Transcript of Jack McBrayer New

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Oh no, what happened?

I don't know.

You know the YIPS? We just had a— we had a guest on talking about the YIPS. Oh right, so athletes famously get the YIPS. And what if I got the YIP that I couldn't say welcome, welcome? That's how crazy the YIPS are. Like, you do take this thing you can do, you've done for decades, and all of a sudden you mentally can't do it.

Well, that's such a ding ding ding because I'm reading a— rereading a book right now called Art of Fielding that is this.

It is.

It's about the— yes.

Okay, so welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

And today we have a very, very, very funny young man. A young boy.

Funniest.

He's the cutest and the funniest. He's also an Emmy Award-nominated actor and comedian. Jack McBrayer. 30 Rock, Wreck-It Ralph, Zillow Gone Wild— ding, ding, ding, ding— my new favorite show, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Another ding, ding, ding.

Very memorable. Uh, season 3 is airing right now of Zillow Gone Wild on HGTV, or you could stream it on HBO Max. That's what we're doing. Give a little pro tip. But yeah, if you follow the account Zillow Gone Wild, which I do— it's a great Instagram account, it's all these very unique homes.

Unique.

Yep.

Uh, and Jack goes and visits these, and they're incredible. And before we go, I want to announce some summer Armchair Anonymous prompts. Here we go. Tell us a foreign object story in body.

Oh yeah, foreign object in body.

Yeah, foreign object in body. We love that one. Let's go round 3 or 4 of that. Uh, tell us about a time you fought a wild animal.

Oh wow.

Tell us about a crazy family secret.

Oh yeah.

Tell us a crazy stalking story. Oh, we dare go back to stalking. They've all been so scary.

Stalking is scary.

Tell us a crazy home intruder story. Okay, so we have foreign object in body, fighting a wild animal, crazy family secret, crazy stalking story, or crazy home intruder story. Uh, go to armchairexpertpod.com to submit your story, and Emma will sift through those and pick somebody, and hopefully we'll get to talk to you.

We'll talk to you.

Please submit. Uh, please enjoy Jack McBrayer. Georgia.

That'll give up.

I, I did that on purpose for you.

But you didn't go.

I went.

You did?

I sure did. I sure did.

2009. I see you have some notes prepared. Yes, this year the first guest to come with their own.

I have a monolog.

No, dueling notes.

No, I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this. Kill Dex.

I no longer want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

Where are you coming from? Are you on a whirlwind tour right now promoting? Where have you been? Were you in New York a minute ago? Did you just do South? When did you do South?

Oh gosh, that was back in July.

Oh, okay.

Almost a full year ago.

Yes, more than— yes, closer to a year ago. You are dumb.

How do we start this thing?

We're Started. Where were you? Where you going? It's almost over.

Is it?

Yes, it's almost over.

Ah, what a dream.

Why is it taking you so long to come on the show? That's our first question.

Yeah, you've been invited.

I didn't have anything to say.

What do you mean?

Well, now I have a show to talk about. What was I going to talk about?

Well, let's get into that, because I think we deal with this with some guests. We're like, there's just people we're super interested in, and we're like, hey, we'd love to chat with you, and they're like, I have nothing to promote. And then we think, like, is that the only reason to come chat?

You only love us to promote.

I don't know, I don't do podcasts. Y'all tell me, y'all do it.

You did Conan's because he made me.

Okay, he did.

But is it your policy if you're not promoting something, you're like, I'm not going to go? Do you feel silly just doing a podcast without something to promote?

Well, it's not silly, but I don't know what I would talk about.

You, your life, your interesting life.

Wow.

You don't think there's anything there? No, I don't wanna know.

Yeah, see, when we started this show, it was not helping people promote projects. It was just to talk to people, and it started out that way, and then it got sort of tricky where people wanted to promote their product. People started using us, you know.

As they should.

Well, but explain to me what y'all's view of podcasting is. Okay. Is that fair?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Messiness.

I would probably start with the fact that I had been a guest on them 10 years ago.

So before you had your own, you were doing guest.

Yeah. Like I did Maren and I did Chris Hardwick and I did whatever. I did these long-form podcasts and I remember thinking, oh, I like that so much more than having 7 minutes to be really funny and get your 3 stories on the talk show. And just like being able to relax and shoot the shit, which is my favorite thing to do.

Yeah.

I came away from those going like, I actually enjoy that. I love shooting the shit with someone for an hour. Yeah. So that was the motivation to do it is like, I loved being on them. Why not host one?

But were you on those podcasts to promote something or just to chitchat?

I wanted to be on Marin's show. I want to be on Chris Hardwick's show. Anything that I like, I just would want to be on it or involved.

Like Stern.

Stern was the main dream. Yeah. And then I got to do Stern. Oh, had you listened to Stern ever?

No.

Never? No, not once. Do you know who he is?

Yes, I know who Howard Stern is. Oh, Howard Stern, right?

I know who Howard Starn is.

You know, I'm certain who Howard Starn is.

Kelvin Starn.

So has there ever been a show like that you liked as a viewer and you wanted to be on as a guest?

Like a show? Yes, of course.

Tell me.

Electric Company.

And you got to be on that episode?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Nailed It, a Netflix baking show.

Yeah, you're a big fan and you wanted to be on?

A kid's show called Yo Gabba Gabba!

Oh, sure, sure.

Jack Black, also famous.

Exactly.

Uh-huh.

All the Jacks. Yeah, Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson.

What if the show, it was just listing all the Jacks?

You could probably do 2 hours of a list of Jacks. There's a lot of Jacks.

I'm out. Jack Kennedy.

Is Dax a nickname?

No, no, no. I'm insulted.

You're calling bullshit on Dax, right? No, no, no.

It was just— I really don't know. For example, my real name is Jack and not John.

Oh, okay.

So I didn't know if Dax was a nickname for something, but then I couldn't figure out what it would have been.

Dax is the real name, and then maybe the nickname is Dan, which is really pedestrian.

What you're saying, a nickname for Dax would be Dan?

It wouldn't be, but in my case, it has become. Dad and Dan are the two names.

Well, Dan makes sense.

Not by my children, but by my friends from Michigan.

It's confusing for all of us.

She is rolling her eyes. This is y'all's job.

I know. Tell me about it.

Wait, so tell me about you, Gia. You're not from, from Georgia, are you?

I'm from Georgia. I'm from Duluth.

What?

Yes. I know you're from Macon.

Born in Macon. When I was 15, we moved to Conyers.

Okay.

Yeah.

Right outside Atlanta.

Yeah.

And that's where mom and dad still are. Brother and sister still live in Athens.

Ah, best place ever. Best place ever.

It says the coffee cup.

It says the coffee cup. I'm trying to get Dax's children to go there.

Okay. Now it's hard to get into, probably during your time. During my time, it was not as difficult to get into.

Yeah.

Still prestigious. Rich college.

Very prestigious school.

Macon, Georgia is 85 miles from Atlanta, something like that. Southeast.

Hour 15. Yeah. It's right in the middle of the state. When I was there, it was a medium-sized town. We had the Allman Brothers, we had Little Richard.

They're both from Macon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So my best friend from childhood moved to Georgia to Macon County. It's a county, right?

As well. Macon is a city. Macon County is a different part of Georgia. But yeah, there's a city of Macon and a county of Macon.

Okay. And they're separated.

They are.

Then all my references make no sense because then when I would visit him, Macon was like rough and tumble.

So I think there was even a movie back in the whatever decade, Macon County Line or something like that.

Okay. Yeah.

And I think that is more along the lines of your buddy. Yeah, it was like very rural.

You get beat up pretty easy at the bar.

Yeah.

What was the vibe in Macon, the city?

Very straightforward. We had the Macon Mall.

What'd your mom and dad do?

School teachers.

Both of them?

Yeah. Yeah.

What subjects?

Mom has always been health and PE, and Daddy has always been social studies. Okay.

I love that he's Daddy.

I know.

Oh, Dad.

Yeah. No, say Daddy.

Keep it. We're never cutting that. We love that.

Excellent. I'm a grownup.

Did they meet at a school teaching? Oh, no.

They met as children. They knew each other from way back. We've just been making family for generations. And when we did move to Conyers when I was 15, they did teach at our high school. Mr. Cresswell, who was our principal, was like Daddy's sorority, uh, what is it called? Fraternity brother.

Yeah.

At Georgia Southern. And so there was an opening for two teachers. And so Mr. Cresswell just called up Mom and Dad. So Mom and Dad were teachers at my school where also my brother, who's two years older than me, my sister, who's two years younger than me, we all went there. So I was always at school with at least 3 members of my family.

Oh my God.

Wow.

Yeah, does that not ruin your schooling experience?

I mean, I wasn't a bad kid.

But maybe because you couldn't be.

Yeah, I was terrified. The only downfall is like if I crapped out on a test or something, my mom would hear about it before I did.

Oh, they would go and run and tell.

Well, they'd be in the teacher's lounge and Miss Garrison would be like, Jack really shit the bed. I don't think that's what they said.

The kind of language they use? That's where they would get nasty. That's the side of your mom you don't even want to know about that happens at the teacher's lounge. Why would you even say this?

Smoking cigarettes and drinking black coffee? Absolutely not. Black coffee.

Grow up.

That's the worst part.

Did either of your parents smoke?

Oh gosh, no.

Well, don't say oh gosh, no. My parents smoked. Are you bragging? Yeah, a little bit.

They were super cool.

But we're children of the '70s. You would agree a lot of parents were banging darts.

What?

Smoking cigarettes.

Jack.

Jack, I feel like you just came out of the 1930s. You're so innocent.

It's just the words you're saying. Bangin' darts means smokin' cigarettes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you know that?

Yeah, because he says it all the time.

Did you know it before he said it?

That's a great question. It is a phrase I probably have not.

What was that?

Oh, you're making me feel—

why are you doing this?

What? It's okay, Jack.

You just do it in casual conversation.

Yeah.

Excuse yourself.

Would you rather I light up a cigarette and bang a dart in front of you, or would you rather I just do a nice little squirt?

How often do you do it?

Oh wow, 30 times a day, maybe more.

Does one squirt equal a cigarette?

No, no, no, two squirts equals 1 milligram. That doesn't mean anything to you, but no, it's a moderate dosage of— yeah, let's put it this way, you know everyone does those little pouches now? Well, those pouches range from 4 milligrams a pouch to 13, and this is 1 milligram for two sprays.

So it's baby stuff. Do you have any vices?

I mean Daddy likes his medicine.

Okay. Yeah.

You like to drink, right?

Well, I don't seek it out.

You don't?

What do you mean you don't seek it out?

You think it just appears?

People knock on the door and hand it to you?

Like, this is this magical elixir.

Where do these come from?

No, when I'm sitting out by the pool, yes, a nice Bud Light. If I'm going to a Mexican restaurant, sure, a margarita. But also like sometimes I just feel like I'm pretending of like how grownups work. I'm just like, hmm, what is your Sauvignon Blanc situation? I don't know what I'm talking about.

You're like cosplaying as an adult. I mean, that's the story of my life.

I have to time I'm just like, oh, property tax, miles per gallon.

These are adult concepts.

A tasting menu. Bangin' Darts. Please pass the Bangin' Darts.

But when you get blasted, you'll get blasted, right?

Well, I don't care for that term.

Oh, you don't?

I mean, if you're at a party, sure, I like to have fun, but also I'm old enough now to know how bad the next day feels if you get too Blasted.

Yeah.

Not knackered.

What's your preferred word?

Tempted by the devil. The devil's syrup.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I like it too.

What was the older brother like that's 2 years older than you?

Pete.

Very intellectual. About to celebrate his retirement. What? He works at the UGA library. He does IT. Oh my God.

Cool.

Y'all might have run into each other. Oh, he's been there for many, many, many, many, many years.

I wish I had. I wish I could say I had.

You never went to the library?

She's never had any technical issues while she was at the library.

Yeah, yeah, I was into more hardback books.

You're so analog.

Yeah, that's what they say about me.

You Luddite.

He was super smart. Was he nerdy?

He loved reading and he loves math.

Was he hanging out with the jocks or was he hanging out with the mathletes?

He loved his books. There was a great deal of reading.

Okay, how about your little sister? What was her vibe?

She was in the plays with me in high school, and then she went on at UGA. I think she was getting a degree in journalism but was waiting tables at the Athens Country Club. And then during the course of that, just as the years progressed, promoted, promoted, promoted, became the general manager at the Athens Country Club.

So they're both in Athens?

Both in Athens. Katie has since moved away from hospitality. She is a 6th grade math teacher in Athens.

What rung of the ladder were you at in school? Like, what was your crew?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, I can talk to wallpaper, so it's not like I was specific. I could kind of sit at any lunch table I wanted to just because, like, what am I going to do?

You were friendly.

Yeah.

You weren't into athletics at all, were you?

I mean, I tried cross-country for like half an hour, but I talked to my parents. I was like, if I audition for the play, I might not be able to do all these meets and stuff. And so I talked to the coach, Coach Fifield, and he just let me do the plays. And that kind of set the course for me.

You used plays as an excuse to drop out of cross-country.

I didn't use it as an excuse.

Well, just as a—

It is his whole career.

—a justification.

Thank you, Monica. I feel seen and respected. Go bang that hash.

No. Dark.

Bang those darts.

You're gonna get it by the end. You know what's fun?

In the audience right now, you've set the hook, basically, which is this is all a facade. You coast under this. You speak very nicely. You're very kind. So nice. You're offended by some words. And then come to find out you're a very dark rascal. You're a dirty boy. You're a dirty and a dark rascal. We've read some texts. Oh no. We come prepared. Will you just explain your approach with birthday greetings? Please explain it. All right.

I love reaching out on people's birthdays.

That's really nice.

And because it is a personal message to them, not to be shared with the universe, I feel liberated to speak freely and playfully. So yeah, I will use some off-color language.

Yeah, I'll just say, you know, you'll—

what do you think is gonna happen? Okay, this is interesting. What's gonna happen?

I feel like he's sincere about this.

I know, I do too. Like, you really don't want people to know that you use the word bitch.

I've never done that. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, listen, my point being, okay, it's the best part. Okay, but here's the thing, we're going back to podcasting. This is a very public venues, that kind of thing. And I have interactions in my life that perhaps are not meant for public consumption. Sure. And there's nothing wrong with either. But you understand the dilemma, no?

Well, I don't. And I really would like to sincerely hear from you. This perfectly lands us to your and I's fun chasm as just personality types, right? I am like, This is me, y'all. And if you don't like it, I can accept that. But what I refuse to do is act like anything but my full self at all times. Like, that's my— that's my ethos, right? I'm on one side, which is like, yes, I have fucked too many people, and I'm an addict, and I have treated people badly, and I've stole. Okay, you know all the dirt. Stole? Quite a bit. Stole? Jacked? Fevery jacked, you know. I didn't try. I— you always say try.

Well, because I thought you said it got stuck.

I just wasn't able to liberate the coins from the thing once I got it into my apartment. But I did steal the parking meter.

Stole a parking meter, but he couldn't get the coins.

Lots of stuff. That's illegal. Point is, life's too fucking short to not steal a parking meter. Well, that too. But to have a version of myself I'm protecting from quote, the broader world.

Rebuttal? Yeah.

Yeah. So that's just where I come from. Great. And then, yes, I feel your reservation. I'm dying to know as well.

For me, I can speak to you in a way that I'm not going to speak to a 6-year-old. I speak to a stranger in a way that I don't speak to a college roommate. I mean, call that what you will. I don't think I'm being inauthentic. I think I'm reading the room. Well, that's true.

You're code-switching a little bit, perhaps. Call it what you want.

But do you have a fear that you would say something that the general public would react really terribly to?

I would not send a text that I send to your lovely wife, Kristen Bell—

Where you use the word "bitch" pretty recklessly.

Allegedly.

Allegedly. And expertly, I'll add. Yeah, they're incredible. They're incredible because they're so long and nice for a very long time, and then they always end with, "You fucker." fucking bitch or some kind of horrendous thing of your life.

Never, never, never, never, never.

My point being, I love conversations like, let's go out to dinner, let's have these conversations. In privacy. Well, yeah.

You're saying it as if like— It's standard. It's standard. And I think also over time, privacy is not a thing anymore. Now that there's social media, people are putting their whole selves out there. I don't think you're on Instagram, are you? No. You've remained kind of private, but we live in a public world.

You do. Exactly.

No, and I think it's actually wise that you've remained outside of it.

For me, it's all about sanity and calm and avoidance of chaos.

Yeah, it is chaotic.

And do you think you've always been that way, or do you think nurture-wise there was some bit of chaos you didn't like?

No, I mean, I think I would be the first to admit I probably have some control issues, and maybe this is how it manifests. You know, there's so much that we can't control.

Let me ask you a very hard question and a sincere one. Please. Do you feel like there's parts of yourself that you were hiding for a long time? Long time growing up, and that that became part of—

No, I mean, like, I am who I am, and I've always had great friends.

We met one of your friends here. Who? I told you immediately. Alexander Skarsgård, who I didn't have any feelings about one way or another. Just, I admired him in movies and thought his body was gorgeous in True Blood. And when he told me you were his best friend, the amount that he, like, ratcheted up in my head as a person, and I told you immediately.

Very telling. We were like, oh, you're so cool.

He's the best. He's just one of my favorite people. How did you meet him? We met May 13th, 2010 in New York City.

Wait, you know the date? Say it again. May 13th, 2010. You have that kind of memory, or just for that date in particular?

For a lot of things. Okay. Well, yeah, yeah, I call you on your birthday every year.

You're so good about the birthdays. Yeah. You need to know how you keep track of everyone's birthday.

No, I do keep it in a calendar, but for some reason I do just know it. Like, what are you, January 2nd?

Yes. That was really good. It's weird.

I think you might have this borderline super memory thing because also with the people's names already, like the gym teacher for one quarter, the whole thing. And then these dates. There's a huge overlap with people with that condition and OCD. Are you a little OCD?

Now see, I don't know the answer to that. You know, there are some people who have legit OCD who can't leave the house without flipping light switches and stuff. For sure. That's not me.

What does your closet look like? It's immaculate. So there was a 60 Minutes segment on it. This is how I even know this. And they went around and talked to different super memory people, and they went into all their closets. And Mary, this famous actress— Mary Lou Henner. Yes, she has it.

I remember.

You didn't even see the segment and you remember it somehow. Well, she's famous. Yeah, but then her closet was like the most color-coordinated Immaculate color.

I'll send you a photo. It's perfect. It looks like a Uniqlo or something.

How much do you work on it? Well, how many hours a week do you spend managing that?

Once you set up your system, all you got to do is maintain.

Okay, and that takes just 20, 30 minutes a week? What's your policy? You get undressed at night? Walk me through it.

I've said too much. I sleep clothed.

I don't want any strangers to think—

the outfit that I'm wearing tomorrow. No, but I don't care for dirty clothes laying around. So I have a hamper, but then I don't let it pile up too much because I don't like that.

Do you step into your closet clothed and then begin undressing and putting items in the hamper and then rehanging the things that won't get washed? Sure. Does that all happen in the closet, or will you sometimes get disrobed in the bedroom and then move the whole project to the— I think this is telling. It is? I do.

No, for me, it's the closet, just because you want to keep the stuff there.

Yes, I had a hunch it all took place in the closet, whereas I'm walking and I'm taking clothes off and I'm throwing one on the bed and the I'm throwing one over here. I'll ultimately gather it all, but I don't go to the designated spot.

This is interesting. What do you do? I now, as of a couple months ago, have a walk-in closet. It makes a difference. It makes a huge difference because now everything happens in the closet. And I before was a mess, willy-nilly, just everywhere. And I would throw it, I'd throw it on this cushion and then some on the bed. But now that I'm a good steward of my belongings. I do that. I take off my clothes in the closet, I'll put them in the hamper, I'll hang the thing so it looks nice.

Yeah. And then you'll get into your nighttime wardrobe, your jam jams, still in the closet. What do you sleep in, Jack? Fella?

No, uh, boxers.

I would have never guessed that Jack would be our hardest interview. You won't even say what you sleep in?

That's nobody's business. Oh my God. Okay, but part of this might be a little Southern.

I'm not laying him off that easy. Something else is going on, but I'll let it slide. I'll let it slide. But the notion that people knowing what you sleep in might be—

it's nobody's business.

He sleeps in me undies. I sleep in pajama pants and a wife beater. That's a great story. And I, and I have to, because, Jack, my legs get sweaty when I sleep. Okay, do your legs get sweaty?

Why would you think this is information I'm gonna share with strangers?

We're not strangers, we're Best jokes of yours. These are— what is wrong with y'all?

Why would you think this is appropriate?

If we were at lunch, would you tell me? Yeah, you would. Okay, that's good, that's good. There is a circle I could enter. Okay, I gotta go back to your bits because they're so good. So less people think you're such a goody-goody.

I'm not a goody-goody, I swear. You do. And forgetting Sarah Marshall, I said some very racist dirty Dirty stuff. Dirty grown-up things. Grown-ups. Grrr. Annuities.

That was a character. Yeah.

But Jack McBrayer was saying it. That's true.

I think on 30 Rock you said probably some stuff too, but less.

Rare swear words and more just crazy words. Made-up words. You know we're celebrating 20 years since that thing premiered? 20?

That makes me feel old.

6. You did it!

Wait, Jack, do you love acting? And I'm being sincere now, because you get to play a different person and you're not really responsible for it.

Have you seen the characters I play? I do not have range, fella.

I smile, I talk Southern, I say weird stuff, right, that you don't normally say in front of people, right? But in the shows you have to say it in front of people. Is that liberating?

Well, because then I can blame it on the character, I reckon. Yes.

What I can tell is that you're not at all burdened by this. Like, this would burden me to have two different presenting versions of myself. Like, one I do here, one I do here, one I do there. That to me would feel burdensome.

Well, now I do have to ask, and I'll ask both of y'all, do y'all feel that I behave very differently? To me, I feel like even when I'm making remarks to your wife on her birthday—

foul remarks, really bad stuff—

it's still me just being in a more playful manner. Yeah, yeah.

A little— from my point of view, that side of you is so appealing, I can't even I can't imagine constructing some story where everyone wouldn't like that.

I'm not gonna say those words in front of 6-year-olds.

Yeah, yeah, but there's no 6-year-olds listening.

It's okay. On Zillow Gone Wild.

Yeah, we don't have a 6-year-old. Gone Wild.

Yes, you have to meet whatever the tone of the show is, where it's at, for sure. Okay, one other one you did— well, you've done a bunch of great bits, which is you have been to many functions at our house, or parties, I guess. I know they're not functions.

You know, this is the first time me seeing this house.

That's too long. And we haven't had as many socially things because kids, probably, I would say. Yeah, no, I get it. But one time you came over, you called on the way and asked Kristen, is there anything I could bring over? And she said, no, we're all sorted. And then you stopped anyways and you got a bag of like ruffles at the store, brought them, put them on the counter and didn't make a big deal of it and then left. And after you left, we discovered that you had left the receipt on it and you had circled in highlighter how much you had spent. And then, and then you wrote a little note that said, this is my business manager's email. 'Please reimburse me for these chips.' Okay, I don't remember doing that. You don't remember that? Oh, and then here's an even better one in the same vein.

That's funny. You're getting really exposed.

But that's what I'm saying, playful bits that are for y'all. And I realize for your podcast we're telling the world about it, but they're so good.

And then this one's the best. Another time you came to a party You didn't bring anything, or if you did, you didn't leave a receipt. So we're like, oh, that's both. Always bring something. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Georgia. Yes, you did. I just— we missed it and there wasn't a whole receipt thing. So we almost had that letdown of like, oh man, Jack McBrayer was here, but there's no bit. Where's the paper trail? And then a full week later, we received mail from the post office. And when we opened it up, it was a letter to us saying that you had had a nice time at the party. And that you submitting your invoice for the personal appearance fee of $12,000, but that you were going to make some deductions because there were other celebrities there that helped you share the burden. Yes. And oh no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Darcy was there and you deducted $1,500, and then Ryan Hansen was there and you deducted another $1,500. Oh my God. So it brought us down to, yeah, like $8,000.

What a joy you are to have as a friend.

But see, that's That's fun. And that's so playful. Like, that's fun. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't mind that story. So I want to know how much of your day between the birthdays— clearly you call someone every day. It's someone's birthday every day, right?

Not wrong. Today I had 6.

You had 6 birthdays. See, this makes me think of like Sedaris and his postcard routine. This is a commitment. But also, how much time does that take?

I mean, you talk to somebody for 2 minutes on the phone.

That's really nice. I hate to add one to your list. Don't. I'd love— I'd love to be a part of—

August 24th.

I know, I want one of these like bad, bad texts, you know, that Kristen gets. Are you gonna post them? No, I won't. I promise.

I'm nervous about— I feel unprotected here.

I promise I won't. August 24th. We are August 24th.

I already have some August 24th.

Yes, a common one actually. That whole week is insane.

Yeah, in my house. Is that true? Yeah, my sister, my mom, Monica, my dead grandmother.

What is 9 months prior?

People are going in, you know, it's like Christmas. Oh yeah, they want that warmth. Yeah, they're seeking out that warmth by the fire. Grow up. It happened to me. I'm the one that came out of that.

I'm allowed to say it. Wait, what's your background?

Oh gosh, are you a performer? Yeah, I started out as a performer.

Did you study theater at UGA? I did. I wonder if we know people in common.

You're so much older than her, as am We're both so much older than her.

What's wrong with you?

I know, it's rude.

I know the truth about our ages. Shut up. Okay.

Just shut up forever. Okay. No more talking.

And then she did UCB. You did?

In New York or LA? LA. Got it. So we definitely know some people there. Yeah.

Okay. Crossover.

Interesting. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

We are supported by Allstate. Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that your keys are actually in your hand before you close the car door. Have you ever stood in a parking lot full of sun staring at your keys sitting right there on the seat, 4 inches away and completely useless to you? It's a very specific kind of humbling. Yeah. Checking first is a good idea. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. And for fast, reliable help when you need it, add an Allstate Roadside Plan today. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary. Insurance and roadside assistance plans are subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Insurance provided by Allstate North American Insurance Company, Northbrook, Illinois. Roadside assistance plans provided by Allstate Motor Club Incorporated, an Allstate affiliate. Back to you. Have you ever had any blowback? Like, have you ever said anything that you regretted? Has that happened? Publicly. Oh, publicly? I'm sure I have.

Well, like, in the early days of 30 Rock. Okay, here's a good explanation of something that you seem to be dwelling on. Yeah, yeah. So, my background is in improvisational comedy. And so, I was doing that in the mid-'90s to the early 2000s in Chicago. That's kind of where I found my legs. Met Tina Fey there. So, we're talking Improv Olympic, you're talking Second City, like, fun, established institutions of comedy. And I felt like a million bucks, like I had found my people. I was on top of the world. What I loved about it loved about doing improv, and doing improv at that time, I could be any character. I could say anything. I could create any scenario. And it was all in the spirit of this ensemble creation of playtime. It felt like being a kid on the playground. Pretty magical. Lo and behold, I moved to New York. I'm able to join the New York UCB gang. That was super fun. Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, Rob Huebel, Rob Riggle, so many just fun— Mantzoukas. Come on. What a guy. That idiot. We're neighbors. We take hikes a lot. Oh, you do?

Oh, those must be so fun. Really fun. I bet there's a lot of swear words on those hikes.

Okay. And again, I'm in that fun sandbox world of improv. Then I get 30 Rock, and then you have to do press interviews and say things that go into print. I never had to do that before. 2006. This is also the advent of social media. The advent of smartphones, things are being recorded. Season 1, I'll never forget, there was an incident with Michael Richards at a stand-up club.

Oh, he used the N-word.

And you start realizing like, "Oh, the internet is forever." And so I did start getting very self-conscious. I was censoring myself in improv scenes. Oh, in improvs even? And so then I kind of just had to take some inventory. And just be like, okay, what am I comfortable with? What am I not comfortable with? That's why I tend to be more relaxed in conversation at dinner, at lunch, when there aren't microphones and cameras pointed at me. And just understanding that the words that I say will follow me for a very long time. And so, yeah, and maybe this is control issues. Am I being cautious about that? Very likely. Do I feel that it is keeping me from any happiness. No, absolutely not.

Right, right, right. You don't feel like, um, I wish people understood this about me and I can't tell them, or— yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that fair?

Totally fair. I also think there's some relevant context from where you're from, right? Which is like, the South's very polite. There's a lot of decorum. We spend a lot of time now in Nashville. I observe it all. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fun. I was just there in March. Reese Witherspoon's birthday.

Oh yeah. Really sad we weren't at that party.

Yeah, not yet. Yeah, it's still going on. Yo, I could have fun parties.

I know, of course, because you're fun to be around.

And people know you will never speak out of school. Exactly.

Yeah, until you come on a podcast where people are hammering, shooting darts, blowing darts, and banging spray.

You're so stupid. But both parents, school teachers Kristen's met them. She's gone out to eat with them somehow. She has? Yeah, she said she loves them.

Mesa Grill, 1,000 years ago in New York City. Oh, they love her.

But they're pretty PG, I'd imagine, right? If they're school teachers.

At school they are, but I mean—

They had an naughty side too?

Well, I'm gonna say something I've never said in public before, but this is gonna bite me in the butt, I'm sure. So mom was PE and health at my high school, and so a great number of my classmates would take her health class the curriculum for sex education in Conyers, Georgia, at that time period. And so Betty McBraer would go and tell classes about her exploits with Jimmy McBraer. Oh, boy! Okay. And so I had friends at this new school that I had transferred to coming up to me, "Hey, you should probably never go in your hot tub again." Oh! Oh, wow. That kind of thing. And also, like, they were young parents. They're very funny. The whole family, we're goofy and we joke. It's not like we come from some buttoned up and puritanical kind of thing. No. Were you guys religious? We went to church, but we went to Methodist church and that's mostly social.

Yeah, tell me like Methodist versus what? Baptist. Baptist a little more hardcore. A little more hardcore.

Ours was Cherokee Heights United Methodist Church and mom and dad both went there. Dad's mom, my grandma, was mom's Sunday school teacher, you know, that kind of thing. It's just like a multi-generational, let's go to church kind of thing. But again, it was a very relaxed, it really was about the social aspects. Once I learned the golden rule, I was like, oh, okay, I got it.

What's the golden rule? Do unto others as you do unto yourself?

Are you asking me what the golden rule is?

I am, yeah. Yes, that is correct. Fine, Jesus.

Is that it? What is it? Oh, well, I had it. I don't feel as good.

You did, you got it.

There's so many, like thou shalt not kill seems like a golden rule. That should. That's pretty— that should be high up there. It's a commandment. Yeah. But I guess if doing unto others as you do unto yourself rules out murder, probably.

You think? It's a pretty good umbrella. Unless you're suicidal.

Yeah, it's not everybody. Sorry! Middle name, true!

That's the truth.

Yeah, sometimes the truth has to be said out loud, Jack.

What's wrong with you?

This is where we divide.

How did you end up in Indiana for school? Why did you pick that?

I wanted to go somewhere outside of Georgia. With all due respect to Georgia, love Georgia. I was just like, let me try something else. There was a program that I thought I wanted to do at the time, and and they were offering me some money.

And what was the program? I studied theater management. Tell me what that entails.

I suspect it was essentially, they're like, oh, you're not that great of an actor, but you're kind of smart, so you're going to help raise our GPA. Oh, but at the end of the day, I took a bunch of theater courses, but I was also taking a bunch of business courses, which, as it turns out, comes in very handy later in life. I have a lot of actor friends are not very financially literate. Yeah, they're not very business savvy. And so I'm like, oh, well, I got this.

Yeah, it's funny, it's shocking, and then it shouldn't be shocking at all. It's like, these people already declared they were into the arts. But you are shocked when you hear, like, wait, how would Nic Cage not know that he spent all of his money, right, on the island? The islands are pricey. It's the maintenance that gets you, Jack. That's how they get you.

They don't show you those prices.

You think you're just buying a jet, But it's the gas.

It's the gas. That's my biggest issue. And then you go from there directly to Chicago. What prompts that move?

I wanted to try a big city that maybe wasn't Atlanta. Again, with all due respect to Atlanta, I just knew that I would be always coming back to Georgia. Let's see what else is out there. And because I was in Indiana, I had visited Chicago. I had visited Indianapolis. I had visited St. Louis. I'd visited Louisville. So Chicago was one that I'd visited. I really loved it. And some buddies of mine who had graduated the year before were already living I knew there was a room available, so it just made a very easy transition.

When you went there, no goal of doing comedy yet? Not yet. You end up going to a Second City show, right? Is that how it starts? Yeah. Changed everything.

It was, uh, the summer of 1995, and there was a terrible heat wave. Like, people were dying. Yeah, you said like 400 people died.

Oh, died.

Like, they were putting them in refrigerated trucks. The mortuaries were full. It was bad. I lived— well, you're from Georgia. I mean, yeah, you know, like, guys, luckily I was just like, this is kind Hot. Like, it's one of those where you take a very cold shower right at the end of night and you just lay in bed soaking wet and just pray for sleep. I know, it was one of those. People were saying like their bar of soap in their shower would melt.

It was hot. Oh my God, it was very— I got up at 1:30 or something. People were dying. Just a big box fan in the window blowing on that wet physique. Well, we knew that night you were sleeping nude, I guess, because you're wet. Yeah, I just cried.

Good deduction. I didn't say that.

No, you didn't say it, but we just figured it Okay, figure whatever you want. Figure the rest of me out then.

Idiot. And so it was so hot, my roommate was just like, well, you know, there's this comedy theater downtown. You know, they do free improv, they got cheap beer, and it's air conditioned. And I was like, let's do that. Went there and I was like, these people are living my best life. These people are doing exactly what I want to do. I didn't know that this was a thing. And they are hilarious. And here's what I'm very excited about, is that over the years, so many of those people that I saw that inspired me, I've been able to work with them. And that is a big deal to me.

I'm very proud. Yes! That first show, who was in it?

Adam McKay, Rachel Dratch, Scott Adsit. I think John Glaser was there. Scott Allman, maybe. Jenna Jolovitz. Just some heavy hitters. I'm actually going to Chicago tomorrow. And so I'm gonna make sure I get to Second City and see a show.

So you would start classes there? I went through the Groundlings, so I'm not totally sure how Second City works, but there's classes, yeah? Correct.

So I started taking classes, and then you just, you know, elevate up the ranks. Your last class, you put on a big show. There are kind of open auditions to join the touring company. That's kind of like your entry level to Second City. So I auditioned, and I eventually got on the touring company. Where do you guys go?

Do you go everywhere?

Ooh, Ohio. You go to Ohio? Oh, great deal of Ohio.

And do you like corporate things?

A lot of corporate things, but a lot of colleges, performing arts centers. And Second City is a very established and illustrious institution. I was so proud to be there. Yes. And it was interesting because I was kind of forging my own path. And sometimes you'd get frustrated because I'd be real excited about getting the touring company. And you'd try to tell a friend back home or somebody in your family or something, they're like, Oh, you know, they don't understand what it is. Yeah, the way to really get what a big deal it is. Yeah, yeah. But I knew it was a big deal. And so I kept going, kept going, got put on a resident stage, was there for many years.

Is there like a main stage there? There's a main stage.

And I was on the ETC stage, which was the studio theater.

And so you were there for 7 years. What were you doing for employment?

So when I first got there, I was waiting tables, got fired. For what?

You seem like you'd be a great waiter.

First of all, I'm a very good waiter. I did mess up, though. I was giving coffee coffee to my regulars and not charging them for coffee, and then they leave $2 for a tip and I'd keep the $2. Okay, I was stealing. Thievery.

Hey, people are still gonna love you. You didn't like seat someone with COPD in the smoking section or anything like that? It wasn't that kind of— yeah, you didn't have that kind of infraction at work where you sat someone clearly on an oxygen tank in the smoking section? Or—

that is very specific and very strange.

Yeah, but that's not what you I know. No, it was just old-fashioned stealing.

Okay. It was coffee.

Were you trying to steal or were you like, no, I just want to be nice and give these people some free coffee?

That, but also like I was working the breakfast shift, one person running around that floor. All of these people just wanted to eat their oatmeal and drink their coffee, read their newspaper and smoke cigarettes before they went up to work upstairs. We were in the basement of a big old office building. And so they're like, come on, buddy. And so I was just running around. I was like, don't worry about it. I don't care. Kind of, kind of necessity, but it was stealing.

Oh no, I'm proud of it. Where'd you go on to after that? Timpan, Navigant Consulting.

And now here's a life hack I've learned: if you're going to be in a job like that, make yourself indispensable.

Okay, how does one do that? That's easily said.

Well, I was in charge of creating the filing system, and you just create it in such a way that you're the only one who knows where everything is. And I mean, don't don't get me wrong, they could have figured it out, but I knew where it was immediately.

If they had the Rosetta Stone.

If they, yes, knew the secret code.

Because then you're decoding rings.

But it goes back to maybe that is where I don't want to be so cavalier as to say OCD because that is a legit hard thing for people to deal with. But whatever my tendencies in that world are, sometimes it comes in handy. And I'm not going to lie. I have everything on my phone. I'm talking about like a list of every teacher I've had in my life, a list of every roommate I've ever had. Really?

Yeah, why not? Because, well, because it takes— because that's a crazy person.

The list sounds great. It's creating the list. That probably is where— that's my point.

Once you do the thing, then you don't have to do the thing ever again. That's true. That's true.

I would assume you were friends with Tina while you were in Chicago. Chicago?

Yes, more so her husband Jeff Richman, who is my director. Okay. And who was the musical— he was the musical supervisor, I think that was his title at SNL, and then joined us for 30 Rock, composer and director. And I've known Jeff longer than I've known Tina. I mean, like, they're family.

And so she was charmed by you, I presume. Oh, well, she ended up writing— clearly, a little too late. She wrote the role of Kenneth for you. So there's a There's a lot of ground laid before that happens. Correct. Correct. What causes you to leave Second City and go to New York? And was that a hard and scary decision?

Very good question, Dax, and thank you. Yeah, it's the first one.

I got one.

Been here like 3 hours. I was like— Was it hard to leave Second City? Yeah, it was. I left February 3rd, 2002. The reason I know that is because every February 3rd, the stage manager will film your final night, and they do a big thing. Big thing where everybody says nice things. You get to do your favorite scenes. So I have the DVD of my final night at Second City. Every February 3rd, I'll watch it. So that was 24 years ago. But it was such an important time in my life that changed everything. But yes, it was a big deal. I had a job. I was doing fine. The ETC gig was one of the best gigs in Chicago. ETC, the studio theater, was, I think, a Thursday through Sunday schedule. So you always had Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off. Oh yeah. Mainstage. Was perhaps the more recognized whatever and bigger stage, but they were working 6 nights a week, 8 shows a week, and they were getting paid like maybe $14 more. I was like, "I'm good, thank you." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll stay right here. But to leave was a big deal, and it was a big decision, but it was one of those things when your skin feels tight and you're just like, "Let's see.

Let's see what's next. Let's see what else I can do. Let's see..." What the next thing is. It felt exciting. Scary, yeah.

When you were at Second City, did you have SNL dreams? Yes. Yeah, same.

I think that's pretty common. I think a great number of comedians in general, no matter if you're at an established theater or not, that show was so important to me growing up. Quoting the dumb bits and imitating the characters, and it being such like a reference point for so many people just in my life, in my world.

You could find your people in school by who liked SNL. Well, yeah, yeah.

I don't know, I felt so cool watching it. Like, it was late at night, it was— it felt naughty, it was like timely, topical. It impacted me in such a way. So of course I wanted to do it. They did see me. You got to audition? I got to audition. I don't think they've seen the tape. No, of course it didn't happen. I auditioned the same day as Seth Meyers. Oh, you did? Yes, in New York. In New York. Oh, flew me out. Yeah, it was— what What was your nerve level? Oh, very high.

Very high. Quite high. Oh, understandable, really. Very high.

And it's one of those things where, of course, I was not fit for this show. But man, just to be able to be on that stage. For me, just being in an airport and having somebody hold up your name on a sign. Yeah.

Uh-uh. It's so cool.

I'm gonna take my wig and throw it off at them. Yeah. But I got to be on 30 Rock. That is a show that is based on SNL. That is a show that that is produced by Lorne Michaels and written by the previous head writer. I'll do that. Yeah.

When you moved to New York, did you already have something set up? Did you know you were going to start working at Conan? No.

I seem so enthusiastic. No, no, no. The reason I went to New York was Jeff Richmond, taking care of his boy Jack McBrayer, was remounting a show called Hamlet the Musical that he had originally staged in Chicago 100 years earlier. And he said, hey, I just "February 3rd, you're leaving Second City. Would you be interested in doing like a 3-month run of this show that we did in Chicago?" And I was like, "Yeah, I got nothing else to do." So my final night was February 3rd, 2002. I was in a U-Haul with all of my junk in a car on February 5th, 2002.

So you quit before knowing you were going to New York? Isn't that crazy? That is. Why did you even decide to quit?

My skin felt tight. It was time to go. You just listen to your gut. Well, surely y'all have had that where you just, you know, something either feels right you know something feels not very right.

Yeah, but I've never had that conundrum while one thing was a safety net, right? That's fair. I've had that sitting in Detroit going like, "I gotta get out of this city within hours, or I'm gonna wake up and be 50 and an alcoholic." Like, I could just feel where it was all heading, but I wasn't giving up something fantastic or any safety or something I'd worked 7 years to achieve.

You're not wrong. It was scary, but also it made me feel brave and strong. I mean, all that kind of stuff. And also, like, the genuine curiosity. Possibility. What could this be? Who could I meet? Where could I go? What is going to happen? That felt fun to me. That, to me, outweighed any of the fear.

And were you about 29 or 30 at that point?

I was 28 when I did that, turned 29 in New York.

So how quickly do you get immersed in Late Night with Conan O'Brien?

Great question. So my first one would have been March 3rd, 2002.

So wait, so you left in February and one month later you're on Conan?

Okay, but it's not like, oh, he's brilliant. No. So many people who are writing for Conan O'Brien had come from Chicago, had come from Second City, were already working with Conan. They heard that I was in town. They're like, "Hey, McBurrus here.

Just plug him into something." How about Hamlet the play? What happened to that?

Oh, it was still going. Oh, you were doing that too? Yeah, because you could do a bit for Conan in the middle of the day, go do the show at night.

Oh, wow. Multitasking.

You had a lot of jobs. So many jobs. Also in New York, you kind of had to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you live in New York?

No. Bless your heart. Stop trying to make it about me.

We see what you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But see, this is how people talk when they ask questions. Good people like you.

Yeah. Nice people. You're right. Yeah.

I hate everything about this.

Do you remember what your first bit on Conan was? Yes. What was it?

I was the overconfident new prison inmate written by Brian Stack, who's now at Colbert, and he was Second City. So many people in my life have just taken care of me. And when I tell you I am so grateful, that's why you gotta be nice to people, Dad. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll start now. I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start.

But it was the overly confident new prison inmate. And it was very special for me because I hadn't done hardly any TV before that. I didn't know how this worked. And I knew that Conan was okay with the bit. And so it kind of started a fun tradition of people just like, "Just put Jack in there," kind of thing.

Yeah, you ended up doing 80 appearances in the next 3 years. Yeah.

And that was paying some bills. For any of the UCB kids, like, that was the gig.

Hell yeah. It was the best. 80 paychecks, you're getting what, some kind of SAG minimum or AFTRA minimum, like $600 every time maybe?

You're so starving in New York. You gotta move to New York.

I'm good, I think.

But no, it was the gig. I was like, I have arrived. I'm on TV at night. Can I tell y'all something? I haven't told anybody this, but I think this is germaine. Is that the right word?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Relevant.

Is that good? Is that good? Is that correct? But every time I'd go to do a bit for Conan, it filmed in 30 Rockefeller Center. So I'm taking the F train from Alphabet City in Manhattan and get off at the Rockefeller stop. I'm a person who, if I find a penny heads up, I'm gonna hold onto it, 'cause that's a lucky penny. If I find a penny tails up, I'll flip it to be heads up for the next person. Oh, wow. So nice. So nice. It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

Well, it's more than that. You're so busy between the lists and the having to stop for the penny. You just feel like your days are so busy.

How much time do you think it takes to flip a penny?

Are you stepping over cracks and stuff too? You got a whole thing with those?

I don't believe in bad luck. Okay.

I like that. I like that.

Tails up penny.

Well then it's good luck for somebody else. So every time I'd come to do a bit for Conan, and if I found a penny heads up in the subway stop or in the building of Rockefeller, I'd hold on to it. I had this whole like little box and stuff that I just put them in. In there, lo and behold, you get on a show called 30 Rock. And I was like, that's because of you.

Yeah, I like it. Do you still have it? Of course. Yeah, I'm trying to be ridiculous.

I know, I'm just next to his list.

I've got a PDF.

You're doing that for 3 years, and I'm sure you're pretty content, and it's wonderful because you're on TV every couple weeks.

And obviously we all worship Conan, and I was doing shows at UCB. I was on top of of the world.

And then 2000 and— what year is it?

Like, tail end 2004, beginning of 2005.

When do you find out that 30 Rock is going to be a show?

Well, I took a break and came to LA for a year, almost a year.

Another wild move, right? When you're on Conan and things are going well and you're at UCB, you came here for a year?

Well, yeah. I mean, think about it this way. For 3 years, you're doing this thing and you're having a ball, but SNL wasn't hiring me. I had done bits for Conan. It's not like I could have elevated further there. I was doing my shows at UCB. I was like, okay, but what else? And not out of discontent, but just out of curiosity. What else? Also, New York is very expensive and it gets very cold.

Yeah. And you're from Georgia. I'm from Georgia.

And it got super cold. I can't handle that. Madam.

Cannot handle that. I was like, let me try LA.

Let me go be broke and tan. Los Feliz.

Oh, I know. And what was that year like?

So fun. I was just like, look at me, I'm in LA.

Green juice and stuff. I don't go there.

Okay, too far. Yeah, Monica. He's old-fashioned healthy.

He is a sun worshiper. He believes in getting like 6 hours of sun a day. I believe in that as well.

Keeps you young.

They say it's really good for your skin. Sunbathing, really good for your skin.

Your skin.

Here's the thing, somebody's got to look into that again because it just makes me feel good.

I agree, I'm with you. Vitamin D is real.

Thank you. People have so many deficiencies.

I have an unpopular take. I'm only very sparing with sunblock, and it's only in a few spots, and I feel like sun's good. People hate that about me.

I know, but also we got to take care of so much other stuff. That gets exhausting to me.

I'm like, right, there you go. Something's got to give. Dishwasher repair.

What else do grown-ups say?

Yeah, dishwasher repair.

Okay, so you came here, you weren't drinking green juice, but living my best life.

I'm pimping. Oh wow. So I'm living in Los Feliz, bought my 2004 Hyundai Accent from Enterprise Rental Car, which I still have to this day. No way. Wow, that's 22 years later. You're still— 22 years later, you're still in that car. And I just hit 65,000 miles.

Oh my God. Think about driving like 1,000 miles a year.

Okay, so think about it This way though, that one year I was here in Tempen, so I had to drive all the way to the west side at Teleflora. I worked there for several months, but during the course of that, I booked Talladega Nights, got some Arrested Developments, and eventually got 30 Rock. So within the year that I was here, I got 30 Rock, which took me back there. And because of that, I just left my car in a garage for 7 years.

Oh, for 7 years? 7 years.

It didn't start when you got back? You needed to call a tow truck to jump it?

Well, no, I had a roommate who would start it up for me.

Oh, that's great. Well, that was the piece of the puzzle I needed. Really? Yes. Otherwise, you had a world record on your hand for the longest battery sat stagnant and then working. This is the worst day of my life.

The worst.

So you go back to New York, but now you go back— Were you a season regular right out of the gates?

Series regular, yes, I was. Remember, it was not a sure thing. 30 Rock took a while for people to tune into and for NBC to have enough confidence to keep us going. So it was tenuous the first year. Yeah. And I mean, subsequent years, but I just knew to keep my side of the street clean, just do the job, show up on time, be nice to people, Dax. Uh-huh.

Pick up the pennies.

Pick up the pennies. I was just so excited to have the job.

You loved it all 7 years?

So fun. New York eventually let me know that we were not meant to be together.

Oh, in what way? Everything.

It was just the amount of people and the cold and the gray. What a wonderful city, change in my life my time there brought about, I'm not built for that town.

It can feel oppressive for me if I'm there for a long time. I'm like, "Oh, it's just too much. Take me to the water, take me to the park, somewhere. Get me out of this zoo." Do you get intimidated by other people? I guess I'm really curious what it's like to work with Alec Baldwin.

Oh, scared, yeah. Terrified, sure. Terrified. To this day. No, it was one of those things where pretty much everybody on the call sheet was so much more— established and just had so much more experience than me that I was just like, "Do the job. Hit your marks." I mean, to be fair, Alec was brilliant on the show, and I think he knew very early on I'm not gunning for his job. I am happy to be here. I am here to make this all look as good as possible.

You are not a threat.

I'm a team player. I was not a threat. I'm not a threat to blind kittens. Right. But no, the whole thing was intimidating. But also, it was just fun to kind of, like, prove yourself and to be like, "I can do this. Y'all can count on me." Even to the writers' room. "Y'all give me anything that you want me to do, 'cause I can do it." There's something about being appreciated by Tina that feels so good.

It's almost like an anointing, I guess. For her to like you, and you make her laugh, and she repeats things you did that she liked is a very, very rewarding scenario, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, I kind of just worship her a little bit.

Of course. But I will say this too, she doesn't suffer fools, so she chooses people for a reason.

Uh-huh. That's why she's never come on this show. So she hasn't picked us yet.

How do I change the subject?

Can you probably text her and tell her we'd love to have her?

I'm gonna fake a seizure real quick.

Were you sad when it ended, or were you also getting that familiar kind of, okay, time for something new?

Good question. It was a mix. All of us at different points would kind of just burst into tears, like, at the most random thing. I'll never forget, I was like, this is my last free haircut. Oh yeah. Oh no. I'll never forget Jane Krakowski walking down the hall. It was me and our friend Alethea, who's in wardrobe, and we were just like laughing at some internet thing, and we're like, ahaha! And Jane just burst into tears because she's like, we're not gonna see this anymore. Yeah, it is sad. So that was indeed emotional, but I was excited. And also, I wasn't worried that I was never going to see these people again. I call all of them on their birthdays, right?

Right. At least once a year.

Well, and I'm telling you, for the 20-year anniversary, we gotta do something, right? Yeah, we gotta do a party, a panel, or a table read or something.

Were you not frustrated? I remember when I would watch the show, I would think, I'm so confused why this show isn't as big as Seinfeld. I thought it deserved to be a mammoth hit, and every year they kind of put it on the bubble, the same way they did Parenthood. Was like, Are we gonna bring it back or are we not?

Well, I mean, I'm kind of glad that I didn't have to worry about that stuff. You could kind of sense the writing on the wall. We were talking about, like, the introduction of streaming. We're talking about the surgence of cable shows. You know, The Sopranos, Mad Men, all these things from cable were such heavy hitters. Also, what's my frame of reference? You know, like, this is my first show ever. But I could easily tell that we were not getting the numbers that Friends, Seinfeld, Will Grace, all these legacy NBC shows. Again, that was not my fight to fight.

And so I was just like, "All right, do I have a job tomorrow?" You were fine with it. But it just felt like it deserved it. It was so fucking brilliant. Oh, it's one of the best shows ever. Yeah, it really was.

You know, the people who like it really like it. And the people who don't—

They don't get it.

—are my family. Are mostly—

Are mostly— —back in Macon.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

Okay, in that period too, you do Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yes. 2007, maybe? April of 2007. And Kristen did tell me some funny stories about that today. What'd she say? Well, one, I think everyone was introduced to your sunbathing routine. Oh, on set? Yeah, well, she said that they would be on the way to set and Jack would be by the pool. Okay, right out of the gates. That's good.

I mean, she's not wrong. So, forgetting Sarah Marshall, my first time in Hawaii, I couldn't believe I was in a movie with all these, like, famous people. We were staying in the resort where we were filming, Turtle Bay, in Hawaii. I was like, this is crazy. So Yes, I was there for a month and I worked 8 days.

I was gonna say, the other thing she said is you somehow finagled them to be able to stay like 2 weeks after you arrived. No, it was just the schedule.

I didn't like— there was no abuse.

Anything—

no, I don't even know the meaning of the word.

You called Conan and had them give you a full-page outfit for your audition for 30 Rock, so I know you know how to call people.

That's not finagling, that's asking for a favor.

Yeah, okay, great. I think finagle is French for favor.

That's I think that's a lie.

But you managed to be in the sun for 22 of 30 days.

But now here's where it got tricky. They're like, well, Jack, your character is like a Mormon coming from Utah. You wouldn't be tan. I was like, that sounds like a makeup problem. So no, I tried to slather on as much, but after a while you're like, bro, I'm getting tan.

When you're poolside, are you just sitting or are you on your phone? Are you reading a book? What do you do with that? I can't sit for that much time. I can.

Here's why. It is transcendental. I go somewhere else. It is meditative. I will be laying there and I'm not fully asleep, but I'm not fully awake. I can't lift my arms. I just go somewhere else and I just feel the warmth and I see the light from the outside and I'm just like, this is who I am. Yeah. This is who I'm supposed to be.

Your truest self. Yeah.

But then I'm just Who was I in a past life?

Yeah, sun god. Or like a lizard. Could be a lizard. Yeah, someone that's got to get its core body temp up before it can do anything.

Maybe I was a reptile. Maybe I was a solar panel.

How long are you doing this? Like an hour?

You gotta flip, so yeah, you don't want to do this for a full hour. I mean, you just flip, jump in the pool.

Okay, but you're out there an hour, hour and a half.

It's the best, and your hair just turns that bleachy chlorine green. Yeah, it's the best.

Our youngest daughter has green hair, and I'm I'm so proud of her. That's such a badge of something. Commitment to swimming is what it is. At the same time, and this is where I met you. So you and Kristin became friends on that movie. And then I start meeting you just right after that movie. And I want to say you came over and you had just filmed this, but you filmed a Mariah Carey music video.

What? My gosh. In 2008. February 2008. It was during the writers' strike. I'm positive I was not the first person they called, but I was the first person to say yes. And I play myself. Mariah Carey's love interest. What?

In the hit video "Touch My Body." And is it this one that's like, "Don't wanna see you up on YouTube." I'm always enamored when there's been certain words that get put in songs and I'm really impressed that they pulled it off. Toto's "Africa." To get Kilimanjaro in a song is really, really hard.

You're not wrong.

Yeah. And then another favorite of mine, "The Year of the Cat." Great song. What's the word? The Year of the Cat. It's a '70s song.

But what's the word? It's just the title.

The Year of the Cat. Oh, just having your cat. You have to sit down and write a rock ballad that's hugely successful and it's called The Year of the Cat. That's like a feat. So to sing like, on YouTube, YouTube, that to me sounds impossible. Like if you approach me and said, Dex, you have to write a hit song and you have to say YouTube in the song. 4 times. 4 times. While holding liquid death. And do a runner, kind of do a run on it. That seems hard.

I'm impressed. Well, to be fair, that's when YouTube was becoming a thing.

I like that whole era. It needed addressing. It needed addressing, and she's the perfect spokesperson. And she wants to do stuff, but she don't want to see that shit up on YouTube. Sure. So she's also letting us know I have like a little bit of a naughty side. And you guys probably were very aligned on this. Yeah, privacy. Like, you got to keep stuff off YouTube.

I'm sorry, setting healthy boundaries is okay.

Yeah, I think we should all practice it. Recommend it. But now you did almost kill Mariah Carey during this— Sir! —video. Is that not true?

I didn't kill Mariah Carey. But what happened?

I love how that's profound, by the way.

You did injure her.

I did not kill Mariah. So yes, I did. It was a terrible accident. And she was fine, and she was a very good sport about it. So that is for the record. We're supposed to be like frolicking in a field, and I'm supposed to throw a Frisbee to her. And bless her heart, she was singing as she was supposed to and just twirling around. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. So I threw the Frisbee when I was supposed to. But it left my hands. It doesn't have like a string. String that I can yank it back. Sure. And it just happened to like hit her in the face. In the face. I was mortified.

How soon into its flight trajectory did you start realizing, oh fuck, I think that's gonna hit her? And did you yell, or were you afraid to ruin the video of her singing?

This is a tough position.

Is yelling worse than a frisbee hitting her in the face?

I think it's better. Ruining the take. I'd rather hear yelling than get hit in the face with a frisbee, is my pick. It was just an embarrassing and unfortunate thing. But was it obvious to you it was gonna hit her in its flight? Nothing is obvious.

It's just a mess to me. And you know that.

Everybody knows that. And it maybe happened so fast. It was a blur.

And you have moments where you just feel your stomach just sink and you're like, I might throw up right now. And I'm mortified.

I'm not proud of this. Did she lose or what?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She was such a good sport. I think she just needed some touch-ups and stuff.

Oh, you just need to cover the bruising a little bit.

Why are you trying to make me look like an animal?

And did she explain to you why she wanted you to be her love interest in the video? Ever come up?

It came up in conversation that she seemed to enjoy 30 Rock, but I really do suspect that they were trying to get bigger names and stuff. Okay, all right. I'm not lying.

I don't know if that's true. That's your shadow filling in a lot of unknowns. The shadow voice that tells you you're terrible and a piece of shit.

Security.

I don't have a shadow.

Yeah, you do. Every human has a shadow voice. You can lie about having one, but you have one. Yeah, there's some part of you that's like, Jack, you're so whatever it says. Fill in the blank. Well, I would never, because I can't think of a bad thing about you, but I bet your shadow has 6 or 7 it thinks are bad about you.

Is the shadow in the room with us now? Always. Always.

We bring the shadow everywhere with us.

Y'all are so stupid. Y'all get tired of this job?

No, we love it. All you're doing is talking.

I know. I get tired of talking about myself.

But that's not the premise. You didn't say, hey, can I come over and talk about myself for an hour? I'm like, hey, can I learn about you for an hour and everyone else would like to learn about you.

Yeah, but we could also do that over dinner.

But no one else gets to hear it.

Okay, sounds good to me. Great. Do you watch interviews? Do you enjoy interviews? Mine? No, other people. Uh, like, I love interviews. I used to listen to all the Stern interviews, and I had the streaming app so I could just listen to the interviews. I just love interviews. I loved Letterman interviewing people.

No, I'd see the iconic ones about, like, Drew Carey.

I mean, yeah, when Drew Carey showed his tits. For Letterman's birthday before Price Is Right. Iconic moment.

That was a mistake, man. Am I dumb?

Does your shadow tell you you're dumb? No. Okay, I hope you don't think that. You know what, he's very bright.

He's got a very good vocabulary, as I watch other interviews. Abuse with you.

Oh, I did say germane today.

Yeah, you did. That brought me to Smokey and the Bandit. You ever watch Smokey and the Bandit as a kid? I'm sure. Is that in Georgia? Oh, but one of the officers says to Buford T. Justice over the radio, I don't see how that's germane to the situation. And Buford T. Justice says, the goddamn Germans got nothing to do with this. He thinks he said Germans.

The context led me to believe that.

You figured that out? I did. Context clues. You're smart.

She got me. You read me like a book. That's right. A pop-up book. Okay.

Now, after having that security for 7 years on 30 Rock, do you not crave that again, or would you love that?

Yes, having job security is wonderful. I don't need more money. I don't need more attention. I don't need any of that stuff. For me, I'm like, what could be fun? What might this feel What would it be like to work with this person or in this studio or in this location or with this script? That, to me, is more fun.

That's a very rare commodity to not feel like you need more. Where do you think that comes from?

I think that's just baked in the DNA. But I do think, like, we didn't have a great deal of money growing up. We were not made to feel that we were less than or, you know, anything like that. But I do feel that whether it was intentional or not, or just subconscious, but that you make the best of what you got, whether that's financial, whether that's whatever's going on in your family, you make the best of what you got. And so that was a very helpful lesson for me in terms of like, I don't need a lot. I can make the best of a small space or a small paycheck or—

The 22-year-old Kia? Hyundai. Hyundai. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Both Korean. I didn't get it. Wow, they're both Korean cars.

I don't see color.

Well, I do know that about you. You're famous for that.

You see tan. We know that.

I like car. Yeah, he— I like this one.

He sees a Savage Bass in the mirror every morning.

Somebody told me that you can take a peptide. Yes!

How did you know that? Because we talk about it a lot on here because we know people who've done it. One sitting next to me. Is it you?

I did it for just a little.

You barely tried it, but you did try it. Oh yeah, I loved it.

I would love to be on it, but then a friend who got an illness, we found out, also loved that peptide. So then me and the other person that were on it got really paranoid about it.

I see, I see, I see.

Based on nothing. Like, I'm sure there's a million reasons this person got sick.

Okay. It also does weird stuff, like your freckles got darker.

Oh yeah, yeah, on my forehead. That was one version of— there's two versions of it. Then I did the second version and it didn't have those issues. But here was my point, because we debated it. I was like, I like how I look tan better.

Everybody looks better with color.

Absolutely. And if I have an option to do one that might up my rate of carcinoma versus one that doesn't, why wouldn't I choose this one? It seems crazy. Like, I don't understand what the moral conundrum is about using a peptide versus the sun.

I mean, I get it. For me, it's like, I'm not going to be the first person to buy the new iPhone. I'm like, y'all go first. Yes. Y'all work out the bugs, then come back to me.

I had some ethical issues with it as a brown person. Oh, tell me more. I was like, as a group, darker-skinned people are more marginalized, and then you're just picking the piece you like about it and getting to have that piece, and it just doesn't feel fair.

I see. Yeah, it was a big—

It was a big debate for us.

Are there peptides that change your skin color in different ways?

Like, make it lighter? Lighter? Well, there's skin bleaching and stuff, which a lot of people have done. Some Indian people have done skin bleaching to look lighter because you're considered prettier there at times.

Is that an external thing?

Mm-hmm. Well, like, the movie stars there are generally quite light-skinned.

Yeah. And there's, like, the paper bag test. Like, if you're lighter than a paper bag. Colorism is a real thing for people of color. So I think this gets a little triggering when people are like, "Oh, I'm just gonna, like, take this peptide and be darker." black now.

But my point was, you don't mind when they get suntanned. Like, no one's mad if a white person gets suntanned because that's natural. So you're really drawing this, what I think is a little bit arbitrary line, like, do you get it naturally or do you get it from a peptide, and that somehow changes it?

But also, like, this is information that I didn't know, and that's helpful to understand.

It all started because this woman identifies as black, which is clearly a problem. No, no, I was pointing to the TV. We put a picture over up on the TV.

She's like, this woman, that's the headline.

Yeah, she's fucking Irish, by the way. Oh yeah, I'll just say I'm white. Yes, she identifies as Black, like saying I identify as a woman, right? Like, that's—

she was white as snow, and then she took this peptide.

She had a lot of body modifications, and then she took an elephant's dose of this peptide and she moved to Africa. Oh, so I think that's what kicked it off. Understandably, that context puts it triggering on path where that reaction is justified. I understand, Rob. Maybe you can pull that up at some point just for Jack's amusement, because it's really not amusement.

We don't have to do this. No, I really didn't realize the path.

You'd be amused that a human has chosen this path on planet Earth, and it's okay to be amused by that. And if we pretend that that's not amusing, I don't know where we're at.

I also think I don't care anymore. For a minute, I felt pretty strongly about that peptide and feeling like, "Uh-oh, I don't know if that's good because of this." And now I'm like, "Whatever. I guess just do whatever you want." Everyone try to look as hot as you can.

That's all we're all trying to do is look as hot as we can. Are you, Jack? I am. Look at my hair. I think you look wonderful. You're kempt.

Fisher-Price hair. No, it's something— Lego?

Yeah, I'm having like a Lego snap-on hair.

You make the best of what you got.

What you've carved out post-30 Rock is a pretty insane voiceover career. Your career. Yes. Which is kind of, for people who aren't hip to it, it's about as good as it gets in a sense, because the money's great, the time commitment's very low, and you can maintain some anonymity to some degree.

The best. Now, I have been told, and I hope I'm not getting my information wrong, because many of the characters that I voice do sound like this. I believe the term that was explained to me was that this would be a signature voice as opposed to a more character voice like many of the actors actors on The Simpsons can do like, you know, 12, 14 different characters. I cannot. So pretty much every character that I voice is going to sound like this. Yeah, yeah, which I'm okay with.

Yes, I'm not a good actor. But you've been in Wreck-It Ralph and the sequel, like big stuff. Disney shows that ran for an eternity. I know, I know.

I can't believe it.

What are you doing? No, we're almost out of time. Yeah, yeah, we're almost there. Don't worry.

Commercial break.

Yeah, so that was the before and after of her. Oh, we don't know how she did her hair, what peptide that is, but the hair—

like a wig situation.

But it's clearly not with that widow's peak unless they do a lace front with that much extra hair up front. But you can see where this would kick off the kind of conversation that Monica might have some issues with peptide use. That's understandable. Yeah, I'm learning a lot today.

We're here to teach.

Okay, let's talk about Zillow Gone Wild. Yeah, happy birthday to Jack! Were you following the Instagram account before you got approached for this thing? Because I was. Oh, okay. I'm a first in Zillow Gone Wild Instagram. Excellent.

So I'm not on social media, but I know that during the pandemic this became a very popular Instagram page, and it's just actual listings on Zillow that stand out. Yes, crazy listings on Zillow.

They're gone wild. It's in the title. We'll get to this, this line you You gotta kind of— you don't want to be mean to anyone. And also, let's call it like it is, some of these are crazy, fella.

Yeah, I mean, like, by season 3, I realized, like, okay, my baseline is, does it have a toilet?

That's where we are. That's what you're hoping.

But it's been so fun. And what I do enjoy about this show, I get to do the TV version of what that Instagram page is, right?

So the Instagram page is like scouring all the Zillow listings around the country, and it's gathering the most unique ones. And when anyone would look at them, if you don't follow this page, you go, how on earth are they going to sell this? Someone has committed their entire house to raccoons, and raccoon stripe everywhere. You name it, people have done it. It's been done. When did you get approached in this?

This would have been in March 11th. Well, it was June of 2023. Oh my gosh, it's weird, right?

It is weird, but it helps me keep things organized.

So here comes Dementia. Uh-uh. I was in the Groundlings.

Do you like looking at houses?

Is that a hobby? I do. Yeah. Now I live in my dream house, but when I'm strolling around the neighborhood and I see an open house, I'm going in that open house. Oh, I love it. And I think that's just a very human thing. I mean, it's a genuine curiosity. Like, oh, what are they doing? What is this like? What's their view? So they approached me about the show. Did it, had a blast. You know, you're going in blind. I was like, am I gonna be good at this? This is my first time doing unscripted. Yeah. I was like, am I gonna be interesting? "Can I keep a conversation afloat?" It was very important to me, and I made this very clear with the producers, I don't want to be snarky, I don't want to be cynical, I don't want to embarrass these people. I don't want this to be an exercise in humiliation. I want this to be celebratory, and I want this to be exploratory, and really lean into the curiosity, the human curiosity we all have about what other people are doing. On top of the fact that these houses are crazy!

They are bonkers!

Yes, yes, yes, yes. So you're 100% right to have— ethos going in, or that principle. And I agree, it should not be making fun of people. But also, often you are standing in places where like the only thing one could say is like, this is fucking nuts. I don't know, even when you go with that intention—

well, we have that like on Armchair Anonymous, same thing, where it's like, we're not here to make fun of people. If you go in with the idea that you're not here to make fun of people, you do see the best.

That's true, but his is more extreme. Like, you need to see the places he's standing in, and you have to recognize— like, here's an example, and it wasn't even the owners of the house, they had bought it from someone else. Sure. But he's in a house, and the thing that makes it qualify for Gone Wild is the previous owner was obsessed with storage. And so you walk into the kitchen, you have your normal refrigerator high cabinets, but then you have two more rows of cabinets above that going up into what had to be like 15 feet up the ceiling. And it looks a little like it gives you vertigo a little bit to see that many cupboard doors. And then it just unfolds as getting crazier and crazier. And there's a moment where they walk into this. It's 80 feet by 40 feet. So it's about a 4,000 square foot room that is a big cavernous room and floor to fucking ceiling is shelves. I was saying to Kristen, we were watching it last night. And I'm like, I'm too distracted by needing to know what the mental illness was of the person who built it.

Like, my explanation was, you know, just like there are alcoholics that are low functioning or high functioning, to me that house was like, well, this is a super high functioning hoarder. They have the money and the wherewithal to still hoard, but do it in a way that would be organized. And it's madness.

That was a crazy house. Yeah. But again, like, how can I spin that? I think you are probably correct. It was someone someone who might have had issues of holding on to things but had the wherewithal to keep it organized. But then it also begs the question, were those shelves ever filled?

How did they clean out this house when it originally changed hands? But yeah, no, you are correct.

And so what is crazy, they don't let me even do any homework of like what the house is about to be because I want to catch my reaction genuine. And I'm like, well, I bet you anything I'm going to say, wow, this is scary.

Like, that That room weirdly was a little bit scary.

That one was unnerving because, you know, I had seen the scope of the house from the outside, but I don't know what I'm about to see inside. And it was like a high school gym of shelves.

Wow. It was so big that they were ultimately going to cut it in half so that he could have a 4-car garage on one side with his cars inside, and she could have another workspace and whatever. And there was still going to be plenty of room. It's the size of my barn, Monica, in Nashville, but with shelves.

So you're interviewing the people who— not in this case, but normally the people who live there, or like you're watching— probably built it.

A lot of times it is the people who built it and made these design choices, and sometimes it is the people who bought it because of those design choices. Either way, it is fun. I get to like spend several hours with the person we're taking the tour, and you know, a great deal of it is on camera, but some of it is off camera, and you really get the dirt. And everybody has been a joy. They're opening up their homes to us. Yes, that's a big deal.

It's You're saying, "Go ahead and judge me," basically.

And especially in season 1, they didn't know what they were saying yes to. So we got lucky with that. We were able to set the tone. And I feel that that has made it easier in subsequent seasons to have that proof of concept, even though just like, "I'm not here to make fun.

Show us what you got." Yeah, and another one in the first season was this bunker. So I personally— you can't take this swing. This show works on so many levels. First of all, you're the greatest host. You're so fucking cheery and likable. I just like to be a good house guest.

You're an incredible one.

As we said, the chips.

The ruffles, you'll receive a thank you note. Yeah, yeah, you will.

And a bill for personal appearance.

August 24th, right around the corner.

Okay, so it works on a lot of levels. A, it's just so fascinating to see people's houses, and all the houses are completely bizarre. You're a phenomenal host. But the part for me, the third gear and juiciest of it is, is— and you already witnessed it— like, I love being armchair psychologist. And so I'm watching the one with the bunker, and this boy bought a bunker, a missile silo.

An abandoned missile silo that goes 7 stories into the ground. It's all underground. It's all underground. There's a door above ground, and it's all underground.

And you walk down 50 feet of steps, and then you're in this rusted-out cavern. Now, mind you— This is a horror movie. Yeah. He painted the walls, and he put some stuff up. And then he takes Jack over to where the missile used to sit, and it is just taken over leaking on 50 feet of water.

There's just standing water, groundwater seeping in. Not his fault.

Not his fault. No, no. What are you gonna do?

And also, what are you gonna do, put a raft in that?

He put a raft in it.

No, he really did. It was huge.

I mean, a missile sat down there.

Oh God. Oh, you can't imagine how stressful it is to even just look at the environment. I can't imagine what it was like to be in that subterranean, damp, rusty All right, may I?

Yeah. Our homeowner Andrew was a delight. Very sweet boy. You know, good old boy, did some hunting and fishing and stuff, and treated himself to his own man cave, which happened to be an abandoned missile silo. Was it creepy? Yup. Yeah. But when you have someone like him leading the tour and stuff, it did answer some questions. Would I have spent a great deal of time down there? Eh, no.

No thank you. My turn. No, I don't want to go there.

But the psychology I was enjoying. Join. And I said to Kristen, because he's giving his interview, he's like, you know how many people can say they've owned a missile silo? And I'm like, yeah, that's the only value to the place is to say you owned it, because there's nothing pleasurable about being down there. No one would ever want it. It's for sale. Some other boy— no woman's ever gonna buy that place. You're not wrong. There's something about boys that are like, yeah, I have this thing nobody has. I'll tell people at school. It's so cute and sweet.

That was sweet. And I will say this, and I'll be delicate, I suspect, and I haven't followed up to see if it's still on the market or what, but someone who perhaps is more concerned with long-term safety— prepping, yeah, prepping— in your words, might consider a space like that. Yes.

Safety is really the through line though, because that's what everyone is looking for in their house. So the person with all the shelves, that's also about safety. I agree.

I've learned a great deal about how people define define home. It's been really wonderful seeing how people define that. For me, it was just like 4 walls and a roof and peace and quiet. That's not the case for everybody.

But this season, what are you doing? I know you're paling up with David Bromstad.

Yeah, so he's like a legit HGTV person.

Yeah, he has a huge show, My Lottery Dream Home.

Correct. And so the thing is, like, he knows what he's talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. Right, right. Shadow. Yeah, that's right.

You got it.

But when it comes to houses, I know there are words I'm supposed to know, like, oh, wainscoting.

Your most genuine self always comes out when you see a swimming pool. Like when you're at the Pink House, you're like, oh my God, the swimming— like you almost exploded out of your body.

Gosh, like pools are the best.

Are you a good swimmer? I mean, I float.

Okay, well yeah, I never do all that.

Tells how many Bud Lights he's got in him.

I love Bud Lights. I do. I do love a pool. What caused that, I wonder? The Water.

You like the ocean?

I do, but I like the controlled environment of a pool.

Yeah, very contained. So this season you go 26 feet under Las Vegas. Yes. What was that one?

It's a bunker. It's not just a house, it's got a yard, a fountain, an event space. You feel like you're outdoors, like they painted the sky, they've got lights. It is weird.

It messes up with your circadian rhythm. That's the word. Yeah. Did you watch Fallout by By chance you watch?

No, but I know which one you're talking about.

Yeah, with the no-nos. Yeah, but they're all in vaults underground, so it makes me think it would be— they're living the real life in Paradise.

Spoiler alert. Yes.

Well, if you haven't seen it yet, you're probably not going.

Yep, I just ruined it.

Season 3, we saw 41 houses. So like, I've been traveling a great deal. My carbon footprint is not great.

It's not great. But how's your airline status? So good.

If I what those meant. It just gives you all these numbers and I'm like, I don't know what this means. Okay, you're at the top, you're probably diamond or platinum. Yeah, I mean, and then you got the hotel doing the same thing. I was like, I don't know what this means.

Do you cash any of these in for your own luck?

I don't know how. Okay, okay, okay. I don't know what this stuff means.

Have you ever gone to see Alexander in Sweden? Yes. You have? Yeah. What's that like? How are you not in love with them? I would be in love. I'm in love with him. We all are when you meet the boy.

Like, yeah. So lovable.

I'm the godfather of his kid. Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, no.

He was such a delight. We were surprised.

We were completely taken by surprise. Yeah. And he's so gorgeous. I could just look at him.

He's a beautiful man.

He's one of those people where you meet him and you're just like, oh, you're my guy. What do you do when you're in Sweden?

You guys go out to bars at night and prom?

I mean, no, he cooks at home. Okay. He can be quite quite a homebody. It's domestic. Yes, it's domestic. But like, it is also funny because half the time we're acting like an old married couple, half the time we're acting like middle school boys in class kind of thing, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he loves comedy. And so I'm like America's plus one, but I'll go with him to the SAG Awards or the Emmys or whatever.

You joined him at SNL this year when he hosted.

I joined him at SNL this year. When he meets the cast of Schitt's Creek, I'm like, oh, let's go say hey, let's go say hey. He's like, okay. So he gets nervous. It was the best.

You guys are such a good duo.

He's a gem.

And then you were on Murder Bots. With Alexander Skarsgård.

That was so fun. It is one of those things, you gotta be best friends with people who just give you jobs.

That's a really good rule.

Rule of thumb. I wanna act in something with him. Yeah, that sounds fun.

Oh, you will. It is one of those things where I don't know who we were to each other in a past life, but we met. We found each other. Oh, I love it.

I love it. Okay, well, the new season of Zillow Gone Wild. Is out May 1st on HGTV. I also was watching old seasons on HBO Max. Correct. So streams, feel free to go over to HBO Max. Your birthday is today?

No. Oh my God, that would have— what's the date today?

April 29th. When's your birthday? May 27th.

Oh, May. I wrote down 4/27. It's 3/27. If it were 4/27 and it's 4/29—

oh my God, today's 5—

what is today? 5 5:29. Are you okay?

It's all that nicotine. Shooting too many blanks. That's right.

Oh, I made it bad. I'm really confused.

We finally got something.

Not today is 4:29. His birthday is 5:27.

No, it's 3. No, May. May.

Jesus Christ. Sorry, it's your Lincoln's birthday. Lincoln's birthday is March 27th. I don't I don't know why I'm like, that's right, I'm getting stuck on March 27th. Okay, I have 3 birthdays. So next month, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. All right, I'm gonna try to send you a very vile— you don't have to do that. You don't enjoy receiving them, just dishing them out?

Do whatever you want.

Okay, I'm gonna warn you now, I'm gonna call you a pecker.

No, I'm blocking you.

I'm gonna go, happy birthday, you pecker. You fucking said Jack the Pecker, bro. You're terrible.

I haven't used that word in 30 years. Good.

It used to mean something in the '80s. They regularly call people in '80s in shows, in movies, peckers. That guy's a pecker.

Well, it's gone out of the world. Penis. Yeah, yeah, just reminding everyone that's what it was.

Spoiler alert.

I'm all about this spoiler.

Spoiler.

Jack McBride, I love you. Thanks for getting through this with us.

This was a weird experience, but it was fun. Was it?

It was fun. Good.

We have fun. I got a weird job.

Yeah, we do. We like it. A blessing.

We want to keep it.

I adore you. I can't wait to your next party attendance and your next receipt, your next invoice.

Throw a party just so Jack can come.

I should. It's been too long. Or we just want to go lay by the pool. Yes. Okay, great. Yes, let's do that. That's easy. Do you sauna?

What does that mean?

Do you go in the sauna? Do you enjoy a sauna?

Is that hot or with steam? Hot, uh, dry. Oh, that's what I meant.

Alexander's never had you in a sauna?

In a Swedish sauna? Can I just use the pool?

Yes. Absolutely. But the sauna is also nice. It's very social. We like to get in the sauna together, chit-chat.

How big is the sauna?

It's embarrassingly large. Is it big? It's shamefully large. It's like your carbon footprint. Is it?

Yeah. I have a terrible carbon footprint.

I know you do. You just let that out of the bag.

Well, it's not my fault.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

It's HGTV's. Check out the new season on May 1st, which is 5, which is the month of your birth. I hate that. In 1973. Okay, I love you. Love you.

Good luck. Everyone watch.

Bye. Blue Gone Wild. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. This episode is brought to you by Yello.

That's right. That is really right.

It's officially brought to you by Yello. Monica, as you know, I have these little snacks between our recording sessions.

Yeah, you do.

It's always the same bar. I'm kind of addicted to it, and it's got half of my fiber in it.

It really does sound like this is an ad now.

Yeah, but I'm not going to say the name of it, so it's not an ad. Oh, I just love this bar. It's got half my daily, uh, allowance of fiber in it. So I need— I need that. I eat 2 a day. I love them. They're such a treat for me at night when I get into bed. Oh, it's your dessert after I brush my teeth? Oh, after? Yeah, which people hate.

Yeah, people won't like that.

Then I'll remind them that brushing your teeth is more about the plaque being on there for 24 hours and becoming tartar, or vice versa. It's more of a time game. As long As long as you interrupt it. Anyways, that's neither here nor there. Last night I was laying in bed having my snack. Yeah, 190 calories. Okay. And I thought, huh, I wonder how this would taste on a melted marshmallow between two graham crackers.

Oh, a s'more! A s'more!

I want to try a s'more with my protein fiber bar. Whoa, this summer I'm just loosely scheduling it for July 4th. 4th weekend. Cool. Um, so that's a new project I'm working on.

That's fun.

I know, sometimes we announce our new projects.

I feel like you got inspired by an Armchair Anonymous we recorded.

Maybe you didn't even know that you did, but there's a camping one and I asked the little boy if he was gonna, um, make s'mores that night and I— he said yes.

And a story about s'mores. Yeah.

And then I asked if he was gonna use a Reese's peanut butter cup. Oh yeah, he said he had done that. He was a pro. Yeah, he was.

Yeah, he paid the price. Hasn't tried this. I don't know that anyone has.

I might be the first person in history that tries this protein bar as a s'more topping.

I think that could be true. I'm skeptical. Okay, but I'm hopeful for you.

It's very rare. You know, I'm obsessed with anytime you can do anything on planet Earth that someone hasn't done. 8 billion people. We're at 8 billion, by the way, now.

I think that's a ding ding ding for a fact, actually. Coming up. Oh, it is coming up. Easter egg.

Okay, for forthcoming fact. But yeah, Lincoln had to correct me. I was like, 7.5 billion, that's not it anymore. Or we're well above 8 billion.

Now, are you worried about what the heat of the protein powder in the bar— there's protein in there, right? It's a protein bar, right?

It is, which is unconventional for me because I don't prefer it. It is vegetable protein, plant-based, plant-based protein. So I do think it'll melt better than like, say, whey protein? That's what you're worried about?

Yeah, I just feel like I'm a little nervous about the consi— what's going to happen consistency-wise when there's protein in there.

Maybe I'll microwave one tonight, give it a try, happens when it gets hot. Okay, you're right, it might turn hard, but I think it's gonna get—

it's gonna turn pretty runny and yummy.

You're pessimistic.

Report back on the next Fact Check.

Well, no, it's not going to happen until July. Oh, I can microwave.

Yeah, let's do some experimentation. Okay, sometimes you do start projects and then you don't follow up? Like your, your, um, cashmere that you're making out of your back hair?

I'm still, I'm still, um, contributing to the stockpile. I just haven't heard lately. Yeah, I just haven't given an update, but there's a growing bag in my bathroom.

How much do we have these days?

Probably enough for like a, um, a pinky sock.

Oh, all right.

That might be maybe half a pinky sock.

Okay, it's like a thimble.

I don't know how much it's when it's once it's spun, right? You gotta spin wool. Yeah, I think it goes down in size quite a bit. It does, it does.

So I don't, I don't really know. thin this hair we're working with.

Very. That's its appeal. It's baby soft because it's off of my baby's legs and your—

your— in my— the daddy's back.

Yeah, none of my other hair would qualify because the rest of it's coarse. I was just getting complaints about it actually from Delta about the beard's not soft unless it's a certain length. Oh, and then my gray hair on the side's kind of scraggly. It's not as soft as the rest of it.

Well, you could dye it and it'll get soft.

I just reached out to Amy to see if she has a window to give me highlights. Now that my hair is getting longer, I like to have highlights.

Oh wow.

Yeah, you know that. I do. Yeah, I do know that. Highlights are fun. Have you ever considered any kind of layers for your hair for dimensions? No. No. When you got perfect hair, you don't fuck with it.

It's not that I have perfect hair, it's—

You have perfect hair.

Well, that's very kind, thank you. Um, but it's that I— oh, how do I say it?

You're afraid you're gonna offend somebody somehow.

So if if you're white and you are— how you're a brunette, you dye your hair blonde, or, or vice versa. In the case of Dakota Johnson, vice versa.

Okay, was that a film she was in, or—

no, no, no, she just went blonde to brown. Okay, great. Yeah, and, uh, it still looks natural. You could have been born with that hair color. Right. Now, if you have brown skin like me and, uh, black hair like me, yeah, I I could not have been born with blonde highlights or blonde hair. I got you. I could not have. So it is just so obvious. Unnatural. That it's unnatural, that it's, that it is something done. Now that's fine.

Yeah, because look at me. Everyone knows I have gray hair on my sides and next week I'm not going to have gray hair on my sides. They'll know it's all fake. Well, that's because we're talking about it.

It's more about just like the brain knows that— well, by the way, if my hair goes gray, I'm dyeing it black. There we go. Like, it's not that I'm against, uh, but my— I'm dyeing it my natural hair color, right? And that will appear like my natural hair color. Now, if I do a big— if I dye my hair blonde, it's gonna be pretty clear that I dyed it. But that might be okay. That's fine for whoever wants to do that, but I like—

George has got, you know, George has these beautiful ringlets. It's Pené. Okay, yeah. And here's— there is very dark. I was noticing when I was FaceTiming the other day, he clearly has like a layer of blonde highlights. It looks really fun and radiant. Great.

Playful, I'm sure.

And it's clearly fake as hell. There's no way.

Yeah, he doesn't care about that. Yeah. Um, and a lot of people don't. A lot of people don't, and that's great. Like, do whatever you want. I'm just— I just mean, for me, for your brand, I don't think I feel comfortable with like having something very obvious obviously.

Okay, kind of like the shaved sides.

Yeah, not— it's not me.

Yeah, you're not taking big swings with your hair.

I've never taken—

what do you think your biggest swings are?

I would say with your fashion, probably, but even then I'm not taking huge swings. I don't take very many. I mean, no, I do. My big swings are in, um, my ability to confront people. Okay, that's your—

where you reserve of all your—

Those are where I take bigger swings than most people in. I'm not afraid to have a hard conversation with someone who other people might be afraid to. Right.

You know, looking at me super intense. Well, I just—

I do have hard conversations with you that I do think a lot of people would avoid. And that's, that's where I keep it. I keep it in my hair. I got you. So I'm not willing to— Well, and one time I got my hair cut cut when I was really little. Well, my mom did it, and it was a mushroom cut, and it looked horrible.

Yeah, mushroom cut. Very few people can pull off.

She didn't mean to make it a mushroom cut, but that's how it turned out. Yeah. And so I just cannot, you know.

Oh, so you're kind of reacting to a little bit of hair trauma? A little, I guess.

A little. And I do think if you can have long hair— I mean, not for everyone because it's hard to maintain. I guess, like, do it.

You did just bring up a grievance I have.

Oh, let's hear it.

And it's the least sympathetic grievance I, I could have. Okay, so I'm acknowledging that no one's going to feel bad for me. All right. But I am frustrated. The thing— so the thing you just said, like, you're not afraid to confront me, but other people—

just like you're not afraid to confront me and other people might be as well. It's both ways.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aside from that, I've had numerous examples on a in one of them, right? Where Anna said like, oh no, I thought— I was afraid you're gonna be mad. She's afraid of you. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, Anna, I mean, really, if we were around every tape ever, I've been nothing but like just so sweet to Anna. I know, it's not about that. And I was just talking to Delta about this because you had this intimidation factor that I don't feel like I deserve or earned. Yeah, yeah. Like, that people would be afraid of me. I'm like, that's not— it's a—

this is a slippery conversation. Oh, okay. Is it? I want— I mean, I'm happy to have it. I'm happy to have it, but I don't want us to get in a fight, and I'm a little worried.

Let's leave you and I out of it. I don't think we can. Well, I think we can, because I'm not addressing you and I, but I'm addressing other people that are afraid of me.

I know, but the people that are afraid of you— yeah, sometimes I think I've seen instances of you being a little— okay, I don't know how to— it's not— well, scary, I guess, to them. To them, right? But that—

I don't know if Anna has.

Uh, I mean, if we're just all in conversation and me and you are like doing a thing, that's intimidating. Oh, okay. That's like, I don't want that. I don't ever wanna be on the receiving end of that, I think is the way some people feel. Okay. If they've seen it or been around it, or also you just, you are someone who speaks their mind, as am I, and is not afraid to like enter a tricky conversation. Correct. Enter a fray. And what I've had to, learn is a lot of people don't want to do that. Oh sure. But that used to be hard for me to accept, that they didn't want to do it.

Yeah, you thought they did want to do it, they were just afraid to?

Well, all of it. It's just like, it's like, oh, like, if you think this, why wouldn't you just say it? Uh-huh. And then I would get like annoyed, right, at people not saying stuff when— and then like, but I'm like, but then I had to understand that not everyone wants to have conflict. Not everyone. In fact, most people don't.

Oh yeah.

And so they avoid it. And, um, uh, that's fine, you know. Yeah. And so I— yeah, I think that's what it is.

I think being big is part of it too, because often I think when I was talking about with Delta, it's like these little kids that come around, I'm so friendly.

Oh, are the little kids scared of you?

Yeah, I think in general a lot of the friends are afraid of me, um, which is my doing. Like, I got tattoos and I got big, so I'm gonna take a lot of responsibility. But I'm just like, I'm so— I think I'm so friendly.

Yeah, you are. But sometimes that's intimidating, to be friendly a little, because it's like, why is he so friendly? No, it's just like, oh, I have to talk now. Like, this person's engaging with me. So now I, I can't just like go sight unseen. Like, this person notices me. Yeah, yeah. And now I, I have to talk, and I'm a little kid and I don't really know how to talk to adults. I remember— I don't— maybe this has changed over time. I hope it has. But I used to be so intimidated by everyone's dad. Doesn't matter how big they were, what they looked like.

The role of dad.

Yeah, the role of dad was always intimidating.

Yeah, of course I don't want anyone to be intimidated by me. I, I want everyone to feel very, um, loved by me and comfortable.

And, and you also want people to understand that you aren't to be messed with, or your family isn't to be messed with. Baddies.

I don't care if baddies are intimidated by me.

No, but it's all part of your persona. Your persona is, I will not be fucked with. Like, I'll be nice to you, but if you cross a line, like, I'm killing you. Okay. To death. So— Killing you to death. Or if you say something about someone that I'm protective of, I'm killing you to death. So like, you know, there's some like, what's the line? What's the line I might accidentally step on?

Okay.

I don't know if the kids know about that, but Delta's friends.

Maybe they just can intuitively. They can intuit.

Spidey senses. I wonder if your tattoos do contribute.

But honestly, mostly this is probably my grievance against Ana where I'm like, sweet, sweet girl. I've been, uh, I just so loving. I can't imagine— I mean, put more effort into being like loving. You're very kind to her. The idea that she would be scared of me, that just hurts my feelings.

I'm sorry it hurts your feelings. I am, I am. I don't want your feelings to be hurt, and I hope you can understand, understand like I can. We got— we worked through it. You're a presence, Dax. You're, you're a presence.

Okay, I guess I'm over it. Yeah, I just— you understand what I'm saying? I do. I got the notion that someone would be afraid of me, someone like Anna.

But listen, okay, first of all, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, two things. All right, one, you've never been mean to Anna ever. And she doesn't think that. She doesn't think like, oh, Dax was mean to me, or anything. Like, I've never heard her say that. Yeah. Um, and then also, Anna is also not— you're putting her in a category of like, she's like such a big sweet baby. Like, she's not.

No, I don't think she's a sweet baby. She does cry very easily. She cries a lot. That's It's hard for me when people— when girls cry. So I— anytime girls cry, I'm, I'm like, I have no game plan anymore. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So she does cry a lot.

She's a Pisces.

I love it about her. I mean, she's a Cancer.

Oh my gosh, she'd be so mad if she heard me say she's Pisces. But she's a Cancer, um, and she does cry at the drop of a hat. Yeah, yeah. But she's tough.

Like, oh yeah, she'll be fine an hour later. Yeah.

And she's not crying about— sometimes she is crying about things that people say, um, or do, but like, you know, she can dish— she dishes it out. Yeah.

I don't think she's fragile. I don't think she's fragile at all. Not fragile. In fact, I think she's very robust.

I will tell you, so she, um, she made a mistake once. Okay. Um, for you two, you and Kristen.

Oh yeah, I already know.

You know what this is? Yeah, yeah, she made a mistake Yeah, and it was financially, it impacted you financially. Yeah. And she told me, you know, and so she's very stressed out about this. But then she said, then you made a point to tell her to not ever stress out about your money. And that was very kind. And she felt a little better.

I said the best use of money that could ever be is that the people I love can be happy from it. And so the notion that someone would be upset because of missing money, that's the whole reason to have it. So I don't— I refuse to let you be upset about this because I'm not mad. I would never get mad at someone I love over money. Well, yeah.

Oh. What?

I thought it was really sweet that you said that, and you— and you did— you did everything you could to make her feel totally better about that.

What are you smirking about?

Nothing. I just— I don't know, sometimes— sometimes I'm jealous. Okay. Sometimes I'm jealous of people who have honestly like a less— I don't want to say intimate, but kind of relationship with you. Like, I think, you know, I don't know. You think—

yeah, if I worked with Anna every day for 8 years and she blew a big chunk of money for Armchair Expert, is that what you're saying? Kind of. Well, I just— I would, I would address it.

I don't I think you always— and, and vice versa, ding ding ding. Um, for me, yeah, me to you in Dakota's hair. Dakota Johnson, vice versa. Um, I don't think we necessarily treat each other with the same level of like sweetness and kindness that we treat other people. Sure. That are less like Um, I, I mean, for important to me, people who are less important to me, I, I can treat better.

Well, yeah, which makes total sense. Like, the less impact someone has on your life, yeah, the, the less concerned you are about their behavior, because who cares? It's not going to affect you. Yeah, but yeah, if you run a business with somebody—

but it's more than that. It's like, it's more than that. It's You know, the history, the being there since the kids were 3 months old, the, you know, like the whole family element, the, the, it's deeper than that. Like it's, and I'm so happy about that, but it, I think it can come at a cost, but that's just like the way life is, I guess.

Yeah. I think if you cross this threshold that's not full siblings, but it's almost sibling-esque. Yeah. We're together way too much for me to ignore things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or yeah, and there's just like, okay, well, I've earned this. You know how I feel about you. Like, here's what you think in your mind. Like my siblings. Yeah. Like, I love my brother and my sister, and I'm gonna be there for them till we're all dead. Yeah. And so I'll tell them things that are harsher for sure than I'll tell anyone else because it's implicit, the safety of the relationship.

I know, and I think that's where there's sometimes a weird, like, a, um, extra hard layer for us, or for all me and the family, is like, there is the rela— that relationship, but there isn't the intrinsic safety. Like, it's, it's implied safety, it's a feeling of safety, but it's not biological. It's not, you know, which biologically also people don't— that doesn't always happen.

But I think it all depends too, like, what your own personal experience in life was. So it's like Aaron, him being my biological brother, would not make us closer, nor would it make our relationship more permanent. Like, it's just so fucking permanent. Yeah, we both know it. And yeah, we talk to each other differently. It's what I love about it, right? Is just like he knows I'm not judging him, right? And I'll just say whatever I observe, and vice versa. Dakota Fanning.

Oh my God, Johnson. Dakota Johnson. Yeah, it's a big vice versa episode.

Yeah, brought to you by Yellow and Vice Versa. Yeah, look, all of it, like everything in life, it's all trade-offs. So you take on more good and you take on more bad. You take on more, you know, closeness. I'm still to some degree seeing Anna's presenting teen self, right? You know? Yeah. Um, I don't see— I'm not with her 45 hours a week, so I don't really know Anna the way that her ex-girlfriend knows her, or Kristen knows her, or me. Yeah. Or you. Yeah. And yeah, I just think all these predictable things happen when you get super close to somebody. Yeah, that is true. And you're like, well, we no longer have like an acquaintanceship or a friendship. We're now like, we're coexisting. So if we're coexisting, we have to like call out— yeah, things that—

yeah, yeah, I know. It— yeah, it is. It's just trade-offs. It's, it's interesting. But yeah, you're very nice to her, all to say. And she shouldn't be— your feelings shouldn't— but your feelings shouldn't be hurt because she's also like, he's also my boss to an extent. And Kristen's boss, but, but I'm not.

I make that really clear.

Well, yeah, but also if you ask her to do something, she can't say no.

Which I don't ever ask her to do anything. Well, 2 or 3 times I've asked her to do something, I pay her on the side and I say like, you don't work for me.

I know, I know, but it's just part— you know what I mean? Like, it's a dynamic. Like, if you, if you ask her to do something—

I am her boss's husband.

If you ask her to do something, it's different than if I ask her to do something. Yeah, it just is. Yeah. And so there's gonna— that's just the way, you know, you know, again, but again, the time that I—

like, someone asked her to do something that shouldn't have asked her to do something, and I witnessed it, and that person got a talking to. But okay, I guess you should be intimidated by me. Yeah, yeah, just because, like, but it was a family member, so I didn't like get a talking to.

No one wants to get a talking to from Dad. That's just the way it goes.

Yeah. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

Speaking of family. Yeah. My brother proposed to his girlfriend. He did? Yeah.

Did he make a big thing of it? He did. He did. He did.

He took her to this nice restaurant and then he like had a whole thing, like these flowers. It was a whole to-do. Oh wow. He got down on one knee and he did it up and they're very happy.

Oh good, she said yes. She said yes. Okay, stressful. I'm glad he didn't do it at a sporting event. No, he wouldn't do that. I guess if you've already asked the woman, would you say yes? And she said yes, then you can do it at a sporting event. Oh. Not like when the woman's surprised and she has an entire audience waiting to see if she's gonna say yes or no. That's a— that's not a fair assessment. You don't have a real answer. They have to.

Yeah, the pressure. I know. I know. If anyone wants to propose me, do not. If you know me even a little bit, I hate audience participation. So if you ever— if you propose to me in a way that's public, I'm saying no.

Okay, that's just across the board.

No, you don't even know me.

Matt Damon asks you in public, he doesn't know me.

And what happened? Like, what happened with his life, you know?

Well, he's, he's single in this scenario. Okay, she left him. Oh good. Okay, yeah, yeah, he didn't— he wanted to stay with her forever. He's fine. He's okay. He's coming out of this smelling like roses. She's the bad guy. Cool. And then he asks you at a hockey game, a Boston Bruins game. He wants you to see his Boston Bruins. Okay.

Yeah. And we're on the cam.

Yeah, you're on the cam. Matt Damon and Monica Padman. Oh. Kiss cam. And then it turns into a proposal. Oh, all of this is a nightmare.

I'm saying no.

I always turned the non-kiss cam into a kiss cam when I would go to the Dodgers game with Peter Krause and my brother. Oh. Or anytime they would show us on the big screen just to say like, Parenthood's here, I would turn and try to kiss him as if it were the kiss cam.

That's very funny. Um, okay, I have, I have a situation that happened.

Oh, okay, great. It's been a while.

Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm prepping for your response. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So Jess and I went to a restaurant, Quarter Sheets. I probably shouldn't say it, but I said it. Pizza place? Yes. Love it. It's very hard to get in. You have— we have a whole routine where you stand in line, you put your name in. It's always like at least an hour. And then we go next door. We go next door, and there's a bar next door called Little Joy. Very cute. Okay. Um, we have a drink and chips. They sell chips there, like homemade? No, potato chips, like, um, the gas station.

Oh, okay, like Ruffles and Lay's.

Yeah, but like kind of the fancier Someone's like kettle. Okay. You know? And so they have different ones every time. It's very exciting. Anyway, we do that and then we go. So we did that the other day and we got to Quarter Sheets. There was a really nice couple next to us. And in fact, you know, we ordered, they were getting ready to leave. Like they were, got their check and we had ordered, we got these beans, they make the best beans. Beans, and they're always changing up the beans, and every time they're so good. Oh my God. So we're eating our beans, and we— and like, there's like this couple, and the, um, woman looks at us and she's like, oh my God, so sorry, we're just like stare— or just like staring and like gawking. And, and we were just like, I know, the beans are so good. We had this like little exchange. They were so nice. They left, right? We're continuing, and then the server comes, he moves that table over, so now So what happens is they make this big table. Uh-huh.

Party of what, 6, 8, 4? Uh, 4. Okay.

But the table's probably like for 6, okay? So then these people come in, 2 couples and their kids. So 2 couples each with 2 children. Mm-hmm. And they were little kids. Some were babies. And we looked over and they were all sitting and it was like cute. And you know, we were like, oh, I wonder like, Are they like in-laws or like what's going on? One of the babies was so cute. Like Delta level. Okay. It was wild.

And I really wanted to hold it. Once in a generation cute.

Yes. Yeah. And, and oh, so cute and small and whatever. Anyway, so we are like, you know, we, I, I, I will admit, I think, well, I will admit that I think we were looking like fair amount at, at this family and like they're being cute and they would like get up and like go and, you know, rock the baby and come back. One of the babies was feeding. One of the kids came around and I said hi to one of the kids. Okay. All this is going on. Yeah. We're enjoying our meal. It's great. And at the end we paid and the server brought us this cookie and they said, "It's from them." Oh. And I was like, oh my gosh, that's so nice. And this is so embarrassing, but I have to admit it. Of course, I thought they were a fan of the show. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I was like, oh my God, that— and they were like, because— and she said, because all the kids, right? And I was like, oh, oh. And Jess and I both were like, no, no, no, that was totally fine. You didn't need to do that.

And like one of the dads was like, no, like it's okay. Like, yeah, no problem. But like didn't really— wasn't like trying to like really engage. Stage, just like, you're welcome, kind of like be done with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what we kept being like, oh my gosh, like, we're like, I really hope like your fam, like your family's so cute. We were talking about how cute your kids are. And, um, and Jess was like, yeah, like we're just single over here. Uh-uh. And you know, there's kind of some laughter. And then we were leaving and again, I was like, thanks again so much. You really didn't have to do that. And we both left and he was like, that was weird. And I was like, it was weird. The moms were mad at us. They would not look at us when all this was going on. And like, I was like trying, you know, I was like trying to engage. I mainly was looking at one mom. He mainly was looking at the other. So he was talking about this lady and I was talking about this lady experiencing the exact same thing.

Uh-huh. And I was like, Wait a minute. Is this some sort of like resentment cookie? Like they thought we were judging them, so they got us this cookie to make, like to abate the situation, but they were actually just, they were mad that we were upset, but we weren't upset. Uh-huh, yeah. And then I hated this cookie. Oh, okay.

But you had already eaten it?

No, I didn't eat it.

Oh, you were taking it to sit.

Sitting in my kitchen. Okay. Yeah, it was wrapped. Oh, okay. And I felt weird because I was like, oh my God, how is it that now we feel bad when we didn't— we really did not. The reason I know we didn't do anything wrong is because we didn't have any bad thoughts. Yes, sure, sure. We actively— we were not like, oh my God, there's like so many kids here or anything. I— they were so cute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially the little one. Yeah, yeah, they're the cutest.

Want to hold it. Yeah. So I didn't like—

me— well, first of all, I, I do this all the time. Okay. So like when I go out to Bricktops and it's the kids and we've got a party of 9 and I know we're loud, I often buy the people that are directly next to us's dinner. That's sweet. I do that all the time. But you don't resent them? Often they'll go, oh no, and I go, Oh no, it's fine. That exchange can go on too long. Well, that's because you're famous. Well, no, just like, I don't want to debate whether you, you like, you earned it or I shouldn't have done it or whatever. It's just like, I just want to go like, hey, thanks for being a good sport. I know we were loud. And then if you're kind of like, no, I reject it. No, I loved it. And at some point I want to go, well, what do you like? What are we debating now? Whether you should like 'You want them to refund my card? Now you pay.' Like, maybe, maybe they just wanted you to go like, 'Thanks,' and to be done with it, and didn't want to have to beg you to take it or convince you.

We didn't say like, 'Take it back,' or 'We'll buy you one now.' Like, it wasn't like a whole thing. Like, it was just like, 'Oh my God, no.' Okay, that was— it wasn't an issue. Like, they were apologizing and we were saying it was unnecessary.

You don't need to apologize. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, let me tell you something about quarter sheets if you're gonna go there. Okay. Um, this was our table, right?

Okay, you're there. Here. Okay, so they're— and that's not an exact— yeah, yeah. So for Monica, for the listener, we're talking 12 inches. Yeah, 18 if that.

Like, I walk— had to walk through sideways to get out of the booth.

This is like me at the fight on Saturday. You got stuck. I was next to a linebacker. Oh, Jared Verse. Were you scared? No. Oh, but I was like, this couldn't be more inconvenient. We're in folding chairs that are butted up next to each other. Had a, had a dainty woman been next to me, we would have been touching shoulders. But I had a real linebacker from the LA Rams and I sitting next to each other. Then Ryan, not small. Then Barry Bonds. Oh my God, probably the most jacked baseball player of all time. Wow, that's cool. It's great. Yeah, it's exciting. There wasn't enough room for all of us. So we had to choreograph and coordinate. Like, they— Ryan and the linebacker would lean forward for a while and watch the fight. Okay. And then they'd want to come back, and then that was my cue to lean forward. And then Barry Bonds was following suit. So there was like all this—

was it spoken or unspoken?

All unspoken. Okay. But of course, because I was touching this man for 3 hours this gorgeous linebacker. He's so good-looking, Monica. Wow. I mean, so good-looking. I'm like, this dude's 25. Oh wow, he plays for the Rams. He's this good-looking. That's cool. What a good time that must be. I was very friendly and talking quite a bit, maybe more than he bargained for. Yeah, but I was like, we are snuggling. Yeah, let's chat a little bit.

He's used to being touched. He's a football player.

His butt in particular.

Yeah, they touch each other's butts and then they— oh yeah, very handsome. Very—

you gotta see his smile though, it's so infectious. That's not a good picture of him because he's chewing on a piece of plastic. But what was I going to tell you about him? I was gonna— oh, he's on a— he's trying to, um, eat non-processed food. Oh wow. Because I offered them some of my caramel corn I had gotten and he said he wasn't fucking with sugar. And I was like, how long you been off sugar? He's like, 36 hours. But In general, I try not to eat Russ's food. I was like, look at this young man. He's 25. He's work, you know, he's conscious of his health.

He has to, it's his job.

And he's gotta put on weight. Like linebackers are supposed to keep on a lot of weight. Yeah.

So a lot to deal with. Yeah. It was exciting. Anywho, so the closeness, you were very sitting very close to him. Yeah. To a linebacker. As I was to this family. Yeah. And so you couldn't really just be like, thanks. And then like turn your head.

It had— it required a little more follow-up. And I really can't see— I can't make an argument where they're mad at you guys. I know, like, it just doesn't—

no, I can, I can. Like, the— they're like, stop staring, stop staring at us. Or, yeah, we have kids. Like, that's— this is what happens. You have kids. Yes, I felt that they were defensive. And then I created a scenario where the husbands are the ones that sent the cookie. Okay. Okay. Which would be very unconventional.

I'll just say that's—

I know, but the husbands were the ones, they were mainly sitting the whole time. Uh-huh. And the wives were like up and about. Up and about. Up and back. And so they put, maybe, okay, this is maybe what happened. Okay. Maybe the husbands were like, hey, maybe just like, don't get up. Like, don't, 'cause you're bothering them or something, you know? And then they're like, well, we have to, like, we have to take care of these children.

You might have stumbled into a little conflict between them.

Exactly. And so then they sent the cookie, and then like, you guys, we weren't doing anything fucking wrong.

You don't need to apologize. We're just handling the kids. Maybe they were mad at their husband.

Yep. And then they send this cookie over reiterating that they had— everyone had done something wrong. So then they were the mad—

full vixen. They're like, my husband's sending fucking cookies to this hot chick next to me.

They're like, why did you She's a known cookie boy. Literally, I am a cookie boy. But they like, why did you do that? We— nothing. They— we didn't do anything wrong. You didn't need to do that. Okay. And then they sent their resentment at us. And so I had to throw the cookie away because it's laced with poison.

Oh my God, mental poison. Okay, it wasn't just you were full?

No, I took it home.

I know, I know you took it home, but why didn't you eat it?

I could have eaten it any day.

I, I—

you really didn't want to eat it cuz it felt—

yeah, it felt weird. Oh, uh, not jinxed. I didn't feel jinxed.

I just looked at it and I got annoyed.

I got annoyed by the cookie because I was like, now I feel bad and I should not feel bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when you were planning, before you laid out the story, you're like, I'm anticipating your response. Yeah. And what do you— what would you think my response would be?

I thought you were gonna be like, well, yeah, like, moms are going through a lot. And, and, and, you know, they probably felt judged. I thought you were gonna do a lot of defense of them. Them. Okay. Which, like, again, I was not judging them. Yeah, they were beautiful women. Were they? Yeah. Yeah. And then, like, the daughter was so cute. One, um, yeah. Okay. Yeah, they were. All right. Okay. They were, they were. The whole thing was beautiful. Beautiful.

Yeah.

Everyone was pretty, everyone was hot, the kids were so cute. Like, it was a great— yeah. And then I started to do that. I'm like, now I feel bad. I don't even have a husband or children. And like, some of your own personal stuff came up. So probably— I probably can't have them. And like, now I feel bad. Excuse me, you have this beautiful child. Like, yeah. So I got upset.

Yeah, well, my response is only, how do I alleviate your upsetness? Yeah. And then my solution to alleviate it is like the oldest fight we have nonstop, so it's not even worth, you know, suggesting, which is just, I don't like the idea that strangers have sometimes control of your emotions. That's what I don't like.

I know, I know you don't like that. That's like the— I understand.

That's the part where I get protective of you, and then it, it always ends up where I'm angering you more. So no, you're, you're not. But, but I don't like that anybody has any control over your Injustice Fund night out. I know. To get Pizza.

That's all I don't like. But when he— so he— the fact that he said it first, he is so oblivious to this type of thing. Yeah, the fact that he said it, he was like, that was something was weird.

And I was like, but I think you're— if, if any of that was— if you guys read that correctly, yeah, my money would be fully on, yes, some tension between the husbands and wives. Not, not, not you guys. Well, you're like immaterial. They, at this point, they just want to ignore this whole situation. Happens, right? It's not towards you, it's, it's towards their husbands.

Husbands. Or, or us though, like, oh, these single people like don't understand what it's like, and it's, it's hard for us. Like, and it is hard for them. They are having to get up and go and hop up.

It's taking little kids to a restaurant is a beatdown.

It is a beatdown. And what I wanted to be like is like, I know, like, I don't know because I don't have them, but I've also been to a million restaurants with, with kids, and I've taken kids to restaurants by myself, I feel for you right now. I know that that is hard. I don't feel put upon, right? Um, and but I don't want to feel bad for existing, right? Right.

Um, but you know, I'm over it. Just got over it.

Yeah, just got over it. But it's hard. I think like families are— everyone's having a hard time. Life's challenging. Life's challenging for every That's right, for everyone. And I got this bruise and I don't know why.

You're not sure where that came from? No. Okay.

All right, let's do some facts. This is for—

I just want to remind everyone about our presenting sponsor, Yellow. Yes, that's right.

Let's circle back.

You know what's happened since we interviewed Jack McBrayer? What? Our family has become obsessed with Zillow Gone Wild, and we're actually all caught up now. We're in season 3, which is airing now. There's only 3 episodes out. Oh, and we watched 2 of them last night, so we know that there's only one for us, and we like to do 2 in a row.

So you're gonna wait, but it's—

it is— it has replaced— it's been the salve of Million Dollar Secret not being around. It's our current show. We love it, Monica. I'm in trouble a lot while we watch it. Oh, why? Because it's Zillow Gone Wild. You're seeing a lot of choices. Sure. And I have a lot of opinions about the choices. But aren't they kind of— they're wild choices by wild. They're on the show because they're pretty wild. But some of them are very cool. Yeah. Um, what I'm more— well, first of all, the people are very interesting because anyone who's going to like turn their house into a pirate ship, yeah, you know, they're unique. Of course. And then, oh, this is great, you'll relate to this because this has sometimes been our friction. I think when I notice things, it comes across as me being mean, judging judgmental.

Judgmental or mean? Yeah, we have gotten in.

Yeah. Oh, is it happening? Yes, because I'm like, oh, notice they blank, and I hear Dad, and I'm like, wait, so it's from the kids?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, Dad.

And I'm like, hold on a second, guys. First of all, this person's not here.

Yeah, that's a big defense of yours. Yeah, it's true.

Like, this, this person doesn't have any sense that I've said anything, observed anything about them. Yeah. And I'm not name-calling. No, no, I'm just like, oh, that's an interesting move, or whatever.

Yeah, that's unique. Unique is the word I like. Remember, you know the word I don't like? Weird.

You hate weird. That's why I specifically just said unique. Yeah, yeah.

But do you say weird when you're watching with them?

No, I'm on high alert with them too, just like you. I have to—

I, I, I thank God for them that they are also representing me.

Yeah, I think my thing, like, what is the thing that gets triggered in me? The thing with me is some kind of baggage, which is like, acknowledging reality isn't mean. Like, reality can be mean. Yeah, uh, the world's implicitly mean in some sense, but pretending certain things don't exist in reality to me feels very dishonest. Honest. Yeah. And not realistic. It's not how anyone thinks. It's like I say the thing that I know they were thinking but you're supposed to not say, right? And that just feels disingenuous and it's like, what are we talking about?

But some— okay, but there's a scale. Like some people aren't thinking.

You miss a lot of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, but I blame your eyes for that. I think some of it is just your eyes, not your character.

Maybe, maybe some of that is true.

Like we were watching someone infamously where this really came Joe had. They had an enormous tongue, right? To the degree where I was like, I'm— I can feel their struggle of trying to keep their tongue in their mouth, and it's like stressing me out.

Aware of the tongue? Yeah. And I was like, I didn't notice it. No, even when you pointed out, I was like, what? What do you mean?

And here's the spectrum, right? It's like, you didn't notice, I noticed and said something, Kristen noticed but hadn't said anything. But so when— yeah, when, when I said this, she's I was like, yeah, I've been watching it too. And then you were like, that's so mean. Also, what are you talking about?

It was mean to me because I was like, oh my God, you, you are— I, I think, well, it obviously triggers that people are nitpicking. Yes, they're looking at everything that's wrong with me and they notice it, and I already feel that way. And like, so I, I really, I don't, I I don't really do that physically.

Now I do do it. Yeah, you're watching Couples Retreat or Couples Therapy, and I'm sure you have all kinds of—

oh God, I'm first to note a personality thing, and I'm, I'm very fast on it. Like, oh, this person is this, this person's doing this, this person's crazy, this person— I do that all the time. But physically, I really don't do that. And I maybe, as you said, it's not my character, but it is my trauma. And it is my reality.

Like, I don't notice. Yeah, you don't notice. There's been a few whammies where we've been observing something, I'm like, you did not notice the guy had an eye patch on, you know, or something like that.

This is the notorious story with Callie. I was talking about a girl and she was like, oh, the one with the lazy eye? And I was like, no, right? And she was like, yeah, she has a very substantial lazy eye.

You're, you're like Nate in that way. Remember my famous ones? Like, Nate's roommate had Tourette's. Very visible and active Tourette's. Oh my God. And lived with him for a very long time. And then I said, not in a mean way, just simply inquiring, like, so-and-so has Tourette's. Like, have they shared it all with that thing? You know what it's like to— I noticed they don't have it when they're performing. That's fascinating.

He was like, what?

He literally was like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, what are you talking about? You live with this person. I know everyone No one here knows this but you somehow, and you live with the person. I guess it's a beautiful quality.

It— I don't know where it comes from, but it is real. It is real.

And then, like, do you think any of your friends have massive Tourette's and you've missed it?

Uh, they could.

Yeah, you seem to know my tics pretty well. They're not getting by.

They're not, and neither are Jess's. He would join you there. But anyway, Anyway, um, okay, yeah, so, so whatever you commenting on that was quote mean to them, like, can you give an example?

I mean, I'm afraid that the person would know I was talking about them, in which case then it would be mean. So I don't know, the house or them generally? Them? Oh, well, I mean, I got a lot to say about the house too, you know. Sure. I think what's, what's, what's regularly on the table with this show is— and it's sweet, ultimately it's sweet, but it's delusional. A lot of these people are trying to get millions of dollars for these houses that, like, they're the only people in the world that want to live in them. It's so specific. Yeah, someone's going to have to definitely go in and, like, rip most of everything out.

Yeah, but it's like their heart and soul.

It's their heart and soul, and it's sweet. But I'm also like, when they show the thing at the beginning, it's like, this many square feet on this much property in this state, $3.8 million. I'm I'm like, guys, I just can't help it. I'm like, guys, they're gonna get $380 grand for this. Like, that's the real— I also feel some obligation to let my kids know what, like, market value—

but that's not mean. That can be mean to them.

Really? Yeah, they love it, you know. But both can be true.

It's like, it's not—

again, I don't think it's mean. It's a certain reality. Like, 2,400 square feet in the middle of New Mexico, 300 miles from a town.

Oh, but Jack, are you saying like, oh my God, this dump? And then no, you're like, okay, I'm going, that house is really worth $270,000.

Okay, well, yeah, you know, like, that's just the truth.

The truth is the truth, but sometimes you add color to the truth.

Well, that might happen more. Well, then yes. So then some of the houses, I'm just getting physical anxiety imagining being in the house because it's so— there's so much going on. It feels like that's a bad acid trip, right? It's just like a million doodads everywhere, and there's not a single plain wall you could like look at and calm yourself. Yeah. And so I will be expressing like, they'll go to the bathroom, like, oh, like I physically am like, I can't imagine sitting in that room, right? Dad. Oh, you know, it's sweet. You're right, it's great. Every place is great for them. Oh, that's not true, that's not true. They're discerning, cuz at the end of each episode, you're gonna vote— they vote on the show what was the most extreme house. And so we have favorites, and then we're pulling for certain ones. Some incredible tree houses and stuff.

They're aware of people. Like, I—

yeah, yeah, they're not naive. You know what it is? And this is a great, great thing. I think for them, if like it were quarterbacks of famous football teams' houses we were going through, and it was something saying about it, that'd be fine. But these are often really kind of introverted, cute people, and they just rather— I get it. They're like the notion that they're tender and fragile, and the notion that anyone saying anything critical would be overwhelming to them, and they feel protective of those people through the television set.

That's how I feel.

And I go, but guys, there's no toilet in that floor.

I know, but remember when we we got in a fight because you did a voice of somebody. Okay. And, and I said, I said, well, probably we don't know what the person sounds like, but you, by looking at them, gave them a voice. Oh, sure, sure. And I said, Dax, that's so mean. And then you gotta look, here's the other thing, it's like you are funny and you make jokes and you do things like that, but then You're also very sensitive. So then if someone then says like, that's mean, you feel like I'm not mean. Like you get defensive.

'Cause you're like, 'cause I never in person, 'cause you don't want to make someone feel bad to be a mean person. Right.

And in real life, I know you're not a mean person. You are not a mean person.

But in the safety of my bedroom, I do wanna comment. I know. On this person's wardrobe.

Right. And so, but in that same way, that person that you gave the voice to, I felt It was a fragile person, you know.

So yeah, but their voice probably sounded like it did.

It probably did, but like, who cares? Who cares? Okay, um, is the movie called Making County Line? Yes, that is a movie. 1974, action crime, only an hour and 29 minutes. You know, that's my kind of movie.

Yeah. Yeah, you hate anything over 155.

I love a short movie. Oh, he said he was going to send us photos of his closet, but I doubt he did. Did he?

He didn't send me anything. I don't think he likes me anymore after that interview. I think this is one of the first— generally people come in here and maybe I think I'm not gonna like them, we become friends. This is the first time like a friend came in and I don't think he likes me anymore. No, he does. I'm pretty sure he does.

Of course he does. He just doesn't— he just doesn't want to be interviewed.

Interviewed? Yeah, that's fair.

Okay, Chicago— the Chicago heat wave of 1995, 739 people died. That's crazy. I know. 5-day period. Scary.

That's over 100 a day.

Oh my God, it peaked at 126 degrees. What, in Chicago? Yeah. Rob, what were you doing then?

I don't, I don't remember that at all.

Do you think maybe you were on vacation?

He was laying bare naked on his sheets with a fan on him. He was a baby and he was constantly getting aroused. Ew, no, that's what was happening.

He was a child.

No, how old is he? Years old? Inappropriate. I was picturing 16.

It was in '95. '97. It was '95. Um, maybe your parents took you out of town. Yeah, maybe because it was in July.

You probably had great air conditioning, didn't even know it. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, okay. Was, uh, Jeff Richmond the SNL music director? Um, yeah, he's the music director for SNL and then 30 Rock, um, and then a lot of other shows too.

I think he might have done Baby Mama's—

oh, probably score. It's not list— oh yeah, yeah. Wow, ding ding ding! In 2008, he composed a score to the film Baby Mama, which starred Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and Dax Shepard. It doesn't say that. No, but I'll add it. It says citation needed. I'll add it. I'll add it.

More attorney in that too. I bet there's some people that would come before me.

I think you'd be next. Is Greg Kinnear in it? Yeah, both of you would be next. The Kinnears.

Steve Martin's in in it. Oh shit, small part. Small part.

Well, there are no small parts. Okay, how many people are deficient in vitamin D? Everyone. It does say globally about 1 billion people. So in the United States, estimates of deficiency widely vary from 30% to over 60% of adults.

I feel like it's the most common thing people find out when they start doing lab work.

I know, I almost don't— I'm like, if everyone is, then no one is.

I got mine straight. Mine was in the toilet. There's also this chicken and the egg thing, which is, does low vitamin D cause inflammation, or does the inflammation, uh, deplete your ability to process and hold vitamin D? So for a long time they were looking at as the cause, and now some people think it is the result.

Interesting. Um, okay, is finagle French for favor? Um, no, no way. No, you said that as a joke. As a joke. Yeah, but the origin of the word Fennagle. It emerged as American slang in the 1920s. It likely derives from an older English and Irish dialect word, fenang, which means to cheat at cards or renege on a promise.

Aha. That word renege makes my children uncomfortable. Me too, I don't like it either. Yeah, we were playing spades last night at dinner at a restaurant and I said, oh, you just accidentally reneged. And they were like, what did you say? And they've heard it before. Oh no. Yeah, it's a dicey. Yeah, it's really— yeah, I know, I know it is. Oh my God, there was a crazy moment I saw. Theo Von had Tyson, Mike Tyson, on a live show. Oh cool, they did a live show. Okay, and Tyson made him say the n-word. He was not taking no for an answer. What? Yes, I was like, geez Louise, what is— what happened in this situation?

What was the context. What was it?

I, I dropped in pretty— it was mid— it's so strange. Yeah, he's like, just say it. He's like, come on, say it.

Oh my God.

Yeah, he was like— he was bullying him. And, and you're— and it's Mike Tyson, you know, you gotta—

he could eat your—

you gotta be careful. You gotta kind of do whatever he says.

Well, you could hold your own. You could hold that's your boundary. Like, sir, please, I am not comfortable saying that.

I don't like that word, sir.

Yeah, that's how you say it. That's how you hold your boundary.

I can see why Tyson did it. I can see being in that situation and doing that. He's so provocative.

I mean, my God, he just can't stop himself. Tyson?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's a one of a kind. This is, uh, you know, again, you don't get all, you know, you'll be there like the fucking most decisive punch thrower in the history of boxing. Yeah. And then you also went to a finishing school, you know.

You probably don't get all those at once. No, no.

And, and that is a result of him being like really overweight as a kid and being terribly bullied and his pigeons being killed. I mean, just a terrible childhood.

I mean, I don't think he's, um, I don't think he should have gone to finish— I don't think anyone needs to go to finishing school, but I also don't think you should force someone to say the N-word, right?

Right, unless you're— you're— he's entertained by it and it's his right to do whatever he wants because he's the one who has to deal with it.

Like, in an audience, like, yeah, that's like—

I'm not saying Theo should have. I'm saying I understand. He's like, I'm the one who gets to say this.

He gets to say it.

Yeah. And he gets to say, now I want you to say—

I know, but, but it's mine. But no one can force Anyone to do something they don't want to do, correct?

Okay, unless it's to save their own life, then it gets a little murky.

But yeah, okay, well, yeah, if they're like—

if he's like, I don't want this oxygen mask, you're like, shut the fuck up, I'm gonna shove it on your face.

It's true, there are exceptions.

There are very few. Okay, okay, all right, love you.