Transcript of "Aubrey Plaza"

Hey, Sean, I was just thinking about, um, I'm just going, I'm getting really reminiscent of the old days.

I was thinking about it.

Well, I was just thinking about back in the day, you used to be able to get $10 out of a manufacturer handover ATM. So I was so broken, I'd take $10 out and then I could buy a pack of smokes and I'd go to Hot and Krusty and I could get a coffee and a Danish. And for $0.25, I could buy the New York Post. And then I'd go to the 87th Street entrance to the 86th Street station on the Upper West Side. And I'd wait for the subway doors to open. And then at the last second, I'd run and I'd hop the turnstile before they had the big thing. It was just the little turnstile, shitty. And I'd hop it so that I'd time it so I'd run in and beat the fare to get on the subway in case there was a transit cop there. You know what I mean? And then I could—

Yeah, welcome to Smartless.

Welcome to Smartless.

Smartless. Smart. Less. Smart.

Less. I'm gonna keep the gum very low. I'm just— I've turned it down to 1.

Oh, is this— is this— is this a suppressant gum type of nicotine thing?

It's a medicinal gum.

I just have— I have a lot going on.

Yeah, I get it.

And he needs it today, Sean.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, listen, go easy, you know what I mean?

Don't they have like— they've got sprays now. Can't you just like spray your— spray your mouth?

Do they really?

Yeah, they've got like a nicotine spray.

What do you mean, you just do a spray and it's—

yeah, like Banaca. Remember Banaca? Where'd Banaca go?

Oh yeah, Banaca.

Banaca is still happening, I think.

Is it really?

You know what makes your breath worse? Oh, I can't say. Can we say the name? Those little tabs, those mouthwash tabs.

No, no, no. They do not.

You mean the little sheets?

Yeah, the little tongue rubs.

Yeah, the little sheets. They make my breath worse.

Yeah.

Really? Who said?

Yeah. You, your mom.

No, because I use those constantly. The little tongue rubs.

No, I know. No, but for me, I don't know what they do. They make my breath worse.

Well, obviously we know that your breath is much more about your gut. But you know, the thing that JB— it's about your gut.

Yeah, it might be all the ground beef you have for breakfast.

Yeah, it could be. Yeah. When you have spaghetti bolognese and a donut you're kind of headed to a road down the road of disaster. But here's the thing I know about JB that he hates more than just bad breath. He hates a heavy breath.

Yes, this is true.

Right, JB?

Something hot, warm, and—

you know what he said to me?

Like a blanket.

We were on the golf course. We were somewhere, and we were in, like, a golf cart together. And he goes— he turns to me with the— look of utter, just—

Heavy lids.

—disgust on his face. And he goes, "I can smell your laundry detergent." Yeah, but that smells good.

It does.

But it was still a funny thing. It was a funny thing to say.

I must have been feeling a little extra grouchy that day. I know. Why am I naturally grouchy? What the hell's wrong with me?

I don't know. You're not, dude.

I'm not naturally grouchy. I'm just not— unnecessarily chipper. Giddy. Yeah. I mean, do you guys like people that just come in, they're just like— and you can tell they're not really in that good of a mood. They're almost like keeping you at arm's length by how happy they are. "Hey, hey, how's it going? Good to see you." It's like, no, I want to bring you in with, "I'm not full of shit over here." Right. I'm— That's so funny.

"Hi, how are you?" One of the many, many presidents of NBC when Will Grace was on the air.

Have you guys heard of that show? Yes, yes, yes. Wait, Will? Yeah, that's the one I said that I want to try to see one of these days.

Still not ringing a bell. I'm so sorry. It's still nothing.

Wait, so one of the, one of the presidents came in, you know, uh, one day and was like, something wrong with Sean? To somebody. And they're like, no, he's fine. Like, what, what's wrong? Well, it just wasn't, just wasn't chipper. And so it's like, you know, to your point, it's like you can't Some days you just don't want to. You just want to, like, just talk like a person.

Yeah. Do you not want real today?

I know. And that's the thing. Yeah. I think that for the most part, we're pretty real with each other. We're pretty honest about where we're at.

Yeah. Right. But I guess the difference is that you don't— you hope people sort of, like, they won't drag their stuff into your meeting, your time together. Like, I'm accountable for my own my own stuff. I'll put it in a little, in a little drawer.

I'm not going to drag my bad mood around. But sometimes we, sometimes we record a lot. We make one of these a week. Yeah. And sometimes life happens and you end up getting on and we start recording and you're in, you are where you are. And there's no— right. I, I had, I got, I had somebody, I had a thing that came up on you. Have you ever gone on that thing on Threads? It's part of, it's kind of like it's almost like, you know what it is, right? It's Instagram's Twitter, basically, in a way. Yeah. Meta. And something— somebody put my name in, and they were talking about the show, and they were like, I hate hearing him tell his story. I didn't even— I was not looking for it. Like, I was like, thanks, Meta. I was like, no, I didn't even— and it came up. I want to be like, thanks a lot. And then it was just like a litany of like, yeah, I don't really like that guy. You know what?

Because they're talking about you. Yeah.

And they're like, and I hate hearing his stories. I don't even listen.

I hate that You couldn't stop reading. And by the way, you can't—

how can you? And literally came up with my thing, and so much of it was so unbelievably mean-spirited in this way that I was like, whoa, I don't know you, but we talk about this. Seems like a real douchebag. I'm like, wait a second, what did I do? Yeah, but that's not about you.

That's about—

didn't you want to chime in, Willie? Mm-hmm. I did.

This girl said something like, he seems like, like What did he say? He looks like a perpetual ex-husband or ex-husband or something like that. I was like, hey, fucking, I'm doing my best over here. Thanks a lot.

He looks like an ex. You know what I mean?

And it was so weird. And then the mean-spirited comments after were so rude. I kind of wanted to go like, hey, I'm a human. I can hear this.

Did you want to just drop your phone number and say, you know what? Just call me. Just call me. Yeah.

And let's talk this through.

Wouldn't that be kind of fun?

What did I do? It would be kind of fun.

Why don't we bring somebody on that hates us once a week? Listen, you'd have no—

evidently, I'd have no— there's no shortage of people who would love to chime in about me.

It books itself.

A waiting list.

By the way, what they think I am, which is amazing.

