Transcript of Armchair Anonymous: Funny Pregnancy

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

Today we have funny pregnancy stories.

Pregnancy can go all kinds of ways.

It really can. You know, we often get gifted evacs in our other prompts, and anytime that happens, I'm just grateful.

That's right.

The universe is smiling on us.

Yes.

Please enjoy funny pregnancy stories. All times come and go. Good times take 'em slow. My life, I had 'em both. But one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Can you hear us?

I thought this could be a prank. I'm like, maybe it's not.

It might yet still be.

AI is pretty powerful, so you never know.

Maybe loved one coordinated something and there'd be a pop-out.

Oh, that would be extra special.

What fake name do you want?

Okay, I'm gonna use Mackenzie. I don't think I look like a Mackenzie, but I'll tie it in later why I chose that name.

Are you allowed to tell us where you're at, Mackenzie?

Yes, I'm in North Carolina.

Oh, what part?

I'm in the Raleigh-Durham area. And Monica, I did marry a Georgia Bulldog.

Who?

Congrats!

He graduated in 2010. I mean, I graduated in 2009.

Maybe you had a crush on him.

Was he Theater? No, he was not in theater, although I would love to see him in theater. That would be incredible.

Was he in public relations or the Grady School of Communications?

No, he was in finance. And then he took a class at the end of college that was like how to pick a major just for like an easy grade. And the last thing he should do was finance on the list.

Oh boy.

He was like, oh, what? Oopsies.

It's okay. He's doing great.

But maybe he booty bumped over at the spot you were pre-putting.

I'm sure. I'm sure we ran into each other.

I did not even know what the SEC was when we started dating. And then I was like, I will take on the Georgia Bulldogs. What do I need to learn?

Thank you.

Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story.

I do. I am mortified that this is the story that was chosen of all my submissions. Just to paint the picture, I have 3 beautiful kids, love them so much. So I've been pregnant 3 times and pregnancy for me is not a glamorous experience. Some people are glowing, some people feel better than ever. I am not. The only glow is like sweat and nausea coming off of me. So all of my pregnancy feels like I'm living in this sort of bubble, like it's not even really happening. It's funny, when I had my third child, actually in 2024, I gave birth, the whole thing, like, is the baby okay? Are we good? And then I looked at my husband and I said, I'm not pregnant anymore and high-fived him on the delivery. I don't think I'd even pushed out the placenta yet. As soon as I give birth to that baby, I feel better. I'm like, get me a sandwich, get me— it's a bizarre thing.

Wow.

I was gonna ask if you had boys. Do you have all boys?

I have girl, boy, boy.

Okay. And is it true, did you find that the nausea was worse for the boys than the girls?

100%. It was from beginning to literally pushing that baby out. So my daughter, I was only sick for like 20 weeks of it, but the boys were the full time.

Only 20 weeks.

Horrifying.

Nothing touches it. Not Zofran, nothing. Like, I mean, I've tried all the things. And then people be like, have you tried lemon water? And I'm like, have you tried throwing lemon water up? I've done it and it's terrible. So anyways, just a humbling experience all around is what I'm getting at. Pregnancy. So this story takes place in 2020. I was pregnant with my second. A weird time to be pregnant. That— I mean, COVID happened during this, and It was so scary. The doctor's like, don't go anywhere, don't do anything. I'm such a rule follower. I was very stressed about it.

Really quick, I had a glass half full take on being pregnant during COVID because we knew a few people that were, and I was like, the upside is normally when you're pregnant you feel like you're missing out on a bunch of shit, 100%, and you're not missing on anything. You're doing the exact same thing everyone is.

And my husband was working from home, and then it was great with the C-section because he was working from home for that, and you're not supposed to pick up anything heavier than your baby, which is impossible as a mom with other kids. So I'd be like, can you get her out of the crib, please? But for someone who is rule follower and scared of germs, it's a lot to handle. So during the course of this just bizarre season, I start to feel two little lumps, I guess, underneath my arms.

Ooh.

So as a woman, you are immediately terrified.

You're like, I have breast cancer.

And it runs in the family. So I sent a message to the doctor like, we do need you to come in. That felt really serious because they weren't just really having you come in for anything. They were even like skipping regular appointments. I go into the office, there's a nurse and there's a doctor who is older, which I actually love an older doctor. I'm like, you've seen it all. I feel like you know what you're doing. You're not Googling stuff in the back, like, you know. So he's doing the exam. Monica, I'm sure you've experienced this exam. You're wearing that super cool front open shirt thing.

Yeah.

Cool.

And he's feeling these spots and he's like, huh, this is interesting. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so scared. And he starts to feel one of the spots And he goes, oh my gosh.

And I'm like, what?

He goes, it's a nipple!

No, wait, what?

I know, my sister was like, Dax is gonna have a lot of follow-ups on this. But here's what he does. Instead of being like, okay honey, you're all right, you appear to have grown an extra nipple in pregnancy, he goes, oh my gosh, I've never seen this!

What?

In all my years! And squeezes it and milk comes out.

