Welcome to the Big Suey, presented by DraftKings. Why are you listening to this show? The podcast that seems very similar to the other Dan Lebitard podcast. I'm sorry.
I'm not going to apologize for that.
In fact, the only difference seems to be this imaging.
I have been tempted in restaurants just walking past tables to grab somebody's fries if they're just there. That hasn't happened to you guys? I've done it.
And now, here's the marching band to nowhere, Fatface and the Pitchou a Liar.
This episode of the Dan Lebitard Show is presented by DraftKings. Draftkings, the Crown is yours.
I cannot remember the last time I was as scared around sports. It had to have been heat-related. It had to have been at the beginning of whatever that was. But as scared as I was when the voice for college football, Chris Fowler for Generation on video games, just barks, and Miami has completely unraveled the ice that blew through me where I'm like, No, how did I care like this That now it's late hits and their entire secondary is out of the game? And at the end of the game, they did not know what they're doing. They had to burn a time out because they had so many secondary players. One of them gets ejected, and so they're stuck with a whole bunch of They're stuck with a whole bunch of guys in the secondary who shouldn't even be out there, and they're out there for the last five minutes.
The receivers that were there trips to that side. They were switching sides. So one receiver would go to the other side like that shell game, and then all of a sudden, the DPRs are looking at each other like, Am I going here?
You're going there? What about you? You're not making it time. You were What are you doing? You're taking it down. That's so great. Lane Kiffin's assistance put together in a couple of days. As soon as Miami's backup secondary got in the game, all of a sudden, oh, look, they can't be stopped.
Hey, how about cover the tight end? The guy was on the corner rounds.
He's 300 pounds.
You can't see him?
He's massive. The guy's just running naked out there. He's catching balls, catching the toucher.
Wasn't anybody within 15 yards? They were playing with a secondary that was never supposed to be in that position.
Who's got the tight end? I don't know. The fourth time he's caught in a pass.
Chris, there's a lot of specifics around the game that I want to get into. I also understand that it's a giant football weekend. We've got five straight days of football playoffs that started last night with that and a huge bunch of interesting things this weekend. But I've also got Zaz here, and I don't know whether Damoshek wants to talk about the Miami game or whether he wants to talk about the NFL. But I'd like to take Zazlo and Damoshek and see if we can make both of them more Cuban, to have them be more Cuban representatives. We need Mendoza to win tonight. I don't know that I've ever rooted for a team outside of us. I don't care about anything here but storyline. Please give me the Cuban Super Bowl. Please give me the ability to explain to people the difference between Jeremy and Tony and why Tony might not respect Jeremy and the Arts. What? Well, I don't think… Tony, we have a real chance to teach America about what Cuban you are and what Cuban Zazl can probably try to explain to people Cristobal is.
We can pass Zazl for a Cuban uncle, for sure. Come on. As long as he doesn't say anything, we got him. I know three guys that look like Zazel right now.
So do drinker bodies.
Exactly right. With the bald head, respectfully. With the bald head, with the look, big head. But if we put a cigar on that guy with a una guayabera and a little gorrita, this guy is locked. We can take him to Calle 8 and just pretend he's mudo.
Yo, shout out to Jesse.
No, don't talk.
My uncle, he can't speak. Tony, we got a chance with your dad to explain to people what Cristobal is. We do have a chance because it's the same family of stuff. And I'm guessing your dad, who can kick my ass, your dad-Respectfully, yeah.
So we're just punting on getting Cristobal this week?
No, I can get him.
I believe that.
If we pitch-I can get him.
I would argue that this last hour and a half, not helping our case.
I know Zaz could get him. You know how I know? Because he got him.
Zazlo, what do I do from a creative standpoint? Do I go to Damosheck in the NFL, or do I stay with the University of Miami? Because this story comes around for a week, one time every 20 years.
I mean, are you kidding me? We stay with the hurricanes. That shit last night was awesome. Are you crazy? We keep talking about the hurricanes here. I was watching the game last night. I watched it in a bar here. I'm at the Peach Bowl, of course. I watched it at a bar here. And by the way, I'm not going to repeat the hotel that I'm at because I was getting calls in the middle of the night.
Of course, you're an idiot.
Why would you do that? That was obnoxious. You're mad of the people.
That's why.
Yeah. And the light is still blinking on the phone here in the hotel. I haven't even listened to the messages. All right. But that was poor form. Poor form on my part. Hold on.
As a bit, though, you need to record all the voicemails and then play them for us.
Of course. No, we must. What you did yesterday while- So stupid. No, yes, while dumb, while extraordinarily dumb, daring our audience to find you while giving them the hotel and thinking your lame pseudonym would- Xaxivate. We got Pablo Tori Finds Out fans. Come on, Zaz. Pick up your game.
Wait, where is that?
How did they get my alias?
Damoshek, what would you advise us? Because I've told people, Football America is a great show, and I'm positive that whatever enthusiasm you have for this weekend, Damoshek didn't have enough time. Probably could have made an episode seven times as long, just an interesting story lines. What should I do here, Damoshek? Because I think I should stay with the University of Miami, too.
Well, you got the U. I'm very excited for all of you. Muzzle-tough, as they say in Havana. That's not what they say in Havana. There are the NFL playoffs. Perhaps the Wild Card Round, perhaps, is the greatest weekend in sports if the divisional round of the NFL Playoffs isn't. Option C, we could talk about the Red Hot Pittsburgh Penguins? Six straight. Look out, the Wales Conference Finals is coming. Florida Panthers, Pittsburgh Penguins. Revenge, finally, for 1996, what happened. Listen, I think, Dan, what you're wishing I don't know if I understand the wisdom behind it. I understand it from a content, from a narrative standpoint, and I can scream it as an Indiana Hoosier's fan, Vamos los huracanes, pero Fernando también. I think this is going to be a spiritual nightmare for you if it happens, right?
Well, I just want Tony- I want to play in this part. I want Tony to have the avenue to explain through Zaz and others what this representative of Cuban Miami is The difference is between... You guys understand we're headed for Cristobal wandering into this game with a club in his hands being, I will chew to death anybody who's in my face. Get off of me, Jason Taylor. Don't hug me. I'm going to kill that Mendoza kid and all of the weakness that our generation spawned.
You nailed it. There it is right there.
No, but Mendoza doesn't know shit about winning football at this level. I was fighting Cortez Kennedy at the Does Fernando Mendoza know who Cortés Kennedy is?
He's a big hardo and all that is Cristobal. It's good and fun stuff. I just think that everybody is seeing the Incredibles, right? I know Zaz has with his little ones. The Bad guy, the bad kids, the why of the toe-headed kid.
Wait, wait, wait. Zaz, have you seen the Incredibles?
You know I have a big movie guy.
No, you're not a big movie guy. That's why I had to stop Dave Demish in the middle of his speech.
Well, but you're stopping everyone at odd turns today.
If justice were served, that would have won the Oscar for best picture in the year it was released. It's Dynamite stuff. Either way, the bad guy in it says, When everyone is super, no one is. And as far as that goes, Miami residents who love football and love the U and are Cuban and want to root for Fernando Mendoza are not allowed. I am laying it down right now. You choose one or the other. When everyone is super, no one is. You do not win in either situation. Put your marker down here and now. Are you with the U or are you with Fernando? Choose.
Everyone is Cuban. No one is. That's what he's saying.
Basically, yeah, I guess so.
Let's go out to- You know what it is? You know It's the UV2.
T-u. The UV2.
Can you explain to me what it is that you just reacted to right there?
What is U-V-2? T-u?
Yeah, you got It's not it.
No, the way that you fell out of your chair because Damoshek, yammering endlessly, doesn't see that I'm trying to throw it to Jeremy and just has to get one more-It was a good joke. It was worth it. Ill-timed. It was a good joke. A great joke. Yes, a good joke, but he needs to give me the space to throw the thing out to Jeremy so he can be taught how to be Cuban. Instead, what he ends up doing is he ends up going for the joke and trampling me. So let's go out to Jeremy right now because Damoshek, this is- Delicate feelings already.
The game's not until Monday night, Dan. It's going to be a long wait for you if you're this stressed out already.
Because you made him choose, Damoshek. He doesn't want to choose.
Me too.
Go ahead, Dan.
Eat you. Jeremy, what are you doing out there and what do we need to learn about what you're doing out there?
So, Dan, I've created a Venn diagram here, as we Cubans love to do, explaining the different types of Cubans. So over here on one side, you have folks like Mario Cristobal, Alex Mirabal, Tony, Pippo, Pappie, Louis. That's one type of Cuban, one type of Cuban representation. Then over here, Dan, it's Fernando Mendoza. It's you. And it's me and my brother who are over here. This is also where every Cuban who actually goes to the University of Miami would go. These are the Cubans who don't go to the University of Miami. But what you have in the middle-I don't like the way he said that. Are the people who can play both sides. Jorge Sedano would over here. But George Hollywood Sedano, he's over here with me and you. Mike Ryan, when he talks about Nascar, over here with me and you. But when he's talking UN football- Mike Ruiz. Over on this side. And Marco Rubio, I mean, that guy plays both sides.
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It sounds to me like everybody could use a hug because a hug is always the right size. Stugatz. All I have put in my My body today is three cups of coffee and an entire cup of honey.
Don't let him fool you. He said in the break that he's jittery.
This is the Don Levatard show with the Stugatz.
When is Mike Ryan going to appear on the show? People want to hear from Mike Ryan, and I didn't know where we were with locating Mike Ryan. He's in the air right now.
He took off at He took off from Phoenix at 9: 00 AM our time, so it doesn't really work out.
My guess is that he's as happy as he's ever been after a sporting event because this is the only team that he's financially and emotionally invested in this way. For the people who actually remember the best parts of what Cristobal remembers about the University of Miami campus itself, the community of people around that school, even with people who don't go to that school, who spend on that school, are the people who keep it afloat on that corner of Coral and develop real community there. Mike Ryan's family life is embedded in the fabric of trying to make that school matter. He helped make them better over the last five years because he's in the business of helping make them better.
I think it's an interesting point, too, is Miami's school is FIU. By volume of sheer people that go to the school. University of Miami is a very small school, private institution, cost a lot of money to go. You have to have really good grades to go. And the push, the love that people have that didn't even go to the school shows you how much a connection point it is for the community. Because what other school around the country is like, Oh, yeah, it's a small school this big, and everybody loves it that lives in the city.
Usc.
I was just about to say that. Yeah, USC is one of them in Los Angeles, and for many of the same reasons, because a school is a symbol for its community. But what I'm telling you about what's... Thank you for pointing out that part of it, because it's another reason that Mario Cristopal and my father and whatever it is that raised them, it has a Cuban stereotype caricature. We all recognize the man. They're all very similar. They were animals about ambition, and nothing else mattered. It's Sadana Cedano learned at that knee. Just a whole bunch of people. Jorge or George. See, that's a good question. He went Hollywood, and I'm guessing- Green juice. No, but he'd connect with Cristobal a hell of a lot better than I would because he was- Yeah, because he's been on a show. He's better at faking it. He's more Cuban than I am. No, Sedano is more Cuban than I am.
Yes, Cedano is.
But he also knows how to like, All right, where am I right now?
Who do you need me to be here?
It's a skill. We're drinking green juice now? Okay, I'll be George Zadana.
You're saying that George is a chameleon? How dare you.
I said it as a compliment.
Oh, wherever I'm at, I can be who you need me to be.
How do we teach Damoshek and Zazlo to be more Cuban? Is Jeremy doing this? Was that helpful, Jeremy? Did you guys find Jeremy helpful, Damoshek?
Oh, see.
I don't know yet about Damoshek. I don't know what he's doing. I'm on to him, though.
I like it.
I'm on to him, though.
You could totally pass for Cuban right there just with CC. These are very limited- That was passable for you, huh?
No.
Cuidado, Dan. Cuidado.
Zazla, do you understand what Jeremy's saying there?
I do. I'd like to know, what was the strategic move of where he placed me outside the bubble?
Well, you're just trying to get in. I mean, you're sitting right here, and once you do, you would be here. You have to earn your way over to this side if you're trying to get toward the Tony type of Cuban. But what Damosheck brought up, the people who say Mazel tov in Little Havana, that's my grand My grandparents were born and raised in actual Havana, Cuba. Also Jews, Jubans.
Warren Sapp always says that his classmates called him Saperstein.
How did I get in? I've See, I'm in the bubble right there.
Honorary Cuban.
Yeah, Tony made sure that you were there.
I bestowed that upon you a couple of times.
Oh, thank you. How did Amin get in there?
Because Tony wanted him there.
Lots of pica deal.
Okay, so you're just- No raisons in mind.
He loves to plan breakfast-No raisons in mind.
Wait a He loves the Kendall Flane.
No raises in mind. Break this long. He loves the Kendall Flane. He's bestowed an honorary Cuban, like an honorary doctorate. We gave Amin, I talked to the congregation, we gave Amin, honorary Cuban.
Not only honorary Cuban, but on the good side, on the Cristobal side, not on the artist side.
Good side.
I think it's great from an outsider's perspective, something I was not particularly steeped in, but now I am listening to you guys and experiencing all of you, the three-headed monster of Florida College football and the rise of the trio of teams at about the same time. I know that Florida State was maybe a tick ahead of the U and Florida's bounce back and all of that. I love listening to you guys talk about the routing interests and all of that. I don't think football America at large is as tuned into it. And Zaz, I think what you express is exactly what... Obviously, that exists regionally. I grew up in Pittsburgh. A lot of people go to Penn State and how you root Pitt v. Penn State. When it comes down to it, I've always said people ask me as a Pitt lover and IU grad, who would you root for in the final four between those two? And I was like, That's not an intellectual choice. I have to be in the moment, and my heart and gut will tell me what the answer is to that. If the You and the Gators played in a big spot, you think you know you would go U over your alma mater?
I would because, again, best for business. I mean, I'm on- That's your business.
What talk is that?
This guy's Cuban.
This guy started being Cuban right there. No one is listening to Zazlo Show 2. 0 to hear about the Florida Gators. They're listening to hear about Miami Hurricanes. So if the hurricanes are successful, Dave, that's best for business.
Yeah, but what Dan's touching on is that's the heart of it. I would go pit even over my alma mater because of the roots to go back to my old man and going to the games with my old man and Pit Stadium and all of that stuff. That outstrips my half-decade at Indiana University, where I didn't still love. And all my house are at the Beach Bowl with you as we speak.
Listen, Bobby, I hear what you're saying.
Cuidado, Zaz. Cuidado, you, too.
I guess we know what side.
Watch out, and you?
I slipped up. All right.
Again, these are my two Cuban uncles. They're both mute. They can't speak.
This is so good, though, Tony. There's a pig out back. Okay?
We're coming. Yo soy caliente.
Keep cooking, Dave. Let's put it in your backyard, okay? I don't know if you did pigs out back or not. One of my favorite highlights was bringing... Cornheiser's bus came through into a very small Cuban neighborhood to be in the backyard of one of those pig rows. The uncles who have had 14 beers in and they had too much to drink as they started at 11: 00 AM and aren't saying anything, they're just standing there. They looked like Zaz.
Yeah, 100%. Zaz can pass. If we put Zaz again in una and we put him on with a little straw hat and a cigar with loafers, but with socks on, dude, that guy can stand by like a hachina and not say a word and be completely in.
Did you go to high school with Cuban kids? Were you playing basketball against Cuban kids as well? You must have learned more about this than Stugats ever did.
Yeah, I mean, yes, Stugats went to high school in New York, right? I went to high school at North Miami Beach Senior High. Of course, that was my whole school.
Yeah, absolutely. Can we make him Cuban? Cazuela? Is that what he said?
I have in the Zazlo mansion closet. I have.
Say that again.
I think there's an update. Jeremy is updating his board out there. Yeah, Zazlo has been moved into the literal right side of things. Right in the middle of it? Yeah. We heard what he had to say. If he's all about business there, he's been removed from the outside looking in. How about that? Over here on the left with me and Dan, and he's been moved to the proper side where he deserves to be.
Does that mean Damoshek is over there with you and Dan?
I think Damoshek is on the other side of the board at the moment, but he'll get over there. He's working hard.
What if I put the crosses on my I knew that O'Mis had no shot in that game when I saw Carson Beck show up with the double crosses, making a plea to the big man upstairs if Cristobal didn't do it enough. Now, listen, I saw Shambles also before the big play. Got you. I find that a little disconcerting if I were the head coach, if I were calling in the play. The whole season comes down to this one, and the Qby has time and is lucid enough about his faith that he takes a beat to you and me, big guy. All right, let's run the point. If not, now when?
Damoshek is the most important play of the game.
I guess so.
Yeah, Damoshek is on our side. Maybe you do one before the game.
Talk about playing both sides of it. What about Jesus? I mean, everybody's making their big ploy to him. Whose side was he on? I guess Miami is.
Clearly the good guys.
I guess so.
Put it on the poll as Jesus playing both sides? Way to go, Damoshek. Way to go. All right? Honestly, what do you mean?
He loves football. That's what's clear. They keep talking to him. They keep asking, they keep thanking him for everything that happens.
Damoshek, what are you What are you alleging? You alleged that the analysis of that game, this young man who pray with his mother before a game, that he would saddle up and say, All right, God, now we ride. You think that's presumptuous?
Or that's faithful?
That's faithful.
I don't know what game Jesus is playing, but you saw Sunday Night Football. You saw Derrick Henry, another guy. He has the big cross. He got lamp blacks on the big cross, but that's not enough. He also wears a cute little nose ring cross as well. Not enough to save the Baltimore Ravens and Tyler Luke making that kick. Why? Because Jesus blocked it. Why did he do that? I don't know. He worked in mysterious ways, but he did clearly.
No. All right, put it on.
That was quite the gust.
Quite the gust to win there on that kick.
First off, did Luke salute the big man upstairs? I didn't see it. Did he?
All right. Put it on the poll.
His predecessor did a lot. Oh, boy. A lot.
He wouldn't have missed that one.
Put it on the poll. Look at that. See? Put it on the poll. Did Jesus Christ block Loops' field goal to deny Derek Henry the playoffs? Was it Jesus Christ block... Chris, you're going to keep doing the blowing. You're making him Superman. Quite a gust. You're making Jesus have the breadth of Superman.
Jesus, according to Chris, is blowing it. In my mind, Jesus is running out there and just swatting it like that old Stuart Scott commercial. With sandals on.
Like an Angels in the outfield, Christopher Lloyd?
No. Literally on the field affecting the ball.
I think about it like Stuart Scott in that sports center commercial where he's playing with the little kids, and then he just swats it into the fifth row. That's how I got Jesus doing that. He's sprinting, he's got the robe, he's got sandals on, and then here comes the ball. Get that shit out of here.
Robe and sandals. So you have him dominating athletics and sandals.
And then he does the LeBron stomp.
How good would he be... You know what? Instead of Adam Schefter everybody else who just pretends to know stuff in advance, why don't we get Jesus on a pregame? Oh, my God.
He'd be the best.
Oh, he'd be terrific. I can get a Jesús on the Cuban pregame.
He can make that Twitter account. On the pregame shows, they all wear cocktail hour attire, and so he'd fit in beautifully with his stylish mood.
It's a great idea.
Jesus on the side with me and Dan, Jesús on the side with Tony.
I do believe that we should absolutely be making the content of Jesus Christ, Color Commentator and just seeing how it is that that character breaks down studio analytics.
He'd also say Mazel tov in Havana.
All right. So the issue that I have here, Dameschek, and I can do a show for seven hours today, okay? Because all of this is- This again. Well, it's just crack. It's just crack. Football right now, the playoffs have started. Look, man, the University of Miami played Ole Miss in a game that mattered and felt like olden times as Minor League football now leads us into Major League football, five days of playoffs. You're going to get ransacked by important football over the next five days. Everything that was happening yesterday felt professional, except for how Miami was playing.
Well, the other thing that undermines it all, and I don't mean to steal from your excitement, sincerely, I think it's great. I think the fan bases that are the most euphoric and the ones that I saw... If you're a Cleveland Browns fan or a Detroit Lions or whatever, and you've never gotten over the pump, that's certain angst. I think where you are, Dan, I've always associated you from a great distance from the You documentary, you are one of the faces of that program during its rise and all of that. And the long wait out in the desert to return to being relevant is as sweet as it gets. I had a guy on my show, my old pal, who's a 49ers fan, and I always say, Well, you're one of the haves. What are you complaining about the 49ers? You don't get to do that. He said, Do you know if you're 40 or younger and a Niners It's the greatest pain of all. We hear the stories, but we have no visceral attachment to any of those things. So to see it return to come all the way back around, I completely get it.
I assume I know why you're over the moon about it, Dan. I think it's great stuff. But that being said, it's a little undermined by the fact that all miss his coaching staff may or may not have shown up for the game. It was a little like, This is the greatest tournament ever. I don't know, Oregon's entire backup, secondary, transferred midweek. I don't know if the intensity is matched by the actual participants.
If we're going to actually talk Zazlo, because you're at the Beach Bowl and because we're doing these imperfect measurement systems to determine champions, like the Asana- Jesus is imperfect?
Excuse me.
Oh, boy. Put that on a headline. Dan Levatard. Jesus, not perfect.
Put it on the poll.
Dan Levatard.
It's a Judge coach, sweetie.
Stugatz.
I just got to say hello.
This is the Dan Levatard show with the Stugatz.
Who's going to be the character around here that plays Jesus Christ as the sports? Do you realize how funny that would be?
There's only one Jew in the room.
Sitting next to grunk as Jesus Christ having takes on the breakdowns of football. The University of Miami playing that football game last night, you're hearkening back to a time where the college stuff felt professional. Everything that's happened here with Lane Kiffin, I'd actually I'd like both of you to break this down for me- Separately. In a sports way. Yes, Damosheck, you first. Explain this part to me, okay? If we're going to spend so much time talking about Lane Kiffin, his genius, how important he is, his play calling, and everything else, and if that game is going to be decided so that if pass interference had been called or gets called today, you wouldn't be surprised if Mississippi advanced because pass interference was called. If we're going to make Lane Kiffin a guy who's worth that much money, doesn't it stand to reason that everyone listening this would understand that if Lane Kiffin was coaching that game, he would give you a advantage that would represent the result that is the difference between winning and losing when the game is that close? What is Lane Kiffin worth? If we can't say flatly he would have won that game because whatever the advantages were that he had, he would be able to win by one score because he's the great Lane Kiffin.
. No, I'm sorry. I think that But you're absolutely right, and that's the Shakespearean tragedy of it, much like his predecessor running down the Baton Rouge because he thought he couldn't win the big one, it's out bend, and then Marcus Freeman got the Irish much closer to winning a national championship than Brian Kelly did. Lane Kiffin bails right on the eve of that team maybe winning the national championship. I completely agree with you. He had to be absolutely sick. I think that's a fun question. What What was Lane Kiffin really rooting for? I don't think it's good if they win that without him, right?
That's a great question.
It's a great question. It's like Stefansky. Stefansky's biggest win with the Browns is, and you could say, Well, they went into Pittsburgh and beat the Steelers in a playoff game. I mean, whoever thought that was possible as a Cleveland Brown fan, except people sometimes forget Stefansky had COVID and was literally in his Cleveland basement when that went on. Lane Kiffin watching this one, it's even worse. What's the answer to that? This would be a day win.
Saz, what do you think the answer to both of those questions is?
I think Lane Kiffin was the big winner last night. Who cares about Lane getting the bonuses, which LSU was going to pay, by the way. Every time Ole Miss wins, LSU pays Lane Kiffin money. Who cares about the bonus is, Lane Kiffin now gets to say, Yeah, they couldn't win without me. I don't think he was rooting for them at all this postseason, so they couldn't win without him. It was a close game. And if they wind up winning a close game without him, then it's like, Hey, why did we pay this guy all of this money to come over here? So I think Lane comes out smelling like roses after last night's game, and he gets to take with him to LSU now, Hey, they couldn't do without me. That's why I'm here. There's no way you're going to hurt me.
The NFL news, it never stops. The new GM in South Florida, Dolphins are finalizing a deal to hire Packer's VP of Player Personnel, John Eric Sullivan, as their general manager of sources. I don't know that fool. According to Adam Schefter.
What happened to the $50 million to John Harbaugh?
That's the GM. He still could do that.
He still do that? Yeah, sure. Okay.
Hey, may I say, who canceled that you guys are falling all over yourselves for John Harbaugh?
I understand he had a real good run and a lengthy one in Baltimore, but are you paying attention to the fine print here? The idea I get also that you're coming off of a very severe personification of the clever offensive coordinator, and so now you have to swing hard back in the other direction. You want a foreman, a great overseer of all things football operations, not really an Xs and O's guy. But man, oh, man, I really think if the assumption is not just from the teams falling all over themselves to get John Harbaugh, he thinks he's going to walk in to, say, Cleveland or Miami and get the same results that he had in nice and stable and loaded up in terms of talent. Baltimore, I think both sides have another thing coming. You know who agrees with me? This guy.
There he is, the man, the myth, the legend himself. Did you see who that was, Dan?
He's a man and a myth.
Was that Jesus in a pencil? I don't know what that was. I don't know what he was. What was that?
You know what? I found him. Was it Jesus? We went to the amusement park around the holidays, as Jews do. I found this guy sitting on a bench, me and Jean-Claude Van Dameschek were just sitting there having some fries or whatever. We were like, Look at this. It's Jesus Christ. But he's a toy. He's a man. He's a myth. He's a legend. And now he's a toy.
Zazlo, the Lane Kiffin question, though, if we were to try and do it empirically, what's he worth that... We could say now that LSU just cost Mississippi the Championship if you believe a coach is worth anything. Because a bunch of guys doing half a job, they almost took out Miami when Miami was clearly better in every way. In one of the flukiest results you will have ever seen because Miami almost coughed up a game to a bunch of coaches who were working part-time. That almost happened last night. I'm still expecting Carson Beck to be sacked, turn it over, and interception so that I could be doing the show. Why are you throwing in that circumstance?
Yeah, that's the point right there is, Ole Miss got dominated, and they were still in the lead late in the fourth quarter. And they wind up losing. Lane gets to walk away and say, Yeah, that's why you hired me. You see how much I'm worth over there? We were so good over there that even when we played bad, we're in the game. You don't think we would have won if I was still the coach? Are you kidding me? That's why I'm here now. No, Lane's a huge winner, man.
Not joy as relief for Lane, right? Yeah. Oh, thank the toy named Jesus, that they didn't win that game without me because now it can… I mean, it ruins my debut in Baton Rouge.
Yeah, totally. Yeah, because if you had it as joy, I would ask you, you're calling him a liar when he tweets out, Amazing effort and grit, Ole Miss football, best season ever in the history of Ole Miss. Heart emoji, love guys, and then a heartbreak gif, which is weird.
He also tweeted that it was pass interference at the end.
Offensive pass interference.
Give me until the of the day, this is going to get called. I believe there's a chance that while we're on the air today, there's a ruling from some conference somewhere, and they're going to bring out that wet sock from the NCA again. He's going to say, You know what? It was past interference.
He was totally holding the Canes defender His arm down. He was hooking his arm.
That's correct. They let it all go at the end because somebody could... Look, I've seen people shive other people. At the end of that game, whether it's 30 yards out or 50 yards out, you're allowed to do whatever the hell you want. Everybody's jumping up for the ball, and it's just chaos. We're not going to call pass interference. Otherwise, every play in that sport would just be to throw the ball 50 yards and see if you could get pass interference.
That's right. They really are. The bottom line is Dan is right. He's trying to take the lesser of two evils with this. It is PI, but what are you going to do? Are you going to start throwing that flag in big spots at the end of the event?
No, but Damoshek, look, the part that's funny to me about this is the team that was poorly coached doesn't have Lane Kiffin. Eighteen seconds They could have won that football game. That was an eternity, by the way. No, but if I told you that that happened to any coaches anywhere, how did you let them get down the field in 18 seconds? What incompetent are you? How much better would Lane Kiffin had made their 18-second offense than their throwing into the end zone at the end of the game because Chris Fowler is yelling, and Miami has completely unraveled.
By the way, I love Chris Fowler. I love Chris Fowler. But on the pass interference, that was blatantly a face mask. He's like, I don't know if they had enough to I got a call a penalty there. I was like, Chris, what? You play tennis down here. Give me a break. Respectfully, what are you doing?
I love you, but come on. He's on the side of me and Dan.
How did they take back that targeting call, by the way?
That was also BS.
All right.
They were holding Bane all night, Dan.
Both targeting. Well, Bane was quiet. We were holding him. Of course, it was quiet. They had to run his neck.
There weren't enough women for me to make fun of.
I got what Amine was trying to do there. Okay. No, Now is not the time for fear.
If you- Hot tea. All right. He grabbed a coffee. Let my boy cook. Damosheck, I like your Bane in the coffee cup, so I would like you to address this this way, please, because I have a criticism for you, okay? Oh. I'd just like you to defend yourself if you can. As been. I don't know why it is that you're so flippant, liberal, and elite that you think it's okay to come on here and blaspheme again and again with this toy Jesus Christ of yours, just alienating a group of people as you mock Christ our savior.
Because Fernando is my QB, and he clearly has a close relationship with Jesus. I think that he can get me off if I get charged with a spiritual misdemeanor.
I want to give all the glory to God. You have a toy Jesus just around your apartment so that you can mock the people who worship Jesus?
I told you the tale. We found him sitting on the bench. It was a sign. It was right before Christmas. Change your ways, Dave. And so I brought him home. I stole Jesus. Was that wrong? I found him sitting on the bench, so somebody must have left him behind. Maybe Jesus wanted me to find him, but more likely a child left this behind, which begs the question, what family sends their kids to the park and the kids are playing? Here, play with Jesus. What do you play? How do you play? What do you do when you're a little kid? I'm recreating this biblical scene What was this kid doing? Then Jesus, of all the ones to get left behind, it's Jesus Christ. I don't know how I'm supposed to take it.
You do the adventures of Jesus. Jesus and his best friend, Spider-Man and Optimus Prime, they all go and they fight in a war against the Decepticons or whatever. That's what you do.
Thanos v. Jesus. Who wins that one?
You got to go Jesus, man.
Does he have the Infinity Gauntlet?
We have produced an AI video of Cuban Theo, Dazlo at the barbecue. If he does not speak, round of face, and we want to put this up for inspection.
That's good AI.
We have all seen that guy. We've all had beers on a Saturday and a Sunday watching football.
Good likeness.
Let's make it clear that's not AI. That's the crack Photoshop work of our team.
That's not AI?
I like it.
Damage check. Before we get out of here, there are 50 seconds left, and that's not enough time for you to break down the NFL Playoffs. No. But this is the chance I'm going to give you here, okay? At the start of the next segment, in the start of the next hour, okay? Because I do want people to listen to Football America because it's a very good show. I want for you to give me as quick as you can The five most interesting things headed into this round of playoffs here. If people want more coverage and enthusiasm and inspiration, I know you love football and you're a lunatic about it. So we will send people to your podcast, but start the next segment with the five best things this weekend and make it quick, okay? Don't be the yammering knob that can't be stopped. Make it quick, all right?
Keep in mind that for all the advanced analytics hand wringing about the sample sizes are too small in the postseason. You can't judge a quarterback based on whether or not he wins in January. Yes, I can. I'm up against the clock. That's how history is going.
He's already yammering. I said make it quick. You better do this well.
Everybody cannot win in the market. That's coming up next. Somebody's getting.
"Cuidado y tu."
It's time to explain the different representations of the Cuban community through the eyes of Tony and Jeremy, and Dave and Zas are desperate to figure out where they can slot in.
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