Anyway, God, guys. All I'm going to say, you two are two beams of sunshine. And you know what a third beam of sunshine is? Uh-oh. Guys. Yeah. Uh-oh. Today we've got a guest who's a real kick. Okay, this gal pal of ours is about as funny as they come. She's as dry as burnt toast. Time named her one of the 100 most influential people in the world. She's been nominated for heaps of awards. She's won plenty of them as well. She's a producer and an actor. Most important, She's one of our friends. You guys, please welcome Miss Aubrey Plaza. Oh, get it out here. Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey Plaza. Yeah, I hate you all.

I hate you all.

Will, do you remember when she was your girlfriend and she was also my daughter at the same time? Yes.

What? On what? See, I thought you were both playing pedophiles in that. Am I remembering wrong? What are you talking about?

Oh, you're the one who's been commenting online about me.

Um, we did a, uh, we did a digital short for, uh, what was the product?

Oh, that, that I saw. Orbits. Yeah, no, or no, Orbit Gum.

Orbit was a travel site.

Oh yeah, Orbit Gum. Orbit Gum. Yes, thank you. That was a commercial? Yeah, it was a— yeah, it was like a, like a digital ad. You were not compensated fairly?

I, I honestly, the only thing I remembered was I thought you were both of pedophiles, and one of you was my dad.

Wow. Yeah, I was the dad in the pedophile glasses. Um, and then Will showed up. Will showed up as the, as the, the too-old-to-be-dating-my-daughter guy. Yeah.

And, um, oh right, we were dating. It was really funny.

And then what, what role did the gum play? The goal— the gum, the gum— I put in a stick of gum and then all of a sudden you seem like a good choice for my daughter, right? Wasn't that kind of the bit? I don't, I don't remember. I don't know. Is that on television? I don't remember the script. It was on the computer.

It was on the computer. You were fantastic, Aubrey.

You were. How did that happen? I don't remember anything.

Well, I remember you came to us with the idea. You were like, how can we get gum going again? I think.

Yeah, that sounds like me.

Gum's been ignored. You've always been a big advocate for gum.

I've got a friend that doesn't chew gum because he doesn't understand why you chew something and not swallow it. Like, he just literally doesn't understand the concept of it. Does that kind of like, if you think about it, kind of makes sense? I feel that way about dancing. I don't understand why you just kind of just move your body in the rhythm of the sound you're hearing. It's like, why are we doing this? Boy, that's a really tough—

What the fuck, man?

No, I understand. I'm not proud of it. It just feels good. Somehow it didn't just go with the idea of—

It feels good when you connect. It feels good when you connect a part of your body at the same time the music is doing it.

Aubrey Plaza is on our show, guys. Hi, Aubrey. Welcome. What is going on? This is insane. Aubrey, I want to get— What the fuck? Wanna Get Down, What Makes You Tick. Obviously I know that, so I'm not going to get into that. I know what makes you tick, it's gum. Um, it's gum. It's been a minute. I'm trying to think. I saw you, I saw you last summer, I feel like. I saw you over the summer. Yeah, yeah, I saw you. Where were, where were we? We were out east, as we say.

Okay, on Long Island. Out east.

Yeah, which I'm always corrected because I always, I always say up Up east. I'm going upstate or up whatever.

And you know who does that?

You know who does that too? Who does that incessantly is Polar. Yeah, she says up. She says up for everything.

Never. I think you need to be 2 hours north of Manhattan to be upstate.

Up, right? I don't know.

I just don't know the— I'm learning about the Long Island.

It goes the other way. Well, it does go east, but it does go kind of north too. It is kind of angled.

So Aubrey Plaza's on the show today, everybody. Hey, welcome, Aubrey. Uh, well, um, Sean, do you want to start with a little— a little—

sure. I, I— she knows that, you know, I adore you. I run into you at the gym.

Sean, I was at your opening. I forgot to tell— I forgot to text you. Wait a second, you were—

we were at it. Oh my God, Jason wants to know about this. Okay, walk us through.

Wait, you were at the opening when the lights went out?

Yes, I was. Yeah. Oh, where?

So we weren't at the opening. Where— when were we there, Sean?

You were the day after.

The day after. Wait, you handled that great, by the way. You were awesome.

Oh, thanks. Thank you. That's very nice.

Aubrey, you went to the show. You went to the show. Yeah. And you enjoyed it. Sean was great. And then you did not go back and say hi to him. Oh, here we go.

No, I bolted the minute it was over. Jason, thoughts?

Okay. I understand that.

I understand. Nobody wants to talk after.

No, they don't. Well, Sean does. And then he wants to take a picture in the elevator.

Oh, no, no, not me.

Wait, JB, go. The photo book you could make in the elevator. What's going on, Sean?

I leave while people are— Standing. Scotty takes all those photos.

I know he does, bless him. Now, Aubrey, you're a theater gal. You've done your runs at, what is it, ATC and a couple other hotspots I've seen on the Wikipedia page.

You're insinuating when you say it like that.

I've done 2 plays. I know.

Well, it's 2 more than I've done. I'm very jealous. But you're more seasoned than I am, so you might have a take on this. I have heard that it is polite— Here we go. Polite and industry norm to if you're famous and the person in the play is famous, well, then you kind of have to go backstage and say, "Hi, I'm famous, you're famous, I enjoyed your show." And if you don't, then that is— you're effectively saying, "I didn't like the piece." No. This is what I hear.

Well, not at the opening.

Everybody was there. Very impolite.

Not at the opening, though, right?

The opening is a different thing.

There's just too many people there. It doesn't matter either way to me, honestly.

I swear to God. I know, but I just want to—

Anna Wintour was there. Wow. Anna Wintour.

And she emailed me after.

Anna Wintour is so nice.

I really did mean to email you. You were great. I really mean—

I meant to. Is it Wintour or Winter?

Wintour, I think, because it's T-O-U-R.

Anna Winter?

I don't know. I'm not sure. Aubrey, I remember the— I said this to you before many times, and I know we've run into each other a million times, and I love you. Is the first time I met you, which is— I was in Amy Poehler's trailer. I was on the set of Parks and Rec and the whole— You're like a set designer? Amy lives in a trailer? Yeah. And you were sitting there with Aziz and Amy and just tons of other, like, people on the crew, other people. Sounds like a packed trailer. It was. There was lots of people in there. And I said, I said, I looked to you and I go, what do you do on the show? Do you work in the crew or— You said, I'm on the show.

Really? I don't remember that.

That's okay. I felt so bad, and I emailed you a long email after.

You felt bad enough that you wanted to bring it up again today?

Yeah, yeah. I thought we met at the gym.

Remember when I assaulted you?

And then we met at the gym.

What did she— did she strike you as a—

No, you were the quietest one. Like, you didn't say anything in the trailer.

