Transcript of Marcello Hernández

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. That'll come up in the fact check, Lily. And in the episode, Lily.

That's right.

Today we have, boy, one of the cutest guests we've had in a very long time. He's such a charming, talented, cute, fun-loving, effervescent, life-affirming- Smart. Marcelo Hernandez. You know him from Saturday Night Live. He was in Happy Gilmore, too. He has a stand-up special out right now that is so fun and and has such a vibe called American Boy on Netflix. So check that out. And really, just prepare to be charmed for the next two hours.

It's so fun. This is such a fun episode.

Please enjoy Marcelo Hernandez.

He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. He's an objets man. Let's do this.

Let's have a boundaries conversation.

Oh, God.

Before we proceed.

I prefer physical touch.

Me too. I'm laughing that way. Do you have a place here?

No, I just came for this.

Why are you in that sweet Panamera?

I wanted one, and I never got it, so I just rented it. Oh, so you rented it? Yeah.

Great move. I definitely approve of that. Thank you very much.

Are you going to buy one now?

Let me buy you Yes.

Dax, please.

Dax will buy you one. If this goes to 15 million views, I'll buy you one.

I like that. This is a cool little room you got here.

Thank you. I got to tell you something, right? You got to be warned for something. Okay. I made my daughter promise she would not come before the interview, but she was in her bedroom watching you get out of the car, and she said, He's got two bags from Marshall's. When I told her yesterday we were interviewing you, she started bawling.

Oh, my God.

She's so cute. She's so huge. Her Okay, she said we shouldn't talk about her.

No, she just said they couldn't call her dumb names or something. A pig? Why would we ever do that? She's not a pig. I know. I'm like, Have you ever heard me talk about you?

She said, Don't talk about me. We were like, Well, and he was like, Just don't call me a pig. We were like, Why would we do that?

If you ever heard me say anything, but- This couch is not for my height.

I will say. What would you like to do?

It's not for anyone. We have a pillow there. Do you want to- It's okay.

I just don't want to put my feet on your tail.

No, you can definitely. You could literally throw a knife in there.

You can do anything here. We just want you to be so comfortable.

Marcella, welcome.

I brought I brought you guys stuff. You did? I brought you stuff. Why? Do you want to do it now? Get it out of the way?

Yeah, let's do it today. It's always good to start with gifts.

I was just on the way.

Yeah, and you swung by marshals.

I was on the way and I didn't know.

Are you sponsored by marshals? No, I'm not.

But I think we're all sponsored by marshals. I got you some stuff. Okay, great. We're going to start with you. I got you this. I think you might like it. It's just Christmas. I left the tag on. Look at that. Isn't that nice? It's really nice. It felt like your vibe. It's It's just you. I got you this as well. Try that. Tell me what you think of that. Open that up.

Look at that. Okay, that's not for me. No, that's not. Yes, it is. Because it looks like driving. The automotive aspect is definitely for me.

Good job. Toyota Supra.

Toyota. But the style of shirt with a collar, you don't see me in a lot of collar.

I think you should try it. Okay. Yeah, I think it might be a good one.

Then I got you this. This is a big finish here. I love it. You just bought me this.

Check this out. A ton of random. Look at that.

Now, That is something, isn't it? This. Because who doesn't love that?

This is incredible.

For the listener, it's an elf. What is it? A sweatshirt. It's an elf thing.

It's an elf draping.

Because it's a good movie, isn't it? It's a great movie. It was at Marshall's, and I grabbed it, and I thought you would like it.

I was down in New Zealand shooting a movie when it came out, and we all went to the theater and saw it. It was the greatest moment. Two rows behind me, I hear this little voice go, Oh, my God! I love I love him. I love him so much. I turned around and this boy was standing on his seat. He was too excited to remain seated, and he was just screaming, I love him.

I love him so much. Will Serrell has that effect. He really does. You love him. You love him so much. Then you. Here we go. Don't think I forgot about you. Because I know you like to get cozy, right? I do. I can feel that. I can tell you like to be cozy. I got you this. I don't want to throw things at you. Oh, no.

That's so nice.

I can't throw something at you. Okay, this is a nice cardigan.

Isn't that cute? Yeah.

Look at that.

This is so cute. Maybe you should wear that to the globe.

It's for Christmas. Christmas is right behind the corner. Look at this. You like that? Girl dinner. Wow, girl dinner. Because for just in case, if you have one.

In case I ever have a girl dinner, I can wear this.

It's there, right? By the way, you have no idea how many girl dinners she hosts. That's what I'm saying.

I do. But girl dinner means something different. Oh, no.

What's it mean?

Is it sexual? What is girl dinner?

Girl dinner is like, Oh, I have half an egg and then a celery It's that.

Oh, that's what it is.

What do you call the thing you host?

I host dinner parties. A Girls' dinner? A dinner party for girls.

Yeah, for girls. Got it. But I'm still going to wear this for that. Girls. I'm going to flip the script.

Then I got you this because it's on the way, because I was on the way. Oh, shit. I go, I mean, who's not?

Who's not Santa's faith?

That's what I'm thinking. I love these items. You know what I mean? There you go.

Can I ask you how long it took you? I feel like you were in Marshalls for a good hour.

I was in Marshalls for a while. I got myself some stuff as well. I didn't bring it up. You can't go to Marshalls and not buy yourself some stuff.

No, you can't. What time did you wake up today?

6: 00 AM. Not normal for me.

Because it's New York time?

I guess, maybe.

But you went to an award show yesterday.

I went to Critics Choice Awards last night.

Kristen saw you said you did a great bit.

Thank God.

Did you do Sebastian?

I did a little bit with Sebastian. He was awesome.

You guys did it together. Yeah. Isn't he the most lovable guy?

He's great. I was telling him that I think he's going to be a hilarious father-in-law one day because the faces he'll make.

Totally. Sebastian Manescalco, for people who don't know. Yeah, Manescalco. Friend of the pod.

I told him I was coming in. He's like, It'll be great. Oh, good. I can't wait to see him be a father-in-law because I think it'll be so funny for his daughter one day with the husband to be like, And I had to go to the doctor, but actually, he couldn't come with me because he had to work, and just camera zooms in on him being like… Guys, what is your name? Big guy. My daughter. I want to see that. I'd like to be in that living room. You're right.

He could get a ton done without ever saying anything that could be repeated back.

He's all faced.

In a court of law.

He can do so much face.

How old is his daughter? You could be the one.

I don't know anything about the kids, but I do know that I want to see him as a father-in-law. I want him to hate the son. I just want to see that. I want him to hate the son. Nobody's good enough energy. I like to see that. I also want to be that I'm excited to one day have a baby and be the father-in-law and be like, So you don't go with her to the doctor. You know that guy?

Mostly, it's about not going to the doctor. You really expect people to go to the doctor with your daughter.

You know what I mean?

You got to be there.

And by the way, if she's bringing it up at dinner, she's saying he couldn't go because he had to go to work. That's a sign she wanted him to go.

She wanted him.

She asked. She wanted him to be there.

She needed him.

Let me tell you, it's a sign. It's a microcosm of a larger issue. I'm not going to get into it. I love him, but I can't stop doing it.

I was thinking this a lot when I was watching your standup last night. I had this moment. I'm not trying to call you out. I was just like, what's interesting is I learned in a Malcolm Gladwell book that there are no first-generation kids who have accents. It's the power of peer groups. You have one.

A little bit, sure.

And Manescalco has one, and I love it. It's a persona-ish.

Sure. When I'm with you today, You're going to hear pretty good English out of me. It's going to be solid because I'm hearing you and I can do you. I can speak perfect English with you here now. Now, you leave me alone in Miami for an hour. It's going to get a little bit dispicy. I'm going to forget to say in normal. It's going to happen. It does happen to me. And you know what I've learned, too, recently is that I can write faster in Spanish. In Spanish, I can go off on an idea a lot faster than I can in English. For For some reason, I've been writing lately. I'll sit down with my assistant, my associate, Mari. She's the best. I'll just be like, Bring up a topic, and I'm just going to scream at you in Spanish. I've written a few jokes that way, and I think it might be my process. Wow, we nailed it. I think I might have found my process.

Well, I was hoping we would discover what your process was at some point. We got right out of-It might be my new process. Now, I want you to know, if you somehow join my family, you're going to fit in beautifully because you're born on the 19th. My little sister is the 20th. My mom's the 25th. Of August? Wow. Yeah, August. And then our best friend, 24. Yes, me.

So we're all Leos. Is that it?

No, I'm a Virgo. I switched right in the middle there.

She calls herself a double Virgo.

I am a double. I don't call it. I am.

You are a double Virgo. Yeah, that's right. Whatever it says about Virgo to you, it's double. No. Times two. It's times two. If it says, Virgos are going to have a bad day, you're going to have a horrible day.

That's right. Okay. Wow. Another thing we've uncovered here today.

A 2X bad day.

I'm a generational cusp.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Because you're a Gen Z.

Gen Z, but also I'm millennial. I feel in the middle in a lot of ways in my life. Which ways? Let's get into it, right? This is a podcast.

We want you to cry about it.

I I'm still in the middle because I know I'm Gen Z, and I'm good on the phone. I'm good with the phone. I'm good with the internet, Wi-Fi. I'll reset the router. Let me reset the router. Reboot? You can reboot. Let me reboot the whole thing. Don't even touch it. I'm going to do it. Listen, I'll get into it with tech support. I'll do the chat. People go, I'm going to call. I go, Don't call. Talk to the robot. They know what to do. They know how to get to the thing. I do all that stuff, but at the same time, because I have immigrant parents and stuff, and they put this in your head, I'm also on the millennial. I had that feeling of not getting too emotionally crazy. I think we can be dramatic, Gen Zs. My immigrant thing made me an older generation energy as well. That makes sense. I do this, I'm grabbing- That's That's what millennials do. That's how I talk. I grab, I go, I'm also that.

And I see this.

A beautiful mind. Visual guy.

Incorporate it. Yeah, I do wonder if you're raised on the internet, drama is the currents. A hundred %. How could it not affect your overall? That's true.

It's got to be really bad.

Let's start with mom and dad.

Yeah, and stepdad. I have a trio. I have two dads and a mom.

That's nice that you said that. That means he's meaningful.

He is. He's a meaningful guy. That's really sweet. Absolutely. He's a badass.

You got lucky.

I got lucky with a good stepdad. I think it's also a difficult position to be in.

It is impossible. I dated a girl with a kid. I found it to be impossible. It's hard. Because I cared about the kid, and now I want the kid to turn out good. But the kid doesn't want me to be his dad. He's got a dad.

It's difficult. But my stepdad, he's a guy that didn't go to college, was in the Air Force, worked sales jobs, was selling fire alarms or house alarms, and then made his way into the television advertising business, and then became a badass. Oh, really? That's awesome. He just kills it.

Where's he from?

What's his story? He has a crazy story. He's from Cuba. He left when he was very little, but he left without his father because his father was in jail, a political prisoner for 14 years or 10 years, 11 years. But he didn't meet his dad until he was 14 in Miami when his dad made it out and came here. He had such a difficult coming up. My mom had a really difficult coming up because she had left Cuba when she was little.

How old was she?

I'm pretty sure she was 12 when she Cuba. Then she was in Spain from 12 to 15, 16. Then she went to the Dominican Republic. Really great.

How did she get to Spain?

Her dad was Spanish, so he took everybody. He got lucky that we had a Spanish grandfather, got him out. Then she just had to work always. She never got to have that childhood. She never got to be like a little girl because it was always stressful. Then I see that with my sister. I call my sister the vice president because my mom is the president, and then this is the vice president. The little girl gets to do whatever where she wants, and she gets all the fun stuff, random gifts. Oh, I want that. You can have it type of thing. It's because my mom, I think, is living vicarious.

She's giving her the childhood she didn't get.

I think so, yeah.

Then you were paying the price for all the men that were terrible. A little bit, yeah. Okay, so wait, biological dad. How did they meet? Did they meet in Spain?

I think they met in Miami.

But he is Dominican?

He's from the Dominican Republic. They had a lot of mutual friends, I think, because she came here from the DR.

Thank you for that abbreviation. You could say DR. Dr, boom. Going Danny Ricardo. Danny Ricardo.

And Dax Randall.

And Dax Randall.

That's your middle name, Randall. What do you think of when you hear the name Randall? Let's say it at the same time. 3, 2, 1. Mcdonald's. Monster's Inc. What did you say? Monsters Inc.

I said McDonald's.

I said White. We said white.

