Transcript of Janelle Monáe: We Should Thank Our Exes (FBF)

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Janel Monet, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

Thank you so much for having me.

First of all, I'm just so excited to meet you. I'm a huge fan of all your work. I was listening to your music on my way here, and I'm like, Okay, you are giving sexual, sensual, fun, party vibe. It gives all the vibes. Your album is amazing. I'm so happy to have you here.

Oh, thank Thank you so much for having me, Alex. Of course. I'm a big fan of your show, of your experience, rather. So I was really happy when I found out we were going to do this. So thank you. Thank you.

Okay, tell me how your summer is going. You were on vacation. Where were you? Let us pretend we were there with you.

Oh, please. I'm like, Can we all just go on vacation for the whole summer? Come on, everybody. Everybody, let's do this. Let's all agree that summers are for vacations paid for by the government.

I love this energy.

Paid for by the government.

We're going to manifest it here now because it's like, when you were younger, I feel like summers were always vacation because off of school. But when you become an adult, nothing is fun anymore. We're like, We need to go on vacation. Okay, so where were you?

Okay, so I was in Abiza, Abiza, Spain. And then I stayed there for probably five or six days, which was an experience. It is a party place, so we did not go to sleep. I went with 10 of my other friends, and we didn't go to sleep till seven in the morning every morning. I can't even say night. But it was so fun. It was that. That uch uch music. I like uch uch, but I need some hip hop, some something mixed in with it. But it was so fun. The sunsets are beautiful. And then the second portion of the vacay was Jamaica. I've never been. Ocho Rios. Beautiful people. The food, the chicken patties, the beef patties, the shrimp curry. Oh, the plantains. I had at least 152 plantains. What? One by one. Oh. Yeah.

As you were saying that, I'm like, oh, I feel like I'm there with you.

It was heaven. So I will say I'm mentally still there. It's okay.

We can keep it chill. We're on vacation. This is summer. We're just going to relax today, okay?

Let's relax. And it's so interesting that you say as kids growing up, it just reminded me, I didn't take vacations as a kid. Okay. I think that's why I'm So I'm so adamant about it now. My parents worked a lot, and we didn't get the opportunity to go outside of Kansas. So I didn't take my first vacation until really my first album came out.

And And you're like, I deserve this.

I'm making up for lost time.

As you should. That's phenomenal. I feel like when I go on trips with my friends, there's someone in the friend group that's the planner, that's the reservations and the itinerary person. And then there's people that are chill and just going with the flow. Who are you in the friend group?

Oh, my God. I'm the one actually sending out the group text. I could be at the club. It could be four in the morning. I'm like, Lunch is going to be served at 2:00 PM breakfast for anybody between 9:00 and noon. Dinner is going to be at 8:00. I love making the itineraries. I'm that friend.

You're the dream, though.

People are like, Janel, why are you doing? And I just, I don't No, I just love curating experiences. I grew up actually throwing parties with my best friends, middle school. Sixth grade, seventh grade, we would rent out this location in one of our friends neighborhood, this little white building, and we would charge people a dollar to get in. And I would hide in the bathroom because I didn't know who was going to come. I had so much anxiety around it. And then once it would get packed, my friends would to come underneath the stall because I locked myself in the bathroom. They'd be like, It's packed. Come out, come out, bitch. Get out, get out, get out. And so I just always love curating experiences for people.

I mean, I think that's a great trait and quality to have. I feel like that makes a lot of sense of what I wanted to talk to you about today is obviously your new album, The Age of Pleasure, is out. While I was listening to it, I'm like, You have such a specific, great vibe that's very infectious, which I of. And I'm curious, are you currently in your age of pleasure? Have you always been? And what is age of pleasure to you?

That's a great question. I wasn't always in my age of pleasure. I've been in age of fear, age of anxiety, age of just worry, a fight, fighting back against systems that seek to oppressed folks like myself and the people that I love and centering that. And with this album, which I actually don't even call an album, I say that it is a soundtrack to a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. We live this. I wrote this project for my friends and for me, and I was just like, If we fuck with it, that's all I care about. So I would throw parties at my house with my friends who own this party collective called Everyday People. And if I knew we were going to be having and hosting them on a Saturday, that Monday or Tuesday, we would go into the studio and we would write 2-3 songs that would work in the DJ's playlist. I wouldn't tell anybody it was me. I would not make a big thing about it, and I would be very nervous. Like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Are people going to sit down? Because if people sat down, it was not going to go on the album.

If people were not Shazaming, it I wasn't going on the album. And so every song that you hear, all of my friends, all of the people who were with us celebrating in this safe space, they are responsible for the songs making the album.

That takes a lot of confidence, but also just self-awareness to be like, I'm going to play my friends my songs. They're going to have no fucking idea. It's me. And watch, let's see if they vibe with it. Because I was thinking, when I was listening to champagne shit, I was like, okay, this is a vibe. I would listen to this getting ready with my friends, getting ready to go out. But then I'm wondering, so you're sitting there being like, do they like it? Do they like it? And then you're like, check that's going on the soundtrack.

