Transcript of Dan Doesn't Care About Diversity | Hour 1

If the Vikings called Tom Brady, would he be tempted? You laugh, Wyatt.

Austin. His name is Austin.

But I have, uh, been surprised by Tom Brady at a ridiculous age returning before.

So that's, that's why I laughed. Because you said, "If the Vikings call Tom Brady, would he be interested?" And I wasn't sure if you meant trading for Kirk Cousins or Tom Brady coming to play for the Minnesota Vikings.

That's funny.

And that's why I laughed, because I had no damn idea what you were asking me.

Totally fair.

This guy's good, Dan.

No, it's so good.

It's really good.

So good what he just did to me. I hadn't even considered the idea of Tom Brady as Raiders owner, not trading Kirk Cousins, because he wants to go to the Vikings.

Telling them like, "Ah, he's not looking good. Looking old."

Oh, you don't want him. I know a guy, though.

The division is so hard that the Vikings play in, that they go from being at the top of it with one loss to everyone conceding today they must trade for a quarterback. That happened very quickly. Like, they had the best record in the division, the best division in football, and the best record in the league five minutes ago.

This is a really good division.

Now Juju put O'Connell on the hot seat at 6-2.

That's crazy.

He owned air, bro.

He owned a hot seat.

He put himself on the hot seat.

He would get scooped up so fast.

You traded a Super Bowl-winning quarterback last year. You traded your first-round draft pick for, what, a third? And now that boy balling. You got a salute. It was your decision to bring Kyler Murray over here. Bro, look, I'm just going to say that. Bro, so little. Everything that touches him is going to break something on him. I don't have no faith for him staying healthy long enough. KOC, hot seat.

You guys think Mike McDaniel had a lot of options last year. KOC gets fired? Oh my god.

Oh, buddy.

Buddy. He is our coaches? Do they have to adhere to the trade deadline if you can trade for coaches?

It's funny that you guys are doing this, though. This is an offensive coach, allegedly. He's 32nd in the league in offensive success. This is beyond this is behind the Chargers. It's behind the Dolphins. It's behind the Eagles. Eagles go out 3 and out 43% of the time. That's the worst offense there is in the league. It's not mediocre, like Greg Cody said. It's the worst. And that performance you saw last night, you've gotten so used to the quarterbacks being accurate that when somebody's throwing at people's feet, you're like, "What the hell is that? Who is that? Why is that allowed in an NFL game?"

You don't see that anymore. In an age when every quarterback is completing 70%, it seems. 8 for 25? Unheard of. When is the last time you alluded to this? 25 or more pass attempts with 8 or fewer completions.

I think.

I bet that's been a decade since that.

I think the Vikings had a Josh Johnson performance on a Monday night one time that was pretty dreadful. I just want you guys to remember, though, they come out chanting "Skoll, Skoll, Skoll." They're trying to give you Vikings intimidation. They had Adrian Peterson come out and blow a giant horn, and then Carson Wentz takes a poop on the field. Like, you've got no reason to cheer the entirety of the game. Van Ginkel gets you. You thought Van Ginkel was going to help you win a 7-6 game because he got the ball at the 1-yard line.

Dan, I got to stop and correct you here. You said he takes a poop on the field, and that was a fun joke that we did for many years on the show. We can't do it anymore because a Cowboys player actually took a poop on a field.

It was in his pants. It wasn't on the field.

Well, he was on the field when the poop was on the field.

Do you have any experience with this?

What?

Hawkins, do you have any experience with a teammate pooping on the field?

I thought you were talking to Greg.

Oh my god.

Yeah, that happens. That happens a lot in football.

Almost like hearing him.

My high school running back, uh, pooped on himself in a game, like, purposely. He's like, "I got to go." We were in overtime. He was like, "Sorry, Hog. I got to let it go." And I'm like, "You don't have to tell me this. This isn't information. You have to volunteer." And he did. And he rushed for, like, 175. In the NFL, guys pee on themselves every, every game. I would say on average, per NFL game, at least 7 guys urinate on themselves purposely during the game. At least.

For an advantage, or?

No, it's because you can't miss plays.

Yeah.

And if you're out there, like, I can't be worried about whether or not I have to pee.

Why is it they're just a porta-potty on the sideline?

Right. They usually, like, hold towels up. I did almost poop on myself versus the Ravens, and I ran off the field after a 2-point conversion to get to the bathroom. I made it. I came back. I missed a couple plays.

The puddle must smell so bad.

I couldn't do it myself. I thought about, like, letting it go, and I'm like, "I can't do this. I'm sorry."

Did the kid flag for excessive celebration? Like, "He's running to the locker room!"

Well, it was funny because I ran a corner route to the opposite sideline, and it happened, like, I felt something a couple plays later.

Did you catch the 2-pointer?

I caught it, and then I run up the Ravens' sideline to the locker room.

Good for you.

Up their whole sideline.

Good for you.

On the wrong side of the field because I couldn't. I'm like, "You know what? Hopefully the defense."

End of round, you was like, "That's too long of a route. I got to get to it."

I got to get right. I got to get direct.

I'm surprised the Ravens ain't hold you up. Like, "What you doing over here, little bruh?"

Hey, man, I'm too quick. I'm too quick. Can't nobody catch me.

If I was running the NFL, I'd put a porta-potty in the blue tent. It's such a simple solution.

Yeah. They might do that now, actually, to go pee at least.

Yeah, they have to, right?

I mean, you can't be you can't be going number 2 on the sideline.

One of these fancy, like, wedding porta-potties, though, right? Not the old one.

The one with a little they've got a little bathroom sink in front of it when you walk up. They've got a little upstairs and a little trailer.

There you go.

They should also put a photo booth in there. Wouldn't that be cool?

Oh, dude.

During a game?

Yeah, it's cool.

Photo booth during the game.

Hey, where is he? And he comes out with, like, 6 shots. One of them serious, one of them silly.

Oh, wow. Okay, yeah, he is concussed. Just a photo booth with an independent neurologist.

I believe that Andrew Hawkins has just given a statistic that is way too high that people that are listening to this would be shocked by. That he's basically saying 1 out of every 5 football players out there is peeing themselves or pooping themselves. And before, you're also proven wrong by Zach Thomas here on "You Say No One Can Poop on the Sidelines." You've got this very wrong.

I mean, he definitely got a game ball for going to number 2 on the sidelines during an Atlanta game this year. I'll tell you that one.

Larry Izzo.

He did what?

Yeah, man. He, uh, ended up into a bucket. So I thought that was a great story where usually some guys get away with, you know, having to pee in a bottle. But he definitely, uh, number 2 in a bucket with a, you know, it's a pretty, uh, amazing thing to do. I've never heard that in my life. He got a game ball for it. That's very impressive. I got a lot of respect for that guy.

Wow.

That is amazing.

That'd be right on the game ball.

That was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

I feel like the pee thing, it's obviously it's all gross, but you're wet. You're super wet and sweaty out there. The pee thing, I feel like, could slide through.

Yeah.

And you don't really running around for a second half with just, like, your pants filled with shit is just, like, mind-boggling.

It might not be full, though. You know?

Oh, so they, like.

It might be a shart situation.

Hmm.

You know?

James Cook had one of them last night. You know, go Buffalo, go Bills. But he got tackled in slow motion, and I was like, "Okay." There it is.

Yeah. The worst smell you'll ever experience is an NFL locker room before kickoff.

Hockey locker room with, like.

Nah, I don't think you've ever been to a hockey locker room.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, it would probably be the same thing just from the context, but it's, like, think about the nervous shits.

Oh, they're all dumping?

Every there's a line.

And puking too?

Sick players. Literally. No, no, no BS. It's, like, the most everybody's guts are churning because everybody's nervous.

Yeah, but the hockey locker room's the size of this shipping container, dude. There's, like, 28 smelly dudes just, like, a foot away from each other.

And the equipment is so stank.

Yeah.

They don't eat as much as a football player. So I feel like that has some kind of effect on the overall smell as it comes together. And there's a lot more guys, too.