I didn't know what was going on. I didn't even realize I was on a television show for like 2 seasons. I do believe that. I'm serious.

I do believe that. Yeah.

Now, so let's go— let's stay with Parks and Rec. Is it true, Wiki says, that you talked Mike Schur and Greg Daniels into changing the part to be a little bit more how it is, how it became? It wasn't originally that. True, untrue?

What do you mean? Like, as the show went on?

No, no. Like, when you went in there and you first met with them, you were like— the part was written a certain way, and you were like, "Yeah, but wouldn't it be funnier if it was this?" I don't—

well, I don't think they had texted me I hadn't technically written it yet, but I remember I went in for like a general meeting and I had no— and I really didn't have any idea how much weight was on that meeting because I was— I didn't have any—

Alison Jones set you up with that general? Alison Jones.

I came out because I was screen testing for Judd Apatow's movie. The Great Gatsby. And that was huge for me because I was like plucked out of nowhere. And then I was in LA for a week and I hadn't really been to LA. So Alison was like, do you mind if I just send you on a couple other meetings?

And I was like, Isn't your agent supposed to do that? Sure, lady. I didn't have an agent yet. What a nice lady she is.

Wait, wait, Plaza, what were you—

I didn't have an agent yet.

What were you doing? Where were you? Where did she pluck you from and how?

UCB? She found me at a whorehouse.

Don't! Audrey! Audrey, don't say that. What's the problem? What's the problem? Things are hard out there.

No, don't say that, Plaza. I was at Howard Beach, Queens, in a whorehouse. Oh my God.

Sucking. Googling. Googling.

I was doing UCB shows, and I was— it was— I don't know, actually. She— I think it was— yeah, it was— I was doing UCB, and Judd was doing, like, a very wide casting call because he wanted to cast an unknown comedian to play this part. And so I made it up the ranks, like, sending my videos in and stuff. And then I made it, and then I kind of, like, made— Allison saw my tape. I somehow got a tape to her with the scene, um, and then I, I, and then, yeah, so then it was like I made it all the levels to the point where they were like, and now you're gonna come to LA and do a screen test.

Yeah. And were you, were you like on, did you, did you have, uh, like your own sketch group at UCB, or?

Yeah, I was like, I was in a sketch group called That's My Booze.

Who were your contemporaries at that time? Did any 'Cause I remember you were a little after— I wasn't hanging around UCB as much then, but it was like— 'Cause I remember Aziz and those guys and Riggle and Sheeran and those guys back in those days when they were all there.

Yeah, like Aziz and I were kind of in the same class, but Aziz wasn't really doing improv so much, but he would be in the sketch part of it. And then, like, you know, it was like Kroll and Mancukis and Pally and Zach Woods and Lennon Parham and— all those guys, like, were kind of above me. Yeah. Like, uh, Anthony King and Kate Spencer and Joe Wengert and all the— and Chris Gethard. And yeah, I could go on, but they were kind of like so much talent seniors when I was like a freshman. Yeah. But I was kind of young, and I was friends with them, and I was like dating Joe Wengert at the time, who was kind of running the school, like the— yeah. That there's a fly. Sorry. I know.

Now it's over here. It's anxiety.

I have to move my arms like this.

Were you— would you go to, like, Ask Ed on Sunday nights or at least watch? Yeah. Sketch shows.

These are all sketch shows. Yeah. I mean, when I was— yeah, I would watch. I would stand in the back. I would see Ask Ed.

Did I ever meet you back then? Like, back before we became friends? We've never talked about this. No, you're kidding. No, don't say that. So many times.

Don't say it like that. I'm sure we met. I don't remember anything.

Do you miss sketch comedy?

Everyone was drunk in those days. That's true. Yeah, I love— I miss sketch comedy. Yeah. I would love to do like a sketch—

It's still happening, you know, you guys. It's still going on. Where? Yeah, no, you can find it. By the way, where? Does UCB still go on? Yes? Hello? Yeah. I don't— Guys, anybody can answer this.

I think it is. It's changed, right? I don't know.

I think it was gone. Like somebody bought it or then it went away or something.

And now it's back.

It's a very different— it's a— yes, it's back, but it's a different— I'm so— I feel— I do feel very removed from— because I was real— I never did even UCB in LA. Like, UCB LA to me was like, what? This isn't right.

Right. Anything. You were only in New York.

You were up on 8th Avenue.

I was in that Grassidis basement.

Yeah. Grassidis basement.

Yeah.

And we will be right back.

And now back to the show.

All right, so then, uh, Upright Citizens Brigade, for, for, for Tracy and, and the rest who don't know, that, that is an improv sketch place you go and, um, you see, you, you yell a sort of a prompt to the, to the talented folks on stage. And they—

that was, that was ASCAT. That was the one show when they would do like a herald. That's one type of— yeah, basically it was a place that was created by, by Amy Poehler and by, uh, Matt Walsh and Matt Besser and Ian Roberts. And they came from Chicago, and they created this thing. They were a sketch group, a part of Citizens Brigade, and then they created this whole theater and school and stuff in New York back in the day.

Like Second City.

And they would do those heralds, like you said, Sunday nights, they do Ask Jason, which you went to many times.

I was on a herald team. That's how— that was the thing. You wanted to be on a herald team. That was the main.

And a herald was that, where you have a suggestion, and then you kind of bring everything back, and you're kind of telling a long-form improv. Go ahead, Jason.

But yes, so—

My explanation was a tenth of what yours was gonna be.

No, mine was gonna actually be one of the rare Jason short things. I was going to get to— This is a place where you go where there is no pre-written dialog. Yes. You then, Aubrey Plaza, went on to start your acting career. Yes. With the scripted stuff. That's right. Scripted. And how did you find that? How did you find that transition where you have to now Now instead of making up what you say, follow what is already pre-written. The typical actor journey. I mean, I always—

that's what I— I love movies. I'm like a movie person, really. I mean, I love comedy and improv, but I— for me, it was always like, how do I get to the movies part? Like, that was always—

And what was the first stuff? Were you doing some of that scripted stuff while you were also playing around over there?

I mean, I tried. I was like, you know— auditioning for whatever I could when I was doing comedy stuff.

But, um, but it really didn't start till you came out here to LA?

Yeah, I mean, I really truly did have like a big break moment, like the— with Parks and Rec. Funny People. Funny People was technically first, but like, oh, Funny People. Yeah, you know, I've told the story.

So then you got that Judd screen test, you got it?

Yeah, so basically like I went out to LA for one week and I got— I, I, I booked Funny People, Parks and Rec, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World in one week. Boom.

Oh my God. Wow, that's crazy. Bada bing.

And it was like, what?

Did Allison— did Allison cast Scott Pilgrim too?

Um, what? Did Allison cast Scott Pilgrim too? Yeah, she, she sent me on all those meetings. And like, the Parks and Rec meeting, like, not to backtrack, was like, they hadn't written the script yet, and Mike Schur and Greg Daniels were in the room, and I just went into Mike's office, and I was just having a casual conversation with him. And he just—

You know what else you booked? You know what else you booked that week? Michael Cera. Let's talk about Michael Cera. Wait, what? Scott Pilgrim, you mean? But didn't you guys— You guys dated for a while, right? Didn't you guys date for a while? This was— But this was news to me when I was reading Wikipedia this morning. Well, he's our— He was my son, and you were my daughter.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, sure, sure. You know, so it was like, oh. Well, that's kind of a nice way of like, you're the boss.

Booked and bagged him real good.

Booked and bagged. Well, we found our first cut. There we go. We found our first single week left.

No, I'm kidding. But Wiki said it was 18 months. That's a significant relationship. That's a good thing, right? Was it? Wow.

That was a long time ago.

We were going to get married for a second.

And we're still very good friends. I love him so much. We almost got married. We drove across the country together, eating a bag of edibles.

Funyuns.

Edibles.

Crumbs of edibles. And we drove to Vegas with the plan to get married and then get divorced right away so we could call each other our ex-wife and ex-husband forever. Wow. Because we thought that would be a really good bit. That's a great bit.

Yeah. That is a good bit.

But then I think it was a combination of being too high, and paranoid. And then at that time, he was just very, very famous at that time. He like really, if you remember, like when Nick and Nora and all that stuff came out, he was super bad. He was so recognizable that like we went, I feel like we got in line at the county office or something and then everyone started running and we ran. So that's kind of all I remember what happened.

Wow. The fame saved you.

Yeah, it was too— the rare case. I'm pretty sure that's how it went down. We— yeah, we, we bailed.

But yeah, um, now what— I'm gonna stay— I'm gonna stay into— in, uh, uh, again, what the great, great Wikipedia has laid out for me here, the— in going in chronological order. And I'm sorry if this is a— we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, but it is. I think you've talked about it before. There was— at that time you had a rare stroke. That a young person— very rare for a young person to have a stroke.

I did. I had one at— I was 20, so it was before then, but it was when I was in New York. Yeah, I was doing— yeah, I was doing UCB comedy stuff. I was in college. What?

You've got Sean's attention. Sean's running from a stroke every day.

Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, he's—

No, I didn't know that. Tell me, wait, how did you— how did it happen?

And what did you feel? It happened like— truly in mid-sentence out of nowhere. It's a horrifying story. You just start slurring your words? It's a horrifying story. I had taken my sister to a Hilary Duff concert the night before. Sure. Yeah. And you know how that goes. And then I was having lunch in Queens. I took the subway. I was feeling normal. I had my coat on still. I walked into my friend's apartment. In Astoria to have lunch with them. And I was telling them about the Hilary Duff concert. And I said like, "Hilary Duff." And then I stroked out. No way. And I kind of— the first thing that happened was like my right arm was numb. And I looked down and I was confused. I wasn't slurring, but I was looking at my arm like, that's not my arm. It wasn't even numb. It was just not connected to my body. And then— Wow. Then I kind of blacked out for like a second. And then I came to, could move my arms, but I couldn't speak because the blood clot was in my language center. No. Oh my gosh. So it was like not even slurring.

It was just like not talking. Not talking. But I could understand everything that was happening.

And how does somebody at 20 years old get a blood clot or get a heart attack or whatever or stroke?

I don't know. It's a— honestly, it's a mystery. I think it was birth control or the tricycline. That was the only thing I was putting in my body. Like, I wasn't on drugs or, you know, doing anything weird. So, it was a real fluke. Like, and even to this day, like, I still have to, you know, whenever I go to the doctors, I have to fill out like my history. And I've seen top neurologists. I've been tested for, you know, all the blood disorders and clotting disorders and everything. And it's just like, I really think it must have been, birth control, because they have that on the label.

So then what— well, did they— were you, were you fine right then, or did they take you to the hospital?

Like, how do they fix— I was not fine because I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't talking. And so my friends were like, first of course thought I was doing a bit, and they were like, stop it. Um, and then they realized like something's wrong. And so the paramedics came.

And sorry, are you lucid at this point? Like, are you aware that this is happening? I'm aware.

Like, it's a really weird thing when you have a stroke. I've books about it, and it's across the board really similar experience that people have. You know what's happening and your brain— it really makes you understand that there's your brain and then there's something else going on, which is very profound to think about because I was— whatever that other thing is was watching my brain malfunction. And so I was— me was aware that my brain wasn't working right. So it's It's this really fucked up thing where you're like, wait a minute, like my consciousness is operating on another level. And so people would talk to me and I would know how to respond to them. I would know the answer, but I could not get it through the pathways of my brain out of my mouth.

Did you, did it, I mean this, did you, after that experience, did it give you a sort of a different sense on, I don't know how to say it, like spirituality? Did you feel like, do you have? Yeah. As you said, because you're sort of conscious or whatever this other thing that's operating.

Yeah. Did it change your view of life?

Did it change the way that you look at stuff and look at spirituality and stuff like that?

Yeah. 100, like 100 million percent. Like I definitely— Hondo P. Hondo P. just felt like, all right, well, if that's true, then like something bigger is going— I am very fascinated with that.

Yeah, I do now. Well, so when I say, I guess it did change, but were you— I don't know, it sounds like such a sort of sweeping question. Were you a spiritual person before? But did you have— what were your thoughts on that kind of stuff before? Well, I grew up really—

I grew up Catholic. I grew up very Catholic. I went to an all-girls, you know, I went to all-girls Catholic school my whole life. And so, you know, my spirituality was very wrapped up in like saints and God and Jesus and, you know, and things like that. But I would say that I've always— I feel like I've always been a spiritual person. You know, now I've shifted into more the dark arts, you know. Paganism. Oh, goats and— Sure, yeah.

You're like, by the way, can I get a sample of your guys' blood after this?

Then she goes, don't bother, I've already got it.

It's my brand. It's my shtick. The whole witch thing. But no, I am. And I think I did really stop, at least for some time, like sweating the small stuff a little bit. Like, I felt— I did really feel like, wow, A, the trauma of something like that happening so out of nowhere changes the way your brain is because you're like, well, okay, if that can happen like that, then the fuck else can happen? And what's the point of, you know? Right.

