Transcript of "Colin Jost" New

Willie, what kind of shirt you have on? What is that? It's cotton.

It's cotton? What's on the front? It's a thing.

It's a rooster.

It's a— well, no, it's not. It's a Liverpool Football Club.

Oh, what does mine say? Yeah.

And yours says "Out of Office." Yeah. Where did you get that particular freebie?

I used to work at Fox.

Listen, I can't wait to hear this, but let's do an older "Smartless" first. Welcome to "Smartless." Smart.

Smart.

Less.

Smart.

Less.

Uh, Sweet Sweet Willie is, um, is over on the pond. Um, across the pond.

Is that across the pond? I'm in, I'm in Liverpool.

Wait, why are you there?

My home away from home. I'm doing a little thing with the club.

Why didn't I know that?

With our friends at Tommy Hilfiger. Shout out Tommy Hilfiger.

There it is. We've got it. Was it ever Thomas? When did he go shorter with it? Have you asked him?

I haven't asked him. I'm going to have dinner with him later.

Well, it sounds like a perfect opportunity.

Which is what it's going to be. And yeah.

So, Seanie, you're back in Los Angeles.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I got to go to the club.

After an incredible Successful run.

What a run.

What a run. He's got himself an Olivier Award already from this thing. We will see what our friends over at the Tony— No, no, this guy's talent knows no bounds.

No, no, Jay, the Olivier's from Good Night Oscar.

Oh, the Olivier was for Good Night Oscar.

Did you win an Olivier?

Yeah, yeah, he sure did.

No way.

Yeah, isn't that crazy?

Um, but, but Shawnee, uh, yeah, so we haven't, we haven't started the award circuit yet. For, uh, no, you—

The Unknown. It's called The Unknown. But, but, but you can't because it's Off-Broadway.

So, I mean, Off-Broadway has no awards.

It does, but— and I got nominated for the one that they do, which is called the— I forget what it's called, but, um, is it called Off— it's very nice. It's Off-Tony.

Yeah.

Are they called the Tinnies?

The Tinnies.

Let me ask you a question. If you're Off-Broadway, do you need to go backstage and say hi to people, or—

No, you do not.

You do not have to do that. We, uh— but, but Sam Rockwell, we— your ears must Must have been Burning Sam came backstage.

I know you're working with him. Rock and roll.

He's so nice.

He's the best.

He's so sweet.

Yeah.

And, um, and yeah, I just got back two nights ago. It was great. And by the way, you know, the adrenaline dump, right? Don't you guys feel that after you do a movie or a TV show or a play or anything like that? When you're done, you're just like, oh man.

And yeah, and usually you get sick because the body knows it's now— now I can be ill, right? Um, but you came back and did you— what was your illness? Just basic nausea from all the, um, saturated unlimited fats that you—

I ate so much. I, I, I, on the plane back, I had ordered everything that I could. I had—

you, you order food on the plane?

Yeah, all the time. Yeah.

Is it like a menu?

Yes, yes, yes. I had the chicken, the beef, I had a hot fudge sundae.

You can't order two entrees on a flight.

You did. And I had like three pretzel rolls. I was so hungry. Because I hadn't eaten in 3 months because of the play. I lost all that weight. Anyway, who cares?

Wait, why didn't you eat during the play?

Because it's the whole thing I told you. You have to watch what you eat, when you eat, and you can't eat before a show because of acid reflux, and then you can't talk because then you're constantly clearing your throat. It's just like a whole thing.

Well, where does spaghetti bolognese with a side of Swedish fish fit in?

So that came— that comes after. Got it. After when I get home. After, like, I texted you guys a 2-show day. I'm like, "Oh, I'm done." No, we saw the pics, man.

You don't think the acid reflux would come from a midnight bowl of bolognese?

No, because I stay up long enough for it to not happen.

Oh yeah, 6 or 7 hours.

No, no, stay up, stay up. It's not like you're going for a walk. When you say stay up, you're just sitting on the couch and just letting it sit.

This is correct.

Why don't you sleep in an upright position? That way you can just eat.

I do sometimes.

The last possible moment.

I do. You want to get like a— you ought to get like a sleepable turlet. You know what I mean? That has like thing, and then you could be—

sure.

Yeah, remember how like in Clockwork Orange he had his eyelids, um, taped open? Yeah, maybe you do that with— do that with your valve, you know, just a tube right in there with bolognese and just go right to sleep.

Guys, my guest today—

why don't you just throw it in the toilet and cut out the middleman? You know what I mean?

Throw it in the toilet.

I hope your guest understands your dark, dark offensive humor.

He loves it, actually, which is good. Okay. My guest couldn't speak until he was almost 4 years old. We're gonna learn about that. When he finally did, he says he sounded like a member of the Soprano family. His mom was chief medical officer at the New York City Fire Department. She survived the collapse of the South Tower on September 11th.

Oh my God.

He once went through 12 dumpsters looking for his wife's lost engagement ring. They named their son Cosmo. He co-owns a decommissioned Staten Island ferry. Which he has called the single dumbest person of his life. Please welcome the longest-serving Weekend Update anchor in Saturday Night Live history. It's the hilarious and charming Colin Jost.

I think I got it first.

Colin Jost, you hate yourself.

Michael Che, what's up? Michael Che here. Hey, how's it going, guys?

What is up? Ah, what is up?

What's up, guys? That was really— I loved hearing that, um, you guys run down.

That can't be true. That can't be true.

I learned a lot about you guys.

Oh, you're—

by the way, all of it's unsurprising.

You're in your office right now. I can tell by the ceiling. Yeah, is that true?

Yes, these, uh, definitely asbestos ceilings that are still here.

Those are the kind of ceilings that you could stand on a chair, lift up one of them, and hide stuff up there, put this— put the square right back down.

Definitely.

You could have—

that's no control.

This one you see has a large stain of some kind that's been here since before I moved in.

Yeah, something up there is leaking that was hidden.

They came to the SNL offices like 5 years ago and they said, listen, over the summer you got to clear stuff out. We're removing asbestos from all the offices. And I was like, I've been in this office for 15 years.

No way.

It's too late.

Way too late. Really?

Yeah. They just found that out?

You ought to call one of those commercials that come on late at night with those doctors. You should join a class action.

I mean, well, I have that and I've got my vaginal mesh that I've got to call about too. Oh no.

I would know, really. Yeah, what's the progress on that?

It's not good.

The mesh is separating?

Yeah, the mesh is— it sounded great at the time, you know? He's like, you want to do this vaginal mesh? Sounds so cool, but then—

Right, of course.

Yeah.

Tell me, what is— just by the way, what is vaginal mesh?

Yeah, by the way, I wanted to ask too, but I was afraid I didn't know.

By the way, Jason, get more serious on the question.

Well, I did want to get back to the asbestos, and I wanted to pitch Colin, because I think I've pitched you guys, this before, and I don't remember your response, but Colin, could you please let me know if you think this— I'm thinking about getting into, uh, mold remove— a mold removal business based on just the company name that I've, I've got, uh, uh, nailed down. It's, it's, it's called Adjacent Abatement. Um, and I think if I could just go into that business, I'm, uh, I'll do pretty well just based on the name, title, and just, just the joke, the joke alone, the paint on the side of the vans, the bus benches, stuff like that. Pretty sure I'll get some nice, uh, traffic.

