Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Bad Dates II New

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Today we have, tell us about a really bad date. Oh no, there's a lot of bad dates out there.

There are a lot more bad dates than good ones.

I don't know, I don't have the data on that.

There are.

I can only speak anecdotally. I've had mostly only good dates. I mean, definitely if I add up the bad experiences versus good, it's very, very Posing doesn't mean I did dates with the partners.

This is dates.

Well, they started as dates.

No, you can count those. Yeah, but you can't count once you guys are together.

Yeah. Okay. I'm just saying I've been out with people. For the most part, it's been fun. It doesn't mean I, like, want to go the distance with them. Yeah, but I haven't had, like, a girl, like, you know, sawing on her teeth at the table or on her phone. Or, I mean, again, I dated in 20 years, but yeah, things have changed. Yeah, there's a lot of phone action. Anyways, everything happens in this. Please Enjoy Bad Dates Part 2.

Hello?

Hi, is this Bailey?

It is. How are you?

Good. And right behind you, there's some clues. You have some very elementary stuff happening. The question is, do you like— and this is apples, oranges, bananas.

I am a teacher. I am hiding in our speech pathologist room right now while my kids are in the room across the hall.

This feels highly dangerous and I love it.

I'm so proud of you, but I'm also proud of myself because I almost said, are you a speech therapist?

But she's not. She's borrowing.

I know.

Oh, the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before she said it, that would have been a good guess.

Proud of you.

Thank you. That's what I'm looking for.

One of those stars that are on the wall. I see stars and happy faces.

Yes, there's lots of stuff.

And where are you at?

So I'm in Grand Rapids.

Oh my goodness. Good job, Monica. You instantly knew that was Michigan.

Of course I know that.

It's one of the big ones. And I'm actually from St. Joe, Michigan. I know that you and Belle like to come through every once in a while.

Yeah. No, that's next to what?

St. Joe. It's by Silver Beach and Stevensville.

Yes, Stevensville. We rented a house in Benton Harbor. Yes, Monica. Benton Harbor is where we had that most impossibly good Fourth of July.

I love that trip.

Right.

They've got like a pier on Silver Beach.

I got a little thrown when you said St. Joe's because I was thinking of the St. Joseph River, which is southern Michigan.

Benton Harbor was my wedding too.

Oh, Wabi Wabi got married in Benton Harbor.

Really?

And they're still together.

Amazing.

I love it.

Okay, so you're a Michiganite and you've stayed and you're in Grand Rapids. You're in the big city.

Yes, I love Michigan.

We're closing in on when it's really good.

Yes, it's about 55 degrees right now and sunny, so we're all loving it.

Lovely. Okay, so you have a bad date or had a bad date, or maybe you've had many bad dates.

Are you on a bad date right now?

Would you call this a bad dates, but this one is definitely the top. It's my story for all of my parties and all the things that I've gone to. So it was in 2019. So I was a sophomore in college. I was going to the community college in Benton Harbor and I graduated from a really small school. There was only like 84 kids there in my senior graduating class. So I did not want to date anybody at my high school, in my college. So in my dating apps, I expanded my location to South Bend area.

Wait, South Bend, Indiana?

Yeah, it's about a 45-minute drive. So I figured if it worked out, we could make it work. So I met this guy, we'll call him Evan. I don't want to use his real name.

Well, first of all, you gave him a nice name. I'm assuming you don't love this guy if it was a bad date, but it could also go either way.

Yeah, so we met on Tinder. We FaceTimed and texted for a couple weeks before we met, and he seemed pretty normal. He went to Notre Dame and was in aerospace engineering.

Can I ask a quick clarification question, Bailey? Because I'm not on the apps. My understanding of Tinder was that that one's geared more towards hookups.

It was. That was not my intention. So I'm a Christian, and that's a very big part of my dating and my life and everything, but I just wanted to meet people because I had a very small circle.

Yeah, smart.

That was not my intention, but it seemed like that wasn't his either. And we were talking, it was great. We decided to meet at Cheddar's. I don't know if you know what a Cheddar's is.

No, but it sounds like a Chili's.

Yes, it's like Midwest fancy, you know, like an Olive Garden.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go there for special occasions type deal. So I have a rule. I never let them pick me up for a date.

Smart.

I share my location with all my friends and all of the things. I was like, there's no way. So we met there. And he comes in and he's wearing a full suit, tie and everything.

Oh, wow.

I was very thrown off.

Were you in a ball gown?

No, I was in jeans and like a nice top, probably. So I was like, okay, maybe he's just trying to impress me. Could be endearing if that was the only red flag, right? So we sat down and it was a little weird. He was just kind of awkward. It seemed like he was very nervous. And then he says, okay, I want to talk about my physical boundaries with you.

Oh my. All right.

So some background in the Christian dating scene, that's not super atypical, but it is for a first date. And he pulls out a list out of his pocket in his shirt. Oh, and the list, it said no touching, no caressing, no fondling, no squeezing. Oh my God, no stroking.

Oh my God, this list is somehow more perverse than just a note that said I love fucking. 100%.

He's thought through all the things— squeezing, stroking.

I just think he almost came when he wrote this list.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I do need a little clarification. Do you think that meant anywhere on his person, or that meant specifically his genitals? Like, did he not want to hold hands at any point?

I think it was probably not anything. And depending on where you're at in the Christian sphere, some people want to be a little bit more conservative about those types of things than other people, just so it doesn't lead to other things. Gateway, you know how it goes.

Oh yeah, we've all been there. Once you start slippery slopes, right?

So I think he just wanted to cover all of his bases and say nothing.

And what was your response to the list? Like, cool.

I sat there with my mouth open. I remember being like, okay. And he asked me, he's like, so what do you think? What are your boundaries? I said, you, I guess, covered them all. I couldn't think of anything else to ask.

You left out tickling.

It's part of the touching. Just no touching.

