Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Animal Attack III

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

Hi.

Hi.

Today we have animal attacks, part 3.

So these are scary.

Yeah, animal attacks are very scary.

Scary and it's validating. Yeah.

And we got a monkey one, which I love.

There's one that involves an animal that I also have had some issues with this year. So it, you know, I just feel validated.

You feel validated?

Yeah.

Yeah, same.

I feel seen.

You will too. Please enjoy Animal Attacks Part 3.

Hi, is this Laura?

Hello, it is.

Of course it's Laura. But my mother had a client, her name's Laura, and he always called her Laura.

Okay, I pronounce mine Laura, so not even Laura.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, different.

Where are you?

I'm currently sitting in Canada, but I'm from Delaware. I'm at the scene of the crime.

Oh, you are? You're returning to heal some past trauma?

For sure. For sure. No, it's for a friend's bachelorette party. But I made that friend through this story.

A lot of connections.

Delaware is our tiniest state.

Yeah, second smallest. I think Rhode Island's number one.

Oh, congratulations, Rhode Island. But it's a teensy little fella, right?

She's small. Everybody knows everybody. I can name every high school in the state.

Wow. Oh, really?

Aubrey Plaza, one of the only famous people from Delaware, did acting classes with her.

Oh my God.

She was always cool.

Always cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some people are born cool, right, Bonnie?

They sure are.

Okay.

The DNA.

What is very cool is to be attacked by an animal.

Yes.

Tell us about your animal attack story.

Well, let me set the scene. I was a wilderness canoe trip leader for years in Canada. This particular trip was one of the harder trips that the camp led, and I was given a group of 10 14-year-old boys and me.

Oh boy. What age were you?

20, probably. Horrible ratio though. And this particular day was going to be a doozy. Like, we had to wake up at 5 AM. We were going to be paddling until 9 or 10 PM, but we knew the end of the day was going to be this section of creeks and portages, like 6 portages, 6 creeks. The creeks were really short in between the longer portages, and so it was exhausting. So I knew we needed to get there early. And so before we started this system of creeks and portages, we were like, everybody fill up your water jugs and your water bottles, because once you get onto it, it's like muck. Like, it smells bad, there's beaver dams, there's nowhere you can fill up your water. So this has probably taken us 5 hours to get through these, and we're at the second to last one. Everybody's out of water, everybody's Exhausted. It's a hot day. We get to the end and there's a couple coming up to us and they're like, "Hey, there's a moose out there. It's really cool." And we're like, "Oh, great. Wonderful." We come out that end and these moose are huge.

I actually was like, "This is the size of an elephant." Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we look out and we're like, "Oh, this is cool," right? At first. By the way, its entire body is blocking the creek, like head on one end of the sh— bank and butt on the other end of the bank. So we can't paddle.

Is it a bull or a female? Do you know?

It was a female.

Relevant later in the story.

So we're admiring admiring, having a good time. Okay, 10 minutes of admiring turns into 20, 30, 40. Now it's been an hour. It's probably 8:30. Everybody's dehydrated. We are one portage away from being done the day and on a lake where we can fill up our water. And the boys are starting to go from like, Laura, like, what the heck? This is your fault, whatever, like joking around, to like silence. Now I'm worried. People are really dehydrated and we have to get out of here. And so we had a bear horn to scare bears away if they came onto your campsite. We can't move until it moves. So air horn. It looks up at us, looks back down, doesn't care. So I'm like, this is a mess now. It's probably been an hour and a half, still eating, chilling, not moving. So I see there's like a rock, and I'm like, let me just climb up that rock and look out, survey the land, and see if there's any other way to get around this moose. And so I see what I think, like, if this is the creek and then there's a big thing of land, grass, marsh, and then it looked like another little creek pathway around that you could circumvent the Moose.

So we're like, perfect, I've got the solution. Get everybody in the boats. The kids are freaking out. The kid in my boat starts to cry because to do this we have to pass the moose pretty close. You could like reach out with a paddle to the moose. Oh boy. Start doing that paddle. It doesn't really care about us, doesn't really look. We get over. Once we start doing this paddle, I realized that it's like muck. You're sticking your paddle in and heaving the canoes forward, but it's not thick enough to stand in. So if like a kid tried to walk in it, he'd sink. I was afraid they would drown because you can't swim through it. We've like heaved them far enough that going back is going to really hard. So I'm like, okay, there's land that I can like leap to myself, so I'm gonna try that. So I leap onto the shore, and as soon as I do it, I'm like, I don't know about this. Like, it's giving moose home. Oh no, a lot of moose poop on the ground, and it's a female. So I'm like, what if there's a calf back here?

Moose are super territorial. These thoughts are kind of happening, and as I'm having them, in the calmest voice you've literally ever heard a 16-year-old do, he was like, hey Laura. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, um, moose is attacking us. Oh my God. Turn around, moose is running like dead sprint at us. And if you will picture with me for a second, I'm standing on the land and all of the campers are in boats in front of me. This is worst case scenario. As a leader, like, you got to be the one that gets attacked.

Yeah, yeah.

You can survive on the land, moose have bad eyesight, but if they all get attacked and they get into the water, like, it's over.

Oh wow.

Adrenaline was rushing so quickly, I really don't know how I managed to do this, but leaped back into the boats all the way to the front. Leader boat, getting— pulling the bear spray, which is like mace times 10. I couldn't think of this in the moment, but afterwards I realized the wind was pushing at us, so I would have maced myself and all that. Sure, campers, if I had actually done it, but I didn't. I was like holding it like a gun. It comes up to a stop, said, okay, it's like breathing out really loudly. I could pet its nose, it's so close to us. No, it's got like a hoof out. We're staring at each other and I'm like, oh my God, in this moment— I don't know if this is true because I can't read a moose's thought, but I was like, in this moment it's deciding if it's gonna genuinely kill us or walk away. Yeah, yeah. If it had but one foot in the boat, he could have flipped the boat and the kids would have drowned. Like, we cannot swim in this water we were in, but you'd sink down into it.

