Transcript of Hour 2: Can A Playa Get Some Conversation? (feat. Bert Kreischer)

This is the Dan Levatard Show with the Stugats podcast. Do you get annoyed every time Dan Levatard pontificates about the sports media industry? Well, too bad, mother. He knows he don't give a damn about what he's going to say.

It's time for Sports Media Talk today. Tony Cornheiser and Michael Willbohn have signed a three-year extension for PTI. I'm going to assume, but cannot say this for sure, that it will be their last contract there because I don't know how much after 80 years old. Tony's going to be wanting to do that, even though people around him who love him suspect the moment you turn off that TV camera, he will just wander over to a potted plant and start giving that his sports opinions. I don't know what the details are on. Did they make them go to an hour from a half hour? Because there was some thought that it would be easy to do that, which would be easy for them to do that, except you've got to pay Tony twice as much as you were paying him if you wanted him to do twice as much work. And that might be less easy than it used to be. One of the greatest sports television shows top 10 of all time, correct? Top five? Where are we putting... What are the greatest sports television shows there have ever been? And does PTI rise to the level?

That's more than 20 plus years of chemistry on television and able to survive all of the flux at ESPN and at Disney because it's still a monster when it comes to ratings, even though very little is a monster when it comes to ratings.

I remember where I was the first time I saw the show. I think I was 19. I remember exactly where I was. It was incredible because I remember saying to myself, Well, hold up. Those are the topics they're going to talk about it and they're on my screen? I get to see what they're going to talk about on this show?

That's one of the great sports inventions of all time, that ticker, that Timer that keeps them to 90 seconds in the event that you are not interested in that topic. You know it's going to change in 60 seconds because what they did there is grab short attention spans before social media, before the addictions, and they're like, We're going to speed all this up for you. We're going to give you SportsCenter in a half hour and how to think about it. I just don't know where it would rank in greatest sport. It's certainly one with the longest run. It's certainly crazy that it's a daily show, right? Because I don't think many of whatever it is we'd be nominating for best sports television of all time is going to be a daily show, 240 to 300 times a year because of the need for content. Top five, Zazlo? Top five all time.

Because I remember- I'm building on a top 10 right now.

Yeah, I have a hard time believing it's not top three.

Of all the arguments I've had with Bougechambi, he tends to win most of them. He's smarter about sports than I am. He also saw that come up on his screen for the first time, and he looks to me and he says, That'll never work. Because they were bad at the beginning. They didn't know what they were doing. There was no chemistry.

Well, they infamously, when the bell would ring, they would stop and look around, right?

Well, they just, yes, they didn't know how to do television necessarily as chemistry, right? They were very good at radio. They were very good in the newsroom having chemistry. But televised chemistry has to be learned. And obviously, what are you laughing about, Chris? They It's not going to affect it, obviously. Let's get a list of the top five television shows of all time. I have a top 10. All right, we're going to get to it in a second. We're going to go through it with Bert Kreischer. Let's go through it with Bert Kreischer in a second, your top 10 list. But let's play some more sounds that we have not gotten to. I want to start with Jacksonville's owner. Tony is feeling Jacksonville, okay? They didn't even get huge games from their skill guys. Their skill guys are good, and their defense is going to be good. At the end of the game, Shad Khan, who is just so very happy to be out from under the stench of Urban Meyer, it It's a long time to recover from it. He is gitty with enthusiasm, our friend Tony Khan's dad.

This is what we envisioned in January, okay?

Yes, sir. It's happening here in September.

Going to go on forever.

You can hear the pain in the way- Going to go on forever.

Please.

He might as well just be saying, Jacksonville.

Forever is ambitious. Can we agree?

Long time.

Got to go on forever.

Why was the kicker on the right dressed like the vampire Lestad?

Yeah, he was actually. I want to get to some coaching sound. Can someone explain to me why and how this escalated so quickly with Steve Sarkisian, who's feeling himself after getting dragged with his great quarterback? The headlines, God, I just was looking back through some old headlines. Arch Manning, Built for this Moment.

I don't really know what's going on in this clip. I would just describe this as an awkward back and forth between Steve Sarkisian and a reporter.

Arch Manning seemed to be having some throwing pains by the-According to who? Arch.

Arch said that to you? No. Oh, according to who?

It just looked like he was-He doesn't have any. Is there an explanation to why he was It looked like that. I don't know.