Oh, when people have extensive mold in their house, they just want to laugh. They just want to know they can laugh.

They're looking for a pun.

Honey, I hope we find some mold because I just want to call it Jason Abatement.

That's good.

By the way, I've never heard that. Um, right, Colin, thanks so much for doing this and being here.

Thanks for having me.

Busy— what is it, Thursday night? This is a busy time for you.

We are off, uh, we're off this week. I just came here because I was doing something nearby and I seemed like a good place to— it's so quiet here.

Well, that doesn't sound shady, doing something nearby.

I was doing something nearby. Edit that out.

Are you, are you, are you bugging Lauren's office again?

Not in a way he would say.

Have you seen, have you seen the new Lauren documentary?

I did. I just— we went to the I guess, premiere of it that was at Lincoln Center last week. And yeah, have you guys seen it yet?

Or no?

Yeah, it was very— I, I, it was funny.

It's—

there's people, you know, a lot of people in it are really funny. And, um, I found it kind of moving. I don't know that I even necessarily learned anything about him. In fact, right, he— in some ways he seems less known after having seen it. But it was, uh, it was— I found it kind of moving because he is very much him. And it felt like it was of his— in his voice, weirdly. I don't know.

Yeah, I love that he finally allowed somebody to like kind of dig in, right?

Yeah, I don't— I think the thing that people don't know about Loren, and you can attest to this, uh, Colin, is that, uh, Loren's really funny.

Yeah, he's—

he's— Loren is very dry, really funny.

Yeah, yeah. And he is— he is funny in it. Like, he's funny in it, but he'll— you know, someone will be talking about an idea on a whatever Friday night and pitch something, and he'll just look at them and be like, idiot, like He'll do things that are very out of character and always very surprising and funny. But it is, it's fun. He's funny in it. And, uh, and he, he lets them go to like his house in Amagansett, his house in Maine. And you see like, not like the all inside of the house, but like you see where, why he goes to those places to kind of escape and be in the woods and be in nature. It's, it's, I didn't, I was surprised at that.

Yeah, he seems very kind of— when I worked there, when I did the show, I think 83 years ago, he was always a little— he's scary if you don't know him, you know, because he's a little off-putting. Like, he doesn't speak much, so you don't know where you stand with him. At least that was my—

Yeah, he's kind of reserved until—

What if Colin's just like, "What are you talking about?

He talks to everybody." Like, he talks to everyone. He's never been—

Did he not talk to you?

He's like the most outgoing guy.

Huh?

He's like one of the most—

ton of jokes and back and forth.

You gotta slow him down.

Oh, hilarious.

Um, Colin, you— I think we've— the first time we ever met was only last year at Robert Downey's birthday party, right?

I think? Yeah, I think so.

And you were so kind. I don't know if you remember this. You mailed me the form that you have to fill out to get a face mold on Saturday Night Live. You mailed it. Do you remember mailing that to me?

For Louis? To get it to do with Louis?

I don't know, but it was like a format with my Polaroid on it and all my measurements and my head measurements. To get, like, a mold, and you just sent it to me.

I was like, "Oh, that's so nice." I happened to, yeah, like, see this, uh, you know, I think Jodie, who does all the wigs, and Louis does— I think they had all these things, and they were kind of getting rid of them. And I was like, "Wait, some of these are— they'd be cool." Like, they're also— some of them are historic and everything. It would be cool.

Yeah, they're cool. It's cool. It's like a cool memento to have.

Did you go ahead and get the face mold measurements, Sean? Yeah. And, and did you, did you have a couple of spares made up of my face?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Well, just walking through—

could we—

let me ask this— could Jason and I make masks and go as you for Halloween?

Or if you wanted to scare the shit out of me, just target practice and stuff like that. Why were you, um, excited about pursuing, um, a face mold?

Well, you have to. You did it. You're supposed to stand out there. Didn't you get a face mold?

I don't remember, and I don't think—

Doesn't everybody, Colin?

—track down the information on how to get one myself. It's a horrible process.

It's so indignant.

It's unbelievable.

God. Yeah. I don't know what the hell—

Yeah, you have to get one.

I don't know why they're with you and Scotty.

You probably did it, and you probably blocked it out because you get— you can't breathe. You know, you're breathing through just straws in your nose because your mouth has to stay steady. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine. It's very claustrophobic and—

But did Sean— did you get— you got information from Colin Colin about how you can go ahead and get another face mold of yourself, or—

well, all that information is on the form that they make for you. Yeah, right. So now I have it. Anyway, let's move on. No, we're not going to.

Now you have it, and that's a great thing. Yeah, yeah, why not? Just in case you might want to make a face mold of yourself.

Unless my head is shrunk or grown or something, it should be the same, right, Colin?

Oh man, you got to get a new model every 5 years. By the way, by the way, right, Colin? Like, as if Colin fucking knows Andrew. He keeps tabs on me. He just found a piece of paper and he was like, here's the person that you should talk to. He's not invested.

No, no. Then I went back to the files, I compared, I was like, well, these measurements are a little off from the last time.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

All right, so you know the famous thing about Jeff Daniels Got It Done, right? When he was hosting. No. Well, they set the mold in the wrong way. So it stuck fully to his face and he was stuck with just the straws in his nose for like hours and they had to chisel it off of him and he had like all this sort of scarring, not scarring, but like almost burns from it and then had to host the show.

No way. Yeah. That's a night— that's a fucking nightmare, man. You could still sip Coca-Cola through.

Like he could still drink something.

Oh yeah, so he was fine.

Yeah, don't worry, Sean, you can still taste of Coke.

Yeah, you can still have your sugar sodas, Sean. Yeah, has anybody ever put Swedish Fish in a blender? Okay, what's your go-to tackiest awful snack, Colin? What, what's— what do you— what do you— what are you ashamed?

Yeah, you keep it pretty tight. I'm fine.

I, I eat— I don't eat great, like I don't I don't have any discipline to eating and drinking, but I'll eat Swedish Fish actually at SNL because there's like a pot— Every Tuesday when there's a writing night, they used to come in when you're up all night and just pour a pile of candy, like cover the entire writers' room in candy. And so I would have all Tuesdays, I used to, you know, eat candy all the time. And then being up all night, there was one time in Lorne's office Wednesday after the table read, where I was having like heart palpitations. I have that in my notes. Having a heart attack.

Yeah, I thought that was from stress or something.

It was a combination of stress, not sleeping, and also having all this sugar. And I thought I was having a heart attack and like called the doctor. And I, you know, in Lauren's office— was it, was it AFib?

Do you know?

Paddles wants to know what, what it was.

Well, Jimmy Kimmel calls me Paddles because I've had so much AFib so many times.

