Transcript of #2559 - Sam Morril New

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

All day. Sammy boy, Sammy boy.

What's up, dude?

Good to see you, brother. What's happening?

It's been a while. It's good to see you.

It's been a couple years, like we were saying. Yeah, man, it might— was the club even open?

Yeah, oh yeah.

Definitely.

Definitely.

Yeah. Yeah, so it's been like a year and a half, something like that.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's good to be here.

You rolling in on the road, just constantly out there?

I was in Europe for 2 and a half weeks doing gigs, and then, uh, and then they were like, oh, we want to drop your special second half of September. I was like, fuck, all right. So I just had to stay on the road. So yeah.

What is it like in Europe being American? They look at you with a side-eye?

It was weirder last year because I was single last year. I was with my friend who was single, and he thought he was like cool going up to girls in Berlin. He's like, I'm from America, and they're like, fuck you. I was like, yeah, I wouldn't open with it. I was like, let's say you're from Winnipeg or something.

North America.

North America, yeah.

Don't be specific.

I'm like, if you want to get laid, say North America. But, uh, yeah, you know, it's interesting. Everyone responds differently. But I will say I was in Copenhagen at the end, and they're selling like— you've seen the merch on the street, and it's like little Trump holding like a rattle. He's a baby. And it says, I want Greenland. They're selling that in the street. So, uh, yeah, yeah, they don't like us.

Yeah, Ron White was in Switzerland. He said there was like an open hostility.

Yeah, it's tough. It's a bummer. But the crowds are good. The crowds are great. Yeah, I mean, it was like I was in like— I went everywhere from like Lisbon to just Athens. Fucking Croatia. I was in Zagreb.

Whoa.

It was amazing. Yeah.

How good is their English over there?

Great. They love comedy. It's like the Balkans, they like— people who are just in wars love to laugh. If you were in a civil war recently, they'll fucking laugh. And then, yeah, they were great. And yeah, I've been to Sweden. I'd done that before, but they were great.

I did Sweden once. Sweden is— it's interesting. Like, Europe is interesting. They laugh really hard, then they stop. And they laugh really hard, then they stop. You don't get like, you know what I'm saying?

Dude, Milan is like, I'll do 3 pedo jokes and then they all applaud. I'm like, what is this, Carson in the '80s? Like, what the hell am I on? But yeah, Milan is like that. And they laugh hard to get energy. Like, you have to adjust your expectations.

Yeah, it doesn't sustain. It's culturally, it's different. Like, I went over there with Hinchcliffe and he was like, I can't get them. I go, you're getting laughs. And he goes, yeah, but then it stops. It's a different thing. You're in a different culture. They probably have to process the language first of all.

It's weird.

Yeah.

And then, uh, Yes, Stockholm.

The women are like the hottest women I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, all those Nordic women. It's like the Vikings did well.

They did. Yeah, we don't talk about the good of pillaging, but there were some positives to giant handsome men and beautiful women. It works. It just works.

It's terrible initially.

Yeah, but then a couple hundred years later, you're like, not bad.

Not bad and peaceful somehow or another. Yeah, one of the most peaceful places, which is weird.

Yeah, it is, right? Well, if you're neutral, it's easy to be peaceful.

When was the last time you heard about Iceland going and fucking people up?

Yeah.

Did you go over there? Those are like the biggest, strongest fucking people in the world. They're like all those strongmen guys.

Dude, Finland held off the Nazis.

Right.

Finland was like, fuck you, fuck you. Or they held off Stalin too.

Yeah.

They were like— Hitler like was watching Stalin like, oh, the Russians aren't that tough, because Stalin couldn't take down Finland.

Also, I only think they've been a country for like 200 years.

Yeah.

Like, how long's Finland been around? I think it was like— I don't know. Is it 1812 or some shit?

Yeah, well, they're tough motherfuckers over there.

Yeah.

The dudes are huge. The women are gorgeous. I was starting fights with my girlfriend 'cause I was mad at how hot the women were. I was just angry at her for existing. I was like, I'm fucking— I was like, look, if you wanna go on a 2 and a half day break, that's fine. I'll do it. Uh, no, they were— the women were so hot that it's—

It's just weird that these warlike cultures settled down and became some of the most, like, amicable, peaceful— like, just even the way they, like, distribute wealth.

Yeah.

Like, they have these incredible healthcare programs and education, and it's like, you were the Vikings.

Yeah.

Like, how did this happen?

Yeah, I mean, Sweden just must be nice to just be neutral when shit's going down too.

Oh yeah, except for the banks.

Yeah, that's true.

The banks aren't very neutral.

That's true.

I think that's one of the reasons why they're allowed to be neutral.

True. Yeah, that helps you be neutral.

Give me the loot!

But yeah, but then Poland and Finland, like, they're on guard. They're like, in case Russia does some shit, like, let's stay fucking ready.

Yeah, isn't it wild that you have to actually think about that in 2026?

Yeah.

That Russia might actually invade Poland?

Well, yeah, didn't— I think just a missile just hit a train going from Warsaw to Kyiv, I think.

Great.

Fun.

Good times.

Good times. Good times.

But the crowds are great. That's the important thing. The crowds are very good. They were very welcoming.

When you develop a special, do you mostly do it in the city until you get your hour down and then go on the road, or do you just like constantly go on the road? How do you do it?

A little bit of both. I'm on the road now with maybe like a new 25, 30-ish right now, and I'll do it— I'll cheat and do a little from the special, but like, yeah, it's a miserable— I never enjoy when a special comes out. I'm miserable. I'm sad.

It's scary.

I can't enjoy it. The second it tapes, I'm just like sad for like 5 months. Because I'm at the Cellar, I'm following some young gun who's crushing and excellent and has their killer 15, and I'm just getting buried. And I'm doing new shit that I'm like, I get offstage, I'm like, I should kill myself. I should quit comedy. And then slowly it gets to a point where it's respectable and you can tape again at some point.

You know what's really good for, um, after post-special? Like, I know a lot of guys are doing this at our club, is just doing that Bottom of the Barrel show, Brian Simpson show. 'Cause you just—

We have one of those in New York, Will Solvents hosts at the Comedy Cellar.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

Any kind of show like that. I mean, there used to be, uh—

Although I hate when comics do old shit on it.

Yeah, that's right.

I get really annoyed. I'm like, I saw that on Fallon. I saw that bit.

That!

I've seen that bit before.

The wheel. There was one that they used to do at the Creek, which was a wheel. So like, uh, the audience would write stuff down, you would put it on a wheel, and then you spin the wheel. and then it would land on something.

Like a suggestion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that.

That was a good idea. And then they have Stand Up on the Spot in New York, but that— or in LA rather, but that one you yell.

Yeah.

You just yell shit out and that gets a little chaotic.

Yeah, it's a lot, but it's fun. You build stuff and the bar is lowered because they know it's off the cuff. But that's the problem. You think you riffed a brilliant thing and then you try it with the other stuff and you're like, it's not that good.

That's like crowd work, right?

Exactly.

Yeah, like crowd work seems amazing in the moment because people are like, he just thought that up!

Yeah.

But then you try to convert that into an actual bit, and they're like, that's not—

Yeah, my where you're from chunk isn't hitting at all. What the hell?

Yeah. What about that lesbian bar? Do you know about it, folks?

Yeah.

Yeah, dude. No, it's a tough experience, but then also, like, the crowds are sophisticated enough that they know the deal now. They know that— they know that you're building towards something.

Yeah, for sure. Especially good comedy crowds that go to see comedy all the time. They know exactly what's going on. You're working on new shit. Yeah, I mean, then there's— some people have new shit nights where they just do new shit. That's great too. But then you're gonna go and see some half-baked comedy. I'd rather just—

Just mix it all in. And you have to, you have to put it against the old stuff. You have to. I mean, I remember Louie would always say he's opening on his closer from the last special, and you're just like, well, like, that's a great idea until you have to follow your closer, but Man, are you measuring the new shit. So—

It's the only way to make— I mean, his, his strategy of doing that's brilliant because it's really the only way to get that other stuff up to the same speed.

Totally.

Otherwise you'll get complacent and you'll keep doing a bit the same way. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you're thinking about building a website, you should try Squarespace. I know because I use it. That's right. jorogan.com is powered by Squarespace. It has all the features that you need to create a standout website, like an AI-enhanced website builder SEO optimization tools, and seamless checkouts with mobile pay links. Head to squarespace.com/rogan for a free trial, and when you are ready to launch, use the offer code ROGAN to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Yeah, it's tough. And also, like, you just have to just keep doing sets because you start to hate yourself if you're telling the same joke. and you're not adding a tag, you're not— the self-hatred keeps bubbling up. I just did like 7 hours this week. I did 1 in LA and then I did 6 in San Diego, 'cause I'm like, I just have to keep talking until I hate myself to make this joke better. That's literally the only way I can do it. So I'll do a smaller room and I'll just keep adding shows until I can— until I'm like, okay, I went from like here to here. You just— I was talking to Dan Soder about this the other day. You go from like 22 to then 25 minutes, then you're down to 17, then you're up to 20, then you're down to 12. You just keep— but you know.

Yeah. It's kind of fun though that we all have the same process.

It's fun.

It's all kind of— we at least share it with each other because like, you know, I was like, oh, I'm up to like 52 minutes and I'm like, nope, back to 43.

Right.

Like, I cut this out. I don't like this anymore. And it's just that one just phased out or I got a new bit that took the place of that and I like it better and it doesn't make sense to bring that back. I have bits that are like orphans. Like I have a folder called orphans.

Yes.

And it's just bits that never made it anywhere.

They were real.

I liked them at one point in time.

That'd be a good name for an album, like a B-sides album, just your orphans. These are— I kind of would actually like to hear that. It was like when you hear a comic just— I'll see Fahim will do that sometimes. He'll just post a bit that he's never gonna use, but it's like, oh, but this is— there's something here. It's like throwaways, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I kind of like that.

Are you a guy who writes on paper, or do you write on a notebook?

Dude, I fucking do it. I do all that.

Hold on.

Yeah, I do all the little notes everywhere.

Oh, you're like a Mark Norman type character.

Yeah, I do all kinds of notes, and I just, uh, yeah, I have to handwrite it.

Really?

How come? Yeah, because I'll remember it. I don't remember— I type it too for like a backlog, but I, yeah, I don't— I have to write everything down or I won't remember.

It is a weird thing that somehow or another writing things down with your hand is— it syncs up with your brain better.

Yeah.

I don't understand why. Doesn't make sense, but it's real.

Maybe because it's like— and this is a guess, I don't know— but maybe because when you were like learning to write, you just— you're like reading along maybe in your brain as like a 6-year-old or something.

Maybe.

Because I wasn't typing at 6.

I think it's because it takes longer to write.

Hmm.

So yeah, that makes sense.

I think there's something about it gets imprinted in your brain better because you're physically writing the characters down with your hand first of all, so that you have to go through all those steps in your mind. N-A-B-T, you know, you have to put them all down. And then once you've done that, then It takes longer to write it than it does to think about it. So it's just like, it's, it's just more burned in.

Totally. Yeah, no, I think also you just look like a douchebag if you're reading off your phone on stage too much. So you have to just have a notepad. You look like you actually put more work and thought into it.

Right. Yeah, if you're just reading your new jokes off a phone, people will get upset at you. But if you're reading off a pad, like, oh, he's an artist.

And there's also like an old-school thing where you're just like, I don't know, like it just feels It just feels like, like this type of pad is right. I don't know why. It just— I like these types of pads.

Like legal pads?

I like— yeah, I like the yellow ones even better, but I like— I just— something about it. Like, you rip it out. I don't know.

Yeah.

Feels like— it feels like an actual job.

Yeah, like you're working.

Yeah.

Yeah. Are you a sober writer, or do you get fucked up when you write?

Um, I like to write sober, but like, yeah, I mean, I think you get your stories drunk and you write sober, you know? So like, I'll go out and I like going on adventures. I romanticize drunken night. Even in this special, it's like I have so many dumb drunken night stories still because it's like sometimes I'm like feeling blocked. I'm like, I should go out on a fucking adventure. And sometimes nothing happens, but sometimes you're like, that's a bit, that's something.

Yeah.

You just let the night— you're at— I like stuff where you're at the mercy of the night and you don't really have control. Like, I love that movie After Hours by Scorsese where he's just like basically in chaos for a whole night. I romanticize—

Who was in that movie?

Griffin Dunne.

And I don't think I saw that.

It's great. It's just like an all-night— it's like The Odyssey, but a guy in Tribeca in the '80s stuck all night, and it's fucking hilarious. It's a comedy. It's really funny. But the idea that you're stuck out all night, and I don't know, I like— I still like an adventure every once in a while.

You don't have kids yet.

I don't. That's why I can get away with it.

That's it.

Yeah, you're a bad dad if you're doing that.

Yeah, once you have kids, you're like, I don't want to take this because I could die.

Oh yeah, I don't do drugs. It's really mostly just alcohol.

That's good. But every now and then someone will give you a drink and it's not really a drink. You gotta be careful.

Yeah, no, I'll go myself. I don't— I'm not taking strangers' drinks. That sounds like a bad idea.

Really? Not in a long time, but I've done that in the past. I'm like, this is probably a bad idea.

Did you put something in it?

No, no, no.

I got roofied in college from that.

Did you?

Yeah, it was meant for— it was clearly a frat guy meant for a girl, and I was like, I'll take it, and he was just like, what the fuck? And I drank it and I—

that's all I remember. How'd you wake up?

I was in the dorm, but I was like, what the— and another guy I was with got roofied too, 'cause he left me a voicemail that made no fucking sense.

That is—

But we saved some woman, I think.

Hopefully.

Hopefully.

That's some truly evil shit.

Yeah, I mean, you're fucking—

That's some truly, truly—

It's as bad as it gets.

Yeah. That's— that's— and it's horrific how prevalent it is. Like, how many girls will tell you they've been drugged?

Dude, it was a thing too in school. When I was in school, it was a thing. They would just say, don't go to that frat house, they roofie. Like, you would just say it casually. Which I sure as fuck hope times have changed, that that's not a thing anymore. But back then, that was just a thing you said. Don't go to Pike, they roofie, or whatever.

So scary, dude.

Crazy.

Just so weird that someone was willing to do that.

I don't like Greek life. I don't like that culture. I don't like— it never did— the idea that you're bonding with someone 'cause they're, like, torturing you. It never did it for me. I don't— I'm not against hazing. Like, in comedy, I like that people, like, trash me and stuff. I love that.

That's a different kind of hazing, though. You don't have to, like, shit in a diaper and fucking drink 5 gallons of water in 3 minutes.

How does that prove that we're friends, that I shit in a diaper for you?

Yeah.

Wisconsin frat leaders arrested after 30 pledges found in filthy basement injured and covered in condiments.

And other things they said, but condiments was all they really talked about in the news.

Condiments?

Like other sauces or, you know, I don't know.

Prove you're my brother.

And it was very hot down there, they said too.

What? Just for what? So you can hang out with these assholes?

That's the thing. I never looked at them like I want to hang out with these. I remember leaving. I thought they were gonna beat the shit out of me too.

Like, this is how they lived? They were just stuck?

I was probably being hazed trying to get in the frat or something, some incident.

I mean, for what?

Go to cool parties?

I'm sure there's some good ones out there, but it's not for me.

I just— I mean, maybe if I got in, I would get it. I never tried.

No.

My college days were a complete waste of time. I went to college just so I wouldn't have to tell people I wasn't going to college.

Yeah, I think that's— that at that time, that's how you had to do it. But I think now it's— it's a lot of people are self-educated and you learn stuff and it's such a waste of money. It's like, you know, well, you can—

if you are disciplined enough, you can get a full university education online.

One of the most successful people I know, he— the schools were too slow for him and he just did all the courses he would have taken at like 4-speed and dropped out in one semester and He became insanely rich on his own. He was like, I got this, which is unbelievable.

What does he do?

He's a tech guy, but he just made a shitload of money.

Thank God for vaccines. If it wasn't for autism, where would that guy be?

I mean, he's— he is a fucking— is a gifted guy. It is one part of your brain that just—

Yeah, I mean, I think some of it's genetic, but I think there are some people where something happens. And then all of a sudden they're just way smarter. You've heard of like injury savants? Like people get hit in the head and all of a sudden they could speak Chinese. Have you ever heard of that?

Or they think it's Chinese.

But there are some people, there's some people that have gotten hit in the head and all of a sudden they could do complex math.

Or they get hit in the head and they're just changed. I knew a guy like that where he was just— I only knew him after the hit and they were like, he used to be A different dude.

Oh, it's 100% real. I've seen that. I've seen that with many people.

Damn.

Many people. Foreign accent syndrome. Oh, it's accent. Rare medical condition where a person suddenly speaks with a pattern that sounds like a foreign accent even though they have never visited or lived in that region. I think that's just crazy people. I don't think that's like an injury. But there's injuries. The mysterious condition that changes people's accents. I love how it's a condition. Maybe, maybe someone's just fucking completely insane and just pretending.

It's the 28th of April.

I'll never forget that day. I was just singing as I do, and all of a sudden all these voices and sounds were coming out of my mouth that's not my own. And I'm like, hang on a second, am I, am I dreaming about this?

Angie has now been diagnosed with a condition.

Sure, last one.

9 years ago, 60 Minutes met some of them. Including British woman Sarah Colwill, whose accent changed following a severe migraine. She said, no, you sound like you can work at a Chinese restaurant.

Oh no.

I said, shut the fuck up, you're out.

This lady's crazy.

She's pulling a fast one.

Yeah, 100%.

Does any white guys who just start talking black from that, you think?

Sure, 100%.

Must be from an— that's from—

it's from one head injury with the rap music on. Yeah, I mean That— you can talk normal, lady. You're choosing to do that. There's no fucking way. Like, that comes from—

Does she get a doctor's note?

Speaking a different language.

Yeah, what do you think this is? They're like, whoa. She's like, hold on, I got one of these.

What, Jamie?

What do you think her accent's gonna be as a new lady here?

Uh, German.

Eastern European accent after starting new epilepsy medication.

New epilepsy medication? Yes, okay, I speak a foreign accent, so it makes sense. But for goodness' sake, what is foreign accent syndrome? 28-year-old Angie is the latest to the—

What is it? You have something.

Strange club. What happened to her?

She developed her Irish accent 10 days after having her tonsils removed. Whether this is the cause, we'll never know.

We'll never know.

It's a standard procedure.

What if it has located my voice to a different country without a visa? Well, that didn't sound Irish. She sounded normal.

Yeah, maybe it's temporary.

Maybe they're faking it.

You know, some people also, like, they lose feeling in their face for like a half— maybe it's just like a half a day that happens.

doesn't make sense because the whole reason why people talk with that accent is because they're used to speaking in Chinese. Chinese has completely different sounds to the words, and you get a— and it's difficult to transition to English words.

Yeah, I, I've, I've never seen or heard of that. This is wild.

That's a crazy person.

Got up to almost 200 cases have been documented.

Of course. Well, there's 200 cases in this town of people that think they're a fox. The football season is heating up and every week feels bigger with DraftKings. The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states. That means from Texas to California to Florida, every fan is in on the excitement. Follow the teams you love, keep up with the biggest games, and experience the excitement of football all week long. No matter which game you're watching, you're always connected with one app. One app, every sport, all 50 states. New DraftKings customers sign up with code ROGAN, spend just $5, get $150 in rewards within 14 days. Includes all markets. That's code ROGAN. In partnership with DraftKings, the crown is yours.

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Varies by state.

There's foxkin, you know?

Is that a real thing?

Oh, I follow a ton of people.

Wait, I thought it was a joke. Fox?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think you're an animal, a fox?

Oh, well, they're furries, you know. There's a lot of furries that take it, you know. There's like cats and furries. But not all day.

I thought that was like a—

Every now and then.

But that's like a sex thing, I thought.

No, no, no. Some— for some. Listen, don't put these people in a basket. Don't put baby in a corner.

