Transcript of Longest Fixed Borders In History

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Hi, Vasco. Welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Hi. Hey, Vasco. How are you?

Doing great. Thanks. Great to be here.

It's good to have you. Where are you coming to us from?

I'm in Portugal in a little town by the seaside called Etisaita. Oh, wow. It's like 40 minutes Lisbon.

Okay. I have never been to Portugal in my life. Tell me a little bit, first of all, about yourself and then Portugal. Tell me, who are you? Who is this man named Bosco?

Who am I? I am a Portuguese born and raised.

Who am I? I wonder. I walk the streets of Lisbon, pondering. What do you like to do?

Well, Well, the main reason why I moved here was for the surf, so I'm big on that. I'm big on being in the sea. I come from a family of sailors, but surf is my main thing. Other things that I like are photography, video games. I've actually been working in the video game industry for the past 10 years, but since it's a bit shaky at the moment, in between jobs for about a year, which has been a bit challenging, But it's also been good to slow down and enjoy the place where I live spending time with friends.

You're a surfer, and you're able to access that inner surfer cool, maybe, even during times of stress, yes? Would you say you're a pretty laidback, chill guy?

Yeah, I'd say so. I'd say that's the best compliment I've been given was how calm I am.

Okay. You're a guy that likes to get in the water, spend a lot of time in the water. Listen, Vasco, I'll be honest with you. I fear the ocean. As it should. I fear the ocean, not because I'm a good swimmer. I like to get in the water, but you appear to have some melanin in your skin. You appear to be someone who could probably get a tan and look pretty good. I don't. Look at me. I can't be in the sun for more than four minutes at a time.

I have Irish blood in me as well, so I don't get tanned as much as the average Portuguese. I feel you that. I'm also covered with freckles, but I think the bass tone is a bit darker, so they're not so noticeable.

I'm just going to say it. This guy's just so much more attractive than I am.

You know what? Yeah. I'm sorry. But yeah, I was thinking it, too. I think we all were. Yeah. No, it's okay. He's a surfer, and that's cool, and you don't surf. Yeah.

Vasca, would you date us?

He's got a cool mustache.

Yeah, you've got a really cool- Four-way date.

That sounds You've got to...

No, forget Konan. Just me and Matt.

I'm up for it.

Let's do it.

All right. Vasco, I don't know much about Portugal. I'll tell you that right now. I don't know much. What I do know about Portugal is that for a while, when people in the United States were maybe getting a little upset about how things were going here, people were saying, You can move to Portugal, and they'll give you citizenship if you just buy some property. But then I heard that went away. They shut it down.

Well, I hear they might be bringing it back, and I know that there's- I wonder why. Yeah, there's been an influx of Americans. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Whenever things get shaky in the United States, everybody runs to Portugal. But tell me about Portugal. I really don't know much about it.

So we have a pretty long and rich history. So one cool thing is that we have the oldest fixed borders in history. So basically, Portugal started by helping the Spanish kick out the moors of the Iberian Peninsula, and they just went from north to south, getting them out. And then basically, the Portuguese king got to keep that land as its country. The main land hasn't changed that much since then.

Can I just say one thing, Bosco? A T-shirt that says, Portugal, longest fixed borders in history. It's not catchy. Do you know what I mean? You want land of fun and sun or- These colors don't run. There's great T-shirts for countries. Do you know what I'm saying? But land of longest fixed borders in history That's not getting anybody excited. That's the name of their national anthem, too.

Exactly. It's not that far off.

Of all the countries, ours have the longest fakes borders. The latitude and longitude were established in 1220. Wait, it's to the tune of our national anthem? Yeah, because we got a kick-ass anthem. I'm sorry, I'm not singing another country's anthem. Nice tribe, buddy boy. I want you to report back to the Kremlin. Sorry, Vasco. But I think we need to know more about Portugal. You can't just say longest fixed borders. We encourage the Moors to move out. No, that's not good stuff. You need something better. What else you got?

Well, we had the biggest empire for the first global empire 500 years ago. You've got Cristiano Ronaldo. That's pretty much the reason why most people know the existence of Portugal these days.