Yeah. I'm How did people move? Okay, I saw some people Shazaming. And then some people be like, wait, is this... But I never would confirm. I would go hide and be like, having somebody else tell me what's going on. But yeah, as an An artist presenting anything before the world gets it for that first time, I talked to a lot of my artist friends, and we're all like, it is one of the most scary things ever, scary feelings to have because it comes from such a pure place when we create and for it not to be accepted, you take it. But for me, I was like, I'm ready. I'm okay. I had to heal some shit because some of that is attached to just rejection. It issues, abandonment issues. People don't like my stuff that could go down to the root of an issue that you just need to fix. And I definitely used a portion of this pandemic to work on that and to get to my own traumas that I had to heal and to get to a place where I was like, wait, I've been really centering, fighting so much that I don't even know what my life is like outside of that.

Who am I? I Who am I outside of the fight? Who am I? And so I had to sit with myself and ask myself. And when I think about the word pleasure, there is no pleasure without feeling safe. I didn't always feel safe.

I appreciate you sharing that because I, one, can relate in terms of putting something creatively out there and being extremely nervous to see, obviously, are people going to like it? On top of that, obviously, you infusing parts of you with your sexuality and race and growing up and your experiences. That's a really vulnerable moment to be infusing something into a work of art and then, fingers crossed, hoping people like it, you have to slowly be really good with yourself to be able to know, sure, I can perfect my craft a little bit more, but down to the core, if people don't like it, I'm still going to be okay with myself. And that must take time, though.

Exactly. It does. It takes a lot of unlearning. It takes a lot of fucking with yourself. And I have to say, you have to be like, I fuck with me. Yeah, okay. Somebody doesn't like a song that I made, but that doesn't make me a bad songwriter. That doesn't make me a bad artist. That doesn't mean that I should just throw away my whole career. You have to just understand that sometimes we're not always in the same space that we can take in the message or the energy that an artist is trying to put out. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just like, okay, this didn't resonate with you. Okay, but I don't give you that power over me. You're not more powerful. Your thoughts about my art are not more powerful than my thoughts about my art.

Yeah. It's so real what you're saying, too, because even when I was listening to you say, I was fighting for so much of my life, and when am I going to get out of this stage? That's also the beauty of art is it will come to it when you're ready. Your music would have sounded so different in your fighting stages, versus now when you're like, I fucking love myself. I'm more clear on who I am. I'm more secure in certain things that were eating me alive, maybe when I was younger and going through it. And you can tell this album, it makes you smile. It makes you feel yourself. It makes you just want to live. And I don't know if that sounds corny, but it's fact. No, it's really beautiful.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

Every moment of your soundtrack felt very thoughtful and put together. And it is a story. So I'm a creative person. So I just want you to know I really respect you. And it's great.

Thank you. I wanted to focus on feeling, too. I think feeling is what music gives us. It makes It makes us feel. It makes us want to dance. It makes us want to party. It makes us want to cry. It makes us want to feel ourselves and feel sexy, have sex. All those things is such a powerful energy. And the fact that it's a feeling that I had that I felt like, Man, this makes me feel good knowing that that makes you feel, and we are just meeting each other, I think that's such a beautiful exchange. So thank you so much. Of course.

It's interesting. You mentioned this earlier, and I want to talk I know you've talked about going to therapy and working on yourself, and I know you're at a great place in your life and the age of pleasure. But let's go back a little bit. What is the biggest part of yourself you had to heal in order to be who you are sitting here today?

Oh, wow. One of the things that I had to do was, again, deal with my rejection and abandonment trauma. Where did that start from? My dad and I, who we're this now, we're super close, but my dad struggled with addiction growing up, and so he was in and out of my life. And so there were just times where I didn't know if he was really going to come and pick me up. The trust wasn't there. I felt let down. There were moments that That happened all the way up until high school and other things that happened. So I had to go back to those times that were painful, those times that I just had to forgive my dad. I was like, I have to forgive you. You were struggling with drug addiction. You were not the best version of yourself. And now that you are, we get to make up for that. We get to make up for that time. And as I healed that and I talked to him about it, a lot changed for me. As I forgave him, I forgave my own self for For spending so many years in that dark space and connecting that to my art.

If I thought that I had done something wrong, why wasn't he showing up for me? And so when you go in the back of your head or thinking that you're doing something wrong, that your own dad isn't around, if in your art, you feel like people are not liking what it is that you're doing, or they're judging you or whatever, it's intertwined. The feeling of them leaving you, like your dad left you. You never want to feel that. And so I had to get to a place where I understood what that was, and I had to let go, and I had to be okay with knowing that there's nothing wrong with me if folks don't want to come to my party. Even me hiding in the bathroom, they didn't want to come to my party. Okay, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. It wasn't nothing wrong with me while my dad wasn't around. He was struggling. He was battling. And people are battling so many things. People are into different things that perhaps what you're doing doesn't necessarily align with it, or they just plain might not like it. And that's okay. But do you like you.

I think it's so interesting when you start to connect to your childhood and how your parents raised you and what trauma did you go through. When you don't deal with it, there's just this anger in you, or there's this resentment, and there's just a part of you, even if you don't want to label that, there's just something in you that you feel like you haven't resolved. And a lot of times, we don't have the perspective of kids of like, oh, this wasn't intentional that my dad was doing this to neglect me and make me feel abandoned, but it happened. And so two things can be true, right? He wasn't trying to inflict pain on you. He was going through something, but it affected you. But it did. And until you go through all of that, it's going to influence the way that you move in life.

