Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Pets

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Tiki Rancher. Oh, my. She's come to your town to clean up all the filth.

Oh, my gosh. I would. You're a sheriff. I am.

Yeah, the original Sheriff. Okay, today is Crazy Pet Stories. And these pets, they say the darndest things, and they do the darndest things, and they take their owners along with them.

Yeah, they do.

They also bite people. Spoiler. Yeah, so I don't know if this deserves a warning or not. Oh, it does. It does. There's some pet death. Oh, sure. That's hard for some people. That's hard. Yeah, but if that doesn't bother you, please enjoy Crazy Pet Stories. All times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My Hello. Hello. Now, is bean an acronym or someone's name?

Everybody calls me bean. That's cute.

I used to call Delta Bean and beans, remember?

Yeah.

Now I'm like, How do we get there?

How do you get there? And then how do these things drop off? Because Yeah, there's been a bunch. Feeny was feeny forever.

For so long. It was Delta to Delta feena, to Fina, to Feeny, to fiends, to beans.

Oh, there we go. We did it.

This started when I was like a baby. Always Jillybean. And then my nieces and nephews all call me Auntie Bean. Even clients call me Bean. That's so cute.

And then we call you Bean.

And now you call me Bean. Exactly.

I love it. Sorry, we're on the topic of my kid, and I just get obsessed. Remember, also, she rejected her name, remember? I remember when she was a baby, she didn't like Delta.

She'd go, No, Delti. That was me. I didn't like my name, and I wanted to change it to Ferdita from the 101 Dalmatians.

Wow, that's a mouthful. That would have been rough for your kindergarten classmates. Ferdita.

I was five, and my mom's like, Okay, when you're 18, you can do that.

Where are you in the country?

I'm in San Diego. I spent a lot of time in LA, though. I lived there for a while. I lived near Abbott Kinney before it was what it is now when it was very seedy.

Back when I was smoking crack in Ghost Town down there? Yeah.

Yeah. They saw you amongst the streets.

You certainly did. And did you grow up in San Diego?

No, I grew up in Orange County, where this story took place.

Okay. Walk us through it.

When I was seven, we moved to Yorbalinda, and it was horse country Yorbalinda. We moved to a house with a barn and a corral. We were like a half a mile from an equestrian center. As a seven-year-old, naturally, I'm like, Hey, guys, we need a horse now.

Beans, it's not that your parents had any equestrian aspirations?

No, this is just a beautiful house. But so it back up to a lake bed. And that Lake bed is where everybody rode their horses, did a lot of dirt bike, BMX stuff. And when I was seven, I asked for a horse. They were like, No, that's not happening. And then fast forward, I made a lot of friends with horses. I had the experience. I was taking care of horses. I was riding them. I was riding them bareback. I was doing it all. Fast forward to, I think I was 10 or 11. Nobody can really know because I think that I already blocked out this information. By the way, my mom also said, We can't get a horse because I'm allergic. But one day they sat me down, they're like, Your mom was watching the Rose Parade, and she saw there's a hypoallergenic breed of a horse called a Bascher Curly, and we bought one. Oh, my gosh. Wow. And so, as you can imagine as an 11-year-old, I'm elated.

I'm having a hard time moving on from she told you you have an allergy. Did you not notice you had allergies when you were around these horses?

I was always fine. I think it was an excuse. We're not getting a horse because I'm allergic.

That's what I'm going for.

Or Munchausen's?

Wow, jumping already to Munchausen's.

I just want to throw that out there.

Hannah Banana. She was a basher curly out of New York, and she's having to take a very long journey across the country. And so my parents are like, She'll be here in a few weeks. So she gets there. She's very young. Young horses are basically puppies. We didn't have a saddle or a bridal or the reins just yet, but Hannah Banana is there. This is not a name I gave her, by the way. This is the name she came with. And I'm like, Dad, I have to get on her. I need to do the first ride. And so he's like, Sure. He knows I'm experienced at this point. I've had years of riding experience. I've ridden bareback a lot. And so he gets some rope, gets some makeshift reins. I jump on her, and I'm in the lake bed, and we start to walk, and she immediately just starts bucking. So I get flown off. All I see is Hannah Banana jumping over me in slow motion. But what happens is that rope get caught around my calf, and I start being dragged. And so next thing you know, little beans being dragged across the dirt.

Oh my God. Probably like 50 yards. All I hear is my mother's piercing scream. And as a mother of two now, I can't even imagine what she was going through at that point. And my dad was also in a state of shock. I'm covered in blood. No. No broken bones.

It's not a sandy bed.

Full dirt and rocks. I'm scraped up beyond belief. So fast forward, that's our intro into Hannah Banana. That was totally our fault. That's not the horse's fault. We were not being responsible. A few days later, we're like, Well, we still have to exercise her and make sure that she's getting up to speed with her new house. And my friend down the street, she had horses, and she's like, well, why don't I come to the equestrian center with you and I'll help lead her and get her some exercise since I still am bruised and I can't really walk much. She's with Hannah, and she's walking her, turns into a jog next to Hannah. Hannah turns around and donkey kicks my friend in the face. No, this is how people die. I literally have this corporate In her memory of her flying.

Oh, my gosh.

