Transcript of #609 - Chris Distefano

Today's guest is a stand-up comedian out of New York City. He's performing this Thursday at the Madison Square Garden Theater on 9/11. I'm thankful to have him back in studio, the recently engaged Mr. Chris DiStefano. I love this. You feel pretty good. Yeah, dude, I guess, is racism still alive, do you think? What do you think is really going on with racism?

With racism, what I really think is going on is I think that it's turning around now, and now it's pretty much just Whites and Blacks coming together to be racist against the Chinese. You do? Yeah. So that's what I think is the nice thing about is everybody's teaming up now. It's about a common enemy because it used to be white versus black, but that's not at all what it is anymore. Latinos have been absorbed up into white, and everything is just not Chinese-Americans, just people from China. That's where it seems to be going now.

Well, some Black folks were beating up the Chinese during the COVID stuff. Remember that?

That was the big thing. I have a lot of friends, obviously by my haircut, and you've known me for a long time, but I have a lot of friends who are in the I have an honorary police badge just because of the way I look. I was just given one. Some people get an honorary doctorate like Bill Cosby, the G, O-G. I got an honorary NYPD just because of my look.

Oh, I could see you breaking that out in a men's bath house or something. Everybody down and mouths open.

I'm on a big group chat with 30 cops, and anytime there's a protest, they'll just be They'll just start writing CS, and I'm like, What the hell is that? They're like, Cracking skulls.

Yeah.

Just start coming out.

Caufen time.

That's what it is. But I think that- Do you really think that?

Because racism, it's gotten into... When I was young, it was like, I don't want to say it was nice or whatever, but it was easy. It was like, okay, everybody was a certain thing, and you got to pick them out, and you knew who was going to pick on you type of thing. But then people started getting so It's like you almost need a calculate. You're like, What is I? What? I'm only going to be racist against a half of this person or a quarter of them? It's just too confusing now.

Right. Well, it's too confusing.

It's like when you started doing fractions when you were in fourth grade.

It's also like everybody is every race and everybody's every gender and everyone. I have it even in my own family because my kids are half white, half Latino, and I have a 10-year-old daughter and a four-year-old daughter, and there's even division there. Like My 10-year-old has chosen to be more Latina, and my four-year-old has chosen to be more white. That's what's up. I'll have my four-year-old multiple times. Multiple times, my four-year-old has... Because these kids are so damn good on the iPad now. Multiple times, my four-year-old has been fully on FaceTime with ICE agents trying to get my 10-year-old locked up. Then it's like, do you put them? Because I put them in time out, but you're like, Is that enough?

And time out is what the government is trying to put them in. Exactly. Is it just a practice? I think these days, I think for Latino kids, you got to make time out intense. To at least get them ready in case they get picked up.

Actually, it's funny you say that. That's what I've been implementing in my house. I have a little room in my basement.

Alligator, Alcatraz.

We actually call it Guantanamo Bay. We have it set up. We have a little video camera there. We put them all in masks when they go down there. It's a whole thing to get them set up because the truth is, man, is if one of my children has chosen to be white and one of my children has chosen to be Latino. That's on them. That's on them. It caused division with my wife and I. I have to now choose, and obviously, I choose white, as you have.

I I mean, I think these days I am on the fence. How do you say the fence in Spanish? Bring that up.

La alfense.

You think? That's French. No, you used to- La vaya.

La vaya. She's cute.

How old For real, right?

But no. We're in Tennessee, so I don't know what's the age.

I mean, I'll say it skews a little. Nothing to drive down here for.

I just want to say I love Celsius.

It's not like the old days. I'm going to need some today.

Really? Are you not feeling? I'm sorry, man.

No, I'm okay. Let's go through some of the stuff you've said already, because, yeah, I do think these days, they're picking up so many people for so many things that at home time out should be more extensive for these It's got to be more intense. You got to put them under a bright lamp or something like that. You got to tape their feet to the floor and tickle them. You got to do things that are going to prep them.

Well, yeah. Also, too, I prepare my children for kidnappings and things like that, because with all the Netflix content and just content in general needs to come out, you have to think that networks and streamers are going to start to just do things for the content. They will just let a serial killer loose or just pay a dude to just get out there and kidnap kids so they have the story. My kids want to get into acting, so maybe that's the way.

They just started a lot of those pedia files that they're busting over there at Target. You've seen these TikToks?

No, that's what the beautiful thing- Have you seen them? I haven't because I've been off social media. I'm not on social. I've went away. I just let my kids go on it. That's fine. I just let them get all the energy out on social media, let them make profiles, talk to whomever they want, and I'm not on it.

You got to keep the breadwinner safe.

Yeah, dude. My brain got to be here.

Dude, I was thinking that a lot of the pedia files that are now, I guess, now it's not even cops busting them. It's just like dudes busting them. It's like regular dude. They'll just wander up on a guy and they're like, so who are you here to see? It's just some guy. But the guy has been flirting with a child online, a hypothetical child. The The other guy who's busting him has been sitting around pretending to be a child, making sexual advances, or I don't want to say that entirely, but communicating sexually with a hypothetical adult, because at that point, they don't know they're online, which both sides of it But definitely the predator is that's a crime. The other side also has to be a little bit weird at a certain time. The psyche that happens if all day or six hours a day for four days a week, you're sitting there pretending to be a child and responding to sexual advances of adults has to be weird. Yes. But then they get them to these places, and instead of busting them, now they're doing things where there's physical challenges, and they let them go if they can complete the physical challenge.

I mean, it's a genius move because it's like American Ninja Warrior meets Chris Hanson, which is dope. You know what I mean? It's interesting because we have to get to that level. But I think, yeah, unfortunately, now, everything, you got to know what's content. Everything in some ways is content. What I like to do is I don't film it. I just do it for the greater good. There was a dude in the local Buffalo Wild Wings in the mall near my house, and what he was doing is he was sitting in the stall and he had cameras coming out of his pants up onto his shoes, shooting up, filming up. He would look for little kids.

When he slide the camera under the thing.

He would slide this shoe under and it'd be just taking snapshots and videos of little kids on the toilet. So what I would do is I would go in there and I had the... I call it a fake baby penis, but it was just my actual penis that looks relatively like a baby penis, not circumcised, just there. I actually still have the umbilical cord.

It looks like an outy bellybutt.

Yeah, you've seen it before. Yeah, exactly. And I still got the umbilical cord. So I just had them. I would just have them take pictures of my baby dick and balls, and then we'd bust them like that. And I wouldn't even call the police. It would just be my friends from the I would just say, CS, and they would just start cracking his dude's skulls. Then that's how we'd get them off the streets because you do got to think, I agree with you, these people that expose the pedophiles, it's like you're not a pedophile, but you're also not doing it for the greater good.

I think there has to be some weird psychological thing that has to mess with you after a while. Bring up some of those pedophiles that were completing the challenges and stuff. Can you see that?

You look beefy, dude, up in the shoulders, like you're stronger now.

I have been in the gym. I'm feeling tired, though.

Do you think you have early stage COVID? What are you tired from? Do you think?

Bro, I don't. You have to, first of all, fully believe in COVID to even get it, I believe. A hundred %. But they're just getting stronger. That's crazy. Then they let them back in a lot. It's like they're just getting stronger. Some were doing hurdles. One guy had to eat 40 eggs, and it's like, okay, now he's- Now you got mad protein, and you can grab any kid you want. Well, it's just they're getting stronger.

Do you think then the solution is, obviously, to give the kids guns? Dude. Would that be the solution? I don't know. I know that's going to happen. Because that's what's going to happen is the first active shooter is going to go in with a plan and get shot by the students right away and just feel like an idiot.

What if they had a dude named Guantanamo Bay, right? B-a-e, and he was just this gay dude in Guantanamo that was just slurping everybody? Yeah. Be like, Everything's fine.

Dude, I would want to get arrested.

You would be that. You'd be a great guy to be going to my bay.

I know how to play both sides. I know how to play Latino and gay. Easily. You could do it. I have both dudes living inside me right now.

I think, look, if that's how you feel, I'm not. I don't know.

I'll tell you how I feel about that.

My pronouns are he, nosotros.

Yes, he, nosotros. Wait, nosotros? What's this between nosotros and vosotros?

Vosotros means us.

What does nosotros mean? We.

Got it. I think that's it. Oh, vosotros means you. Sorry, I think it's formal.

Can you hit that accent? Because I'm... Vosotros.

God, no. Damn, dude. I'll have two kids right now.

Do you want kids, man?

Yeah, I want some. I want to get into that, dude. But I do want to also ask you, though. Yeah, what did you think about... Oh, they just had that Drusky clip that came up. I want to talk about that. Do you see that?

No, but I'd love to see it. It's cool to not know what's going on in the world at all. It's also cool to catch up with you, and I don't even know what's going on in your life.

Well, this is the thing that's happening. We will get into that because I knew last time you were here, we had a huge conversation for two hours. It was Valentine's Day. We talked about love. We talked about where we're at.

That must have been years ago, dude.

It was a couple of years ago. You've had some big things happen in your life where you have been forced into marriage by a semi-illegal alien, and we're going to talk about that. Yes. We're going to talk about that. But first, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting, cross-racial behaviors right here. This is a clip of a white male, let's see, that Drusky put together. Okay.