That you see life. Yeah.

But even you saying it's interesting, it affected your art. I'm interested to know, how did it affect your personal relationships with this theme of abandonment within you?

It affected them for sure. Yeah. It was just Trust Issues. Breakups were intense because it just mirrored that. But now, there were moments where I was dating someone and we broke up, and I just was like, I will never talk to this person again. The way they made me feel, I will never talk to them again. And after I started to go through therapy, and I have an emotional support coach that I talk to, which, by the way, we're benefiting from therapy. I just really wish that it was free for every person around the world. I really, really, really do wish that there was a fund that everybody Everybody could access to where they could have therapy, they could have somebody to talk to and work through. I do believe that we will be in a much better shape as a community, as a nation, as a world. So I just wanted to say that because I feel like, damn, I wish everybody could experience these things. So I was like, I will never talk this person again. And after I went through understanding and getting to the root of my rejection abandonment, trauma You know what I did?

I thanked the person who I was in a relationship with, and it did not work out for us. I thanked them. I said, You know what? My emotional support coach said that I was going to do that. It's like, you are going to thank this person because you know what this person did for you? They forced you to deal with something that you were not going to deal with. They pushed you to go back to the root of the problem. You were not going to do it. You were moving. You were too busy moving. You didn't have time. But that relationship, the ending of that specific relationship forced that. And I literally called that person and I thank them I said, Thank you so much. You have no idea. I was really walking around here hurt, and you forced me to... And so they started sharing things with me. They were just like, I just wasn't ready. I was confused myself. I did not trust. It was going so well for us. I'm so used to chaos that I felt like this was not going to end how I wanted it to end. I'm also dealing with rejection issues.

So we just healed through each other. And it helped me in my other relationships. I was like, here are the things that I was doing because of my trauma. When I'm free from that trauma, I'm like a really, really, really beautiful partner to have. And it just It helped me to understand how I want to show up for my future partners.

Isn't that so interesting when you meet people in life that, obviously, again, you needed to work on yourself to be able to have that hindsight and be like, wait, that was so helpful. But most of the time in life, in romantic partnerships, I feel like, specifically, you can get so hurt by them, but that's not your family. So you're like, I can walk away. But you're always going to learn something so incredible. And if you can get past that hurt initially, we really should be thanking all of our exes because it's like, even if you cheated on me, I have partners in the past that I had so much resentment and anger, and I look back and I'm like, there's so much I learned about myself and my resilience and my worth. And it's like, had that not happened, of course, there's moments in life where I wish no harm on anyone. But certain themes that you can take, find the good part of it rather than feeling so negative and angry because that gets us nowhere.

Yeah.

So it's interesting to hear you talk about how you connected with that person at first being like, I'll never talk to you again. Then you're like, wait a second.

Thank you. Thank you. Fucking thank you. And I will say, though, I know it's sometimes with exes, because I also had an ex that was just like, man, I wish I really had this new version of you. When we were dating, I wish that I was around. That was the person you showed me. And I was just like, yeah, I agree. But listen, what do you want me to say? I wasn't ready. I was growing. I needed to grow. I'm sorry.

True. And it's interesting. I remember an ex I had similar to that, but you also wonder, But if I was this new version of myself, we probably wouldn't have been together because you were attracted to me then. We ended up for some reason.

Because we were both toxic as hell. As hell, we both were toxic.

And So you can wish.

Yeah, it wouldn't... I definitely would not. This new version would have not dated that person. I love you. I love you, but there's just no way that I could put myself back into that chaos. Yeah.

And it's like, again, you're both growing. So for him to be even able to see your growth, phenomenal. Love it. Amazing. But we probably needed to go on our own ways to actually get whole and good and feel healthy within ourselves. And maybe that's just not the right fit. But at the time it was. And so we can appreciate each other's growth, but we're not going to grow together.

We grew together. And that's a beautiful thing. I always want the best for people. Even if we're not together, as a human, that also helped contextualize breakups. It's like, even though we're not together, I don't want anything negative to happen to you. I don't want you to... I don't want anything bad to happen to you. As a human, I want the best for you. And if that means that it's not with me at that time or at that season, then so be it.

If someone's listening to this and is like, wow, I really relate to you, maybe they had someone in their life that didn't show up for them and was constantly neglecting to be there and show up. What did actually working through that childhood trauma look like for you? Because I can see some people be like, how do I even begin to repair this? Where do I start?

Like I said, I just wish everybody could afford therapy. But if you can, try to get you a good therapist that you can just talk freely to that can help you, and don't lie to them. Don't lie. Be transparent. Tell the truth. Make sure that they're pushing you. You need to not not be afraid to do the work. It's going to be painful. It's going to be a lot of tears, a lot of crying, a lot of just like, confusion. But just know that you're growing. You know better, right? You're understanding you a lot more. And sometimes that feels confusing to your body, to your cells, because you're literally being rerouted, like the way that your mind is being rewired. So it's going to feel uncomfortable. But just stay the course, because I promise you that if you do the work, you're going to be like, I never thought I would see the day. I literally never thought that I would be this person. It's like I planned, I planned it out, but to live it out and to be living what I dreamt about doing and the freedom in which I move. Because it's not that you're not going to deal with issues and problems and things like that.