It was not It was not— it was, it was just a— yeah, it was, it was like a probably a panic attack essentially that was brought on by— okay, not— but you haven't had one since? No. And I— and they were— the doctor I went to is like, it'll be— you gotta try to sleep a little and you gotta— you can't have sugar all night like that. Or, you know, I was like, whatever. Sugar doesn't make you—

sugar makes me so tired. That, that, that sugar peak and then the crash, I go right to sleep. Doesn't affect me.

I can run or sleep. It doesn't matter.

Here we go. But I was just at an age where I was like, it didn't matter. And then it caught up with me at some point.

I was like, Colin, wait, talk to me about this. I found this fascinating. What do you mean you didn't talk till you were 4 years old? What does that mean? And then I read that it wasn't Tony Soprano that you sounded like. Carmelo. I was like, oh, he must have compared himself to Tony Soprano when he opened up his mouth. But what do you mean you didn't talk?

No, I said Carmelo Soprano. Carmela. Carmela.

That's right, Carmela.

Like, I was— there's videos of me like trying to like sell a bike that I had. It's like, yeah, it's pretty good, it's got two wheels, you know, you can get on, it's got brakes. But I'm genuinely talking like that and I'm really— 7. Yeah.

When does a kid usually talk? I forget with my kids, it was like, what, like 1 or like 18 months, something like that?

They start— it's typically like, yeah, 18 months, around that. And I think it's almost always before 2. Or usually girls before guys, I think. Yes. Yeah. And there's people a little later, people— but I think it was just getting to a little bit of a more extreme place where they didn't know what was going on, my parents.

What were your first— what were your first words? Will. No shit.

Yeah, I'm not just saying that. I mean, I know, of course I believe.

I'm looking at your face and I know that you're not just saying that. That's incredible.

And that's it. And then I didn't say another anything else for 5 more Why bother?

Why bother? Jason abatement. Jason abatement.

Because there had been so much mold in my brain, so I needed—

um, and it was nothing. They didn't pursue any sort of reason. There was no diagnosis. It was just, you just weren't ready.

Yeah, something. And yeah, my mom said she, she wasn't worried because it seemed like I was comprehending everything that they were saying. I just wasn't saying anything. A lot of And I went to like a speech specialist at Staten Island University Hospital, which maybe sounds like a setup for a joke, but— I mean, you do your own—

everybody can do their own math on that one. I like the idea you were just nodding along, like you're nodding along and doing a lot of winking.

He was winking a lot at people.

So we knew he was cool. We knew he was cool.

Oh, Dr. Nokes is following.

He was winking and doing the hands where he makes the curved hourglass of a woman's figure, but he's so pink, he's fine.

And then walking, there was no pausing in the walking. The walking was on time. I was walking so much.

Walking like— Walking was on time. Couldn't stop walking. Okay. All night, all through the night. It was basically, they based that horror movie this year, Weapons, on me, 'cause I would just walk out through the woods. Right. Arms out.

Out like you're flying. You know, I remember when my middle son Abel was, you know, he wasn't walking. He was like 13 months. He was a little bit later. And, you know, his older brother had walked before a year. So I know. So we were nervous. Not really. But we were. And I remember Amy being like, what is she like? He's not walking. He's not walking. And I go, she goes, he's never going to. I go, look out on the street. Do you see people dragging themselves by their hands, pulling themselves along the sidewalk? He's gonna get it, okay? He's gonna pick it up. Yeah, I mean, you'd ask people like, what are you doing? Like, I never picked up walking. It wasn't for me. I picked it up. I never— it wasn't for anyone.

I mean, in New York, in New York, there might be like 20 to 40 of those people.

Well, that was just not for them.

Yeah, it's just not for them.

We'll be right back.

And now back to the show.

Um, all right, so I want to talk about something you're probably so sick of talking about, but I don't know anything about it, which is the Staten Island Ferry you bought with Pete Davidson. Because I've seen you tell jokes about it on, on the show on Saturday Night Live, and I always laugh because I kind of know the gist of, of it. But why, and what was the plan, and what's the goal, and all of that? Because you paid— like, you, you still have to pay like a dot— like, don't you—

these are still like exact questions a financial advisor asked me. Now, what, and what is the plan, and what is the—

is it just But was it because of your— because these guys don't— Jason and Will don't know, but when I was doing my research about you and reading, is the journey you took an hour and a half every single day to go to school from Staten Island to Manhattan, and you took the Staten Island Ferry? I took this.

I actually— this one. Oh, you did? Usually it was this one, which is, again, I explained to my friends, and they're like, "Yeah, but you also took the subway. You didn't want to buy one of those." Right. Or a bus. Yes, but it was, it's named after JFK. It's named, it was commissioned for John F. Kennedy when he, after he died. And it was usually the 7:00 AM ferry that I took, got, 'cause I went up to this high school called Regis High School that's up on the Upper East Side. And it's free if you get in, it's a really great school. And so most people that go don't live in Manhattan. Most people come from Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, Jersey. Even up.

And it was about an hour and a half every day?

Yeah, I took the bus there and back. Oh man, each way. Yeah, bus, ferry, subway. How old were you? 6th, 14. I did it 14 to 18. Oh my God, it's just high school, they don't have it. But it was so— I mean, now it seems like a lot, but now everything seems like less of a trip, you know. It's like, so, you know, and I was never, you know, you— and once you're there, you're like in Manhattan with your friends. So it was kind Yeah, it was very fun.

You'd use the time for homework and whatnot, like you wouldn't really feel the— yeah, yeah.

I never did. I really never rarely did homework at home because it was such a, you know, trip.

Jason went to school on an actual bus.

The school was on, which is true, on a bus.

Is that true? Yeah, for a while.

How does that work?

Uh, not well. A lot of massaging.

That's also true. There was some—

it's also true. Ask him, please call and follow up. What is the nature— why, how does massaging get involved? No bus I'm ever on is like, "And we do massages?" Yeah.

This is one of my favorite areas. This is second only to Ernest Borgnine jerking off all over his house. Keep going, Jason.

Go.

This was an experimental school, Colin. A friend of my father's started one of these things in his home out in Calabasas. And it was called Heartlight. Ligght, one word. Hard, like L-I-G-H-T, light? That's right. And there were— because Calabasas is, as you know, you're familiar with the city here, it's a great deal of traffic, about another hour and a half, just like yours, from Calabasas into the city. And so there were city days and country days. City days, we'd go in and see the museums. Oh my God. And so they thought a good way to take advantage of that at traffic time is to run classes in the back of this bus, you know, because they were an incredibly progressive group. And, um, and so we did that. There'd be some motion sickness. Um, and then on the country days, uh, that's when we'd get into all the fun electives like massage. Um, it's TP building. Um, it wasn't an accredited school. Yeah, Colin, I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture here. But, um, yeah, yeah, I've never seen Will laugh harder.

Oh God, it's funny.

It was fun. I love, I love Jakey Bates so much.

And I paid for it out of my own pocket. I, I was forced to pay for the school and not like regular bus fare, like school fare. No, no, did you do some bus rides?

The massage is extra. And did you tip?

Did they pay you?

Yeah, it depends if I'm giving or receiving on that. On Tuesdays and Thursdays was the massaging. Goddamn it.