It's because of Cristiano Ronaldo. Does he hang out in Portugal much, or is he one of those guys who made it big and then just never, ever comes back to Portugal?

No, he comes back. He's got his family all shacked up with him in a huge mansion by the sea.

But do you ever see him by the 711, buying magazines and some beef jerky? Do you ever see, Hey, Cristian, how are you? What's going on? Does that ever happen?

No, he lives in a very secluded existence here in this country. You don't really see him.

Yeah, I do that, too, because of my Fame in America. I live in a massive compound surrounded by guards, and I'm rarely seen outside. It doesn't help when you just keep saying no.

I walk around with you and you're very like, I'm Konan, everybody.

We've all heard about your jogging, and I've seen you in person, actually.

Sometimes. Oh, you saw me in person.

It all just crumbled in a second.

Where did you see me in person?

It must have been 2014. First time I went to E3, you were there and you were just towering over everyone.

The E3 gaming convention. I went there to shoot something. So you saw me in person. Were you impressed? Were you like, Oh, my God, what a Greek God? I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but could you say that, please? No. You took one look at you and said, The longest fixed borders It's a little bit of history.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I think we're even now. But no, I thought someone was cosplaying as a Ginger Slender Man. That was my first thought.

You know, that's not a That's a good idea for cosplay for me, Vasco. But Vasco, here's my concern. My concern is that Portugal, when you say it, I know it's an amazing place. I'm sure it is, but nothing comes to mind. Do you know what I mean? And you're struggling. You've got fixed borders and Cristian Ronaldo, who you've never seen because he lives in a 9,000-square-foot house.

Exactly. Well, I mean, what can we say about the Portuguese? I think we're considered to be quite of a melancholic breed. We're quite stoic and serious. Yeah, it's great entertainment.

This is really good tourism bureau stuff. Yeah. Portugal, come for the stoicism. Stay for the fixed borders.

The long faces and the deep stares of people who actually like it that you're there, but they just won't show.

You'll think they hate you, but they may not. Portugal. No, I think we need... Don't you think we need to do something, Vasco?

Yeah, that's what I'm here for.

When you think about France, you think, oh, bread, wine, cheese, barrez, Eiffel Tower. When you think about England, you think about roast beef, the great cliffs of Dover, guys with tall furry hats, guarding the Queen. Everyone's got their stuff. What about Port wine?

Well, that's more of a British invention. That's what it's called.

What? I teed that up for you. You could have taken it. No. We want the truth here. And Matt, we don't need you explaining the essence of Portugal to Bosco. Well, he's not. So, Bosco, what do you think? How do we fix this problem?

Well, that's what I was reaching out to you for. We need to establish a potentially offensive national stereotype for Portugal because I think we're lacking in that. And I feel like I don't have a place in the world because when I say I'm Portuguese, people just give me the same blank stares that you guys are doing.

Oh, I see. What you want is you want me to create a stereotype about the Portuguese that creates a lot of a whole class of Portuguese jokes.

Yeah, without any basis or knowledge of the country.

Well, if you come to the right guy. You're looking for a comedian to shoot from the hip, make up stuff about Portugal that offends everybody, and give you guys an identity.

We're pretty thick skin. We can take a joke. We like a lot of dark humor, so I'm pretty sure we can take it. Or you just might get blacklisted. That's one or the other.

Or beaten. I might be beaten. What's the food in Portugal?

The food is definitely one of the highlights.

Tell me what the food is, because that's a lot of where the culture comes from. You know what I mean? In Italy, when people maybe want to stereotype Italy, they talk about, Oh, my mama, she makes the pasta, and yay, and they talk with their hands and all that stuff. What do you got in Portugal?

We have really good food. But the main thing would be fish. Most of the people live close to the sea.

Fish?

Yeah, seafood.

Fish? Come on. No, fish. I'm sorry, Sona.

People come all over the world from this.

My mama, she's making a pasta. She She makes a pasta.

She's making a pasta. Then I want something from Portugal and I get, You may have some fish. Oh, what kind? Just fish. Well, this is good.

This is working what you're doing.

You're stereotyping it. Yes. No, I think maybe that's what I... Well, I'm serious. In Greece, we smash bottles, we drink Uzo, we dance on tabletops. She makes the pasta. But in Italy, I'm making the pasta, making of the pasta, mama, mama. But you, Portugal, fixed borders, stoicism, fish. We've got to do something.

I think to your benefit, We don't put a lot of condiments on our food. Oh, wow.

Okay.

But it's because the fish is that tasty that we don't need to put anything on it. Just a little bit of salt and pepper.

Yes, the subtle taste of untreated fish. Hey, excuse me, Portuguese waiter. Do you mind if I... No. Couldn't I have just a little bit of... No. What else besides fish?

Well, we have quite a sweet tooth. We have these... People call them egg tarts, but we call them.

You're not selling it, Bosco. Egg tart?

I'm sorry. They're delicious. They're delicious.

They sound- Gather round, kids. If you've been good. What's this great delicacy, this egg tart? Tell us, how is it made? What's an egg tart?

It's a crunchy philo pastry. It's like a cupcake, more or less. Shaped like a cupcake.

Okay, that's better.

It's the same size. You're doing good. It's crunchy on the outside. It's super flaky, lots of butter. Then the filling is this mustard. It's creamy with a little hint of lemon, maybe some turmeric. They bake them so that they're a little bit burnt on top. Then you serve them with a bit of cinnamon, and it's delicious.

Okay, that's a lot better. You just need to change the name. Because kids, Halloween, ding, ding, oh, yay, yay, trick or treat. Here's your egg tart. It It doesn't work. Do you know what I mean? But what you're describing sounds a little better. We just need to work on the terminology.

Why are they giving out pastries at Halloween?

Because they don't have anything else. Also a holiday they don't even celebrate. I'm sorry. Do you guys have Halloween?

Well, we do because we inherited it from the Americans.

Yeah, everyone has Halloween now. Maybe it sounds better in Portuguese. Maybe it's not called egg tarts, but maybe in Portuguese, it's a better name. Oh, so Eduardo is showing a lot of cultural sense What's it called in Portuguese?

It's called, which means cream pastries.

See, that's better.

That's better. You lost the egg. Yeah, it's good. I always take egg out of any dessert or candy.

Well, most of our sweets are egg-based, actually.

But you do have Halloween, so it's nice because if a kid doesn't get an egg tart, they just drop a fish in this Exactly.

That's how we live it up.

I think I almost feel like the tourism board in Portugal needs help, don't you think?

Yes, exactly.

We need to come up with some stuff that gives a little boost to Portugal and that people start to talk about worldwide.

Yeah, for sure.

Don't you guys have the biggest wave to surf or something like that?

Yes.

You're a surfer. You should have started with that.

Do you have the biggest wave in the world?

Yeah. I mean, biggest surf wave, yes. It's this place called Neserai. It's like two hours north from here.

I've seen footage of it. Yes, it's fantastic. It's beautiful and it's majestic. Have you ever surfed over there?

No, I don't have a death wish, at least not yet. But it's very impressive to see. I think a lot of these guys are looking for a ticket out. It seems like it. But there's so much water you feel the place vibrating from the energy of it. It's something that... Like the videos and the photos are something amazing to look at, but just seeing it up front- That's amazing.

Now, this is something you could... Well, again, does it help with tourism to say, Portugal, our wave will kill you?

No.

What a way to go. I'm looking for stuff. You've got fixed borders, fish with no spices or condiments. Boy, we got you back. I mean, a wave that will kill you. If you've got a sweet tooth, we'll make you an egg tart. I'm just summing up. We've got problems.

You can come watch the waves and see someone else who might die. Be appealing.

Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Portugal, want to see someone die?

Have you ever considered working for France's tourism board as an antidote for people going to Portugal?

Thank God. You could be the anti-tourism board guy. I think we can do better for Portugal because I know you have a beautiful country. I can tell you guys are fantastic. Nothing against Portugal, but you're just not getting the right word out there. You need a salesman to sell Portugal, don't you think?

Yeah, I think so. We're too self-deprecated for that.

Okay. I know of what you speak, but it's time to start tooting your own horn, okay? Okay. Maybe even if we have to lie, we could make up some things about Portugal. Sure. You know? Sure. What? We could put out the rumor that occasionally, Cristian Ronaldo comes out of his house. It goes to a 711. It goes to a 711.

He starts offering the mustard tarts to everyone.

Yeah, exactly. Are you a good surfer?

I've done it for a while. I'm not a pro, but I can hold my own in pretty much any condition.

I'm going to tell you something.That's those giant waves. At my age, I've never tried to surf. I have a very long legs and a very high center of gravity, which I think doesn't help me, plus a total lack of coordination and a lot of fear. Those things, I think, have gotten in the way of my becoming a surfer. Could you teach me to surf, do you think?

I'd be happy to, yeah. I think you'd be quite useful in the water.

You think I'd be good?

He said useful. Not necessarily good, but useful. Like a raft.

Yeah, when you I thought you said useful. I thought you said youthful. Did you say useful?

I heard useful.

How would I be useful in the water?

Well, your impressive height would be a great beacon to know where to sit to pick up the waves. Then I think your constant craving for attention would allow you to engage with all the other surfers, distract them from the waves, and then I could just catch more waves.

It gets pretty crowded. I love Portugal.

You need her attention. Would they even be excited to see him? Because if everyone's so stoic, would they just be like, All right, Konan's here. Would they even care?

They would be like, Come on, funny man, say some jokes.

I can get that at home. That's my wife and kids. I like that. You would take me to surf because I'm a beacon and I would be a distraction. That's terrific.

I'd be happy to teach you, and I think it'd be a great victory if I got you to stand up.

Can I ask you personal questions? Are you in a relationship right now?

I'm not.

Okay, guess what? I'm a great wingman. I just want to tell you that right now. No, I am. You doubt that? I'm a really good wingman. People come over to see, what is that? What is that thing? And then I say, And this is my friend, and they're like, oh, it talks. And I say, and this is Vasco, and then you're in. What do you think?

I like that approach. Yeah, I think it might work.

I could take you out. I could be your wingman.

Yeah.

What do you do? Do you hang out with other surfers?

Yeah. I live in this little cul-de-sac, and there's a nice wave right out front. It's like a three-minute walking distance from the beach. We made a community just from the people who surf there, and we all surf together. One of them is actually Irish, which I thought you might think is interesting. No.

You got it. You surf with an Irish friend, but do you guys all hang out together after you surf?

Yeah. We used to go over to each other's places to do a little bit of a recap and have some beers.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. See? Maybe break out an egg tart, a fish with no salt or pepper on it. Yeah, that's great. I'm just curious, would I Can we fit in in that world? Maybe we spend a day surfing, then we go and we hang out and we have something to drink, we have some beers, and we hang out with the other guys. Is that what happens? Yeah.

If you speak the lingo, yeah, I think it'll fit in.

You mean if I speak Portuguese?

No, I mean the surf lingo. Yeah, The porches won't help. It won't hurt either. But I mean, more like the surf lingo.

What's the surf lingo?

It's like you're shredding it or you got shacked or it was so gnarly or you got completely toasted.

Okay, well, a bunch of those things have happened me, but I wasn't surfing. I did report it. Vasco, he seems like a very nice guy. Yeah, he does. You're a very nice guy. You're a very cool guy. I think you insulted me possibly 800 times during this call, which is about average when I talk to people, and I love that. I don't know why I'm a masochist, but you seem like a good guy. Yeah, maybe someday we can surf, I can be your wingman, and we can help Portugal. Because I think that would be a fantastic thing to do. It's time to put Portugal on the map.

Exactly. I agree.

It's been on the map longer than any country.

Oh, yeah, with fixed borders. It has fixed borders. Fixed borders, fish, eggy tarts. Long stairs. All right. Well, Vasco, very cool to meet you. Really nice talking to you.

And peace out. Yeah, it was great talking to you guys as well. I've been listening to the podcast and watching your show since since forever.

Well, that's good. It's a very good use of your time.

I think so, too.

Yeah, I was being sarcastic. All right, well, Bosco, thank you very much, and I hope to see you soon.

Thank you. Have a great day.

Yeah, bye.

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