She's alive and well, guys. She's a vet now to this day.

And not her first time getting kicked by a horse. I imagine if you're around them all growing up.

I don't think she was ever kicked besides when Hannah kicked her. Ambulance showed up. Parents were involved. The whole city knew about it. Internal bleeding, she was in the hospital, I'm pretty sure, for a week. Home? Yeah, and at a children's hospital. I think she was at Choc, Orange County.

Oh my God. Okay, so Hannah Banana is two for two now. Yeah. Let's see if she gets a third.

This is like one week of having her. Oh, boy. Fast forward, we're getting a trainer. We invested in her. We're going to do whatever we can to keep her and save her. She bucks everybody off in my family. I was bucked off again multiple times. When it was on Christmas Eve. I bruised my tailbone, couldn't walk on Christmas. Another one, my mom was bucked off. She bruised ribs. Another time, my dad got home from riding her. He was bruised. The trainer was like, She spukes very easily. This is hard. But I was also having a lot of fun with her. I was barrel racing at the equestrian center just for fun. I was having a grand old time on Hannah until one night, my dad took her out for a sunset cruise, and she got spuked, and she bucked him off. And when she bucked him off, she started taking off running. And I don't know if she either tripped or if her reins fell down and she tripped, but she fell down and broke her hip.

Oh, my.

Something like that large, like a horse, when that happens, it's catastrophic. And you have to literally put them down. A year and a half after getting Hannah Banana, we actually had to put her down in my backyard.

Now, is it a cowboy put down or you call a vet?

You have to call a vet, and they come with the whole trailer. I didn't even get to say bye. My dad was like, Stay inside. I literally think I blacked out this entire time of my life because even thinking about this story, it was hard to remember the details. I texted my mom, I texted my dad, I texted my sister. They're like, We think it was 1998. It might have been '99. We might have had her for a year and a half. We don't know.

Oh, Hannah Banana.

Hannah Banana, man. Rip. I feel really bad because I'm like, animal rights activists are probably really good.

What do we do? This goes along with the territory of owning horses, right? It does.

You expect to be bucked. You don't expect to be donkey kicked, I wouldn't say, but it can happen.

To be fair, it wasn't like you were like, We're going to put her down because she keeps hurting people. She hurt your dad and then hurt herself.

You were pretty tolerant, actually.

You were extra tolerant.

But I know what you're saying because I live with great shame, although I don't know what I would have done at 10 years old to alter this. But my father had gotten this dog because he had gotten married and he bought a house, finally. It was all happening. It was going to be domestic. He got this Newfound dog, McKeever. You love those types. It's because of McKeever. My dad was an alcoholic and worked all the time, and we were there every other weekend. And this dog just got really... It was so neglected.

What about the wife?

They got divorced. My father's working theory is that the neighbors poisoned him, but he ended up dying a couple of years old outside.

Oh, no.

And I hate it. It's not your fault. I feel like I need to get a Newfound at some point in my life and really spoil the Newfound to make up for the McKeever thing. But to your point, I think about it once a month. I'm like, That poor dog deserved a better horse.

That's sad.

I'm pretty sure my mom has some of her tail hair in a bag.

Was that your last horse? Or did they try it again? Last Of course.

I have ridden since, though, but my daughter got on a few years ago when she was two, and I felt myself having a panic.

Not that many people have said this to me, but people have definitely been concerned when... I taught Lincoln to ride a motorcycle right before her fourth birthday, and people were like, What? I'm like, Y'all, they're way safer than horses. They do at least the exact thing you tell it to do every time. It doesn't have a temper.

Exactly. I feel like we have so much in common. I'm J2C, No.

July.

July. Cancer.

I could tell right away.

87. 87. Monica, you and I.

J2c87.

Also a former gymnast in a tumbler and went to school for PR. Still do it.

Do some flips.

Show us. Prove it.

I actually did a cartwheel the other day at the park with my daughter, and I was like, I felt like cement. That was very cementy. I know.

It hurts now.

Then Dax, I have a very much adrenaline, thrill-seeking husband, all tattooed, loves weight lifting, loves cars, loves Motorcycle. I basically have my own Dax, but his name is Adam.

Adam, well done.

Look at all this crossover.

Yeah, keep it going. Well, lovely meeting you. Yes, nice to meet you. Thanks for telling us that story.

You, too, you guys.

Hannah Banana, rest in peace.

Rest in peace.

All VIP. I hope she and Makeeva are running through a field right now. Oh, that's nice.

They're having a lovely time.

They're in a Budweiser commercial in heaven. All right.

Take care. Bye.

Do you remember one time when we were sitting at the kitchen table and Delta was just doing something so cute. She was so little, probably three or four. And you were like, Who are you? And she said, It's me, Delta Fina.

There's so many ways to use a machine. I know. And one of them would be, I'd love to go back, grab her, and put her and Vinnie in a room together. Let them hash it out.

That would be so cute.

What's your daddy's name? What's your mama's name?

I would go back to hang out with a little delta.

Yeah.

Jill, you're our second Jill in a row.

No. Isn't that weird? That is weird because I feel like you don't ever have Jills.

I agree.

I agree, too.

So this is Semi.

I also I also feel like I could build an entire fantasy about your life based solely on the door behind you, which is a solid wood, beautiful door.