So, Colin— Favorite. What a great— It sounds like such a great idea concept. Like, well, might as well use the journey for the school.

Sure. By the way, that part makes kind of sense in that way, right? Like, that— Yeah.

You have to applaud them for the idea.

Yeah. But, um— And then you're sitting so long on the bus, you gotta provide massages.

It starts getting away from it pretty quick. The donut they had to give each kid to sit on. You know, there's so much class time on the bus.

Bus. Not great. Anyway, Kyle, Lynn.

Well, so anyway, we bought— so I texted Pete, which is the wrong person to text with when you have an idea like this. And I was like, should we buy this? Right, because it's gonna— yeah, the city was auctioning it. And he was— yeah, he was immediately was like, fuck yeah, we got to do this. So, and, um, I texted my dad, who's— he was a teacher on Staten Island, and he, he literally was like, did you do your homework? Which is such a teacher thing to say. And I was like, Dad, I'm just sort of texting you as a formality. I already bought the boat. I texted Scarlett like, guess what, we, we own a ferry now.

And she was like, we, uh, did it stay in operation?

It, it was in operation until they, until they, there was a new boat that came in and the new boat cost like $300 million to build. So I was like, I'm getting an old one for only $280,000, right? This is a deal.

That's all the ferry cost was, $280,000? Yeah, and I thought as a real—

I thought I was thinking in a real estate way. If you put it somewhere, it's 70,000 square feet. Oh my God. So I was like, if you put that on a dock in Manhattan, you've suddenly got basically a building on the waterfront. And on that, was that the value, Scarlett?

That could be a school. That could be like 3 schools. Kindergarten, elementary school, and high school.

Did you ever explore that opportunity, like that you could actually park it there on the East River and, and kind of have yourself a little, uh, a little— not a little, a house, right?

Yeah, we are, we are in the, in the process of doing that. And it's just, it's a long process because all the waterfront stuff is just— there's environmental, there's— so we're in that process, and I think we're actually getting close to that process, having a dedicated spot. Oh wow. Yes, which I joke about it a lot, but it is. And we've done some events on it where we really have already made back back the money we've invested and, and, and the money we've spent on stuff to dock it and all that. So it's, it's very misreported that it is some sort of crazy money pit.

Hey man, I'm not your dad. I'm not your dad. You don't have to prove it.

It's gonna be fine. Is this, is this a good financial sign where you're like, it's fine?

What's gonna be— what's, what's a home run? What's, what's the goal with it?

What's its park? Yeah, I think the goal— a home run for me is like, it's a thing that could be used for an event space but also has like a normal, like an everyday purpose of— like two versions of it to me are like it could be an operating entertainment, like club, like a place where you can go, like you could have parties or there's regular parties on it, bottle service or whatever. And then like I grew up— growing up in Staten Island, I went to this place, so it was called the Great Kills Swim Club. That was like a swim club where people would just go and the kids could all hang out, the adults could hang out, and I could imagine creating a place like that that's not like a weird fancy members club, but is actually more like middle class in Manhattan. You just pay as you go. You can go pay to use it. Yeah. And you play it and like there's a pool on the top and a diving board off the top. And you have these crazy views.

You can just dive into the East River and enjoy yourself.

Really enjoy yourself. Really swept down into Alex's throat.

You're really pitching a swim club on the East River?

Yes. Like, but a pool on the roof deck. But the pool— Diving board into the pool, not into the river. It's like a cruise ship that doesn't leave. A cruise ship that doesn't leave, but for families. And it would be actually a great— like, people would spend summers there. And then it's also movable. So then half the year would be Miami, and it would be— you'd have that in the winter when it's cold here, and you'd have summer there. And I think it could be a great thing.

Miami. Now I'm seeing the Carmela Soprano in you. This is your picture.

Then we go to Miami, we take over the High Life racket. Oh my God.

I got to say, I'm kind of sold on this, Colin. You kind of got me. A little bit.

And then you'd have weddings and court— like, people already want to rent it out, and we— which we, we will do. We've done it a couple times, but we'll do it when we have a permanent spot. It just makes the economics way better. Yeah, yeah. And this is all about economics ultimately.

Sure, obviously. Sure. And then, and then you registered in Liberia?

Yes, we're very open to pirates if anyone wants to come.

I can't wait. I'm going to approach it on a Zodiac with a mouthful of cash.

Uh, QAT. Are we— I feel like the cat used to just fall. Have you been doing any recently? I feel like we've not. What is cat?

What is cat?

Well, it's the cat. It's like a plant you chew that has like a— create almost a combo of cocaine and hallucinogenic. The thing I read about it that it makes you— it's the phrase I read was it makes you immune to atrocities, which is such a great description. I think they use it a lot.

There was a lot of usage of it sort of in the Horn of Africa, right? Am I right about that? And, and so, and a lot of— they accused a lot of these, these pirates of, uh, who would go and commit piracy, to— of chewing on it. And it makes— yeah, it makes you just do crazy shit.

It's an appetite suppressant as well. It could give you— it's like a, you know, you know, this sounds like a fucking silver bullet.

Um, where does one— you do need to be in the— on the, the southern tip of, uh, of Africa to find it?

No, up in like up, up near sort of Somalia, Ethiopia, up, up in there. So it's closer, huh?

Yeah, Eritrea.

Yeah, like right on the— it's very private. Come, you see these huge bushels of it. It's terrific. I got a guy, I'll get you a number. Are you on WhatsApp?

All right, Colin, first question for our guest today. Wait, let me take it.

So Colin, you go to, you go to this school, you go to this great school because you're really smart, clear.

Well, no, well, say the school is Harvard.

No, I'm talking about the school you went to.

Oh, that's right. Oh, sorry.

For Regis. Yeah, yeah.

From there you get into Harvard, evidently based on, on your academic merits, uh, uh, I'm guessing.

As opposed to— what do you mean? I'm not a traditional athlete? Yeah, like, I'm not a D1 athlete in your mind?

You're— well, you don't, you don't have your, your name on a building is what I'm saying.

Like, or Yeah. Not even on my own ferry boat. Right. So at Har—

Go ahead, Will.

No, no, I was gonna say you go. Take it over, Harvard.

Oh, no, no, no. I was just gonna say, you know, you got involved with Lampoon, right? Yeah. Yeah. And then you wrote 80 pieces before you got one accepted. What's so funny?

Yeah, trying out for it.

Tell me.

I mean, there was a time, Colin, 5 years ago, where Sean— Sean was nominated for Best Interviewer on—

You think the whole— anywhere.

He's the best.

The follow-up for him and his questions. Okay. And since that nomination, he's gotten tight and he can't spit it out. And no, no, you be quiet.

No, because I wrote down a bunch of stuff that I know you want, baby girl.

You get it. Give them, give them your best one. Take some time, find the best one in there, and you give it to him.

Well, wait, 80 sketches, none of them picked up, right? Which is—

I, I would stop 80 failures, but I would stop at 2.

Like, like, you really want to be—

how did you get involved in Lampoon?

Oh, that's so much better. I didn't know anything.