On behalf of basketball, I feel like I owe everyone a big apology. Like, "Hey, y'all, guys, I played just as hard or whatever." Man, we didn't have people taking massive dumps, nervous dumps before a game, throwing up and stuff. Like, I would tell Chris, like, the idea of someone leaving the bench to go take a leak even is pretty rare. It's not unheard of, but it's physically rare because they'll, like, you'll hear the sideline reporters like, "Oh. Check it out." And meanwhile, you guys are dumping and pissing all over yourselves.

Yeah, bro.

Pre-game, mid-game, halftime, post-game. That's nuts.

And it's just a disgusting I mean, there's we have so many people. You just can't help but have disgusting people in the locker room as well. The old line. There's old linemen that pee in the hot tub just because they don't feel like getting out.

Oh.

To go take and this is a hot tub.

Yeah.

It's a it's a community hot tub. Everybody's in it.

Play on. It's not a play on.

It's not.

See? A brother took a poop on national television last night.

Go on.

Carson Wentz.

Ah. You see what he did there?

Oh, no.

My name my middle name is Wyatt because my great-grandfather's last name was Wyatt, and they wanted to keep it going.

You feel good about that now, Dan?

I do. Cody, what do you think my great-grandfather's first name was?

Earp.

No.

Okay.

If you get.

Earp Wyatt.

I don't want to play his game.

You thought his grandfather's name was Earp Wyatt.

I'm going to allow it.

I would like to tell Wyatt Earp got his name from his grandpappy.

I would like to take my dad out of this game.

I'm going to say.

Grandpappy is crazy.

I'm going to say Alfred. Alfred Wyatt.

Sorry. Hold on a second.

Has a ring to it.

Hold on. Hold on.

Minor penalty. Two minutes. Murdering the show with their bare hands in a dismemberment kit in cold blood.

That's the big joke you come with. Earp Wyatt.

Please show yourself out.

This is well-timed. I got to go take a crap.

You can't.

I need to correct a couple of things here. The hockey locker room is the stinkiest of the locker rooms because of the unbelievable years of must through practice and everything else. That equipment holds all of the sweat. But Hawkins is talking about the football bathroom.

Yeah.

He's not talking about the locker room. There are more people, and it's a bigger space. He's talking specifically about the bathroom and something that I don't think hockey players go through, or though maybe they do. I think hockey players play so many games that it's not going to lead to the same sort of stomach churn that football players. They're playing for 17 Sundays, and it's the gladiator. You're going out there, and you feel like any one of you can be severely hurt in a few minutes.

I kind of feel like Hawk, you had a rags-to-riches story in the NFL. You didn't know whether you were going to end up. You finally made it. And but so you must have taken many a pre-game dump with the churns and the bubbles and the nervousness, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Every game or just, like, specific games?

Every game. Every game. I usually would do it before I left the hotel. I was like, there was there's always two buses. You can take the early bus, the late bus. A lot of guys take the early bus to get to the bathroom first. You want to be the first wave of guys in the bathroom because it's just tough to take craps after 40 guys have already been there.

Is that like a line?

Yeah.

Picturing, like, just, like, in, like, stalls?

And also, like, purposely visiting locker rooms in the NFL are.

Minor penalty. Two minutes for not listening to the show.

He already told you there was a line. He already said that.

I know. I wanted to stay in the visual of, like, the starting quarterback seventh in line. But, you know.

Yeah, you meant it as a compliment. Get out of here. Please show yourself out.

Now they got a family reunion going. Look, there's, like, 4 to 5 guys per stall. There's typically only 2 stalls for roughly.

No.

70, like, coaches and players. Two stalls, and it's, like, 7, 8 people in a line at a time.

In the visiting locker room's only 2 stalls?

Yeah, purposely. Sometimes they only have, like, 8 shower heads.

They make the visiting locker rooms extra unpleasant. The home locker rooms have plenty of bathrooms.

I need you to think about everything except the football game, and they go above and beyond to make sure that that is the case.

Wow. That's like that's like a throwback. Like, in the NBA, like, the old buildings would be stuff like that, but the newer buildings.