It's lactating.

I've heard about this because there's like breast tissue that goes up into your armpits.

Oh, I'm so glad it's not cancer. And then I'm like, what is happening? He runs out into the hallway, he's like, I gotta get someone else to see this. So the other doctors are coming in marveling at it, like, oh my gosh, they're like, you're right, it does produce milk. And I'm like, what do I do?

Well, they've heard about this medically and they haven't seen it, and they are pumped.

This is an episode of Friends, Ross's thing.

Oh, it is?

Yes.

What do they call it, the like nubbin or something?

Yeah, no, no, that's Chandler's nubbin.

I'm like, it's not even just one extra nipple, it's 2 extra nipples. Like, how embarrassing is that? So anyways, I am left feeling like, okay, I'm a freak show. Should I just go join the circus? Everyone is marveling at it. And he would come in and show somebody, but watch what happens when I squeeze it.

Oh, this guy.

They refer me to like a breast specialist that they have, and I go in and see her and I'm like, I'm sure you've never seen this before. I know I'm the only one in America who's ever had this. And she's like, oh honey, you have got it good. I've seen it. All down people's arms.

Wow. Multiple nipples running down the arm.

She said you can get them anywhere. And she was like, honey, you're lucky that it's just in your armpit. And I was like, okay, well, thanks. I don't know what to say. And she said you can even get mastitis.

Sure. Yeah. Clogged.

I was really lucky that that did not happen. But it's kind of like a running joke in my friend group that I have this great milk supply because my babies get so fat so fast and I am not like a big person. So it's just always shocking, like, how do you have this baby baby. I'm like, it might be the extra nipples. I don't know. Maybe my body just does a lot.

You're a super producer. Well, hold on though. You're back at the doc. She's saying, don't worry, these could be up and down your arm. That's comforting. But my next thought would be, okay, so how do we remove them? Were you thinking like, oh, I'm going to get these removed?

Yes. I was like, so what do I do? And she was like, honey, I'd just leave it. And I was like, well, I don't want to. Can you see it? Yeah, you can. Okay. It's right there. Oh, do you see it?

Yeah.

It's cute though. It looks like an ingrown hair. Yeah.

It just looks like a teeny tiny bump.

I'm not pregnant or nursing right now, so there's no swelling with it. But you could still just think it's like arm fat that everybody has.

Yeah.

I actually recently went back to the doctor and she was like, we can remove it. I was kind of worried about scarring because I'm like, is it worse to have a scar or to have a nipple? I mean, these are the deep, hard-hitting questions. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon, which turned into a whole thing. It was on the phone with them for 30 minutes. They didn't understand. I was like, just trying to get the extra nipples removed. They were like, well, honey, how do you feel about your breasts right now.

Oh God.

Trying to upsell you a little bit.

100%. I was like, well, I mean, I've nursed 3 babies. Who does feel good after that?

The doctors in this story suck. Minus that one lady.

Yes. She's like, I got you down for a fat transfer and we're gonna remove— I'm like, no, no, no. I'm literally just trying to remove. Oh God. I didn't wanna make her feel bad cuz it's her job. And I'm like, well, duh. Like everyone goes here to do this. So anyways, I will get the surgery at some point. Logistically, I need to find a time when I can actually do that cuz I have 3 young kids.

For the listener, I want to say, because my mind immediately went to you also had two new areolas. That's not the case.

No, it's a teeny tiny—

and it's still all skin colored.

Yeah, I told my sister, I was like, Dax is gonna ask about areolas, I know it.

Well, I think when you hear nipple, you're associated immediately with the whole thing, the whole package, soup to nuts.

Maybe it's a cautionary tale. You too may have a nipple and not know.

I probably do.

Yeah, I mean, it looks like when I've had a clogged hair follicle in my armpit And then I wrench on that as if it's a normal pimple.

It just looks like a little skin tag.

What did your husband have to say about it? I mean, that's great. He signed up for two boobs and he got four.

Yeah. Does he ever suck on it? You don't have to answer that.

You don't have to answer that. We were just laughing. I told him I have so many funny stories. I'm one of those people that just bizarre things happen to me. So I'll always be like, I've got a prompt. And then I told him, I was like, oh my gosh, I got selected for Armchair Anonymous. He's like, what story is it?

I was like, it's the nipple.

It's great.

I think a lot of people feel very seen right now.

Yes, totally.

I have a lot of breast tissue in my armpit.

Yes. And I think a lot of women do assume it's fat. I know someone who— there's like plastic surgery you can do on that area. And when she had it done, they were like, oh, that was actually breast tissue. That wasn't fat.

You can tell when you're PMSing and your boobs hurt. I can feel it in my armpit.

So Monica, watch out.

Oh my God.

I truly felt like a science experiment in there with everyone laughing and coming in.

Well, your sister was right. I have a couple follow-up questions. So one is mastitis is something that— well, I guess it varies among people, but certainly it was something that Kristen had to deal with several times, and I even had to help at one point. This is a story that came public. But at any rate, were you having to express these other nipples to prevent getting mastitis?

