Transcript of Stop Being Available: How to Set Better Boundaries and Take Your Power Back

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. I am willing to bet that you're the kind of person that everybody depends on, and that's why I'm so glad you're listening to this episode. And one of the things that really struck me about the conversation you're about to listen to is how many women, how many moms, how many grandmothers give up their dreams in order to support everybody else's. If you feel like everything falls to you and you've lost yourself along the way, today is a life-changing reminder that you matter too.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're so good. We're doing a double.

That's amazing.

Well, our first conversation, we talked about taking control of your life and personal responsibility. And this conversation, I'm so excited for because it's really about how we take on responsibilities that are not ours to own and how women in particular carry so much burden that weighs us down and how we can start to become a priority in our own lives again.

Yes.

You know, as a preacher, as an educator, as a world-renowned coach, I would love to have you speak to the person that's with us right now who is doing everything for everyone else.

It's not healthy for you to feel like you have to do everything for everybody. By the end of this episode, I want you to get to a place where you get help, right? I want you to know there's a season. There's a time and season for everything. There is a time to be helpful. There is a time to be a blessing, but there's also a time to receive help and to be taken care of.

You know, Dr. Thomas, when did you realize that this was happening in your family and this message to women in particular about putting down the weight that you're carrying for everybody else? It became really personal.

Yeah, it became personal to me when I looked at my career and how Didi's support elevated me from homelessness to being like PhD, New York Times bestseller, one of the best speakers in the world. I looked at my son graduating from college, working for a Hall of Famer like Coach Izzo. I looked at my daughter graduating from Michigan State, getting her master's degree, and now being a COO of a company. And I said, everybody's wish list has been taken care of, but one person, and that's the person that's been helping all of us.

And Didi, of course, is your wife.

Yes.

And what I also know about you and your story is that as a pastor, as a son, as a grandson, you have seen this in women all over the place. And so it's even deeper than what you experienced in your marriage.

Absolutely. Because I've watched the women in my life make everybody a priority but themselves. And I've seen them do it at the cost of their dreams and their goals. Starting with my mom. My mom was brilliant. And my mom decided not to go to college. My mom decided to raise me because that's what she thought she needed to do for me. My mom decided to get a career. My mom was brilliant, right? And so I felt like from a very young age, she made a sacrifice that I'm going to take care of my son.

And this is what I would say as I was listening to you is that even making a list of all of the things that you're doing and all of the weight that you carry and the load energetically and physically and mentally and spiritually that you hold, simply making the list actually is you seeing that there is value in the list. And until you make the list, you can't ask yourself, am I the best person for this job?

Absolutely.

Can I train somebody else to this job?

Absolutely.

Can we use a little money and have somebody else do this job? And you get into these modes where you're still doing things the way you did 20 years ago, wondering why you feel taken advantage of, and you haven't stopped to say, wait a minute, what are all the things that I'm doing around here? What are the things that weigh me down? What are the things that make me feel alone in carrying this? And making just the list. And I'm going to read you some of the things that are on the list from the team that's producing this episode.

I remember coming to this realization when I finally grew up because for so long I was so immature. And so financially, I'm taking money and I'm buying stuff and Didi's like, hey, the electricity got cut off. That's not possible. How did that happen? I was like, what do you mean by that? She's like, I gave you the money to take to the electric company. Like, what happened? And I'm like, oh, about that. I went to the mall first. And so not only did Didi graduate first, not only did Didi pass her NCLEC first and become a registered nurse, not only did she get a job first, right? She's got the health benefits first.

You're the big kid.

I got the big kid. And so Mel, the greatest mistake I made was not chasing my dream, but I dragged Didi into it. There was never any buy-in. We never sat down. I never asked her, how far do you want to go? How much do you want to do? You know what? I do believe when Didi was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, for me, it was like, how did this happen? Like, how did we get here? And what stress is Didi bearing because of you? And so there was a point when we were in the hospital and they were talking about stress that I had to say to myself, what part of stress can you own?

But you also are a pastor and you also are a coach. And this is something that you see with a lot of women. You see it in relationships. And so, you know, I know a lot of women say, but if I stop, who's going to take care of them? If I stop, they're going to be disappointed. If I don't go, who's going to handle that?

You need to understand that you are more than a role. You are more than a role. And I know you found so much joy in being a mother. You found so much joy in being a wife. You found so much joy in being a partner. I get it. And that role is important, but you are bigger than a role. You're more than a role. So before you became a mother, you were somebody. Before you became a wife, you were somebody. That's why they chose you. That's why you were a mother. That's why you brought children into this world because of who you are, not because of what you do.

