Transcript of Will Sam Hartman Save The Bachelor? | Hour 1

You know, you mention Kirk Cignetti, and it begs a question: considering the type of season Indianas have and right now just one loss, and Notre Dame looked really good over the weekend, and the way that the Colts are sliding, Dave, it begs the question.

Begging.

In the state of Indiana, is this the largest gulf between professional football and college football teams?

What an asshole. Now listen, I want to ask you about this. You guys were talking earlier in the week about— it was just Veterans Day, and I revisit this every year, and I just asked it to Roy during the commercial break. Does anybody in that GD room know who Rocky Blyer is?

Yeah.

Sure.

You do? You do, Mike Rye?

Yeah.

How about you, Tashay? You love this country, don't you?

Any relation to Richard Blyer?

Of course it's say he loved the country. Note that.

Tony, you know who Rocky Blyer is.

Absolutely. I'm a GD American.

Yeah, tell everybody who he is.

Former Steelers player went to war.

With war, yeah, yeah.

Came back.

Came back. He came back after a war.

Deformed, might I add—

Deformed.

And played well.

Played well.

I think he won a Super Bowl. I think he won a Super Bowl, didn't he?

I think he won a Super Bowl.

Played well with a deformity, dare I say. Deformity might have been an advantage.

Yeah.

I'm on the side.

I don't know if it was an advantage for Rock, but he did win four. He didn't win at Lombardi. He won four of them.

Oh, my bad. Four of them.

It's an American hero, and it's outrageous that self-identifying football fans don't know who Rocky Blyer is. I also heard you guys talking earlier in the week about the advantage of a guy who has a broken hand or digit or whatever, and he wraps it up and he turns his hand into a club, a weapon, out on the football field. The greater advantage in history was Tom Dempsey, the head-on kicker from way back when, Portley fella, also born without a hand and with half a right foot. He turned that infirmity into an advantage.

Wait, he cut off his foot and he left it at the Pro Football Hall of Fame?

I think that's what happened. I'm not positive. I think he cut his foot off. I'm not sure about that. I think maybe it was just the shoe, but either way.

When he kicks the ball, did it go boing like an aluminum bat?

Dang nose. It was like a sledgehammer, like the thing you hit the strongman thing at the carnival.

Sledgehammer.

Hey, guys. At the carnivals— speaking of carnivals.

All right, there you go.

There you go.

It's time to shine, I mean.

Yeah. Actually, I've decided to go in a different direction from carnivals. Who is the most famous Notre Dame quarterback ever?

Joe Montana.

Ron Paulus. Who's the second most famous quarterback ever?

Joe Thysman.

Was he at Notre Dame?

Yeah.

Okay.

He literally changed his name from Thysman from—

Thysman.

Thysman to Thysman.

This should have been a Mr. Lister.

This should have been— Notre Dame quarterback should have been a Mr. Lister.

Should have been. But I'm here to tell you that.

Joey Closson. Do an impromptu. Go, keep going.

Jimmy Closson.

Jimmy Closson.

Brady Quinn.

Brady Quinn. I'm just repeating what everyone else says.

Rick Myro. You're just— that's exactly right.

Rick Myro.

It's Mike Rye and B the Room.

All right. We already took some. Yeah, let's do it.

Ian Book.

Ian Book. You're going Ian Book. That is a good one.

Who was the—

DeShaun Kaiser.

I'm about to say it, man.

Nice.

Cleveland Browns.

Riley Lunin.

There you go.

Man, I named a lot. Hang on.

Yeah?

Give me a second.

Okay.

Give me a second.

I can fill that space.

That's okay. I'm not going to name active ones.

No.

Right?

No.

No.

Sam Hartman.

Sam Hartman. Ah. I think that's what I mean was looking.

That's what I was looking for. Because we're going to end Mr. Lister.

Keep going.

No. We'll pick it up later because I want to talk about Sam Hartman is going to be on The Bachelor, a television program that I've watched exactly zero times other than the season of Always Sunny where Frank was on the Golden Bachelor. That's as much as I know about The Bachelor. As far as I know, it is.

All you need to know.

It's a blow-by-blow remake that they did over there. But Sam Hartman is the new Bachelor. And.

Harry Hanratty?

I did not know whether or not, like, that's normal that they get someone who's famous to be The Bachelor, or is it just a good-looking dude who's got his shit together?

Sometimes.

Steve Berlein?

Steve Angelli?

Like, and by the way.

Like, they're not super famous, but there's some times that people have some sort of notoriety that get into this role.

Was it Jesse Palmer's brother?

Jesse Palmer was on it?

No.

It was Jesse Palmer himself. It was Jordan Rogers' brother.