But the way that I'm so solid with myself now, I didn't know. I was free, but there are levels to it. There are levels to it. So just stay the course and you'll reach the next level.

I love that advice because even hearing you talk, it's like, we all reach a point in life when we haven't dealt with our shit, where it just starts coming up more and more. Relationships are failing. Friendships are having issues. There's things at work. It just starts to creep up. And those are usually the moments where in a good way, you cannot deny you need to address it. And I love that you said it's so fucking uncomfortable, but you got to do the work because then you won't be uncomfortable. But you're going against something that you literally have been living this way your whole life. So you're going against the grain.

You're going against yourself. Your future self is fighting your past version, old version of yourself. It's like Looper in a sense, but different. Right. Anyway.

You mentioned now that you have a good relationship with your father. And I can imagine there are people really relating to you today also of like, how did you know it was time for that you were going to be able to forgive and have an actual relationship with your dad?

I wanted it. You got to want it, too. Sometimes you're just like, I don't really want a relationship just because you birth or helped bring me into this world. As a person, you can be like, I don't really want this. And that's totally fine. I think I wanted it because my dad is cool. My dad also had a music career, but drugs got in the way of that. And so me and him can talk music. He understands all my favorite artists or his favorite artist. When I put out Lipstick Lover, all of the art that I'm doing, my dad supports it. He's like, I want you to know as your dad, I think what you're doing is brave, is sick as fuck. I love you. I want you to know I got your back. As a Black man living in this country, I'm supporting you, my queer, non-binary, artistic daughter. I'm here for you. And I knew he always had that... That's where I get... Both my parents are like, shows. They could each have their own TV show. And people, they would not care about me. They'd be like, your mom and your dad, they're not together because they're very much so alike in many ways.

They're super flamboyant and their personalities can take up a room, but good, sweet people. So with my dad, I always knew that when it was time to take risks, that was going to be the person that was going to affirm me. And I wanted that, and I needed that. And also for him, I wanted to give him another opportunity, being sober, to know me, to know me. I think that for both of us, we needed that. I needed to have the support of my dad, and I felt like for him to have been... Because he had also gone to prison. So he had been locked away for years, and I I was like, I want him to come out sober and to know what it's like to receive love from me. Was that- Not guilt.

How old were you when your dad went to prison?

I'm timeless. So Yeah.

It doesn't matter. I was there. I was alive at some point.

Yeah, I know. No, but it was on and off. Middle school, elementary school, high school. Always.

You're so successful in so many different areas. You're an author, you're an actor, you're a singer. It's insane how talented you are. And I'm thinking, again, it's always like, we never know what someone goes through. You rising to Fame, having your father, having these struggles, were you ever just... Was he still struggling when you first came up and started to get paid?

Yeah. Well, no, that's when he got clean. So that was great. That was good. I needed that right at that time.

Because I was going to say, damn, everyone probably seeing you in the tablet and everything, having all this success, and yet you want to repair a relationship with your father because there's nothing everyone can When you do something so good at work or at school, you want to call your parents because you know there's no one that's going to be more proud of you. And so I appreciate you sharing that a little bit because it's like, yes, you have all this success, and But family, and again, when I say family, I always make sure to clarify, I don't care if they're blood. You don't have to be with people that abuse you or whatever, whatever you consider who your family is, to be able to repair relationships if you want it. It is It's beautiful because you get to share your life with people that love you and support you, and there's no jealousy. It's just like, we fucking love you. Like your mom outside the talent shows being like, That's my baby.

Mom, stop. Mom.

No, it's really cute. You are very private about your dating life.

Yeah.

How have you decided to make that decision in this crazy Hollywood world that we live in?

I just did. I was like, Hmm. I was watching, observing. I was like, You know, the people that actually are more private seem more happy to me. They just seem more happy because it's like, you don't have to worry about anybody seeing your partner over here and been like, oh, they assume that if you're not with them and they're seeing with somebody else that you broke up, and now you got to go answer that question. You have to go do that. And perhaps maybe later on in life, I'll open up a little more. But for now, I love having... And it really is for the protection of them. I don't want them to... Because I can handle paparazzi or whatever. It's annoying sometimes. Sometimes it's fun. I love messing with them, whatever. But I never want anybody that I'm dating to ever feel pressure because they didn't ask for it. They didn't ask for it. So I just like to keep peace and harmony and no expectation from the public to know our every move.

I think that's really healthy. And I think in a weird way, I do always talk about on my show now, I feel like people now more than ever can relate to a lack of privacy, even if you have 500 followers. We have accessibility now to post as much as we want. And I think there are people that feel society title pressure to post my partner with me because there's almost like social currency that comes with being this it couple and having it, whether you're in college or high school. This is everywhere now where people are feeling pressured to prove something on the Internet. And when you can actually step back from it, I'm not saying don't post on the Internet, but try to find a balance within yourself. Why are you actually doing this? Why are you doing certain things? Is it just to get the photo to prove something to people? It's not as healthy. Live some type of privacy is really good for yourself because then you can also be with yourself. Like, do I like this person? Or do I like how I'm doing this? Or do I even want to do this?

