Transcript of Adam Scott

Hi, my name is Adam Scott, and I feel pure joy about being Conan O'Brien's fucking friend. Wait, what is this?

What is it? Yeah, that's right.

But I love that he had to think about. You hit pure joy, and then you clearly couldn't do it. You had eaten something, rotten, and you couldn't keep it down.

I think putrified is the the exact word, the exact feeling.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and Hey there.

Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a friend. I do need a Fortunately, I have 1. 5 in Sonum of Cessian.

Wait a minute.

And Gourley, Matt Gourley.

Am I 0. 5 or are we both 0. 75?

Or is it something- You know what? It's something you'll have to figure out on your own. That's the beauty of my mystical little quips. You never know what I really mean. This is an exciting day because Sona is wearing a jacket I haven't seen before. This is a woman who will wear the same jacket day in and day out. I don't believe someone should be a clothes Of course, I don't think someone should be styling it every day. That's not my way. But I am not a material man.

But you talk about my clothes all the time.

Because for most of the many, many, many years I employed you, you wear the same jacket every day.

With all due respect, does that jacket exist anymore?

Jesus, Matt. Sorry. It does not.

No, no. Did that jacket go up in the fire? Yes, it did.

This is what it meant. Oh, my God. I brought it up like- Oh, yeah.

So maybe you should have Why is he saying that?

I meant to defend you.

I just assumed it would be okay because you wear it all the time. The one time you took it off, you left it in your house, and that's when your house caught fire? Yes.

You should buy me a new one.

Yeah, well, I could buy you 30. They don't look that expensive. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We just also noticed that this is the first recording we've done since the one recording we've done after the fires, and already you're back on early.

All I'm saying is- You're back on it. I used to give you a hard time about that jacket, and I'm sure we've discussed it in different episodes. I called it the old Dr. Zayas. It's a dark jacket. Dr. Zayas, this was an orange.

It was a black leather jacket.

Yeah, it was black, but had some crenellations and folds. Had a little bit of an '80s vibe to it.

Oh, my God.

But anyway, you just wore the same thing every single day. I used to say, did I not? I'll get you a jacket.

I looked so cool in that jacket. I did. Nothing is cooler than a worn-in jacket.

Oh, it was worn in all right. Yes. No, no, no. It was, wow, I am shocked that jacket's gone because that is such a part of- It's okay.

She lived a good life.

She saw some shit.

It's a she. It's a she.

Yeah, I don't know. Your current jacket is definitely a she.

My current jacket, my best friend, Veronica, got me this one. Oh, look at this. What is that? She gave me because I had pins all over my other denim jackets. She got me a happy face, a popcorn, a Freddie Mercury, and a vagina pin.

I love that I just pointed to a vagina and said, What is that? What is that? I've You should tell a new discovery.

Wait. I know you want to... You should probably see it.

It's not just a vagina.

It's got the fallopian tubes. Yeah, it has fallopian tubes.

Yeah, it has the whole thing. Fallopian tubes that are flowers. What's that? We Wait, I mean, it's not a vagina? Sorry.

No, it's more like a cattle head with roses for horns.

Yes. God. I'm sorry.

What do you guys got going on in there?

Where I'm not even doing it? Don't make me do an anatomy lesson because to be honest, I don't even know how it works. I don't even know what's going on down there.

Do you guys know what's going on? You've never done that thing that women are supposed to do to empower themselves, where they get a mirror and they look there and they love themselves and all that whole thing?

Why are you saying it with disdain?

That wasn't disdain. He's saying it with utter horror. Horror.

Have you ever closely examined yourself, your penis?

Well, ours, you could see it all the time. That's true. Sometimes it looks right at you. They're on the outside.

No, there are. There's a lot of things going on with this. I never really examined it, but maybe I should. I'll learn some stuff.

Wait, the pin or your actual undercarriage? Don't say undercarriage.

Don't say undercarriage. My vagina. You can say vagina. It's okay to say it.

I don't know. I'm not sure. Say it. It's vagina. That's what it is.

Why do you You have to shrug your shoulders when you do that? So uncomfortable. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm doing it like Jeff Ross would do. Vagina. Do you want to wear the vagina pin? I'm good. Okay. I'm good. People will think I just spilled some Tomatillo sauce on me. I don't think I'll wear the pin. I'm good. All right. But I think I want women to know I'm in their corner. Just keep that thing away from me. Now, would your mom be okay with you wearing that pin?

I think at this point, they just don't know what to... They can't tell me not to do something.

Just looking at that, would she know it's a vagina? Because it's not...

It's not. It's weird. It's pretty vaginal.

You I think your first instinct is vaggie, but you have to give it a double look. What else could it be? It's got roses on it.

This is a vagina. This is how a vagina looks.

Is it? It's a vagina. I think Okay, weigh in. Have a bunch of men.

Let's get a little men of the room to weigh in.

The flops are there.

Bley has seen two in his lifetime. Bley, weigh in. What was the one I came out of? Passing through. It's like when you're in a train and it's not your station. Oh, my God. There goes New Haven. I think, well, aren't these supposed to be the fallopian tubes of ovaries? So it's not just the vagina, it's the women's reproductive system.

Oh, you were being more like… Yeah, it's the whole thing.

It's all of it. Yeah. Well, why didn't they keep going and have parts of the bladder? Why not just keep going at that point? Why did they put the fallopian tubes in there?

I don't know. They probably want to celebrate that we have the ability to create life, and that makes us special, unlike men who just don't do anything.

Where's the tattoo that says do not enter?

But listen, we do something.

What do you do?

We carry the sacred seed.

Okay. Don't say the same.

We do. Don't stop saying, don't say this and don't say that.

I don't know. But the way you approach this is very awkward.

To say that we do nothing, I think, is absurd. It takes two to tango, as they say. I know. Biologically, yes. Biologically, I think we are for now a necessity.

Yeah, okay. You're right. I do think, obviously, yes, biologically, yes. But then we have to do everything after that. That's a lot.

