Transcript of Episode 544: Why Being Interested Beats Trying To Be Interesting in a Conversation New

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it. Hello everybody. Welcome to Habits and Hustle. I'm here yet again, one more time with my foil, Shani. Hello. Hello. We don't have a camera because we only have one camera, so that's why she's off camera. But we are gonna do an episode today on the top 3 strategies for being a better communicator. I think this is a really important one because a lot of times, and I know I've done this a bunch, I have been, a lot of things have kind of went sideways because I didn't communicate well or properly and I could have been way more effective. And over time I've realized with the tons of experts I speak to and just research and trial and error, what's really been really powerful in how I've leveled up my communication skills. And so I wanted to share that, talk about that. And they're very easy. These are not things that require much of anything except implementation and practice. But I think some of these things really uplevel how you not just communicate, but how you end up actually connecting with people. And the first thing is being an active listener.

I think listening and the quality of how you listen is so fundamentally important. 'Cause how many times have you spoken to people and they're not paying attention to you? They're looking over your shoulder, or they're just waiting for you to finish speaking so then they can end up talking. These are like massive turnoffs and no-nos. I think when you're trying to have a really effective dialog with somebody and connect with somebody in a real way, you have to be paying attention, and that requires to be listening actively, which means letting people finish when they speak, not interrupting, and maybe even saying back some of the things that they said with a question. Don't you think that's important?

Yeah. How do you actively listen when you have your mind racing? Do you have tricks for that? Because that is the hardest thing for me.

Well, I think part of being an active listener is not thinking, what's your next thing you're going to say? What's the next question? I think This is where it becomes difficult for some people. I think a lot of people get anxious about wanting to seem like they're listening, but yet they're thinking, they're nervous about the communication, so they're just thinking about the next thing that they can say versus listening to what the other person said and then responding in a way that shows that you actually paid attention to what that other person said and making a retort or a comment based on that. For example, right? I see a lot of podcasters do this, which is like, so sorry, I was just thinking podcasters because it's so— they do think that it's so annoying.

Yes.

Because like, if I'm saying— if let's say, for example, like your guest is talking about how they love to swim and they are avid people of the beach, and you have— your next question is about, I don't know, about something completely different, like, but not like about their work life, you know, their work life or work work schedule or they're like employees and you're just waiting for them to finish and then you just end up saying, great, now, or like when you're with your employees at work as opposed to being like, really, like what temperature do you like to swim in? Do you find that you like to go in the morning? Do you go when it's cloudy outside? Like extending the conversation to what they were talking about that is like that, that actually is fluid versus like going all the way on the next, next area because it doesn't fit the questions that you had You know, in place. To me, that's what active listening is. When you are paying attention enough to be able to continue a conversation with the flow of what's happening versus just taking something outta left field because it was what you had written down.

Hmm. But what were you gonna say?

Uh, actually something kind of similar, but the pressure that I think some hosts feel to never have a dead space.

Yeah.

So they don't usually, they, so they will try and look at their script or look at the next question to fill it really fast as opposed to listening to what they're saying. And then you end up missing a really good follow-up opportunity, like you're saying.

Yeah. It's all about the follow-up. I mean, like a lot of times what I end up doing is I have a bunch of questions written down and more often than not, I am not even looking at my questions because it's not, it's like, it's completely derailed from what the conversation was that they started. So I have to just go on what they're talking about and then listen actively enough. So then I follow up with something that's appropriate versus inappropriate. That's the first one. And then the other one I wanna talk about is making sure you're using very clear and concise language when you speak with somebody. And I think I like directness so people know what you're talking about, they know what you're saying, and there's meaning behind it. I really believe that when people are too airy fairy and flowery and not, they beat around the bush too much, nothing ever, like there's no real, it's hard to communicate in that, in that way. So being super concise and deliberate with what your words are and what your message that you're trying to get across is. Does that make sense?

Yeah, you need to be, you need to have clarity. A lot of comments I'm seeing online are kind of confusing. I've been helping a lot of people write their content that they've been posting on Instagram. So they'll send it to me for fact-checking and also just to have some clarity. So just yesterday actually, somebody sent me something to format for them and I had them rewrite the last sentence 'cause it was just confusing. And it didn't really make sense. I knew what they were trying to say, but that wasn't how it came across. And so they sent me back a much better version. And I think that's really important, especially if you're communicating online or via text or word. But even if you're communicating by mouth and just in conversation, you don't need to be redundant and you do need to be clear and concise and try and figure out a way that even the layman will understand. So someone who's not fully enthralled in this issue will understand.

So. I think it's being, and we're both saying the same thing, not to be redundant, but not to be redundant, but simple, straightforward, clear, and concise. And the other piece I wanna add to that is listening to the tone of voice you're using and who your audience is, because how you speak to one audience is very different than how you speak to another audience. Just how I, how I talk to my 10-year-old boy is very different than how I talk to you, Shawnee, right? Or to a business associate. So being like, read the room and know who you're speaking to and then match it accordingly. And then the other one that I think is really, really important, and I think this actually supersedes maybe even the other ones, is body language. Because people can read a lot into how your body is, like your language, how you're speaking, like how you present yourself. It can make or break that, what do you call it? The experience, I guess, would be a great way. Like the gestures you're making, the nonverbal cues that you give people. Like nonverbal cues, I think, especially with me, like I'm a big nonverbal cue person.

Like I'm always watching to see how somebody is responding and reacting to how I'm with them. And then I act accordingly, right? Like if people are like interested in talking to me or uncomfortable, if I'm making them uncomfortable, like all of these things. Are super important to impact the— your communication level. Sorry.

Do you ever do the mimicking thing where you mimic somebody else's body language? Because I subconsciously do that all the time. And I notice when I do it all the time, like I just— it really has been something that ever since I think middle school, I heard about this, like mimic the body language, they'll feel great. And I've not stopped doing it since then. Like really just as a part of my conversation style now. And I can't help it. It's just— it just happens. But I do think it helps.

Maybe. I don't know if maybe I do that subconsciously, like you said, like you do. I think also saying somebody's name while you're speaking to them makes people feel super, super engaged and comfortable.

Good one.

You know, like I think people love to hear their names, even if they don't think they do. I think it's a psychological thing. You feel naturally more comfortable and closer to somebody if they say your name. Like there's been times I have guests on here and they'll say, you know, yeah, like Jennifer, when I was doing this, and I don't know them that well, and I'm like, And I'm like, hmm, I feel like we are friends now, right? Like you feel that like instant connecting point when someone says your name. And I always think it's also important, this is, this is not, this is part of the tips, but I think when people focus too much on being interesting versus being interested, I think it's really important to be interested versus always try to be so interesting because everybody loves to feel like what they say matter, what they're important. And if you can make people feel that way by being interested in what they're saying, I think it levels up the entire experience. Again, I agree. So those are my tips of the day for better strategies for communicating better. Try them out. Maybe you're doing them already, and if you're not, and or you're doing most of them, you know, add them in and just be cognizant of how you're doing it.

And let me know how it's going. Always leave a comment. I, I keep on forgetting. I'm so bad at this. But guys, please, if you can remember, please leave a comment. I love interaction. That's how I learn what you guys like, what you guys don't like, what you want more of. So please leave me messages, comments, right? Wherever you normally do on a podcast. And with that note, I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.