I didn't know about it. Did you guys have any awareness? Like, had you ever heard of it? I mean, I had heard of the National Lampoon.

Yeah, I mean, but I didn't know what it meant.

I didn't understand what it was until I started knowing some of those SNL guys. Would come out of it, right?

So for Tracy, it is, is literally a magazine, um, uh, there at the, at the school.

Yeah, it's just a magazine that has been there. It's actually the 150th anniversary is coming up in like a week. So we're going back, like a bunch of, like Conan and a bunch of people are all going to go back and for this thing, which, um, it, but it just was like a student magazine.

And, and then like a precursor to like kind of like something like The Onion or even like Mad Magazine, right? Something like that.

Yeah, yeah. And they started— people from there started like Spy Magazine back in the day, which I never—

I remember that.

But that was— and, and they started— they did like Lampoon magazines and yearbooks and stuff.

And then Spy Magazine was— I, I remember it in the New York— in the '90s, Spy Magazine was phenomenal. Yeah, I loved it. It was so good. It was. And, and there were so many people— you mentioned Conan— so many incredible comedy minds, sort of big, sort of icons of comedy, you included, have come out of of the Lampoon.

A lot of people— a lot of— it was like back in the day, it was a lot of writers, like literary writers, you know, like John Updike and George Plimpton and George Santayana and all these like people. And, and also business people, like William Randolph Hearst was a member. There's a business board. So he— a lot of— he helped fund the building that's there, like this Lampoon Castle. And he and Isabella Stewart Gardner, who has the museum who had the museum in Boston. She collected a lot of stuff that went to that museum on the same trip with him, and he— a lot of the stuff he got went to the Lampoon, which is—

and it's a bit of a feeder for SNL too, isn't it?

Yeah, it— yeah. So like around the '70s, '80s, a lot of it was this guy Jim Downey, who you— I'm sure you guys have met through these, but he, he went to SNL in the— he was a writer the first year at SNL, of SNL, and And then after that, people kind of saw that you could write in comedy instead of necessarily only writing novels. And then people started getting into it there. But I didn't know, so I didn't know, have any awareness of it when I went, like I went to school for economics weirdly, and I didn't have any idea that there was like a humor magazine or anything like that. And I'd always done comedy things, but you didn't know it was really a job.

You just did it with your friends. It wasn't a destination for you to get into comedy necessarily.

It just didn't, yeah, I didn't know you could really. Like it didn't seem like a real thing. A real thing. And so that was the first place where I went, and people just were really funny, and I wanted to hang out there. And then I started learning that people would graduate and go apply and work at different shows. And so did you just apply for SNL?

How did that happen? Yeah, you just cold submitted.

That's okay. I actually submitted a packet. Yeah. And then it was just the wrong time of year I submitted it, and so no one read it.

No, no agent, no nothing. You just did it yourself? You mailed it in No, no agent, nothing.

And I submitted and no one looked at it because it was the wrong time of year. And then the next time, you know, it was like the next summer. And then I ran into someone who was— who had been in the Lampoon, who was like, "I heard it's— you have to submit in the summer in like June or July," whatever the deadline was. And so I put together another packet and submitted it then. And I was, you know, I was just lucky there was a ton of turnover I wrote like 6 sketches, okay? And there was a bunch of writers that left, and then I, I got like— Tina was, uh, the one of the head writers, Harper Steele, and they liked some, you know, something that was in there and brought me in to interview. And then I interviewed with Lorne, which was insane. And, uh, and then just was very lucky that there was an extra spot, and I was probably the last person hired. And I got hired with Samberg and, um, Samberg and, uh, Sudeikis and Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig, and then the Lonely Island guys, Jorma and Akiva, and a guy Brian Tucker who came from, uh, yeah, Tucker.

And Sudeikis was just hired as a writer first for that first year.

Yeah, yeah, that was— he just started, uh, he, he had just got hired into the cast when I started. So that was the 8 of us that all— amazing— that all—

and how old were you when you started?

22.

And so, so, well, so you, so you go into school to study economics. Was it— was there ever a thought that, that there would be a career economics, or was it just, I gotta, gotta, I gotta declare a major and let's have it be this?

I think it was a— I thought I could maybe work. I mean, I interned at like Merrill Lynch when I was in high school, and wow, I just thought that was— in Staten Island, like, there were certain— all my family was firefighters, like my whole mom, like my, my mom was in the fire department, my grandpa, my great-grandpa. So that was like a clear path I knew. And then And then from Staten Island, like, people would go take the ferry to Wall Street. There were people that worked in finance. And then obviously there was a— I knew about being a doctor or being a lawyer. Like, those were the kind of jobs that I understood. And so I sort of thought I would do something in that range. Like, I would do work in finance or I would try to be a doctor someday or try to be a lawyer.

And then so then you start to get the kind of this bee in your bonnet for comedy. Did you, like, talk to me about the calculation you were making at— so you're sitting at Harvard where you really whatever field you decide to study and get your diploma in, get, get, get your, um, your degree in, you've got a pretty good sort of base salary to assume there. And so like picking what you're going to get your degree in, uh, is kind of— you're declaring what your life is going to be, and, and it's going to be, going to be pretty good. And so you're thinking comedy, economics, or I can study this, that. At what point were you kind of like all in, it's going to I'm gonna go into comedy writing, or did you, did you, did you mitigate that risk by, by minoring in something else? Like, just walk me through that.

I, you know, my parents definitely were worried, you know, just gen— once I was, once I was going down a comedy path. I mean, when I was there, I switched. So I switched from economics to— when I declare, I declared I was going to be in economics, but then when you actually had to declare, I, I studied Russian Russian literature. Like, I went— that's lucrative. I was reading a bunch of books, and so I was like— and then at some point I had to learn Russian. I had to live in Saint Petersburg for a summer, and I was going down that path. But what— not— what— just—

I didn't— let's pause there for one second. Yeah, why, why Russian literature? What, what was, what was super interesting?

Are you a Russian asset?

I'm open to it. Are they asking? Uh, I just like the books. I just liked reading. I read in high school, I read some Nabokov and Tolstoy and Dostoevsky books in senior year. I liked them, so I wanted to read more, and then it just kept going down that line. Like, I didn't have a plan for it. I certainly wasn't assuming it was going to be a career, right? Can you speak Russian? I was, yeah, fluent in Russian.

That's crazy. That's awesome.

Okay, all right, so then, so then, yeah, so then I— sorry, then I, I realized, I guess, when I was at the Lampoon that most of the things I did in my life leading up to that were kind of comedy versions of what I did. Like, I ran the school newspaper, but I did the comedy, you know, wrote comedy for it rather than like regular news. I was working at a newspaper, but I mostly wanted to write comedy there. Where I performed in plays and musicals, but I really only cared about the comedy part of it, not the serious part of it. I did speech and debate, but I only did funny, like, oratories that I wrote that were kind of versions of comedy or performed funny things and didn't do any, you know. So I just, I started realizing that that was probably where my interest was, even if I was doing it in these other ways. And that there's, there's not really a funny version of finance. Right. Again, along with debatements, it's not.