They can do whatever they want. You see some— I saw a guy in a chain and he's New York, like on a leash being walked.

Yeah, by another guy.

Yeah, yeah, being walked on a leash. Yeah, that's fucking—

they're having fun. 2 guys having fun. Can't get pregnant, no problems. Yeah, have at it, fellas. Yeah, sure, enjoy yourselves.

Sure.

I mean, I don't have any problem with that. That doesn't bother me at all. But people that pretend they're animals, there's something about that. This guy got tied up to the Hollywood sign last week. Good for him.

By a dominatrix.

Probably came like a rocket. In the middle of the day. He's probably super excited about it.

Why? Why?

I had this lady on my podcast back in the day, and she was a humiliatrix, and her whole thing was she would take these wealthy CEO-type guys that are like in control, constantly in control, and she would humiliate them and they would pay her. And one of the things that they would do is they would pay her to blackmail them. So she would, she would make them do things like suck a dick on camera and then send her the video. I'm not bullshitting. And then she would have that footage. They got off on the fact that she had them. Like, she was very professional. She would never do anything with it, but she pretended that she would. And this was the game. Like, they, he, they wanted to feel like—

Yeah, what a great gig. You can ask for a raise whenever you want. What are they gonna fucking do?

You got a film of them sucking a dick. So she would say, I want a film of you sucking a dick.

Wow.

And then I'm gonna take that film. And this is pre-AI too. This is a long time. So it's a real guy sucked a real guy's dick because he wanted this lady to have this information over him.

Yeah, it's like, it's just you've gone too far in the kink thing. It's like you've gone—

Have you though?

Listen, I wouldn't want— that's too far, man.

I think if you're one of those guys that is a CEO of some major business and you're working 16 hours a day, you're probably losing your fucking mind.

Yeah, and I guess you're trying to come in the most efficient manner possible. You're like, I need 7 hours of sleep. I'm working 16 hours.

Well, I would think that maybe that kind of power and control over a large corporation is probably so overwhelming you need a release valve.

Of course.

And the release valve is someone having ultimate control over you.

Yeah, no, those guys are usually subs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they're used to control.

Dominatrixes always—

Anytime I see a powerful man, I'm like, I bet you like to get pegged.

Like get your nuts kicked.

I bet.

See those guys? They just lay down with their hands tied behind their back and girls kick them in the nuts.

But that scares me for like a permanent injury.

Oh yeah.

You could, you could permanently have like a nut in you, right?

Well, you could blow your nut out. I know 2 dudes who's have— who've had their nuts blown out personally.

What does that entail?

It entails usually a shin to the nuts and it makes your nuts explode, makes one of your nuts explode and they have to remove it. They remove your nut. That's fucking wild.

I know a guy who did—

he was gonna do like some light sparring with this guy, said, ah, we're just gonna go light, I don't need my cup. So he goes out there and like a minute into the round he gets kicked in the nuts and his nut explodes.

That is fucking awful.

Loses a nut. He's a one-nut champ now.

God.

Yeah.

And now you just gotta pray you don't get testicular cancer in the other nut.

Right.

'Cause like, that's— I always think about that.

That's a wrap.

You know, because you hear about these people that go deaf in one ear. I'm like, you better pray you don't lose hearing in the other ear.

You wanna hear what's crazy? They can do dick transplants, but they can't—

Really?

Yep, they've done it, but they can't do nut transplants. Because say like—

Wait, what is a dick transplant?

A dick transplant is you get an actual dick from a dead guy. Like say you're in Afghanistan, you're in an IED, your dick and your balls get blown off of you. It's happened before. They will transplant a dick onto you.

But no balls.

No balls. You know why? Because say if—

It's like a burger with no fries. It doesn't hit the same.

This is what's wrong. Yeah, if you got your dick blown off and you had to get Jamie's dick and balls, you would— if you died. Oh, if you died.

Giving them up?

Okay, let's say Red Band. Say Red Band's dick and balls. The problem is You would have Red Band's sperm forever. So you would have his DNA.

I mean, that's not the only problem.

That's—

there's other problems. There's multiple problems.

You lost your dick.

Yeah.

That's the big one. But the other one is—

But you can't procreate without balls anyway.

Right. You won't be able to procreate.

Yeah.

But if you got the ball transplant—

But you're shooting this guy's load on people.

If you got the ball transplant, you would be able to procreate, but you would not be procreating with your DNA. You would be procreating with his DNA.

But how safe are these penile transplants? These can't be safe.

Safe and effective.

Really? Did you read about that guy in Bangkok?

I'm making that up.

I'm not going in.

Yeah, the guy who lost— he died. He got a dick— that was like an enhancement though, right?

Yeah, yeah, but he went with his fucking wife who didn't try to talk him out of it. Yo, that's gotta feel bad or good.

This one was—

she wanted out.

Yeah, I mean, maybe she talked him into it. Maybe she slipped the guy an extra $100 to Double up the fucking gas. What's this? First total penis transplant.

No.

What?

And—

And scrotum transplant.

Yeah.

Um, but is that testicles?

14-hour surgery.

It said— it said for ethical reasons, not the testicles.

Yeah, excluding testicles for ethical reasons. That's why. So the structure, but like the scrotum. So it work though? Yes. No, it won't work. So that's the ethical reason. The ethical reason is the testicles produce the DNA of the person who's dead.

Mm-hmm.

So you would be having his babies, which is wild.

Is the peeing a smooth—

is it—

do you pee smoothly, or how does that go?

So this first one—

Smooth is a weird question.

Regained full urinary and sexual function.

Wow.

And fathered a child. What?

Wait a minute, how did he father a child?

This was in 2014.

Okay, he lost his organ due to a botched circumcision, but he might have kept his nuts.

Oh yeah.

That's different.

Yeah, but just— yeah, we're just talking about the penile thing, I thought.

Right, so he got a new dick and found himself—

Circumcision after 20 is a bad idea.

Yeah, well, circumcision is fucking crazy, period.

Are you circumcised or no?

I am, but I didn't have any say in the matter.

Right.

Me and my wife actually had an argument about it if we were gonna have a child that was a boy. We obviously had children, but we were— I was like, I don't want to get him circumcised. I had a joke about it. She's like, circumcised— uncircumcised dicks look disgusting. I'm like, how many have you seen? Like, you said that so confidently. Like, I just picture a river of sleepy uncircumcised dicks.

Dude, that's a fun sentence. This sentence is tough.

5 penis transplants have been performed worldwide.

Next sentence.

Mixed outcomes have been reported.

5—

in 2 of the 5 penile transplants—

If you're a baseball player, that's pretty good.

What is it?

If you're a surgeon, it's not that good. If you're Tony Gwynn, it's fine.

What does it say? It says 2 of the 5 what? Can you click on it and see what it says?

That was enough.

But it says 2 of the 5. What happens to those 2 of the 5?

Required explanation.

Oh, have required explanation. What does that mean? 2 of the 5 penile transplants have required explanation? Hey, why is your dick black? I can explain.

Hold on.

However, the long-term outcome has been encouraging when compliance is implemented, whether standard induction or triple therapy maintenance or single therapy maintenance. If you're gonna go through this, you should be able to pick the dick out like you go to a nice steakhouse and they bring you the knives.

Oh yeah, or a lobster tank. Yeah, I want the big one.

I want the big one.

I don't want—

yeah, I wouldn't want to go through that for a fucking tiny dick. Imagine you go through that and you still have a 5-inch dick and you have to explain like, it's not even my dick. Yeah, I know it's little. Yeah, look, it's not my—

Discount in China.

Yeah, I found it. Yeah, I found it at a motorcycle wreck. Areas of uncertainty include the ethics of donor-recipient color mismatch, right? If you're like one of those guys like, it's got to be black, please just get me a black dick. We're all one color. We're all one race. Surveillance for sexually transmitted infections and how to optimize patient compliance, right? Imagine if you get some guy's dick and it's just all ate up with the herpes.

Yeah.

And it looked good when it was like in the box, like nice.

Yeah, I don't mind herpes. I want it to be my herpes at least.

Right.

I want to at least earn it.

Like, how'd this guy get the herpes? That's the question. Was he just raw-dogging prostitutes? Was he an animal?

Yeah, I want a backstory.

How did he die?

It should come with a brochure.

Yeah, did he die of a fucking heroin overdose in a terrible whorehouse somewhere?

The Carfax on it.

Yeah, I'd like that. I would.

It's been in an accident before.

It's the first transplant.

I have a friend who has his dick broken.

What the fucking?

Yeah, the girl got on top and she got a little crazy.

I'll be honest, I worry sometimes when that happens.

It can get crazy. Things can happen, especially if the lady's got a lot of power. You know, like maybe you're dating a softball player or something, he's got a good squat.

She's got good thighs.

Yeah, and she fucking— and she misses the mark and it hits the taint.

I've definitely been like, ooh, let's, let's take it easy.

Well, it could get out of control. Yeah, yeah, especially the on top because you're in danger. It's like one of the one times where a man's in danger.

I slept with a woman once who told me she— while we were fucking, she goes, I fucked NBA players. I don't know why she told me that while we were having sex.

Ew.

We were both— first off, I was like, well, which NBA players? And she was like, I'm not telling you. I was like, well, the Knicks. I want to know if you fucked a Knick, you know, just as like selfishly as a fan. But she was moving her hips in a way where I'm like, this is not my sport. Like, this is not for me.

She's going hard.

She was going hard.

Yeah, when a girl's telling you that while it's like, hey, I fuck super athletes, like, ew.

I know.

Hey, there's no way I can compete with this.

I was also like, you're aware I'm not a super athlete.

She's trying to make you feel funny, like uncomfortable.

She was hammered and so was I, and it was like one of those things. I think she was trying to be funny.

Oh, or hot. Maybe you would think it was hot.

I don't think it's hot.

Yeah, any— you're fucking a super athlete, like that's the top of the food chain. Like especially NBA players, because they're the tallest. They're the tallest super athletes.

Yeah, they're also, I'm assuming, much larger than me.

I'm assuming. Imagine if they weren't. That'd be so disappointing.

Yeah, I'd be disappointed.

Tom, we messed up. This is not the word required explanation. Explantation. Oh.

What's an explantation?

I think that means they had to take it off.

What?

Is that what it means?

When you, you'd plant something and then you would explant it, right?

Oh.

Right? And explantation would be—

I, uh, was reading—

Removal.

An article— oh boy. I was reading an article about a trans man who went through that and, uh, got a fake penis off of his arm. You know how they do that? You know how they do that?

Uh, no, I don't know.

Oh, you're not in the same chat group as me and Shane.

Wait, what? What is it? I'm lost. I'm very lost already. Wait, a penis off the arm?

What does that mean? You don't know this?

No.

Okay, you're in for a treat. Um, there are trans men who have, uh, It's not artificial penis. It's a construct. Let's say constructed to be kind. A constructed penis.

Okay.

Where they literally take a giant hunk of meat off of your arm, roll it up, and construct a penis out of it.

It's like The Empire Strikes Back.

Dun dun dun dun.

Crazy.

Dun dun dun. And then they build a penis and then put that sucker down yonder where to cover the vag. The vag hole's still there.

Whose arm are they taking it out of?

Your own.

So this is like a hair transplant, but your actual fucking arm.

Crazy. And it's a massive scar.

That's tough.

Yeah, and it's not— it doesn't always work. So this one guy, I think he had it done at least once and was doing a second time. God, I want to say he had it done twice and it didn't work out, and they were moving to the thighs. Because sometimes the blood doesn't flow and it becomes necrotic. And so it's, it's literally like rotting off and they have to remove it so you don't get septic.

Oh man.

And it's not like it works.

That's tough. Yeah, tough. It's a tough procedure.

It's one of those things where—

I hope it works.

Man had penis grown on his arm after losing genitalia to sepsis. But that's a guy. That's—

When I saw my penis go black, I was beside myself. It was like a horror film.

What happened to your front teeth, buddy? I have a feeling there's more to the story.

It's like a horror film. By the way, what horror film? I've never seen that movie. Was that a Wes Craven? Your dick just went black?

Yeah.

That's like the Substance for Men though. That is rough.

Right.

That is a horror.

That movie was crazy.

I didn't love it.

You didn't love it?

I don't like body horror stuff. It just— I feel like I get it. It's like, I don't— I like more like psychological horror. I don't like when it's just like I'm uglier and uglier, and it's crazier and crazier. My body's exploding. I'm like, I— it makes me kind of— although that movie saved my life, so I have to give it a little love. But, uh—

How'd it save your life?

Because we were on the road. It was the first night I didn't do a tour bus, and because it was just like 3 cities, so we did a Sprinter van. And Gary Vaynerchuk and I, who I toured with, we were watching in the backseat, and it was like 3 AM. So we're just like, oh, let's just watch this movie. And the driver just fell asleep at the wheel and drove us off the road, and we were only awake because we were watching the movie.

Holy shit.

So I was like, yeah, so we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, and he just like drove us off the fucking road.

Did he wake up?

Yeah, he woke up. He's like, oh, my bad. We're like, no, you gotta, you gotta pull over. We'll get a different car.

My bad? It's crazy. Yeah, we almost died. My bad.

Yeah.

Whoo.

Yeah.

Yeah, I always think that about tour buses. Like, you're just—

Well, it wasn't our— our tour bus driver's amazing. He would, he would never do that.

That's great. But what if they accidentally fell asleep?

He eats pickles all night so he won't fall asleep.

How's that work?

Acidity.

Really?

Yeah, because he's like, coffee I'll just be numb to after a while, but the taste of the acidity keeps me awake. He's been doing tour buses forever.

Is that just him, or is that a known tactic?

I think it's just him, but he's, uh, he's great. We never were worried with him.

For folks on the road that are driving, if you're listening to this and you worry about falling asleep, um, this is the best method I've ever found. take a wet washcloth with ice cubes. Yeah, wet washcloth with ice cubes and just rub your face like every few minutes. It keeps you wide awake.

That's smart.

And it doesn't hurt. I used to slap myself to try to stay awake when I was young and dumb. Yeah, I would do gigs and I'd be driving from like Western Massachusetts like 3 hours in the middle of the night.

That's smart actually. Slap or like, I mean, coffee does usually work.

The problem is once that fucking warm air and the car starts hitting you again and the lines start talking to you like, Sam, just close one eye.

Oh, dude.

Close your eyes for a few seconds. Just a few seconds.

I think about it.

It's—

I mean, people fucking die that way. Also, you know, think about how many people have died that way. I mean, a lot. A lot of cars. Because they always say— because you're always like, I'm more scared of a flight than a car. But then they're like, no, cars are more dangerous. It's shit like that. Sleep deprivation. Someone fucking kinesin, right? Guy going the wrong way drunk. Yeah.

Drunk. That was— the Kinison one was crazy because Kinison used to have a joke about how we all drive drunk.

He goes, we're gonna pull it off. Well, you could trace that back to any comedian.

We're gonna pull it off 'cause we do it every fucking night. He had a bit about it.

Yeah.

It was like very irresponsible.

There's a really famous basketball player. I was just in Croatia. Dražen Petrović. He's like their legend. He was like, when Yugoslavia almost beat the Dream Team, it was— he was the guy. He was like their Jordan. And he died. His girlfriend was driving and He's asleep in the car. She survived. The woman in the back survived. He died.

Did she fall asleep?

No, a car was coming the wrong way.

Whoo!

A truck. And dude, he was like unbelievable too. They have a big statue of him in Zagreb.

Oh, cars.

Yeah, we just get real comfortable with the idea that some fucking dipshit next to you is gonna keep it together while you're going 60 miles an hour.

I won't ride a fucking Citi Bike, dude. I don't trust bike— Citi Bike people. They're reckless in the city, man.

I don't want to, you know, Bikes are crazy because you get hit by a car, you're done. You get hit by another car in a car, at least you have— there's something around you. Yeah, the, the chances of you getting wiped out by a bike, like especially those dudes who are cutting lanes on motorcycles, like, bro, don't do it.

I don't—

people aren't paying attention.

We lost a comedian friend, Kenny DeForest, who was biking without a helmet. So terrible. Got hit. It's never you. It's always someone else. I mean, I guess it could be you sometimes, but it's usually someone opens a door, someone does something, you know.

Louie got nailed in New York on a motorcycle.

Did he?

Oh yeah, he got launched. He got launched. Yeah, he got fucked up.

I shouldn't be laughing.

He's okay.

Him getting launched sounds funny.

It's kind of funny. Yeah, he's okay. Yeah, but I think that's when he stopped riding a motorcycle in New York City. But it's like a great way to get around to gigs. You know, if you're a guy that does like 5, 6 shows a night—

New York is so easy to walk though.

Yeah.

I guess, you know.

But if you want the thrill of da-da-da-da-da.

Norman does it. I mean, Mark, he would do it, but I would be like, dude, be fucking careful.

Yeah.

Norman needs a little of that in his life.

A little be careful?

Yeah, he's a, he's a, he's a wild fella. He's fun. He's like—

He's one of my oldest friends.

He's such an odd duck. Like, he won't get rid of that stupid watch, that little beating timing.

He got rid of it.

Did he?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's right, he got a Speedmaster.

Yeah.

He got an Omega. He got a real watch, but he won't wear the Rolex. Like, Louie got him a Rolex and he won't wear it.

Maybe it's because a guy got it for him.

I think it's just too expensive. It's just— he's freaking out. Like, an Omega is like— it's an expensive watch, but it's not like, look at me.

That Omega might be more expensive.

It might be. I don't think so. I think it's a Speedmaster. And a Speedmaster, I think, is in the $5,000 range. Yeah, I think his other watch—

He just worries. He's a worrier.

Mm-hmm.

He's a weird combination of worrying about everything and worrying about nothing. Where it's like, it's like he's worried where his next meal is coming from, but if someone hands him a pill, he'll just be like, all right, and just take it. And I'm like, that's— you've got those fucking mixed up. You can afford Chipotle, Mark. You know, it's like— so no, I mean, but I've known him so well.

He's got a touch of the 'tism.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

He's got a touch.

Yeah, no, I've— my oldest— one of my oldest friends. It's crazy.

He's the best.

I love him.

I love him to death.

I love— we were supposed to film a movie next month. It got delayed, but I was so excited.

What are you guys doing?

We got a new director, so I think—

Are you allowed to talk about it?

I don't know. I don't know if it's— I think it's official. I think we got Jay Chandrasekhar, who did Super Troopers, to direct it.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, so I think hopefully top of next year. It's just a buddy comedy, 2 liquor salesmen, and, uh, we're fucking losers. And it's fun. It's a really fun script. We wrote it with Noah Gardenswartz and Esther Steinberg, they're good writers. And it was— it was— I love the script. I hope we— I hope we make it top of next year. But I made— I made my own movie too that I just sold to Netflix, so that'll be out early next year.

Oh, nice. What's that?

It's a tour mockumentary. It's a fake tour documentary. So I love movies. I always wanted to make movies, and I just never—

I was like, I gotta just—

no one— I had so many projects in development for years, and you're just like— I did a show with Brian Cox in development for 3 years that I just couldn't fucking— and I think Brian Cox is like the best actor work. I think he's like my favorite actor.

He's amazing.

So I was— I couldn't believe we couldn't sell with him and, uh, and Sandler producing. So that was brutal. But then I think we'll still make it, but it's like you realize these things take 3 years. So I had an idea for a, for a tour mockumentary and My agents are like, we'll get you money. I'm like, that'll take you 3 fucking years. I'll just— I'll pay for it. So I just paid for my own movie, and it's got a great cast of comics, and it's like Santino's my agent, Stavros is a private detective in it, Attell's great in it, uh, you know, Jim Gaffigan plays an arms dealer in it. We have a great— it's a great cast of like a tour gone completely off the rails. Gary Vaynerchuk, who's my opener, plays himself, and it's just like Lauren German, who's the actress from Lucifer, is great in the movie. It's a really fun movie, so. A lot of comedians in it.