Well, no, you could blow. You could blow with your mouth. Yes, I've done some tickling with just air.

You could.

Air tickles.

There was a couple loopholes.

What if he wrote air tickles? No air tickles.

Let me add it.

I've never had anyone physically write them down and read them to me like that, so that was off-putting.

Yeah, it's almost like he wanted you to sign it like it was a contract, right?

So we had the movies afterwards. At that point, I was feeling like, oh my gosh, like, I do not want to go, but I was 21. I was a people pleaser. He already bought the tickets. And I was like, it's 2 hours in the dark. I know he's not going to touch me. So it's fine. I was like, whatever, it's 2 hours. We were going to see Aladdin, the live action that came out. So I was like, it'll be an enjoyable film.

This is the most PG date I've ever heard of, by the way. You go to Cheddar's, then do Aladdin. You get the list of things.

No, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Nothing.

Yeah. On paper sounds like a great date. So I was sitting there. He pulls out his phone right before to, like, turn his sound off. And there was a picture of me. From Facebook.

No, his phone as his screensaver.

No, no, no.

Yeah.

Oh, we had Snapchat and stuff, so it wasn't one that I sent. He had to go searching for it.

And what kind of photo was it? One of your most conservative or your least conservative photos?

One of my more conservative ones.

I just want to know if it's like a swimwear photo or something.

No, it was one of my friends. We did like a photo shoot in the sunflower field.

Okay. Lovely.

Wholesome. Wholesome, right?

A high school fun thing. But I never sent him that picture. It was kind of an old one. This is the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life. I cannot confront him about it.

Do you know how old he is?

I think we were the same age. I think we were about 21. So he was an aerospace engineer major. So I was thinking that could contribute to it a little bit.

Yeah, we know what you're saying. Yeah.

And I work with kids a lot. So like, I've got a little bit more of a bubbly personality. Some One like that might not, and that's okay. So I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. So we sat there and I did not move. I thought many times about bolting and going to the bathroom and then just not coming back. But again, I just couldn't do it. And so I was like frozen. So as soon as the movie was over, I ran to my car and I was telling him like, okay, bye, see you later. And he stopped me and he's like, wait, I have to tell you something. I love you in all of the Greek meanings of love. In the Bible, there are many Greek words of love that God uses to describe how he feels about us. And he told me that he loved me in all of those ways.

In the panoply of Greek terms. Panoply. What?

So it's like, fatherly love, romantic, between husband and wife type love, and then friendship, and then there's something else. But first date, he was like, I love you. Do you love me? Do you?

What?

He asked, do you love me?

And I said, it's too soon. I can't.

You're so nice. I'd be like, no.

So that was a long time ago. So I think if it happened now, it would be totally different. There's no way that that would happen.

Ew, this is so creepy. He has your background.

In my opinion, he is either in one of two categories. He's either a psychopath, which I don't think he is, or I think he has some kind of neurodivergent personality. And like when you watch Love on the Spectrum and they see like one person, they're like, yes, I'm going to be husband and wife with them. Like the thing that they launch off into is a little untethered.

As I've gotten a little bit older and I'm able to look back on it, I think that's probably more where it was. But I did leave out at the very end, after he loved me, he pointed to the forest. There was a forest behind me, like, with a trail. And he said, do you want to go on a walk? No, no, no, absolutely not. And I said, my mom's calling me, I gotta go. And I got in my car and I drove off and I cried.

Oh yeah, that's It's kind of a stressful 2 hours.

It feels really uncomfortable.

Yeah, the screensaver makes it feel unsafe.

If it was just the other things of him being just a little weird, we've all met some weird people before, so it's like, yeah. But now that I've worked around a lot of neurodivergent students and things, I'm like, oh, that I think is where it's at. So I kind of have a little bit more compassion for him now. He is married.

Oh, thank God. Great.

I hope that he's found his perfect match. It just was not me. And I hope he's matured.

Was he able to drop the whole thing or did he keep reaching out?

He was able to drop it. As soon as I got home, I sent him this long thing about how it was really nice getting to know him. I just don't think it's going to work. I don't see anything. And then he said, okay, it was great. I hope God blesses you in your life. And then that was it.

So the first part, it's hard to relate to. And then the second part is hard to relate to because again, in my mind, it's like, well, it takes me a lot to fall in love with somebody. And then conversely, if I'm in love with somebody, I also can't be over it in 5 seconds. So it's like both sides of it are different, I think.

Yep. Now this also opens up an interesting question about love. I hear that, I'm like, well, obviously he's not, he spent 18 minutes with you. But like, what if he was?

What is wrong?

Say he wasn't over those first couple weeks of texting, maybe that was just it for him and seeing me in person.

I don't know. I'd also argue if you have never had the attention of a girl ever, the first time you feel that attention, I don't know how you would explain it. The excitement level is so high, it would be easy to think, oh, this is love. Like, this feels so good. I've been waiting for this and here it is and I love it. And now I want to be her father, her husband, her caretaker, all of the things.

And now I'm married to The most wonderful golden retriever husband that you could ever ask for. He's the best.

Great.

And did you meet him on an app?

We did, actually. We met on Hinge, so a different one. Can I give a shout out to some of my coworkers?

Yes, please.

I would love to give a shout out to all of my parapros and all of the support staff and secretaries and all of my other teacher partners that I have here. Just seeing the dedication that they do every day to really work and love on some kids. When I told them that I was coming, they were all very excited and moved around their schedules to be able to come cover my room.

Oh, that's so sweet! What a nice shout out.

It's you and nurses tied for the best people on the planet. Really?

That's right.

Thank you. And I love your podcast. I've listened to it for many years, and even though I'm a Christian and I disagree with you on some things, I love that you have such an open dialog about it and are able to listen to different people's perspectives. And I think that that's a really amazing trait to have. So I don't feel alienated. And even though we don't share the same beliefs, like, I feel like I can still connect and learn a lot from your podcast.