Well, we do things, too. We're like, Honey, can I get you some tea? Before I go out to the strip club with my pals? Honey, can I prop your feet up? Before I head out and ogle the ladies on the boulevard and eat ham sandwiches with my chums? Yes. I'm just going to say one thing, which is I think it says everything that you have a beautiful pin celebrating women's reproductive organs, and we have truck nuts.

That's true. That is true.

I don't put them on my- Well, in your case, you biologically have truck nuts.

I do.

That was just a gift from God and General Motors.

I have 1963 sob nuts.

They're a little different. Those are cold weather nuts. Those are four-wheel drive, cold weather, European-designed nuts.

They're attractive in a vintage way. Sure.

If you can see these nuts, you're way too close, buddy. Back up.

They drive on the wrong side of the road.

What are those nuts doing over there? This is America.

I don't want to be here.

Listen, I'm sorry. Can I confidently hold this up, please? Yes, I am sorry for the loss of that jacket. I really am. Okay. I really am. I don't think you are. No, I am. I mean, you went through a terrible thing. It was fun making fun of that jacket, and now that it's gone and the way that it went, I'm sad.

You're sad that you don't really get to make fun of it anymore? That's what it is.

I have lost one of the arrows in my quiver. I now have one less thing to attack Sona with. I think that's the greatest tragedy here.

I have so many arrows.

Let's wrap it up.

It's an endless supply of arrows. Another one just popped I don't know for what, but it's there. Don't worry about it. You'll be okay.

Yes, I'll get you to the end of time. Sorry about your loss. My guest today, started in shows like Parks and Recreation and Party Down. Now you can see him in the second season. I am so excited about this. I'm loving the second season. I do honestly think this is one of the most beautifully crafted things on television, the hit Apple TV Series, Severance. So excited he's here today. I celebrate this gentleman. Adam Scott, welcome. Very excited to have you here. Thank you. Because you know I'm a massive fan of your work, but also you as a person. We've had the joy of hanging out a little bit. I could not be happier for you. Oh, thanks. That you are right now at the center of the coolest show on television. Universal acclaim. Everyone's been waiting on the second season. It shows up. It was appointment television for my son, my wife and I. We sat down, loving it. We debate it. It is beautifully made. You're killing it. I'm happy for you.

Thank you, Konan.

Do I wish it were me? Yes, I do.

Sure. Sure, I understand.

Do I feel that maybe there was a chance that I'd get that part?

There was a mix-up of some sort?

Yeah. I know Stiller called me at one point, and I didn't get the call. I couldn't quite pick it up. No, I'm just- That's show business. Yeah. Then he had to go with his second choice. That's right. Adam Scott. What the fuck? Well, whatever. You know what? It ended up working out. No, it is just so artfully done, so beautifully done. So much thought has gone into this. I watched the opening shot of the second season several times.

Oh, really?

Because I'm not giving anything away, but the opening shot of the second season, you are running down this hallway that just doesn't end. There's something about the way it's shot. I don't know what it is. I've watched a lot of film, I've watched a lot of television, and I have never seen anything quite like it. I can't put my finger on what's happening there, but it is an absolutely incredible piece of filmmaking that's the start of a television show.

Yeah, that's all been. First of all, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I listen to the show all the time. And, Konan, you are one of those people who, as you move through show business, you get to know people that you know their work. I'm a fan You are a fan before you get to know them. You are definitely one of those people I still can't believe that I actually know you. I know there are a lot of us who feel that way. That's great. So thank you and thanks for having me.

It may not past.

No, I can already tell it's fading.

I'm starting to forget your name right now.

That's right, which I totally expect based on previous experience.

Every time I've seen you out on the street, I usually ask you, Oh, waiter.

Yes. Can I get some more ice water?

It's a party down confusion. That's right. Yeah. But anyway, I know that Ben takes this really seriously, and it's not just making a TV show. This is a whole other thing. Yeah.

And that's part of what I love about it, is that he's someone who, you know him, he's thinking about all of it. He's thinking about the whole grid at all times. And for me, that lets me relax and the rest of the cast as well. And we can just focus on. Because if you're worried about what it... Yeah, but if you're asking me to do this, but is it going to feel ridiculous? Because that things happening, and we're going 40 miles an hour. If that guy's right here and I'm reacting this way... And sometimes you say that and the director looks at you and it's clear that they haven't thought about any of this, which is fine, too. It's a matter of experience or how different people make different things. But with Ben, he's thinking about the entire thing. He's considered every detail, so we can all just focus on the task at hand.

The sense I get is that Ben is playing three-dimensional chess. Yes. And we're playing Connect 4. Exactly. And you ask him a question, you'll be like, Do not worry. He's seeing his nine-dimensional chess board But looking at the whole span of your career, this is quite a different gig. First of all, I know it took you a while. You paid. Talk about paying your dues. You paid your dues for a long time. It took you a long time to find your footing, catch your break. Then it was really in, I mean, starting out in like background work. Weren't you doing background work?

Yeah, for a Tia Carrera music video. That was one of my many background gigs. That was you? Yeah.

You were the best part.

You guys probably all recognize me when I walked in. Yeah. Guy with beret, I believe, is how they referred to me. For real?

You were wearing a beret, for real?

My own.

I can't find it anywhere. I really have looked. It was fall of '93, and I had a beret, and I thought it was great. I wore all the time, and I definitely wore it to the filming of the Tia Kareer video. I would love to try and find it. I don't even know if I appear.

I have to say, I don't know if you guys do this, and you might do it because this used to be your profession. I look at background people sometimes in scenes. If I don't find the scene particularly riveting, I really do look at the background people. I'm usually impressed. They're in it. They're both not talking at the same time, even though... Then every now and then, there's someone who's just too happy about having a cup of coffee.

Or having a conversation where they're just Take it down a notch.

Or wearing a beret. You're wearing a beret. Anything to get noticed. But then when your breaks start to come, it's very much ensemble work. You are in an ensemble now, but you are the face of the show. There must be something comforting about ensemble work. Clearly, working on something like Party Down, you're just working with these wonderful improvisers. Totally. What a cast.