It is a nice door. You know what? It has very similar hardware to your old house.

The old house. In fact, that's exactly what all the doors in our old house look like. Are you in our old house?

I wish. No, I'm not. But we did just do a remodel. I guess now it's been probably about two years, and so new doors in the house.

Fun.

Where are you at, Jill?

I am in Alaska.

No, shit.

I think that's our first, is it?

I'm going to take just a random guess. I haven't looked in a long time. Is the sun coming up around 12: 45 PM? When does it come up?

We're about 9: 30, 10: 00. Starting to come up. Then we get about three hours of daylight-ish.

Monica would not make it.

I would honestly not.

It's dusk, a lot, but it's okay. We're hanging in there right now.

What brought you there? Are you from there or did you move there?

Born and raised. I'm intimidated by you and I'm impressed by you. You're scared of her. Because you could handle something I could never handle.

We travel, so we're lucky in that area. But yes, it is intense sometimes. But then the summertime, we never sleep. It's light all the time, and we just party.

Talk about a bipolar existence.

I know. Wow.

Okay, you have a pet story.

I do. This story took place in October of 2017. I have my notes because I have text stuff that I'm going to read as well as we get going. But back then, we had a dog named Harley. They say you maybe have a dog in your life that is the one dog that no other dog will ever compare to. And she was that dog. She was a mut, so She was part husky, so therefore she just loved to run a lot. Sometimes when it was windy or when she felt like it, I would let her outside to go to the bathroom and she would just take off. I'm like, Oh, here we go. Okay. But she always knew her way home.

Oh, Oh, good.

We live next to a huge park and woods all around, so she would just go gallivant. Sometimes she'd be gone for a day or two and she would come back.

Are there any predators for her there?

Yeah, but she was pretty scrappy and pretty savvy. So if we get bears in the yard, she would fight them off. Wow. She was just a really cool dog. I can't even say enough about her. She was the love of my life. So anyways, this particular day, I let her outside. She took off. I'm like, Oh, okay, here we go again. But we had plans. We were going to lunch. I'm like, She's fine. She'll come back. So we go to lunch. And then as we're wrapping up, I get a phone call. And it's an unknown number. I'm like, That's definitely Harley. Someone picked her up. They call, they say, Hey, we have your dog. I said, Okay, great. This is what I told everyone, not the smartest. But I was like, She knows her way home. If you just leave her, she knows how to get home. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, totally fine. I understand. I will come grab her as soon as we come home. About 30 minutes. Okay, we don't feel comfortable just letting her go, but we'll wait for you. No problem. So as we're leaving the restaurant, I said, Hey, can you please text me your address?

Heading home. I just want to come grab my dog. Thanks. Four minutes later, I get a text, As we're driving, my girlfriend and I have been looking for a dog, and we fell in love with yours. No, no. We are at a friend's house right now. It is 1. 6 miles from your home. We were wondering if we would just be able to keep her. She is precious and seems easy to train. We want a dog that we can walk outside all the time to go adventuring and to take care of. If you do not have the time, we would love to take her. Please consider this. We would love to have her. She would be in a good home with undivided attention.

Oh, so there's some shame.

Well, did you take on shame? I mean, sorry. Did you feel judged? Judgment.

I mean, it's one of those things. I was like, Probably shouldn't have said she knows her way home. You can just let her find her way. But she does.

But it does sound maybe a little bit like, Whatever, man. It's an outdoor dog. What are you fucking worrying about?

100%. They probably were like, She doesn't even care about this dog. She doesn't care if she gets hit by a car. I get that. But my husband's driving, I'm in the passenger seat, and our two boys are in the back seat, and I'm in a panic at this point, and I'm like, I don't have a good feeling about this. So I text back and I said, Is this a joke? She's almost 14 and a huge part of our family. I can assure you she's well cared for and loved. She's an indoor dog with Husky in her, so she likes to run. Please give me your address.

Yes.

No response. Then I'm calling the phone number. No answer. They've totally ghosted me at this point. I'm like, Now what? There goes my dog.

Other than really quick, I'm clutching for straws. I'm like, Well, she's going to get out again. They don't know what they're in for. She's going to come over. They're going to take her to pee, and she's going to run right back home.

But they are like, We're at a friend's house. So if they take her to the other side of town, I don't know where she's going to end up. My husband's driving. I'm like, I don't have a good feeling about this. I don't know. He said, Okay, well, here's the deal. We know the area where she usually is. She goes through our backyard into this other neighborhood and then cuts into the park. We're just going to drive over to the neighborhood and see if we can see her or see what's going on. I'm like, Okay, so we're driving in the neighborhood, and I shit you not, another car passes us going the other direction, and she's hanging out the back window.

Oh, thank God.

No, but also they're on the run with her.

And I, completely not thinking, open my door and I'm like, Harley. But then they see me, so now they know we're on to them. My husband's like, Get in the car. I'm like, Okay, okay. So I jump back in the car, I shut the door, he whips around. We start chasing them, following them at this point. But they are so hell-bent on stealing my dog. They are blowing through people's yards. Stop it. They almost took a mailbox. They start driving like a crazy person.

Like they've robbed a bank.