Here's the love, here's the honor. If you can't come in, then come over. I think this is a Jason Kelsi impersonation Look at this. Hey, Suana. She's going to miss me. You need to listen to your nana. No, he's not listening. Look at Cedar Point. Hey, you lost, bro? No, I'm going to race.

What race?

Nascar race. You're going to NASCAR? Yes, sir. Hello, sir.

He ain't lost, did he? What is this shit, dude? You sure about that? Do you think that racism happens that much, really? Or this is more like in movies type shit, dude?

I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the South, but I know racism exists. I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like... But I mean, I think that's fine. I mean, Drusky doing that is just a good bit, but I should be able to then fully dress Black.

Well, that's where I'm going, right? Because at this point, it's like, yeah, this is hilarious, right? I thought the part with the Black dude was great. It's tough to watch because you're like, is he now perpetuating this thing that I don't think that shit happens, dude. You know what I'm saying? I grew up in areas with a lot of racism. I've dabbled in it. Sure. But I don't see that. I mean, I think you see that shit in a time to kill, an old movie or in the heat of the night. And that's just my perception. But I don't even know if a lot of my Black friends would say that they see that shit. Maybe they do, though. Maybe I'm completely blind. Maybe. But I think at this point, it's like you could do that. Somebody could do a Black face if they wanted to to create humor in it. Do you think so?

I mean, I guess you can try. I think you could try whatever you want. You could try. I think you could do it up. You try whatever you want. I don't have... Me personally, I wouldn't do it, just because Because I don't have the comedy behind it.

You wouldn't look good as an African-American.

Exactly, dude. Because I got a lot of skin tags. So even if I went like, black face or black full body, because I would most likely just go black chest.

Oh, I go black arms and legs, and I get out on the court and I'd ball. Right.

And I would keep the face white, but I got a lot of skin tags and moles and stuff, so it wouldn't look right. But I think in the name of comedy, I say, give it a try. That's why with Drew'ski, I mean, that was funny to me. Hilarious. Give it a try. Any white person that's offended by that is just, they're Guantanamo Bay in a way. Yeah. In a way, dude, everybody's just a little bit sensitive, and you really start to feel better about your life, I think, ultimately, when you come... Well, again, I don't generalize anything anymore. Me, specifically, I started to feel so much better and happier when I just got off social media because I was like, Oh, the regular, all the racism and drama, it's all happening in the comments of people that you don't know. Anybody I've made a decision in my life. If I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all, positive or negative. You could tell me how great I am. It doesn't matter. You could tell me how much I suck. It doesn't matter. You could call me any name in the book. Don't care.

Unless I personally knew you. If you, Theo Vaugh, was like, Hey, Chris, this. You're a f or whatever. Exactly. Well, dude, that's how we talk, man. I would just look at my last text from you.

Yeah, facts. But no, I just think I love this in the name of comedy. I think it's the comedy that's fun and that you need. I think if somebody were doing something messed up and that is racist, I think you can feel that undeniably.

To me, you can't be racist and funny. It's one or the other. You can't be hateful. You can't be racist and hateful. Hitler wasn't funny. You know what I mean? He was racist, but he wasn't funny. He might have been a little funny, but the racist stuff he was doing wasn't funny. But he could have been funny outside his That I don't know.

Did he have a sense of humor? Will you bring that up if Hitler had a sense of humor?

Yeah, I think he did.

Nature of Hitler's humor. Hitler's humor was often sarcastic or offensive, sometimes involved pranks directed at his associates. Examples include telling politically charged or racially derogatory jokes at public events and meetings and making light of aggressive or threatening situations. His jokes tended to reinforce Nazi ideology or humiliate perceived enemies.

Well, there's memes It comes online of him and Goering, who was the head of the Luftwaffe, the Air Force, them just laughing. A lot of times in the group chat, that gifle gets sent around with Hitler and Goering just laughing.

They're probably off work for a little while.

Yeah, you're not on all the time.

A specific example of Hitler's humor is the elaborate prank he played on his foreign press chief, Ernest Humstengel. Humstengel. Humstengel. Hitzel. Hitzel convinced Humstengel that he would have to parachute enemy lines during the Spanish Civil War as part of a dangerous mission. Humstengel, terrified and confused, spent hours circling the German countryside by plane before the pilot revealed the truth and landed safely. Another account concerns Hitler's cold willingness to use jokes to humiliate or intimidate others. For example, Hitler reportedly joked with Ermen Goering.

Goering, that's the head guy.

That to make the people of Berlin happy, he should jump off the radio tower, a joke that became widely told and led to harsh punishment for those who repeated it publicly.

That's the thing. I don't know if you've ever done comedy in Germany, but they tell you, you go to do comedy in Germany, you cannot make fun of Nazis. You can't do any of that. Really? You can't make any jokes about it at all.

They just don't want to hear about it.

They said you could get deported for that. I was like, You mean make fun of it? You mean don't condone it or don't make fun of the Nazis because that's what you guys like, Fuck what? You guys are proud of that. He was like, It's up to you. Yeah.

It is up to you. Which sounds a little bit risque right there. Nazi humor is heavily restricted and can be considered illegal for comedians in Germany, especially if it involves Nazi propaganda, symbols, or Holocaust denial due to strict laws prohibiting such content. Yeah, dude. You know who was about to go to Germany? Jim Jeffries was about to go there. Yeah?

Yeah. Why? Did he go?

I think he said that he has issues with audiences there. He's selling everywhere in Europe, except for some reason not in Germany?

It seems like they don't have the best sense of humor, right? It seems like because they went through a lot. But when I did my shows there, I did a show in Munich, and They were having fun, man. They were having fun. You stay away from the Nazi stuff. You don't make fun of them. If anything else fails, Juden, which is Jew, do a bit about that. Really? It's all good.

You know what's interesting? What do you say, Juden?

Juden. I was calling myself Juden Foster. Like Judy Foster. I was like, Juden Foster, and they were laughing at that.

They're like, God, she's not aged well. Yeah.

She's on hormone. I do look like a lesbian in a little bit, right?

You look like the lambs have been screaming right in your face.

Yeah, I know. Some people will tell me that- I was thinking Jody Foster. That's what I said, Judon Foster. Oh, yeah. But yeah, Nell, from Nell. Remember Nell when she was just like, He's going to burn on the green. Her? Born in the Wolf. Nell Carter? Well, no, Nell. There was a movie Nell where she's raised by wolves, and she just has a full Bush.

I don't like that shit.

You don't like pubic hair? When you had to manipulate all those vaginas before you had this comedy career, though, you had to run into some Bush. We used to talk about that a lot.

I'm not against it. I believe in... If I were a time traveler or something, yeah, I'd get used to it. Because it's only recently... How long did women have Bush for? It's hundreds of thousands of years.

The whole thing about women not having Bush has just started recently.

That's the thing. Who knows what the effect of that is on children? I don't know.

Yeah. Also, circumcisions, too. You can cut the foreskin straight off your son's piece, and that's a new thing. You don't know what that's going What does it do to him.

They're mailing some of those over to those tech lords in Israel. I think they're chomping those. Those are fucking gummy bears for those guys because you can be pedophile there and they don't... In Israel? Yeah. Sweet. I think you can go there.

I was supposed to go to Chicago tonight. Maybe I'll go to Tel Aviv, baby. No, don't go.

You have two kids, dude. You don't want anybody to get in the wrong idea. Oh, shit. And you're jacked. You're like, Oh, this guy's beating three challenges.

Yeah, you think so? I had a Blueberry Muffet today, too. I put protein in everything.

Let me see what this says. Women do not stop having pubic hair. Trends in grooming and styling of pubic hair have changed throughout history, with the 1980s and 1990s bringing a boom in grooming that included styles for being bare. But 2010s and 2020 saw a resurgence of the natural Bush style. Yeah, it's definitely interesting that that took on. Who was the first woman to have bare pubic hair?

Like who fully shaved it?

Yeah. I mean, that's like the first person that had a convertible open. You're like, what?

Yeah, the first person to think to shave that.

It is impossible to definitively name the first woman to have fully shaven pubic hair publicly as it was historical practice long before the advent of modern media and documentation. Okay, so it's been around for a long time. In ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece, for hygiene status and beauty, upper class Roman and Egyptian women, for instance, use tools like pumace stones, lasers, tweezers, and sugaring to achieve hairlessness. Wow. If you had a bunch of hair or you had a 50-pound test rope coming out of there, you were.

Dude, would you ever shave your head with a pumace stone? That would look... Dude, do you think he'll shave your head?

One day when I have children and once my wife leaves me.

That's when you'll do it?

Yeah, because then I'll go to court for alimony. I'm like, Oh, he's not doing good. We got to let him keep a little bit of money.

Now, is that all your real hair? Oh, yeah. Dude, it's crazy, dude. You got great hair.

I've been shedding recently this past month, dude. Really? A lot of times people will shed in August and September.

You didn't get that in Turkey?

That's your natural hair? No. Now, I've had hair taken out of the back and put into the front once. Oh, good. How did that feel? I faced in. I don't think I needed it. I think I actually was going through a ton of stress and I lost hair, and then a A lot of it grew back.

Yeah, and I like that the way it looks with a hat is pretty good, too. You look good. There's somebody out there right now, a woman right there, has grown out her Bush and cut it like that. 100%. I guarantee there's a lady out there with pin straight pubic hair. She's most likely Asian. They have the straightest hair, and she's made it into that because she's a fan. That would be nice.

Sometimes people come to shows and they'll have fun wigs on and stuff. Yeah, but if you had a woman that had that just solid hair, I mean, that thing braided It just looked like a damn, the chin of a professional wrestling in the '80s or '90s.

Looking at you, I don't know if anyone's... Stop me if anyone's ever said this before, but you have the look, you have a very unique look where you look like you're from the past, but also from the future at the same time. Has anyone ever said that to you? Or have you ever thought about that? You look, think about it. Think about it. People watch and take a look at Theo. He looks like, obviously, could be in the Civil War, like a Civil War painting from the past. But then he also looks like a woman from the future. Hey, girl. I like that, yeah.

I look like a black woman from the future, dude.

You do. Yo, it looks great, and I'm happy that I'm seeing it now, dude. Hey, sister.

Yeah, bro. This bus is late.

Hell, yeah, dude. Where's my check? I can't wait. It's crazy, man. I'm happy we're doing this.

Oh, dude, we used to have, I remember there would be this drunk black woman where our school bus would go by. She would come in and bang on the driver's side, which is not even a door. It's just a window for the driver of the bus She'd be like, Where's my check? That lady was like the bus driver was supposed to bring her government money or whatever.

I was like, What the fuck is going on? I don't have your check, lady.

She yelled at us. Kids, we'd be out looking at the window because we'd be curious. You're like, Tell them, motherfuckers, I need that money.

Right. And were you supposed to have money in your pencil case? We don't have any money. Yeah, dude. We're kids, man. You want a Baloney sandwich with no crust?

You think any of us have money? We all got picked up within the same three blocks on this bus.

Yeah.

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Damn, dude.

What's going on, dude? You have a show coming up at Madison Square Garden.

Well, the theater at Madison Square Garden was supposed to be the arena, but then the ticket sales dictated to go to the basement, baby. That's all right. No, you know what happened? I bit off more than I could chew. About six months ago, I said they came to me. They were like, Oh, a show on September 11th. Yeah. That's lit. That's lit. They said, Want to make it a day? I had done, 2023, I did Radio City and Theater at MSG back to back night. They were like, Let's try the arena because I'm from New York. Then the ticket sales, they were just not moving. I had an I had a decision. They were like, Look, you could either wait. We see a huge increase in ticket sales a week before-ish. That's the way the trends are now for certain people. Or they were like, You could just pull the plug right now and we can move it downstairs to the theater. I just said, You know what, man? I know me. I know my brain. I know my heart. Stress. I'm going to carry a lot of stress for six, seven months. I said, Me doing the arena is definitely a goal and a dream, and we'll try again.

But a lot of it was just ego. I was like, Move it to the theater. Now the theater is all but sold out, and I haven't stressed about it in six months. It's going to be amazing. Family's going to come, and then I'm going to detonate a suicide vest at the end of it. Just take everybody down.

You needed some fireworks at the end. Also, inviting people into the city on 9/11 It was a wild move.

It was a wild move. I made a ton of mistakes, but I had a manager back then who had a ponytail, so we were making wild moves back then. We're not together anymore. He's still my boy, but I was like, Yo, dude, because he told me he booked me for this, the arena on 9/11. Then he told me to hold 5: 00 PM the same day open because he thought I could do 15,000 seats at a stadium in Forest Hills, Queens. He thought I could sell 30,000 tickets, and I sold 2,000. But he said it. But when he was saying it to me, he was crazy because he was like, Obviously on Coke, and he had the ponytail and the glasses on, and he was wearing bathing suit shorts and a button up top, and it was December.

And he was eating a fruit cup.

Yeah, and he was eating a fruit cup, and he was like, You could do it, baby. He was like, I know you could do it. I know you could do it. So you get pumped up. And then he put me on this arena tour, and then we had to cancel them all. So I like him. I respect him for really swinging. But we have the same agent, but my agent was telling me from the beginning. He was like, This is a dumb idea. And I said, Dude, look at him. He knows what he's talking about. Look at his ponetails. Sleek. He uses Herbalescence. Are you kidding? Then my agent was like, All right.

Dude, the guy has two barretts.

Yeah, come on, dude. I was like, Look at him.

He wears a child's headband. Yeah, dude.

This guy is legit. I said, I might fire you and hire him. And then after a week of the The Take A Tale agent was like, Pull it. Pull it, dude. And then he was like, Fire the Master. We're still cool, that guy, and I hope he's still alive. That's amazing, dude. But I'm at the theater there. But you know what, man? It's one of those things. My little daughter, well, my older daughter, my 10-year-old, because I was a little bummed about this because it was a big moment in time for me. I was like, Oh, Daddy's going to get to do the arena. I almost wanted to do the arena at MSG because it would almost set me free because that was my only real goal I've ever had to do comedy. A lot of girls, babies, they do comedy for all their different reasons. My only reason I ever left my physical therapy job was to do the arena at MSG and to have a sitcom about my father. Those are the only things I've ever cared about. I It almost felt like if I could get that one, it would almost set me free because the everyday stress of this career, sometimes it plays with you.

Because you had the sitcom, right?

Well, I had a sitcom pilot. But still. I still have one in development now, so I'm hoping that I could get that one and just fulfill at least one of the two and then set the sights on the arena because I don't know that I'm a guy that does stand up forever. I'm already mentally being like, it's very difficult for me to go on the road and be away from the family. When When I started this, I didn't have a family. But now that I do, I'm like, man, this is weighing. I'm looking for real opportunities to just stay in New York. That's where I live. That's where my kids are, and my wife and kids. But my daughter, what she told me was, I guess she had just learned it in school. I was upset when we had to pull the arena because it was this whole big exciting thing for me. Your daughter was upset? Well, my daughter was. Well, yeah, because she got upset because she has to tell her friends in school, My dad's a loser. She had to say that. She told them that. But then she was But she said to me, when I was upset about it, she was like, Oh, it's all right, Daddy.

She was like, Remember, in this life, there's no losses, just learning. And I was like, Nice. That's it. Wow. She said that? I say my daughter, but it was actually Yannis Papas, who I do the history in his podcast with. But he looks like my daughter.

Oh, yeah.

That's what's up. Yeah, because my daughter looks like Marisa. Oh, it's a beautiful- That's it. That was her first word. She went, That's it. So me To be honest, we got the History of Hyhienas pod. It's back. It's back, bro. We came back about a year ago. I see. Him and I, we kissed and made up. Well, we 69 each other. Dude, this has been some of the most fun I've had doing comedy again because you're talking with your friend about history, what I love in New York City, which I love, and it's a place for me to stay in New York. We really just have a lot of fun doing the history hijieners. He's so smart. Well, I learned. That's I like sitting next to someone where I'm actually learning and laughing. That's it. That's it. I mean, really, the premise of the show is we talk about a history topic, but he typically knows much more than I do, and I'm learning through him and peppering jokes and all that stuff. But it's great.

Yeah, just getting to see you guys back together is great. Also just being like... I mean, I think you definitely realize as you get older, it's like having some connectivity, being around your friend is one of the best things. This is out every week?

Every single week, we come out every Thursday. Awesome. My message is, if me and Yannis could patch it up, Israel, Palestine, so can you all.

I saw the tagline actually for history hyenas now. It says, Two Chat GPT Sluts.

Yeah, because it used to be two Wikipedia sluts.

That comes, see See history in a different way.

Yeah, that come see history in a different way. Two Chat GPT Sluts, That Come See History in a different way. Yeah, dude. On our Patreon, I don't know if you guys do Patreon here, but on our Patreon, dude, we've just been, him and I have been going crazy because basically, when we first did this show, the rules on YouTube were different. In 2017, '18, '19, YouTube wasn't as strict as it is now. We almost are feeling like The show that we used to do for free on YouTube can only exist on the Patreon. The show we do on YouTube is definitely dope, but we are like, Man, dude, we came out and we put out these episodes that we thought were good, and YouTube just kept dinging us. We were like, Yo, now we can only have fun on the Patreon. But for me, man, I'm solely focused. I never had goals in this, and I was always flying by the seat of my pants, really for my whole life. But now I'm so laser-focused on anything I can do to stay in New York City and make as many of pick up and drop offs with my kids as possible.

That's what I'm looking for. Even if somebody came to me and said, I'll give you X amount that'll change your life financially, but it's a world tour, I would say no. I would say, I can't do it. Time has literally become more valuable than money to me right now because I think my kids reach that age where I'm like, oh, when they're little, it's one thing, but when they're older and you're missing everything, you're like, okay, hold on, hold on. What's the priorities here?