Your brain works in strange ways when you're going through this. I remember in this moment staring at this moose. When my mother was training our dog back in the day, was like, the best way to train a dog is you alpha male it. Like, you stare it in the eyes, do not blink, do not look away, just stare at it until it puts its head down and walks away. So in this moment, I'm like, I'm gonna alpha male the shit out of this moose.

That's the only option I have right now.

I stare at it, it stares at me. I don't I don't know how long it lasted, could have been forever. Out of the corner of my eye, two of the boys, paddles in the air like they're about to start beating it.

Oh no, boys, put the paddles down.

Right, 100%. Two of the boys' feet in the water. I'm like, do not do that. Boy in my canoe sobbing. And this one kid we had from Spain, totally oblivious all the time, was like, you guys, look, a frog over here.

And I was like, there's a fucking moose.

Oh my God.

Eventually it looks down and walks away. So I'm like, I, I have a minute. I'm freaking out, right? We paddle as fast as we can to this next lake. And the real moral The story is we go back to the summer camp. They're teenage boys, so they start exaggerating the story and telling all these insane things. And so by my last year at this summer camp, I had this little boy come up— he was like probably 7— come up to me and be like, you're that girl that killed a moose with its bare hands! I was like, yeah, that was me. So if anybody's listening, I guess I'm making myself sound less cool.

The fact that you just held your position is warrior status. I mean, the head on that thing is bigger than this coffee table. I mean, it's just so enormous. They get to £1,800.

No, they're enormous.

Did you have any piddle in your slacks when this was all over?

1,000%. And they also— have you heard of this concept of tracker bears where like they will hunt you basically and kill you in the woods?

No. Tell us about tracker bears.

Everybody's so afraid of them up there, especially the kids. But you'll see them once a day, the bear, and you'll be like, is that the same bear? And it's like following you.

Oh, it's like a stalker.

Like, hunt you.

They should call it stalker bear, not tracker bear.

That is not a concept with moose, but all of them were like, we're gonna have a tracker moose, he's gonna find our campsite, we're gonna get murdered. So I spent the whole night awake trying to cover.

Oh yeah, what a horrible job. I'm impressed, and we need people to do that, but wow.

Well, everyone should continue doing it, and it's good for kids. There's like a teenager out there protecting preteens from a moose.

I know, but you're doing such a good job. I'm impressed.

I don't know, I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have paddled over there. If we had waited another 30, maybe it would have moved. Everyone was like passing getting out, basically.

You were in a bad situation.

It was genuinely scary. I was like, genuinely, I'm gonna lose my life today. This is crazy.

But these boys thought you were so radical afterwards.

Yes, but they told everybody at the camp we killed the moose, so I'm not sure.

So many rumors start flying.

Yeah, an investigation by Fish and Game. Yeah. What's the situation with mosquitoes and black flies and all that stuff?

Oh my God, you've never seen anything like it. Well, I was doing a portage one time with a pink rain jacket on So many mosquitoes and flies on my wrist. I couldn't see the pink anymore.

No, no, nope, nope.

I'm good. So bad. But it gets better once you're in, like, August.

So you're just up for fun right now?

Yeah, just a bachelorette party. It's my friend Rachel's bachelorette party.

Any portaging?

We're actually going back to the town where the camp is run, but we're not doing a canoe trip. It's a bachelorette party. You know what happens. Could I do a quick shout out before we end? I just wanted to shout out my friend Lori, who's like the biggest armchair in the world, and she's got some great stories. So maybe you'll meet her one day. Okay, look forward to it. Fingers crossed. My wonderful fiancé Nick, who listens to every episode in the car with me, and my friends Sally and Joe, whose room I'm in right now, their craft room.

Oh, craft room! That sounds so fun.

Shout out to everyone. Well, have a great time.

Thank you guys so much. It was so nice meeting you.

All right, take care.

Bye.

Sarah, hi, how you doing? Good, how are you guys?

Good. Look how many long flowing dresses you have.

This is my long hang section.

Oh, I love a long hang section.

Are you a Stevie Nicks fan?

I like Stevie Nicks, but I mean I wouldn't say I'm a super fan.

You're kind of an innocuous question. Everybody likes Stevie Nicks.

Yeah.

Do you have a whimsical flowy dress vibe in the summer?

I turned 50 this year, and yes, I've kind of adopted that. I just don't give a crap what I look like, and I just want to be like myself and be comfortable.

Dress is very in.

You picked a great time to be comfortable because it's in.

Thank you. And speaking of Stevie Nicks, Monica Taylor last night at the NBA—

just about to bring it up.

What happened?

The Knicks Nicks one, the Stevie Nicks, and Taylor was there and had a shirt that said Stevie Nicks.

Oh, she did? Oh, that's clever.

Yeah. Anyway, thank you for seeing me when you saw that.

You guys don't know this, but we're all really good friends because I spend a lot of time with both of you.

No, we do know that. We do know that feeling quite well. Our parasocial relationships coming tomorrow. David Sedaris is coming back, my favorite. Okay, you have an animal attack story. Where are you in the country?

So I am in Beverly Farms, Massachusetts. Now that is 20 miles north of Boston, and it is what Beverly Hills was named after. No way.

Explain. Tell us that.

So it's fancy.

I just know that President Taft used to vacation here in this town and that this is where Beverly Hills got its name. Something about the rolling hills and I haven't done the full Wikipedia, but that's what I hear. But this story takes place in my hometown, which is right next door, 5 minutes away, which is Manchester-by-the-Sea.

Oh, that's a very sad movie.

I was going to say, permanently make you sad now. They kind of ruined the name.

They did. And it's not actually a good reflection of the town. The town is much more mellow and very cheery and a beautiful place to grow up. So this story takes place about 9 years ago in April. And I am a dog lover, Monica, sorry.

Don't apologize.

Sorry.

Now people are apologizing for liking dogs.

Sorry, I don't hate dogs, Monica.