They're on the run. My husband is not one to let this go lightly. So keep in mind, we do have our two children in the back seat, and we now start chasing them, and we blow through this neighborhood. They don't care. They're not stopping for stop signs. They're not stopping for anything.

And you've not called 911? You've not involved the cops yet?

This is It's the first time you've asked about 911.

Well, my first thought would be like, I'm definitely tailing them, but I got to get the police involved immediately.

That is a great point. No, we have not done that yet. And honestly, I guess I didn't really think it would go this far. I just thought, Well, once we saw her in the car, they would pull over and be like, Oh, okay. I don't know what we were thinking. No, that didn't happen. My husband is at least slowing down, stopping for stop signs just to make sure no one's coming, and then we'll high tail it after him. So we're going down this main road in Anchorage, and the speed limit is 45, and we're going over 100. Oh, wow. And I'm gripping the door, but also it's my dog. We got to get her. I would say we're probably in a high-speed chase for about five miles. And finally then I'm like, okay, I'm calling the cops. I'm like, hey, this is what's going on. They had already received numerous phone calls at this point. They said, you're the one chasing? I said, Yes. They have my dog. She said, no, this is not okay. You need to pull over. You have to stop. I'm like, okay. So I said to my husband, I was like, hey, you got to pull over.

So we pull over into a gas station And the car had a personalized license plate. So we knew it wasn't hard to remember. And my husband, who is in the automotive industry for years and years, he calls in a favor to a friend, and he's like, Hey, run this plate for me. So we We get the info on the guy. We have the address, the full name, everything. So my husband calls the phone number that we've been texting with. Of course, they don't answer, but he calls the number and he said, Here's the deal, motherfucker. I know where you live. I have your address. I have your full name. I know everything about you. If you don't give my wife her dog back, I will hunt you down and kill you. I'm like, Why? You can't say that. He's like, I don't care.

Yes, I love this.

I'm an Alaskian.

Yeah, so I'm like, Oh, my God.

Really quick, I'm trying to weigh out what one's a felony, what one's a misdemeanor. Dog napping versus threatening someone's life. I know.

Exactly. The cops are like, Just go home home, we'll send someone to talk to you. The cops show up about 2 hours later, and they read My Husband, the riot act. And he's like, Well, they stole her dog. And he's like, That's not a kid. You can't do this. You can't be in a high-speed chase down the I just got to flag one thing.

He's such a husband. He keeps referring to it as your dog, which is how I refer to our dogs. I'm like, That's Phyllsia Chrison's dog. The husband doesn't care about the dog. No, he's got to keep his wife happy. That's all his job is.

He puts up with the dogs, but he doesn't care about the dog ever. He's like, Whatever, it's your dog. But also, he's like, No, I'm not going to let someone fuck with you. Basically, after them standing in our entryway for probably 30 minutes, just giving it to him, they stopped, and they didn't arrest him. And then they said, Well, do you have any questions? And I'm like, Yeah, where's my dog? Exactly. And the cop said, She's in the back of our squad car in the driveway. I'm like, Oh. They said, You can come outside and get her. And it was really sweet, too, because the cop said, I understand she's a runner. She's a skinny dog. So their defense was, She's malnutrition. They don't take care of her. And he's like, No, she's just athletic. I said, You can look. She free eats. Her food and water are out all the time. She has access to whatever she wants, but she's a runner. She's skinny. It's just who she is. He said, I know. I understand. Anyways, I walked out into the driveway and got my dog.

So the folks didn't get in any trouble?

No. Isn't that crazy? I wonder if he wouldn't have threatened them on their voicemail, if it would have been more that they would have gotten in trouble. We got the dog back, and in the end, that That was all we really cared about. But it was funny because he does have a personalized license plate, I've seen him driving around town three times, and I always pull up next to him and roll my window down. I'm like, You stole my dog.

Oh, wow. Yeah, good.

I'm not letting him get off easy. So that was how we ended up in a high-speed chase with our dog being kidnapped.

That is a great story. I'm sorry about all the details, but glad we got to hear it.

This morning, our internet went out twice. Oh, boy.

That's scary.

What am I going to do? So my husband went and set up Starlink outside. He was like, It's fine. We're going to make this work. That's so cute. I like this guy.

I do, too. I'm going to hop for this guy. He sounds great. Well, you're radical.

Yes. Thanks for chatting with us. I'm really glad it was a happy ending.

Me too. Yeah.

And we lost her in the very beginning of COVID, but she was the best dog ever. So I'm really glad that I got to speak about her and give her a little shout out.

Yeah. All right, Jill. Take care.

Bye.

Eric. Hi. Can you hear us?

I can hear you. Can you hear me?

We can hear you wonderfully. I'm so excited because I do see that we have some photographic evidence of whatever story you're about to tell us. We don't know what it is yet, but I love when there's photos.

We'll give a warning before we show them.

Where are you at, Eric?

I'm in Northwest Indiana, so right between Chicago and Michigan.

Gary-ish?

A little bit south, like 20 minutes.

Okay, great. Did you go up to the dunes ever when you were a kid?

Yeah, we love it there. I take my son there all the Yeah, it's spectacular, isn't it? One of our favorite places.

So you have a pet story? I do.