I don't think there's a single non-white person named Randall.

This is a real generational thing here. What just happens.

Let's do more of those. Yeah, that was fun.

I said Monster's Inc because Randall is the villain.

This could be a weird fun game where you just say a name and then everyone's got to say what. That conjures up immediately.

I'll produce the show. I'll produce this show. Thank you. Why don't I produce this?

Lily.

Lily is my middle name. Lily is your middle name?

Oh, and you want to do the game again?

Let's do the game. Okay, hold on. Can we take one second to think?

No, the whole point is fast.

Yeah, Lily, ready? 3, 2, 1.

We're close. We're close. I said pond and frog.

I thought of a lily pad. And what did you say?

Feminine product.

Yeah, you're always in a different place. Have you noticed that?

Because I'm 100 years older than Bovely.

He's always in a really different place. Feminine product. Feminine product.

Well, because lily, lily, like fresh scent. They're always trying to tell you how great that product smells. Okay. Oh, my. Don't you think? And it's always floral. Oh, my.

That's wow.

You don't think they do floral a lot?

Well, nowadays, they try to do neutral sense. Nowadays. Nowadays.

But in your day- But in the 1900s when I was born. Yes, exactly.

How old are you, Doug Shepard?

51. As of two days ago. Yeah, he just turned. Wow.

51.

Then growing up, I'm watching the Summer's Eve commercials, and I'm watching all the different tampon commercials, and it's always fields of lilax and lilies.

Well, I don't know that there's fields of lilies.

They're maritime. They're more nautical.

But you said lily pad, but my last name's It's a lily pad. It is lily pad. They really fucked me on that. They did that on their- Look at this look on his face.

This is a Europe dead look.

This is my dead look. It's very interesting. I promise you, I think this might be my first podcast since I was 20 years old or something, since before anything good happened. Really?

And you intentionally turned them down? Yeah. Tell me why.

Because I wanted to wait until they had something to watch of mine that I made. Okay, yeah. There was a lot of podcasts that I always listened to. I'm a big listener of podcasts. I just always felt like whenever I heard someone I really liked, I wanted to go watch their stuff. I didn't want to be someone that went on a podcast and then there was nothing to watch. Yeah. But now there's something to watch.

That's really thoughtful. That's really thinking things It is.

It also is like pushing down. What do you call it? You avoid it. I'm avoiding. You're avoiding. This is pressure. You're not the camera, not the people, all the talk. Is it? Yeah, of course. I wanted to do good. I want to be good.

Yeah, me too.

Always. I wanted to be doing good.

I want this to be doing great.

I want everybody to go, This was very good. He was good. It was perhaps amazing what he did on there.

It's already great.

I want people now running on our treadmill listening to this.

Oh, that's right. We're in their car.

Spotify.

Okay, back to your stepdad.

Yes, back to the stepdad.

What age were you when he entered the picture?

I think I was four or five. So he's always been around.

Did you see your dad on the weekends?

Yeah, I'm not with my dad a lot. He would always take me to Dominican Republic, me and my sister. We would go all the time when I was little. I would go three or four times a year. I built a great relationship with the Dominican Republic. I have friends there. I went to a lot of summer camps. I played soccer there. I trained with the Dominican Republic U15 National Team. That was good when I was younger. I felt patriotic with the Dominican Republic when I was younger. I was I'm always very proud of it. Those Dominican kids, they are fast and they grow up fast. We call it. I don't know how to say it. It technically means of a tiger, the ax of a tiger. I have a lot of jokes about it, about how you take an American kid and a Dominican kid, and they are different. The American kid is the age that he is, perhaps a few less. The Dominican kid, he might be 12, but he's 40. It's a different energy, these kids.

Interesting.

They're fast. They learn, too. They have an attitude.

I wonder why. Do you have any theories?

I think it's being in a third-world country. I think it makes you grow up a little faster. I think you see a little more, you're less coddled. I think English is also a more casual language. You can be a little more casual. Spanish is a little bit more elegant, not sophisticated, but more formal. To hear a little kid saying something in Spanish, it feels funny.

It's eloquent.

Yeah. A little kid being like, I'm hungry for some reason, doesn't have the same energy as a little kid being like, Tengo It sounds different.

Romantic from day one.

Yeah. In English, you say, I have a tummy ache or my stomach hurts. We don't have tummy. So the little kid will be like, I have a pain in my stomach. And he's a child. I see what you mean.

That, to me, is funny. I'm suffering abdominally.

Yeah, exactly. I have a little Dominican cousin, and he's hilarious. And he sends me voice notes on WhatsApp. He thinks it's funny that I speak English English. He came from the DR. For him, speaking English to him is a fun thing to do. Listen to him. He'll send me a voice note like this.

Good morning, my Melo. Can you call me when you can, please?

When you have a free time. That's a nine-year-old child.

You needed a doc. What is he?

He's my nephew. He's my uncle's kid, but he's so young that it's like... He's not my cousin. He's tiny. He's my nephew. Yeah.

He's making fun of me. He's making fun of me.

He's going, Good morning, my Melo. Can you call me when you can, please. When you have a free time. When you have a free time. He's different. I love him. It's different. You're not getting a voice note from a nine-year-old American kid.

No, you're not.

I should take him to Steve Harvey. You know that show, Steve Harvey?

You should do The kids say the darndest things.

He says the darndest things.

Yeah.

This kid says the darndest things.

Okay, back to Miami. Yes. This is interesting. You found yourself in two different Jesuit schools, one, all boys prep school, and then you went to Jesuit College. So help me.

I wasn't like, I had this passion to go be a Jesuit all the time. I played soccer in high school. I went through a lot with the soccer thing. I wanted to be a professional soccer player my whole life, and I definitely had, I would say, some discipline issues, discipline in school, discipline with training. I have ADD, and I wish I would have worked harder looking back. I wish I would have hung out less at parties or whatever and done more work. But now, obviously, things have worked.

Yeah, exactly. No, that's not a regret.

I had this interesting relationship I wanted to be so good. There were times when I wasn't that good, and I always felt that pressure. I had a problem because I behaved bad in school, and then I would make the soccer team. I told my coach, I want to be number seven or number nine or number 10, these great numbers. My coach to teach me a lesson because he goes, The teachers are telling me you're not behaving well in class, so you're going to wear 50. I wore number 50 because my coach was trying to teach me to be humble and to relax. The following couple of years, I had a change of mentality. Then my senior year, I would wake up before school and work out and then go to school. I was eating a certain amount of food. I was taking everything so serious. I went from my junior year having four or five goals on the season to 20 goals my senior year. I was all day, all region, all state. I finally made it. I was the captain of the team. I was sending my video to colleges, and I wanted to play in college.

I wanted to play division one. I wanted to be this division one athlete. I'm emailing all these schools. I'm one of the youngest people in my grade because my mom skipped me a grade when I was really little, which is not good for sports, but it makes the mom feel good that the kid is moving forward.

Yeah, it's this kid brilliant. I also started kindergarten at four. They do that. I like it.

Also immigrant parents.

But if you want your kid to... Exactly. They go, I just want to get him out of it. Just hurry up and finish so you can get to work. That's right. A couple of Division 1 schools I talked to, they looked at me as, wait a year. Wait a year, and then we'll take another look. I'm sure that after a year, I could have maybe gone Division 1. But at the position where I was, the real interest was from a few Division 3 schools. It came down to Occidental here in California, where Obama went.

Oh, my God.

Obama, Iran, Hussein. Yeah. Iran, Hussein, Obama?

Him.

Holy. All right, Hussein on three. One, two, three. Iraq. Saddam.

I didn't want to do that one.

Saddam.

Saddam.

But it was that school, and then it was this Jesuit school in Ohio, where the coach was really nice, Coach Coach Mara Nero, Coach Modinovich. They liked my video and they wanted me to go. They helped me get a scholarship, and it was this really rewarding feeling to have coaches want me to play there and give me a scholarship. I didn't want to wait. Also around this time, my mom and my stepdad were getting divorced, and they're back together now. It's a real love story. Oh, I love that.

We love these.

They got divorced and they got back together. I was feeling like, I got to get away a little bit. I didn't want to wait a year in Miami. I was like, I want to go out of state. I always wanted to go somewhere else. I just went to Jesuit school in Ohio.

Which is great father for your standup.

It ended up being the whole thing. When I was there, it was literally soccer for the first year, like crazy. Then the second year, after my first offseason, I tried standup, and I was like, Oh, no, I love it. Uh-oh. Oh, no, I love it. I'm going to leave my wife and be stand-up because soccer was my wife. I'm like, Oh, no. I met someone. Yeah, your mistress was comedy. I love her. My heart's beating so fast. I don't get with soccer anymore. I'm exhausted. I don't want to go to practice my lymph nodes. Then for standup, I'm like, wow, I started to feel like this is the thing. I took my roommate, I put him in an Uber to the standup club in an amateur night, and I did pretty bad. Then I was like, I got to go somewhere else. I looked up on Facebook, an open mic. I went to another open mic. I did even worse. Then I was like, Okay, I'm addicted. I have to be better at this. I started writing in notepads all day long. In class, I'm writing jokes. I'm trying to figure it out. Then I was just addicted to stand up, and I started doing it all the time.

Then in the summer, I did a bunch of yoga and soccer and stand up. That's all I did. What a summer. My freshman summer in Miami. Then I went back to Ohio and I was in better shape and I was better at stand up. It got this weird point where I'm playing a lot more on the team my second season in the preseason, but I'm getting much better at stand-up. Then I win this amateur competition, and they're like, We're going to pay you 500 bucks to host for the weekend. Oh, baby. Then now it's this weird thing, and I don't know what to do. One day, I did a real Troy Bolton. I went to a practice to run the mile under six minutes. I did it with my friend Alpha Freeman. He's from Sierra Leone. He was a gazelle. He could have ran that thing in four and a half. But I go, Papi, you got to stay with me because I need you to focus me. And he did. He ran with me and he got me through. I did it under six minutes. Then I swear to God, I told the coach, I go, I have to go to rehearsal for a theater play that I'm in.

He was like, okay. It was one of these offseason practices, so it wasn't that big of a deal. But he was like, okay, so the kid's doing theater on his off time. I didn't know what to do because the standup was so fresh and so new and I loved her. But soccer had been there my whole life and it gave me everything.

Brought you to the dance.

Brought me to the dance.

I feel so sad for soccer.

It was sad. My mom and my stepdad were very supportive about it. My dad didn't want me to do it. My dad had gone to a few tournaments and seen me play really well. I think he had that always in his mind, like, You're really good. I've seen you Excel. I don't think you should drop this for something that you're not so good at yet. But my mom and my stepdad were like, If you want to do this, we're in. Yeah. Go for it.

I think it's hard for a parent, maybe sometimes when it's like, that couldn't be further from your father's dream. But I'm sure never meeting your father, I bet he would love to be a professional soccer player. For sure. Any dude would love to be a professional athlete of any kind.

He was living it up. He had also gone with me in Dominican Republic. I came home one day when I was 14, and I was like, Dad, they're going to let me train with the national team of his country at his old high school. Oh, shit. It was this beautiful thing for him, I think. You shit all over.

He was not with it at all.

But my mom and my stepdad were with it. That's good. It was very nice.

Okay, back to Miami because I don't want to get into Ohio a lot.

I know. We have to.

What's the cultural differences between DR and Cuban? Like, difference between your mother's culture, say, in your father's?

Political stability. Dominican Republic has a past that was dark with Batista, and they've had their dark times. Cuba just is more consistently dark. They still haven't gone to a democracy. It's still a different thing over there. He has a more relaxed energy, my dad, and my mom is more rigid. Now she's cool because her daughter is doing well and her son is doing well. But when I was younger, you could tell that my mom was very concerned. She wanted safety for you. You need to be doing well. This is a woman that you are scared to show the sea, too. That's the energy of this woman. You're scared to show the sea. You're scared to not say thank you to the waitress. You're scared to not an exemplary young man because she's spooky and you don't know what she's going to do. She has powers. Yes. She talks through her teeth like this. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's beautiful.

You see my mom? I did, of course. She's gorgeous. The first thing I wrote in my notes of your standup was your mom's a babe. She's beautiful. That's literally my first note I wrote down.

She's beautiful. And she doesn't age. Well, that's because of her powers. That woman doesn't age.

That's because she's spooky. When they decided to get on board with your standup, that's a big deal for someone who wants to get straight A's. That's a big release of expectations.

I think she was giving me a little bit of a line because I was in college and I was studying and I did it.