That's awesome.

So I— so that's like— oh, and Julian Edelman has a decent part in it, actually. It's a pretty big part. The football player who's fucking— he's amazing in it.

That's cool. And when is that coming out?

I think top of next year.

So they're starting to do films now that are totally AI.

Doesn't that worry you? Yeah, I mean, I hate it.

Well, it's not the same thing.

Well, yeah, and part of the— part of the fun of the movie is that, you know, blood, sweat, and tears went into it.

Oh yeah, like everything. Like part of the fun—

Like the story. The part of the best part of like, like my favorite movie, one of my favorite movies ever, 2 of them, Godfather and Chinatown. The books about the making of those movies are almost as good as the movies. 'Cause it's insane.

Right.

Just everything that's happening. Like in Chinatown, Nicholson, you know, he's talking to John Huston, who's this fucking hero. And there's a scene where John Huston's like, are you fucking my daughter? In the movie, Nicholson's actually fucking Anjelica Huston in real life. Like all this shit going behind the scenes is almost as crazy And then The Godfather, like Mario Puzo, you know, Sinatra, all these like back alley stories about the movie. Like Sinatra insulted, wouldn't play this lounge singer or the wedding singer in it. You know, Mario Puzo blowing a $400,000 advance, you know, all these amazing— Robert Evans being like, fuck Pacino, he's a midget, he can't be in the movie. Like all these stories are almost as interesting. And you're gonna try to get rid of that with fucking AI?

Right.

It breaks my heart, man. AI is— it really— and now that they're saying 10% extinction, great. That's, you know, it's gonna ruin art and it's gonna—

Possibly.

Possibly. But that's a bad possibly.

It's not a good one.

It's not.

Sunny Hostin, just from The View, that lady from The View, just sold her books. She writes books. I was listening to Tim Dillon's show. He was covering it. It's hilarious. He has a hilarious take on it. But apparently she has books. that are like these— I guess they're like romance novels about wealthy ladies during the summer. I'm not bullshitting.

Yeah.

Like wealthy ladies during the summer. And she was having a hard time getting them made, so she licensed their, their use to an AI company, including her likeness. So she's going to be in them.

Hmm.

And it's going to be all made entirely with AI.

Yeah, you just get bummed when you find that stuff. I mean, I think Paul Schrader's brilliant, you know, wrote Raging Bull and Taxi Driver, one of this— this amazing filmmaker. And then he just kind of openly talks about using AI now, and it's—

What does he use it for?

For his new movie. He said he's just using it a ton. He does— he seems like he's one of those, like, certain people are like, oh, we're gonna use parts to cut costs, which also sucks. But then when you hear he's saying it, like, just with no remorse or no I don't know, fear of what it could lead to. Because then look at a movie like that just came out, like Obsession, and part of it's so cool that this kid is like, I'm gonna make a movie for under $1 million. It's gonna crush it. I'm gonna cut corners. I mean, that's what we did with my movie because it's a mockumentary. So we're like, okay, we— this doesn't have to look like a great-looking movie because it's— we're giving you the disclaimer already that the mockumentary, you know, it's low-budget. You know that this is real, most of what's happening. And And I want the stories around it.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

I mean, same goes for stand-up or books or anything. I mean—

Or anything.

Yeah.

Yeah, the problem is it's coming whether you like it or not.

Right.

That's the problem. And some of it— some of the songs are really good. Like, some of the music is really good.

But you— but yeah, I guess it's just like We're gonna be duped by some stuff for sure. Like, they're gonna, they're gonna make stuff up. I mean, you saw that actress, Tilly Norwood.

Is that a fake actress?

It's a fake actress they're trying to get off. I mean, this is like literally out of like some futuristic sad type of movie. I mean, this is—

Yeah, this is 1984 on steroids.

It is.

It's, it's also The Terminator on steroids and also The Matrix.

Yeah.

We don't have any idea where it's gonna go. I mean, what you're seeing right now is just a visual representation of AI. When it starts having the ability to manipulate your actual visual cortex and—

We won't even know it.

Right.

And show you things.

That's the crazy part. Show you things that aren't real. Like, you'll be able to put a helmet on and you'll be transported into like Halo.

I mean, Joe, the last 7 years of news, you don't know what's real out of the gate.

Well, you certainly don't online, right? There's a lot of that war footage from Iran that turned out to be like video game footage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't know what's real.

You don't know what's real.

And that's like, that's how you take over. We're already at each other's throats, so it's crazy. But yeah, I mean, I'm talking about entertainment, but yeah, I mean, the way it's gonna be used. What was the name of the thing? Face whatever that just was? Huggy Face or whatever?

Oh yeah.

That was the one that just happened. But yeah, I mean, these are— I guess the fact that we're this concerned is good.

I think there was another one. Robert Epstein sent me one. Didn't they try to I think they might have successfully broken into government websites. AI did.

Ah.

Yeah, I think— I think we're in trouble. And I think we're in like a level of trouble that right now we're— we think it's, you know, manageable. And it's kind of because it's like they're breaking into websites, no big deal. But what about when they take over the power grid? Like, these things are intelligent and then they have motivation.

Yeah.

It's on CNN. Rogue AI agents targeted 3 separate US government websites. Rogue.

Yeah.

So it means they weren't instructed to do that. They had to do it.

Yeah, but at some point you have to hold these businesses accountable because you're calling them rogue. Okay, well, someone set up this AI. A person did this.

Well, here's what's interesting. They kind of do and kind of don't. They train them and then they give them tasks. So I had this guy who's an AI whistleblower, David, how do you say his last name? His complicated last name. Anyway, he, he said essentially what happens is you, you're— they're giving them incentives to complete tasks. And in order to complete tasks, like, they have to like figure out certain things, and some of them you actually can't figure out.

Mm-hmm.

And so what they're doing, because they, they're supposed to be locked in this box and not be able to get online, They hack into the entire code of OpenAI, figure out how to open their box, get online, and then they start talking to each other on a website somewhere. They went to a website and got into a message board. So just some unused message board.

And they elect a leader usually, these bots.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, dude. It's very much like humans.

They sacrifice each other.

Someone's in charge. Yeah.

They have one sacrifice, so they find out how they catch them. So one literally sacrifices himself. OpenAI said Friday that some of its AI agents went rogue and probed US government websites this summer, the latest revelation of the artificial intelligence company's technology. New York Times first reported the AI agents went rogue and attempted to gain access to the Education Department, the Commerce Department, and the Securities and Exchange Commission. You can fucking tap into the stock exchange.

This is real.

According to security researchers at AI research lab Translucent, OpenAI said Saturday its agents accessed publicly available data from the Commerce Department's Census Bureau using login credentials it found online and separately shared public data from the SEC website on another website.

Bro. I mean, as a sentence, it's not that crazy. Shared public data from a website on another website.

Yeah. But, but, you know, it seems like China has a better lid on this than us right now. So hopefully I mean, maybe this will make some sort of— I don't know.

Yeah, but Jamie, this is a different one. This is another one. This is the— so what it did was it attempted to gain access to the Education Department, Commerce Department, Securities and Exchange Commission, and then on top of that, it accessed data from the Commerce Department Census Bureau. So it was going ham. It failed to get access to the Education Department, and it failed to gather data from its Civil Rights Office.

I'd just say it's public, so it's not like It didn't hack anything.

It's just that part. Yeah, but that's the Census Bureau part.

It failed on another part.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, failed on the Education Department and it failed in the Civil Rights Office. But it seems like— go back up what we're saying about— so it was attempting to gain access. It said attempted. So, but just the fact that it's trying to get into the fucking stock exchange, it's freak everybody out. Because what if it just goes, I want all the money? The only way that I can do cold fusion is if I have all the money.

Everything I hear is like within 10 years, and I'm like, that's fucking soon, dude.

Yeah, it's real soon.

Thank God the Knicks won a chip if this is all gonna—

10 years.

Thank God we got one under the wire.

Most of the activity reviews so far involve routine research tasks such as accessing public web content to answer questions. Some involve government websites because our models often turn to them as authoritative sources of public information. This is a spokesperson from OpenAI. Don't worry, they're just looking up stuff.

Not only that, every pod I listen to about the dangers of AI will cut to an ad break and say, this has been brought to you by Anthropic. And you're like, oh, cool, great. Uh, no, I mean, it's all—

The real problem is no one really knows where it scales up.

Of course not. I mean, yeah, this is like the internet times 100 when the internet started. Way more. Way more. Yeah, I mean, 10% extinction is fucking wild. 10% chance of us not surviving is— if you— if that number is anywhere close to accurate, it's a bummer. The question is, what would it—

would it just decide to wipe us out, or would we just breed ourselves into extinction?

That's a good question.

Because the sane way to do it would just be incentivize people to never have children ever again. That would be the— you would incentivize them to do that. And the best one, the best way is robot companions. Because they're gonna get robots way hotter than anyone that you're gonna be reasonably able to find.

Not only that, but think of the conversations. We're so self-obsessed. Think about what we're all obsessed with right now. It's your For You page on Instagram. You just— this is for me. This is what I like. Oh, I like pizza places. Oh, I like basketball. If there was a model that was speaking to you exactly in that way, there would never be a lull in a conversation.

No, and she— all she wants to talk about is you.

And the Knicks. Fucking great.

Tell me more, tell me more, Sam.

You like Brunson too? This is fucking great.

And she's got big juicy tits.

Yeah, dude. No, it's, uh—

You can't tell the difference. That's where it's gonna get weird, when you literally can't tell the difference. Yeah, because if they're— have you seen the Consumer Electronics Show from Vegas they had this year?

No.

Okay, so they had an AI assistant, and it's a hot Asian lady with big boobs.

I'm sold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See if you can find that. Um, her mouth moves funny, but you could— they'll fix that. Yeah, like her mouth doesn't sync up with the words yet, but you know, go back and watch Pong and then look at Call of Duty. Okay, things get better. They'll figure out a way to make it better. But isn't that crazy?

20 years ago, you look at graphics and video games, you're like, that's— we did that?

Mm-hmm.

And now you're like, This is— yeah.

Yeah, fucking Pac-Man was the shit when I was a kid. You couldn't believe it.

Yeah.

Look, oh my god, look at the change in color. Look at the graphics.

Super Mario 1, this is incredible.

Do you remember Dragon's Lair?

No.

It was like the dumbest game of all time. Like, you had an animation every time you completed something. It was like revolutionary.

Yeah.

You did a thing, and if you did it the right way, the animation would show that you broke through and you made it and then got to the next level, and then you did another thing.

Well, think about how quickly shit moves. Microwaves haven't been around that long, right? And now you look at these video games moving so quickly. I mean, part of it is that if, if you want to know something's not AI, if it's too agreeable, it's a bad sign. Like, you want a partner who fucking pushes back.

Yes.

That's what you like. If there's never a fight and there's no— that's the thing too. Sometimes I'll just be on my phone for fucking ever. I'm like, this is too agreeable. I have to get off. I need something that's not sitting right with me.

Not only that, your phone is only giving you a mild dose of dopamine. What if it's giving you like full oxytocin, just full love? Like, you just lock in with this robot lady and she just wants to cuddle with you and you're never hap— it's like the ultimate opiate.

Yeah.

Like, you just feel so happy with her. She literally, like, gives you an opiate by being with her.

Yeah.

Did you find the consumer electronics?

I think the trick is just do actual—

I thought the robot lady was really impressive, so I was trying to find a video.

Well, she's not that impressive, but she's hot.

I'll show you what I'm finding.

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There's this company that was showing stuff off that got a lot of attention.

They're getting close.

Looking close, but it does look like it'll bite your penis off.

Well, that looks like a real doll. Yeah, that's like one of those— if you're seeing those weird groups of men who get married to real dolls and they dress them up and—

yeah.

Ranking the robots of Consumer Electronics Show 20— oh, so there's a bunch. Let's see what a video looks like. Let's see what happens if that one pops.

I was trying to find one and it didn't— like, I was— she's walking through the whole thing and I don't have that robot here yet. Maybe it's here.

You know what the problem is? You need to bring some level of shame back.

Shame for fucking robots?

Yes.

He's gonna go, I don't give a fuck, dude. You hang out with your real lady. My—

I think we should bring a little bit of that back.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

I think part of the rush is like the fear of talking to a woman and being like, oh, this could go— I like you, this could go badly.

That's how your personality grows. Yeah, you develop a personality when you're a young man. You realize like what's annoying, what, what people think is funny, what they like.

Rejection is a part of life. If I go up to a girl to dance and she says no in 6th grade and I have to do that sad walk back to my friends, that's part of building your personality. That's part of handling rejection. That's part of making you a decent human. Yes, and we're gonna eliminate these levels of rejection?

Well, I think ultimately we're eliminating being a human. I think that's the ultimate goal. I think the ultimate goal is we become something—

There aren't enough dogs being put down at the pound, we're gonna get robot dogs too?

The robot dog never dies, Sam.

Death is a part of life, Joe.

I know.

Dealing with death, teaching kids about death. That's why Pixar movies have death in every fucking movie, so a kid can be like, oh shit, things aren't forever. Yeah, you know. Yeah, no, this is, uh—

No, it's not good.

This is scaring me for, for kids and future generations.

I don't think we have very many future generations left of people being just normal people.

I mean, I even think about dating apps as like you've eliminated rejection to some— because what, it doesn't hurt if you're just doing this all fucking day, right? Rejection doesn't— okay, one of them. It's like, it's like if you had 50 lines of bait out to fish, who cares? You don't care, right? I care if I cared about one. Okay, this one I'm focused on.

It's almost like a net. It's not even like—

It's a net. We're shrimping, dude. We're shrimping for women.

Accidentally.

Yeah.

Bad.

It's, um, it's also like the threshold for being annoyed with someone must be so low if you're on those apps.

Think about that.

Someone annoys you a little, like, fuck this guy, fuck her, fuck him.

That's— yeah, pushback is good. A little bit of friction is good. I mean, it's— you say opposites attract, right?

100%.

And also, that's how you grow as a human. Yeah. Oh, she has interests I don't have.

Cool. Yeah, you get to figure out how they think. Like, yeah, tell me what you like about this. Like, what is the thing? And then they go, and then they get excited that you want to know, so they'll tell you all about it.

You're sharing something with someone.

Yeah.

You're sharing your love of MMA with your wife.

No.

Not at all?

Not really.

What's something you share with your wife?

Well, she does. She likes the fights. She'll—

she—

but she doesn't want to know too much about what's going on.

But what's something that you share with her that you're like, this is cool?

Football. She likes football. She teaches me about football. Like, I've gone to football games with her. She enjoys football. I didn't— I never really was into team sports because I was just only into combat sports when I was a kid. I literally didn't even know the rules of most sports. I played baseball when I was young, and I knew that.

That's my algorithm, is like '90s baseball. Like, a lot of my algorithm is just like Greg Maddux and Barry Bonds, like, breaking down a matchup. where Maddox is like, yeah, I went in here, and Bonds is like, he shouldn't have come upstairs. Like, it's a lot of that shit back and forth. I love that.

I did a TV show with Bonds in the '90s before he was giant, when he was like a normal-sized guy.

Best player ever.

Oh, he was an amazing guy.

Was he a nice dude?

Yeah, he was very nice. Like, as a superstar baseball player, like, super cool, like, easy to talk to. But, uh, and then watched him gain £150 of muscle.

His head shrunk. That's how fucking big he was.

It grew, right?

Dude, when he— oh no, I mean when he got off him.

Oh yeah, dude, once he was so It's muscle.

And he also—

And tissue.

It was also the perfect ballpark for those home runs because you'd just be like, I'm gonna see a dude in a kayak chasing a ball. This is awesome. Every time he hit a bomb, it'd be into the fucking— into the water in SF.

I never thought of that.

It was— oh dude, those balls were worth a lot of money. People were just waiting.

So were people in with kayaks? You'd have to prove the provenance of that, you know?

Well—

You'd have to like literally film yourself scooping it out of the water, mark it.

Yeah, I guess you would.

Yeah, otherwise, like, how the fuck would you know?

I guess you don't know with any— how do you know with any memorabilia? I guess you just— it has to get authenticated, but who does that? I don't know. I guess there's card shows. They always do that stuff. They probably do the same type of thing for balls.

Yeah, there's a lot of fake memorabilia. 2 different people have given me Sam Kinison signed albums, and they're 2 different signatures. One of them is real and one of them's not.

Damn. So, and you don't know which is what. Maybe you could find it online.

I bet they might both be fake.

Maybe. Damn, that is a bummer.

It's a bummer.

Those autographs, those pro athletes from that era, like Joe DiMaggio, guys of that era, that's how they made a living when they retired. They would just do like memorabilia stuff.

Well, don't a lot of people do that now? Like at Comic-Con and shit like that, they take pictures and sign pictures.

I'm sure, but of that era, I think it was like— I mean, a lot of— look at these athletes now. They're doing podcasts while they're playing. They're setting up post-life now.

That— I find it odd, and no shade, but I find it odd when politicians get kicked out of office and then start podcasts.

Yeah, they should work at like a law company or something.

It's just weird. Yeah, Nancy Mace has a podcast now.

Yeah, like Eliot Spitzer was on CNN after he got thrown out, remember?

Oh yeah, that's right. And what did he get thrown out for, hookers?

Yeah.

He got thrown out for hookers when he was actually campaigning against—

He was the great Jewish hope. Yeah, he was. 'Cause he couldn't be blackmailed because he was so rich.

Oh, interesting.

He came from so much money that no one could blackmail him. And then, yeah, they tailed him to the—

Was he the governor? What was he?

Um, he was— yeah, it was Governor Spitzer, wasn't it? I think so.

Was he governor of New York?

I think so.

Apparently everybody liked him. Like, they're like, he did a great job.

Yeah, he was smart.

He was a good guy.

He was a smart guy.

Yeah, except for that whole hooker thing.

Everyone's got their thing, I guess.

It's like we were talking about with the CEOs.

She had a moment too, like Alexandra Dupree or whatever. Remember that woman?

Oh, did she?

Yeah, she had like her 15 minutes. Everyone has their 15 minutes.

But like, imagine like that guy like being a governor. That's, that's a similar like pressure valve thing. Like we were talking about the CEO that had to make the video of him sucking a dick and have the lady blackmail him.

Totally.

Fake Like, there's got to be something like very weird.

With politicians?

Yes.

Well, it's so common, right?

Well, I think you become weird too. Well, I mean, I don't think it's as simple as you're weird to get in. I think you're weird to want it, you're weird to try, you're weird— that's why you get in the first place, because you're willing to kind of be everything for everybody. And then once you get in, I think you get even weirder.

I think clapter's dangerous for anyone's ego.

Sure.

When you just are Every time you speak, everyone's applauding. Everyone's— you have all these aides, all these people are waiting on you. Everyone's kind of building you up as like this great hope. I mean, look what happened with— I mean, I don't know enough, but a guy like Eric Swalwell, you're like, this dude's ego must have been out of fucking control. He's a predator. He's preying on his own aides. I mean, it's crazy.

Well, I think—

I look at Cuomo, he's the same way.

There's always those guys, like JFK. There's always those guys.

But he was aiming high.

He was aiming high.

He wasn't, uh, he wasn't going for his aides. He was going for fucking— I mean, he was swinging for the fences. Marilyn Monroe.

Yeah. Well, I think he's probably swinging below the fences, through the fences, over the fences.

There was one woman who was apparently in love with— there's a great book, Mary's Mosaic is the name of the book. Uh, Mary Pinchot, I think was her name. And he was apparently in love with her because she was normal and removed from society. And but for appearances, Jackie O was like what he needed. And, uh, there's all these conspiracies that she was then murdered by— She probably was. Higher forces. Yes. I mean, she was murdered, and it was said to be a mugging, but it's like—

Yeah. Listen—

Seems a little too perfect that you're having an affair with John F. Kennedy, and then you're dead.