I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom, so I don't know what faces you make when you're doing that.

Was Arch in the bathroom? I don't know. Is that a saying? I never filmed in the bathroom.

Why'd the reporter lie there?

That was weird, right?

Oh, they get scared when the big tough goes. He's like, Oh, Arch. No. Did you talk to him? No. I understand that I'm obviously- You won't let me get to the bathroom.

You won't let me talk to them.

I'm pro-media, and so I've got my biases, but that's just a scared reporter, and that's just a tough guy, Coach, who's in power and can embarrass a scared reporter who got nervous.

I've never filmed any of you guys when you're using the bathroom, so I don't what faces you make when you're doing that. It shouldn't be illegal.

A lot of people have different problems with Sarkisian. I think people are deserving of a second chance. For me, I wrote him off. You ever see that video of him chewing out the ESPN field producer while he's in the tunnel, getting ready to come out for a bowl game. I could already make a character judgment on this guy by how he treated that dude.

Arch said that to you? No. Why do you lie?

I don't want to make a character judgment about drinking problems because everyone knows that they're an assortment of addictions that run rampant and sickness that runs rampant as well when it comes to not being able to control your addiction. But it is fairly amazing that Sarkisian has been able to get that particular job so quickly after being someone who was drinking on the job in his previous... Or actually two stops ago, the last time he was a head coach, rehabbed himself the way that many did and do under Saban, literal rehab, and then comes back and has that job, which is with that quarterback. He's in a pretty fantastic position given the way that his last head coaching job ended. It's a fairly amazing story that he would hit reporters with arrogance probably has to do with, oh, and now he feels what the pressure of that job is when you have that quarterback as well. Probably doesn't feel very good every day.

Yeah, for me, it's just how he treated the field producer. It's just really bad. It's really bad look, and it shows how you treat other people. If you can read into how he treats the media, you can read into how he treats a field producer. I'm just not a fan. Haven't been a fan since I saw that clip. All four are giving people multiple chances, and he's gotten multiple chances.

How about this? Are you a fan of this, this Brian Callahan? You are in a position where you are in the tank for Kam Ward. Everyone else is at fault for any of Kam Ward's failures. He It would have been 28 for 28 in his game against Denver if simply everyone around him hadn't betrayed him, who's a Tennessee Titan, including his coach not knowing the rules.

That's a misinterpretation. I counted 24, 28.

Kam Ward would have had the day Aaron Rodgers had if the Titans weren't bums. And that is the fair and reasonable analysis from Mike Bryant. Calvin Ridley could not catch balls that were too hot to handle, but let's hear- They could have been handled.

Make a play for the young man. And that's what I was in the entire game. But the rookie from Stanford that put up 200 plus yards on Travis Hunter, this is an exciting draft pick. Tony helped me with the name because I don't want to mispronounce it. That's right. So young man makes a play, goes up there, catches the ball, elbow comes down in bounds, the rest of the body falls out of bounds. And I'm watching at home. This CV, NASCAR is on the main, for those that don't know.

Isn't that in bounds?

Should be in bounds. I thought so. I thought I knew ball. Apparently, I didn't know ball.

They didn't challenge it.

It's not challenged. They didn't take a look I see the replay on the TV. I'm like, Elbow came down. I thought the elbow- Does one elbow equal two feet?

Well, let's see- You're asking the right question.

I feel like I've heard that before.

We all thought that, right?

A butt cheek. What are the things that equal two feet?

Knee, butt cheek, elbow.

All of those things. Is there anything else that- Shoulder, possibly. Face, teeth.

Chin. We've seen that play out before, but I found it very odd.

What about head?

Head? I don't If your head lands in bounds and then your feet land out of bounds, is your head two feet? Which one?

Where's the ball? We've never seen that before.

But maybe we will one day. So it's important to establish rules.

But one butt is a butt, correct?

One cheek, two feet. I got to think the head is down in bounds. If the shin is.

Like comes down head first and then falls over.

If you land on the top of your helmet and then your feet land out of bounds, that's going to be no catch. Which head? Oh, really?

He was workshopping that for eight and we're like, No, don't do that. And he was like, I'm confused doing the dick joke.

All right, put it on the poll. Is the penis, does it count as two feet? The penis doesn't count as two feet.

You and I, I think just his penis would land in bounds and the rest of his body out of bounds.

An elbow? What's the difference?