You both got lucky in that way. Yeah. Because she was the only Indian parents that didn't tell her to become an engineer or a doctor.

Well, they wanted me to in their head, or they just really just wanted me to have some safety. I was like, I'm going to go be an actor now. They were like, Oh, no. They were not supportive at first. They were like, Don't do that. But then they had to get on board.

What are you going to do? That's nice when they get on board. Yeah, it is. But I was crying, too. With my mom, I was like, I don't think I'm going to be as on your plan anymore. My mom was like, Relax. It's okay. I think my mom also was like, You're not that good. She's realistic. This woman's realistic.

Practical.

Practical woman. The moment I think that was the fire in my butt to do this as hard as I can was I went to my coaches. My mom was like, You have to tell them. I went to my coaches, the guys that had recruited me, that had made my dream come true, that had got the scholarship and everything. It's D3. If you quit the team, you keep the scholarship because it's an academic scholarship. I had to go to them man to man, and tell them, Hey, I'm leaving the team. I wanted to stand up.

You get risqué and saying, You bet on me.

I'm bawling. It's ugly cry.

That helps, though. Where you need air. That does help. That helps huge.

Sympathy.

There was combination with them of like, All right. Also- Jesus, dude.

Just stop crying.

Yeah, right. Like, Okay, this is a lot. Then the big moment is the coach looks at me and he goes, You're going to tell the guys. I'm not going to tell the guys. You're a big boy. You're making a big decision. We have practice in an hour. Go tell the boys. I literally blacked out. I don't remember what I said. I just remember going into the locker room. All the guys are ready for practice. I can tell coach is not because I was a new guy that he was starting to play. I think I had a little bit of promise, and he's like, Hey, fellows, Marcelo has something he wants to say to you guys. I'm cleaning it up.

You love it. Monica loves crying, by the way.

My boys cry. I do. I can cry at any time, obviously.

Oh, wow.

Whenever you need me to.

Whenever you want, I'll do it. I can get it at any time. If I say a certain thing, I'll just start crying. I'll describe something and I'll be like, It's amazing. But I don't cry often. I never cry. That's why I can.

Oh, that's counterintuitive.

I never cry.

I cry all the time. I never cry. That's why I can. If you never cry, you always have one in the chamber. It's built up. I don't remember what I said. I just remember looking at them, telling them the stuff. Everybody's looking at me confused. There was one or two guys that I had told that we're like, We knew this was coming. Then it's them going to practice and saying goodbye.

Are you having second thoughts at that moment? It's like when you break up with a gal, in the next three days, you're like, Well, I fucked up. I'm completely in love with her. I'm pretty certain. You just do that, right?

That's tough because when you do that, that's love, right? You leave love and then you go, What do I do now? But with something like your career or your passion, because it was so difficult, all of those second thoughts I had, I was able to kill them by just working so hard on the standup. Every time I would be like, damn, the team is winning. I wish I was there. They're at this game. They're at this game. I wish I was there. They're going to the national tournament. I wish I could with them. I would just work super hard, do five shows, do six shows. And that's why I took any job I could in Ohio. I was doing every little room.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare, we We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking which platform you watch that new show on. So frustrating. Fifteen minutes later, you've logged into seven apps, reset two passwords, and still have Haven't found it. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Co and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by Intuit TurboTax. You know that feeling when you drop your taxes off with someone and then nothing? You're just sitting there wondering if they've even started, if there's a problem, if you're getting everything you're owed. It's like sending your car to the shop and never getting an update. That's what I appreciate about TurboTax. With TurboTax Expert Full Service, they've completely transformed that experience. You get matched with a dedicated tax expert who actually does your taxes for you. And here's the part that changes everything. You can get real-time updates on your experts' progress from start to finish.

You can literally see when they're working on your return. No more guessing, no more waiting by the phone. And if you have questions, you get unlimited help from your expert at no extra cost, even nights and weekends during tax season. They're focused on getting you the best possible outcome in every dollar you deserve.

My dad loves TurboTax, and he's a meticulous man. He doesn't cut corners.

If you're not going to trust me, trust the show. That's right. Visit turbotax. Com to get matched with a TurboTax full-service expert today. That's turbotax. Com, only available with TurboTax full-service experts. Real-time updates only on iOS mobile app. There can't be a ton of options in Cleveland. You can be surprised.

There was these guys, Bill Squire and Ramón Rivas, who were doing a bunch of local shows. Ramón knew people from New York, and that was his advice to me was, go to New York every once in a while, meet people. This guy, Jim Thuz. I don't know where Jim Thuz is. I haven't heard from him in a while, but he was a funny guy out of Cleveland that moved to New York. There was this energy of like, okay, that's where the stuff is. That's where the standup is. Then this guy, Sean Patty. You know Sean Patty? He was on the English teacher. He's the gym teacher.

Oh, love him. He's very funny. Love him. Love that show.

He gave me the big piece of advice of come to New York every season. Come once in the winter, come once in the summer, come once in the spring, come once in the fall, and make connections. Then when you move here after you graduate college, you'll have a network.

What a genius bit of advice.

I did that. I would get on a bus or on a train, and I'll go to New York.

I get on a bicycle. I get on a skateboard, I get on a roller blade. I don't give a fuck.

Get to the airport. This guy's on a motorcycle.

This guy rode a fucking surfboard.

Where's the suitcase? He traveling with the helmet. So you put the clothes. He put the boxers in the helmet. I love Sebastian, then I can't stop. But that's what happened. And then that's what gets me to SNL. It's like I'm in New York a lot.

And I want to be in New York. One last question about Miami and the Jesuits. So it's all boys school. What are you doing about girls?

Oh, man. I mean, listen. Let me tell you something. My friend, let me explain something When you are with boys all week, every single day, you're going to find the way to get to the...

At some point. Out of necessity.

I argue that we may be, especially on weekends, that's why we went out, I think so much is because we never saw girls at school. We would go out a lot. We'd go to parties, Getty's, to get together in Miami. We call them Getty's. I like that. I don't know if that's still a thing.

I want you to start a clothing line called Getty's. Getty's. I like it. It's really fun. It's like life affirming and positive.

Getty, get together with your friends. What do they call them here?

Parties.

Kickback.

Kickback?

That's the equivalent, the kickback.

I don't know that either. We don't know that.

This is Gen Z.

I've heard of a kickback. Somebody told me that the Getty is the kickback. Here, they call it the kickback. I guess we don't call it anything anymore, but you get to an age where you just let's meet at a place.

You get to an age where you stay home.

Right. That's true. One of my favorite parts of your standup, American Boy, is you're talking about the vibe in Miami where you left before you went to Ohio was the goal was roughly four guys and 6-700 girls. When you're planning a party, it's just like, where are we getting more? We need more. What do you mean there's 50 girls coming? There's four of us.

That's true.

Then you got to Ohio and what was the vibe there?

It's boys night, boys night, boys night, boys night, boys night, boys night. Boys night, boys night, boys night. Let's drink beer and watch football. I go, We're getting fat and there's no girls. It doesn't make sense.

The boys there are like, How many beers do we have? It's not the girls. It's like, Dude, six cases when there's four of us. It's just a flip. Then see, that's where I'm from, Michigan. Guys are like, Let's go to the field, and we need three cases.

I go, There's no girls in the field. Oh, yeah. They're not going to the field. You're not going to get girls to go to the field. Then in the house, you want the house to be welcoming to the girls. Sure. You want it to look nice. My boys, when we were planning something, we put the drinks together. We got a couple of stuff to look nice. Some candles? You know what I mean? Maybe. Who wanted to feel nice? If you know that the girls drink this, you want to make sure that that's there. That's thoughtful. You know what I mean? In Ohio, they go, We're going to do what we're going to do. If you guys want to be here, you can be here. You know what I mean? It's not the same. By the way, they're sweating, right? They're jumping. Of course. They're wearing a jersey with a hoodie under it. Yeah. Does that make you think that's cute? I'm at that age, and when I'm in Miami, I'm wearing this. I've been wearing this since I was 12. These guys, they don't do that. They wear a hoodie and they wear sweats A house party in Miami, you dress not...

If I had a dollar for every jersey over a hoodie that I saw, I'd be a millionaire, a bazillion. It's everybody. Girls like it, though, because girls are falling in love with these things. It's what you're used to. But I was very much confused.

Did you wear the jersey over? Were you trying to adapt?

Yeah, of course. I'm trying to figure it out. I didn't want to look very different. Then I met the Latin people. There was 12 of us in Ohio, and we would hang out. Sometimes we go out. We go to DC. I joined Model UN. I had an identity crisis. I quit soccer. I went into theater, comedy, and Model UN. I became a different guy. I'm representing Lebanon at the Model Arab League. I joined the Model Arab League. Did you know what that is? No. Model Arab League. It's like Model UN, but for the Arab League. It's like, You guys Model UN, that's interesting. Try it in the most difficult place. We're doing that. I'm representing Lebanon and Kuwait.

You guys are finding peace?

We're having meetings. I was in Environmental Affairs, which is where they put the funny people. Because the other stuff, it's too difficult. You have to know a lot. But for environmental affairs, it's very much-Off the cuff. Yeah, I won. I won. I won. I won outstanding delegates. The delegates from Kuwait, we won because Kuwait has money. So we would be like, We're going to fund this project. It's all about networking. I would want my kid to do it, honestly, because you have to meet the lady from Egypt. So I don't smoke cigarettes, right? I go to the Model Arab League. There's people that came from Egypt to do it. There's people all over the schools. Obviously, there's a lot of people that are from these countries that I want to do this, and they smoke cigarettes. It's a thing, cigarettes. You're five hours in a room, and then they give you a break for 30, 40 minutes. In that break, it's cigarette time. Everybody goes outside, so I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm banging darts with Egypt. I'm with Egypt. I'm telling her, I go, Listen, when we get back in there, I'm trying to do this big environmental project.

We have a lot of nuclear energy. There's a couple of things that we want to do. We're literally doing this crazy stuff. I thought it was so fun.

You're playing a character. You are. Yes.

How else does a kid like me that is a comedian in Cleveland, Ohio, get to flirt with a girl from Egypt? It's Model Arab League. She came from Egypt. Was she beautiful? Oh, my God. It was gorgeous. Sure. The men, too. It's a permanent can.

They're wearing good clothes, nice clothes. There are no jerseys there.

Oh, my God. At the Model Arab League, it's unbelievable. The smell, the cologne. I felt amazing in there. You're having fun. I'm telling Sudan. I go, Sudan, stick with us. We'll help. How can we help with the environmental issues? We won. It It's just me and a Guatemala guy. He's from school, and we're representing Kuwait. I thought you were representing Lebanon. We did both. Two years in a row. My mentality was, I'll go to DC, and then I can do stand-up there. I did shows when I was there. That's awesome. I was really just going crazy.

How did you handle bombing? Could you let that roll off your back?

Yeah, I'm good. Soccer is failure. What?

I thought you meant in Kuwait.

How did you deal with the bombing situation? What was the bombing strategy? What was the bombing strategy? After you guys built that nuclear reactor, were you going to carpet bomb any places?

When we got them to accept nuclear, it was crazy. There's so many people, No, we can't do that. We were like, Guys, we're going to do the nuclear. I already talked to Egypt. Egypt loves me.

Also going out to dinner with Egypt.

Talked to Saudi Arabia. There's a girl from Saudi Arabia, me and my delegate partner. We started talking to her, When you have Saudi and Qatar supporting your nuclear plan, it's going to be hard to say no. So we passed it. There's a judge lady and you're passing resolutions. Wow. Oh, my God, girl, did I pass resolutions that day? I was passing resolutions left and right. I couldn't stop.

Line up the resolutions.

Bombing in stand-up. In stand-up.

Yeah.

Stand-up is very clear when you're bombing. When I made that switch to comedy and I was really in waters I didn't know, I went to zero. In soccer, I was a guy that knows. Then in comedy, I went all the way down to truly the lowest you can be. I held on to that, and I still have it.

As we get into SNL, how big of a fan of SNL were you as a kid? Were you watching it a ton?

In my house, my parents loved politics. My mom was into watching it because of that. I think the show, for a lot of people, they love to see that cold open. They love to see what they're going to do with the candidates and stuff. My mom was also very into it because she was new at, I have a vote and it matters and you have to vote.

Being Yeah, like civic responsibility.

She liked it. But me and my sister, we would watch Disney channel and Nickelodeon. On Saturdays, because I'm at an all boys' school, you go out. Getty's. Yeah, Getty. I was at Getty.

Getty Time.