I appreciate that, Bailey, because your experience on planet Earth is just as valid as mine. I'm just having one. You're having one. I'm curious about yours. It's not mine. I'm delighted to hear that. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

All right, have a great rest of your day.

You too.

Okay, bye. You know how lucky you'd be to have her as your teacher?

Yeah, I'll go back. I'll go back to school.

I'll go back to speech. Uh, what room was she in? Yeah, I did have to go to speech because you had a lisp, but you didn't—

Yeah, a small lisp. My mom didn't believe it, but I did.

Did you believe it?

I think I was like, whatever they say I have to go do this.

Snacks in there, I'll go. Was there cookies?

No, they're cookies. I'll steal them.

You have been deviating obvious in your pursuit of cookies. Yeah, as we've decided. What if you had learned that the speech pathology department gave cookies, and so you were— you started doing this, and then you knew you got a cookie every time you said a certain word, right? And then you all of a sudden magically you did this, and then you're, oh, thank you for the cookie.

She doesn't have—

when I'm with her, she doesn't. Well, you don't have cookies.

I'm not gonna put it past me. I'll do a lot for cookies.

Hi, Mrs. Sarah, I heard that you teach a class on Beef past houses.

And what flavors do you have?

You have chocolate sip. Oh, I can barely say it. Hopefully you'll teach me how to— you have snufferdoodle.

No, I'm not into that one.

No, but you would say it just because it really exacerbates the S's. Yeah, we're allowed to do this because you had it. I had my deafness.

I bet I did have it because I had like a weird mouth. I had to get braces very young. Hello.

Hi, Grace.

This is so weird.

Are you wearing cute overalls?

Yeah, I know you're a fan. I'm a big fan of overalls.

Yeah, they're very utilitarian, right?

Very functional.

What kind of things do you keep in the top pocket?

Like a phone.

Yeah.

Hair bands. Nice.

Lip gloss.

You know, where are you, Grace?

I am in Seattle, Washington.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

How's the rain? Is it rainy today?

It is not. It's nice out. I just moved here a month ago, so I'm fresh on the whole weather thing and I've been getting used to it.

All right.

I'm going to try to guess where you're from.

Hmm.

Tricky.

I don't know why I'm going to try to do that, because it's a big country.

It's a big country.

But you move there from— okay, you move. To Seattle.

I don't think you're—

I'm gonna bring you— you're from Chicago?

Yes. How did you know? That is wild.

That was good.

Okay, walk us through.

And it hit me like lightning.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, okay, you're from a town that has a scene.

Overalls.

You don't have an accent. You're not from the South. All of a sudden I saw Chicago and I looked at your face. I was like, that's it.

A western suburb of Chicago. So I still say Chicago.

Fantastic.

Yeah, but I actually moved here from North Carolina.

How was North Carolina?

Great weather. A lot nicer.

That was so fun.

Wow.

That was really fun. You know, there's so many cities to choose from.

Yeah, I'm impressed.

Oh, God. Feels great. Okay, so, Bailey, you had a bad date.

Yes.

And this happens in Austin. I've lived in a lot of places.

Austin was one I was debating, by the way.

Yeah. So it was 2018. I had also just moved there. For work. Really didn't know anybody. Was like, okay, what's the best way to meet people in a city? Dating apps. So was there for like maybe 3 weeks at this point, and it was the first person that I had matched with. Just, it like started as meeting at a bar, had a few drinks.

Can I ask what app you were using?

I think it was Bumble. So yeah, we were just at a bar, had a few drinks. He was cute. He was like a little awkward, you know, it's the first date, give him the benefit of the doubt. And I was explaining that I was new to the area. Did he have any recommendations for things to do, places places to see. And he was from Austin, and he said, oh, there's a really cool lookout spot of the city to see the city skyline.

It's—

we're really close, do you want to go check it out? I'm a cautious person.

It sounds bad. It sounds really good.

I was like, maybe I shouldn't go to a second location on a first date, but I was like trying to be more spontaneous, you know, the city.

And Austin's got a vibe.

It does. And he was giving off a good vibe. And so he said, we're really close, I have my car, I can drive us there. So we get in the car and it's like 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes. I don't know where anything is in this city. Like, what would make sense? So we pull off into like a residential neighborhood and he's like, okay, we need to walk on a bit of a trailhead to get to this lookout spot. He then gets like a giant backpack out of his trunk.

What?

We like walk into this trail, and it's a big clearing.

Can I ask what time of day it is?

Yes. Good question. It's 9 p.m. at night.

Oh my gosh.

Do you have your location shared with any friends? No.

I don't really know anybody there.

And are you seeing, like, episodes of Dateline and 48 Hours in your head as you're on this trail?

Yeah. But we get there and it's really cool. It's a big clearing. There's these 5 stone columns. You can see a really pretty view of the skyline. And he then like opens the backpack and in the backpack there's like a giant bottle of champagne. Oh, and a professional camera. So I'm like, was he planning this the whole time? Like, lots of questions. So he's taking pictures, he's chugging the champagne.

Okay, hold on, hold up. Are the pictures of you or the skyline?

No, the skyline.

Okay, but he was really getting messy.

Like, hold this lens. Have you become his assistant?

Yeah, well, the whole energy I couldn't read. If he was trying to be cute and flirty, if it was actually kind of dangerous. And then it turns when he's jumping up onto these like stone columns, jumping up and down, asking me to join. I'm saying that I'm not really into that. And he's like, you're so lame. You're so boring. And he starts like yelling at me. So I then come to later realize that where we were was in Zilker Park.

Oh, okay.

A bit of a hidden part. And there's lots of trails and paths. And he said, let's keep going into the trail. Like, a night hike is so fun. That's like peak Austin. Let's go on a night hike. And that is where I draw the line. I said, you know, no, I'm not doing that. Can we please leave? So as we're talking, kind of arguing, he grabs my phone out of my hand and he says, the flashlight on my phone is broken. I need to take yours to go on my hike.