There's pants. What is the rule? So we knew ball. The elbow comes down in bounds. That counts as a knee. That counts as two feet.

I feel like I've heard that before.

So let's hear the head coach, Brian Callen, Callahan after the game, and then Brian Callahan upon reflection, first after the game.

It looked like his elbow hit in bounds first.

Yeah, you got to get a foot in bounds, too, which we didn't have a clean look at whether his foot was down as well. An elbow doesn't equal two feet, so his foot would have to come down as well. We didn't have a clean look. So the call from upstairs was that it wasn't more challenging.

So Zaz, you and I, very clearly, idiots.

There is no way that you have to have an elbow and a foot. There's no way that's the rule.

Well, an elbow and a foot, twister? That equals two feet. What is the rule?

What is the damn rule? Is an elbow worth two feet or does it not worth two feet?

Dan, he had conviction when he spoke. You're an idiot for thinking an elbow is down in bounds. Let's hear Mr. Callahan upon reflection.

The conversation about the play with Elec and challenging to play and what I said after the game. And look, ultimately, my interpretation of the rule was wrong. I'll own it. We should have challenged to play. And that's pretty much all I can say about it is I'll own a mistake. We should have challenged it, and that's where it stands. That process and how those things get relayed, I'll keep those in-house. But I'm the head coach of the football team, and my job is to make those decisions. I didn't do a good enough job in that moment. I should have challenged it. He wanted to. It probably would have resulted in a potential explosive play.

This is how you say, I'm not blaming anyone while blaming the other people.

He wanted to blame somebody else there, Dan. He didn't know the rules. I said that in your ear, and then you sounded like somebody in system of a down, just in the middle of that. Yeah, he wanted to. But I'm glad as someone that champions admitting when you were wrong, it only took our man a day, and head coach is notoriously stubborn. So good on you, Mr. Kaleian.

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Dan Levatard.

I've never stepped on that campus. If you told me right now your life depends on it, go to Santa Fe University and just take a picture.

Stugatz.

I would die. I don't know where it is.

This is the Dan Levatard show with the Stugatz.

He is a comedian. He's a podcast host. He is a machine. He's got a couple of Hilarious podcast, 2 Bairs, 1 K with Tom Segura. He's been off for a while, and he's got the Bert cast, and he's got Something's Burning. You could see him at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Vancouver this weekend, September 12th. His permission to party a world tour. Tour dates and tickets are available at burtburtburt. Com. He is working very hard. He is always working, and he loves his sports. So let's include him on a couple of conversations we're having. What equals 2 feet Bert as a catch in the NFL? Does the elbow count as two feet?

An elbow, an ear, or a nose all count. They're all specific, but yeah.

They should. How about an ass cheek? An ass cheek counts as two feet?

If you drag it, yeah. If you drag it.

If you drag an ass cheek, what else you got, Zec?

What if you just land on your head and then the rest of your body falls out of bounds? Catch?

Catch. A hundred % of catch.

Okay, good. We're doing the rules. Mike, you want to give Bert your top 10 sports television shows of old time now that Tony and Mike have signed a three-year extension, I assume. We got to assume it's the last one. No, are you assuming it's the last one? For us, no.

For three years? I didn't get three years. I didn't get three years. Number 10, George Michael's Sports Machine. I mean, just an G inspired so many other shows that followed it.

Any thoughts there, Kreisher? You believe that or you're out on that?

I'm out. I've never heard of it.

Believe it or not, one-half of WAM hosted a sports highlight.

That's not true at all. No, you're I'm not your best. Let's play this game.

No, we can't play real or fake podcast later on, though.

Yes, we won't play that.

We'll do that. All right, we'll do that.

Number nine. Number nine, Around the Horn.

Number eight, Sunday, in the Hale County.

You thought there was a show that was just called Sunday? What was going on there? Number seven, Baseball Tonight.

Great jingle.

You remember when baseball was interesting?

That's a good point by you.

Do you remember Saturday When you'd go play the Little League and then you'd come home and you'd watch the highlights and you were like, Man, I want to play for the rest of my life. And then you're just like, Man, I'll just do testosterone.

You remember Webgems? You remember Diamond Notes with Peter Gammon? That's when baseball was baseball, pal.

That's when America knew who their enemy was. That's right.

Amen. Number 6, Inside the NFL. Number 5, Real Sports. Number 4, Parton the interruption. Number 3, inside the NBA.

Yeah, yeah. Was Shaq in Barkley, right? Yes.