Yeah.

Jordan Rogers.

Jordan Rogers.

So there's some guys that have a football tie.

Yeah. This is like, yeah, this is a third quarterback, at least.

Right. Well, because they're like, they know how to talk, right? Like, they know how to.

Good-looking guy.

Good-looking guy.

All-American.

All-American.

Strong chins.

Yeah. All that stuff, right? No, but does this make— here's the thing. Sam Hartman, I wouldn't say is famous, right? Most people, you can walk in here and slap everybody, no one's like, "Who is that guy?"

No, I wouldn't know it.

You'd be like, "Oh, that jaw. It has to be Sam Hartman."

Yeah.

Who is that?

Yeah. But.

No, he's considered the most handsome football player of the last, like, decade or so.

But here's my thing. After this show, he will be the most famous quarterback in Notre Dame history, which is insane. And I know Joe Montana must feel great about that because everyone knows he's famously very gracious about things like that, right? "Oh, Rudy, what a great movie."

No, Sam Hartman's on the precipice of a huge booming media career. The same way that Jesse Palmer parlayed The Bachelor. Jordan Rogers did. Like, they all ended up doing media. You're in front of the cameras. You have notoriety. This is going to be big for Sam Hartman.

It's a real big-time thing. Like, I'm trying to think, what is the equivalent? Maybe dating a Kardashian? Is the only thing?

Yeah. And also, like, this is probably big for that franchise too. The Bachelor used to have a death grip on pop culture, and it's kind of eased up lately.

Well, people like Gojo and Mina Kimes used to do full-on radio shows about it, right?

Yeah. I'm not hearing that anymore.

No.

Even here, we would do— on Mystery K, we would do Bachelor in Paradise reviews, me and Chris.

Yeah. Bachelor in Paradise, what's that?

Yeah, that's the secondary one. So people that got kicked off The Bachelor or Bachelorette will go to Bachelor in Paradise, which is they basically take you to, you know, Mexico or the Bahamas or something, and they have you in, like, this compound where all the failed Bachelor and Bachelorette people try to mingle with each other and leave, you know, engaged.

Got it. The.

Tony Rice.

The dating show as a gambit. It had a heyday. You know about The Bachelor, remember? Flavor of Love, remember? Rock of Love, do you remember? I Love New York. All of these shows were tremendous.

I remember.

Tremendous. And now you're telling me— but it feels like these love shows are in. People love Love Island. People love that.

Love is blind. They love it out.

Maybe that's probably what happened in The Bachelor. Love Island came in, and Love is blind, and all these— Love on the Spectrum, all these things came in.

Yeah, the stakes were different. Like, you were dealing with normal people. That's why the best seasons of those shows are the first few seasons before it's just people who want to become influencers. Because, like, when you look at the very beginning of Love is Blind, particularly in the UK where it started, those early seasons, you've just got crazy people who are there not thinking about what their life is going to be after this place. They're just in this villa on this island, and it is insane, where now you feel like it becomes a little more performative. They know they're going to be famous.

Now, when I used to watch these shows, this was a common refrain among the contestants when they get alone, right? Because The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or whoever, like, the main person that they're vying for has gone back to the mansion, and now the rest of us are out here and we're drinking. And there's a lot of, "You're not here for the right reasons."

No, I'm not here.

"She's here for the wrong reasons." For the wrong reasons, right?

That's number one with a bullet.

Is that still a thing on The Bachelor?

Yes. Absolutely.

Here for the right reasons slash wrong reasons.

100%. You're not here to find love. You're here to find fame.

No.

Kenny Minchy.

The other thing that would happen is.

Air Kiel.

The main person that they're vying for would have, like, a— first of all, the big prize at the end of the competition. They do competitions, right? And the big prize was you get a date with me.

Yeah.

And then, like, you had to make out on the date.

Tommy Reese.

You had to make out on the date.

Correct.

You couldn't— it couldn't just be like a lovely— no, no, we're going to make out. And then afterwards, would retire to a room where he or she would have to figure, "Oh, this is such a tough decision," right? And they go through, like, flashbacks of the date they went on, but things that they saw during the day of like, "Hey, even though she didn't win the competition, I really liked that she did this." Do they still do that on The Bachelor?

They still do everything. Like, all the tropes and all of, like, the tentpole attractions for Bachelor and Bachelorette, they still do. The problem is nobody's been watching because it hasn't been good.

Carlile Holiday.

So Love Island and Love is Blind and Love on the Spectrum, do they do those kind of formats?

They don't really have challenges, like athletic. You know, it's like, "All right, we're going to get all the guys together. We're going to play football." Like, that doesn't really happen. It's more so, "We're going to ply you with alcohol, and then we're going to make you have bad decisions, and then we're going to film it, and then we're going to use it against you."

Carol LaMonica. Hey, I once— on my first day on ESPN Radio, I had the occasion to talk to Jesse Palmer, a book guest. He was talking about college football. This is just after his turn as the Bachelor. And before we got into college football, I asked him, "Hey, real quick, Jesse Palmer, you played the Game of Life on The Bachelor. What was your number on that show?" And he said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "I think you know what I'm getting at there. You know, 20 women, 25 women, you know, how many? What was your number?" And he said, "I'm not sure what you're getting at, but I assume this is a family show."

Too high?

No. And that wasn't— I said, "Did you get the six?" He said, "No."

No.

I think that's about right. I said, "Oh, you got six. You didn't get the extra point, but you got six. Good for you." And then we moved on and had what I thought was a fascinating deep dive into the state of college football at the time. The next morning, though.

Get a call?

I woke up to a phone call from the ESPN bosses. Jesse was very offended by your line of questioning about how many women he took down on The Bachelor. I said, "Listen, I'm not the one who went on a reality show in which the intent is to bed down as many women as you can bed down." I don't think I'm the one out of line.

Is that what the best thing—

I'm Jesse Palmer. I think it was Jesse Palmer's sin that I asked him about, for him to now get offended and get up on Mount Pius, when obviously that's exactly what he was there to do. He took down six women, didn't he? And now to be offended by that, for me to shine a light on that, I thought was untoward. Nevertheless, it was my first day, and so I was instructed to call Jesse Palmer and apologize. Thank Jesus I got his voicemail because I can't imagine if I had to have his live voice on the other end. But still, I found out.

I would love to hear that voicemail.

Like a fly in the wall, like, "Hey, Hublot."

Hublot. Find this voicemail.

"Hey, Jesse. This is Dave Dammishek. You were on my show."

What's a poop, fella? Hey, listen.

You were on my show yesterday. I asked you a question about how many women on The Bachelor you made sweet love to, and that was out of line, and you have my apologies.

Can I say something? Sucker move. Sucker on.

On whose part?

On Jesse Palmer's part.

Why?

Like, it's like, number one, ask me a question. Ask me an invasive, intrusive question.

I mean, how many women have you been with?

Come on, man. I'm not answering that question. How many women have you been with?

Oh, I'm not going to answer that question.

Like.

Ding Christ.

Number one, right? Number one, I don't have to answer the question. Right? But let's say I played along, and then afterward, I felt bad about it. You know what I do? Let me reach out to the guy who asked me the question. Well, I'm going to call some bigwig. I'm going to take it up all the way up to corporate, up to the top level.

Try to get him in trouble?

Try to get him in trouble. What a soft move. Grow up. Pick up a phone. Call the person you got a problem with. Let them know that you're not sucking any D.

I would say maybe the follow-up when he did kind of do what you're talking about. He's like, "Oh, I just thought this was a family show." Like, he tried to play along.

Sure. But like, he doesn't have to answer it. You know how many times— forget about intrusive questions. You know how many times people ask me questions on the radio, and I just answer something completely different? I just talk about something completely different. Like, it's like, "Hey, what do you think about the Sixers and their chance of winning a championship?" Well, yeah. I mean, the Sixers, that's great. But let me talk to you about the Milwaukee Bucks. Wow.

But you're great at what you do.

I'm saying what he's on your.

And you're incredibly humble.

I know.

But he was having it both ways, don't you see?

Yes.

He's betting all these women on a TV show, but shame the devil that they would ask him about that. Who's the real villain in this equation? If it's an issue to talk about betting multiple women in a scenario like that, who's the real violator here? Is it me asking about the misdeed, or is it the guy who did it? I'm like.

Absolutely.

How you can't be offended by me asking about your behavior.

Dave, you are not the villain here. The villain is Jesse Palmer because you're supposed to only be with the women in the honeymoon suite, which is down to when you have two or three women. All of a sudden, the math's not mathing there. You've got six. You're supposed to only have two or three. Wait a second. Extracurricular activities.

That's nuts. I didn't know that. I thought they were just banging left and right.

No, no, no.

That's what she said.

Dan Le Batard.

I don't like the word blue, but I do have at least one pal that I can think of who has— actually, he says he fell asleep in Koidus.

Dave Dammishek.

You may look at me and be surprised to hear this. I happen to be a vigorous love maker, so that would never happen to me.

This is the Dan Le Batard Show.

But still, like, the move to call someone and call someone's boss to complain, rather than talk to them directly, either in the moment or after the fact.

That's a big Walt Disney Corp thing.

What?