Then you like the kids. I think if it's the The kids hit four, six years old and you're like, I got a buddy, his son, right? And bless him. Bless him, Benjamin. That's my buddy's name. And his son, he named his son fucking Benjamin. I'm like, Are you fucking loser? He didn't even think about it. What a dick. He didn't even think about The wife was unconscious or whatever because it's a black guy, and he's like, Yeah, it was a hot birth. And he's like, Just give him Benjamin. And he goes, And I'll change my name. And the nurse like, No, that's not how you do it. He thought you could do it. If he names a kid Benjamin, then he's not Benjamin anymore. I'm like, This fucking guy should not have a kid, right? But yeah, he's at the point now. He's like, Dude, me and my kid have nothing in common. I'm like, Dude, it's not like you got put with a roommate your first year at Nickel State or something. I mean, you're just doing your best. You have to be the leader in the relationship. But yeah, I think if you get to a certain point and your kid is just like, he's not doing, at least pulling a little bit of weight, it's got to be tough.

Well, that's the thing. Well, like I said, my daughters are, they're motivated. As I said in the beginning of the show, my four-year-old has got a point of view. She calls, legitimate, says, I'm racist against Latinos, and I call ICE on my own family. For me, it's country first. I love, I mean, every password on my phone, on my Keylock, you want to break it to my house or break it to anything I own? You want my bank pin password? You know what the only four digits that it would ever be? You know what they are?

0, 0, 0, 0.

1776, baby, the year of this country. My daughter, my little one takes that. Then my older one, like I said, she's more Latina.

Extortion.

Extortion, gang violence, things like that. They've picked lanes, which I really respect and love. I like that. But there is a little division because I Obviously, the older one is pro-Palestine and the little one is pro-Israel. I like that shit. Yeah.

Well, I think here's one thing, dude, is a lot of Latinos, too. I actually one of your daughters sent me a picture and the pro-Ice one.

Yeah.

She's had a tattoo on her back and said, this ice don't melt on me. Yes.

For real. It's crazy, right? I know. Dude, she literally all she wants for Christmas is she asked me when I told her I was doing your pod, she was like, oh, she went bet, bet, bet. That's what she mostly says, bet, bet, bet. She said, Bet, bet, bet. Then I said, and then she gave me a little piece of paper. Sometimes she can only communicate really with her mom for some reason. I don't understand her words. She said that when my wife translated, she said, Oh, she wants a Charlie Kirk signed CD. Oh, okay. I guess because they're American. I don't know if you know Charlie Kirk or whatever.

Never met him. I've certainly seen videos of him. I am impressed with anybody who can think and speak at the same That's one thing that, to me, has become one of the most impressive things. Guys like him, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, who can confidently speak at a valid speed and communicate effectively, dude. That's what it is. The second I open my mouth, I am just somebody who's drunk driving my throat. It's very risque.

But you know what, dude? Bro, you know what's crazy? We've been doing this for roughly an hour, and you've said Riske three times in three different contexts, which I respect and like about you, and I've always liked that about you.

Well, for First of all, Riske also was a urban girl that I went to high school with. I hope she's doing well, Riske Wilson.

There was two kids that I went to high school with. Their names, they were brothers. Their names were Majestic and Scientific Map.

Nuh-uh. Yeah.

I didn't go to school with them, but they played basketball in a school around the time I was playing basketball. Those are two interesting brothers' names.

I love that.

You like that?

Yeah, I just love that. I think in Black culture, anything could be your name. That's true. We get one out of about 110 names. Yeah. But in Black culture, it could be... It's fucking-Dude, the guy in the Jets was named DeBrickshaw.

Debrickshaw, Ferguson. His first name was DeBrickshaw.

I met a girl. Her son was named NoDante. She's like, I was going to name him Dante, but I knew he was going to be misbehaving, so I wanted to put no in front of him. That's freaking amazing.

That's genius, man.

Let's talk a little bit about what's going on in New York. I know right now you guys have Mom Donnie. Do you think he'll be able to... He's running for mayor, right?

He's probably going to win, too, for mayor. He is. But that's why I've packed up and left New York City. Really? Well, I live in the suburbs.

Okay, so you've already left. What's that heat up there like? What's going on? Do you notice any of it in the air or not?

I think Mom Donnie, you notice that people are starting... The New York Post, which is the only one I mess with, the New York Post really goes after him hard. Oh, they do. There's a little bit of fear mongering, I think, amongst the media. I do think that he probably has good intentions. But I think, like most of us think, is that New York City is a city that you need millionaires and billionaires. If you drive them all out with the tax hikes, Then you're just going to lose the city. I think that's the fear. I think I understand what he wants with people should pay their everybody should pay more fair taxes. I'm all with that. But he has an idea of raising the millionaires tax, millionaires, billionaires to a level that they're just... Because I know it's easy for people to say, Oh, but they have so much money. It's like, yeah, but that's their mindset, how they got so much money. They never thought like that. You're not going to change some 55-year-old white dude's mindset. He's about that money. If you want him to stay and keep contributing to the tax burden, you got to make it advertising for him or he's just going to go to Florida or Tennessee or somewhere else, or she or they.

Well, let me establish him a little bit. Zoran, what ethnicity is he?

Pakistani, I You think, is he, or Indian?

Zoran.

You don't want to mess that up because Pakistan and India are- We don't want to mess with the Zoran. No. No way.

Okay, there's mom, Don. He was born in Kampala, Uganda. Yeah, to an Indian family. Okay, Zoran Mamdani, the Democratic nominee for New York City mayor and current assembly member, centers his politics on affordability, social security nets, freeze rents on rent-stabilized units, and triple affordable housing construction, aiming for 200,000 new units in 10 years, increased enforcement against exploitive landlords, and established an Office of Deed Theft Prevention for Homeowners, especially in Black and Latinx neighborhoods, Alphabet City, double for public housing preservation. Distribute baby baskets with essential goods and resources to all New York City parents. Increase New York City minimum wage to $30 an hour by 2030. So he definitely has this for the little man.

Yeah, that's what he's thinking about for the little man, which I respect, but I just don't know if New York City is the city for it. I don't know. The thing is, I really don't know. All this stuff is above my head. I've just left the city.

All right, so you're out.

Well, because- Do you think the city changed over time? My girl wanted to leave, and she's Latina. That's the thing. I think people think like, Oh, the media has made everyone think that white people are just the worst We're the only ones who don't want this or that. But it's like, the Latinos, bro, if you've ever put a Google Translate at a Puerto Rican barbecue, they're unhappy. I mean, bro, you'd be like, Okay, senor Hitler. You know what I mean?

They go in. Against Israel?

Everybody.

Everybody catches it from the Latinos. The Latinos have a lot of... They have some racism a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's good to know because you I don't know if they do sometimes. They do. You know there's Black and Latino gang violence? Yeah. But you don't hear much about it otherwise.

But that's good. Old-school Black guy is very racist. Yeah, everybody's racist, man. You could- Well, people are tribal, too. That's what it is, tribalism.

Everybody wants to make it all... There's a lot of Black crime in places. I'm not racist because I don't want to be in some of those places. I got a friend one time who was trying to get me to come to this clothing shop that they had, and there's a lot of crime there. It's young Black kids attacking people, stealing, carjacking and shit. I'm not going... It's like, I'm not racist. It's like, that doesn't make me racist. I just want to preserve my own life.

I'm just trying to live, baby. But I think more and more now from, again, the little sense just talking to people, not on the internet, just in real life, of every race, more people getting sick of it. More people like, Yo, let's move past it now. Not everything's got to be racist, sexist. I think the pandemic, I think it hit its fever pitch, and now it broke. People are like, I'm exhausted by that. Don't talk to me about that.

Yeah, I agree. I think people see that it's also this thing that they try to get different political groups to fight over. It's all a smear. It's all like, Hey, fight over this shit while everything else disappears. You know what I'm saying?

People are getting starting to get to know about it now. Yeah.

But I think it's interesting to have guys that are different. I'm always the underdog fan, I'm always the underdog fan.

Yeah, well, he's not the underdog, though. I think it's pretty clear he's going to win. I mean, you got Governor Cuomo, who- He's running against him, right? He's running against him. He killed all those people in the nursing home. He keeps trying to get Momdani into a nursing home so he can murk him. Got Curtis Silwa, who's got the beret, which I would vote for him, I understand, but he won't take his hat off.

Let me see. Bring up Silwa on that.

Yeah, Silwa. That's the problem is Silwa won't take the hat off. I can't have you as my mayor with that hat on. You know what I mean? If he took the hat off, I think he'd get more votes, but he refused. He wears the full suit with that hat on. Oh, yeah.

It's like the muffin man. Let's get a look. Let's get a little bit more of him. Can we get some audio on him? Yeah.

A Lyft, an Uber, and they are constantly being threatened with perverts who come up to them, sexually harass them. Men, for the most part, don't have that issue. Pat, I'm in all 350 neighborhoods, all 472 of the platforms in the vast city I'm the only candidate in this subway every day.

What are you talking about? Do you think he acts like... What is he? Is he the Lord of DoorDash drivers? There's no way he's in all those places, dude.

Could you imagine He looks like Isidore Dash, dude.

He looks like the great Chancellor of Doordashian.

Dude, he's just yelling about perverts and hoopers.

Dude, they should have a show called Keeping Up with the Doordashians.

That'd be crazy, dude.

We should make that.

Should we pitch that?

Yeah, I think we're- Let's just do it. Let's just do it.

Keeping Up with the Doordashians.