Number 2, College Game Day.

Number 1- Hold on. Slow down, slow down. I just got my pants off. We can't just go straight into it. Number 1. Number 1, tease me.

Hold on, Mike. Do you have any objections before we get to number one? Bert, do you have any objections to anything he's put on the list? Do you have anything that you would rank higher.

No, there's nothing that I'd mess. I mean, nothing I'd mess with right now, except I know what number one should be.

Okay? Are you okay with inside the NBA being behind College Game Day?

Personally, no. I think Shaq and Charles Barkley are two of the most fascinating individuals in the entire world. To watch Shaq eat the hottest chip challenge is one of the greatest pieces of footage that has been in my entire life.

I still say that. Anytime I eat something spicy.

Number one. I need you to tease me. I need you to tease me.

Number one. This was a star-making vehicle. This was late night for a generation. These were the VJs of kids for the '90s. This was SportsCenter. Boom, baby. I'm going to say this was SportsCenter because- Stuart Scott. Yes. Fell off. Stuart Scott. Name them more. Dan Patrick. Rich Eisen.

Rich Eisen. Dude, let me tell you something. I had dinner with Stuart Scott when I first started stand-up in New York, and I was drunk, and I was like... And you have to be a real SportsCenter fan to remember, he came in and stirred things up. He stirred everything up because all of a sudden, he was coming in with potential just like, Booyah, run back at you. You remember that?

He was just black.

That's how he stirred it up.

But you remember, that was stirring things up. We're talking 1991.

It was. It still is, Bert. It still is, Bert.

It still is. I'm not totally comfortable with Club Sheshe. Anyway. I got to be honest, talk about us every now and then. You know what I mean? Would it kill you? I had dinner with him, and I got to talk to him about that. He broke down everything that was happening internally at ESPN with the way he was talking and the way he was being representing the thing. It was the most fascinating conversation I've ever had, and that's the only time I've ever met him.

What a bar. He was just black, though. Like, what happened, the shocking thing that he was is Rich Eisen was there, and then here comes the guy who's Black.

It happens that way so much, 48 hours trading space.

It's a staple of Americana, really, if you think about it. It's how it works. But, Bert, every Why don't we talk to you? Your life gets crazier and crazier. I got to be honest, I feel for you sometimes because I feel like you get hurt by some of the stuff wherever it is that you're polarizing as opposed to it being 100% laughter. I want you to just Enjoy your life because it seems like everything great is happening in your life.

Everything great is happening in my life. Are you kidding me? I gave the pump-up speech at Florida State before we took our first game this year. It was one of the greatest moments of my entire life. Florida State is having a great season. The Bucks are having a great season. I am the happiest kid in town. I'm getting ready to go on tour. I just wrapped my TV show for Netflix. I haven't drank in two days. Come on, I feel like Superman.

How is it that you've been in the last six months in terms of running into folks where you're like, How is this my life? Because every time we talk to you, your life gets a little bit crazier in terms of whose company you're keeping.

Be more specific.

Oh, I don't know. Every day for you brings some absurdity. Does it not? Where you're looking around and saying, How did I get from partying more than anyone in the history of Florida State University to, Why am I sitting next to this person?

I'll tell you what, we had a crazy experience. Me and Tommy went to that Florida State game, and I was with Warwick Dunn and Danny Canal. If you remember, in the '90s, the Chokey Dope was one of the biggest games I ever remember watching. I remember that being orchestrated by Danny Cannell and Warwick Dunn. Now, Warwick didn't score a lot of touch downs in that game, but he was just invaluable. And there I am in the President's box, or right just outside the media box, shirtless, holding on to Warwick Dunn and Danny Canal with Tom Segar, my best friend. And I thought to myself, If you had told me in 1993 or 1994 that I would be shirtless in this stadium with Warwick Dunn and Danny Kunnell, I'd be like, Are they running a train on me?

What was it like for you to do that speech? Were you nervous being in front of a stadium? You're playing giant venues now, but specifically because of your reverence for that program, how nervous were you before just getting in front of those people and just saying a few words?

