your ability to turn a simple conversation into something special is a rare talent.

Thanks, Konan. I don't think I've ever heard you speak like this before. I'm almost waiting for a punchline.

There's no punchline. I promise. You're both incredible at what you do. Matt, your insights and quick wit elevate every conversation. And Sona, your ability to keep everything grounded and running smoothly is unmatched. And let's not forget, while we do have our moments of roasting each other, it's all part of what makes this show work. Your contributions are crucial to our success.

I guess this is a nice change of pace. I'm almost feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Me, too.

Almost makes me want to give you a hug, Konan.

Easy there. No hugging required. I just wanted to make sure you both know how much I appreciate you. This is a team effort, and I couldn't do it without you. Now, let's get back to doing what we do best, having fun and making people laugh. Who knows? Maybe next time, I'll try to be nice again.

We'll hold you to that. Absolutely. If not, we'll just keep roasting you until you come around.

Deal. Now, let's get back to this show. That was a good edit, Matt.

Thank you.

That was the best. That was awful.

Did it hurt you to say that stuff?

No, not at all. I love you both. But it is funny. It's because ChatGPT does pick up on the intent and the rhythm. But it's that thing I've always said. It's an alien who's seen pictures of hamburgers only and then made a hamburger and you bite into it and you're There's something very wrong here. The alien would say, No, it is hamburger, just as I have seen it in over 10 billion images. I'm like, I know it just doesn't... Quiet, human. It is hamburger. Wait, why are you using Elizabethan language if you're an alien? Elizabeth She's an alien.

We got one more with just a final tweak. Nothing too important.

I'm actually really enjoying these a lot. I think they're really fun.

Upbeat music fades out and action.

All right, welcome back to the show. Today, we're diving into two of the most iconic franchises in cinema history, James Bond and Star Wars. Okay. Fuck you. I've got Sonam Obsesion and Matt Coy here, and we're about to geek out over some classic favorites.

Oh, I'm so ready for this. I mean, who doesn't love James Bond and Star Wars?

They're practically the definition of cool.

I've been a Bond fan since I was a kid. There's something so thrilling about those high-stakes missions and the gadget. Don't get me started on Star Wars. It's a galaxy far, far away, and that's just endlessly fascinating.

By the way, that sound you hear is ChatGPT shooting itself. I can't take it. This is bullshit. Right. I think the cool factor is the big draw for both. Bon Suave style and Star Wars' epic space adventures, it's like the ultimate mix of sophistication and imagination.

Absolutely. I've always admired how Bon manages to look so effortlessly classy while driving an Aston Martin off a cliff. And then, of course, Star Wars gives us the Millennium Falcon and lightsaber jewels. It's That's a great balance.

Speaking of gadgets, remember when Bond had that watch with a laser in it? I wanted one so badly. Then you've got Star Wars with droids like R2D2 and BB8. Those are gadgets I'd really love to have.

Yeah, the idea of having a droid do your bidding sounds amazing. Imagine having R2D2 just follow you around, handling all the annoying tasks.

Just imagine a crossover, James Bond in space, fighting off the Empire with Martini in it.

He'd definitely have some clever gadgets to disable the Death Star's laser wearing a perfectly tailored suit. No need to thank me, just saving the galaxy in style. Oh, my God. Does this keep going?

While we're at it, let's have a scene where Bond teams up with Hans Solo. They could have a high-speed chase through an asteroid field with Bond's gadgets and Hans' piloting skills.

I'm already sold. Oh, my God. There's a full page left. I'm already sold. Bond and Hans Solo, the ultimate dynamic duo. Don't forget Chewbacca and Q. It'd make a great team, too. Chuy, this is Q. I've got some gadgets that will make your Wooky Roar.

What about adding a little Star Wars flair to Bond's arsenal?

Why are you still trying?

A lightsaber watch, perhaps, or a droid that's also a master of disguise.

Ha, ha, ha. This crossover is getting better by the minute. I'm just imagining the new catchphrase, Bon, Star Wars, Bon. Perfect.

It's got everything. Action, adventure, and a touch of intergalactic sophistication.

The best part is we get to imagine all these epic scenarios while watching our favorite movies. It's like the ultimate fan fantasy.

Absolutely. Whether it's Bon's World of Espionage or Star Wars: Epic Space Battles, we're lucky to have such amazing universes to dive into. Here's to many more years of thrilling adventure. Cheers to that. A crossover, a James Bond, Star Wars crossover.

I didn't ask it for that.

I did you say, did you put into ChatGPT, go way too long?

I edited this down, believe it or not.

You edited this down?

I did, yeah. I didn't change any wording, but I edited it down.

Oh, my God. That was awful.

Oh, Oh, my God. I think I just asked, what if Sona, Matt, and Konan discussed James Bond in Star Wars as if they all liked it?

I have a question. Ai is going to get very good at simulating our voices soon. They already have. It's already good. It's done. Okay. What are we doing here?

Well, this is the content you're going to get.

You're okay with that? No, not that. But I mean, the content isn't there yet. But what are we, a year away? When are we all being replaced? I'm sorry. When are you all being replaced? As soon as you're ready. And I, as soon as you're ready, get all the money. Do we get the check?

Wait, we don't even get the paycheck.

No, you get nothing.

But it's our likeness.

Well, I don't know.

You got to cough up.

No, didn't Scarlett O'Hara?

Scarlett O'Hara.

Where is this going? Jesus, where is that going? Scarlett O'Hara, huh? Where is that headed? Where did that go?

Didn't Scarlett Johansson win a loss?

Joe Hansen? Joe Hansen? Joe Hansen?

I've been up all night. My daughter had me up all night. Didn't Scarlet- Joe Hansen?

Are you okay? Oh, my God. This is the part ChatGPT can't recreate. He's broken. Human breaks. Chatgpt doesn't understand. I turned a computer on at 5:00 in the morning. It doesn't give a shit. It just does its job.

Didn't she win some court battle where they couldn't use her voice in AI?

It's just her voice, but they said yes to everything else. Really? Yeah. Us? No, I'm lying. I'm so got. What court would say it's okay, you can't use Scarlett Johansson, but you can use everyone else?

Yeah. No, that would actually be my dream, is I just do nothing, and then you have to send me a check.

Dream achieved. Mission accomplished, Banner. I'm doing it for decades now. I love Sona like, If there was only some way I could give very little and still make money, oh, boy, maybe tomorrow. All right, everybody. There you go. That's a sad look at the future. A sad, chilling at the future.

Our overlords.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXm when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.