You have to make sure you're not just doing it for the grand.

Yeah. No, seriously. I think because it's the norm to people to be like, well, you must post your kids and who you're dating. It's like that's the norm these days. Definitely, I don't feel like anybody should feel pressure. And I think that if you are in a relationship where they're like, if you don't post me, we're done. We were just talking about this when we were on vacay, and there was a question like, would you be upset if your partner did not post you on social media? And there were a lot of mixed questions, I mean, answers, but I was just like, we have to talk about that first and foremost. And if we agree that we want to keep things private, then no. But also, if my love is defined by a post, you don't post me enough on social media. I really need to understand my own damn priorities in life. Is that really necessary It's very scary for me? So I just think it's... For me, it's not. I do think people should have conversations around it prior so that there are no expectations. Because it could hurt somebody's feelings, too, though, if they feel like you're trying to hide them.

But that's deeper. That's like, you all need to really... You all need to really work through some things. Work through that. Yeah.

No, that's true, because I'm thinking about it. I feel like there are some people that also now, because social media has been very prevalent for the past, I guess, 10 something years. People may have been in relationships where someone was extremely adamant about posting them, and they almost found, when we're good, he posts me. When we're not, he doesn't post me. So when you go to your next relationship, I bet there are some people that have lingering feelings about, well, why aren't you posting me? And someone could literally be like, because I don't think we need to. I love you. We're sitting here together. Isn't this better than us taking a selfie? So also check in with yourself of, are you comparing yourself to your friends or your past relationships, get on the same page as your current partner. Yes. They may not be being shady at all. They're actually like, no, I fucking love you, and I don't feel like we need to- Or I want to protect you from all of the scrutiny or just things.

That online world, it's its own matrix. And it's tough. It's wild.

What are you like in a relationship? Are you romantic? Are you dominant? What's the vibe over there.

That was also we played this game called... Oh, God. I got to get the name of it. Actually, it's a black guy who made the game, our game. So it's not a lot of us in that space. So I really, really have to get the name of it. Oh, my God. Anyway, one of the cards said- I can link it in the description.

If you have your team send it, I'll put it. You're so sweet. I got it.

How sweet of you? I got it, of course. Okay. But one of the questions was, what would your ex say about you? And we were just like, everybody was like, oh, wow, that's a good one. I feel like now I am... Let me think. I mean, because you know it's like... And so the question made me be like, well, this is what I think about myself, but what if that isn't what they thought about me? Like, okay, of course, I'm going to say glowing reviews about me or maybe a couple of things that I need to work on, but it could have been some other things. So for me, if I was being honest in a relationship, I mean, I think I used to be a very hard to know if I really loved them person. It was hard to get to my heart because I had just been hurt and I hadn't really, again, dealt with that trauma of what it would feel like if somebody leaving me. I never wanted anybody to leave me. And If they did, I didn't want them to ever feel like I really loved you. Because if I really told you that I really loved you and we still didn't work, then like, wow, what a stab in the heart, right?

But now, having gone to this new space, I'm a big communicator. I believe in evolution, even in your partnerships. And even if you started out one way, I'm always open to us growing. And I want to make sure that as we grow individually and as together... I've also been in polyamorous relationships as well, and I know what it's like to be with multiple partners. So it's very important that we're communicating in real-time about our feelings. And if things are coming up, if one person feels like, Okay, I'm having feelings of jealousy, or I need some more time with both of you, or how do we... If we need to work on some things, I like to know that. And I always welcome feedback. I'm that type of person. I don't ever want to be in a relationship where I'm thinking we're good and we're not.

Yeah, like you're wondering.

Just let me know. Because I could probably adjust. We could adjust. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding or perhaps like, oh, maybe you thought you knew me or you knew how... You don't know how much I love you. I need to be more expressive in those things. And so I think I'm averse. I love it. So I can be dominant, sub. I'm not buying binary as well, so I can go with the flow about things. I love it. Meaning, I don't just consider myself to be boxed in as this type of partner. Sometimes you need me to be more like water. Okay. I need to be more I'm like, water. You need me to be more like a rock for us? Okay. I'll be more like a rock for us.

How did you know? Was there a conversation, or did you just know the moment when you first had your first polyamorous relationship? How did you know that you were comfortable with that dynamic?

Well, I was already in a relationship, and the person who was attracted to me was also attracted to my partner. And so they made it very clear, and we just made it work. Okay.

Would you continue to have those types of relationships again? Are you still interested in that, or has anything changed?

Sure. I'm open to love. I think I love going to weddings, and there are certain traditions that I love. And congratulations. I know you're engaged. Thank you. So I honor love. And I think, though, love comes in different variations. And that is what I love about polyamory is it just shows us, just in the same way, I don't have just one best friend. I have multiple best friends, and I love you all. We love each other, and we can all hang out. I don't just love one parent. I don't just love one aunt. I love all of you. And in relationships, I think intimate relationships, partnerships, I think that if we can talk about what we need and what works for all of us. And I'll tell you, it takes a lot of unlearning because we're conditioned, especially in this society, that this is what a union looks like. This is what It's two people in a relationship. It's like you're fighting against, or not fighting against, but you're constantly having to unlear the traditional way of what love looks like. And so I love to, by being my authentic self and us being our authentic selves, challenge that notion.