I was terrified all the way. I was terrified all morning and the week leading up to it. Then the second I got on the field, Tommy pulled me aside and Kirk Fox, his opener, and they said, Talk with them, not at them. You're one of them. And the second they said that, I realized I am that kid that sat in those end zone stadium bleachers when they were wooden bleachers, watching Dan Mowery play Miami, going wide, right. I am that kid that the first time I saw the spear go down. And I was supposed to just say, God bless America, God bless the troops. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines, I think. That's all they wanted to do. I just went on a rant about this is the house that Bobby Boughton built. When that spear hit that 50-yard line, tears streamed down my face. Those tears were garnet and gold. Ladies and gentlemen, Alabama has no idea what house they just stepped into. I have two words to say, go, no. I'm talking when 90,000 people erupt, that's when you storm the capital. I mean, that's like... This That's like Stalin, Mussolini, that other guy stuff.

I mean, that moves the country.

Lifetime tickets to any team, only one team. Who are you picking?

Oh, the Indiana Fever.

College or pro football, best tailgate?

Oh, college, without a doubt. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but let's be very honest At least there's a litmus of education at a college tailgate. When you go to a Bill's or a Steeler's tailgate, you don't need to have any education. You could just be a dude fresh out of prison. Now, that's a barring none. University of Miami, of course, obviously, that doesn't matter. But at any other college, you need some level of education to get to the tailgate. College tailgate, 100%.

Why are you wearing two watches?

I'm not. One's a Whoop.

What do you got there? A little Whoop here? It's a Whoop. No, the other side. There it is. A little Whoop here, Dayton. What do you got going on there?

No, this is a GMT Master II. Nice.

What's the longest you've gone without wearing a shirt?

Oh, that would have to be a Hawaii. I didn't wear a shirt to dinner two nights in a row because they were private rooms. And so I was just coming straight off the beach, and that was four days straight. Four days straight, and by the way, no shower, no shirt. I count the ocean, and anyone in Miami would count the ocean as a shower.

Put it on the poll at Levitard show, does the ocean count as a shower? I think saltwater is something you should want to get off your body.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. You can rinse. You can rinse if you want. But if you go into the ocean, you are clean. The Lord has cleaned you. I will also say for any Florida kid, pool counts as a shower.

Let's play our new game with Bert. Bert has helped popularize the podcast. What's going on with Two Bears, One Cave? You guys were doing movies and doing other projects, so you allowed Stavi, you allowed a guest host to come in. I saw that Sam Marelle was on there. How'd all that go? And are you back now?

Yeah, we're back. We're back doing them. We both had projects. Tom had a movie, and I had a TV show. It's a little frustrating. Obviously, podcast is the thing that got us to the dance, but now the dance is asking us to do different things, and it's like, you don't want to forget your roots and what got you there, but at the same time, you have so many plates spinning that we're trying to do both. I don't know. I'm trying to skinny up my podcast dance slate, meaning with Bertkast and something's burning, so that I can focus more on Two Bearers, to be honest with you.

Because? Why do you want to focus on that? It's been the prize baby, obviously, and it's something that's important to you. I like that you brought in these comedians who could freshen up. They respect the platform you've built, and they were doing something different than you guys would do in your audience like that, too.

Yeah, they loved it. By the way, I do that more often. I I would bring in guests, I'll talk very candidly, but Two Bears makes a great deal of money. To share that money with other comics that are coming in and breathing fresh air into it, it's nice. We just basically hand the podcast over everything. They do the ad reads, they make the money, and it's nice to be dead. I think the fans like it. It makes it more fun for us. It also invigorates us because I was like, Wow, they killed it. We got to really start writing down subjects to talk about Tom. Don Levatard.

What is the worst part of the life, Stugatz? The worst part of the life of what?

This is the Don Levatard show with the Stugatz.

What would you identify in your top experience of the last five years that has been a surprise, just where you're just surprised that something has blown up for you as a professional success that it outranks all the others?

Without a doubt, it's acting. I never planned on being an actor. I had no interest in acting. I thought actors were idiots. I thought it was the dumbest profession you could ever do. Then I did it in the machine, and I didn't think... I was like, I'll do one movie and that's it. It's my movie about me. That's it. Then I started getting off offered acting roles a lot. I turned them all down because I was like, I just want to play me, and that's it. I want to play Bert. Then I just did this last one, and now I have three movies lined up. This show, it looks like it's going to be pretty good, I think. But I'm getting offered weird acting roles, serious acting roles. I just did a part where I get the crap beat out of me. I don't know. I never thought acting would be something I'd want to do at all. I like this. I I love this medium. And I was like, I'll be podcasting forever, and you're never going to match the money. And the acting doesn't pay anything, really, compared to podcasting and stand-up.