This story takes place in Michigan. I was planning a family reunion, getting a bunch of the extended family together, and I decided to go to a place up along the Coast. It was called Luddington. I think you might be familiar with it.

Yeah, absolutely.

We found a resort where we had been before, and getting everyone together was always difficult. So we had to make some concessions, bring pets along. I talked through with the owner. We paid the pet fee. Everybody's coming. Big family vacation, so off to a good start.

What year is this?

2021.

So we do have chain text messages. I'm just trying to think of the logistical barriers here, but you chose an easy year to do this in.

Yeah, it was a year and a half post-COVID in the summer. Everyone trying to go out and figure out what they can do for the first time. So we picked a nice outdoor activity and a reason to get everyone together. So the event happens on the night where we're a couple of nights into the vacation. Everybody's having a good We have a nice tent set up, lights. We're having a party. I brought my eight-month-old dog who was up in our cabin. I want to tell you a little bit about the layout. There's two cabins up on a hill, big long stairs. And then on the main level is the grass, and then there's a big main cabin. We're out there, we're having a good time. I'm having some drinks, catching up with cousins, and I have to pee. It's a long walk up the stairs. I decide to just go over behind a bush, and at that moment, my wife stops me. My wife also ate lunch pregnant at the time and says, You know what? Why don't you go inside? I'm like, You're right. I go into the main cabin, I go to walk to the bathroom, and a family member's dog is sitting on the couch.

I decide to go up and pet it, just sit on the couch, and then Bam. Blood everywhere. Oh, boy. The dog just jumped on my face and bit me.

Oh, my God. What dog?

It was a mutt. I'm not really sure the kind. It's probably like 30, 40 pounds. In that moment, I really didn't know what happened. It was so quick. I I just jumped back and I really couldn't see much at all. There's just blood everywhere. I know this cabin layout because we have been here before. I make my way over to the sink and I'm also a little afraid the dog's going to come back in.

Sure, it did get its fill. Yeah.

I find some paper towels, whatever I can. I put them on my face, and then I see a little bit. I look down, the whole thing's just drenched with blood.

Oh, my God.

At this moment, I'm thinking, I need to get back to my wife. The whole family's right around the corner. So I stumble out the door, and then they're about another 10 feet to where they could see me.

But Eric, you did not look in a mirror? No. God, I would have had to have looked. That was my first thought. I was like, I got to get in front of a mirror.

It was so bad.

Yeah, you knew it needed to be addressed so quickly. Okay.

No time to gander.

Not at all. I could barely see. I make my way out of the cabin and I fall to the ground and just get on my hands and knees because it feels better. I start to crawl towards the corner to where I can be seen, I get there, and then I go to yell for help, and nothing comes out.

Oh, my God. What?

I'm just pretty much choking on blood at this point anytime I try and talk.

Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord, Eric.

Pretty bad situation at this point. I take a second and just start waving my hands, jumping up, and my wife sees me, and I talked to her before this, and she said, I hurdled a picnic table pregnant just to get over there as fast as I could. Everyone just runs around for help. I tell them what happened. The The first thing is there's a doctor in the family. They're like, Let's get him. He's a cardiologist. There wasn't much he was going to do.

He's hammered, but let's get him in the mix.

90% of people are hammered.

Well, you're going to pee in a bush, so we know the state of affairs.

So my wife, obviously pregnant, was not hammered. So she's like, Let's just get him immediately in the car and get to the hospital because I can tell how bad it is. At this point, they can't really see how bad it is.

Because you have a paper towel on it still?

Or is it so It's so much blood?

It's so much blood.

They pour some water on it.

It's pretty much my nose. It's hanging off.

Oh, my God. No wonder you were choking on blood, too, because the blood It's draining down.

Exactly. It's draining back into my throat. I say something and no words come out.

Oh, boy, Monica's really-I don't like it. She really roughed up right now.

I liked dogs after the last story, and now I back to hate dogs.

Well, how about yours? Yours is back to zero. No, I hate them.

For the record, I still love dogs, but now we're in this situation where I just need to get to the hospital. This is small Lake Town. There's one place to go. It's about 25 minutes away. My wife This is the only one who can drive me. We don't even bother calling an ambulance. We just throw me in the car. So we get there. They get me in right away. But the doctor who was helping me did not inspire confidence. He pretty much said, This is my first time doing something like this.

Even if it's true, just don't say it.

Yeah, well, it gets worse because then he said it looked like hamburger meat.

This is a small town dog.

He doesn't need to say that, especially.

Now we need to stitch it up back together. So the first tooth bite was up in my forehead, and then it came down and then got the top side of my nose where my eyebrow meets my nose. Then it went in through the side and then went through and tore through the septum down to this bottom part of the nose.

Oh, my God. I mean, your whole face.

Yeah.

Like Jack the Ripper guy. Yeah.

Pretty much. So they start stitching me up. I get a local anesthetic. I still have a lot of blood, and there's not really an assistant, so it ends up being my wife. She's just helping him out, and I'm just spitting into a rag.

It's like a cash-only doctor off.

We get one or two stitches in, and I start to feel it a little bit. I shouldn't be feeling it. So we're going to do a quick flashback here, but I had had some dental work in the past. I've never had a major surgery, but it turns out that I metabolize anesthesia a little bit faster. My dad's a red head.