Call the bosses to handle your dirty work.

That's not a— that's a coward company type stuff.

Hey, Jesse. This is Dave Dammishek.

Yeah.

It was my first day on the air, so I hope this isn't a big deal.

See, I like it because the first day on the air is tremendous, right? Like, the Dave Dammishek is going, "I'm going for a splash immediately." But the other part is the idea that.

I'm being a human being. Of course that's the question.

But I'm going to tell you, Dave, because you have painted a picture when you're recreating it very, you know, like, almost like sheepishly, like a child told to go apologize for breaking the window with the baseball is the way you're doing it. Meanwhile, I think me and Mike are imagining current day, full of venom and vigor, Dave Dammishek. It's like, "How about this? Who are you in applesauce?" Right? I mean, what is that about? That's weird, right?

Your bosses called me. That's weird, right?

And it's like, and you know what? Betting women. We park our cars in the same garage.

As we lay bare.

And they don't come to me from the top of Mount Pius complaining about my question.

Shame the devil. Vigorous love maker.

I myself am a vigorous love maker.

Well, you know, that's not the only incident I've had when I've gotten a stern talking to. I once was flown from Los Angeles out to our nation's capital amidst Kirk Cousins' improbable run. You like that and all of that. You remember the heyday of that. Kirk's back in the news. Weird name for a baby, by the way. Kirk.

Kirk.

Who's this little cutie? Kirk. Kirk Cousins, you know, had taken over, drafted in the same class as RG3, famously or otherwise. RG3's career destroyed. At that point, Kirk Cousins runs Washington into the playoffs wild card round 48 hours before this big game in his career. I have a sit-down book to talk about the origins of you like that and all of that. And beforehand, little warm-up, Pierre Garcon, his primary target that season.

Pierre Garcon.

And I are sitting down. We have a 10-minute interview to get to know Kirk, what's he like as a teammate, and all of that. And I start asking right at the tail end of the interview, "Are there different scenarios for you like that? Like when you go to the yogurt shop and he has his favorite flavor?" You like that? Does he intone his voice differently? Or like in the showers afterwards, when he's standing bare in front of his teammates, you like that kind of thing? And Pierre Garcon and I laugh at that. And then I hear from across the room, "Hey!"

PR guy, yeah.

In Washington, yeah, who has shouted down guys at the end of Monday Night Football and otherwise. And he is none too pleased with my line of questioning.

Really?

And I said, "We're just having a laugh. We're just having a laugh. This isn't for the segment or anything, for the interview." And he's like, "Too bad. I'm not putting my guy in that chair now." And Kirk Cousins is with him. Kirk Cousins is standing with him. I've met Kirk a couple of times previously. And he said, "I can't put my guy in the chair." And I said, "What do you mean?" I was like, "Can't put him in the chair." All right, let's go ahead, Pierre. Great meeting you, Kirk. Let's get this done. And Tony says, "No, no. This is over with. This is canceled." And I said, "Well, listen, man." See, now tough guy Dave suddenly becomes quite scared.

Really?

I'm easy to— oh, yeah. I'm essentially like, "If you don't let me—" they have flown me across the country for this interview 48 hours before the big game. If I don't come back, they canceled it because I was making weener jokes. That probably is the end of my employment. So I'm like, "You can't cancel the interview." And he's like, "Well, that's what I'm doing." And I'm like, "Kirk, come on, man. You know I'm just joking around. This isn't— we were just joking around." Pierre Garcon's like, "Yeah, it was just a joke." And Tony Wiley's like, "No, no. I'm not doing it. It's over with. Sorry, sorry."

From the brass, of course, yeah.

From the producer. "What the hell are you doing?" I remember him saying this, "You understand this is the big time now, right?" Because my podcast was not big time, according to this guy. But this was the big time. And I felt the gravity of it. I'm talking with this quarterback. I'm across the country, and they're canceling the interview. It was a nightmare. Long story short, though, at the end of it, we did go back the next day, got a solid gold interview with Kirk. And at the end of it, to show how nice he is, Kirk said, "Hey, Dave, you did a really nice job with that interview."

Put it on the poll. Long story short, yes or no?

More like short story long.

I used to date a girl that would do that.

Short story long?

Yes. She would say that.

Oh.

She would say that while rambling.

Short story long.

That's a good story. Come on.

It was a good story, but short story long triggers me. I'm like, "Oh."

I'll better. I'm going to write that down.

Chris, the end of an era might be upon us in local sports. I know you should have done this in Local Hour, but we're doing this now. Is there— I've read.

Well, this is a national story.

Well, I've been listening to the news breakers, and they're saying sources say Chris Cody might be hanging up his sesta.