Yeah.

I love that because what is very frustrating, and I love having conversations like this on my show, because you're right, we were all raised with something that was like, this is the norm. And it's like, I'm so happy, finally. I mean, there's still so much work to be done. But even with sexuality and fluidity, it's just like, It's very frustrating, I think, for people that see it so clearly, let everyone do what they want to do. And then people that are still so stuck in the way that they want things to have been done for thousands of years prior. When you speak about polyamory, I can imagine there are people that are so judgmental of even that word. How do you even do that? And it's so small-minded. And it's also like half the people that are saying that are speaking from a place of insecurity because I've seen people do it and be like, Isn't he cheating on his wife? And there's so much judgment when something really frustrates someone. I always believe there's something internally that is getting you going because why do you care so much? But how did you, I'm assuming at some point you have dealt with judgment.

And to anyone listening that's also maybe going against the norm, which fuck the norm, let's just make everything normal. How did you deal with that?

Yeah, always. People are intrigued. I think all sorts of things, but I think education is important. I mean, we have the Internet. People can look things up. And my close friends are super supportive. Certain family members have been like, But for the most part, my circle of people that I have around have been supportive, even if they have questions and they wonder like, okay, all right. Because also people are trying to figure out, well, is that what I need or what We need her because I definitely been cheating on my significant other for a very long time. But what if, after all, we just needed a third? We needed somebody else that loved us, and we loved them to be a part of our union. People are trying, and people are scared. I understand that, too. Some people are scared to go against tradition, and some people come from conservative environments. I came from a conservative Baptist background where I was taught to fear everything. Even getting into the music industry, I was taught to just fear, don't be like this artist, or don't be like that, or it was just It's been a lot of unlearning, and I get that.

And I think, though, for me, I have to know that this is my life here on Earth. I wasn't put here to follow every rule. I was put here to help rewrite them. Yeah.

I really appreciate you talking about that because it's just such a prevalent topic that still is... Again, we have so much movement that we need to keep doing, but I think having conversations like this help. I'm curious to know, how did you decide, obviously being a public figure, to speak openly about your sexuality?

How did I decide? It decided for me because my art is a direct reflection of who I am. I have Metropolis, which is my first ERP. I have a lot of independent work I put out before that. And then I did the ArchAndroid, my first full-length album, Sweet. Then I did The Electric Lady, Dirty Computer, and all the now to the age of Pleasure. And all those projects that have come out, I discovered that... I mean, I knew when I was a child that I was attracted to not just boys, but to women and to energies. I knew that. And because of my conservative Baptist upbringing, it wasn't welcomed. I suppressed my sexuality. I suppressed my sensuality. I suppressed so much of me because I didn't feel safe. And so once I got to a place where, okay, I know for sure, for sure that I am attracted to these energies, I'm going to honor that. And with each project, you can hear me and feel me getting more brave. I created the Android Cindy Mayweather, who is representative of, in my work, who is representative of the other, the queer person, the Black person, the non-binary person, trans, all of us who are pushed to the margins of society.

And so I use that as a form of coping, a coping mechanism, until I was brave enough to actually say it. And I think I was always dropping getting hints, and I was getting more brave and less afraid. And then finally, because also I was in a relationship in what some would say. It was a lot of things. Like understanding polyamory was something that I wanted to explore. Well, if you're already in a relationship, you have to go have conversations with that person's family. Well, what does that mean for you guys? So I could not talk publicly about certain things because they impacted my real everyday life. You know what I'm saying? When I got off the stage, I would also have to go see these communities that I was a part of. And if they heard about it through any other thing outside of me saying it, then what does that mean? And I just wasn't ready to have those sorts of conversations. And so I guess to answer your question, I just got brave over time. And once, I also I also felt like I had community because the albums and the art and music, what it also does is it signals like, Hey, I'm out here.

I'm out here. And then you meet people who come to your shows and you meet other artists and people, other humans who are like, Oh, I identify with that, or I fuck with that. And then we become friends, and you have a community now that supports you, that sees you, that even if your family you were born into doesn't support you or see you, you have support. And so once I I felt supported and I felt safe enough, that's when I started to become even more brave, and I started to be courageous in the way that I started to live my life. And I think right now, what I am doing, I've done this privately, is that I'm honoring all of me. I'm not closing off my sensuality anymore. I'm not closing off my sexuality, my polyamory. You listen to Only Have Eyes 42. That's honoring that union. If you're listening to Hot From the Age of Pleasure, or Champagne Shit, or even Float. I'm feeling much lighter now. I float. I had to let some things go to get to this place, and fear of not being accepted was one of them. And once I got over that hump, everything started to change for me.

Community, when you were saying that, I hope everyone listening, if you're sitting listening to this or watching this in your room and you haven't been able to fully embrace your sexuality, whether it's people around you, you're afraid how they're going to accept you. There are so many people out there that will love you and are so having the same feelings as you. Just don't limit yourself to just the people that you've been assigned as family to you. Absolutely.