It's just a family that DoorDash is, and they're just pissed about it. They're like, Oh, I'm taking these rich motherfuckers on the Upper East Side. It's fucking like, Oh, I just delivered Ben Stiller some Tater Tots. They're just fucking pissed at everybody. They're like, Oh, Dershowitz wants his Waffle fries shaped into a kid's pelvis. You're like, That seems a little risque.

Yo, this is the fourth time. Riske.

Oh, it does.

Dude, I love it, man. Keep it going. Thank you. Let's get a counter up there. Keeping up with the Dordashians is a hit show, bro. Wow. See, that's what I'm saying, dude. You think your mind is not there. You keep saying your mind needs these little mental resets, and that's how you're able to get such good bits, and you're taking little breaks, which is what more people should do. You take little breaks. That's what I was saying. That old dude that I was telling you about the muffin who told me he doesn't stress about He told me he's 98 years old because he takes little breaks. He was like, Oh, when you put your kid in the car seat, put in the car seat, and instead of just going right back to the driver's seat if she was- Close the door, yell some slurs, breathe deep. Drive the car into a garage, shut the door, keep the engine running, and then you leave. No, he said, take a long walk around the car. Take five seconds to breathe and reset. You got your baby safe in the car seat, and then don't just jump right in the driver's seat and start driving.

Take five seconds the long Anyway, find little breaks throughout the day. That's what you do. You take little breaks. I like it.

Like resetsism instead of racism, resetsism. Resetsism.

Or like recidivism, but it's reseticism.

I like it.

You know what I'm saying, dude? Thanks, dude. Get a little reset.

Reset?

I haven't seen you in two years.

I know, man. It's crazy, dude. I can't believe that it's been that long. I think time just gets going and then things get hectic.

Are you home or you're on the road? Is your goal to stay home? My goal is to stay home?

It is now. I've been on the same tour for almost four years.

You're off it now?

We're taping a special in New York at the Beacon.

Beacon. Best theater. You're doing it for Netflix, Al Jazeera, Hulu?

Netflix. I would do for Al Jazeera. They didn't make an offer, but-I'm going to Saudi Arabia.

I could hit them up.

You're going to that Comedy Festival? Yeah. Should I have not? Hold on. No, that's great. Let's get into that in a second. But no, we got that coming up. Then I don't know, part of me wants to maybe do a show in Hawaii just so I I also go on vacation. But then part of me is like, I just don't know. I started like, yeah, lose. I just recently, I think my nervous system's just shot.

But do you like being home here? Do you like being in there or do you like to travel still? Oh, yeah, it's nice.

No, I do like it. I like being home. I want to be able to do more creative stuff. I'm trying to see if Drusky wants to try to do something together. Me and Spade made a movie that we're going to put out. We're editing right now. There's a bunch of little things I'm trying to do.

Yeah, dude, you and Drusky would just do it like Drusky would just be that character. You guys could just be brothers. You could do Keeping Up with the Doordashians as a movie. Yeah. And you two are the Doordashians.

I think you want to find a family that likes to DoorDash, and it's a family affair, and it's keeping up with the DoorDashians. Or it's just these funny in the babies in the back seat, and he's eating a couple of the tots or something.

Tots, yeah. Dude, one of the guys who works with me is actually I'm doing Chicago tomorrow, and he's going to work with me on the show, he does DoorDash in his spare time. There's been multiple times where he's done DoorDash orders while I'm on stage. He does his time, and then he knows he's got about an hour while I'm up there, and he does some DoorDash. The kid's hustling. He's told me, too, what the trick It's what it is, too. They all eat for free, the DoorDash drivers, because when they get hungry, they'll just eat somebody's McDonald's or KFC order and then just never deliver it and then let them take it up with DoorDash. Doordash will usually just refund their money and then reorder it, but they ate the food. Because it's not up to that. He said there's no system. It's not like they know, Oh, this guy, this driver took... They just line up the DoorDash deliveries, and you just take it, and you take the receipt, and no one's checking. No one's scanning you as the driver in, so you could do whatever you want to. I love that shit. It's not connected.

That's how you show the man right there, dude. Now, somebody doesn't get fed. Somebody and their kids do not get fed. They're splitting up a yogurt or something at home, which is tough to do, dude.

But my boys' point was the drivers don't make any money either. He's making $8 an hour. So he's like, What about him? Now I got to eat your food.

Some people, they love doing DoorDash. It's fun. Oh, here's some stats right here. Let me see. A US Food survey found that nearly 30% of food delivery drivers, including those on DoorDash, admit to taking a bite of food from customers' orders at least once.

Dude, Mark Norman will take a bite out of your food. I've seen him do that multiple times at the Comedy Cell.

Oh, potato skin, Jews.

He's the best, dude.

He's the fucking best.

Is he number one or what?

You guys, I think, you all's personalities in New York are so fun, dude. Louis was just in town. Jim Norton was here.

Did you have Louis and Jim come on in the show?

Yeah. It was just like, oh.

Dude, Jim Norton. You and I met each other by Jim Norton and Opie. Opie and Anthony, dude. You would go way back. Then half the people we used to do the show with are dead, bro. Everybody just dropped dead.

Vic Henley.

Yeah. Chef Carl, Ruiz. Damn, sucks. But rest in But Jim, dude, this bit, him and Anthony Kumia did this bit the other day that, oh, my. They reposted. I had to text Jim. I almost crashed my car from laughing because, by the way, love this pod, but you know how we do this? This is our profession. Even sometimes, comedy can't be as cathartic for us as it is for the audience because we get stuck in If you listen to some dope comedian, you laugh, but you're like, Man, you have this self-reflection, I should be better, blah, blah, blah. Jim Norton's got a new pod called Jim Norton's Pod, Can't Save You. I listen to it like I'm an audience member. It's my cathartic. I wait each week, I listen to the episodes. When they have the episodes on, they had an episode, old-school one with Colin Quinn and Rich Voss, where it's like that old Opie and Anthony energy from the early 2000s. It just hits me in a way where I'm like, Oh, this is the gift of comedy. If you're going through stuff in your life, you're depressed, you're sad, you need to laugh, that's the part I go to.

I got to start listening to that. Jim Norton can't save you. To me, it's like Jim in all his glory. But this bit, I came across it and I was dying. I kissed my friend's grandmother, which I know is trying to-All right.

It was like a little peck in our lips, and I'd be lying.

Whose lips were thinner and drier. Give a little I would be lying if I said I wasn't turned on.

I was a little turned on.

I like the taste of Gerritol.

I couldn't do anything about it. Because I'm like, Then they close the lid.

That's awesome. I don't know when he said close the lid, it just hit me because I thought the bit was just about kissing his grandma.

A hundred %.

But that's the humor that I like. It used to be one of those things where I understand this subjectivity of comedy now and how if I think it's really funny and you don't or vice versa, that's just okay. I used to get upset if I saw not the whole audience laughing, where now I'm just like, Oh, okay. Comedy can't be for everybody. Everybody's comedy can't be for everybody all the time. So I'm accepting of that now.

Yeah, just like this is where I'm, yeah, if I'm still trying to make something for everybody, then that's not going to be great. Trying to just be true to myself the best I can. Yeah, but those guys are funny at a level that's way funnier than I feel like. I mean, way funnier than I'll ever be and way funnier than I think we are now. I think you always feel like the generation before you is funnier.

Well, if you sit at the Comedy Cell and you ever get stuck at the back table with Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, Rich Voss, those guys, and they start hammering jokes, and then it comes to you, and nine times out of 10, I don't have anything to say, and then you just get abused. You realize, hey, with this game, it's ticket sales, money, Fame, fortune, all those things are whatever. There's a part of it that's great. But it's like, just pound for pound. I've never seen a group that can hit it like those guys hit it. I've never seen a group that that '90s, 2000s, tough crowd, New York. Keith Robinson. Yeah, Keith Robinson, all those guys, old school, nick DiPaolo. Patrice O'Neill passed away. I never met Patrice, but he was obviously amazing. Giraldo, those old school New York guys.

Can't even imagine.

Yeah, because there was a time where I was like...

Schumer was in there. She was so funny.

She was with that crew, yeah.

I mean, she was so good.

Now I feel like with comedy, I feel like it's just things are different now, and I just feel like, got to just do it. We have these niche little audiences. I've convinced myself at times to try to be happier with less. I'm trying.

Dude, I was getting a massage the other day, and it was by a man. I prefer a man a lot of time. A hundred %. But he doesn't do the happy ending, though.

You don't go that far with the guy.

I don't let anybody have any. I'm not driving across town so some loser can jerk me off when I can do it myself at home. I'm not going to do it. No offense. If you're a masseuse, you're not a loser or whatever. I don't mean that. I just mean the places I go, it's not like nobody's been to a school or in a beauty school. There's not a hot rock in the room unless it's in an eight ball in somebody's pocket. It's not that shit. It's just the light bulbs working and somebody will fucking run up your back You don't know if it's a bug or a little Vietnamese woman, but it helps you relax.

Dude. Same thing. No, I'm kidding.

And then I don't help you relax.

No, dude, I had an uncle fought in the war.