You're not walking around thinking like that can happen like today. Are you?

Not anymore, but I was after that. I was very enthusiastic.

Did it make you less cynical, do you think?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I feel like it would.

Contrary to popular— That might straighten you out.

Well, no, I don't think that you're cynical at all. I don't.

But you would never take birth control, whatever that thing is now, right?

I probably wouldn't.

I mean, if that was the one— But if that was the one thing that you could kind of point to?

Well, um, there's a baby inside of me. What's that?

Hold, hold, back it up.

Wait, what did you say?

What did you say? No, I said there is a baby inside of me right now.

Is that a true story? That's true.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

What? How did you do that? That's so good.

Oh, thanks. That's very exciting. I know, it's shocking, isn't it?

I know, that's really cool.

That's really cool. This is baby number one?

Yes.

That's right, number one. How exciting, Aubrey. I want—

I'll just say this. I went— today was a big day. I went to the doctor's today and my dog has also went to the doctor's. Also pregnant? Both of us. My dog's getting a scan right now. I got a scan earlier. I'm not kidding. Boy, real talk. Frankie's getting an ultrasound on her stomach. Um, she'll be back. When is she back? 2 o'clock. We'll find out. Um, what's— I think she's okay. She had to get an ultrasound on her stomach, and then I got an ultrasound on my stomach, and there is a baby in there. That's amazing.

That's so exciting. Happy for you.

Yeah.

Um, and it already has like a cloak and a little hat, and, um, no, I think it's gonna come out. But let me ask you something.

If you— if the ultrasound was— if you got the ultrasound at the vet, I would recommend that you go.

No, no, no, Jason. I think— No, that we did—

I did accidentally go to the vet first, but— and then that's why I was late.

Aubrey, I'm so happy for you. I just— I just think, you know, that I just think you're such a great person, and, um, oh, you'll be okay. I'm really happy for you. Yep. I'm really, really, really happy for you. That's so awesome. You've always got your— oh, you're so funny, and you're so just such a good— yeah.

Aren't you excited about being a mom? I mean, this is— you're gonna be great.

I am, yeah. I've always wanted to see what that's all about, you know? It just seems so interesting. How incredible.

Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Congratulations. This is all great news. It's very, very thrilling.

Aubrey, you've been so busy too. I mean, you—

Are you working right now?

First of all, I was realizing last year— I want to talk about this because I don't think it got enough, and you and I texted about it last year. I watched your movie Emily the Criminal, and I know it's long gone and whatever. I thought that was such a great movie. Your performance in that was so, so good, Plaza. I mean— Thank you. —really. I don't know if you guys saw it. What an awesome movie and what a great performance.

All I know is every time I see you in any— I didn't see that particular one, but every time I see you in anything, I'm always stunned by how confident you are in being still. I just find it is— it's such a— it's so— I don't know, it's not attractive or infectious is not the word I'm looking for. As an audience member, I'm just drawn in, and I can't stop watching somebody who's so comfortable not helping me as an audience member, knowing what's going on inside your head. You know, like, I lean forward.

And being able to do that, J.B., like, in a drama where you have to be very sort of vulnerable, very real, and then being able to also do it in comedy, You have such facility with all of it, and I think it's really impressive. It's so subtle. It's really— I hope people go back and rewatch that and then continue to watch the newer stuff. But I wanted to say that because you know how much I love that movie.

Thank you for saying that. I love that movie. That was such a baby of mine, that film. I'm so proud of it. Like, I just want— the script was so good. And I was like, as a producer, you know, just like, If we could just— it really taught me that it is always the fucking script. It's like, it is this fucking script. I'm like, if we shoot the script exactly how it's written, the movie is going to be good. And it was— we didn't compromise. And that was what I was so proud of. We really didn't compromise the script. And then the movie turned out great. And obviously, so many other things have to happen to make that happen. But it taught me that. Where did your—

where did your— where did your Where did your taste for what your particular style— where did that come from? Was one of your parents particularly dry? Was there an actor or an actress that you really admired coming up? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't even think— I mean, I don't even know. It's hard for me to really have perspective on that at all because I feel like— The deadpan. Yeah. Maybe that's how— I wasn't really always like that growing up. Like, that wasn't really my thing. But then I think that the things that I got cast in first, like, character-wise, for me, like, I'm not saying, like, "Ooh, I'm a method actor," but, like, I do think that, like, I capitalized on this persona early on because the Funny People role was really based on, you know, and I know it wasn't officially said, but I'm pretty sure that it was based on Janeane Garofalo. And so, and I kind of knew that and I studied her and her stand-up.

Right. Also incredibly dry and hilarious. Right.

And she was like, you know, she's such a hero of mine, like loved watching her. And then the Parks and Rec character was also kind of born out of that same— there was a lot of stuff that there was a zone there that I was like, I can do that.

Are you ever— do you ever allow yourself to think somewhat strategically about, well, maybe I should play a part that shows that I can do all the other side of the spectrum as well? I mean, is that— are you one of those actors that considers that kind of thing?

I mean, I think when I was on Parks, definitely, because I was always like, get me out of this zone. I got to show people what I can do. Right. You know, so I was always like, you know, Dirty Grandpa was an example where I was like, "Get me that fucking part." Like, that has nothing to do with— But now I'm more just like, I just want to be— I just honestly just want to be in something good. I don't even care. It's not even about, "Oh, I want to, you know, blow everyone away with my performance," but I want to be in movies that people remember, watch more than once, that don't just float away into the ether, that But it's like they never— that never happened.

And the producing effort is in that direction, yeah? Is it to sort of, like, start to cook your own food, right? As opposed to just react to the phone ringing and—

Yeah, I mean, I'm still an actor. I'm still like, "Why is no one calling me?" Like, "Where's— where are my parts?" I find that hard to believe. I find that really hard to believe. No, no, no, no. I get a lot of— I'm in a very good— I'm very grateful for my, you know, position, whatever. I get offered things, of course, but like, I still have that like actor thing where I'm like, "Eh." But producing, I think, was at first very much about like, "All right, well, if I'm not gonna get, you know, offered parts that I really want, then I'll just fucking do it myself." Right. But now it's more— but then I really— but I really— I went to film school, you know, I studied film. NYU. At NYU. I studied directing and producing, and I truly love the craft of filmmaking. Like, I really love movies. So, like, it also has nothing to do with acting, and it's really about just start, you know, making something from the very beginning to the very end and seeing it through and being like, you know, how can I make a great film?