For the woman who is though, because I think a lot of women feel that if I suddenly stop doing everything for everyone, then they're going to be disappointed in me.

They are.

Tell her that. Tell her.

Yeah. No, I'm going to be very disappointed when Didi stops doing some of the things that she does. But guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to be empowered. My son's going to be empowered. My daughter's going to be empowered. And we're going to learn. So Didi was always the person that took care of all the bills. Guess what happened when she stopped? I had to start doing them and I didn't die. That's why I'm saying it's okay to stop idolizing the role. It's okay to pull back. I promise you we can step up. I promise you we can step in.

Oh my gosh. I love that, Dr. Thomas. And I know that so many people, because let's be honest, it's not just women. So many people want to give up this role, taking care of everyone and then everything. But then you stop and ask yourself the question, well, how? How? We're going to answer that when we come back from this short break. Dr. Thomas and I are going to talk about how you do this. So stay with us.

Don't idolize the role anymore. You don't have to do the role to be special. You are special outside of the role.

That is the one and only Dr. Eric Thomas pleading with you. He's literally pleading with you. You take on too much. You do everything for everyone. You have all the stress. You have no time for yourself. Ugh, I felt that, Dr. Thomas. And I know you felt that too. So if somebody came to you and they were seeking your counsel because they're incredibly stressed out by the demands of their job and the demands of their marriage and the demands of raising kids and the demands of aging parents, the stress of finances, how would you coach them, Dr.

Well, this was my mom just recently and it was tough because this was my mom about my grandmother, her mother. And I told my mom, you can't give a life for a life. Like ma, you can't give your life for grandma's life. You're not a doctor. You're not a nurse. Like grandma needs to be in a facility that is trained to help her. You can't bring her to the house, ma, or you can't let grandma stay in her home and every time she picks up the phone and call you, you got to stop what you're doing. Ma, you can't give a life for a life.

Explain this. Because I do think like the first thing that came up for me as I was listening to that is, oh my God, I would feel so guilty.

Feel, right? Which is not a healthy way to make decisions. It's principle. Principle of the matter is, are you the best person for the job? Listen to me. If you're not training somebody else to do it, that's a problem. If you're that good at it and you can't train somebody else to do it and you're going to have to do it for the rest of your life, that's why it's overwhelming. So you have to understand that everything you do well, you have to teach somebody because as a mother, you can't be a mother for the rest of your life the same way you were when they were toddlers or when they were in high school.

Teach me about that. What do you mean feeling versus principle?

So by feeling, I mean you're making an emotional decision, right? You're making a decision again. You know, I feel.

When it comes to family and kids though, that's all I do, Eric.

Yeah, yeah, but.

I feel guilty.

Yeah.

I feel like you're irritating me, so I'm just going to pay that bill that you keep calling about because you're upset. You know what I mean? Like I just feel like that's all I'm driven by as a mom.

Yeah, and that's great, but.

It's not great.

But the outcomes are not great from that.

Yes.

Your feelings are great. You feel a certain way. Excuses make you feel good. Feelings make you feel good, but the outcomes aren't great.

How do I teach myself to have principles?

Yeah, philosophy. So for some people, it's Christianity. You know, for some people, you know, it's Buddhism. Like whatever it is for each individual. For some people, there's a mentor you have that you follow that mentor, but at some point, you have to have philosophies that you live by, right? But a principle is grandma needs health care. She does not need feelings care. If you actually feel good about grandma, we got to get her that help. And so a lot of times in a relationship, you know, you want people to feel good, but the thing I loved about Didi is Didi was like, what's the goal?

Okay, you just said it right there, that so many of us that are carrying the emotional load in our marriages, in our families, we don't have a goal for how we want it to be.

Absolutely.

Which is why you are going to always be run over by the guilt.

Absolutely.

Or you're going to be run over by the exhaustion because you do not have a north star or a vision for what you want your relationship with your adult kids to feel like. You do not have a goal for what you want your marriage to be like in this chapter. And not having that vision for how it could be is what keeps you carrying too much because you are constantly in the wheel of feelings. It makes perfect sense.

Yeah. Or you have a vision, but you're compromising the vision to make that other person feel good. And the one thing Didi always says is, it's we, not you. It's we. So you have a vision for your career, but we have to have a vision for our career. And I don't know how long I thought it was mine, but Didi's like, yo, this is not your dream or goal. This is ours. It affects me. It affects the children. You as a pastor, that affects our life. So we have to talk about what does it look like for us?

Dr. Thomas, that makes perfect sense. And now, you know what I want to focus on? How can you coach women and me to make yourself a priority? Because now that we're clear that we don't want to keep going and carrying the load, we want to put it down. Let's talk about the tactics. How?

Yeah, I think the first thing, you know, which is going to be difficult, man, because when you've put maybe your spouse or your children first for so long, you can unconsciously like not even realize that you're not making yourself a priority and you don't even know where to start, right? So I would just say, here's the starting point. Go back to before it was all these priorities. Before there was debt, before there was a house note, before there were all these responsibilities, who were you?

Dr. Thomas, brilliant, necessary. And it's making me think of this incredible research that backs up everything that you just said, Dr. Thomas. And I'm going to share that, but we're going to take a quick break. I also want to give you a chance to share this incredible conversation with everyone in your life who's carrying too much and they need to be reminded to get back to loving on yourself, to remembering who you were before you picked up all of this stress and burden and caring for everybody else.

Think about a time when it was just you and what life meant when it was just you. And let's get back to loving on ourselves is what I would say. If you could just give yourself 10 minutes a day, 20 minutes a day in the tub, just 10, 15 minutes a day, lock the door. Nobody comes in. I just need peace. I just need to be by myself. If you can get up 30 minutes early and go walk in your neighborhood, right? No phone, right? Whatever. I'm just saying, I just want you to step one, get back to you.

I just love listening to you, Dr. Thomas. Welcome back. Holy cow. We're talking about how to get back to your dreams with the extraordinary Dr. Eric Thomas. And I just wanted to jump right back in and talk about this really kind of counterintuitive research that backs up exactly what Dr. Thomas is urging you to do, giving yourself time for you. Researcher and New York Times bestselling author Laura Vandercam has this incredible research that shows if you're very overwhelmed and you feel like you have no time, which becomes the biggest excuse for why a lot of women in particular don't make time for themselves, the research shows that if you add in something that you love doing that's meaningful to you, you feel as though you have more time because you are elbowing out room in the week for something that really brings you back to life, whether it's a painting class or a book club or, you know, taking a dance class or could be anything, could be singing in the church choir again, anything that's important to you that makes you feel like you again.

Absolutely.

Because I think most people don't realize that the ball needs to be carried because somebody else has been doing such a great job that they've gotten very used to it getting handled. And to your point, it's painful to hear, but until you drop the ball and you say, somebody else has got to pick it up, I don't know that anybody else is going to magically do it. You know, what do you do? I'd love to have you.

But I want to say this though. This is, you'll never know if you don't drop it. Like you'll never know if they can pick it up or not. And some of the stuff doesn't need to get done because if it gets done, you don't. Your dreams are put on the back burner. Like your goals are put on, your health is put on the back burner.

Well, you know what's interesting about this is that I do think this idea, we start to gaslight ourselves. Well, if I don't do it, nobody's going to do it.

Absolutely.

And here's the thing I would say to challenge yourself. And so the laundry's not going to get done. So they come home and there's no groceries in the fridge.

They'll figure it out.

Like maybe what needs to happen is maybe the ball needs to be dropped.

Absolutely.

Because I think most people don't realize that the ball needs to be carried because somebody else has been doing such a great job that they've gotten very used to it getting handled. And to your point, it's painful to hear, but until you drop the ball and you say, somebody else has got to pick it up, I don't know that anybody else is going to magically do it.

But I want to say this though. This is, you'll never know if you don't drop it. Like you'll never know if they can pick it up or not. And so funny story, as you were saying that, all the kids at church love, they're like, man, Eric, your clothes smell so good. What do you use? Everything Didi did when she stopped washing, I learned how to do the unstoppables. I learned how to put the fabric softener in first. I learned how to do the liquid bleach, the color. I learned how to do everything. But I couldn't do it when Didi was doing it and saying it was overwhelming her.

There's a couple of things that you just said that I want to make sure I highlight. One is that you can tell you're caring too much when you start resenting the people you love and you start feeling unappreciated. I also love this idea of make a list of all the things you hate doing and that you resent doing and that you are telling yourself, well, if I don't do it, nobody's going to do it. And the third thing is you're not retiring until you tell people you're retiring. And one thing that's made a huge difference in our family is having these conversations and identifying the things that everybody hates.

Absolutely.

No, these are shared. They're not assigned by gender. It's amazing what a family group chat can do. Hey, it's five o'clock. I'm on a call. Can somebody feed the dog?

Come on.

Hey, I can't run to the grocery store tomorrow. Who can pick up this list of things on the way home? And starting to, as you said, instead of being feelings, if I don't do it, nobody's going to eat. What are we going to eat? No, principles. Household chores are shared among the household. And if people are living here, people are helping out. And every text that you send, you're asking yourself first, are you the best person for the job right now? Or are you on a phone call while out with your girlfriends?

Absolutely.

Can I ask somebody else to do it? Why am I self-assigning? And just because you did it for the last two decades does not mean you're going to do it for the next decade. Like you can change anytime you want.

And I want to say, and this may not be everybody, but there's some validation in certain roles. Whereas, you know, I had to say to Didi, you know, we can actually have somebody else do that. But Didi and I both in different roles, we had to say, I'm used to making the turkey. For Thanksgiving, for years, I made the turkey. And I'll be honest, it wasn't just making the turkey. It was, it was like, that's my, you know, nobody else makes the turkey.

Everybody has that.

Yeah, your identity. My, you know, a little bit of my ego was in there. And I, and I had to not let the turkey go. I had to let go of, I'm going to be that guy.

Well, you know what's interesting about that is that we all have a version of being the person that at family gatherings was the one who made the pie or was the one who made the turkey. And nobody actually asked you to do it. You started doing it, then everybody expected you to do it. Then you felt like it was your obligation to do it. And you already gave us the most important thing. If you love doing it, do it for the love of it. But if you're starting to resent it and you're exhausted and you're going through a challenging period in your life, you need to make a list of all those things that are grinding on you, that are weighing you down.

And I just say, it's okay not to do that anymore.

Yeah. No, it's not even that it's okay. What you're saying is that not being honest with yourself, that your family has moved on to a different chapter. It is time for you to get honest about what works for you now.

And be okay with it. And so I just think there are a lot of women who you have told yourself, you have to do this. This is not going to happen. And I'm telling you, let go and just enjoy the marriage.

You know, I think a lot of us keep doing all the same things that we were doing when the kids were little, when, you know, you were in earlier chapters of your marriage and in your life because you got used to it and it's a way that you felt valuable and it's a way that you shared your love and it's a way that you felt like you were contributing and mothering and loving. And what I have found is that when I get to a point where I'm bitchy and I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed, that continuing to run myself into the ground, what happens is the kids don't get a full fridge.

That's good.

My husband doesn't get the laundry done. He gets a wife that is angry and frustrated and stressed out. And so the things that I am running myself into the ground doing because I'm used to expressing love or, you know, feeling valuable or mothering or spousing in that way are backfiring. And it goes to your principles versus feelings. Like when you have a principle that you want to be present and you want to be calm and you want to prioritize connection and not allow these dumb things like keeping the house clean and like having dinner perfect and all this stuff, that's what starts to run you into the ground is the standards that you're holding yourself to because you just got used to it.

I think one of the deeper realizations is that nobody's going to do it the way you do it. Like you have to come to a place of peace with that. Like the level of care that you give, the level of support that you give, the level of attention and detail you give, nobody in this house is going to be able to do it the way you do it. And you got to be okay with that. And you also have to be okay with knowing that they're not, but allowing people to be as good as they possibly can be. So the reason why I think it's so difficult for you to ask for help is because you actually don't think you're getting it.

I also love that you can help yourself by just making this list and asking yourself, like, does this even matter to me? Can I lower my standards a little so I can raise my standard of living? You know what I'm saying?

And does this matter to them?

Okay, let's repeat that because I feel like we do that. We make sure all the laundry's done and your kids don't care. We make sure the mudroom is picked up and the stuff's in the cubbies. Nobody cares because they throw their stuff right back on the floor. We make sure the dishes are always done and the counters are clean. Nobody cares because they keep putting their stuff on the counter.

Yeah, you care more than they care. And Didi said some of the stuff that you're doing for our family, you made that up. We never sat down and talked about that. You never asked us if that's what we wanted. That's what you thought we wanted or that's what you wanted to impose on us, but we didn't ask for that. Didi said, I'd rather have you than a trip. Like I'd rather just spend time with my husband. And so I'm saying we have to be careful that the things that we're doing for our family are really things that we're doing for our family and not just things we're saying we're doing for our family that we really want to do for ourselves that make us happy and that fulfill us.

Dr. Thomas, what is the most important thing of everything we talked about today for the person listening to do after hearing this?

Making yourself a priority. And you say how? By thinking about the people that are a priority and what are you doing for them and just flip it. You have everybody else's list, but you don't have your own list. And so I would just say, I'm not saying don't be a blessing to others, but do for you, take care of you. You only get one life.

One of the great things about this conversation is we're inviting you to stop. Put down the dishes. Put down the phone. Put down the laundry. Put down the weight that you're carrying for everybody else. And we're giving you an invitation to ask.

What would make you happy?

Yes, right now.

Outside of your children, your spouse, or your career, like what would make you happy? And then when you know, share it with the people that you love and give them an opportunity to be as much of a blessing that you've been to them. Give them a chance to be a blessing to you.

And one of the things that's always worked for me when I get caught up in my feelings or my excuses is I ask myself, if my daughter were in this situation, would I be happy for her? If my daughter were in this situation, what change would I want her to make? Your family doesn't want you burnt out. They don't want you bitter. They don't want you stressed out. They don't want you giving up on your dreams that they would love to see you be able to step outside the role that you've been playing for the last decade and ask for some help and share what you really want and share some of your goals.

You really do owe you. I would be embarrassed to end my life and knowing that the people around me knew how good Didi was to me and me knowing that I wasn't as good to her as she was to me. That's what I want more than anything. The only way I can thank you is to reverse the roles and to be as much of a blessing to you as you were to me. And we need your help in communicating what that would look like.

Well, one beautiful thing about this conversation is you can copy the link and share it with your wife or your mother and ask her to listen to this and then say, when you're done listening or I want to listen with you, I want to talk about what you want. I want to talk about the weight you're carrying. I want to talk about the things that you keep doing that are stressing you out. I want to talk about the help that you need. And this conversation could really open up a whole new chapter and change her life.

Yeah, let's switch. Let's let me help. Let you sit there and take, receive the help, whether it's your children, whether it's your spouse. Let me help. I want to share the load. Again, we is greater than me. I want to pull with you. I want to help you pull. I want to help you structure. I want to help you pay the bills. I want to help whatever it is. You don't have to do it alone. I don't know why you feel like you need to do it alone. I don't know what I did to make you do it alone.

I think we watched our mothers do it.

Yeah.

And it's conditioning based on what we saw and what you have given us today, Dr. Thomas. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have given us permission, urgency, the truth, and how one conversation and this wake-up call of saying to yourself, you don't have to carry the load. You can put it down, but recognize what load you're carrying. Make your list and then get very loud about it.

Yeah.

Dr. Eric Thomas, what are your parting words?

Understand how valuable you are. Understand how significant you are. Understand how important you are outside of your role, outside of being a mom, outside of being a wife, outside of being a podcaster, a speaker, a counselor, a preacher, whatever you are, an athlete, outside of all your roles, you are special. And when you understand how special you are and you move from that place, your life is going to be fulfilled. And let me say this, you don't need to be attached to anybody else to be special.

Well, Dr. Eric Thomas, thank you for loving on us.

Thank you for having me. Thank you.

And thank you for making the time to listen to something that could change your life or the life of all the women in your life. I hope you will be generous with this. I hope you will share this with your mother and your wife and your sisters. I hope you will ask her, what is it that you actually want? And help her make the list of the things that she wants to put down the weight that she's carrying. I think you'd be surprised how long the list is and she will be liberated by being given the gift of you asking and you sharing this episode.

Absolutely. Love you, love you, love you. And I pray that you would learn to love yourself.

Oh, and this conversation, it is my hope that it helps you do that because you can create a better life, but learning how to love yourself, learning how to put down the weight that you are carrying that you no longer need to carry, that is one of the best ways that you can do it. All right, I will see you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.

Well, I've talked about it last. What's possible is high blood pressure.

I don't mean to laugh, but you have a funny, profound way of talking.

Okay, great. Talk to me, ma'am.

You got it. Doctor, here, I'm going to talk to you.

Talk to me, ma'am.

Okay, well, I want you to talk to me and to the person that's listening.

You talk to me first and I got it.

Yes, no, I'm serious because Dr. Thomas, you know, as a preacher, as an educator, we recently were like, why are we buying presents at Christmas? What could we do differently? Because I'm tired of feeling like Santa and nobody buys anything for my stocking.

What she said. What she said.

What he said. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

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