I've always had a bunch of dogs and walking them and taking care of them is just like very therapeutic. It's just one of the loves of my life. So in this particular story, I had my own two dogs and I was also taking care of my sister's dog and a friend's 6-month-old puppy. So because I had four really active, energetic dogs, I'm thinking I wanna discharge their batteries early in the morning, take 'em for a really good, like, off-leash walk. We'll blow it out in the morning and then they'll rest all day. Perfect. It's like kids. You just wanna kind of like tire 'em out and then they're good. So I take them to a trail in Manchester where I've walked many times before, and it's early in the morning, and I'm thinking, okay, like, off leash. I had brought 2 leashes with me because I only usually had 2 dogs with me. Mm-hmm. And We start in on the trail and let me just explain kind of the dynamic. So there's my sister's dog's fine. This puppy's great. One of my dogs is an English Setter and that is a bird hunting dog. And these dogs are athletes.

He is amazing. He runs in the woods checking in with me. And all of a sudden I hear him barking really loudly, maybe 150 yards into the woods. And I can't see him, but I can hear him. And very quickly the barks turned to only what I can describe as a dog screaming.

Ooh!

Ooh!

And now I look down and I have 3 other dogs with me. It felt like it took me 2 hours to come to this conclusion, but it was probably 10 seconds. And I quickly tied a puppy and a larger dog to a tree. And I start running through the woods with one dog still following me towards his cries. And I come to a clearing. I finally find Billy. And now this is New England woods. It's branches, it's leaves, it's a disaster. And I see Billy in the middle of a clearing. There are 3 coyotes. She's just taking turns lunging, grabbing at him.

No, no, no.

Billy, he's like a 60-pound dog who is used for hunting. I mean, he's a good-sized dog. The coyotes where we are are a little different, I think, than the coyotes where you guys are. The Eastern coyotes are definitely like a 50/50 wolf-coyote hybrid. So they're big.

Coyotes.

They can be anywhere from, I think around 35 to £60. And these were pretty big coyotes and there was 3 of them.

Oof.

They're going at him and I'm standing there for like 1 second and then I'm like, well, I'm not gonna watch this happen. Like I gotta do, it's like your kid, you know? You're like, I gotta do something. So I, run in, and I just grab Billy by the back of the neck and right below his tail, and I'm just dragging him out of the woods, and I'm holding him, and they're grabbing at his legs.

Oh my God. Even while you're— oh my God.

Yeah.

And didn't you say you had another dog with you though? Did you bring one dog to the scene?

I had one dog with me, and he was kind of just staying back, which is obviously really smart.

Yeah.

And I'm now playing tug of war with my dog's body and these coyotes. Oh my goodness. And I'm screaming. And this is like one of those moments, you guys, where you look around, you're like, where's the adults? You're like, oh my God, it's me. I'm the adult here. Yeah. So I'm kicking and I'm screaming and I finally make contact with one of them and it kind of like backs off because I kicked it so hard. And another one backs off. So now I've got one kind of following us, but not grabbing at the dog. And I'm not a big person. I'm 5'5". So I'm carrying a 60-pound dog. There's definitely that moment where you're like adrenaline.

Yeah.

And I'm dragging him and carrying him. And now it occurs to me that I've tied two other dogs to a tree somewhere in the woods. And I don't know where the other two coyotes went. And I'm like, oh my God, I have to get back there. So now I'm dragging Billy, have him like just in my arms, blood everywhere. I'm running and I'm running backwards because if you turn your back on a coyote, Monica, this is good for you to know, if you turn your back, they chase. If you face them, they stop. Immediately.

Normally you hear, like, they don't like humans. So if there's like a human in the mix, they'll run away. But they're not.

But they're not attacking her.

They're after him in my arms.

She's holding cold cuts, you know, and they think they can just grab a little bit.

Totally. And so I'm kind of going backwards and turning around every few seconds to keep that one coyote back. And I get to the tree and I see the other two dogs and they're okay. And I quickly unhook leashes. Like, I call it a yard sale. Like, everything just got lapped And I'm kicking dogs. I'm kicking them and screaming. I'm like, "Go, go! Just get out of here as fast as we can." Oh my God. And one of the dogs I unhooked is my dog, Remy, who's this big Mississippi street dog, Lab. He's just the smartest, coolest dog. And he knew exactly how to handle the situation. He turns around and just starts lunging, but not making contact. And he's lunging and then it's giving me time to kind of like get a little further away with Billi. Who I'm now like basically dragging on the ground through the leaves, bleeding, a mess. And all the dogs are running. And finally, Remy keeps that coyote far enough back that it stops escorting us out. It was basically escorting us out of its territory. We get to the car, I throw everybody in. I could probably tell you another story about an unauthorized situation, but it didn't happen.

It was the scariest thing. So we get in the car and I call the vet. And I'm like, I'm coming in hot. I don't know what I'm coming in with. Billy's not making noise anymore. The other dogs, the one that was with me, got a big bite taken out of the back of his leg. And I'm like, whatever, triage. He's okay, but we gotta get Billy.

Oh my God.

We get there and I bring Billy in. He's mangled. He's eviscerated. Those coyotes, their job is to kill things as quickly as possible. So they go for head, neck, soft belly, under the arms, the softest places in case just torn to shreds. They stabilize him, they sedate him, and they're like, you know, he's gonna need to go to a bigger vet closer to Boston. So at that point, my husband had come and he had taken the other 3 dogs. He took them to another vet. They're getting rabies boosters. I mean, it's just a total disaster. I bring him to the bigger vet and they take him in back and they're just like, listen, his intestines are coming out of it. Like he's a mess. They're like, we don't know what's gonna happen. So After hours and hours in surgery, internal stitching, external stitching, he made it. He came out of it. I sent you guys some pictures, and it's him right after the attack.

Oh, he's a sad boy, but he's a good boy.

This is so absurd.

And those are drains you can see coming out of him. And then the last pictures of him with myself son.

In this one, he looks like a wise professor when he's with your son.