I was going to say he chose it, but you don't have red hair.

I've since had surgery, and they told me it took about two and a half times the amount of anesthesia. We get two stitches in, and then Then we need another shot. Now it makes me a little queezy to think about because I'm like, What are you putting the shot into? We pretty much just go through this process of every three to four stitches, I get another shot.

Oh, my God.

I end up getting 40 to 45 stitches throughout the whole nose. And towards the end, when he did the nostril, he looped it a little too tight, and he had to take it out and do it again.

Okay, you need to misfire a little.

Well, it was his first time.

Honestly, the fact that it only happened once is I'm pretty good. For the listener, I'm staring at your nose and I'm shocked. It looks great. It looks great. Yeah, there's no residual.

I don't even see any scars.

I don't even see your nose.

For the listener, he doesn't have a nose.

And it looks great.

After this, I would get with friends and they're like, Oh, it doesn't look too bad. I'm like, No, it was very, very bad. And no one really understood how bad it was. I've talked to a few people. They still don't really get... My nose is pretty much not attached to my face for a while.

Oh, and are we to now look at these photos?

Oh, I forgot there are photos.

Are we at that point of the experience?

There's the day of when I got out.

Okay. Oh, yeah.

It was off. This is when they put it back, but it is barely on. It's barely on.

What feels lucky is your septum seems really disfigured in one of the photos, but it does seem later that it did end up getting vertical again. But it looks like it's on an angle.

This is completely Yeah.

Yeah, right? Yes. All it was was stitching. I didn't have any plastic surgery, no deviated septum surgery afterwards. I can show you here, but you might be able to see it's a little crooked.

A tiny bit.

Yeah, only when you did that and really pointed it out, we would never have noticed that.

What was the reaction of the owner of the dog? Was it an immediate close relative or was it like a very extended?

Close relative. I don't want to get into it too much to just air the dirty laundry.

That didn't go well.

We had some back and forth.

You just want to minimally warn everyone the dog bites. This probably would have been my thing.

No. This kind... Yes, I think actually by law. I'm serious. I know. This attack, that dog can't be around people.

The doctor, when we got there, was just like, Where was the bite? Because it's a different story if it's the leg versus the face. I guess they categorize it differently if it's attacking your face. We went rounds on that, and we're good now.

The family reunion to end all family reunions. But you made it through. That's good.

I do want to know, is it your family or your wife's family?

Oh, good question. My family.

Okay, that's better. If it was your wife's family, who?

He coordinated the whole thing, which you would have been the husband of the century if you coordinated your wife's family reunion. Are you at all gun-shy around dogs now? Did it have any residual effect or no?

I'm more careful. I'm not really shy around them for a while afterwards, I'm thinking twice as I lean down to pet a dog. I'm not doing that anymore. No. But I've got a golden retriever. We're always out on walks and you see all these dogs barking. It is a little scary.

My fear of dogs started by getting attacked by two Dobermans when I was nine years old walking down the street, and fuck me, was as scary as I think I've ever been.

My wife, she's also been bit by Doberman.

I've been bit, too. A lot of people have been bit by dogs. Oh, yeah, they bite a lot. Not good. And then people are like, Why do you hate dogs? They kill people.

Well, you know what it is? I totally get it. As I was hearing the story, I was forcing myself to recognize a parallel with me, which is like, I ride dirt bikes and I ride motorcycles, and you get hurt on them. And if you love motorcycles and dirt bikes, you just don't care. You're like, Yeah, whatever. That's part of it. And if you just love dogs, you're like, Yeah, sometimes they bite, and that's part of it. If you love the outcome, which is owning a dog, it's very easy to file it. It's just the same way I file these injuries that are inevitable when you ride. Motorcycle is a hobby. If you ride horses, you're going to get bucked and all these things are going to happen.

But you're hurting yourself. True. For me, it's about what if your motorcycle just randomly ran over your kid's foot? You probably wouldn't have it.

But I do understand when you love something, you just file things much differently.

I mean, that's true.

I mean, it's different if it's your dog versus someone else's dog. We bought a golden retriever. They're not biting very many people. Exactly. That was part of it. We got two little kids, so we were like, Well, let's get a very chill dog.

Oh, man. I'm so sorry that happened. Yikes.

Thanks. Every day I look in the mirror, I'm astounded. It looks like the way it does.

Well, Eric, that was delightful. As miserable as it was, I enjoyed it just the same. Yeah.

Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, absolutely. Nice talking to you guys. Take care. Bye.

Hi.

Hi. Oh, my God. You're in a soundproof box.

I am. It's part of my work. We take a lot of interviews and calls, so I was able to actually have a soundproof box, which is pretty nice.

My goodness, I love it. We're going by Rose, but we're not really Rose. Is that what I'm understanding?

I'm going by Rose because I work in education, and so I figure just best practice to have a pseudonym, but I will have my dog's name be her actual name because she's the star of the story.

Okay, great. Anna Rose by any other name. Oh, I like that. There's something to be said there. Are you allowed to tell us where you're at in the world or some general sense?

Yes. I'm actually in Los Angeles, California.

And did you move here or you were born here? I moved here.