Considering it, you know, it's been a tough season at the fronton for the Cyclones. And there's, you know, with ownership changes happening. I'm just— I just want to take time and talk to my family. I haven't made any decisions yet, but we're just considering. You know, it's been a long career. We've had a good run with the Cyclones. I want to wait and see how it's going to look next season going forward. But we're just— I got to talk to my family.

Tonight's the last game of the season, right?

Tonight's the last Friday that the Cyclones will have. So that's with fans in attendance. We're going to toast this season and, you know, smile about the relationships that we had and the memories that we made. Two-time champs, two-times runner-up, and.

My news are friend forever, regardless.

Yeah, but.

Regardless of what?

Just I'm saying, whatever happens, you know, it's— we're going to take some time, talk to my family.

One thing's for certain. This sport and our relationship with it will never be the same after tonight.

This feels like when I was at Steve Kerr's press conference last year when they lost a play-in to the Suns, and he's talking about, like— like he's talking like it's over. It's done. And it's like maybe five people in the room. It's me. I think it's Anthony Slater. It's— who else was in? It's a handful of people. Oh, that was one where I was like, "It's Marcus Thompson. It's Wright Thompson." It's like— it's a murderer's row, Nick Fradell, a murderer's row of media people and me.

Yeah. So you want to ask about Inyaki?

Yeah. How's Inyaki doing?

You know, we haven't been able to shake the double fault that happened to us in the championship. We lost on a double fault. And in our Waterloo game, a game that could have turned around our season, it happened the exact same way against the same exact opponent. We battled back from 5-3 down, forced a match point, and we double fault, and the season's basically over after that. Really difficult season for us. This is not the way I want to go out.

One of our players who got injured just retired. So there's just a lot of emotions going on with this season right now. And I just want— like, once again, I want to talk to my family.

And you guys said it. Look, you're going to celebrate later. You're going to offer a toast. I want to make sure that we do that here because, Chris, you're a two-time champion, and I want to make sure that goes celebrated.

Yeah.

You're worth a toast.

We, we, not me.

Look, if this ends up being the end of the road.

Remember, I still want to talk to my family.

If it ends up being the end of the road after you talk to your family, I would like to request you guys to write and voice over a Kobe Bryant-style Dear Basketball letter to Highlight.

I want a Wright Thompson-style one.

Dear High— oh, talk about.

The sesta.

Talk about short story long.

Bold, tight with handcrafted integrity.

Is that like Ashley Schaefer?

In my plums. The fronton. A gathering place where the locals talk about pelota.

Let the show watch.

Oh, shit, man. All right.

All right. There you go.

Yeah, but here's what's on the table for us. Obviously, like, we're selling the team. We're going to be mega-millionaires. We're going to be fine.

Hey, talk to my family.

But we— because the new owners are coming in, the sport is going to change. And we're.

Forever.

We have a standing offer to be coaches.

Okay.

Coaches of.

And I can teach the game.

Yeah. We know a lot about it.

That's a downgrade for you guys going from owners to coaches, though, right? Because then now you got to be looking up in the front row.

I used to say I have more control. I feel like I have more control now. And it's tough out there. Like, if Inyaki's flirting with a double fault, I pull him.

Look, I'll tell you.

You do have that power.

I'll tell you right now, Steve Kerr came into the Suns part owner and general manager, hated it, obviously divested and quit the job, whatever, comes back as a head coach, Hall of Famer now. So.

Emotional time. Got to talk to my family.

I do remember you brought up that Warriors press conference. And I can't help but remember after the 2021-2022 season where the Heat lost in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Jimmy Butler came inches away from sending them to the finals.

Pinpoint her, yeah.

That was really— honestly, that was probably the best Heat team of that era, even though they didn't get to the finals. That's one that everybody felt could have won it. Pat Riley had this whole long press conference where he told a story about Udonis Haslam.

This was '22, right?

Yeah, '21-'22. So he tells this whole story about Udonis Haslam, and it's pretty emotional. And then right as that ends, Ira Winderman asks, "What's the plan for Omer Yertsevan going into next season?"

Big Yurt.

Yurt, who had— there was a stretch there with Yurt. We thought he was the guy. Double-double machine. 10 straight games of the double-double when Bam was out with a shoulder injury. Oh, man. The way Kyle Lowry set him up. Good old days.

Pache, I think you need to hold a press conference to explain how Chris Cody— I mean, I thought you were a high-end pitcher, and he put a bat on a pitch ball from you?

Yeah, I mean, it's okay to put bat on ball.

Bad at shattering to your.

No, I always wanted bat on ball. I wanted weak ground outs like what I got. The problem was I couldn't throw strikes. That's the disappointment. I'm only disappointed in myself.