He's the best dog. He's actually 15 years old now. And I still have Remy, my hero, who kept the coyotes back. And he's still with us too. And they're my buddies. And it was such a crazy story. But I have to say, after I got over the shock of it, it was one of those moments where this horrific thing happens and you make it and you make good decisions and you, you figure it out. And afterward, you're So empowered by it. You're like, oh my God, I'm such a badass. Like, I did it. Yeah.

The nightmare happened and you rose to the occasion.

Yeah.

And I still take them. Well, not as much anymore cuz now they're really old, but I do still take them in the woods all the time. I just, now I make a lot more noise when I'm walking because I think what we determined after talking to a lot of different people who know wildlife, they said that what likely happened because there was 3 coyotes together, which doesn't always happen. Billy got too close to a den that had pups. And that's what happens in early April. It was just like the perfect storm. We just were too close. He surprised them. And I think, Monica, what you think is correct. If you make a ton of noise and you're just living your life normally and walking, they're not gonna try and take on a person or even a healthy dog. It's just that if one threatens where they have babies, they have to. To get rid of the threat.

Well, that's funny you'd point that out, because what I was just about to say is I am fascinated by the power of identity. When a woman has decided she's the mother of something, the breadth of what they're capable of just goes up exponentially.

Yeah, absolutely. It was not even a question. It was, I'm going in. What's the worst that can happen?

Yeah, but you deduct your baby from that scenario and you're not going anywhere near fucking coyotes. It's really impressive.

I do still have a little PTSD, though. When I do see a coyote, I kind of get like a rapid heartbeat and I'm like, okay, now it's okay. It's okay.

Hate them. You know, you could bring wolf pee with you. It's a deterrent. I bought a bunch of it.

I bring bear spray. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. I might not use it correctly and then I'll end up now blind.

There's always a great risk that you'll spray yourself. You'll shoot it upwind and then you're fucked. It's funny, the one photo of him, he's just got his head kind of slung low. He's fresh out of clearly the vet. This is the exact same look that Frank had when he was gouged from— remember, he went under the fence and then he was trying to come back under and two coyotes were getting him from behind as he got back under. They just had the most stunned— they're like paralytic for a while.

Really?

Horrors. Yeah, like obviously, like, probably the adrenaline dump, and then afterwards they're just like sedated.

Well, I think they're so like humble too. Yeah, I mean, most of my dogs, whenever they see a coyote, they're like, I'm gonna take that ass, right? Like, they're so on it. But I think when one gets the better of them, they're like, oh shit, that thing is—

I didn't know you got down like that. I thought we were gonna like nip at each other. Exactly, totally sniff each other's ass, nip nip, and then on our way.

I didn't—

I thought we were here for a good time.

Oh well, Sarah, what a valiant defense.

Thank you. Do you guys mind if I do some shout out?

Oh, we love it, we love a shout out.

So my family, my husband Tim and my kids Callie and Ben, I have to give them a shout out because All I ever do is I'm like, you guys, I have to tell you what Dax and Monica were saying to me.

Your poor family.

And then the two people that introduced me to you guys are my cousins, Cara and Katie. And I'm sure they're going to submit a story at some point, but I'm so glad that I found you guys because I have more fun listening to you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Cara and Katie. Sarah, thank you so much. That was a great story.

Yeah.

Yeah, thanks. This is fun.

Okay, take care.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello, guys.

Hi, Darren. Where are you?

I live in Kentucky, but I actually am visiting family in Ireland at the moment.

I was gonna say, you do not sound like you've got the Appalachian drawl. Yeah.

Yeah.

Where in Ireland?

I'm from the west of Ireland. It's a great place to be from.

Did you have to pause to let any sheep pass as you approached your family's house?

Well, I live on a farm, so there's no shortage of animals around here. So it is very rural, as you might imagine.

Yeah.

What brought you to Kentucky? I mean, this is a very famous migration. Most of the people in Kentucky are Scots-Irish.

For sure. Kentucky's two signature industries are horses and bourbon. So it's horses that brought me to Kentucky.

Oh, to Lexington?

Correct.

Oh, no kidding. And what do you do with horses?

I work in sales for a stud farm.

Oh, okay. And without divulging anyone's personal secrets, I am always shocked when I watch these documentaries, some of the fees that these studs reach, right? If they're like, Kentucky Derby winners or whatever? Like, what's the most expensive horse you've seen sold?

One recently was $10.5 million down in Ocala, Florida, for a 2-year-old.

Oh, $10.5 million for a 2-year-old?

Monica, for a 2-year-old horse that could get a cold and die. It's not like a car that— I mean, it's wild.

I know.

But how much can that $10 million horse then produce in sperm?

Exactly. The top of the market stallions are standing for a quarter of a million a serve per mare, and they could breed up to 200 mares in a season. So you do the math, it adds up pretty fast.

I gotta get in the horse racket.

I wonder if it was that lady who told me I could play black in Ocala.

You think it might have been her who bought or sold the horse?

I hope for her that she's thriving with that horse.

Okay, so you have an animal attack story?

I do. Does not involve horses. Takes place about 20 years ago in Thailand.

Oh.

You will not stay put.

This is great. Lots of locations.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a James Bond film.

Me and the girl I was dating at the time, let's call her Jill. So we were in the middle of a 2-week vacation having a great time. For reference, it was about a year or 2 after the tsunami had hit, so parts of it were still getting back on its feet, but it was still open for business and tourism was in full flight. This story takes place on Koh Phi Phi, which is obviously a beautiful islands off the coast of Thailand, and there we decided to take a sunset cruise. Now, part of the main attraction for this cruise for me was getting to tour Maya Bay, which is the movie made famous by Leonardo DiCaprio in The Beach.

Yeah, yeah, I went to Krabi, right? Is that right there too?

Yes, exactly.

Those incredible little outgrowths in the middle of the ocean that look like upside-down mountains.

That movie came out when we were in our early 20s, and obviously with a lot of wanderlust, we watched it more than once, and it was popular in our friendship circle. So and that was the main attraction for this sunset cruise. And so about 75 people went on the cruise that evening, and as we took off, our first port of call was Monkey Beach. Oh, and so as this was a decent-sized ship, we dock some ways from the shore. There were a number of options to get to the beach. You could either wait for the dinghy to ferry you over. You could swim, or you could snorkel. Now, this is a good time to mention that I can't swim.