Did you have a favorite movie this year? The Oscars was like a month ago. You know— Did you love any of those?

This year was really tough for me. Yeah, I just could not get into any of it. I will say, and I don't understand why Eddington— I know, just got— why everyone's pretending that movie didn't happen.

I love that movie. I love that movie.

Great. And I don't want to hear it. Yeah, that movie's great. So like, I don't know what everyone's—

I love that movie. Totally agree with you.

What the hell was that?

Amazing. Where did that go? I don't understand. Apparently, like, it wasn't embraced at Cannes where it premiered. Whatever. No, divisive filmmakers. Engrâcez. Yeah, that was a stunning movie. I thought that was incredible.

In a certain regard, this motherfucker.

I'm sitting on a really stupid pun, but it's too far removed from what we were talking about. Just go for it now. No, but it's just like OCD now. I just want to get it out.

Okay. You've stopped the momentum, so all we're stopping is the momentum.

Oh, you were saying the parts aren't coming, and then the parts that you want, and I go, "Maybe you could do some parts for fun, and you could call them parts for recreation." You know what I mean? And I'm just saying it would be— What I'm saying is, had I said that back then, I wouldn't have had to stop everything. And this is why people hate me on this show.

We'll trim it. We'll trim it. We'll tighten it all up. Yeah. We'll be right back.

And back to the show.

All right, well, I, I, I, I want to— I want to— is there Delaware, right? That's where we started. This is where the— what a question.

That's what I was going to ask too, but I was going to ask, like, because I've only known you as an adult, I'm, I'm fascinated with who you were as a child. And were you this dry and funny and witty? And were your friends did you have, like, a circle of friends that shared your sense of humor, or were you like—

I, I mean, I definitely— I was definitely a shy kid up until when I discovered theater, like, very classically. Like, you know, I, I went to, like, the Wilmington Drama League, which is the, the community theater I, I learned at, and when I was, like, 11, and I started to see, oh, people are pretending to be other people. This sounds really fun. And so then all of a sudden, I kind of understood that that was an outlet for me. And then I think I came out of my shell more. And then by the time I was like, you know, in middle school or whatever, I was like, funny.

And then your summer program at NYU, that was sort of like, okay, there's a bridge has been built to the big city. And that's kind of how that— is that how that all worked?

Well, I think like I had a I have a friend who's a comedian, Neil Casey, who you probably know, Will. Writer, really funny comedian. You know Neil, I think.

I do know Neil, yeah.

He's an old-school UCB guy, but him and I grew up together. He was a little bit older than me, but he went to the all-boys brother school. He introduced me to John Waters movies and to UCB, the Operated System Degraded show that was on television, and Kids in the Hall and Mr. Show, and we got into like stuff like that as teenagers, like young teenagers. And then I started to really become like a comedy freak and then develop like my love for films and movies. Who were your comedy idols?

Sorry, who were your—

I think Garofalo.

Janeane. I always blank. I always like black out when people ask me.

I know, I know. Forget it. Was there any other like, was there any other occupation or industry or career that was battling your growing dream for this, to be an actor? Like, was there any other thing that you were thinking about? Maybe going to college to study? No. No? This was it. You were all in.

Fucking dope. I love that. I was all in.

I was all in.

I was like, all in. Mom and Dad were okay with that? What did they do? Were they like, okay?

They were okay with it. My dad was in the finance world. He was a stockbroker. And my mom was a lawyer.

No pressure to go into either one of those professions from them?

Nope. My parents were really young when they had me. They were 19 when they had me, and they had nothing when I was born. Like, really, like, hustled and worked their way up in the '80s. And, like, I learned from them, like, how to, you know, hustle. Hustle. Yeah. And it didn't matter, like, what field you were in. It was just like They're— that's what they taught me. And my mom, I think, also, like, she went to night school when I was a baby to be a lawyer and stuff, but she's really introduced me to, like, Saturday Night Live, and she loves theater and movies. And I think in another life she would have been doing what I'm doing. Oh, that's great. Yeah, so I think—

So they've got to be thrilled for you then, because you just did it all self-created. They're so psyched, yeah. Well, let's stay there with Saturday Night Live. So you were a page at one point at 30 Rock. Oh, that's cool. I didn't know that. And then a bunch of years later—

What year?

She comes back and she hosts Saturday Night Live. That must have been very surreal. That was crazy.

Cray cray, right? That was crazy. I was a page 2005. It was right after— I can't remember if it was after the stroke. I think it was before the stroke. I don't know. After the stroke. But I was an intern, actually. As in the 30 Rock building.

Which is higher or lower on the power scale?

It's weirdly higher than a page. Really? You would think that because—

An intern doesn't get paid, but a page does, right?

But a page gets paid. So you would think, but like, no.

A page works for the network and the intern works for the show.

Exactly. And I was not a very good page. I was like fucking around too much. What was your problem? My problem was I was hungover pretty much every time. So I would have to throw up in the— the trash cans in the hallway, like mid-tour.

What does a page do there?

Well, if you don't get an assignment, which I never did, maybe once I got one, which means like you get assigned to a different show. Like the coveted position was the Saturday Night Live pages to get assigned on SNL. But if you don't get assigned, you're just giving tours. You're on the circuit. You're giving—

So you had to give tours?

Oh yeah. Oh wow. I get tours. And then—

I would love to have seen that.

What would be so great about being an SNL page? Is it just the fact that you get to hang out there at the desk and you're basically mission control where everyone is passing by?

You just get to be there. You just get to watch what's going on. That's pretty amazing. And meet celebrities and get them coffee and whatever.

So then when you come back as a host, you, um, did you talk with them more? Did you— was it just sort of just like a private little way?

No, I would never talk to a page. Never. No, of course. I mean, every time I go in that building, I'm like, you know, I still know the security guards. Like, it feels, you know, that building is so like, it's such a family vibe there. Like, it's the best. And like, I'm still— I love my bosses 'Cause I was an intern at SNL and a page, but I was an intern in the design department with Akira and Keith Raywood and Joe and Eugene.

The design of the sets or the costumes?

The set designers for the show. And then when I hosted, I did my monolog about that. And I had those guys come on stage. It totally came full circle, but they were all— Yeah, I mean, I love going back there.

Was it emotional at all when you were hosting?

Yeah, it's really tripped out. It was very trippy. It's like, it's weird. Yeah.

It's very weird. I think that's— So when you grew up, you grew up in Delaware, is that correct? Yeah. And then you moved right to New York, right? Like when you were a kid? Yeah.