Yeah. Buy a Staten Island Ferry.

But then it is—

there's certainly some, uh, uh, more, uh, predictable financial security in the lane of economics as opposed to, uh, the world of comedy.

You're talking about it— you're talking about him like taking— making the bet on it and going all in.

Yeah, yeah, I did. I just did. I didn't have another plan, and I didn't— I honestly don't know that I could have imagined then going to law school or After that, I think I just decided that whatever version of it it was gonna end up being, I was gonna enjoy being around people that were funny and doing things that I tried, things that were funny. And regardless, the lifestyle didn't necessarily matter. It's so great.

I mean, I'm sorry, a reason I keep hammering on this, because, you know, I've got a daughter that's in her first year of college, and even my youngest, the 14-year-old, she's, you know, they're both sort of like, you know, as kids do, wondering about, you know, am I doing the things that I should be doing? Am I doing to set myself up for the best possible, you know, life? Am I making the right decisions? And I keep saying, well, as long as you're pointed at something, a lot of opportunity comes your way. And so you're going to see some forks in the road that might not necessarily be, you know, the lane you're on right now. And that's good. That's okay. But you're not going to find those forks unless you're driven in some direction on something. It doesn't matter what that is. And so I guess you're sort of a great example of that, that you're driving towards economics and you found Yeah, for her too.

Like, I mean, I think the peer element of it is so important to me. You know, you find people that are serious about something, even if it's comedy, and are really driven or are really, you know, and then you learn from them. You're competitive in a healthy way with them. You're, you know, you're hearing about opportunities from them eventually, you know, like when you're trying to do things. Or— I think that's so important too. And so that you have a— you're not doing it in a vacuum, right?

We'll be right back.

All right, back to the show.

Well, so you go to SNL that year that, that you mentioned with all those dudes. How long was it before you, uh, got the Update chair?

Yeah, did you go with the intention of wanting to do Update, or did you go, or did it just happen, or like— no, no, I was—

I wouldn't even— I wouldn't have conceived of that. I think I know, Colin.

I called you in here because I think you're ready.

What was it kind of like that? He did call me. Yes, he, he— I didn't even know why he was calling me in. Yeah. And he's like, so you think you could do Update? Like asking me. Yeah.

And I was like, um, meanwhile you had only been a writer, uh, on the show for a year or two or three.

No, no, I've been there for a long— so I mean, I had been there for a long time. I was I was probably there 8 years or something, 7 or 8 years.

That's what I was getting at. Yeah.

And because I'm not on camera, so I got SNL. I would have been happy to have any job in comedy, right? Like, I applied everywhere that had a job. Uh, I wrote a— I wrote an Arrested Development spec script, uh, when I— when I was going out.

Like, you told me this once, and this—

maybe I did, maybe I did tell you that. Yeah. And, um, that sounds familiar.

Oh my God, I want to read that.

What was Job's story? It doesn't— sorry, we'll get— it doesn't matter.

Job A story or story.

It doesn't matter, who cares.

I'm not sure he was in it. Yeah, real joke episode.

So even though you were done, I mean, the one— can I tell you the one thing I remember about it, which was that now, which is that it was for, uh, for George Michael was self-conscious and wanted to lose weight, and so he tried, he tried joining a what he saw was a recreation society, but it was a recreation society, and he got cast as Ben Franklin, and so ended up gaining a bunch That's really funny. So dumb. Oh my God, Mitch Hurwitz would have loved that.

That's a great bit.

So I wrote, I wrote, applied all these places, and I was very, you know, very lucky to get hired at SNL. And I felt like then I just wanted to be good at that and figure it out and, and enjoy it. I loved, I loved— no on-camera aspirations? No, no, not— I mean, but I did, I had performing aspirations. I just didn't think of it always always as SNL related. Like, I did stand-up, right? So, so while that time I'm doing stand-up in New York— so, oh, you are? Okay. Yeah, while I'm writing, I would go after when there's nights that you could get out, and I would go do stand-up, like, like a bestseller or whatever.

Did you, did you ever— were there ever any summer, like, end of seasons of SNL, uh, and you can be as honest as you want to be, or where you were like, you "Uh, I'm gonna move. I'm gonna leave. I wanna do something else." Like, did you ever have one of those moments in those 8 years before you got the update chair?

Yes. Um, not— like, not spe— 'cause there was sort of a little bit of a— like, you know, I had a journey as a writer there where I got promoted to, like, a writing supervisor, and then I got promoted to be head writer. And that was, like, a real honor that I loved the idea of getting to do that someday. So that was— that was really important to me. And I felt like felt excited about that. It was— I found it to be a really nightmarish job in a lot of ways because you're suddenly doing the same job you're doing, but you're also having to manage everyone you're working with, right? And I'm— that was a very weird period of time for me because it also coincided with getting Update. Like, it almost exactly coincided. So no, I suddenly— yeah, it was like maybe a year or half a year that I was a head writer and then got Update. And— Oh, fuck. But I had my only— as I was there for a little longer, I did like performing. I did like doing stand-up. And honestly, I wanted to do some version of act— not necessarily acting, like, in a serious way, but performing in some way, in a comedy way.

Yeah. And I thought, I've done this as a writer now. I thought maybe after a few years, if I— of being head writer, maybe there would just be something else I'd want to do or create a show as a writer or do something different. And then got this opportunity to do Update. And then it was— it kind of went so badly at first for a while that I then thought I was going to lose both jobs, that I was going to be booked so bad at Update that I was also not going to be right.

Why did it go bad?

What do you mean? It just was— I mean, I think Seth was leaving. He was, you know, very loved doing the job. You know, I came in, I started with Cecily Strong. We only— we did like 6 episodes together. That's it at the end of the year. Yeah. And, you know, I think I just wasn't very good at it. It's very— it's a hard thing to come in and do. And I don't— I think I was like really nervous and I probably— that I probably smiled or laughed in a way that made people think I was kind of cocky about it when I actually felt very much at sea and panicking. People were giving me all kinds of advice that was contradictory and I didn't know how to— to do it, and then basically in the summer, I got told— after those 6 episodes, I got told, like, "You might get to audition for it." And I was like, "Which seems like a bad sign to audition for the job you currently have." And then they tried me with different combinations of people also. So, like, I did an audition with Leslie Jones. I did an audition with Vanessa Bayer.

I did an audition with Chris Kelly, who's a really funny writer at our show. Show. Yeah. Um, and I did an— and I auditioned with Che, who I knew from stand-up from before he came to SNL as a writer. And, you know, I love the idea of getting to do with him because he's really funny, but I had no idea what, you know, what they were going to go with. And they also brought in Anthony Jeselnik just to audition on his own, like, just to go in a totally different direction, bring someone else in. And I'm sure he would have been very funny at it. And then they did these auditions, and then I didn't even know what was happening. And suddenly— so I was involved in all these processes of cast and hiring, and then suddenly I was completely cut off, really, from all my friends for periods of time where everyone was probably nervous for me and didn't know whether I should do the job genuinely. Not that they were being bad friends, just probably were like, "I don't know if he's right for it." for it. And then they picked me and Shea.

And then for like the first 2 years, at least, we thought we were going to get fired every summer. Like we were, we were put on suspension, kind of, or put on extension. And we didn't know whether we were going to get it or not. And we, we, and then something sort of just started clicking. Really just, we gave, Lorne was, we were lucky that he gave us enough time to start figuring it out. And then, and then it started feeling feeling okay, and then it started feeling better and not like a huge existential crisis.

So fun to watch. You guys, yeah, you guys have such a great dynamic. You're so, so good at it.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen was— and I couldn't believe I was watching it, and I can't believe it happened— which is Michael told the audience before you showed up to not laugh at one joke you said, and that was the joke. And I'm watching it going, "Oh my God, this is horrible to watch." Like, did you— what was going through your head?

Oh, I was like, "It's all over. It's all over, truly." 'Cause it was so perfect. It was genius. It was so perfect because I changed a joke between dress and air early on, and so he had told— he met— by the way, this is the most proactive Che has ever been about anything. He went and met with the audience the audience before they loaded in. Yeah, like, looked them in the eyes and were like, listen, you're not laughing. I don't care. You do not laugh at every— anything Colin says.

This is while they're still downstairs.

This is while I'm waiting. Yeah, they're still waiting downstairs to get loaded in. And he goes down, meets them, tells them this.

So I remember watching it. I couldn't believe it.

And, and then, so I changed one joke early on between dress and air, and it— so at air, it bombs. And in my head, I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have— that— I shouldn't have taken that swing. But it's perfect because I don't— I could still believe it's, you know, then, then, then he goes and he crushes. Great. He kills. He does two jokes, crushes. Then it comes back to me. Yeah. And I tell the next one, which worked really well at Dress, and it bombs. And I'm like, oh my God. Because at first I was like, oh, maybe it's a bad crowd. Then he crushes. So I'm like, oh no. Yeah.

Meanwhile, he keeps looking at you like, oh boy.

Yeah, just not leading. And And then the fourth joke bombs, and I'm truly thinking like my career's over. Like something's, it's a turn, I'm never gonna get back, it's over. And someone in the, he had a plant in the audience that he had yell out, "You stink," after. So simple, so simple, so dumb. John Higgins, he just goes, "You stink!" Like old-timey heckling. Not, "You suck," "You stink." You're a bum! And I heard that and I was like, in full, you can tell if you look at, in shock. And then Shay's like, dude, I gotta tell you, I told him not to laugh at anything. And I was like, you motherfucker! So angry. So angry.

Is this live? Is this on an episode?

Live, yes, live. What a great moment.

You can YouTube it, you can YouTube it.

It is so horrifying. Now you know and you'll look and you'll be like, And it's— your face! I was genuinely traumatized for like 2 more shows. Yeah, because then the next show back, I didn't know what to— I didn't know what was coming.

Did you immediately start thinking about payback? Are you— are you a prankster?

Of course. By the way, did Che run it by Lorne? No, he just did it. He went rogue. He did.

And I think basically Lorne talked him into eventually telling me versus never telling me. Right, right, right, right. And And which made it much better, actually, that he did tell me, and otherwise would have been perhaps—

No, it's better to get your reaction on camera and see it dawn on you. I mean, that's—

but it's amazing. And then, and now, what I love, Colin, is you're appearing more and more as Pete Hagsath, which is so brilliant. Oh, it's so good. It's so good. It's such a gift. But does any part of you get nervous about, you know, doing that at all? At all?

Well, on a couple levels. I mean, first of all, I get nervous even within an SNL world because it's suddenly a new thing and a new rhythm. Like, even though I've been there for so long, coming out in the cold open is its own weird feeling.

And after all these years, it's nerve-wracking. You don't have to admit to this, but you've got to privately just be, like, so excited to go out there and show off a little bit because you're so goddamn good at what you do. Whether you're doing the update or doing Hagsack, I mean, it just— you gotta be— I'd love to see more doing your thing.

I think it's one of my favorite politician impressions. Yeah, yeah, it's really funny. That I can remember in the long— and I'm not just saying that because you're here. It's so good. Yeah. But there is also the added— because, I mean, obviously he's the Secretary of War. And officially, right? That's official. He also named— Yeah.

It's the only country in the world in the world where we call that department the Department of War as opposed to Department of Defense.

I think it's fun that we've now let— they're obviously letting school kids just name departments. Is that what's going on? They're just taking letters.

Yeah. War. You can tell the generals are just like, oh, God.

Yeah. But to Sean's question, is there another layer of trepidation as you've been— as much as you're comfortable telling us, has there pushback in a weird way?

I don't— I mean, I'm definitely like a little nervous about— I, I kind of just think it's not— it's such— in the scheme of things, like, probably, I hope, barely on his radar. Like, it really does feel like there should be bigger—

but there's bigger issues. Satire on SNL politically always has been. So like, how is this going to make any big huge wave? People are conditioned to look for satire politically.

I'm not gonna end up having a big night. He's got a couple cocktails under his belt. He might start calling you.

There could be some vindictiveness.

Guess what? I'll bet he loves it.

I'll bet he loves it. The first time I did it, my brother— I have a younger brother. My younger brother was like, "It's just so great that America finally gets to see the real you." Well, that's what I was gonna ask.

So, like, you know, would you like to do more— I would love to see you do more acting, whether it be on SNL or not. Do you think you'd ever do it again? I would love to ever carve out some time to do more of that.

Well, you got a movie coming up. I would love it.

Yeah, I did this movie with Nate— with Nate Borghese, who I love. Called The Breadwinner. Breadwinner, that's coming out May 29th. Awesome. May 29th. Yay. Is what I'm told. And I have— I think I have a fun part. Like, Nate's basically forced to be a stay-at-home dad because his wife goes on Shark Tank and hits— like, gets a lot of traction. And the Sharks— the Shark Tank scene is so funny. It's so, so funny. And the sharks basically make Nate agree to be a stay-at-home dad. So his wife— on camera. And I'm the only other stay-at-home dad in the neighborhood. And I'm really scared he's taking over my territory. And he's like a really funny dad that comes in. And it was so— and I loved the script. And he sent it to— I was— people, I never think people really think of me for things. So I was very grateful. They— that they thought of me for it. And it was really fun to do. And I got to say, getting to perform not live is even more liberating because you can just work and fuck up swings. And, you know, it's not— I never get a second chance at things.

So if you could— if you could— if you could—

if you could wiggle your nose and have full success come as a writer or as an actor, let's say in the next 5 or 10 years, like, let's say go the route of like, you know, let's say Will Ferrell. Or go the route of like Mike Schur? It's tough, right?

Uh, very good options. I mean, I would, I would really love to do, to get to perform in something outside, you know, a thing that's my own voice and, and, and get to create. I mean, you know it well, like, it's, you know, it's, it, that would be really satisfying. I think that would be really, really fun in the same project. Yeah, maybe. Or, I mean, I, I don't need to be, I don't need to be the— I would rather be perform, get to perform. Yeah. Um, but I would like, I would obviously be involved in some way. I don't think I would not be able to, but I would, I would like to figure out an idea, maybe ideally both, where it's a world that's my own, in my, from my own mind too. I would love that.

And to think we almost lost you to, to Bear Stearns or something like that.

Yeah. Um, doing so much better. I could be long retired, really. Exactly.

But what about you?

You got a Bear Stearns It would have been a disaster. Oh yeah, you could have become—

you could, you could, you could have become Dan Dees, you know.

Oh, the great Dan Dees. Great. Um, uh, Colin, you also do Pop Culture Jeopardy, which is fantastic.

And is that the one that's on Netflix?

Yes. Yeah. Okay, that's coming out on Netflix on May 11th, season 2, right? Yeah, season 2. Yeah, it's, um, it's, it's really fun. Like, the— I cannot believe the level of knowledge that, that these teams have about pop culture. It's very— it's really scary.

And well, I haven't— this is— I have a surprise for these guys, which is a clip. Um, if Bennett can play it, or Rob, really play it.

Oh wait, I don't think we've ever run a clip before.

We've never done a clip. Let's go to the clip. Oh my God.

3. In a category of So Help Me Pod, the Smartless podcast is hosted by this trio of funny guys: Anna Marie. Who is Sean Hayes? That is one. Alex. Who is Eric McCormick? Oh, Jesus Christ. Steve. Who is Will Arnett? That is the second. And Ashley.

Who's Fred Armisen?

That is a person, but no. Justin. Who is Hayes? I'm sorry, the one we were missing, Jason Bateman. But the other two are going to be very happy to throw it in Jason's face.

Got it. It's going to hurt in the renegotiations, but thanks for running the clip.

So let's go first reactions. Let's go around the horn. We'll start with you, Jason.

I thought that was so great.

You know what, that Jason abatement's starting to look pretty good, huh?

Yeah, nice. Old doesn't sound so bad.

So this was not Tournament of Champions, I guess. You know, these, these weren't the world beaters.

No, these were the most knowledgeable. Come on. Like, this is the— I think that was the only answer wrong in that in that whole game. Jesus, that cuts deep. Which you never see. Almost traumatic.

But the point is, breadwinner, celebrity, SNL, like all of it. You have so much going on and you have kids and you have Scarlett and you have like just a whole— I mean, you have a ton of stuff going on.

Yeah, yeah, you're really— you're kicking into high gear right now and it's fun to watch, man. Really fun to watch. It's fun to watch.

And he knows how to swing a golf club on top of it all.

I know. We've threatened to play. We gotta— let's do it.

Maybe this summer you'll be out there.

This summer. Do it. Yeah, listen, we're going to be on Long Island.

You guys do— do you ever do go to do the Tahoe event or anything like that? Or you like—

I'm not into the fucking rock and roll with the boats on the fairway and fucking what.

Well, now he's never going.

But, uh, what's, what's happening? Unplug the speaker.

Filthy people in Tahoe.

I just— I don't I don't understand how it's just—

we did— we've done— we've done a couple of them before. We did, uh, we did the Pebble Beach back, uh, back in the day. That must have been fun, right? We did that, and we did— we've done the Genesis a few times. And yeah. Oh yeah, because that's fun. Yes, in LA. But, uh, let's start our own golf tournament, uh, you guys.

Yeah, let's do that. You know what do you say? Yeah, we'll play nines out on Long Island. You know, I'm in.

Keep it real. I'm in. We've taken up so much of your time. So much. My God, we can talk forever to this guy. This is unbelievable. Yeah.

I can stay. I've, I've kind of like a lot of time. Oh, oh, let's go. No problem. Don't even feel like you gotta wrap it up.

I gotta go. I'm going to have dinner with Tommy Hilfiger right now. That's a, that's a true story.

Talk to him. He did— Tommy Hilfiger did an event on our Staten Island Ferry.

Oh, hang out with him right now. I'm— what I'm going to say is we drag it out to Sag Harbor for the summer. Oh yeah, right. Let's start talking about that.

That's what every neighbor wants to look up and see, an orange vessel.

All those billionaires, they're not going to be mad at that.

It's fun. It's kitschy. Uh, Colin, thank you for being here. You're a pleasure.

Thank you for bringing in Sean.

Yeah, Sean, I'm sorry that we were abusive towards you and your, and your question. Oh, please. Did you get to— did you add— did you— were you able to ask our guests the things you wanted?

There were some other things. There's many other things, but that's okay. We'll get it next time.

I'm sorry, Sean.

That's all right. This just brings out the worst in me. Sorry.

Uh, okay, well, get back to work, Colin. I know you have a lot of work there with it, especially cleaning up that asbestos above your head. Yeah, because I can still see it. That's amazing.

I'll let you know what I find.

Um, thank you, my friend. Thank you guys very much.

And I would love to play this summer if you guys want to play. Uh, anytime.

I'm gonna hit you up. We're gonna finally do it. Yes, please. Okay, we're gonna finally do it. Bye, guys.

Bye, Colin. Good to see you. Waving. I'm waving like that's gonna register.

It's registered. Audio, audio wave, audio wave, audio wave. Audio wave. Thanks, dude.

Sean, what a great guest.

What a lovely man and a funny, funny guy.

I really like Colin. He's such a funny guy.

Every time I'm with him, he's just like easy. Well, but isn't it amazing?

He's the longest— I don't know if you heard in the intro— the longest— what am I saying? Of Weekend Update, the guy who's been there the longest of anybody.

Longest tenure.

Yeah. Host or thing. Did, did you not sleep last night? What happened? I'm still catching up.

Is your CPAP hose clogged? Just purge your hose.

Isn't that wild though, to just be— to know, like, he just admitted that as an L.

He's so good at— and Michael Duhamey, that guy's hilarious. Hilarious. Those guys are so funny.

Yeah. What was the joke somebody reminded me of that they did this last weekend? Um, uh, played like a clip of Trump saying, you know, look, we're holding all the cards. And then they come back to Colin, he's like, they're literally holding a straight. Yes, I saw that. Yeah, yeah.

I thought that's a pun. It was a pun.

It's a pun, you know, guys.

There's, you know, there's a lot of purchases we've all made in our life. And, you know, what started out as this good buys and some are bad buys.

Is that what it is? Is this— Okay, so, okay, but you're gonna back into it. Well, why don't you give it a little bit of a head, like talk about the ferry, and then in the middle talk about sometimes there's good—

Yeah, I mean, yeah, the Staten Island— What an interesting thing to learn about that, what drew him to buy that Staten Island ferry when he was a kid.

You spent it right there. You can't say bye until the end. So, still working on it.

Purchase. Okay. It was an interesting thing that he purchased that Staten Island Ferry with Pete Davidson because it brought, you know, because he took it when he was a kid to go to school. Yeah. So, you know, we've all kind of made interesting purchases. Some are good, some are bad. But that started out as a seemingly bad purchase, but in the end it was a good— I know what he's gonna say. Bye. Bye. I like that. Goodbye. That's really long.

Bye. I got to take a leak so fucking bad. Hang on.

Okay, love you. Think of me when you hold it.

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