Oh, oh, okay.

Yeah.

Oh my God, that seems crazy.

You're from a country surrounded by water.

Half of us here can't swim. It's really cool.

It's a bit of a cliché in Ireland. But anyway, I will say Jill was a strong swimmer. She was actually a qualified lifeguard, and we had been a bit adventurous. I was actually doing some snorkeling. I was using a life jacket around my waist and had clocked maybe 60, 90 60-minute sessions with amazing, you know, sea life on offer. So I definitely had an overinflated sense of confidence in my abilities. Okay. And so I took option C, which was to snorkel.

Uh-huh.

No.

Without a life vest.

This is a terrible plan, Eric.

I'm sorry. This is such a man thing to do.

Yeah, it sounds like a plan I would be in the middle of.

And so I grabbed the snorkel and a pair of flippers, and I make my way down into the water. I set off from the ship, and after about 15, 20 seconds, I take my head up to see how I'm doing. Doing, and I was quite shocked by how much further it looked from eye level than it did from on top of the ship. And so I look back and I have made hardly any progress, and I start to panic. And so I drop the head and just absolutely power it to the shore. I do it in one movement without stopping or looking up again. Thankfully make it to the shore, and I'm I'm beyond exhausted, honestly thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack, but I gather myself and I look over and Jill must have been in one of the first boats because she is on her haunches with the tour guide feeding the monkeys. It's all going well, but then I guess what happened, she had her fist kind of semi-closed and there was a piece of banana on her index finger. And I guess one of the monkeys thought she was withholding banana from it.

It got angry and it literally jumped up and sunk its teeth into her forearm.

Oh, are these macaques? Do you know? Is that what we're dealing with?

We're small, maybe knee-high. I didn't get what, what type they were, but they were small and there were many bastards.

Yes.

Oh my gosh. And so Jill obviously freaks out. She jumps up, she's got a monkey attached to her arm, she's swinging it around, it's still attached.

Oh my God, think of the damage it's doing to the soft tissue.

Yeah.

Finally, after I don't know how long, 10, 15 seconds, it let go, but it starts screaming bloody murder, and it raises the alarm, and about 30 other monkeys come charging towards Jill. This all happened pretty fast, but I look around and the tour guides are doing nothing. I look to my right, everyone who had been approaching the shore stopped in knee-high water and were not advancing any further. They're all watching with their mouths open, right? Yeah. And I'm going, what the heck? Like, this is my girlfriend, I got to defend her.

Yeah.

And so I jump in front of her and I start charging back this group of 30-plus monkeys. I honestly couldn't tell you how I'm swinging kicks, I'm throwing punches, I'm doing anything I can to literally fight this group of monkeys.

Oh my God. Oh my God. This is my dream and nightmare all at once.

This is horrible.

Yeah, it's like I want this to happen and I don't want it to happen.

I will say they were small and they were fast. I don't think I actually made any contact with any of them. Yeah, yeah.

If anyone from PETA's listening. You must think it looks so cool.

And really, like, no one's even making contact.

No, you look like you're trying to fly. Yeah, like you're having a fucking manic breakdown.

Despite all my best efforts, obviously I did not connect to them. What I did manage to do was thwart the attack. It dissipated them. It scattered them in different directions and we're surprised how quickly the temperature just simmered in their group. And so we all retreated and Jill got some much-needed first aid attention. She got a bandage on her arm.

Well, she needs some—

Rabies shots?

Yeah, she needs some shots!

That's where I'm going.

Okay.

Oh God.

If this ends with Jill getting rabies...

This has been rubbish. Foaming at the mouth.

Her arm gets bandaged, and that's the end of the monkey feeding session, clearly. And everyone starts to make their way back to the boat the way they came. Well, that's great for everybody except me, because I'm here with my snorkel and flippers going, "Ain't no way I'm going back in that water again." And so, the last two people to make it to the shore were these two bikini-clad girls on some sort of small banana boat flotation device that just about the two of them could fit on. And they were having the time of their lives. They were giggling, laughing, but they had two kayak paddles, and it looked like it was their first time ever using a kayak paddle. So I look around, I've got no other options, and so I have to swallow my pride, cap in hand, and approach these two nice ladies and go, uh, is there any way I could catch a ride with you back to the ship?

Good for you.

But really quick, Darren, what the fuck is this tour operation doing? Why can't they make two trips in the boat? Why is this your problem?

Again, this happened 20 years ago. Everyone disappeared. I don't know, would they have left without me?

Yeah.

Actually not, but this was me in the moment, just wanting to get back to the ship. I asked the girls, and they were very nice. They said, "Absolutely, but you gotta jump in the middle." And I said, "Actually, I'm pretty good at paddling. Why don't I grab one of the paddles, and then we'll get back in a jiffy?" They both responded in unison, "If you want a ride, you gotta sit in the middle." They were slow on the way over. They were slower on the way back with my extra weight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So by the time we're getting back, everyone is on the ship. They're all leaning overboard going, "What is the holdup?" And as we approach the ship, I hear someone say, "Look, there's the guy who was fighting fighting the monkey. So that was about as much attention as I needed for the entire trip. But as manic and as wild as that incident was, we got back on the ship, we finished our excursion, we made it to Maya Bay. It was absolutely beautiful. We met some friends, got some great pictures, and on the way back to Koh Phi Phi, they cooked up a gorgeous rice meal, and it really finished really beautifully the trip.

And so we get back to shore and we find a clinic, and of course, like you said, the nurse changes her bandage and goes, you need a rabies shot. And So she got her first shot there and then, and then said every 2 days we needed to find a clinic and get, I think it was 3 shots in total, but don't quote me on that.

Yeah, these rabies shots are like advanced. Like you have to keep going. It's not one and done. It's a crazy thing.