I mean, I moved to—

yeah, to go to college. Oh, so Delaware your whole— up until you were at college and then you went to college in New York. Had you been to New York before then? And seen it and like, I want to go there and all that, or?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, because Delaware is really only 2 hours south of the city. People like think it's like 5 hours away. Yeah, it's really close.

It's really close. I take the train up all the time.

And then you, and then you went out to LA. So you basically, my question is, because I always talk about Scotty about living like in a small town somewhere because we're, we're constantly on either coast in New York or Los Angeles, back and forth, back and forth all the time. And there's something appealing about living in a small town somewhere, like outside of a city, but I think I might go out of my mind a little bit because I do need that.

Yeah, you'd feel too isolated?

Yeah, and I do need the stimulation of the noise. And are you like that?

Um, yeah, yeah, I like the city. I like New York. I'm back in New York, you know.

Are you back in New York now?

I'm back in New York, baby. You are? Yeah, I'm back in New York.

So you wouldn't be able to move back to a small town again? Sean, you wouldn't be able to do that either?

I don't think— I want to want it, but I don't think I could— I would last. Right. But maybe.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I could. But where I grew up wasn't— there was a small town vibe in some ways, but Wilmington, Delaware is like, it's a proper city also. So it's not like super small town vibe.

And you want to raise your family in a city like that? You are now.

I— yeah, I mean, I wasn't, you know, it's not totally thought through, but, um, I'm like, yeah, I mean, East Coast for sure. I— my family's in Philadelphia and Delaware mainly. Oh, great. So I loved— like, one of the reasons I came back here, um, was for that, so I can get on the train and go home, you know. Yeah, my grandmother. Yeah.

How are you when you go on, uh, on a loca— on a location, like when you're shooting something that's in a faraway place? Yeah, on location. Yeah, like, like White Lotus, for example. Like, are you okay being disconnected from a major cosmopolitan city for a long period of time?

Yeah, I'm like very adaptable. Like, I feel like I would— I'm— if I go someplace and I'm there for, for one day and I'm like, this is it, this is my life for the rest of my life. Like, I'm very— right, I think I would be okay like in jail.

Just make it your home, right? Yeah, yeah.

I'd be like, this is what I have to eat and this is where—

I say that when I get into an elevator, I'm like, if it breaks down, this is where I'm at.

This is here for several hours.

That's not true. That's not true. You kept Valium in the— in your elevator in London. This is a true story, Aubrey. I know he kept a bottle of— he kept a bottle of Valium in his elevator at his place in case it broke down so he wouldn't freak out. So this goes— this is an absolute That's a fallacy what you're saying right now. There's proof, recent proof of you not being okay being stuck in an elevator. But I went through—

what is that therapy called? I went through that therapy. Ibogaine. EMDR? Yeah. What? No. Like, what is it called when you—

Electrotherapy.

When you go, you do the thing you're afraid of. EMDR?

No, I forget what it's called. Shock therapy.

Anyway, exposure. Exposure therapy. Okay. Yeah. So I did that with a subway.

And then I got you. You just open up your trench coat? What's going on?

No, I did it. I did exposure therapy and I got over it.

Let's talk about White Lotus for a second. Now, where did you shoot that?

Sicily. Sicily. 5 months— it was like 4 or 5 months in Sicily and then 1 month in Rome. Wow. Wow.

That's pretty nice. That's pretty fun.

Yeah. That sounds pretty, pretty good.

Pretty good. Is everything okay, Jane?

Jay, are you okay?

I'm hearing something in the other room. It's probably the Alexa. Chirping off.

Um, um, now, um, attacked by a Roomba. Did you— electronics are revolting.

Did you, um, is it true that the scripts are really secretive when you're doing White Lotus? Like, you're not allowed to, like, talk about them? It's like, like doing Star Wars. Uh, is that— did you have a problem with that?

I didn't have a problem with it, but yeah, I mean, you're not really— you're, you're You're not supposed to, because he writes all of them, so you get all of them. You've read all of the episodes before you get on the boat.

Wow. He being Mike White.

Mike White, right. Right. But is there like— so there's a big secret you can't say on these shows, right? It's about somebody that dies, right? You mean to say to who? To anyone, to the public. Like, what are they trying to keep it secret and locked down? Because at the center of each one of these seasons is the reveal— It's a murder. All right, the murder mystery. The murder.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't read other people's lines and other people— I didn't even know.

Wait, you're not— you're not— you're not given the pages that you're not on?

No, she's giving you— you are? Oh, you are? Oh, she's given them. Don't worry.

I've heard of productions like that. You're only given the scenes that you just go, bullshit, bullshit, my line.

All right, remember? Yeah. Um, no, I, I didn't read my Season was different, or maybe slightly different because— or maybe it wasn't different. I don't know the secrecy. But I don't— yeah, I actually, like, I read the scripts, obviously, but I was so focused on my storyline that I was— I didn't even really know what was going on in the rest of the show at all. But I will say, I just was with Sandra Bernhard, who's gonna be on the next season. And I was hanging out with her last week, and I was like, "Did you get all the scripts?" And she was like, "Yeah." And I was— and just nothing. Tight-lipped. And I didn't care. I'm not, like, trying to get the secret out of her, but, like, she had that White Lotus look in her eye.

Sandra Bernhard, you know it well.

Did you guys all see King of Comedy way back in the day?

Of course. One of my all-time favorite movies.

I love that movie. Yeah, the top. Aubrey, what do you have coming up that you're super excited about? Because I know you got a lot of projects going on.

Oh, well, the main thing that I believe— and I believe this is like dropping the day that this comes out, which is today— which is Kevin, my new animated series that I co-created and starred in and produced on Amazon Prime Video.

Oh, great.

Prime Video.

Excuse And let's tell our listeners what that is about, the show Kevin. So, Kevin—

Your voice is so funny.

I know. It's a lovely title. What— who is Kevin?

Oh, God. Kevin is a cartoon based on a real true story that was about my actual cat that I shared with Joe Wengert when we lived in Astoria, Queens, at the time that we were talking about, Will, all that UCB era. Yeah. And we had a cat cat named Kevin, who was an alley cat. We actually had two cats, Kevin and Howard. They were brothers. But this Kevin survived longer, so the show's about Kevin. But the show is basically about a couple that is living in Queens based on me and Joe that break up, and they have to tell their cat because in the show animals and humans interact. And they tell Kevin, like, "We're breaking up. So who are you going with, me or him?" And Kevin's like, "You know what? I'm not going with either of you. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be with you. I want to go out on my own and be with the single cats. And I want to play the field." So Kevin goes and lives at a shelter with all the other single cats. And they kind of— they date owners and see and decide, you know, negotiate with humans and decide, "Maybe I'll live with this guy.