What?

Uh, what?

Then he's gone with my phone.

Oh my gosh.

So I'm very afraid. I'm like, do I go back and try to knock on some doors in this neighborhood. What do I do? I have no phone. I have no way to get out of here. Oh, and then this whole thing to me is bizarre. Things just keep happening. These boys come out and they're like teenage boys smoking pot, super high. So I'm asking them for help. I'm asking like, can I use your phone to get an Uber? They're out of it. They're like making fun of me. They're not helpful.

This is horrible.

It's like a madhouse all of a sudden.

They did not help me. It was a little bit of time. I was just kind of like in a freeze mode. So he comes back, he— and he's like, okay, let's go to the bar.

So also, he did go on a night hike by himself. Like, what is going on?

I'm not sure if he's on some other sort of substance. And then I was like, no, I'd really like to go home. That's when, again, I make second mistake of the night and tell him where I live because I, again, wasn't problem solving enough. I just wanted to get home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frontal lobe wasn't online. You're like in kind of in survival. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was trying to figure out how to get home and get out of the situation. So we get back to my apartment and I was like, had a good time. We'll hang out later. Trying to appease the situation. He's like, no, I'm a gentleman and I walk all my dates to the door.

Oh, I hate this guy so much.

I can't stand him. I was like, no, I'm fine. I don't need to be walked to the door. He was like, no, I insist. So he then walks to my door and he was like, give me a kiss goodnight and I'll be on my way. So I did.

It was gross.

And then I go to open my door and he follows me.

No.

Oh, he forces his way in behind me. You know, I was freaking out. I was in danger, and I was like, can you leave? I'm tired, please. I want to go to bed. We'll hang out next weekend. And he just said that he was drunk and needed to sleep it off on the couch. So he went and did that. He passed out on my couch, and I go and I lock myself in my bedroom, and I'm so embarrassed that I let it get to this point. That I didn't want to call anyone.

Oh man, this is so unfair. This is like when people don't report getting scammed. Yeah, it's so unfair.

There's like shame even though there should absolutely not be.

Yeah, so, and I didn't really know a lot of people or have close friends. I was like, do I call the police? I ended up just staying up all night in my room alert and he eventually left. Like I heard the door close and I just like got up and locked the door.

Oh my God.

Oh my gosh.

The craziest thing to me of the whole situation is the next day he texts me like, "I had an awesome time.

Let's hang out again." That was a dream date for him. Take a girl up to the top of a mountain and leave her for a while.

Take her phone.

Then force her to let you pass out on her couch and leave in the middle of the night.

Kiss her.

That sounds like a great date.

I don't understand how he didn't see that any of those things could have made me feel uncomfortable and then would want to go on another date with me, but I'm glad that it didn't end a different way.

How did you respond to him? Did you—

I didn't. I blocked him.

Oh, so sorry.

Can you write reviews on these dating apps?

Oh, I don't think so.

You should be able to. You should be able to be like, hey, for what it's worth, this was my date with, uh, Michael.

Maybe you could reach out to the dating app itself and say like, hey, this person really is kind of predatorial, just flagging for the site.

You know why you can't have that system? Because so many people are scorned that they weren't liked back that everyone would be bagging on each other who didn't get picked.

You mean if it was just like open comments?

Exactly.

And yeah, I've had many more. Not a fan of the apps.

Yeah. Were you done with apps at that point or did you give them another go?

Oh, I kept going at that.

Good, good, good, good, good. Yeah, you got it.

Against my better judgment.

Have you had some good dates? Dates though on the apps?

Oh yeah, a few. Wow.

Well, I'm sorry that happened. That's really—

I'm glad you made it out of Zilker Park alive.

Me too.

All right, of all these places you live, what's your favorite?

Honestly, Austin's probably up there. I lived in New York for a bit. I liked Upstate New York, but Austin was just so fun. I'm a huge live music fan, so I went to shows constantly.

Fun.

Can I give a quick shout out?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Just to my sister Laura. She's in Armchairery. She was listening to the Marcus Mumford episode when I told her that I was gonna be on this.

Oh, that's a good one.

And a random question, I listened to all of the Armchair Anonymous and there's like a little outro song that you sing at the end and I can't figure out what you're saying.

Oh.

Has this been asked before?

Yes, it has.

It has.

Yes, but tell.

The line you're most confused by is I say, "On the fly I rhyme dish." I think that's the one that People are what the fuck did he say?

I think rhymedish. People are keeping—

On the fly I rhymed it. Because it's not the most well-known word, although it exists in the Webster Dictionary.

Rhymedish?

Rhymedish.

Does it?

It doesn't.

It doesn't.

It's just that it was almost a rhyme and it wasn't a rhyme, so I made it.

So I made it. Rhymedish. Yeah, rhymedish.

That helps me every time I make something else up.

On the fly I rhymedish. I'm actually glad you asked that question out loud because I I've answered it in the comments a bunch, but I'm presuming only 1 in 100 people that are confused are going to take the time to write a comment.

You're right.

You haven't written a comment, right? You're just like, fuck it, if I bump into them, I'll ask.

I even looked to see if it would come up on like the words on Spotify. Like it's gotten that deep. It says playing music.

Oh, I'm flattered they've even labeled it music.

Glass half full.

All right, well, it's lovely meeting you, Grace.

So nice meeting you. Thanks so much.

All right, good luck in Seattle. I'm beating myself up right now because I knew I needed Kleenexes in a few different locations. Hi, Tabitha, can you hear us?

I can hear you.

Okay, you're just in time. So I ran out of Kleenexes in a bunch of different areas of my life, and I ordered like an 18-pack, and I walked around everywhere, and I put extras upstairs and in the gym, under my nightstand, and I forgot the studio main area, and probably the place I think about it most that I need Kleenex. Anything you want complain about that has no impact on the world?

I mean, no, the horrors are already enough.

The world is enough.

Yeah.

Tabitha, where are you other than your closet?

I'm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Oh, I don't know if you've heard me say this, but I have a new fascination with Kentucky and Louisville.

It's the best. I'm from Southern California, and I think Louisville is better.

Wow, that is a hot take.

And did a lover bring you there, or did you get interested in Louisville some other way?

Work brought me to Louisville.

And it's so green.

Right? That's what I like about it.

It's very green. They have so many independent restaurants, more per capita than any other city.

It's a cool place.

I believe it's cool. I think it's the next Nashville. Go buy now, Monica.

I already bought it.

Bye-bye-bye-bye-bye.

Get here, get here, get here.

Where in Southern California were you?

Laguna. Grew up there.

Were you on Laguna Beach? Were you on the hills?

No.

I'm sorry.

And that is a real sore spot.

I understand.

It must have been so exciting, though, to have that show and be from there.

So exciting. But also, I wasn't from the cool high school.

It sounds like Veronica Mars a little bit. Did you watch Veronica Mars?

Absolutely.

And it definitely gave vibes.

What was the high school they went to? Neptune.

Yeah, Neptune High.

Yeah, a lot of half.

Great show. It's on Netflix currently if anyone wants to check it out, if they missed it.

Little plug.

That's right.

My girls are binging it, but they've diverted in what episode they're on. So no matter what room I'm in, some episode is playing.

It's real life or an episode.

I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so you had a bad date story.

So this bad date took place back in the time of Man vs. Food kind of taking over the world. Everybody had like a sandwich challenge or a spicy challenge at every restaurant.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

I was dating this guy for a couple of months and he says to me, I know we were going to go out, but my family wants to do a spicy wing challenge that they saw on the TV show Man vs. Food. Should we just kind of like put it all together and you meet the parents and we go on this date. And I'm a cool, chill lady, so I'm like, let's go.

That sounds fun, actually.

That'll break the ice. So we get there, and my date, his name is Andrew, his dad and his brother are like, we're gonna do this spicy wing challenge, and it's so spicy you have to wear gloves because it will burn your hands. Oh, and it's like 5 wings. If you can finish all 5, you win a t-shirt.

Okay, it's Hot Ones.

Yeah, if you throw up at the table, $100. Like, all these rules. They have to sign a waiver. We sit down. I'm like, are you gonna do it? He's like, no, no, no, I would never. So his dad and his brother get into it, and it becomes immediately apparent that they are not okay. They're just like burning, the eyes water, the nose, and they both run out of the restaurant.

In my head, they did this at their house and they printed up their own t-shirt and they had to pay $100.

Wow, like fun and doing a big thing. Yeah.

Okay, so this is a turnkey experience.

We are out in public in like downtown Richmond, Virginia, in a restaurant. So they run out of the restaurant and they're throwing up in the alley behind the restaurant.

Okay.

Because it's so spicy.

Wait, Tabitha, can I just If you're a tenant in this complex, you've opened up a business and you've put your whole life into it, invested every last penny, and then every 5 to 10 minutes people come out and throw up next to it. I mean, what is one to do? I call police and like, they can't serve those wings no more.

I know.

This is a recurrent thing because she told us when we sat down, by the way, if you're going to throw up, like, go to that spot.

So there's like a vomit—

vomitorium. Okay, I'm sorry. So the dad, the brother, they run out, they're booting in the alley.

Yes. Okay. So my date is like, I'm gonna go help. He grabs a bunch of napkins, he heads out there, he goes across the street and buys a gallon of milk. He's like cleaning their faces while they're puking, getting the hot sauce off of them, giving them some milk. And he comes in and he's like, guys, we gotta go. Dinner's over, we're done. So we walk out. As we're leaving, he goes, actually, I'm gonna run in and use the bathroom real quick. So he goes in and we're all just standing out there waiting. And he walks out of the bathroom. I'm standing there and I see his face and it goes white. And then there's this look of terror on his face and he goes, there's hot sauce on my dick! Oh, starts panicking, just full-scale panic. And he runs into the alley and he's like, Tabitha, grab the milk!

Oh, is that how it works?

I don't think so.

I'm like following him into the alley and he's like, it's burning, it's burning! And I guess when he went to the bathroom he hadn't washed hands pre—

yep.

So the hot sauce is all over burning, and he's got his penis out, and I'm trying to splash the milk in the alley.

But we're also—

we're in an alley in like a city.

The tenants next door who just watched the father-son booting, they were already complaining, and then they glance out the window again, and now a guy's getting milk splashed all over his dick and balls. And you'd be like, I'm gonna sue.

His mom and dad are so nice, but they're like, don't sleep in the same room until you're married nice, not wiener out in an alley nice, right? Like, so this is a mortifying situation. For all parties. At some point, the brother's like, where did Andrew go? And I hear his mother like, I think she's in the alley putting milk on his wiener. And I'm like, oh my God, just kill me now. And so we're like, are you okay? And he's like, I'm fine, I just want to leave. I'm done with this day. So we get in the car, and as we're driving, we're very lucky, we had ridden with his mom and dad. So his mom and dad are in the front seat, we're in the back, and he goes dad, dad, pull over. You gotta pull over. I'm gonna shit my pants.

So much is going on.

The spice must have, like, traveled through his urethra. I think more of, like, an external taint to butthole situation. So I started, like, to activate.

He really got handsy when he went pee. He's, like, rubbed his perineum.

He's allergic to dairy. And the milk silk splash got up his butt.

Like, is it a milk thing? Because he had whipped it out in the alley and that got more sauce.

Guys, I think it's unrelated, but continue.

I don't know if it's just like the extreme pain had caused a contraction. I don't even know. So his dad like goes into a McDonald's parking lot, pulls over, he jumps out of the car, and he turns around to his mom and he says, Mom, I need you to go into McDonald's and get me a milkshake. And she's like, What flavor?

And he's like, Mom, I'm going to put my wiener in it.

Wait, hold on. What happened to the diarrhea?

We pull into McDonald's so he can run into the bathroom.

So he's peeling off to go to the toilet. He does. That makes more sense. I thought he just like got in the parking lot hanging out. Mom, go get me a milkshake.

She's like, what flavor? Like, she's so confused. And he's like, no, it's for my wiener. She gets out of the car and leaves. And I am sitting in the car with his dad, who was just vomiting in the street, not 20 minutes prior. The longest 10 minutes of my entire life as I'm sitting quietly waiting for them to come back. Finally she comes back and then he comes back and she turns around and she's like, I got you a large. Hands him the milkshake. And that is how we drove home from the state. Mom and dad in the front, eyes straight forward, no one making a sound. Me and this guy in the back seat and him with his whole wiener inside a milkshake.

Oh my.

That is so perverse, like, I'm going to put my dick in a milkshake.

Yeah, it's very— the word odd for me.

Yeah, it's—

it's like Addams Family odd.

I just don't know if it had been my first thought, but I also don't have a penis.

It seems like he just, like, liked what the milk felt like, and he's like, I want more of that. He became insatiable.

Insatiable dairy kink. What I will say is that I, in fact, not only was a bad date, but it also doubled as the first time I met my in-laws.

Wait, you married him?

I married the milkshake man.

So he does not have a dairy kink, can confirm.

Okay, there was no repeat. And he's a smart man, you married him.

He's a lawyer.

Because I don't think either of those techniques do anything.

The drinking of the milk, yes, that's a thing, but does it translate?

And drinking of the milk doesn't do anything, just to be clear. As someone who's been on these challenges many, many— they can give you milk in the same way they give you water, but it doesn't neutralize capsaicin. Like, it's on you, that's that. It can't reverse what happened. It's kind of like pouring something on a big cut thinking the cut's going to close.

No, it's not going to fix it completely, but it does reduce the intensity through dissipation.

That's all I'm saying is I do think it dissipates it, but so would water or orange juice or— I don't think the milk has anything magic.

We're going to have to look it up.

We're going to have to do a fact check on this episode.

Yeah.

And how long do you— before The penal discomfort subsided. Was it over when you got home after a bit?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It was hours and hours for both the dad and the brother mouth-wise, and then also wiener-wise. All three were done for a while.

And do you have any idea how long this restaurant stayed in business?

I have no idea, and I probably should go check.

I can't imagine they're still doing this very destructive challenge.

What if it's like a very busy populated street with businesses except for there was like 4 vacant buildings on either side of this restaurant. People are like, why can't they rent those out?

Well, I thought you guys would enjoy a wiener. We had some poop, and we had ending up together love story style.

It checks nearly all the boxes. How long ago was that?

About 15 years ago.

Wow, congratulations!

Have the brother and the dad done any other Bozo stuff since then? Because that feels like a pattern maybe they were in.

I feel like they've ended up— I feel like you vomited an alley and that really shuts it down.

Sure.

Like, this isn't our thing.

They, like, wanted to go rogue.

Yeah, we want to be cool.

And they're like, we're not.

We flew too close to the sun. Sure.

We're done. Okay. Well, Tabitha, that was very exciting.

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you guys. Have a good one.

Bye. Do you think you're going to try it?

Fuck a milkshake? I learned my lesson with Jell-O.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think I'll ever go back. Although, who knows? When I'm really old. I'll probably start doing weird stuff again.

You now actually just quit dairy, so you can't. Yeah.

Although I had a little lapse. I had some lasagna.

External use of dairy, not internal.

Oh, smart. Yeah, I probably wouldn't get—

I know, but according to him, it is all the same.

Well, yeah, I won't get as handsy, I guess, as he did. I don't think the diarrhea was related to the—

Well, it could have been his body just got really, like, agitated.

Yeah. Can you hear us?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Are you a Verstappen fan first and foremost?

No.

What?

You guys are gonna fight.

What? Why do you have a Red Bull car behind you then?

I just like the design.

Oh, okay.

I'm a designer, so anything that looks pretty, and I'm into toys, and that toy is so well built, it's unbelievable. You want to get one, they're fantastic.

You are a motorcycle rider or no?

Oh, big time. I'm in the motorcycle industry.

Oh, I was at the track yesterday. I want to impress you.

Where?

Willow Springs Streets.

Yeah, I haven't done that one. I've done Willow Springs. I used to hang out with Keith Code with the California Superbike School.

Sure, sure, sure. Where are you at currently?

Topanga.

Oh, that's what that nice background is.

I live in one of the little wooden cabins. That's why I'm not in the closet, because the house is the same size as a closet.

And where are you from originally?

UK, but Santa Barbara mainly. My wife's Santa Barbara. And so we lived in Santa Barbara for many years, and then we moved down here for work.

Last motorcycle question. You seem to be leaning against— I can barely see it, but are you on a flat track bike? What are you leaning on there in a picture behind you? On the picture over your shoulder?

That's a trials bike. I used to ride trials and motocross at national level in the UK. Quick story on that. My mother wanted portraits of the family, uh-huh, when we were like 20 years old, and I wouldn't do it. My sister had one one. My mother had one. My father had one. I wouldn't do it unless it was on my trials bike. That's the cheesiest thing that I own. My wife insists on putting it on the wall. It's great in the attic.

I love it. My eye's drawn to it. Okay, so Sam, you had a bad date, or maybe you've met many.

I've had a few, but this one sticks out. When I met my new wife, we obviously shared all the stories of our lives and it was total honesty. All the grime and dirt and you name it, it was completely open for discussion. But I never told her this one because I completely and utterly forgot about it. And I think it was some form of PTSD. And then my best friend came around one evening when we were in the UK and reminded me of the story. So it was back in 2009, this happened in Thousand Oaks, Simi Valley. Area, and I decided to go dating again. I signed up on a dating platform site and started looking around.

And this is like on a computer, not on the phone?

No, this was on a computer. Came across this profile on this lady, and she was beautiful. So we started messaging, and it all went well for a couple of days. That transferred into cell phone, and we were talking backwards and forwards, and she sounded super intelligent really nice. She had a faint accent, and it turned out she was Danish, from Denmark. Anyway, we got on like a house on fire. After about 5 days, we said, well, let's meet up for coffee or for lunch, and we chose lunch. She said, well, come and pick me up from home. And I thought, she's taking chances there. I could be a retired ax murderer.

Exactly.

Yeah, we're practicing ax murder.

So I went up there and went to a house, parked out on the drive, walked in, knocked on the door, and she let me in. And it was like, whoa, some of the photos were of her in her 20s. So I was expecting a difference, but I mean, she was beautiful, so I was expecting some sort of decent transfer.

Yeah, you were optimistic.

She was okay, but I'd say she was 20% of what she used to be. But I could tell it was the same person, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, that would be my question. Yeah, like, is it a total catfish, like none of these photos her, or just a steep decline?

She looked like she'd gone through some turmoil or trauma in her life. Sure. Wasn't doing the best. She invited me in. I stepped in the door to the hallway and looked around while she got her keys, and there was pictures and framed photos on the sideboard, on the wall, and it was the same photos that she'd posted and other ones of us. So it's like, this is the person. Yeah, no doubt about it. I was a little bit on the back foot. Anyway, as I was standing there, she came through to the hallway to leave the house. I noticed she had a bag on her left foot and upper ankle. It wasn't a medical bag, it was a grocery bag.

Wait, what are you talking about? Wait, what?

Like a plastic bag?

You mean like coming out of her pants?

No, covering her foot.

Covering her foot, and then it was tied around the lower part of this calf muscle, uh, high on there.

If something was leaking more exposed that she wanted to cover. Yeah.

Okay.

I said, oh, are you okay to go out? And I was sort of inquiring, and she said, it's nothing, it's just an injury of some sort. But she was very vague about it, whether it's a sprained ankle or whatever. But if it was an injury, I would have thought she'd have one of those hospital or those medical boots.

At this point, are you starting to consider her mental health? Like, are you thinking, oh, is she crazy?

Lightly, but you're not there yet.

But you had talked to her on the phone and she had seemed normal on the phone.

Absolutely, 100%. She was maybe, you know, at this point a couple of percent off. I just thought, oh, right, okay. Anyway, so we got in the car.

I'm so sorry, I have one other question. Did you get a sense that there was a shoe on in the bag over, or was she barefoot with a bag?

I think there was a shoe. Oh, okay. She was wearing something like Birkenstock type.

The bag was over the shoe, not like she had it on the foot then put the whole bag in the shoe.

No, no, no, completely covering the whole thing. So anyway, we got in the car, drove off to a restaurant, you know, asked for a table, sat down, and she was sort of okay-ish. The server came along, can I get you a drink, etc. She said, yeah, I'll have a glass of Chardonnay. And I said, I'll have the same. I'm not a drinker, so a Chardonnay would probably last me a week. I she received the drink, she said thank you to the server, but she said, thank you, bitch. Oh, now being from the UK back then, I remember everyone was calling each other bitch. Oh yeah, bitch. She became a little bit of a trend over here.

Sure.

I picked that up and I thought, oh well, this is the fashion.

Yeah, this is like It's Britney, Bitch 2009.

Yeah, not to your server.

No, no, but the server, real nice guy, very jolly, very— he replied 'You're welcome, bitch.' Oh, they were having fun.

Okay, great, great.

They connected and it seemed okay. Anyway, so we carried on talking and the food came and there was a bit more of 'Thanks, bitch.' 'Yeah, you're welcome, bitch.' It increased. Then she drank her wine and she said to the guy, 'Can I get another wine, bitch?' He then was sort of coming down on the bitches. Oh, he didn't reply because he was starting to think, we've had our fun, we're done with that.

Yeah.

But during the meal, she was demanding a few more drinks. Every single other word was bitch.

Oh my God, this is so—

and the volume was raising, and it was bitch, bitch. Other people were hearing it, and it's like, right, okay, I gotta get out of here. Let's finish off. Luckily, we got through to three-quarters of the meal, and I said, let's go. You know, I was polite, the gentleman. Sorry, I missed the part On the way to the restaurant, she said, could we stop at a pet store and get some supplies? And I said, yeah, no problem. So we went into one of the pet stores.

Sam, you're very tolerant.

I just want to say, I'm famous for patience and tolerance, to my own detriment, basically. So anyway, she lit a cigarette up and she went into the store smoking. Now, I'm not a smoker, and it was like, oh no, this is another thing I'm not sure about, smokers. Anyway, she smoked all the way around the pet store. She found some dog food, she found a hole. The big thing that was really worrying me around the pet store, which is where I noticed it to begin with, is that the bag on her foot— she got a little limp, but she was dragging her foot like a zombie. And so she got this great big rustling, sliding sound, like, oh my God, all the way around the store. And I thought, she's gonna wear through that bag in a bit. I was really conscious of it. Smoked in the car. I said, do you mind not smoking in the Then we went to the restaurant.

So she had a couple strikes before the bitch. Yeah.

When we completed the meal, and it was all the bitch, bitch, bitch. And she was loud. I got her out of the restaurant and she was shuffling out of the restaurant. We got into the car park and headed to the car and she was stumbling and I was sort of holding her up. Right outside the restaurant in the car park was chp car, car, and he was watching. So I guess he was looking for people that were drinking too much at lunchtime. And I was thinking, oh my God, we're gonna get stopped, she's getting out of order. So anyway, I managed to help her into the passenger side of the car, closed the door, went round, got into the driving seat, and I just thought, oh God, I hope he doesn't see us. As I was driving out the car park, she started screaming at total volume, like 'Where are you taking me?' No, she was flinging her arms everywhere. 'Oh, you're going to murder me! You're going to rape me!' Oh, and she was pushing the windshield and the side window in the car, like trying to get out. And she was getting my arm off the steering wheel.

I was good. 'Don't worry, I'm taking you home.' She was absolutely out of control. I thought the CHP officer hopefully is going to see this as some sort of domestic argument and nothing else.

Not a kidnapping.

I had to drive all the way back to her house with her screaming, and I was thinking, I hope she doesn't open the car door and jump out.

Yeah.

So we drove to her house, pulled up outside, and I whisked around to the passenger door to help her out and just calm her down. And she was calming down a little bit now, so I got her out the car, got halfway down the drive the front door to her house opened and the guy came out.

Oh my goodness.

Seemed a friendly, quite stocky guy and a big beard. And he walked towards us, and as he was walking towards us, he just gave me a casual sort of little half wave, like, you know, don't worry type of thing. And he walked up, he said, oh, don't worry, she does this all the time, she's not taking her meds.

Yeah, it sounds very bipolar episode.

What I figured out is that at some point she'd had some sort of mental breakdown in the past. And apparently when she is on her meds or slightly coming off her meds, she does these phone calls, gets on dating sites, makes these appointments, and then her husband has to handle it.

Meet strange men in his driveway returning his wife from dates.

Maybe the husband is the most patient person on earth.

Clearly.

Yeah, he struck me as a very patient, understanding guy that had been going through this for probably many years.

Do you think she had a dog?

No, that's the other thing. When I picked her up, there was no sound of a dog, no look of a dog, no putting the dog away or anything.

Did you at all want to ask the husband, hey, what's going on with her foot? There's two mysteries to me would be like, does she have a dog and what was going on?

Nothing. Probably nothing.

No, I didn't. I was just in a bit of shock and it's like, I gotta get home.

Yes.

The next time I went dating online, I actually met my wife and everything was Well, they go really one way or the other for you.

They're either horrendous or perfect and you get married. This doesn't sound like a lot of middle ground for you.

Yeah, but it goes in the storybook.

Yeah, your loss, our gain. That was very funny.

So you've got a lot of interest, same as me. I've got a couple of books that I think you should read.

Oh, tell me.

Freefall, from a guy called Tom Reed. He's an ex-Special Forces guy in the UK. Oh, but the story is—

wow.

And then the other one is The Feather Men. I don't know if you've heard of this one.

No, what's that about?

This is a book by a guy called Ranulph Fiennes. He's one of the greatest explorers of our time, British guy, absolutely so resilient. And it's worth reading books about him, his autobiography, as a separate thing. But Feather Men, you'll love. Special Forces guys that become vigilantes in the UK.

Yes, great, thank you for that. Is it safe to say that you love the Krakauer Starbucks? It sounds like you would.

Yeah, Red Into Thin Air. My wife introduced me to that one. In fact, she's introduced me to you guys, so you're special in our lives now. She's been listening to you for a long time, and we listen to you every day going into work in Santa Monica, coming home, going through all your old ones. And I don't like music or noise in a car. It's thinking time for me. But you guys are the only people that are allowed into my car.

Oh, that's flattering. Thank you.

So Kim wants to— my wife wants to say hi.

Let's get her in here. Hi. Hi, Kim.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. You guys are even better looking sort of in person.

I'll definitely take that. Well, it's lovely meeting you. That was a great story.

Yes.

Yeah, he's got some great stories, but that one made us all laugh.

Motorcycle stories.

He's got a lot of motorcycle stories.

Oh, we should probably do a motorcycle prompt. That'd be good.

Well, lovely meeting both of you.

Thanks for the opportunity.

All right, take care.

Have a great day.

Ride safely.

Will do. You too. Bye.

He was a kindred spirit of yours.

What a scene.

Yeah, bag on the foot. The only thing is I wouldn't have made it when I saw the bag on the foot.

But what would you have done?

Well, what I will say is, and I think I've already said it on here, I have had the experience he's talking about where I had met someone on my face.

Yeah.

And then when I met him in real life, it was dramatically different.

That's common.

And I felt guilty, and I proceeded.

Yeah.

So in a way, I can relate to like, well, I made my bed, now I gotta lay in it feeling, you know?

Yeah.

Because what are you gonna do?

Like, oh, actually, bye?

Like, you have to if you have like some self-love. Yeah, you go, you know what, I'm really sorry.

Sorry, before you've even gone, because they've kind of deceived you. I know, but that's tricky because then they're like, God, all you care about— I'm still me.

I didn't send a picture of me when I was 18, you know.

Look, I know, but I do think that's tricky.

I think if there's obvious deception afoot, you're entitled to go like, hey, I'm not feeling it anymore.

Oh, it's like, what do you mean? You just got here.

You were in love with me last week.

Yeah.

Well, so I did proceed, and I felt gross about it, but I don't think I would leave a location with someone with a bag on their foot to go out on a date. I'd be like, this is already— look where it started.

Maybe I'd be like, hey, why don't we hang out here?

You're not mobile.

Yeah, it seems like you have something going on. Do you want to just hang out in the backyard for a little? I'll order us a coffee. And it's like, oh, it's taking forever, I'll go pick it up. And they don't come back.

That's the way out. Oh boy, stressful. I'm so glad I don't go me too.

Yeah, I'm so glad I don't go on dates, and this is not helping.

You know, it feels validating a little bit. Yeah, we could have a good date prompt. I'm sure it could get you back to neutral.

Yeah.

Okay, there's a lot of good dates. Well, his second date led to marriage.

I know, but he had to go through that bag.

Our first caller, she met her Christian husband.

That's right. And our third caller married her bad date.

Yeah, so, okay, pretty good odds.

All right, all right.

Love you, love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fly. Rhyme dish, on the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy.