Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Family Secret

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Family secrets.

Juicy, juicy.

Family secrets are dangerous.

One was so juicy they didn't even show up.

So juicy they pulled a no-show on us.

That's right. But the others, yeah.

Yeah, family secrets are fun.

There's a really fun one in here I've retold.

Yes, there's a really repeat-worthy, uh, one in this one. Please enjoy, because your own are hard to enjoy. So enjoy other people's family secrets. All times come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. Remember one thing, you got to know, I'mma keep on shining.

Hello.

You seem to be at work. Are you at work?

I am at work. Today is, of course, of all times, it's like an annual huge celebration where I work. And so it would be noticed if I were missed. So we're making it work.

An annual celebration. That sounds like a fun place to work.

It is a great place to work. I'm keeping it kind of vague there. Yeah, it's a big annual celebration, kind of celebrating how well we did like the previous year. And yes, they treat us very well.

As long as it's not to honor the founder. Ooh, that kind of yearly celebration might be dicey.

The founder's birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

Like everyone has to celebrate the founder.

It's about the people that work here and nothing but good things.

That sounds beautiful.

Lovely. And are you allowed to tell us what part of the country you're in?

Absolutely. I am in Arizona. Was just in Sedona. Thought of you guys and your love for that space as well.

I have a lot of affinity for Tucson as well. We used to have a lot of car shows out there and we would always stay at the same hotel. It was very desert landscape in the back patio. It felt like a movie set and there was mountains in the background. It's lovely there.

Most things I can agree with you on. That one I'm not gonna— if you're a native to Arizona, which both my husband and I are, you're not usually a fan of Tucson unless you went to U of A. Then you have to get like indoctrinated into saying good things about Tucson.

Right, right, right. Okay, so you have a family secret story.

I sure do. So first I have to give credit to my niece Jossie way back when she used to do my lashes of like non-consensually sitting there listening to you guys. So anyone that sat in her chair is an arm cherry. But over the years, hearing all of the prompts and the stories, like, oh God, I hope one pops up for this because it's such a, I think, bizarre story. At least it's felt bizarre for me because it's like an onion and I've peeled back the layers starting at like age 12 to even like as of a year ago.

Oh, exciting.

Wow, wow, wow. Late 1900s, or really 1997, 1998, I'm in middle school biology class and we're learning about dominant recessive traits, big R, little r. You're doing your Punnett square and the assignment is to go home and find out what your mom's blood type is, your dad's blood type, put yours in there, it should all make sense. The math didn't math on that for me, which probably teachers hadn't thought about that in this age of like, what happens when my kind of case comes up? So as an only child, two older parents, my first thought was like, maybe I'm adopted. I go to my mom and I ask her, hey mom, just curious, am I adopted?

Can I ask a quick question?

Yeah.

When you asked dad for his blood type, was it, oh yeah, O positive? And when you asked mom, mom was like, um, did you detect any hesitation on mom's part with cooperating with this?

Great question. So I think she was the first one to be like, oh neg. And then my dad came around and he just, didn't really think much of it, just said it really quick. So when I asked my mom that question, she like paused, and then she started to cry, which really freaked me out. She goes, "Why would you ask me that?" And I was like, "Well, it's either that or you cheated on Dad." So I was just going with the best of two.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

She starts crying and tells me, "Your dad and I had fertility issues, and we ended up going to a sperm donor." And she was like, "You know, your dad just was never very interested in sex, and he was done with doctors touching him, so we went the sperm donor route, but we were assured that it was a credible owner, they are a medical resident, like all of this stuff. Spoiler alert, that wasn't the truth either because it was the '80s and it was the wild, wild west with fertility, which I'll get to that too as another part of it. So I was happy with that answer. I actually never approached my dad ever and ever told him I knew, and it just stayed between my mom and I because as far as I was concerned, like, that's my dad. Fortunately, I look almost identical to my mom. There's pictures to come later. But then I start noticing other things as I'm getting older. Like, you're going to sleepovers, and I can remember a group of girls complaining, oh my God, I I heard my parents doing it the other night, like, gross. And my first response was, oh my gosh, are you getting a little brother or sister?