I don't know." That's funny. And who's playing Kevin?

Kevin is voiced by Jason Schwartzman. Nice. Who's so funny, 'cause Kevin's this kind of neurotic cat. He's got a really messed up butthole that he's fixated on. He's constantly talking about his weird butthole in therapy. Same. And he's just got a lot of interesting—

Growl. Jason wrote the music? Jason wrote the music for the show too?

Jason wrote the theme song, which is so fucking catchy.

You know, Jason's a killer drummer. Yeah, he is. The guy's a crazy good drummer.

He's so talented. Yes, he is. Yeah, he wrote the theme song. It's awesome. It has this, like, really, like, yeah, early 2000s, like, indie rock vibe. And then the cast is just insane. It's like John Waters plays Armando the cat, who's this kind of— That's great. Wow. Snobby Persian cat queen that lives in the house. In Queens. Whoopi Goldberg plays a hairless freak cat. Amy Sedaris plays like a little yappy dog that's bossing everybody around. She's adorable. Oh, man, she's great. I play a human, among other things. I play a drunk spider and different kinds of characters.

Obvious, obvious. That's great. You didn't have to play 2 or 3 characters, you know? You didn't run out of people you could have gone to. I mean, you got Will, who's done quite a bit of voice work.

Sean's done some.

I've done some. Um, if you ever get tired of playing multiple characters, you know, just saying. I will.

Um, that is a really good cast, isn't it?

It's fucking stacked, and the guest stars are amazing. The whole— the show's really, really funny. We've been working on it for— since before the pandemic, you know, animation takes so long, and it's, uh, it's, it's really funny. I'm so proud of it. I think people are gonna love it.

Schwartzman used to do it. He used to do a show, a weekly show on SiriusXM SMU, where he'd play all sorts of, like, you know— Deep cuts? Yeah, deep independent music cuts. And he was so good. I used to listen to it every week. I'm such a fan of his in every way.

Yeah, his taste in music is so—

Really good.

So good.

Yeah, really, really good. I wonder if he is— He's not— I think he used to be in a band back in the day. Yeah. Phantom Planets.

He's not like his dad band now.

His band wrote the theme song belonged to Orange County— isn't that right? Yeah! Oh, that show California? Yes!

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, wasn't that on while we were doing Arrested Development at the same time? Yeah, it sure was. Yeah, I wonder if he's like in a dad band right now. How great would that be?

That is cool.

Don't put him in that. He can do something else.

Well, but he's a dad.

Okay, but that doesn't need to be his identity, man.

No, you know, because it'd be his little side gig. Saying this. Um, uh, well, listen, Aubrey, we hit it. We did it. We're 2 minutes past our time already. I mean, you're amazing. Aubrey, you're such a delight. Firing on all cylinders. Congratulations on the incredible news. That is awesome. That is really, really awesome. Thank you, guys. Um, and, uh, and the birth of your new show today as well. Good one. Good one. So, uh, just, um, you know, celebrations all around. Yes. Thank you for doing this. Thank you, Andy. For birthing this episode today. Fucking too much. Good to see you. Too much? That was too much. We'll trim that later. Great to see you again, Aubrey.

Plaza, love you so much. Love you too. Just so happy for you. You're the best.

You're the best, huh? You're the best.

You're the best. I was looking at you.

You take care of yourself. All right. You hear me?

We're going to watch Kevin. We're going to watch Kevin on Amazon Prime starting today. I'm logging on right now. Oh, yo, the reviews are in. Meow, says the New York Times.

Kitty likes to scratch, says the Post. It's the purr-fect show.

There we go.

Don't ruin it for me. Okay, you're right, you're right. We love it, we love it, we love you. Um, thank you.

Enjoy your day.

Bye, honey.

And, uh, all right, goodbye. See you down the road. Bye, Plaza. Bye, y'all. Bye. Uh, there she goes, Aubrey Plaza.

There she came and there she went. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a pleasure. What a play.

Yeah, she's, um— I love her particular talent and taste and style.

Yeah. She's real cool, as the kids say. She's real cool.

Yeah.

She just does something that I think a lot of actors are not really comfortable doing, which is, you know, like, I don't know—

Believing that they're enough.

Exactly, yeah, and that they're not screaming their performance at you, you know?

Yeah, I mean, she has so much— I don't know, again, just her facility with all of it. It's amazing. And that, honestly, I mean, I've always been a fan and sort of biased, but then last year when I saw that Emily the Criminal, it was just— It was like another layer, like another really rich, heavy-duty layer. I was like, "Wow, this kid—" I'm not— "Kid," that sounds almost—

You know, "This person has got it all." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, yeah. And then I think about— and then I look at JB and I'm like, what is— what's missing?

You know, what's the thing? How is he still going? What a mystery. Because he's just so— he's an enigma.

Well, no, it's not your ability. As a talent, you're great. You got so much talent. But as a person, you're like— you got the personality of a Waymo driver.

You know what I mean? I know. I just leave you own, mostly.

Yeah, I guess.

But I'm reliable and I'll get you there on time. I'll get you there.

But then it's basically nothing, right? You know what I mean?

Like, that's a robot. But it's not even like there's nothing.

Like, you put your hand, there's nothing expensive, but like, not even there. So expensive. Just a waste.

That's the other problem. You've priced yourself out. You know what I mean? You have priced yourself out.

Now, Shawnee, I have a goodbye. Did you dig something? I know you do.

I was gonna say, um, what's this hat today? I don't know, there's something— what's today?

Oh, this is Glenbard West. This is my high school. It's a castle on a hill.

Is that something that you purchased? He doesn't— you don't wear a lot of things that you buy, that you bought.

No, they gave this to me.

And have you ever thrown out a freebie?

I know, I was like, this is like somebody's production company.

Yeah, yeah, I know. And I'll bet the sweats are—

the sweats are the college I went to. —uh-huh. The sweats are the college, the hat's the high school, and this is somebody's company. I don't know what it is. That is pretty crazy, isn't it? I didn't realize it till now.

It's so good. Well, maybe one of these days you got to get yourself out to a store and actually buy something.

Yeah, there we go. Nice. Smart. Morris. Smartless. Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Rob Armjarff, Bennett Barbaco, and Michael Granteri. Smartless.