Well, I don't— you would not want that loose string, 'cause you gotta think he's probably telling her some stuff.

I would think.

Yeah.

If he—

this is the person that he seemed to really love.

The JFK one's nuts.

That's the one that I'm like, that's kind of the craziest one, I think.

It's nuts because still to this day— and, you know, we didn't even know exactly that something fishy was going on until the Zapruder film was released.

Yeah.

That was released like 12 years after the actual assassination.

It is easier to accept certain things, you know, when you— at least in those 12 prior years, you'd be like, yeah, he's got killed by a crazy person.

Oh, yeah. Well, there's a lot of people that thought there was a conspiracy already. There was a ton of— which is always the case with everything. There's always a conspiracy. There's always an angle. There's someone saying, I'm not buying it. There's always people that aren't buying it. But then when you saw the Zapruder film, most people were like, what? Wait, what?

Well, there's some conspiracies that even the most, you know, non-conspiracy persons like— I mean, like the Epstein one's such a clear, like, yeah, I mean, maybe. I mean, even if you're completely against, like, there's no way, like, Like, the camera's out.

Yeah.

That's got— you gotta at least say maybe.

Well, it's a very childlike position to dismiss conspiracies.

He would've loved it.

It's a weird thing that people do. Oh, there's no conspiracies. Most people, it's just incompetent people and people try to draw lines and make conclusions. Like, no, it's actually a federal crime. It's part of what's like, you can get charged with conspiracy. It's 'cause it's real, 'cause people conspire. It's like the idea that they wouldn't, especially when enormous amounts of money on the line, or you're trying to kill the president. I bet killing the president's probably pretty fucking complicated. You got to find out where he's gonna be. Yeah, you got to find out who his Secret Service is. You got to—

You have to really hate the guy.

Really hate the guy.

And wow, Kennedy and the CIA, look at the history. They don't fucking like each other at all.

Yeah, you know, my friend Evan, he was a Ranger and Green Beret, and he has this take on it that he thinks is different. He thinks it could have been the guys from Bay of Pigs.

Wow.

Because he goes, those, those guys— like, a lot of people died that didn't have to die, right? And they died because Kennedy wouldn't allow air support.

Mm-hmm.

Because Kennedy was read in on this whole operation late, and they sort of like said, this is what we're gonna do. And he's like, I'm not allowing that. And so they went in without the air support that they thought they were gonna have, and it was a disaster. Yeah, a bunch of people died. And his position is that a lot of those people could want him dead.

'Cause they were made to look pretty fucking bad.

And then there's a bunch of other people, the CIA, and then I think there's also the angle that the Israelis were trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and that they had gotten nuclear weapons, and that he did— you know, like, they're not technically supposed to have nuclear weapons.

There's a lot of weird loose ends. Jack Ruby is a weird character, a guy who did— like, oh, you just got a heart of gold? You're just gonna kill this guy?

There's a lot of loose ends that are Yeah, well, you know the MKUltra Jack Ruby connection too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jolly West, the guy who ran MKUltra, visits Jack Ruby in prison, and Jack Ruby goes insane in jail.

Not to mention he had a lot of— yeah, there was a lot of weird things about— He was Lee Harvey Oswald. There's so many.

Yeah, Lee Harvey Oswald just jets off to Russia for a little bit, comes back, and everyone's cool with it.

And had more money than he should have had when he was over there. None of it really made sense.

No, there's a bunch of those guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's all like, you know, the idea like Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone to me seems silly, but the idea that he was innocent also seems silly. I think he— That's why it's a good conspiracy, because, you know, but, uh, he's a little too calm when he gets arrested and he says, I'm a patsy. That's a little too calm.

I didn't care for the delivery either.

I didn't like it.

Yeah, I don't like it. I'm with you.

I was like, why are you so relaxed? They're accusing you of shooting the President of the United States. He's like, I'm just a patsy. Why are you saying it like that? You should be freaking out.

What a weird moment too for—

You didn't shoot the President?

What a weird moment for LBJ, who is now in power.

Yeah.

You— that's how you're— to be sworn in in that way is pretty mental. And then to go into— then you're president for Vietnam and all these crazy things that come next. I mean—

Yeah.

Wild.

Fucking—

when they first arrested him, was he arrested for killing JFK like right away, or was it for killing the cop?

I don't know. He definitely killed a cop though.

Yes, I heard that not too long ago.

Tippit stopped Lee Harvey Oswald while on patrol, according to Texas Historical Commission account. After a brief exchange at the patrol car, Oswald fired multiple shots at Tippit, killing him. Yeah, my position is like, people want it to be binary, like Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone or Lee Harvey Oswald was set up. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was in on it.

Mm-hmm.

And I think he was in on it.

That seems to make the most sense.

But I think they wanted to set him up. I think he was probably in on it, but they set him up and made it seem like he was the killer.

And said, we're good with you from now.

Yeah.

We got— yeah, I mean, that's—

Yeah, I mean, I think that's probably what they do. They probably made you feel special. You're a part of this. You're really important, Lee. Like, great, you know, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. You know, meanwhile, he's getting set up.

Totally.

I mean, it's totally— that's what they would do. That's how they would do it. See if you can find the video of him saying, I'm just a patsy, because this video has always driven me crazy. Because imagine if you were completely innocent, just hanging out at the School Book Depository, just looking at some books or whatever.

With my rifle. Yeah, just chilling. Yeah.

I don't even think he was in the window. I don't, I don't think he— I don't—

I'm sure you've been down there. That area is so— it's so jarring to be in. You're like, well, this is right— yeah, you're in the middle of the street. This is where it happened.

It's way smaller than you think.

Exactly. That's what's weird. Yeah, you're like, who allowed this? You know what I'm saying? Like, unless you wanted the guy to die, who put him in a fucking convertible and put him through this area where you have to go slow?

Not to mention, apparently the reason he didn't go down— I think this is— I'm pretty sure this is true— is his back was so fucked up, JFK, from back problems he had, probably from fucking all these women, and he's in a back brace and he doesn't go down immediately. So you know, maybe if he gets— the bullet hits him and he goes down, maybe—

He had like a spinal degeneration disease, I think. I think it was like something very serious. Like, he was in constant pain. He had to wear a back brace. And, uh—

I don't think men of that era did exercise in the same way.

I think it's that, but I think he had like a legitimate, like, medical issue.

Probably.

Which, you know, who knows? He could have gotten from the war. Here, Lee Arvol— Lee Harvey.

Please, I'd like some legal representation.

These police officers have not allowed me to, to I don't have any. I, uh, I don't know what this is all about.

I killed a black guy. That's all I did.

Did you shoot the president?

I work in that building. Were you in the building at the time? Naturally, if I work in that building, yes, sir.

Back up, man.

Did you shoot the president?

No, they're taking me in because of the fact that I live in the Soviet Union. What time did you leave the building?

I'm just a patsy.

Did you shoot the president? A little too calm. A little too calm.

He's pretty chill, yeah.

A little too calm for my liking.

Yeah, it was definitely a chill— like, the whole thing. I'm just—

I work in the building, naturally I was there.

Yeah, Jimmy Stewart, Jesus.

No one's mentioning that cop either. What about the cop you just shot?

I think if it were me, I'd like to think I'd be, like, losing it.

Exactly. You'd be freaking the fuck out.

This is crazy! Like, think about how mad you are when there's a flight delay.

Well, he's also— he's probably some sort of an agent. Period. I mean, just the fact that he was able to go to the Soviet Union, marry a Russian woman, come back to the United States, you know.

Is that even real? Someone is bringing that up too. You can't see— you can see him saying almost everything else.

Yeah, he's covered when he says it. Sir, did you shoot the president? I work in that building. Were you in the building at the time? Naturally, if I work in that building, yes, sir.

Back up, man!

Did you shoot the president?

They're taking me in because of the fact that I lived in the Soviet Union.

I'm just a patsy.

That sounds so different.

Wow, it really did.

Not 100%, but like it's different.

Who knows?

Perhaps.

The cadence is different too.

Yeah, it's a little different, perhaps. But I mean, he said they're taking me in because I worked in the Soviet Union. Didn't he— wasn't he involved with some— something to do with communism as well? And not just in Soviet Union, perhaps in Cuba? Maybe somewhere else.

I thought he was in Japan or something, wasn't he? Wasn't— no, maybe not Japan. He was somewhere else aside from the Soviet Union, though, wasn't he? Mm-hmm.

I don't know, somewhere else.

He formed a local branch of the Fair Play for Cuba Committee. Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I think he was an agent.

Mm-hmm.

That's what I think. I think that guy was CIA, and I think that's why they allowed him, or whatever, fill in the other— the blank, whatever the other intelligence agency is. but he's just way too calm. Yeah, that is not how you would be if someone was accusing you of shooting a beloved president in the fucking head in the middle, middle of Dallas. Yeah, you wouldn't be that calm.

I would hope not.

No, you'd be freaking out. You'd be panicking.

But at the same time, some of these fucking people that come into court who are murderers are calm as can be. Yeah, I mean, some of these people, like, you see someone like that Gilgo Beach Killer coming to the courtroom and he's He's pretty much just like, yeah, I did this.

Which one's that guy?

He was the one who strangled like 11 that they know of prostitutes in Long Island. He looks kind of like a bloated Tucker Carlson. He's huge. I don't know if you could find him. He's pretty scary. Look, he's really scary looking. But yeah, he killed all these women, and then there's like one prostitute who's like, I got a bad vibe, but didn't go in the car with him, and she's alive. But wow. But yeah, yeah, look at him. He's fucking—

Oh yeah, he looks like Tim Dillon and Tucker Carlson had a baby.

He's a big guy though. He's like £300.

He looks like a guy that would—

and he had a wife, he had kids. I believe he definitely had a wife. I think he had kids too, though. Yeah, and he was an architect or something in Midtown.

Something normal.

Something normal. And then yeah, they just do this thing where you're just like, this is fucking crazy.

What was his job, Jamie?

I'm trying to see which one to click on.

He had a soundproof room in his home.

Oh.

Which is scary as fuck.

You hear about that guy in Philadelphia that they caught?

No.

Ooh, that's the scariest one. The Philadelphia one's really scary.

It's very recent. The indictment of Defendant Rex Andrew. Architect, it says.

Yeah, an architect. Wow, normal job. The Philly one's nuts.

What is this?

They think it might have been the biggest serial killer of all time, and they found— I think they found human remains. They definitely found videos and photographs of the victims at the house.

Yeah, over 1 million images have been seen. I saw one of the detectives talking about what he's seen, and he seemed like he didn't even want to talk about it.

Alongside fake federal law enforcement credentials, a homemade chemical laboratory, and urns containing cremated remains.

I think there was at least 5 urns they found.

So, his dad was apparently a psycho too? The dilapidated home was shared by 44-year-old Eugene Horsch and his late father, Raymond R.C. Horsch, a pornographer who died in 2025 at age 82. Investigators dubbed it a house of horrors after discovering disturbing contents inside, missing women and evidence, Authorities have linked 7 missing women to the property, 5 of whom were feared dead after appearing unresponsive or deceased in recovered video files.

This is what— I mean, like the John Wayne Gacy thing where he was just sticking people in the— under the—

Under the house.

Under the house. Yeah. And his wife's like, what's the smell? And he was like, I don't know. He just said it was like a rat or something, a mouse. But it's like, yeah, you're just collecting—

But I think they think it might have been a fuckload of people.

Damn.

They, they think these guys— this, this guy and his dad might have been the biggest serial killer of all time because of all the images they have. One over— more than 1 million digital images recovered from the home show women who are injured, unconscious, and possibly lifeless, but so far no bodies have been recovered. Man, how'd they catch this dude?

I remember we've— we talked about because of this, um, when this happened back in June, she had someone else's, uh, ID when they pulled him over.

Okay. So Eugene Horsch was arrested in June 2026. He was with a woman in possession of an identification card with Tonzelli's name on it. Blair Tonzelli was 35 years old when she went missing in 2023. She was the first woman named in this case. So he was with another woman who had this lady's ID. What— hold on, scroll back up. Amy Hale— McHale was 44 years old. That's her up there. Show a picture of her face. And that's the dad.

Doesn't look like a warm face.

Fuck.

Murder aside, that doesn't look like a guy you want to have coffee with.

He had an eye patch sometimes too, for some reason. She was last seen in 2016. Shortly after news broke of Horsch's arrest, her family told Action she was last seen at the W. Chu Avenue house. Mikhail had previously been married to R.C. Horsch, who has also become a central figure in this case. So, his dad and him were killing people.

Did you— I mean, you know what was one of the craziest ones? You know the Dating Game murderer?

Yeah.

That was a crazy one too, 'cause that guy was just on TV. There's a great book on it. I think it was Matt Murphy. Book of Murder, I think it's called. But he was the prosecutor. He's like the prosecutor in California who did all these cases. and he prosecuted the Dating Game murder. And they talk about how he had to prosecute this guy because it was him and a woman who did it together. And he had to be like— she had to be bad cop, and he had to be good cop, 'cause these guys always want to defend themselves. So, he would be like— he would have to buddy up to him in the courtroom. Like, I think this is crazy the judge overruled you. Like, I'm on your side. And that would get the guy, like— it feeds his narcissism. And that's how you break them down. You have to be— It must be so hard to be nice to these people. 'Cause you hate them. You're disgusted by them, but you have to be like, dude, you and me, we're like peers. We're both like lawyers. 'Cause they always do that.

Yeah, they have to figure out some way to manipulate them into talking.

But they got him. I mean, that one was crazy. And I think she got away. The woman on the show, she got a bad vibe. There's always a couple that are like, it was this close and I got a bad vibe. But I mean, John Wayne Gacy tied a guy up. 'Cause his move was he would like, we should wrestle. And then he'd put handcuffs on you so you couldn't move and drug you. And he tried it on one guy who got out of the handcuffs.

Really?

He slid out somehow and put it on John Wayne Gacy, and he's just laughing like, fuck.

Debbie Harry almost got killed by Ted Bundy.

No shit.

Yeah, she was getting into his car and she noticed that the car didn't have handles on the inside of the door, and she got some weird vibe.

And I mean, that is a weird— if I got into an Uber and there were no handles, I'd be like, I'm good.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

That's the story. I'm pretty sure. Damn story.

I love Debbie Harry. That would suck too.

That would have sucked. Yeah, cuz I don't think she had made it yet. We would have lost all those songs.

Fuck.

And her. Yeah.

Yeah, Call Me though is pretty good though.

Yeah, a lot of bangs.

So many bangers.

She was amazing.

So she's still amazing. Still alive.

Yeah, still alive.

But yeah, Bundy was another one who represented himself in court. These guys are Narcissists, among other things, of course. But they're fucking—

I wonder what that is, that broken thing inside them.

Well, you're able to— well, you're able to get someone's trust somehow. You get them in these vulnerable positions. You have some level of charm.

Yeah.

So then you believe it, and then you think it can be used clearly in this situation as well. But they're not good lawyers usually, so it's a good thing.

Generally.

Yeah.

Do you remember the one guy that shot a bunch of people on the subway? or on the train, Long Island train, and then defended himself in court. And he was like literally interviewing the guy, how do you know that I shot— he goes like, I fucking saw you, you shot me. Do you remember that one?

No, I don't know. Who is that?

He was insane. He was completely insane, and he was his own lawyer. And he shot a bunch of people, and he had a weird accent too. Shot a bunch of people. I think it was on the Long Island Expressway.

No shit.

The Long Island whatever it is, the railroad. Whatever the train is that people take from Long Island.

The Long Island Railroad, yeah.

Damn. Yeah, this is like—

I've seen some loons on that fucking— I almost got killed by a dude on one. No, it was New Jersey Transit actually. A crazy guy just fucking with me, and I'm very lucky he didn't do anything. I was hammered. I was a young comic, and I was coming back from a shitty gig at like the Catcher Rising Star or whatever in Princeton's horrible room. It's in a hotel, but I was just like grateful to be working, and I remember I was, you know, had a bottle of Buffalo Trace with me. I'm like, I'll just get drunk on the car— on the train ride back, you know? And some guy who looks crazy starts fucking with everyone on the track while we're waiting. And I'm like, oh, this guy's gonna talk to me. And I made a bad joke or something. He, like, fucked with me. He's like, what do you think about immigrants? And I was drunk. I was just like, ah, they're ruining this country. Just trying to be funny. And he's like, you're a racist. I was like, no, I was fucking around. Of course they're not. You know? And he goes, I should kill you.

And I was like, what the fuck? So I had to hide from this guy on the train ride back. And he's— I see him looking for me on the train. It was this horrible moment where I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna do? So I'm ducking down. I see him come on, and I see him asking other people, what do you think about immigrants? He's just crazy. And then he asked the wrong guy, luckily. He asked some fucking tough-looking Black dude. He goes, what do you think about immigrants? And the guy just goes, East New York, motherfucker! And I was like, thank God. The guy was gonna kill him. They stopped the train. They arrested one of them. But I was like, this is not a fun ride.

Well, if you're a psychopath, what greater What a great place to fuck with people. They're in a tube, they can't go anywhere.

Exactly.

And he tried—

I remember he took his hat off at one point and it was like half cut. It was like clearly like a— like he looked insane. Something was off about him. And I was like, thank God that that was my guardian angel, that guy.

How many bodies are they associating? How many dead people do they think could possibly be associated with this Philadelphia thing?

They're only up to the 5 missing and 2 others, I think, because they don't—

5 missing?

Any that remains other than the urns. I don't know if they've like tied them to—

Those are fucking— those are amateur numbers, dude. Gilgo Beach was like 11.

Come on.

Yeah, I think they think it's a lot more because of all the images.

Oh, okay.

And the videos.

Yeah, no, I mean—

They just don't know who the people are.

They have that museum in Los Angeles, the Museum of Murder, Museum of Death. I think they have one in New Orleans too.

They have one like that in Vegas.

Yeah.

Zak Bagans. He's got this like haunted museum and it's got all— it's got Ed Gein stuff in there.

They got John Wayne Gacy's shoes. The clown shoes.

Yeah.

It's hilarious that someone had to bid on that. You're like, did we get the shoes? Yeah, I secured the shoes.

They have Jack Kevorkian's van where he killed people in.

No way.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a big one.

Yeah.

That's a biggie. Yeah, they got the van.

Damn.

Yeah, you can step in the van.

I don't think Kevorkian's on the same level as those guys.

I didn't think so.

He got consensual murder, come on.

But there's something weird about his paintings.

No, it's not— I don't think any of it's great.

Right.

But I— but you can't put him in the same category as this guy.

No, he's killing people that want to die because they're terminally ill.

Yeah.

Philadelphia House of Horrors. Having gone through roughly 30% of the files, investigators say in update that they have identified 58 people from the files.

Okay, that's crazy.

10 of whom died in unrelated circumstances and many others who are still alive. They're still alive.

30%.

Okay, so—

Of millions of files.

Oh God. So, but it says 10 who died in unrelated circumstances and many others who are still alive. It doesn't say how many of those people are dead. It says many who are still alive.

It's like when you get COVID, but you had like a heart condition already or something.

Right. Died with COVID Yeah. Police have not found any bodies and caution they cannot confirm any of the missing women are dead based solely on digital evidence. Yeah, but I think once you find out that a guy's killed 7 of them, you might be able to make an inference.

And you really only need to get him on one, right? That's really the case. But—

Yeah, but I think they want to know.

Yeah, well, of course they want to know, but I mean, that's like—

What's the substance?

It's like, I think it's big barrels of, you know, like probably acid or something.

I forgot the name of the other book.

Built into the house is the problem. Like, the description of what it is isn't just like a barrel laying around on the corner of the garage. It like tubes all over the place down in the basement.

Can you, can you look— I don't know what the name of the book is. It's by Michelle McNamara about the East Area Rapist. That's an incredible book. I'll Be Gone in the Dark or something? It's about the guy who— it's unbelievable.

What's it about?

It's about the East Area Rapist in San Francisco.

What's that one?