So this story will actually take place on my road trip whilst moving out to California in 2020.

Okay, because you strike me as a Midwestern or just right off the bat for some reason. Where are you from originally? Minnesota. Okay, you nailed it. I'll take that. Good people, good people like Michiganders.

I think so.

Have you done some ice fishing and snowmobiling?

Absolutely. That was a lot of my childhood sitting in a box with a little heater.

Yeah. Drinking schnapps?

Maybe not at 10, but a little bit later in life.

We would agree, right? It's an excuse to drink. Ice fishing?

I would say so. I'd say there would be a lot of Coors light in those boxes, a lot of whiskey.

In Michigan, for whatever reason, what was customary? I guess you got like mint julips at the Kentucky Derby. You got signature drinks. For whatever reason in Michigan, when you went ice fishing, it was schnapps time. Yeah, just nipping on that cinnamon schnapps.

Because it's cozy.

It warms you up a little bit.

It's funny you say that because my brother One of the things we found in his room after he left for college was peppermint schnapps under his bed. Wow.

Good for him. Ice fishermen waiting to happen. Okay, so, Rose, you have a pet story.

On behalf of my loving dog Dawson. It was July 19th, 2020. I had just graduated my master's in education program, and I got a job out in Northern California. My brother has been in Los Angeles for like 20 years.

The schnab sound? Yes, the schnab sound. Okay.

I always wanted to closer to him, and I got a job in Northern California. And of course, July 2020, interesting times, we decided to drive me out here, and it was me and my dog Dawson. And then my mom was driving with us in our car to help keep company. So my Toyota Camry, it did me very well. And Dawson was in the back seat. My mom and I were in the front. We were driving cross country. Everything was going well. We planned a couple of days. So we made our first track. Went really Well, second day, we're driving through Wyoming, specifically between, I want to say the interstates were the 80 and the 25. And we'd stop every once in a while to, of course, take a break ourselves and then also to let Dawson run around, play, and use the bathroom. One of the stops that we came up on in Wyoming was when we were in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming, we were at least 30 minutes from the last place we had stopped, and then a good, probably hour and a half from the next potential pit area. So we get out.

My mom went to get snacks. I took Dawson for her bathroom break. Tinkle time. Duty.

Oh, okay. Duty time. Yeah, that's good.

Number two.

Let's just say it was taking a while. It was taking a lot longer than it typically did. And when she seemed like she was done, she kept rubbing her backside on the ground. And I checked to see, sometimes there's something dangling. We need a paper towel, except for, instead of seeing a dangling piece of poop or anything else or grass, I see a red bulb the size of a miniature plum. I have a picture that I did send to Rob if he hasn't.

We have it. Should we look at it? Is now the time to look?

Now is the time to look at it.

You have a guess, dude.

Well, I think some of his intestine has come out, but maybe there's an object for an object. Let's see.

Very startling photo to open.

Oh, wow. Okay, great. It appears to be like a play ball.

That's what it looked It is large.

Okay.

Also, it's completely hemispheirical. So how you're going to find purchase on this thing with your fingers and get a good grip on it.

But maybe you're right about intestines.

And I'm also glad you guys had the wherewithal to photograph this as it was happening. Yeah. I love that. So often things happen, and two hours later, I'm like, Why on earth did I not take a picture?

I did have to contact my mom because I couldn't find any photos on my camera, and I was asking her. I'm like, There must be a photo somewhere of this. She, of course, had it on her phone because I was holding Dawson as this was happening to try to figure out WTF, what is happening, because nothing would help wipe it off.

You were trying to wipe it off?

That's very sweet. We were going to have some hope at first.

I can't stop staring at it. I know, me too. It's weird. Because it's so foreign. It almost looks like the planet of Saturn is coming out of your dog's ass.

Yeah, the color is bright.

Yeah, it's bright red. I will say, when I was speaking to my mom yesterday to get some reminders. She did say, Oh, yeah, it looks like a clown's nose coming out of her butt. I was like, That's a good one, too.

Yeah, really spot on.

Nothing was helping. She kept trying to rub it off, and it became soon apparent that it was, in fact, a part of her, but we didn't know what part of her it was. So we called around. It was July 19th. It was a Sunday, and we were in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming. So we were working really hard to find a vet hospital that was nearby. The only one that we could find was 30 minutes backtracking in the direction we just came. And so we're like, All right, we're going to drive there. We describe what happened. They gave us no resolve as to what it could be. They just said, Make sure she doesn't bite at it. Come here as soon as you can. And so we drove straight there and we get to this small town vet, really small office, one vet tech, very sweet lady. I don't remember her name, but I feel like it must have been Kimberly or Deb. She was just like, Oh, hi. Welcome. Y'all are the people who called. And the vet came out who's probably in his mid to late '70s. He took one look at her and he said, Oh, bring her to the back table.

And then he looked at the nurse, and all he says is, Bring the gloves and the sugar.

Sugar. Okay. Sugar.

This is strange. Still no indication of what's going on. No talking to us. He just tells us, Oh, yeah, walk back here. He proceeds to put the gloves on. Like, Please get her up on the table. Oh, yeah, you can just hold her. Maybe help hold up her tail. Still zero explanation as to what he's doing or what is happening. And he has the gloves on. He takes a gigantic handful of sugar. And he just slowly just puts the giant handful of sugar onto...