No, I think that can happen to some people. Another thing is like, it's gonna stop producing milk, you know, that's how you like wean a baby, you stop nursing them. And so because I wasn't nursing a baby on them—

but you could have, you could have been like, my boob's tired, suck on my armpit now.

Sure, baby.

It was something.

It reminds me of an episode of Taxi Cab Confessions, this great reality show that was on HBO early on. It was real people that took cab rides, and then the people would talk to them, crazy stories would come out. And this gal had had a breast augmentation after her last pregnancy. She just was lactating since that point for years, long after she stopped breastfeeding. Yes, that was the uncommon results of that augmentation, is that she was producing milk indefinitely. All kinds of things can happen.

Sounds tough.

They seem to like it, this couple. They were—

he was drinking.

Well, this wasn't a story she was ashamed of. They were excited. She actually pulled her boob out in the cab and demonstrated that milk came out. It was a female cab driver. She was great at getting stories out of people.

Wow.

To each their own. Oh, well, that's a great story.

Yeah. Extra nipples. That's a shocker. I hadn't heard of that.

I would love to explain why I use the name McKenzie.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so I texted my college friends. They know how much I love this podcast. I was like, guys, I don't know if I want to go out in the world with this. And now everyone I know is looking closely at my armpits. And Mackenzie texted, she said, use my name, heck, I don't care. And so she's actually living all the way in Japan right now with her family. So shout out to her and all my friends who were just so pumped to hear that I was coming on this podcast.

I love it.

And then both of my grandparents on my dad's side were in AA. I remember as a young kid going to an AA meeting with my grandfather to get one of his like sobriety coins.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I was just thinking about how cool it is. I'm two generations removed from that and how from a young age we talked about AA, we talked about addiction, and what you're doing is like shaping the next generations. Like, I think it's a different way to think down the line about it. And it has really blessed our family, just the openness about that.

Oh, wonderful. Did they have corny sayings and bumper stickers? Were they all in? Did they have like the one day at a time hung up?

They didn't have any stickers. He just had his little coins. And when he passed away, we all got a coin and it was really sweet.

Yeah, that's my favorite thing I have. I have of my dad's is his box of coins. I just mailed one of them to Erin.

Oh, that's awesome.

Well, thank you.

I didn't think this was gonna be my gateway into this, but here we are.

I love it.

I'm so glad.

We'll take it. Great meeting you, Mackenzie.

Great to meet you guys. Bye.

Take care.

Hello.

Hello. Do I pronounce your name Aisha?

Aisha.

Aisha, where are you, Aisha?

I am actually in a work trip. I'm in El Salvador right now.

Wow, what the hell are you doing in El Salvador?

Well, I'm here with my church and we're doing some site visits with some communities that we help.

Okay, it looks gorgeous behind you right now.

I have a really nice view of the Pacific Ocean.

Oh wow, what time is it there?

It is 3 PM.

Oh, all right, 2 hours later.

What happens in the next 2 hours? That's my favorite joke.

Where do you live normally?

So I am actually not far from Robbie. I'm in Lake Zurich, Illinois.

Wobby wob, do you know that?

I do.

And do we think Wobby Wob's like the cutest boy ever from Chicago? I do.

Oh, absolutely.

And I follow him for all the restaurant tips and everything. He's my travel guide.

He kind of is a travel guide. He should have some kind of newsletter or something. Okay, so you had a funny pregnancy.

I do have a funny pregnancy story. Okay, so let's set the scene. I am newlywed, about probably a year into my marriage, and we had started talking about, okay, I think we're ready to start a family. Setting the scene, we live in a very small apartment, one bed, one bath, and I'm late on my period. So I'm like, okay, I think I got a test. In my mind, I had this whole beautiful idea of how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant. I had started planning it out, like, I'm going to do this whole thing. But the suspense got the best of me. And one evening I was just like, you know what? I can't even wait anymore. Let's just go get the test. I told my husband, I'm like, I think I'm pregnant. So do you want to test with me? And he was like, oh my God, yes. What?

Let's do this.

So we go into our little bathroom. Our door, they had to cut out a space for the toilet. So when it opened, so that it would go over the toilet, like that's how small it's very small. We're like knee to knee and I'm in there. Air, and I'm gonna do the deed.

You're gonna pee on the stick, for anyone who doesn't know how this works.

Yes, I'm gonna pee on the stick. He's in there with me. We're holding hands. We're like, our life is potentially about to change forever. We get the results. The two lines pop up. I am pregnant. We instantly lock eyes, and I am just shaking and instantly have explosive diarrhea.

Oh wow.

Oh my God, but it's perfect because you're on the toilet. On the toilet!

I was. It was perfect.

Wow.

I don't know what made me stay sitting on the toilet, 'cause usually you would pee and then you'd get up and pee.

Right.

But I stayed on the toilet.

Your body knew.

Well, there wasn't room, it doesn't sound like, to move around with him in there.

There was not. Locked eyes with my husband, and I just had— You guys were talking about the Seven Kingdoms, that scene. Picture that.

Okay.

That's what happened.

Oh, very firehose-y.

Yeah, firehose squirting. My body was just letting it all out.

It just released.

I would have said, oh, it's a boy.

It was a boy.

Yeah, of course it was.

They're such rascals.

Oh man, we're wreaking havoc from the second we're made. Oh, did you guys just start dying laughing?

I was like shitting laughing, all things. And he just kind of was frozen, like, I don't know what to do right now.

A lot of things happened very quickly.

He became a dad.

He saw his wife shit herself.

Oh, good.

It was a lot to take in.

It's a good primer for what's coming with the baby.

Blowouts.

100%.

Oh, man. And how old is that little boy now?

Actually, um, I actually went into preterm labor with him, um, at about 24 weeks gestation, and he was with us for 7 hours before he passed away.

Oh, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

It's okay. You know what? He may not be with us right now, but I get to share him with the world through stories. Stories like this. So, you know, even though I wish he was here, the greatest gift is to be able to, to share his life even though he's not here. And so this is like the best way that I could be sharing myself with you guys. I'm just so honored.

We're honored.

Yeah. Yeah.

I have a beautiful 5-year-old now. She was in the NICU for about 3 months. She was born early too. And you guys lived in my ears through that whole experience. And you guys were a way for me to escape some of the hard stuff that I was going through. I started listening because I wanted to escape. But listening to you guys, really what that did to me was remind me that I want to be present and I want to live this life and I want to experience the wonderful things and the hard things that you both have done such a beautiful job at painting a mosaic of this life experience that we all get to be living right now. And so thank you so much.

Oh, thank you. You just lifted my spirits like crazy. And congrats on your little girl.

Thank you so much. I have lots of people that love you guys as well. I would love to shout out my Mom D, and I would love to shout out Ashley and Maria and Emily and my daughter Ava, who also listens to Armchair Anonymous. Oh, lots of beautiful conversations.

Yeah, it's a thought starter.

Sure.

Her teacher says, wow, she has a lot of background knowledge.

Thank you for chatting with us.

Yeah, it's so nice to meet you.

Have a great rest of your trip. Trip.

Love you guys.

All right, bye.

Hi, I love your tiny mic.

Yes, the first time we've ever had anyone with a tiny mic, and it immediately makes me think of all those funny Instagram videos.

Oh, it's definitely because I make TikTok videos. Yeah, I was trying to be super professional.

It's great.

Emmy, where are you?

I am in Bardstown, Kentucky.

Okay, we don't get enough callers from Kentucky.

I know, I actually was listening to one the other day. I got excited to hear her talking about Kentucky. And I get excited hearing you talking about Tennessee, too.

And did you get excited when we had Chris Stapleton on? He was talking about Eastern Kentucky.

Absolutely. I just saw him this summer.

You did? Was he spectacular?

Amazing.

Okay, so, Emmy, are you a transplant to Kentucky or did you grow up there as well?

Grew up in Kentucky. Owensboro, Kentucky. So third largest town in Kentucky, but now moved to Bardstown just by way of job and career, college.

And Kentucky's on the come up, right? It's kind of growing as well, like Tennessee.

Yeah, we're growing a little bit.

I've been eyeing some farmland over there.

Have you?

That would be amazing.

It's so beautiful. It's crazy.

It's gorgeous. My family has a cabin on Lake Malone. So every time you talk about your lake house and boating, I grew up on a lake, so I get excited to hear you talk about it.

Boat season's coming. Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story.

So my story starts back in 2008. I was 24 years old in grad school, kind of like in my indie era, I had a hoop nose ring in. I was cool girl, or trying to be anyway. And I had this one particular store that I like to shop for nose rings. I couldn't find what I wanted everywhere. So I had this one place I wanted to go. And so that just sticks in my mind because if I lost a nose ring, I had to go back to that one store. So Monica, I don't know if you ever had any face piercings or anything, but if you do, you're drying your face, you're sleeping the night, sometimes it can come out, you can lose your nose ring. So So that would happen sometimes. And this one particular time I was looking for my nose ring, I was looking in my bedsheets, I was looking in my pillowcases, I couldn't find it. So inconvenience, I got to go to that one particular store and pick up my nose ring. So again, I'm in grad school, I'm starting an internship, I'm starting to become a little more professional.

I was studying to be a school psychologist. So as I was kind of growing in my profession, I started wearing my nose ring less and less. You know, I wasn't wearing it to work, so it'd only be an evening thing. Then it only became weekends.

Never.

So it kind of just aged out. Now I've just got a scar on my face.

Will it close up like your ears or no?

Yes, it's closed up. I can't get anything in there. Now it's just this hole that's there that I wish wasn't there, but what are you gonna do?

Yeah, yeah, receipt of living, I would say.

Exactly.

So in this first internship turned job, I met my husband. He was a special education teacher at the school where I was a school psychologist. So a little bit of a meet-cute story, Monica.

I like that. It's a good pair.