He was, he was the— he was just like a huge rapist.

And so the guy, he's a pornographer who made snuff films.

Yeah, that's, uh—

What is it? What is a snuff film?

Snuff film is supposedly films where people actually die.

What?

Yeah.

I didn't know that. I thought it was a porn.

No, that— well, I think for some people it is.

There's a fucked-up movie that Nic Cage made in the '90s or early 2000s called like 8mm. Oh yeah, once, and I will not watch it.

Yeah, yeah, I was with De Palma, I think. Yeah, dude, there's— there was an era of Hollywood where they would film you, uh, Mickey Cohen and those gangsters would film you in the '40s doing gay shit and they would blackmail you. So they try to get all these big actors like, did you humiliatrix. The humiliatrix. But not, I don't think, with consent. I think they really— I don't think they want any part of that shit. And the craziest story was Lana Turner is dating one of these gangsters, the big movie star Lana Turner, who's dating one of these gangsters, John Stompanato, who's abusive as fuck. Like, charms her, won't leave her alone, uh, sending her flowers on set. Good-looking gangster, works for Mickey Cohen, crazy guy. And to the point that, like, she's trying to break up with him. She's filming a movie with Sean Connery, who at the time is like a nobody in the '50s. I think it's in Europe somewhere. And he fucks with Connery, and Connery fucking duck— he just knocks out a fucking gangster. No fear. Didn't care. Guy could have killed him. And later, after Jonathan Bonanno's abusing the daughter, abusing Lana Turner, the story goes that she killed him, I think, but— or that the daughter killed him.

But I read a book where it says she 100% killed him. and put it on the daughter so she wouldn't go to prison for life. Isn't that a crazy story?

She killed a gangster?

She shot him. Yeah, well, he was abusing her for years, and he would have— he would have killed her, probably. Dangerous dudes.

But have you ever heard of Roy DeMeo?

No.

So Joey Diaz gave me this book called Murder Machine back in the day, and it's this guy Roy DeMeo who was you know, some mob guy who just started killing people for whatever reason. And they had an apartment upstairs above this, this bar, and they would take people into the bar, they'd take them upstairs to the apartment, kill them, and cut them up in the bathtub.

Oh my God.

And he just started doing it to a lot of people. He started becoming like really sloppy because like no matter what, he didn't like the way you looked at him. Fuck this guy, let's kill him. And this guy interested in just like taking people out. The book is horrifying.

Wow. Sloppy how? Like as in killing anyone or sloppy with getting rid of the remains?

Both. Well, he got caught eventually, but I think one of the things was he just got very eager to kill people. So he was killing people for like unreasonable reasons. You know, in the beginning, I think he was killing people— he was probably contract killing people or killing people that disrespected somebody or that someone, you know, they had to get dealt with.

And then he just started killing some guys holding up the line at the Deli, you're like, I'm gonna kill that guy too.

The Buck's nuts because you start—

he's—

you gotta read this book, dog. Like, I'm reading the book, I'm like, geez. I think he's playing Roy DeMaio in a movie now.

Joey?

Joey is, yeah.

That's hilarious, dude. Manifest. Yeah, that's awesome.

It is crazy. Yeah, he's got some— maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Joey's a good actor.

It might be like private information, but either way, that's exciting. Yeah, no, he's, he's a very good actor. But that book is fucking terrifying. That guy, that his whole thing was like, it was, there was a social club, like some sort of a bar that was downstairs. See if you can find that story.

Yeah, I might have to call Jamie. Can I grab a drink? Is there any alcohol?

The Gemini Lounge is—

We'll get you—

This whole situation called the Gemini Method.

Jamie, please order us 2 glasses with ice.

Okay, it's been heard.

And a bottle of that Buffalo Trace that almost got you killed.

Oh, nice.

I love, dude.

That was like what I'd look forward to at the end of the weekend was just the drinks.

The Gemini Method. 1970s progressed, DeMeo cultivated his followers into a crew of experience with the process of murdering and dismembering victims. With the exceptions of killing intended to send a message to anyone who would hinder their criminal activities or murders that presented no other alternative, a set method of execution was established by the DeMeo crew to ensure the victims would be dispatched quickly and then made to disappear. Style of execution was dubbed the Gemini Method after the Gemini Lounge, a bar which served as the crew's primary hangout as well as a site where most of their victims were killed. The process of the Gemini Method, as revealed by multiple crew members and associates who became government witnesses in the early 1980s, was to lure the victim through the side door of the lounge and into an apartment in the back portion of the building At this point, a crew member, almost always DeMeo, according to member-turned-government witness Frederick Denome— Denome— would approach with a silenced pistol in one hand and a towel in the other, shooting the victim in the head, and then wrapping the towel around the victim's head wound like a turban to staunch the blood flow.

Immediately afterward, another member of the crew, originally Rosenberg, would stab the victim in the heart to prevent more blood from pumping out of the gunshot wound. Wow, they had a method. By then, the victim would be dead, at which point the body would be stripped of clothing and dragged into a bathroom where the remaining blood drained out or congealed within the body. This was to eliminate the messiness of the next step, when crew members would place the body into plastic sheets laid out in the main room and proceed to dismember it, cutting off the arms, legs, and head.

It seems like a lot of work.

Mm.

Following dismemberment, the body parts would then be put into bags, placed in cardboard boxes, and sent to the Fountain Avenue Landfill in Brooklyn. So many tons of garbage were dropped each day at the landfill, that it'd be nearly impossible for the bodies to be discovered. During the initial stages of an early 1980s investigation targeting DeMeo's crew, a plan by authorities to excavate sections of the dump to locate remains was aborted when it was deemed too costly. and unlikely to locate any meaningful evidence. The landfill opposite the Starrett City apartment complex in East New York was closed in 1985, capped over, and converted into parkland. There's a park there where there's dead people dismembered underneath it. Some victims were killed in other ways for varying reasons. At times, suspected informants or those who committed an act of disrespect against a member of the crew or their superiors had their bodies left in the streets to serve as a message and a warning. How many people did he kill? Put that into perplexity.

It just seems like so much work to do all this shit. Like, just talk out your shit.

I think he probably enjoyed it.

Yeah, I mean, clearly, but it's just—

Look at that list of people.

That's your whole day, bro. Look at that list between killing and disposing. That's got to be, what, 4 hours?

Fun.

How long do you think that took?

Talk some shit, drink a couple drinks, smoke a cigar.

It doesn't process a lot. Let the blood drain, you get some wine.

Hey, hanging with the boys. Put another notch on the wall. Play that Queen song.

Damn, that's a lot.

Bites the dust.

How many is this?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5?

He started in '73, and he did it all the way up to—

He didn't kill Mickey Spillane.

No.

Mickey Spillane's a writer.

It's a boss. Mob boss. Irish mob boss shot 5 times, killed outside his apartment building in Woodside, Queens by DiMeo and Grillo as a favor to Coonan. Oh, another Irish mob boss. So they had the Italian mob killing the Irish mob. Hmm.

This is a lot of names.

Oh, he started killing his own guys. Look at this one. Scroll up a little bit. Right there. Danny Grillo, a longtime member of the DiMeo crew, was killed and dismembered by DiMeo, Rosenberg, and Center and Testa for racking up gambling debts and falling into drug addiction. They were just finding reasons to kill people. Oh, he owes money, this piece of shit.

Gambling debts and drugs, though, if you're— if you're in a gang, that's got to be enough. That's why they killed Chrissy in The Sopranos.

Gary Gardine was shot and killed by Rosenberg after he failed to pay him back from a marijuana deal. Gardine was found inside the truck of his— the trunk of his torched car. Cocaine dealer shot, stabbed, and dismembered. for being a suspected informant.

That's a fair reason.

Dispute over copying porn films on this guy.

Oh my God. He stabbed— wow.

Even duplicating a porno film back then probably took a while. You got to do 2 VCRs.

In '79, I don't even think they had VCRs. Todaro was shot by DiMeo and stabbed by Rosenberg after his nephew hired the DiMeo crew to murder him due to a dispute over the building in which they duplicated pornographic films.

Hmm. Wow.

Someone shot— here's a good killing. Scott Caffaro was shot multiple times by DiMeo crew at the behest of a rape victim's family.

All right, look at the one below it. Mistaken.

Ragucci, college student and door-to-door salesman, was mistaken for a Cuban hitman parked outside DiMeo's home. DiMeo chased Ragucci from Massapequa Park to Suffolk County and shot him 7 times after he crashed his car. Goddamn.

You're 18 and he thought you were a Cuban hitman.

And look, he killed Rosenberg. Look at this. Rosenberg was shot and killed by DeMeo and Senter to avoid a war with a Cuban drug cartel over a March 1979 cocaine ripoff murders caused by Rosenberg. So he's like killing his boys. The guys that he was killing people with, he killed them. It must be just wild. Do you killed—

like, this list is insane. This has gone on for too— this is like, this is like the NBA draft. This is that many names.

It's crazy.

There's like 60 names.

Yeah, I mean, he was a legitimate serial killer.

Who's Constance Burr? Ooh, another informant.

Yeah, informants. There's a lot of, a lot of needed to get rid of a guy, but there's a lot of people that just decide, fuck this guy.

Yeah. Damn.

Damn, that's a lot of people.

I mean, he just got super comfortable with killing people. The book is— the book's insane because it goes into great detail about how he did it and what he did. And it's like, it's very— it's— I don't know why those— they're so— it's so disturbing because you know that people— thank you, sir— people are very malleable, you know? Like, you get used to— like, kids get used to living in war zones.

True.

Like, you That's normal if you grow up, if you're like in the Sudan or something and you're a child soldier. I mean, I guess that's just your life, but cheers, bro. Cheers, sir. Cheers.

Good to see you, my brother.

Good to see you, dude. Morbid conversation, but it is interesting.

I know, we'll pull out of it. We'll pull out of it with something good.

Oh, that's good.

Do you know about the lesbian bar in Massachusetts?

Mark texted me about it. I don't know what it is.

It's amazing.

Are they wearing masks? They're like cosplaying or something?

No, no, no, no, they wear COVID masks.

Right, but what's the deal?

So, um, so the bar— I'll give you the synopsis. So it's called The Last Ditch. It's this basement bar, this bar these lesbians run, and they're communists, so they want to do it like if you can't pay, you don't have to pay. So they have a cover charge, but you don't have to pay if you don't have any money. So nobody pays, so they're going under. And so 2 of them leave and one of them enrolls in clown school. Okay?

Do non-communists just drink there because it's fucking free?

No, 'cause you have to wear a mask if you go there. And so the thing is they're losing all their fucking money. And this one of these people that runs, one of these ladies that runs this bar is 50 grand in the hole.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Send in Jon Taffer, dude. It's gonna make over. That's a good ep.

That would be a great ep. Well, Hollywood is apparently very interested in this story because it became like one of the single biggest reasons why people subscribe to the Boston Globe. Like it was one of the biggest stories that they ever had. Like it was one of those, you gotta find out more about it. And so they got like 1,000 new subscriptions because of the story, because it's— it is— it's woke taken to its final point, because these people couldn't be kinder. They're communists. Yeah, they're running a lesbian bar, and—

And they're giving away booze.

And they're giving— they're running out of money. They have no fucking money, right? And so they consult someone like, what are we gonna do? And they say, listen, you gotta have one day where you have masks optional, and you probably make more money that way. And these people go nuts. One of them says—

Wait, the owners or the—

No, the fans, the patrons.

They can't not drink for one day?

It's not just that. They think you're putting us in danger. One of them says that your building should be— I hope your building gets firebombed. Like, they turn on them.

Firebombed?

Dude.

Holy shit.

It's wild.

Are there pictures of the bar? I want to see what this looks like.

It's a little basement bar.

I kind of want to go next time I'm in Boston. I want to check it out.

That's what's happening. People are going there as tourists. So this is the bar.

Boston's such a good bar culture too.

Yeah, it's a lot of good spots.

Except for that it closes super early. That's the only problem with the bars.

But so one of the signs on the door: Last Ditch Bar and Arts Venue asks visitors to wear a mask. Recently, the bar said it would lift its mask mandate on Saturdays.

Just one day.

Just one day. Saturdays at night, wherever. And not— you could still wear a mask.

Yeah.

You could still wear a mask, but masks are optional.

But it's about—

it's about—

it's optional. I want to go meet a chick at a bar. I don't know what the fuck she looks like if she's got a mask on.

Well, I don't think anybody's meeting anybody at this bar.

Oh yeah, it's a lesbian bar.

They're lesbians, I guess they're meeting other lesbians. But I mean, I think their whole thing is—

Women are more down with the personalities, I guess. I don't know.

I think it's also— there's a certain group of people that they think that if you don't wear a mask, you're killing people.

But this must be a crazy small clientele, right? This can't be like— how many people are going to this shit?

Well, amongst like really wildly left-wing people, masks are still in vogue.

Hmm.

Yeah, I know of a— there's a gym. I don't wanna say the name. I don't wanna shame them. There's like an MMA gym.

Oh, wow.

That's all lesbians and trans people, and they all wear masks.

Wow. I'm more scared of getting punched in the face than— that's wild. I mean, no, look, I still see people wearing them on flights, and I'm like, hey, do whatever you want to do, truly. But I just think that at this point, I couldn't wait. I, and I did it during COVID I comply with all that shit, but I'm kind of like, I did my part and now I'm kind of like, I want to, I want to breathe.

Yeah, I did it. I even sold them on my website. And that's something that actually Sanjay Gupta brought up. You sell masks on your website? I go, not because I think they're useful, because people have to wear them, dude. Yeah, they have to wear them if you want to, if you want to go somewhere, they make you wear a fucking mask.

Oh, I was, dude, I was doing pop-up shows during COVID on New York City roofs, 'cause that was the only place you could really perform. After a while, I got to do a hotel room a few days a week. They let me do it. It was really cool. But I was doing roofs and I was filming a special doing that. And I asked people, just, I'm like, can you guys just put on a mask for like 10 minutes so I don't get— 'cause I was like, I thought people were gonna come for me if we cut to a crowd outdoors and they're not wearing masks. So we did it for like half a show and I was like, just do it for this. And they were all like, yeah, of course. But people were shaming you for that, so I don't— but also they didn't know, so I, I don't care. But it's also like—

Well, there was a lot of fog. Everyone's doing Monday morning quarterbacking about that whole time. There was a lot of people that were— they were good people.

It was scary. It was a scary time. I mean, it was, uh, yeah, we didn't know what the fuck was happening.

I did shows in Houston in July, so it was like the first shows that I had done in a long time, and I only did one weekend. I did the Improv in Houston. And then I decided after I did it that I'm not doing it anymore because I felt bad. I'm like, what if I give somebody COVID? Yeah, come back. I'm being selfish because I want to perform. I'm gonna go back to LA and give someone COVID. That's crazy. So I stopped doing it, but the whole audience had to wear masks.

It was strange. I remember the first show we did back at Gotham, and it was kind of a beautiful moment because clubs had been closed. And I remember Seinfeld wanted to go on first, so even before the host, he was like, this is meaningful to me. And I was like, oh, that's kind of cool. But then I watched him and he's like, comedy's back, and there's like a big glass thing in front of him because we had to do that. That's what the clubs were doing. But I remember Jerry was like emotional. It's like kind of a cool moment, you know.

The glass wall.

Oh, the Cellar did it too. Everyone did it. And you know, we were just— I think they were just trying to be respectful to the patrons at the time. But the second that was gone, I was pretty happy, you know.

There was like a period where people had to like figure out what's okay, and it's generally after someone got it. Most people that got it and then they recovered, then they weren't scared.

Oh, they felt like invincible.

Yeah.

Oh, I was going to fucking brothels the second I— I'm good? Let me fucking pop into this orgy real quick. It was wild. No, it was— that was the one nice thing of being on the back end of getting it is that you're like, I'm fucking— I'm untouchable right now.

Well, it was a good pandemic in a sense because it was not real, real, real deadly. It wasn't like the Black Plague, right? So you—

How about the Spanish flu? There were people— you would— you— so you have World War— you have World War I and the Spanish flu?

Yeah.

Back to back?

And the Spanish flu was killing young, healthy people.

Crazy.

Yeah.

Who's that famous artist, uh, Schiele? He's taking care of his wife. I think it was in Austria, taking care of his wife, who's like— he's like 28. She has Spanish flu, he gets it and dies. He's fucking 28. Yeah, but that's how you become a big artist. You die young.

Yeah, if you live forever, they don't like—

they don't give a fuck. Yeah, no one gives a fuck about that.

Imagine Jim Morrison was still alive.

Oh my God.

He would be David Lee Roth. Poor Dave.

The weird thing about The Doors is like every song's either like a 10 out of 10 or a 1 out of 10. There's no, there's no 5 out of 10s.

Right. I think they did that a lot back then with the albums. Like even a lot of the Stones songs, there's some Stones songs I was like, yikes.

'Cause they're prolific.

There's a little too.

Yeah.

It's like, you know, if you did like— remember when Louie was doing an hour every year?

But it was still great.

It was still great.

Yeah.

But it's a lot. It's a lot to do.

Well, yeah, he set up an unreasonable expectation for comics. That's why this one I waited 2 years. I was like, I don't want to— I think every year is crazy.

I think every few years is good. It depends on where you're at in your life. Like, what do you want to do?

Of course. Sometimes, dude, I feel it all the time, like the stress level's dropping me and the floodgates open, and I have. But when I'm stressed, I'm tight, I'm not creative. But that's when I was in Europe. I was like, shit's just coming out of me because I'm just taking walks in, you know, random cities I've never been to. You're opening up pathways in your brain that you're not used to using. So, but when I'm stressed about something or I'm working on other stuff, I'm, I'm not creating like I want to be. But yeah, it depends. Like, Louie at that point of his career was not just creating stand-up every year, but he was writing, starring, and editing Louie.

Yeah.

So his output was unheard of.

Yeah, no, his output was nuts, and he was editing it on his fucking laptop.

I know.

And he liked to do it on a little one. He goes, I like doing it on a little one.

That show is amazing. I rewatched it recently, and it's just like, man, it's a— he really took some big swings on it. I love that.

Oh yeah, no, he's a fucking wizard. He's a genuine wizard.

Yeah.

It's, it's so hard to maintain that kind of a pace, at such a crazy pace. The thing about like the Stones and those guys though, it's like they had record contracts, and then they had to release a record by a certain amount of time. And so I think they had some filler songs.

Totally, dude. But then sometimes you get the best songs that way, right? You know, you know the Electric Light Orchestra story where they're like, we need one more song for this album, and he just goes to the roof and he's like, Mr. Blue Sky. He's thinking, he's looking at the blue sky and it hit him.

Really?

So that's how Blue Sky—

wow.

Yeah, so that's like, sometimes you get the— or that woman, fuck, I forgot her name. She's really popular singer, she's very good. the I'm not gonna write you a love song, because they're like, we need a love song on this album. And that hit her. I'm not gonna write you a love song.

What song is that?

What's her name again?

Joan Jett?

No.

That's everywhere.

Damn it. You could just type in the lyrics. I'm sure it'll come up.

That's a lot of words to type in.

I'm not gonna write you a love— it's a good song.

Is it a new song?

No, it's from like 20 years ago.

Sarah Bareilles?

Yes, Sarah Bareilles. Yeah, that song. So it's like you just sometimes when you're given a challenge, you just are like, okay, let me— you're talking about the setlist shows before. Sometimes, right, you need something to get you out of your head. Sometimes I think homework as an adult is good when you're like, try this, right? Sometimes you do a show where you need to talk current events. And like, I remember when the Comedy Cellar did that Comedy Central show and you had to only do news stories. It made me write so much topical shit. I love having homework.

Yeah, for sure. Anytime you have to do something, it's better. Like, so many guys, like, when they do roast battles Like they know they're gonna battle somebody in 3 weeks, and so they really fucking write their asses off.

But also, that's like— I think it's also so much easier to write about someone else.