And so we get back to the hotel room that night and I do a little light internet research. Obviously we don't have rabies in Ireland and Old Yeller was my only point of reference. I knew it wasn't good, but as I researched more and more, I think to myself, maybe we should get separate rooms for a few nights, you know, just to be on the safe side. But for the trauma, what Mama Jill had gone through. I kept those thoughts to myself, which was the right move. In all fairness, I didn't think the monkey was rabid. It was just an unfortunate banana misunderstanding, and that's how it played out. The rest of our trip was fantastic, and it was definitely one of the most beautiful vacations I've ever taken, and certainly one of the most memorable.

I presume, because we're using a fake name, you didn't stay with Jill.

Unfortunately not. I moved to Kentucky, Lexington, and met my now lovely wife, who was also from the States.

You're chasing your horse dreams. Exactly. Well, what a great story.

Great story.

Yeah, loved it.

I love that you ended up on one of those emasculating banana boats on the way back. It's just you had like a lot of components, full range of masculinity. It's like you were a hero and then you were—

no, also you were— you had provato for no reason and then you were an actual hero, kind of, and then you were humbled.

Humbling aside, I was equally as happy just to be not in the water getting that ride back. So I did thank them in the moment, but I didn't thank them enough for saving me on the way back.

Well, in the off chance their armchair If you were in a banana boat in 2006—

That's right.

—and had a large Irishman get in your boat—

Hopefully it's memorable for them. Yes, it is.

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure you don't forget that. Well, Darren, what a delight meeting you, sir. And you too.

I will say I've been a listener from day one. During COVID you guys were a lifeline. So again, thank you again. Love the show, and will continue to listen.

My pleasure. Have you swam since?

So actually, the last year, I have made a concerted effort. And I will say freestyle was the one stroke I was the worst at. I wanted to master, the breathing underwater side to side. So I can do like a length in a 25-meter pool, catch a 10-second break, and come back. So that's the level I'm at. I can do maybe 15 laps in a 25-meter pool.

You're a swimmer.

Yeah, but treading water and in deep water, I panic. Okay. You know, still I haven't overcome that hurdle. I think you might make it to the Olympics.

I think, yeah, I wouldn't rule out LA. 2030 or whatever the hell it is. What if we went to the fucking USC swim complex and see Darren? Yeah, and the monkeys there cheering them on, like full circle. The girls in the boat are floating around photographing.

I'm sensing an AI-generated image in the future coming up.

Yeah, feed that in, Rob. All right, Darren, we'll have a great trip to Ireland.

Thank you so much, guys. Thanks again.

Take care. Bye-bye, Christy. Can you hear us?

I can hear you. Can you hear me beautifully?

Hold on, I'm seeing a lot of ribbons, accolades. What's happening?

I took your advice and I'm in my daughter's closet and she's obsessed with softball. Oh, okay. Is she a player? This is actually her first like serious year and she's getting into pitching, and I was freakishly obsessed with softball as well, so it's cool that she likes it and she's actually pretty decent. But they get cooler stuff because I used to get like the stupid ugly classic trophies and they get like these rings. Oh yeah, hell yeah.

I'd way rather have that big old obnoxious ring. That's like a Super Bowl ring and it's like heavy.

She thinks that it's real and I'm like, yeah, it's totally real gold.

There's also like a Groot-like character back there. Or Jesus. No, that's Jesus.

Oh yeah. And actually this is backup Jesus. Regular Jesus does not leave. I know, Dax, you have a Delta, but we have Della. Oh, fun. Yeah, regular Jesus doesn't leave Della's side. He was actually even in our family pictures, so this backup Jesus.

This is the first time I'm seeing a Jesus stuffy. I didn't even know if the Protestants wouldn't like that. Maybe the Catholics would. Where are we at with stuffy Jesus?

They do go to Catholic school. Okay. But we were raised very Lutheran and not as strict, so—

Got it. I think it's adorable. I've never seen it. But the cutest thing for the listener about the baby Jesus is that he comes with a little cloak on, like he has a little tunic on.

But sometimes she likes to take the robe off, and I feel like it's a little sacrilege.

She wants to see his naughty—

Jesus's naughty undies. And she's 9, so she's not doing it on purpose. But I'm also like, Della, you kind of need to chill with Jesus.

Okay, Christy, where are you?

I am in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I'm from Minnesota, so huge Vikings fan, but I did move to Packers country, and now I've been in Eau Claire, Wisconsin for 20 You know, I was just looking at a map on Instagram of drinking rates. Oh yeah, we're number one.

You're not just number one, you're like number one the way Shaun White won the gold. So it's an outline of the whole country and you see each state and then there's a color sequence and red is like the highest drinking. I'm thinking maybe only 5 or 6 states have little red dots and Wisconsin is on fire. It's just a smear of red. And I was like, wow, go get it, Wisconsin.

I'm surprised. Nice.

I think it's the really cold winters. There's nothing else to do. But also in the summer, then you're celebrating that there's at least one day of 80 degrees, so you have to drink.

I was a little disappointed Michigan wasn't a hotter spot.

I'm surprised the South isn't.

I was too. The South is not at all. It's like it was in the greens because of the Bible Belt, right? But offsetting— wow. Second to you guys was Wyoming. They're getting it on up there.

And North Dakota, because there's nothing else to do there. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, great. So we covered drinking, uh, Wisconsin. Okay, you have an animal attack story.

I I do have an animal attack story. So last year I had just gotten a brand new bike and my son was playing baseball at the baseball fields by us, and so I decided to ride my bike there. And anywhere I go on my bike, it's usually like 5 miles, but to get to his baseball game, it was uphill, like this little bike path. Eau Claire has a ton of bike paths. And so I went up this hill on this bike path, and to the left is woods, and then to the right is a really narrow street, so there's no shoulder, like you can't pull over. And his game ended, and they're actually fundraising to get lights on the fields because they don't have lights, so the games have to end by dusk. And his did.

But Chrissy, let's be honest, in Wisconsin in the summer, that's 10 PM.

Well, it was May, so it was closer to like 8, but it was getting to be dusk. And I didn't know that this was going to be a factor until later on, but then I came back down this bike trail hill. And I just— for the record, I absolutely love animals, and I know PETA might hate me, but like, I will pet any animal. I have like a squirrel house that I have on my phone. Like, I love animals. The only reason my husband would ever divorce me— like, I would never cheat on him, but I'd come home with like 7 dogs. But I was coming down this hill on the trail, and so now the woods are to my right and then the street is to to my left, and I'm very nearsighted. I should wear glasses. I have glasses and contacts, but I don't ever wear them, so I couldn't see what was far away. But I did see two big balls, and I thought it was either like big balls of fur or big balls of feather. Like, I didn't know what it was, but either way I was gonna pet it.

Oh, oh, either way, regardless, I'm here for it. Like, I'll slow down because otherwise I'm going super fast. Yeah, it sounds like a condition. Yeah. Oh, it is. So I'm going down this hill and I do start to slow down because I do want to pet this whatever it is. And as I get closer, I realize that they're two huge turkeys. And still in my mind, I didn't know enough to know that maybe they aren't friendly, but I'm like getting off my bike. I'm, let's pet these feathers. Oh my God. I go to try to touch this first turkey, and it just starts immediately like pecking at me. And its beak is long and sharp, but they're also like really ugly animals, and I still wanted to pet it. And it was pecking at me instantly, like there was nothing I could do. And I did get off my bike, but it was a brand new bike and I didn't have insurance or anything on the bike. So I'm like, I'm gonna sacrifice my body instead of this bike. I don't want him to pop a tire.

Questionable decisions. I don't think they could injure a bike.

I was worried about tires. I didn't know then how much tires cost, so I was like, I'm not going to lose this tire. And so I was like, hard pass, I'm done, I don't want to pet you anymore, I'm just going to go away. Well, I start trying to get back on my bike to go away, and they maliciously start attacking the back of my legs.

Oh, with their talons or their beaks?

So they also have talons, and I didn't realize that at the time. Their feet have like hooks on them, and so they were both like kicking and pecking at me. And I don't know if the one fatter one was like special or something, but instead of like 90-degree pecking me, it was curving downward. So when it would peck my leg, it was like breaking skin and scraping along my leg.

Oh wow, they sensed fear maybe, and they're like, oh, we have the upper hand here, I'm the captain now.

I think they sensed fear, but I also think during this time in the spring and being dusk, they were also like in the mating ritual and I was like cock-blocking them.

Oh yeah, and they're testosterone'd up, they're raging.

I don't want any part of you. I just want to leave. But later on when I looked all these turkey facts up, I realized that they have a chase instinct. So if you do try to ride away, they want to fly and they want to chase you. It's like an adrenaline rush to them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instinctual.

So once they've set their sights on you, they're very instinctive to try to chase you away and follow with you. So at this point, And I'm like, this is no joke, fight or flight. Like, I have to do something. And so I kind of just tossed my bike to the side and I'm like, I'm ready to fight. I don't know what else to do. Yeah. So I start trying to punch it in the breast because I'm like, I don't know, we eat the breast. Maybe that's sensitive. That's the only part I could get to. Because if I try to punch the beak, it'll look like I have bloody knuckles. Punching a knife. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, exactly. And so I try to punch it like 2 times and it's almost like they were laughing at me because they like back up, but then they came closer to me.

My instinct is like, they're low, I have feet, let's kick.

They were already attacking my legs, so I was trying to kick them, but at the same time I was like, if anything takes the brunt of this, I want it to be my feet. So I was like giving them my legs, like sacrifice the legs, everything else is whatever. And also my parents are gonna kill me for saying this, but 2 years before this I had gotten breast implants after having kids. I was trying to protect the investment, so I also didn't want that. Sure, part of my You're saving a lot of money throughout this entire scenario.

This is— I gotta be honest, and I hope you take this as the compliment it is— this is the most Midwestern story we've ever heard. And so anyways, and even the details here with the cost of the bike tires is just so Midwestern. I know.

And it started out funny. Like, at first I was laughing, like, these turkeys are really trying to come at me kind of thing. But then I was like, what if they do poke me and now this expensive surgery is at risk? So then, because I was on a bike, I didn't have a backpack or anything, but I had like an armband. I used to be a runner, and So when I switched to biking, I just kept the same armband that holds my phone. And I'm like, my husband and kids were just at the game. I need to call him and tell him I'm basically being attacked. So I get my phone out as they're still attacking me. This entire time they're still attacking me. Like, they are relentless. And so I get it out and I call my husband and I'm like, Kyle, you need to come to Doomer Park. Like, I am being attacked by these turkeys. And he's like, what? And then he has the balls to be annoyed by me. And he's like, I can't hear you. All I hear is gobbling. And I'm like, I know. How does that not cue into like, maybe I'm being attacked by these turkeys?

I am being attacked by turkeys. That's what the gobbling is. Yeah.

And that's exactly what I'm asking for your help with. If you're annoyed, imagine how annoyed I am.

And I think he finally got it. And I don't know if I just got pissed and hung up, but I ended up like throwing my phone like, that's done. It's almost like a 911 response where I'm like, okay, that's done. Help is on the way. Like, I'll be fine, I just have to defend myself till he comes.

Okay, again, I don't want to get bogged down in it, but we're protecting the tires, which are about $18, but we chucked the phone.

I didn't know how much tires were. I was still trying to fight the birds, and I had heard— and actually my husband had sent me a TikTok one time as a joke, like how women can't make gun noises. And I have hunted turkeys in the past, so I'm trying to like make gun sounds because I know when I was turkey hunting, if the sound of a gun went off, the turkeys would flee. Like, we weren't able to get them most of the time, so they would be scared. And I am so bad at making gun noises.

Can I hear what it sounded like?

I literally was like, pew pew, like pew pew.

Oh my God, yeah. What— that is the instinct of women to add the pew.

Well, that's how it's spelled, but that's how my kids do it too.

Yeah, because we're reading it.

I mean, it was either pew pew, and I felt like I was spitting enough that it would be good, or it was like boom boom. Like, I You don't have a machine gun. I don't—

yeah, what would you do?

I just spit all over my microphone, but I had no choice. That was for my life. Yeah, I mean, I don't know that that's better. I don't think mine's good as much as I think pew pew is weird because I've heard like a lot of gunshots and there's no pew.

Yeah, and we don't hunt with machine guns, so the turkeys don't know what that sounds like.

I commend you for that. Okay, so you're pew pewing it and they're not responding.

Pew pewing, it's absolutely doing nothing. And then I'm looking at this turkey and they have that weird scrotum red looking thing on their beak where it just like hangs and dangles over. I literally, at one point, once I switched to the fight or flight, was like, I will do anything. Like, I'm gonna grab it by like the scrotum looking thing and just like slam it like Shawn Michaels or something, like in a cage ring match. So I kept trying to grab that part of it and it would just continuously peck my hand. So it just was not working. Like nothing was working. So at this point I'm literally putting my head towards the turkey because I did have a helmet on. I was like, instead of giving it my legs because they kept getting scraped, I was giving it my head. But then I was also like dangerously close to my eyeballs. But I think at that point I was also willing to give up my eyeballs before the biker and the boobs.

So I don't know. Yeah. You basically ran through all the things they would suggest not to use. Oh, I know.

I'm fully aware now looking back, but in the moment I'm like, I need to survive this. Because who's going to die from a turkey? And it would be me. And how do you tell my kids that? During this entire time on that road, people are driving by and they're trying to honk because they see me in distress. I think they were trying to help. But then I saw this really old station wagon, like almost like a Woody car drive by. Well, I saw it drive by like 3 times. And on the 3rd time, they were recording me. And I'm just like, you can't do anything else. Yeah. I need to do something. I can't stay here. So I just tried to get on my bike, and yes, they were pecking at my tires. And I go down a little bit at a time as they're still pecking me. I'm still going down this trail, but it does lead to a bridge. And so I was like, worst case scenario, I can jump in this water. But as soon as I reach the bridge, it's almost like they were too far away from a nest, or they saw there's railing and their wings might get caught in it, like too narrow to fly in.

Yeah, they don't want to get anywhere they can't get their wings out, maybe.

I think that might also have been part of it. But then I saw that my husband and kids were parked on the bridge because you couldn't pull over on the shoulder. Like, I'm sure they had seen me, but they couldn't get to me. And so I see them coming out of my husband's truck, and they both have a bat in each hand, and they're like ready to fight these turkeys for me. And I'm like, yes, thank you.

Yeah, that's what we needed.

So then I was able to get away, and my husband's like, well, do you want me to like give you a ride home? I can put the bike in the back. And I'm like, I've already made it this far. My adrenaline's going. I had to have burned some mad cows. I might as well go the rest of the way home. And I did, and it was fine. There wasn't anything else that had happened. But I was talking to my husband later on because then I did all this research, like, how do I make sure this doesn't happen again? And I said that I was going to bring pepper spray, but apparently that would just like make them spicy chicken because they don't have like the smell receptors.

All right, they don't respond to capsaicin or whatever.

I know how— you just don't go pet them. Okay, okay.

I think that's just— hold on, that still wasn't an option for me. I see, I see, I see. When I researched this, one of the main things it tells you not to do is make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they're like, "Game's on." Apparently they take it offensively and you're threatening their home and whatever else. And because it had been dusk, they're surveying their surroundings because they're going to roost, like, in the trees. So they want to make sure that underneath them is protected. And so just being there at that time, also was putting them on high alert. So I think that's why they were pissed at me, because on the way there, you know, it was like sunny and 5 PM, they weren't even there.

We have some photos.

Yeah, yeah, I did send you some photos. Okay, great.

Oh yeah, your legs are a hot mess. They're scratched to high heaven.

Oh yeah. So this happened like on a Tuesday, and then on a Friday on our local Facebook, there was a news article on how like these turkeys have become out of control. They interviewed this guy who was also attacked by a turkey, and it was like less dramatic than my story, and they still just ripped him a new one. Like, oh my God, it's a turkey, how can you be scared? Like, you're so weak, you're such a wuss. And I'm like, people don't understand. Like, we should have our own support group. It was awful.

Yeah, they're kind of like the jackals of the bird world. But the swans are the ones— they're polar bears. They see you in a canoe, they might kill you.

Yeah, maybe I'd pet it. Yeah, sure.

Oh, this has been a delight, Christy. Yeah, you really made our day.

Anna got me interested. I work with her in your podcast and I've loved it ever since. And then my friend Allison and I always listen and compare notes. I also save them up because I'm so high-strung that I hate waiting, and then I'll like binge them. So I was binging the twin episode, and I'm a twin, a fraternal twin. Yeah, when Emma emailed me, so I was like, oh, it's meant to be. Yes. And then my son Jack plays baseball, and Della, they also listen to you sometimes, which they probably shouldn't because they're 9 and 10. But then lastly Dax, my brother, he was mainly an alcoholic in his late 20s, and then he succumbed to addiction when he was 31 in 2020. So whenever you talk about your struggles, your honesty about addiction, you're probably sick of hearing about it, but I do appreciate it so much.

I don't ever get sick of hearing that, and I'm so sorry to hear that about your brother.

And Monica, I know you love the pit. I am a nurse.

Of course you're a nurse, because you're so fun, and nurses are so fun.

I I did write a book, Newest Nurse on the Planet. That's releasing this weekend.

Exciting! Newest Nurse on the Planet.

So we talk a lot about the foreign objects in rectum and things like that, and all the fun stories.

Truly so fun meeting you. Have a wonderful summer. Enjoy that 3 months of outdoor drinking. Yeah, thank you. Okay. All right, nice meeting you. Take care. All right, all right. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something?

One of the theme songs?

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of Armchairies, we'll get some suggestions. On the Fly Rhyme Dish, On the Fly Rhyme Dish. Enjoy!