Her asshole.

Yes, exactly. On to her asshole.

Is that the first time you've said asshole in your life? Because that was such a cute Minnesota. Oh, I got to say asshole.

I'm pretty used to not swearing in certain sense. I'm going to feature her so long.

And, yes, he's very slowly putting on there.

And then he finally starts to explain, Oh, this happens. This is her butt lining. She might just be stressed. He goes in for a second handful of sugar. It was a prolapse. Yeah.

But the sugar, I've never heard of this whole sugar thing. What does it do? Did he explain why that was the mechanism?

Yeah. So you said there's something about the sugar reduces the inflammation because he did it three times, slowly but surely, and it went back in. We told him that we were still traveling across the country. What should we do? I didn't have a vet yet in California. And he just said, You can just do this again. He gave us gloves. He said, go to the store, buy a bag of sugar. If it happens again, do the same thing. You just take a giant scoop full of sugar slowly on there a couple of times, and then it would go back in. We ended up taking his advice. He gave us some gloves. We paid our vet bill, got her a cone, which I think I shared a second picture.

She looks very happy in her cone.

Her tongue is nice and pink. That means healthy.

Her nose is damp.

She was happy. She no longer had her hanging out of her backside, which was nice.

Did you guys have to pack it back in at any point?

We absolutely did. We got through the salt flats, we got to Nevada, and the first gas station stop that we stopped at in Nevada, we were taking her out to go to the bathroom again. She had been pretty calm. She was happy in her cone. She took a nap, take her out, goes to poop again, happens again. We followed the vet's instructions and used the gloves and the sugar about three times, three giant scoop fulls of sugar, and it went right back in.

That's so wild.

Very wild, though it did give her the nickname sugar butt.

You know what I was thinking this whole time? I was like, I've always heard this term he's a candy ass or they're a candy ass, and I've always thought, what on earth does that even mean, that term? It could be someone who's so regularly prolapsing their anus that their ass is covered in sugar. Oh my God. Candy ass. Yeah. Wow. I guess I'm going to assume that means.

That's what we can assume it means. Wait a minute. It's strange because sugar, I feel normally would irritate and cause information.

Well, we think of it as causing information.

Yeah, but that might be society telling us a lot.

What I was going to say is there are many times where you might not be thrilled that you have an older person helping you, like something requiring great prowess of vision or quick reflexes. You might not want your surgeon, but this is exactly... In fact, the older the vet, the better, because They have seen every goddamn thing. That whole sugar thing might not be in a medical book at all. It might be over the years, he's packed enough cow's asses back in in this small farm town, and he figured shit out along the way. He's like, One look, yeah, get my sugar.

Yeah, what if it's proprietary to just him?

What if you go in his medical cabinet, it's like, there's WD-40, there's sugar, there's all these bizarre things that work. It makes me think of there was a Michael J. Fox movie where he went to a small town to be a doctor. This kid got really ill, and he came into the office, and he thought he was having appendicitis. Then the old man came in, and he's like, Get him a can of Coca-Cola. And they're getting a big fight about it. He makes him drink the Coca-Cola. The kid feels better, and he goes, Did you get into your old man's chewing tobacco? And he's like, Yeah. And it's like, That's what you're looking for in that sitch.

That's such a trope, the old doctor.

I love it. We just found out it's true, at least in the vet community.

Yeah, apparently it's a tried and true, and at least hopefully this can be a cautionary tale. Well, if anyone comes across this, now you know you could just get gloves and a spoon full of sugar.

Hell, screw the gloves.

I might use a Snickers bar. I just rub a Snickers bar all. That sounds like a probe.

Oh my God.

Just a caramel treat for after work.

Oh, yeah. Carmelized apple.

Oh, wow.

Well, Rose. This is weirdly heartwarming.

Rose. It looks like a rose coming out of its bud.

Sure. We didn't say that. It turned sweet. If it had more folds and convolutions.

I hate that. I really want to look hard in it.

Because it's not gross. It does look like a clown's nose coming out.

It looks very smooth.

Or like those little orange balls you play roller blade hockey with. It looks like he or she ate a ball.

I want to give a quick shout out, if that's okay, to my brother. He's the person who initially got me put on to, armchair expert, and I've been listening ever since.

Oh, lovely. Shout out, bro. I love how much you like your brother. Me, too.

I was thinking that, You wanted to be near him.

All right, Rose. Lovely meeting you. Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, take care. Bye.

These teachers, they're 100 out of 100 sweet.

They're in a two-way tie with nurses for the best of the best.

Yeah, but nurses are a little like-They're kinky. Yeah. They're purvy. They're a little purvy. That's why I like them. Yeah. They're nasty. But the teachers are like, sweet.

They're wholesome. Yeah, they're good, good, good. Not all of them. They're good boys. There's some bad apples in there. Like that apple coming out of What's his name?

Dawson's. Dawson. I do wish people could see it.

Yeah, me too. All right. Well, I love you. That was fun. Yeah, it was. Pets. Yeah, pets. Get them.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of on Jerry'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhymeish. On the fly, I rhymeish. Enjoy.