Oh, dude, I don't give a shit. I haven't decided what side I'm on. But here's the thing. I went in there and the guy, I paid him up front. This guy's such a great guy. I go to two massage places. There's one in Westwood that I go to in Los Angeles. It's called Siri Foot Spa, and it's amazing. Then there's one in Nashville that I go to called Crest Foot Spa.

Nice. Why does it have to be a foot spa? What is that about a foot spa? Because you just get the feet done?

No, but I'm just saying if they'll get into your feet, they'll get into the rest of you.

That's true, dude.

You know what I'm saying? If you start They say you don't know a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. But if you're able to knuckle the history out of a man's feet-100%. Then you know a man.

Yes, sir. My toes, I got my toe next to my big toe just crosses over like that. They're called hammer toes. I was telling my wife, I was like, I need a paternity test on that baby. I was saying it like that. While she was giving birth, I was like, I need to know that mind. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I kept saying that. Then they slapped me. She slapped me. My my girl in the middle of the childbirth, and she was like, Look at that baby's feet. Then my daughter has the same toes as me, dude. They're crossed over. What's that? That's what it is. I like that. I feel bad because my daughter... Because my wife's feet are very flat, like a Princess Fiona foot, and then my toes are crossed over. I'm just hoping that my daughters don't have a mix of both our feet because girls should have nice feet. Guys, it doesn't matter if your feet are. My feet look like they're on the wrong leg. My right foot's on my left and my left foot's on my right. That's what it feels like.

It looks like- You got toes in different area, where you got shit heading. Yeah, it's bad. Somebody gives you directions, you're still fucked.

Yeah, because my feet will go the wrong way. You never get wet your iPhone, and it's like you're hitting a thing and it's going over there. That's what my feet are. They're wet iPhone.

Yeah, you're like, Soaking your feet in rice at night. Yeah. Trying to get them calibrated.

Yeah, dude. But, yo, I need to start working on the massages and the care part of my- You got to do it, man. Can't just go in and do push-up, pull-ups, and sit-ups at our age anymore. It's like, you need the care. You need a massage a week, is it? Is that what the numbers are for you?

Yeah, I'll do two. Right now, this week, I'm trying to get extra one. I got a couple of busy weeks coming up, and so now's the time I got to tap in and just see if I can make sure I'm taking care of myself. I'm fortunate enough to be able to do it right. I know some guys, they have families. They're working every day. They work like a daytime hour, so it's hard to find time to go. So, yeah, I just feel lucky that I'm able to go do it. But, yeah, I like to go into that joint where it's low-key, dude. They used to have a place in LA, give it to $40, two Vietts would fucking beat the shit out of you with the fucking noes. Via Kong? I don't know. I didn't see their cox, but I did. One of them look heavy. Or he looked like his stomach was tight because it was moving around a big cock. Have you ever seen somebody like that? A hundred %, dude. Like not even in good shape. You see their abs, I'm like, what the fuck? And then you see like, oh, he's carrying.

He's got a couple of palettes full on him.

Kobiashi, the hot dog eating champion. He was always shredded because he had that.

He's got that thing on him, you think?

A hundred %. He's got that Nathan's.

Oh, that Nathan's is long and lean.

Yeah, full of nitrates.

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I knew you You weren't in LA. You were an LA guy, but I knew that you were going to come back home. You did? I knew you were going to come back home. Yeah, because I feel like you belong here.

I'm not from here.

No, but in the-In the realm here?

Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, man, I think you're right.

You belong in a 200-mile radius, and it's here.

I feel really nice here. I feel lucky to be here. I do feel like Tennessee is a place that it's caring. It feels more normal, and it's fun. I don't know, everything doesn't feel like it's for sale.

Yeah. It feels there's a genuineness to it all here where not everything is about entertainment here. You know what I mean? You're an entertainer, but your neighbor's probably not. Where in LA, your neighbor probably is, or if they weren't at some point, they wanted to be. It's a tough thing to, Oh, be around that.

Well, in Hollywood, I think, I mean, Hollywood's even losing a lot of the film industry. Bring up what's causing production to leave Los Angeles.

Tax credits, AI, earthquakes, tsunamis. Dude, Beverly Hills looks like Saudi Arabia.

Let me see. States like Georgia, New Mexico, and Nevada, plus countries such as Canada and the UK offer healthier tax incentives. The cost of living and operating in Los Angeles has significantly increased. Hollywood endured major Major strikes, and a lot of that's because of greed. The aftermath of COVID-19, which a lot of them helped push through the fucking celebrities and bullshit. It's nice just to see a lot of this shit coming back in to bite people in the ass. Studios are cutting production budgets and scaling back local projects due to declining streaming numbers, reduced programming by networks, and a fall in box office revenues. Wildfires. I mean, yeah, dude, the fact that they didn't even have water in that reservoir, the fact that there's issues with hundreds of millions of dollars they raised from fire aid that's not even going to people. It's like, what is even going on? That place just feels like such a scam. I think people with heart beats are starting to realize it. Now, I don't mean like, that's just Hollywood. That's what I'm saying. I'm not talking about the people really that are there. I mean, they know who I'm talking about, but it's not like the everyday people that's just there that's hustling, that love their neighborhoods and shit.

I'm not talking about that.

Right. L-a-o-g.

Yeah. I'm just talking about how Hollywood, how they're losing that industry. Yeah, and maybe some guy like Mom Donnie will come along there and they'll start to... It'd be nice to see eventually that people that don't have all the means get to have more of the things. Because it starts to get gluttonous and it starts to get sick.

Well, it starts and then you look back at history. That's why I love history so much and do the history pod, because you look back at the French Revolution in the 1790s. That's what happened, man, is the wage gap started to get crazy and the rich just kept getting richer. Then they just stormed the Bastille and they cut off the king and queen's head. Marie Antoinette let him eat cake, but she supposedly didn't say that. Well, she definitely didn't say that. Then they cut off the King, King Louis' dome piece. In the beginning, if you ever seen the movie Napoleon with Waukeen Phoenix, that's the first scene that they show. That wage gap is starting to broaden just like them days now.

Dude, I want to be on a horse with the revolutionaries. Yes. I know that I've made money in my life now, and it's different, but I'll never have money in my heart. I want to do some things towards the end of this year and next year that are going to start to create ways to give back, help people figure things out.

You should buy your whole neighborhood solar roofs, solar panel, Tesla roofs.

No, people in my neighborhood are fine. They'll be okay.

Go buy in the hood then.

They don't. What are you going to fucking charge their guns at night? No, but I think there That's great ways. But I don't know. I thought about going back to my old neighborhood. We got a bunch of cool stuff in the coffers, and some of that's just jokes. Dude. Did you see that Roe Kana, he's a Democratic congressman from California, and Thomas Massey, who's like the who drove here in a truck that he lives in.

It was so crazy.

Bro, parked it outside. I'm in that bitch drinking fucking raw milk with him that he got out of a goat by his home. Oh, yeah.

Did you get sick after?

I mean, I didn't get well. I'll say that, dude. You know what I'm saying? My eyes wouldn't open that far in the morning. They open, but just not that far. But anyway, they come up with this petition. It's a bipartisan effort, it says right here, in the US House of Representatives, launched in September to force a vote on releasing all federal files related to the Jeffrey Epstein case. The petition takes the form of a discharge petition, which allows a resolution or bill to bypass regular committee procedures and be brought directly to the House floor for a vote. I mean, don't you think it's crazy that they won't Do you have a take on what do you think is going on with all this?

With the Epstein stuff?

Yeah, it just seems like, how could they not... Does it feel like our government is protecting pedophiles to you?

Probably, but again, I don't know because there's so much mismatch. There's so many things happening here. So you look here and vice versa that I really don't know because the whole thing was about those missing second or second, one or two seconds of the Epstein tape. And then the government just released the tape unedited, and there's nothing that happens in those two seconds. So there's nobody that came in or came out of it. Now, could there be some more advanced technology we don't even know about that they're just making things happen? Probably. But I don't know. I really don't know. There are times where I find myself going down a rabbit hole of it, and then I try to take myself out and say, even if they are protecting pedophiles, how does that help me or hurt me in any way, shape, or form? It's like, dude, just go make your kid an avocado toast. Just go literally try to-Right, do the next right thing. I try to make it small. I try to make my life small now, man. I'm like, I don't know, dude. I don't know Epstein. I don't know Trump. I've never met these people, so I can't have them affecting my life on a daily basis.

I'm like, What are my kids going to do, man? I'm like, you know like- That's what's important. How can I help my kids learn? My stepson, the way he throws a baseball is like, We got to fix that. My daughter-A piazza, he throws it on. Yeah, dude. She wants to do cheerleading, and she keeps falling off the pyramid. So I'm like, Man, I want to get into this, but I'm also like-I don't have time. Dude, one of my kids is eight years old and still in a diaper, so I got to fix that. You know what I mean? So that's what I do. And either none of us do it or all of us do it. That's what I say. I don't tell my kids that, but I tell my kids other gems where I'm like, Do the right thing even if nobody's looking. Do the right thing. You do the right thing even when no one's looking. Like Spikely. Exactly. You do the right thing even when no one's looking. You know what I mean? I think that's what my daughter does. I mean, with the whole ICE stuff.

I think it's obviously at least she's involved, and at least she has some political or social awareness. That's what I'm saying.

I don't.

But you have to make time so that they do.

Exactly. So I keep the space.

I'm going to pivot right here. I want to talk about you. Because last time you were on, we had an extensive I think it was Valentine's Day. Our Valentine's Day was coming up and we talked about love, and we literally talked about it for about two hours. You got engaged, finally. For the second time, is that right?

Second time. First time we did it, it was like, because we had a baby so quick, and I wanted to do it, but it was really just Catholic guilt wanting to do it. Then we split up for a while. That's what happens sometimes. You split up with someone and then you realize what you got. You know that saying, you don't know what you got until it's gone. It's gone. Jazz and I have been together now for, Jesus, 11, 12 years. We're getting engaged because we got engaged because we got kids, we got three kids.

Yeah, and you're a family now.

We're a family now. I said, what?

You have three kids or two kids?

Well, two biological and one-One extra kid. One extra kid, right.

Do you believe... How does love change over time for you guys? How has it changed?

Well, I realized Is that it's not a feeling, it's an action. That's how it's evolved to me. Tell me about that a little bit. You've heard that before, that love is an action.

Wait, tell me a little more.

Meaning to me, the first sense that I felt anytime I ever saw what I felt when I first saw Jasmine, the very first-I remember you told me at a bar, you guys were at a place.

It was a volleyball bar.

Yeah, called Place to Beach in Brooklyn. It was a pun. Yeah. Then I felt, and they got shut down because they were selling the fake vaccine card.

First of all, dude, look. There's nothing like meeting an illegal alien at a fake vaccine card shop. It was amazing. If your marriage doesn't start out like that in America, then fuck you, I think.

I felt this feeling when I saw her, she stopped me in my tracks. This feeling I can't...

Like indigestion or something, but in your legs.

No, I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought maybe because me and my boy Pat, we were in so much pepperoni. I was Oh, maybe it's that. Maybe it's finally catching up to me. A Pepto-Bismol, nothing worked. I thought that was love, but that was more of an infatuation. That was more of a lust. That was more like me just taken in by her beauty, like that. That's powerful. That's necessary. Then I went through with that feeling for years, thinking like that was love. Then we would have all these problems, and I was always looking for something else. I was always pushing her away. Then I'd get close to her, she'd push me away and all these things. I realized, oh, these are just that wasn't love. Love, to me, was in action. What I realized was all these years later that the real love was her and I coming back together after a big fight. Her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty, her being there for me when the things were not going well for me. All those things were, that's the love. Love is an action. I see her do that for me because I used to I think.

I used to think that I would always be searching in my brain, being a bit of a perfectionist, as we all are, I think in comedy, we always want everything to go right. I would always say, Oh, she's not perfect. You're looking for something else. Your brain is always like, What's the next best thing? What's the next best thing? Then at some point, you say, Okay, I can go get this or get that, and then you're looking for what's perfect, what's perfect. Then I realized at some point it hit me. I was like, Oh, she actually is perfect because she's taking me in from all my imperfections. She's understanding how imperfect I am and still accepting me anyway. That is like someone who's perfect because a lot of people wouldn't do that. A lot of people would have just thrown me to the side by now and been like, Hey, figure it out, because she knows I love my kids. She knows I'm always going to take care of her. It wasn't about the money. It wasn't about, Oh, I need a man in my life. It's about specifically me. She's taking me in for my imperfections.

For me, that makes her perfect to me. After all these years, I've realized that all that and the action of love and what we have with our children and building a family, there's nothing... Your life is happening right now. While it I have a perfect life right now, and I don't live in the zero-sum game anymore. It used to be, if my career was down, I'd be unhappy. If I was feeling out of shape, I'd be unhappy. One thing could make it all unhappy because I was playing zero-sum. It's either all or nothing. I don't do that anymore. I'll say some things in my life are up and downs, everybody's life. It's all in flux.

How were you able to adjust that? Was there something that happened that made you see that? Because that's pretty powerful to hear about, man, because I think I've certainly had that. One thing will affect how I operate for the rest of the day or affect how I think about myself.

Well, I think children, that's why it's important. In my life, personally, people do what they want. But for me, abort all your kids, whatever you want to do. In New York City, you could kill them all up, I think, till they're 18. I I think you can have legal abortions. That's what AOC said.

Oh, you can send a kid to Gaza. It's all good.

Israel killed them. Mom, Donnie's going to make it 21, he said. Is he? That's what he said. That's what the platform, some people are voting for that. You can abortions up to their kids are 21. But what I felt like how I learned all that is literally just by listening to my kids and watching what my kids want for me and expect from me. I realized that you could spend your your whole life thinking about, Oh, what's going to happen tomorrow? Always being, there's something's better, something's better on the horizon. You can spend your whole life, and then your whole life goes by. So I realized to be in the... Nothing's better to me. What's better than a Lamborghini or selling out a world tour or having sex with the hottest girls? Just sitting in the grass with your kids like that. And it's not for everybody. And also at times, it's not even for me. At times, I'm sitting in the grass with my kids. I'm This sucks. I want to go drive in a Lamborghini.

But it's on a zero-sum game. Exactly.

But those moments that I do have when I am fully locked in. I'm always chasing that. If I'm chasing one thing, I'm always chasing that. I've had a feeling throughout my life of being locked in with my family. I've never had euphorias like that. I've never been happier than that. It doesn't happen all the time. At times, I'm home with my family trying to say, find that feeling, and I just can't find it. But I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I'm like, Yo, just I keep coming. Yannis and I, Yannis talks to me a lot about going back to life is coming back to the present. Always come back to the present. Always come back to the moment. That's your job. Come back to the moment as much as you can throughout the day. Come back to the moment because it's all happening now. I try to be where my feet are. There was a time when I was talking to you the last time we spoke about love on Valentine's Day, half of my brain was with you, and then half of my brain was probably back home with my kids or what I was doing after that or my show.

But now I'm fully locked in just with you. That That's one thing I have definitely can feel I've gotten better. I'm where my feet are. I'm fully with you right now. Then when I leave, I'll fully be with the driver. Then when I speak to my family, I'll fully be with them. You know what I mean? Then I'll fully be with an Asian dude in the bathroom at BNA Airport, baby. It's got Viet Cong. That Viet Cong is getting me. Yeah, I got those camera shoes. That's how I feel.

I don't know if I've explained it correctly. Round trip to Saigon. Round trip to Saigon.

Yeah, Guantanamo Bay. I don't know if I I explained it right. No, I think you did.

That's what it is. Well, I think it's funny when you say something that it's like, Yeah, I'll let my mind... I'll have a thought, and then my mind will multiply it. I'll have a feeling or one bad thing will happen, something that's not my favorite.

Well, because the brain is going to go towards connection. That's the connective tissue. That's why they say those mushrooms or acid. One of them is good because they say it wipes away your- Or opioids. I can't remember which one is it. That's what they say, one of them. Something on Joe Rogan said that. I don't know. But that feeling It's this thing where I thought... I was thinking about this the other day. To be happy, me and Yannis were having a conversation about this, and he had different feelings. But I was saying, you got to have faith. It's like people talk about hope and all that, but I feel like faith, to me, is better. It's faith is on a creator and hope is just- Hope is just gay faith. Exactly. Hope is gay faith. That's the merch. You got to have faith that tomorrow will be better. So it goes against what I just said. But on the same hand, it's like, simultaneously, I think this balance of life is have faith. We had to get out of the caves, basically, as Neanderthals. We were getting out. You had to get out of the cave, to go survive in advance and all that.

So it's like you got to have this faith that there's a better life outside the cave by also acknowledging simultaneously that what you have in the cave is enough. It's a delic life. It's just bounce. You know what I mean?

Dude, my uncle, he used to tickle us, and the only way he could get him to stop, he had to say the N-word to get him to stop.

I have the same uncle like that. The only way he'd say... It's not tickle, but you say the N-word is the only way to get him to come. Because he wants to donate his sperm. So he wouldn't be able to do it. The prostate wouldn't work, nothing. But because he's got such potent sperm, so if you yelled the N-word, he'd bust a nut. Then that's how he was able to get back to his community by helping some of the ladies who were infertile make more babies.

Oh, you yelled the N-word so the Whites will pop out. They're like, What's going on out there? He's Black. Your uncle's Black? Yeah. That's good.

I have one Black uncle. I actually have a Puerto Rican uncle, for real. He passed away. He was dope. Dude, true story. Somebody robbed my mom coming down the block, and they were robbing women, taking their purses. They took my mom's purse and multiple other ladies' purses, and then they would sell like take their money, and it was running out of the back of a bodega that they had to steal their money, sell their stuff, whatever, sell their license, I don't know. My uncle would go to that bodega and drink beers and chill, and he heard them talking in Spanish about, Oh, they just took this lady's purse. He was saying to himself, he's like, Oh, I think that's my sister-in-law. He didn't like this guy already, so they got drunk. Then he brought him. He had a whole craft shed, like a tool shed in my garage. He had He took this guy back to the garage. He thought he was just going to drink beers or whatever. Then he tied him up and he put on a welding mask and he welded the skin off his knees for stealing from my mom. Then he gave my mom all her money back and all that.

He had fossilized this guy's knee skin. Fuck. Dead serious. He was crazy, dude. Fuck. He would drive me to school.

I don't even know if I want you here anymore.

He would drive me to school. He's dead, though, that guy. I was a little kid. They didn't tell me until I was an adult.

I feel bad for everybody in that.

Yeah, but the guy was robbing purses. He didn't kill him. He just melted the skin off his knees.

I think sometimes you got to have some serious measures. Yeah, man. Finding love and committing to it and realizing that the rest of the stuff is distraction.

Yeah, but also, too, I say all that stuff, but I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Right, but you know what you're talking about for you when you're trying your best? I don't think you can say that. You know what? Because you seem insane.

No, but you know what I've been realizing, too? Just about me, because I'm only me. There's moments of the day, almost every day, where I'll have some intuitive... I'll say something so intuitive and tight, but I'll say it like, only once in a while does that get captured on the camera. When I'm supposed to be doing my job here, I'm just babbling. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'll get on the plane tonight and have a conversation with the person next to me, and it'll be next level on. I I wonder about that.

No, I think people- You ever do that? Oh, yeah. I have conversations in my head. I'll listen back. I'll be listening to the edit of an episode, just watching through. I'm like, Why didn't I ask that? They should have asked this. That's insane not to ask that right there. But I think it's just where your brain is and what you can handle and what you do and take on at the moment. There's a clip of a took a man into the mall and made him walk. He cheated, and she made him walk with a sign on. Do you see that? No, but this is awesome.

Feel free. He's a cheater. Cheater.

This guy has a sign on. It says, I had a two-year affair. Ask me how, it says.

Ask me how. He had a two-year affair while I had his second baby.

We intended I've personally had a second baby, and he was having an affair the whole time. This feels real to me, do you?

Yeah, it feels real, but to me, it's like- Is this valuable, do you think?

Is this the stuff we need to keep marriages together?

No, I would get a divorce, dude. You don't want to be with her.

Well, he should have gotten a divorce than to go ahead and have a more family.

The good thing about my lady is if I ever had a two-year affair, which I haven't, but if I ever had a two-year affair, she would never do this. She would punch me directly in my spleen. That's what would happen for that. She would find an organ, and she's lefty.

Other flyweights are welterweights.

She would hit it probably with the ring on. She'd hit me hard in the spleen, pancreas, something like that. That's what I would do. I have shit blood or piss blood.

Like an Irish Mickey Ward or whatever.

For a little while, yeah. But then she would probably make me plantanos or some dish, the maduros, the smashed plantanos. She would make it for me maybe a couple of nights later. She'd be all right. But see, what this is, this I don't like. Also, I mean, there's a part of me that also doesn't believe it. Just because of how much content is out there, I just don't believe that it's always real. But she- Why would he go do this?

If it's not real, her acting is pretty good in this video.

Well, he's... I mean, yeah, that's bitch boy behavior.

I mean, I would never- Well, here's the thing. They brought the baby. Is the baby real? Can you zoom in and see if the baby's moving at all?

Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't even look like there's baby in there. Oh, there it is. It's his feet.

That's pretty real. Who's going to give somebody a fake baby to go make this?

Yeah, and that's whack. If you got to see your parents, I don't think... I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but it's whack all around. I mean, he's whack, she's whack. They both just look like they suck, and they both do look like prototypical podcast fans. These are exactly what the fans of the podcast look like. These kinds of people. You got a fat, older lady and just a skinny guy who looks dirty. She's not even older. Yes, she is.

Why? She look like she's 25.

Too old, baby.

Wow, bro.

Too old. Oh, you owe.

But what did she tell him? You have to do this or what?

She probably said, You have to do this or what, or I'm going to like... See, that's the thing because normally it's like, Oh, I'll tweet out your messages. I'll contact this girl.

I see. So whatever. She was going to maybe blast him.

Yeah, but this is worse. I'd rather that. I'd rather that. Then go ahead, tell everyone you've ever met because I don't want to do this. I I don't believe. I bet you if you scroll through the comments, most people are saying this isn't real.

Let's see.

I don't think it's real.

Let me see. She entirely emasculated her husband. She should have just left him.

Do you believe thatHow many of these comments do you think are real people? Have you ever commented on a video? That's a great point. You're right.

It's all a mirage.

I feel like it's getting to the point now where it might be over 50% of the people that comment on your stuff are bots.

Well, especially with AI, it's like they can make so many things are bots. Ai is so capable of act more human when you comment. You can do all that. It's like we're watching a... It's crazy to think that our reality has become science fiction.

Right. But But it's the reality on the social media platforms and on the Internet.

Is it science fiction? No, our reality has become fiction.

But then what's science fiction?

Smart fiction, which it really is because it's definitely tricks us a lot.

Right, dude. I know. Yeah. I don't know, dude. I know Jussie Smollet is probably innocent. I watch a Netflix documentary.

Oh, do you think I could play Jussie Smollet in a biopic?

Well, I told you, especially from the future, because as you said in the beginning of the show, you're a black woman from the future. So I think that you could. I think that you could play Jussie Smollet and you could play the Attackers or the Nigerian dudes. I think you could play any of those three. I think you're a good actor.

Thanks, dude.

Even though I've never seen you act, but I have a feeling that you're a good actor.

Feelings mean a lot.

Dude, remember when you said on OP and Anthony or the OP show all those years ago that I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym? I remember.

Bro, we had so much fun in there.

Dude, that was crazy. You know it was crazy, too, to watch that video. If you ever like, more you, you could watch that clip and just think about at that point in your career, you were struggling. Oh, yeah. Well, you said you were struggling. You were I remember us going to have lunch and you were like, Man, I think you had done a show the next weekend in Sacramento Punch Out, and you had forgotten your pants, and you had to take the opener's pants. That's a true story. Dawn, the guy Dawn, Dapeta, you had to take his pants.

I remember that.

Yeah, because you didn't have pants, dude. I knew it wouldn't sell barely any tickets at the Sacramento Punch & Then, blew up.

That was so much fun going in there. Dude, going in there in the morning, going in that building and getting to go in there. It was great. There was like, you were in there.

Bobby Lee used to go in there and eat Bull dick.

There were heroes in there. Bobby ate Bull dick?

Yes, he ate Bull dick on OP show. Was there a video of it? Yeah, there's video of it, him eating Bull dick. Then Howard Stern was there. Remember, he was down the hall? You know that New York Serious XM building? It's not like that at all anymore. Really? There's like a ghost. There's nobody. I mean, OPI and Anthony, it's not even a show anymore. Jim doesn't have a show anymore. Howard Stern still has a show, but he never goes in. Sway in the morning, all those show, nobody goes in anymore. I think we got to start going into the buildings again. I don't think working from I don't know that it's going to last.

But here we are doing it. Let's pull up this one clip right there. Bobby's Bull testicle.

Bull testicle. Yeah, I was here for that. The chef did put olive oil and some salt on it. Wow, this was 10 years ago. See? You promise me it's not gay? It's not gay, though, is it? Wait, I'm going to get it on Snapchat. Bobby.

Is that real?

That's real, dude. I was sitting across. Then he ran out. That's so gay.

It's not gay if you're starving, dude.

You're starving. This was before Bad Friends. He was also, at this time in 2016, telling me his career felt like dead in the water. Now look how things can change.

He's one of the best bad friends you could have right there. Oh, he just pulled the nuts off of it.

Yeah, he pulled the nuts off. Oh, and he bit into him. He ate into the nuts. He vomited it. Yeah, I think he runs out of the studio, and I went after him, and he was vomiting for real. That's that Christmas carrot right there. Yeah, see, look, he ran out. He ran out. Yeah, he's dead now, Carl, unfortunately.

I know. A lot of people pass with this. It was Vic Henley right there.

Vic Henley, yeah, unfortunately.

Well, I think the one thing that we can count on, man, is just love. I think that's one of the messages I feel like from our conversation today. It's like there's a lot going on in the world. You focus on the things that are in front of you and the things you can handle. That is really what's important.

Make your life a little smaller. That's what I'm trying to tell my kids, man. There's so many things going on in the world. Take a little breaks. Yeah, take a little breaks. It's like there's travesty happening all over the world. You can't fix everything, but you know what I mean? You could sweep up in front of your crib. You could sweep in front of the house, take the garbage out, tell your neighbors, Try not to be Nazis if they can. You know what I mean? Do the right thing even when nobody's watching. All that. Comparison is the thief of joy. Hope is my hedge. Faith are my facts. I am okay.

Hope is gay faith.

Hope is gay faith. Faith is also a big time name for gay women. Gay ass faith.

Next time we talk, we should talk about how certain names could lead people down certain sexual paths.

My name, well, Christopher. My dad, he purposely calls me Christopher and not Chris because he believes that if a man goes with their full first name, that means they're gay. He basically calls me gay. That guy's a joke, but he calls me Christopher. It's really like he's saying you're gay. Paul, he named me Paul.

Sorry, dude. I got to interrupt you, but you have to go or you're going to miss your plane. I got to go. I got to go to Chicago, dude. Dude, I love you. History Hyenas is back. People can check it You're on tour. If we have some tour dates, we'll make sure we put them all up and talk about them in the beginning. I love you, man. Good to see you. I love you, brother.

You too, man.

Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

I must be cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.

But it's going to take.