I wasn't really a lot at home to watch. My stepdad, I would watch Boardwalk Empire with him. Oh, yeah, I just started that. He was watching that type of stuff, war stuff. Then my mom, she watches, I don't even know. They watch The Housewives, and she watches all the series by herself in her on the computer. Oh, my mom, too.

Why are they always just watching something on the iPad?

In the computer in the bed.

In the bed with the computer. Yes. Why?

The computer's hot as hell on the bed. Burning her thighs. Burning the thighs. We would watch George Lopez, all of us together. That was our show. As a family. But that was a weekday thing. After we're done with everything, we'll watch the two episodes back to back, and then you go to bed.

Oh, his sitcom, not his- The sitcom.

The interview show. The sitcom.

I think it's probably good that you maybe didn't grow up with it being such a massive goal because then you would have had so much pressure.

Okay, so how did you get the audition?

I was selling tickets on the street. That was my job. I sold tickets on the street. I also sold the electricity.

I love it because you got to get the bill.

You got to get the bill, and they won't give me the bill. Okay. They don't want to give a 19-year-old the bill. I'm dressed in a suit. I'm having the time of my life.

It's a scam. It's definitely a scam.

Oh, it's a scam? I don't know if it was a scam.

When the guy says he's going to pay you in a year, it's a scam. It was a loophole. It was a loophole. Sure. Also, people don't need to sell electricity in New York City. That's not how electricity works. Yeah, I don't even get it. Think about selling water. Oh, yeah, we're selling water to your house. What the fuck are you talking about?

It's a room where this guy was like, Wolf of Wall Streeting us and being like, When I say, Bill, you say, give it to me. You know like that type of energy? We're competing with Con Ed, which is you're not going to give me a con-ed. It's just 15 of us, and none of us were good in school. It's like, Are we going to win? I don't know if we're going to win. He liked the way I talked and stuff, and I was doing stand-up and I told him, and he liked me. He's like, You have a lot of promise to bring you to dinner. Then you go to dinner with him. I never sold a thing. I never made a dollar.

You tried to get businesses to give you their entire electrical bill so that you could then circle a bunch of things and then write, Oh, we're going to save you this. Yes. Oh. Imagine cold calling Chipotle headquarters and going like, Hey, so I'm going to need your electrical bill.

We're not cold calling. We're pulling up.

You're pulling right.

I was walking around Brooklyn.

That's the best way.

Not walking on the door, walking in.

They probably didn't know that you found peace in Lebanon and Kuwait. You should have maybe led with that.

That's interesting. I should have done that. The environmental issues I could have fixed. I was selling tickets on the street in New York doing electricity during the day. My friend that you saw earlier, Santiago, we lived in a dorm for a summer. I got a scholarship from my school for theater. They awarded me a theater scholarship on top of mine because I did well in theater. My mom was like, Okay, we can take this money and we can pay for your summer in New York. I spent a summer in New York doing this electricity stuff and doing the tickets. Then when I graduated that next semester, I moved to New York. My parents helped me a little bit with rent, and I was living in this guy's apartment in the Lower East. Well, first, I lived in Bushwick for very little money, and I could afford it myself. It was bad.

What form of bad?

Like, cockroaches, and dirty, and the trash is full.

It smells everywhere. People are hitting each other all the places.

Then I leveled up a little bit to the Lower East Side with this guy. This guy was very interesting, the guy I lived with. He would drink a beer, a little bit of a beer, and then opened, put it back in the fridge. It would be opened cans of beer in the fridge. Interesting. I'm living there, I'm doing the tickets, and then the pandemic hits. That's the worst job to have when the pandemic hits, is you're standing on the street selling tickets. The streets are empty. At the I'm in Chicago staying on a friend's couch doing shows.

I got to pause you. It's insane that all of his success is post-pandemic.

That is wild.

It feels five minutes ago.

I know, but it's been a while.

It's not. You're on six years.

Pandemic hits. I have no money. I have $800 to my name. I take it to Miami. My mom makes me fly to Miami. I fly to Miami with all my stuff. I move back in with my mom. I give her $800. She goes, That's nice. I'm just living with her, and I have a full mental situation. I go mental. I'm moping around the house. I'm not helping. I am obsessed with COVID. I'm obsessed. I'm spraying everybody. My mom gets back from the supermarket. You got to get naked. Give me the clothes. Give me the clothes. You're doing undies. Give me the clothes. I'm throwing it in the wash. You and my sister, they hate me. These two hate me. It's us three in the house. I'm spraying them. My stepdad is in Puerto Rico. He's working there at the time. I'm just spraying I'm going to get the crap out of them all day long. I'm spraying everything. I'm spraying my sister. I'm spraying my hands. My hands are dry from all the sanitizer.

You were unraveling.

I'm a real nightmare. My mom makes me get a job. That's when I get a headset sales job. I'm calling people 65 and over and telling them that through their Medicare, I'm able to take their medications out of CVS and do a home delivery at no additional cost to their insurance. That's right.

Sold. You're working with an assassin, a gal that's clearing six figures.

She's unbelievable, Jamila. I'm thinking Jamila is on the phone going, Good evening. How are you doing today? Absolutely not. She goes, Hello, I am Jamila, calling on behalf of the health center. I am here to reach out.

That sounds official. That's smart.

That was her move. I was trying to do, Hey. Wine and dine them. They don't want that. No. Really? They think you're scamming them.

When you're old and you're in Florida, your phone's ringing every 30 seconds with someone trying to rip you off. Let's be honest.

I'm calling Florida. If I wake up late for work, then that means I stay 2 hours later. I call Texas because they're a couple hours behind, and I'm calling LA and Colorado late night. You I'm 7: 00 PM in Miami calling Colorado. Middle of dinner?

That's tricky.

Middle of dinner. With my headset, I'm doing the thing. I'm in my mom's house doing that. I was making 1,100 bucks every two weeks.

Great. But it was keeping you distracted. You stopped spraying everyone.

My mom is loving when I'm working. But it took up a couple of months. She was so mad at me for those months. I was a nightmare in the house. Then she's like, Finally, you got a job. She bought me a desk. She goes, I'm so excited. She bought me a desk. She's like, You can sit in the desk in the house and do the job. She works from home. She's talking. I have the doors closed in this little room, and she's opening the door going, What did you sell? This is when I start to have a real panic of, I'm not a comedian anymore. What is happening to me? It's horrible. I don't want to do this my whole life. I start making these horrible little videos with a little tripod in her house with a horrible mic, and I still have them. I have them saved, these horrible little videos. They're not doing well, obviously. Then I do one video that is things in Spanish sound better than in English, and it does a little bit better. People like it. Then I'm still in panic about the COVID and my mom and we're getting into this big stuff because my mom and my sister are there in Miami, and they want to go to lunch.

I mean, you can't do that.

There was a lot of fights about this at that time.

They go to lunch, and then I don't want to talk to them. I go, You're disrespecting before you. You want to kill everybody. I moved to my dad's house in Miami because he is out and about all day, but it's just us in the house. I feel like, you know what I mean? More manageable. I feel more manageable. I have this protective thing about my mom and my sister, where with I'm like, We're just a couple of guys. I move in with him doing the sales, and then I step up the videos a little bit in his house. I get a ring light, I get a camera, I get a microphone. I teach myself to edit on Adobe Premiere. Now the videos are stepping up. I'm waking up before work. I'm jumping rope in underwear, playing music in his backyard. The neighbor said, I got to stop doing that because his kid is watching me in the underwear. He doesn't like that. The music's too loud and it's too early. It's 07: 00 AM. I'm jumping around. I'm waking up, I'm jumping rope. First, I'm writing for an hour. I'm doing the morning pages. I did the three pages stream of consciousness.

I'm writing every single day. Then on Friday, I'm going to my buddy geo's house. We're smoking pot. I don't smoke pot anymore, but we're smoking pot back then. Yeah, great. I'm smoking pot with him. I'm telling him all the jokes, and then he's telling me what he thinks. Then we find the one for this week, I go home, I film it, I edit it myself, and I put it out. I think video number four went crazy viral. Like millions of views on TikTok. What was the premise of the video? I use an accent when I feel uncomfortable. If I go to a supermarket and I don't know where the ketchup is, I can go up to someone and go, Hey, where's the ketchup? They go, What the hell? I'm going to find it. But if I go into the supermarket and I go, Excuse me, do you know where is the cachun?

How do you say?

For the papitas. Then they go, Oh, yes, we'd love to help you. I did that and that went crazy. I did a part two. That was back when you're learning that, Okay, do the same thing Then I did a bunch of these videos. I think it was an earlier video that happened, which was I hate the club. I don't miss the club. The club is the Money Olympics. It's a bunch of people rooting for you to make a financially irresponsible decision. Yes. I make that video, and Miami people really like it. Then I get a call from a girl that I knew from Getty's, and she goes, I'm working with this Instagram account in Miami. Do you think that you could do a meeting and do some content for them? I'm like, I would love to. I do the meeting, I tell them I would do the videos for them, and I go, and there's one idea I have, but if I tell you the idea, you have to let me do it. You can't take my idea and give it to someone else. The guy is like, Okay, whatever. Then I go, You know how Dave Portnoy tries pizza?

We're in Miami. I would like to go to all of the best cafeterias and try I'm like, I'm going to try croquettas. The guy, he loved it. He goes, That's an idea. He did that. He smacked the guy. He smacked the guy. That's when I knew I had it.

He smacked the guy. Classic.

He smacks the guy. I'm like, Okay, I got him. I I start making these videos for them. The people hate me on the account. My mom makes an Instagram for her dog and starts responding to the people. Sure. The whole thing. But now I have a job. I'm working the two jobs at the same time. Then I tell the guy, I go, You got to give me 500 bucks a week so I can quit my other job. He goes, Fine, but you're going to have to be the creative director of the whole page. Now I'm literally doing everything for the page. I'm up 24 hours a day. I'm updating the stories. I'm doing an ad with Headquarter Toyota. I'm going to Toyota. I'm figuring out the ad. I'm producing the ad. I'm writing the line. This is great. Doing all of this.

This is a great way to learn everything.

Exactly. I'm learning as I go, pretending like I know what I'm doing. It's powerful. Then at this time, this comedian, Tim Dylan, he says he's going to Miami, and I had met him in passing in New York, and I sent him a DM. I go, I see you're in Miami. I work for this account. We've met before. Do you mind if I open for you? And he said, I don't care. Then I took that to the club and I go, He doesn't care. Come on, let me do it. They let me do it. Then Tim goes, Why don't we go on the road?

I I don't care.

Great. Now I'm touring with him, living in Miami, making 500 bucks a week, 2,000 bucks a month. My cousin is also living in Miami. He goes, Why don't we move into an apartment together? I go, That sounds like fun. We move it into an apartment together. I'm paying 1,000 bucks in rent. We have this nice little apartment in Miami. Now I'm like, Okay, I moved out. I have a thing now. This is going great. Now I'm working that job full-time. At the same time, I figure out that this other guy I knew was working on a YouTube channel. I go, Let me write for you at the YouTube channel. He I'll see what I can do. They start giving me 200 bucks per video that I did with him. Now I'm driving up to Boca to do that with him once a week, writing with him for four or five hours for 200 bucks. Now I'm making a little bit of money on the road. Then I find another guy at this comedy show, and he's like, I want to do standup, and I go, Let me write your standup. I'll help you write your standup.

We'll sit down, I'll interview you. He's a rich guy. He had just sold his company, and he wants to do standup. I go, I'll sit down with you in your apartment. I'll write down stuff that I think is interesting about you. We'll make you some jokes. He's giving me 200 bucks as well. Now I'm 200 You're building a quilt out of 200 bucks. Then at the same time, I start opening for this guy, Mark Vieira, this Puerto Rican comic. He's taking me on the road a little bit. Then at the same time, Gilbert Godfried, I get hit up through a friend of a friend to open for Gilbert. Now I'm opening for a few guys. He's doing stand-up in Miami, traveling a bit. Tim Dylan tells me, If you don't move back to New York, I can't keep you as my guy because I need you to be working. I need you to be active. In Miami, there's just not enough. When he tells me that, I'm like, All right, I have to figure it out. Thank God, I have another friend that I call and I'm like, Hey, man, are you thinking about going to New York?

He goes, You know what? I am. He has family money, and he's a very close friend of mine. Then he starts sending me apartments, and I'm like, Oh, no.

Oh, no. I can't do that.

He says he keeps going, We'll figure it out. Then I'm like, No, you don't understand. We're at two very different places in our life. Ultimately, he lets me pay him very little money to sleep in his house for one year in New York. I moved to New York. From New York, I'm doing the Zoom Zooms with the guy to write the stuff for 200 bucks. I'm doing the Zooms with the other guy to write the stuff for 200 bucks. I'm doing my videos from my bathroom because people can't know I'm not in Miami because I'm doing a weekly news video about Miami, and those videos start to take off. I do it on the toilet. I sit on the toilet. I thought that would be interesting. Sure. People start to like the videos and it's going better. Then every night, I'm doing five, six shows in New York. Hosting is the easiest thing to get if you want to because nobody wants to host. I'm like, I'll host every single show. I'm hosting all these shows. Then Just for laughs comes over to New York. During this year. The club goes, You've been hosting so much.

We want to put you into audition. Wow. They put me down to audition. I audition for JFL. I get the callback. I get JFL, which is a huge moment in my life. I go to Canada for JFL. This is towards the end of the year. I'm figuring out what am I going to do when my rich friend doesn't let me slay on his couch anymore. I'm going to go back to Bushwick. I go to JFL, I go to Canada at JFL. I finish my six-minute set and I meet a producer from SNL. They go, We love your set. I go, Fantastic. Thank you. I I'm not ready for this. Panic, panic, panic. Then they go, We'd like to see you in audition in New York. I auditioned in, I think it was UCB. Then a few weeks after that, I got a call back. My buddy's like, We have the apartment till August. This is just when all this is going down, and I go, You got to extend the lease. You can't do this to me right now. He did it. He's just helping me, and I'm very grateful for him. My boy Cole.

I was at his wedding. I spoke and everything. I love this guy, my sponsor. I do this thing at the UCB. I call my mom after. She goes, How did it go? I go, I don't know, mama. My mom's freaking out. My mom starts smoking cigarettes. I'm going back to soccer, mom. I'm freaking out. Then I get a call back to go to the studio. I go to the studio and do it.

I've heard you retell it in zero laughs, right?

Yeah, zero laugh. I might have heard a cough. It could have been a laugh. It sounded like a cough.

Then you asked someone else who had auditioned, Did they laugh? They're like, Yeah. What could be scarier? That's scary. At no point during it where you're like, I think I got a good shot.

No. Then I get called back again for meetings with the writers where you and you talk to the writers. They're like, What do you want to do here? I'm like, I do the Latin stuff. They're like, Okay. Then I have those meetings. Then after the meetings, they sit you down in this room, the people that were all called in for the meetings. It's me, Devon Walker, Michael Longfellow, Molly Carny, and Chloe Trost. Then they call one of us in to meet with Lauren. Devon was first. I'll never forget it. Devon goes in, talks to Lauren, comes out, and we go, So? He goes, I got it. Wow.

We're like, God. He tells you, This is amazing. You got it, dude. This is amazing.

We're freaking out. But also are you like, Well, fuck.

There goes one slot.

You have to. You feel like the slots are.

They are finite.

We're hugging him. We're like, It's amazing. He's like, All right, guys, bye. We're like, Okay, bye. He leaves. Now it's four of us. I'm drawing. I'll never forget. I was I'm both. I was so nervous. Then I go in, we just start talking about the show and what do you love from the show and all this stuff. Then he doesn't give me truly the feeling that I got it. It wasn't clear. He didn't say, I'll see you soon, see you in a bit. It was like, Okay, nice to meet you. Then I come out and they're like, So? I'm like, You know I don't know. Then I walk out and I call my mom and she's like, Do you get it? I go, I don't know, mom. I have no idea. She's like, Oh, my God, Marcelo, these people. They don't tell us anything. Then a couple of weeks go by and you get the call where it's all your agents. It's either yes or no. They're offering you a spot on the cast. Did you cry? Yeah, I cried. I called my mom, I cried.

Was your mom so happy?

Yeah. I mean, a job. She loves it when I get a job.

Of course. But that's specifically.

That's it. That's the story.

Great story. Okay, your standup, which I watched, American Boy.

Did you enjoy it, Doc?

So much. I watched it with my whole family, and we all fucking loved it.

You can watch it with the family.

Well, my family, you can. Kids can watch it. Eleven and twelve, they were fine. There's nothing crazy. No, it wasn't nasty. There was nothing.

There was no cursing, really.

There's some sexual dancing. A little bit of dance.

Can't dance now.

What did you call it? Not nasty, griny, filthy?

Don't make me get nasty.

Yeah. I mean, there's so many wonderful things I want to talk about from the standup, but also I don't want to ruin any of it. But the whole party scenario was fantastic. Thank you, man. Let me be clear. It's wonderful. You're very specific. You're very unique. You know exactly what you are.

Are you sensing a butt coming?

Yeah. But I think it's going to be a good It is.

I just want to be very clear before I get into my curiosities that are how the sausage is made. Without saying just straight loved it.

Took me a long time to make it.

First of all, just visually, it's a throwback one, which I love. There's just so many stand-up specials now, unlike there was 15 years ago, we didn't have these. I think to break through that clutter and have something unique to offer is just an enormous accomplishment. It's just very authentic and you're very comfortable and fluid and it's lovely. You talk so much about getting hit. A bit, yeah. Yeah, a bit.

Getting hit.

Growing up, getting slapped, getting your ear pulled, getting taken into what he calls the Coliseum, the bathroom of the Macy's or where the fuck mom's shopping. I love it because A, I grew up that way, too. Everyone got hit. My grandparents who loved me and raised me, she had a yardstick. She was from Kentucky, and she's like, I'm getting a yardstick, and she'd hit you with a three-foot piece of wood.

And never to hurt. I wasn't beat. Exactly. And that's wrong. Yes.

You say it perfectly. You say, I was hit a lot, but never hard.

Exactly. I was never hit hard. I was hit a lot.

That's it. This was my thought. This stand-up routine existed, and then they had the thought, a lot of people were not hit. A lot of people are uncomfortable with this.

Yes.

But this magic trick happened, which is you are introduced by your mother, you come out on stage, we see this impossibly beautiful relationship. The best. They dance together. It's so beautiful. I was like, someone figured out, if we start the show this way, we can enjoy all this stuff without being uncomfortable. Did that math happen? No. It didn't. That just organically happened.

I just wanted, yeah.

It's an enormous tool.

I didn't even think about that. But for me, the reason I did that is because for a long time, my grades weren't the best, and I was never this exemplary child, and she worked so hard. My mom, as a person, is truly an example. Someone that is moral, that takes care of her family, that is nice to people, that is respectful, gives her time back. She's just a beautiful human being, and she went through a lot of really dark stuff, and she communicated that to me quite a bit. I know this stuff. Anytime. Anytime, maybe she could. When you grow up like that and then something good happens to you and you feel like you've made it, the first thing that That has come to my mind all the time, whenever I'm doing an interview or somebody's asking me, all I can think of is like, I can't believe that she gets to see this. Having her out, I mean, she's done commercials with me. She's been on Fallon. She's done a lot of stuff. To me, it's just like, You deserve this thing. If I was a car salesman, I'd buy her a car.

I do those types of things. You do whatever you can with what you're doing. Because I'm doing show business-You're bringing her along? Exactly. Her introducing me was also because it's like, you should take a look at her and you should see how we are because I'm going to talk about her a lot. It'd be weird if I'm talking about her and it's like, where is she? There's no reference.

Exactly.

You're worrying. You have this natural fear like, Is she cool with him saying this? Exactly. That's what I'm saying, the magic trick, which is uncalculated.

You think about it, you go, who's going to bring you out? We're going to do a voice of God. Is the host going to do it? Who's going to bring you out? I'm like, oh, that's easy. It's like the first thing in my mind. It goes, oh, that's easy. Mom will go out and do it. I know her. I know her personality. I know she's going to come She went out like this.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

When you go sleep at a friend's house and they drop you back off and your mom comes out and she goes, Hi, good to see you. Thank you. Thank you for bringing him back. Then the mom of your friend goes, He's a great kid. My mom is the mom where they go, He's a fantastic kid, and she goes, Yeah, I'm sure. Come in the house. That was the energy always. I know him. Exactly. I always had the thing of I know every football player's name, I know every baseball player's name, I know every soccer player's name, but I didn't know my times tables. I did bad in math. She always had that thing where you go out to dinner and we're with another couple or something. I'm talking to the husband, and I'm like, Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, Jake Delome in Carolina, what he's doing with that program is unbelievable. I mean, he's really playing well over there. Nazer Muhammad and Steve Smith. I mean, they're just a great wide receiver core. It's unbelievable the way that they're able to make both of them happy when they have such talent. I'm bringing up all this stuff.

I'm like, Brian Erlacher is just a leader of men. I'm talking like that at 12: 13. Then at some point, she goes, You know all of that about seven times nine? I'm like, Okay. That was the vibe with her. I got a detention all the time, and she worked all day. If I got detention and I missed the bus home, she was like, I'm picking you up at eight o'clock at night. That's just what it is. Yeah, you made your bed. Many a time, a stress that this woman that has been through so much did not need. She shouldn't be worrying about my grades. I have nothing to worry about. I have a home, I have food, I have water. There's no reason I should be getting bad grades or putting her through. The dean of my school calling her, telling her that I cheated on a test or that I started a riot or whatever the stuff, stupid stuff. I did start one riot, but I never got in trouble for it. A lot of people will know, but it's okay. It was a riot, but we put it in a contained space. I always felt like, damn, dude, I stressed this woman out so much for so much time, and now I get to do the opposite.

I give her good experiences. I talk about her fondly. I want to do the opposite now. We had a lady that my mom hired, this woman that was back then an illegal immigrant. There's nothing you can do about her now. She's a citizen. But she lived in my house and my mom traveled a lot for work, so someone had to stay with us. I remember vividly those nights when I'm being a psychopath and this woman has to call my mom, who's in Belgium, working her ass off so her kids can go to school and everything can be fine. We can live the life that she wants us to live. She's like, Your son is being very difficult. You won't drink the milk. She's When I get back there, I had a lot of those.

Tell him to enjoy his ears because I'm twisting them off the second.

So many of those.

But listen, if you weren't that kid, you wouldn't be this person. You wouldn't be this person on stage. You wouldn't be someone at us. It's all one thing.

I was telling my boy the day because my boy, Santee, he's a star. He went to Brown.

He's a stud.

Water polo player, division one, player of the year. Okay? Wow. He's in a different level. Played for the Peruvian for real. I trained one time with my national team, and it's Dominican Republic. He played for Peru. You understand? He was a savage. He's incredible. He won state championships. He was an unbelievable player. Stanford was recruiting, and his mom was always so nice to him. His mom would pack his bags. He goes, I'm going on a trip, she'll pack the bag. This kid, he came to LA, he didn't bring pants. He brought one pair of pants. The pants just got here today via Fedex. Do you understand? That he's a star.

And he's almost 30, right?

And he's almost 30. He's my best friend. I know my mom was always like, It's there. He had perfect grades. He's studying. He's doing all his homework. I'm not studying. I'm showing up late. I'm doing the whole thing wrong, and he's doing everything great. Then I realized, I'm like, The reason that my mom never packed my bags or didn't do random acts of kindness for me is because I didn't deserve them. It's like, you have to deserve it. That's something that's lost in today's America. You have to earn it. You You have to deserve it. Looking back when I was like, damn, bro, you tell your mom you're hungry and something appears. I think that's unbelievable. It's not because my mom doesn't… It's not because my mom is weird.

Or he says he's hungry and she says, What are you in the mood for? Stuff like that. Can you imagine?

There's options? There's snacks. I mean, there's a different energy when you are a star. If I was a star when I was a kid-You would have been treated like one. I would have been treated like one. That's a good point. If you're a kid out there and you're not being treated like a star, you're getting what you deserve.

There's a reason.

Oh, my God. Now I understand it. Every time I've sipped this tea, it's at the perfect temperature, and it doesn't get cold. I go, What's going on here?

What voodoo. The coaster is heating. Well, you can take it off. The coaster charges the battery within the cup, and then you can keep that I've never been home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Max Sheppard. Isn't that great?

It's high quality here.

There's a level in Hollywood that you get to that it's unbelievable. This is what I'm talking about. I know. I'm sorry. No, You were saying.

I'm of two minds because what's funny is now I'm in the different category, which is now I have money and I'm raising kids and I have money and I have privilege and all these things. Yeah, I'm not hitting my kids and I'm talking with them. I have the time and patience and I'm not stressed.

It's a different thing.

I'm with that. I value the shit out of how I grew up.

Also, I think it's important to say that there's a way to hit them without hitting them.

Yeah, you know what I mean? Sure. Without anger.

My mom didn't hit me my whole life. There was a specific couple of years. It wasn't this long long term thing. Parents don't like it. It gets weird. No, I know. It gets weird, especially when you're fast. Once the kid gets fast, you're chasing. You don't want your kid to run away. It's a metaphor. I never was like, I have a bruise. That's so wrong and bad. It's always the fact that it got physical in any way, any tiny way. It's a different thing. One time, and I don't talk about this on the special, but one time, I was on my mom's computer in her office, and she thought I was playing on the computer. I was doing my homework. I might have been playing, but I switched it up at the right time. When she came in, she goes, What are you doing on my computer? I go, Look. She looks, she sees it, and she goes, Mm-hmm. Okay. She walks away, and I go, Yeah, that's right.

Uh-uh.

Let's just say she tickled me in a way.

I haven't yet forgotten.

It was not enjoyable. But those are important moments to have as a kid because I am a thank you, please stickler, and I'm so proud of that. My stepdad is a very generous man. My stepdad is always the extra tip, what's your name?

He gives respect to people.

He give respect. I think that those are things that you want to do for the kid because then they get proud of it. I'm proud of it. I tell my friends, if you're hanging out with me and you don't say, please, I go, Come on, what the fun? I know. I find it fun. Me too. That's why I'm excited to have kids that cannot wait to go, Are you out of your mind? I think that's fun. It's like, remember when you were little and you would see a teacher and she would go, If you can hear me clap once. Everybody goes, I saw that, and I go, That's fun. To control, to have the power. It's fun. I wanted to be a teacher, to be like, You're mine. Whatever I say, I do. I think that's part of the standup thing. It's like, I want these people to listen to me. Of course. Give me a moment.

You have control of the scenario.

Yeah, I like that.

But what's happening in this subtext, what's fun about it is it caused a lot of conversation post watching where I was like, You know the thing I think is being somewhat poked at here? Not explicitly, again, but I look at Anna, and this girl's on a Zoom call with her entire family, like 30 members of her family, and they party over Zoom. It's the cuteest thing in the world. Some are in Spain, some are here. The closeness, the emotions that are on display, all of it to say is like, there is this elite problem in this country. We call it white in general, but that's too generic. It's some percentage of this white world.

White people come in every color. You don't have to be white to be white.

I get what you mean.

In some ways. Obviously, you can't change your skin tone. I have a lot of white friends. I want to say that.

I haven't seen any, but that's fine.

I'll believe it when I see it. Some of my best friends. But I think there is an issue in this country, and it's infecting politics, and it's infecting how people are voting. It's really this elitism that is a problem. It's these fucking six-generation people, and they know everything, and science proved it, and academia proved it, and this is how you raise your kids, and this is how you do everything. It's like, Okay, well, What's the result of that? Sometimes it's really good, but of all the people that you're saying are raising their kids wrong, why is it that at every fucking Christmas, all 40 of them are there and no one wants to be with their parents? There is no extended family. What are the results of all this? Whether you're saying it explicitly or not, it's very there and it was hitting me.

I think a big thing is it's important in my mind, not that I know anything about having kids, but I think it's important for you to show the kids that when they do wrong, it affects you. For me, over my life, whenever I did something bad or wrong, my mom was never okay. It was never fine. It was never like, It happens. I think that's a big problem. It shouldn't be okay. It's okay for it to not be okay. To the extent that you want to do it is up to you, to your family. But I do think it's really, really important to show the kids that when you do something bad or wrong, it affects you, it hurts you, it doesn't make you feel good.

You're not an island. You're affecting everyone around you. She wants you to be responsible for what you're doing in the world. The outcome is yours.

I wrote it a thousand times on a paper. I will be responsible for my actions. When I stepped out, we used to do lines. You're going to do lines. Time to do lines. I would do lines. I will be responsible for my actions. I probably did that specific sentence on three or four occasions on a million pages.

Now, Now, has that backfired at all? Do you think you're too much of a people pleaser?

Perhaps, but also I am a big accountability guy. I am a big, that was bad. I did a bad thing. That was wrong, and I'm wrong. I'm proud of that. Yeah.

Then you get very, very with a loose grip, you get into immigration in this very wonderful way.

Thank you. Adios mio.

I can't say because I don't want to give away the ending, but I just love the movies.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's so fucking good because when white people I think Chris Rock had a joke about it. Some Black comedian had a joke about that. He's like, getting in an elevator with a White guy. He might be tiny and stuff, but he might also eat people. The fear you have.

Exactly. He's like, Does this dude eat people? White people are curious. They're curious.

Some of us are fucking kinky.

There is. To me, it was just like, dude, I never was a kid that was worried about politics. My parents never let me go there. My parents always made me think about what's in front of you. It's your day to day. That's our passion. What are you working on? How are you making money? How are you surviving? And that stays my main focus. I really don't get into it.

Again, not to be dismissive, but it's like a luxury to be worrying about all this other shit that's outside of your entire world.

I said this one time because I always thought about my dad and about my mom and about how they reacted to my problems. I don't know if I came up with this or someone helped me come up with it, but it helped me understand them and accept them in a beautiful way. I've said it to myself a million times, and it is this, you cannot expect from a person that comes from extreme circumstances a moderate response. You cannot expect A moderate response from someone that comes from something extreme. It's not that they can't do it, it's that you can't expect it. Right. So anybody in the world that says something crazy, the trumps of the world, and on the other side, the people that are going hard, everybody's going hard. When I hear something that is striking from anybody, from either side, I immediately go, they probably come from an extreme thing. And that's why they're saying extreme stuff. That's generous. Saying it's generous, it's like, I'm doing it for them? No, I'm doing it for me. Yes, now I know. I say that so that I can calm down. Exactly.

So it doesn't make you outright.

I don't expect you to be moderate. I don't expect you to be this perfectly eloquent or or well-mannered or politically correct person because I know where you come from.

Yeah, this was my defense of TI. He got in trouble, and I don't like what he said. He was like, you're going to go to the doctor and make sure his daughter's hymen is intact. And this was a huge uproar. And I was like, yeah, that's rough. I don't think that should happen. Sure. But You're also talking about a guy whose mother was a prostitute and was supporting the family at nine years old. He went through a lot. So guess what? He may have come up about 55 fucking levels. And you came up 0. 5 from this great house, and then you're in judgment of that guy. Fuck you.

I'm not about judgment. It's not healthy.

And to your point, there's this great book, The Body Keeps the Score. Maybe you've heard about that book. But this doctor's work starts because he's working when he's young in the VA hospital, and he's watching these vets come in, and they're getting confronted with something that's just a little difficult, like it's paperwork. And he's watching people have this insane fight or fight reaction, full 180 heartbeat per minute, unraveling. And he goes, Man, something's going on. That's like a crazy reaction from my point of view to that. Why is that happening? It's like, Well, fuck, you just left Vietnam. You're heightened and you're going to stay heightened. You can't expect it to be chill.

Yeah. My stepdad, the same thing. My stepdad went through everything he went through. When I was younger, I was like, Damn, this guy's up tight. This guy's high strong. What's going on with this guy? And my mom's high strong. This guy runs hot. You know what I mean? What the heck? My dad says crazy stuff. I'm like, What the heck is up with these people? Then I get a little bit older and I think about that and it calmed me down. As soon as I I'm not thinking about that, about not expecting it, and then I apply that to everyone I meet, and then I get to be calm. I affect myself. I think crazy stuff, and then I go, damn. But when other people do it, I go, you come from a thing.

Okay, this is my last question in It's because I'm newly obsessed with her through my daughter, thank God. I went and saw Sabrina Carpenter a month ago with my daughter. I just love her. Monica has been making fun of me. I think Short and Sweet came out a month ago, and I'm just obsessed with the.

I was like, You know it's been out for a day. I think she did another one.

No way.

There's another one since then actually out.

So you're pals with her. Are you pals?

Yeah, I would say we're pals for sure.

How did that start?

The Domingo thing. I don't know if there was something before the Domingo thing. I don't know if she was on the show or if we did something, but the Domingo thing was big. She was all about it, and it was so cool. It felt for me like I was on that plane to LA after SNL. It was on a Sunday after SNL. It feels very Hollywood Wood. The writers, of course, I'll shout out the writers, too, because I love to shout out the writers. Kiero Sullivan, Jimmy Fowley, Suti Green, and Ali Levitan. They all came with me from New York to LA to the forum. Now, to 14, 15,000 people were thinking about what I'm going to say, what the bit's going to be. It's so fun. My best friend Santee came, and his girlfriend came, too. Now, his fiance. Congratulations to Santee. Of course, a guy like that gets married.

Of course.

A guy like that has to get married. But it was insane. It felt old-school in the sense that a character from a TV show, you want to see them in another place. Yeah. Truly an unreal experience. And Sabrina's really down to clown. She's down to think of something funny. She's an actress, obviously.

That's why I become obsessed with her because she was hosting SNL. And of course, my daughters are so excited, so I watch it with her and I'm like, My God, she's fantastic. And then while we're watching the episode, I'm now Wikipediaing her. I'm like, Oh, right. She was an actor on Disney forever. She was an actor before she was a singer. Of course, she's great. I'm having all these realizations.

They're so The young actors, Sabrina, Ariana. Yeah. They do it all.

Keenan.

Yeah. Watching them at a cold read, they're great because they've been doing it for so long.

Now, if I'm you, again, I'm 28, I'm going to try to date her with all my might. Are you not trying your hardest to marry her?

I'm in a relationship with a Dominican girl. She's an architect. Oh, an architect. She's unreal. She went to Yale. Oh, wow. All right. But Sabrina's awesome. She's really funny and cool. She's great.

Marcelo, I really like you. This is great.

You're adorable. I think this is my first one.

I feel very honored.

Me too.

My first one since everything happened.

We're going to count it. We're going to say first one.

It's your first. Okay. American Boy is on Netflix. Yes. Please watch it. It's hysterical. Also, I'm so excited to learn that you did a movie with Kevin Har. You're doing it right now, 72 hours?

Yeah, we filmed it already. It'll be out in July.

Is that a nod to 48 Hours? Is it a similar concept?

No, it's more in the world of... It's a bro bachelor party situation.

Okay. I wish we could combine those words somehow, a bro bachelor.

Brochler.

Brochler.

Brochler Party? That doesn't work. We'll get there. We'll work on it before the film comes out.

Bachelor is a little bit formal for what happens at those. That's right.

That is correct. It's like your nephew's speaking English. Exactly. Okay, this was delightful. Thank you for the gift. Dude, are you crazy? Everyone watched American boy. I can't wait to wear my new clothes.

I'm so excited. Went to Marshall's, bro.

Old I have a very strong feeling we'll do this many times. I hope so, dude.

This is fun. I like this.

Thank you. Be good. I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. I have so much to report.

Let's hear.

Well, I went home to Detroit, Michigan. Cute sweatshirt. Thank you.

This is one of our thousandth episode merch items. It is really cute. I love it. I I'll show the back. Okay, yeah. Show everyone the back. Because the back is important.

Oh, that's super cute. I hadn't even seen that cherry with a bazillion names inside the cherries. That's great. Your cascading hair did block a good deal of it, but I think that enhances the- The mystery? Thrill of trying to see it.

All of our guests' names are on there. That's cool.

So I went home on a Wednesday, and it was when I landed, we just landed on ice and snow, and it looked like Fargo out the window. Ton of snow. Yeah. I traveled light. I had a backpack and a roll on. Get in the car with my friend Jonathan.

I love Pony.

Shout out. He's so young. I keep forgetting how young he is. He's younger than you.

He's not that young.

He's 35. Yeah, that's not- He's pretty young. He's like...

He's my boss. He's a kid, and I think another kid on the way.

Yeah, he's my boss, though. Anyways, I get to the hotel at 10: 30 PM, and I think, I'm going to go to Lafayette, Coney Island, and get a couple of chili dogs, maybe a loose burger and some fries before I hit the hay.

What's a loose burger?

It's ground beef on a hot dog bun and then covered in the chili sauce, onions and a mustard.

Okay, and tell me how that's different than the Coney.

The Coney has a hot dog in it with the chili all over it.

Oh, it's just without the hot dog.

And ground beef, called a loose burger. Imagine that the burger is not a patty, it's loose. But it's on a hot dog bun. It's very fun, loose burger. That's what my mom always gets. My mom doesn't fuck with hot dogs.

She doesn't trust them. Now, does the Coney sauce also have beef? It does, right?

Ground beef, yeah. Bief on beef on beef. Okay. That's what's always the goal.

I just wanted to get it straight.

It also It's like I had sent my brother and sister and mom a picture, and they were... Someone pointed out people really rage, but you're not supposed to put ketchup on them. Which makes no sense because you put ketchup on everything like ground beefs in. You know, like a hamburger. Like a burger.

But the scone, the chili sauce.

But then you also put ketchup on a hot dog. No one's freaking about that.

It's the chili that you don't put ketchup on. I know. I'm with them on that.

So as it turns out, I am staying almost directly across the apartment I lived at in Detroit.

Okay, yeah, that's fun.

And I'm sure I've told enough stories on here, what the vibe was in 94 when I was there. So before I go, I think, okay, I've got to take about $24 box and put it in my left pocket without any of the credit cards I need and care about, but I need to put one dummy credit card in there so that if I get mugged, I can hand them all that stuff. It'll look like that's my shit. And then I've hidden my rest of my money in my normal credit card that I would not want to lose elsewhere on my body. This was standard operating procedure, SOP, when we lived there. That's what you had to do. So I go through all this work of getting myself situated to get mugged, right? Yeah. Because unlike in my 20s, where I was willing to fight over the money, I'm no longer willing to fight over the money. So I'm just going to hand it over, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay. Also, there's four inches of fresh powder. So it's so dreamy outside. I'm like, I start walking.

What time is it?

Now it's about 10: 45 at night.

Okay, really late.

Late. And I walk across the street, and I'm directly in front of the apartment on Griswold, where there's this little park. And again, I'm like, I'm peeping everywhere. Who's going to roll up on me? And the first The thing I come up to is a very frail, 60-year-old man, white man, walking two pugs in sweaters. Sure.

Not what you expected. I'm like, This guy would not have lasted 11 minutes out on this street in 1994.

He would have been relieved of the dogs in his wallet, for sure, if not killed. Dogs, too? I don't know. Who knows? Maybe someone's girlfriend would want a dog. They were cute. They were in sweaters. As I'm going up to my favorite at Chilly Dog place, there's two cars out front just running because it's so cold out. Whoever's eating inside just leaving their car running so the heat's on. Then I go inside and I eat and I just sit there watching there's two cars running. I mean, Monica, this is inconceivable.

Yeah. Times change. Inconceivable. Places change.

They change. I did not see this coming. I couldn't have been happier for the city of Detroit. I'm like, I could have fucking kept all my money in my left pocket, and I could have held my phone. And then as I'm walking back to the hotel, there's a goddamn Gucci store next to the hotel. Yeah, that's right. Now my mind is exploding. I'm like, What has happened down here? I mean, this is the ultimate glow up I've ever seen. Yeah. Couldn't believe it. Then I get into my room. It's gorgeous. The Chinola Hotel. I'm like, Oh, my God, there's a gorgeous hotel now in downtown Detroit. That's great. I get back to the room. I don't know what it is, 11: 30 at night now. I also have a commitment in the morning at 11: 00 AM, which is totally fine. I'm going to be fine for sleep. And then I'm hanging in the room for a little bit, and then I think of something I want out of my backpack, I go to get my backpack. I don't have my backpack. And I'm like, Oh, that's rough. I panicked on it, too, for about 10 minutes, I started thinking like, Okay, well, I do remember bringing it to that car.

Okay, so I was left in that car. Where do we find this guy? The guy already said that the car services were fucking overwhelmed because of the snow and everything else, and they have to get back to the airport. They're going to be whatever. Then I remember, I have brought my memoir with me so that I can write in it. I know. I really probably shouldn't travel with it.

Yeah, you can't.

Then my journal's in there, too. I'm like, Oh, my. I'm so devastated at the thought that... Because I have one of the four books I've written in a notebook, and I'm towards the end of that notebook. I'm like, If I lose 90 handwritten pages, I don't even remember what I covered in that section. I'm so devastated that I'm like, I don't know that I would resume writing it. I think I would be like, I can't possibly rewrite the 90 pages I lost and blah, blah, blah. So I am really now fucking panicked. And we get a hold of the driver, but only in as much as the driver says, I'm with somebody.

They're reading a really interesting book in the back of my car. Yes.

And then they're going through journal, and they are on the phone with TMZ. And so, I mean, this is as fucking bad as it can get from me. I'm really trying not to panic about it and just stay optimistic. All to say, I do get it back, but I get it back at 2: 45 AM. Yeah, it's late. But I'm so relieved.

Whatever. Did you try to look and see if it had been tampered with?

I didn't. I saw that my memoir was in there in my journal, and I was like, Okay, I don't care about anything else in the I have these two books. You idiot. Why don't you scan it? Why don't you bring it? There's some self-abuse.

Sure. I guess I'm piling on, but I do want you to- Victim-shaming me. I'm sorry, but I really do need you to back up.

I know. You can't really back up handwritten stuff.

That's why the handwritten thing was tough. But you can scan. You can scan, and you should scan.

That has been suggested to me many times since this event. Then I imagine myself sitting in front of a fucking copy machine and how many hours that would take. And then I have to go do my real-life stuff, which is seemingly unrelenting at this moment.

You have to squeeze in just a couple hours so that this just never happens again.

I think that's like a six-hour ordeal. Page by page.

It's pretty... There's a scan doc on your phone, and you literally just take pictures.

Okay, I'll give you 25 bucks an hour.

I mean, I have a lot going on, too, but I'll do it. Go to like, Kinkos.

It's going to be like in a Kinkos, and you got the whole two pages at a time.

Okay. All right. I guess I'm off to Kinkos. I think you should do it. I haven't been in a Kinkos in a long time, speaking of which. I don't even know that they're still around, but I hope they are. I do get about 45 minutes to an hour with Ricardo. We do go out in a raptor and find some snowy roads and drift for a while, which is its own hilarious thing because you can't imagine how terrified he is as a passenger. If you think I'm bad.

I understand why. He's in control of the car as his livelihood. Yes. And I totally get that.

And he was screaming. And I was saying to him, Danny, if we crash, we're going really 20 miles an hour. Sure, the back ends all over the place because we're drifting, but we're not flying. I mean, that's just not the nature of it.

Would that have helped you?

I was a passenger while he did it.

Right.

And he's not as good at it as me. Now look, he's a much better driver than me. But I grew up in Detroit driving on snowy roads. You grew up in Australia with no snow. Right. That's true. So I just think this isn't a braai. He said it. He's like, I don't like that you're better at this than me. Okay, so that's a bragg, I guess. But I would have never come up if you didn't force me to say I was tolerating his- I'm just asking because you're the one that's like, you can't handle being a passenger.

So I'm like, would that have alleviated your fear?

Well, I had already worked through that because it started with him driving and I'm in the passenger seat and I'm like, I don't know if he's got it. We might crash into a fire hydrant, we might crash into whatever. Then I was like, And then I was like, and we're going 20 miles an hour and it's got airbags and we'll be fine.

I have a question. Why do you feel fine when I drive you?

I think you're a good driver.

That's nice. Yeah. But you think people are good drivers that I think you still wouldn't want?

You're not driving aggressively. No. You're driving completely normal. I can handle being in a car. It's if someone's trying to show off and drive fast. I hate it.

I thought, sometimes I think the opposite. If I'm driving you like, Oh, he's going to be mad that I didn't...

That you're not driving aggressively enough? Yeah. No, I prefer... No, I like a nice Nice, boring ride if I don't have the brake pedal in front of me or the steering wheel.

Yeah.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, If You Dare. I mean, I do think you're right, though, that I think a lot of people that are into this also are terrible passengers because they love the control and they understand what the car is supposed to be doing. So when it's not doing the thing it should be doing, I think you're hyper aware of it, too. I think to some degree, if you're riding with me in this situation, you just got to... You surrender the notion, I know what I'm doing. Sure. If you were to come on a racetrack with me, you'd be like, Yeah, I guess he knows what to do. I know.

I would, but I'm not a driver That's the whole thing.

Also, I love that feeling. So that's the irony. I also love feeling out of control. I love it. This is when we went off-roading Chris and I in Hawaii, and she drove and we were sliding down this hill. I'm like, Oh, my God, we're going to go into a fucking tree. But I was just laughing uncontrollably because it does pass that point where I just have no response but to start laughing. So I can enjoy it. Okay. Okay. As long as I don't think death is on the table. So that was great. That was a nice little thing. Host the event. That goes well. I didn't get to hang with Verstappen like I wanted to. I met him. I shook his hand. That's cool.

Baby steps.

Do the event, blah, blah, blah. That night, go back to the I'm going to go to sleep. My son picks me up the next morning. And I'm going to add one more thing that you don't care about. When I left, When I left Detroit 30 years ago, cars did not... Some cars had analog brakes. Not all of them. No cars had traction control. No cars had stability track. So what this has done to the driving in Detroit, because we were on crazy snowy roads, and everyone's going 50, 60 miles an hour, no problem, because they have all this assistance now. The car is very good at keeping you when you're starting to slide around. It corrects it. That's good. That was a real adjustment. I'm like, Oh, your average knucklehead is now going what would have been insanely fast on these roads in 1994 when I left.

Okay, that means car safety has really increased over time. We like that.

Go to Aaron's house. And luckily, I had the confidence to say to him, because normally it's like, It's party time. Let's go do this, and we'll see this person. And I go, Dude, if you're up for it, man, I want to rewatch Patriot, which will be the fourth time for me, and I think the third or fourth time for him. And I want to sit on the couch, and he fucking made a fire. And my son and I sat on that couch, Monica. Did you get a smoors? For nine hours, but we ordered food.

Okay, we ordered food.

It was Because I can't tell you what it did to my nervous system. That's great. To be with my love like that. We watched the entire first season.

I love doing that.

And then the next day, we tackled the town a bit. Also, we were hanging out with his son, Wade, my grandson, who's so tall and handsome now.

Do Wade and Groot get along? Because it's like two grandsons, and I don't know if- They haven't met, so I can't really say.

Wow, okay. Yeah, but we'll try to schedule that. Okay. Anyways, we went to Highland house, my favorite breadsticks, and then we did our thing. We went to my old house. We went to his old house. We went to our old junior high. We went and looked at other friends' houses that we miss.

It's true because you don't go to Michigan a lot. Let's remind people that. It's not like you're going home. It's like once a year. If I did that, every time I went home, drove by old places.

And you go to your childhood home. Yeah, you stay there.

Yeah, but there are others that were before that. But if I did that every time, that's a lot of times. Yeah. But you don't get to do that very often. That's really nice.

Also, we don't recognize shit. The town we grew up in is so fucking nice. Anyone has heard me talk about how blue-colored my town was and now went there? They'd be like, he's so full of shit.

Fucking liar.

Oh, my God. There's so many beautiful houses. The downtown is so storybook. Oh, cute. They redid the little central park with very architectural. It's unrecognizable, but it's adorable.

Okay. So while you've been talking for a while-Picking things off your body. Yeah, I've been picking off all my finger nails.

Okay, Are you going to be your Lee press on nails.

My gel nails. And I've made a little collection here.

A cute little collection.

And I'm going to put it right here so people can see it if they want. Oh, great. And see what they I'm pretty confident you'll forget to remove those to the trash can. It reminds me of the hair wall and the hair saga that we talked about. Did anyone comment about hair walls? Have you seen? I haven't. So you watch The Patriot. I also have television news. The Pit is Back Season 2. I got excited, obviously, because I I was so excited to watch it, and I turned it on. I watched the first episode ready for the next one. I'm planning on watching 10.

Yeah, they come out week to week.

I forgot. You forgot. I forgot they come out week to week, and I got so mad.

Irrationally upset.

Tantrum.

Tantrum. We love a tantrum.

There are certain things that trigger my tantrums. As you know, this is when this happened during Last Dance, where we thought we had more, and then we didn't. So I understand it, but I don't like it. I don't like waiting.

But it's nice that for the next two months, you have something every week you get to enjoy. That's the nice part.

She's making me agitated. I want to know what other stuff- Who dies. What other stuff he's going to say. He's just so hot. He's so hot. He's still so hot. I have an update, too. Okay, maybe last year, or something. Yeah, probably last year, you said that you were getting into slippers.

Oh, funny. I wore slippers the whole time I was at errands.

Okay. So you were getting into slippers, and I was like- But it didn't stick.

I don't wear slippers at my house.

Okay, yeah. I haven't seen you in slippers or anything. No, no, no. But you were trying it on, ding, ding, ding. And I was like, I don't know why. I think I'm like, That's old.

Grand Prix.

Yeah, it's Grand Prix. Yeah. And And after the Golden Globes at the Netflix party, they had slippers there, which I think they do at some parties.

For women in high heels?

Yeah. It's like you can take them off and wear them at the party, which I didn't do. Great idea. Great idea. But then you have to hold your shoes and stuff. Because as we talked about, your purse is too small to hold your shoes. It's not even...

It's ceremonial, the purse.

Yeah. So I did get the slippers. I didn't wear them that day, but I was like, I'm taking my souvenir. Wear. So I got my slippers. And then they just sat in the room for a minute. I wasn't thinking about it. And I just put my little feet in there just to see. And I've been wearing them so much.

You love them?

I love them.

You're a grammy. Yes.

And it actually, because I really don't like getting out of bed in the morning, I'm not a morning person. I have gotten myself out of bed a couple of times thinking, Oh, I get to put my feet in those You're eventizing your wake up. Yes.

You're smart.

And I can wear my slippers to go make my tea. It's changed everything.

Oh, wonderful.

I know.

This is an exciting new era for you.

I highly recommend Slippers.

Yeah, just Patriot. I keep saying The Patriot, but it's just Patriot.

The Pit.

Pit and Slippers.

So it's Patriot and The Pit.

Interesting.

Okay. Yeah, that's where there's confusion. And A, Slippers.

Just Slippers, maybe.

That was A, Slippers. I think this is a good omen for the year. It's a Slipper year. Great. I'm happy about that. Great. I also did something fun on Monday with our friends, the Avet Brothers.

Oh, yeah. Are you allowed to say what it is?

I don't know if I'm allowed to say.

But you did some acting.

I did some acting.

In a Avet Brother project.

Yes, that's right. I had not But as you've talked about many times, I also haven't acted in a really long time. And I had some dialog, and I was looking at it and thinking, God, am I going to be able to remember this? Am I going to be able to memorize this? I haven't had to do that in a really long time. I was able to do it. Good. Thank goodness. But it is funny. It's funny returning back to that. And it was a really fun time. And of course, scene work is so fun. But yeah, there's a lot of- Twiddling your thumbs. Twiddling and sitting around and waiting. And I just am not used to that mode anymore at all.

It's a mindset. The whole time we're here, we're working. There's no moment we're not working unless we're taking a duty break, which I just did.

If we're taking a duty break, which you just did, if you're doing that, I'm checking or I'm editing. There's stuff to do. There's always stuff to do. You can do that on some sense if you go to your trailer, but I didn't have one. Then I did have a room, but it was too cold in there because I get too cold.

You hadn't brought your slippers.

Exactly. I was also in a very specific outfit, which eventually you guys will see. Do you want me to send you a picture right now?

I'd love to see a picture.

Okay. I'm sorry for the audience, but you will eventually see it. But I want to get Dax's reaction on cam.

On camera. Oh my heavens.

I mean, the outfit is one thing, But the hair. Exactly.

How many days did it take them to get your hair to look like that?

Okay. I mean, they did it quite...

They did it much- Are you getting married in this thing?

Yes.

Okay. That makes sense.

Now... Wow. It's really something, huh?

Wow.

Did you see it?

Yeah. How long did it take you to undo that? Were you in the shower for a year?

I was starting, and I said this on an interview we just did. So spoiler, I guess. But I was finding myself feeling like a real diva. There was so much hairspray in that hair.

You probably took a year off your life with all the fumes.

So much hairspray. And then continuous touch-ups. You forget touch-ups.

For 12 hours.

At one point, I said, I don't know if my hair can take any more hairspray. I also knew it. I was like, it doesn't need it. It's not changing.

It is what it is. It's a brick.

I would accidentally graze my hair with my hand and it would come off. Chumps would crack off. Break off. Yes. I was starting to have some panic about that. Then same with the makeup because it was like, we're just a constant powdering and a painting. I'm like, But I'm not going to be in the scene for a while. We don't need to do this right now, but I can't really say that, but I know it's true. Then there's some panic. I don't want that on my face. Yeah, it was like, we're so... I'm not I've become a brat. We're used to being in control. Here, we created an environment where we have all the control. Yeah.

That's so nice. You forget how nice that is.

I did have a lot of fun, and I would definitely do that again. But I was thinking, Man, do I have a great job? I love my job. It's so good. Then we've had multiple interviews over the past two days, especially yesterday, that I was like, Oh, man, this is so good. I just am so lucky. It was so weird because I obviously came here to do that job. And again, incredible job, great job. But the fact that this other thing popped up, that in my opinion, is way better is so wild and amazing. But I was also proud of myself because I was like, Oh, I can still I can still do this. I can still memorize stuff. I think because we have this, because my life isn't riding on that being so good so that I can get more jobs, it was fun and easy, and I didn't feel- Zero expectations. Yeah. There was a couple of times I would start this monolog, and then I would say, Oh, I'm going to take that back. And then I would... I would never have done that before. I I would never have felt comfortable.

I would have been so in my head. Any little mistake would have made me feel like, Oh, my God. I'm so bad. They're going to fire me.

They're regretting hiring me. Yes.

I was like, Oh. It was just interesting. I just had such a different mindset that I think makes you better. But of course, you can't get there without it.

It's a very mental job. It is so mental. There's so much about it. It's like, what? Yeah.

So much so. But there's a really cool of this acting job. Again, that people will see that it's so unique and cool. That doesn't involve me, but just part of their whole thing, and it's really amazing. But yeah, I was grateful for doing it. I was grateful for our job.

Those are good.

Those are good. You know one thing? I guess this is like a I had a tampon in for 13 hours.

Oh, toxic shock syndrome.

Then I was panicking about that because as time was passing, I was like, I have this tampon in, and I don't want I'm not going to go take it out because I was in this wedding dress, and you're miced up, and it's connected to your underwear. I was like, I'm just leaving it in. Sure.

We're going to have to roll the dice. I hope my probiotics are working.

I am really tired. I'm today.

Oh, what do you think?

But I think I might have it.

You've taken it out by now, I hope.

Yeah, I wrote it in my calendar because I was afraid I was going to forget. But I took it out and I think I'm okay. But I couldn't wear my nixies because it was a white wedding dress. Sure, sure, sure. I was like, brides have to wear... That's a lot.

I bet brides are real bummed if they're on their period during their wedding day.

But it happens.

You can't. You don't pick it.

Was there anything else? Okay. Slippers, the pit. These are the things I write down. Oh, facts. Yeah, remember those? Oh, my God.

Is this for Marcello?

Yes, Marcello.

What a joy.

We just loved him. Oh, my God. Ding, ding, ding. Huge dingles for my first fact. So we played a game. Me and you and Marcelo played a game where we said a word, and then... Because he said, What What do you think of when you hear Randall? And then we all said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we did it one more time, Lily. I said Pond. I said Pond, and he said Frog or something. You said feminine product. Oh, yeah. Feminine hygiene. Feminine hygiene. You said something like that. Then we were like...

You guys were embarrassed for me. Yeah.

It was just like, you're not on the same page.

And you thought it showed my age and perversion. There was a lot baked in, too.

And then you're like, no, because the smell, like lily, they want to make fresh smells.

They always have them in the commercials. It feels like lily and lilies.

The first fact I looked up was most popular sense for feminine products. The most popular sense for feminine products center on fresh, clean florals, rose, jasmine, warm vanilla. I've never experienced that. Subtle musk and sweet fruits, berries, peach, creating an alluring soft and comforting aura often found in best... God damn it. Best-selling perfumes.

You really shit the bet on this one. I was like, I don't know about musk. I don't think anyone's going for a musk during that period. What the fuck? I need a nice muscle douche.

Ai doesn't understand feminine products. They think, Oh, they think anything that has to do- Well, yeah, feminine hygiene.

I didn't- Oh, yeah. I think hygiene is the operative word.

Fine. Let me type that. Okay, I'll see what you get. Hygiene products. If it says Lily, I'm going to be so pissed.

It might.

No, it doesn't. Okay. In 2024, a popular feminine hygiene sense leaning towards fresh, clean, and naturally comforting profiles with light florals. Jasmine.

I mean, hold on one second. You must admit that Lily's is in light florals. No. Why? What is your argument? It doesn't- But you're presenting your case.

Listen, it says It's light florals. Full stop. No, it has. It says it, parentheses, Jasmine, peony, rose.

Now, it's just improv, though. It's like what it associates with- No, listen.

This also says subtle fruits. It also says vanilla and SkinSense, Musk Amber Sandalwoods.

Guys.

I mean, one thing says green tea.

It's Lily, right? Lillies? What was the- Lily. Are there any Lily-sented feminine feminine feminine products on the market? Searching for feminine hygiene products with Lily scent. Yes. There are feminine hygiene Intimate Wash products on the market that feature Lily or Lily of the Valley scent, often blended with other floral notes. I could read you the brands of them. Zayajia Lily of the Valley Intimate Hygiene Gel.

Zayajah?

Y-u-r-i-r-o Intimate Wash by White Lily. White Lily. Gynocure, Lily Women Cleanser. Delicate Flour Intimate Lady Wash.

Okay, so these are all washes.

Summer's Eve has one. That's the standard. That's the gold standard.

Okay, so those are washes. Okay. Pads and tampons and stuff. Okay, most popular scented pads generally feature light clean or floral scent.

Like musk, vanilla, chocolate, cocoa.

Lavender and aloe. Lavender, Yes, that is something they try to add into all these things. Yeah, lavender is huge. Yeah, but not lily. Oh, honeypot. All right. Well, I prefer neutral scent. Just saying.

I mean, The funny thing is, for us guys, there's nothing that can keep us away. You don't need to worry too much.

I thought you were going to say you still smell it.

Well, that might also be true, and we don't give a fuck.

Okay. Did Obama go to- Beggers can't be choosers. Did Obama go to Occidental College? Yeah. He went there, and then he went to Columbia, and then he went to Harvard.

This guy was bouncing around like a- Basketball. Like a door-to-door salesman, pot and pan salesman.

Okay. He said... This was really cute. He said he pulled a Troy Bolton when he was dealing with soccer and like, comedy. And I didn't know what that meant. Did you? I don't know either. Okay. And we wouldn't. You know why? Because he's the protagonist of a high school musical. Boom.

Okay, great. I know. That's a great analogy. I thought it was a sports reference. And so I just said a man had to act like I knew that player. I'm like, Oh, of course. He's like Bo Jack.

High School Musical, I guess he was a basketball player.

Is that Zac Efron? That's right.

Basketball player, and I assume in the high school musical. Okay. He said that when he was growing up, and they called him They call parties, hangouts, like Getty's. We thought that was cool. That was new to us.

You cannot imagine how many times I have thought since we interviewed him, because I'm going to Miami to shoot. I have thought, I'm going to reach out to Marcel and see, are there any getties happening while I'm there? I want to see the getties firsthand.

Do you think he's still in the scene? No, I don't.

That's why I have yet to do it. But I have had the impulse. They're like, Wow, I might have an invitation to a getty through him. And I want to see everything in life. Sure. So this picture is a 51-year-old rolling into the Getty.

It's just a hangout, though. Then he said, Oh, we were making a whole to-do about Getties because we'd never heard of that. And he said, What do they call it now? And I was like, Parties, I think. Or he said, Hang. He said, Kickbacks. And I was like, No, I've never heard that.

That's what you do when you want to land an account and you pay the purchasing agent some side money. That's right. That's a kickback.

Exactly. But then I did Google, what does Gen Z call parties? Gen Z doesn't have one single slang word for party, but uses terms like kickback, hang out, get together, or rager.

Okay, those are standard.

But not kickback was in there.

Yeah, I'm seeing the others. Rager has been around forever.

I know. Major rager. For larger events, focusing more on vibes, wellness, and smaller gatherings like soft clubbing, house parties are, quote, live chill. Live chill is an online hangout.

Although we were just talking about how Anna has online hangouts with her family, and those do look really fun. That's different.

That's a family hangout. Chit-chat. I don't think that's a live chill. Okay. All right. That's all.

Those are great. I love him. I love him, too.

He's so cute. He was so funny.

I was saying it when I left, I was like, I love when people are still hungry. It's so infectious. He said it. I'm like, I want to do good. I love that. When you go do stuff, you should want to do good. It's a shame that some people lose that.

Yeah. That's really true. But he's young and vibrant. He's on SNL and he's cute. He's got that smart girlfriend. Yeah, he sure does.

Good for him. Good work. I love you.

Love you.