Mike, are you ready to play a real or fake podcast with one of the podcast kings?

Yes. Chris Cody, hit it.

Listen up. Time to think fast. Is this a real or fake podcast?

Self-explanatory. I'm going to give you a podcast title, Bert, and you have to decipher whether or not it is a real or fake podcast. First one up. The Kittle Things with George Kittle.

That's fake. There's no way that's And if it's not fake, he's got to change the name.

That is a real podcast. Shut up. He does it with his wife.

The Kittle thing. The Kittle thing. Are you being serious? I'm calling George Kittle right now. He should do it with children and call it Kittle people.

Second one up. Reese's Pieces with Reese Davis.

You got him shook, Mike. He has to be real.

That's got to be real. It's too good.

That is a fake podcast. Are you serious?

Bird sinks at this game. He's truly terrible at this game.

Next one up. House Rules with Matt Rule.

Fake.

That is a real podcast.

These are worse than BirdCast. Who named these?

Little FSU tinge to this one. Football Bromance with Bjorn Werner.

Bromance?

With Bjorn Werner.

I think it's real.

That one's actually real. Yeah, Fiorne Werner. Yes. Lastly, The House of Stone and Light with Martin Page.

There's going to be a Chris Light, The House of Stone and Light.

With Martin Page.

That's fake. That's fake.

That is an adult, contemporary hit from the early '90s. Congratulations.

Congratulations. You finished hot. You went two for five. I will remind everyone again that you see him at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival in Vancouver this weekend, September 12th. His permission to party, world tour. You can get tour dates, tickets available at burtbertbert. Com. What's the most moved you've been on stage here recently, burt? Because I thought it might have been in the last special when you threw your shirt up in the air and it landed exactly on the microphone. I believe that that's as well as you could ever do it.

That caught me off guard. The most moved I've been, honestly, was... I only know this because it was Tampa, the Amaleya Arena. Right before I was about to go on stage, my dad called me. My dad's never seen me perform live. He called me and he goes, Hey, Wade Boggs is here. I was like, Yeah, I know. He was like, No, he's in my box suite. Do you think he knows who you are? I go, Yeah, dad. I got him tickets. He was like, You know Wade Boggs? I go, No, I don't know Wade Boggs, but he wanted tickets. We're I'm going to meet him after the show. He goes, I'm going to get to meet Wade Boggs. I go, Introduce yourself now, dad. That was the most... And then we got backstage, and Derek Brooks, who, FSU legend, was backstage with me and my dad. And he said to my dad, Can you believe the career your son's had? And my dad goes, Do you know my son? And he goes, I was at his first show. And Derek Brooks walks out and goes, And my dad goes, Buddy, Derek Brooks knows who you are.

Can you imagine the life you've lived if Derek If Brooks knows who you are? That was the greatest. That was the Mount Rushmore. I'm done. I could go back and do clubs for the rest of my life.

He's not your favorite seminal, no. The best seminal of all time is blank.

The best seminal of all time? The best seminal of all time is Charlie Ward.

Better than Deion.

Charlie Ward. When I was there, Charlie Ward was so undeniable. He was so undeniable. Third and 17, and you knew Charlie Ward would come through. You know what I loved about Charlie Ward? When When Warwick Dunn's mom got killed, Charlie Ward said to Bobby Bauton, Let him live with me. I'll take care of him. And that's how we got Warwick Dunn. That's how great Charlie Ward was, is he imprinted on Warwick Dunn. And that's how we got that great individual that is Warwick Dunn.

Yeah, but he deserved to be tossed into the Fifth row by P. J. Brown, let's be honest.

Dude, the biggest mistake Charlie Ward ever made was playing basketball. I understand he doesn't have CTE, and he can use his knees, and dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. But let's be real. How great would Charlie Warwick been in the NFL? He was So undeniable on third and long. I've never felt that in my life. I feel two things. Charlie work and complete on third and long, and my wife will never cheat on me. Those are two truths I know, and no matter what.

Zazel, did you have something here for Bert? No. Okay. Bert.

People get your tickets at Bertbertbert. Com. Was Bertbert. Com not available? What happened there?

No, that's a dog. It was Bertbert was a dog. Bert was a real estate agent. I tried to get Diet Bert. I tried the White Gorilla. I tried Green State. I tried Bertbert, Bertbert, Bertbert. I just figured Four Berts was ridiculous. Three really like, Tora, Tora, Tora. The touring lifestyle, are you going to let go of that at all. I know that you love the stand-up, but you have all of these other things that are calling you, and sometimes you might not exactly want to be flying to Minneapolis. I don't fly. I drive in a bus. I'm like John Madden. I love touring. I will never quit touring. Touring is more fun than being at home with my family than sitting in Hawaii on the beach. Touring is the best. The lifestyle rocks. You're with your boys. It's like camp. Every night, everyone's drinking, giggling, falling asleep. You wake up, you have lunch, you find an activity to do in said city, you take a nap, you work out, you go on stage, you drink, and you do it all over again. Touring is Groundhog's Day, but with your favorite people in the world.

Bert, when's the last time you had a negative experience experience with someone in the crowd?

I don't know. I'm in an arena, so it's like I'm a little distant. So I don't really hear. If someone's upset, I don't hear. Oh, the last time- I'm in an arena, buddy.

I'm not playing small.

I'm not playing.

That's not a security's problem.

I've made eye contact in two years.

I can't hear their voices up there.

I can't even see them from where it is that they're yelling. Never mind, hear them.

I don't know if they're even there. I'll tell you what, the big problem you get in an arena is I'm doing Red Rocks again, and you get complaints from the people at the very, very top. They're like, I could barely see the show. At a certain point, you're like, Yeah, that does suck. Why would I sell tickets to that far away to that person? That's the biggest complaint you get is the people in the cheap seats are like, Dude, I couldn't see anything.

Because you like money, that's why.

Yeah. Listen, I got a Rolexes to pay for, guys. They don't pay for themselves.

And the wives, too.

My wrists are light, and if I don't hold them down with this stuff, I'm just up here. That's a heavy boy, Dan.

Can you take us back through the journey? Take us from Red Rocks, for example, to what were the worst of the venues you were playing when you couldn't have imagined the idea that you would be playing someplace like Red Rocks?

Oh, my God. I mean, dude, I'm dating Ohio on a Thursday night with 35 people in the audience, and 25 of them don't want to be there. You're That's when I started taking my shirt off because I was like, I'm miserable. I'm missing my family. This can't be the dream. $1,300, and I'm paying half to the taxes. I got to pay for my own flight, my own hotel. The only thing I'm getting free is Heineken. I was miserable. I mean, Miami. Miami was one of the hardest clubs in the country. I remember going on stage and no one laughing to the point where I didn't think they spoke English. I would try to make a joke about that. They were like... I remember one time in Miami, I was bombing, and I was like, Okay, I'm not certain everyone here is fluent in English. What I want to do is I'm going to bring a black guy and a Cuban guy on stage, and can you just translate to your people and tell them what I'm saying? They were like, Yeah. I brought a Black dude and a Cuban guy, and I said, I was talking to a girl, and the black guy just looks at me and he goes, Can a player get some conversation?

The place goes, bananas. Then the Cuban guy just it in Spanish. Then we talked about oral sex, and it was completely white guy did not translate to these guys. That was a turning point in my career when I realized the gloves have to be off. You have to be up for anything. You can't have some set program ready to just regurgitate to an audience. You got to be up for anything.

How long ago was that?

That was 19 years ago.

All right. Well, congratulations on all the success, sir. It looks like it's a good deal of fun to be you these days.

It's not bad being you either.

The Florida State experience, your best sports experience, because you've had a number of them here where you found yourself in some surreal positions with athletes. What comes closest to being the Florida State speech? Beating it or being it?

Even better than the speech, directly after my shirt's off, Tom's teared up. He's like, That was one of the most amazing things. And Michael Alfred comes up, the athletic director, and he goes, Come on, let's go. And we're like, Where are we going? And he walks us to the center of the field, right by the Seminal head. Chief Osiola comes up on renegade and spikes the burning spear feet from us. Tommy looks at me, tears coming down his face, and he's like, This is the greatest day of my life. I'm getting chill bumps talking about it. But for any Seminal, you know that your first experience of watching that spear going into the 50-yard line is the roar, the power of that stadium. Then to be there shirtless on the 50-yard line with my best friend was something that... I don't have memories like that with my wife or my children, to be honest with you.

Good seeing you, Bert. I always remember that Cortez Kennedy had to be restrained from punching the horse. Thank you. Good seeing you, sir.

I love you, brother. Thank you so much.