Yeah. Soccer still does that.

They still do it.

Soccer locker rooms are like that where they'll there'll be, like, a table in the middle of the locker room in the visiting locker room, and it's high. It's higher than it should be. So when you're sitting at your locker, you can't see your teammates on the other side. Like, there'll be weird stuff like that going on.

Yeah.

Dan, we got breaking news right now. I don't think in the show's history we've ever had this amount of instruments working that are of brotherhood.

Oh, wow.

We are we are breaking barriers right now. 4 brothers and 2 Caucasian brothers, we are doing it.

Progress.

We did have the one show that was the all-Black show. It was me, Hawk, and Dominique.

Dominique was in here.

We had the all-Black front room.

Breaking news, man. Salute to Metal Art Media, man. Diverse. Diverse, man.

The hockey locker room has a must to it that the football locker room shouldn't.

We were just talking about diversity.

Yeah. Dan's not interested in diversity.

Yeah. You stopped the show to just say, "Hey, we're Black." It's like, "Yeah, I was talking about something." Like, I thought we were trying to.

I see myself out.

I just thought we were trying to get, you know, not see color all the time. And I'm like, "Yeah, we were talking about something." And everybody's, like, raising a Black fist in my face. I'm like, "Yeah, I was talking about the hockey locker room."

We don't see color, Dan.

And you do eat butt all the time, correct?

Great, Cody.

Oh, yeah. I just had some a couple of weeks ago.

This is the Dan Le Batard Show.

Play the useless sound montage.

I love the bye week. The bye week's awesome.

We all share the blame. There's no finger point. It's thumb point. So we'll figure it out together.

When your best players don't play good, you don't have much of a chance in this league.

You know, Coach always says to me, "Our best players, you got to play well." And we didn't do that today.

The best way to learn how to win is to win.

Walker, he started going, and that's what we couldn't let happen. And that happened.

That's just an all-round win right there. We trust the game plan. We trust the guys are going to get open.

What do you do to make this more than just a one-off?

I don't know. You tell me.

Yeah, I mean, I think, like you said, they're a really good defense. Yeah, I mean, I think.

A lot of times when you chase your hands, it's your feet, right?

We couldn't quite get there in the first half. Second half, though, we started making some hay.

Man, it's definitely up there. I think guy stepped up, but I think, yeah, it feels like you're just in that flow state.

We need to have all 11 out of 11 doing the job instead of, you know, 9 out of 11 or 8 out of 11.

I'm a throw-until-until I can't throw anymore.

That's the best part about the NFL. You get here 3 hours early, you warm up 3 times, then you got to warm back up again before the game.

I'll never not throw the ball.

The bad ones hurt, you know, more than the good ones, unfortunately.

I could throw 100 picks in one game. I'm a if it comes down to it, I'm going to throw that pass.

We got our asses kicked. There's no two ways around it.

I'm going to keep ripping it. Keep ripping it.

Just one more time. Chop wood one more time. Chop wood one more time.

If I say the same thing that I said to you, I mean, I'll say it to you, to them. I mean, yeah, what I believe in, stay together. Bitter pill to swallow anytime you don't win a game. Keep fighting. Fight on.

We're not smoking here. Please. Oh, you're not smoking. You got a pencil. I'm sorry. I thought you were smoking.

Stay together. Keep fighting. And, yeah, this was a yeah. In a lot of ways, I mean, this it was a.

Like I said and preached, we are professionals. We all have a job to do. We got to do it better.

I like balls that are super hot.

I can't think of any loss. It's not a bitter pill to swallow. And pick yourself back up and go back to work and fight on.

What happened now?

Oh, man. Shit. The ball just hit my knee. Shit. I just I just ain't catch.

My favorite Pokémon right now, probably Snorlax.

You know, every single game, it's about, "Let's reset. Let's reload 6 seconds at a time."

Our philosophy, any time we get the ball in the ridge, I'm really trying to score.

I could have had a brain fert.

You know, this is the ultimate team game at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, we didn't execute.

At the end of the day, we scored enough to win the game.

At the end of the day, they made the play. You know what I mean? Hats off to them.

Again, at the end of the day, we got to find a way out there.

But at the end of the day, it's about my brothers.

At the end of the day, it's our job to play. Gave up some explosives, and that comes back to execution at the end of the day.

I didn't even ice when I when I used to pitch, so that probably wasn't good for me. But.

It's disappointing. It's disappointing.

Yeah, it's a must-win. Every game's a must-win. And I hope every, as I said, man, woman in that building, support staff, coaches, everybody have this mindset.

Yeah, no, I never had any elbow issues. Thank God. Knock on wood.

Again, our guys didn't blink.

This is Giants-Eagles.

Just bring your hard hat and keep playing all the way through the down through the game.

Going out every single play and playing it like it's own play.

We were giddy. I think, you know, we were kind of beside ourselves. Some of you guys use words like that, you know, giddy and things like that.

We are a gritty team. Gritty, not pretty.

I'm typically the big eraser. That's my identity. That's what I've been.

Man, guys are fighting their butts off out there.

Getting better week by week, day by day, shovel by shovel, barrel by barrel, and just keep going.

Keep being the big eraser. And today, today, I wasn't.

Things going to happen. Life's going to happen. You're going to lose some games. You're going to win some games. You may tie here and there.

That little phrase, "Anytime, anyone, anywhere," something like that. Put the ball down, spot the ball. We got an opportunity to play, play another down, play a game. Nobody cares about what goes on until that ball is played. Like, all y'all judging is, you know, what it looks like then and there. So let's erase outside stuff. Play for each other. Play for our brothers. We have one standard, one way to play.

It's disappointing. It's disappointing.

So Aaron Glenn is spelling it D-I-S-A-P-O-I-N-G.

Disappointing.

Disappointing.

Disappointing.

Disappointing. He can't so Aaron Glenn simply cannot say disappointing. He's just saying disappointing. There were a couple of things from the broadcast last night that I actually enjoyed hearing. One, I'd never heard it put this way before, but it made perfect sense. And I wish we had something similar for the Notre Dame-Miami catch-non-catch. The pass along the line of scrimmage that went through early in the game that ended up being a turnover because it was behind the line of scrimmage. They had the perfect analysis for it when they went to the rule booth.

Isn't that great?

Is it?

Isn't that why we love football?

I don't think that's the reason we love football.

Maybe not Miami fans at the moment, but if it was so black and white and I don't mean that in a race way. I know you like to make everything about race, Dan. I mean that in a way of like.

That's disappointing.

It's something definitive. Otherwise, we wouldn't have the opportunity to debate it and have feelings and be so sure about looking at the same thing but having completely different perspectives of what the result is. Otherwise, it would be a boring-ass sport. It would be checkers. And checkers does not draw the crowd that football does.

It would if I made it violent.

Put it on the poll. Would checkers draw the crowd that football does if you made it violent?

I'm good at checkers, by the way. I used to be a champion in high school. I won a checkers tournament. That play is not talked about if it happens in the second quarter of a Browns-Raiders game. I mean, it's only talked about because it cost Miami the game in a in what felt like a national championship game at South Bend. The game of the year.

Didn't cost them the game. At best, they were going to tie it.

Well, Mario intimated that they may have gone for 2 and gotten it and won by a point.

Oh, okay. Well, if he was going to get it, then of course.

Yeah. Right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, they would have gone for 2, and they probably would have gotten it. I'm reporting that.

I like that.

Thank you.

Dude, what are you basing that on?

Mario said it and maybe go for 2.

Mario said it.

Yeah.

Okay. So you've got because Mario said he was going for 2, you now have Mario making 2.

Well, he said maybe go for 2. But when you say maybe, it means you were thinking about it, which means you were going to go for 2.

The other thing I heard during the broadcast last night, and I know a lot of people are doing the microscope thing to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman because we love our soap opera stuff, and I'm going to get to Jaylen Brown and Jason Tatum here playing tonight in a second. The thing that Troy Aikman did last night that was an excellent tease to break, and it was some of the last words they said before they went to commercial, Troy Aikman just simply saying, "That's one of the best plays I've ever seen." And then they go to commercial right after that when the corner over on the other side of the field ends up getting an interception on a Josh Allen end zone throw that was he just had no business being over there, and he makes the interception.

Right before the first half ended, they were showing a clip of Justin Jefferson pregame jogging with, like, a bunch of expensive jewelry on. And, you know, Aikman takes this opportunity to, you know, talk about money a little bit.

I'm guessing that's insured. I just cannot imagine wearing that on a football field. Can't imagine wearing it, period. But I may try. Somebody will loan me some money.

Someone will loan me some money.

A little Joe.

For those of you who do not know, Justin Jefferson looked like he was wearing it was two thick diamond necklaces that were very tight to his like, they're not loose and dangling so that someone can break it off very easily. Very tight to his neck. He was wearing two diamond necklaces, correct?

Yeah, maybe even three.

But you could wear that pregame, right? Like, once the game starts, they got to take it off, right? No, he played the game with it.

No, no, you could totally keep it on.

Right underneath the shoulder pads. You can wear what you want.

Every time they show Justin Jefferson, so icy entertainment. So icy entertainment.

Every time. It was every time. The number of texts I got last night from people older than Troy Aikman, "What's he wearing?"

Your jewelry friends? What were those text messages like? Take us behind that.

What do you imagine? What do you imagine they're like? There's a text string of a bunch of old guys that I know, and they were complaining about how Nett Moore would have never done that. It's a bunch of old people. Like, we've really knocked this is as diva as the receivers get. You guys really realize how quietly they've actually gotten rid of all of the celebrations and so much of the attitude from the wide receivers? Like, this is not Terrell Owens's NFL anymore. Like, the most you'll get from a diva receiver is, "Let's talk about whether Neighbors has bad body language because he wants the ball more," or, "Let's talk about whether Justin Jefferson has too much ice."

They took all the celebrating away from the receivers and gave it all to the defense. Now, anytime there's a turnover, 49 guys start running to the end zone.

Choreographed dances in the infants.

River dancing.

The damn defensive coach ran off the sideline for the Dallas Cowboys and joined the celebration.

That wasn't a coach.

That was an injured linebacker with the last name overshown.

Whoever he was, he had on a jumpsuit. Get your behind to the side.

He was overshown on that play.

The greatest penalty ever.

When the interception happens in the red zone, and the whole defense is running 85 yards to the other end zone. It's patently ridiculous.

I mean, he didn't even notice you were trying to talk. He elbowed you in the neck.

He got to go with overshown. When you have an overshown joke, you go with the overshown.

He did not care whether you were talking. He did not care whether Amin was talking. He barreled in and stuck an elbow in Amin's neck.

I ain't first.

He boxed me out like Rick Mahorn. Just one big old hit.

I honestly didn't know you were talking.

I like the Mahorn reference. That's my era.

Amin was trying to say something, and you hit him in the larynx with your elbow.

Not as good as yours.

Go ahead, Amin.

It's all right. As soon as you said it was a black show, now look who takes over.

Diversity. Down Le Batard.

Yeah, very much so.

Imagine if someone told you you couldn't have a Corvette.

I'm a grown-ass man who's not filthy rich. I can't afford a Lamborghini.

Great cutie.

Well, I probably can, but that's beside.

Hey.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Big black.

No, look at.

This is the Down Le Batard Show.

What was Amin saying? I didn't hear him.

It really doesn't matter anymore.

I'd love all your hex-aid thoughts.

Really? Because I've got a lot. Whoa.

Hold on. Let me pull up my notes app.

Wow.

I read the articles of impeachment. I read it, and I was like, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense." So basically, if you guys don't know, Pete Hexett, the secretary of defense or war, whatever you want to call it, he's being impeached. They have presented the articles of impeachment, and it's Representative Massey from Kentucky, who is a Republican, who is presenting this. So this is not, like, a partisan thing. This is the call is coming from within the House. And so he's basically getting impeached on eight different things. But the major one is going to war without Congress's authorization.

That's a main one.

That's a big one.

And then.

Sounds big.

It's a big one. And then, and I quote, "Continuation of such actions," and then extrajudicial killings, right?

Oh.

So this is basically ignoring the rules of war, rules of engagement, which he has called, quote, "stupid." The, quote, "stupid" rules of engagement, right? He ignores laws that minimize civilian casualties. We know about the middle school or, excuse me, the elementary school that was bombed on the first day of the war in Iran. And his response was basically, "Maximum lethality, not tepid legality." And then, yeah, these are all quotes. I'm not making this up trying to be funny. And then boasted to the largest assembled gathering of generals and admirals in US history and said, quote, "Don't fight with stupid rules of engagement."

Man.

It's all over my televisions now as we continue to alter some of the errors of the last couple of years and the general incompetence that has been put in an assortment of authority positions in order to try and break the government with illegalities, corruptions, immoralities, and stupidity.

I think the important thing is this process started prior to these elections. So this isn't, again, the blue wave has done it or whatever. Again, Representative Massey is a Republican, and he's basically was the one who started this. And obviously, the articles of impeachment have been filed. He's outgoing. He lost his seat. So he won't even be around to see it if it trickles past the first of the year. So I just want to point out, like, yeah, there is a feeling nationwide of a correction of some of the things that happened, but this is something that happened before.

And a journalist.

And a journalist, yep.

By accident. Zazlow, you know who Hexett is?

He's the guy.

The guy.

Colin Jost on SNL, right?

This allows me to segue seamlessly into a new game we're going to play here that we've taken too long to play.

Is it a war crime?

Hawkens. It is not a war crime. It is a crime against football because we've been complaining about college football and the idea that you're throwing it to judges. So we've decided to do this with the NFL and the ZFP. We have new rankings here of the NFL teams.

Oh, yeah.

We're not doing this by divisions. We're not doing it. We're getting a committee together, and we're doing the ZFP, where we're taking the NFL teams and we're going to rank them. For example, a trick I'm going to play with you here. Your answer to the Vikings might have been different three days ago where you'd rank them than it would be today. Where would you put Denver? If just off the top of your head, give me a number for Denver in the new ZFP rankings.

In the ZFP rankings, they would be, what, four?

Well, and for context, Hawke, 14 teams make the playoffs, all right? 14 teams. The top two teams get a bye, all right? Like, every Tuesday night, tonight, you're going to have the college football playoff selection committee show. They're going to tell you the rankings, you know, 1 through 12. I'm giving you every Tuesday now the NFL playoff rankings. The ZFP, Greg, 1 through 14. Again, top two get a bye.

Cody, you can have your own CFP for the NFL. You can have the.

No, no, not CFP. ZFP.

Yeah, CFP is already taken, unfortunately.

ZFP. Top two teams get a bye. 14 teams make the playoffs. Division winners.

What are you laughing at, Hawke?

Right now, leaders get automatic playoff points.

What are you laughing at?

Because you told Cody he could have his own in his ZFP, and then that's like.

So why am I yelling?

ZFP.

So ZFP stands for.

ZFP?

ZFP stands for College Football Playoff. ZFP is just.

What about the Cody football playoff?

Zazlow.

He wants to do it. He wants to.

Mine are better than yours.

He wants to do his own ZFP.

Zazlow Football Playoff?

That's right.

I'll do my CFP right now.

Nope. You're not putting any thought into it. I put a lot of thought. Respect the process, all right? I put a lot of thought into this.

Why is football playoff is being made as you go, dude.

Top 14.

All right. You ready? This is the debut reveal. Every week we're doing this. We're going to have a good team here. I feel it.

These are the NFL playoff teams today. Number 14, the last spot, the Carolina Panthers.

Nobody from that division should be allowed to play in this game.

Well, automatic berth, Dan.

No.

Number 14, the Carolina Panthers with 3 and 5 right now.

Why are they wanting the berth? They just want the 14 best team.

I know, but they get an automatic berth. They're leading the NFC South.

That's how they live.

Number 13, the New York Giants.

Disappointing.

Yep. The Giants are 5-2 and 1 and leading the NFC South. They are the current 13th seed.

You don't even know what division they're in. How can you rank?

I'm sorry. Coming in at number 12 seed.

Can I stop you for just a quick second? I want to run something by Hawke here just to put a little football information here that's just not ZFP.

Yeah. I already don't like this, but go ahead.

I feel, just from watching, like Harbaugh doesn't like his running back. Like, doesn't like him as an employee. Doesn't like Scatterboat. Just would prefer if Scatterboot were not a thing in his locker room.

I feel like he would prefer if Scatterboot wasn't a thing in his life. Like, that's what the feeling I get from Harbaugh is. And it started way back in the day. I could imagine when he was the Baltimore Ravens coach and he saw some of the antics that those damn rookies in New York were doing, he wasn't a fan. Then you get the backflips in the offseason. You get to the preseason. He's arguing about whether or not to take a knee or go for a touchdown. And then in the season, your big bad bruiser running back with all the commercials.

Number 12. The 12th seed right now, the Seattle Seahawks. Struggling a little bit right now, Dan. The Seahawks, they're only 5 and 4. Number 11 seed, the Pittsburgh Steelers. At number 10, the Minnesota Vikings.

Wow.

Yep. They're the 10th seed right now.

They pooped on the field last night.

At number 9, the Kansas City Chiefs. Now, seeds 3 through 8 get home playoff games in the first round.

I want you to be honest about something. Was this graphic made last night before the Vikings played?

Yes. We want to give the video team as much time to put something awesome together as possible. Number 8, Green Bay. Yeah. The 7th seed are the Cincinnati Bengals. Now we're getting to the nitty-gritty here. Number 6.

You do that on purpose because they do the gritty?

Yes. Number 6, the Detroit Lions. Yeah. The 5th seed are the Denver Broncos.

That wasn't hard.

Ooh. They got a lot of quality winners.

Wait a minute. Hold on. I heard before, I heard Halloween sound from Roy, but I heard some objection from Greg on his CFP list. What are you writing down?

I'm making sure I have an equal number of AFC and NFC teams, which I really didn't pay attention to.

Why?

Oh, I don't need that? Okay, good.

Okay, good contribution. I'm glad you wrote that down.

The 4th seed.

Good.

After their win last night, although, as Dan noted, these rankings were before their win last night, the Buffalo Bills. Good quality win though last night on the road. Number 3, the AFC South leading Jacksonville Jaguars are hosting a first-round playoff game right now.

Oh.

And the top two seeds who both get a first-round bye, remember, Dan.

Bye-bye, bye.

Number 2, the Chicago Bears. And the number 1 overall seed right now. Again, this could change on a week-to-week basis.

Yeah, if anyone gets hurt by a power plant.

Number 1 are the San Francisco 49ers.

Spoiler.

And that right there is the ZFP top 14.

Seahawks, though.

Let me ask you a question. What do the Giants have to do to move up?

They need some more quality wins. Like, right now, the Giants, their best win, their best win of the season is at Philadelphia. Like, you got to get a better win than that. They need more good wins.

What's their best loss?

Well, they lost at the Rams, you know? But they also lost to New Orleans, and that's a bad loss.

I don't know if I trust the Giants and/or the Panthers more than the Patriots.

The Patriots are on the outside right now. They seem to be an omission here. Like, that's the greatest omission that's on here.

No, they're not making the playoffs.

Hang with them.

Hang with them. Don't get aggressive with me.

Also, Packers not on here.

Yeah, those.

Okay, they are.

They're on number 3.

Get out of here.

Rams maybe. Rams and Patriots outside looking in right now, I would argue that I would take the Rams over the Panthers.

Making sure you guys are all paying attention.

Minor penalty, 2 minutes for leaking confidence.

Rams don't have enough quality wins, Hawke. They got a quality team.

Carson Wentz, or not Carson Wentz, I'm sorry. Carson Beck.

Please show yourself out.

Carson Beck this weekend gets Miles Garrett and Aaron Donald, and he's playing with Reggie Virgil and Devin Duvernet. Like, oh, good God.

It's disappointing. It's disappointing.