Transcript of Nikki Glaser Returns

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

We have a returning guest, Nikki Glaser, an award-nominated stand-up comedian and actor, hosted, of course, the 25th and 26th Golden Globe Awards, Expertly, The Roast of Tom Brady, Someday You'll Die, FBoy Island, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser. And she has a new comedy special out that I watched that is hilarious on Hulu. April 24th, Nikki Glaser, Good Girl.

Oh, we love her, guys.

Girl, we love her.

She's us, guys.

She's, uh, she might get an award this year. One of the cool guys. Sexy. No, sexy man.

She might get sexy.

Best boy, cool guy. You know, she's up for it.

We're gonna find out. Please enjoy Nikki Glaser. First of all, 3:30, hard out. So exciting. Where do we have to be at 3:30?

It's relaxed. It's like 3:45, 3:50.

But where are you going?

I'm going to the Jennifer Hudson show.

Oh, okay. And what time do they kick off?

They kick off— I think I have to be there to like reglam and do a changeover and then practice my spirit tunnel dance.

Different wig.

Different. Exactly.

Remove the lace front, put in a new one.

Yo, you know all the words.

I know Mary.

No, these extensions are staying in.

Have you done Jennifer Hudson before?

No, I've been dreading being asked to do it because of that damn spirit tunnel.

And you know, Nikki had a whole sketch on SNL about the spirit tunnel. So there's layers upon layers.

Yes. So the spirit tunnel, it's the big draw of the show. It gets more views than anything, any other daytime talk show. It's huge online. Is these clips before you go on. You walk out of your green room into the hallway and all the producers are on the sides and they're all clapping and doing a song that they wrote about you. It's like personalized song.

Oh, wow.

And you have to walk through it and like do a dance and some people just nail it.

Oh, sure.

Like, you really— Madge Lee. Oh, exactly. That's who I'm thinking of.

You watch it over and over again.

So good. I watched Brittany Snow's today and she was like, so perfect. Wasn't trying too hard, but still, like, looked good. So do you have a dance breakdown? I just have a lot of anxiety. I like have practiced some things because here's the thing, you know, when you go into SNL, I didn't want to bring in any like fully formed sketches, but I was like, I had some ideas. And my idea was a pharmaceutical ad for a pill you take that helps you deal with the anxiety and depression you face ahead of a Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel. You know, are you feeling depressed? Are you not enjoying the things you once loved? It's like me staring out of a window with rain and just, you know, typical pharmaceutical ad. And then it's like, have you recently been booked on the Jennifer Hudson Show? And so it's this drug you take that if so, take this drug and it will make you so sick that you have to cancel.

Oh, that's a great line.

It was really from watching those being like, I'm so glad they haven't asked me to do it because I would probably say yes because I don't like missing out on things that could be fun because I'm scared of looking stupid.

Yeah.

And so I force myself to do it and then I'm dreading it. The dread ages me. I feel like I lose years of my life with the anxiety I had about it.

How was your sleep last night? Was it troubled?

Not great. You know, like, actually it was troubled. Like in the morning as I was waking up, I woke up instantly with this dread.

I got to dance in the tunnel tonight.

And then it's going to stay online forever.

Because let's really break it down. I go, yeah, dancing. I'm very comfortable dancing. That part's fine. But what will my face be doing? Oh, what's my face going to be doing? My body knows what to do if it hears music, but what is my face doing here?

You're adding to my anxiety. I didn't even consider face.

I'm going to be the personification of that pill.

Okay.

Secondly, here would be my real issue with it. And this overlaps with something that happens on sets, which is when the actor wraps at the end of a production, they go, "Let's hear it for so-and-so." And all these people who have actually been working, carrying cable and building fucking C-stands, they have to clap for you because you got the most amount of money and you work the least amount.

It's humiliating.

I hate it.

I just wrapped my first movie ever and went through that, and I was like, it was 7 o'clock in the morning. We had done all-night shoots for the past 2 weeks. I was like, everyone wants to go home. We're in Vegas.

And now they have to stand and clap.

Clap. And then it's like, speech. I'm like, no one wants to hear me talk.

You were at least the lead, right?

Yes.

I just did like 4 episodes of a show and I was barely there and they clapped me out. I was like, I'm so embarrassed. Embarrassed to have you all have to stop and do this. I did the least amount that anyone here did.

Do you sense that the crew resents the stars? Or do you think that they're so used to it that it's almost like we are being selfish in thinking that they're even thinking that way about us? Or maybe they actually are like, "Well, we couldn't do this without you." Like all things, I don't think it's either/or.

I think there's a spectrum. So, some of the actors, like Peter Krause is the most loved actor by crew. They genuinely— He's going to baseball games with guys who do craft service. So, when they clap, they're like, "Fuck yeah, my buddy Peter, who's so cool." great to me. Yes, I'd say that's the exception. Most of the time, like, oh, this guy who's already fucking arrogant, we're gonna clap for this guy. Yes.

I hope they sense that we understand how ridiculous it is too.

Yeah, you want the Germans to know, like, he doesn't represent me. It's that same kind of—

Totally.

Do you know, it's clear, right?

Perfect comparison. Pretty usual. Just nail on the head metaphor.

Yeah.

No, but you're right. A lot of times on set, there's always a chair for you as the star, but there's not a chair for anyone else who might not have to be standing right now, and they all have to stand. I just don't sit because that's just It feels ridiculous to me.

Okay, so back to the spirit tunnel. So rung 3 on the panic thing for me would be like these people that don't know who I am having to clap and sing for me.

I would want to stop and say, hey, great, great. And they've come up with the song, and I think because they're on camera, and maybe not all of them like to be on camera, I don't like to assume that everyone enjoys that. It's like they get a little glory in it. Yeah, yeah.

What are we talking about?

Isn't it funny, when I first got in this business, or I guess it started in high school of being like, I want to be on TV someday, or I want to be famous, and my friends were just like, I have no interest in that. I would just be like, how? It would be like hearing someone say, I don't like food or I don't like music.

I wouldn't want to win the lottery.

Yes, but some people don't want the spotlight at all. They don't want to get married because they're like, I don't want to have everyone watch me walk down the aisle.

That's fair. But how about if you offered it this way? You go, no, I'm talking '50s movie star. Like, you just are adored from afar and you don't actually have to feel the eyes. Don't you want the world to adore you?

I think some people don't care about strangers liking them. How healthy. And that is healthy. And I don't understand it. And I may never. Well, let me ask you this.

I have improved Have you improved, or were you at in your cycle?

Thinking back when I used to say like, I want to be famous, that doesn't resonate with me anymore. I hate the whole story of like, guys, I'm famous and it's not what you think. It's really bad. I don't like that kind of narrative, but it is kind of true. It's not that it's bad. I really love it. You get so many perks. But I used to always as a child dream of going to a restaurant and having people like, is that Nikki Glaser? I would die for that. And now that makes me not uncomfortable. Like, I want privacy. It's just, I know I don't deserve that. Please stop. This is embarrassing for me because I know that I can't live up to what you think it is. I don't like the attention anymore. In that way? Because I've had a big kind of couple years. Yeah, and you know, even hugely famous people are like, you're famous right now, like you're killing it.

What can I tell you? My wife just said to me— I said I was interviewing you to my 12-year-old, soon-to-be 13-year-old daughter, two different times. She's like, you're interviewing Nikki Glaser this week? And I'm like, yeah. And then so Kristen said to me, she goes, you know, Lincoln has brought up to me like two or three times that you're interviewing Nikki Glaser. And I'm trying to compute what she's assuming because I don't have to stand up. And I go, well, honey, she watched the Golden Globes because we were there and she's the host of this fucking thing.

Okay.

And she's a comedian and she's a female.

Yeah.

You don't get to see a lot of those. And she's like, yeah, I guess that's it. I was just wondering.

Please ask her. I would love to know where I'm getting that demo.

She's pretty goddamn animated by the fact that you're here this week.

That is so heartening.

She really doesn't care for most people.

She also loves SNL, so maybe she—

Yes. Young kids watch that. That's why I say you say yes to so many different things is because you want to be able to reach all the different demos. You never know where people are going to see you. But that means so much to me. But back to Jennifer Hudson, I also was just dancing. Are you a dancer? Do you like dancing? Like at a party?

I'm like half dancing. I'm too afraid to go all out.

Where everyone would be watching you and you're the only one dancing?

Isn't that like a circle?

No.

Go on, Monica, it's your birthday.

Literally my—

kill me.

Literally my hell.

Hell. No.

Like when people at a wedding are like clearing up the floor because they want to do the worm or something. Like, that is so humiliating to me. I know. And I was voted off Dancing with the Stars first when I did that show. And I knew I couldn't dance when I signed up for it, but I didn't really know. It was almost like I'd never danced. Yeah. So I was like, maybe I'm great and I'll find out. And I didn't even try to do anything before I showed up the first day. So I walk in and my partner is just, you know, this stunning man, Gleb Sevchenko.

Well, tell me that name again.

Gleb Sevchenko.

Built for sex.

He is as hot as his name is disgusting.

Okay.

He is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around, where we would go out to get coffee and people would just go, you're so handsome. Like, he gets it so much that he's like, yeah, he knows how to handle it almost like a famous person, but with his beauty.

Is he straight?

Yes.

How are you feeling around him?

So terrified to do the show. I just love being around beautiful people, and he's so beautiful that it's not even registering. I could get this guy, and he's married, but even if he wasn't—

makes you more confident?

It makes me calmer.

You've ruled him out?

It's like being with a gay guy. Like, he's not looking at me as a sexual object because I'm not in any kind of realm.

I've noticed this arc with Monica. It's like, yeah, she can be so cocky with Brad Pitt, immediately confident.

Not an option because she's just like, he's not considering me.

He's not considering.

Yes, you don't have to be nervous around him. There's nothing to lose because you've already lost. Nothing at stake.

Yeah, then there's a guy that there could be a love connection, and I'm like, bring that Brad Pitt energy.

No, you can't.

No.

Oh, I'm horrible around anyone I could actually have potential with.

Thank you.

I can't look at them. I'm really quiet. They always think I hate them, right?

And I'm so bad at flirting.

But so I walk We walked in and I saw his eyes light up because he didn't know who I was, but you could see he was like, this looks like a dancer. I have like a ballerina type kind of like— at the time I was really, really thin.

When you're stationary, you're very elegant. Totally.

When I am in a still photo—

You look so graceful.

With a very high shutter speed, I am so graceful. And I could see him like, okay, because he's never won the show and he doesn't know who his partner is going to be. It's kind of revealed. We walk in and meet like a Love is Blind, like, oh, for the cameras, we just had to do a little thing, the smallest last thing, and I saw the hope drain from his face instantly. Like, he knew before I knew. He's like, I gotta—

I got a stinker.

He was like, we're not gonna make it far. We tried.

Did they want to make it far? Did they get paid more? Like, are they incentivized to go?

Oh yeah, you know, more screen time, more character development. You know, they're building a brand, and he deserves to go far. He was so great. But it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life, is getting voted off that show first, even though you had told yourself you didn't care. I did care. And they kind of warp your mind in there because you don't do anything except dance. Your whole life clears out.

They love bomb you.

Yes. And in more ways than one. Like, I got love bombed on that show aggressively. And then when I got voted off, I was crying to my friends like, I just like miss dancing. Like, I'm a dancer. And they're like, what the hell? Like, you never dance in your life because it's all you do for a month for like 5 hours a day. I just miss dancing. And you kind of get the hang of it. And I'm like, if I work hard at something, I can get good. So I was just about to get past the place of I can kind of get a grasp on this.

Can you quantify it for me? If you started at what number out of 10 and where did you land out of 10?

0 to 2.1.

But that's a huge improvement.

A 10 being like, okay, like, you know, like, that's not passable. You know, I could put on a dance that would entertain people.

Like if you got married and you did this dance at your wedding, it would impress people.

And I think that's what Dancing with the Stars should be about is, you know, obviously you have the really good dancers or figure skaters or people who grew up dancing killing it. But then you have the people that are so bad at it. Andy Richter went so far this year and he was a terrible dancer. You get to see him actually kind of get the hang of it by the fourth dance. And you start to pick up on stuff and have fun and character development. And that was the other thing that hurt about it, was that it wasn't about just getting voted off because you're a bad dancer, which was a part of it. It's about ABC is developing talent, and they're like, do we want to work with you? Does our audience like you?

Who they responded to?

It was kind of like a rejection from America because America votes. ABC as a corporation and the dancing community. And so when I was plucked out of there, the dancing community at large, and they forgot to invite me to the finale where they have everyone back. Just didn't get an invite. I had to talk to my friend who was still in it be like, can I be your plus one? And they were like, oh yeah, come back.

Wait, Nikki, what year was this? 2018.

Oh, it was a while.

It was a while ago.

8 years ago.

Today they're upset.

Well, I would love to get back in there if they did a Dancing with the Stars losers season where it was all people who got voted off first or second.

Great. First round losers.

I would definitely do it again. It was so fun. But, you know, I was crying every day. Broke my body. Like, I still have injuries from it. It was so fun to care about something so trivial and to, like, try something new and see, oh, I think I kind of am getting good at this thing I had no ability at. That. It was awesome.

Yeah. How long were you sad about it? How long did the depression last?