It gets better. It does. Yeah. As you start walking whenever you're ready, don't feel pressure, too. Because there were moments where I felt the pressure to talk. Like, interviewers, they would just speculate based on my appearance because I was wearing a suit. They were like, you're a lesbian. That's what I would get. You're a lesbian. So inappropriate. And as I was trying to discover who I was, and I didn't identify with being a lesbian, and I had lesbian friends. I love my lesbian family. But people would say certain things and try to force me to out what I was. Well, if you're not a lesbian, then what are you? And so I wasn't ready. So Don't also feel pressured to talk about your sexuality. It is a private. It can be as private or as public as you want it to be. For me, it was seeping out into my art so much that I'm Yeah. Here we go. This is me. This is who I am. And I wanted to also free a lot of people who were in their rooms, who could be in their rooms right now listening. You have family, you have a church, even outside of the church that you went to, if they just own you, there is a big church around the world with people who will affirm you, people who are like you.

Your identity is not new. It's been happening We're here. We're showing up for each other. And I love you. I love you.

When I was researching, I read somewhere you don't refer to opening up to others about your sexuality as coming out, but rather coming in. Can you explain that?

I didn't actually come up with that terminology of coming in. I just thought it resonated with me more. A guy by the name of John, I forgot his last name, but I heard him say it, and he's a queer Black man. And I heard him and I was like, that's exactly what it is. It is bringing people, bringing people into our worlds. I'm letting you in on who I am versus you guys are the norm and I'm just like, Hi, I'm out here. No, I'm letting you in to my world, which is sacred, which should be respected and appreciated, most certainly not apologetic about I love that.

You're so right, because it's like, I'm letting you in on who I am. You don't deserve me. I don't have to come out to you. I don't owe you anything. Exactly. When I feel comfortable, I'll let you in.

Like, Come clean. Yeah. Come out of the closet. Yeah. I'm sorry. I've been here. You just must not have seen me. Or not even you must not have seen me. You must think that you and your... Or you know what? Let's not even talk about that. I was going to go down a whole stream. No, no.

I could, too. How about this? Do you have a mantra you come back to when it comes to people who actively do not agree with the way that you live?

Yeah, I do. I have so much. I wish I had my phone with me. But I think it comes down to power. I think when you give your power up to folks, people's opinions have more power over you than how you feel about you. That's, I think, where things take that turn, where the depression sets in, where the constant need for approval comes in. And I think I'm a powerful ass motherfucker, really. Just as you are powerful. We're all powerful, right? We all hold gifts that we have. And I think that, again, how I think about myself has to be more powerful than someone who is trying to take me down through their negativity, who is trying to oppressed me through their fear. My power and my love for myself is greater than that.

Mic drop. Mic drop. What is something when it comes to dating and love that you know now that you wish you knew when you were younger?

Sheesh, man. I would say I wish I had discovered vibrators a long time ago. Honestly, it's so fun to experience that with your partner. It's phenomenal. It's so great. It's like, what? Going to the sex shop? I remember when I first went see Again, when you come from those conservative backgrounds, a sex shop, I was full sunglasses on like, Do not have me in here. Oh, my God. What am I... Oh, my God. Please, nobody take photos of me. I did not No. I did not know the world of vibrators. I did not know the clitoral stimulation that you and your the fun you all can have with one. It doesn't necessarily have to be penetration. It's life-changing. Right? How about you?

I remember I didn't have one, and my friend bought me one for my birthday in college. And I remember the first time I tried something with the back of my electric toothbrush.

And I was like- I ain't going to front. No. The electric toothbrushes. If you forget, just go buy you a brand new one. It slaps. It's gotten me through. It's gotten me through.

It is a lifesaver. And so I felt the same way, though. My friend got me my first one, and then I was like, oh, my God. I never have to have sex again. This is amazing. It just allowed me to recognize that I hold the power of my own orgasm, and I don't need someone else to make me feel amazing. I can do it myself because being taught, we grow up and it's just like, the men will do this for you. And I'm like, why am I going to wait for a motherfucker to give me an orgasm?

Like, this is amazing.

Exactamundo. Don't wait for a man or anyone to give you. You can do it yourself. So I remember I felt the same way in New York. I remember the first sex shop I went to with my friend. I was not famous, but I was mortified just being like, I just can't make eye contact. And I think that just comes from shame of we're not normalizing, exploring your sexuality and enjoying, especially as women, enjoying sex, loving sex, being connected with your body. And I think it's so important that we start to have those conversations at younger ages, obviously in a safe way. But especially for young girls, you just start to feel shame and you're doing something wrong. And that's why so many women, I truly believe, we have such a hard time in the beginning, figuring out what works for us and knowing how to get off, because it was basically like, don't touch yourself. You're a whore, you're a slut.

And it's like, What? Or you're a deviant, or touching yourself? Gross. If it was not, you go get a boyfriend, and you all... Wait, but don't have sex, actually, until you're married. So go marry to have sex. I have cousins who actually married women just to have sex because they were just like, God won't. It's a lie. It's a lie. I will always just say my heart goes out to those of us who have clitoruses. And not just those of us who are with clitorus, even for those of us who have penis this is or whatever it is, the pleasure that we can give ourselves, like how that was stripped away from us. I just hope that we can reconnect again with our bodies and reclaim our bodies. That's the space that I'm in. I am reclaiming my sensuality, my sexuality, my pleasure unapologetically. I'm not apologizing for talking about it, for taking time to myself to make up for lost times. I think I could have avoided a lot of just even sexual interactions with people who I didn't really like, but I just was like, well, this is the only way that I can feel less shame about sex is if I do it with this person.

But that leads to so much confusion sometimes if you don't really, really, really like this person, and they don't really, really like you. It's a whole thing. And so I think you actually avoid... You have less stress when you take matters into your own hands, literally. Absolutely.

Okay. Everyone listening today, we are entering our era of the art of pleasure. Okay, we're taking it into our own hands. Yes, we are. I know we've been essentially Actually talking about this whole episode because we're talking about pleasure and finding our own voices to find that pleasure. But what has been the most rewarding part of making this soundtrack for you?

Yeah. I mean, just like we're talking about it's a soundtrack to a lifestyle. And I think so many people that I'm hearing, that's why I can't wait to go on tour. I'm on tour. Our first show is in Seattle the end of August. We're on tour, so get your tickets. We have a little bit more available, but they're selling out right now. And I'll be on tour in North America through October 21st, the Age of Pleasure tour. And so to see how people are making this their album, owning it, and with their friends, I see them just certain songs. They're like, oh, my God, you're speaking to my heart. I needed to hear float. I needed to give myself permission to let things go and to go into a stage of what hot is talking about. I look good. I look sexy. I look handsome. Non-binary folks are feeling seen. Trans folks are being seen. The community in which I intended for it to be, and even outside of that, I think that you don't necessarily have to be a part of my community to vibe with it. I think that what it just represents is even in the midst of chaos, you got to find your pleasure.

Pleasure. You have to make time for yourself. And I actually brought you something.

What? Oh, my God.

My official age of pleasure shirt. I cut mine.

I was going to say it's so cute. No, it's so cute. You know I'm going to do this. It's so cute. I wanted to bring you.

This is so sweet. A shirt. And if you need another side.

No, this is so good.

I'll give you another one.

No, I'm Can I cut it like you? Yeah, cut it like me. I'm just copying you. But I've been staring at it and it's such a... It's yours.

Thank you. I adore you.

It's so dope.

I wanted to bring you a hand.

This is so good.

A handwritten autographer, that's what I meant to say. I autograv to me. That's what I meant to say. I autograv to you a copy of my book that I released in 2021 called The Memory to the Librarian. Thank you so much. The Other Stories of Dirty Confusions. And yes.

This is bringing the gifts. And girl, I know you just got back from vacation.

I did.

You're getting us in our feels. We're all ready to go have sex with ourselves.

Come on.

We got a book, we got a shirt. Come on. Okay, to anyone that is like, you got to tell us what is, if you have to pick, what is your favorite song on the soundtrack?

Oh, shoot. Wow.

Everyone's going to go listen to this It's so...

Okay. It varies because all of them, man... I mean, I heard you say it, but it's not a long album. I usually put out, excuse me, double albums. And with this one, I wanted you to want to replay it over and over and over again. Excuse me, I didn't want it to be too long because this one was just on President Barack Obama's Song of Summer, Only Have Eyes, 42. For Two. So listen to that one. Love it. I mean, but I love every last song on this project. I'm having a hard time figuring out what songs we're going to play on tour. I think I might have to just play all of them. I don't know. But because I love... I also thought about them from a live perspective and just how fun it's going to be to perform Shampagne Shit. It's going to be insane. And I don't know. What songs were you vibing to? What are some of your favorites?

I said Shampagne Shit. Is it It's called Phenomenal? I really like that one.

Featuring Doche. Yeah.

It's a vibe where... I don't know. I really like that one. But again, it feels like it's a story that's being told, and it's almost like an anthem vibe where you're just vibing the whole time. So I agree. I guess I couldn't pick one, too, because you almost have to listen to it all together. All together, yeah. Start to finish, you feel it.

Because the dry red is good. The last song I love. When I was writing this album, I wrote it with friends. I got to give a shout out to Nate Rocket Wonder, to Bueno, to Nana Covina, and also the features. Some of my favorite things is just to look down and be like, Okay, Grace Jones is literally on this album. Sister Nancy, who is like, Bum Bum, we can't go anywhere at a party without hearing her Jamaican influence. Patra, her Jamaican influence. When I think about Nia Long, who is an incredible actress, coming and being a part of it, Amare, Dochi. Who else? Fela, Kuti Sun, Sheun Kuti. Lots of horns on this project. Cks on this project. I don't know. It's just such a beautiful love letter to the diaspora and to music that, again, has gotten us through. A lot of the influences come from a lot of my friends who are from Nigeria at our parties, Ghana, South Africa, LA, New York, Atlanta, all of us coming together and feeling safe, safe enough to explore, safe enough to be.

Janel, I can't thank you enough for coming and call her Daddy. This was truly such a pleasure. I'm so happy I got to sit in the same room with you and feel your energy. Thank you.

Thank You are fantastic, Alex. Thank you so much for having me and all the beautiful work you do. I don't really love doing lots of interviews, but you have a very great way of connecting human to human with folks. And I'm sure people tell you that a lot, but I'll just say, I feel your aura and your energy through the screen. And just congratulations on everything. Thank you. You're fantastic. You're lovely. Thank you..