Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Graduation New

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rogers and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

Today we have crazy graduation stories. It's that time of year.

It is. Happy graduation. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations, graduates.

Yes.

Are you starting to see people around town in there having their hats and gowns? Fun Saturday lunches because the family's in town. I know, it's so fun.

It is fun.

You're—

one of your children is graduating.

Yeah, I mean, they do a graduation now for every single grade.

Well, this is a big one, out of elementary into middle school.

I mean, they didn't do anything for us. Did you have a graduation?

Yeah, we had to sing.

We sang, um, When the Saints Come Marching In?

No, what's I Believe I Can Fly?

I believe I can fly.

That's right, we sang that.

You're gonna hit me with something? No, I can believe I can touch the sky.

That's—

think about you every night and day.

Yeah, maybe about it, but yeah, every now and then, I think, if I remember correctly, when I was in 5th grade.

Please enjoy Crazy Graduation Stories.

Hi, can you hear me beautifully?

Where are you at?

I'm in DC.

What line of work are you in?

I work for a nonprofit.

Oh, okay. And how's it going? Are you moving the needle?

Maybe a little bit. I've only been here since October. I was in a lobbying firm, so it was quite the switch.

Why were you going out and wining and dining politicians and urging them to—

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh my God.

It was a lot of fun, but, you know, it kind of takes a toll.

I bet.

What does it take a toll on? Because you're burning the candle at both ends or ethically you feel compromised?

It's a little It's a lot of going out.

I'd be great at that.

You would.

Yeah, actually, no, I like to be in bed by 7.

Okay, so you have a crazy graduation story.

Yes, I'll go with the name Patricia. I don't want to get anybody in trouble. It's also my drunk alter ego name, so it felt fitting.

Okay, great. Where are you from originally?

I'm from Virginia.

Oh, okay, great.

So my girlfriend and I at the time, we decided to have our graduation party joint at a brewery that was about an hour away from our school because her parents happened to know the owners.

Your college graduation?

College graduation. Yes. 2021. So we go, we get there. I, for some reason, scheduled a job interview at the same exact time as our party. So I show up, I'm wearing my blazer over my party outfit. I go into the taproom, I take my interview. Everybody else is partying, having a great time.

Oh, 'cause it's on Zoom.

Yeah. COVID, post-COVID. So I had applied to so many jobs. So I was like, if I can get an interview, I've gotta take it. Yeah. So I have this interview, I crush it. I'm feeling so good. I'm like, gonna get a beer. I'm gonna go outside, join all my friends, like, it's gonna be awesome. So we go out there, we have a great party, gifts, and we do all the stuff. Cornhole.

Yeah.

We're drinking, we're having so much fun. And I look over and I see this gator. And Monica, you might not know what a gator is.

Oh, I do.

Not an alligator. The driving.

Yep. My friend had one.

Yeah. Like a little six-wheeler.

And so I see it and I'm like, I gotta drive this thing.

For sure. A couple beers in. Yeah. Yeah.

My girlfriend's parents know the owners and I'm like, hey, Can I please just take this for a spin? And so I convinced them to let me take it for a spin. I convinced like 4 or 5 of my friends to get on it with me.

Did anyone give you a how-to on how to operate it?

I don't need a how-to. I've been—

so sorry. Yeah, okay, my apologies.

I'm like, we gotta do this. So we get on, we go down this big hill, and then there's a river and a lot of land at the bottom. We get down there, I've got like 3 people in the back. Couple people in the front seat with me. I'm having fun. I'm going to show off a little bit.

Yeah, you sure are.

So I'm going to do some donuts. And so I turn it real hard and I just gun it. And of course, it flips.

Of course. Of course.

And you got chock full of passengers.

I jump off. I got my fight or flight. Uh-uh. A couple people in the back, they fall over. I look around. The Gator has landed on top of my girlfriend.

Oh.

Oh.

Keep in mind, her whole family is there. We haven't been dating that long, a couple months. My other friend's in the back. They're kind of beat up, but it's not too bad. People start running over. They have to lift the gator off of her.

Oh, this is the nightmare.

I look at her and it's like this color that I've never seen in her face. She's not crying. It's just like white mixed with yellow.

Ah!

I can only describe it like you just know there's bones that are broken. And so immediately my stomach just drops. And so they get her in the gator and they drive her back up to go to the urgent care. And I'm sitting there just taking it all in. I get up to the top of the hill. Her mom gives me this look like, "You really did it this time." Oh no.

Yeah, yeah.

Did they think you were a bad influence already? Yeah.

I mean, who does this?

You know?

Turns out you kind of maybe did need a little precursor.

Yeah.

Yeah, like maybe you did need a little, "Hey, just reminder, these flip easy." Yep.

Yeah.

Hindsight's 20/20.

So—

We get to urgent care and, you know, we get her checked in. She wants nothing to do with me at this point. So I sit in the car with my friend. We're looking around. We're like, this is gonna be a while. So we found some Jell-O shots, those like pre-made ones that are pre-packaged in the car. We take at least one of those. We're like, this is gonna take the edge off. You know, it's been a really tough day.

Sure, sure.

It ends up my girlfriend has a broken wrist and a broken ankle and we have graduation like 2 days. And so she had to walk across the stage with a boot. With a cast on her arm and a mask because it was COVID.

Oh, so she looked—

she looked like she fell out of a skyscraper or something.

But I do have to say, we got married in September, so it did all work out.

Oh, I thought you definitely broke up.

Oh, you thought because of the Jell-O shots?

Yeah, like, you can't even not drink right now after you basically killed me.

Well, that's all the more reason you really need drinking at that point. You feel terrible.

I know.

Shame.

Yeah, if you fucked her up She does most of the driving.

Okay, good.

I'm so cautious about it. I really learned my lesson and I was so embarrassed and my friends love to bring it up.

That's what they're there for.

I know, but it all worked out and her mom loves me.

Oh, good. Well, lovely meeting you.

Yeah.

Thank you guys so much. I was really nervous, but—

Oh, you were great.

It was great to meet you guys.

All right.

Take care.

All right. Thank you.

Bye.

My friend Kim had a gator.

Okay.

And she had a lot of money.

Okay.

Um, and we would go to her big, big house and ride around in her Gator on the yard. Yeah. And in the neighborhood, it was really fun.

Were you ever nervous she was going to crash you?

No, she was very responsible.

She wasn't a daredevil. My kids are, you know, I watch them drive the golf cart and it's an interesting experience for me because I'm like, well, I know they're like me, so this thing's gonna end up on its side at some point, you know. And that's just, that's just how life goes. Yeah. But then if it's on their bodies, then we gotta go to urgent care and we gotta wear a boot. But we'll live.

And a cast.

And a mask.

And a mask. Yeah. For fun.

But what else are you gonna do?

Yeah, I know.

Everyone's allowed to learn their lesson. My Pippi used to tell me this allegory, if that's what it's called. He said that life is like driving up a mountain and it's a twisty road that goes around the mountain in concentric rings. It gets tighter as you go up the hill. And so your first lap around, you go pretty fast, you know, you don't really know better. And you say to yourself, I'm going to go a little slower. I barely made it. But when you get on that next ring, it's a little tighter as you get older.

Okay.

And so even though you slowed down, you find out a little too fast for that too. And then so the next ring you go up, you're like, I'm going to go even slower. But it got tighter again. And that's life. That's the process of life, I guess, for a male.

Interesting. Like, you're just constantly adjusting.

Well, because your responsibilities are going up and the stakes are getting higher as you get older, and you can't go as fast. You have to keep going slower and slower and slower because it tightens.

You have to be more and more responsible for the—

okay.

And probably a really good man notices the pattern of, oh, it's getting tighter every year, so I gotta double compensate. Yes, that's the art of life, because you do want to go as as fast as the road will permit, right?

Otherwise you get run over or hit.

Just, you just try to maximize.

Oh, just for fun.

But you don't want to go off the side.

No, you don't.

You want to be right on that edge.

Wow.

Pippi.

Pippi had a lot of wisdom.

That's nice.

And a lot of shortcomings too, you know. Well, yeah, he had short man complex, I think. Oh my God, I want to get into it. He was French. It was a mix, double whammy. Very French and identified as being very French, like thought of himself as French.

Oh, that's the—

well, we called him Pippi. And this motherfucker wasn't French, and he was insisting that we call my grandma Mimi, but she, she wasn't up for it, so that never stuck. So it was Pippi and Grandma. He wanted to be Pippi and Mimi.

I know, but so Pippi is what they call a French grandpa.

That's what a French man—

but he wasn't French.

He was by ethnicity, but it's not like he came from France. Like, yeah, and his parents didn't come from France. He was like 80th generation, you know?

Right.

Took a lot of pride in the LeBows.

Did he call his grandpa Pippi?

Oh, well then that makes sense.

You I don't want to be calling him—

yeah, but to say that you got to call my Belgium grandma Mimi, although maybe they speak French in Belgium.

Maybe he just thought that was cute, and she obviously didn't give a fuck.

And he was tiny, and it didn't work, which is the best part, because we never called Grandma Midge.

Yeah, so you didn't really just call her Grandma, you called her Grandma Midge.

Always Grandma Midge. Yeah, never Grandma. And to remind everyone, Midge was her replacement name because she thought Madeleine was an old lady's name, but Midge was really youthful.

It's really cute. Is she still with us?

No.

When did she pass?

Just a couple years ago.

I don't think you told me.

I'm sorry. Grandma Midge has passed.

That's really sad, actually.

You know, don't make me mourn right now. Oh, okay.

I'm sorry.

I would have texted your mom.

Might have been 5 years ago. I don't know. Oh my God, I lost track with her. Hi, is this Olivia?

This is her.

I was just scaring Monica with stories of my grandma.

I learned a really sad thing that Dax's grandma died like 5 years ago.

Yeah, years ago. And she's a little upset right now. I hadn't told her.

Well, that's a big thing.

That is a big thing to not share.

Did you go to the funeral? You didn't. I would have known that.

No, I didn't. Stop running me over the coals here.

I'm not.

I'm just— I loved my grandma and I was a good grandson.

I know.

I did not go to the funeral. I don't even know if there was one. Okay. All the kids were spread out.

You weren't even invited.

I might not have been invited.

Okay.

The point is I loved her and I was a great grandson. You were.

You were. I'm not taking that away. Well, you were kind of a bad one because you didn't tell any of your friends that she died. I didn't want to make anyone sad.

Listen, Again, Olivia, if I saddled up to a woman at a bar and I was like, hi, I'm Dax, are you staying at the hotel? And she said, yeah, I'm Midge.

Oh, I'd be like, this is you trying to prove you're a good grandson.

My God, you're a little old for me.

Yeah, you look 40, but your name is a thousand. Okay, sorry you got ensnared in that. Where are you at?

I am currently in Iowa visiting my family. Speaking of grandparents, I'm here for my grandpa's 95th 5th birthday.

That's wonderful.

That is— that's like so Sam scripted. Yeah, happy birthday, Grandpa.

Also congrats to you on those genetics.

Yes, he's like very healthy too. So yeah, fingers crossed. But I live in Chicago, so Rob, shout out. I live in Wicker Park, right next to where I lived in Bucktown.

I have to say, Rob, he's lived everywhere. Yeah, every time people say where they live in Chicago, he's like, that's by me, guys, where I live.

Chicago's that big. It's not like LA. Also, this is the same for Michigan. Like, I was in Milford, Highland, Walled Lake, Dearborn, and Detroit.

I know, but all you guys just act like you're right by where it is and you're not.

I will say Bucktown and Wicker Park are connected, so in this instance I lived in Wicker Park at one point too, in the stadium. Yes.

Okay, you have a crazy graduation story.

I do. So to set the stage, I am in a master's program at the University University of Illinois at Chicago, 2021.

What's the graduate degree in? I must know.

You know, I was a little worried you'd ask this actually, because it's weird. It was half medical, half design. It was called biomedical visualization.

Ooh. Wow.

One of the easiest things to think about is, you know, during COVID when that image of the virus, the like red one with the spiky balls came out. That was made by somebody who went to school where I did.

Oh, oh, interesting.

Okay, so they can make artist renderings of biological things.

My first job outside of grad school, I worked for a company that did surgical simulations to like teach doctors how to operate before they're doing it on a person. And then I also did it for like an e-learning anatomy company.

So niche.

You could come to LA and do previs probably.

Oh, what's that?

So when you're gonna do a complicated, really expensive action sequence, quite often they'll build the whole model digitally so everyone can watch it and get their sense of where they'll be in time and space. So that door is open to you in case you want.

Okay, I don't know that I'll be moving to LA, but yeah, I'm in grad school and I am just very depressed. I'm just straight up not having a good time. I'm really going through it, and there's just like a combo of things going on, and I'm Won't get into detail there, but I, in my head, I'm thinking, okay, graduating school, that's gonna fix all of my problems. I just have to get to May 7th and then everything will be better. To keep this forefront of my mind, next to my desk I have a sticky note and it says XX days until May 7th. And so every single day I'm going, I'm erasing the number, I'm going, okay, 302 days left. Okay, 301 days left.

Oh, so you started a while. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yes. You're like a prisoner.

Like pretty much a full year in advance.

Yeah, okay.

But I'm like, okay, I can do this. Graduation finally arrives. My family comes to town and everything's going well. It's a really great day. I'm feeling good. My life's going to be better from here. Things are really looking up. It was raining that day, but who cares? Like, everything's great. And we go out to dinner with my friends and my family who'd come to town. My friends and I go out to drinks after dinner. And while we're out at drinks, my sister calls my fiancé and says, Hey, Mom's in the ambulance. I need you to come here ASAP.

Boom.

Oof. They'd just gone to the hotel, and they were walking from the parking lot into the hotel, and it was raining that day. And it was dark after dinner. And my mom accidentally stepped off of the sidewalk into some grass and did a full frontal split.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

That was really bad in itself.

Oh my God.

Late age splits.

And she also has an artificial hip.

Uh-oh.

Boy.

Oh boy. Oh.

Big double whammy there. And we find out later on that what happened when she does go into that full frontal split is the cup that holds the joint of your ball cracked, and so it completely came out.

Oh, so her leg is out of the socket.

Oh yes, it's like a Barbie. I just imagine a—

she's a Barbie. Yeah, she's a disfigured Barbie.

Oh, so she's taken by ambulance and she's taken to a hospital that's pretty well known in Chicago for not being the best at all.

Okay, what kind of— like the pit?

Lots of things happened. I don't wanna bore you with every single thing that happened in the time we're at the hospital, but to give a few highlights. One, they really drugged her up when we got there. So she was out of it the entire time we were in the hospital with her, like loopy, out of her mind. One especially spooky moment was at 3:00 AM. She was like really high on ketamine and was like in a different voice and screaming and laughing all at once. And we were like, what is going on? And what they used to give her the drugs, the needles and stuff like that, they left all over the bed around her.

Oh, what?

Which we found out like once I made it to the ER and I'm like, "What is all of this?" And my sister and I had to clean that up. Also, after they moved her out of the ER into the other part of the hospital, they just decided not to tell us where they're bringing her. And so for hours we're trying to find out where she is. Some people are like, "Oh, she's not even a patient here." here. It's a big mess.

She's undoubtedly in a hallway waiting for a bed to open up.

Yeah, exactly.

But then as we're looking around, suddenly I just get a call from a surgeon at the hospital. And since I am her medical proxy, he was like, we're taking her into surgery right now and I just need you to say okay. And I'm like, okay, if she needs it, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A very long 24 hours short, she got out of surgery. The surgeon told me she was stable enough to get back home to Iowa. It wasn't fully fixed, but it was like good enough to like get her back home. And from there we had to get a wheelchair to get her out of the hospital. So you're thinking, okay, hospital, great, give us the wheelchair, we will take it. We are dying to leave here. And they say, oh no, no, you need to get your own wheelchair. That's something I never knew was a thing about hospitals. And so we're scouring Facebook Marketplace, we're asking any friends and family, we're looking all over the internet.

I'd imagine people, they buy a wheelchair and then they don't need it. I would imagine that the free section in the paper would contain tons of wheelchairs.

It should.

Facebook Marketplace, that isn't allowed on there because it's a medical thing.

Oh, you gotta go to Craigslist.

We end up finding like a really sketchy website. We call up the guy, he's like, okay, I can come drop it off in an hour. He comes in his van, he drops it off. We're like, great, let's get the hell out of here. We do. And now my mom lives back here in Iowa where I'm visiting right now. And luckily I just graduated. I had some open time. So I go ahead and drive her back home. She's laying in the backseat, her legs like tied together basically.

Oh my God. This is horrible.

We make it back to Iowa. The next day we go to her original hip surgeon and he like takes a look. He's like, nope, everything looks good. Don't need to do anything else. I was like, well, the other surgeon said it's not all good. And he's like, nope, it's fine. And so 2 weeks later is my wedding.

Oh.

So fast forwarding through that 2 weeks of caring for my mom, doing last minute wedding prep because I pushed a lot of stuff off because I was working on graduating. Get to my wedding day. My mom was doing good. She was actually like walking a lot better and we were doing like the cute mom-daughter thing of I'm putting on my dress. She's like buttoning it up and then we are about to do first looks. Suddenly she falls over and she's like holding a mimosa, splashes it all over my dress that I just put on, and is in a ton of pain.

I guess.

Ah, okay, hold on, pause for a moment.

This is horrible.

I mean, again, this is so flimsy and generic, but from the outside you could go, mom's really having a hard time letting go of daughter. It's like the graduation symbol. She goes down.

Are you suggesting Munchausen's?

And then, and then the marriages today. Not even that she would be aware of it, but the way the body— aren't in much care of yourself. Yeah.

Wow.

Anyways, okay, that's just worth noting.

I actually gave birth a year ago, and we were joking about that. We're like, oh Mom, like, be careful. We're at the point where we can joke now.

Yeah, maybe it's best you just stay in bed, Mom. Okay, so she pitches her mimosa all over you, she hits the Like, fuck, Mom.

So she's like, I can get up, I can get up. We're like, okay. She's like trying to get up and she cannot get up. My aunt and uncle take her to the emergency room. Oh my God, this is like devastating on multiple fronts. Of course I want my mom to be at my wedding too. I really wanted her as well as my dad to walk me down the aisle. That was something that was super important to me. And then another thing is my sister was actually going to be singing during the ceremony. She had like learned to play the ukulele and she was going to surprise me and like play the ukulele while she sang the song. So my mom's in the ER. She's like going like absolutely ballistic. She's devastated. She's distraught. She's like asking the physician, like, can you just get me out of here? It's my daughter's wedding day. And she's like going on and on about my sister's song. For some reason, she's got to see it. My other daughter is playing the ukulele. So I got to go. 5 minutes later, the physician comes back in with the ukulele and plays that exact song for her.

What? This is an Iowa doctor. Yeah, this is a different one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That just made me feel grossed out.

I don't know why.

Like, this early, I hated it. I don't know why.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, it made me like sob. I was like, someone's taking care of her and was making her have like a good But I guess my thought is the point—

you just don't trust doctors who can play ukulele.

No, no, no, no, no, no. The point wasn't that she wanted to hear a song on the ukulele, is that she wanted to see her daughter play at her other daughter's wedding. This doctor—

well, clearly that's what it was.

Made it about him.

Let me try to—

no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

He was trying to go like, well, let me give you the next best thing.

I know, I just like—

I don't know why I said it. Yeah, I appreciate your honesty. Yeah, I don't think you trust doctors who play ukulele. I think if you dig deeper, that's what this is about.

Maybe there's something.

Yeah, it's like, wait, why you gotta know how to play with his fingers?

Like, maybe that translates.

I know, it's like, you shouldn't have time.

I just don't understand how there was a ukulele at the hospital already.

He's probably wooing nurses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're getting me there.

The nurse was in the room like holding the sheet music for him on an iPad. They'd like looked it up.

I still like it.

My mom actually ended up being able to make it to the wedding. They like got it in place enough. We just pushed back the ceremony a little bit and then she was able to still walk me down the aisle.

Did you have to buy a second wheelchair or how did she get around?

We had that one still.

Okay, so Olivia, I have some thoughts about this whole chain of events. I'm worried about how ambitious your scheduling is.

Yes.

The notion that you scheduled your wedding 2 weeks after graduation.

I didn't want to say it.

Seems a little bit of—

But I thought the same. But I think it's because you're like, I got to be done with college and I got to start my life and starting my life means I'm getting married, I'm gonna be done with this. Why was it so bad, the college?

Oh, it was like a lot of personal things, and then we were in college during COVID I'm just sitting alone at my desk and like up all night like alone and like kind of going a little bit loopy by myself. But yeah, the wedding 2 weeks after, would not recommend to anybody. I think I was just like, let's just get it done, then I don't have to worry about things anymore.

But this is none of my business, but I will say I'm old enough now, it's like, unfortunately, that is how we march through life. It's like, get to this, get to that thing. And then you, you don't realize, no, that's life. Yes, you're missing it, trying to speed to this next thing. It's so human.

The one last thing I wanted to say was that sticky note creeps me out now, that I was like counting down the days until this like bad thing happened. Yeah, all the time I'll say to my husband, like, I just like hate thinking about that sticky note. It's like a doomsday clock I had for myself. And he's like, you're thinking way too much into it. Like, it's It's not that big a deal.

The more people we interview, it's like the mind's capable of these crazy things we don't understand. Oh my God, right, right. Like manifesting weird stuff. And yeah, yeah, there's some spooky going on.

It's unreasonable to think— I mean, we've all done this, but like, as soon as this is over, everything's better. And it's kind of just the world telling you that's not how it works.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think too, we, Olivia, live in a city that is asymmetric in this way, that so many people are out here trying to achieve a career that is very elusive. And I think we're surrounded by a lot of people that think their life's gonna start once they— when they get that thing. And that's kind of heartbreaking because it already started.

Yeah, yeah, it's all such up and downs. I will say I do think things got a little better after grad school, but there's other dips and valleys afterwards.

The hits keep on coming.

There's no perfection.

Yeah, that's life, man. The hits keep on coming.

Yeah.

Well, Olivia, you're delightful. You have a smile that many times reminds reminded me of our friend Amy, who's our favorite person.

We just love Amy.

She's just as pure as they get. Yeah, yeah, you have that same quality.

Well, it was so great to meet you guys.

Tell Grandpa happy 95th. My goodness, I will. I hope your mom lets him have this holiday without any theatrics, you know, because she's gonna be like, this is closer to letting go. Like, there's a lot here.

Oh, it actually is her 60th on Monday too, so she's, she's got her own thing going on.

Okay, she's got to stay healthy for that. All right, well, lovely meeting you, Olivia.

Lovely meeting you as well.

Bye-bye, take care. Amelia? Yeah, I don't know that I've ever met an Amelia. Have you?

It's a great name. Only Amelia Bedelia.

Yeah, Amelia Bedelia, or Amelia Earhart, rest in peace.

Well, we don't know.

Oh, true, she could still be alive. She could still be up there.

She's just up there, up in the clouds, circling.

Who is the second Amelia?

Amelia Bedelia is a very popular children's book. Book series.

That's the protagonist or the author?

The protagonist.

Did you have those books when you were a child, Amelia?

I did, yes.

Did you feel special?

I did, yeah.

You deserve that.

Thank you.

Where are you at?

Just outside of Ojai. Yeah, not far from you.

Such a nice place.

Did you grow up there or did you relocate?

We just moved here. I lived in LA for like 15 years, and then before that I'm from the East Coast.

Okay, so you have a crazy graduation story.

KELLY] Yeah, I'm cheating a little bit. This is right after graduation, related to graduation. The story happens because of—

We can't lose.

Right after we have our high school graduation, this is June of 2009, we all graduate, everything's great. The following week, it's tradition for the graduating seniors of our school, and I think most schools in that county, to go do a beach week to celebrate. And it's usually in Ocean City, Maryland, which is like was like 3 hours to the coast. We all celebrate, we're all freshly 18, we can all get in real legal trouble. We're like groups of these freshly graduated kids renting houses near each other at the beach, and then everyone would party for that whole week. My very best friend Megan, still to this day, her mom was somehow able to rent us this like massive mansion. It was perfect. It was like 3 stories and then square shape, so each corner had a bedroom. So we're like 12 bedrooms, balconies all around, big old central staircase.

How far from the It was like a 10-minute walk.

So we would party all night and then go die at the beach for a while the next day, and then just same thing over and over again.

Hookups? Any hookups happening?

Oh yeah.

Oh, sure.

Wonderful.

Because we had like 25 people sleeping in that house. Oh my God. So many kids in that house. So the best part is that it's in a gated community, and it's at the end of a dead-end street, and it's surrounded by vacant lots and like beach woods. So the The chances of us getting busted by the cops were brought down way low. And that's like all we cared about at that point. We're used to running, but like in high school, you get caught, we just get a citation. We do some alcohol classes, we do some community service, and then it's expunged from your record. But now we're all 18, so we're on high alert for cops. That's why this house was the best because we weren't getting a lot of reaction from the neighbors. So we made all of the other houses mostly come to ours to party. And this is like way before Ubers. So kids are piling up like 10 people in their Honda Civics and then driving over, partying all night, passing out, and then driving back to their houses in the morning. And it's pretty much rinse and repeat every day.

And then we get to the last night before checkout. The checkout's on a Sunday morning. And so we decide to throw a rager on Saturday night. Invite everyone from the other houses to our spot, and then clean up the next morning, worry about it then. So it's like 10 PM, people are arriving, and it's already like a house full of like 50 people when all of a sudden somebody on the front balcony who can see the driveway shouts, "Cops!" Uh-oh. So terrible. Everybody panics. Say, like, default is, like, girls hide and the guys are looking for any excuse to, like, run.

Yeah, jump off of something.

Yeah, they're kicking out the screens and the windows and jumping off the balcony. And I'm with a couple girls, like, flushing shit, hiding shit. All the dudes are just booking it into the woods behind the house. This is all within, like, 1 minute, like 60 seconds. It's just panic. In through the front door walks a group of 4 girls. And we were like, what? And turns out it wasn't a cop. It was just a cab because they decided to take a cab. So whoever was on the front balcony just saw the top of the cab in the dark and was like, oh, that must be cops because nobody in our group is responsible enough to take a cab.

Also, cabs either were Crown Vics or Caprice Classics, which are also cop cars. Yeah, you default. You're like, that's cop.

I was like, "Let's go." Now we're all communicating in the house. It's a false alarm. We're all, like, flip phone texting the guys that ran off, like, "It's all good. Come on back." And we're all, like, gathered up on the main floor, catching our breath. The boys are making their way back in. They're, like, covered in scratches from hopping the backyard fence, and they've got, like, massive mosquito bites from the woods, and we're laughing. And then in through the front door walks our friend, Tyler. Tyler is now only wearing boxer shorts and his shirt is flung over his shoulder, and both are soaked in blood. Oh, he looks at us. Everyone is silent. He's silent. And then he just makes a 90-degree turn and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. And we're like, okay, uh, we're not prepared for any medical emergencies. There had been some injuries that week already. Somebody got a full can had beer thrown at their head. Megan got cellulitis from a bug bite. Somebody got their foot, like, stuck in a door and their toenail ripped off. No, it was already a mess. But we were like, that was a lot of blood.

We're like, Tyler, are you okay? You know, knocking on the door. And his boys are like, uh, we found some Band-Aids, do you need that? And we're like, I don't think that's it. He finally opens the door and he's still, like, gushing blood.

From where?

Just down his legs. Oh, he's just like, somebody has to take me to the to the hospital. And we're like, "No, are you sure?" And he's like, "Yeah." And so we're like, "Okay, new task. Who's the most sober to drive Tyler to the hospital?" So we had a group breathalyzer that I think somebody stole from one of their alcohol citation classes, but we would bring it to parties and, like, of course, play games with it. So we're passing it around. Everyone's been drinking for a week straight. Straight. So we're all like, no, no, no. And then it gets to Megan, and Megan hadn't been drinking that day because she was reacting so badly to her bug bites, so she was the most sober. Megan was like, okay, I'll do it, but she was reluctant because this is her brand new car. It's an R32. She loves it. And she also has a suspended license for speeding, so not ideal.

This is my kind of group.

This is really taking me back.

Yeah, you guys would have fit in.

Great.

So she's like, fine, put some fucking beach towels down, please. So she's driving, Tyler gets in front passenger, and me and my other bestie Shelby were like, we're gonna come as moral support even though we're shit-faced. We're gonna hop in the back with you guys.

I know, it's hilarious because 5 minutes before everyone was avoiding cops and adults, and now it's like, I'll go, I'll be the hero, time to shine, I'll risk it all.

And then we sped off, definitely, because Megan's driving and that's why her license is suspended. And this is before GPS, We don't know where the hospital is at all. We're just driving to the downtown boardwalk area of Ocean City, and we're like, "Maybe we'll see a sign." I don't know what we thought or our plan was. We're driving for, like, 10 minutes, and he's still gushing blood. He's in, like, a puddle of it. And Megan spots two cops walking on the boardwalk, and she was like, "Fuck it, guys. Like, I gotta do it." And so she jumps out of the car, she runs over to them and she's like, you guys gotta help my friend, it's like his dick or something, it's bleeding, you gotta help him. The cops come running over and they're like, hey man, you gotta tell us what's up, you know, we're calling an ambulance but you gotta tell us. And he's like, nope, just call the ambulance. And they're like, it's coming, but we gotta tell the EMTs what we're working with. And he just like sits there and he just goes, I ripped my fucking ballsack open, okay?

Oh wow. Because when he was jumping off fence or something?

No, I don't have the fact on this because he never spoke about it again. Oh, but everyone jumped a fence, and we don't think Tyler cleared the fence, and he ripped open. So, oh mama, these cops are young too, and they're like giggling, and they love it.

Of course.

Yeah, Megan is like dry heaving because she's like, nutsack blood all over my new car. But the ambulance shows up, takes Tyler. Megan volunteers to go with him. They leave, and then the cops turn to me and Shelby and they're like, you guys are a mess, so you're not getting anywhere near a car. And we're like, we'll walk back. It's like miles away. And they're like, no, you can't walk back. We have to see you off safely. So why don't you get in the back of the cruiser and we'll take you home?

Oh, you're gonna bring the cops to the party? Oh yeah.

So we were like, no. And they were like, yeah, let's do it. And they're like, nobody's in trouble. Promise you're not in trouble. We just got to see you off safely, then you can go have your And we were like, okay. So they get to the entrance of the gated community and we're like, nope, just drop us off here.

Like, we're good.

And they were like, nope, we gotta see you off safely. Which house is it? So they pull up to the house and sure enough, an actual cop car is pulling up. So everybody goes running again.

Jesus.

People leaping out the balcony, out the windows. And as promised, they drove off.

That was nice of them.

Yeah. Yeah. How fucked up was the house the next day?

Oh my God, there's blood everywhere. I mean, it's been a week's worth of booze. It's just sticky. All the toilets are clogged because people were flushing blunts.

Oh, okay.

All the window screens are kicked out, and checkout was like 11 AM, so I don't know how we did it.

I got a hunch the mom got a little bit of a bill.

I don't remember. I think we did an okay job. It might have been passable enough for whatever poor cleaning crew.

I know, I know.

I do know that Tyler does have kids.

Oh, okay, great.

Oh, I think everything's good. It was a happy ending.

It didn't totally end.

Yeah, correct. Yeah, that's good. That's best. Oh wow, what a time to be alive. You're just hoping to be one of those kids that doesn't go down. As long as you're one that doesn't go down, everything's groovy, right?

Thanks for that crazy story.

Yeah, it made me very nostalgic for Trouble.

Yeah, every time I tell it, I do get Nostalgic. Can I give two quick shoutouts?

Yes, of course.

Megan, of course. She's the hero of this story. And then my brother Corey, who introduced me to your show a couple years ago. He listens to a lot of podcasts while he's on the road driving his 18-wheeler from monster truck show to monster truck show.

'Cause that's his job.

Amazing!

We could have met him when we lost Groot last year at Monster Jam when we had to search the semis.

Sad day.

Yeah, he might have been transporting the Gravedigger communal vehicle. Yeah, that's a fun line.

That is.

Shout out Corey. Well, lovely meeting you.

Nice to meet you too. Thank you so much.

All right, take care.

Hi.

Hi there. Do you have headphones?

I'm trying to grab my bag, man. Sorry.

Yeah, take your time.

Are you in the South?

Yeah, in Georgia.

I knew it, I knew it.

I said like 4 words, you already knew it.

You know how I knew it? Your shirt. And don't ask me how, but all my friends have that shirt.

Oh really? That's a standard Georgia issue. It is peach colorish.

I don't know, I just could Sense it.

Also, what's it like to be so handsome? Is it fun?

It gets a little old, but my wife is the only person that doesn't constantly remind me.

Sure. Yeah, that's why we get married, to feel shitty about ourselves.

Sounds like you got a good one.

She's the best.

If I were you, here's what I would do, Will. I would have sunglasses on that had little tiny mirrors on the sides so that I could watch women turn around after I pass. Isn't that the dream, Monica?

Yeah. Really sorry, I wasn't listening because I did see a Georgia something in the background.

I can't tell what all y'all can see back there, but we've got two Coca-Cola bottles from our two national championships.

Oh, hell yeah!

I'm never gonna open these guys.

Tell me this is a UGA graduation story. It is.

Yes!

You know, I went there. Do you know this, Will?

No, tell me.

I went to Georgia. I graduated in 2009.

Really?

Are you from Georgia?

I I am from Duluth!

Okay yeah I'm on Peachtree Corners right now so I'm right next to your hometown—

Yeah oh this is so exciting too bad I didn't meet you before he met your wife or moved out here would have been a catch that is too bad I graduated in 2021. Oh my God no way—

No I gotta go no no no no no I got it run away Will? You're too young for this phone call!

Way too young you don't pass my test which is that you're younger than my brother—

That's a good litmus test. That was just like, that's the cutoff.

No, look at his face again. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, are you 24?

I'm about to turn 27.

Oh, we did something.

Yeah.

Okay, so how did—

38.

You're 38, so 11 years. Fuck you. Well, I thought you were 36.

Age shaming out here.

I know, I'm trying to help.

And how dare he? You're 51.

I'm helping you. I'm pretending you're younger and he's older.

Thank you.

Okay, anyways, graduation.

Let's get to graduation. Yeah, go Dawgs!

Go Dawgs! That's honestly the only great thing about this story is that it was the University of Georgia. Everything else, it's just a mix of humiliation but also a joke. And the further we get away from it, the more I can laugh about it now.

Oh, I can't wait.

The only reason I'm even doing this is because my little sister— I have two younger sisters— my middle sister followed me to Georgia, and she literally called me like 3 weeks ago and said, Will, I listen to this podcast, 'This is the content that they like to talk about.' They have a website. One of the topics is crazy graduation stories. She was there the night of it, and she said, 'Would you be willing to just go for it, see what happens?' Please thank her on our behalf.

Yeah, that's our favorite is when, when Armchairies ensnare other people into— yes, it's great.

Hopefully she'll get you and you'll start listening as well.

She already sent me a couple episodes. I started listening. I'm not as good of a podcast listener as I used to be, be a couple years ago.

We'll get you back.

I'll get back onto it. Yeah.

Okay, well, tell us what happened.

What year?

What went down?

This was May of 2021, and I was graduating from the University of Georgia, and it was a great day. It was a great evening, great weather. However, we were still kind of in that weird COVID time, and so graduation for us actually got split over a couple different nights. It wasn't our entire undergrad class, it was just the business school graduating class. And so we were actually, we were doing it on the field of Sanford Stadium, so the University of Georgia football field right there. It was outside, and I was really excited. Most of my friends were going to be with me that night. A few of our friends that were not in business school had graduation on different nights, but I was greatly looking forward to it, and I knew it was going to be a mix of emotions. To celebrate, my family came in town. I'm originally from Birmingham, but my parents had come in town, my two younger sisters had come in town, and then I actually had a new girlfriend at the time. We'd been dating for a handful of months, but she'd only met my parents a few times, and so this was her second or third, maybe fourth time time really spending meaningful time with my family.

And so really quick, this is a master's degree, obviously, business school, undergrad.

I thought about doing the double Dawgs, but I'd had enough school. Terry, Terry College of Business. That's right, good shout out.

Yeah, I had to. Dax is embarrassed.

No, I love it. I'm just laughing at Monica. Her love for UGA is very endearing.

I'm not kidding, one of the only reasons I'm really enjoying this right now is because of the Georgia thing. Having to tell this humiliating story, it's kind of like, why am I doing this? I'm like, I've got a fellow Dawg.

Yeah.

We can do it.

I want to say the ceremony was starting about 7:00, so we got an early dinner reservation at a steakhouse right there in downtown Athens. It was my parents, my two sisters, my girlfriend, and myself. I've got some jitters, like, it's college graduation, this is a big deal. I also have some jitters, this is my girlfriend, she's meeting my family again. But overall, it was really successful. We had a nice dinner, we drank a beer, like, we were having a good time. And then we get in the car, the plan is going to be drop me at graduation so So I can go down on the field. I've got my cap and gown on, I'm dressed up. My family was gonna park and then walk into the stadium and find seats up in the stands. So I run down onto the field, I meet up with my buddies. There's probably 30 or 45 minutes until the program is set to start. And I'm just chopping it up with the guys. We've got our friend group of guys and girls. We're hanging out, we're taking pictures. It's pretty surreal. Like, how have we already made it to this?

The time has been flying. I look back in the corner in the stands and I see that my family and my girlfriend had found some seats. I was waving to them, they're waving to me. I'm texting them like, this is all happening. So they've got on the big screen up there, they've got the countdown of how close we're getting until like 3, 2, 1. And then that's when the lights go off and they do it like a big introduction video. And then the president's going to come out and the whole thing starts. So I'm looking up and there's 10-ish minutes left before we're supposed to kind of get our seats and the whole thing's going to get rolling.

Really quick, I need to know, what did you eat at the steakhouse?

The 12-ounce filet.

Okay. All right. No seafood?

No, no. I stuck to the red meat. Honestly, in hindsight, I wish I'd had the seafood because there's about 10 or 9 minutes left. I'm wearing a cap and a gown and we're outside and I'm feeling great. And so I was just kind of farting it up a little bit, like subtly. But there's some mixed nerves and I've also just eaten a bunch of steak in the last hour.

Yeah.

And I'm a guy.

Yeah.

And you've had some beers.

Yeah, I had a couple beers and I— what do you guys call it? An unauthorized evacuation.

Yes, that's right. Yeah, that's a technical term.

Thank you.

So I'm talking to my friend, I just gotta let out a tiny little fart and I immediately felt something wet come out.

I froze and I tried to play it super cool.

I think my face got immediately red. I'm looking around, I'm like, there's no chance that just happened. We've all had that experience probably at least once. I'm literally standing there looking around, begin panicking. My heart is pounding through my chest. I know for a fact I just had an unauthorized evacuation in my pants.

And sizable, it sounds like.

Decent size. It was just really wet was the problem. It wasn't like something just sitting in my underwear, like my boxers were just wet.

Were you only wearing underwear?

No, I had slacks on. I looked good. I had slacks and I had a button-down tucked in. I was wearing a bow tie.

Oh my God.

Oh yeah, we've been having a good time. I was even down like 5 minutes before that. I was waving. They had some cameras going around. I got on the big screen on my phone. Yeah, a little sign said, hey Mom. And so they're texting me. It was awesome. And then this happens. And so I start panicking. I look up, I'm seeing there's an 8 minutes until the ceremony's supposed to get going. And I look at my friends, I'm like, hey guys, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick. I waddle as quick as I can. And my parents are looking down at me and my girlfriend and my sisters, and they see me. Everybody else is hanging out because it's start, and I am hightailing it back towards kind of where the stands are, and I'm looking around for a bathroom. They have the main bathrooms closed because it's COVID. They have individual porta-potties, and so I go into a porta-potty really quick.

Are you at least grateful that you're in a gown? Like, if you're gonna shit your pants, there's nothing better than having a cloak around.

That is true.

It was certainly helpful. It helped cover up and mask any potential damage of what could have been really humiliating publicly. And because I had normal clothes on underneath too, I knew there were some layers here, but really Having that gown on to cover up any potential stains that could be showing, it did make me feel slightly better. I was also— I was just mortified. I'm in this porta potty, it's like 115 degrees in there, I'm sweating bullets, I can hear the countdown starting to begin, I'm freaking out. So I ended up just having to drop the drawers, throw the boxers into the porta potty. Yeah, they're just floating in the water. Yeah, I pull my pants back up.

Was there a lot of seepage into the dress slacks, or were they pretty dry?

The slacks were dark, which was helpful. It was better than wearing like khaki pants. There was only a little bit of seepage. And so I throw the gown back on. I'm using toilet paper to dab my face off because I'm sweating. Do I just need to try to go to the bathroom right now while I'm in here? Do I need to try to like finish this thing out? Is this going to happen again? What's going on? And I'm having to think quick, guys. I mean, the countdown is starting. When this thing starts, people are going to be looking around. I'm in front of, I don't know, let's call it 20,000 people. They're going to be looking at me walking down the middle aisle on the field like, why is this dude late? What's going on? And so I'm just having to think quick. I was not making the most rational decisions, but I'm just doing what I can to be productive here and try to cover up my mistakes. And so I end up throwing the gown back on, zipping up the pants and the shirt and getting all settled. And then I go back out.

It is starting as I'm walking out. The lights go off, the screen comes on. I look up at my family and they're kind of looking at me, giving me a sign, and I'm like, no, we're good, we're good, we're good, don't worry about it. So I go and I sit down in my seat with my buddies. The entire time I cannot focus on anything. I'm just wondering, can they smell me?

Yes.

Oh yeah, did I get Is this all the way gone? Are they gonna smell what just happened? Like, a lot of insecurity. It was the longest 2 hours of my life.

Were you doing any weird— like, were you pushing on any fabric with your hand and then smelling your hand?

No. Well, again, the gown makes it kind of hard, but I am sitting there and I'm kind of moving around a little bit. Like, I'm trying to feel with, like, my legs, like, hey, are we good? Did I get everything out? And again, thankfully we were outside, so I suppose that might help rather than being inside. But I'm looking around, my friends aren't saying anything. They never asked like, hey, why'd you go to the bathroom? They think I played it cool and I was just cutting it close to when the program started. But over the course of the 2 hours, the mixture of sweat and any residue that was left behind and being outside— again, it's May, it's Athens, Georgia, and we're on a football field. It's like 7 PM, so the sun's still kind of high. I just began chafing so bad. And I'm sitting there, yeah, I could feel it. It was like the way it was all drying and it was just not going to go well.

Yeah, yeah.

I really could not focus. I don't remember much of that entire program because I'm just thinking What next? What's gonna happen after this? Are we going out or am I going back home? Are we going to take pictures for an hour with my girlfriend and my parents?

This is such a metaphor for life. You're graduating. It's like, what's next?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, guys, this was the night I became an adult.

Yes, that's right.

This is my first experience. I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult, an independent adult.

But in fact, you are a child because you poo-pooed in your pants.

Correct. Very much so. It was very, very humbling. And so I go meet up with my family up I'm wondering, do I tell them? I'm making a joke. I tend to be pretty easy on myself. I like making fun of myself. I have a good sense of humor. It's okay. I knew we were gonna eventually laugh about it. The question was when, and also my girlfriend's here. Now this luckily was the girl that I am married to today. So ultimately this worked out.

Wonderful.

Okay, great.

Because of that, I don't have near as many regrets as I would have if she'd end up breaking up with me and this probably being one of the reasons. But I just decided to rip the bandaid off and we're taking pictures and I say, guys, guess what? They said, what, Will? I said, I'm not wearing any boxers right now. And they looked at me like, what are you talking about? And I said, yeah, I pooped my pants about 2 hours ago. They're floating in that porta potty down there. If you don't believe me, you can go look. I'm sorry if I smell bad. I don't know how I'm going to get home. We have like a mile walk back home. Athens is very hilly. My parents tell me that they ended up parking at my house and walking all the way there. I thought they had parked closer. They tell me that. I'm like, we're about to have to walk a mile home.

Did you ask anyone if they they had any baby powder or talc on them? Like, Mom, are you carrying any talc by chance?

Some Gold Bond would have been super helpful. But no, at that point I figured I was pretty out of luck until I got home. And I will never forget, my mom grabbed my arm and she looked at me, she said, Will, why are you saying this out loud? I was like, Mom, I have one of two options here. I'm just embarrassed about this, I don't tell anybody, or we just start laughing about it right now. And that was the route that I chose. And so my sisters, they laughed it off. We go back home, my roommates, They're like, "Hey, why are you running back to the thing?" 'Cause we're all trying to hang out on the front porch. "Guys, I gotta go to the room. I gotta go change." "What do you mean you have to change?" It's like, "I'll tell you in a little bit." So I tell them the story. They're dying laughing. I still am kind of mortified in disbelief. It ends up being okay. I was chafing like crazy. Grabbed Gold Bond at the house.

Oh, great.

Because we had the rest of the night. We were going out. We were gonna go celebrate with my family and friends, and we were gonna go hang out and spend some time together. And I did not want that to dampen the night any more than it dampened my pants up until that point.

Yeah, I would call it a bottom boot boot and rally.

Yeah, that's right.

You had like— you bottom booted, but then you rallied.

That's right.

And you got it.

You got to— you got it. I mean, only a couple more days left to party in Athens. You got to use it up.

True.

Also, I hate to keep bringing up your handsomeness, but you know, the gift— it's like you can tell he looks so hot even with shit in his pants. It's kind of a luxury.

You're so lucky. Like, if you weren't so handsome, you wouldn't be married to that girl. She would have definitely ditched you.

If you're like a monster and you're like, I just shit my pants, like, right, everyone's like, fuck Frank, get the fuck out of here, man. But they're like, Will, you little stinker, you. Let's clean your buns, Will.

I'm gonna go help you clean your buns.

My life is great. And again, just being like a pretty new girlfriend at the time, she was a trooper for sticking that out with me. She's a real one. She loves me through and through. She loves making fun of me for my weirdness and my mistakes. My sisters love pointing out my mistakes and laughing about it. And now my parents do as well. My mom, she ultimately was the one that was most wrong here. She thought there was no chance that relationship was gonna last, right? Yeah, here we are, Mom.

She's from the South.

That's right. She has a decorum that she wants to maintain.

But sorry, it's not polite conversation.

William, I did not raise you this way.

If I hear William, I know it's serious.

Yeah, real serious.

Come again, William? You say you defecated in your slacks? That was delightful.

Thank you. Well, that was great.

Of course, you never know what someone next to you at graduation is going through.

It's a real life lesson.

All right, well, again, thank your sister Claire.

This was for her.

Claire Bear, we love you.

All right, bye.

We will be well. That's hard. Be well, Will.

Thanks, guys. Y'all too. Go Dawgs!

Go Dawgs!

Roll Tide! No, take care. Oh, sorry, don't worry, I'll put that—

oh my God, I didn't kick him out, he left.

He was like, get me the fuck out of here. He is from Birmingham, so he might— he may be fine with that, but he hates that because he's a big Georgia fan.

Yeah, he was. He got the bottles fucking hot. So Yeah, you were aggressive and I loved it.

I was?

Yeah, yeah, I love it.

Emma, cut me being aggressive.

What do you mean I was aggressive? You're like, I want to wipe your butt. Like, you're— yeah, you knew, and you want to, and I know you do, and he knows, and I love it. You would wipe that butt all day long, wouldn't you? Yes, I think I would clean his butt.

Speaking of changing, I got to go change my pants too.

All right, love you, love You do you want to sing a tune or something?

We don't have a theme song.

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the Fly Rhyme Dish, On the Fly Rhyme Dish, enjoy.