Like a month or so. I was kind of embarrassed, and then embarrassed to be around comedians who were already like, you're doing Dancing with the Stars? And you go, yeah, and I'm gonna show you, I'm gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have a good appearance even if I'm bad. And then they're like, no, you didn't. It was really helpful to me because I realized that that was like the most embarrassing thing that could happen on the show. After my first dance, they kind of tell you the whole show is about believing in yourself. And so after you finish the dance, as long as you don't fall, be like, I did it, I'm a dancer! Say something like that. They're kind They're telling you be family friendly and positive. And so I finished this dance and they're like, how do you feel? You know, Tom Bergeron. And I'm like, I'm a dancer. And I said it sarcastically because I don't really, but I was like, I guess I'm a dancer, Tom. And then Len Goodman, the like mean judge, was like, no, you are not. You looked like a struggling baby horse. Like so mean. And I was just like, oh, and I looked so stupid to be like, I'm a dancer.

They took it seriously. It was so embarrassing.

Oh, this is—

but the gift, you lived.

I lived and it doesn't matter. And it's a funny story.

Story now.

Yeah, now you have a story.

Yes. After that, I was like, say yes to anything, because I was not gonna do it because I'm like, I can't dance. There's nothing scarier to me than dancing in front of people. But I was like, I'm gonna be 50, and I know the person I want to be at 50 is going to be like, I'll do Dancing with the Stars. I plan on being that woman who's like, who cares? And when I'm 50 and they ask me to do the show, my body's not gonna be able to move as well. So just do it now and be the person you want to be and like do something fun. And just never turn down something because you're scared of looking dumb or cringe.

But you will not get to that mental state without doing it. You can't just land there. Yes, you've got to go embarrass yourself. And then you wake up 2 minutes later and you're like, oh yeah, and that's over. And I lived. I don't know about it.

It was funny.

I'm learning today you were on Dancing with the Stars.

Exactly. No one cares. It's something that I can bring up and it's just a fun— I did The Masked Singer.

You did The Masked Singer? Yes.

Oh my God, I really recommend that. If they offer it to you, do it. It's not a heavy lift. Okay, do it.

Don't think about it.

If you're a bad singer, do it, because you're only you on the show. For 10 seconds when you take the mask off. No one goes, oh, that was her singing those last lines. They don't connect it. So you are just a piece of bread or an avocado. Yeah, were you a sushi roll? I was a snowflake.

Oh, that's cute.

And so, and you don't have to dance 'cause your costume's so cumbersome. So it's not forced to learn any choreo and you just sing a dumb song and you're allowed to be bad. And it's kind of freeing.

Can the people guess who's in there?

Yeah.

Who are they guessing?

Like Michelle Obama. Wow.

Oh, that's flattering.

Not me.

Oh.

No, I mean.

No, they guessed like Sabrina Carpenter. I didn't really think that I was her. I think the judges are told to guess things so that when it airs, people are like, "Is it possible Ariana Grande is?" Oh, I see.

Okay.

And do they get those folks to participate occasionally when the mask comes off? Is it Patti LaBelle or— That's a terrible reference.

Maybe it's an A-lister when they're in their 60s or 70s. They'll get a big name, but it's always someone that's on the way up or on the way down. Like, I don't think they get A-list talent, but it's still a very popular show and it's really, really fun. I always recommend that one too.

Okay.

This is great. Now, again, I just learned that you were on Dancing with the Stars, but certainly if you and I had met for the first time 2 weeks after you got kicked off, you'd be convinced I had seen you get embarrassed, right?

Yes, I would be convinced you knew about it, and I would be like, oh my God, he probably looked up the dances and watched it. The fact that they exist online is so humiliating to me. But you know what? The fact that my stand-up exists online humiliates me. And I'm talking about my special that's coming out April 24th on Hulu. Can I be honest? I don't want anyone to watch it. I want it to exist—

Too late, I watched it.

It's so personal. I put out stand-up specials because that's what you do. But if I could really never put out stand-up, I would just only perform it live for an audience that is not recording it. And if they want to remember anything I said, it's like hearsay that I can always deny that I said what I said. And so when people are like, I watched your special, I change the subject so quick, or I go, no, why would you do that? You know, I wouldn't be happy to be seen.

Coming to see you live?

Totally. Not like people I know like you guys. I'd be like, oh God, now I have to be really good.

We did a live show in Detroit, which I think I thought initially it was like, oh, this would be so fun coming home. And no, I hated it. So many people I knew were there, and I'm like, oh my God, I'm reminded that I'm just a dude from Milford, Michigan. You did your special in St. Louis.

I did. I don't know if you do this, but you're projecting that not your loved ones, but maybe your friends from high school, or like kind of people you knew just around that are coming to the show, are coming to go like, I want to watch him not succeed, and like, I want to see how bad this actually is. And they're kind of rooting against you. And I gotta admit that me thinking that someone would think that about me is coming from a place of I've thought that before about people I'm jealous of. It's like always what you fear people think of you is probably what you have thought before.

Yes, your estimation of others matches perfectly your truth about yourself.

So I have to admit that I've rooted against people I'm jealous of, so I think they're doing that to me, and which they probably are because it's a very common thing. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're insecure. And I recently have let a lot of that go. I really try to root for everyone and force myself to, even though it's going against what I feel.

Yeah.

Is it's just good karma and it's just the right thing to do.

Well, and it rewires your brain if we want to get technical. The contrary action actually creates a different neural network and you're more prone to use that one. And guess what? Your view of the world's much better and you benefit weirdly. It's not really an extension of kindness to them because you ultimately are the one that will be better.

I even say that being like, I'm selfish to even practice these things because I'm wanting the karma.

You want relief from suffering.

Yes. It feels good to me. It's the same way when I give gifts to people or help friends out financially and they're always like, this is so generous.

And I go, literally.

This is how I get off. I have to tell you, it's kind of selfish of me because I really feel good when I give. And that's not to say hit me up on Venmo, strangers, which happens sometimes. But I always am telling people, please let me do this because this is how I get self-esteem, is helping out. Gets more for me. And that sounds like something you just say, but it really is for me.

And then conversely, the thing I wanted to point out about when you're depressed over Dancing with the Stars and we would have met and you would have thought I would have known. What's helpful to me is like once I linked and not on my own, through AA. Once I linked that, that self-loathing is as megalomaniacal as self-aggrandizement.

Oh, absolutely.

Because you have elevated yourself in a way when you're so embarrassed and you think everyone knows. Like, you've made yourself way more important.

Thinking about you.

Yes.

And that's almost more sad.

That's acceptable. Like, you don't beat yourself up over that self-indulgence, but you should feel equally guilty about that as aggrandizement.

And I do. I've been quoting this a lot recently, because I don't read comments about myself. I don't read reviews. I don't want feedback about anything I do because I can't handle it. I'm too insecure because the good isn't good enough and all of that, and the bad is devastating. So I've been sober from any comments or purposeful reading about any critique or take on my work since 2018, I think. I think Dancing with the Stars was when I was like, I'm out.

That was your bottom.

I don't hear anything good either. I think my dad read me one Golden Globes review because I had him read it first, and I said, is there any but? Like, I know it was all good, but if there's a but, don't read it to me. And he was like, there's no but. So he read to me, and that was like the first time I had gotten any positive feedback. So I don't read good and I don't read bad. So it's good because when people are like, you're killing it, I'm not reading what they're reading that's telling them that.

Yes.

Or I'm not looking at my own Instagram. That sometimes I do look at my Instagram and I'm like, you're fucking gorgeous and killing it. And look at you. I'm like, I get jealous of myself sometimes. It's such a lie. I mean, it's always when I have bronzer on my tits. That's the truth. No, but it totally is because it's when I have hair extensions in, it's when I have eyelash extensions. I have a light that costs $1,500 that my assistant—

Well, you just figure out a way to add the but.

Yes, I do.

I may have said this the first time we interviewed you, but I got to find it. I'll send it to you. It's from Garrison Keillor, and it's this thing he wrote. Remember Garrison Keillor? Prairie Home Companion? And it's his journey with faux humility. I turn down the compliments and I do this. And he goes, but in truth, I don't want to just be adored. I want to be a sun god that you worship. The truth is, you tell yourself, I want to be on this magazine cover, I want to be in the— no, what we want, all of us, in a sick way, we want to be a fucking sun god that people are literally worshiping. So there's no satiating.

But you can't get to be a sun god without so many people hating you too.

Exactly.

There's no one that's universally adored besides Betty White, I guess, is the closest I can think of.

Tom Hanks, pretty much.

Even there's some kind of whispers of like, maybe he's not. Yeah, there's gonna be something. He and Betty White are the closest that I can think to just universally adored. Betty White probably wasn't until she was an old lady that no one felt threatened by, to be honest with you.

Yeah.

Taylor Swift has insecurities.

She doesn't feel like a sun god, you know, even though she's the closest that I can think of that kind of worship where her fans, i.e., me.

Yeah, same.

Won't even say like, this album's my second favorite. It's like they're all tens. You can rank them, but they're all the best.

They're all tens.

But you can't even rank them because that would be sacrilegious.

I loved your ranking of the songs. For this past album. I was maybe gonna do it to meet you there, but then I didn't.

I would've loved to see yours. I love talking about Taylor Swift.

Yeah, I loved her List. I loved her List.

I did too. Father Figure. Oh, yeah.

That's my favorite.

Fate of Ophelia. It also grew on me.

That album, at first, I was like, I don't know. And then I was like, oh, yeah.

The answer to all of this with anything that at first— and I will say it's just music for me, at least— is that I just don't know it yet. That's it.

It.

I am never going to love anything from the first listen. I can think of maybe like 3 songs in my life, maybe more than that, that you Shazam because you're like, this is going to be my favorite song. My favorite songs ever are not that for me. They always grow on me. So I can never listen to an album right away and have a take, ever, ever.

That's the fun of an album. You come for this song and then you stay for these like 4 others that over time—

but we live in a world, especially around Taylor Swift, where it's like 5 minutes after the album drops, you need an opinion.

And people had an opinion.

Oh, and people have an opinion.

And they're all, like, taking it back now because it grew on them and they love it so much. I love to see that happen. And I think she does a really good job of not paying attention to it anymore either. I just worked with Kim Kardashian on this movie, and she is someone that is really good at not letting that stuff in. I would mention something to her that I had heard, 'cause we became really good friends, and she'd be like, "I don't know what you're talking about." And it would be, like, a thing that was everywhere. Yes. And it's not even like she's trying to keep it away or has people protect her. Protecting her. She just doesn't—

she's just living her life.

She obviously cares what people think about her. We all do. But for some reason, I think that it just becomes so much that you have to drown it out. It's like exposure therapy of so many people's opinions about me. If I responded to all of them or let them in, I would be dead. So you just kind of go, um, I didn't even hear about that. I'm like, the biggest thing— like, I'll tell you after the show what it was. It was something where I was like, I'm so sorry I just brought that up to you. I thought you would have had to go to intense therapy about that.

It happened the other day. I ran into somebody and and I won't say who, but she was like, how are you guys? Are you guys okay? Meaning us. And I was like, yeah. And then later I was like, what a loaded question. God, I wonder what that meant. That must have meant something.

And that's how I find out about stuff too, is always like your friends go, listen, I'm in your corner on this one. And I go, about what? Yeah. I go, I wouldn't know what's going on. And actually it's none of my business. Business. Thanks for supporting me, but I wouldn't know about this unless you told me.

Yeah, yeah, that's the dangerous— because I remain very oblivious, and it's always people reaching out to console me or offer support. Oh my God, I didn't even know. And then it got to this point where I got nervous my family was going to start defending me online, so I did kind of a blanket text to everyone in the family like, hey, I know everyone's there for me, there's no need to ever defend me, I'm great, blah blah blah.

Yes.

And then so my mom called me and she goes, I'm proud of what they're saying. And I go, that people think I abused Kristen? And she goes, oh, what's that? No, the thing about freezing your daughter's eggs. I'm like, wait a minute, that's a story.

That's the thing now.

I know. I'm in trouble for saying I would offer to pay for my daughter's— but it was just such a comedy of errors. Like, she didn't know about that thing.

Both of those were the dumbest thing. But you think she's talking about another thing and you're like, oh, there's another.

Now we're both informing each these other attacks, and I'm like, this is a disaster.

No, I was really thinking the other day, if I got canceled, I don't think I would know about it. I scroll and I see my names, but I have like my name blocked on Reddit. I have my name blocked on Insta. Like, it doesn't show up in my feed anymore. So I think I would not know. And if you don't know, it literally wouldn't affect your life. Because here's the thing, I remember I was talking to a comedian that had been very, very canceled, and it was like a year or so after their cancelation. And I remember he had told some anecdote to a bunch of comedians that he was shopping with his kids, and a woman like whispered in his ear, you fucking disgusting piece of shit, and then didn't even see it, and he was kind of alarmed and taken aback. I had empathy for that to happen to anyone. And I was like, now how often is this happening to you? And he was like, that's the only time. And I go, like, this week? And he goes, ever. It's mainly autographs and pictures. He was like, no one says anything in public.

So if he wasn't told by his publicist and wasn't online, he would never know, because people will never say it to your face. It's only online where you're canceled.

You're reminded, you go like, oh yeah, I don't bump into anybody in the world in real life that would ever comment in the way they comment online.

And then you remind me, oh, it's not real.

Mine is people who have lost their jobs. That has happened.

Okay, that. So I guess you would find out that way. Yes, that's true.

When security handed you that box.

Yeah.

But I don't read comments.

And they're like, I don't even have a desk here. And they're like, but we did pack it up. And here's your fired box that everyone gets. Okay.

I just, I want to go back to the eagle for one half second, please. I think once you acknowledge to yourself that the ego knows no satiation, it can't happen. Yeah, you actually can't fill the cup up, so you know just better. And then the id, like the terrible shadow in you that wants to destroy you and thinks you're a piece of shit, that's not valid either. So you really should be like you're saying, you need to be in the middle.

I think Harry Styles had a quote about like any trolls online, any bad stuff you read about yourself is bullshit, and so is the good stuff, it's equally as bullshit. I was like, that's so true, because you can go like, this guy is just a guy in his mom's basement like typing away and what a loser. But the guy saying good stuff about you is probably a loser in his mom's basement too. So why—

no, that guy's a genius.

That guy actually gets it.

He's like the competitor. See a dunce version of being in his mom's basement, you know?

And even people I respect who have suddenly been like, oh my God, you're killing it, and they say how great I am, I can even convince myself like, oh, they're just seeing the glowy version. They're seeing the Golden Globes, this polished thing that I worked on so hard with a lot of help. I go, that wasn't actually me. I can always kind kind of argue it away, deflect it.

Yeah, I do want you to work on that. I want you to be able to hear from us that you killed it at the Golden Globes.

Thank you.

And Jon Stewart's compliment got to you.

Yes, and I know, but if we're talking about ego and what is me— and maybe we got into this before, forgive me if I'm repeating myself from my last appearance— but I just don't believe in free will, and I don't believe that I have chosen to be a hard worker, I have chosen to be funny. I didn't choose anything that I got. So the fact that people are like, you work so hard and you killed it, and I'm like, all of it's luck. I didn't I didn't choose to have a brain that worked hard. I didn't choose to have parents that supported my crazy career and led to all of this.

You have a dad sitting in the front row of your standup while you talk about your vagina. You got blessed with that dad that could sit there. I was thinking, I'm going to be that kind of dad too.

You absolutely are that dad.

And I can't wait to be that kind of dad. But you got lucky that you got that kind of dad.

I was unlucky in some ways in life, but I don't internalize it like I'm so special. Like I'm special because I'm a human and I'm born. But it's not me who did any of this. It's just however I turned out, my brain chemistry and nature and nurture made me who I am. I didn't pick myself up from my bootstraps and people counted me out and I said, I'm gonna do it. Even if I did do that, the person that goes, I'm gonna do this, I didn't choose to be that. When some people get mad at a drug addict who's homeless and they go, he should do something about it, he should get help and pick himself up. And then they go, well, this other drug addict did it and he was even worse than him. It's like, well, he has a different brain. So maybe he had a little part of his brain or a little bit of nurturing in his childhood that he could reflect upon that that guy didn't have. So you can't expect that guy to do that just because they're with drug addicts.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the pockets of your jeans before doing laundry? Classic oversight. That mystery clunking in the dryer? Yeah, that was your lip balm's final moments. And somehow there's always one random receipt in there to dissolve into confetti. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Co. and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Well, the misleading part is it is true that hard work leads to acts. Yes, and I have demonstrated hard work, but also, for whatever reason, reason I'm capable of hard work.

Yeah, you got the ability to work.

Hard work is a talent that you were gifted with.

Exactly.

Just like anything else.

Wrestling myself into submission to do hard work.

I don't know if this resonates with you, but I didn't know that hard work was a talent I could be proud of because I was always ashamed when people would say, congratulations on your success because you deserve it because you work so hard. I always took that as a dig of you're not really talented, but you stuck it out long enough. And we could be you, but we didn't wake up early enough.

But again, that's you finding shit no matter what.

Wait, then people who are just naturally talented, you go, you're so talented, and they don't get praised about working hard.

Yeah.

And then they feel bad that they don't work hard.

They want to be the hardest worker and the one with the most talent and everything.

I don't want to be Sun God anymore. I just want to be happy.

Okay, now back to one part, and I think it's what Monica's approaching. So I'm fine with your whole program unless— because this is something that I discovered in therapy. Therapy. The therapist is like, do you make yourself smaller for other people? Anything that I get that's great— if someone says like, oh man, you got a Ford GT, there's a waitlist— my first reaction is like, oh yeah, but then you got to put this fucking $7,000 wrap on it, and it's such a pain. Like, I have to diminish that because I feel guilty I have this thing and the other person doesn't. I know they would want it.

I do that all the time, but I think it's the right thing to do.

I don't think it is. I don't think you need to be adjusting yourself out of fear of how that other person's gonna feel about it. And the word that he used that that broke through for me is he said there's a difference between being arrogant and being presidential.

Hmm.

Like, think how you think of the word, excluding recent history, what presidential means. With a lowercase p. I have this role and I walk tall and I represent my country with pride. I don't make myself small.

Women can't be president, so I can't even begin to measure. Well, like, truly, I think that's what's holding me back from Even relating to that kind of wording.

So how about this? Chancellor-esque. You have to be a German chancellor.

Secretary of State. I think that's the highest. Secretary. Vice President. Secretary.

Just stop there.

That's why they let the women have that role so often. Exactly. They're like, the word's in it.

Maid of the State.

But that's actually telling.

There is something that I don't think, I'll speak for both of us, can necessarily relate to because that is not a skill that women have been told is good.

You could look at Andrea Marrakesh. And you can envision what that woman was.

I don't even know what she looks like.

A tall, regal German.

German chancellor.

Confident, in charge, not arrogant, masculine, not a braggy—

but like masculine. I don't want to be that. No, I know, because it's not soft and feminine. I've never looked up to women in politics because I'm like, I don't want to wear pantsuits. We've been trained that that's its own thing, and that men don't want to fuck that. If men want to fuck you, then that's when you I want that good stuff.

Exactly.

Let's be clear, not getting fucked. I don't want that, but I want the things that they give you when they want to. Yeah, that's right. I will make people maybe feel better. I will say things that are true about what sucks about the thing I got, not just to say it. I will say, but here's the other side of things, but I'm not gonna lie about what I have anymore. These are just facts. I'm hosting the Golden Globes again. I'm telling that to a friend who is trying to get by. That sucks to tell them. I realize the disparity, but I'm like, well, it's just a fact of my life that I'm excited about, so I have to say it. I'm sorry to name-drop Kim again, but when I was working with her, people would hold up umbrellas so people couldn't see her. I was saying to her posse of people, I'm like, do you ever just watch people lose their mind when they don't expect to see her? It's like she just gets to walk around and give people gifts and the best story that they maybe get all year. That's what I delight in, because I used to love seeing famous people or like buy snaps of the stars' homes.

When I drive past a TMZ truck, I'm not kidding you, I roll down the window and I go, I'm Nikki Glaser, I hosted the Golden Globes. If you care, if you want to get a picture, because I know what it's like to be on one of those bus tours with like family and be like, we didn't see anyone, we just drove past the old Roxy.

Viper Room, they'll take you there. Nothing's happened there in 45 years.

Yeah, when you drive past them, make sure you wave and say hi. It's not gloating, but you're giving the guy who's doing the tour a boost in his like, oh, when he goes to his team meeting, well, we got one celebrity today. Like, and it used to be a joke. I used to be like, I'm friends with Amy Schumer, like when I was nobody. Like, I used to make a joke of it, and now I'm like, speed up and pull up, let's give them something. Most of the time I'm like, this is kind of embarrassing cuz people are like having to Google like, who is that? Or like What? But if two people—

Ricky Krauser.

Exactly.

Ricky Krauser.

Eliza Schlesinger? Is that her?

But if one person cares, it's like, that's so fun for them.

I think about myself as a young person or someone even now, like going to parties and like seeing celebrities and how it delights me.

Also, you use the word deserve, which I think is interesting. I think deserve is something that gets stuck in our heads as a problem. Like, I don't think I deserve any of this. And I don't think you do. And I don't think you do.

I don't think anyone deserves— How dare you? Sorry. Canceled.

I don't think anyone deserves anything good and anyone deserves anything bad. You get what you get.

Well, I disagree a little bit. No one knocked on my door and said, you want this life, right? That part is true because I was moving around like I won the lottery and don't deserve to be here.

I mean, you belong.

That's different. You belong.

You did a lot. Yes.

But deserve is like, you know, I just moved into a house and people are like, oh my God, congratulations, you really deserve it.

And I'm like, I don't deserve it. I hate that word so much. Right when you just said it, I'm like, yeah, I don't deserve it.

I have it and I'm excited it's a privilege to have it.

And they're almost saying it to shit on people that they're thinking of that didn't deserve it. It's almost about other people. It is.

There's some comparison in that.

I get that all the time of like, you deserve this fame. And I'm like, who are we really talking about here? Who do we want to shit on who doesn't deserve it?

Exactly. And I'm with you on making it back because I'm like, oh, because like I'm ugly?

I had to work extra hard.

If I was pretty, I would obviously have a house.

And then you're like, is that where your mind goes?

Well, you know, I go there too. So much. That's so interesting. But how do you deal with being a recognizable figure when it wasn't the thing that you— were you thinking about it as a kid of like, I want to be— Oh, you were.

But not for this.

Right.

Obviously it wasn't a thing.

To be on Friends, the reboot.

Yeah. To be on Friends was the dream.

That was the dream. I was just saying that the other night. When I was in 6th grade, I was like, I'm going to be Jennifer Aniston. I'll have a sitcom when I'm 25. Obviously. And I'll be on maybe a couple soap operas before then. And I have no other plan of how to get there. I'll be on Ferris Bueller, the TV show. I'll get discovered. I know where I'm going to land. I'll be in Leprechaun. I know how this ends. I will get a famous haircut and then I will be famous forever. And that's just how it works.

That's right. I may or may not marry Brad Pitt. I don't know.

Exactly.

I'll decide then.

Yeah.

I'm sure you feel the same then, because if you wanted to be an actor and you are, and you just did a movie, which is very exciting.

Yeah.

But you're known for this thing you probably at the beginning didn't think about.

No. It was just the only way in that I was good at.

Yes, exactly.

It was the first way that was like, oh, I can maybe be on TV. And I'm getting feedback right away that I have a knack for this. It was the first time I ever felt, okay, I guess this is gonna be it. Yes, I love it. And yes, I love comedy, but it was just the first thing I was good at. I would've done anything if people would have told me I was good at it. I would have a totally different life based on just one person being like, you've got this.

You've got the mind of an engineer.

Really?

No, but what if someone said that to you?

That's humiliating how excited I just got.

Well, no, I'm just saying, when you pursued engineering—

yeah, yeah, I know what you were being a character of someone saying that to someone.

Oh my God, Nikki the stand-up The messaging is mirroring real life now. This is wonderful.

It's so funny.

The good girl thing just kind of happened. I said you had a mind for engineering.

It was.

And it was like a dad told you.

It was absolutely like that. A man telling you like, you're good.

You're smart.

And you've got an A on your test and you've got something. There's a twinkle in your eye.

I think you're brilliant.

I'm not taking your compliments anymore until I know they're real.

I do, but I don't know enough about your brilliance to determine whether you'd be a good engineer or not yet.

I had a boyfriend tell me, he was like, you have the mind of a quarterback. And I like didn't know what that meant. And then I looked it up. It was the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life.

Okay. There was one topic that I've been in a weird way wanting to bring up, and there's never a time on this show where it feels like this is the zone, but I feel like you're the person I want to bounce this off of. We know about incels a lot. They're well documented. They're involuntary celibate men.

I just explained this to my assistant the other day. She had no idea what it was. We watched the Manosphere documentary on Netflix.

Incredible. Louis Theroux.

Loved it.

Great, great doc.

Everyone needs to watch that. She's 26. She had no idea what the Manosphere was.

Because again, even though there's a doc and I got rubbed up, it's a also no such thing. It doesn't mean anything as well.

It means—

that's why she didn't know.

Well, she doesn't know because she's not getting it on her feed.

I'm hopeful. It's a window of like 12 to 16-year-old boys. All their audiences are like junior high kids. Yeah, they don't know what the fuck they're—

it's terrifying. Yeah, think of the things you consumed when you were that age that made you who you are today. It is who you are.

Raising Arizona. I've been trying to be Nick Cage.

It's who you are. It's terrifying.

It is.

Yes.

While they're being shaped.

Yes.

Okay, so the incels we would describe—

okay, to me, voluntary celibate.

Yeah, involuntary celibate. And then in absence of that, they become misogynists. Like, they hate women. They think that they're entitled to sex. There's like a very predictable outcome. Now, I want to pitch a thought I've had recently, which is I think there needs to be the commensurate term, which would be V-cels, which is voluntarily celibate. I think there's a lot of single younger women who are voluntarily celibate.

Interesting.

And not in relationships.

Who, who are you thinking?

Like, what I'm saying is all these people that are convinced I'm beating Kristen, none of them are married. People.

Oh, right. Well, they'd never had a relationship. Well, no one in a marriage is like, oh, they've been together 19 years. I bet he's being harassed. A lot of what I read that I loved, and I know you didn't get a lot of feedback— tell me to stop if you don't want any kind of me echoing anything I heard— but what I did like that I heard was this seems to be inside jokes that you make in your house that we all do, but it's seeing the light of day, and none of us have to deal with the stuff we joke about with our husbands ever going out there. And we would be canceled for the same thing. So it just seems like they made a mistake in airing something that they joke about all the time that truly is— it's not like you're doing racist jokes. And I think a lot of people got that because I was really proud of the little sects of Reddit that got it.

I mean, I truly believe 90% of people, but when I look at who was outraged and who is publicly defending her, was people who've never been in relationships, never been in a relationship, and never have had that kind of strange intimacy.

Because I even had to reflect on my own and be like, what's my thing that I would joke about? And I had so many.

But just like the boy thing breeds misogyny, I do think the voluntary celibacy, it breeds something.

I think these women want partners. It's just really hard to find one because a lot have been manosphere'd and we're just not connecting anymore. We're not going to bars, we're not meeting up. The apps are horrible. And so I think that women may say they're being voluntary, but I think it's just out of not having any options. And then whenever you're angry about something, 99% of the times there's some jealousy rooted in it. So I think there's a jealousy of we just wanna take down anyone we're jealous of. And these two seem to be happy. And working.

There's a parallel. I was watching a 60 Minutes segment on Sovereign Citizens, which is this weird growing group of men who reject the government and they won't carry a license, and they were shooting cops and they were suing municipalities. Like, it's a whole movement. And in this piece, they had a social scientist on. It was like almost 100% of the members used to have pretty good blue-collar careers that they lost. Things shut down in their town, and So for those people, if the system doesn't include you, the system has to be flawed. It's the only way you can survive that, right, is to go like, well, if there's a system that wouldn't include me, I'm worthy of being included. The system has to be corrupt.

And I think if you're like, relationships don't work, they don't work because the ones I've dated have sucked and I'm not getting asked out, so already I must be being repressed and it must be terrible.

I'm just curious if you think there's any validity to this point of view.

The validity I see is that the backlash to whatever you went through, I think, was spurred very intensely by people just not understanding that kind of intimacy, whether that's the kind of intimacy they want or not.

Sure, sure.

People don't always have dark senses of humor. They can't understand why that would ever be funny. And it's certainly people that have been in abusive situations or had their mom beat, or anyone is going to personalize that and be like, that's not funny ever. And that's really actually not fair, to be honest.

We both grew up with domestic violence.

Exactly.

So if you tell me how domestic violence works, I can tell you those guys who beat my mom's ass never went online to find out if it was acceptable from someone. That's not actually how it works, which is mad.

They didn't do it because someone made a caption on an Instagram and they go, oh, they've joked about it. Maybe I should do it tonight.

That's not how it works. So you want to be really mad about a hypothetical scenario that's inevitable?

People get mad when you make jokes about things that they're unhealed from. That's just the case. And we all have our things. And I love Sam Harris. And Sam Harris says, I'm paraphrasing, raising, but to define yourself by what you're offended by, it's not interesting what you're offended by. That shouldn't be something that defines you or that you should think anyone should be interested in. It's not cool, but people don't have identities. I know, especially white people. We don't have culture. And I've said this a million times lately because it's been coming up for me a lot, but like we're looking for something to make us feel like a part of a group and to be like, I'm offended by this makes you feel like you have something.

A community. Yes. Of other people that are mad.

Me too, me too, me too.

And it gets you attention. Cause you're like, like, I'm sad about this. To people, anyone listening being like, she doesn't get it, I am upset. I know you are. Yeah, I'm not saying it's fake. Yeah, I'm saying I don't think someone who has, you know, a headache because they have anxiety doesn't mean they're not in pain, or like back pain because of anxiety. I think a lot of back pain is in your head, but it doesn't mean I don't think it's painful. It doesn't mean I don't want to hug you and say, so sorry you're going through this pain, but it is in your head.

The pain is real. Yes, but where is it coming from?

Yeah, and your sadness is real about this, and your anger about it is real.

You can bond I hate Taylor Swift. That's a way to bond with another kid at school.

Who are you gonna find?

But what are you going to do with this bond? What are you going to boycott? There's nothing to do. Whereas if you say, I love Sabrina Carpenter, now you guys can like, we should go see a concert. Yeah, we should get her new album. There's things that can grow out of bonding over things you like. It's a dead-end street to bond over what you hate.

You're so right, because I'm trying to think of anything I hate that I really get along with people because we hate it so much, and it really dead-ends a conversation. Like, you can kind bitch about it for a little bit.

You could protest.

Now that you brought it to protest, I'm like, yes, I think it is important that people get together and create community around things that suck. But the other night I was complaining about— I think I'm the only person on the planet that was disappointed by U2 at the Sphere. I went to go see it, I had all the expectations. They were the first people at the Sphere. I read every good review. I was ready to have my mind blown. Maybe the bar was too high, but I was so disappointed. Not in how they sounded, but they didn't use the screens. They used the screens to make something really cool where you're like, whoa, it's the desert, or whoa, it's Vegas. Not something to make you sick. I just mean Use the fucking screen.

Yeah, the contraption we paid to be inside of.

I would say 60% of the show, the screen was only being used like the movie theater size. They were only like doing their images. And I'm like, you're opening this for— you use the screen for every goddamn song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was at this party talking about this, and I was getting so fired up. Literally, it's going to be a part of my next act. Cuz someone goes, well, it's really costly to make those screens. And I'm like, if I'm fucking Bono, if I'm having sex with Bono, I would say to him— no, if I'm Bono and I'm going to the tech rehearsal and I'm watching the screens and I go, we only are using— that was cool, that was cool, and that was cool, but the rest are not cool. Oh, it's gonna cost too much? Out of my pocket. This is the fucking sphere. You're YouTube. You have enough money. I don't want to hear about budgetary restrictions unless there's not technology in order to make that. But if you did it 3 times, you can do it 20. It was no excuse to me. I was so upset about it. And I went home and I looked online for anyone who was saying what I was saying. And this was like well into their residency. Not one. Wow. And I was in the depths of Reddit. I was like ready to get the dark web and get like an external browser or something to find anyone.

Not one person.

You were all alone.

That was exciting to me because I'm like, that's funny now that I don't have a community. Yeah, there's something there.

There's no reward to this anger I'm feeling.

Yeah, that's more interesting than if I had a bunch of people to talk about it with and to shit talk with. I'm like, I'm a lone wolf. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I had to reflect on it. But I was telling a story the other night. I'm sorry, all the name drops, but I just recently kind of became friends with Chris Rock, and I was talking to him about like, how do we come up with new material? I am kind of stuck right now. I need a new hour. My hour's about to come out. I'm losing all that material. I have to go on the road in August, and he's like, read, you know, he just told me you have to read, like feed the engine. And I'm like, wow, I do. But then I was going off about you too, and he goes, that, do that. And I was like, thank God you said that, because comedians always used to, like, when we were starting up, always used to be like, that's a bet, do that, do that. And you were constantly helping each other. No one does that anymore.

Yeah, well, in success you get more isolated.

Yes. I've told my friends recently, like, if I say anything, please just tell me to write it down, because that's the only way I'm going to generate, because I don't sit and like, to your point, I wanna circle back just for a second.

I do think there is a current talking point a little bit. You know, I think there was an article that said, is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend? Or I'm embarrassed to have a boyfriend or something.

Have you heard that? I did like the memes after Heated Rivalry that were like, after watching this, when I see a man kiss a woman, I'm like, that's fucking gay. Like, I love that. Cause I just felt that way too.

I'm like, there's nothing more masculine than two guys going at it.

Testosterone squared. But finish your point. There's a whole thing of like, it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend.

They're innately subjugating or something?

A younger generation than us, I think probably like the one right under us that's like, is it okay to have a boyfriend? Because boys do bad stuff.

It's like you can get canceled for like—

Exactly. Which is insane. It's insane. It's so insane. It's also, again, just the thing that women have been trying to do forever, which is say we're our own people.

I think it's embarrassing to have a husband, to be honest with you. Like for most people, for most people, because to me, so few people find And like, you have a relationship that I admire where I'm like, if I got married, I would want it to look like that. But I feel like so many people get married and it doesn't look like that. And it's just to get married. And I think it's embarrassing because you're locked in so much more. And I'm like, oh honey, you have to get a divorce. Having a boyfriend, you can cut and run, whatever. Get a boyfriend, but a husband, be more mindful. I do think you're right.

There's a little tinge in the air that's men are bad or not all men, but all men.

Yeah.

You know, there's reasons.

People think like that.

Manosphere stuff and obviously our president and things like that have caused people to be like, ah, men, oh no, oh my God, I don't want to be affiliated with that. I don't want people to think I'm signing off on that.

I know, that's so sad and that's so dumb. And it's really not all men at all. There's so many great men out there. And it sucks that these girls that are meeting guys online— it is hard to find even girlfriends that are cool.

Yes.

Like, think of how many awful girls there are out there. It's just as hard to find a guy that you want to hang out with. But I would advise girls to like be friends with guys and then date them after. Don't put so much pressure on going on dates. I've ever considered going on dates with someone, I get so nervous because I'm like, you're meeting someone to have coffee, and what's really in the air here is, are we gonna suck each other's genitals forever and ever? Exactly. Exactly. That is so much pressure. Even just, are we going to get nasty together? Are we gonna hump each other? That's a lot of pressure over a coffee date. I think it's best just to start— just get guys friends and keep them after you find a boyfriend. And men, keep your girlfriends. We should all keep having friends of the opposite sex.

We're in it together, y'all.

Yeah, exactly. That's right.

Can't split into two camps.

No, that's right.

It's not gonna work.

Once you get a boyfriend, you shouldn't not be allowed to hang out with guys that are your friends.

Yeah.

And girls, you gotta let your guy friend have girlfriends. You have to, because they need to get their emotions out. And girls ask about emotions and guys don't. So they're gonna put their emotions on you, and that's not sexy to you probably. And if it is, great. But a A lot of times he's not gonna feel sexy after sharing his emotions.

He can't be the only one.

So let him do it to some girl that is gonna ask him about his feelings that is not gonna wanna fuck him after he shares them. And for good reason, cuz they're friends.

Okay. I have one question before Good Girl, which unfortunately you're gonna have to hear that I loved it.

Of course. Oh, I don't want to, literally don't wanna talk about it.

We're gonna have to. I'm gonna force you to promote your project. Yeah. You did a great job at the Golden Globes again. Thank you. I'm so glad you're the go-to host now.

It was so fun. I'm so glad you guys were there.

That was so fun. It was so good to see you up there.

You really nailed it.

It's so fun when you have a personal connection with somebody. Now, all of a sudden, I feel— I mean, I hate to use the word, but proud. Like, oh, yeah.

Same, Freelance.

Same. It's such a good feeling.

It's so nice to get these friendships that you meet from doing the job, that you're really rooting for people. Yes, exactly. Because there's so often, like I was saying before, you don't root for people because of jealousy or whatever, or like you don't like them, but it's awesome.

So when you watch the Oscars, did you watch the Oscars?

Yeah. Oh yeah.

So when you're watching award shows now, is it like a completely different experience?

Yeah. Once I was in the business, I knew the work that went into it. You know, I saw his monolog, I think it was exactly a week before he was doing it at Largo. It was so great to hear the jokes and be like, oh fuck, that was a good one. And it was all the same stuff that I was covering, right? Same movies. So it was like, oh, we fucking missed that one. Begonia and what was the other thing where deli meats? Begonia and Marty Supreme sound like off-brand deli meats. Like that is just there. Like it's not, I mean, it's a brilliant joke, but I'm like, we looked at that from every angle. How did we not stumble upon that? So, watching the Oscars for me, I'm like, "Oh my God." All of the shoots he had to do for it, all the pre-tapes. Even the pre-tape at the end, I go, "You're doing one at the end?" So much work leading up to it. And the way that they were able to make it look like he was in all those films, the lighting setups, like how much work went into each of those to look so seamless.

I thought that was done so beautifully. Then the song with Josh Groban and the set design. The jokes were probably the least worrisome part of it, but I just watched him walk offstage. He was kind of rolled offstage on top of that mountain, and I was like, "This is the best moment of his year." right now.

Is it done?

Yes.

Killed.

Yeah, it's over. That's what you do it for.

You have a respect.

I do it for walking off, turning around and walking off. As I walk past the presenters, I'm like, I'm done. Like, the rest of the show, who cares? Yeah, that's over. Yeah, yeah. And that's the best feeling in entertainment.

That kind of reminds me of the axiom, like, I hate to write and I love to have written. Yes, that's basically it. It's like, I hate doing it and I love having done it.

Oh, I think that's everything in life. I hate going to Pilates, I love having done it, right? Yeah, I don't anything good for you.

Sex is one of the freebies.

It's great while you're doing it, but sometimes afterwards you're like, if it's really good for the wrong reasons, you can regret it. And sometimes during it, I have often been like, when is this over so I can say I did it and I don't have to do it again for, yeah, a month and a half? Check it off the list. Yeah.

Okay, so that's actually one of the really funny parts of Good Girl, your special on Hulu that comes out on April 24th. You talk about when you look fuckable, everything is great, and the worst part is having to fuck.

Yeah, I mentioned that before.

I repeat my own joke in here early on the podcast, but yes, heartbreakingly true.

I'm kind of obsessed with this thing of like looking a certain way gets you stuff in life and how that's unfair if you're not just born gorgeous. But then now there's this whole thing that you can become gorgeous with enough money. This sounds so horrible, and I would hate listening to this if I was not financially doing so well, but there's a burden that comes with the money that you can do whatever you want to look the way that you're like, I'm failing because I'm not doing the BBL and the facelift and the lasers. And there's always a new one coming out and some skin cream that you could do it. It's like you could do that diet. It's like that failure that you feel of anything that you could do that you're not doing. And if you were prettier, what could you get? Because I don't think that my career and my success is based solely on my talent. It's based on looking good on TV too. I don't think I'm like the hottest person alive, but being a pleasant woman who someone deemed fuckable—

Historically, that works.

It does. Yeah. You're insane to think it doesn't. And when people tell me you don't need to worry about it and don't focus on that, and that's really sad that you focus on that. I really felt bad about myself for a while that I was like, it is sad that I'm so obsessed with this, but I'm like, no, you live in reality. I just want to get things in life. I want to make money that I can then do good with, to be honest with you. I'm trying to be hot so people pay me more so I can open an animal shelter. Is that really a talent? You're trying to be hot for charity. Because it works. The hotter you are, you don't have to work. There are models that are literally, people go, she's a legend, an icon, a queen.

And she has $100 million.

And you've never heard her talk. And not to say that modeling isn't a talent because it is. It's really hard to be good at it, but it is way easier than writing scripts. I think I used to be mad about it when I was less intelligent about like, she's just hot. She's only getting it 'cause she's hot. And it's like, that's just the way the world works. Exactly. Yeah.

A great joke and it's like, are you mad at the girls that thought their brain was so weak that they had to go get a sociology degree? Is that vain?

This whole thing of like, why'd you have to change your face? Be happy with what God gave you. But then a girl is going to get an education. No one goes, just be happy with the brain that God gave you. When I realized that, I was like, yes, that's the same thing. But no one shames a woman improving herself if it's not esthetically, because that's not threatening. Women and men are threatened by pretty women. I myself included are so much more judgmental of a hot girl than I am a smart girl. A smart girl, I'm like, she's threatening to me in a way that I'm not even competing with her.

I get that.

It's a different thing. Yeah, it's a different thing. But to be somewhere on the spectrum of hot, because some people are just like, that's not me at all. Like Fortune Feimster, I did a show with her. There's no part of her that's like, if I did this— she is what she is and she's not trying to be a feminine, sexy woman. And she would be the first to say that's not like a rude thing to say. Yeah, she'd be the first to say it. But to be somewhere on the spectrum where it's like, literally, I think a spray tan or lash extensions would amount out to 1,000 more likes if you have 3 million followers. Do you know, like, it has numerical value in the system of Facebook or anything. It does. So it's not sad to do it. And yes, it is sad when women do too much and it ends up not looking the right way and people get so mad about it. But feel bad for her. She went to a wonky doctor, or she has body dysmorphia in her brain. It's not like she wants to look like— people who go, she ruined her face, we all know the actress I'm talking about when I say it.

Like, there's one or two in mind that you have where you're like, she ruined her face and men are like, oh, I used to want to fuck her, now she's disgusting. It's like, first of all, she's 64, so you wanted to fuck her when she was 32, but like, she's a different woman now and she may have done stuff to her face, but she's trying to be the girl that you knew in those movies.

And she did it for you.

She did it for you. She didn't ask for that.

That's the only part you're going to get an argument from me.

Oh, okay, bring it on. I love it.

Cuz I think it's for each other.

For women? Yeah, sure.

Cuz I can say it for me, I've gotten to a point where I have more muscles than women like, for sure. Men who I don't know grab my bicep and they're like, oh, would you die? Right? And I have status among my gender from these muscles, and I love it.

But women and gay men are kind of dictating show business culture of what is being lifted up as gorgeous, queen, slay. And so whether a man wants to fuck you or not, men are kind of falling in line with the monetary value of the gays and the girls wanting to be you. Yeah. That's money. Selling cosmetics to women, selling a brand to women. We should be doing it for each other. But you are injecting to get back to the way you were when men wanted to fuck you. It doesn't work, but it's the best option you got.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that, but it's like, you'll know if Monica has the Ro on. I won't, and no man will ever know.

I won't either, but I understand what you're saying.

You know what I'm saying? And I have a car that you don't know if it's the turboed one or the— but every man knows.

Exactly.

My status is among other men, and your status is among other women. Yeah, that's how we are as primates and gay men.

Like, those are the women. That's it.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. I just think a lot of times we blame the opposite sex, and I don't even think that's actually cool.

I think that's not fair. I agree with you.

It's like you're getting passionate for each other because guys don't give a shit.

We know that men don't like the big blubbery lips, but here's the thing: you do like us with makeup. You don't like us with a ton. You do like us with some. You do. And I know you're gonna say, no, Kristen's so much more beautiful when she wakes up in the morning is bare-faced.

I really think that. And I tell Monica all the time, like, I get to see Monica both versions.

I don't think you would have initially fallen in love with Kristen or had that attraction to her. She was wearing no makeup when you met her? Yeah, like first thing in the morning, like so sleepy.

And like, she's an exception, and we can acknowledge she's been gifted with— she has the most self-esteem of anyone. That's why I love— she's a perfect partner.

She's so confident and it doesn't hurt her.

No, she doesn't have the insecurities I have and you have and Monica has.

And some would argue, well, maybe it does hurt her and she didn't tell you it hurt her and she's just taking it because she wants to keep you around.

Yeah, that's someone who's projecting their insecurity.

That's something I would do in a relationship. I'd be like, he always makes fun of this thing, but it seems to really delight him that he makes fun of it. So he seems to like that I take it. So I'll be the cool girl.

This is back to the thing with Kristen that I want to say publicly, which is don't insult my wife. She doesn't need your protection. You don't need to diminish her. That's what pisses me off. My wife has total fucking autonomy and is a gangster. So when you say that you need to come in and protect her, it's actually offensive to her.

Exactly.

That's why the whole thing set up.

That was my comment.

Yeah. You're insulting her by saying you're going to go protect her. She's fucking good.

Can I tell you a joke I was going to do at the Golden Globes about it?

Yes.

But I didn't do it because I'm friends with you and I was like, I don't want to make his life harder.

I'm kind of flattered to even be in the mix.

Oh my God. Well, now that we're friends, I have a feeling I know what you can take and what you can't take. And now that you know how I feel about that situation— I can tell Sean Penny looks like a leather handbag because I literally am attracted to him. If I literally thought he was disgusting, I don't think I would have been able to say it. I was already questioning saying that, then I was like, no, you actually think he's hot, so this is fine. It was, um—

How nervous are you?

I'm not. My only thought is, do I want to pour fire on it, but we'll decide that later.

You can take it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to hear it. I definitely want to hear it.

Die, my love. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Sorry, baby. These are not just captions to Dax Shepard's Instagram post for Mother's Day or like for Kristen or for his— no, these are not just Dax Shepard captions for his anniversary post. These are movies nominated tonight. That's very funny. But I didn't do it because also, like, it was old news by then, but mostly because I didn't know where you stood on— I wasn't one of those people that reached out like, I got your back, man, because I'm like, maybe he doesn't even know about this.

You know, I was alerted by someone that this whole thing was happening. I didn't know. I knew through her publicist but didn't tell me, so I actually didn't know.

And this was brought to my attention for like a couple days, or like how long?

Oh, a week and a half.

Stop.

Yeah, I I had no clue.

Wow. It was like already kind of out of the news cycle by the time someone comforted me and I was like, what?

And then I had to go to Kristen. What are they talking about? She's like, oh, that post I had.

You do a good job then of like staying away from stuff about you.

I just— well, I don't know, right? It's hard for me to know.

That's the thing that bothers me is like, this is what you're talking about right now of all things? You fucking losers are wasting your time on getting angry about this. Go Read some files.

Why don't you pay attention to what's going on in the real— I very much stay away from comments. I don't comment on anything.

I loved it.

Thank you.

I couldn't, and I don't— I know you don't do that because I knew that was out of character for you, but he's like, this is not— phrased it perfectly.

But I cannot see this again. Also, I went to like a brunch before the Golden Globes for The Cut. They asked me about it there. They asked us about it on the red carpet.

The whole time we did red carpet.

Oh, every interview we did was about Cher. Well, now we're talking about Cher.

That was the I read. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, the Cher thing too.

Oh my God, 100% of our interviews on the Golden Globes. Again, it feels beneath me to even defend myself, but the thing that drives me nuts is like, we released it, we posted it. You know how I feel about it. I think it's hilarious. That's why I posted it.

Exactly. Not only that, but the headlines about it were so much worse than what it was once you watched it. But people don't watch things because they have to watch an ad first on Daily Mail or whatever. They don't want to watch Mario Lopez talking them about something to get to the thing. So they just read the quote, or they don't even read the quote, they just read the headline, and that's all it is. And that is the most frustrating thing about being in the spotlight and having your words taken out of context. I'm just stressing to everyone at home who reads celebrity gossip, as a consumer of myself and who's learned the truth about things after the fact from the source, watch the video that it's quoting in context. Watch the whole thing. Don't just watch that clip, go back to the podcast and watch the context of it. Be a savvy consumer, because watching the video, you're like, what's the big deal here? It just took one person to be like, that And then it fucking caught fire and no one writing about it even watched it.

Yeah.

And it sucks so much. It's really the most dangerous thing about this job.

Yeah. But I was like, it takes work to make a podcast. We decided to put that in. This was edited.

This is a show because they don't work on their journalism. They don't even know what hard work is because they're doing celebrity.

They think we were guests on Cher's podcast.

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Invited us on to let us have it.

Like what?

That was some kind of intervention that she wanted to have for you. And then they have music playing in the background of it, that it was this serious moment where she finally was saying what she felt all along. And she was being funny. People don't contextualize Cher as being a funny person either, and being like one of the wittiest women ever.

I can handle most of the abuse to me because I know America doesn't think anybody's good enough for her, and that's awesome, and she deserves that. So I can play the role. Anyone in my shoes wouldn't be good enough for her. And That's awesome.

It just— your name is Dax. You have a big personality. I have a podcast where you talk. We are going to find flaws about you that we can pit against you to say that you don't deserve America's sweetheart, that you don't deserve our snow princess. Having a podcast is putting you in the line of fire in a way that other celebrities aren't. You're going to say bonehead things. You're going to have vulnerable moments that people can attack. Like, you're a funny, kind of ridiculously larger-than-life person that's going to be problematic. Problematic in some way because it can't not be.

And I want all the upsides, so guess what? Yeah, I gotta take all the downsides.

Yes.

Okay, I want to talk about— she does 10 solid minutes on her vagina. A great 10.

Thank you.

Solid, strong 10.

Got it.

On your vagina.

Yeah, but some people don't like that.

Listen, this has been a waste of your fear. We love this. We love it. I just gotta tell you what— we love it. The description of her vagina, which she's insecure about— love it, love it.

That stuff. Yes. Oh, thank you so much. I was thinking about talking about women talking about their vaginas in general, female comics. Like, I'm always insecure about, oh, they're saying all she does is talk about her pussy. You read that comment about me constantly.

Wow.

And so I just lean into it cuz I'm like, but this is what the people want. This stuff kills.

Yeah, exactly.

That's the part of my set that I always wanted to take out because it was just like, these are just pussy jokes and it's not as high caliber writing as other stuff I work on. But it was undeniable. It kills so hard. It's like, well, you gotta give the people what they want.

Sometimes more than that. I'll say Maybe it's even more than that. Every man in the audience is concerned about the size of their penis.

Yes.

And every female's worried that their vagina doesn't look right. You are comforting all these people.

I wanna make girls feel less lip shame.

Sincerely.

Yeah.

It's profound when they're cutting to the audience and the way the women are laughing, it is with relief.

I agree. Like, as a woman that had a vagina that I would say I still have anxiety about the idea of hooking up with someone new ever in the future. Future of like, what if he doesn't like it? Or what if it smells a weird way? It doesn't go away even though I am so open and people can just hear what it looks like.

And yet you're still going to be nervous.

So nervous. So if I can give any woman a relief of I'm not alone in that, that's why I do it. Because I wish someone would have been talking about their sloppy pussies when I was coming up, when I was first starting to hook up and I compared myself to my friends and felt so disgusting and ugly. I would have loved that.

And I want to just tell you, as someone with a lot of male friends, we're We love it.

A lot of you do. Some of you don't.

There are dudes who have not even been with women. They're telling you what they think they want and they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about.

That's what I always tell women. When men are super horny, they don't see your stretch marks. They don't see your fat rolls. They don't see your floppy tits. They're kind of dumb. They're kind of like, duh, under a spell. Don't worry about the stuff. When a guy is horny and if his dick is hard, he's not processing cellulite. He isn't.

And you're not seeing his gut. You're looking at his shoulders.

Maybe if I'm turned on, I'm processing things. But if I am super wet and horny you get dumb. That's why you put your mouth near a butthole. Yeah, why would you do that unless you were kind of dumb? So you don't have the cognitive functioning to like take apart, dismantle someone's appearance when you're horny. So if a guy is horny, let loose a little bit, enjoy the ride. Exactly. Just keep it clean. Yeah, do keep it clean, you know, keep it clean, but don't worry about your lips down there. I do feel though that what you're saying is exactly right, but there are times where I will think about someone new and I'll be like, oh, but I wouldn't date them because this thing. And I'm like, how many fucking things do you got that is like that? Would you want someone to dismiss you for that thing? That's the nervous part, is in the dating phase before love. Because when you love someone, you really don't care about any of that stuff. It becomes hilarious, or you just stop seeing it. I was just on Instagram last night, and there was this account that's true celebrity skin texture.

They turn up the structure, you know, like that knob that turns up the shadows that brings out every imperfection in your face. And they do that for all the red carpet. I was proud to make it because it's a popular account, but I was like, oh yeah, I'm included on this. It's all A-listers. And I guess to mine and you could see my pores and the texture and just like, oh, it's like plate. And I'm comparing it to other ones, like, maybe that's not as bad as hers. And then I used to really love those accounts when I felt insecure and I wanted to see that celebrities weren't as pretty as they claimed to be. But then I was thinking about it and I was like, all these people in the comments are dismantling us and kind of calling us out for, oh, she's tried to hide this, but she couldn't. I commented, I was like, I am so ashamed of myself that I tried to hide my skin texture and pores when I was on a red carpet taking a photo that thousands of people would see. I need to be more honest more honest about my texture of my skin and more honest about my pores.

And I'm so ashamed that I tried to feel pretty in a moment where it is imperative that you look pretty. Exactly. And I will never forgive myself. I'm going to take some time to think about this.

I'm going to take some time away.

But I used to be one of the people that looked at that. I would never have commented like, eh, she thinks she's that. Like, commenting is insane to me, but I understand being like, good, oh, she actually has acne or whatever. But it just felt like a hit piece for like trying to look pretty. And I'm sorry that I'm on this red carpet and you're not on it, or that you feel like I'm lying to you. I'm not lying. I'll tell you everything I did.

But again, it goes back to like, no one in your whole life is ever going to come up to you and go, you've got shit skin texture. So you have to decide to walk into the room where people are at.

Yeah, yeah, right.

My glam team might be like, what's going on?

But yeah, they're lying at you with some hard truths.

My esthetician I go to see tomorrow might be like, you need to hydrate. But you're right.

And at some point, this is how I take my own responsibilities. Like, I have to go enter into this room where people are behaving this way. It's not forced upon me.

It's just jealousy.

And I understand man jealousy. Do you watch as much porn as you claim to in the special?

I go through spurts, but I have been watching a lot recently. And a lot meaning once I find the video I like, I'm done in literally 5 seconds. But I like to goon out for a little bit, rev up, and make sure I'm coming to the best one.

Yes, which is not possible. What about when you realize it was 4 ago? You're like, oh God, I should have committed 4 ago. And you know, you have this guilt of wasting time.

Why did you—

and Why did you get greedy? Why did you get so fucking greedy?

And I run out very quickly. Like, I have a joke in there where it's like sometimes you get suggested like, here's a fisting video, and you're like, ew, fisting. And they're like, you know, based on all the gangbangs you've been watching, we don't have any more. And it's like, I literally had gotten to the place where I'm like, I'm out of gangbangs to watch. I took a break from porn just because I was busy or something, not because I was having sex. I don't know why. And I went back to it and I was so excited that there were months of production that led to more coming out. Even though I love a vintage, like a pre-9/11 before the anxiety of that. Sometimes I do go back to like a 2001 and it's like, oh my God, it's like modern enough, but like the world was different and everyone was freer.

My question though was, are you scenario-driven or— I'm like very visually driven. Like I'm looking for something specific visually. Are you— is it very scenario?

Mine is about I want the guy to talk. I want the guy to be invested in it. I described in the special like I want him to be like almost a coach, like he's proud of what a crazy crazy whore she is.

Russian gymnast.

Yeah, like, he's like, you can do it. Like, it's a gangbang, it's some kind of like physical feat of like so many holes fisting, or like something that I'm not even imagining myself necessarily doing, but it's just something impressive. Like, this girl is such an insane whore, and she's not doing something like— there's ones like, when you're looking in this area, you get into enemas and pissing on them and stuff like that, where I'm just like, no girl's enjoying that. I can see a world in which a girl would enjoy getting fisted. I've heard a girl talk about it and said it was great, so in my mind I'm this girl likes this, but it's a hard thing to do. She's like, I don't think I can. And the guy's like, you can do it. And like, I love that he's proud of her and he's horny for what an accomplished slut she is. I really like that.

It's her work ethic.

Yes. So I need the guy not— I don't want him slapping her. I don't want him being mean to her or calling her a dumb whore, degrading, spitting in her face. Like, I don't like that.

Stern coach making her be better.

Yes. I like him to be stern. This is such niche because most gangbangs are rough gangbangs. And if the word rough isn't it, I can't watch it because I know she is not having a good time. And I know that this girl agreed agreed to this shoot because girls, once you look into the industry, it's so fucking horrible. They moved to Florida because they read about a Craigslist ad where they'll model for $1,000, more money than these girls have ever seen in their fucking lives. They work at Waffle House and they didn't graduate high school, so they fly down to Florida alone, they sign a contract that they don't have time to read, then they get thrown in a modeling shoot, and then things get brought in and they are suddenly on camera and their life is ruined. There's some amount of time that it takes before they shoot it for it to get back to their small town. It's somewhere around a month or so. No, by the time your dad will hear about it, and then they go back around town because they have no money and they don't want to get beat up and put in these positions where they get into it.

Porn, where when you're a young girl, when you're 19 and you're shooting a video that's all of a sudden turned into a gangbang that you didn't agree to, do you think a 19-year-old from fucking Paducah, Kentucky, who dropped out of school, has the wherewithal around these guys in Miami to go, actually, I feel uncomfortable right now? You just keep agreeing to stuff and go, I hope it's over soon. Yeah. And so I like to watch stuff that has made it reputable reputable studios, ethically sourced. Yes, but it's really interesting.

We do have some overlap then, because what I'm in search of— and it's so hard, I think it's easier to determine for the guys—

is like, it's very important to me that they love it, that the guy loves it. No, that the girl loves it.

Oh, absolutely, she has to love it. And then so you're looking for visual indicators.

I want to be a little scared.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, but like, it's scared in a way she likes, like the way people watch horror films. They're scared, but they like it. Like, I like her to eventually come. I like forced orgasm. Have you ever been into that, where the girl's tied up and she's like— you know, like after you come as a woman, multiple orgasms, after you come it's so sensitive. And after a guy comes, like, don't touch a guy's penis after he comes. Be very gentle because it hurts because it's so sensitive. It's like a girl being forced to like keep coming even after it hurts, but then it feels good again. But it's like, it hurts so good. It's called forced orgasm, and it's like girls being tied down. I always fought orgasms because they just feel like a loss of control that I wasn't comfortable with. I couldn't do it for a really long time when you were by yourself. Well, once I incorporated toys, but this is like my 30s until I actually was, because I was so embarrassed because you look weird when you come and you sound weird and it's like, yeah, it's vulnerable. And so I never let myself do it.

But then forced orgasm, it's like, it's not my fault. He made me like, I didn't want it. So I'm getting what I want without being responsible at all. Like, I didn't want to scream and look stupid and squirt all over the place or whatever happens. Like, that's just Me?

Yeah.

And then I think that's what's tied up in that.

Yeah, literally.

Yeah.

It's fascinating, isn't it?

It is fascinating.

We're fascinating as humans.

Yeah, we sure are.

We're so similar. And then also we're fascinating in these unique ways.

Yeah. But I do feel like porn does rot your brain. Like, I'm trying to take a break from it because my ideal sex is like being tied up and like all these things that require a lot.

The guy pulls his Sibylline out of his briefcase and sets it up in your room.

Exactly.

Like, I need him to go to, you know, At least you have real sex. I mean, the problem is for these young people who haven't had real sex and are just watching this, they think that really is—

that's the problem. Or they can't get off to anything that isn't their hand without lube. Or like, they don't even get off to a wet vagina cuz it's too slippery and not tight enough. Oh my God. Cuz they're just jerking dry. Or I have a friend who literally jerked dry so much as a kid and so tightly that vaginas are literally nothing to him. Like he can't come to a vagina because it's slippery.

Can we interview him?

Uh, you could, he would talk about it excessively. Shout out Andrew Collin. He's a comedian and he does a bit about it. He's hilarious. And like, yeah, I think it's bad for us, but I'm not doing it in succession. Like I've read about people with porn addictions where they come and then they have to do it again.

Yeah. Or they'll spend the whole day.

I just hit a vape and then I'll maybe eat too much. And then until I fall asleep, I'll cycle, rinse and repeat. You go from one thing to the next. Do you ever do that where you're like, I jerked off. Okay, now I guess I can eat. I'm done eating. I'm full. So now I'll vape weed. Now I'm anxious. I'm kind of horny again. Let me maybe, yeah.

Sounds like a great day, Nikki. I love having you.

I can't believe after this conversation we go from that to I have to go down the spirit tunnel like a good Christian woman that has never done nothing.

You're gonna do so great. Thank you.

I couldn't even find a clip for my special to play on Jennifer Hudson. It was all too dirty, and it was not even cussing.

Good for you.

I know this will be my first time, but I think I'm gonna set my DVR for Jennifer Hudson because I want to see how this turns out.

Look at it.

You can get it online.

Well, I don't know how to do that.

Go on YouTube and find it. Please don't watch it. It's going to be so embarrassing. I'm building it up too much.

So don't watch Good Girls?

It's too vulnerable. It's too exposing. I feel like if you watch it, you know way too much about me and I'm uncomfortable with it. If you watch it, just don't tell me in public because I get too embarrassed unless you absolutely loved it or something. But if you just watched it, that's the worst. I saw your special.

End of thought.

And then they just sit and you're like, oh, fuck. You know, like, that's the worst. But if you know me, don't watch it because I can't hang out with you if you watch it.

I walked into Kristen's set yesterday. I went and visited her on set. Set of her show, and I stumbled into someone I know, and he goes, oh hey, you're looking— and there's this long pause, and he goes, tan. And I was like, oh my God, he went through everything he could possibly compliment me on, and the only thing he could think of is tan. And I'm not sure, do you think that you looking was—

he was gonna say something else and he goes, that might upset him?

Like, he looked at me and he first thought, he's like, God, he looks so old. But he's like, I can't.

So that could be too. I'm gonna say it, it could be it.

It was Long pause and then tan. I was like, well, that's what you've landed on.

I think it's almost like you're saying looking as jacked as you might not be what's in anymore. Yeah, so him commenting on that might be insulting to you. Like, that's where we're at now.

I know, I'm watching the manosphere thing, I'm like, God, these guys have really bastardized being in shape.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, they really fucked it up for us. Yeah, nice guys who want to be—

I know. The other day I was at Pilates and this really hot girl, perfect Pilates body, model hair, just perfect skin and everything, I just caught her looking me up and down, really taking it in. And then she caught me seeing her and felt really bad because she was in a judgmental state of mind. I looked like shit. I was wearing like Crocs with socks, like black socks, white Crocs. I looked really bad. I really did. And I catch her seeing me and she feels bad, and so she has to come up with a compliment. She did the same thing. She goes, I love, love your— I love your phone case.

And I was like, oh my God, that's all we got?

And the funny part is I had just gotten one of those PopSockets on my phone case with a fucking big heart that was like a jelly heart that was so not this woman's style. It was horrific. It didn't even match my case.

Like, I put it on day before, and that was the favorite thing she had seen.

And she goes, it's so basic. Like, she followed it up with it. I go, is that in now to say basic?

It was like, you're being ironic.

I was like, I got a Chopped girl's compliment of like, she couldn't find anything. She like couldn't stop herself. It was so awesome. Really?

Yes. Great, man. Watching someone like ratchet through everything they could possibly see. Yes. And see like where the wheels go.

And she's just like, can't do the shoes, socks, can't do the spray tan, that's falling off, the set doesn't match.

I think there's letters in the teeth. Yeah. And it was such a It was probably the fastest thinking she had done in years. Like, like, Terminator. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, negative, negative, negative, not a match.

She looked like— I don't even think I was holding my phone case. It was like 3 feet from me, and she's like, phone case. So good. Oh no.

Oh, I love it. Okay, Nikki, please come back a bunch, a bunch of times.

I love you guys so much. I remember telling you, like, I actually want to be friends with you and I want to get lunch. I stand by that. I think about you all the time because I sometimes want to say that to girls to give them a just nice thing to say.

Yes, to be nice.

And I never do because I'm like, then it takes away what it meant when I told Monica. Like, it literally— I don't do it because I go, I say that for you. I really— you're the only person that I've said that to that I actually mean it. And I'm so sorry it hasn't happened, but I really like— I think about you all the time when I'm compelled to say that to people. So it means a lot to me. And it means a lot to me that you invited me to your housewarming. And we DM all the time. You say the nicest things, and I haven't really heard from you, but I feel like you can step it up a little bit. No, we had the best text conversation after my last appearance that impacted me greatly of what a great person you are, a friend that, like, whether we talk or not, that is in my corner. And it made me feel so special.

Oh, I'm at your disposal anytime you ever need it. I adore you.

So nice. So thank you for that.

Oh yeah.

And thank you for today. You're so fun.

All right, we'll come back and let's do it again. Everyone watch the Freedom Tunnel. What is it? Spirit—

yeah, yeah, please don't.

I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. I'm currently racing around COTA on a motorcycle. Circuit of Americas.

We can't wait to start over.

Why?

There was food in my teeth.

But I was talking. They won't be on you.

You don't know.

Cut to her. Make sure you're on her.

Yeah, you—

they won't show.

I don't trust— I don't Trust the process.

I didn't see— where was the food at?

Up here.

How do you know? You felt it with your tongue part?

Uh-huh.

Okay, I didn't see it.

I felt it.

Your lips covered it.

Oh my God.

Yeah, they saved you.

Go on.

Um, well, that's, that's currently— I may be— you might be hearing my voice right now, but currently, as this comes out, I am on the track in Austin.

Okay, and tell us what that means.

It means I go to the racetrack where they host the Formula 1 and the MotoGP race. There's a race on Sunday. I think it's the third round of the season. And then, then the following Monday, Aprilia does this track day. They make motorcycles. They have a bunch of motorcycles there and you ride all day long on the track.

But you're racing in the competition?

No, there's no competition. You're just out there.

Okay.

Racing yourself. Whoever's out there is who you're racing.

Oh, okay.

You're trying to pass people.

Okay.

Yeah. But there's no checkered flag.

All right.

That's not true. There is a checkered flag at the end of every session. Yeah, the sessions are 20-minute sessions. And as you're riding on the track, you'll notice someone's waving the checkered flag. That means come in. You gotta put your leg off the side of the motorcycle, let people know you're pulling into the pits. You know, these are little safety precautions.

I know, but you know what I like?

I like that each industry has their own verbiage and their own little rules. Ways of being that are specific to their history. They're just niche, niche elements, and it's like if you know it, you're in.

Yeah, there's, uh, several different flags that can be waved.

Uh, like when you wave the white flag, it means war is over.

No, white flag means one last lap.

Okay.

Yeah.

Doesn't it also mean the war is over?

Oh, that's a surrender. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

What you don't want is the black flag. If they point the black flag at you you've done a bozo error and you are being asked to leave the track because you're a dingus.

Another example of Black things being bad and white things being good.

Well, how do you explain the checkered flag? It's half Black and it means you've won the race. I mean, it's the best.

Okay, well, whatever, that's an anomaly. But the— okay, but the Black flag is bad and the white flag is hip hip hooray.

No, it's— well, surrender in your case, that means whites are weak.

Well, no, it's war is over, everyone's happy.

I don't think the side that surrenders generally happy when they were waving that flag.

The world is happy.

I've never had to wave it, but I'm guessing as you're waving, it's not your happiest hour.

Just keep your ears peeled for, you know, when you hear the word black in front of— I changed Jess's life by bringing this up.

Oh, you did? Tell me how.

He now— he sees it everywhere.

Tell me.

And he's always texting me, giving me examples of, you know, black— now I can't think of any. Okay, okay.

Black cat, right?

Bad luck. Black cat, you know. Yeah, things like that.

But here's where you get to decide. Do you think it's about black people I haven't said that, right? I'm saying you get to decide if you think that's in reference to Black people, or that darkness is night, light is day. Darkness is when it's scary. In blackness, you can't see anything, you're more vulnerable. Like, is it about light or is it about people? And then you— if you decide it's about people, then yeah, it's gonna be—

we just don't know. We know that Black Black, yeah, has a, has a often negative connotation, correct?

And is it based in darkness or in people?

Well, it could, it could be all mixy-moo, okay? You know, yeah, it could be chicken or the egg. It could be— there's a lot, you know, there's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot there.

Yeah.

But, um, anyway, just keep your ears peeled. It's kind of, it is actually kind of interesting and fun.

Yeah, I've, I've been aware of that, uh, in the past myself.

Yeah, yeah.

But I don't think it's about Black people. I think it's about lack of light.

Okay, well, we just don't know. We won't know.

We'll never know unless we find out who first said a black cat is bad luck. We'll define that. We're not gonna find that person. That's got to be— they got to be long dead.

I would love to invite them to my, um, ghost discussion group. My ghost celebrity dinner party.

Who would be at your celebrity My ghost one?

Yeah, it's a great question. Um, you know who I would invite? I would invite JonBenét Ramsey. Oh, let's get some answers, girl.

You want to find out?

Yeah, I really want to find out.

Well, that's a fun idea, is inviting people that could answer mysteries.

Exactly, I want answers.

Yeah.

Um, who else would I want there?

Who? Jesus, right? Uh, nah, really? You don't want to try to get eyes on him to see if he was like a snake oil salesman or sincere or truly the Son of God, or you don't even want to know?

I don't.

Well, this is— people might be very offended by this. I'm just like not all that intrigued by Jesus.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm intrigued by what people have done.

Well, he's clearly the most famous man to ever live, so in that respect, I would—

not because of necessarily who he was. Like, I think he might be boring at my table. Like, I want— and like, is he gonna get along with JonBenét Ramsey?

I think— well, if he's— if there's any kid— there's anything everyone agrees about him, he was very nice. He was a very nice, forgiving—

well, he was nice, but he was like, he had opinions. He had strong, morally, like, good opinions.

Yeah, the opinions were definitely— I agree with his forgiveness.

I I just don't know if Jomini Ramsay is gonna like feel judged.

Actually, she—

She's a child, so it's gonna be a rough dinner party guest regardless.

Maybe she can like come for the beginning and leave.

Come for dessert. That'll be the big surprise at the end of Darius. Like, we're gonna find out the end of a big mystery. Jimmy Hoffa, you could also invite and find out what happened to him, who killed him.

Who's he?

Hmm. Very famous. He was a Teamster boss.

Oh, right. That movie about him.

Yeah. Um, I want to say De Niro played Hoffa.

Yes, Scorsese movie.

Uh-huh. And there's a bazillion rumors about how he was killed. There's allegations he was mobbed up. He was taking Teamster money to, I think, invest in casinos. There was a lot of action happening.

I'm good.

You don't need to know about him.

I don't need to know about him. But oh, you know who I want to have? Charles Manson. Not at the same time as John, but Ramsey. I'm gonna keep those two apart.

He's not invited to dessert.

He's there for apps and apps only. But I really—

I wanna—

that's someone like kind of how you're, uh, describing Jesus. Yeah, that's how I feel about Charles Manson. Like, he got all these people under his spell.

Yeah.

And I want to see that.

You want to see if you can put you under his spell?

I just want to see what his personality— like, how do you do that?

What if he— what if he converts you in that limited time? You're not afraid of that?

I don't think there'll be time for us to go like do a big murder. Okay, so I think it's fine.

But I wonder if he could woo you into thinking he is the Messiah. I know, by the way, it could be a Messiah-only dinner, and it's a lot of people who've claimed to be the Messiah.

That would be really interesting. And then see how they clash because they're all going to be like really gunning.

I'm gonna have Muhammad at mine as well, the prophet for Islam. I'm gonna find, uh, I'm gonna try to get a read him as well.

Okay, so you're going to have Jesus and Muhammad.

The thing about Jesus is everything we know about him was written a couple hundred years after he died, unfortunately. So I do want to know, like, how accurate the description is with, with the real man. I would certainly— also, people would be— that's such a good future dinner party story, is to say I had dinner with Jesus.

Rob, if Dax and I came to you and we said we both came from dinner parties, um, Who do you want to talk to? Me, who had JonBenét Ramsey, or Dax, who had Jesus? You only get to pick one of us and learn information. What would you pick?

Probably Jesus. I don't think men are as consumed with what happened to JonBenét Ramsey. And just across the board, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that I think— like, I'm not terribly interested interested in finding out. Not because I don't think it's terrible that she died, but it makes no difference that she's unfortunately passed. Um, it's not gonna heal anything for me.

It's gonna bring closure to a very open-ended question that's very haunting. Like, I, I just really want to know if it's the brother. Oh my God, do you think—

see, I don't even know that that's an option. Yeah, I don't either.

No shade. And if he listens to this podcast, great, actually. And I, I, I thank you for listening, and I hope—

where did you get your theory? How about you tell me where you heard this?

Oh, it's a very, very common theory.

Okay.

And you—

did you watch the dog in the head with his bowl of pineapple and milk?

Oh, okay.

And it killed her.

That's a real serious bludgeon.

Oh no, no.

How old is he?

Well, now I don't know.

And at that time—

oh, he was a kid too.

That's why. Power to—

there's a few theories about the brother taking out some aggression on JonBenét Ramsey. And, um, the parents— of course, of course I would do this too. Maybe, actually, I don't want to say that. The parents, uh, did not want to turn in their child.

Sure.

No, so that's all this happened.

Okay, that's, that's an acting theory.

That's a big theory.

I can give you another example.

Okay.

I have no interest in finding out if there's more than one shooter for JFK. Like, I'm totally satisfied with that it was, um, Lee Harvey Oswald, right? I don't— I wouldn't waste a guest on that. I don't— it doesn't keep me up at night trying to figure out that whole thing.

Oh, you know who that reminds me of? Who I would have, but can I do a two for one?

I guess, yeah.

Okay, it's a couple, so let's just act like they're one. JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.

Because you're watching the show.

Yeah, and I've always been sort of very intrigued by them, and she's so fashion, and just like, I wonder, and I do want to know last moments. Moments.

Oh my God, from the airplane?

Yeah, like, what—

how did it feel? Like, what did you have?

Peace?

No, like, things like that. Like, did, did peace happen?

Well, you're not watching Madison, I can't imagine. Madison's a new Taylor Sheridan show. I'm watching it because Kevin Zegers is on it.

Oh, your friend.

And Zegers plays a very handsome studly cowboy. It's very fun to watch um, but the first episode, Kurt Russell and his, uh, brother die in a small aircraft, uh, and they get into weather. And yeah, as it's being at least executed in that, I'm like, yeah, you're completely blind all of a sudden. You're like now staring at, uh, gages. You don't know where you're at in time and space, and then you crash. It's terrible.

Horrible.

Like The feeling of everyone being disoriented, like, I don't know if we're flying up or down or sideways or left or right, and it's blind.

I mean, but I just wonder what happens to your nervous— like, I, I wonder if you really know. You're like, uh, yeah.

Well, I, again, I had that experience when rolling in the car. I was like, oh yeah, this is it.

I know it wasn't it, thank God.

Well, yes, but, um, whether you know or not, when you can decide this is going to end fatally is what I'm with you.

I know.

I just wonder if that— I guess that's sort of the thing I'm saying. We, we can't know what the difference is from feeling like you're gonna die and dying to feeling like you're gonna die and not dying. I just wonder, like, there might be some chem— true chemical difference that's happening in our body.

Yeah. I'm only offering you what it was like when my equivalent of looking out and we can't see anything, and we're looking instruments and you go, oh yeah, we're about to die. This is how that goes. So I've had that experience.

Yeah.

And that experience was far less terrifying than I would have guessed. My surrender to it was weirdly peaceful.

Yeah. Well, I want to ask them, and I want to ask them how they feel about the show that's currently out.

Okay, you want to see if they're watching it?

Yeah, I just want to see how they feel about a show being made about their lives and if they're like, actually, like, it's fine. Or if they're like, yeah, this is not accurate and we're pretty pissed about it.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. I would never want a show portraying what was happening inside of my house by people who were not inside my house. No, I would never ever want that.

I don't think anyone would want—

I don't think you— even if you did a nice job and it was flattering, you would miss what's special about our family. And I don't want you telling a version of our family that's not the real version.

I'm not, you know, right?

I mean, yeah, I'm sure that's what Prince Harry feels when he's watching The Crown. Yeah, that's such a good show though, because the whole show is about the interpersonal—

yeah, the Queen, his grandma.

Yeah, there is no show other than the interpersonal dynamics. And no, that The writers weren't there.

And his dad and all those things.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's tough.

I guess then the question, the moral question is like, so we just agree it's like not good for the family. That's pretty obvious.

Yeah.

And then you got, I guess, weigh that against societally, is there some greater good that you should be asked to just deal with and sacrifice that? And I'm open to that argument. I'd love to hear it. Like presented succinctly.

This is circling back to our last fact check because we do talk about this show and I, you know, say like, I recognize this is like not a good show to actually be consuming, and yet I kind of can't stop.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, no, I don't think there's any greater good than telling the, uh, the romanticized version of JFK Jr. and Carolyn society. I don't think that's doing anything for society other than, other than, um, if it's— if someone's having a dark time and they're enjoying that show so much and it's like pulling them out of some depression, great. But that's so individual. I don't think we could say like as a whole, yeah, yeah, that, that is worth it. Let's see, there really are not many facts for Nikki, but it was such a great episode And I just love her.

I do too. She's, um, she's equal parts hilarious and self-aware and smart.

She is all those things.

Dream guest.

She's a great guest.

Are you gonna watch her stand-up special? Are you gonna heed her plea to not watch it?

Um, I'm gonna watch.

I have to watch it.

Yeah, I want to watch it so bad, but I, I, I heard her say don't.

You will just— I think she also made it clear that if you watch it, just don't tell her.

Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to.

So when you— did you go over there on Sunday?

Yeah, we hung out.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

What'd you guys do?

We had lunch. It was such a lovely time, and I like her so much.