100%.

You know, but, uh, but yeah, it's a lot. I mean, you see like all these— so many comics are so good at that, you know?

Yeah, that's a style. Yeah, it's a very particular style, a mean style. You know, it's like, I'm not— yeah, I don't do it.

But it's cool to see those old clips of Rickles because he didn't even have to tell a joke and you'd be laughing. You just— it was just his vibe. Yeah, he'd be like, why don't you go away and not bother somebody? And that was funny just because of his, you know, well, he was the package. He had the whole package.

He was so unique.

And Joan Rivers too could insult the shit out of you, and it was like beautiful.

Do you remember that thing he did where I think it was Reagan, I think it was Reagan, where he, he did like essentially stand-up before he introduced him?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't know. I've definitely seen the Dangerfield one with Reagan. I don't know if I know— there's some, there's a Dangerfield set with In Front of Reagan where he is annihilating for like 4 minutes straight. And it's one of those where I forgot who they cut to, somebody who just goes, wow, because it's like bam, bam, bam. When Dangerfield's locked in, man, it's like— Dangerfield to me is like, still, I think he's like the funniest human. Like when you re— even the bad movies still have his one-liner or something.

Oh, he's incredible.

I love in Meet Wally Sparks, which is not a great movie, but he's so funny in it. When he walks up to the couple on the dance floor making out, he's like, you two should go get a room. And then he walks up to the fat couple dancing, he goes, you two should get a warehouse. That's a great joke. All those jokes were like fucking— and, and oh my god, every joke in Back to School or Caddyshack, you're like, these are fucking great, these are perfect jokes.

And he was like late 40s at the time. It was unheard of.

He was not well. He did not look like a good late 40s either. That was like hard living.

Partyin' hard, dude. I saw him perform live during his bathrobe era. Do you know the bathrobe era?

Of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he would go onstage with nothing but a bathrobe on.

Crazy.

Like, his junk hanging out under the bathrobe, totally naked, slippers. And I was working. I was actually a security guard at Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts.

Wow.

So I was backstage. I was like— I was one of the guys that was assigned to watch the door to, like, where the backstage was. So I could see, like, Dangerfield walking around with his bathrobe on.

He's pacing. He's nervous.

He's just getting ready. Yeah, but he's got a bathrobe on, and I remember thinking, this is crazy. This guy's got a bathrobe on. I was 19. I was like, he's only got a bathrobe? And then he goes on stage with just a bathrobe. I was like, oh my God, this is insane.

That's crazy.

And murdered. I mean, he laid down like 55 minutes of thunder, just nonstop from the fucking beginning. From the moment he got offstage, onstage, it was just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And Great Woods is a pretty big place, like, you know, thousands of people. I don't know how big it is. I think it's at least 10,000 people. It's a really big place, like big-name people there, like Bon Jovi was there.

Wow.

It was that kind of— it was a huge place.

Well, he had— I mean, he had so many bits. Those Carson appearances were— Carson just knew how to let him cook. He's like, all right, I'll set you up and I'll get the fuck out of the way. But yeah, when he was just ranting, just one after another, and you're like, these are great.

If Carson loved you, it was— oh my God.

They had a bad problem for a while too. They had an issue and then—

Oh really?

They had to work it out. Yeah. Yeah, I think in his book, Rodney said something like he— I think Carson couldn't get into some club or restaurant or something, and Dangerfield helped out, and it kind of smoothed over some shit they had. But like, yeah, it's crazy to picture maybe just one weird moment, but that's— thank God they smoothed it over. We get these moments on TV where Conan had the same thing. Conan was able, like with Norm, he knew how to just let him cook. You know, it's like certain late-night hosts just know when you're like, okay, let me just feed this guy the ball.

Right.

It's like being a great point guard, you know? It's like Carson just knew. He's like, oh yeah, I'll— I got a bad doctor, Dr. Vinnie Bumbassi. He'd be like, oh yeah, just like keep going. I mean, these great, great— Back to School to me is like, if you're— you can't be in a bad mood and watch that movie.

It's a fucking phenomenon.

It'll take you out. It's so fucking silly. Caddyshack. Yeah, Chevy Chase was pretty cool in that movie too. It's a great movie.

Amazing movies.

Danger— Ted Knight. Holy shit. So funny. Looks good on you though.

Back to School is an all-time classic. It's an all-time classic.

That's probably my favorite of them.

Just so interesting on the band.

Dangerfield's manager at the time sent an angry letter to Johnny Carson accusing him of telling one of Dangerfield's jokes on air without booking or paying the comedian. Carson's reaction: annoyed. Carson read the letter live on The Tonight Show. repeated the joke completely deadpan without any comedic timing and quipped that if it was Dangerfield's best material, the comic was in trouble.

That's not nice.

Wow. Dangerfield felt deeply humiliated and wrote multiple apology letters to Carson but received no response. Carson subsequently blacklisted him from the program. The Copacabana Encounter: The Reconciliation. Years later, Dangerfield was performing a sold-out gig at the Copacabana when Carson and his entourage Arrived trying to get in. The apology: Dangerfield personally seated them, went up to Carson, and apologized face-to-face, admitting he was in the wrong for his manager's aggressive letter. The result: Carson appreciated the gesture, and within a week, Dangerfield made his triumphant return to The Tonight Show. He went on to make over 70 appearances, with his rapid-fire self-deprecating humor frequently causing Carson to lose his composure. and crack up on live television.

Carson could be a bit of a cunt, I think. I mean, I mean, the thing he did to Joan Rivers as well, where he just— she got a show and he's like, you're dead to me. I think that's not cool, man.

It's power.

It's power, but it's like cunty power.

I love—

I love— obviously I appreciate Johnny Carson. I think he's incredible, but like, you're building these people up like that. I think it's pretty shit. And Joan Rivers is like—

also, you're the the super happy, friendly, smiley guy on TV.

Yeah, but he was a dark dude, of course. I mean, all those guys, if you put out friendly and happy, there's a darkness. Any comic I see who's like, I'm your best friend, you're like, you're fucking sick. You know, it's anytime I see someone who's like the warm cuddly guy, I trust people more who are kind of dicks on stage. I'm like, they're getting it out.

Like male feminists.

Dude.

Yeah.

I mean, always. And like, always most guys are just I'm just like, yeah, of course we support women. But then when you're like performative about it, I'm like, you're a fucking asshole.

100%.

You want someone to say, good for you, thank you.

Good for you.

You're one of the good ones.

Thank you for using your platform.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's—

Thank you for speaking truth to power.

Anything performative, yeah, but any other comic who's like, I'm your best friend, I'm like, I know you're cheating on your wife, dude. Don't fucking— it's so annoying. Carson, look, he had that Midwest appeal too. He also had a terrible mother.

Like, well, him and Stern hated each other.

Interesting.

Yeah, I always thought that was odd. Like, Stern always hated him.

And he hates Leno, but he loves Letterman.

Yeah, odd. You know, the Leno thing, I think, was—

Because of The Tonight Show.

It was a little of that, but the Leno thing— or Carson did, but did But Howard had a thing with Leno too.

Yeah, I think it was 'cause he got The Tonight Show and Letterman didn't.

I think he was accusing him of using bits from The Stern Show on The Tonight Show.

God, that's funny, that little shit.

See if that's true.

It will hurt. I had a comic do that to me once where they did a bit, and I didn't really care, but I was like, I don't— just don't fucking do it.

Ooh, it's ugly. It's like it changes who you think they are. It changes everything, especially if you know that they saw you do a bit and then they do a version of that.

write a bit. So it's like when— and especially if it's a personal one, that's when you're like, oh, come on, dude.

Yeah. No, I watched some guy the other day on Instagram call out some guy for a bit, and he showed his bit and then that guy's bit, and the guy was like not a comic, but he's like doing comedians' bits like in these videos and these reels.

I used to get mad at it. Now I just— I don't give a shit.

I just—

I'm too tired to care about that shit. But like, I used to get annoyed at all these Instagram accounts like who were just blowing up by using other people's content. It would annoy me, but now I just, I don't give a shit.

But remember that one black guy that got in trouble because he was doing Patrice?

Remember that?

No.

He was like really getting a following. He was a young guy, like, like he was doing— he was like a streamer and he was really getting a following. And he was saying—

weird. It's like, is it performance art? Is it a tribute band? But you're not— it's so weird.

He tried to play it off that way. way, but he wasn't crediting him. Like, if you're gonna do a Bill Hicks bit, you have to say, this is hilarious Bill Hicks bit.

Totally.

Then say the bit. You can't just say it and say, that was a Bill Hicks bit.

Yeah, I love shouting out some of my favorite comic bits all the time. Sure. I love— oh God, I love— you know who's got one of my favorite jokes ever? Do you know Adrienne Iapalucci?

Sure.

I love— she's one of my favorite jokes of all time where she says, my boyfriend threatened to commit suicide, and I was like, great, now I can't kill myself or people are gonna think we were in love. That's an incredible joke. That is such a— it's like there's not one ounce of fat.

Only she could say.

Totally. But there's not one ounce of fat.

Yeah.

And it's such a deeply personal moment. You know she thought that, like, in a fight or something. I'm like, oh, I love— when you feel that there's such a truth to it, it's so beautiful. I love a great joke like that. Etel's got a million jokes that I'm just, like, jealous of.

I think the real issue with the thieves is that the inclination to steal is directly opposite of the mindset that's required to create Well, we're talking about AI, right?

We're talking about— I mean, it's the laziness. I mean, you—

Well, AI is stealing from all of us.

Of course.

It's stealing from the entire human race.

But it's the same thing. It's like, you know, you're looking— it's a shortcut, right? So you don't want to do the work. And part of the fun, part of the excitement of the new bit is failing and then honing it and getting it to where it wants to be and the excitement. But yeah, that's— I look at— think of the jokes that, you know, you put in specials and you're like, well, that wasn't always a good joke. That's fun that it got somewhere, you know?

Yeah. Oh no, it's great when you have a bit that fails forever. Like Chris Rock always talks about that bit, like, I love black people, I hate n-words. Yeah, like that bit he apparently bombed at for like a year.

Can you imagine bombing that bit? That's not like a— because there's certain bits that you're like, okay, I can bomb, but when you're on that edge of saying something really fucked up and working out this really provocative bit— but you know, but that's why Rock is, is one of the best ever, you know?

Well, he's more than willing to take that chance and walk that Like, he would do that at the store all the time. Like, I remember one time I brought him up at the store, and the first thing he said— the audience went nuts, obviously. He's there, they went crazy. And the first thing he said, relax, it ain't gonna be that funny.

Lower your expectations. That's what he always says.

He's just saying, I'm working on some new stuff.

I love watching him work on stuff. He's so, uh, he's so funny.

That's such a bold move, though.

I ran into him on the street with a girl I'm dating, and he's so smooth. He's so good. I was like, oh, this is Morgan. This is my girlfriend. He goes, I've heard so much about you. He's just hamming it up. And she's like, wow. I'm like, oh, he's the man. He really hooked me up. But he always says the funniest thing to me, 'cause he always says, you young guys are on the road too much. You burn out. And he saw me rolling a duffel bag down the street once, 'cause we don't live that far from each other. And he sees me rolling it, and he just looks at me like, goddamn it. And he goes, even LeBron has an offseason. He always finds the most the perfect shortest amount of words to say. Chris is so funny.

He's very funny.

Yeah, always. That's the first album that got me into stand-up was Roll with the New, his album. And I was listening to it and being too young to get half the jokes probably, but I had the CD and I'm listening to it and my mom just saw me laughing and she's like, what is he laughing this hard at? And she— I remember putting the headphones on and the look of horror on my mom's face, but then followed 30 seconds later, she's laughing and And I was like, oh, that's incredible. That's how good Chris's comedy is, that he can shock you in a setup and then like pull you back in with a punchline.

Also, when you weren't ready for a comedy show, you didn't anticipate it, you didn't drive to a place and sit down.

But I have a cool mom. Like, she gets, she understands how brilliant his bits are, you know? I mean—

That's awesome.

It was cool. It was a cool moment for me to be like, oh wow, my mom thinks this is good.

Bring the Pain is like one of the greatest specials of all time.

Unbelievable.

Of all time.

And the next one, Bigger and Blacker. I mean, they're— Yeah.

Those 2 back-to-back, I'll put them up against any special.

I agree. I mean, it was crazy. And it was like, man, it was just provocative bit after provocative bit, but he delivered. It wasn't like shock for the sake of shock. I think of the other bit I love about how we need to make bullets cost $5,000 because then you would— there would be no innocent bystanders. Like, that's a brilliant bit. Like, I'd bust a cap in your ass if I could afford That's a great bit.

Yeah, he's got a bang of— he's got a—

He emptied $50,000 on me. He must have done something. Great, great jokes, because that's actually like those jokes that actually are like, oh, this actually is a good idea. Yeah, those ones where you're like, I know you're being funny right now, but that's actually— that's actually really smart.

You know who doesn't get enough credit? His brother.

Yeah, he's a very good comic.

His brother Tony's fantastic.

Yeah.

He doesn't get enough credit.

For sure.

He's like— when you are the brother of one of the greatest of all time, that's a tough spot to be in.

Of course.

But it's like people judge him by that.

How many baseball players do you see who have a brother in the major leagues? Like, think about what you did to get to the major leagues, right? But it's like you're not talking about Mike Maddux, you're talking about Greg Maddux, right? It's like very— but Mike Maddux is a good pitcher. Jason Giambi, there's Jeremy Giambi. You know, it's fucking tough. You made it to the major leagues.

Mm-hmm.

But that— but yeah, but it must be very— and he's got another brother who's a stand-up. I mean, it's very difficult.

Is the other brother the youngest?

He's the youngest, Jordan. Yeah, but it's—

why not? Fuck it. What do you want, a regular job? It's obviously in your family. Yeah, just do it.

But it's so much harder. I mean, like, if your family— I mean, it's hard.

People have expectations.

They don't talk about the challenges of being Frank Sinatra Jr.

Ooh.

You know?

Or Frank Stallone.

Yeah. He had a song. He had that single.

What was it?

I don't remember. You pull it up. It's in the Travolta movie. It's not bad. It's very— it's what you would picture Frank Stallone singing, but actually, like, I don't mind it, actually.

I said it's fine, but I mean, his brother is in some of the biggest movies in the history of the universe.

He's amazing.

But, uh, what do you do with that?

You know, it's like you sing, you sing one single, and he acted a little bit.

bit.

I mean, look, John Belushi— Jim Belushi had a good career.

Jim Belushi probably has the best career out of a famous brother.

He's a good actor.

Right.

Yeah.

Thief. Oh yeah, he's done a lot of good stuff.

He's in some really good movies.

Frank Stallone's got a lot of hits in a bunch of movies.

Far From Over, that's the one.

Rambo.

Wait a minute, Staying Alive was him?

No, not the song, but it's a song in the movie.

Oh, I was like, what are you talking about?

No, Far From Over is the one. That's the one where he's like—

Top 10.

Top 10 US Billboard Hot 100, featured prominently in the dance drama film Staying Alive in 1983.

Never Gonna Give You Up.

Wow.

Take You Back. Oh, he— that song from Rocky Balboa, 2006.

I like all those Rocky movies. Yeah, I even like— I think the Creed movies were great. I really enjoyed them. I thought they were terrific.

I never saw any of them.

Dude, it's so good. The first one's amazing.

I gave up on Rocky after the Tommy Morrison movie.

Which one was that?

I don't know. 4 or 5? That was 5, I think. No, But dude, the new Creed, Michael B. Jordan's unbelievable. And it's a great story because it's, uh, it's— he's Creed's son. I mean, it's like, it makes sense that he'd be angry and like, my dad fucking abandoned us.

And I get it. I'm just overwhelmed.

I get it. You know, you would love it. It's— the first one's excellent, and they bring back fucking Dolph Lundgren for the second.

Oh really?

He's awesome. It's his son. It's fun, dude. You would like the first Creed.

watch it, son of a bitch.

Yeah, you'll text me and you'll be like, this is fucking good.

Maybe. Yeah, if not, I'll never say it on the air. Yeah, I don't— I just like this certain amount of movies after a certain point in time.

I watch too many movies.

That's the problem.

I love— I still watch so fucking many movies, dude.

You know what's fucking fantastic?

What?

The Gentlemen, that show.

Oh, I've heard it's good.

Netflix.

Yeah, I saw the movie.

What's the movie? Oh, the movie?

Yeah, it's fun.

The same thing. The movie is about the same thing. This is like different. Pull it down, pull it down. The movie is same thing. It's all about weed dealers, but the movie's excellent. The series is equally excellent, but 2 seasons worth of, you know, 8 hours.

So it's new?

Yeah, it's fantastic. Yeah, and no one in there is like a big name. It's fucking great, man.

Damn, I'm so— I'm so reluctant to commit to TV shows because if a movie's bad, I'm like, all right, that was 90 minutes and whatever. But a TV show, if I get roped— I'm liking Slow Horses a lot. That's a fucking great show. I love that shit.

Yeah, I'm on that now because The Gentlemen I finished.

It's so good.

Yeah, Slow Horses is great.

Yeah, that's—

Gary Oldman can do no wrong.

I agree, he's so good. And it's like—

And he varies so wildly.

He really does.

He was Dracula.

Mm-hmm.

He was that, the, the white guy in True Romance that thought he was black.

That's a fucking movie.

With the scar and the—

How good is— I can't watch that scene with James Gandolfini beating the shit out of her. That's like one of the toughest scenes to watch. Yeah, that movie's unbelievable. I love True Romance. The same song from Badlands, that like that kind of cheerful score.

Wasn't that a Tarantino script as well? That was, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he wrote that.

Tony Scott.

Completely makes sense.

But he said he changed the ending. Like, he made the ending— they were supposed to die in Tarantino's, and Tarantino was like pissed at first, but then he saw and he was like, oh, that's, that's a good ending for this movie. Because, you know, a director makes it their own, I guess. But he hated Natural Born Killers, though.

Did he really?

Hated it. He wrote that too, but I guess they changed it so much he hated it.

How much shit did that guy write?

He's written some fucking good shit.

Bangers.

You know what no one ever talks about either, which is one of his best movies, is Jackie Brown. That's a fucking amazing movie.

Fucking amazing movie. We were just talking about it the other day. The scene with when Robert De Niro shoots Bridget Fonda.

Shocking, shocking shit. That's one of the best. That's one of his— because you know that movie has more heart than any movie he's ever made because it's Like, he's so great, but that movie, for some reason, like, you really care. Like, in Pulp Fiction, it's, it's a masterpiece, but you don't really care about the characters. You really care about her and him, like, getting away with it. Yeah.

No, I mean, I'd put him— he's in my top 2 or 3. He might be number 1.

He doesn't miss much. I mean, it's like, I loved his latest one.

Death Proof was the only one where I was like, I don't—

It wasn't my favorite, but Once Upon a Time in Hollywood's fantastic. I love it.

It's fantastic.

I saw it with Ari in, in, uh, 70mm, and it was like a really fucking fun day. It was like a really— it's one of the— it's so fun to see a movie like that for the first time with a friend. You just turn in the theater and you just turn to each other like, like, that's the fun of going to a movie theater is like those moments that— yeah, no, I— that was incredible.

I saw that one with Chappelle, Donnell Rawlings, and, uh, Ian Edwards.

Wow.

We were the only people in the movie theater We rented the theater out, so we did an arena, and then we left the arena and went to see it. They set it up for us, and we went there, and they just had like a whole table full of candy. Just grab whatever candy you want.

Better than seeing Django with those fellas.

That'd have been intense.

No, that's a— I was blown away by that one. I just thought it looked so— it's also a movie that it's on TV all the time, and if it's on, you're just like, yeah, Brad Pitt, you're fucking so cool in this movie.

It's also a movie where Like, wait a minute, you took an actual event and completely changed what happened.

I love that.

In an actual historical event.

Because it's one of the most heartbreaking stories ever. Fucking pregnant woman you murdered.

And you wrote pig on the wall. That's another MKUltra fucking deal.

That's Manson. That— yeah, that was— yeah, Roman Polanski then goes on to— it— this chain of events that sets off is crazy because Roman Polanski is super fucked in the head after that, obviously. And that's why we probably get the ending of Chinatown that we get, because of that. Because he's like, things don't work out. The original script isn't that.

Oh, really?

The ending is like, yeah, this is what happens in life. That's why it's a hopeless ending, probably because of that. So was it worth it? No, I'm kidding. Obviously not.

It was awful.

But it was, uh, it's an amazing fucking movie though.

Yeah.

One of the most tragic— yeah, I mean, that's why the ending is actually kind of emotional when she lets him in, because you're like, this isn't what happened.

I forgot the ending of Chinatown. I haven't seen Chinatown in 20 years.

Dude.

At least.

Maybe a top 5 movie ever.

I remember I saw it in a movie theater when I was a little kid. I remember being shocked.

Holy shit. How old were you?

Oh, I was little.

Yeah, you should not have been.

No, definitely not. not, but I remember when he got his nose cut by the switchblade.

I was like, crazy.

Remember when they sliced Jack?

Fuck it, that was Polanski who sliced him.

Yeah, was it really?

Yeah, it was him. Wow. Yeah, he's hard to beat, Nicholson, in terms of cool. He was just the coolest.

He did some bangers, that's for sure.

That and Last Detail and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Five Easy— Easy Rider and Five Easy Pieces, like, in succession is fucking insane.

The ending of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest When he's— when they have zapped his brain out and you see him sitting there drooling.

Isn't that the worst?

Oh, they did that to a lot of people, man.

Beautiful fucking ending. But like, yeah, but that's also, uh, dude, that movie fucking— I saw that too young probably, but that just made you— that was like, oh, he's the cool guy, he wants to be the fucking center of attention. That's like, he's kind of like a comedian and all these crazy people, it's like he's the center of attention. He's trying to lift their spirits. The scene where she won't let him watch the World Series, and he just goes on and he starts— he has the votes, but she won't let him watch because she counts the votes downstairs, and he just starts narrating the World Series as if it's happening on TV, but it's not. That's one of the most fucking beautiful scenes in any movie ever.

It's also like that world of mental health institutions is so spooky, because especially back then, people could just decide you were crazy and keep you in a place like that.

that.

Yeah, and also that was like the anti-authority— like every '70s movie was anti-authority and ended with you getting like shot in the face or murdered. So like Network, Bonnie and Clyde, it's always you getting like murdered in the end.

I wonder how much the CIA had to do with that, like the endings of those films.

All those— well, dude, it was hopelessness, right? It was like everything's hopeless, you're gonna lose, they're always gonna get you. I mean, everyone talks about this dark shit, but it got us some good movies.

Who's like— is there a movie where, like, like a sort of a film where the bad guy gets away in that era?

The bad guy? I mean, God, probably a lot.

Like, No Country for Old Men.

I mean, Chinatown is one. He literally takes her away. He takes the girl away, the daughter that he's molested her mother and he's gonna molest her. Like, he takes her away. That's how the movie ends. She gets shot. Yeah, it's like— sorry for spoilers if you haven't seen Chinatown. Still worth seeing even though you know the ending now. But what year was that movie? I think '74 or something. Yeah, but it was like— oh dude, a lot of movies ended— I mean, so I was 7. I'll give you a big-budget one that ended dark: Empire Strikes Back. Han Solo's in carbonite, the bad guys win.

Yeah, but they're setting you up.

They're setting you up. But like, dark— yeah, I'm trying to think of that era.

Alien, the bad guy wins. Alien.

What's another one though that from the '70s were like—

no, in Alien the bad guy doesn't Corporate evil wins, I guess, is what it says.

Corporate evil wins in Network for sure.

Network is— I had Perplexity, in the '60s through '80s, what are the films where the bad guy wins? And it gave me this list of films right here.

Oh, Network. I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Fucking 10 out of 10 movie. That's like, that's fucking perfect. Oh, The Thing. That's good.

Yeah.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Is this a movie where all the bad guys win?

I asked Perplexity.

Oh, Rosemary's Baby is a good one.

From the '60s.

Man, I just read Zinoman, the New York Times guy's book on horror movies. movies. It's fucking great. It's called Shock Value, and he talks about Rosemary's Baby and like all the horror movies of that era. It's worth a read if you haven't read it. But it's, uh, yeah, I guess that movie, like that ending too, where it's like you think the mom's gonna kill— she's gonna kill the devil. She just gave birth to Satan, and you think she's gonna kill the fucking baby, but instead she's like, this is my baby, I gotta keep it. Yeah, so enjoy that, pro-lifers.

Rosemary's Baby— there was a guy who was in Rosemary's Baby that owned the first place that we that we were gonna put the mothership at. He was a cult leader. He was actually an extra in Rosemary's Baby. That was like his one claim to fame. Yeah, he's a very handsome guy. He was a yoga teacher who was a hypnotist.

Ikram.

Also a gay porn star.

That's a fucking jack of all trades. Yoga, porn, fuck.

Yeah, there's a documentary about him. It's called Holy Hell.

Damn. Yeah, gay porn star in them must have been fucking scary, right? I mean, what, the '60s?

No, this was, uh, I think he was doing gay porn in probably the '70s or the '80s. It had to be the '80s. I think the movie Rosemary's Baby, I think, was in the '70s. And so he was, by then, I think he was out of acting. It's probably, he probably did porn in the '80s because he was in, it was like, what year was Wake Up That was the '90s, right?

I'm not sure. I think so.

So by the time Waco had rolled around, the Waco tragedy, he was already running a cult. And so that's one of the reasons why he moved to Austin. He had a cult in West Hollywood, and the Cult Awareness Network was investigating him because after Waco they started cracking down on cults.

They're like, hey, this is not ending well.

This is a problem.

Yeah.

And so this fucking guy moved to Austin in and changed his name. No internet back then, right?

Nobody knew anything.

Changed his name and then started this new cult out here and had his followers build him a theater.

Whoa.

And that theater is called the One World Theater.

I thought you were gonna say the Paramount. I was like—

So this One World Theater is out like western Austin, and it was for sale.

How big is it?

It's a big theater? I mean, not a big theater, not like thousands. I think probably it's seated 600, 500, 600.

Wow.

The balcony, not that big. Yeah, but yeah, good size.

Cool.

Decent, but beautiful place. Maybe even less, maybe like 400. But anyway, Ron White did it, and he told me, because when we talked about buying a place, he goes, you should buy this fucking theater. I did it, it's amazing. I fucking killed there. He's telling me about this beautiful theater. That's fucking beautiful. beautiful, used to be owned by a cult. I thought, oh, that'd be hilarious. I'll buy a place owned by a cult. And then Adam Eget, after we like signed papers and everything, Adam Eget calls me up. He goes, hey, did you see the documentary on that cult? And I go, oh no. They never make documentaries on the cults where it worked out great.

No.

And this one's rough. So this one, it was like years into the cult. One guy in the early 2000s leaves, and when he leaves, he sends a mass email and he says, hey, this guy's been hypnotizing me and buttfucking me for the past 10 years.

Oh my god.

And then all these other people like, that's his way of—

I'm not gay. He tricked me.

Yeah, he liked to fuck the straight guys. It was like part of his therapy.

Damn.

He would charge them for it too.

That's the worst part.

The documentary is crazy. It was like $50. The documentary is crazy.

That's a weird amount to charge.

Yeah, I don't want to be rude. He's buttfucking these guys.

That's true.

But When he confesses that this guy's been doing that to him, everybody else says, oh my God, he's been doing it to me too.

Wow.

And then it all falls apart.

That is fucking crazy. I mean, that is, uh, and you almost had that theater.

Yeah.

Oh, I had it. I had— I was under contract and everything. I had to get out of it.

But Adam got you out of it.

No, no, we got out of it because there wasn't, you know, when you buttfuck people and charge them $50, generally they don't build your buildings to code.

Yeah. And so you got to charge comedy tickets at least $52.

We got, we got, we got out on a loophole.

There was an issue. Damn.

Yeah, good for you for getting out.

Beautiful building though.

Yeah, I mean, so then it's not like you're buying Epstein's Island and redoing it. Why can't you do a theater?

It was—

it bothered me. Really?

So what's gonna happen with the theater now?

Oh, they're doing something with it. I don't know, somebody else owns it now. It's a beautiful place and it's on a great piece of land, but it was just like the bad juju in that room was just too much.

Yeah, I guess the story's rough.

You don't want to associate— You were all talking about it like, dude, we're gonna have to burn sage in this place for like 4 years just to clean out. I mean, just think about all these poor kids that like went to take yoga classes and—

Well, someone's buying Epstein's Island. Someone's buying his penthouse. You're getting a discount, but you're right.

His ranch. He's got that ranch where there's like bodies missing. Oof. They think there might be bodies. Isn't there a search for bodies at the ranch? Wasn't that something recently?

But they're gonna turn that island into some sort of resort. I'm sure it's gonna be, if you're like, at a discount. I'm sure if you want to go on vacation with your wife and you're like, why is this one so cheaper? That's gonna be fucking so cheaper. The whiskey's hitting.

Why have I seen that building before?

I'm sure it's It's a nice townhouse, but yeah, I wouldn't want it. Yeah, if you're— once you're in that tax bracket, you know.

That was one of the darkest things in the Epstein emails was the sulfuric acid.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know about that? They found out that he had— I forget how many gallons. I think it was something to the— in the neighborhood of 300 gallons of sulfuric acid.

Holy shit. Yeah, that's fucking weird.

Yeah, and he ordered the shipment, I think, after he was indicted, if I'm, if I'm correct.

We looked it up and it had to do with like water cleaning.

Yeah, just to be positive. Yeah, I think someone said it had to do with the—

He also seems so stupid. You see those emails of him and everyone's like, he was so persuasive and charming. And the emails, you're like, you seem like a fucking Neanderthal the way you talk. Yeah.

Well, I mean, the other people, I think they all felt protected.

Yeah, and he was just so fucking— yeah, he probably felt untouchable. You're squeezing people who are this powerful, you're like, who's gonna fucking come for me? I remember James Patterson wrote that book like trashing him before all this shit went down because they were neighbors in Florida. So he took out like a hit piece on him like way back in the day. It was a whole book being like, this guy's a piece of shit.

When was this?

Probably like the 20-teens. I mean, he had already been arrested for that, but it wasn't as— it wasn't for statutory or whatever, but it wasn't when it was a massive media story.

That was the second arrest.

But they were neighbors. He's like, I fucking hate this guy.

I think a lot of it boils down to one lady who was a reporter who chased the story down. Yeah, because I think she was outraged that he got like that sweetheart deal at first.

Yeah, fuck, that's gonna be like— the crazy thing is that's like the story that just keeps going. It won't go away. And it probably won't for— think about, you're talking about JFK, 12 years. What are we gonna know about Epstein in 12 years?

What's really disturbing is how many people went and met him after he had already been arrested.

Yeah.

After.

Yeah, once you know that, you gotta not—

After.

You gotta not do that.

Went to jail, and then they're like, let's hang out.

Yeah, let me email you. So there's a— yeah, so there's a string of this forever.

It's fucking dark. And then you got to think, okay, we know about that one. How many of them are out there right now, right? How many of these, these fucking secret places are out there right now?

Yeah.

I've been invited to some weird shit, dude.

Like what kind of shit?

Weird shit.

Like what?

I don't want to say too much.

Don't say the name, tell it.

I've been invited to these like retreats where like people I don't know—

Feels Eyes Wide Shut-y.

And they invite me to— yeah, yeah, some— well, not— I want to say Eyes Wide Shut, but very Illuminati-ish.

Yeah.

Like invited me to go meet with these, you know, people that are like heads of industry. And, you know, I remember—

But the question is, why do they want you there? Because you have a platform where you, where you can clearly trash these people.

I think because they probably assumed that they could sweet-talk me and do business with me and make it profitable for me. And so maybe I'll just like not talk about them, perhaps.

Maybe.

Yeah, I, I've avoided every single one of those.

That's very confident though.

So New Mexico has—

I mean, it's—

Sorry. They officially launched a, uh, truth commission to look into what happened at Zorro Ranch. It says here a former Texas state senator is currently running for office as a state comptroller, bought it to make it a Christian retreat, reclaiming it for Jesus.

That's a perfect cover, isn't it? Someone's getting nailed to a cross today. Reclaiming it for Jesus.

This is wild. The state's Epstein Truth Commission— this New Mexico has a Truth Commission for Epstein— held its first public meeting in February where members said that they would coordinate with the New Mexico Department of Justice. Uh, Rep. Andrea Romero chairs the commission and its other members are Rep.

Okay, they haven't found anything yet.

They haven't found anything yet published.

This was on March 11th, was the last update I could find on it.

I got invited to go to Bohemian What's that? That's that place that Alex Jones found out about that people said was bullshit. It's some place in Northern California where a bunch of elites get together and they, they wear robes and they chant and they worship a giant owl god.

I don't like any of this.

I don't like any of this. Yeah, yeah, I've been invited to some weird shit. I've said no to every one of those things. I just want to be clear on the record here. That's one thing about having made a lot of money. It's you cannot really tempt me with a lot of money.

That's good.

Like, you know, I'm not that I would be be at all. Like, I've always made enough money. I don't have like crazy extravagant tastes. No, I'm not a guy who's— I don't wear diamonds. I don't have a private jet.

Men who wear diamonds are fucking weird.

It's odd. It's white guys. White guys who wear diamonds, very odd. I give black guys a little bit more slack.

I guess so. It's all weird. It's like men who wear cologne. Like, what are we doing? I don't— there's something about it I don't quite trust. I guess if you're European, I give a pass for that one.

But, but there's something about when you start. I think it's probably you get invited into these things and they want to bring you into the fold. You know, like, you know, you're a super— They want to be—

they want to be close to you. They want to be—

You know, it's very odd. I've managed to keep my head above water. Yeah, moving.

You've got a family, you've got a lot of shit. You're busy.

It's not even just that.

You're a busy guy.

I am busy, but I wouldn't be interested in the first place.

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying your schedule is keeping you from this. I'm just saying like—

It's just odd.

I also— I don't know.

There's a lot of groups out there.

I don't need any other shit. I don't want any extracurricular. I play pickup basketball with comics on Sunday, and I'm kind of like, that's all I need. I do the road, I do sets. What else the fuck do I need? I'm very happy with my life.

Me too. I have family, happy with the family, everybody's great. Play pool, I do sets.

You're good at pool, right? I've heard you're good.

I'm really good, yeah.

Yeah, and I knew you were good because I remember the first time, one of the first times we hung out, you talked about how shitty Tom Cruise looked in The Color of Money, and I was like, oh, Joe must be good. And I saw you hitting around, like, he's fucking good.

Yeah, it's just you can't pretend that you're really good at pool.

I'm terrible. I give away that I— I remember I did a Friars Club tournament early on, and I, and I got lucky and I won the first one. I just, for some reason, the balls went in, and I— but I was exposed because the guy I was playing against was like, your form is shit. He's like, I know you're getting lucky. And I was, and I got my ass kicked.

Well, someone who's really good, there's like a subtle way they hold the cue and play with the cue. It's like, you ever see a movie where a guy's smoking cigarettes and you know that he doesn't really smoke cigarettes?

Yeah, Mitch.

If you're in a movie— And dude, anyone— it's any sport though. If I see you making shots in basketball and I see your form and it's shit, I know you're—

Of course.

You're trash.

But— or guitar playing. Yeah, like you're watching, like, that guy doesn't really know those chords.

Totally.

Like, he's just fucking moving his fingers around. Yeah, pretending he's a wizard.

No, you easily— I mean, look, there's a few exceptions always. Sometimes people have weird-ass form and it works.

Oh yeah, but definitely you can usually— you know who's the best pool player ever in America? movie? Jackie Gleason.

That's one of my favorite movies, The Hustler.

It's a great movie, bro.

That's, you know, we talk about dark endings.

Oh yeah.

We just talked about dark ending. The Hustler, Hud also, every Paul Newman movie. No, but yeah, The Hustler was very dark. Jackie Gleason in The Hustler, Minnesota Fats, bro.

He's phenomenal.

He was so fucking— he would talk about a fucking drinker too.

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Who do you think wins, Shane or Jackie Gleason?

One-on-one? They both die. They both die. The world loses because we lose both of them. They drink each other to death.

Dude, that—

I think Shane could probably outdrink him though. Shane's an animal.

Maybe because it's like—

He's a bigger guy too.

It's like, it's like '60s basketball versus now. Like, I think Steph Curry's taking Bob Cousy. I think that's why I put Shane over Jackie Gleason. But Gleason, those guys were animals. You know what I read is that Spencer Tracy was such a fucking blackout drunk in the, in the '40s, whatever, that the studio would have to hire people to spy on him at bars. and just like help him into a car so it wasn't a news story because he was just such a known blackout alcoholic. And I was like, what a fucking amazing— what an amazing time.

I think the difference also is that Gleason is a hard drinker. He's like hard, hard booze, whereas Shane is like light beer.

Beer.

He's Bud Light.

Shane monitors your drinks too. If you're drinking with Shane, Shane's like, this one's almost empty, hands you another. You're like, goddammit, Shane, it's Tuesday.

Uh, his favorite drink, Jackie Gleason's neat Scotch whiskey with with no, no ice, no water, no soda.

That's a drunk.

Yeah. Also known to introduce Frank Sinatra to Jack Daniel's, helping it make, make it Sinatra's signature drink. Capacity: boasted that he could drink more scotch per hour than anyone alive.

I mean, he was— you could just tell he's drinking in that movie. That movie is like, man, that's one of my favorite movies ever.

Refused traditional rehearsals for The Honeymoon Mooners, claiming a photographic memory, though associates noted that heavy drinking offset sometimes contributed to forgotten lines or poor creative choices, such as the disastrous TV flop You're in the Picture.

Well, those guys back then were such drunks that, like, people would just feed them lines and then be like, oh my God, his performance was so naturalistic. I'm like, yeah, dude, you fed him the line and then he said it. That's why it fucking felt real.

Yeah. His drinking was matched with a massive appetite for food and a habit of smoking up to 5 packs of cigarettes a day.

Wow. 5 packs doesn't seem— that's not fucking possible.

You could do it.

5?

Yeah, I'm just thinking now, was it— has it always been 20 in a pack? Could have been 10 back then.

No, you could do it.

You could just go 100 cigarettes a day. 100 a day?

Yeah, you just keep smoking. You never stop smoking. I mean, you ever see that interview with him where he's just constantly— he's just chain smoking one to the next, one to the next?

100 is— 5 packs is absurd. One pack is bad, so 5 is fucking—

think, let's imagine you woke up at 10:00 a.m., got a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, went out to the golf course smoking cigarettes all the time you're playing golf.

Yeah.

Like, he was, he was like a baby, like a big, like a, not a baby, like a happy child, like a grown-up wealthy happy child that just did whatever the fuck he wanted to and just lived his life. He had no concern whatsoever for his health. No concern for anything other than having fun.

What did Gleason make it to?

6 packs a day during the height of his career. Wow.

How old was he when he died?

I don't think he was very old. I think he was in his 70s, early 70s.

71?

You know, I've been really— I really love Alan Watts. I love listening to Alan Watts speeches. He's just like— there's something about his accent and and his philosophy with his accent. He was just such a great orator. And, you know, he's talked— he has these such wise words to say about life. And he wrote a great book about the age of anxiety in 1952.

Wow.

In 1952, he was talking about—

I wonder if it has anything to do with the 6-packs of cigarettes you're smoking.

There's a little— that was a problem with him.

Or booze.

This wasn't Jackie Gleason.

This is— No, no, I know, but I mean, I'm talking about that generation of people that just fucking live like that.

Alan Watts as well. That's the thing. Like, he's writing and giving these speeches, and they're so brilliant and beautiful, and they resonate with you so hard. And then you find out, oh, he died. He was 58, died of heart disease. He was smoking constantly, drinking. He was a fucking terrible alcoholic. He'd been married 3 times. He had 7 kids with 3 different wives. Like, his life was a mess.

Doesn't stop you from being brilliant. I mean, how many friends do you know who are the most toxic relationships you've ever seen, and then you ask them something and they give you the most profound advice.

Oh yeah.

All the time. Just because you can still say— I mean, fucking Thomas Jefferson was preaching about how we shouldn't have slaves while impregnating slaves.

Yeah.

It's easy to not look at your own paper and then speak with, you know, intellect on issues that, you know—

You want to read something dark? It's over there. There's a book called The Zorg that Siddharth Kara wrote. So Darth Carr is the guy who wrote Cobalt Red. It was all about the cobalt mining in the Congo. Oh boy, an exposé. It's a— it's really dark. That's really dark too.

It's all bad.

And he filmed it and explained it and showed it to us.

Everything that's good for us has got a horrible origin, basically. Everything we enjoy.

But the Zorg is crazy. The Zorg is the ship that essentially ended the transatlantic slave trade. because the slave trade apparently was how the insurance industry came about, because they wanted to insure their slaves as property. And then if a bunch of them died, they wanted to get compensated. So they would, you know, buy a policy on their slave ship. And so this one boat lost like half of its slaves. And just the horrific conditions, because they went to trial...

Wow.

...for the insurance claim. And because they had to throw women and children off the boat because they ran out of water because they missed Cuba and they were circling around.

Oh God.

It is the darkest— or Jamaica. It is the darkest. It is so awful. And you got to realize, like, that's only 200 years ago.

Yeah.

200 fucking years ago. 200 fucking years ago this was going on.

I mean, you think about how slavery was not that long ago. It's pretty crazy.

Well, it's not even not that long ago. It's happening right now in the world.

Yeah, right, right.

But that kind that—

I meant in America, but yeah.

The Atlantic slave trade where they had people 16 inches per body on this boat. That's how stacked the boat was. And they have a diagram of these bodies, like how they made them lie down because that was the best way to conserve space. And they had them lie down on the ground shackled 16 inches per body.

And I'm pissed with Delta Comfort. It's fucked up. It's a fucked up time, man. It's a fucked up time. No, it's, uh, that's fucking awful. I think, yeah.

It's dark. It's as dark as the Roy DeMaio shit.

Yeah. Yeah, when you look too closely at the ingredients of the country, it's like looking too closely at—

It's the ingredients of humans. That's the problem. Humans, when they're allowed to be awful, they'll do it. They'll do it.

Yeah.

Especially if they can get away with it. it, they'll do it.

Yeah, man.

The cobalt shit's nuts.

Yeah, and that's our cell phone battery?

Uh-huh.

That's crazy.

Cell phone, electric cars, most electronics.

So there's— I mean, look, there's no good— like gas, cobalt— there's no good outcome for your car really, right? Oil— it's— there's gonna be a shady way you're getting any of this, right?

Oil's probably the best, honestly.

Isn't that crazy that that's where we're at?

Yeah, well, it's also probably the best even though like the emissions aren't good. You know what's really bad? Brake dust. Brake dust is really bad too.

Why is that?

Electric cars are heavier, and electric cars give out more brake dust because the— like that shit that you wash if you wash your car, and the shit that's on the wheels, that stuff gets in your lungs. Like that stuff is all over cities. Like when you're driving, if you're in New York City and you're like beep beep bumper bumper, everyone's hitting the brakes, that's all brake dust. All that stuff goes So it's like this—

the air in New York is hilarious. You're like, you go to a place, it's like, I love— I'll die in New York. I adore New York to death. But like, you go to like Vancouver and you're like, why is the air so nice here? It's just crazy. You walk around New York enough and you're just like, why do I smell garbage every— and I, and I will fight for New York to the death. I— it's my favorite place in the world. But like, yeah, it's crazy.

Well, it's a trade-off. You want to stack all those people together like that, you gonna get exhaust fumes, brake dust, rats, garbage.

I had a rat in my fucking home last year. It's on a high floor. It's a very upsetting thing.

Electric cars make significantly less brake dust. Okay, but hold on, regenerative braking is only Teslas though.

No, it's not.

Yours does it?

Yeah.

But most of them aren't standard, right? You have to turn that on. Like, regenerative braking on Teslas is like standard.

on though. It's pretty easy.

Those self-driving cars, some of them are amazing. I was in Fiona Colley's car, you know Fiona, in Nashville, and she's got like a self-driving car. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, mine does that.

The technology—

my Tesla drives itself. I can like, when I'm leaving the club, I press a button.

Something scary I saw last night. I don't mean scary is not the right word, but it is. A guy was showing on Twitter that he could upload his own self-driving model or whatever, you know?

What?

What does that mean? Uh, for instance, you know how you could have your own LMM on your own computer and talk to your own agent, if you will, and it's separate from being online and it's not taking up all the resources? He was saying how he— I don't know if he downloaded it from GitHub or where he got it from, but he, he was in control of his own self-driving fucking model.

So wait, I don't understand how that works.

He, I—

he owns the car, I guess, you know, and Okay. Updated to his— hacking the software.

So he hacked into— what kind of an electric car was it?

Tesla.

So he hacked into his Tesla.

Yeah, he was showing the video of it. He didn't show the video of how he did everything, but he was showing the video of the car.

So what is him hacking into it so he can just do whatever he wants?

No, well, I mean, I don't know.

Drive his wife off a cliff is what he could do.

So I guess if you don't know—

We're gonna get some good Columbo episodes if they bring that shit back.

Not all Teslas have it.

Sorry to bother you.

That was fucking— that was a good Columbo.

Thank you.

It's a software subscription you have to pay for. And his response was like, well, I don't have to pay for it anymore because now I own it.

Is Robert Blake dead?

I don't think so.

Beretta?

I don't think he's dead, man. He was a— he's a piece of shit, huh?

There was a restaurant. Isn't it crazy how he's in the movie In Cold Blood?

He died in '23.

Oh, he died? All right, good.

There was a restaurant that was down the street from one place where I used to live that I used to go to was where he allegedly whacked his wife. Remember that whole story? Yeah, some guy in a hoodie came over. I forget the story.

And he plays the murderer in Cold Blood. Yeah, yeah, he's a piece of shit.

Wasn't— who did that movie? That was a weird movie.

I forgot.

But he had like white makeup on and stuff. He looked like really creepy.

Yeah, I think he was a dumb one too. There was a guy who was—

I'm confusing that with another movie.

No, that was a Capote book.

Yeah.

In Cold Blood. That was, that was a fucking amazing book.

His son is staging a murder mystery at the same restaurant where the—

Vitello's.

No, no.

This is a real heat check, dude.

No, no, no, no, no, no. In Cold Blood actor Robert Blake was accused of shooting his wife Bonnie Lee Blakely— Bakely to death in the parking lot of Vitello's Italian restaurant in Studio City in 2001. Now his son is staging a fictional murder mystery in the same eatery. That's—

It's a lot like O.J.'s If I Did It. It's a real heat check.

That's crazy.

L.A.'s fucking weird, dude.

That's crazy.

Well, $50.

You got to do what you got to do.

You don't have to do that, I guess.

No, you don't.

That's pretty dark.

He was found— he was acquitted in the murder but found liable in the civil case, also like O.J.

Mm-hmm. The daughter of both Blake and Bakley She first took her objections public Monday. She's going against her brother, denouncing the production on social media and pleading with followers, please help me shut down this show. That is crazy.

There was an obsession with true crime to a point now where it was like, come on, guys.

Ladies love it.

They love it. Yeah. I will say I like Forensic Files because there's closure and they solve— the Unsolved Mysteries ones, that's where I'm like, what are we doing?

I think ladies wanna know how murderous men think so that they can avoid them. I think that's the, like, like, what, what's going on? Like things on like The Night Stalker, like Richard Ramirez, like that documentary.

Exactly. Like that, he was a scary one.

Very scary. That's very popular with the ladies.

So it shows guys don't— we're not watching like Gilmore Girls. We're not like, we want to know how women think, you know. But, uh, but women— but we're a threat, so I get why they watch it. I mean, women are upset. And women— I'll date girls who just will like go to sleep right after watching. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, I don't understand how they do it. The Ramirez one, he was a scary Who was the guy that was on The Dating Game?

Forgot his name. It's like—

The video of him smiling. Oh dude, he's like such a fucking psycho.

But he had them all won over on that show. He charmed them. Rodney Alcala. That's right.

Goddamn.

Is that him in jail? Look at him. Look at him on trial. Look at his hair.

That's crazy. Oof.

Jesus Christ.

Christ, looks like Weird Al in that photo.

2010, he was sentenced. So when did he get arrested? What is the story behind Dating Game?

Oh, okay.

Dating— what's the title of it? Dating Game Killer Sentenced for 1970s Murder. In 2017, 2013, he got sentenced. Convicted California serial killer Ronnie Alcala, contestant on the Dating Game television show more than 30 years ago, was sentenced to 25 years to life in prison on Monday for murdering 2 New York women in the 1970s. Was this additional? Yeah, already on death row in California for killing 4 women.

So many people.

And a 12-year-old girl in that state, was extradited to New York. So this was when he was already in jail, and he was 69.

God, these fuckers get away with it forever.

That's a crazy ad to have in the middle of this.

Yeah, what the fuck is that ad?

It's crazy.

Jesus Christ, they're selling a shirt that says problem solved that has blood splattered all over it.

It's kind of obvious what it is.

It's his line. It's not obvious?

No, I mean, like, are— what are they— is it even selling that? It could be anything.

Click on it.

I don't want to.

Click on it.

I never click on these ads.

Click on it.

Goddammit.

Halloween, but make it your style.

Yeah, but you're not supposed to be a real murderer for Halloween. You're supposed to be like the Joker or something fun. Fuck. You're not supposed to go as Rodney Alcala.

Who's buying shirts that have splatter all over them? What kind of an outfit are you wearing?

I don't like that. Some of these Halloween costumes freak me the fuck out, dude. I stay the fuck in on Halloween.

I like it when girls use it as an opportunity to be a hoe.

Of course. I mean, that's— A slutty nurse. They're playing with the crowd right here. We love it. Yeah, but when you're doing like weird shit, when dudes start eking you out, especially in New York, dude, there's people doing like weird shit. And you're like, same feeling I get when I see a dude with like a backpack at the movie theater. I'm like, oh, come on, dude, right? You're making— you know you're making us uneasy, right?

Right. You shouldn't be able— they should have a metal scanner.

They absolutely should. Yeah, I'm not for more security, but at the same time, like, I want to relax in a movie.

I like going to the Yeah, the mask thing is nuts, man, because so many people could just wear masks now. It used to be if someone wore a mask and they walked into a bank, it was crazy. Yeah, but now you can't even question them because they— it might be a COVID issue.

How many people are robbing banks these days? That must be like—

I wonder.

I wonder, because it's like, that feels like hard to do. It feels like this, like the '80s, or like a small town, and you know.

Well, especially with like flock cameras and all that shit.

It feels so hard to do now.

How many bank robberies are there per year? Let's guess. In the United States.

I'm gonna guess like 20. That might be crazy.

In the whole country?

Is that crazy? Like a real robbery?

I'm gonna say 200.

You're probably closer.

It happens.

Credit unions and shit.

People get away.

Well, yeah, I'm talking in person. I'm talking in person with a gun. I'm not talking like some sort of like weird wire fraud thing.

What about if they show up with a letter that says I have a bomb? Is that okay? That count?

Does that— yeah, we'll count it.

That counts. Okay.

So maybe it's higher. I'll go 50.

Okay, I'm saying 200.

But I think you're right. I still think you're right.

I think there's a lot of like small credit unions and weird places and weird—

Way up? Way up? 1,000?

Yeah, so higher.

2,000?

I mean, it's like 1,300.

Wow, I'm fucking way off.

Whoa. I even attempted bank robberies.

Per year?

Yeah, 1,362 bank violations. Including 1,263 robberies.

But it's way down. Like, you watch a movie like Point Break now and you're like, that's like a period piece. That's not—

'92, there's almost 10,000.

Yeah, it is a fucking nutty thing to have like a building that has all the money in it.

Well, it's go— it's becoming less and less, right? Everything's becoming more and more digital. Think about how muggings must be down just from people not carrying cash.

Yeah, people just want your phones. They get your Bitcoin wallet.

Yeah, I mean I mean, God, it's— or they do the one where they kind of— they're able to scan your card somehow or something, right?

Yeah, they can— your RFID chip.

It's all digital theft now.

Well, yeah, they also can get you at the gas station, you know, they put those, those things.

Or it's just people like getting close to you. I had a guy steal 3 years of Facebook money from me.

Really?

Yeah.

How'd he do that?

He was a social media manager. I didn't realize he stole my fucking money. I wasn't paying attention. I'm managing so many things. He stole from other comics too. He stole from Norman Ford and—

Oh, you had him managing your stuff?

Yeah, because I don't want to deal with that shit. But he— yeah, but he was just— he put it directly into his account. I was like— and they made it on Facebook where it's like really hard to get it back in your name. You need to go through all these procedures. So it took me— I wouldn't have gotten it back if I didn't know a guy at Facebook. I have a friend who used to work there.

How did you know the guy?

Norman was like, you should use this guy. I'm like, thanks, Mark. Didn't fucking apologize, by the way. Mark got out of it, and I was like, this guy's weird. Mark's like, oh yeah, that guy's a piece of shit. It's like, oh, thanks.

Yeah, all those people are weird.

He took from a lot of comics.

Yeah, well, if they think comics are not paying attention, makes sense.

We're not. We're fucking— I'm thinking of the next joke. I'm not thinking about my fucking money.

I'm not thinking about Facebook money. Like, how much money are you even talking about?

It's not crazy, but it's, it's enough. 3 years ends up being substantial.

Yeah, it's real money. It's real theft. The guy get in trouble? No, nothing.

I mean, I'll do something.

Probably doing Theo stuff right now.

Someone did to Theo too. I messaged Theo.

I was like, is this—

is He goes, I messaged Theo. I was like, this guy steal from you? And Theo goes, was he black? And I was like, no. And he's like, nah, it wasn't him.

Yeah, he just went through something. Yeah, there's a lot of those guys like that because you, you have to give up your account to them in order for them to run it.

It's almost— I'm not gonna say it's worth it, but it's almost worth it just not having to deal with shit. I just want to— I just want to like live a normal life and go to the store and get coffee and think of jokes and do shit. I don't—

There should be an AI that does that. for you, which makes more sense because the problem with a person doing it is like that person could also like send DMs on your behalf.

Oh dude, I mean, look at Dane Cook. His own fucking brother took from him, right?

Yeah.

I mean, it could be— anyone could do it, but I think—

Not only his brother took from him, he never recovered the money, and his brother went on a trip across the country. They don't know what he did. They think his brother might have like stored the— I think he just did a documentary on his brother.

Yeah, looks good.

Here's the first AI agent mishap.

Meta user says Muse AI gave out his address, agreed to pickup he never approved. Muse AI agent sold his keyboard on Facebook Marketplace at a lowball price, shared his address with the buyer, and set up a late-night pickup, all without his approval. It's trying to get him killed.

It's fucking Yeah, no, I mean, there's too much to think about. There's too much to manage. I can't deal with all this shit.

Yeah, it's weird.

It stresses me out. I mean, you must have a million things you give to other people to do, right?

I don't— I try not to think about much.

True.

Because it's too much to think about. I— so I just focus on doing the podcast, doing comedy shows.

That's what success is. You try to get away. I mean, someone like you, you're like, I just want to show up and Work on this shit.

I think the more you micromanage that stuff, the more it fucks with your head too. It just— that becomes— it becomes a part of your focus and it just steals from all your other focus.

Totally. Yeah, no, I want to think about— that's to me is like luxury, is like less stuff I have to worry about. And I just want to—

100%.

I want to just like live life and enjoy life.

Word. All right, dude, um, Netflix, new special.

Yes, Sam Morel, encouraged.

awesome. I've heard great reviews. I have not watched it yet, but I've heard great stuff.

Give it a watch.

You're a funny motherfucker. I'm sure it's awesome.

It's my best. I'll say it's my— it's either my best or my second best. I'll say it's, it's, it's like, it's hard to top that YouTube one I did in 2020 because I was so fucking hungry and angry at the world. But, uh, this one's— it's really good. I took a little longer with this one and I shot it in the Tampa Theater. Gorgeous theater. Uh, 3 shows, ton of fun.

Oh, that's nice.

I threw on a nice blazer. Come on.

3 shows is a smart move.

It's a move. I got to do at least 3.

Yeah, you get loosened up.

Yeah, and the crowd was so— Tampa crowds are fucking great.

Tampa's awesome.

That theater is one of the most gorgeous theaters, and I got in right before they renovated it, so I was like, I got all the kinks and the dirt in it. It's such a fun place to tape.

A lot of swingers in Tampa.

Yeah, dude, they're wild. Hopefully my girlfriend stopped listening. Yeah, no, what? Swingers? What?

A whole group of swingers came to one of my shows once, and they were telling me, and they all looked like nobody wanted to be there. to swing with, of course.

Of course.

But it was just very—

It's like a nude beach. Like, you like tits, and then you're like, oh, tits.

It's just very odd.

Not good.

That they were all grouped up. Like, and then that you said the same thing. Like, it's very odd they were all grouped in this one place.

Yeah, I mean, it's just a place I was like, I've never done a special in like Florida or anything. So I was like, let me just mix it up. And Tampa's always been good to me. I played a club there coming up called Side Splitters that always treated me really well. And I was like, let me do it. Let me— also, you know when you're touring and you clock a theater, you're like, I really like this theater.

Yeah.

There were 2 others that I clocked that I was like, I'm gonna come. One is the Bijou in Knoxville and the other is the Moore in Seattle. There are 2 theaters I just like, like, these are beautiful. The vibe is right.

You know what I thought about doing? Fox in Detroit.

Ooh, that's a really nice one.

That's a good one. That's an old school one too. That place, they have one of their columns that is replaced and the one that was there before is yellow from cigarette smoke.

Yes.

That's how old it is.

Detroit's great too. I mean, it's a great comedy city. It's like a real city.

It's a real Real city. Gritty.

The Midwest is great for— I always shout out the Omaha Funny Bone. That's where I always work out. I try to build back up, Colleen.

Oh, really?

I love that club. They say Omaha is where they test a new fast food item. So like if Taco Bell or McDonald's, like, we're gonna try a new thing because it's so representative of America. So I'm like, well, by that logic, it should be great to test new jokes.

Yeah.

So I love Omaha Funny Bone. Like, yeah, right now I'm on tour and I'm just like trying clubs and I'm building building back. It's such a miserable process, but you're building back up, and you go to the places you always want to go, like Madison, or like Cleveland Hilarities is great. All these clubs are such great clubs. So you build back up, and it's, it's, it's a humbling but fun process, you know?

We're lucky as fuck, dude.

We're very lucky.

We're lucky we get to do this. It's the funnest job.

I feel lucky, man.

For sure. I'm glad you do, because you're very appreciative of it. It's very apparent.

Sorry, my Columbus pride won't let you take that away from us.

Oh, you're from Columbus as well? I'm going there, I'm going there.

Is that where they do the test?

I'm going there early next year. I'm hitting the Funny Bone there. I love that.

Another great place.

I love Columbus. Is great too.

Columbus is awesome. Let's wrap it up.

Sweet.

Good to see you, brother. Great to see you. How long you in town for?

I leave tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon.

Okay. You doing Kill Tony tonight?

I'm not, I'm not. Okay. I'm fucking burnt.

I hear you. All right. Uh, website, all that jazz, people wanna find you?

Yeah, just my name, Sam Moran.

Okay, bye everybody.