Dating, marriage, eventually we're going to fast forward to December 2015, so 7 years later, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I go to the doctor and I had been having some elevated blood pressure, a little bit of protein in the urine. I had preeclampsia, so they sent me to the hospital for bed rest. So I was there for a couple days. They monitored, lots of ultrasounds.

And can you explain quickly what preeclampsia is? I remember we were all watching the Downton Oh. And one of the characters had preeclampsia, and the man grabbed the bedpost and collapsed with fear.

Oh, goodness.

Yeah.

It can be very dangerous.

Yes.

So what is it?

Really just elevated blood pressure, which then if it gets too high, you could go into seizures. Like, it's dangerous for the baby. So just lots of monitoring, and then lots of fluid retention. What it can go into, and then what it actually eventually did go into for me, is HELLP syndrome. and that's like really dangerous. So that's, I wrote it down, hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, low platelets. So if it gets that bad, like for me, I had extreme back pain because my liver was distended. And then if you have low platelets, like you can bleed out. It's really dangerous. So the only resolution is deliver the baby. It's the only way to help the baby or the mom. So I ended up with that 2 times with both of them.

Oh my goodness.

Before it went there, it was still just that kind of swelling and you're hoping that you monitored enough to not develop into help syndrome, but I'm preeclampsia. I'm laid up on the couch. My goal is to keep him in for 6 more weeks. I wanted to keep my son safe. So lots of moving from the couch to the bed, lots of chilling all through the holidays. I make it all the way to New Year's Eve on 2015, again, sitting on the couch, watching the fireworks and typical pregnancy swelling, but I'm really retaining a lot of fluid because of preeclampsia. So super stuffy. I sneeze, I blow my nose. In the tissue is the nose ring from 2008.

What?

Oh my God, 7 years.

This fucking—

stop it.

And you had no pain or any kind of inkling that it was in there?

Oh my God, no issues.

Where—

God gave you preeclampsia so you extract this nose ring, right?

Where was it?

In your sinus?

Yeah, I guess just living up in my head.

Oh my God. Thank God you didn't get like mercury poisoning or like metal.

Well, I think they have to be sterile to use as rings.

Did it look rusty?

Yeah, it was like calcified, like white.

Wow.

Okay, now I'm going to ask a perverse question, and I'm on record as like, if I'm working to try to get something out of my sinuses and it's taking a long, long time, and it finally comes out. And I know I share this with Aaron— there is such euphoria attached to that. It's like, oh, fuck yeah, that's out of my body! Did you have a wave of like, oh my God, thank God that's out?

I didn't know it was in there. I didn't feel it, so it didn't even feel any different. It was literally like, what in the world? I mean, I was in shock.

Well, it's like, what else is up there if that's a car key?

Old Motorola cell phone?

I don't know. If I would have had an MRI or something, would there have been some sort of issue? Because there was metal in my face.

It might have pulled out.

I did send a picture to Okay, great.

I'm going to flip it over now. Oh, sure, sure.

Fuck.

I can't believe it ended up in your sinus.

Yeah, it's full hoop still.

Yeah, but it's open.

So there's that metal kind of hook. Yeah, that feels—

owie.

Think how many times you had colds and stuff.

Wow.

7 years is a long time for it to live up there.

I love that you brought it home because I did think at one point, what was all the nose ring chat about? Sure, that was great. Yeah, it was good, but somehow it didn't cue me in at all to that. That was gonna projectile out, right?

If it never came out, maybe it would have made its way up to your eye.

I think it just would live where it had lived for 7 years or however many years.

Just don't know. And we won't know because you got it out. Yep. Wow.

Did you put it in a Lucite box and put it on display on a shelf? I think that's warranted.

It is long gone. Get that away.

Was your husband Impressed? Oh my God.

Probably disgusted.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Man, that's a long time.

It really is so long.

Like, none of your skin was still there, right? Like, your skin replaces itself entirely. Your organs replace themselves in 7 years. But this thing hung out.

This is going to be like the rat water bottle story where when people lose things, they're going to be like, oh, it's in my face, in my nose. Yeah.

Well, the next time I'm honking around and I'm like, something's in there. Yeah, I think that I have something from when you were 12 years old, like a shirt pin that someone gave me or something. Exactly, from Disneyland. Oh wow, wow, that's great, Emmy. I love that.

So 5 days later, I ended up having my little one, and he's 10 years old now. You got a Capricorn, and he is his own armchair. He loves you all, and I would love if it would be okay if he came to say hi.

Of course, get him Man, what's his name?

His name is Redding.

Oh, Redding, great name.

Hello.

Hi, Redding, nice to meet you.

Great hair. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

And you like Armchair Anonymous?

Yes.

Do you have a favorite story?

I don't know, there's just so many stories.

I like the rat in the Stanley one. Yes, yes, I just talked about that one. That one really got a lot of people.

I wouldn't think I'm gonna Stanley after that story. Oh man, we feel really lucky that you listen.

Yeah, we love it.

It's so nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you all.

All right, be good.

Have a great day.

We will.

All right, take care.

Made his day. The only reason that I submitted this story is he's had this event in his life and he's like, I have to write in, I have to tell my story. So he submitted for wildcard and he wrote it all on his own. And I was like, I'll submit it. But then when I went to submit, I saw pregnancy story and I was like, well, all right, I'll throw mine in there. So now he got to meet you all, and I'll tell him just keep on submitting because maybe he'll have his own talk one day.

Oh, I love it. Well, lovely meeting you, Emma. Yeah, this is fun.

Lovely meeting you all.

Bye.

Thank you.

Oh, he's such a cute boy.

I love that little boy.

Me too. I want to put him on the team.

Emma, let's try to get that story.

Let's try to get him as an intern. Let's put him to work.

Hire him.

He did have good hair.

Enviable hair.

And then you are gonna grow your hair out.

I'm gonna grow my hair out.

You're gonna start doing a hairband.

I always do in that tough phase.

What tough phase?

There's a tough phase.

Oh, a middle phase.

Yeah, that I hate, and it's abated with a headband.

You haven't had long hair in a while.

It's been a long time. I don't know if my hair's thick enough for it anymore, but we're gonna find out.

I like it long. Are you gonna do ponies?

I'll do all kinds of— you know, I'll have fun.

Yeah, you'll have fun.

Oh my God, a nose ring up there.

Oh, that would have been my kink if I had to call in. Oh, anything like on if you pop a pimple and it's like, I just think about it over and over again, or if I get something significant out my nose, in your butt. I think about it.

Yeah, but you don't get that with peeing, do you?

No.

And it doesn't arouse you?

It doesn't arouse me, but it also is definitely— there's something else. Yes, there's something titillating about it, but I'm not like horny from it.

Yeah, but it's like, oh, it's abnormal.

It feels like such relief, like, oh, that's out. Oh, I'm so grateful. It's like, I'm grateful. It's gratitude. It's a lot of stuff. Do you get that or no?

I don't.

What about when you would have like a bad pimple that was one of your And you would finally get it and you're not supposed to, but you do it and then it's just like you're like, oh yeah, fuck that, that's out.

Yeah, I think we've talked about this. I do like that feeling. You're saying that you relive that moment. I definitely don't do that. I'm like, it feels good that it's done.

Your brain doesn't record that visual and play it on a loop.

No.

Oh my God, mine does.

Not at all.

I have one. We're 2 months, 3 months out from it. There's one that plays in my head at least once a day.

Yeah, that's a kink.

Yeah.

But do you have it about other people?

No. I hate those pimple popping videos and stuff.

That is interesting.

It's just me getting rid of my poisons and my character defects and all the bad—

maybe that's what it is.

It's like I'm extracting the devil out of myself.

You know what I do? This is really gross. Now everyone's going to look. This is like the girl with the nipple. I like, don't want to say it. I like play with my legs a lot. Any part of it where there's like a hair follicle, I'm always playing with it and scratching it and trying to get it clean.

Yes. You don't pinch though?

I sometimes pinch, but I also know how to like get under and then get it out. But, you know, my legs look wild from all that activity.

Yes.

Like, it's not—

You tear them up.

I do.

They're not camera ready.

My legs are not a good look.

But then in the summer, you can blast all that out with with some tan.

A little, but also because, you know, I used to shave dry, so I've done some real damage to these legs.

Shave dry sounds terrible.

I had places to be and places to go.

I gave it a dry shave.

I would do it because I had cheerleading practice and I was a flyer, so like I didn't want my legs to be hairy and I didn't— I did not have time.

You're talking dead dry.

Yes.

Oh, I know my friend Gina really hated it for me.

A little bit.

Listen, I do what I have to do.

I kind of want to watch you do it though.

I haven't done it in years.

I feel like it would give me such weird chills.

It would be like the teeth that you would not like it.

No, I wouldn't, but that makes me want to see it.

Why don't we do shaving dry story?

You're the only submitter.

I'm like, hey guys, I'll be right back.

You just tell this story to the back.

Hello.

Hi, where are at?

Alberta in Canada.

How's your winter? Have you been not having a lot of snow like the Rockies haven't?

It's been a warmer winter, but we just got a big dump not long ago, so it's been wintry again. So it's back. She reared her ugly head again.

And do you like when it dumps and you have an excuse to stay inside? Because I like that.

It's not bad, and the kids like playing, so that's kind of awesome.

Yeah.

Did we just meet the product of your pregnancy The kid you saw, no, was not a product of this pregnancy story. That's my oldest boy, and I have 3.

Okay, so walk us through your funny pregnancy story.

This story was in October of 2015, and we were expecting our third child, and we were super overdue, 13 days actually. So I was ready to get this baby out. I was trying everything. So we actually decided to try a shot of castor oil, which is one of the tricks they tell you to do, and it worked for our second child. Child. So we said, let's give that a go. So we did that and watched a movie and, hey, let's get some sleep because this could come tonight. And my husband fell asleep right away, of course. I wasn't able to get to sleep because things started moving. So I was like, okay, things might be happening. And at about 2:30, probably it's getting intense enough that we probably should get going to the hospital. So I woke him up, he had a shower, no rush, things were ticking along.