Yeah, we really—

you know, you're around some— you, you know, when you just like get the vibe, you're like, I really could be friends with this person.

Yeah, yeah. When you— I mean, on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

I don't— I actually don't feel that that often. Often, but I did feel it with Nikki. And after the first appearance, she DM'd me. I think you guys exchanged numbers. She DM'd me and said, I was too nervous to ask for your number.

Oh, that's so cute.

So cute.

But I want to hang out anyway. So we hung out and I was right. I was like, yeah, we're meant to be friends.

Sympathetic.

Yeah.

She's really, really cool. Thinking of another time I did this, maybe the only other time. Um, Kate Mara.

Yes.

Is in a show, Imperfect Women, currently.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's only 2 episodes out. I didn't know that, so I started the show, blew through those 2, and I was like, oh, you know, had to throw a tantrum because it was only 2 episodes out.

Yeah.

And I— and she doesn't live here anymore, she lives on the East Coast, which is very sad.

Annoying.

And I like picked up my phone to text her and it was 2 AM our time.

Okay, so 5 AM.

And I was like, it—

you're about 2 AM?

Yeah, I was watching.

You're watching?

I told you, right, that my mom— when my mom was visiting, she does the same thing.

She binges and she'll watch until 2. You guys are naughty. And how late will she sleep?

She likes to sleep.

She'll get her 8 hours in no matter what time she goes to bed, and then she peels back the time over the next few days.

No, she just keeps it going.

Just keeps going.

Good for her.

She's a vampire. She's a vamp.

Yep. Anyway, so I, I was like, I can't in like good conscience text Kate right now at that— this hour.

Okay.

But I— so I waited until the morning, and as soon as I woke up, I said, 2 episodes?

Fuck you.

Yeah.

She getting you a link or anything?

She's working on it.

Okay, good, good.

But I'm in, I'm hooked. It's got my— it's got its hooks in me and I want to know.

Um, Delti's away at a fun camp. Oh, with the school? Yes, so exciting. Um, Lincoln had gone to the same one with school and loved it. It's where she learned that Uranus is a gaseous planet. There's a part 2 to it. Oh, that's Okay. Anyway, she's there, which means we've had 2 nights without her where the 3 of us can watch whatever we want. And Lincoln is now older, so she has an appetite for more adult drama.

Yeah.

Intense shows.

Yeah.

So the 3 of us love Paradise.

I was about to start season 2 last night, and I didn't yet.

You're gonna love it.

Ooh, I can't wait.

And we got all the way through 7. There's only 8 episodes.

Oh, they do this.

And now we're in trouble because Delta returns. Oh, and we are dying to see the resolution of this season.

Oh no, she just sent her to my house, okay, to hang for a bit. Yeah, you guys secretly watch—

she likes this Korean high school drama, it's very Beverly Hills 90210 but it's in Korea.

Cool.

And, uh, you know, I was laying with her in bed, we're gonna watch an episode of that before we go to bed, and I'm, you know Those shows get me. Any high school drama, I'm in. Like, there's so much drama in high school. Yeah, so many people like so many people, and they like the wrong person. They like their best friend's friend or boyfriend, and it is— it's a juicy playground for drama.

Hard time to live.

Yeah, so I love that. That's so cute. Delta's into like these kind of high school drama. Oh, and then I showed— I showed them all Can't Buy Me Love a few nights Favorite movie. Dempsey. I'm gonna say it in public. Patrick Dempsey, who's currently so handsome. Oh my God, yeah, he's a smoke show.

He is.

He was so fucking cute as a teenager and very, very Timothée Chalamet. It's a very similar vibe. And I'm like, yeah, he was our Timothée Chalamet, but he just kind of interesting disappeared for a while and then popped back up as a super handsome adult man.

Gray's Anatomy.

But he's got that same wiry, super alive eyes. He is incredible in Can't Buy Me Love. What a movie. Yeah, they loved it.

He's so handsome.

He is really handsome. Him or Noah Wiley?

Don't make me. I mean, obviously Noah Wiley.

Okay, great.

Just because, like, the whole thing. He's such a good doctor.

So was McDreamy. Wow, he might have even been better. I don't even know. No, but I didn't watch—

I mean, he was a great— he was a great—

he was a really good doctor. Oh, brains. I know, hot.

But you know, he's only had one role as a doc, so I like— I, I, I— grain of salt.

Oh, okay.

You know, Noah Wiley is a doctor. Doctor at this point.

He's done two.

I think someone should give him his MD for real.

I'm sure he has an honorary. Uh, he's always out at colleges and doctor conventions and in front of Congress. He is like—

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's doing the right thing.

I'm never—

Patrick Dempsey's always like riding motorcycles with you. No, he's never at the rape treatment center.

He's racing cars. I had to— it was a, it was, it was a big moment for me because the girls got super interested in him after Camp Buy Me Love, and then they wanna see pictures of him now. And then they realized, oh, they had seen him on the commercials for that thing. And then Kristen said, he's also a really good driver like daddy. And I said, yeah, he's even, he's faster. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how he does in rally. I don't know how he does drifting. I don't know his full suite of skills, but on a road course, he's faster. And I admitted that to my children and it was not easy for me.

And how'd you feel afterwards?

Like, totally fine?

Honest. They still loved me. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I added, we're probably the two fastest drivers of all actors on planet Earth.

They probably—

Were embarrassed about that second part I said.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, you could have stopped there.

I think more Kristen was like, oh, wow, you're going to say that. And I go, yeah, he is. He is. A lot more track time.

How should I reciprocate? Like, I should say someone's better than me at something. That I feel a lot of pride in.

Yeah, so what would that be?

Okay, fashion.

There we go. Um, oh good, who's more fashionable than you?

Well, that's actually— I mean, like, so many people.

Oh, okay.

Well, are they?

Because they get styled.

Um, street style.

Uh, there's another— is there another podcaster that has better style than you?

I mean, there's like a Vogue podcast, so Those girls are gonna—

you would hold—

they're gonna be as fashionable as me. Okay, I'm kidding. No, actually, there are two hosts of the Vogue podcast, and I know for certain at least one of them is far more fashionable than me.

Okay, are they independent from the podcast, like fashion journalists? Like, what are their bona fides? They work at Vogue?

Yes. Okay, one of them is the current editor.

That's a tricky job because it's not— you're not starting at $500,000 a year, yet you're going to be expected to have impeccable style. So what do they do? Are they getting freebies?

Well, these girls are like— they like run Vogue, basically, so they have money.

Okay.

Um, but like, yeah, when you like— when you interview at Vogue and you have to look perfect, and yeah, you don't have much money. Yeah, that is fashion on another level because you can like put together an outfit out of, um, not a lot— out of trash gear. Yeah. Um, why don't we just say this? Mindy is just like better than me across the board.

Oh, at everything.

Oh wow. Not gymnastics, not cheer.

I've never seen her do those things.

No.

So I will say—

Oh, you think I'm good at parallel parking?

I think you're better than her. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're better than her.

Yeah, I, I'm, I'm only okay.

I think you're better.

I don't actually—

I've assessed her from afar as not being as good as you at parallel parking.

I feel actually weirdly defensive of myself.

Oh, that's interesting. It is.

Because you know why? Because she grew up in a city.

Yeah, not driving.

No, you have to drive in Boston.

Okay.

But I think you have to parallel park more. I never had to parallel park until my driver's test in Atlanta once. And then when I arrived in Los Angeles.

Okay.

It was my second time. So I am—

You think she's better?

I think she's better than me at parallel parking. I love parking. All right, she's a better writer than me. There's no, there's no question.

Well, but is that your primary identity?

I, I have a lot of pride in my writing.

Yeah, as you should.

Thank you.

My driving's above my acting, my podcasting, my writing, my lovemaking, my everything.

Oh my God, what is mine?

It's tied with fighting, I think.

Oh no, these are— yeah, no. Yeah, can fighting, like, at this point come down at this point?

No, it's very much who I am, and it's very much— yeah, no, yeah.

Wow.

Like, did you see this thing? This is incredible. Do you see this viral thing? The guy who plays Jack Reacher, Alan Ritchson, who plays Jack Reacher, he's enormous.

Okay.

Oh yeah, look at him. He's a beast.

We have a picture of him up for the listener.

I can't believe you haven't, um, none of these videos have come across your Instagram. So he was riding a motorcycle in his neighborhood in Texas with his two boys riding little motorcycles behind him. Apparently they had done some laps. He happened to have a body camera on.

Oh, okay.

And neighbors are filming from across the street, so this whole thing is very, very documented.

What happened?

This one neighbor, this really big guy from— he's not from here, he has some kind of a— I don't, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't know if he's got an English accent or Australian accent, whatever he's got. Big dude, um, comes out and just screaming at them, stop riding this, stop riding these fucking motorcycles, I'm calling the cops. He's chatting out, right? He's just a total chad. And he jumps in front of, uh, Richardson's motorcycle.

Oh God.

And then Richardson falls. Oh, Allen falls. He He gets up and he's telling the guy, get away from me, right? I'm going to bludgeon you. Get away from me. And the guy's still screaming at him, his face pointing at him. He gets back on his motorcycle, he goes to pull away, and the guy stands in front of his motorcycle again and pushes him. And now he falls off his motorcycle again. And then Alan beats the shit out of this guy in the yard.

Oh, no. This is what everyone wants to be. You want to be best at. Like, this is like, no, no.

Yes. I— when a— when an asshole like that comes out and shoves me off my motorcycle in the street and thinks he can behave that way, I want the ability to show him he's not in charge.

Guy is also thinking that—

that one guy started the whole situation.

He identifies that way too.

That's the whole issue.

It's two people who identify like that that come together and create chaos.

Yeah. And in your mind, it'd be better if the guy who's shoving people off his motorcycle got away with it.

That guy sucks.

I hate that guy. But that guy— my point is, that guy is also the same type of guy. He thinks he's defending the neighborhood.

Not the same type of guy. Alan is not the type of guy that would be out in the street shoving strangers. So they're not the same type of guy at all. One guy's an asshole and one guy's a nice dude riding with his family. And then luckily, the bully in the situation did not have the upper hand. In fact, he didn't have anything.

One guy who likes to fight.

Yeah, Alan didn't like to fight. He He wasn't starting anything, but when he was assaulted, he quickly had the upper hand over this bully. And that's a great thing.

I'm fine with that. I'm just saying, liking to fight is not a quality I think should be at the top of your liking.

To not be subjugated by assholes is what I like. So when a man, a stranger, comes out and tries to enact his will on you and stop what you're doing and shove you off your motorcycle, I like when that person doesn't have to be a victim. They can get up and be the victor.

Sure.

I like it a lot.

Yeah, that— but we were talking about your ranking of identity markers.

Yeah. So I want to be the guy that if you attack me and try to bully me or victimize me, you're not going to get away with it. That's a very important part of my identity as I move through the world.

Okay.

Well, anyway, Mindy, she's better than me at a lot. Of things. It's great. It is great. All right, now only two facts. Um, this is a picture of, of Nikki as The Masked Singer. And remember, she told us she's a snowflake.

Had you seen that video, Rob? No, I have not. Uh, the guy's too— he went on some kind of podcast or something, the neighbor, and he's trying to act like he got assaulted. And all these people watch the video and break it down, and he's like, and then, and then I shoved him in the— and they're like, okay, hold on, sir. So you left your house, you didn't call the cops on him, you decided to come out and confront him, and then you shoved him. And the police were like, not an assault. So he's got no charges against him. Yeah, okay, okay. Oh my heavens. 7. Yes, boy, she's like a space alien snowflake.

Yep, yep, she is.

Wow.

Um, there's a lot going on with that mask.

I bet she loved that outfit.

It's a fun outfit.

Yeah, that feels like her vibe.

It also could be, um, like a fun Halloween costume.

Yeah. Um, Heidi might end up in there.

Oh yeah, Heidi.

Oh, God bless her spirit.

Heidi, she's so good at Halloween.

Yeah, I'm glad We have her.

Me too. Okay, so you quote a Garrison Keillor quote. You said, "But in truth, I don't want to just be adored. I want to be a sun god." The question is, do you know what essay it came from? Because we can't find it.

Oh, I can find it right now. Yes.

And then maybe people can read it.

I just have to look up Tommy Shlomi because he's the one who sent it to me. I also wanted to share a quote I remember from Garrison Keillor's first book, Lake Wabegon Days, obviously inspired by your joyous conversation with HRC. I deflect every kind word directed to me, and my denials are much more extravagant than the praise. Good speech. Oh, it was way too long. I didn't know what I was talking about. I was just blathering on and on. I was glad when it was over. I do this under the impression that it is humility, a becoming quality in a person. Actually, I am starved for for a good word, but after the long drought of my youth, no word is quite good enough. Good isn't enough. Under this thin veneer of modesty lies a monster of greed. I drive away faint praise, beating my little chest, waiting to be named sun god, king of America, idol of millions, bringer of fire, the great hajji, Thundar, the boy giant. I don't want to say, thanks, glad you liked it. I want to say, rise, my people, remove faces from the carpet. Stand, look at me in the face.

Isn't that great? Yeah.

Okay, first book. Yeah, great. I'm glad we got the whole thing.

And, uh, big shout out to Tommy Schlamme, uh, TV's greatest drama director to ever do it, for sending me that great quote. All right, love you.