Because in my mind, I had never seen like affection between my parents. I just associated sex with it's when you have a baby. Still dealing with unraveling some of those pieces too. But I just noticed some different things about my dad, one of his best friends. And then flash to I'm now like 19 and moving out. And I come over for dinner like after moving out. And my mom pulls me aside and was like, hey, I came around the corner to your dad's den, like his little office area the other day, and he was looking at gay porn. And his response was, I was just trying to access a link that was in Men's Health magazine to like take a quiz.

That's a pretty good excuse.

It's not bad, especially when you say Men's Health magazine.

You're like, yeah, I could see it.

Which then she's like, kind of makes sense, you know. I always wondered if something happened to him growing up or when he was in the Army. Like, it just makes sense, a lot of these things. So I was like, I'll do some digging, I'll look on the computer for you, I'll let you know what I find.

And just pause for half a second. It's crazy to me, but of course I've never been in this situation, I'm in no position to judge, but It's wild to me that it took your mother minimally 19 years, that she needed something that concrete to start questioning, right? Or is she fibbing to you? Either or. Those are interesting.

I think that there's other pieces to that. Probably deep down she knew, definitely had some self-esteem issues. And, you know, at that point they had been married so long, it was almost just like this mutual understanding or agreement, like they're just good partners. He had retired before her, she was still working at that point. It was just kind of fine how it was. And they were just also of the mind it was just better to have two parents in the home than not. And so like that kind of drove a lot of them making their own sacrifices. Come to find out, like, as I've gotten older, really the sacrifices each one of them made— not having true love, not being their authentic self. But when I got on there, definitely wasn't him trying to get on to Men's Health. Definitely had a type— big Heath Ledger fan.

Oh, like the rest of us.

I mean, not judging, is in the 99th percentile.

So I put everything on a disc, gave it to my mom, and just kind of said, do what this What you want. Ultimately, she decided never to bring it up. She was really afraid he might harm himself, or he was just from that era. It wasn't gonna happen. He ended up passing away in 2017 and still never said anything. I hope he came to peace with it. And to shift from like sad to funny again, we had him cremated and in between like moves and we had my mom move in with us, we lost dad for a few years, lost his ashes.

Oh, okay.

Little mix up.

Turns out when we were trying to look for a very obscure object in the guest room closet, it was in there. So So even in death, my dad is still in a closet.

Oh, it is sad. It is sad he didn't get to live his life.

But then it was just maybe a year ago that his only sibling, his brother, was in hospice, and I was visiting with my aunt and telling her— it was the first time I talked to anybody about the sperm donor, about losing dad's ashes and finding them, and like the stuff about my dad being gay. And she was like, honey, I knew your dad was gay. I thought he was with— I don't want to say this person's name, we'll just say Sam. I thought they were partners. It was my dad's college roommate, friends till the end, until he brought your mom over for dinner. And I was like, oh, but I'm like, then if you knew, how come my mom didn't know? So like, there's other things sticking out. I'm like, how did you not know? And so I also went on to Ancestry after my dad passed. I was like, what if there's other people in the world that look like me? Also would love to know like about health concerns. I think between 23andMe and Ancestry, there's like 18 Habsis. Oh, no regulation. And To boot, this donor was not a vetted donor. He was just a friend of the doctor who was getting like $20 a Dixie cup.

Sure. Yeah. This is common from back then. It's so interesting.

You're lucky it wasn't the doctor. I mean, that's very common.

Yeah.

It's common.

And this guy didn't tell his family either. So like, I guess some of the early folks that had gone on to Ancestry reached out because you can message people on Ancestry. I guess they got like a nasty grunt back, like, you're making this up. This is a conspiracy. So that's his family's secret. I won't expose that for them. But Like, he did not tell his family. I'm even a few months older than, like, his oldest biological son. So you were out there shooting into Dixie cups before.

That's a young man's game for sure.

I had to look up to say, like, what would $20 be in today? It's like $61. Like, that's a great gig.

Yeah, I tried it at UCLA. I feel blessed that I didn't have a good sperm count. I know, because I would now have— although I'd be fine with that if I had to meet a bunch of people.

Would you really?

Don't you think you'd feel Well, I think I'd have to support all those people. There'd be that.

I'm not looking to go to anybody's Christmases or be written into the will. Just wanted to know some health stuff. So the pictures that you have there, there's going to be one— I don't know what order they're gonna be— there's one of my mom and dad, like, way back when.

Well, your mother's so cute.

She was a hottie. She still is. Now, as I've taken my rose-colored glasses off, I'm like, he was an immaculate dresser.

I was just gonna say, very stylish.

Once I married my husband, the in-laws all were like, yeah, he's got Lord Farquaad hair. I think I saw my dad's ears once in my entire life when we were on a boat and the wind blew his hair back. But like, he blow-dried that every morning. And I did include a picture of the donor in there too, just to prove like I do not look like him. But there's just pictures of my dad over the years. He maintained that look, man. Yeah, but it was like writing on the wall, everyone but me. And even more so, like, I get it, I was a kid, I didn't know any different. But my mom, I'm like, what the hell, Mom?

Well, she was probably just in denial.

Or even maybe sadder, like, I'll take whoever loves me, I just want to be loved.

Yeah.

Is this gentleman with your father in this photo? Is that the presumed—

Yes, that's the college roommate. They would go to dinner and be gone for like 5, 6 hours.

Oh good, then I hope they were.

And did that man have a family?

He did. He also had a wife and one child, one daughter. It was like a mirror.

Wow, how ironic. Your father loved Heath Ledger because he was living Brokeback Mountain.

Oh, uh, maybe that's part—

I never thought about that.

Okay, and now here's your biological father. He looks so different than your dad.

I just like Continue to find things like that was a new one, just even last year talking to my aunt and being like, what do you mean you knew and you just assumed? Like, how have we never talked about this? Like, I'm 41 years old, like, we're just talking about it.

I'm delighted that you had that moment with her because that makes me less sad for your dad. It makes me feel like he did have some kind of outlet.

Yeah, and one or two people that really saw him.

Wow, family secrets.

Oh, it's a juicy one.

Thankful for the donor in the end, thankful for my dad, all the things. Yeah, a great story, get to come meet you guys.

Well, Ashley, we're so grateful that you were willing to take a little time out of the celebration to join us.

Absolutely. I'll get back to those free food trucks downstairs.

Oh wow, this is a good party.

They got food trucks.

Yeah, not like a little hot bar with fucking catering, microwave nuggets.

There's a couple of tents. One of them's like an '80s tent with some skee-ball down there.

Oh my God, it was so nice to meet you.

Yeah, you guys take care.

All right, bye-bye.

These genetic ones, they're a dime a dozen these days.

Well, the lesson that should be learned for anyone who donated sperm: don't ever take a 23andMe or Genealogy or at least minimally don't check that box.

Definitely, right?

Or they're coming, they're coming for you.

It's a really interesting thought experiment whether I'd want to know. So that was in 2000, I— or '99 and 2000. Yeah, so my child would be 26 years old.

Yeah, do you think you would think of it as yours? If you thought of it as yours, I think that'd be hard for you.

Well, I know me. Yeah, I would have to get super involved, right?

Exactly. And like, you can't—

so for me it would be a bummer because I mean, like, I wouldn't have picked to have 10 kids because I know I have limited bandwidth. And yeah, I would be like, if they were struggling, are you kidding me? And they're struggling with addiction. I gave them those fucking genetics.

That's not—

I would feel like I need to help them because I gave it to them.

Well, no, you jerked off and then gave them my genetic code. Someone else picked out of a binder.

I remember filling out that questionnaire, you know, vaguely. You just want to make money, man. I'm going to be honest with you.

That is bad.

Yeah. I think I lied. To the extent of like, I've never done drugs. No, I don't even know if it asks that, but maybe some health stuff, you know, like I had cancer pretty close in my family. I think I left out some health things because I was like, I need this $100.

Well, it worked out. You didn't get it, by the way.

So they told me, right? Because I gave them a sample and they're like, yeah, you don't have a high enough sperm count. That was that. But what if I do get a knock knock? Like, now I've got at least a juicy lawsuit against the sperm bank that's probably already out of business.

But wasn't it UCLA?

The ad was in the Bruin. That was our newspaper.

Sure.

And then the medical office was in the UCLA medical campus, but I don't really know if they were officially affiliated with the school or not.

I think—

I guess you can rent space. Should I sue UCLA, which is suing basically the state of California, which is suing the taxpayer?

Wow.

Yeah, wait till the news gets out that I had the taxpayer give me $10 $1 million. I'm sure America's gonna love that story. It'd be for those fucked up kids. I created—

give them to all those addicts.

It'll be the fun to support all these kids I have that are addicts.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, is this Shane in quotes?

This is Shane.

Shane, where are you?

So I'm located in Vancouver, Canada.

Oh, our second Vancouverian today. What do we call people from Vancouver?

Vancouverites. I hope that's right.

Oh, Canvo— oh, Canvooverites. And have you been in Vancouver your whole life?

I have. I've moved around to a few different cities when I was younger, so Australia and out east, eastern Canada. So yeah, I've been a few places, but Vancouver has always been my home.

Was it parents' job taking you to Australia and Eastern Canada?

No, I did a university exchange, so I did a semester out that way in Australia.

Yeah, did you have so much fun?

I had a great time. Not so much studying, but lots of time on the beach.

Did you have an Australian lover while you were there?

I did not. No, I was in a relationship.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. So you have a family secret.

I have a family secret that's still a secret to this day.

Ooh.

This story takes place way back in 2008. I was just 22 years old and I had just graduated college. I was also recently single. And so before, you know, entering the working world, I wanted to like just have some fun. So I thought, okay, I'm going to go do a solo backpacking trip through Europe. I thought that would be a great idea. It just so happened that a cousin of mine was getting married in London, England. So I thought, okay, normally I wouldn't go to this wedding, but I thought the timing aligned. I'll go for a week with my family and then I'll go off. So leading up to the trip, I was seeing someone casually and did see this person a few days before the trip. Didn't think anything of it, but it does become a little relevant later in the story. So it's the day of the trip. I'm on the plane. I'm in the middle seat. It's my mom to my left on the window, and there's a stranger to the right. And about halfway through, I just start to feel this itch down there.

Oh, okay, great. Okay.

Itchy, itchy.

Scratchy, scratchy.

Just in the general area there.

Great way to start your trip.

Yeah. And I'm just like, worst place because there's no privacy. It's my mom and a stranger and I'm right in between these people. And so I've realized if I put my hands in my pocket, I can briefly, you know, just subtly relieve myself. If I put the tray table down, pull it out, that gives me a little cover and I just figure it's like dry, irritated skin.

Wishful thinking.

Oh no.

After a very difficult flight, we make it. I'm okay. I survived. I'm just relieved to be off this plane. And just for context, I'm of Indian heritage. I'm pretty Western, but my mom's side of the family, which this wedding is, is a lot more traditional. We're staying at the bride's house. So there's a week long of things going on every day. Yeah.

These Indian weddings, for people who don't know, are the most spectacular events on planet Earth, right? A buddy of mine went to one in Chicago and there's like elephants and stuff. They go hard for weddings.

No, it is a big, big life event. It's a little much for me, but I was doing my family obligation and, and, you know, going to this wedding and it's a typical London home, pretty small. There's gonna be 15 people in this house. So mattresses on the floor, one bathroom. There's just no privacy. Right. And so the next few days go fine and we're about 2 days before the wedding. The sitch is getting worse to the point now where I'm realizing I won't be able I'm supposed to survive the wedding day in this state. I decide I'm gonna go have a look. So I go to the bathroom, I lock the door, and that's when I discover it's crabs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, you bet your ass it is.

Okay, so crabs are actual lice, you know, they're like bugs.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it an STD?

Well, yeah, it jumps from the pubic hair of your sexual partner onto yours, and then you lie in a very communal But you could get it even if someone's sleeping on the bed.

He is.

Let's find out. That's my hunch. That's my hope, not my hunch.

Oh no, we don't want that for anyone else there. Okay.

But do you realize it is crabs? I mean, do you know enough to realize that's what's happening once you look?

As soon as I saw that, it just clicked. Yeah, this is crabs. Knowing who I was with, it all kind of added up.

Sure, sure.

I was panicked and I never had this happen before. And in my mind, I'm not the type of person to be in this position. Like I don't contract crabs. I'm just in complete shock at this point. I'm really inexperienced with these sorts of things. I don't know what to do. And there's just a few problems that I'm faced with. I, one, cannot confide in anyone. My cousins are all just younger, innocent teenagers, and I don't really know them that well. And then everyone else older, there's no way I'm going to be be telling them. There's no smartphones, there's no car. Where we are is not super walkable. And probably the biggest issue is no one can leave the house without it just becoming a field trip. So I couldn't just say, hey guys, I'm going for a walk.

Yeah.

To go find a doctor. Like there's just no way anyone would let me leave.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I need to come up with a plan to get this solved at this point because I'm really starting to have a hard time and I'm just feeling completely trapped. So I come up with a plan that I think is going to jump over these obstacles. So I decide to go to the bathroom. I find one alive. I relocate it to my arm. I would say that they're similar to lice, but just more crabby looking. So now it is on my arm. I go down to the family room where there's a big group of people and I just yell, "Oh my God, it's lice!" Pointing to my arm.

Oh, wonderful.

And then there's just immediate panic. The bride is panicking. I just say my head's been itchy a little. Kids are being checked. Everyone freaks out. And then things just kind of get out of control, out of my control. So my aunt takes the specimen and puts it in a jar.

No!

Of course, no one finds any lice.

Right.

Right.

Oh no, what if they were like, there's one here, there's one in my hair, and it's one of the cats.

Someone's in my pubic hair.

They're just looking in the wrong place. So the reaction was just so much bigger than I anticipated. I thought they were like, let's get him some treatment. But it was like, because nothing could be found, we're in close quarters, people are already stressed because of this wedding. It was like, we need to hit this with everything we got. And get this under control because people are coming over, there's all sorts of stuff happening. And so luckily no one pursued trying to ID this thing. And the plan was after things settled down, let's go to the pharmacy. And this is perfect because this is what I wanted. I needed something to fix my problem. So we leave the mission to the pharmacy. This is the most pivotal moment for me. 'cause I need to get something. I'm completely panicked and I've raised the stakes so high now putting my family through all this chaos with wedding events and people are trying to sort out their outfits for the wedding and I'm just trying to treat my crabs here. Yeah. So I just need this to work. And so we go to the pharmacist and the pharmacist brings out your standard lice shampoo.

And I just think to myself, this maybe could work, but I don't know if it will. It might, it might not. I couldn't walk away there with a maybe.

And was any family members Was he standing directly next to you as you were interacting with the pharmacist?

There was about 5 of us. It was a group effort. I'm just sitting there thinking, I gotta do something. So I asked the pharmacist, I say, do you have anything else? And he says, yeah, there's this. It's just a little more expensive. I look at the bottle and it's labeled for head lice and genital crabs.

Yeah!

Boom!

Let's go, Shane!

Just so relieved inside. But I need to play the act that we're just shopping for head lice. I asked for both bottles. I just stare at them discerningly for about 30 seconds, comparing and contrasting, really putting on this show like I'm really trying to decide here.

Isn't it fun? Everyone gets to be an actor at some point in their life. We've all— like, long before I got to Hollywood, I was doing bullshit like this. Oh man, maybe I'll get— you'll go like, you're acting like you're on the fence. You're not on the fence.

Exactly.

After In that few seconds, I just point to the one that was labeled for crabs and I just say, "I think this one is better." No one questioned it.

Oh, nice.

And we bought enough for the house.

Wonderful.

Great.

So we went back, I got myself, I was totally relieved. Everyone else is getting shampooed, bedding is being washed in a panic. Up until that point, I was a trapped animal. But at this point, I'm now like feeling guilt because I look over and the bride is stressed. The mother of the bride is literally like scalp massaging my 78-year-old grandmother.

Listen, it's not going to do anything bad. No, maybe it's good. Maybe one of them did have lice.

Or cramps.

So in the end, everything worked out. The wedding went on. I had a great trip and we were all free of any bugs or insects going forward.

Oh, that's so crazy.

And they never found out.

They never found out. Although I will say about 17 years later now, so my wife knows this story and some of my friends and my daughter who's in elementary school, there was a recent lice outbreak in the classroom and we were telling my mom about this. And so my mom decides to retell the London lice story to my wife, like she's hearing it for first time, right? She just says to my wife, and these weren't normal lice we have here in Canada. They had bigger legs and much stronger.

They almost look like crabs.

You're also so lucky, and I'm surprised that none of those Indian people were doctors.

Shocking, actually.

Yeah, and I would have been like, that is not a lice.

No, that is a sexually transmitted disease.

And they were shouting it out.

Shame, shame. Oh wow. Oh, I like that story. It's also very cute and sweet. It is. When you got home, did you ever share what had been passed on from your previous lover? Did you let them know?

I didn't.

Okay, sure.

Should I have been?

Well, listen, you got it from them and not the other way around, so I feel like you're less inclined.

But the ethical thing is to go like, um, P.S., you're passing along this, you need to get this. So although I guess the nice thing about crabs, like, you can have chlamydia, especially if you're a dude, for years and not know, which is really bad. Yeah, maybe even vice versa. You're not missing crabs. You probably didn't need to tell her, she probably figured that out.

That's what I figured.

Oh man, this was delightful. Yeah, I love it.

Thank you so much. And would it be possible for my wife to say a quick hello? She's a huge fan.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Hi guys.

Oh, you remind me of Elizabeth.

Oh yeah, Elizabeth Lame. It's a compliment.

Hi, very high compliment. High praise.

Oh, this is so surreal.

Oh my gosh, that was a great story.

I'm glad he submitted it, so that's good.

Me too. It's so innocent.

It is PG. It is. I know.

And it's funny, I was at work today and I left at lunch to come home and my co-workers are like, oh, what's the story? I'm like, oh no, like, it's kind of personal.

Until next Friday.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Well, it's so nice to meet you, both of you. You too.

Thanks.

Yes, thank you. Have a good day.

Okay, you too.

All right, take care.

Bye.

Have you ever had lice?

No. You know, my thing with lice though is they would come check in my room, the teachers, and then when a new mom got to me and said, did you get checked? I'd lie and say no. Yeah, I tried to get it 3 times. Jessica, can you hear us? Hi!

Yes, can you hear me?

Yes. Did they check your head for lice in elementary school with like the moms volunteer and come in with those big Q-tips?

Lice and scolio. Yep.

Yeah, I was just saying I used to lie and pretend they hadn't checked my hair, so so that I could get multiple checks.

Some hair play.

Yeah, that's right. I can feel myself sitting at my desk. I know, like you have full body chills.

Oh, my daughter got it twice.

Twice?

And you never got it?

No.

Wow, that's lucky.

Shared custody with her dad, so at her dad's house they got it. Oh, didn't bring it to me. I had to monitor.

God, I really live in fear of it, honestly.

I'm trying to do context clues. Do you live in San Francisco? Chicago?

No, I live outside of Charleston, South Carolina.

Does your family secret take place in South Carolina?

Not really, no.

Where are you from originally?

Michigan.

Oh yay!

Where about?

I grew up in Dearborn Heights.

Oh wonderful. Those moms were definitely checking lice over in Dearborn.

Oh God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did your family work for Ford?

No, actually my uncle worked for Chrysler. I don't think anybody in my family worked for Ford, but yeah, he was long-term at Chrysler.

All right, so let us know what is the family secret. We love secrets.

A bit of a buildup, of course, because because it's a secret. It can't be all told at once.

That's right.

I grew up in Michigan. My sister grew up in Michigan. My mom grew up in Vermont, in a little tiny town called Winooski, Vermont. So shout out, Winooski, Vermont. All 12 people, 6 of whom I'm probably related to, said hi. She grew up there, but had to move to Michigan right after junior year of high school. So she had to finish senior year, like, in Michigan. So, 1958 in Michigan, she had to move move, was not happy about it, actually, like, very angry at her parents about it for a really long time. So she lived her life. She had my sister in '76, and she had me in '78. So we're all Gen X here. And then eventually we all kind of ended up down south. I moved here in 2005. My sister moved to Florida in 2008, and then my mom moved down here in 2010, 2 years after my daughter was born. So She moved down here to be close to her granddaughter, and she stayed here until she passed away in 2021. Thankfully, it wasn't like a super prolonged terrible illness. It was COPD. And like shortly after she died, I got a message on Facebook from somebody saying, hi, this is your sister.

I have been in touch with mom for a few years, and I just want to know like where she's going to be buried so that I can it.

Oh boy.

Oh wow.

I was like at my daughter's volleyball game. I'm like, this is a joke. Not a funny one, but this is weird.

Well, and obviously your mom has just recently died, right? If we're talking about the funeral.

Yeah. And like she grew up Roman Catholic. She's like one of 11 kids. So I'm like, okay, this is not at all happening. Oh, she plays like these online bingo games. I'm like, it's like an unstable person who has adopted my mom and my mom's been nice to her. But then she started sending me me like screenshots of their text messages, and I was like, okay, she's not saying she's not her mom, so what the heck? So we finally, like, after exchanging messages, it became apparent that she is my mom's daughter. My mom gave birth to her in 1966, so 10 years before my sister was born, gave birth to her. Her father is biracial, girl, and they were not married. And my grandfather was a Detroit police officer in 1966, and his unwed Roman Catholic daughter was not about to have a child out of wedlock. So they made her give up the baby for adoption through Catholic Social Services. But there isn't a lot of my uncles left, but I do have one uncle left who's younger than my mother. So we were like, how would you not know about this? This. And he said, oddly enough, in '66, he was away at the Air Force.

Him and another uncle were away at the Air Force, so they weren't home that whole year except for like 2 weeks.

Oh wow.

And he's like, we're not looking at our sister thinking she's pregnant. That's just not a thing that they clock, you know?

Yeah.

And so we got to know her. She's a super nice person. Like, we're very close. She's very sweet. We talked on the phone shortly after that, and she did get some documents from Catholic Social Services, even though it was a closed adoption. And then she had some paperwork, and she's reading it, and it says, like, "Mother also gave birth to a boy in 1964 and also given up for adoption under Catholic Social Services." Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Mom did that twice.

Twice, yes.

Wow.

Wow. So I was like, "Um, sorry, pause. What did you just say?" And she was like, "Oh my gosh." 'Cause she had been in touch with our mom for 3 years. Years before our mom passed.

Had your mom done a 23andMe or something?

No, the sister did. She did a 23andMe for ancestry, matched with some cousins. And through that, with what she had from Catholic Social Services, they pieced together who it was in the family that had given birth to her and traced it back to my mom and got my mom's number somehow, called her and was like, hey, I think I'm your daughter. My mom finally called her back and was like, why do you think this? And she gave her all the explanation, and she was like, well, yeah, I did have a couple kids before my kids. Yeah, she asked her about the boy she had in 1964. My mom was like, I can't talk about that, that's too much. But she had said, yeah, you know, I was like dating your father casually, and it happened, and you know, I didn't name him in the paperwork. But she did find also all of her siblings on her dad's side, so she's got this enormous family now. So she had the boy in 1964, and we were trying to find him, could not find him whatsoever. And so we just kind of let that go. In the meantime, interestingly enough, both sisters have the same first and middle name.

What?

My mom had no idea that the people that adopted the other girl had named her this. So when my mom had my sister 10 years after that, named her this same exact first and middle name, same spelling and everything. Yeah, he gives me chills.

Yeah.

And she said, she was like, did you know that that was my name? And she was like, I had no idea.

Wow, that is wild.

So they had a really nice relationship for the 3 years that they talked, and I think it kind of gave my mom a little peace of mind. But she did say there was a text between them. The sister asked, when you pass away, I'm gonna reach out to the girls, because my mom did not want us to know at all. So they had a secret relationship for 3 years that we didn't about. My mom said, just tell them I hope they forgive me. Like, I'm so ashamed of these choices and they weren't really choices, but I hope they can forgive me that I could never share this. And I mean, that's just sad because like we would have been totally fine with it.

Yeah, even more than you'd be fine with it, I would be dying to know what mom's experience was where dad is saying, no, you're going to do this, you're going to do that. I mean, that relationship between your grandfather and her. Sounds interesting.

It was very interesting because looking back growing up, my mom never said many nice things about our grandfather at all. He passed away long before we were born, and there was always this like underlying tension and underlying something. And we were like, well, they just made you move from your home right before senior year of high school. And also he was a raging alcoholic.

Well, you said Detroit cop. You didn't have to say raging.

But yeah, she'd get called out of work to pick him up off the lawn and and stuff, so we just kind of chalked it all up to that. But having this other information, it made a lot more sense. And I wish we could have given her a little peace that we were excited about this development. And apparently the only people in the family that knew were her parents, her mom and dad, and then she had one sister, and the one sister apparently knew, but literally nobody else in the family. I guess it was maybe a year or two ago now, another cousin— so the half-sister is in touch with all of our family, family. Another cousin reached out to the half-sister and was like, "I think you girls have a brother because I matched with somebody on this other DNA website." And she was like, "Holy shit, yes, we actually do." And so now we're in touch with him, and he's just a sweetheart, and his parents don't know he's found some birth families. They're very old, so we're not letting them in on that. But I went to Michigan in April for work, so I got to meet him in person, and I've met the half-sister in person, and They're just so sweet.

I mean, like, I always grew up wanting more siblings, and I guess I have them now, which is really nice.

And did you feel an uncanny closeness and bond to them immediately, more than you would a stranger?

Very much so, especially with the half-sister. Like, we talked on the phone the first time for like 2 hours. I sent some pictures. There's such a strong resemblance with the brother and my uncle. So there's a picture of us at a Bob's Big Boy that I sent.

Oh, your favorite.

Oh yes, it is Bob's. Okay, so that's you with your brother and half—

it's both of them. Yes.

Are they full—

two different fathers. And then the other one is just an old picture of my mom's family.

Okay, and then who's the little person here?

That's my daughter and my mom. So our mom— that's at Disney. This is the cutest picture ever. Yeah, that baby is 17 years old now. I know.

I like this family secret. This is a good family secret.

Not a bad one at all. I wish we could have given my mom a little peace at the end to be like, we totally get it. Like, we forgive you. It's fine. But it's kind of the gift that she left on her way out the door. But the uncle that's still alive, when I told him about the brother, when we found him, I called him and he just was like, I don't even know what to say anymore. Like, this is just crazy. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Stop calling.

I know, right? And became friends on Facebook. I was like, I was like, you have to go look at his Facebook right now. And he did. He said, you have got to be kidding. If we saw him on the street, we'd be like, are we related to that man?

Yeah, yeah.

Is that one of our uncles? Like, he looked so similar, it's crazy. Genes are strong for sure. My uncle had a theory that maybe there was a little rebellion with my mom after moving to Michigan, and maybe she had a wild few years.

And it does seem like a couple repeated fuck yous to Dad. Although, think back then, you didn't have condoms, you didn't have the pill, you didn't have abortions.

Catholic, didn't have education. I can't imagine they had any sex conversation with her at all. There was none of that happening. But this big of a secret for this long is crazy work.

Well, thanks. Lovely meeting you. I love a Michigander.

I have to show you my cherry tattoo.

I was looking at it the whole time.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, she did a good job. I love blue jays. They're very special to me for multiple reasons. They're kind of the assholes of the bird world, and I kind of like them for that.

I had to add the cherries.

I'm a long-term armchair. You guys got me through COVID. We went on so many walks together. You don't even know. Oh, good. All of the walks we took, all the conversations.

Yay.

I'm glad we were there.

Me too. I'll have 10 years sober in September.

Get out.

Come on.

Congratulations.

Both of our daughters were in Mary Poppins. There's so many parallels.

Wow. Well, lovely meeting you, Jessica. This has been delightful.

Thank you so much. All right. Have a great day.

Bye.

Love you.

Bye, Monica. That was really fun. Do you want to reveal any family secrets at this time?

Hm, I'm good.

You know, I can say this because it's the nature of my family. We have no family secrets. My mom's like, this happened, that happened.

My dad was like, you know, we don't have family secrets, but we have things I wouldn't share with the public.

That's right.

But within the family, everyone knows.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll share it. No, I'm just kidding.

Okay, all right, love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

We don't have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. Enjoy!