Hold Wait a second. He had a shower? No.

Don't some people do that? They're like, oh, we have time. Didn't you guys?

No.

Yes, you guys thought.

Well, we had time, but my wife didn't wake me up at 2:30 in the morning and say it's time to go to the hospital. And I said, cool, I'm going to hop in the shower. That seems kind of funny to me.

Oh, I mean, I guess I get that. But also, aren't there all these stories like people's water break and then they go have lunch and then they go to the hospital?

Well, he needs to have a shower to sort of wake himself up. I've had two kids before. This takes forever. Oh, it was no big deal. Lots of time, no rush. We called our midwife because we were meeting her at the hospital. We got in the truck and I remember saying like, no rush, no need to speed, stop at those red lights, no big deal. It's about a 25 or 30 minute drive from our house to the hospital. 10 or 15 minutes into it, things got really intense really quickly and I was like, this is really painful. I am very uncomfortable. I was squirming in my seat. I was sticking my head out the window to I like cool off to get some fresh air. And then I got this serious urge to take a big dump.

Yeah.

Oh no.

Well, because am I wrong? Castor oil also is a laxative, is it not?

It is.

Yeah. So that all was happening previously. It kind of empties you out.

Okay. Okay.

So that already happened.

You had done some evacuations.

The evacuating kind of happened. So I was kind of like, why do I have to go to the bathroom again? I thought that was over. This is so embarrassing. I can't show up at the hospital with pants full of poo. I'm like looking around for like a diaper or a bag or a towel or something. I don't know what I was going to do, but I'm panicked. As soon as I stopped panicking, it subsided. The urge went away and I was like, oh, perfect. But a couple of minutes later, another contraction comes and I'm like, oh man, I gotta poo again. What is going on? And then I'm like, geez whiz, something's coming out.

Stuff.

Geez whiz.

And it's not poop. Not from my butt.

Oh my God. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

I'm wearing a pair of like 3/4 length sweatpants and I just take my hand and do a little exploring and check and I feel a head-shaped bulge.

Yes. Yeah.

Hair.

Wow.

How far away from the hospital are you?

10 minutes probably.

That's too far.

That's a long 10 minutes of your life.

It's so long. And I started to panic and I said, oh my God, I feel the head. And my husband's like, oh no, no, no, no. All he could say was no. It's like, yes.

Yeah.

Hold on. I'm going to revisit the shower that I was pretty critical of that no one was supportive of. And I'm going to say now we wouldn't be in this situation.

Right. But then maybe he wouldn't have been able to drive.

He would have done just fine without that fucking shower. Mike.

It's actually Brian.

Well, he's like, I'm so grateful I'm clean for this.

So yeah, he starts kind of panicking a little bit. I realize that he's gonna be super useless in this situation. So I kind of really panicked and I'm like, you need to run this red light. Everything I said earlier is out the window. You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible 'cause we need some medical attention. So he starts blasting to get there as fast as he can. I'm really panicked. I'm like, I think we need an ambulance. So I call the ambulance and then when I get on the phone with them and start chatting, as soon as we explain what's happening, we let them know We look up and the hospital's right there. So we're like, "Ah, no, sorry, false alarm. We're good." We get to the emergency room door and it's kind of a back side door and he stops. I jump out and I'm on a mission to find some sort of medical professional. My husband is like, "Oh, can I get you a wheelchair?" And he's trying to be helpful, but I didn't even actually acknowledge him and I just kept walking. I kind of ditched him. I walk into the emergency room and I'm just power walking.

As fast as I can. And it's this huge long hallway because we're on the back side, and it's quite a distance to get to the main admittance area.

Did Brian pull into the wrong entrance? Was there a better entrance?

Probably.

Oh gosh.

So I'm laser focused to get myself there, and I remember I got to the end of the one hallway. I looked, there's another long hallway, and I lights and people ahead. So I'm like, I'm almost there. And I start walking, and I just remember really vividly feeling like I was out of my body. I was floating above myself, watching myself walk in. And I almost was like, oh wow, this is like an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It looks like it would be a really good episode. And then I'm like, oh my God, this is my real life. I remember also looking to my right, and there was like a waiting room there. And it was like 3:30 in the morning, so it was empty. There was no people, except there was one cleaning lady sitting there, like, mopping up the floors. And in my head, I remember thinking, like, oh my God, I hope that I don't make a mess that this poor person's gonna have to clean up.

Don't worry, she was a ghost.

A couple steps after thinking these things, and then all of a sudden, like, pop, the head popped up. I'm walking as all of this happens, and then a couple steps later, her whole body slipped out onto the floor. I am wearing, like, a pair of 3/4-length sweatpants, and her head was kind of, like, at my knee, and then her body was up my thigh.

Oh my God. No. Did you start screaming?

It is so hard for me not to bring up the shower over and over again. I mean, we're just not in this situation while I'm in the shower.

I can't believe you weren't already just screaming and screaming for somebody to come help. You're so nice. You're just, like, walking and looking.

Fantasizing about being in a Grey's Anatomy episode.

It is a good episode. You pull down your pants and there's a baby.

There's a baby there.

I was holding her head and body as I was kind of shuffling along, and that's when I started calling for help. I was like screaming to try and get someone's attention, and finally they noticed that I was there, and a couple people came running up and they're like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I just had a baby in my pants.

I just babied my pants.

I just had a baby in my pants is really a sentence.

Yeah, not a lot of people get to utter that.

I didn't know what to do, and they were kind of panicked too. They're like, oh, oh my gosh. They looked down. They're like, pull your pants down. And I was like, well, I'm kind of holding the baby. So they kind of helped pull my pants down awkwardly. They grabbed the baby out of my pants, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around the neck.

Oh, scary. God.

And it got scary pretty quickly because she wasn't responding to anything and she was kind of an odd color. And I was like, oh my gosh. I kept saying, like, is the baby okay? Is the baby okay? And so it took a couple of minutes for them to get everything organized and they're all kind of shouting things and they were like, we need the baby to go. And they kind of are pulling at the baby. And I was like, I'm still attached because of course the umbilical cord is still there. At this time, I'm now sitting on the floor, like in a puddle in the middle of the hallway, basically with no clothes on. Here I was worried about just having a little bit of poop in my pants. They clamp up the umbilical cord, and I remember one of the doctors or nurses, I'm not sure what, he went to like snip the umbilical cord, and right when he cut it, this splash of blood squirted into his face from the umbilical cord. And I could tell he was like super disgusted, but he was trying to act really cool and professional. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

He's like, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. He was like trying to make me feel better. I'm just like, oh my gosh, this is just a disaster of a birth. Anyways, they quickly whisked her off and away. She had to go straight to the NICU because she had aspirated on meconium, poop in the womb, and then they get it in their lungs. So she was in the NICU for a couple weeks. But the funniest part was after the craziness was over, just as she was taken away, my husband shows up with this little backpack.

Brian, his hair done.

Come on, Brian. You didn't need that fucking shower.

Oh, it started with the shower. It got worse and worse.

He looks at me and he goes like, what happened?

Why are you naked? Put your fucking clothes on. I look great.

Oh my God, you're embarrassing us.

I said like, you missed it, it's over. Oh. And I'm like, what were you doing? He's like, I had to park the truck.

I had to get the truck washed. How hard was parking at 3:30 AM, Brian?

Oh, our friends actually tease him because if you know him, he's a big rule follower. He's also very by the book. So they tease him like, oh, so Brian, he had to get the perfect spot. What were you like counting your change?

25?

Well, like making sure you filled the meter up. And everyone's like, what were you doing, buddy? He's like, I thought I had time.

Oh, now I feel bad for Brian.

Well, he shouldn't have thought he had time when the head was already popping out. I called it immediately.

This is— the shower was insane. But we love him, and he's a good dad and a good husband.

He is not the best at childbirth situations.

Oh man.

Oh, well, Heidi, this is a humdinger.

That was good. I'm glad everyone's safe and healthy because, yikes, she just stood up and gave birth.

Vertical birth into her pants. Babied your pants.

The baby in the pants is now a 10-year-old fiery little angel. And actually, it's my other daughter, my older daughter, who we listened to Armchair Anonymous all the time together, and it's a special time that we love. And she's always excited and hopes that it's appropriate for her because some of them I'm like, I don't know.

Most maybe. That's fair.

Like maybe she didn't listen to Kinks.

My daughters love you guys, especially my second. She also watched Parenthood with me recently. I've rewatched it with her and it's so good. Of course we love Crosby.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'm very lucky to have gotten to do that.

I just appreciate everything about you guys. I've been an armchair Eve since day one and I just listen to them all. I love you both.

Thank you.

We love you.

We love you back.

My kids would like to—

Yes, of course, get them in here.

Hi, kids!

Oh my gosh, they're all here.

The baby in the pants is here too.

Yes, Tonka. What's everyone's name?

Evie, Charlotte, and I'm Ryker.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, we're grateful you guys listen. Makes us happy.

Do you have a favorite Armchair episode? Is there one story that you always want to tell people?

Well, the mouse and the water bottle.

Yes, yes, this is quickly becoming evident.

Now this story will be their favorite one, probably.

Yeah, it's a good story, it's a banger. Well, lovely meeting everyone. Tell Brian we love him, and my apologies for being hard on him.

Yeah, he's gonna love it.

All right, take care. Oh my God, we're meeting families today.

Mothers are in warrior They'll do what needs doing. That story is similar to Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Andy, their second kid, she had in the car. She had as they were pulling right up to the hospital and the doctors and nurses like rush out to meet them at the car and he was born in the car.

Didn't also Seth Meyers, his wife delivered in the foyer of the apartment building. I prefer to have it in the hospital.

I think most people—

that's preferred.

That's if you can.

Be cute. All right, love you, love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fly. Rhyme dish, on the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy.