Transcript of Hannah Berner New

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

Hi.

Today we have Hannah Berner on. Hannah is a stand-up comedian and a bestselling author. She has a book called How to Giggle.

Yes.

Based on her wonderful podcast, Giggle Squad with Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo. She has a new stand-up special now streaming on Hulu called None of My Business. And, uh, Babers is doing a TV show with her. She's got a lot happening. It's exciting stuff, and I just adore her. She was so fun.

Yeah, she was.

Also ex-professional tennis player, which is—

we get into that, and it's really, really—

professional's the right word, but college Division I elite, serious business. Please enjoy Hannah Berner.

Found him. Hello.

Hi. Well, that's bad. 7 minutes. I'm so sorry. But maybe you'll understand because I've just recently learned you also have some ADHD time management issues.

Oh, well, I'm sure we'll get into it.

I just got to catch up on a lot of important emails.

No, it's very glass half full. I appreciate that.

Actually, I thought it was a little intimidation. I was like, they're icing me. They know I came in and looked— no, but actually, I have to admit to you guys, I'm a little nervous. I was all calm and ready, and then I got to thinking, I was like, you don't have any stories. Who are you?

You have no personality, no history.

A while, but like since like 2006 when like I had to give a handjob for the first time. Like, I haven't—

whoa, that's a long time, 20 years.

No, I've been nervous before, but this is so exciting. I'm so honored to be here.

Whoa, we're so flattered.

That's incredibly flattering.

You guys make podcasting cool.

Oh, as do you. Yeah, we both, I think, share award. Did you guys win the iHeart Podcast of the Year this year?

We did. I think it was a little bit of a made-up award.

Well, yeah, tell me why.

Awards are made up. Yeah, I can't accept it. I'm like, that was a great brand promo.

Well, hold on, are you on iHeart?

No.

Okay, so I'm trying to find who would have bought this.

Exactly.

But they were like announcing The Daily, Amy Poehler, and I'm looking at Paige, I'm like, we're not fucking winning this. And she's like, they wouldn't have invited us to come all the way here. We literally were fighting during— Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, the award is nice.

I think it's a very legitimate award. We want it too.

This isn't a stupid art form. I was like an athlete, like you knew who the winner was.

This is—

this is just people having fun. Also, I'm not gonna like see the Daily people and be like, hey losers, right? Maybe better next year, be more fact-checky.

Poor Daily.

That was my hot take for the Golden Globes. I was like, it's so flattering. And also, if Malcolm Gladwell's not nominated, I don't know what this category means.

Oh yeah, Amy Poehler's chat on NPR, that was great. Yeah.

What did she say?

Well, she was like, NPR, try harder next time, you losers.

Oh, yeah.

No, congrats to us.

Yeah, absolutely. The year that we won, we had beaten Dr. Death, which was among my top 3 podcasts I've ever heard in my life. Did you listen to Dr. Death?

No, because I'm a bad listener.

Okay.

Interesting.

I'm a bad listener.

Because of the ADHD?

Probably. I also, after I stopped my 9-to-5 job, I don't have that morning routine where you like listen to a podcast. So it's a lot of me.

Do you not exercise?

You don't have to attack me right when I come.

We jump really—

Last Friday, shaming me the second I get here.

I understand you don't have a commute, so you wouldn't listen to it there. I'm just going through the top categories of listeners. It's like they're on a commute, so you listen.

I call my mom a lot.

You do? Like how frequently?

Too much. She's like, hey, the nest is— you got to get out.

This is Lenore, the jazz singing principal.

I'm obsessed with people who do research. Like, you guys are real journalists. I don't care what people say.

We're real journalists.

Shout out to Lenore if she's listening.

You don't call Dan?

You know, my dad, my best friend, my tennis coach.

Oh, he was?

We're like connected. We're like, I don't even have to talk to him. He'll like randomly send me a text like, if you're having a tough day, I love you. I'm like, goddammit, Dad. Where my mom, I'm like, should I get this salad or the chicken fingers? And she's like, leave me alone. I'm like, does birth control work?

So you're multiple times a day with her?

Yeah, that's really sweet.

For how long at an interval?

Great question. She's a badass. She was a principal of a public middle school in Brooklyn, New York. P.S. 51.

P.S.

51, as they say.

It's a hardcore—

I don't know that, but it's hardcore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she's just right about everything. So in life, if you have someone in your family who's smarter, more experienced, why am I trying to figure it out?

That's very wise of you, actually.

I know what I don't know. I just learned that we're opposites, but since getting married. First guy I've ever dated who's really smart.

Congrats. It's—

I've been through the CTE. I've done it now.

And really quick, is it Des or Des?

It's Desmond, right?

I know that part, but the D-S.

Des is like a short in Ireland. They say Des.

Okay, great. So Des.

Desmond does sound like a linebacker for the Packers.

He does. He's all fucked up. He was born here, then grew up in Ireland.

At 14, he was drinking, being naughty. His parents kick him out and he jokes to the World Series of drinking Ireland because they had some family there. Continues partying. Sure. Sober by 19. I don't know, it's interesting to me when people are sober.

Has he been sober since 19? Wow.

He's 50 now.

I know, I'm 11 months older than him. He's November? Yes.

Yeah, my Scorpio.

Okay, he's also sober for one second.

We love that.

You had a little panic about like, is it December?

It is. I know, I was like, my whole marriage is riding on this.

He's been sober 31 years.

That's why I dated a lot of addicts. I love how we're getting right into it. Yeah, that's what we do. That's how we are, you guys. That's just how—

that's us. Yeah, we don't know how else to be.

We really don't know how.

When an addict falls for you, there's no other attention like that. When they fucking lock eyes with you and you're their, like, new source of—

you're their addiction.

Yeah, it's incredible. But, but I've realized you want to be with a guy who's been sober for, like, an extended period of time.

Probably. Yeah. Wait, wait, you learned because you had someone, like, a and then it went sideways?

I've done the sober, Cali sober. Yeah. Or then he, like, calls me. He's like, I have to tell you something. There's a reason you haven't seen me in 2 weeks.

Oh my God.

Yeah. And I never smoked a cigarette.

Right. Because you're an athlete.

Because I was an athlete. I think in my past life I was an addict. So I'm like, why play with that?

Oh, okay.

Like, what am I going to do, try cocaine in my 30s and then be like, I like cocaine and I'm addicted to cocaine in my 30s?

No. Well, there's just a little bit of ground between trying and an addict. Malcolm Gladwell book. Over 90% of people who try cocaine don't become addicted.

But you're saying you might— you sense that you might— it's like in you.

I'm addicted to comedy. I'm addicted to things. So I'm like, why test it? Because the best part of it becomes that you like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You remind me so much of my best friend Pené, because he was like hardcore athlete, baseball, Division I, the whole thing. Never drank once in his life, never had a cigarette. And then that whole part of his life was over. But he's like, why would I do that now? I've already proven I'm maniacal about things when I like them. So I'm impressed. I'm just like, I'm here once. Let's try everything.

Yeah.

I always say the worst thing is you have a horrible night and then the best thing is like, now you could have a problem. But actually my bachelorette party in 2022, my friends were like, do one, one hit of cocaine.

One bump. A little bump. One hit.

Such a loose— What is it?

One spoonful?

One teaspoon?

One glass? One glass of cocaine? Such a loose—

And I was like, okay, I swear to God, it was the end of the bachelorette. We're like in our pajamas, just like, you know, hotel. I was like, let's do it. Yeah, yeah. Immediately got a nosebleed. Like, the blood just slowly came out, and my friends were like, not fun, you ruined it.

Yeah, scary.

And I was like, sorry, I'm so pure, I can't do this.

What do you drink?

I love eating. If you're at a meal, I'm like, so if I drink that drink, the chicken parmesan's not going to hit as well. Oh, and I get like tired. I get sleepy when I'm drunk.

Sure, sure.

I lose all my wit. I'll start a conversation and just start laughing at myself. I don't get cooler when I'm drunk.

That's why I didn't like weed is the one thing I have to offer is I'm like orally dexterous and I'd get high and be like, I'm not sure I'm making a point right now. I'm pretty sure no one's following me. My superpower is gone and now I just have a big nose and a weak chin.

I would look in the mirror and be like, is my face round or oval? Like, that was my joke. And then I'd think everyone's mad at me.

So I ruined parties when I do the alcohol and the drugs and the alcohol. I got to go back to the cocaine.

The one bomb.

Where was the Bachelor party? Obviously Miami.

Oh, Jaw Rule came out. It was the greatest, greatest weekend. And I'm not a partier. I told my friends, I was like, maybe we go to a farm and we pet animals. My friends are like, no. Yeah, yeah, we're going to a strip club.

Yeah, when I'm not taking the weekend off work and all this shit to go fucking pet horses.

And I'm like, was one of my early friends to get married, so they weren't tired yet. Like, I was like the first friend to have a bachelorette party. So the girls were like, this is like The Hangover.

Yeah, they wanted to fuck fast.

Where now when people say they have a bachelorette, you're like, I missed the email. Like, I'm so sorry. I know. I start making up legs I don't have.

You were in Miami, and was it fun restaurants or were there nightclubs?

It was fun restaurants, actually. Shout out to a friend of the pod, not to name drop. Yeah, let's do it, please. Marcelo was there.

Oh my God, you guys were doing—

oh my God, you go to a Getty?

A Getty?

I don't want to take credit for anything Marcelo's done because he's a star and he's always been a star.

However, this was pre-SNL for him, right?

Yeah, we're hanging out at the stand.

He might have got you unengaged.

I know, he's a killer. He is.

I know Marcelo as the sweetest, driven, creative— he's a guy's girl. He's just hanging out with the girls, like, gossiping, having fun.

That's why it's hot!

But I was telling him about the bachelorette, and he's like, "You're coming to Miami?" Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he slides me, like, a list of all the things, and he goes, "I might be around. Just let me know." So when I'm there, I'm just trying to have fun, and I text him, like, "I'm in Miami." How had you met him? We'd be in the clubs.

Doing stand-up.

Yeah, I didn't know him well enough to have him at my bachelorette, but immediately you're like, "Get in here!" Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wanted him to walk out of this interview into my house and just live there. I text my friends, and I just want my friends to have fun.

I get stressed if other people aren't having fun. Like, at one point no one was talking to me. Everyone was just talking to everyone else. I was like, good, I'll just— I'll go fuck myself because at least my friends had to pay to be here.

This is your codependency back to loving Adam.

So I text Marcelo because like he's just a bottle of fun and I'm like, where are we going? What are we doing? We're at a club. He gets my face up on it.

Oh wait, he got your face up on like a screen at the club?

He used some guy.

Wow, he really— he's like a fixer. Yeah, a Miami fixer.

But then I realized He was my Domingo. Like, yeah, who's the guy at your bachelorette? I'm like, that's Marcelo, he's just organizing.

Who's that impossibly charming, disarmingly non-threatening, yet you're horny guy you're with?

So not threatening. So it was like us and Marcelo running around Miami. And yeah, that was pre-SNL and it was such a fun time. And now my friends will be like, is that the guy that was in the pool?

Did anyone hook up with him?

Oh well, I Not you.

I did.

I was telling people that I was like, this guy's gonna blow up, you gotta get him.

Get in on the basement floor.

Get him when the stock is low.

Because now he's dating a gorgeous Yale lawyer, like architect. So sorry, gals. Yeah. Really messed out.

That's okay, life is long.

I told myself I wouldn't be with a comedian. Oh. But I'm married to a comedian.

Oh boy, okay.

Des, Desmond.

Yeah.

How did he return to the States? Was his parents are like, okay, you can come home?

Good question. I feel like someone needs to call the government, figure that out. No, but he stayed there and actually fell in love with comedy there. I was kind of like, this is my new home. He got on a TV show where he did like a documentary series, and it was back then where like if you were on a TV show, everyone watched it on one channel.

Sure. Yeah, there was like BBC 1, 2, and 3. Take your pick.

1.5. Yeah, yeah. And he goes out and everyone suddenly knew who he was, so he became a really successful comedian in Ireland and lived this great fun life without me because he's selfish. And then he, during COVID came back.

Does he long for it? Does he want you guys to spend time?

Ireland— he's going there for a bit. It's actually, when you live in New York, it's the same distance to Ireland to LA.

Oh, right.

But it was weird where he'd lived this beautiful full life of comedy and success, and he's pre-trained is what I like to say.

Pre-trained?

I like that. What's that He's pre-trained. She doesn't have to do anything.

Yeah, exactly. He's not standing on the table. He's not, like, peeing on a couch.

He doesn't have to do anything.

He knows how to sit, stay, roll over. Yeah, like, he's been yelled at by previous owners. I don't have to do—

Yeah, the heavy lifting.

The heavy lifting. And I've never dated an older man before. It wasn't, like, my kink.

How did this happen?

I know. Wait, this is actually kind of romantic. Yes, I love it.

We love romance. We love me cute.

And also, Monica's probably—

I like older men.

Yeah, she would also end up in this situation. Although, it's starting to change.

Change, but we can talk about that.

The fucking age limit on Arai was like 65 years old because Sean Penn was 65.

Everyone loves Sean Penn because he's the kind of guy that like wouldn't remember your name. Like, I can just tell, and I'm like, I fucking need your attention right now.

It's the exact same thing.

If he can remember my name, oh my gosh, I'm in a room, was like, I need to talk to her.

Yeah, done. Also, if he saw that nose bleeding, he'd be like, who cares, let's go. Oh, he would love that. Let's do it. I'll eat the blood right off your face.

So romantically, I always loved comedy. I was just a comedy fan. I was doing cold calling sales and we'd go to all these New York City comedy clubs and this handsome guy comes up in The Cellar and I'm sitting there, I'm like 25 and he's cute and he says how he lives in Ireland.

Does he have a fun accent? Like a hybrid?

So he has this insane hybrid accent. He talks like a trucker like this. Yeah, but he'll say like British words like quite.

Uh-huh.

Or like proper. Yeah. Like he'll say big eloquent words, but talking like he's a firefighter. Yeah, it's a fun little mix. Yeah, and he speaks Mandarin. Oh, I love him. Like, my husband is so much more interesting than me when we talk about him, but he's traveled.

Yeah, but I've traveled. I don't speak Mandarin.

He got bored with stand-up in Ireland. Well, he wasn't bored, but he wanted to challenge himself, so he wanted to learn Mandarin and do stand-up in Mandarin. This is what sober guys do. They're looking for a high.

Wow. Okay, okay.

Oh, it's true.

He's like, I need something more.

Okay, that makes sense. Of all the zany solutions to the itch.

Like, his mom took some Tylenol. I don't know what happened. But so he says, like, I live in Ireland. I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, I guess I'm not marrying that comic. And it's funny how comics, they're just so hot on stage, especially the men. They just say something. I mean, girls, you're like, okay, stop it. But the guy, we get it. But when guys talk, you're like, look at him commanding that room. Oh, he's in control of it too. So hot. I think I followed him, but I didn't talk. I'm also not like gonna find him after. I don't know, I'm doing that. Fast forward, shout out to friend of the pod Nikki Glaser. Oh, okay, I just love Nikki, who for some reason since day one has been so nice to me. Early on was like, do you want to follow me around at the club and you could ask me dumb questions? Any question, she would answer. Nikki, early on, she kind of saw something in me, and then she knows how lonely it could kind of be when you're the girl. Yeah, I do think in a lot of female comedy, it's like if you can ugly yourself or be as much of a man as possible, you fit in more.

So girls will gravitate to that. And I think because I always kind of had my own voice in the beginning and I didn't care. I love men. They're all good. I didn't need them to pick me. Like, I'm like an athlete. I'm like, I could talk about sports with you.

Like, I don't need you to— I could beat you all at tennis. My calves are bigger than yours.

100%. God, he's good.

Yeah, family gym. Oh, you think that was research?

No, it was.

That your calves are bigger?

She had a calf off with Jimmy Fallon. Oh, look at that motherfucker.

I would say, I want to show you my calves. Do you want to enter the frame?

Look how I compliment my calves in not a sexual way. They'll just be like, so what do you do? Do you do raises? Like, what is the—

like, full— you get what I get on a plane, like, what's your diet?

Yeah, like, there's no sexual connection about it. But Nikki, she's so beautiful, and then she can say so many things. And I think also I'm a brunette, so we're not competing with each other, right? Like, we could be back to back in a lineup, they're like, that's a brunette, you wouldn't be confused, we're not the same. I was fascinated by her, and I just followed her around one night. She did like 7 spots, and I'm like, are you planning your bits? Why are you doing certain bits?

7 in one night?

She's a monster. She even talked about how she does her roasts and stuff, and it makes me be like, okay, that's what you do. If you want that, you have to do that.

Well, again, you're fucking hardwired for this. This is tennis.

It sounds kind of crazy, but tennis and stand-up are very similar.

Tell me the parallels.

Well, tennis is— have you ever played tennis?

Yes. In 9th grade, I was on the team. I was terrible. I only played doubles with my friend Rich Deever because we just wanted to make jokes.

Do you play tennis at all?

I do not.

This is me turning into my, like, coach. They say the court is 7 inches from ear to ear. It's fully a mental game. Oh, my God. Especially at a certain level when everyone's strokes are pretty much the same.

The muscle memory's there.

We all can serve the same. The second you're on the court, it's your demons, and they're just out there. You can't call a timeout. You can't pass the ball. Yeah.

You're isolated. It is the most vulnerable sport.

Sport. And when you lose, you can't be like, well, the fucking forward didn't do their job.

You're like, I suck.

Yeah, there's no— nowhere to kick the blame.

You can't. That's also why tennis— I had a very successful career, but I had a lot of mental battles. I'm chatty in my head, I have my ADHD, and there's some Russian robots on tour. These girls look right through you. I felt so different from them, and I would get performance anxiety. I thought I was crazy. And I was battling myself every day.

Yeah.

Were beta blockers a thing that tennis players took back then?

So beta blockers are, I feel like, a little hard with the physical stuff.

Because you need your heart rate up.

Because you need your heart rate high.

Yeah, that makes sense.

You're shaking.

Yeah.

You're literally shaking. I actually had a service yip moment in college.

Okay, and for people who don't know what the yips are, just say what the yips are.

It's— I hate saying the word, but I have to raise awareness.

Yeah.

Yips are like in baseball when a professional player on second base can't throw it to first, or like Tiger Woods can't chip. It's where your brain decides like you can't do something even though you can. Yeah.

Or Simone not being able to do that rotation thing. Oh, right, right.

Yeah, yeah. And I think now it's a little symptom of some OCD where you basically think like, what's the worst thing that could happen to me? And then you make it happen. And I'm a vulnerable 19-year-old, a lot of pressure playing number 1 for University of Wisconsin. Oh, wow. And I remember I'm training too much in the summer and I'm making changes. And then someone mentioned to me like, Oh yeah, once there was a girl who couldn't hit a second serve after she changed her grip or something. I walked off that court and I knew it was me. It's so dark to say, but it was all in me already. It just was a way for my anxiety to like show its course.

An off-ramp for the anxiety.

It was so bad, I was doing underhand serves. Like, and I think number one, that's horrifying.

Full scholarship, Division I.

You lose your scholarship if you don't do well enough.

You start serving underhand.

Yeah, no, literally.

Yeah, yeah. They have a staff psychologist at these Division Anyone in schools?

So funny not to be like, back in my day, but in 2011 there was one psychologist, but she was kind of like, what's up? When she did the whole team and it wasn't serious.

Anyone cutting? Yeah. Okay, anyone doing, um, little bumps of cocaine?

I could have fucking used it, probably. Sure, sure. And then you become obsessed with it. You wake up in the morning, you're watching videos of serves. That's your whole obsession. And then it's like a shame, which is the worst emotion.

And your dad is your coach during all this? So I went to Wisconsin, he was like Go off, do your thing. I can see being like, this is what I need, I'm a professional.

I basically was like, I'm a mental case.

Yeah.

When meanwhile I'm just like a girl trying her best, just trying to do well. But I was like, I'm a mental case. And then I was doing well. I did get hit by a car.

Oh my God.

But again, that was literally like a sign from the universe because I was like, if you keep working hard, you will be great. I was doing that since I was 8 and I was like, I work harder than everyone. I have the talent. If I could get past these mental problems. But you're Just like digging yourself.

Yeah, horrible way to be alive.

No, I honestly, like, people are like, comics are dark, and I'm like, I'm happy. I'm like, no, that was pretty fucking dark. Yeah, like most people in college were like discovering anal. Like, I was like in a room alone being like, get your second serve together or no one's going to love you.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, so to be clear, it was just the second. So if you didn't get it in on the first serve, then that second one you were incapable of doing, you had to do it underhand. Yeah, that's a little better. At least you had one serve that you could have got lucky. That's why I still win matches and stuff. Yeah, you need that second serve.

You could have reframed it. It's like, this is my thing.

My superpower is that for whatever reason, I'm okay with being embarrassed.

Oh, he's like that too. I hate it.

We should go to the mall together or something.

Oh my God.

I don't know if it's because my dad is super silly. Like, everyone used to be like embarrassed, like my dad. My dad would do something stupid and I'd be like, he's so funny. Like, that was iconic. So I've been embarrassed in so many situations where like I feel nothing. Thing.

Can I share this with you?

Yeah.

This is one of the biggest bonding moments I've had with my daughter, my older daughter. She thinks it's really embarrassing when people run with a backpack on. Again, who knows why, but like, that's like one of her things, right?

If you're late to class.

And then like somehow she was crossing the street and like she misjudged the light, blah blah blah, then she had to run, and then she saw like a big group of girls from her school and she was like, I was so embarrassed. And I go, do you like it at all? And Goes, yeah, I love it. And I go, yeah, me too. The reason I love is it's so weird. I guess it's the addict in me. It's like anything outside of my normal state, I kind of enjoy. So just like when you're deeply embarrassed, the sensations in your body and the panic, I get aware of it. It's almost like when you're on hallucinogenics and you're like, well, that's scary. Oh, but don't worry, it's just hallucinogenics. So it's like, I feel insane, like I'm going to die, but I know it's just these— I don't know, I like it.

But I feel like for my mental health, if you can choose to laugh or choose to be ashamed of yourself. Yeah. And once I realized that you could choose that, my life kind of changed. And then I also realized, honestly, you're more interesting when you've done stupid shit. Like when you've overcome stuff. That is why I think I like addicts, because I'm like, you've done some stupid shit. Yeah.

And you've come out okay.

Shameful thing. And you've had to sit there and face it and then be like, I'm still going to try to be my best the next day.

Yeah, I lived.

Can we go back to you getting hit by a car?

Look, I'm from New York City. I'm not even like woo woo LA. No offense.

Neither of us are from here.

So I was like, oh shit.

We're participating in all of it, but it's not our identity. So it's fine.

But like, look, do I enjoy a pet psychic for fun? Yes.

Yes, I do. I like Erawan too.

So towards the end of my senior year, this is like when it's the big tournament where you get the accolades, you get the awards, like it's the Big Ten Championship and it's 7 a.m. and I'm walking to practice. It's like 2 degrees out. I have a big parka on. And I get hit by a car who didn't see me.

Was it a white parka? Were you like snow camouflage?

Parkas were like, you can't see shit.

You didn't know either.

Also, I think deep down I was like, fucking hit me, please.

That's what I'm getting at. It kind of seems like—

I was like, what if I just— also, if there's any wardrobe I could be in to get hit by a car, be a parka.

Also, not to do a callback to your daughter, but I had a backpack. Oh, and when I was chucked and landed on my back, saved my fucking life. So shout out to nerds.

Is that the brand of backpack?

Oh no, that was the candy.

Just being a nerd.

Okay, who wears backpacks?

Shout out to reading, shout out to books. Let's bring them back.

Shout out to Willy Wonka. Wait, hold on.

So you had a backpack, you were wearing a parka. You definitely did this on purpose.

I got knocked.

Subconsciously.

My first words were, tell my coach I'm gonna be late. I was in such a cult and they were like, you're going to the hospital, babe. I had like a really bad muscle contusion cuz my calves are fucking very strong. The car was like, oh, we didn't know. But I was out for 3 months. Movement is a big part of my game. Like speed. So I got back, obviously not 100%, and I— this is tennis terms— but I lost 5 matches in third set tiebreaks that, like, if I had been fully healthy, I would have won all of them. And it got to the point where I want to raise awareness for it's okay to quit.

I love that.

Like, it's okay to change your dream. And I was one of those weird 7-year-olds that looked my dad in the eye and was like, I want to win the US open.

Yeah.

And he was like, if that's what you want, I'll make it my whole life.

We're gonna do that then.

We're gonna do it. And it was everything to me.

I want to hang with Dan.

But it's stressful when all these people are involved in your dream and then you're like, I guess I'm not doing that anymore.

Remember that 20 years you just put in?

Yeah, yeah, we're pivoting, moving on to comedy. I've done so much work to be like, do you still have any value now?

Yes.

And like, when you quit, it was this moment where I was like, so that was all a waste. And then you don't quit and like become something great. You go from being captain of the tennis team to being in New York City.

7 years old. While everyone else is developing all these other things.

Everyone else was like, well, I was going to be in marketing and that's why I have all these internships. And you're just like, sometimes my serve sucks.

And Hannah, I don't want to freak you out, but we just had a guy who had a schizophrenic episode and tried to kill his father. And that stressful situation came because he was a career runner in college and quit. That was the stressful event that triggered the schizophrenia.

I 100% believe it. But my dad and I, we I come from old school Brooklyn. His dad was a basketball coach in Brooklyn. So Jerry Berner, imagine he was like those coaches they make movies about. Like, you'd see a tall kid walking down the street and be like, are you in school?

Are you a power forward?

How's your hands? Yeah, reflexes. And then he'd be like, we're gonna get you to college. You need to show up to class, and I'm gonna get you to college, and we're gonna win a championship. Like, Jerry Berner was iconic. So my dad was just always coach mentality.

Kind of quickly, what he did for— I know he went to business school, but he's a salesman.

So he's just like a charming sales guy who wishes he could play sports every weekend. So that's what he does.

Him any addiction?

Me. He was addicted to us. Like, we'd wake up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and he'd have a list of all the workouts we're doing. And I was jacked up. I was like, Dad, how high do you want me to jump? He definitely lived vicariously through me, which was problematic. But also he believed in me more than anyone. But when I lost, I felt so bad that Dad wasn't proud of me. It's been good. But it's like the best daddy issue you can have. You're like, my dad thinks I'm the shit.

That's what I'm gonna say. You're gonna have a fucking dad issue. And if it was that your dad spent way too much time with you and focused too much on you, I gotta pick that one.

What? We just talked about this on an episode about dads who are coaches. Oh, it was with Leyva.

Whose mother is a symphony orchestra violinist.

Was her teacher for a bit. And it was like, oh gosh, that mix of it being your parent who's supposed to be unconditional, which he clearly is.

You'd have dinner one night after a loss. And the tension is there. He can't help it. But then I would win a match. I just remember us jumping in the parking lot like we just won the Super Bowl. Yeah. And those moments are so special. But then it became— I wasn't playing for myself. I wasn't playing just for fun. And I think that's important. Any parents that are, like, raising their kids, make sure they're choosing it every day. I thought I loved it, but I loved him loving that I won.

Yeah, it's complicated.

But also, So do you think you can go to the next level and still love it? Every professional athlete we've interviewed, they all stop loving it.

Andre Agassi's book was— yeah, not flowers and rainbows.

Most of the tennis players we had—

Roddick.

Roddick.

I love him. I played with him in a charity event this summer and greatest moment of my life.

Yeah, he's a fucking stud.

Well, but it's funny, you get to make fun of him and his spiked hair and his visor. Only he could pull that off. I know, a visor with spiked hair. That was his, like, look.

That was his look.

And every girl was like, oh, I've never been more attracted to this.

I mean, strange.

He's also so nice.

But yeah, tennis, it is your longest relationship, so that's why you have breakdowns, because one day you just don't have it anymore and you're like, so I can't think about it, I can't play it, who am I?

Yeah.

But long story short, when I started to discover comedy, I did get scared that I was gonna have performance anxiety again. Yeah. I was like, oh no, I found another thing that I could disappoint people with, that I have potential but I can be in my head about. But I got dared to do like a live podcast because I started with podcasting in like 2018. It was my small mental health comedy pod, and someone was like, do 10 minutes of stand-up, because I'd been writing a lot of tweets. And I remember walking on stage at Caroline's.

Well, that was your first time, was that Caroline's?

I did it all wrong. The first time I did it was a sold-out crowd at Caroline's.

10 minutes is also long for people, but this is the I am crazy.

And I've served underhand against Duke and lost. I'm like, I can talk to a bunch of girls at Caroline's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I also was like, I'm going to go on stage and I think I'm going to feel like how I feel before I serve. And I had a lot of trauma still.

You also thought that when you filmed your Netflix stand-up special, right? Which is like, it's not ever filmed. But now that it's filmed, am I going to forget my entire fucking hour?

And also your brain can say like, because you've already done it.

You've already— Your brain loves patterns. Yeah. So I'm about to walk on. On, and immediately a calm hits me. And it's a calm that I'm like, have goosebumps, that other players would tell me about. Like, they're like, yeah, you're nervous before, but then you get on and then you calm down. I never had that calm while you were playing tennis. I always felt like it was Judgment Day, and I was like, what the fuck is wrong? I got on stage, Luna Krabow was like, oh, this is where they wanted me to be. And all the training from tennis and the discipline and the mental warfare and things that made me not good at tennis like thinking too much made me go to Crowdwork because I can't help but impulsively say what I'm thinking.

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I had this creative side that I was always suppressing. Like, I was goofy in school and I loved art, and I suppressed it all by like 9 years old to become a professional tennis player.

Yeah. Did you have thriving friendships throughout? I know you went to Florida for a couple years to train for tennis, but were you missing out on a lot of sleepovers and all that stuff?

I definitely did, but I also had no interest.

Yeah, you just weren't there. It's not that you were missing out. Yeah, I had friends.

I remember a coach giving me this whole speech about how this guy would have gone pro, but he loved partying too much. And I was like 12, and he's like, all he does is party, all he does is party. And I'm such a like naive little girl, I go, how many birthday parties has he been invited to? How many birthday parties does he go to? I didn't realize that there was this other form of partying. Mind you, for some reason, guys who love partying like find me. But I also loved having a purpose. Like, I'd wake up and be like, this weekend I have a tournament. But it was torture.

Did you Do you have girlfriends on like the tour or the kids you saw a lot at meets?

Women's tennis is hard because they're all your— the second you get too close to one, you're like, oh, this is gonna affect when we play. Or you are friends with them and then you play them and you're like, I fucking hate you.

Sure, but can't you hate them for 45 minutes?

We're women.

That's not how it works.

But what's beautiful is now I'm actually reconnecting with a lot of tennis girls from juniors, kind of like, hey, what's up? Yeah. And we have this crazy trauma bond and I feel like we were in war together and we didn't know it. Yeah. And we're all really getting along now, which is beautiful. And also, if a girl was doing well, I'd be like, fuck, my dad probably thinks she's doing better than me.

Like, wishes she was his daughter.

So I'm like, now you're fucking up me and my dad. Yeah, now you're coming for my dad. Oh God.

I do want to say, from the dad's perspective, the line we're hovering— it literally happened to me last night where my daughter's running for student council president.

Cute.

She's been reading me drafts of the speech, asking for input. I've been helpful, helpful, helpful, giving notes. Then last night I found that line. I don't know, I might give some specifics of the things that you're going to change about the school as opposed to blank. And then that just set off the whole thing, and I was like, oh my God, I don't know. You're asking, this is good. You're asking, okay. And then, yeah, you can just see, well, I know what you want, and I, I have an opinion on how you could get it. First of all, I don't give a fuck if you're student council. In fact, I hope you're not student council president, because I imagine I'll have to drive more things. Like, I don't— I want her hobby to be watching TV with me. That's what I want her to be a professional at. But yeah, and I'm like, you're trying to help as much as the person can receive the help, and it's going well, it's going well. And then you do this thing and it's like scarring, and you're like, I don't know, that felt the same as the previous bit of help I gave.

Wait, what was it you said? To give a little more specific fix.

Yeah, it was like, I want to improve the school and I'll listen to you to improve the school. And my suggestion was like, I don't know, do you want to have a dance? Do you want to like, is there a certain thing?

So she sent me the speech too. Obsessed.

She has resources and she's getting it.

She sent it to me 2 days ago. It was email, so it wasn't face to face. So maybe that helped.

And you're not her dad.

But that's my whole point. I gave that exact answer.

You gave the same no. Yes. At least I feel convicted in the suggestion.

And I saw her yesterday. She wasn't like mad at me.

So clearly we totally mended before bed.

Did you tell her to lie? Be like, politicians lie. Say you're getting ice cream every day.

Exactly.

You could say anything.

There's going to be hot tubs in every classroom.

Yeah, I think someone did that in my school. They were like, we are getting ice cream.

Fuck it. Jacob Elordi is going to be the gym teacher. Timothy Shalom is going to be teaching.

No, hers is so cute because she says, I can't promise, and then she makes such a massage chair.

That's adorable. And then she's shitting on the other people running. She's like, did you hear?

We totally mended last night and I I said, look, I think I probably was underestimating. This has gotta be so stressful. You're gonna like give a speech on Friday. You probably feel overwhelmed and you're probably stressed out. And I hit critical mass and I'm really sorry.

This just played out as the exact difference between when a father gives a note and when an— me.

An auntie.

Yeah. Yeah. But overall it's outta love that you care about her. Yeah.

Like that's the overarching.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe your dad really had tennis aspirations.

No, he did. Oh, he did. He fully, like if he had the resources, he would've wanted to do it. Okay. And he like loved that he could provide it for me. We had this movie-type moment at 16 where I was really struggling mentally, and he was like, we're going on the court. He's so dramatic for this too, but like, love it for that. He goes, you're gonna hit one ball and you're gonna tell me if you want to keep playing, and whatever you say, I'm gonna love you. Like, that dramatic. I remember hitting it and being like, I'm gonna keep going, Daddy.

And then it starts thunderstorming, and then you still want to keep going.

I ended up playing for the boys' team, which was pretty cool. In my high school.

In high school. Ooh.

Because they didn't have a girls team in Title IX. And I always have drama around me. So they ended up causing some drama. They were like, she shouldn't play on the boys team because it's unfair.

The boys have boners. It's not productive.

So distracting. And then they ended up granting my team a girls team that my dad ended up coaching. So that's the nice ribbon on it.

That's awesome. So he got to ruin all their lives.

That's literally his joke. He's like, why ruin one when you could ruin a lot of them? He's always had an amazing sense of humor. He loves making fun of me. We're so mean to each other in the best way. We got to this point where I was like, he's always disappointed me because I never made it pro for my dad. But he's had this moment where he's like, you know, I admire about you, you get thrown down and you always get back up. And I was like, if that's all my parents want from me, I'm like, I could live like that. Yeah, just get back up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What you can't understand when you're a kid is, I'm proud of you, full stop, because you're you. I'm enamored with you. I love you. If you become president, it'll be cool. I'm not gonna be more in love with you. There's a base. I'm at 100% of adoring you, and none of your accomplishments are going to raise that, nor any of your failures will lower that.

True. Also, my dad would get annoyed at something I would do on the court, and then I'd watch him play and he'd do the exact same thing, and And I'm like, "And that's the problem." I'm you. You're mad at you, Dad.

Yeah. It's the genetics, and you're pissed at the genetics you gave me.

And I also would say he could have been a comic, but he ended up not going that route. And I think I'm basically him with my mom's discipline.

Ah.

That's great. That's why now when people, you know, as a female comic, you say stuff on stage and he'll have his friends be like, "I saw that clip." My dad is so happy. He's like, "I want my daughter to be happy. I've seen her through." through a lot of different phases of her life. So my parents could not be more supportive of me playing.

What's the little brother's story?

Oh, he was like, fuck you, Dad, I'm not playing this game. Yeah, yeah. He's naturally as athletic as me, as performative. But when my dad would be like, let's run in the park, I'd be like, okay. My brother would be like, I'm playing World of Warcraft. I don't give a shit about you.

Right.

So he's iconic for that.

And so he was tons of friends, sleepovers.

Yes. Went to Wisconsin, but like was in a frat.

Why did he also go to Wisconsin? He followed me. How much younger is he? We were like 22 months. So it's cute.

He saw the stress-inducing part of it for me and he was like, I'm good. I was like, you don't need dad's approval. And he's like, no, watch me. And my dad would be like, do you want to do this? And he'd be like, no. And I'm like, oh my God, he's so cool. I wish I could do that.

Do you think he followed you to protect you?

Or be protected by you?

Well, no, he saw that she's like in mental distress.

I feel like he looked up to me, but also he weirdly is more mature than me. So I think it was a combination of I'm proud of her for going there, but also let me keep an eye on her.

Yeah, that's so sweet.

So it's cute.

I did wanna ask about the transition from Brooklyn. Well, actually, let me go back. There's one other question I had before college, which is you were commuting to this school in Hell's Kitchen.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Of course.

From Brooklyn.

Yes.

So were you riding a train every morning?

Yes.

I'm enamored with this idea. So you were a little kid. It's so wild. Were you in 9th grade when this started?

I was a junior. Okay. When I came back from Florida, I found out this public school on the Upper West Side had this great boys team. God, cute name.

What's it called?

Beacon.

Beacon. Oh my God. It was so artsy too.

We did project-based assessments. So instead of tests, we would present to the teacher things. Like, it was very New York City progressive.

Yeah, yeah.

But they had amazing sports somehow. It was like the best tennis team in the city. And I literally had a meeting with the coach. I'm like, if you get me into the school, we'll fucking win a championship. And he was like, you're in. I don't know if I could legally say that, but this is years later. So the best part about it is you walk to the train and there's a couple other kids who live in Park Slope where I was who go to school with you. So you end up every morning with like 15 kids and we all get on the train at the same time and then you have 40 minutes to do homework or study. And also people are fucking scared of teenagers. Like we ran that subway like we're annoying, we're telling stories and everyone's just going to work together and it's a beautiful thing. And the subway is like magical to me. Yeah.

I was wondering in those, I guess, 2 years of commuting, did you see some shit?

Oh yeah.

Yeah. Like what are some of the wilder things? I've seen some shit and I never even lived there.

The coolest thing about the subway The joy is you think about how we've all lived such crazy lives and in this moment we're just in this quiet place on the same car. Like, how did we all get here? And we're all from different backgrounds, from different religions, from different traumas.

That's the egalitarian part of New York City.

The train. I've had a guy puke on me.

Puke?

Oh. That's actually kind of common. Someone's hungover and it's 7 AM.

Oh, sure.

You also, you all press together and it's just socially, like, this is pre-COVID.

Yeah.

But you have to get on this train and there's really no room and you just fucking go. Squeeze your ass. In between pancakes. You can't breathe, you're like, like fighting for air, but that's just socially acceptable.

I'd be very uncomfortable if I was like a middle-aged businessman and a teenage girl got on and wedged her—

You get so used to it. You get so used to it. There's also like, you can't take up the whole pole. Put one, two fingers, you're not fucking lying on the pole. Also, if you see there's like an open area, there's a reason. There's a guy who pooped himself, there's a dead pigeon, or a dead body. A dead body. The mistake people make in subways, they see an open car and they go, my lucky day.

No, this is a good cautionary tale.

Witchcraft. And you're about to have crazy stuff go down.

Have you seen what happens in Tokyo on subways? I happen to write a script. The pushing set? No, the shoulder sleeping. This is the apex of a collective society. They get on and you think you were packed in New York, you know, they're doing 4X in Tokyo.

Oh yeah, they're—

but and then once they're there, they just lean their head over on a stranger's shoulder and fucking half the people are just dead sleep standing up. That's incredible.

It's beautiful.

It's gorgeous.

It's like, I wish I could have that kind of peace.

Were you seeing a lot of nudity? Because I've seen some pants down on the subway.

One of my early first kisses was in Central Park, and then I looked and there was a guy jerking off.

Oh wow.

And that was crazy because I'd never seen even a boner before.

Yeah, yeah.

And were you like, oh my God, I'm so good at kissing?

Like, wow.

I should be an actor because like, fuck, I should kiss more often.

I'm such a New York City lover because I feel like it's easy to get in your head, but if you just walk outside, you see so many people who, one, don't give a fuck about your stupid problems, and two, I think my grandpa once told me like, you'll see people in their darkest times in New York, and he's like, they could have been an astronaut 10 years ago. Everyone's just at a time in their life, and New New York doesn't stop for anyone. It's a beautiful reminder just how little we are in this world. New Yorkers do have each other's back, I think, post-9/11, where you'll be in a subway and someone starts like choking or something, and someone's like, I'm a doctor, I got this! But then no one will say thank you, like they just move on. But like, I saved your life.

He says fuck you after he does the Heimlich.

Fuck yourself, never touch me again.

You fucked up my shirt. Fuck, next time pull my shirt up. I don't know this to say this, but I feel like most often people from small towns are desiring going to a bigger, flashier place. They go to New York, they go LA, wherever they go. And you went from— you had this childhood in New York to Madison. Were you like, what's happening here?

It was a culture shock. Yeah, bad. Because I didn't know what a Wisconsin was, right? My dad was like, they have a basketball team. And I was like, I don't know. I didn't know Midwest culture.

And they're apex Midwest culture. I'm from Michigan, but they go harder.

It's different. There's no cow tipping in Michigan.

Well, there is, but there is a lot of rural—

you're like, you don't know my culture. Wisconsin does have like amazing beer, amazing cheese, but like I'm like half Italian and guys were like, I've never seen someone so exotic. Fuck yeah, everyone's blonde, everyone's Norwegian or German. I'm used to New York City where if you didn't wear something weird, people were like, you're a loser. Or like in Wisconsin, if you wear something different, everyone's like, you're weird. Scary. It was kind of scary and I remember feeling a little misunderstood. I remember feeling like a little loud. I didn't hit it off with the men that— well, they They were all corn-fed, huge, beautiful men. They would, like, talk about duck hunting, and I was like, "Well, why do you have to kill the ducks?" What have they done to you? It was really— and it wasn't like a culture shock where you're like, "Cool, interesting culture." It was more I felt misunderstood.

Well, I could just imagine also the reduction of stimuli that you're not even aware your nervous system has become completely accustomed to. That subway ride. You pluck someone out of the Upper Peninsula Pensula of Michigan or Wisconsin, just drop them on the subway. They're fucking nervous. It's like, what? That dude's got a, you know, and it's the opposite for you, right? I almost feel like you would have been painfully bored or understimulated.

Maybe that's why I was so in my head all the time, because there's nothing to think about. I was interviewed by like the Mizzou coach early on. I was like, tell me about your school. And he was like, I don't think you're gonna like it. He was like, this isn't a good fit and I don't want to put you through this. And I was like, I'm like, well, I want you to choose me. But it was interesting. Some people really want a small town, simple, but Madison, Wisconsin is an amazing town. It's the capital and the school combined, and it's truly spectacular. But as a college athlete, you don't experience it. Yeah.

Did you go to any field parties?

Oh, that sucks. I know. I never went to a field party.

Okay.

I'm an uncultured swan.

Yeah. That's, I just wish you had been. Have you ever been to a field party?

I don't think so.

You get it. You know, you go into a field and start drinking and he goes, it's pretty crazy. Yeah. I would say it's carefully planned. You wouldn't guess. 'Cause again, in New York, you guys have all kinds of stuff to entertain yourself. No one's got to be that creative, but you just put 25 people in a field and tell them to have fun, that you got to be creative.

I heard people love Sonic. People in the suburbs will go to like a Sonic parking lot.

Yes, everyone went to Sonic and you just hang out in the car with everyone there. Or Waffle House, huge, huge thing.

I love it.

If you like fighting. Fighting.

There's like a joke online where people always like, my parents thought I was studying, but I was in a field about to die somewhere, just running around. Where I think New York City, I was too scared. Central Park after 11 PM, you will get raped. That was like a fact. Yeah, that was like, that was on you at that point.

Yeah, you went to a barbershop and got a haircut. What did you think was gonna happen?

So I think New Yorkers, like, we never had any drunk driving issues because no one could drive. Yeah, I think New York, either you were doing meth at 11 or you were scared. And I was scared.

You were in that latter group. Tell me about the gap between getting out of college and then Summer House.

What happens in that That's one of my darker times. But I love telling people in their 20s, no one tells you that it is your darkest time.

20s are tough.

Well, because older people, they just are so envious. They want to be 20s. Yeah. And you forget that you're losing your mind because you have no identity. You don't have one. You find out that that identity is not gonna work out.

In my 20s, I was teaching tennis, which was fun because I like new tennis. But I also was like, you fucking loser, people are playing tournaments and you're teaching like a 6-year-old. You fucking loser. Closer. Not to name drop, but I was teaching this very wealthy man in the Hamptons.

Oh, a full-grown adult man?

Oh yeah, I teach from 6 years old to 96. Oh, I will take all your money. And also everyone loves tennis. Yeah, and some of these guys, they just were lonely. I was just strictly teaching tennis, but like I was teaching them how to text sometimes. Oh, you're actually like a therapist because tennis is so intimate where like you miss a ball and they're like, why did I miss? And you're like, are you having trouble at home? Like you work stuff out. And this guy was like, okay, we're having some people come over. They're all these rich dudes. He's like, and Chelsea. I'm 21 years old, by the way. Chelsea Lately is like at its height.

Okay, I was gonna say, are we talking Clinton? Are we talking Handler?

I actually really did think it was Clinton.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm glad.

Yeah, you heard rich people.

I heard like man, and then I— and then Chelsea.

Maybe could have gone two different ways. Okay, so Handler, a little more on drugs. So she shows up, and I read all her autobiographies. I didn't know it yet, but I loved comedy. She walks on. I'm fucking double faulting, I'm so nervous. We're playing doubles, and it's one thing to meet someone who you admire, but to spend 2 hours teaching tennis was— as a 21-year-old, I remember at the end I was like, do you have any advice for like a, a girl getting—

growing up?

She literally looked at me and she was like, I got lucky, and like walked away. But she was so nice, so funny, and now No, I went to her show last night and we texted. I was like, Chelsea, you know, I taught you tennis when I was 21. She's like, gun to my head, I have no idea who you are. Never remembered that. But yeah, tennis was cool where you'd get to see different people's lives and these honestly rich people who were empty and just lonely and just paying people to be around them. I got to see this different level of money.

Yeah, you get all this money and you've had this huge fantasy and then you're like, why aren't I you? Euphoric. I'm supposed to be euphoric.

Yeah.

And now I'm terrified because now I know there's no solution.

And I'm like, this guy is so successful at his job but can't hit a backhand, and he like hates himself. So it was very fun, but I was like, I need to move away from this really quick.

There's the long-worn stereotype of like the dudes telling their buddy like, you're letting your wife take tennis lessons, like, there's gonna fuck that dude, right? That's like a very well-worn trope.

Yeah, there's a hot Brazilian guy that's fucking your wife.

Yeah. Where the wives not like, absolutely not, 21-year-old fucking tennis coach.

I think, which is also why maybe I'm good at comedy, I have a way to like throw myself down. I'm not showing up with makeup, tits out. Yeah, I'm yelling at them. I'm not like, hey, Mimi, good to see you. I'm like, that's not what we practice. Yes, I'm full. Like, I'm come from a coaching background, so I'm like there to make you better, right? And so like the wives were like, good, fucking yell at him, he's so annoying.

Yeah.

And I'm like, yeah, I'll drop it. It's just the energy you put out. The world.

All right, good.

Could I have made more money if I was a little flirtier?

Maybe. I don't— who knows?

Christmas bonus.

If I was a little nicer with the serve. Cuz I see some of these billionaires, they do tennis lessons and everyone's afraid to like tell them what they're doing wrong and they don't get better. And I'm like, someone tell this guy to bend his knees.

Okay, so you were coaching tennis in that gap.

And I'm like, I have to get away from tennis. I have to find who I am. I started doing cold calling sales cuz my dad was like, if you want to be successful in life, do cold calling sales. And if you can handle that, you can handle anything.

Did he also— because my dad was a salesman, he's a car salesman. He said, if you think there's any job in the world that's not sales, you're crazy. Every single job is sales.

That's exactly what my dad said to me. And he's like, you have to sell yourself to sell everything.

Yeah, it's true. Because I've dealt with other artists out here who are writers. I'm like, at the end of the day, dude, you're walking into a studio and you better put on a fucking show.

Early on, I was like, guys, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I will sell it.

Like, I don't know what this is. Have my back. I don't believe it. I don't have any knowledge of the product and I'm gonna move this unit.

Marcelo also did sales.

Yes, yes, because it's an X factor, the salesman. It's a hard gig.

Well, it's just like stand-up, you're gonna get rejected fucking nonstop and you just gotta be able to go, yeah, whatever.

So I actually, I joined the sales team and it was a bunch of guys and me, but again, I'm used to it. I used to train with a lot of guys. It really feels like I've always been in this male-dominated space that I'm like, okay, I'm here now. And I would just like kind of giggle on the phone a lot. Like, I would just kind of be jokey and silly. And I remember one guy being like, all you do is giggle on the phone, which is so funny because now that's my career. Exactly. But I had like a lightness and silliness about it, and I started doing really well. I was making good money at like 23. Nice. But I started to feel like I was just taking from people. My day was just, you were something I needed something from. Yes. And I'm a creative. That went against my core where like, I'm a people pleaser, I'm an artist, I want to give.

I started hating it. I would like hide the bathroom.

I'd hang out with the social media team and be like, what do you guys have to do today?

Can I ask what you were selling?

I was selling marketing for small businesses.

I know why you felt a little dirty, because you're like, I don't know if this marketing is going to help your business, and there's no way to actually find out.

Also, I'm not selling— yeah, like these big businesses. This is like a guy with the pizzeria.

Yeah.

And I mean, it wasn't an expensive product.

Listen, I did the same thing. I worked for my dad. Yeah, I had a lot of different sales jobs for my dad, so I was just like, I don't know if anyone's getting anything they paid for.

Well, yeah, because then you sell it and then the people— I'm like, are you guys doing what I sold, but it was such a good experience. But I said, I want to do marketing. I started doing marketing for a t-shirt company.

And you have a communications degree?

Communications degree. And at the end of my communications degree, I had a little internship at Wisconsin where I did some sports broadcasting. Okay. Because deep down, I actually thought I was going to be a sports broadcaster. I know sports. Yeah, I can turn it on. Welcome to ESPN, I'm Hannah Berner. Like, I was like, oh my God. And I had some, like, funny interviews that did well. You have to move to a small town to be a sports broadcaster. And I was like, I'm fucking done with this. I want to be in New York City. I actually told my mom, this is crazy, but I was like, what if I interviewed people on the subway? I thought of that at like 22. Wow. So like, your body knows what you want to do.

Yeah. But then I was like, ah, stupid idea.

So fast forward, I'm in Vegas selling t-shirts at like 25, and I see an old video pop up on YouTube. YouTube of me interviewing a Wisconsin basketball player. And I just thought, fuck it, I want to be on camera. Which is, again, embarrassing. Yeah, saying you want to be on camera, it's vulnerable.

That's brutal. Yeah, yeah.

Especially as a woman to be like, I should be seen.

Yeah, yeah.

And you guys should look at me.

Yeah, preferably all day long.

So I decide at 25, I start telling people like, I I want to be on camera. I didn't know what it was, maybe sports, I didn't know. Always loved stand-up, but I did not think I'd be stand-up. And this company Betches is hiring for a video producer, and I knew how to edit from Wisconsin. Who knew a communication arts degree got you? What are we using?

Premiere Pro. Premiere Pro, great.

Which is how I launched my entire career. So I'm editing for them, they finally are like, can you make a sketch? And I got this like wedding videographer to film it. It was called When Bae Facetimes You. Bae was really in at Yeah, that means your boyfriend.

Yeah. Or girlfriend.

Or like someone you're into.

Okay. BAE.

Yes.

Okay.

You're so in. You know what the kids are doing.

I know everything.

Do you want to see me dance? Oh my God.

BAE.

Monica's little awkward find out the words.

She needed to ask us.

Oh boy.

Okay. Well, maybe there's a 70-year-old dude listening and he was adrift and I just told him how it works. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry. So I have headphones on and I go, oh, I need my headphones because I'm in my pajamas. Dramas. And then it shows me put like a full face of makeup on and a ring light, and then I go, found my headphones, like, let's talk. It was just like a cute little video. It goes viral and they're like, can you do this 3 times a week? And I felt the drug again. I say yes to everything.

3 a week? Oh, you want 6?

I was like, working on the weekends. I found my passion again. I was like, my whole life I could just make funny videos? Like, this is fucking sick. And I start casting New York City comics to be in the videos. So I start surrounding myself with cool people. Budget? No, no, You know, we got a tag here and there, a little $50 here. Okay. But I was like seeing these people's lives. I'm like, so you do podcasts during the day, you're auditioning, and you do standup at night, and that's your life? And I was like, that's fucking kind of cool.

Yeah.

And then I get a call to be on a reality TV show.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. So they found you?

I got a DM from a producer. Wow. And they were like, we're looking for New York City kids in their 20s.

I can't imagine at that time you had seen season 1 or 2 of— I hadn't watched it, right?

And it's about kids who work— I keep saying kids because I'm so old now, but people, 20s, humans who work in human beings who work during the week and then they party in the Hamptons on the weekends. Now I grew up in New York City and I'd go to Shelter Island and play tennis and do old man stuff, but I was like, I know this lifestyle. And I'm like, can I promote my podcast? And they were like, yes, we love that. So I think I've like hit the jackpot. Also, I do the Zoom and I'm like, I don't think I'm a reality TV person when you see me. I don't know what they saw in me. Maybe that I'm loose-lipped. I I was like, I'm a people pleaser, but I like being funny. I think they love that I was the sporty girl, right? They like to cast you.

Yeah, they need an archetype.

I was like the truth-teller sporty girl who was like relatable. I wasn't too hot, but I wasn't like too drunk. Like, I kind of had my role.

The audition or Zoom, do they like show you pictures of people and then you comment?

It's actually really funny. They're like, so do you think so-and-so's life is headed in the right direction?

Oh wow, they want you to make some judgments.

And I remember not knowing anything about the people, but like trying have a hot take.

Yeah, sure.

She's constantly messing with me with podcasting. I'm like, if I don't care about it, I'll still have a hot take.

I'm like, I haven't seen it, I haven't read anything about it, and I've got a fully fledged—

and I will fight this out with you right now. But also, again, I like a challenge. I also was still feeling a little lost. I remember telling my mom about it.

It's also a paycheck.

I wasn't making money at the time, and my mom was like, I'm a little nervous, but you've done a lot of hard things even at your young age. See what happens. She's like, you're a nice human, like, you're not gonna get into fights with people, you're not gonna cry, you're not a crier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do all those things?

So honestly, reality TV was the most fucked up beautiful experience I've ever had.

Yeah, what are the pros and the cons, or the highs and the lows?

The highs were that if you get a good edit, people think you're the greatest human in the world. Yeah, like you just are the greatest, you are the funniest, you've never made a mistake, everything you say is right. You're playing a character for a storyline that they choose to say. Yeah. And honestly, I had two really good seasons where I met friends for life.

You met Paige, right?

I met Paige. But then we had our COVID season where we were locked in a house.

This seems bonkers.

This is like child abuse.

Well, everyone went crazy.

Not what we signed up for.

Everyone went crazy in their homes without a camera crew there.

Honestly, like, the later seasons is when like egos get involved and like, you know each other too much, like you're too comfortable with each other.

People have popped, other people haven't. There's a whole lot of shit on the table.

Everyone's counting everyone's followers, and it's not —on like you had a good stand-up special. It's based on did you get a nice storyline that people related to.

So let me ask one quick question on that, because often you're on set as an actor and the actor goes, my character wouldn't do this, and like they're fighting for the death of that, and that's not even them. So like if you get assigned a storyline that's like so different from who you are—

I'm gonna blow your mind. Okay. You don't know what the storyline is.

I was about to say, I was about to say.

So okay, this is my advice for people on reality TV. If the producers are coming to you being like, okay, I want to ask these questions, do this, you're in a good place. If no one talks to you before the scene, you are the story. Yeah. So you come in thinking you don't know what's going on, and you can't tell if people are gonna be like, they're bullying me, or I should be— yeah, yelled at right now.

Like, yeah, reality TV is made in the edit. The people do not know what's going on when they're—

and when they say edit, it is a lot of the confessionals tell story. So I like to say, think of someone who doesn't like you, how they would tell a story. And then think of someone who does like you and how they tell a story. They decide who's gonna tell the story. Right. Of course. Or you might be telling the story. People have a lot of different experiences, and some seasons I felt like were really real, and then some I feel like they didn't have enough to work with. Then, like, sometimes they protect people, they don't protect other people. I feel like I learned so much from it. It humbled me. It made me realize how not in control you are. Obviously, I want to be liked. I'm in this industry. Industry. It made me realize not everyone likes you, and to have to sit with people not liking you for like something in the back of your head said— that was things that I had to fucking face, my demons. Yeah. And it also led me to stand-up comedy because I was getting upset, and I would be at the club at night, and I'm with all these comics, and I'm like, not a good episode, not a good episode.

And they were like making fun of me, right? And they were like, if I was on that show, I would do this, this.

They right-sized it for you.

Yeah, it was so funny me, and it kept me sane. And then when I was on stage, I wasn't on my phone, and people were authentically reacting to me in the flesh. I hate saying that, it's a gross thing to say, but just me being me. Either you didn't like me for me, and also comedy's so honest. And I realized if I want to find myself, this is where I'm gonna do it. And then I got fired.

Really quick, how old were you? 30. You better believe at 30, all I would have done is write about myself. It'd be impossible not to.

I loved your Nikki Glaser episode because you guys really hit on this, and I was like, I'm relating to this too much. But I have to give credit to my old husband, my old beautiful tired husband.

Mm-hmm. Old, the description, not old like past husband.

Yes, he's still here. Not for long. TikTok. Not for long. But he had this whole career before me, and he had mentioned like sometimes when he was his most liked, he felt like he was his most hated because he didn't have anyone telling him like, "Oh, that's not actually what's going on." And when you're performing live, you have to walk on and feel love. You can't be in your head like, "These people are fucking coming for me." Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he early on had, like, a strict rule in our household, and he actually was tough with it. He's like, "If you see something, you get upset, that's your problem." Yeah. It's on you. Like, he was tough with me, which, you know, as a young girl—

Just like your daddy!

You tell me what to do, baby! How hard you want me to talk? But he saved my life. I wouldn't be here. And that's like dramatic, but it's true.

Yeah, you would have done much more cocaine.

I would have been loving cocaine. But he was like, it's like a car crash, like you want to watch it, but you don't have to watch it.

You're also, you're watching a car crash that you're in. Yeah, it's my car. Right, yeah, yeah, like it's gonna be extra traumatic because the car crash you're observing is you going through the windshield.

My biggest advice for like artists and creators is once the comments start affecting your creativity, they win. So at that point, I wasn't trying to be a reality TV star. I was trying to be a stand-up comedian. So I was like, but if you're not likable, people don't trust you with a joke. So it started to get to the point where it's ups and downs in reality TV, and I was like, this is chaos. I had gotten fired from it and a talk show.

That was like the end. Wait, you got fired from a talk show?

Well, at the end of my Summer House Bravo days, I had got a talk show. Okay, okay. I was like, okay, like I have other skills that I could— and people were kind of seeing it. But my time ended on the show. What happened? It was a matter of you need everyone to be friends. Not everyone was getting along. It was a choice. I was going to be the one—

what? Kiboshed. They also can't—

Paige? No, Paige is perfect. We're like, we love Paige.

So did she go further seasons than you?

Paige lasted really long. Okay. On the show. Yeah, yeah, I was the bad girl. Oh, I do have to say, getting Getting fired— star power, true star power. If you're listening, you've been very influential. That takes like— it's a thin line between love and hate. Like, getting fired, they were like, you're too much for reality TV. I was like, I can't take it.

But you are a people pleaser, so that must have hurt.

That's why, like, when producers are like, ask this question, I was like listening, which ultimately was not great for me. But again, I learned so much from it. And I was sitting in a car in Missouri headed to a stand-up club, and I get a call, you're fired from Summer House, you're fired from Chat Room. Oh, and I remember thinking, now I need to get a Netflix special. Ah, I got such a chip on my shoulder because you have to be crazy to stand up every night. You have to have some kind of addict mentality. And I remember thinking, I love when people put me down or like cut me out, or I feel like no one wants to be there, and to come back stronger. I just love that. I love the rising of the phoenix. I love the underdog. Yes. Also No one in reality TV gets a Netflix special. So I was like, let's fucking go. I joke like, did you need revenge? Did you need to be so Sicilian about it? But I never put any of my energy towards hurting anyone. I literally was like, and now we're moving on and we're putting all that anger into like when you don't want to get up to go to the club, you're fucking getting in that Uber and going there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or these people were right and they won.

And my brother always was like, you're gonna lose battles but you're not gonna lose the war, which is like so intense. And so my sports family. Yeah, that's so great. But I just want people to know things are going to happen to you regardless. Like shitty things happen to you every day. It's how you react to it. And if you can laugh at yourself and not to be all like inspirational, but sincere. Was that the word you were looking for? I've never used this word before. Not to be honest about how you feel. I feel, but everything that's made me interesting is like me fucking up. Yeah, that's all of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You start the Giggle Squad. Am I saying that right? Giggly Squad. I knew I was missing. It's literally close enough. We're gonna blame my dyslexia.

Yeah, he is dyslexic. 2020. Yes.

You guys start this. We were doing Instagram Lives.

Do you remember? Oh yeah. Did you guys do an Instagram Live? No, we didn't.

No, no. Good for you. But you were doing an hour a night for like 3 months. Is that what it was? Yeah.

That was crazy. We also were on reality TV and they'd never show the funny parts. They like to laugh at you. The guy would be filming us in the bathroom and we'd be like riffing, riffing, riffing, and he would just turn and walk out. And I was like, that was gold. That was TV gold.

Yeah, yeah. I see you hate Emmys.

I was like really working. Like you're trying to make the videographer laugh. They're like, this doesn't have to do with the current storyline we're following, so you guys are wasting my time. We were FaceTiming and I was like, let's just go live. And we did every day and it started to become kind of cultish. It was like 5,000, 10,000 people. And then we had to film our last season, so we stopped doing it. And after the season ended, Paige never thought she'd podcast because she has a face for television. She's never thought that was her direction. And I was like, Paige, like, podcasting, like, I've been doing it, we gotta get into it. And she's literally rolled her eyes. I was like, fine. And then it's been our, like, therapy, being able to be ourselves. In your year 6—

we're in year 6 now— it's huge.

It was a slow, slow growth, because also we don't have guests, so there wouldn't be like a viral episode. The guest is stressful. And also, I'm gonna be honest, sometimes they walk in, the energy's off, right? Oh yeah, you're pulling teeth. There are positives, but having just our formula and just riffing with your best friend every day has been—

I know, it's so much more fun. Well, we do the Fact Check, which is sort of the version of that, which is so much easier.

Chemistry, you have chemistry.

Yeah, I'm always looking forward to the Fact Check. There's many guests where I'm like, oh, let's see if I can get a person who hates being interviewed to enjoy this. I mean, the celebrities at least that we interview, like, they don't want—

I get it, they gotta promote a movie and they're friends with you guys, so this is their like warmest—

in some cases. Yeah, yeah, it's true. And then those are the trickiest ones too. I don't know, am I allowed to bring up the fact that you fucked a bull in high school? You know, like, I know so much and I don't know what they're comfortable with. That's somehow harder.

Who fucked a bull? No, we all just let him say that.

I actually don't know anyone that's fucked a bull, but Let's say I did. Do you do 2 episodes a week?

We moved to 2 episodes a week, which has been fucking fun because we have it in us.

Let me ask you a very gross question. I know that you're making a lot of money now because I know the size theaters you're playing. And yeah, it's fucking awesome. And I know how many stand-up dates you're doing. And so you've got some fucking cashola. Are you enjoying it? Have you done anything stupid with it? Did you buy a fancy apartment? Like, what's happening? What's happening with all this money? Oh, my God.

I'm cheap.

Is it at all stressful in your marriage that you're making more money? Oh, he loves it. He loves it. Good for him. You got a mature man.

He calls me his pension pussy. He's also— he's lived his own life. He's very successful in his own right. But he jokes, when we started dating was my last season of my reality show, when it was a hard time. He's like, I came in when you had no job, so no one's calling me a gold digger.

Yeah, exactly.

And also, I would say during the honeymoon phase was a really hard time for me. People weren't liking me that much, and I had that like moment.

You're like, relatable. People weren't, um, how do you feel? Like, I'm waiting to hear like getting me and just like liking me. People were passing.

No, people were like, die. Oh, you meet a new guy, and I come from the mindset of when I'm successful successful, people like me more. So I'm sitting there with a new man, and at one point I was like, I don't have a job, definitely not popular, why the fuck would you choose me?

Yeah, yeah.

And he level-headedly was like, you should talk to him about that because that's you.

Yeah. Oh my God, he sounds so great.

I haven't dated these smart guys before. They're annoying because they can win an argument. Watch out for that. Like, he's— I'm like, how did you know that word? He's done a lot in his life. He's wise. Like, when I ask him a question before this pod I called him. I was like, any words of wisdom? Oh, that's lovely. And he's the one who's like, shut up sometimes. This is my mistakes that I've made. Don't make them again. So he's a huge part of me also having the confidence to like put myself out there.

This would be the worst is if you guys were in a fight and then all of a sudden he just ripped out like a proverb in Mandarin.

He does it all the time. He does. He's Irish, so he says things like over the cuckoo nest. I don't know. He says all these weird—

Yeah, three sheep's in a barnyard.

Yeah, he's like jump over the rover neck of the boat. And I'm like, I don't know if that's what that means, but it's like hot because I'm like, he knows things. Yeah, he fucking knows things. And I don't know what you're saying, but I'm not mad at you anymore because that was cute.

Irish people love a proverb. I like proverbs. They're good.

I think— yeah, I don't need to go into that.

You're like, not— we're gonna skip that.

I think oppressed people come up with a lot of rad shit. I think that's why in Sinners we got to see the Irish jig paired with all the Black music. It was like, oh yeah, look what comes out of fucking darkness.

Yeah, but I'm similar to you, like, we are in the same industry, but I think because we're in different times of our careers, it's been really helpful because he's like, oh, thank God I don't have to do that again. Yeah. So other guys might be like, why is she getting that and not me? Where he's like, I've done that, I've been that, don't do this because I did that. So he's insightful. There are times where I'm 34 and the Hulu special is about to come out, I want to do press, and he's like, you don't have to do that one. And I'm like, why? He sees the big picture. Yeah, yeah, he sees the marathon.

But he's tough with me, like, he'll call me out.

He's like, out of ego. We're honest with each other.

ZNA. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We pick up a lot of bullshit in there, don't we?

But then, you know, some guys, you're like, go to therapy, and he's like, I've done years of therapy.

And I'm like, I am a therapist. I sponsor 70 guys. I've talked guys off roofs.

No, and he was in Ireland where he was doing like NA. He like knows all the like guys who were in NA in Ireland, and like he's seen some shit.

Those are the gnarliest dudes.

But that's why I also, I was like, this guy could handle me.

Like, yeah, he's war-torn.

Okay, so you weren't using your money to buy anything cute.

That's what we're learning. You've bought something cute because you look ashamed of yourself.

I am wearing— I mean, very expensive windbreaker, but it's my friend Paige who lent it to me because she knows how to be rich.

I bet I asked her these questions, she would have— fucking, she knows shit.

But like, being rich is hard sometimes. I mean, that actually— cancel that, cut that out.

Cut it out. Don't make it the title.

No, but being rich is like a whole situation. It's a world.

Well, now you have something to lose. You also go like, oh shit, I have money. You're supposed to figure out how to make money with your money. Like, you just have this whole new list of things you think you're doing wrong.

Yeah. People start talking about landscaping and you've never thought about a flower in your life. It's crazy. But I do think, not to be all woo woo, but I never came into it for money. I'm like an athlete where I'm like, I want respect. Yeah, I want people to look up to me. I want to inspire little girls. I want a statue in front of a tennis I'm literally like, I want my name on this bench. So then when I started doing better financially, my whole family thinks it's hilarious. My brother's like in finance and he's like, what are you up to? And I'm like, I don't know, dude, I'm just having fun. Yeah, it's working. It's so crazy that you could be creative and just like be yourself.

Well, look, I did want money. I wanted money so fucking bad. And as an actor, I was impossible to deal with. And as a director and a writer, I just— please give me all the money. And then this— yeah, I didn't think you could make money at it.

So that That is the irony of it all, which is kind of beautiful because I think if you're just out there for money, the universe doesn't respond to that.

Yeah, and even if it can work for a minute, it has a shorter life. I've seen people succeed with the cash grab in this space. It just loses its momentum because once you have the money, now what do we do it for?

But then there's so many people where you're like, how much money do you need? But like, people launching the craziest businesses But I think it's like they need to feel alive too. They're not dead after getting rich. Yeah.

Again, it's funny. I'm sure there's two or many categories of people, but there's like some people that are right. They just always want to be entrepreneurs and that's great. Yeah. There's a whole other group that I'm sympathetic to, which is just like, you're aware of the fact you have this opportunity and you see other people have taken that opportunity and they've turned it into things. It's just this weird guilt. Am I supposed to be doing this or I should be doing this?

So I think a lot of people get into things out of that weird motivation, especially social media where where people are like, I made $100 grand yesterday in this website. And people are like, if that guy could do it and he lives at home with his mom, like, I could do it. But a lot of it is so— no one really does. Yeah, don't get me into life coaching.

Even like, I was watching that Manosphere documentary and I was like, guys, none of these guys have any money. Everything's rented. Do you not fucking— everything is rented. Yeah, they do not own a Lamborghini. Those are not their girlfriends.

But they know how to sell something.

They do.

They sure Do you want to use your sales power in the right or the wrong way? Exactly. Yep. Yep. Okay.

So I want to applaud you for We Ride at Dawn because you got your Netflix special. Yeah. And it was hugely popular. Thank you. Yeah, that's fucking awesome.

That moment feel like you're like, I did it.

It was cool because I got a call and they were like, Netflix wants to do a special with you. And I was like, I did it. I did it. I tell my husband, Netflix wants to do a special with me. He looks at me. Looks me in the eye and he goes, no, you're touring for 8 more months. This is your first special. Everyone's gonna watch it. I don't care if they think you're ready, you're not. Nice. And I was like, obsessed with my Scorpio king. But like, thank God, because in my head I'm like, they think I'm ready, I love my jokes, let's go.

They'll never call again. That's the other thing. You're like, if I don't take this now, they'll never call again.

Yeah, especially sometimes in comedy, like, you're a little hot and you start getting too many opportunities that you're not prepared for. And I was green. I really was very early in stand-up, but in stand-up, I was doing an hour very early on, so I had a lot of stage time 'cause I was selling tickets. But they always say, "You could sell tickets the first round, but they're not coming back if it's not good." But I'm telling you, like, I felt like a surfer that found the right wave. This is moving in the right direction. Like, I'm not getting yips. This is what tennis should have felt like. Then I shot the special, but I did have a mental break before that. Before the special. I was doing tapping. Oh, you know, it's like you're like, have you tried tapping?

What is tapping? Tell me about tapping. No, should I tap? Oh, I'm showing my age. What is tapping?

It's like an OCD kind of, right?

You say something that's making you uncomfortable, but then you tap to like relax the nervous racing.

Like put yourself back in your body.

I actually have no idea. I was in a dark place where like I would have shoved something up my asshole if they were like, take this ice, Charlie Sheen it, and go on stage.

Chuck Sheen this. It's like an anxiety thing.

Yeah, basically before the special I started getting those thoughts where I was like, what's the worst thing that can happen? What if I can't form sentences? And then I kind of got obsessed with like, how did I ever form a sentence? What is a sentence? You could overthink how to walk.

Well, and Babers, AKA Poehler, when you were on her show, she was saying very astutely, comedy is best when the person's relaxed. That's kind of the magic trick.

And so is sports. You have to hold the racket lightly to play.

Like when you're punching something, you hold the steering wheel very light.

You lose control if you go too tight. Yeah.

So how did you overcome that and end up fucking winning the match against Netflix?

So 2 weeks beforehand, I remember starting like crying to my mom because she's like, this bitch is calling again. And I was like, I'm fucking terrified. And I remember my husband going, you should be. It's scary. It's a big deal. It's scary. It's scary. It's nerve-wracking. You have a lot of pressure. People want you to fail. You can be human. He's like, I freak out before specials too. You're human. I got a beta blocker subscription. Oh nice. Which saved my fucking life. And I listened to like pumped up music. I'm familiar with that side of myself that's like, you've gone crazy, you've gone off the deep end. I do think with standup, what I like more than tennis is it's really hard to get in your head when you're talking. There's no room where tennis, it's fucking, it's so loud.

Watching this asshole dribble and do their OCD tics. Nadal's like picking his asshole.

Everyone's tweaking. Stimming. And with this, I think what happened is the shows before, I was really nervous and on stage I was like, pretend you're shooting the special, pretend you're shooting the special. I was being really overly hard on myself. So leading up to it was a nightmare. And then the day of, I took the beta blocker, I was meditating with my mom before I went. I was literally like, and I walked on stage and I was calm.

You were like, oh, I know how to do this.

And then I walked off and everyone was like, you did it. And then I was like, I did it. So the second time around of shooting my special, I didn't have the same—

I love that.

It was almost like exposure therapy. But it is so funny how in your most vulnerable moments, your demons come back. Of course.

They're not gone for good. The shadow is doing push-ups in the background at all times.

The shadow's like, oh, we're up. Also, not to sound like an old basketball coach from Brooklyn, but I love the quote that even when it's raining, the hoop is always there. So it's the idea that, like, even when it looks like there's no opportunity and it's dark, like, it's there. You just can't see it. Yeah, I like that. So I try to tell myself that.

Very encouraging for it to come out and be number 2 right out of the gates. That was insane. Yeah. Let you know you're on the right path. Oh, I just have to say one thing I did see, which I absolutely loved to watch someone act out my nightmare, because even when we would do live shows, 25 times in my head, I'd be like, we're in Minnesota backstage. We're in Minnesota. But Hannah had the moment where she was in Buffalo, New York, and she came on stage. She was like, what's up, Boston? No. Oh Lord, the searing delight I got in my fucking core watching that. I was like, oh, she did it.

I had that moment where like, I have two ways I could go about this. I could gaslight them, make them think that I didn't say that and just keep going. They misheard, they made it up.

She, she a Boston? No, she must say Buffalo.

No, she's, she's fine. But I'm like, my head was like hot, like, you know, and then I was like, or I address it. But then these place Buffalo, Boston, You don't— no, that's fucked.

That's bad. That's a war zone.

You want to do that in Minnesota? Yeah, well, that's okay, you know.

Yeah, they're like, oh yeah, we love you, we love beer. Easy mistake.

Not really, but okay.

This place, I started dying laughing. The thing is, the girls who listen to my pod and go to my comedy shows, and the guys, they're so funny. We have this funny relationship where they make fun of me. So after the show, everyone's like, love your show in Boston. They're just like leaning into it. And then it kind of became a shtick.

I wish you got really known for it so every time you did it, you could do a more abstract funny one. And people be looking forward to where you're gonna say like, I'm in— what's up Nairobi?

You know, whatever it is. So my openers now, because I kind of black out when I'm on the god mic. Like, when you're on stage you're good, but god mic you're kind of not focused. And they're always like, Nebraska! And this is the day. And they have to kind of tell you that. But it's happened to me multiple times, and I'm here to tell this tale.

Oh wow, you survived. Wait, so did you say like, sorry? Or were you like, I did it?

She went straight into like celebrating the Buffalo Bills. Yeah, I go, go Bills! I'm shocked you didn't get the team wrong, by the way.

Oh my God, actually, in Texas once— Texas has so many fucking teams, and I accidentally said Texans instead. Oh, at UT? The wrong place. Oh boy. I thought I was gonna get stoned. Yeah. And I was like, we were good for like 30 minutes, and this is where they turn. But that's the high of stand-up.

Yeah. Okay, so none of my business, Hulu June 5th premieres. You shot it in Toronto? Yes. This feels like an interesting choice. Explain it to me.

I had done a lot of shows in New York. My 3, like, places I love filming is New York, Boston, Philly. People are loud, they're aggressive, they love chanting, they're smart. Yeah. They've had a long week.

They're the star of the show, even if they're in the audience, is what you're— They're scary. I'm scared of them.

They hold me hostage at the show. And they're just— Their energy's, like, amazing. And also, it's convenient since I'm in New York. New York. Toronto, weirdly, I have this incredible following, and I know people shoot stuff there. And I had done New York earlier in the tour, so I'm like, I can't do New York. So Toronto just came naturally. My mom's like, why did you pick Toronto in February? Why couldn't we do Miami?

Sure.

But I really like this one theater. Which one? The Bluma Appel Theater. It's like 900-seater. It feels really intimate even though it's a lot of people. It feels close. When you first do stand-up, no one tells you when you get a special. They go, where do you want to shoot it? And you're like, where do people shoot it? And they're like, wherever you want. And I'm like, I haven't been—

like, I don't know where I am right now. Yeah, I thought I was in Boston last week.

The second time around, I was like writing down theaters I liked.

And some of them have really good vibes too.

Yeah, you really do need a good vibe. And the filming, even though it doesn't always come across in the film as great of a show sometimes, like you can't tell if the audience was really really good or really bad. And also stand-ups, you don't really tell each other the spots. Stand-ups are a little gatekeepy sometimes. Like, they're not like, this is my director. Like, we're kind of like entrepreneurial where it's like you can ask, but that's their business. Yeah. So I did Blue Mapel, 2 shows.

None of my business, one of my favorite. I got that saying from the program. I don't know if you heard your husband ever say that, but like, what other people think is none of your business. At least I learned that there.

Is that where it all stems from? I think it stemmed from that, but then it became kind of trendy, people being like, things that are none of my business. And I have a joke that looking in the mirror is none of my business. Like, I don't look in the mirror a lot. I don't fuck with the mirror.

Yeah, I like that. Yeah, what do you say? You go like, you don't want to look in the first thing.

Oh yeah, have information you don't need about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say over the course of my life, the amount of times I looked in the mirror and was pumped is like, it's certainly under 1%. I've never like, let's do this, man.

I always say I am delusional. Like, I think I know what I look like and it's the best photo I've ever taken. And when you walk into room like that, even if you have fucking stuff in your teeth, it helps.

Oh, confidence, everything.

Oh, it's everything. I gotta say though, your hair looked fucking gorgeous in that special. How many hours went into that? That was fake. It was— okay, that helps.

But also, you kind of come in with extensions, and like, this guy was going in, and at one point I was like, there's a dead animal on my head. Like, it's getting heavy. It was heavy. And also, when you're a comic, you're yourself, right? And I'm used to going on stage, you know, I'm in some city and I'm tired and I did makeup like 5 minutes before. So when I walked on, I was like, who am I right now? Yeah. And I was saying bits about like being part-time hot and stuff, and people like weren't laughing at much. I was like, oh, because I looked like a different person. I did 4 hours of makeup, and people don't talk about how it's a different presentation when you look—

well, Nikki's very great about this. Yes, she's like, you can catch me on one day and I look like this, and then her joke was, and then another day I'm Dax. She said sometimes I'm Kristen Bell. Yeah, that was in one of her specials. No, it wasn't. Yeah, she goes, um, sometimes I'm looking, I'm like, this is working, I'm hot. And you might go to bed with Kristen Bell, but you're going to wake up with— that is so funny. You don't remember? That was in the first interview. And she's like, I hope you got that right. I'm like, I did. You look like a dude. Not that I look like an ugly dude.

That's funny. You're like, you're lucky you could look like me.

Yeah, strong. It's a good joke. Go to bed as Kristen Bell and wake up as—

so funny. So funny.

So how do you decide what we're going to tackle next? Is it like writing songs? You're just like hoping things hit you?

I do have to say, all I cared about was getting that first Netflix special. And then when I finished it, I was like, they need another? That's crazy. It took me 6 years. Like, you need another? And what's tough about stand-up as opposed to like musicians that could play a great song all the time is it feels like winning the Super Bowl doing your Netflix special. And then you go back to the club and it feels like you have to learn how to play football again. Uh-huh. You can't start all over. Do your classics. It's burned. Like, it's like a stand-up rule. So I'm literally going on on stage like, "Kinkles?" Yeah, I've never done that before. Sorry. Like, I'm like, "What is funny?" But it helped me grow as a comic to realize like I wasn't just funny because I had these tested and true jokes from the first special. I was funny because I was being myself, right? And let's now grow and how I express myself.

Yeah, you have a lot of physicality and there's a lot of just you being fucking goofy as hell. Thank you.

I think I'm goofier in this special, this one. Yeah, I think it's a little more confidence maybe. It's infectious. I guess that's the word. Like when I'm on stage, it's great because no could tell me to like stop. I'm like, I got the microphone. Yeah, I could do whatever I want.

Now, are you more nervous because you do some crowd work in this as well? Are you more nervous to do crowd work when it's being filmed versus live? I feel like the stakes are higher.

So this time around, I actually did a lot less crowd work on tour. Like, I was like, I'm getting my hour, but some people would come to see the crowd work. So I have my moments I do it. For this, what I did was I do my material and then I kind of just went off for like 20 minutes at the end doing crowd work. So I'm like, in the 30 minutes, I will get a couple beats. Yeah. So, but I also was like, even if I have no crowd work, I know I have the special I'm proud of. So the crowd work to me was just kind of a cherry on top. But it is like a new thing that it's like, put it in if it's good and you're special. I did keep— some girl messaged me saying there's a bachelorette party here tonight, which I'm like, fuck, like, it's not what I need for my special. So I'm like, I'm going to address it in the beginning. So I'm like, hey, who has a bachelorette tonight? No one says anything. And I'm just like, uh, like so awkward. I'm like, you guys are leaving me for dead.

Like, my enemies are— what the fuck is And finally someone's like, woo! And I'm like, you Canadian-ass polite, quiet bachelorette. Like, fuck you guys for embarrassing me.

Sorry, literally sorry.

Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry. I swear you're celebrating. And I'm like, well, tonight's about me, so shut the fuck up, Alexa. But I have a crowd work at the end. That's something I always do. So I ask guys, have they ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman?

Yeah, this was stressful when I was watching it because I'm like, what would I say? It's an abstract question. It's such a fucked up question.

Yeah, so say it Yeah, you ask dudes, have you ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman? So they know immediately there's a right and wrong answer, and they overthink it a lot. What would you say?

I think I would say filled. Oh, so then you're saying—

you're saying you have thought about it?

Oh yeah.

Well, the first one is, have you ever thought—

oh, have I thought—

oh God, yeah, tons.

A ton of men are just like, no. One guy said stabbing, and I was like, we gotta stop, everyone's upset, we gotta go home. Yeah, guys give the funniest answers when I say what What adjective— nice, explain adjective as a describing word— would you use for how it feels like? And they go white.

Do you think they're afraid to answer?

Well, they don't want to say they're in a crowd of 90+ women, hot girls. Like, my crowd is like, boo! And the guy doesn't want to get stoned.

This guy says warm. Is that—

a guy said warm, which is my favorite answer. It's sweet because it makes no fucking sense.

No, no, no, no, no. Unless he microwaved his cock before. Warm. You feel warm when you're in me.

I've never been cold and been like, if only had a dick in me, I'd be warm.

Yeah, maybe he meant like warm fuzzies. No, he didn't. No, he meant temperature.

Maybe his dick runs hot. Nope. You know, we don't know.

We don't know. But all these boyfriends are coming to the show, which creates this great tension, cuz they want to be made fun of. Like, they'll sit in the front. Someone will DM me like, hey, my boyfriend's sitting next to me, his name's this, like, go in on him.

Yeah, go hard.

And the guy I feel like you guys like it, but with that tension, I love trying to like make us understand each other.

You've already filtered out a lot of dudes.

No single guys are coming to the show.

No single guys. And they should. Bunch of hot girls.

If they were smart, they would. Yeah. And I feel like the guys are liking it because they know that I'm not trying to make it for them. And then they're like, oh, that was actually really funny. It was like really fun time. Like I had these younger guys message me. They're like, we actually learned a lot about sex. Oh, they were like, that was better than Kill Tony. Like I really laughed a lot. And I was like, oh, I made it. But I'm of this opinion of like, there's like a divide between men and women right now, and I love trying to connect us and help us understand each other, but through the tension of comedy. And the guys asking them these questions is so fucking funny. I know there's been fights going home in the car with some couples, but like, I hope they grew from it.

There always are. A good comedy show always— a little post-reflection. Yeah, there's been some Chris Rock ones where you're like, oh, everyone's fucked. Everyone here— like, when he's talking about cheating on his wife. And he's like, when I tell women, they're like, I cannot believe you did that. When I tell men and they're like, oh my God, only two? You must really love her. Like, oh my God, like, what is that car ride home going to be like when he lays that joke out? I mean, whoa.

I know, but I do, I do like to kind of be that female locker room talk to make girls feel less embarrassed about things going on, but then also let guys in on like, you know, this actually is how we're feeling. Yeah, just changing the world.

And then the last thing we have to talk about is you're about to do a scripted show. On Netflix with Poehler and Kay Cannon, who I love Kay to death.

It's in the very early stages. Okay, again, I don't like being put in a box. Amy loves Giggly Squad. I can't even wrap my head around it.

We can share the elation one feels when Poehler likes your show.

There's nothing quite like— I heart Amy Poehler. I'm like, okay, like, stop complimenting me. Do you have any advice for going from stand-up to scripted?

I've gotten to I see you now in the stand-up special, in interviews. There's a version of you right now that is absolutely my favorite. Aw. You're chameleon-like. Thank you. Yeah. In this beautiful way. You've got a lot of different facets, but this version of you is what I wanna see in a scripted show. There's nothing protective about this, and I wanna watch this for hours.

Oh, now I'm gonna cry. Oh, do it.

I love tears. Now we're all gonna cry.

You did a great job. You won the match. I'm proud of you.

He's like, checkmark, he got a gold star.

But let's just shout out Kay Campbell. Oh my God, greatest.

Well, yeah, Kay, I think she actually like was into Bravo. That's what everything I've done kind of comes full circle. Kay is such a powerhouse. So I'm taking this as like, I'm gonna learn a lot from these like incredible women that have done this before me and try to add my own spin to it. I feel like I'm about to enter a really, really tough college class with the best professors ever. Yeah. And I'm just trying to be a sponge to learn from them.

Fun. Yeah. I'm delighted that that's your steward.

To be anointed by those two is meaningful.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I just booked my first small role in a movie. Yeah. And I've been auditioning for like 2 years and like, nice. Nothing. Like, like my husband would make fun of me all the time. I'm like, I still could get it. And he's like, it's been 4 years. I'm like, they go through a lot of people.

Yeah. It's on VOD already.

It's not easy. So I've been like doing my auditions and stuff and I finally booked something and I'm I was like, holy fuck.

And what do you think you figured out from that?

I didn't try that hard in that audition. It's always the one that you're like, oh, fucking on, yeah, need this one.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Always. That's the trick you have to constantly get to, is like—

I was like, I'm never gonna get this. Before, I was like, this is for me.

Yeah, this is mine to lose. You're welcome, I'm here. Yeah, yeah, this is literally mine. Oh, 43-year-old Jewish karate expert. Fuck. They've been watching me.

It's a whole new thing, and I might not like it, but I'm delving into something.

I have 4 fallback jobs, so you'll be fine. You also just need to remember that being a coach—

I want to take lessons. Maybe you can teach me.

I would love—

and I want you to be really hard on me. Oh, you know, hurt me.

So mean. Did you play any sports?

I was a cheerleader.

I was competition cheerleader, state champion 2 years in a row.

Wait, that's fucked up. Girls are getting thrown. Oh yeah, you're getting thrown.

You're doing flips.

She was getting caught by her pussy. She fell on her head sometimes. Yeah, I fell on I got—

well, you know, I am pretty into the CTE world. I don't think I have it, but I can't rule it out.

She has some CTE jokes in her special. Yeah, she loves it.

I think most of us have it. I did a football player in college, and I did CTE charity for free. Wow. The thing is, they make you feel so tiny because, you know, I have big calves. I can't be with one of these, like, poets. This guy pick you up and stuff? In the special, I joke that, like, most guys to pick me up— like, they can, like, I'm 5'7", I'm not like massive, but they have to do a whole breath thing.

Like, you were demonstrating with your legs. Yeah, he could lift with his back.

I'm bottom heavy, so yeah, he could throw his back. And then this guy was chucking me over.

Yeah, like nunchucks, a fucking feather.

I was a little feather in the breeze. I felt so daisy. Yes, you know, there are trade-offs for these things. Brain damage, you know. But no, definitely, we didn't— got a figure CT out for sure.

Yeah, okay, well, maybe we can pair up on I didn't know, you know, you were so into it. I think Monica's passionate about it. I do bring it up a lot.

It's out here and no one's talking about it.

She freaked several guests out where she's like, do you think you have CTE? I'm like, Monica, that is not a question.

She's taking notes.

So I'm just curious, so have you been tested for HIV?

I mean, that's as bad as saying that. I also am kind of— it's kind of worse. There's medication for fucking—

it does feel like a doctor slash interview where you're like, there's a gap.

Were you I did call my friend recently and I was like, so just have you been tested recently for AIDS? Because he had hiccups and on ER.

But everyone needs a friend, keep them on their toes. Exactly.

He was like, I haven't had sex in a year. And I was like, but you can get it other ways.

Yeah, there's other ways.

What other ways? Intravenous drug use?

Yeah, no, stepping on needles.

People wear flip-flops.

That's right. And he wears flip-flops. And sometimes he's shaking his dick.

I've watched people date on so many HIV positive theater seat.

Have you ever sat in a movie theater seat and got stabbed by a needle? They tell you to look at the movie theater seat before you sit down.

There's definitely a subway that that's happening.

Exactly. Thank you. That's all I'm saying.

Please find the person for me. I'd love to interview them. Hannah, this has been delightful from the bottom of my heart. You're such a delightful guest. You guys are incredible.

Thank you for inspiring me to podcast, and this is just an honor to be on here. We're so happy to have you.

Everyone watch None of My Business on June 5th on Hulu or Disney Plus if you've coupled it or whatever they call it. Just find it, bundled it, bundled it and steal it.

Disney app, that's what I have to do. Ex-boyfriend's password if you have to.

And then keep your eyes peeled for the Netflix scripted show. Monica will be on it.

Yeah, I'll be on it.

Yeah, maybe a CTE episode. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Angels, right?

Your whole world comes together. Yeah, it makes sense. It starts making sense.

That's our main storyline, actually. Conveniently. Oh, sounds funny.

All right, love you guys. Bye-bye. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. Well, I'm not wearing— I'm wearing a merch shirt.

Yeah, we're both wearing merch because we have new merch coming. We have new merch now, but Coming like next week. So go ahead and put it on your calendar. We have new merch dropping and it's all very cool. There's a limited edition sweatshirt, not this one, but there is a limited edition sweatshirt that means it says limited edition. It does. And yeah. Yeah. And it is what it claims to be.

It's true to its name.

Yes. And it is so cute, but all of it's so cute. And I feel like it's very chic. It's simple, it's wearable. And I'm very happy with it.

Very happy with this new collection. Yeah. You work very hard on it. It. And, um, I appreciate it, and so does Rob. Yes, yes, tell me that, but I know it. June 15th. June 15th.

So that is a week from today. Yes, put it in your cal, guys.

Set an alarm. Do it. So the loudest alarm you have. I did have to take off the shirt I was wearing, which was going to be a conversation starter for us. Oh, you already saw it in the interview.

We can tell people what it said.

I've only had oatmeal meal today, right? Which apparently is my saying. Apparently in our family lexicon, they— that is what the family says I say. Yes. 5 days a week. And I'm inclined to believe them. Yeah. And so now I have a t-shirt that says it.

I know. And Kristen got a shirt that says her saying.

Her saying is, is any— does anyone want to go to bed early tonight? Right. She announces that every single night at 5 PM. Do you want to hear a story? Yes. Okay, so we went to Nashville. Yes. And Lincoln and I went at— on the 6 AM flight. Yeah, crack acid on. Yeah, I was very happy she was willing to do this. We had to leave the house at like 4 in the morning. Yeah. And, uh, she's 13. I wasn't trying to get up at 4 in the morning when I was 13. And she could have gone at night with Delta and Lincoln, or Delta and Kristen. And, um, she came with me, which was really great. And we had a really busy day. We landed and we immediately went and got the boat. She helped me put the boat in the water. Then she's like, let's go to— let's go get something to eat at Sam's on the lake. And I was like, oh, my dream! It's my favorite restaurant on the lake. We go there. Yeah, docking the boat, dock it, get out, go to put the rope around the cleat. And you already know this about me, but for the folks that don't know, I have two pair of reading glasses and I refuse to take them out of where I use them.

I— one stays in here because I have to read in here, and then one stays on my nightstand, right? And they never leave other than if I travel. I bring the one pair down.

What if you need it upstairs?

I'll come grab them from here, but I'll return them from here. So, okay. And The point is I will not bring them to a restaurant where I need them the most. I cannot read any menus anymore. I'm the guy in the restaurant that has the bright light on a menu so I can see it. Okay. And to the point where Delza was like, why don't you bring your glasses? And I'm like, I'm, I'm too afraid to lose them. She's like, why don't you get a cheap pair? Exactly. Which is a great solution. Anyways, I broke this rule. I was like, I'm gonna bring my glasses to the restaurant and I'll be able to read the menu, right? And they were in my, um, shirt collar. And when I bent over to put the rope on the cleat, they immediately just fell off of my shirt collar into the water. Yes. Uh, and I just watched them sink to the bottom of this very murky area where people park boats next to a restaurant on a lake. Yep. But I get to a point where I have let it go. Okay. By the end of the night, I've let it go.

We have a wonderful time. We have a very fun lunch on the floating dock.

And also, were you like, I'm— I knew I mean, I'm the smartest. I just knew. I knew it wasn't supposed to bring these. I'm validated.

Everyone sucks. I didn't feel vindicated or validated. I just went to straight like, goddamn it, those were expensive. I love them. I knew I shouldn't have taken them out. Yeah, I was just in trouble. Not like I was right. Okay, I come up with a plan. That's what it is. Okay, I'm gonna get— she— Lincoln says it, why don't you get one of those fishing magnets? I go, what the hell is a fishing magnet? She's, you never seen these fishing magnets. So people use these magnets at the bottom of lakes and oceans now, and they pick their metal.

They pick up metal. Okay, so you hadn't given up on them?

No, we're still like, how do we get them back loosely? And she's like, you should get this magnet thing. So I order it that day, maybe even at the dinner. Okay. It arrives that following day, and I'm like, well, before we drive out there, I have the same frames in a sunglasses. Mhm. Let's see if they even are magnetic or would be picked up by a magnet. Yeah, test it. No. Oh, ouch. So I'm like, uh, now you bought this thing, but this thing also came with this weird hook that you drag. It looks a little bit like the hook in the machine you drop down to win a stuffed animal, right? So it's got that. So Lincoln is like, we'll go back and we'll use the hook and we'll drag it along the bottom. Okay. I'm like, that's not gonna work. Okay. But I recognize how sweet it is that she really wants to get my glasses back. So all 4 of us drive up, not on the boat but in the car. We go— we had filmed where it happened, so we know exactly where they went in. And we start doing the hook thing.

We're doing that for probably 10 minutes, no luck of course. And Delta goes, I'm going in. Oh no. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, I brought bathing suit. I said to myself, my dad does so many nice things for me. If I'm not willing to get in there and find those glasses, what am I doing? And I go, hold on, you brought your bathing suit in anticipation that you might have to get in and try to find them? She's like, yes, Monica, this water could not be murkier.

I don't want her to go in there.

Yeah, it's like, it's about, it was probably 2.5, 3 feet deep next to the dock, and it is murky as it gets, and boats are coming in and out, and it's getting churned up, and fuck knows what's on the bottom.

Exactly, bacteria too.

She got in there in her bathing suit and she was using her feet to feel around this whole area. God knows also where they floated to. Knives down there, uh, that was a concern of mine. But I was so moved by this little girl, and people would walk by and Delta's just like up to her shoulders with her trying to find my glasses with her feet. It is suggested that if we had a snorkeling mask, we could probably— no one's face should go fucking down swim in the lake, so I wasn't terrified about that. So Kristen is deployed to go to the gas station dock, uh, you know, 200 yards away to see if they have snorkeling masks. She thinks she's seen that in there. I'm like, they don't have that in there, whatever. She's on her walk back. I see she's not holding a snorkeling mask. I go, no snorkeling mask? She goes, the diver will be here in 30 minutes. Oh my God, what? She goes, yeah, I was in there trying to buy a mask and the guy that worked there said, you know, there's diver that works on the lake. That's all he does is he gets shit out.

Oh, that's his job. It's $150. The glasses were more than that. Oh, okay. So we wait a half hour. This dude rolls up in a pickup truck. He gets out, he drops the bed of his truck. He's got his snorkel equipment. He's just in board shorts. Older dude. And a little chit-chat with him. He was lovely. He hops in, Monica. He hopped in and then he hopped out and I was like, oh, something's wrong with his regulator or something. He's holding them. Yeah, he's fucking holding them. Wow. The celebration we We'd been there at that point for over an hour trying to get these glasses. I had written them off. He went down and he came right up and fucking had them. Then he— then we start— got to talking to him about that job. Um, what does he get called in? What has he found? Bridge. Someone lost their bridge. Not to be confused with a car bridge. Their teeth. Oh, that front rack of teeth people get called a bridge. Oh, said some dude's bridge fell out while he was swimming. Oh, he's like, I'm never gonna be able to find these teeth.

He said he went down and it's just like dark bottom. He's just— he's smiling teeth. God, how clean.

Like, how clean. Oh, he said he put the teeth immediately in his mouth.

Yep, he said he took him out of his hand and popped him in his mouth.

That is so disgusting.

Well, that's for a living, my friend.

That is so disgusting. He got a parasite. He won't. And if he calls into Armchair Anonymous, I won't have compassion.

You're not gonna? Okay. Um, he won't look for rings. He's like, it's a lost cause.

All of the things.

That's the thing. These are too tiny. It goes into the silt. There's just no way you're gonna find it.

Not that committed.

Uh, no, I think he's learned the hard way. You don't ever paid.

He you should look. What if it's right there?

Yeah, in his experience, you can't really find a ring. Okay, well, let me challenge that.

One time I was at the beach with, um, Anthony and Allison and some other people, and Anthony dropped his wedding ring in the sand. This is death, you know? You're not finding it. But we were like, we're We're gonna find it. We found it.

But did he ever leave the area he was standing when it fell off? Does he know exactly? He must have. Where exactly where it fell off. So you at least had like a perimeter sitting.

We were all sitting and hanging, so it was like, okay, it's like around here.

How long did it take to find it?

I forgot. I don't, I don't remember how long it took, but like, and you know the thing when you're like scooping up the sand but then it's going deeper? Yeah, it's going deeper. But it was found. So miracles can happen.

Oh yeah, yeah, people find rings, but this guy has learned that he's going to be out there for 2 hours and he's not going to get the ring, and the people are going to want him to keep looking. And he already charged, you know, you're not hiring him for the full day for 150.

Limit for 150, but he should still do it because if he finds someone's wedding ring, engagement ring, like, that's a joy. Yeah, the amount of joy.

I was pretty pumped about my reading glasses. Okay, I don't have wedding rings, so I don't—

I can't. So how did you clean it, or did you put it right back on your face?

I put in my mouth. Good. I'm gonna clean these off with my mouth. Oh my God. Yeah, I did, I did clean them when I got home. There's a little scratch, but I can't see it when I got the glasses off. I'm delighted. I, I had written them off, like the whole trip there. I was just being a, a good team player. I was like, my children want to help their dad, so I'm gonna go and, and allow that. And, um, no hope of getting the glasses. So when he popped back out with my glasses, it like Christmas. That's exciting. It was very exciting.

Now, what have we learned from this? That you're gonna get some cheap ones to kind of move around the world in. I think you should.

I think I should too. I just— I'm trying to imagine when I'm gonna do that.

Dax, I need you to just for one second imagine this was reversed and I told you this story. Yeah, I know you'd be like, okay, so there's a— there's a really good solution that you're just doing. Yeah.

You know what I would do? I'd go, what's your prescription? No, you wouldn't. And I'd stop at the drugstore and buy you readers. And I'd come in one day and I'd go, here's your readers. That's a lie.

You wouldn't do that. You'd be like, you know what, if you can't help yourself with this just very basic solution, you don't deserve it. That's what you would say to me with your mind. All right. And sometimes with your mouth. Okay. So I want you to just order 8 glasses.

I guess I could order them. I still associate readers with the drugstore because that's where I— I do have a couple cheap sets of readers, but they don't work obviously as well as my—

I mean, they won't work as well, but that's not for your major— that's just for dinner. You're right.

Yeah. So just get 8 of them. I just leave a bunch on the bar everywhere. Yeah, everywhere I look there's just cheap glasses. Every restaurant you go to frequently. Oh yeah, mail it to them. Is there a place I can keep these? Yeah, by the way, restaurants should have, yeah, 4 or 5 different prescription readers. And then when they see a guy like me pull out his flashlight, they just swing by and they're like, will you plus 4? I don't even know what it— how it works, but right, plus 105.

I just— I think liability-wise, because of eye sicknesses, pink eye, you think that's what's preventing them?

Yeah, I just think they haven't had the idea. But that would be— that'd be that little touch. That would be like— that's what Noma would have. Oh, you mean Nobu?

No, Noma. Noma.

You just learned about Noma. No, I knew about Noma because you did. You have friends who were going there when we were in Norway— or no, when we were in Denmark. Friends were like, oh, we're gonna be in Denmark, and they were going just for that restaurant. Yeah, it's a whole thing.

Yeah. Okay, I update. Okay. Um, I think some people have seen this, but if you haven't, if you listen to the Luke Malone, Elizabeth Luterno fact check, that's the one where I told, um, a harrowing story about me almost pooping in my car. Uh-huh. And I had left a friend's house where I was playing mahjong. Yeah. And, um, we debriefed, we debriefed, and I told the story. Yeah. Uh, the people whose house I was at didn't know about the story. Okay. And I didn't say who they were on the fact check, but I did think, God, it might get back to them. But you know. Yeah. And so the other day I get a, I get a call. Okay. Okay. And we're recording and I see that this person's calling me. Mm-hmm. And I get kind of nervous. You know, anytime someone who doesn't normally call you calls you, it's a little nerve-wracking. But then he left me a voicemail.

Hey Monica, it's Andy. I was just thinking about you, and I know this is kind of random, but I just had this thought. Like, if you're ever at our house and you need to use the primary bathroom, um, you can definitely do that. We would be more than honored for you to use that restroom. And we know it can be a little awkward in our house, sort of like, um, if you need a little extra privacy or something, because there are two doors to the where you can close the bedroom door and then you can close the bathroom door. It gives more privacy.

That's the better one because the other one— also, there's the new wallpaper, which we wouldn't want to have exposed to anything. Um, but you are welcome, welcome with open arms to use that bathroom anytime you need. Yeah. All right. Well, so that was very funny.

I saw a text.

It was this voicemail. It's just— it's written out.

Oh, and then you wrote, I don't know what you're talking about. That's very funny, your response.

Oh, then yes, I responded. I said, I said, I want to hear that part. Okay, so I listened to the voicemail, and then he later was like, did you get my voicemail? Yeah. And I said, wow, what a random thing to tell me. It's appreciated, but I have no idea why you would possibly tell me that. I don't ever need to go to the bathroom, and if I do, I prefer to use my car, but thanks. I prefer to use my car. Okay, so that, you know, that's great.

That was permission. This isn't an I told you so, but I'm just saying that's— that was my prediction, that they'd feel so honored to have you go extra hard in there.

I know. I mean, I knew that they would be fine with it, but I'm still not fine with it. You're not fine. And you know, Jess is really struggling with this story. He like— he's frustrated with you. He is actually like, I can't believe you wouldn't just go in that house.

I'm sure he's in the same zone I get where I actually get a little angry at you about the farting. It's just like, I don't like the idea of you being miserably uncomfortable because of your shyness or your fear people are going to judge you or exclude you. I don't like that thought for you.

I know. Well, let me tell you, those are different because I never need to fart and I'm not farting. I don't. I promise. Monica. Monica. Dax, this isn't that scenario.

Okay, but now hold on. Hey, this is where we're jabbing the beehive here. All right, jab away. Previous position and our previous arguments always centered around the fact that, no, you do have to fart as much as me, but I am a boy who is arrogant and I just think I'm entitled to fart. And I've suggested that there must be something biologically different about you and I because I have to fart all the time. And the notion I could not fart during the day is insane to me. But you're telling me you are not at all resisting the urge to fart?

I'm not. But I think that's learned body behavior. Like, because I didn't. I just don't. I don't out of respect, or I didn't out of respect for so long.

Like, I don't have to. I just think you don't have to, and then you're giving yourself the compliment that you're respectful, but you're not even fighting the urge.

Well, now I don't know what position to take.

That's right, you've really— you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner on this.

I don't— I'm not gassy. There we go. I'm not. That's great. But I think even But even if I was, yeah, I mean, I guess, look, in my life, have there been times where I'm like, oh, like, okay, like, I kind of need to— I gotta hold it. Yeah.

Um, that's a funny thought, holding a fart. I know. Yeah, as if you could grab it, hold it in.

I mean, I— but yeah, I would. I'd hold it in. I wouldn't just let it out. Right. But if you had 63 of those urges in a day, we gotta get on some—

you might— you might go, I can't. What am I talking about? I can't go through life like this.

Well, this is interesting 'cause when I was telling the, you know, I was telling the Elizabeth and Andy story to Anthony and Allison, my other two friends that I was playing mahjong with. 'Cause also I was like, if you guys heard that story, just, it's not your house. Oh, okay. You know, I needed to tell them. Oh, sure. And so then we got on this conversation about farts and like, I, okay, you know how you can like control the sound by kind of like pulling your butt cheek apart.

Yeah.

Hyperextending your butt cheeks. Like you can pull it apart and create more of an airway.

Well, less resistance for the air to make noise against.

Right, so it's just coming straight out. And it does make a sound if you do that. Right. But I think— Have you done that?

I can't imagine why you would need to do that.

I have done it. I have done that. You've done that? But not like—

In what context? For fun? I mean— Maybe in bed. For fun?

Like, yeah, just like running little experiments.

Like, I don't even like to hear it on my own, really. Oh, I do, I do.

I know, you're sick. Yeah.

Okay, but it's a hilarious noise.

But like, yeah, I get embar— I'll like be embarrassed by myself. Wow. Yeah, I have a high, high, high level of embarrassment in life.

So you're in your bed by yourself and you're You hear, and you're like, oh my God, Monica. Like, you have a— I don't say, oh Monica, what are you doing? Are you like, Monica, stop it.

No, I'm just like, I just would get like, oh, you get started. Yeah, I would get started, get a flush of embarrassment, and kind of like, I hope nobody saw her. But you know, no one's there.

Can I urge you to mount this topic with your therapist to see what she has to say about that?

You really sound like Jess because he's like, what? He's basically like, what's going on? What's with your embarrassment. Uh-huh. Which is, I know what's going on. Like, yes, I had a deep, deep fear of getting ostracized, so I was not embarrassing. And I'm very aware of doing anything embarrassing. And unfortunately for the people in my life, I'm extremely aware of when other people are doing things that are embarrassing as well. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it— I get secondhand very, very easily for sure.

But you would look at me currently—

uh-oh, arriving now. Um, Rob, can you pick up our very warm— because of Dax's colostrum addiction, this is breast milk addiction.

Um, you would— yeah, hear me say I have enormous fear that I'm gonna be financially insolvent. Yeah. And you would go, Dax, you got to get over that. That's an old fear. Yeah. That like doesn't even make sense It makes zero sense. And you being ostracized just doesn't make any sense anymore.

This— well, I've never farted and it was so stinky around people. I've never done that. You have secured finances, so like—

no, but hold on. In our friendship group, many of us fart.

The men, not the women. I mean, they do, but they don't— they, they don't like out, out and about like you guys do. Anyway, this is circling back back to like my whole point. Okay, so you guys are grocery shopping? No. Yeah, I also ordered a sandwich.

Oh, um, looks like you got like produce in there. Oh, thank you.

This is Dax's colostrum arrived again. Thank you, Rob. Um, cow breast milk is here. I have no idea if something is going to smell or not, okay? Like when it's in my body, I You don't fart enough. Maybe, but I, I— there's no way for me to know this. And you— I do think it's arrogant for you guys to be like, oh, I know this one is like, oh, smile.

Well, hold on. If you have a lot of farts and you let them out a lot, I'm sure Rob will agree with me, you have a sensation. Okay, Rob doesn't fart a lot. Oh, that's right, he's not a big farter. But I mean, he bet he farts a ton by himself. Do you? My point is you often you— there's a signature heat, there's a heat signature in the body, in the bowels. Yeah, where you're like, oh, this is, this is not safe for public consumption. Oh my God, you do, right? Yeah, you can feel when they are gonna be putrid. This is okay.

I do need people to comment. I really do. I need people to comment and say whether you experience this or not. And if— and gender, please.

Now, am I wrong? Yeah. A lot of times I'm like, I think we're good, or I've already tooted 3 or 4 times and I didn't smell anything, and I think, I think we're just good for the day, and then it turns. But in general, I would say with 80% accuracy, I know whether they're gonna smell or not.

Okay, now the original question I wanted to ask is the technique cheek of—

of— I have incredible sphincter— spreading your butt cheek.

Oh, uh-huh. To let it out.

Can we talk more about when you did that?

Hold on.

Okay, trying to picture you reaching back. You couldn't have been in public.

Yeah, that's my whole point. Okay, so that there's no smell— um, I mean, I'm so sorry, that there's no sound. Um, can you do that hands-free?

Make it quiet? Yeah. Yeah. How? You have to really slowly and gently let it leak out. You can't push. You get that sensation when you have fart, it's like uncomfortable, you got to push. It's almost like you got to pop it, you know?

Well, you got to get it out.

You got to get it out. And so your body tells you to push it. Like, your nature is to be in the woods and push it out and get that gas out of there. Sure. But you can— this is why I was probably be good at anal. I can relax, I have good control and I can relax. No, but relaxing— there's a way to relax where it's just letting it slowly leak out if you're a pro. What? Rob? Yeah, I know what he's talking about. Hands-free?

Well, yeah, but you're using your weight to shift.

What do you mean? Like, I can't start gyrating around. I was having this conversation with them and like some of them claim they can go hands-free. And I was like, that's insane. And here you are. And I think you can because I rarely hear it, but you do say like, oh, I farted, or oh, does it smell? And I haven't heard anything. So I guess I didn't know if you just had nonverbal— nonverbal farts.

Yeah, no, I have verbal farts, but for the most part I can't can, um, dampen that, you know. I can, I can modulate.

And have you ever been wrong about that? Like, you thought you were okay?

Oh, that's a noise. Oh, now Aaron, I don't think can do that. As you've heard Aaron's farts, right? Yeah, they're infamous.

Yeah, they're high-pitched.

It sounds like when you take a balloon and you just let the little bit of air squeak out by pulling it apart. Okay, it's the highest pitched. Okay, I don't think he'd be good at anal.

Do we think he has just a a very tight—

that's what I'm just saying. I don't, I don't think he would be good.

I think that's what I'm dealing with.

You think you have an extra tight? Yeah. Okay, well, that's a nice compliment.

Just, I just know my body. Like, imagining doing that hands-free— are yours loud?

Are yours squeaky? They're not. Are they thunderous?

Or thunderous?

God, I want them to be thunderous.

They're not thunderous. You're so tiny. Every now knowing that.

If I was like, I came into your house and you didn't know, and I was like walking around downstairs, and then you— I just heard like, like really bassy. I would be delighted. You know, that little tiny person up there sounds like an elephant.

I mean, I would venture to say, because I don't fart a lot, right? If I do, if I must. Yeah, when Um, if, uh, yeah, there's a lot of air. Yeah, sure. Because, because if I only have a little air, I just— it goes back up in my body.

Okay, it becomes a burp or— no, it leaks out of your skin.

Never burp. Okay, that's like— sometimes when you are burping so much, I, I think it's a tic, actually, which sometimes I do kind of think it's a little bit of a tic for you, but that's okay. It's—

I love it. I, I can direct I know my tics. It's not a tic.

I don't think you know, okay? Because I don't think you always know you're doing it. I think sometimes you're, you're like burping and stuff and, and it's going unnoticed, like you, because it's a tic. But also, I do—

you can't have that as a tic because you can't manufacture gas in your— well, you can swallow air and— but I've never been able to do that.

So automatic burp? Yeah, yeah.

Like, I always had friends in junior high I can do that. Do it right on command. That was good. I bet he could fart on command. I bet he does fart on command, but he's not letting us know. Trust us. Why don't you trust us? Do you know what, you feel a little betrayed by it now?

No, I want everyone to be very open around me. Yeah, you just don't want to be open. It does. Look, sometimes—

Jess, that's because he's your brother and your husband.

Exactly.

And when it's And he farts a lot.

Well, he doesn't around me. Oh, he doesn't?

You've broke him of that? Or does he step outside a lot? No, but you know me, I call it out and away. I do out and away.

Oh yeah, out and away is nice because that's not, that's not, um, endangering anyone or disrespecting anyone in the space. Yeah. Um, Jess has learned, and I do feel, I guess I feel guilty about this, but do I? Not really. Yeah, but when it's your brother, you're smart enough to know you should say you feel guilty, but in your heart you don't.

I don't.

But when it's your brother-husband, um, I also think it's a little bit on you. Like, remember when you, you told— you guys say, like, if, if there's like a big hair coming out of your nose or something, like, it's on your spouse to say, I'm getting out.

Typically, we went out to eat with a couple and the man had several long, very noticeable hairs growing out of his nose, and we left and I said she does not love him, and they got divorced like, uh, 3 months later. That's a real story.

It was the only indicator about the nose hairs, or was there some other—

to me was a big, like, what is going on in this relationship? I can see from across the table that he has 3 or 4 very prominent hairs growing out of his nose. You're sitting neck to him. I know. Well, she didn't need glasses to read the menu. Why aren't you telling your husband about this?

But do you think— okay, but there is— some people are really sensitive, really sensitive. And maybe she had tried before, and maybe he was like, stop being so critical of me. And so maybe she's learned, like, okay, I don't think that's a place I can go.

That's possible, obviously. Mhm. But I have been in several relationships. I know a lot of people in relationships, and that is why you're in a fucking relationship, so that you can have one person you're not sensitive around that can pop the zits on your back, who you can fart around. Like, it's just too exhausting to be hiding all this disgustingness that we all carry. And that's what the point of it is. Like, I'm linking up with someone to just fucking drop the charade, be myself, and hopefully they love me.

But you're already doing that.

You're already farting and Well, but like, you know, I'm very sensitive about my anus, as you know. I've talked about it a lot, and I have let Kristen shave my anus for work, and that's not something I'm like gonna line up to let people do.

Why don't you show it on here and get real vulnerable?

No, I already showed it on— this is the movie if you want to see that. They didn't use the take with my anus on display, thank God. It would have given them a different rating for sure.

You think it's that. Okay, maybe this is ding ding ding connecting to the fart silencing. Like, maybe you guys who can, who can let it out with silence, maybe you guys have huge assholes.

Maybe. I don't think mine is.

Let's call it Aaron. Let's ask him if he can go hands-free.

Aaron's anus, of course.

And it's tight.

It looks the same as mine, but both of us agree it's very unattractive part of us. Well, of everyone. Not ever be looked at. Not everyone. Often women have beautiful buttholes. Yeah, print it, quote it, print it, clip it, send it, send it directly to Daily Mail or whatever one hates me.

Yeah, beautiful. Okay, that's just because you like— you're attracted to women.

But I like— no, if you showed like 10 pictures men's assholes and 10 pictures of women's assholes to AI and you said which one's more disgusting, for sure AI without any—

why would they be that different? They're hairy. Uh, well, women, okay, that's— let's stig— they're—

that stigma, okay? Because even if they're hairy, Monica, men have more hair on their butt than women. That's— we can say that. Yeah, and their cheeks and their chin and their mustache, right?

Yes, they do. It's okay, they do. But no, but also, but I'm just saying, like, women do, and then you shave or wax or whatever.

I've seen hair on women where you get electrolysis, and it did not look like hair on men's buttholes. I'll just say that.

Okay, okay. Now, now, now, just do you think he could go hands-free with the asshole you've seen weekly?

Yeah, no, he could spread it apart with everything.

I think it would still squeeze even if he moves it with with his hands? We gotta ask.

Yeah, I know he's done it. Well, oh, my son doesn't love me anymore.

Fuck. Well, okay. All right, um, all right, well, I guess let's do something. Yeah, clean it up. Let's clean it up for Hannah. Yeah, let's do that. Ding ding ding, cleanup. Oh, um, that didn't—

that went in the wrong direction again. Reset, take 2. Cleanup. The cleanup. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. I loved Hannah Bernhardt.

Yeah, she was so fun. She was so fun. Yeah, I agree. It's happening to a good person. Yeah, we like that.

Yeah, I'm glad I wasn't a professional. Professional athlete. Wow. I mean, I'm glad you weren't either, because just a life of like singularly focused life from like 8 until 20 on this thing, I— that's not for me.

It's not for you, but it's also why, like, you not wanting that is also why you aren't one, you know what I mean? It's all tied together. It's like that— your outlook on life and what you want life to look like and be doing. Yeah. Is not conducive to— no. Yeah, I want way too many experiences.

Yeah, it's funny, uh, I just came up with this theory this morning in the dentist chair. Oh, oh yeah, you got dental work. Are you getting work? I— but I got the edges polished. Anyways, that's work. Yeah, yeah. But I was talking to my dentist and he was telling me about his son, and he was talking about, you know, he's a soccer player, and like clearly he's putting a ton of effort into it, and he wants him to go to this league because the competition will be higher, and you He's telling me all this stuff, and I'm just listening, and I'm like, I just can't relate, right? Like, I don't desire for my kids to be great at anything.

I know, it's so strange.

I figured it out, though. It has been so strange to me for a very long time. And this morning, for the first time, I think I made sense of it. Okay. Because I'm listening to him, and then I'm thinking about him as a person, and then I'm thinking about me as a person. And I said to him, look, I just came up with this theory, so maybe it doesn't hold any water. But it makes a lot of sense to me that you are this way with your kid because you're a specialist. You have dedicated your life to becoming an expert and a specialist at this thing, dentistry. Yeah, he's also like an expert drawer and stuff. He— that's the type of duties. I said, I'm a generalist. I'm not great at anything. My attack is like, I'd rather know 70% about a lot of things than 100 about about a few things. That's just how I am. Yeah. So yeah, it makes total sense to me that like I'm not looking for my kids to become expert level on anything just because I'm not that way and I'm fine, right?

But don't you still want that for them? No.

If I had to pick whether they were specialists or generalists, obviously I'd prefer they were generalists because obviously I was drawn to being a generalist. I know, but that's—

but that's so much about you.

So same with him. Everyone is. That's like— that's a given, is you have your life experience and then you have these kids kids, you're worried and you hope they'll turn out right. So you want to make sure if you believe in endless hard work and focus, that's how you get to where you want to go. Yeah, if that's the approach you believed in, of course that's the one you pass on, right? My approach was like, no, it was skeddywampus and it was all over the map. And I ultimately landed on being a generalist, which—

but you didn't land on it, that just happened to be where your life went. It's not like it— and where your skills lie. Like, if their skills lie more in niche or specificity, that is what they should do. Like, it's not to ma— it should be to maximize whatever innate skill you have. Well, whether that's being a generalist, I think that's a separate conversation.

So a separate conversation is, um, do I not want them to be what they are naturally are? No. If they want to be specialists, you're going to watch the most supportive dad, right, ever. If If they were pursuing soccer in the way that this kid— Yeah, exactly. I would support it. But given my own nature, I'm just going to be laying out the world as I see it and as I've experienced it. I could be swayed against that if they're showing some interest in being a specialist. Yeah, yeah. But of course, I'm not going to pass on being a specialist because I'm not one. I'm a generalist. So naturally, I'm going to pass on the kind of ethos that a generalist has, which is what I just said. Like, I would rather know 70% about 100 topics than I would want to know 100% about 3 topics. That's just my nature. I— my goal is not to invent something. For a lot of people, their goal in life is to win first place.

You're looking—

and that's great, I'm not against it. Yeah, my goal in life was to be able hang with maximum amount of people on planet Earth. Like, my goal's always been I want to be able to drop into every single group of people and get along, you know? Like, on the weekends I'm hanging out with the drag racers and Kenny on grass shit, and during the week I'm with the fucking art kids and the snowboarders. Like, I just love the variety of people. And so, um, being a generalist suits that ultimate goal of mine, which is just to like be able to fucking hang and move between any group. And some people's goal is like, I want to invent this thing or create the cure for cancer or win the only gold medal. Yeah, both are totally fine endeavors.

Yeah, I mean, I think all of it is too much. I think a goal is like, just find a purpose. Doesn't matter if it's niche, doesn't matter if it's— what doesn't matter what it is, find a purpose.

You just got to stay busy on planet Earth.

Yeah, I mean, that's the reality. But you have to stay busy in a way that makes you feel good, that like makes you feel—

yeah, and you gotta figure that out. Your parents aren't ever going to figure that out.

No, they're not. And I guess there are techniques for doing that, but—

oh, there are, there are, there are many of these people that are specialists that they believe their kids should work hard, they should work harder than anyone else, and they should get better than everyone else. That's what they believe the game of life is. And that's great because for a lot of people that is the game of life.

I know, but it's like you're kind of saying it now as like this like 51-year-old, and that's not really how you behaved. Like when you were at the Groundlings and stuff, like that's specialized and that's working really fucking hard, and it's working harder it's— it is, it's putting in tons of hours. And it's not—

there was Jess right next to me, and Jess went to every single show at the Groundlings. He was friends with all of the upper Groundlings that were in the company. His life was the Groundlings. Yeah, I was going to UCLA, I had a drinking problem, I like to go out, right? I never did it like him, right? And a handful of people— I did the amount I wanted to get on stage and have that but I didn't go all in. You didn't devote your— I didn't, the way, say, Jess did, or several other people I knew. It was too constraining to only have one thing for me. Like, I need lots of things happening. Interesting. So I was saying to you when I was talking to the dentist, the only thing I approach expert level on is cars. Yeah. And I'm not. It's also true I'm not. Tom Hanson knows more than— Jay Leno knows more than me about cars, right? Jay Leno is a specialist on cars, right? Right. And I'm damn good. I can talk to 90% of the people, can't leave me in the dust on cars, right? But that's what I'm saying, that's the one that's probably I'm closest to an expert on, and I'm not even close to an expert on that.

Yeah. So anyways, I do think it impacts how you raise your kids. Yeah, I was like, why aren't I going like, you gotta— we gotta get you harder opponents and play in the next league. You know, like, I just— I can't even find that desire in me. Again, I would support it.

No, that's not true. When you take Lincoln to the driving area—

what's it called?

Karting. Karting. And she's doing well where she is.

You're like, we're going up. Yeah, you are. Again, these are all like— yes, you're 100% right. These are all shades of commitment. It's like, yes, do I want her to learn the racing line and learn to brake? And again, I hope she reaches a level that when she goes to go-kart track with all of her friends, she can win, right?

So that, that, yeah, that requires—

but then going to another league and having to be the best carter in LA and then the best in California and the best— like, that part I just, I lose interest in. I want to go have fun and hopefully I'll win. I don't not like winning. I like being— especially driving. Yeah. Um, yeah, but I don't have that gear, right? And I don't think it's good or bad. I just don't think I have that.

Yeah, everyone's different.

A lot of people would have had these like fun trips with the cart with Lincoln, and they would have gone and got a coach by now if they wanted, if Lincoln wanted. They're like that, right? Like, well, you got— we got to get you a coach, and we got— there's all these steps we could be taking.

There are variations. There's a one way of looking at life, this is how my parents did it, you know. You— yeah, you working hard is the whole thing. Yeah, it's not the gifts you've been given. Like, you're smart, doesn't matter if you're smart. If you aren't working hard, no one cares. Yeah, it won't do anything. So that was very instilled of, it's a game of hard work. And but yeah, they're not like 'Oh, we see you, see you show some aptitude here, so we're gonna like go get you a coach.' It's— it was all on me. Yeah, it was like, 'This is how you do it. Now it's on you to do that.' Yes. Which I appreciate. I appreciate that. I think that is definitely, if I had children, what I would impart as well. Like, it's, it's, it's time to work hard if you care about this thing. If you don't care about it, who cares? If you do, I'm definitely someone that's like, devote it all.

Yeah, I think my bigger desire than being great at any one of these activities is like, I want to be competent in everything. Like, and once I get to competent, like, I'm pretty much— my journey's over. Like, if I go to the motorcycle track and I ride with the guys and I'm totally competent, some days I'm the fastest there, some days I'm not. Like, I do that thing, they know I do that. That's enough. I don't need to be my friend Josh Herron, who's winning seeing the AMA fucking Superbike, you know. Yeah, anyways, I can't relate. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah, it is fun. Everyone's so different.

Yeah, I think everyone's inclination is like, you evaluate a difference and then the first impulse is like, what one's right and which one's wrong. And I think that's the thing you gotta fight against in your mind all the time.

There's no right or wrong, but there is what works for you and what doesn't work for you. You know. So yeah, yeah, that was—

anyways, that was about Hannah's extreme tennis journey.

Yes. I mean, what I do believe, and this episode I think kind of reiterates that a little bit, is I— or reiterated to me, like, I think supporting your kid, of course, is like the most important thing, but the level of investment in your kids' um activity is a fine line to ride. I think—

well, I think the people that are in that position need to constantly be policing themselves about whether it is their desire or their own desire. That's, I think, the line. Yeah, that needs to be navigated well. Yeah, because I think if it could easily be like they're a reflection on you, you've put all this time into it, so if they when I win, it is your win as well. Right. And if you're kind of sucked into that aspect of it, that feels like something you'd want to be conscious of.

Yeah, I think it's tricky. I think it's very slippery for everyone involved in that. Okay, what does Marcello's girlfriend do? And yes, she did go to Yale, and I said she was an architect, and she is. She's an architect? She's a co-founder of BASA. I don't know what that is. B-A-S-A. An architect, artist, and furniture designer. Oh, master's of architecture from Yale.

Oh, very cool.

Now, the ethnic breakdown of Wisconsin: 78% white, white, 8% Hispanic/Latino, 6% Black or African-American, 3% Asian, and 1% Native American. That'd be probably a tough place for me. I mean, tough. I mean, 8% is low.

Oh, and your count— they mean— they mean Asia. No, they're including India. I know, but that's not even— yeah, we both know that. That—

no, you think you know. Yeah, we both know. No, we don't. Um, okay, so tapping— she talked about tapping. Um, tapping, or emotional freedom techniques, is a mind-body practice that combines acupressure and Cognitive Therapy. By lightly tapping on 9 specific body meridians while focusing on an anxious thought, you send calming signals to the amygdala to quietly regulate your nervous system.

Hmm. Are you gonna learn those 9 meridians?

Nah. Okay. I think I'm good for now. I mean, I can circle back if I need it.

Yeah, you do wrestle with anxiety from time to time.

Yeah, I haven't really in a while, I don't think. I mean, I'm trying to think I think like— Grown out of it. Yeah. Or just maybe because I have been in therapy for so long and I have worked on a lot of things that maybe— I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. Here we go. I have good wonders.

Yeah, you have really nice wonders.

Sometimes I wonder when I was having all of those when I was having panic attacks, but they were very physical. Um, and I, you know, I felt like I was like disassociated, and I— but I was here, but I like couldn't like get my brain like back. Now I'm like, were those seizures? Oh wow. Not, not obviously not, um, grand mal seizures, but the other kind, petit mal. That's how they look. And so there is a part of me that's like, maybe you were having little seizures. Was happening then. Yeah. Petite. Petite. So cute. So cute. So I don't know if I ever had anxiety.

Oh, now this might make you self-conscious. Tell me. It's very memorable when you see someone have a seizure. Oh my God, I know. Have you seen No, I've seen— which kind?

I've seen both. Petimals are less— they're like, they're just very— they're very—

I've talked about my uncle a million times. He had to have the cord or cut in his brain. He had really intense epilepsy. And yeah, one time at my birthday party at the— our equivalent of Benihana, it wasn't called that, but it was a Japanese steakhouse. Yeah, hibachi grill or whatever. And like, all of a sudden I just looked at him, he's like holding his plate weird. I'm like, what's he— why is he holding this plate? And then he started like leaning forward, and then like, then the plate spilled, and all this other stuff started happening. And yeah, what was really obvious is like, I just remember checking in with his face and I'm like, oh yeah, he's not here. Like, he's not experiencing this at all. That's what's crazy about it. And then, then a grand mall and a movie theater one time where it's like someone yelled for a doctor, someone said put your wallet in their mouth. It was like a scene out of a movie.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know. This girl had one in the cafeteria. Oh, I remember you telling me. It's so— I'll I'll never— it is seared. It is seared in my brain. It was so scary and so like, oh, worst place. Also, my friend Charles had one in, in a movie theater, but I wasn't there for that.

If you had to pick between farting really loud and it reeked, ah, or having a seizure in the cafeteria. Yeah, and everyone was like, same level of awareness. People were like, oh, Monica farted, fuck, would you eat cabbage? You know, like, it immediately started— it's that. This is the seizure.

This is the worst.

Would you rather I would pick seizure? Yeah, yeah, because at least I can't control it. I would imagine you'd be afraid that that smell would be permanently linked to people's image of you, that even they were just thinking about you in a different classroom months later, they would be able smell bad.

Well, I think either way you're linked to that experience for the rest of your life. Yeah, but one is like, eee, like one is like scary a little bit and the other is gross. And so I'd pick scary. Good pick.

Even though health-wise you should pick farting. I know, so much easier on your body. Yeah, yeah.

Um, but I, uh, I think about that. Look, Monica, gas! Stop it.

Oh, fuck, Monica, would you eat a McRib?

Stop. That's never happened to me. Um, I do think about it all the time because I looked like that and people saw.

Oh, uh-huh.

Thank God it was just my people, girlfriends. I know, but like, I think all the time, ew, like, they saw me look So crazy.

Yeah, but I had seen one of my girlfriends— my girlfriend lost consciousness and her like eyes rolled back in her head. I guess maybe it was a seizure, maybe it was. And I still thought she was beautiful afterwards. I didn't— it didn't like impact how I saw her at all other than just she scared me.

Yeah. Did you cry?

No, I, I picked her up and carried her to my mother's hotel room. Oh. And I said, we gotta go, we gotta go to the hospital.

Oh yeah, this is when you were having Sex. Don't bring it. You've told it. You've talked about it. Okay, you are— oh, this is way different.

It was post-coital.

And what happens?

I'm not gonna go into it, but no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay.

Um, yeah, I was 19. It was a little scary. A little? Yeah. And we had to go—

you never get that scared.

I was pretty scared.

You were? Yeah.

Well, because she was 18, I was 19. Her parents knew she was on this trip. I was doing a car show, right? Thank God your mom was like, I'm more responsible for her and I love her. So I'm like, I, I got quite scared that something was wrong with her. But anyways, we went to the, uh, like an emergency room, and I don't even know where we were. I think we're in the South somewhere. And they just could not get off of what drugs have you guys done, what drugs have you guys done. How much have you I haven't drank. We smoke a lot of cigarettes. Yeah, that's about all I can tell you.

Scary. I hope whoever— if I marry anyone, that they cry when I have a seizure. Yeah, well, I hope I don't have one ever again, obviously, but—

right, but if you have one, I want them to cry even at the thought of it. Yeah, you would like that. You know who cried?

Kristen. Did she? Yeah, she got rid— well, not during it. Yeah, when we were in the hospital, I was still felt out of, like, weird for a while after that. And then, you know, we were at the hospital and the doctor came and was talking to me and like kind of asking me questions or whatever. And then she looked— Chris was behind— she looked over and she goes, 'I know it's scary.' And I looked, I was like, 'Oh, she's crying.' It was very sad.

And then I was like, 'Ugh, I traumatized everybody.' What if he said, 'Do you know why you're here, Miss Padman?' And you said, 'Did I have a seizure?' And No, you farted and they all smelt it. And that's why she's crying. And she wants it. She wants to know if you want to make rib with cabbage. Stop it.

You're always trying to make me gross and it's you who's gross.

Oh my God. Okay, we haven't done many facts.

Yes, we've done a lot. Oh, the Chris Rock joke about cheating. Is like, men are only as faithful as their options. Yeah, yeah. I'll play it.

Okay. Man is basically as faithful as his options.

That's how faithful a man is.

No more, no less.

They see all these fat Republican guys going, I would never do such a thing. This is a travesty. I'm like, nobody's trying to blow you. Ain't no 20-year-old girls trying to blow Orin Hatch.

Ain't nobody trying to get Newt Gingrich's son. I don't give a fuck.

You ain't never gonna hear Newt Gingrich go, man, I wish these hoes would back up off me. I wish they would just back the fuck up off of brother. It's hard for a man to turn down sex.

If it chase us, we can't run that fast. They gonna catch us! We're like—

oh shit, pull the hamstring! It got me, it got me, it got me! That was an impressive routine. I think that's when he came out and his whole routine was about him admitting he cheated. I know there was a special.

I don't know if this is that one. Maybe, maybe it is. He did— I remember that. Yeah, it was rad.

Yeah, I mean, not— it's not, not rad that he cheated, but it was rad that he was able to talk about it on stage.

Stage was cool, right? All right, well, that's it.

That was all.

Yeah, Hannah, I loved her. Yeah, she was great. She's fantastic. Glad she joined us.

All right, love you. Love you.