So I have some background information from sources close to the situation that Jeremy was instructed to throw the cutting ball and kept saying, "No, I'm going to throw—" like, every time we saw him shake off, he actually was calling for the fastball.

So Ethan.

I don't reveal my sources, you know, as a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist.

Why?

Well, I.

Why? What was he doing?

I had a fastball and a curveball. That's all I could throw. And I told Ethan what my approach would be in the first at-bat, which went very well. Then after that, he was essentially calling the game. And pretty much every single time I went in thinking, "Okay, so clearly this is the pitch to throw in this part of the sequence," he was calling the opposite, which is why I was shaking him off.

Okay.

The issue for me is.

He said he kept calling for fastball.

Well, I wanted to throw fastballs because I just needed to get them over because you can't get them to swing. I wanted some swings and misses, right? That's the payoff that would have been nice, is if I could have gotten a couple more swings and misses. And the way I thought I could do that is if I could throw a fastball for a strike, then I could get him to swing and miss it a curveball. The problem was every fastball I was throwing toward the tail end of these at-bats was like four feet outside.

Aren't you embarrassed, though, that Chris Cody could put a bat on it? I thought, "Oh."

No, no, no.

Bat, bat, bat, bat, bat, bat.

Chris got a hit off Matt Lehtosen in high school, all right? So, by the way, wasn't a strikeout pitcher. I'm a guy who was pitching to ground balls. I always wanted there to be contact. I wanted weak ground balls. That's what I got in most of these at-bats. The problem was I couldn't throw enough strikes. When we do this again, because we will, and.

We're just going to do it on our own.

I'm not— yeah, no, it's going to happen because now I'm frustrated, if I'm being completely honest. This has been sitting with me for days, and the pain that's shooting from my hip down through my leg is a reminder every day of the fact that I failed at this. We will do this again, and when we do, it will be more impressive.

Dan Le Batard.

Let's throw it to my boy Jeremy Tache, who's sidelined right now. Cash money, what you got for me?

Jeremy Tache.

Thanks, Jax.

This is the Dan Le Batard Show.

Why will you do it again?

Because I can't handle recording.

We both just want to. Whether there are cameras there or not, we're yet to be determined.

Really? You guys are going to do the Rocky and Apollo from the end of Rocky III, just go to an empty gym by yourselves, and then go, "Ding."

Ding, ding.

Yeah, I'll be happy if there are cameras there, but there don't necessarily need to be. You could see I couldn't get the extension with the front leg because of the pain in my hip, which is embarrassing. That was— and Chris had the issues in the batter's box of a really soft batter's box. I also had a really soft mound. And in the future, we may use a.

What does that mean?

That's a soft batter's box.

So the dirt not really, like, tamped in there to where you could really get a grip with your feet of where you are. So he's kind of sliding all over the place.

He also didn't have cleats on.

I was, too. And so I was.

But you had cleats, right?

Oh, yeah. No, I had rubber spikes, but.

So you had spikes.

It doesn't matter.

He didn't.

I'm sliding on the mound, regardless of the cleats.

Yeah, but Chris didn't wear cleats, though.

Dude, hitting and pitching with cleats, it's a total different story.

No, but you're talking about the batter's box. He's got to dig in there with cleats, and Chris didn't have cleats. This whole thing is completely awry.

And I wasn't wearing my helmet or shoulder pad, so I had to wait until I was.

Who wins? Tache, Cody, it's got to be a younger generation, I feel like. I know I would injure myself very quickly. But if we did do Tony and Tashe and Chris Cody, who's obviously a player here, if we did do the regular guy, the Cathaline, which is who can throw a football the furthest, a field goal kicking contest, a free throw shooting contest, and we can round out a 50-yard dash. Now we're getting somewhere. Who wins that thing? Is it Cody?

No, I don't think so. Not if it's like a lot of running stuff.

With the things that you've mentioned, it's going to be me. 10 years ago, 10 years ago, man, Chris would have been like, "Duh."

No.

I was never fast. I mean, this show had a thing. Like, I was never fast.

It's not that you're fast. Again, it's not that you're great.

He outran Chris Whittingham. That's what we're talking about.

It's not that he's great.

Apollo.

Here's the thing. It's not that he's great at anything. It's just that he's good at a lot.

No, that's right.

Mediocre people can be their best all day.

That's what I have going for me.

So that's what I'm saying.

I won't be the worst at a single thing we do.

When you expand it to a variety of things, right, that's the thing that gives him the advantage. Because he is decent at a variety of things, even if you are an elite at certain things. He's going to be decent at the things that you're going to be terrible at.

But if I'm more elite at what he is decent, then all of a sudden.

But it depends. Like, how many categories are we talking about here? We're talking about 10 categories.

Anything basketball, anything football-related.

Right. I said that last week. Those are the two sports where I don't have a shot against Tony.

Right.

I mean, if you're the.

The other eight categories is what I'm saying.

And if we're talking about everybody here, I think I would do fine at a free throw shooting contest, maybe against everybody else except Tony.

Right. Right. But you see what I'm saying?

Nick Carraway says in Great Gatsby, the most limited of all specialists, the well-rounded man, Chris Cody, right?

I mean, you know, they say people say that. I think of it like glass half full. It's like, "Hey, I need a fifth for this. I need another guy for this." It's like, Chris is like, "I can do that." Like, there's some things Tony you can be like, "I'm out on that."

Yeah.

Right? Like.

I'm a specialist.

You see what I'm saying? And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying, like, if the competition.

If there's ping-pong involved, Chris is going to win.

Bowling.

Right? Like, you see what I'm saying?

If there's like funny sports, he's going to win.

Baseball?

Soccer? Who's.

Closest to the pin.

I would be if we're like doing.

If we're playing Miami.

If we're doing free kicks from like outside the 18 box, I'm better than Tony at that. Like, I can bend the ball a little bit.

You got placement?

I can shoot on goal.

Bend it like Chris? How about that?

I mean, he'd probably have better stamina than me if we were playing like a 90-minute soccer game.

Let's be honest.

Like, I can bobble the ball.

Do your faux.

Cody, does your faux play goal in that scenario?

That's fine because I.

If he did, I should be a goalie too.

Tony Cody.

Oh, really?

Good and goal. I heard you give up some goals at the time.

I gave you a lot.

I gave you one because I put my body on the line because nobody else wanted to. Everybody else wanted to play striker. That's the thing with Mike— Mike plays soccer regularly, and he also plays in goal. You know what I've realized about people in soccer, which I don't like? Everybody wants to be messy. Everybody wants to play 9 or 10. Everybody wants to be the striker. You got 19 guys trying to kick the ball into the goal. Nobody wants to play defense. Nobody wants to be in goal. So what do they do? They put the big guy who can catch in the back, and they said, "All right, buddy, you got it." And then I stopped three or four shots. And then one, I got bored, and I said, "You know what? I'm going to dive here."

Can I.

And I dove, and I stopped the ball, but the problem is it ricocheted and I went back into the goal.

So let me tell you right now, Tony. Let me give you something as a lifelong soccerman. When you first start playing.

Soccer is an easy sport, by the way.

When you first start playing, instantly, the person who is asked to be keeper is usually the worst player.

Yeah, typically.

That's how it starts.

No, I know.

Over time, of course.

Well, they didn't ask me to be keeper first. They had me at center back, which I found.

Which is also— it's like right field.

I found that more embarrassing than playing goal.

Yeah. Like, keeper is actually— like, there's some action going on. Center back, you're really kind of like stuck there. But to be keeper is like— that's the demotion. And then on the other side, striker, because a lot of people don't know how to play or don't really know how to play. They think, "Oh, I never have to come back. I can just start my life."

You've done a lot. Nobody came back.

At midfield and just move forward. And that's why they do that. But like, the real— you know what I play when I play soccer? I was a left wing, man. I loved playing on that left wing as a right-footed player because I like to cut to the inside. But I still had a good left foot. I could still cross. I could still strike with it. But I loved to bring Akin to the box.

But guess who they called into the box during the corner kicks?

Who was that?

Me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, because I'm bigger than everybody else by a foot and a half.

Bigger than Miami soccer players? You? You're short? All right, Roy, calling for ISO here. I'm working on something.

In the Magic City, the viejos still remember the sound, the crack of a goatskin ball off a granite, moving faster than any person should be asked to catch. The fronton is mostly quiet now, the bedding window's dark, but if you sit long enough in those empty seats, you can feel what this place once was: a cathedral built for a game that came from the Basque Hills, carried across an ocean by people who believed speed and courage were the same thing.

You just wrote that?

Holy crap.

That's pretty impressive.

I mean, in the Cellar Bright Times, an easy prompt.

Added viejos for flair. Dave, you have an interesting what-if that you posited before the show because, as we hear locally, moan the state of the Miami Dolphins.

Oh, okay. I don't know where you're going there, especially with the news on interwebs and whatnot.

Dave, you think that Malik Willis actually has done a pretty good job?

I think he's been fine. I also would just want to— I'm putting the list together. I'm up to seven different tests for the regular guy, the Cathaline. Yeah, I think that Malik Willis, as I said to you in July and August and September, and somehow you guys have still fallen into this weird spot where you guys are putting an outsized amount of the blame for the Dolphin season on Malik Willis when he was dropped in there to be the sacrificial lamb. I did feel bad for him because it was clear that the Braintrust, as they moved down from Green Bay, circled Malik Willis and said, "You're our guy.

I would say at least 500. At least 500, maybe even better.

At least 500. You think Josh Allen would have that bum roster at 500? Now, that's the worst name to throw out because he is dragging the Bills, who are way more talented than the Dolphins. But I think we're overstating how bad the rest of the Bills' roster is if you actually believe that. The Dolphins are intentionally— they are wired to lose games this season. Josh Allen would not have them at 500.

But I feel like you're going based off the perception of what the Dolphins' roster was going to be going into the season, but through eight or nine games, they are shocking everyone with how well they're playing. Their defense is keeping them in games. Their offensive line is above average. I mean, yeah, their receivers are a little unproven and young, but I just feel like everyone except Malik Willis has overachieved, actually, so far this season.

It's also about the schedule, right? If you look, the Raiders, the 49ers, the Chiefs, the Vikings, the Bengals, the Jets, Patriots, Lions. Like, they've played a really tough schedule. But if you sub in Josh Allen there, '17 will beat the Raiders. He would have beaten the Vikings with Kyler Murray and that terrible offense.

They almost did it without him.

Exactly. They would have beaten the Patriots and the Lions. Like, you're looking at a 4 and 5, 4 and 4 team going into week 9 or 10.

500.

Josh Allen is anomalous, I guess, at this point for his ability to really just fully drag a team. What do you think, Patrick Mahomes? Where would the Dolphins be with Patrick Mahomes instead of Malik Willis? Joe Burrow, high-end QBs.

Ooh.

I think similar to Josh Allen.

Who you can't just snap the ball to and let him run around with and truck defenders.

How would the Bills be with Malik Willis?

I mean, the reason I asked that question is because it came up that in Pittsburgh, people said, "Oh, there were a lot of Steelers fans in the preseason advocating for Malik Willis over Aaron Rodgers." I was one of them, and I said, "I still think that they would be better suited going into '27 if Malik Willis were there." And by the way, they'd be 5 and 3 or 6 and 2 if Malik Willis were the quarterback this season.

Dave, you're our NFL expert. I posited this the other day. We found out that he's since retired. But a couple of years ago, when the Dolphins were still feeling good under Michael Tampa and Tua was pretty good, but we knew he was injury-prone and concussion-prone, Ryan Tannehill was out there, and I said, "Why don't you go out and get Ryan Tannehill to be the backup?" And Ryan Tannehill was like, "No, I want to be a starter. I'm not going to be a backup anyway." And I was like, "Ryan Tannehill, you're a backup here. You're going to be a starter at some point." So had the Dolphins convinced Ryan Tannehill to come back to be Tua's backup a couple of years ago before the bottom fell out, could he have saved this entire Mike McDaniel experience?

The one I always go back to, man, is that— was it the Monday night game against the Titans when they had the lead? This entire thing would be very different. Mike McDaniel would probably still be the head coach of the Dolphins, and Tua would still be there. If they would have held off the Titans in that Monday night game, they would have won the division. They wouldn't have had to go to frigid arrowhead for that playoff game. They would have beaten Pittsburgh in Miami, and things would feel very different than they are right now.

Hit it, Roy.

Where now stands Alaon Medical Center Urgent Care, a repurposed blue and yellow sign still lit against a high subtropic sunset, like a lighthouse for a coast that's already washed away. There once was thousands of these. Friday nights, they held a country, fathers and sons arguing in the new-release date aisle, teenagers reading the backs of boxes they were too young to rent, everyone walking out into the parking lot with a plastic case and the promise of a few hours together as a family.

Oh, man.

That right Thompson's good, boy. I'll tell you.

There were always LAON Medical Centers down there.

Or Quirantes Orthopedics.

I think I've got the oldest kids here, yeah. Like, I don't know if my kids know what blockbuster is. I think I'm going to have to explain to them tonight. I'm like, "You know what?"

We went to a place.

Yeah.

And they had all the movies there.

Like a lighthouse for a coast that's washed away.

Ah, damn. I miss blockbusters.

And sometimes you would walk up to the thing, and the movie wasn't there.

Oh, my God. The box. Ah. Or about video games. You ever get video games blockbuster? That was the worst.

NCAA Football 2003 with Joey Harrington on the cover.

The red sleeve shining on your face like the Ark of the Covenant.

Just seeing it, it was like they're picking away the box.

You would have to bring this one back in 48 hours.

You know what, Mike Ryan? I might F with you.