It's incredible. I'm feeling like you're just ensconced in this... And Parks and Rec, too, just being part of this crew that Amy was really leading But yeah, comforting is a perfect word for it. And it's part of why I was so freaked out when Severance first came out a few years ago. It's like suddenly the billboards went up and it was my face around town, and it really. It should have been this big, happy monumental moment that I've been waiting for for 30 years. But it just freaked me out. And Ben talked me down because he's certainly been through it. Just because at that At this point, we made the show in a bubble and no one had seen it, and we loved it, but had no clue if anyone would like it or if people would just make fun of us. You just don't know at all, other than your own barometer, and we thought it was cool, but man, you have zero sense of how it's going to be received. So it could have been this big embarrassing thing. Anyway, when you're out front, it's frightening and then also, reward rewarding when you're doing something that you feel good about.

Yes.

I've said this for many years, and I don't think most people would understand it. I think the assumption is if you're working on something cool that's going to be iconic, everyone knows it as they're working on it, and that is not the case. I've always said it takes a lot of very talented people working very hard to make something terrible. It's why I get very impatient around Oscar season. There are all these reviews movies, and a lot of them are really brilliant movies, and they'll say, Yeah, but then they really blew it in that one part. I'll be thinking, Do you know how hard it is just to make a movie, let alone a great movie? But there's that one part in the brutalist where they miss the mark a little bit.

People become just film historians when Oscar season comes around. They get very, very persnickety. Yeah, and also all the time Time it takes. I think that was part of why we were also afraid of it landing with a thud is that it was so hard to make and took so long that it would have been a bummer. But anything that comes out and doesn't quite work, people were working on it for a few years. It's always- One thing geeking out about Severance, the visuals, the way it shot, the colors.

There's all this thought going into stuff. The machines they use are broadly out of time. The cars and stuff. The cars are out of time, which leads to all different kinds of theories. But the choices, directing and creating a lot of the time is about choices. And just everything is just a little off in this weird way that I can't quite put my finger on. I find I could watch it with the sound on, and then you could watch it again with the sound off and just look at the colors and what people are wearing and how things are framed in the Katz.

And I think how Ben and Chesca Lee-Ganier, the director of photography, and Jeremy, our production designer, and Kat, our props master, I think the way they visually tell the story, too, you could watch it with the sound off and get the story, too, emotionally. And maybe some of the more mind twisty details wouldn't be there, but you would emotionally get the story. And I think that's really important, too, when you can make something where you can turn the sound off. It's It's like if you listen to your podcast with the sound off, you get it.

You get it. I'm going to tell you something.

You get a little bit more than if you do listen to it with the sound, right?

We recommend that people, when they're driving, turn the sound off, and you'll have a completely superior experience.

I recommend you put on a different podcast.

But keep the sound off on this one. Concurrently, play another one. That's the experience.

It's funny because you've had one of those careers, too, where you popped in different things over the years.

Sona, we all love Step Brothers. You're a Step Brothers fanatic. I love Step Brothers.

I do love it so much.

I've never seen it before. The way you popped in that must have felt like- Oh, yeah.

You've never had one carb.

That's right.

That's the thing I remember most about that movie.

I know that your arc in Parks and Rec was a little strange. When the show started.

Yeah.

There's a story to it.

Well, I started at the end of season 2. I mean, I had an audition for the show originally, but it wasn't even really for a specific role. It was so early that Mike was still me and Rachida read together and blew it and was bummed. And then Party Down came along. So in a way, it worked out well. I was able to do that because I didn't get the Parks pilot, and I'm so glad I was able to do Party Down. Then, weirdly, Mike loved Party Down, and from that, asked me to come and join Park, so it all came around.

Now, this is the inevitable question. Did you ever get to ask Mike, Hey, man, What the fuck? What the fuck? I was here, remember when I auditioned for you? That's just something that... It's so funny because we've had this experience here on this podcast where we're talking to iconic, legendary actors, and when When they bring up the guy who snubbed them, the casting director, Harrison Ford, did it on this podcast, and he was like, The year was 1967. He was still pissed about it. He was still pissed about it. He was pissed.

He was still pissed.

He was still pissed. Terry Sokowski.

Terry Sokowski.

Yeah. Also, Famously, Michael Jordan, when he was accepted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, his speech was all a list. He started listing people who, This guy benched me in fifth grade. Remember that? It's crazy. Josh Killeway. It's his fuel.

Like that documentary, he's constantly bringing it.

It's his fuel, but it does bring up the idea of you're working with someone who- Rejected me. I had this with- Wait, what are you saying?

He should be pissed at Mike Shur? No, no, no.

You know what?

You're right.

Yes.

God damn it.

This is the goal of my podcast.

To dig up old animosities.

Here's a very well-liked… Adam is a very well-liked actor, celebrity, critically acclaimed. His wonderful family. He's happy. He's having this big moment that will I keep going, and all I want to do is get him mad. No, I know.

Fuck. I'm going straight to Mike's house after this.

Ding, ding. Hey, Adam, bang. Hey, Adam, bang. Asshole. Boom.

Fuck You. And then we never speak again.

Then later, he hears the podcast. Oh, I see. Then he rings my belt. Oh, hi, Mike. Just a cavalcade of people punching each other.

And just lost Lawsuits for years.

Lawsuits for years. We're all tied up in the courts.

I never asked him, I think because I was just 100% sure why, which was I blew the... I sucked it, auditioning. I hated it. It was embarrassing, and I was just never very good at it. I didn't walk out of there thinking I was going to get the job anyway.

I had this with Ray Romano. Ray Romano, he wanted to be a monolog writer for my show. Great Great comedian, great joke writer. We didn't have a slot, but he had a good packet and people knew him, so I met with him and sat across. He came into my office, and at the time, I'm like 32 years old. Do you remember him meeting there? Vaguely. He was sitting there, and he was real nervous, and I just said that your stuff is great, but we didn't have an opening. He goes from that experience to maybe a year later getting Everybody Loves Raymond, and then becoming this monolithic TV star. I remember it later on running in there and saying, I was really bummed I didn't get that job.

I'm like, What are you talking about?

Do you realize what we pay monolog writing? Was it me? There wasn't an open, Ray. Ray, hello. Ray. You're Ray Romano. That doesn't happen if you're with me writing, Oh, you know.

You are profoundly wealthy. Yeah, Exactly. Because of your greatness.

You can buy and sell me 35. I don't know, but I think I could have done that.

Are you sure you weren't talking to Bobcat Goldthwait?

No. I was talking to Cookie Monster. Cookies. Anyway, I love people that just get stuck on something like that, and I'm trying to get you stuck on it, but it didn't work out.

Yeah, well, I am now. I'm obsessed. Al Pacino, too. Did he say something about that? You guys had Al Pacino.

Yes. He sat right where you sitting, and he's one of my all time. That was a great interview. Talk about, You can't believe. I couldn't believe that I'm in. I mean, I bumped into him a couple of times. He had always been very sweet to me, knew who I was, would call me, called me over to his table once in a row. I couldn't believe that this guy, of all the space in his brain, there's one cell that knows about me. I couldn't believe it because I'm such a massive fan, but he was sitting here, and yeah, he He was very in touch with no bitterness at all, but very much in touch with the fact that Coppola and the studio really didn't want him. I mean, Coppola wanted him to have the role in the Godfather, but Studio didn't want him. Then for maybe half the shoot of the movie, the studio doesn't like him, and Coppola is like, Yeah, I know. He's not bringing it. He's not bringing it and tells him that. He remembered being called over to Coppola's table at a restaurant, and Coppola didn't even stand up.

Yeah, he didn't ask him to sit down. Didn't ask him to sit down.

He was very much in touch with that and still is. I remembered him saying to me, God, they didn't want me. They didn't want me. I'm like, yes. But then you did get it and you became the face of the- Michael Corleone. Yes. For not one, but two of the greatest films ever made. Then you go on to do all this other iconic work, and it's like, I know, but they He didn't want me. It's just incredible.

Al Pacino.

Al Pacino is sweating stuff out.

Just to think, I listened to his book that he was promoting here, and just him talking about scenes in the Godfather and how he finally convinced them he was right for the role from doing the scene where he shoots the two guys in the restaurant. But just thinking about at one point, there were people just working on that scene and trying to figure out how to do... It's just so weird to think that there was a time before that scene existed and that that scene is because of some decisions that people guessed at and were just figuring it out.

Also, I love, and this has happened before, too. I love the concept that there are crew people going What the fuck is this guy? When they were shooting the opening of The Godfather takes place at the big wedding at Marwyn Brando's estate, and everyone's dancing and having fun, and they cut over to Michael and K, he's really underplaying it. He's just out of the army, and he's explaining who people are. He's, Oh, that's Luca Brozzi. He works for my father. He takes care of me. So what does your father do, Michael? But a Apparently, those dailies came back and the people, I guess it was Paramount, maybe, were like, Who is this droopy noodle of a guy in a big army hat? He's terrible. Like zero charisma. Zero charisma, and he's not being The crew. The crew was like, What's with this guy? Apparently, the other time that happened, you're a graduate. Yeah. Dustin Hoffman is, in the book, The Graduate, the graduate is blonde-haired, blue-eyed. They wanted Robert Redford. That was who it was supposed to be. The big brave decision was, no, it's going to be this little known actor, theater actor, Dustin Hoffmann, who's not a blonde-haired, blue Side kid.

The crew and everyone is like, What the fuck? This guy's mumbling.

Is this the same crew? What about you?

I know. Hey, trust me.

They didn't believe in what they were working on.

This is the crew I had at late night in '93, '94, '95. Because we inherited Dave's. I swear to God, people were like, I don't blame them, but they were like, They had just had David Letterman.

Wait, you had Dave's crew?

Yeah, His Corp, I had some of his cameras because they stayed behind. Dave went to CBS and took some people, but there was a corp, and I don't blame them. There was cable pullers and stuff. David Letterman, after 11 years of reinventing the format and dominating, has now gone on to Greater Heights. They're like, They got this new kid. Here he comes. I come in and I'm like, Hi, everybody. My name's Connie. I Anyway, I like improv. We're going to try some weird stuff. I don't know. I think it's going to be okay. Hey, does anybody... What dries up acne? Does anybody know? I still had acne break out. It occasionally. I'd be like, Does anyone... Because I use this stuff, is there something better? Where are you asking the crew about your acne? I don't know.

These guys- It's out to everyone asking if anyone has any recommendations.

I open the shows with it often. If anyone's out there watching, it just keeps… I think it might be cystic. I don't know. It comes back. But that was the thing that blew my mind was the… I didn't blame them, but there were just... I mean, there were guys on my crew that had worked on Sullivan when the Beatles played there. I would ask them, What was that like? They were guys from Long Island. They'd say stuff like, I don't know. I was mad because it was a Sunday I'm not supposed to work Sunday night. Then they call me because Steve got, I got to come in. I saw him up in there. It was the Beatles. It was the Beatles. I'm like, I don't know that fucking hair. I don't know. Then I'm on the way home and the carburetor blows out. So fuck that shit. I don't get paid over time. You're like, That's their memory. You're like, Great.

This was a really special talk that we just had. Thank you very much.

Historic. On the subject of music, I know that you have You've done many podcasts, music-centric podcasts. You have your obsessions. Rem. You love rem.

Yeah. Because I'm that generation that grew up with that music. They got huge around '87, their first big hit, and I was 14, so it was perfect timing.

My college girlfriend, when I was, I think, a senior, she was so cool. She knew about music. She knew bands before they broke, but I remember her being very cool and saying, Yeah, R-E-M. I'm like, R-E-M? What is that? That's a band? Right. And thinking, great, you like your niche little band that's not going anywhere.

Why did she break up with you? You seemed really cool.

I have no idea about anything you're talking about.

What am I interested in? I think I said to her, Nothing you say is of value to me.

Then she He walks out on me.

What's that all about?

That's so weird that that didn't work. Women. No, there was something mysterious about their name and the way they looked and the music videos they weren't in. It was It was all cool back then.

To this day, a lot of great music. What are your bands? Your bands are R. E. M, You Two.

Yeah, those were like my Beatles and Stones, four I don't know, for my age group or generation or whatever.

Those were the two big- I'm seeing here that you're 77 years old.

77 years old. Yeah, those were the two big ones. Now, looking back, it's like, well, of course, they were both very mainstream, like arena rock bands. I think that's part of what I liked about it, too, just the grandness of it.

What are you watching when you're a kid? What are the shows that mean something to you on TV?

Letterman was a huge one. We I grew up in Santa Cruz, California, which is a hippy beach town. We didn't have a TV in our house. I lived with my mom for a majority of the time, and then went back and forth. But while I was living there, my dad got me this little five-inch black and white TV that I just kept in my room, and I was just glued to it. Without cable television, you have three stations. So I would just watch whatever was on from seven 1: 00 PM or whenever until they went off the air at, what was it, 1: 30 or 2: 00 or whatever. Anyway, Letterman and Different Strokes and whatever network comedies were on. Hour-long drama always felt like two grown up and boring until I got older. Now, you go back and look at our long traumas when we were coming of age and they're just like, pornography bad. Not only are they just weirdly bad, but they show there's so much shoe leather just because they're trying to fill up the 42 minutes.

I'm obsessed with... I've had huge fights. I had a huge fight with Bill Burr, who loves chips. I went after Bill and said, Chips is a piece of shit. He's like, What are you talking about? He's getting crazy on me about how much he loves chips and how much it meant to him. But if you watch those shows now, the editing, I don't know if everyone's on Coke that's making them, but the shots are lazy. The whole point of the show is there's going to be this big meeting. A guy is going to pull up in his car and go talk to someone who's in another car. The car will pull up in some big parking lot 30 feet away, the guy will get out and shut the door and walk 30 feet to the other guy. Totally. No cutting. No. No editing because they're like, Yeah, we can kill some time walking from that giant bad late '70s American car to That's right.

People have no idea how lucky they are with Breaking Bad and the surprise, whatever modern television. We did those credit sequence things, the greatest event. So we had to go and watch-So hilarious. And watch Simon and Simon episodes to find these certain scenes to get context on some of them. Like Bill Bur, my memories of Simon and Simon are one thing. It meant so much to me as a kid. But then diving in and really watching, it's just a whole different. I would challenge Bill Bur to binge chips right now, really see if he can hang in there.

Well, I'm sure I'll be getting a call from him very soon. I just saw him the other day. We had a lovely meal, and now he's going to feel like I betrayed him. But I think we are in TV's golden age. I keep saying that clearly the whole business changed, but what you're describing, and now we sound like the two old men on the Muppet show in the balcony. But you watched what was on, and you had an awareness sometimes, this doesn't seem that good, but it was all there was. There's three networks, and also there's what comes in, meaning what will my reception capture. Yes. Because sometimes it's a good show and you'd go to turn it on and the antenna, I keep moving the antenna around. Yeah, that's right. Just this, I don't know.

It was inconsistent. Some nights, CBS would come in great, and some nights it was just garbage. Right.

Now there's the other problem of I have 7,000 options. Yes, there are some very obvious choices I can make when I know there's a really good documentary out or, Hey, Severance is back, I know what I'm doing. It's appointment television. But then there's so much where people have told me, You've got to watch Gub-Gub Nation. I'm like, What is it? I love Gubb Nation.

You're surrounded by people that love Gub-Gub Nation.

I'm like, What's Gub-Gub We're gum-gubs.

We're just from way back. We're just from the gum heads. What's up, everybody? Season 1, Gubb Heads. Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

I'll say, What is it? They'll be like, Oh, it takes place in an advertising agency. It's British, but you're going to really... Then I'll watch I'm like- You got to hang in for seven.

Seven.

Get to seven. No, you have to. Get to seven because that's when the gub-gubbers show up.

Those gum-gubs walk in. Lights out. We could Because now kids, it's all dependent on... They can watch whatever they want, so it just depends on their taste, what they're going to watch. Back then, like you said, we just watched whatever was on, and that's how we came up with our taste was by watching everything. Thing. It's just a completely... I have no idea what I'm talking about. Never mind. I remember my writing partner, when I came out to LA for the first time, Greg Daniels, of course, the great Greg Daniels.

He and I came out here and we're both 22 years old. There wasn't that much television. There was just, as I said, a couple of networks and a couple of big sitcoms and some traumas. You'd seen everything. There was no such thing as a show that you had never heard of because there aren't that many shows. I remember once, Greg and I are working late, and I think we were over at Sunset Gower Studios, which isn't too far from where we are now. We're these wide-eye 22-year-old guys right out of college. We're working on this show called Not Necessarily the News. But then we're also wandering around because we're like, Wow, this is where they make television. We wandered on to, Oh, my God, this is the set where they make Benson. Whoa. And Benson with Robert Guillaume.

They were still making it?

I think they were still making it, and this would be 1985. I'm seeing an actual, this is the governor's mansion where Benson lives. That's it. All the lights are down. There's a couple of lights on, but there's cloth over things.

They put the sheets over the furniture?

We're wandering in, and Greg and I... It's so funny now, Greg has made so much iconic TV, but I remember very clearly him being like, Wow. I'm like, Yeah. Then we walk in and we get up close and we look and we're looking at the actual vase and table. It's supposed to be a rich governor's mansion, and it looks like shit. It's like... Because-fake. It's all fake, and it's all slapped on fake gold paint. The vase looks like it cost $2. I remember having this revelation of, It's all alive, man. Totally. Vincent's mansion sucks. What is this? Then having that realization over and over and over again whenever I was on a set and sitting down and like, This is the chair where the girls on Facts of Life sit?

Wow. How much time did you get to spend on the Facts of Life set? I know.

I used to go over there a lot, hang out in the chair. That sounds so creepy. The chair. Do you know where the chair is from Facts of Life? Where the ladies sit?

All of them at the same time?

There's that one scene. No, I don't- Which one does Mrs..

Garrett sit in? Just point me in the general direction.

No, but I mean, it's just such a revelation when you got to see. It's It never really changed when you're on a set. The first time that I saw Letterman's show, which so weirdly, but I was in college and I went to New York and saw a live taping of Late Night with David Letterman. That's wild. Having no idea that I would take over that show in that studio and that some of those crew members would be my crew members. I remembered being led in by MBC Pages and sitting down and thinking, What's What's going on? This is really small. Because on television, the perspective is widened and things look big and realizing, Wait a minute, what the fuck? Where Dave is standing doing his monolog, he can reach over and touch Paul Schafer. He could touch him. Whereas on TV, the way they shoot it, it doesn't look that way at all. It looks huge. Studio 6A is, notoriously, it's a small... It was built for radio. It wasn't built for television. That's the magic of it is that it's small. So comedy rockets around the room and bounces off the walls.

And it felt like there was something, it felt exclusive and small. It felt like the audience, they didn't sweeten the audience either, which I don't know if late night shows do that at But they- I wish we did.

We never thought of that.

By the way, I have a story relating to that. I'm wishing your audience was sweetened with a terrible, terrible bit I brought on your show. But as far as the Letterman show goes, there was something just as a fan that felt really... It felt like a clubhouse or something like it was an-Yes. Did they find you in the audience? Did they go back ever and find you on that episode?

I was sitting pretty far back, and I would have to... I Because that's incredible. I got to find that episode, actually. Who was the guest?

Do you remember?

It's a blur. I have a memory of one bit, and I'm going to really have to think about it, but a door slides open and a boxer comes out of the wall. But I bet I could figure out what the episode is. I don't think there's a shot of me in the audience of sitting pretty far back with my friend Maya Williams. And afterwards, Maya knew one of the writers on the show, Steve O'Donnell. Oh, yeah, Steve. And Steve brought us up to the offices, and we're sitting in Steve O'Donnell's tiny office, and I'm sitting there with Maya talking to Steve, and Marl Marco walks by, and a guy in a leather jacket walks by with her carrying a box, and it's Dave Letterman. He just nods at us and keeps moving. If I was a kid, I'd say it was like the President of the United States walk by, but that no longer works. That was the President. Now, I'm sorry, I don't care who's president now in this world. It would be like, That's a president.

It's been so demystified. He cares.

But I'll never forget. I remember the jacket he was wearing. I remembered, and remembered thinking, wow, he gets to have this show. Then the idea that... What is that? That's probably 1983. The idea that 10 years later, I'm hosting that show to this day makes no sense to me, and I think was a mistake. I really do in my heart.

I think it was a fucking- No way.

No, I'm taking it all in. I'm whatever. I'm saying it's a beautiful thing, but it doesn't make any sense.

Did you ever tell Dave that?

It's funny. I don't know that I have. I don't know that I have because I don't know... I mean, not that Dave and I talk that much, only because we don't cross paths much. When we do, I treasure those moments. But from his perspective, it's a story of, I saw you once and you were wearing a leather jacket in a hallway, and I had acne. I asked you, do you have anything that can clear this up?

Do you have anything?

And Will your crew hate me as much as I think they will?

Andrew, do you want to spend your moments with Dave recalling that particular?

I think I will next time.

Yeah, you should. I bet he would get a kick out of it.

He might. I don't know. Or he might have me taken away by his retinue of goons.

What was the story when you were on the bit?

Oh, yeah, you didn't tell us. You did a bit. What happened?

Okay, so this ended up being- I know.

You know what? Go ahead.

It It ended up being one of the most deeply embarrassing moments I've had. It's also confounding to me from beginning to end why I did this. I just had this confidence in this bit and didn't really slow down to think about it before I... Okay, I was promoting Big Little Lies, the second season of Big Little Lies. The bit that I came up with, it's also interesting because it's so bad from so many different angles, and there's nothing about it that works. Nothing.

You know what I love? You so don't want to tell us what it is. I know. You keep qualifying it. I know. Another thing you should know is that the Roman Empire did not have movable type.

When I tell you the basic premise, you're going to be like, why would you do that? Okay, so Big Little Eyes, the way I saw it going is us talking and you being like, wow, Big Little... The cast is amazing. It's like, yeah, no, it's It's all legendary actresses. It's like the traveling Wilburies of legendary actresses. What I had done is I thought that that saying the traveling Wilburies of actresses and equating Big Little Eyes with the traveling Wilburies would be this like, comedy explosion. It is funny. That would...

Well- But then you to go through, for example, I had mocked- Rees is like... Go ahead.

I had mocked up the album cover with, instead of the Traveling Wilburies, the actress's faces on their bodies, and also had gone through for each traveling Wilbury and switched them out for like, Rees is Bob Dylan, Shaline, Nicole Kidman is George Harrison, whatever. I don't remember what it was.

And I had reasons why.

I had reasons why. But first of all, nobody under 50 knows who the fuck the traveling Wilburies are.

This was immediately apparent.

When I said the first line, it's like the traveling Wilberries. I just It was silent.

You could hear the air condenser.

Literally. But also I came to learn that those over 50 who do remember the Traveling Wilburies don't give a fuck.

I may be your one demographic for this. Why weren't you there?

I was at a Traveling Wilburies concert. I say it, silence, show the record cover, silent. Right. Then I start going through each member of the band. Yeah, you sure did. The crazy thing is, is I was so sure that this was going to create a tidal wave of comedy that you and I would just be able to surf through each member of the band that I never came up with actual jokes for each one. I just had these little like, Oh, she was in Days of Thunder, so she's Bob Dylan, thinking it would just be so crackly, and you and Andy would be like, oh.

It would take on this life of its own, and it's like nuclear fission or fusion. It's just going to... Yes. Monucle is going to be bouncing off each other, and the rest will take care of itself. That's right.

We'll be fine.

But like you in the Letterman Theater, here we are 10 years later, and look at the gold it's giving us.

No, no. And this is the perfect place to discuss this because it's anatomy of... You are not alone. I've had many prominent people come up to me over the years and say, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'll say what? They'll say, Oh, in 1998, I came on and I tried this thing and I bombed so hard, and I don't remember. Yours, I remember. I woke up every morning thinking about it, and my wife is like, What happened? Is it the Wilbury? Is it the Adam Scott Wilbury's bit? I'm like, It is. It is. She's like, You're not there anymore. It's over. It's over. You're safe. You're with me. We get a cold cloth. It was so long. But what I remember about that moment is a lot of other people would have bailed, and you clearly were like, No, I made my bed, and I'm seeing this through to the end. I think at the end, you say something like, And that is why. People can look it up now, which is the beauty, but no.

No. Because after the show, I remember talking to Andy backstage and being like, How could I have thought that was something? That was nothing. We begged you guys not to air it. I think the reaction was like, Oh, please, can we? Oh, no. Of course, we're not going to air that. I don't think it airs.

It exists somewhere, and I've got to find it.

Did you help him out at all, or were you just sitting there just watching what happened?

I think I tried. I do have the reputation of trying to help. I know.

That's why I'm asking.

But at a certain point, I saw nine sharks chomping away at Adam Scott and blood just and gore filling the water, and I decided to get back on the boat.

That sounds like you.

I removed my foot from the water and got into the boat. Then because I saw, he's lost too much, it's over.

I had no legs. What are you going to do? I can't swim with you to the boat.

At the end of the episode, we did cut it out, but at the end of the episode, you went from telling a good story to just being a head.

That's right. Just floating like, Where are you going?

A head sitting on a chair.

I still haven't done Roy Orbison.

We never did get to Roy Orbison. Yeah. Well, you know why it's funny now? Because it's funny now because you're just... Things could not be going better for you. You're in this show where you get to, in every way, show the power you have and the range you have. Yes, they could have found someone else to do and I think I could have done it.

That much is clear.

I think if you take one thing from this episode is I know how to have my face change a little bit in an elevator. I've done it before. They wouldn't need special effects. I can just do it. That saves $600.

We don't use special effects, but fine. Yes, you could do it.

Oh, I know you guys do something. No, I couldn't be happier for you because you're just a great guy and you deserve all this.

Well, It means so much. So thank you very much. You have incredible taste, obviously.

Well, no, clearly look around you. Look at these people.

Gorgeous and hilarious.

I know you're a busy guy, and thank you so much for being here. Let's break bread someday soon. You know what I want? I want to get Bill Burr involved. You and I both go at him about chips.

Yes. Okay? I promise you he hasn't seen it since 1987. There's no way. He's just saying he loves chips.

All right, take care.

All right.

Thanks, Everbill. Do you guys remember back in the early days of this podcast, we did a few drawing contests?

I do.

The ones where I won.

What?

I won.

Did you win both? We did at least two.

No, I really lost both of them. Did you? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did.

Okay. Well, I went back and I found... You guys might remember this from your childhoods. I think especially you will. Do you remember these advertisements for drawing contests? Yes.

They were on the back of... I think they were on the back of matchbooks.

Yeah, and comic books. They were also, I think, TV commercials. Basically, you would draw one of these, send it in, and they would assess if you had any talent, and then you could take their trade school. It was all a scam, basically. Was it a scam? I think it was. I think it was the Barbisan modeling schools. They'll take anybody just to get the money out of them.

There used to be these ads, speaking of scams, on the back of comic books that would say things akin to, If you clip this out and you include a dollar fifty, we'll send you a hovercraft to your home. Definitely Or there was one that was a submarine, a working submarine. So send us a dollar fifty. And I always was curious, do you get something in the mail? That's a good question. And what is it? And how could it be anything close to a submarine? I mean, I would love someone out there to find out what did you actually get in the late '60s and early '70s if you cut out the coupon that said you get a submarine.

Wasn't it a kit, though? I thought it was like they send you a fan with a motor, and then you have to build an innertube around it or something.

Maybe, but still, I remember the price being absurdly low, and the drawing was very deceptive. It showed basically a German U-boat, pralling the North Atlantic. I would love to know what did you get? I'm sure it would be very disappointing, but the fact that you got anything that might approximate the foundation of a submarine for a dollar fifty.

Our guys are on it. Let's do this drawing contest, and maybe by the end we'll have an answer. All right, what's the plan here? Okay, so you get to choose one, and I'm going to give you guys five minutes in real time. It'll be edited down by the time we listen.

Do we each choose a different character?

I guess you should choose separately.

There's Tiffy, who looks to be a Tortoise in a turtle neck. Well, that makes sense. Turtle neck, sweater.

Oh, that's cute.

It's just a neck sweater. Exactly.

He just calls it, This is my sweater. This is my me-sweater, my me-neck, as opposed to a V- neck. Then there's a pirate, clearly. No idea why pirates always have an eye patch. That'll get worked out later on. I could tell you. Oh, yeah?

What's that? They always say it's because they lost an eye, but it's because they'd be below deck and they have to... When they're above deck in the sun and they have to go below deck, they don't need time to adjust their sight, so they open their eye patch and they can see it. Very good.

Very nice. That's good to know. Then there's Tiny who is either... Now, this is a little confusing. Could be a little kitten.

I think it's a mouse.

It's a mouse. You're right. It's a mouse because of the ears.

He's wearing a party hat.

They have both eyes. What? The pirates have both eyes and they're both functioning? Yes. That is crazy.

Yeah, they wear the eye patch so that they can- Why are you saying this like you knew it this whole time?

Also, I don't even know if that's true.

I'm telling you, I heard it from a guy. I heard it from a guy and not too long ago.

Okay. All right. Somebody pick a number between 1 and 10, Konan.

Oh, my God. Why does everything have to be complicated? Five. Sona. Six.

The number was four. So, Konan, you get to pick first.

Okay. Well, I guess there's no getting around it. I'm going to be the pirate.

Okay, Sona, what would you like?

I'll do Tiffy, the turtle.

Okay. All right.

Mine's going to be awful.

Let's get to it. Ready?

All right, let's do it. One, two, three, go. Five minutes. We'll make it three minutes. You have three minutes. Okay. Oh, my God. That's an abomination.

Shut your stupid mouth. I can tell you're concentrating because your lips are moving.

One minute has lapsed. You have two minutes left, and you're actually done. I don't know if I got the time right on this.

It's so bad. You're not giving us a lot of time for this. I'll tell you that much. That's the point.

It's the pressure.

How much time do I have left?

You got plenty of time.

Good, because I need more time.

We're going to knock a minute off. You've got 30 seconds.

No, don't do that.

I'm almost done.

That's not it. I want it to be somewhat...

Oh, yeah. This has got to be above board.

No, I want it to be somewhat decent. I take some pride in my drawing.

I don't. I'm okay with it being done now.

But keep in mind, it's not just technical ability. It's that certain aspect of a life. It's the je ne sais pas. It's the je ne sais pas. So, Sona, you could take it on just having more life. Jackson Pollack, he did his paintings. It was about the experience, not the result.

Yeah, he died in a drunk driving crash.

Look at Tiffy's head is real flat.

Matt, why are you drawing?

I just didn't. I assumed it was down to them. All right, I'll get in there.

No, it's too late. Well, it's too late. Yeah, we're not waiting for that shit.

Is there the pens I like using?

It's your pen's fault.

I'll sign mine. I'm an obsession. She's done.

Why is everything a she? Just give me the money. Giving you a jacket. You don't deserve any more than that. I can't believe that jacket went up. I can't believe the fire didn't recoil when I saw the fire.

The fire would recoil.

Let's get out of here, guys. That thing's ugly.

Three, two.

Hold it. One. All right, what do we do? We show our...

Yeah, put them in the center here. Then Adam, Eduardo, get to adjudicate.

I I think you guys should give some points for speed because I did mine really fast.

Well, I'll just say I did mine in a quarter of the time of anybody else. If we're doing speed- You go and you illustrate with your mom.

Can we pass it? Mine's also the biggest.

Now, is this American idol style, where we each go through and say what we thought of each one?

Or do we just give it-Yeah, but make it brief because we don't have a lot of time. Make it brief. Okay, great.

Adam, you want to start? I think the pirate is fantastic, actually. It's really accurate.

Nose is maybe a bit off, but otherwise, it's really pretty good.

I like to improve people as I go.

Pirate looks like Randy Macho Man Savage.

It does.

That's how I was drawing. A little small for my liking, ratio to the page here, but otherwise, very well.

I like that. You're a firm judge.

I think this is fantastic. I think the earring is a little too prominent here, but otherwise, great. It's It evokes the same emotion I feel when I look at the original drawing of the pirate. Isn't that what art's all about?

The turtle, Sona, that's you.

I actually love the scale.

Things went awry with the eye area. But I actually like it. I think it's more interpretive, which I like. You're not just trying to do a perfect facsimile.

It's a nice interpretation, and I like it. I think it's-Yeah. I think my true... I'm like a forger. I'm trying to pass this off as a forgery.

I really like this one here. I feel like I want to color it in. Okay. I really appreciate. I would be proud to put this on a refrigerator. So, yeah, this is going your way.

I know. I agree.

Simple, clean lines, excellent execution.

I think it's fantastic. Also, I don't know, was the pirate signed? Was there a signature on that one? No. No signature. Although signature here, so the artist clearly stands behind their work.

She was pride.

Yeah. The artist stands behind their work. Well, also, I was copying something else. I didn't want to get the reputation of someone who steals, so I didn't want to do it. The original artist, whoever they are, it's really their work, and I give it up for them.

This is Miffy, my turtle. He's different than Tiffy.

I think you've got Tipsy, the turtle.

All right, and then the mouse. I would say, Matt, you get credit because you were handicapped with time.

You rushed it, and considering the rush, it's really nice.

It It looks a little stretched, I would say. It's horizontally stretched. Yeah, it looks like it was put on a projector at a different angle.

It's true. It's just this tiny has a really large brain. But really good, especially considering how quickly you did it.

I don't know. They're all very different. I don't know how you choose a winner. Who's the winner?

He's already angling for defeat.

No, not. I know who the winner should be. I'm just impressed with how quickly you did this.

This was like 60 seconds worth of drive.

Just a mouth of a hat. Yeah, I like it. Let's not get crazy. Can you believe he rendered a mouth of a hat in 60 seconds? Honestly- Now we're in the annals of man. Less time and effortless lines has a phone spin on it. He gets points for forgetting to do the assignment. I didn't think I was going to do it. I was just giving it to you guys. I don't think that should factor in. If I enter a marathon late, you know what I mean, and manage to get a mile in, I don't think you guys would be, whoa. But he finished. He showed up late in a cab. He finished. But I will say it does look a little squashed. But yeah, a lot of personality there. A lot of personality. Well, who's the Can we just leave it up to the fans to vote? I guess the fans will vote. Let's put it on social media. Why don't we put it on Instagram? Social media.

Go to Team Coco podcast on Instagram. Are we still on the vast hellscape of Twitter X? Let's just send people to Instagram.

Let's do that.

Yeah, that's good. All right, we'll see what happens.

This is pretty exciting.

It wouldn't be a drawing contest without Abject Hatred for the Game.

I did find a submarine just for- Good, good, good. Let's see it. I want to see this. Look at that.

6. 98.

6. 98. It says, Fires, Rockets, and Torpetos, over seven feet long, big enough for two kids. Now, that's what they're showing. Now, when I was a kid, I lost my shit over this thing. I was like, Wait a minute. This is incredible. I want to know, what was the company? Did anyone in America purchase this thing? And what did you, in fact, to get.

Because down on the side, they're showing people inside the cockpit of this thing.

It says, Over seven feet long, seats two kids, controls that work. Oh, wait, I think I remember what it is. Rockets in fire, real periscope, firing periscope. You know what this is?

You know what this is? You know what this is? You know what this is? You know what the Hovercraft? It's a on how to build it, if I'm not mistaken. And there's somewhere in the fun- You know what?

We need to find out. We need to find out because this haunted my childhood. This is up there with the Uncle Sam Halloween mask. I must find out. Someone, Please out there, the Polaris nuclear sub for $6. 98. Plus $0.

75 shipping charges. Yeah, we got to find out more about this. Okay, to be continued.

All right.

Conan O'Brien needs a With Konan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and nick Leal. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm. Com/konan. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded..