Transcript of #2539 - Protect Our Parks 17 New

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

All day.

Yes, yes, boys.

Cheers.

Let's go.

What is that, a boiled soda? Hold on, I need a drink. What are you doing? Water? Hold on, hand me a bodega or a bar of sorts.

Why do you have water?

Because I didn't know we're about to start.

Where are you rolling? Yeah, you got beers in there?

Changed.

I got you.

Let me start with a beer and get We gotta get moving here. I just got off a flight. Thank you. Bodega Cat, available now. Hey, gracias. What is that?

What is this?

Root beer?

No, a Voodoo Ranger IPA.

Oh my God.

Can you give me that ice cube?

That glass?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Thank you.

You're not into IPAs?

No, no.

If you're having one or two IPAs.

I used to be, and then I gained like £45 in like a month.

It's a milkshake.

It was crazy.

I was drinking them like Bud Lights. I'd get done with this show, I'd have fucking 10 IPAs. This one's nice.

They taste great, but they're heavy as shit.

Oh, Guinness is the heaviest, right?

I love it.

You can only have a few of those.

They're less calories. Yeah, you can lower calories in it.

No shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surprising.

That's crazy. I would have never guessed.

Yeah, no, they rule. Second, second only to Bud Light.

I would have thought it was like super— hey, I would have thought all the super creaminess and everything that it has to be like heavy calories. No, no, no.

So vitamins.

So a Budweiser versus a Guinness.

Bud's way fatter.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, it's all wheat.

Yeah, crazy.

Hey guys, let's leave the Anheuser-Busch family out of this.

Oh, sorry.

All right, we've been through enough.

It's a fine product.

We've been through enough.

They've been through enough.

Well, Vady, we miss you.

So a Miller versus a—

yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Miller.

Isn't it crazy this works? It actually does. It does stop it from popping. Does it actually work? It does work.

How long you have to do it for?

Uh, I think that was enough. Look at that, he threw me a beer.

That's incredible. Yeah, I wonder how the fuck that works.

Maybe who discovered it?

Hmm, some serious little kids opening fucking sodas.

Yeah, do everything we can.

Back when they didn't have phones, they figured out a lot of things.

So you're off the nicotine. I think it might start. Yeah, even got a pouch. You got one on you?

Yeah. You're gonna buzz out, dude.

I'll try one.

I've never done a pouch.

You're gonna buzz.

I'll light you up, dude.

I don't mind a pouch.

I'm just gonna light you up.

What are we doing here?

I think I'm gonna stop because last night I couldn't get to sleep. 'Cause I was sitting in the green room and I just kept fucking chewing on 'em. And then I chewed on one on the way home. And then I got home and I turned on the TV for a little bit, popped another one in. Each one of 'em is 6 milligrams. It's just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And then when it was time to go to bed, I was laying in bed and I'm like, ah, fuck.

Yeah.

It's time to like settle.

Wired.

Norman, you've never had one?

No, and it burns.

Yeah, you're gonna hate that.

You're gonna love it.

I barfed last time.

I got bad gums. You're gonna shit. Oh, really? I already shit.

It's gonna hurt your brain.

You're gonna get nervous.

Hiccups?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

The 9s. Those, like, 9s really give you— Lucy's has—

Wait, what are 9s?

What's a 9?

9 milligrams?

9 milligrams. These are 6.

These are all right.

All right.

But 6 is a lot.

I like that, Norman, you do this a lot where you'll be like, I'll do it. And as soon as you do it, you go, oh, fuck.

Huge mistake.

Like that time you accidentally took Molly?

Yeah, the green whatevers.

Molly was wonderful.

Oh, that was a bad night.

I had such a nice night.

I had to take the bus home.

You didn't have to do that. You panicked.

I panicked. I had to get out of there, but I took a Bolt bus back to New York.

Bus on Molly.

But we both took— he was like, I'll do it if you do it. I was like, all right, I'll do it. We both took Molly, and then instantly he was like, why'd we do that?

Fuck.

Yeah. Well, Big J wouldn't stop talking.

I had to get out of there.

Oh, no. No, it's too much.

Philadelphia. You took a Bolt bus back to Philly?

Yeah, Chinatown bus from—

wow, you can't run around.

Why did you take a bus back?

We were poor.

It's convenient.

It was right there. It was like $2.

Yeah, yeah, the bus is like a dollar.

It's downtown to downtown too. It's pretty quick.

Yeah, this is hitting.

You just gotta watch one beheading. It goes quick there.

Keep it in, don't spit it out.

Like Jason Statham on Crank.

Is that an Alp?

No, it's a Zinn.

Zinn's good. Yeah, 6 is a lot.

Woo, I'm wired.

You're gonna die.

Let's go, N-words. I'm cooking.

I'm giving it up. I'm gonna try at least. 'Cause yesterday on the podcast I had a bunch, and then at night I had a bunch, and I was like, this is too much nicotine.

You should try sleeping pills, that's what I do. Fuck that.

You should just stop at 7 or 8.

I always can sleep. That's the thing, I never have a problem sleeping. I could sleep on a pile of rocks.

Yeah, you do espresso before bed.

Yeah, I have no problem with that. It's just the nicotine gets me. It's just too much. There's so much. Like, I've read something you should only have like 3 milligrams or 6 milligrams a day. And I was like, what? Oh, there you fucking pussy.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm counter-alcoholic.

I was popping them before workouts, popping them while I was shooting my bow.

Norman's getting nervous. He's like, maybe I started too heavy here.

I might want to take it out.

Don't take it out. Don't take it out.

My legs are tingling.

Boo face, dude.

Boo face. My toes must be twitching. Yeah, you're going to start sneezing. All right, how about that WNBA?

Yeah, that dude who, uh, wants to qualify for the WNBA, what's his name?

Kanter.

Yeah, he just did trigonometry.

Oh geez, freedom.

Yeah, hilarious.

He's getting into podcasting.

Yeah, of course, smart move. Look, it's a great move for him. Look, they've, they've painted themselves into the most loony position where they can't define what a woman is.

I like when he went after LeBron.

What do you say?

And he's like, hey, you're always talking about human rights, then you're like saying NBA should go to China.

Uh, right.

What, what's—

come on.

He had a good one a while ago about, I think, the leader of Turkey. Uh, Turkey, what's his name? No, I remember that was like his first controversy.

Yeah, that's when he was like— yeah, his family had to disown him.

Yeah, like, you can't come back Yeah, he's like a troll.

No, no, no, he was like any—

that was rebel.

Oh, it was bad.

That was a good one.

Okay, this, uh, thing that he's doing where he's pretending that he's a woman is very smart. Like, in this day and age, we almost need someone that's a public figure to do something like that, to show everyone how ridiculous it is that some psychopath can just pretend that they're a woman and knock women over on the court. I gotta check this out.

Norman's a fucking woman, dude.

There's, uh, what, my belly? There's some country where there is— oh, it's France— where there's a transgender woman on the team, just dominates. It's a giant dude, a giant dude just dominating these chicks.

And the ticket sales are up.

Hey, I doubt they're not gonna watch.

No one's talked about WNBA more than in the last 2 weeks.

What's that?

No one's talked about this league more than the last 2 weeks.

Found it, that's true, because nobody cared about the league at all.

Yeah, this is the guy.

Yo.

Whoa, like, that's fucking preposterous. Just literally preposterous.

She's on the B league.

I don't know.

I don't think she's in the pros.

No, she plays for France.

French national under— under—

wouldn't turn down an offer to play in the NBA or WNBA. That's hilarious. Why would you want to go where the money sucks?

I'd go for $75 grand a year.

It's a weird thing. Really hard. I got a horrible paycheck. I actually got it upped.

Who's the biggest baller in the WNBA? Like, who makes the most?

I don't know who makes the most, but Clark's got those endorsements. Asia Wilson, the best player.

Asia Wilson's the best player.

And the girl with the glasses with the poofy hair, she's very good.

Boston?

I don't know. If you said her name, I know she's really good.

What is like top player?

I'm sure their salaries suck.

Yeah, it's all endorsements. It's endorsements.

Yeah. So Caitlin Clark is probably the highest paid.

So the more controversy there is, the more people do come to see them. Do you think they allow them to foul more now?

Because they went with— that's what I was about to say. Nobody watched the league forever. It hemorrhaged money forever.

And then they had their first profitable year last year.

Racial division. They go, oh, there's money here. And now we got the transgender thing.

Well, the transgender thing is not real yet. There's not a real transgender person in the WNBA, but there's definitely some fucking roller derby shit going down. They're throwing those bitches on their heads.

I like it. I like it.

It's '80s basketball.

Is Larry Bird punching somebody? I'm like, oh, bring that back.

A whole league of Bill Laimbeers.

Bring that back.

Stephen A. Smith had a real good point when he was talking about the comparison between Michael Jordan, you know, like the athletes of today versus— and one of the things that he was talking about was the physicalness of the game.

Oh, the hands-off on the stars sucks.

Yeah.

They would— and you watch some highlights, like, showing what it was like. Like, Jesus, they threw down.

They fucked out each other. When they retired Bill Laimbeer's number, They instructed the ushers to cheap shot everyone as they're showing their seats.

Out of respect.

That's awesome.

Yeah, those guys fought.

Yeah.

It got ridiculous. And now the WNBA is doing the same thing.

The best was Oakley. They would like break up a fight and the foul line, he was just like, hey, they won't let us. Meet me outside though. Afterwards, let's meet outside and let's actually do it.

The crazy thing about the WNBA, imagine if the NBA had the same sexual dynamic. Imagine if most of the team was a bunch of gay dudes who were very aggressive and black.

Black's already there.

Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know what I'm saying?

Imagine if you reversed that. If the WNBA was just a bunch of straight people playing basketball. No controversy. Sex isn't even a thought in the NBA. No one thinks about gay players in the NBA. In the WNBA, there's a ton of like out lesbians.

It's mostly gay.

It's all lesbians. Mostly gay. Yeah.

Mostly big black gay ladies and a few scared looking Sophie Cumminghams that have to point fingers at people. The best thing is you're surrounded.

Yeah.

By people who think you're, you know, like perhaps sexually attractive.

And the heteros that come in, the rest of them go like, I'm gonna turn you.

They try to turn the heteros?

Yeah.

Wow.

They're like Conquest for sure.

They've made it into a reality show. It's become like Real Housewives. They're all just fighting now, right? That's the only reason you watch.

But it is an interesting sexual dynamic.

Of course.

Could imagine if it was like that in the NBA.

But this happened with the women.

Giant homos, just big giant 7-foot-tall gay guys.

All right, break it up.

Trying to fuck.

I said break it up. Wow.

Partyin', going everywhere and fuckin' wearing leather and shit.

Are they dating?

They do do that.

Are they dating each other?

They all dress very gay.

The NBA?

NBA, yeah.

They do?

Oh yeah. What's going on? Crazy outfits.

Black stylish is the word right there.

It's like a fashion show when they walk into the locker room. They all wear the craziest fuckin' outfits.

Hats.

Really?

Derby hats.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What? Oh yeah.

But I said Black culture.

Okay, this is just fashionable.

Black culture. Black culture. Black culture. Black culture.

Oh, I love those shoes.

He sounds like a Muppet.

The shoes and the mask.

The mask shell shoes are crazy.

You don't see Larry Bird wearing that.

What is— okay, what's going on? This is crazy.

He's gonna fall.

He's gonna step on a stair wrong.

What is that, Klay?

Whoa, wait a minute, they really dress like this? Yes, yeah, every game.

Every game.

Is this a big thing? Do they get like sponsors for their clothing and stuff?

Uh, like a setup there, Met Gala every day.

So you see them walking through the hallways, that's the deal.

Pull up Magic Johnson's son if you can.

Oh geez, he's not a player.

He's not talking about a wacky outfit or Dwyane Wade.

Well, just say let's fucking go.

We're back. Look at that. I mean, that's—

he's like, this was not the kind of gay that I was talking about. I stumbled upon an Instagram page called Cumcore. Oh, what the fuck? It's hardcore music for gay guys. So it's gay guys in like little like nipple leather straps and jockstraps and motorcycle hats.

Yeah.

You know, bare-chested, hairy, and they're doing hardcore music and they're just talking about sucking dicks and getting cum.

Oh boy.

So that's the kind of gay I was talking about. This is just fashionable.

Yeah, that would be the type of gay you would be if you were gay.

You'd be a shocker.

Yeah, I bet I'd get bored.

I'd get bored with it. I'd probably settle down with some twink.

No way, you have to fight. You'd go out for cigarettes and come back alive.

The thing about like the, those gay guys that don't have kids, all they want to do is fuck. Yeah, they just fuck all the time. Why don't have any kids? No one can get pregnant. They just fuck all the time.

Sure.

I know a guy at the Comedy Store, good-looking guy, and his boyfriend was like, uh, can you just— he would cheat all the time. He's like, can you just not give me AIDS? Oh, and then our friend, he goes, I can't promise that.

So there goes AIDS.

Doesn't even scare anybody anymore.

What's worse, AIDS or pregnant? That's the question.

Well, a guy gets pregnant, you're like, well, you've been lied to. You've been fucking a fake guy.

True. Yeah, but you got PrEP now. PrEP is big.

But the thing about like trans men, like they can't get pregnant anymore. It's one of the side effects, one of the side effects of taking all the testosterone. It makes them infertile.

Also, trans women potentially no period, which I think is an advantage. All these other girls have to worry about being mean for a week. Exactly. And they fight. There's no trans period.

It's male.

That's an advantage. That's an advantage.

They don't have to worry about having a heavy flow.

On top of that, you're dosing yourself up with estrogen. So like, where are you doing it? Once a week? Is there a spike in your estrogen? Then is it a dip down? Do you get, you know, do you have balance it out between masculine and feminine? Jamie, depending on your injections?

I see the trash can.

It is, it is what?

That means you've been thinking about this and I apologize for leaving cans.

It's fine.

I leave cans every time I leave.

You're right.

I didn't even think about it until I noticed you put a trash can here.

Don't sweat it, big dog.

But they've painted themselves in a corner because if they don't let the guy in, it looks bad. Right. But if they do, he's going to dunk.

Well, the thing is, can you define what a woman is? And until you can't, If you can't define what a woman is, then you're an idiot and this is nonsense. And that's what your ideology is. Your ideology is so stupid you can't define the difference between a male and a female. And so you've decided that people identifying with something means it's a real thing and you have to say it because everybody else says it and they scare you and they'll cancel you and go after you. So everyone's agreed to nonsense. So this is where we painted ourselves into this dumbass fucking corner.

I think everybody kind of agrees.

It's like even AOC was just talking about how woke 1.0 was crazy and all the different things that she was saying, all the defund the police talk that was going on, that everybody realized that's a ridiculous thing to say.

I think both sides on sports are like, it's a stupid issue, we shouldn't— that's— no, we're not going to die on that.

But they won't say—

Democrats are like, it's— we're taking that off the table.

What do you mean?

They're like, yeah, we— I think it's like 80% of Democrats don't think trans women in sports.

Oh, trans women in sports. Yeah.

So it's just the right dunking on the left because they're like, yeah, but it was—

there's a thing where those people that are the most radical will come after you if you don't agree wholeheartedly with their nonsense. So if you say anything like, you know, look, trans women aren't women, they're men who identify as women, which is fine, but there's a biological distinction that protects women in sports. And that's chromosomes. We know XX chromosome, you're a woman. XY, you're a dude. Do it that way. Call yourself whatever the fuck you want, but if you want to play in the WNBA, you have to have XX. And if you want to be a fucking— well, look, that's the other thing. No one gives a shit if a trans man wants to try and play in the NBA.

Here's something.

No one's, no one's trying to stop that. That was so fun.

Wait till someone in WNBA comes out as a man.

That's the rumor.

There is a rumor, solid one. I'm not gonna say who, but did they wipe their name off the record books?

That's maybe— that's why they're holding off.

They probably should.

They should.

Well, if you look at Caitlyn Jenner—

yeah, he actually got those stats as a player. Yeah, if you're like, I was a man the whole time, you'd be like, oh yeah, Caitlyn Jenner won the Olympics as Bruce.

Yeah, what happens if you go back to the Olympics in 1976?

Why?

Who won the Olympics? Wipe it. Does it say Bruce or does it say Caitlin?

Who's on the Wheaties?

I think Bruce won it.

Right.

Yeah, but what does it say? I don't know. That's deadnaming and that can get you killed.

I bet Bruce was like—

deadnaming can get you— used to get you banned from Twitter for life.

Yeah. Wow. That's not bad. That's a good place to be, actually.

You don't care.

Those people shouldn't be on there. Those people are probably doing great right now.

A lot better psychologically. They probably have added years onto their lives.

It's like banning you from heroin. It's like, that's probably for the best.

Not even that, because heroin's fun, I bet.

I bet heroin's fun. Twitter's never fun.

Twitter's never fun.

I was hoping when Musk bought it, he would just like bury it.

Well, it's more fun. It's more fun with him.

It's wilder.

It's wilder. It's like full-on Wild Wild West. They figured out a thing. Yeah, they're doing something now where when people get paid You have to— you can only get paid for original or accurate content because there's people that were— what they were doing is just saying like, Shane Gillis murders 6 in a bar, and they would never make a story.

6?

I heard 5.

You make a story and you post it and everybody clicks on it and you get money just from a full-on made-up story. And there was a ton of those because these foreign companies would just make thousands of fucking fake accounts and then maybe millions and then make a bunch of fake stories. So there's fake stories flooding your timeline, and you're like, what? And you look at it, 600,000 views, this must be real. And then you click on it too. So they're making money off it.

Maybe that's the thing though, now that all the news is fake.

Yeah.

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Maybe we can stop giving a fuck about the news all the time.

Yeah, it'd be nice.

It'd be nice.

Now I look at it, I see any article, I go, I don't know if that's real.

Probably fake. I would have no way of knowing. Yeah, I think everything's fake.

Speaking of which, what are your people doing in Argentina? Did you got your people light Argentina on fire and now they're trying to steal it? That's what I heard. The English? Oh, that's your new people?

Los Malvinas son argentinos. I side with Argentina on that.

You gotta pick a side. I don't know who you are anymore.

So they started a fire.

I'm not going to be anti-Semitic.

It's not even anti-Semitic. It's talking about policy.

But we do love illegal campfires.

Yeah, they lit it on fire.

Who did?

Now they're giving 100,000 hectares. Well, some Israelis lit this part of Patagonia on fire, and then they're giving 100,000.

Wait, wait, that's Chile and Patagonia or Argentina?

Argentina.

Oh, that's—

I believe it's Patagonia. I might be wrong. But the point is they lit a gigantic amount of forest on fire, and now—

With the weather?

When I was there, when I was there—

Millet is giving Israel that land. What do you mean?

What?

Go find the story. Fun story.

Give it a goog.

This is all— when I was there, I was lighting— I was lighting campfires, you know. And as you work your way down, at some point they're like, no campfires in the national park. I was like, what? And then you would just start lighting them, and then they go, you know, this whole place burned like 7 years ago to the ground because of campfires. I was like, nope.

Well, the thing about campfires, you're just giving any retard the ability just light fires in the woods. You know how crazy that is? It's so—

throw a bush in.

There should be way more forest. Put the bench in there. Would you really think about how stupid people are? There should be probably a lot more forest fires than there are.

Yeah.

What about Malibu? Was that planned?

That was arson. Really? Yeah, the guy's in jail.

They caught him.

That's straight-up arson. I don't know. He's in jail?

Arson Daley. He's in jail. I don't know that. Oh, he is?

Arson Daley.

He was inspired by Luigi.

Johnny Arson.

Really? To do something?

Yes. He's inspired by Luigi to light the palisades on fire.

Yeah, he was looking at all the rich houses, right? And going, those people.

There was a lot of people that were lighting things on fire. While it was— while the chaos was happening, people were just out there lighting things on fire. Huberman caught people on video. Really? Yeah, he caught some guys in Malibu on video lighting things on fire. They had gasoline, they had fucking lighters, they had torches. People were just running around lighting parts of it, contributing to it.

Wow.

The question is, is that orchestrated?

No, you've empowered a bunch of fucking mentally ill people to camp on your streets. When things go sideways and they burn it all to the ground, that hurts them zero, and it's fun.

That's what I'm talking about with the parks. Yeah, get them out of there.

Get tapped 'em!

We should have some frisbees.

Okay, no one has been publicly identified or proven to have started the recent Patagonia fires in Argentina. Investigators in Chubut have said at least one blaze appeared to be deliberately set, but the investigation has not established a named perpetrator. Claims blaming— I don't know what that word is— Mapuche communities or Israeli visitors are unsubstantiated. Uh, Chubut, Chubut's chief prosecutor said, uh, rejected the Mapuche allegation and reporting saying prosecutors did not consider the claims against Israelis a credible lead. Okay, but now here's the question. Did they really just give that land to Israel? Did they give 100 hectares or whatever it is? That's, that's fake.

They throw Israel in everything.

They really do. Everything leads back to Israel.

Is it all fake?

I mean, just, it's everything I look up online says this.

So this is— if it is fake, if it is fake, this is a perfect example what we're talking about.

Pedagogy is wild.

Perfect example where they create these stories.

Yeah.

And you know, there's probably something to this. What is that?

There's stuff on like Twitter that says it.

Okay, what does it say on Twitter?

I mean, I don't know that it's accurate or what these accounts are, you know, right?

What does it say though?

From Shadow Intel X.

Yeah, so I don't know, definitely true, definitely real.

Yeah, it's—

but let's, uh, so yeah, so here it is. Look at this guy. Is that a bot? Dr. Sam Youssef, PhD, PhD, DPT, 760,000 followers. It might be real. What does it say? Argentina exposes Israel takeover plan and the government is in on it. Argentinian presidential spokesman just blew the lid on the secret. What does it say though? Click on show more. Protected rural conservative land can now be sold to foreign private entities once a fire passes through it. See, this is the problem. What I was reading in this story was— 10 pieces of old design. It can be sold once a fire has passed through it. So what do you mean?

It's got emojis in it.

They lit it on fire.

It's legit.

Well, once you have emojis, it knows you care.

I like that Argentina copied our White House. Press conference room though.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

That's cool. We were there. That's pretty— yeah, we were.

Yeah, we were in there doing press conferences, me and Shane and O'Connor. Yeah, it was pretty nice.

The White House press conference.

Yeah, we didn't know we were gonna go, so we were just— we were walking around DC and then one of Shane's CIA friends was like, yeah, they're like, do you want to come in? Yeah, they're like, yeah. They're like, POTUS isn't here, he's in Tennessee at a fucking UFC event.

Yeah, so they were like, he's in Florida, no snipers are here. So we're like, oh sick.

They're like, POTUS isn't here, he said in Florida at UFC.

So that was the Miami UFC.

That's my guy. That's my president, y'all. He's not working, he's at UFC.

How wild was the UFC at the White House?

That was wild.

That was insane, right?

That was like fun.

I'm so glad I talked you into doing that.

I—

yeah, me too.

You had to go.

I'm like, this is only gonna happen one time.

I was like, I shouldn't fucking go.

You were wrestling with it.

There was motorcycles going over the pool.

That's what got me.

I was laying on my couch after I canceled. I said yes and canceled like 4 times. And then the last time I canceled was the day before. And then I saw they were doing fucking dirt bikes on the front lawn and I was like, I got to see this. Yeah, I should see this.

We were at the Cellar and he was like, he was like, what should I do? I don't think I should. I don't want the heat. I'm like, yeah, don't go. He goes, but I don't want to tell him. Let me do what to do. I'm like, no, no, don't go.

Yeah, no, everyone agreed with me. No matter which side you were.

Yeah, I see.

Yeah, I was at the Cellar and I was like, I don't feel like fucking dealing with it. Also, War in Iran, or this is a crazy time to be like, hey, I support this.

Everyone had a great time but Nate.

Nate was— Nate had a good time.

Well, not later.

Yeah, but he doesn't care. He's not reading it.

That was a fake one too.

It didn't affect his ticket sales at all. All these people saying that they canceled, fuck off. He sells out two fucking stadiums a night.

That was a fake one. It was the same newspaper writing 10 articles.

Yeah, well, it's just they, they'll go after anybody who's even remotely connected to that White House. Also, and they'll shame people.

It's just sports.

It's just— shit, the fights were great. I was so happy to see that Gaethje fight.

Gaethje is the best.

It was one of the coolest fights.

The perfect ending. And he beat a guy who most people thought was the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world.

Really?

Yeah, Topuria is a monster. Two-division world champion. Topuria is one of the most skillful guys that's ever fought in MMA. He's fucking good, man. Oh yeah, but Gaethje pulled it off, pulled it off in front of the whole world, and then did a backflip off the fucking top of the cage.

Wow.

With the White House behind him.

Nice.

And landed in the middle of the cage.

Yeah, I saw the dirt bikes, I saw the practice flyovers. I was like, I gotta see these fucking flyovers.

Yeah, I just was—

it was so sick.

Well, we were talking, I'm like, this is never going to happen again in human history.

Well, apparently Teddy Roosevelt had fights on the lawn.

Really?

Back in the day.

Oh, they've had—

no, they fought with his wife.

Well, unless you got a time machine, bitch, you're never gonna see it again.

It's funny seeing people weigh in. They're like, it's cage fighting, and it's like, it's human cockfighting. I'm like, bro, this is not a new sport. Yeah, you're like these left-leaning people are just discovering.

Biden did some wild things in the White House lawn.

What do you do? They have Easter egg hunts.

They had fun.

Well, you remember they had the trannies with their titties out?

Something like that.

That's also fun.

They had a bunch of trans ladies with their tits out.

Really?

Yeah, it's really funny. They took pictures like for Instagram with their tits out in front of the White House, and then people were saying that the cage fight is desecrating the lawn. Like, come on, guys.

Dude, if you have a lawn that big, both things are ridiculous.

You should have both things.

But at least one thing is cool to look at. One thing is fun.

And the other one's the UFC.

Those both seem fun.

I was trying. Yeah, I was trying.

He set up the dunk.

Those all seem like a fun time.

You should have fun with that lawn.

Fighter jets ruled. The fights ruled.

Bro, those fighter jets were so close to each other. That's what freaked me out. I was like, if one of these—

you hear about the terrorist attack?

Oh yeah, yeah, that was crazy.

I did Bennington's podcast the next day and he told me about it. Oh yeah, I was like, oh yeah, dude, it was a lab.

They had a guy pushing people towards one way and then other people with—

I don't know what they had about it. Drones, bombs on drones.

That, uh, I don't think that crowd would have gone the direction whoever, right, would want them to, right? That crowd would have been sprinting directly at whoever was shooting.

That's the same crazy crowd of people.

Yeah, they would have stomped that dude to death. My section that I was sitting in was like 10 Medal of Honor winners. Oh, I was waiting for this. They were like, please let there be a sniper, dude. They would— UFC fighters and soldiers.

Would you see there were snipers all over the roof?

Yeah.

Did you notice that? Yeah, yeah. Well, snipers all over the rooftop. There was guys everywhere. It was so heavily protected. It was crazy because I was like, I don't want to do this. I was really like, I don't want to be a part of this. This is gonna be too much of a zoo, too crazy. I don't like it for the fighters. You have to fight outside. What if it rains? What if it's too hot? What if it's this? What if it's that?

Yeah, fight outside.

So part of me was like, but then I was like, shut up.

You sent me that video when you were like practicing. Yeah, like when you guys were doing like a walk the day before, you sent me, he was like, come on, bitch, don't be a pussy. And I was like, fuck, he's right, I'm being a fucking pussy.

Fuck, it's just, it's never gonna happen again. It was so insane. Me and DC and John Anik were just looking at each other going, what the fuck?

What a backdrop.

This is insane. We're on the lawn of the White House.

But TMZ tried to get you.

They got me. Got fucking 20 beers deep. What'd you think about saying Michelle Obama's a man? I was like, I didn't fucking like it. And then I was like, but he's funny.

All right. The funny thing is, Joe Rogan didn't say anything when he said that. I'm like, the guy just beat the fuck out of Derrick Lewis. What am I going to hear?

I'm scared.

What am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

Hey, don't do that. And he throws me.

The problem with it It was on paper hilarious.

Hilarious?

To win a fight on the White House lawn and then call a former first lady a man. If you wrote that down, I'd be like, that's funny.

But the thing is, he says Michelle Obama's a man every time I interview him.

Really?

Yes.

He said it the last time I interviewed him too.

When I'm sitting there, when I'm sitting in that crowd going, this is probably a bad look. This is a weird group of people. And then the guy wins and goes, Michelle Obama's a man. I was in the crowd just like, You fucking asshole.

You ruined it.

You're doing exactly what they said we were gonna do.

No, he did a smart thing. I mean, it's very rude.

Smart thing?

It's very rude, but it's a smart thing, 'cause we're all still talking about it. Otherwise, it's just another fight of the night.

We're talking about the Holocaust too.

No, Diego Lopez knocked out Steve Garcia. No one's talking about Diego Lopez and Steve Garcia in the regular news. They're talking about this guy all day long. The next time he shows up at a UFC event, the crowd is gonna go fucking bananas. And if he wins, he's a superstar and he probably doubled his income by saying Michelle Obama's a man.

Mm.

Yeah, but that's what his WNBA player does.

He's a fucking pro wrestling heel.

Of course.

I know, it just validates everything that I literally—

as soon as he said that, I was like, yeah.

All right, Michelle Obama should play in the WNBA.

They still can't define a woman. They all need to come on board. This is all— everyone's ridiculous.

The last time I went to one of these fights was so much lamer with Rogan. We went to a fight on the lawn of Do you remember this?

Which one?

The fucking—

Oh, the Playboy Mansion?

Playboy Mansion. It was so bad, people didn't know what they were doing.

Wait, what?

That was this old fucking man.

I think that was Strikeforce. Was it Strikeforce?

It was below that. I think it was even worse.

I don't remember the company.

You went to the Playboy Mansion for a fight?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm pretty sure it was Strikeforce.

This old magazine mogul fucking limps out in front of us like 5 fights in and sits down with these hookers.

You know what's weird is—

No.

No, no, I guess he wouldn't be left there.

Playboy.

What's weird is how dated the place was. What was it, uh, Strike Force? What was weird was how dated the mansion is. It's like there's an old button phone on the grotto.

He was old as shit.

Not just old, like everything's just sad. John Lovett is still there in the past.

Cosby was there all day.

Everything is like it You know, obviously it's all gone now. Somebody— did somebody buy it? Imagine if we bought the mansion, started doing podcasts out of the place.

Wait, are we there? Look at that picture. Go back up. I think we're right near him, behind him.

Perhaps.

There you are, on the right.

What a weird— imagine he died at the right time. Better than that guy died at the right time, because if he was alive today, oh my God, for him, imagine what the Me Too would have been like for Hef.

That's a documentary about him. It's pretty rough.

Yeah, I did a good bit about it. Is, uh, the mansion for sale? Find out if the Playboy Mansion is for sale.

I think his son took— well, at least the business— his son took over the business, but they still have the mansion. Is the magazine even going?

Why would it?

It's like if you go to some movie star's fucking house and they were a movie star in like the '80s, you go to their house and they're in Malibu and you show up and their hair's all fucked up and they're kind of drunk, right? Okay, come on inside. What's wrong with that? Linoleum floor with like holes in it.

Oh shit.

You're like, What's wrong?

I bet Seagal's house is hilarious.

Me and Norman went, we went to fucking Elvis's house.

Oh, that was cutting edge.

It was like 4 TVs. You can watch every channel.

100 million.

Fuck you. I think we're out.

That's a little high.

Sale original listing price was 200 million.

God, do you get the whores? I mean, this is a little—

it's a lot of land.

The guy who makes cupcakes bought it.

Hostess.

A Hostess guy? I bet he's just running around licking the floor.

Yeah. Oh God.

Get that, get all that cream and snail trail off the floor.

It's—

but that, but that area where, where he's at, like, that, uh, that amount of land might be worth $100 million. That's like Brentwood, right? And it's a big chunk of park.

They take us in shuttles up there.

Yeah, you remember when he had, he had a, uh, like a big aviary and there was all these birds in there and shit?

Do you remember that? I don't remember that one.

We were walking around because we were high.

We were pretty high.

We were high as fuck. We took some edibles.

Oh, you're at the Playboy Mansion. Like, let's see these cranes.

Yeah, cool birds, man. There was cool birds. 5 acres. 5 acres in that area is worth a lot of money.

12 bedrooms, 21 bathrooms.

Was there a party in the mansion after the fight?

I don't remember.

We weren't—

we got out of here. Uh, we did. We were nobodies back then. Yeah, we got a shuttle. No, we didn't see any tits. No, we just saw the fights. We just went to watch the fights. It was like edibles and watch the fights.

Joe Rogan was like, he was once on a show, NewsRadio.

Yeah, I think that was the Fear Factor days.

Maybe early.

I think it was like year 1 or 2 of Fear Factor. It was early on, man. It was early because this is before like Ultimate Fighter.

Also, by the way, my bad on that.

What?

What?

She'd be like, did you stay and look at tits? You're like, no, we left right away. Yeah, my bad, fellas. No bitch-ass girlfriend question. We actually got out of there.

There was no tits to see. It was really like they rented the place out.

Never stayed for the end of the party.

I know. Yeah, I agree.

We— it's like they rented the place out as like a location, you know, like where you could fucking have your conference there. That's what it felt like.

They sold it off, yeah, little by little.

Very professional. Yeah, all good, fellas.

Above board.

We can move on.

No, no grotto, nothing. I mean, I'd have to look around.

I don't even know if there was one.

Those are the days where we used to have to go to Inglewood to get our weed. We have to go and we have to— we still have to go to get it medical because there was no— it wasn't legal unless you had a medical license. So you'd have to go to the Inglewood. And the place that I went to, that I had to stop going there because the guy got shot. He got robbed because they only could get—

they couldn't deposit your money because they were like, that's drug money.

They shot the doctor. They shot a dude working there, a dude I knew.

I was like, all right, when it was for sale still, he was still alive and you had to allow him to stay.

Oh, really?

That's hilarious.

You have to live with an old man.

However, the sale comes with one catch. Anyone who wants to live like Hugh Hefner will have to live with him. Whoa, that's crazy. That's all predicated the new owner allowing the 89-year-old Playboy publisher, and we assume his various playmates, to stay in the house. So you could buy the house, but he gets to stay in it.

What a buddy cop show that would be. Hanging out.

What a weird place you are.

Some Bitcoin billionaire and Hugh.

What a weird place you are in your life where you're like, I don't have much time left. I'm gonna die in this house, but I don't have any money.

Oh.

That sounds so bad.

And I have this big-ass house, but if I sell the house, then I gotta move. Maybe I can try to sell the house and stay in it, and they know I'm gonna die in it. And then they take it.

It's a tough deal. You got to watch a guy die, the horniest guy of all time die while you have a 21-bedroom house.

You would just send dirty whores to go fuck him to death.

The pump— I know, uh, Larry Flint had the dick pump.

Larry got shot. He got shot, paralyzed. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, he got shot.

Damn.

Yeah, that's why he's in the wheelchair.

Cum shot.

Is he still— hey, Mark Darwin!

Nice.

Is he still alive?

I think Michigan.

Yeah, he's got to be dead.

He's got to be dead.

Gotta be an awesome guest.

Oh yeah, no, he passed away in 2021.

Oh yeah, I thought he was still rolling. We're having a puzzle. That was okay.

Yeah, we missed the boat on that guy too. Fuck.

Yeah, that would have been a good one.

That would have been a good one.

It was a good movie too.

Yeah, it was.

It was.

Courtney Love is good.

Yeah, very good. Norm was in that. Yeah, look at that fat honky.

What do you— how do you get shot?

With a gun.

Yeah, I remember this. So he was like a big proponent of like free speech.

He was a big free speech guy.

Yeah, what was the— I don't remember what the assassination attempt was about.

See if we can find it.

Crazy about that magazine, they had racist jokes galore.

Oh, so racist.

It was crazy. Starting with the highlight.

Well, they weren't just racist. They were like, the sex, it was like very harsh.

Like, everything was harsh. Way worse than Playboy.

Oh yeah.

Way better than Playboy.

Aggressively bad. So what was the shooting about?

Yeah.

Go to, get off of images and go to all.

Sometimes you can just find it that way.

White supremacist.

A white supremacist murderer who shot Larry Flynt is executed. They killed him in 2013.

Wow.

Why would he shoot him? The racist jokes were a lot of problems.

He's a white supremacist. He's racist.

Maybe you put black chicks in the movie, in the magazine.

Oh, that'll do it.

That'll do it. So what was so, uh, fighting a misdemeanor obscenity charge. Local attorney Gene Reeves was also shot on the sidewalk as both men walked back to my Pop-ups to court. When you see a pop-up like that, what doesn't it make you not want to buy whatever that shit is? Yeah, forever. Yeah, like, fuck you.

It makes you want to block the whole page.

Yeah, like, you make me press that X, you savage. Fuck yeah.

Oh, this nicotine's a bad idea. Terrible, right? I'm like uncomfortable.

That's me last night at 2 in the morning.

This sucks.

I can't relax.

They're so strong.

Oh, you're running out. Relax.

Maybe the booze will help, but I'm flying and I can't I got like Beautiful Mind numbers over my head here.

Hey dude, you got rid of your shitty watch. What happened?

Hey, I got the Omega. No, look at that, fatty. It was free.

Well, thank God you got rid of that dumbass fucking—

it died, finally broke.

Oh really?

I was gonna kill it when you weren't looking.

You didn't throw it out, did you?

No, I got it.

I know you kept it.

It's a coffin at home.

I know you kept it.

I kept it. I love that watch.

It's a little Timex 10.

I think I would have been actually sad if you threw it out. Yeah, yeah.

You gotta put it on the wall.

Where'd you get that watch?

I did a— there's a— I did some show in Cleveland. There's a guy named Teddy and he has a watch show, and if you do the show, you get a watch.

That's better than the fuck— Teddy Baltasarri?

Yeah, huh?

Teddy Baltasarri?

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, the guy on YouTube.

Yeah, Bert did it. Tom did it.

Yeah, uh, he's really good.

He's good. Any watch you want. So I went with Omega.

That's cool.

Nice, beautiful watch.

Can I get this wet or no?

Oh yeah, 100%.

All right, yeah, definitely, no doubt about it. Okay, which model is that? Is that a chronograph?

Speedmaster.

That's what I have. I just got this one for my birthday.

Hey, look at that!

My wife got me this one. I love it already.

It's a great—

Joe, Joe, Joe, that's quick. Yeah, Omegas are my favorite.

That's a fun watch. You gotta empty your best thing I own, this watch.

Omegas, and I like Seikos. I really like Grand Seikos and Seikos.

Japanese, right?

They never fuck up. They last forever. You could fucking run them through the mud.

They got the quartz.

They never mess up. No, no, they're, they're all— it's all automatic. American serial killer and white supremacist who murdered 16 people between '78 and 1980. He either admitted to or was convicted of shooting 22 people across 10 U.S. states.

Whoa.

Which he drifted between while likely supporting himself with money from bank robberies.

Whoa, that's got to be a movie about that guy.

Whoa, what a wild motherfucker.

He's shooting interracial couples.

Imagine being trapped, trapped in a motel with that guy.

Yikes.

Yeah. Hey, what's up, man? I'll tell you what's up.

Just you and him in a room. You're waiting on somebody to come pick you up. So how do you know Charles? Hmm.

I don't, I don't.

Yeah, the nudie magazine industry is all over.

Yeah, it's over.

We got OnlyFans, free porn.

Well, you know what, when I hear something funny, when I was a kid, they weren't allowed to show erections.

That's a good rule.

I like that.

That's for the fellas. Yeah, that's for the fellas.

I don't know what they thought, because you could see full pussy. Like, a girl could spread her pussy lips. Like, that was the thing about Hustler versus Penthouse. Penthouse— or, uh, or Playboy, rather. Playboy was classy. Yeah, Playboy's the ladies, you'd see the bush, but that's it. You didn't see— you didn't look deep into the mouth of the dragon. But in Hustler, they were spreading that shit open. Yeah, and they would spray it down with water, get it all glistening, and you'd see bottom of her dirty toes. Like, that was Hustler.

Looks like the Predator mouth.

Yeah, they, they open wide, but you couldn't see cock. And if you did see cock, it had to be limp.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

So when I was a kid, we used to find magazines in the woods, and, uh, the first magazine that we ever found was Guys and Girls. I remember it was like a guy was supposedly a male prostitute that had sex with a really hot rich lady. And so he shows up at her house, like, there's all these different photos, shows up at her house, Next thing you know, she's on the bathroom sink and he's eating her box and the whole thing. And then when there's sex scenes, his dick looks like a drowning victim they pulled out of a lake. His dick is just like— and I'm like, this guy's right there! He's like, "Is that— why aren't you hard? This is crazy!" It was almost like to keep people from getting too crazy about porn. Because you have to think like—

Incremental steps.

Porn wasn't available unless you went to a place. Used to have to go to a movie theater and sit down and pay money. Sit down with a fucking raincoat on with a bunch of other freaks.

Sit next to Pee-wee Herman.

And you're all getting arrested.

And Fred Willard.

So then when I was in high school—

He got popped in there.

VHS tapes came along, but at the same time where VHS tapes where you're watching actual porn, the magazines still weren't allowed to show erections.

Well, erection is aggressive. Erection is scary. It's scary, it's coming out of the screen. But a pussy is nice. It's welcoming. It's inward.

It doesn't change shape.

I don't know why they couldn't— I don't know what rationale to keep people from seeing erections. It's kind of crazy.

Limp Bizkit.

But you can get in trouble if a guy had an erection and you put it in a magazine.

It's crazy.

Really?

This is in the '80s.

Yeah.

They're like, we got to do something. Here's some rule.

But it just shows you how retarded our society was just a few decades ago. That's what's really weird. You ever listen to Lenny Bruce?

Not that long ago.

What'd he get arrested for?

Oh, yeah.

It's so tame.

So tame. Really?

Yeah.

He's like, oh, a bunch of knuckleheads up there.

Get them off.

Get them off. Fucking cops waiting just for him to say anything.

Well, they had obscenity laws regarding words. Like, if you said fuck, you can go to jail. Wow. Yeah. Okay, so that's in the '60s.

So Nate would never get arrested.

I'm in the '80s, and you couldn't show boners. You know, that was what I'm talking about in high school. You couldn't show boners in magazines.

Magazines. Good.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Bring it back. Why do you want boners so bad?

You want Sharia law. That's what you want.

Get rid of the boners. Also, the magazines are coming back, dude, with these—

for real.

Every one of these conservative states, you can't fucking jack off on the internet.

I know, right?

Even VPNs won't work sometimes.

What are you talking about?

It's the new Mason-Dixon line. You go right up north, you're back.

Same thing in London.

What?

I've heard. I've never tried to get on.

I've tried to use them.

If you got the right kind, you're fine.

VPNs work great.

I know, but it's It's this weird north-south divide. It's dumb. It's stupid.

Well, it's also, they've done the THC thing. Here's what Texas doesn't understand. You will fuck this place up and you will turn the whole thing blue. They will, kids will turn on you. If you tell them they can't smoke weed, they know weed's not killing anybody.

Which one's blue?

This place.

No.

Oh, what's blue? Democrat.

Oh.

Red is Republican.

Shut up.

Come on.

How do you not remember? Shut up, donkey. He's pretending he lives in England now.

Which one's blue?

Which one's donkey? He's like Alec Baldwin's wife.

How you say cucumber?

All right, this bit's pissing me off.

I've been gone, lad.

You haven't been gone.

You've been drinking tea.

Alec Baldwin's wife was pretending she was Spanish. That was you right there.

Oh yeah, you pretended you don't know.

Like, lady, what? And people she went to college was like, that bitch speaks English. She must be so fun.

Your boy, but she's super hot.

He hit the old fucking Coke switch.

Oh, he's a—

what'd you show him before he didn't open it? What was it?

It's just him code-switching like crazy.

An old one? Yeah.

Yeah, he's good at it. He can go full Indian.

Of course, sociopath.

They had this guy running in Ecuador who was running for the indigenous party, and he was like— they showed him 5 years earlier, he's wearing a business suit, now he's got like a ponytail and fucking all the shit. What did he— what was his code switch?

Switching to Ugandan accent.

Um, Donnie's Ugandan?

All right, let's hear it, let's hear it.

You're gonna love it.

As a music supervisor for Queen of Katwe, and as we know, music is almost the last string that brings the picture together. It tells the story, it's the tie-in of the whole story. How was that for you? I mean, being anywhere involved with the music will be a daunting task, but to be a supervisor at that, it must have been a mammoth task.

Yeah.

So I actually created a playlist for Meera, who also happens to be my mother.

Nepotism and hard work goes a long way. So in February, I made a playlist, even before shooting, of a kind of a sound that the film could have.

What are we listening for?

We can find better ones, but— You never hear him speak?

I never have heard him speak. He doesn't sound anything like that.

He hit the old fucking—

I was like, oh, that was crazy.

I don't know if that's his first line of speech.

So the real question is, what's his real accent?

Wait, that— oh, so that's not— he's American?

No, no, he's from—

no, but now he's full—

but now he speaks completely clear American.

I did the right thing.

The right thing.

Yeah, lose your accent.

You still have those people in England since you live over there now, bro.

I'm trying to learn.

Tell them, hey, hey, hey, you don't have to talk like this. You don't sing like this.

People to their faces.

Yeah, as they're like, we have to do— I'm like, we have to do this. You sound so fucking stupid.

I used to have a bit about it, though.

The Beatles, they don't They don't sing like that. Nobody sings like that.

Mm-hmm.

Cindy Lauper talk like that. Like people from like Manchester or Liverpool, like, I don't know what you're saying. Yeah, sometimes I'm interviewing like Paddy Pimblett. I'm like, I don't know all these words. Kyle Legacy, bro, it's fucking— those are the greatest submissions I've ever had in my life. It might be the greatest submission of all time. And he did it to that guy Benoît Saint-Denis, who's a submission expert. Catch him in that guillotine on the first shot, and he called it. He said he's gonna shoot for a takedown, I'm gonna choke him unconscious.

When he comes out, where's your head at?

Yeah, yeah, bro, he's so wonderful. He has so much fun. But the crazy thing with that dude is on the walk to the cage, looks like he's having a party. It's all dancing and party. The moment he gets in that cage, the flip, the switch gets flipped. And then he's just stone-faced, and he's not— no more playing around, very serious. It's like he just enjoys himself up into the moment where he has to lock in, and then he locks in. It's like sometimes I worry about a guy getting too relaxed and too confident. With that dude, it's like he's got it perfect balance. Party, the whole crowd is doing this, everybody's doing this, the whole fucking crowd. And then, but when he gets into the octagon, he dances a little bit for everybody. And then he just locks in. It's amazing to watch.

He flips the switch later when he gains £60 too.

Oh, he gains.

I also respect that.

I love it in the offseason.

I love it.

It's like, uh, he transitions.

Yeah.

Uh, who was that? Uh, James Harden. Who was the British boxer?

Lennox Lewis.

That fought, uh, Mayweather and Pacquiao? Ricky Hatton. Ricky Hatton would fucking blow up too.

Yeah, he would get big.

Yeah.

Look at these guys all wearing wigs. It looks like Hanson's great.

Yeah, they all wear Patty the Batty wigs. How many blonde wigs has this guy sold? I'll tell you, man, if this dude gets a hold of your neck, everybody's fucked. Everybody's fucked if he gets a hold of you. Let me show— just show him coming out dancing. As soon as people see him, they go crazy.

Heads will roll.

Heads will roll.

It's so sick.

As soon as the audience sees him, they go fucking bananas. Everybody starts throwing their arms in the air.

Wow.

I turned around and looked behind me when I was calling the fights. I look, fucking everybody had their arms going. It was amazing. It was amazing.

He's probably the most fun right now.

100%.

The most fun. He's the new Conor.

He's the most fun. Yeah, but it's different. He's like a sweet guy.

Yeah, he's fun.

He's like, yeah, him and Taporia fucking hate each other. So that would— that's a really interesting fight. But let me tell you something, man, he's big. Like, deceptively big. Like, he's deceptively big when you're standing next to him. Like, he's a big guy. Topuria is not nearly as big as Paddy. Paddy's huge. He's a big guy.

Really?

He gets— yeah, he gets fat in between, but I mean, when you look, he's fucking big.

How tall is he?

At least 5'11" and thick. That's the thing is about his back. Like, when he got a hold of Benoît Saint-Denis, he catches him in that D'Arce choke, and then you see the back muscles on that motherfucker. And then he wraps his legs over the top and he's rolling through the whole thing. Like, he's got a squeeze, man. He's big.

Look at this.

This move was so slick. You have to understand, like, this has never been done in the UFC before. Out of all the submissions—

what is this?

It's a D'Arce choke with legs over the top. Like, it's almost like you're in full guard. And he's using the right foot. You see what he's doing? His right foot, he's flexing forward. He's holding his arm in place. And then his left foot is pressing down on the back, and then he's got the full D'Arce grip, like a rear naked choke style grip on the choke with the arm tucked in. So he's got his legs involved, he's got his back involved, his arms, everything. It's insane how much he can't get his left arm out of there because he ain't going nowhere. He's fucked. He's complete— and he tries to roll because Benoit signs the knees like very legit, so he tries to roll out of it and Paddy just rolls with him and then winds up on top with just insane pressure, man, and just put him to sleep. But no one's ever done that submission. So it's a combination of like a Peruvian necktie, a D'Arce, and, you know, maybe a couple other things.

What's his right leg?

So people are calling it the padlock now. Hey, another kid just pulled it off recently in another MMA fight, pulled off the exact same move the exact same way, which is really fun. It's like people see someone do something, they go, oh, I didn't think about it that way. 'Cause generally when you catch someone in a D'Arce choke, what you do is you try to hook the leg, and you're just basically like sinking the choke in deep and you're hooking the leg. But what he did was went around the top and got over his back and then just rolled with him, and it's like, oh my god, the pressure's insane.

Oof.

It's hell.

I would break out of that. Eee!

This is like when I watch some guys getting choked and I'm looking for— I look for a way out. I look for like, where's a way out? Where's a way to defend? I'm like, there ain't no way out of this. This is death. This episode is brought to you by Amra. Every week there's some new wellness hack that people swear by, and after a while you start thinking, why do we think we can just outsmart our bodies? That's why Amra colostrum caught my attention. It's something the body already recognizes and has hundreds of these specialized nutrients for gut stuff, immunity, metabolism, etc. I first noticed it working around training, especially workout recovery. Most stuff falls off, but I am still taking this. If you want to try, Armor is offering my listeners 30% off plus 2 free gifts. Go to armour.com/rogan.

What's he doing with his right leg to his left arm?

Well, his right leg is hooking the bicep. He's hooking it right where the bicep meets the crook of the elbow, so he can't— so he's not, he's not gonna be able to get that arm back. So elbow, it's like locked in place like here, so he can't defend. What he wants to do is sneak it under and try to separate the lock. So now this arm's out of the equation. See, I would have stopped him. So you're only defending, you're defending one leg and two arms that are wrapped around your neck with one hand.

With one arm, wow.

With only one hand, 'cause he's using his right foot to lock a hold of that elbow crook. It's fucking sick.

And pulling it back?

As a guy who loves jiu-jitsu, that's the sickest shit I've ever seen in my life.

They should teach that to cops. Cops would be good. They'd be good to know that, you know.

You wouldn't shoot people.

You could just lock them up.

You're gonna put them in a padlock?

Yeah, yeah, I gotta put a padlock.

I just shoot him. All right, it's faster.

And we get the body cam footage.

Definitely know jiu-jitsu. Look at it. That's what he looks like when he's getting squished.

Holy shit, look at that.

How insane that is. Like, he's got one arm that really can't even engage. See, his arm can't even grab a hold of where it's gripped. Oh, he can't reach it. And then his other hand is where he wraps ahold of it with his foot. So he locks up with his right foot underneath the crook of the elbow on the left arm, and the other arm's useless.

So he's just going, he's just going, "Pad tie, great name." I had to rip it a fart right then.

Yeah, they call it either the padlock or the pad tie. That's what people are calling it.

I love them both.

He should name it. Paddy should name it.

He did. That's what he put up.

Oh, he called it the pad tie?

That's great.

There he goes. Oh, beautiful. Okay. So that's what it is now. So it's the pad tie.

Remember the Jew cloth?

Oh yeah, you take the money.

Yeah, what's the jukebox?

Eddie Bravo.

Eddie Bravo had a— I forget how it goes. I forget that move. How does it work? Do you remember?

No, but I was there and he was like, what should we— oh, let's call it the— oh, all right, jukebox.

I was like, I'll allow it. He's always got ridiculous names.

J-I-U. He's like, no, we'll change it.

Worst superhero ever.

Just a guy I had to do commentary for the UFC once, and one of the guys that was fighting was one of Eddie's students, and he was doing something called crackhead control. So it was like on Fox, and I had to explain, this is called crackhead control.

What is this?

Sweep from the claw.

Sweep from the ju claw? You're afraid to say ju?

I mean, it's not really ju. That's misspelled. It's spelled ju.

Eddie was clear.

No, it's J-U. You know, that's, that's literally how it's spelled.

Are there any Jewish fighters?

Oh yeah, definitely. There's a ton. There's a ton.

He had a good sleeper.

Wait, in the UFC?

In the UFC?

My ears get hot in these fucking—

Okay, who's a Jewish fighter?

I'll say that.

AC, I don't know.

Well, Moti Horenstein was the first.

'75.

Moti Horenstein was a— I think he was an Israeli special forces guy, and he was a Krav Maga guy, and he was in the very Maybe, maybe Kyokushin. He was in the early UFCs. He fought Don Frye and got beat up. He fought a few, a few big guys and got beat up.

Mm-hmm.

What, Tiger Schulman?

Maybe he didn't fight Don Frye.

Tiger Schulman?

Tiger Schulman is a coach and he runs a bunch of like elite—

he marketed—

MMA gyms.

Yeah, he sells a lot.

He parlayed it well.

Who's Tiger Schulman?

Yeah, he's probably a good fighter.

Well, the fan— they know what they're doing for sure. They've developed a bunch of like elite, elite fighters. Like Shane Burgos came out of there. A bunch of guys, like top-level guys, came out of Tiger Schulman's.

Oh, he was MAGA? Huh? Oh, Krav Maga.

The original MAGA. I don't remember what Motti Hornstein's style was, but this is the back—

Running away and surviving.

Motti Hornstein.

Come on.

Oh shit.

Yeah, accountant.

Early UFC. He was an Israeli guy who fought in the early UFC.

He was good.

Just sue me.

Talk to me and put me in a comment.

I'll sue you.

He was good, but he was a little too small, and he was also not a wrestler. And, you know, he got fucked over by these wrestlers. They just beat the shit out of him. So who— there he is.

There he is.

Okay, so this is 2026. So he's doing like a seminar. Oh, okay. See if you can find like footage of him from the early days of the UFC.

Benny the Jet looks like a fucking vampire.

Wow.

Yeah, Benny needs to shave that guy's tongue.

He would fuck you up.

Benny was a guest. He was a guest.

Really?

Yeah. When I first moved to LA in '94, that was one of the first places I went to. There was two meccas that were in LA. One of them was the Comedy Store.

That was the big one.

The other one for me was the Jet Center. That was his place in Van Nuys.

This is the Smashing Machine versus—

Oh yeah, that's who it was. It was Mark Kerr and he got destroyed.

I would not want to fight the Smashing Machine.

Smashing Machine versus the Jet Center.

That's a good name for it. So he was, he was good, but he was a karate guy. And like, there ain't no way you're gonna be dealing with Mark. Oh, big Mark Curry! He's huge. Immediate shot. Not only that, while you're wearing a gi, there's so much to grab a hold of. It's so easy to control you. If fighters fought in a gi in the UFC, the fights would be completely different. And Mark just beat the fuck out of him.

Oh God, you hold me down too much.

Stop it, please get off. Also, Mark admittedly was on on all the steroids.

He was—

oh yeah, he was on some stuff that you could only get in Mexico.

Didn't need him.

He didn't need them.

Should have saved us steroids.

Oh, but this is like UFC probably 10. Okay, 14. UFC 14. Oh yeah, I was there for this.

Wow.

But this is back when I was working.

Keith Willickers.

Were you working for free?

Yeah, I was— no, I got paid back then.

Nice.

I didn't work for free until the new UFC because they were hemorrhaging money, so that they tricked me into working They tricked me into doing one event. I did one event when they did the Best— best— remember Best Damn Sports Show, Period?

Yeah, yeah.

So they had a Best Damn Sports Show, Period UFC. So they had to make it UFC 37 and a half. I think it was 37— 32 and a half. Was it Tom Arnold? He was on it.

Tom Arnold. Brody did the warm-up.

Yep. It was a couple other dudes on it. And so they did that, and they did that for Fox. And Dana and I were friends. And Dana was like, just do me a solid, would you just do commentary on this one show? Just because it's gonna be on Fox, it'd be big. Fear Factor guy does it. I'm like, okay, I'll do one. And I did one, and then the next thing you want to do another one? Got me. He got me. And the next thing I didn't, like 15 of them for free. They gave me a nice Rolex though.

They used to do celebrity boxing, remember that? Oh yeah, that was fun. They should bring that back.

Screech. Yeah, well, they will. There's always a bunch of people that are broke.

Tonya Hardwick.

Yeah, Tanya Harding was—

she could fight.

How about we did it on The Man Show? Tanya Harding fought Doug Stanhope.

That's awesome.

Really?

Who lost? Killed him.

Doug kind of held back a little bit.

Ah, he didn't have her fucking raw.

Doug's got a great ego. He doesn't, you know, he doesn't need to win. He just wanted to make it entertaining. It was pretty funny though, because watching Doug smoking cigarettes in between rounds, like, oh, I've never seen this.

It's such a small ring.

Ah, look at the little— was that his mom?

The ring was fucking tiny. It was ridiculous. Poor, poor Doug.

Look how young he looks.

God, that's crazy. Look, he's taking a haul of a cigarette. His mom was alive.

That's great.

That was fun.

Now, who won?

I don't remember.

The fans won.

Yeah, nobody won. Everybody lost, including America. Those celebrity boxing matches, sometimes they're sad. —was it the dude who died recently? Aaron— Aaron Carter, is that his name? Yeah, with the tattoos on his face. He had a one against, uh, the basketball player. He used to fuck the Kardashian girl. Yeah, Lamar Odom probably killed him.

Uh-huh. Yeah, crazy choice. Uh-huh.

He should have done crackhead control on that guy.

It'd be like me fighting a 13-year-old. It's like so ridiculous. In. He's so big, and that kid couldn't fight at all. The whole thing was crazy. Like, he must have just been so desperate for money or something, you know? I don't know, something sad. You see Dirty Work? Sure.

When the kid from Diff'rent Strokes comes in and tries to fight like, like, how's this good? What's the joke?

Oh, Todd. Gary Coleman. Yeah. Yeah. What was it, Gary Coleman? It's Gary.

He just gets walloped.

Do you remember when Gary Coleman was working as a security guard and people would just show up just to make fun of them. No, people are so evil. Because there's one thing if you're just a 4-foot-tall security guard, that's one thing. But if you're a 4-foot-tall security guard who used to be a TV star, famous, then people feel like— people, when you've crashed, when you've made it to great heights and then you've crashed, there's people that revel in that. They— yes, they love watching. Look at the size difference. Fucking— how crazy is that?

Not only that, it says he was 6 foot.

He's 6 foot. Okay, be 6 foot, £100.

Respect for going in the ring though.

No, he's on drugs. Ah, gotta be out of his fucking mind.

Yeah, he's on the Elvis diet.

That is crazy. Look at the weight difference. The weight difference is literally insane. It's literally insane. The weight difference is like fucking £80 and he's giant. It's terrible. Don't watch. Mark could have been on crack. That's what I'm saying. Might have made it worse. That would have helped control. I'll fight anybody if I was on crack.

You got to round 2.

Oh well, I don't think they're like 1-minute rounds. I mean, even then, yeah, it's just a beating.

Oh, if he was a kind soul, he would have just punched him to the body, just liver punched him until he drops. Damn. But you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. Carter, that's the saddest state of fighting, is people that are desperate for the money because they used to be famous, now they're not, and then they're gonna have a fight.

That's what they want, fame and money.

At the same time, or slap fighting. That was the saddest date when you need the money and you're— because you know you're only getting like $18 grand. The slap boxing? Yeah, you ain't getting much.

The slap. You ever see Jeremiah fuck up Lewis?

Yeah, did Jeremiah hit him? Oh, that was great. I was— Lewis started cheating a little. Oh yeah, yeah.

Lewis hit him with like a legit punch to the body. Legion of Skanks. And I was— yeah, I was so happy.

Yeah, I was obviously—

they had a slap fight.

Like, Lewis just would never be able to handle the loss, which is very funny. Sure.

Jeremiah weighs 100 negative £4. Lewis got leg kicked by— no, this is just one of them. They had one of them that they did on the stage.

Yeah, this one was the setup because you've got—

did Jeremiah still box at one point in his life or something?

He boxes against the Satan.

Oh Jesus, he loves Jesus. Did he box or something at some point in his life? He's just wiry. Interesting. Good for him. So, uh, Lewis was outside of the creek and some homeless guy was talking shit. Something happened. Oh, so he squares up with the homeless guy and the homeless guy immediately leg kicks him like a really good, like, Muay Thai leg kick, and then he hits him with a second one.

That guy was like, all right, all right. No, I said I watched it. He was trying to keep it going.

I didn't even watch it.

I know Lewis put his hand out. He was like, all right, all right, I won't watch that.

And I won't watch the Perez Hilton video either.

Oh, that's good. It's fine. It's fine.

He's not cutting himself. Oh, you think it's fake? Yeah, he's in the hospital doing what?

Still the mental breakdown, not for the wounds. Are you sure? I would imagine.

I think he got some pretty good lessons.

I don't know if you want to say that.

That dude will sue you.

He will sue you.

That crazy fucker really cut himself?

Sure, just for attention. He sues the guy who holds the world record, the world record of the largest selling-out show of all time.

Of course he's gonna say Perez Hilton.

No, this guy. You're right. Yeah, of course.

I heard selling out, I went the other way. You're in England, a lot of things have I'm a headliner.

There's a new sheriff in town.

How is it over there? You're fitting in?

You— I'm, uh, it's fucking rough. They hate immigrants so hard.

When are you gonna move back? Including you? Why don't you come back here? Right here, right here, buddy. Come on, we'll get you an apartment.

You gotta go. I'm already hooking up. You're calling yourself an immigrant?

They have the law set up to make it hard for you.

No, he's an immigrant.

If you're in England, immigrants they don't like.

I know, I'm trying to explain that to them.

I think they like the other kind.

Tell them you hate Muslims, you'll fit in.

If you just came in with no paperwork, you'd get all the services.

Oh, they hate Jewish immigrants.

No, no, they— yeah, they hate just immigrants. They make it hard. You can't rent an apartment unless you have 3 years of UK rental experience. What? Come back. I know, we all—

every immigrant, come back to America.

You know what I mean? Ari, don't tell me you're from—

Ari, we got a place for you right here.

How do the other guys get in so easy? They have to live with their fucking family.

Ah, they don't— they just can't do it.

I got a place for you. It's a nice— it's a nice condo.

Let me stay with you. Come on, I got a place. I'll stay at the foot of your bed.

Watch me and my wife fuck.

I don't want to do this in the middle of the night.

Yeah, I'll make you take pictures of me and my wife fucking.

I'll eat popcorn while you guys are fucking.

It's like, why don't you get a nice place in a nice penthouse? I know a spot. I know a spot.

I got a spot for you.

Let me— get me a place right above Tony.

Oh, it's a nice view. The place that I'm talking about—

Tony's the bottom.

I literally have a spot.

I have a spot. It's a nice condo. You don't need to live in that nonsense.

You're gonna end up here anyway. It's gonna happen. It's gonna be some more fun.

Listen, if you want to work, there's plenty of fucking clubs.

Too early. Shut up. Living in Nob Hill.

What? You just said you're just getting started. You're not having fun?

I'm not having fun. It's been very difficult. Bail. It's been extremely difficult. 2 months I haven't found an apartment. I've been turned out by 7 apartments. Apartments.

Wow, you gotta shave.

There's legit anti-immigration.

All right, I'll give you an apartment for a year for free. Whoa, keep it down, keep it down. One year. It's a nice 2-bedroom in a gated or a guarded, uh, building. One year without— one year for free.

Come on, let's get started.

I think it's on the 39th floor. It's a great view.

Great. 9th floor. Which one is that? The tall thin one?

I'll show you Later. What do you have it for? I got real estate, bro. I'm rich. Oh, nice. Wow, a year. I'll give you one year for free. You don't have any money. I don't have any money. Come on, dog, you don't need it. I haven't toured in so long. Get some money at the Mothership. You could do a night once a week. You get 80% of the door. Woo! Start making money. Yeah. You work all around town. You can start doing the road in America. Land of the free, home of the brave.

Let's get this over before he waits till he moves to England.

Wait till I had to go through all the paperwork.

I wanted to try to lure him back.

I didn't think he was really going to go through with it.

I thought he was going to stick with Legion of Scam.

Dude, I had to get fucking Francis Foster to be my guarantor. They were like, we're gonna trust you with your money. I was like, I make more than him. And they were like, it's not your— it's American.

Damn, they don't trust your money?

I'm freelance, so I have no actual boss, right? No employer. And then it's like, do you feel safe, bro?

Can't they just Google you and see your Netflix specials?

I've tried that. That doesn't work. The problem is they saw the first one first.

Which one? He's got no Amazing Races?

No, no. Yeah, that'd be great.

No, they would welcome me in there. It's not your Kobe video.

Oh, there's got to be a British guy out there who's hearing this, like a British Rogan who's like, I'll give you a place.

Jimmy Carr. Jimmy Carr.

Yep, he wrote my, uh, visa letter.

Oh, he's a great guy. Yeah, he is a good guy.

Ricky Gervais is great.

Fucking apartment, dude.

I've been turned down by 7 apartments.

Why don't you live with Eddie Izzard? Eddie Izzard.

Izzard. Because I need some fucking closet space.

He's way out of the closet, bro.

He's all the way back for his dresses.

Oh, got it. Um, listen, come back, come back to America. It's a cute idea. You gotta hit me up in a year.

I haven't even gotten started yet.

Come on, stop. It's not gonna work. Can you hand me one of them bottles of beer? Absolutely.

Yeah, give me one of those Bud Lights. Absolutely. One of those crisp—

trying to get fat off these IPAs. Hell yeah. Give me some keys.

Let's do this together. All right, hold on. He's got some keys.

Keys. Give it a second. Keys. Give it a sec. Don't try to deflect from your fucking British. Guys, I just started.

This is the wrong time. Fuck that place. No disrespect to English people, I love them to death, but I bought—

you don't want Tottenham tickets. I'm not going now.

Here's the other problem: they're gonna put you in jail. You talk too much shit, dude.

Trust me, I fucking press them.

They're gonna print this.

Yeah, you want to go to jail, huh?

Is that the— I want to test the fucking rumors.

That's what it is. Yeah, he's, he's a— this is a Josh Hoke Michelle Obama's a man on the White House lawn. That's what he's doing. He's doing that shit.

I got a sweet new bit about Muslim drivers, female drivers.

Oh, I do too. Let's make sure we don't have any cross talk.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about later.

Um, you don't want to live there, dude.

I do. It's fun.

Shut the fuck up. You miss us.

It's fun. You miss us.

You were so sad.

Manchester United, that would rock, dude.

December 5th, come to the derby. Sure, to visit, right?

To derby. What? Once you live there long enough, you'll understand it's called a derby.

I just said the derby. You called it derby because I did say that.

It's spelled derby. I said derby.

It's a derby, lad. I said it.

Watch the tape. I said it.

Yeah, I watched it. Roll it back. Roll it back.

Click back. I wish we could rewind. I literally said derby.

I think he said derby.

We need an instant replay. I apologize then. I thought he said derby as well. I'll be the bigger man.

Do you see how I do that?

You're not a bigger man. You were wrong. You're not a bigger man.

You were wrong.

I'll see. I'll see. That's not a bigger man. See? You don't know who's right.

It's a bigger man. You were clearly wrong.

Hold on a second. Can I speak?

Can I finish?

See, somebody lost their composure. Excuse me. Now, when I'm wrong, that's the name of the thing, I go, I'm wrong. Okay, and that's just a lesson for you. You can learn from this. Derby Dreamhouse. That nicotine took him out for an hour.

I was in London. Oh, that was a rush. Not a good rush. Couldn't think straight. My legs won't stop moving.

Now imagine taking like literally 20 of those over the course of a night and then trying to go to bed. That was me last night. I was laying in bed, I said, I think I'm done.

Yeah, it's every night. And then I listen to that fucking Annie Jacobson book every night.

I'm like, oh shit, who's that chick from Broad City? Uh, no, she did— she's the lady that wrote the book on nuclear war, nuclear war scenario, which was the scariest book I've ever read. The new one is on biological war. It's bad. It's a bummer. It's fucking scary.

It's like how easy it would be to ruin everything. Yeah, yeah.

And how we're doing it.

Everyone can die. Yeah, and China's definitely doing it. Yeah, we're making crazy stuff right now in labs. Like all this Fauci shit that's coming out, like a lot of this stuff, what they're really doing is warfare stuff. Yeah, a lot of these like diseases, this gain of function where they're trying to pretend that they're trying to protect people from future viruses What they're doing is making viruses more transmissible and more deadly, and they're working on it. Your tax dollars are at work.

All right, they made a plague. They made the bubonic plague that the first 24 hours they spliced in a thing that makes it— you feel euphoric. It's like ecstasy for 24 hours so that you want to go out and talk to people and go to a bar and, and trans— want to go out and dance.

That's like brilliant and evil at the same time.

Who's doing that? Soviets did it.

Oh, it spreads like a virus. Oh yeah.

Oh, it's 100%. It's like that cat. 100% deadly.

Yeah, but the fact that they spliced in ecstasy for 24 hours, so the first 24 hours you're like, I gotta talk to my friends. You're feeling— I gotta go out.

Oh, that's genius.

You're calling your friends up telling people about your new protocol. This is my new health protocol. Damn. Whoa. Meanwhile, you don't know you have like 100% fatal Ebola. Or whatever it is. Wow. Yeah. Holy—

It's pretty lame. It's pretty lame. Whoever did this should be executed. All of them.

All of them. Well, you see the Fauci thing where he knew that women were getting miscarriages? What? And they lied about it? He lied about it months after he knew, after he expressed publicly, or privately rather, in a text message that it seems there's a cytokine storm that's causing miscarriages with the second dose. So he says this, this in a text message. I don't know if he said second dose, but he did say cytokine storm that is associated with miscarriages, and then publicly was out there promoting the idea of women who are pregnant getting vaccinated when he knew there was an issue. And he also lied about the number, the number of women that got— I don't even want to say what the number was because what I'm reading is 80%. 80% miscarriage rate in the first trimester. Something fucking insane. But I personally know 5 people who got pregnant during pandemic, got vaccinated, and had miscarriages. 5 different people.

If I got a girl pregnant, I'd be like, you need to get the vaccine.

You need to be safe. Our baby needs to be safe. And you should get both, the Moderna and the other one, just in case. Oh yeah, dude, it's fucking terrifying. That guy's a sociopath. People that are thinking that this guy was some sort of a fucking healthcare hero, you don't know what happened in the '80s. You need to go and just objectively read up on what that guy did with AZT and AIDS in the '80s. I thought he was like an AIDS hero. Fucking monster.

Didn't he do a lot of good with AIDS?

So no, I'll tell you in a minute. Well, so what does it say? Cumulative miscarriage rate of 10.8% from 6 to 20 weeks with after mRNA vaccination. Just stop and think of that. Imagine if you're having a kid, and Mark, you have a kid, you're the only one besides me. You love your kids more than fucking anything in life. The idea that you could give a medication and 1 out of 10, your baby's dead. No one's gonna sign up for that. And what is the odds your wife is gonna live and everyone's gonna be fine? It's 99.9. 9,999,999 if you're healthy. 9,999,999. Meanwhile, this motherfucker went around telling people that they should get vaccinated while they're pregnant.

Uh, I should have signed up for that.

A claim from early 2021 pregnancy registry report showed an 81 to 82% miscarriage rate. This is misleading recalculation of preliminary registry data. Many live births in that early report involve people vaccinated in late pregnancy, so simply removing them from the denominator while returning. But the issue, apparently what he said was in the first trimester. That's why it's 82% within the first trimester. That's what they're saying. This is what I'm reading from actual doctors, including Jay Bhattacharya was talking about it online. So this is like not kooks that are talking about this, this issue that he knew that there was an issue with women having miscarriages and that motherfucker still promoted it. He still promoted it openly on television. It's very important. It's important that women get vaccinated. That's the most important thing. They were just selling vaccines, man. They were selling vaccines and killing people.

And why the fuck does an 80-year-old have a diary? Anyone find that strange? In a racecar bed with his feet up?

Today Jennifer Aniston said I was lovely. Weird. Julia Roberts called me a hero.

Yeah, who's he trying to remember?

He's gonna be fucking— bro, he's a crazy person.

I'm gonna look back at this.

That guy's a fucking legit crazy person. Yeah, did other people AZT in the 1980s when they had AIDS? AZT was a chemotherapy medication that they discontinued because he was killing people quicker than cancer, but it had already passed through all the FDA bullshit, right? So it already been a used drug. So once it's a used drug, you can use it for other things, off-label use. News. That's what they started doing. No, so that's what they started doing in the '80s, and they're just fucking killing people who didn't even have any symptoms. Arthur Ashe didn't even have any symptoms, and they just started giving him AZT, and he was dead in like 6 months. Oh yeah, I think that's the— didn't Baryshnikov— did he die from AIDS as well? Oh, from— oh, the dancer? Yes. Did he? He was a homosexual. Am I, am I making that up? Pull it up. Someone like that also died of AIDS that didn't have any symptoms but tested positive for HIV. And then the problem with the testing positive was they were doing the same shit that they were doing during the COVID epidemic, where 80%+ of all the COVID positives were false positives 'cause they were using the PCR method, which Kary Mullis, the guy who invented the PCR method, said it's not supposed to be ever used to detect an actual infection.

That's not what it's for. It's detecting particle— like whatever small amount elements depending on how many cycles you ramp it up. And if you ramp it up enough cycles, you could find almost anything. And that's what they were finding. There's 80+ false positives. Yeah. So how did he die? He's not dead. Oh great, it wasn't him. There was another guy who was a dancer.

Well, you gotta have Fauci on. Sorry, Michelle.

Oh yeah, definitely have him on. He'll plead the fifth to everything. Did you see that shit? What color is your tie? I respectfully plead the fifth.

He's got pardons. He's got pardons in his mouth.

But here's the thing. But the thing is, Biden did all those through Autopen, and Trump just recently made an announcement that all the Autopen— What's Autopen? Autopen is you use like a stamp, like a rubber stamp, instead of actually writing a signature, and they don't count. And this is what allegedly, supposedly, Trump is saying, that they don't count and he's making them all null and void. So that means, if that's the case, that means that Biden, who pardoned more people than anybody ever, by far, by like a giant jump, he pardoned Fauci for 10 years for things that he didn't do. Well, Trump can't void Biden's auto pardon because of auto pen. So this is, uh, very recent. He wasn't going to do it. Okay, but he did it. This is March 17th. 17th. So this is March 17th, 2025. I know, I saw it, but look it up recently because he did it on Truth Social. He talked about it on Truth Social. Unless it's fake. That's the other thing, it could be fake. I'm not a lot— look, I have done a very smart thing over the last 3 months where I'm— I almost never go on Twitter, and I, I go on Instagram, and my curation right now is nice.

It's all murders and science stuff.

Dude, I'll send you some dog videos.

We'll get really in there. I got dog videos.

Top 10 dogs of the week. We rate dogs. Awesome.

Everybody look it up. Fat asses. This is Trump says he respects Biden's Anthony Fauci pardon amid outcry over his own. So here's the thing about the auto pen. If I had a guess, if I had a guess, I— if, if you were starting to complain about Biden's pardons and then you overturned Biden's pardons at the end of this presidency, there's going to be a lot of people where the, the justice is going to be coming for them unless a Republican gets into office. If JD Vance or Marco Rubio wins in 2028, they're going to be okay. But if, if someone else, if the guy from Pennsylvania or whoever the fuck it is, or whatever it is— are they talking about Shapiro? Maybe, you know, he's one of the ones that they, they throw around. Shapiro? No, Josh Shapiro. There's a few people that they say could be the president. The other guys, the California—

they never try any of them for war crimes because they're They're like, I guess you guys will come back at me. Exactly. They all do it. Everyone in the government's doing that shit.

This government has done some shit that no government has ever done before. And one of them is the crypto stuff. The crypto stuff's nuts. What? Like, Trump has made billions in crypto.

Yeah, it's a bad look.

Government's so fucking crooked.

And then you got his sons, and his sons are involved in all these weird business deals where the business deals have to do with some things that Trump put— and then the sons are involved in these businesses. And like, there's a lot of money flowing around. Ground that you could dig in and, and start arresting people. So if he pardons a bunch of people and gives them the same kind of deal that he gave Fauci— Trump family would do that. Lakers sell Bob— Josh Kushner for— yeah, but that's his brother. That's Jared Kushner's brother. He's not still— but that's just a guy who has money. Dolly Parton.

I was at the White House 2 weeks ago.

He was at the White House. He gave Trump— yeah, so was I. So was Shane. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's the problem. Let's stop bringing up that stuff.

We were there together.

They asked me to go in the VIP room. I said no way. You didn't?

I went in there.

Fuck no, I knew those photos were gonna be taken. What was in the champagne room?

Me and Nate Bargatze were in there. I know. Chillin'.

I know. Look how that turned out.

It was fine. I stood outside in the rain. I was like, I'm not getting my picture taken.

I took zero heat for that event.

But you took a photo with Trump a couple years back. It was a funny photo. That was a great photo. It's pretty ridiculous.

You were wearing the Pablo Escobar shirt. That's pre a lot of things. That's true. That's pre a lot of things. Pre world record.

No, no, no, not me personally. I mean, also, I wrote him back then when I was taking that picture. I was like, this guy's gonna release the Epstein files, no more wars. Was it killing Americans?

Also still didn't vote for him.

Not a big deal. The Epstein files and then the Iran war.

I saw you go after the vice president. It was pretty good.

Well, I had to question him. Yeah, you know, I want to know like what he's saying.

I liked it because he was like, you were like, well, maybe they fucking went to war with Iran for this. And he's like, well, I mean, you're saying they wouldn't because of that. You're like, all right, put that aside.

Yeah, he slipped that like Mayweather.

Well, I had to have a— well, he did a good job of being respectful to the president. That's what you're supposed to do if you're the vice president. That's your job. Yeah, I mean, it really is your job. If you— you represent— it's a different thing just being a guy versus being a vice president. So he's in a position where I had, you know, I asked him a tough question. Do you think that Trump would have actually bombed Iran and started war with Iran if it wasn't for the influence of Israel? And he said, I really do. I go, I'm like, really? Really? You really think so? Why? What makes you think that?

We'll give you an honest answer either way.

And if you listen to Scott Horton, he, you know, Scott Horton is an awesome guy on all things war, anti-war. Here's a who. And his— That's what I was going with. He explained to me in great depth how difficult it is to turn enriched uranium into an actual nuclear bomb. And he's like, they were nowhere near. Able to do that. And Israel has wanted us to bomb Iran forever. They've been going to the UN with cartoon bombs saying they're at 62%, they're about to get to 80. They've been doing this forever, trying to convince the United States, and only Trump took the bait.

But didn't Hillary want to do it?

No, they just kept kicking it down the can. Iran was on that list for a long time, bro. They did do it though. They didn't do it though. Trump did. So they all thought about it and like, this is not the smart thing to do, and And they look, they fucking ruined Libya, right? They did a lot of weird shit that they shouldn't have done, but they didn't do that one.

Spread the Syria. Everybody tried Syria.

The Iran thing's a big one because it's like, okay, now what? Because now we are the Great Satan.

Now he's sneaking out in a fucking catering cart.

I heard the Iran thing was to get back at China.

How crazy was that? They snuck him out. I heard that too.

Yeah, the cart of the deal. They, they—

I saw you on Twitter.

Oh, you already tweeted that?

Yeah, you tweeted that, the motherfucker.

An hour ago. Solid, fresh in his mind. He's happy with it. Uh, but not only that, they snuck him out on another jet, and they— but they put the reporters on Air Force One. That's wild. Wonderful. That's wild, because if that thing blew up in the sky, that would be fucking wild.

I would love to see those reporters like, I find Trump's a pretty good guy. Is this free PJ? It's awesome.

Eating cheese. Wrong. Those cheese with the toothpicks.

Yeah, they're sitting there like, normally he comes out of that back room and makes fun one of us, by the way.

PJs are the greatest thing about being rich.

Quiet piggy comes down, calls one of us a fat bitch, and then goes back inside. Quiet piggy.

Quiet piggy was one of the greatest fucking things the president's ever said.

I heard one that it wasn't— ended up being real, but it made me laugh so hard when he told Elon Musk to go back to Africa. No, I never saw that. Turned out not to be real, but I'm like, damn, that's funny.

That's fun.

Him and Elon are close again, which is so so weird.

I think when you're on your second term, you're like, oh, fuck it, let's, let's, let's let it ride. Let's say anything.

I don't know, much money as he can.

And there's a lot of that.

But he's also— how old is he? Why? 84. What happened? 83, where you're like, I need to do all this because he's got to protect himself legally.

And so let's imagine he stays alive for the next 10 years. Just think about what they did to him with the Russia, Russia, Russia bullshit, and then with, uh, the real estate bullshit. Gave him real stuff. Well, here's the thing though, he needs a lot of real You need real money to fight that stuff. Like, the amount of money that he spent in legal fees for the first— the Manhattan real estate thing, or the Palm Beach real estate thing, the Mar-a-Lago— when they said the Mar-a-Lago is worth $18 million. Sure, right. Mar-a-Lago's worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Taxes on it? No, it's like they tried to get him for real estate fraud. They tried to get— that was that lady, what the fuck's her name, Letitia James. So there's— they're going after him using all these lawsuits that are frivolous. They don't make any sense. So by doing that and trying to bankrupt him, or at least trying to put him in jail, like, he realizes that, okay, I need a ton of money to protect myself.

Now he's actually doing things that are gonna get him in trouble.

Okay, so what's gonna get him in trouble? So here's the question. The thing about the crypto is it's shady as fuck, but it's legal. I don't know. Yep. I don't know if it should be. I don't know what the deal is. I mean, I don't understand crypto really I've had a bunch of people try to get me into crypto. Didn't Hawk Tua get in trouble for this? She did, but it wasn't her fault. Hawk Tua, that poor lady, she got roped into something in a pump and dump, and she's not sophisticated. Spit on it. She's a young lady, and I guarantee you by hearing her talking about spitting on cocks, she hasn't spent a lot of time in economics class.

Trickle down.

So she probably got talked into it by a bunch of slick people. Look, she's fucking like 21 years old. She was never famous at all. She has one little tiny video where she says she got a spit on that thing, and then everybody loves her, and she's trying to make money. And then someone comes along and says, hey, we're going to make this coin, it's, uh, it's totally legal.

Who do you think came along? I don't know, somebody came. I'm not into that.

Donald Trump reported more than 1.3 $4 billion in crypto-related income from 2025, the first year of his second term, according to his federal financial disclosure. That's a lot of money for a year.

Pump and dump on his own people. He did. So ridiculous.

Well, I don't know if he did. This is my question. Definitely did, dude. But here's my question. Trump Coin's not making— I understand, but this is my question. Who's really investing in Trump Coin? And is it— me and my dad. But is it in fact a way to pay someone? Let me, let me say this, cuz I don't know who's buying it. I'm just guessing. But let's just make up a fake scenario where I talked you into making a Gillis coin, okay? And I say, listen, dude, dude, dude, dude, listen to this. We're going to make a Gillis coin, and I am going to personally— cuz like you did something for me and I can't pay you because that's illegal for this thing. So what we're going to do is talk about it. Instead of you like hooking me up with deals and and making sure the regulations get killed and all this stuff. Instead, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put a billion dollars into this fucking Trump coin, or into this Gillis coin, excuse me, and then we're gonna have a bunch of other people throw a little bit of money in there, but the whole evaluation is gonna be very high.

So there's gonna be a few morons that are like gamblers that wanna get in and try to sell, which definitely people do.

I think that's what it is. I think it's influencers doing it.

There's a lot of that. There's a lot of gambling. Gamblers, but there's also— it's a sneaky way to pay somebody off, right?

If I invest the money—

if we make Shafir coin, we make Shafir coin, I tell you it's not in England.

So if I, if I tell you—

I can't even sell it in improv.

If I tell you, like, if somehow or another we did something shady and I owed you some money, and I'm like, look, I can't just give you money, but this is what we're going to do. We're going to start a coin, and then I am going to finance your coin. So I'm going to pour a bunch of money in your coin as an anonymous investor in an overseas account. I'm going to dump a shitload of money into this coin, and then we're gonna hype it up, we're gonna get a bunch of other people involved, and then we're gonna pull some money out of it for you, and then you sell. And then that's all—

I think that's all they're really doing right now. They get some influencer to go in, it raises up, and they sell off little bits at a time.

It's corrupt musical chairs. It's like, you know when you're gonna stop the music. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. What about the insider trading?

Well, there's that.

That's the other thing. I mean, uh, DeRosa was here yesterday. DeRosa was, uh, talking about how when he worked for the Senate and he was saying like these fucking people. Wait, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. DeRosa worked for the Senate. Joseph DeRosa. Yeah, he did. And he was involved in that. What did he do?

Get them all one extra shot?

What did he say, Jamie? He was involved in something in the media. Yeah, yeah.

Made him work at KFC.

Some media department, some part of it. But the point is he was saying, this is crazy. We see these people and they're getting like $150,000 a year, but that's a tiny percentage of what they're making. All these donations that they're getting, all these deals they're doing, and they're doing baseball to get around the salary cap or whatever.

Hey, Moneyball, they're just like, we'll give you a job. What?

I hate the Dodgers. I hate the Dodgers.

They're slipping, huh? No, you guys hate— well, they are losing right now.

That's what I'm saying.

They're just the best team ever and they bought all the players.

That Asian cat. Oh, Tommy, he's a top—

is he the best ever? Probably numbers-wise.

Eagle argue that, but last few years, yeah, he could be if he keeps doing what he's—

in the last few years he's been the best. Is he?

Wade Boggs, on, uh, he was fishing with his shirt off, fucking jacked. He's like 100 years old.

Yeah, he looks amazing.

He looks great and he beat cancer. Really? Cancer and his wife.

He won the World Series, he got on a police horse.

Well, when I was living in Boston, he was going through that whole cheating scandal. Handle. Like he had a little floozy on the side and it all went public. Look at him. But show the full picture though. There's a better version of that picture where you see his arms and everything as well.

There it is. Look at that, bro. He's living jacked. It's like The Expendables, bro. He's fucking bugged.

Yankee great.

He's Chuck Norris, right? Yankee great. Look how great he looks. He's— wow. First of all, look how lean he is. Fucking dude is in shape. It's like Kumail Nanjiani. He's got the appendix scar too. How much better would the world be if we got all those progressive dorks to get on the Camille Angiani diet? All of them. Hmm. All those dorks that are talking about their friends have trans friends. Like, stop. Your kids are 9. They don't have trans friends.

Give me a key. Could you hand me these?

You know, your 9-year-old kids don't have trans friends. Here, you need testosterone and start doing some deadlifts. And you'd be like, yeah, this is crazy.

Crazy. And now he's a Marvel. Kumail's a cool guy. I like him a lot.

He's a very nice guy. Very good. I've only had a few interactions with him, but they've been very nice. He's a very nice guy. And I like the fact that he got jacked. Jacked. Fuck you. A Marvel hero. Fuck you. This idea that you can't be funny, be jacked. Suck it. Suck it. Oh yeah. Shut your fucking dirty stinky hole. You know nothing. There's no rules. There's no fucking rules.

Cardigans on stage. You gotta cover up. Well, it's just distracting. It's funny, girls go the other way.

Girls are kicking your ass, but it doesn't work.

I remember we were walking—

who's kicking my ass? The new Rangers.

The new Rangers? Your drinks. Oh yeah, they are lit. They get me lit.

That's a good name for you, the Voodoo Ranger.

Uh, me and Fitzsimmons walked into, uh, the Comedy Store one night, and there was this lady on stage that had a short short leather miniskirt, high heels, great legs, big tits. Like, who's Tony's mom doing there? And she was on stage and she was talking, and I just— I just turned— when we walked in, I turned to him instantly. I go, what are the odds that she's funny? And he goes, one in a billion. I go, zero. There's 0%. There's no chance. There's not a chance in hell that this young lady who's that hot is funny.

It's not possible. I think Judy Gold's hilarious. Boy, imagine her in a skirt. Woo! See that labia hanging? Jesus. Sorry, cut that. Cut that. Sorry.

Yeah, good choice.

You didn't deserve that.

She'd be getting kicked out of bathrooms. They go, sir, get the fuck out of here.

Cut it, J-Mo. Time the note. Note the time. Cut it.

And we're back. We were joking, right?

Hey, cut it like Perez Hilton.

Oh, cut it again. We're back.

Tim, tell John thinks it's fake. What's that? I thought it was fake. He thinks some of the cuts are fake. He thinks he was like someone who's covered himself with paint or something.

That's exactly what I just said. You really think that?

Yeah, I watched it.

He knows the gays. Like rubbing a knife against him.

Pull it up. And there's no cuts when he does it.

I thought this— I thought the report said he was hospitalized with serious injuries.

And I thought there was drugs involved.

Brain damage.

Like ODing kind of stuff.

Probably. Well, he said I want the cops to shoot him. Feel like— listen, again, I didn't watch it, but I was listening to her. Tim's still— two, two—

the fucking studio anymore.

What, what, what the fuck did he just say? This is what we were talking about on the phone yesterday. That's why England lost. Mumbles and you're like, what are you talking about? I don't know what you just said. You have so much energy. You could translate.

You won't let me piss in the studio anymore.

Oh, there you go. You should move to, uh, the north.

That's right, in England. Yeah, you can piss anywhere. Piss in the corner. Yeah, piss in your own apartment on the floor. No one cares, man.

Wales. I got heckled by those guys. You don't know what the fuck they're saying.

The whole crowd laughs, you're like, damn, yeah, must have been a good one, right?

What's that, sir? Oh man, I did Glasgow though. Those heckles are wild.

I did Dublin and I did, um, I did Belfast back in the day. That Belfast was the craziest. Like, you don't understand a word they're saying.

Nothing. Don't say a word.

Scotland, I couldn't understand a word. I was, uh, drunk at a bar. I went to a bar and me and this one dude, I never— I just met this guy at a bar. We just started throwing down. And, uh, 4 or 5 drinks in, he's just like, I'll fight any man, fucking Chocolatelle, whoever it is. I'll fight any man. I'm like, I believe you.

I believe you. I love that he's not saying he's gonna win. He's just like, I'll fucking do it.

I'll fight any man. He wanted me to know. He wanted me to know that he— and I'm like, I believe you. Those are the best. Let's have another drink.

They are literally the best bros of all time. Yeah, they're fun.

Remember, I grew up with guys like that who— it was a good time. You were glad they were on your side because they were just totally insane.

I miss those days where I could just go to a bar and just, just pull up and just get lit.

It was fun. Oh yeah, you can't do that.

It's too hard. It's too, too many people come over, too many. Back then, so this is like 2007 or some shit, there's no cameras, there's no phones, nobody— there's no iPhone yet. Yeah, so it's like people were just hanging out.

Cameras have ruined young people.

Phones have ruined everything in terms of like people's connection with each other.

Oh, that too. 100%. Every—

spying on each other.

The old phones, that was as far as we should have went. A flip phone that you could text on, and the texting sucked.

And then we know it's bad and we still can't stop. Yeah, we can't stop.

It's got too much good shit on it. But I pulled back considerably, like I was saying, over the last 3 months. Just decided enough is enough. It's hard. I just decided enough is enough. I'm like, I don't like how I feel when I just scroll through doom.

You get off for an hour sometimes, you just like, what the fuck?

I know, you're bummed out.

I got to look, you know, I can't look at it anymore.

Like, I can't, because it's talking about you.

It's just negative. Yeah, all negative. Everything's negative. Hurts. So it's not like I'm like making a disciplined choice to be like, I don't want to look at this anymore. Like, I, I haven't looked at Reddit in forever, years. I can't look at Twitter anymore.

They'll show everything. They'll show you a picture of, of a nature, they go, well, not everyone can afford to get there.

And you're like, damn, God.

Yeah, but yeah, those faggots makes me feel bad. So it's like I can't even— like, I mean, of course I can, but like, I don't want to click on it anymore.

You don't want to live in their world. You don't want to be in their head, and they don't want to either. And the only way for them out is to not do that. And if they keep doing it and keep living in that fucking same swamp of ideas, they're never going to change.

But my dad, my dad just got on Instagram Reels, which is very fun.

What's he— what's he—

he's sending us fucking AI dog videos, like dogs driving cars. Oh no, it's great. And, uh, it's a nice thing for me and him. Like, I'll send him Instagram Reels of like, you know, Larry Bird highlights. Yeah, I sent him like some white safeties from the '90s, right? Fucking laying guys out, like John Lynch highlight videos. Steve Lark, speaking of J-Mo, toss up a little John Lynch highlight video for the boys, dude.

That's the best way. Fucking love it. It's the best way for guys to connect is like, here's a funny meme, here's a video, because we got Nothing to say.

Hey, I'm going to tell you guys something. We have to edit this out, okay? Because no one can know yet. Pause. No, no, no. Yes, by the way, I'm glad we didn't do that. Oh, we're back and we're back and we're back. I'm glad we didn't. We were talking about doing one with Hunter Biden, but now everybody's doing one with him. Tucker just did it, and then they did Chris Williamson, Duncan Trussell, Matt McCusker, and Biden.

They still— everyone get the idea?

Kind of did. They still are Protecto. Fucking Williams. They kind of did.

They're trying, they're trying. That limey. We wish you the best. Good luck.

Good luck. Oh, you didn't do it. Highlights.

Hey, look at that, Joe. You're gonna like this. John Lynch laying the hammer. Oh, pick. Let's go. 4-7. Boom. Let's go. Get the fuck out of here, pussy. What kind of—

you gotta shoot, you gotta do a season on the sidelines, like calling games.

You know what you should you know how I do a fight companion for fights? Yeah, you should do a game companion. Oh, it would be fucking giant.

I couldn't do Notre Dame. One of the characters was dead silent the entire game, right?

Okay, you see that guy?

What about NFL? Phillies game?

What about NFL? I could do the Eagles. I could, I could have a little more fun with you, dude. You know how fun that would be? You, McCusker, Jalen Hurts, football players. Jalen Hurts, get him in there. Get a football player in Oh yeah, but get Taylor. Get Taylor. Yeah. Or Will. Yeah, both of them together. That would blow up. How about that? You, McCusker, Taylor, and Will.

Let us use your studio. Do you know what I'm saying? Let's do it.

100%. Lock it in. There it is. 100%. Jamie's like, what the fuck?

J-Mo will be involved.

It would be a great idea. Sundays.

I wouldn't mind a football at all.

Occasional Thursday.

We could get a couple of Brewskis in here. Watch the—

Dude, a football companion would be sick with you guys.

That would just literally be sick.

1 o'clock.

You could totally use this place. It'll be 12 here, bro. That would be so sick.

And people would love it. You get like— Adam will come out with me on Sundays when I'm in Austin, and he doesn't drink. So like, we'll come out, we'll watch the 1 o'clock game, we'll get a—

I'll get a buzz going. He would relapse for that.

All right, 4 PM. We'll stay for the 4 PM.

Spike is relapsed for less.

I'm drinking for the 4 PM. They go, fuck it, we're already out here, we might as well stay for Sunday Night Football. There it is. I came for 3 hours. Me for 14 hours not drinking. That's crazy. I'm fucking devastated every Sunday.

Yeah, I think that would be a killer move. That wouldn't— listen, we've done Fight Companions that got way more views than the actual UFC itself, and I think that, like, football—

no, but that's what makes it good. Yeah, well, Matt's just funny as shit. That's funny. And he— you can ask him about football and he'll answer earnestly. He'll be like, who do you think is gonna win? I'll be like, Jets. It's a great idea. We would have to—

yeah, no, you do whatever you want.

Totally. It's a great idea. Try one. Yeah, definitely do it.

I couldn't do college football though.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. Too invested.

Gonna be going to a lot of UT games. We got to get you to a Texas game this year. Oh yeah, Texas. I've been to them. Texas, Ohio State.

Dude, I went to 3 last year. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Did it fun?

Your tailgate? They got a good tailgate here.

The nighttime nighttime games. Only nighttime games are funny. Night games, bro. Nighttime games are lit. They get crazy. They're fun.

Any live event is fun. Any sporting event.

Yeah, but there's something about Texas and football where it's like an institution.

Oh, I went to the LSU games in college and it was like the Coliseum. It was insane.

What do we got here? September 12th, 6:30, Ohio State versus Texas. That's the one. Let's go! That is, uh, only No, that's the weekend before. That's the weekend. There's— when's the UFC? There's a UFC in that 9/11 range. The Jets. Oh, it's the weekend after. It's the 18th and 19th. That's in LA. There's a UFC in LA. If you guys want to take over the Comedy Store for a weekend. Oh shit, what day? 18th and 19th. The 19th is the UFC. The 18th, September, take over on Friday.

Damn, what do you say, fellas?

We're taking over the world. Let's go! I know, but we still got to go see Kanye. That's the big— Kanye, September 4th. Does he have any other shows announced?

I'm not sure. The 3rd and 4th in Chicago.

Is he gonna let you sing a song like Zach Bryant?

I'm gonna stand on the top of the globe and do stand-up. Before he comes out, I'm gonna do one bit.

I got a question. What are the, the ancient Jews that had the box on the head? Not—

it's all around.

They still, they still wear the box. Okay, what's the box? It's got a GPS in there so you could plan out where the fucking beepers are.

Yeah, Jakarta is gonna be so— Jakarta, Almaty. Holy— where's that? Where's Almaty? What is that? New Orleans. New Orleans would be fun.

Wait, where's New Orleans? Where's New Orleans? What?

Yeah, when's New Orleans doing that shit?

Kazakhstan! Kazakhstan?! He just thought of it. It's funny. That's crazy. Let's go to Kazakhstan. Doing a stadium in Kazakhstan for 2 days. Hey, Superdome in New Orleans would be fun.

That's fun. Or we could just go to Jakarta and get killed.

Let's go to Jakarta September 4th. September 4th is the move or third— Third or fourth is the move if I still have it in me, boys. What are you talking about?

Dude, I don't even know if I can bong beer these days. America.

You got muscle memory kicking in. What changed? Just gay now. Do it for America. Fuck England.

America, fuck yeah!

Yeah, I still got it.

Chicago is only about—

doesn't go wet.

How many hours is Chicago from here by plane? 3? 2? Central. So we could conceivably do a podcast on that Thursday the 3rd and fly straight to Chicago. Took 2 weeks on the plane. Do a podcast on the plane. Nice.

Oh yeah, why not? Nice.

Are you cool with Kanye? We met. What?

When? In LA. In the— yeah. Will you please show up with the yarmulke?

Oh, get the box. Tell me about the box.

Yeah, what's going on with that box?

What's in the box?

It's got some prayers in there and a big deal.

It's got prayers, it's got some codes. No, really, what is actually in the box? Are you not allowed to tell the—

I think it's biblical scripture.

Yeah, it's scripture. It's like hero Israel.

The bigger the box, the more scripture you got in there, the more pious you are. No, no, no, that's what it is. You got a fat box, you know. Look at that guy.

Yeah, no, those cost like $15 grand, dude. That's tight, obviously.

You know what's weird? You ever seen those, uh, ancient Chinese sculptures that show a guy with a box on his head that looks looks like, like he's got a giant nose. Have you seen those? No. What?

No. Yeah, yeah. Jews visited China?

I believe so. Wow. Um, there's, uh, Chinese sculptures. We got there early to get our Chinese food. See if you can find those, Jamie. There's Chinese sculptures of dudes that have boxes in their head, and then people have looked at them and went, hey, look at that. Hey, no, that's not the one. No way. That's not what I was talking about, Jamie. I got the horn. There's some way better ones. What the hell is boxy? You're talking about there's other ones that look like way more normal.

Joe, I think you got hit with Jewish AI. Yeah.

Oh my God, that's so funny. I'm telling you, I saw one with the box on the head. The guy had the box. What's in the box?

But it's just prayers.

It's just prayers curled up. No, what a great idea.

What is it, foreskins?

How much would people mock the map to the lost world Christians if they carried a Bible on their head like a fucking chin strap?

Yeah, yeah, the Christian got some of that Pope hat.

It's nothing to sneeze at. Pope hat's nuts. The thing is, people have to wear a crazy wig wizard's costume to get you to convince that they're different than you, bro.

If you're just a dude, cool-ass outfit. Pope has cool—

if you go to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, that's cool outfits.

And he's got a car, and he's got a sick car.

He's got a mobile. This new guy doesn't use the Pope Mobile though. Yeah, this new guy is like the egalitarian Pope. He's like a different kind of Pope.

So he's sitting in storage.

He got rid of the throne, got a regular seat. Jay Leno's driving it.

Likes the Gaze. He likes the gaze.

Oh yeah, what an old lady hat. That's like Bishop Don Juan type shit. The drip's severe, dude. That's a weird one. Whoa, that shit's awesome, bro. Look at that hat.

That's crazy.

Wow. Hold on, the staff—

tough to drive with that.

Yeah, any other job— imagine if that guy was the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. Oh, you'd be like, why don't you dress like that? Any other job where you dress like that, people would think you're a fucking idiot.

Jesus didn't found—

that's when, uh, bottom right, bottom right, because he had to visit the Holy Land.

That's a big yam.

I don't think that's a real yamaka. I think that's like a pope cap. The boys always wear it. It's different.

It's cold in there.

Yeah, it's the same.

No, it's not. He's got a Sox hat on.

It's covering his whole—

oh yeah, he's a Chicago guy.

It's covering the whole head, bro. On the White Sox. Oh, look at that, White Sox.

They did Pope Night the other night and everybody got one of the pope hats. That's hilarious. And then they had a nice moment.

Tommy Pope hat. Tommy's like, for me?

Chicago. It is weird that we let them dress like that. I mean, this is fucking insane. They have to, but there's no other job where you're allowed to dress like that.

Yeah, look at that guy.

Yeah, that's nice, Tina. That's a crazy outfit.

Toss those out for the White Sox fans. Then they had a, uh, peace be with you with the entire crowd from the Catholics. Everybody shook each other's hands.

I love what they do. That's nice. Have me and Tony— uh, me and Duncan, rather— have we ever dressed like popes?

Duncan I did. That's sacrilegious.

We've dressed like priests, right? We did priests. Uh-oh. Every time we do a podcast, Duncan and I would wear different outfits. The most difficult was furries. You did a furry? Yeah, you wear the helmet and you're like, respect to the furries. Yeah, because this fucking thing is tough to wear. Let's see the furry. Yeah, we've been—

you just like Green Man?

Oh, we dress like everything. We dress like Tesla robots.

Holy— that was one.

Look at that.

We just like demons.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. If you go back to the catalog, that's great. That was Halloween with Elon. Me and Elon did a podcast and I dressed like that guy, the Joe Rogan guy. I would have thought that was me if I didn't know that was me.

That's my favorite one because I think that's the one you guys were being quoted on CNN by saying something with a bunch of candles. No, no, no, no, no.

Serious podcast. Quoted on CNN. We were literally dressed like clowns. We're actually clowns. When they cut to you after they set it up, I was like, guys, what's the black—

is that an ICE agent? What is that black, uh, the black— no, that's a Tesla robot.

What? We dress like a Tesla robot.

Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, we, we— I bought those online. Shout out to Amazon. We've been elves. That was one to the left of that. See Duncan dressed like an elf to the left of that? He's cute. Oh yeah, that one we wore, um, plague masks. Jesus, that's fun.

We've done everything. Wait, let me see that. Played—

Duncan wore a ghillie suit once. How about the one where it's me with the eyeballs lit? That was— what is that? Sick. That's terrifying. Yeah, that was a Halloween episode. That's it.

You would win Halloween. You could go out that anonymously.

Not now anymore, but they're pretty sick. But we, again, we couldn't keep those on for very long, dude. We went—

me and Sal went one year on Halloween to the New York parade, like 15 of us dressed in the same Batman outfit. And then every time we saw a Joker, we'd all surround them and start like chest bumping them. It was so sick. We just kept going to people like, where is she?

It was so much fun. So fun to be a dude. Yeah.

And the work— the belt works. We put liquor bottle, like airplane bottles in there.

Utility belt. Yeah.

DeStefano's with us at some point. We had to rip up the bottom so we could piss through it on the street. He's not a way to get— he's a one-piece. Yeah, it was so great.

And you feel his— there, because you have no identity. Except for the beards. Well, that's what the furries like.

They like hiding. Yeah, hiding who they are. They don't like who they are, so they could just be free. It's fun. I get it. I get it. Wearing that mask for a little bit though, I genuinely— both Duncan and I both gained respect for the furries.

Yeah, but then they shoot the president.

Nah, I don't know.

Wasn't that guy a furry?

No, he loved a furry.

Oh, he loved a furry.

So yeah, but I'm not even sure if that's true. True. The more, the more time goes on, the more I'm leaning towards Candace Owens. What?

Wait, whoa.

She's got some very interesting theories about it. Look at that. Hey.

Yeah, DeRosa was there. We were getting hammered.

Those belts, look at, they got the J-Mo bottle.

Yeah, I see the liquor.

That's great. That's funny.

That's great. I don't think any story that you hear in the news is accurate. I think there's always—

None. Or spin on it at least.

There's always some spin. But the public believes it. So whatever the spin is, whatever the spin is about Tyler Robinson, there's some bullshit to it. I don't know how much of— how much of his bullshit, but there's some bullshit. And one of the more recent bullshit is they found a photo that they were saying was Tyler Robinson, but then people noticed that the— because he's real thin, people noticed that the cars in the background, the proportions were distorted. And then they realized that what they had done was taken a guy who's like much wider than Tyler Robinson and shrunken the perspective. Really? Yep, yep. And then when you see him for what he really looks like, like, oh, there's no way that's that guy. That guy's big.

And then you're like, well, it's mostly true. Like, no, no, no, no.

They changed. Like, you look at the hood of the cars behind them. They're all like that now.

Who is that guy? What guy? Tyler Robinson. He was the guy who supposedly shot Charlie Kirk.

Kirk. Yeah. Not the president.

I was in Guatemala when I heard about that. Were you really? Yeah. I was in a bar. I just hear about weed. Some guys like, what do you think about Charlie Kirk? I'm like, I like his college videos were cool to begin with. Yeah. And they were like, he's dead. I'm like, what?

No, he going to show it. The thing about that guy is—

furry show attorney Kirk.

What?

What'd you just say? Erica Kirk sucks. She's a—

it's funny. She loves sparklers.

Yeah, she does. Wasn't funny enough. I was like, yeah, fuck. All right, you ever see Drewski's, uh, America Kirk?

Yeah, I jerked off. I thought people were threatening him.

They gonna were sue him for that?

I don't know, it's funny.

It's just the best thing that ever happened to him when he came out. He starts doing cartwheels and shit with whiteface on.

He's killing it, that guy. Every video kills it. When he goes to NASCAR, unbelievable.

Funny dude, funny dude. People that got upset with that, shut up. I know. You don't think it's weird the lady comes out, the sparklers behind her? You're out of your fucking mind. That's insane. You don't think someone can make fun of that?

She walks out like fucking Randy Orton.

Undertaker.

The Queen wore black for 80 years.

Crazy. In interviews, she dresses like, like SEAL Team Six. She's all blacked out with like a black hat and everything. Serious, bro. She's serious.

She's very fucking cool.

She's serious. There's a lot of controversy in the Navy SEAL community as to who actually killed bin Laden. Bin Laden. I've been down a rabbit hole this week. It's not O'Neill. O'Neill says he did it. A lot of the guys that were connected to people that were on that mission say he was one of the people that shot Bin Laden, but he probably shot a guy who was already dead. I don't know if that's true.

I got his poster in my room.

I'm sure they all put one in them. I may as well. Look, if you were on the team and I had already shot him, you would run and shoot him too.

Fuck yeah, we all shot him.

And then I would say, yeah, we got him. We all shot together. I'd let you in on it. I'll let you get a little credit. You know what's cool?

I watched the doc about bin Laden and they found out it was him from his shadow. They measured his shadow because they knew he was 6'5". So they measured the shadow, that's— they knew it was him.

I heard they knew where he was a long time before they attacked. Well, I heard they knew. No, no, no, no, from people, from the inside people. I knew they kind of— they knew when to do it and they had a decision, a strategic decision to want to take him out.

I like it. Not full invasion, just You got like 6 fucking badass guys in there.

I feel really naked without these sunglasses. He was throwing his kids in front of the firepower too.

Crazy. Bin Laden throwing his wife and throwing women in front of him. Well, that's true. And they just shot them all. Yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah.

That's what I'd say if I shot a bunch of women and children. Fucking guy threw those kids.

Placed them there. Fucking threw his kid at us. He's coming right at us.

No, that was, uh, Baghdad did that. Yeah. He grabbed 2 kids. Kids and ran into a tunnel and then blew himself up. Oh really?

Oh God. Oh my God. Oh, they were— they were D students.

War is so crazy. Crazy. Good thing we're not in one of those.

When is that gonna end? When are we gonna stop doing that?

Take some profit out of it maybe. Uh, Trump—

hey, Trump posted today about the Strait of Hormuz is now owned by the United States.

I'm not being anti-Semitic. I'm not being hit this, man.

You said it. Trump posted today that the United States controls the Strait of Hormuz.

Yeah, he tweets that every fucking 2 days.

Oh, you got to be like, guys, what he's tweeting is just distracting you.

There's a deal. We have a deal.

Yeah, but we all know this.

We're close to a deal. Do it. You imagine if you were a guy who had a coin, you had Gillis coin, and every time you tweeted wild shit, Gillis coin just went up?

Oh yeah. You know what I mean?

Isn't he selling his, uh, Truth Social? Tweets to people and then they can bet on it.

What? I think, yeah, he's selling access.

He's selling faster access to his tweets and then you can bet on it. Bet on what? It's true to the markets.

Because wait a minute, it's literally insider trading.

It's cashy.

You can bet on everything. You can fix—

wait a minute, is that real? You get access to a tweet before he makes it and then you could bet on that tweet? How's that legal? Wait a minute, what is this? Trump sued over Truth Social advance access sale.

I'm online in the Oval Office.

Who's telling him this is a good idea?

I feel like I need to be closer.

$100,000 contracts.

Yeah, it's $100 grand. You can get his— yeah.

Oh hey, you know how crazy that is? $100,000 to get early tweets. That's literally crazy.

So much when he tweets.

Like, Truth Social's parent company, Trump Media, announced in July it would for subscribers to Truth API who paid up to $100,000 each month. Oh my God, not even just $100,000 a year, each Patreon month. He's rigging it for early access to market-moving posts from Trump and other people who use the platform. Market move. You imagine you charge $1.2 million a year? He's just on a grab.

Oh yeah. And to get that, it's just people who are like, but who profit off that?

I just want to be in the meeting where they go, I got an idea, and everyone will see each other.

Should we tell them?

No, they go, look, everybody, fuck it.

I bet it wasn't even Trump. It was probably some weasel who works in the administration. He's like, uh, charge him $100 grand a month and you post things and they can move the market.

Yikes. Just another form of the same shit.

Here's the thing, is it legal? Because it is available, but someone else wants to sign up for it. Legal? It doesn't seem like it should be.

Obviously he operates in legal fucking And great.

Yeah, but this is the thing about the Trump coin. It's not illegal. Like, coins are not illegal.

What's her name was like, my husband's the best thing on earth.

It's gay. This is all gay. Yeah, you know, enough. It's not good if you're already wealthy.

I've had enough.

I'm, I'm a— if you're already wealthy and you try making money, I'm sick of it. If you're already wealthy and you try making money— is that a Tony Hinchcliffe?

No, that's just me being gay.

Oh no, it does sound like unbelievable.

Unbelievable. But if you— I think anybody could start a coin. I mean, we— yeah, we were talking about the fucking Hok Tua coin. We got hit up by like a bunch of different people, and people tried to get me to add— to do ads for coins.

I'm like, hey, I'm still looking for actual coins.

So here's a crazy one. Here's the crazy one that went— I can talk about it now because it went away. Yeah, but there was a point in time where I was doing interviews with fighters after their fights, and they said, I want to thank Marshall Rogan coin. And the coin was my dog's face. Wow. And it was like, it was literally like almost like my logo. It said Marshall Rogan coin, and it was Marshall, my dog. And I would interview these guys, and I was like, okay, if I call attention to this, like, what should I do here? My job when I'm interviewing fighters is just to interview fighters. I just— it's their big moment. They fucking worked their ass off to get here. They want to fight fight. I don't want to inject myself in any way if it's not necessary.

Like, what the fuck's that? Also, you're like, what?

Yeah, because like, but a bunch of guys were like, I want to thank Marshall Rogan Coin. The UFC got hip to it and they put a kibosh on it. But I don't know what these guys were doing, but I assume what they were doing was a pump and dump and they were paying the fighters. So they— I don't know if it was pump and dump, maybe it was legitimate. But the point is the fighters were legitimately getting paid because every time they would win, they would talk about Marshall Rogan Coin and And assumedly some people that were interested in crypto would buy it.

That's no bueno.

Had nothing to do with me. And me, here I am interviewing these guys going, this is a weird position to be in. Like, I don't want to say anything, but eventually the UFC is, you have anything to do with that?

I would know, cuz you're standing there, so it seems like you're part of it.

100%. Yeah, but also I don't want to fuck up this guy's moment and say, hey, I got nothing to do with Marshall Rogan coin. I don't give a fuck. This guy just want to fight. Yeah, I'm going on, let everybody else figure it out. But it was the weirdest thing in the world. Like, my dog, they'll do anything. Coin, you know? Yeah. And I'm sure a lot of people probably thought I was involved. I had no idea it even happened until someone said Marshall Rogan coin while I was interviewing him. Like, what?

I mean, I wonder what the fuck that was back—

I found out in the octagon while I'm holding a microphone in front of a fighter's face after he won. Yeah, Marshall Rogan coin. I'm I was like, what the fuck are you just saying? My dog? Oh boy. Poor dog. My dog's got fucking glasses on. He's making his own coin. Everybody's asleep. He's on the laptop. Yeah. He's on the phone with Cotter.

Fucking try to get some fucking money.

That's the best fucking shit my dad sends. Right. Fucking Instagram reel of a raccoon driving a car and I'll be like, go to bed, dude. 12:30. That's adorable, bro.

Raccoons might be the cutest fucking animals of all time.

The raccoon coin.

That was a big coin. Was it?

I'm done with these coins.

I don't want to talk about them.

I was coming home the other day.

I want to talk about my dad using Instagram Reels. He's moved on. The second the Phillies game ends, he's on the Instagram Reels. Lights off in the house on a recliner by himself looking at it.

Well, they're endless.

My mom was on vacation for like 2 weeks. My dad got fucking wrecked for 2 weeks. The second she leaves the house, He's calling me, he's like, I just want you to know you're a good guy. I'll be like, I love you, Dad. He'll be like, yeah, all right.

Oh, that's so funny.

That's great. Yeah, he sits in the dark and looks at reels. I'm like, what are you doing right now?

He's like, I'm going to bed, bro.

If you're an old dude and you've never experienced that, you went from just no internet at all, zero internet ever, jump right into Instagram.

Yeah, like right to heroin.

Years. Loop me in with him and I'll send him all the shit that Tom Segura sends me. No, no, don't send him.

Oh, that's just dark. No, that's the gorilla. I don't want—

don't do that to Phil. I said we need to send nice stuff.

I sent Segura some fucking rough ones today. Woo, I got him today. Every now and then he gets me, but I got him today. I got him with two brutal murders.

Ah, you got him divorced.

Oh yeah, yeah, gotta send him divorce dude murder pictures because he's thinking about that money he's gonna lose.

By the way, AOC's single, Tom. You better get on that. I heard about that.

That'd be a fun couple.

Yeah, do you like She's, uh, she's single and freezing her eggs. Oh really?

He's already got 2 kids.

Yeah, she made a video of her freezing her eggs. Not getting in there with a needle and plugging.

Whoa, she made a video of it.

I don't understand how any of that works either. I don't get it.

Yeah, I don't get it.

You see what the, uh, South Korean football team did? They have a football team?

Soccer. Yeah, you're such a bitch. You really do suck. They got all that.

They got— they got a ball to us, dude. Again. Do it. You son of a bitch. You see what the South Koreans—

you've lived here for years.

See what I did there? I learned, I learned, and I moved on.

God, you're 89 years old. You're 89 years old.

By the way, soccer's a British term. Um, they got— they got all the refs laid. All the refs there? Yeah, sexual services. Oh, good for them. They get them all laid so they'll like root— they'll root for the South Korean team.

That's brilliant. It's not cheating.

Alleged it spent thousands of dollars on sexual services for foreign referees. That's it? That's a steal. Thousands of dollars is a fucking bargain. Think about how much Korea— how much DraftKings money is in these games. South Korea seems like the shit.

It's so fun over there.

They made taekwondo, Samsung phones, Squid Game, Parasite. Oh, Squid Game's awesome.

Parasite was great. Yeah, having fun.

K-pop. Yeah, yeah.

However, they're not going to reproduce reproduce. That's true. They're in a real, real situation. They're in a pickle. They're in one of the worst situations in terms of nationally, in terms of, right, reproducing. Well, because they're just busy, right? They're like an insane— insane— like, I grew up around Koreans.

Yeah, no, the Korean women are not into the dudes.

Well, it's not even just that. The work ethic over there is fucking insane. Really? Yeah, I grew up with Koreans because I was doing taekwondo. When I was a kid, so I was around Koreans all the time. Like, you've never seen work ethic like Korean people.

They're the only ones that outdo us.

It's the reason why I feel lazy to this day. I was training with this kid who was going to medical school. He was going through his residency while he was on the national taekwondo team. So he won the US Nationals. He was competing internationally while he's going through his medical residency. Damn. Jesus. Didn't even fucking do— he would just The dude slept like an hour a night. It was crazy. He would— some of his training, he would put his books, all the books that he needed to read, he put them in a backpack and just run the stairs at the university and then go back to the library. Damn. Oh yeah, I've never— he always looked tired. He's like, he always looked like this. He always looked exhausted. Well, that's just how they look. Fucking ferocious. This guy couldn't even open his fucking eyes, he was so tired. But they worked It's so hard, man. And their parents force them. Like, they don't have any way out. There's no like, man, take a year off and find yourself. Fuck that. There's none of that. That tiger mom shit, that's real.

And they do the eye surgery over there.

It's a little appropriated.

They want to go round eye.

They do a lot of that. Who was that music guy? Was he from South Korea? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's his name? Ty. Oh, that shit's amazing.

Psy. Psy. Psy.

Talk about him pumping you up. Gangnam Style.

Gangnam Style. Yeah, that guy's a good shot.

That's fun. I love that. We got Koreans. Hailed it. John Lynch, Raccoons.

A comedian could never do that. When he's in that enormous crowd and he comes flying out of the floor, that rules, dude. Rules.

We don't have to play the music, but we got to see that stage jump.

Dude, it's so funny. We used to go to UFCs in Vegas and you check into MGM, you're like, why are there 1,000 Koreans here?

And there'd be some K-pop band that you never heard of filling up the stage.

Oh, they kill it. So you're saying they're too busy? Here we go, here he comes. Look at this guy, he was fucking. Oh yeah, oh yeah, 100%, he fucked everybody.

Just like a band leader. Whoa, look at them go crazy!

Come on, look at them go crazy!

Wow, I mean, this is worse— this is better than turnstile.

Wow, it's like a Serbian basketball game. This is wild.

Yeah, I mean, they're pretty good.

That's how it rules.

Yeah, look at the fucking air this guy catches. Look at the air he catches. Look at that.

He's dressed like a Dallas cheerleader.

He is from the '80s. He's got the fringe like Outlaw Josie Wales.

I want to go on the way here. Yeah, they rule. Generator though. I'm more of an old, old dude style guy.

What, Jamie? They're over here trying to talk, trying to be cool.

I caught him trying to be cool.

I— you call me being cool.

No, no, you said football when you really meant soccer. That's gay as fuck.

That was gay.

It's a newer band. That's, uh, it's not new.

Well, what is Turnstile? It's new. Explain to me, please, Jamie.

They're all rules.

Hardcore band, kind of, you know. Oh, nice. Is it cumcore? Boys, did you find any cumcore? I stumbled down cum metal.

No, no, play the live show.

Don't play videos. Play a live show. Well, I thought this had live. What am I looking at? What do you think now? I don't understand what I'm seeing.

Oh nice, kids are in bands again. Guys, this is—

let me hear this. Oh, this is great.

This is 12 years old. World is healing. Oh, it's a year old. I thought this was like yesterday.

The world is healing.

Kids are doing band. Rock is back.

They're from, uh, they're from Baltimore.

Nice. Yeah, Baltimore.

They say, uh, I think the weird thing is how rap has fallen off the charts because Drizzy Drake was gone. No, it's because USAID got defunded.

Uh, maybe that's a lot of people. No, but Drake was—

USAID got defunded, that dropped rap.

We're back on USAID. The Agency for International Development is well known to have been funding about a bunch of radical anti-government rappers overseas, funding a ton of them, like a ton of— it was basically all about regime change. That was a big part of what USAID was about. And the thought is that USAID had some— look, Mike Benz, his, he's a famous quote, the USAID was there for things that were too dirty for the CIA. What are you doing?

No, Joe, the reason rap was gone is because Drake was gone. Where did he go?

Poppy's home. No, USAID didn't fund rap music despite what this viral right-wing theory claims. Yeah, but this is Yahoo News, and that's owned by Ari's family.

Joe, can I say one more thing? Yeah.

USA did a lot of good stuff.

You've gotten so big that all of your opinions will be debunked. Yeah. Yes. Your opinions, when you say something, when you go, this is what happened, right? Literally the first article will come up and instead of naming you, it'll be like, that's wrong. Despite these crazy claims, it's literally your claims. Well, if you Google something, it's directly against you.

But this one is not mine. I read this online, and I read this from people like— one of them was Mike Benz, and Mike Benz is very credible and was talking about it. So it's not—

it's not my idea at all. Isn't he a CIA disinformation agent?

Is that what you think? Oh, I guess you got going on. I call him on FaceTime right now. We'll find out. No, we're in the middle of Protect Our Parks.

Yeah, can you help me? There's a lot of— I believe the 5th. Give me that puppy.

A lot of what he's saying is not pro-CIA at all.

That's because that's what they want, brother. There's no way the CIA would let a CIA agent fucking talk shit. That's true.

Freaking me out, man.

They want to give us bad info. They love disinformation.

CIA, they invented— goddamn it. Slippery group. They did the acid things. Oh yeah, they did.

That must have been fun. Imagine watching people try to get laid, you know, they're on an acid Cuban hip-hop. Whoa. Yeah, failed attempt to infiltrate Cuban hip-hop. Yeah, but they try.

That makes sense. They're getting—

it says failed.

Yeah, but it makes perfect sense. They're getting other countries like cultural revolutions. They always try to make other governments unstable. What a better way than good music? Yeah, smart people like, and that's, that's what they did. But no, the reason reason hip-hop's down right now in the United States is sweet Drizzy Drake was gone. Now Poppy's home. Check the charts again. Iceman's back. Iceman's back, Daddy.

I mean, after all that— I'm a '90s hip-hop head. I— there's so much great '90s hip-hop that it's hard for me to escape that era.

And it got too, too autotune-y.

Well, I don't mind some of the new stuff, but it's like, I like old school Nas. That's what I'm into.

Cool G rap.

Uh-oh, are you okay?

Are you having a heart attack?

Ever since you moved to UK, became a pussy. He wants warm beer. Yeah, they drink warm beer.

Nice warm beer on a hot day. Oh, it goes down terrible.

How about some peas for breakfast? Did they really have warm beer over there?

Is that real? The Taylors, bro, you get a fucking Luke.

Oh yeah, they get all British. Okay, but can you order it cool cold if want.

No, where they put on ice. You can ask for ice.

No, but the beer is cold there.

Guinness is cold.

Timothy Taylor's cold. Regular beer.

What is Timothy Taylor's?

It's like a local— England doesn't have good local beers. They're not really— oh, they're not—

all these shit in an apartment now. You can't even—

their shit is like—

you might get arrested at the airport.

All their shit's from Ireland, from other places. They have the fucking Spanish beer.

Ireland kills us. Belgian beer.

They don't have locals unless it's like at your pub.

Call me crazy, but everybody goes, the Guinness over there, it's so different. I didn't notice it. It felt very similar.

How could it be different?

That's what they say. It's different here. We got better pipes and barrels. Drake's back on the chart, but so is Thriller. Thriller's the movie. It didn't just come out.

Movie, not the doc. Damn, Stick Season is still in the top 10.

That's crazy. Morgan Wallen never leaves there. Look at this.

Yeah, Morgan Wallen balling out of control.

He's got 2 in the top 10.

Ariana Grande, she's a real skinny lady.

Morgan Wallen's legit, I love his music.

Yep, goddamn country.

Let me see what else is in the top 10. What is in the top 10 of— what is it? That's the top 200. What is it? Billboard. Is it albums or songs? Songs. So what is 3? Which Drake song was it? Olivia Rodrigo, she's huge. Ella Langley, she's fucking gigantic. No, come on. Noah Kahn, like, that Stick Season's been around for years, man. That's been on my Spotify playlist for a long fucking time.

Okay, this is albums. You like Noah?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went to see him with the lady at, uh, Stick Season's a great City Field. How was it? I did shrooms to get through it, but, uh, well, it's not my cup of jizz, but, uh, it was her birthday. I took her there.

You got to be in the mood for it. I like to mix it up.

I was the one going to a lady concert. Hey, hon, like, yeah, concert the girl wants to take you to. Yeah, like, you just want to fuck this guy, and then midway through you go, I want to fuck this. Yeah, I had a girl take me to a fucking, uh, what's his name, Betsy Boone, that kind of guy. But that, yeah, something like that.

You go, holy shit, this show rocks! He's a cute twink, that guy. You know what I got coming on soon? Rick Springs Springfield. Nice. Have you seen Rick Springfield perform recently? Okay, they're eating the dogs. 74, maybe 75, maybe. Looks fucking insane. Pull them up. Shirtless, singing Jesse's Girl. Find the video. That's a hunk. Find the video. You probably still— what? No, no, find the video. Fuck all this. Buckley, go right to the video. So the video of him— there's a video that somebody captured on of him on stage. Never was like, what the fuck, is this real? Is this AI? Guy. He's in his 70s, he's shirtless, he's fucking ripped, and he's singing like he just wrote the song last week. Like full enthusiasm. He's not Barry Manilow in it with a rubber face. Like he's, he's, you know, he's really going all in. Look at this. Give me some volume. No way. Wow. Listen to this. Give me some headphones, Shane.

How old is he?

Guy's 70, he's got a rubber face. 36.

No leather pants. Wait, how old is this guy, bro?

He's 75 years old. No chance. How old is he? 100% chance.

Listen, 76. He's a 76.

He's in his fucking 70s. What? No fucking way.

Damn, this is—

and look at the energy he has. No, dude, this is really recent. No way. Yes, it's crazy. Look, the guy kept up. He kept up.

You can do it. What's he doing? When I was a kid, listen to me, boys.

Yesterday I turned 59 years old. Oh yeah, happy birthday. I'm old as fuck. That guy's young. Yeah, you can still do it. This is a different world we're living in. One of those Bud Lights. If you stay on top of your health, you could do wild shit deep into the time where you're supposed to be falling apart.

Well, that biohack guy, whatever that guy is, John Will— I got— he's falling apart. He's falling apart.

Brian Johnson. Yeah, well, they're doing fucking weird drugs and shit.

Oh yeah. Well, he's also vegan. He's doing like blood transfusions.

Stop, stop, stop with your fucking legumes.

Stop, stop, stop with your beans of protein.

Come eat with me.

Come eat with me. Let's eat meat.

That was him in '85. Jeez. That's better now.

Wow, bro. That dude's more better.

There's got to be other camera angles.

That camera angle Must be.

No, it's legit.

That didn't even look—

that was looking at fans.

Pull up his dating history. I got to know what old—

give me some music so I can do it to something other than America. Fuck yeah, let's go.

What's this? We can't afford this. Jamie, give him some ice, man.

Give him some ice, man.

How long ago was this? I don't know, dude. A month? It says 4 weeks.

4 weeks, bro.

The dude's in his 70s. But it's the enthusiasm. It's the enthusiasm. He's not half-assing this at all.

Pan to the wheelchairs in the crowd.

Of course. I love you guys. I love you guys to death. I'm so happy we're here. Yeah, look at that, Voodoo Ranger.

Where's the ice cream?

I had too much going on. Where's the ice cream?

Guys, I will tell you, I've been incredibly lonely in London. This is— I needed this. You need to move back here.

Will you fucking move here?

You're hurting yourself doing this. You were in the jungle for a year, you psycho.

Free rent for a year.

Come on, too early.

I'll show you the place while we're here, while we're in town. All right, what are you doing tomorrow? I'll show you the place.

Let's see the place. Come on, man, free rent for a year.

Free rent, you landlord. It's got a gym, a nice place, got a spa. Oh, that's a Drake video. Oh, the video. Are you in an official Drake video? Yeah. No way.

Oh, I thought that was Derek Chauvin.

That's so sick.

I am, I am. That's cute, kid.

That's so sick. When did you do this?

Uh, 2 months ago. A couple.

Yeah, I forget. Spilled the beans on that one, fatty. Oh, that's okay. That was bad. I felt horrible. We went and edited it. It was bad. No, I appreciate that.

Come on, zero chance. I just did all this work. Come on, pussy. I will fucking kidnap you, bitch. Your girls made me see it.

I wasn't gonna get me one. America.

Your girl's making you stay.

Nobody's like, oh dude, I just got my visa. 5-year visa.

I just got my visa. So funny. Oh, well, you have to stay for 5 years in a place that sucks. You're not in jail, bitch. Just having a visa doesn't mean you're in jail.

I'll get an apartment.

I'll be fine. Just come back.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

I just started. What? Just keep it up there once. What could happen that would entice you? What would be the scenario where you'd go, oh, I have to move to Austin? Let's come up with something.

Okay, I got one. I got one. I got one. I would come back if— here we go— I get a free apartment somewhere. Oh, keep it. No, I'm joking. I'm not. I'm staying there, dude. I'm having a good time.

It has to be something.

What are you doing? The food sucks. The weather sucks. Food's amazing.

Food's actually great. The food's great. The weather's great.

Yeah, the food's It's been awesome. Some of the best Indian food I've ever had in my life. Oh my God, it's phenomenal. All right, all right. India has some phenomenal—

they roll it up early over there. I did a show out there for like a month and you can't get food after like 9. Ends early.

They do end early because they all day drink. All right, they all start at 6.

Yeah, what's the scenario?

I day drink. I like, I like late night food. Dude, I love your enthusiasm.

You got that right. Back a lot.

Honestly, this is the only thing getting me back.

Come on, let's do it once a month. You're on it. What would be the scenario?

You look terrible.

You look bad. You look terrible.

I have had a rough— you look sad.

I've had a rough— before you look like a homeless guy. I think your wife hates it.

I've had a rough—

your wife hates it. She hates it, right?

She hates it. Come on, America, come back here. Your wife needs a cowboy hat.

All right, you look good, by the way. I bet she likes it more.

It's all the loggers. I saw you, I was like, you look good.

I know I need to lose at least The Stone. Why?

No, you son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!

Oh, he's got to go to the loo.

There's no reason to be over there.

The World Cup run was so fun. They made an executive order to keep pubs open late so we could party later.

All right, how about this?

We do that every night.

We're left at 5 AM. I got a compromise.

I got a compromise. Mexico game ruled.

I got a compromise. Fun. Yeah, how about I fly you out? That was a good game. Every 2 months, every 2 months, come do the club, hang out, have a good time. Free. You just come. That's possible. Come on, Jewface.

What do you mean?

And if you want to, we have a condo. He's doing something incredibly nice. Say yes. We also have a condo at the club. Condo no one's using during the week. The club's amazing. It's pretty dope. We have a sick condo, so you could use that during the week and your girl would be happy.

I gotta say, she's sleeping in a barn right now. Every couple months you have a free vacation to Boston.

Oh, this is an intervention, dude. You're a fucking idiot, right? I'm boarding. You just can hang out and you can wait till January.

Wait till January. Let me set my— I am trying to stamp my American flag on England soil.

They don't want it. They're pushing you out there.

Look, Hicks already did it. Leary already did it. Let it go. Patrice. Yeah, Patrice did it. I forgot Patrice did it.

How'd they turn out?

Great. Yeah, Patrice died with Snickers.

Yeah, wait, what'd you say?

Patrice died with Snickers.

Oh, oh, I heard something else.

You don't need it.

Um, no, it's, it's gonna be— you need to be around comics.

Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.

Good for you.

I actually genuinely do support it. Yeah, I really— I don't like you enough to be like, I hope he comes back. It's fun. I get— I like to see you. I get pushback from crowds.

It's actually like really good.

Good for me. What are you doing? And this way you get to see good and suck, good and suck, and you keep living in the suck, and then eventually you're like, what am I doing? I'm 58 years old. You know, when you go back and move—

Shane moved here, he goes, I think I moved to Austin. I was like, dude, it's April, you gotta wait till July. Yeah, you didn't wait. If you, if you have this conversation December, you might get me.

Listen, pussy, just getting the sun every day, it doesn't mean shit. I, I was outside in the shooting arrows for 2 hours today. I don't feel a thing. I don't give a fuck. It's 100 degrees. Who cares? Drink water.

It doesn't mean anything. It's pretty hot everywhere here. Just get in the sun. I'm in New York now too. It's hot as fuck.

This is humid. He's multi-city. Do you understand this? You can be multi-city. It hasn't rained once in 2 months. You can be multi-city for free.

Let's have more of these.

I'm giving you an opportunity to be multi-city for free.

Dude, I gotta get set there.

I want to say something to these people.

I want to say something.

I'm gonna tell you how to live your life.

Shut the fuck up. I got a vasectomy and a dog.

Shut the fuck up. I don't have anything to say.

The fuck has something to say?

How the fuck do you have something to say? I don't have anything to say.

I have the number one podcast in the world.

I don't have a thing to say. I don't have shit to say to people. It just happens.

You got a lot to say. It happens.

But I don't ever say I have something to say.

What do you want to tell the people of England? America's way better than you. Oh, well, they come back.

They already know.

Come back now. They already know.

You gotta put it in their face.

You're Shafir Starmer.

You bombed Gaza. Free Palestine.

You need to go on stage every night with a Free Palestine t-shirt.

It is funny when I go there because there's a lot of Free Palestine there. And I was like, but you guys, you controlled it before Israel. Like, you could have done it.

Oh, come on.

Oh, you're such a pussy. You're such a pussy. You're such a pussy. Listen, listen, listen.

Shut up. Let that go. Stop covering up for your country's actions.

So funny, he fared better in the jungle.

Put a box on your head, faggot.

He killed it in the jungle. He was great in South America.

I was having a great time in the worst hostage situation in the world.

Yeah, what'd you do? Lit the jungle on fire.

You lit the jungle on fire.

Legitimately, I take 13-hour buses, I'm rolling with it fine, and then I get to England, like, just make it hard for fucking immigrants.

Well, it's hilarious you tell me they kicked you out of Nicaragua. They kicked him out of Nicaragua because they thought he was a fucking press guy. Because of you. Because of my relationship to you.

Uh, Nicaragua, please.

They looked me up like, what's this?

Oh, Hogan. Now we're rolling.

They were calling and looking, googling me. I'm like, I was like, don't put in Joe and Ari, and I'm fucked. As soon as he was like, what's this experience thing?

I'm like, all right, I'll leave.

Patrice O'Neal's in Nicaragua.

Oh, you son of a bitch. That was a hard G. That was a hard G. That was a hard G.

It's a great country. He's a great comic.

Hey, Ari, could you hand me one of those?

Ari, every 2 months, free. I'm in. Let's go! We gotta start in the winter, but I'm in. All right, can I say this?

Your lady's gonna love it.

Thursday night show, Ari and Friends.

We have air conditioning.

Pay for all your expenses.

All right, what about this? Okay, what about September 4th? Yeah, Kanye in Chicago.

But that's like 2 weeks from now.

Ah, fuck, you're such a bitch.

What do you— that's a month, 6-hour flight, dude.

I thought it was nothing.

Today's August 12th.

I thought you said it was nothing.

You texted, it was just fine.

Yeah, okay, okay, never mind. Now you're not invited.

Fuck your shitbag apartment with lukewarm water.

If it's the right place to Chicago, I'm in.

Did they even let you fucking take showers over there, bro?

Legit, honestly, I have had diarrhea for 5 months from a parasite I got in Brazil. I'm not having a great time.

Why don't you take ivermectin?

How's the blood?

Yeah, I mean, it's an anti-parasitical. Hey, can I tell you this? When I, when I went, when I got whatever, COVID for the first time, I contacted somebody. I was in Florida. You're like, perfect, they got monoclonal, something like that, monoclonal antibodies. And then I was like, I called somebody, I was like, hey, They're like, you should take ivermectin. And I was like, I already have some. They're like, okay, comes in 4s or 8s. And I was like, well, I have 6s. And I was like, they're like, where'd you get 6 milligrams? I was like, my friend. And they're like, what? Where'd you get 6 milligram ones? I'm getting the numbers wrong, but they were like, I was like, my friend. I was like, is his name Joe? And they're like, yeah.

I had boxes of it. I bought it from India. I literally bought like a case of ivermectin.

You get a billion for 2 nickels.

Nickels, dude. I still have it. Yeah, I still have boxes of ivermectin.

You're like my parents with flour. I was there during COVID and I was like, you guys like get all this flour? Like, oh no, there's a sale like 2 months ago.

Yeah, we just like filled the house. The crazy thing is I was right. You guys, I was right. There's studies on it now. I was right.

Would ivermectin clear my parasite? 100%. That's what it's for.

Not from India. It's an anti-parasitical. I mean, I don't know if it's the one to clear up whatever the fuck you have. Well, you should get is checked out by a doctor. But meanwhile, over there, you have to wait for a fucking year for a doctor.

It ain't great here either. What are you talking about?

What, it's free over there at least?

Yeah, I gotta get on it.

I'm going to it. I'll send you to my doctor.

It'll take you 3 seconds to get in. Do it.

What are we talking about? Do it then. Why don't you tell me?

Why don't you just tell me you have parasites? I'll hook you up.

Wait, are we curing diarrhea now? I'll cure diarrhea. Diarrhea for 10 years.

I don't have one log in 5 months.

Damn, don't get in a hot tub.

I don't know, you need to eat only meat.

I'll try that. No, that gives you nothing but diarrhea.

Yeah, yeah, no, in the beginning. Yeah, and then after a while your body—

the carnivore diet, me and Matt, we did it for a month.

Well, the first couple weeks are disturbing.

I was delirious. We'd go on stage, me and Matt were backstage, I was like, dude, bro, I can't think, dude. This is— we're both like, dude, I've never been more tired in my life.

Yeah, I miss it.

I haven't I didn't even have diarrhea.

I messed up.

You had nothing? Water.

Oh no. The only thing that holds me back—

it was the grossest. That's bad.

The only thing that holds me back from the carnivore diet is the guinea in me. The guinea in me just wants spaghetti and pasta and pizza. Like last time I had a steak and cheese. Woo! Steak and cheese. What is that local company? These guys have a food truck in Austin. Oh, the Philly guys. Yeah, the Philly guys. So legit. They have a truck? A pasta truck? No, a Philly cheesesteak truck. Oh, I've been there.

I've gotten it. It's in East Austin.

It's so good. It's so good. Their cheesesteaks are so fucking legit.

I think they're Jersey and Philly.

What is it, Jamie? R&Bs? What is it? I don't know. You got to use a microphone, buddy.

R&Bs? I don't know.

I think that actually is it.

Yes. See if you can find it because I know I follow them. There it is. There it is, bro.

Oh yeah, I've eaten there.

I'm telling you, it is so—

I've eaten there. It's okay to feel good.

Shane can speak on this because you're a Philly guy. Guy, but those dudes, they came to the Green Room last night. It is fucking phenomenal steak and cheese.

All right, Chris and Boots.

Hard to find one around here. That's a good one.

But it's phenomenal. Just the right amount of spice to it. I'm telling you, these guys, they do it right, and they know what they're doing. They know what they're doing, and they're young guys, and they're cool as fuck. They brought it to the Green Room last night. We all had some. They bring in like a case of them to to the green room. That's so good. You can't get that in England.

You go in there hungry and you're like, please be something to the right.

I know, there's a box of burgers, 80 hamburgers.

Here's another thing to entice you. Oh, we have 7. Another thing to entice you: if you are ever at the club and you want something, all you have to do is just ask and they will deliver it. Whatever you want. No, you want steaks?

When you're at that club, you feel like Oprah. You just like reach out and somebody puts whatever you want in your hand. It's like tissue or fucking tea or anything.

You get a slider.

You get a slider. Whatever you want, just ask for it and you get it.

Can I say at minimum, the best is just, hey, pour your own drinks. You're a fucking adult. There's just a bunch of mixers. Go do whatever.

Oh, the drinks at the bar? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we— I wanted it. I wanted us to have a bar.

I don't want to bother a bartender. Just let me— I know it's free.

Just— you don't want to tip.

But there's that.

Fair, you got me on that one. But there's that too.

If you want a margarita, you could ask for a margarita.

That's true. You can't make it more.

Whatever you want. If you want a pizza and a margarita, they'll get it to you in 20 minutes. Damn. Whatever the fuck you want. Whatever you need. There's a pizza place right next door. They'll just get you a pizza.

They'll come back, bro. Somebody give me— it's not the best.

It's not the best.

I've legitimately seen homeless people turn down slices from there. That's not even the lie. They go, nah, dude, uh, nah.

Yeah, I thought about buying that place. Yeah, bury it. I thought about buying it and putting in a, like, a legit high-level pizza place.

Put in a vomitorium instead. It'll be better for the community.

6th Street is a fucking vomitorium. Oh yeah, 6th Street blows.

Security up there. Yeah, but it's also, it's like, I I love being in the middle of the shit. Uh-huh. Ooh. That's part of why I like putting that club there. It's funny, you're in there snowbasing. First of all, it helps the rest of the neighborhood. It really does. 'Cause it brings in a bunch of people that are there to have a good time. They're spending money. The pizza place is probably killing it because of that. The Mexican joint next door is probably killing it because of the club.

I like getting drunk on 6th Street.

The fucking, the food trucks are the move, dude. The food trucks on 6th Street are incredible.

No, 5th and 4th is where they are.

Seventh has good grape ones. Over by the creek. On the way to the creek, there's some fucking— Oh, right across there. There's a burger place that's legit as fuck up there. Taco House.

If you want diarrhea, if you already got a parasite, look no further than Taco House.

So where'd you get a parasite? In Brazil?

My last day, street meat. Drinking river water, you motherfucker.

Here we got the lettuce.

Everybody's saying the lettuce is bad here. What are you doing with your fingers? You know, whatever this is. What the fuck is this?

Is this the new sign language?

Every time I open Twitter, it's like, we got a new one. Anal parasite.

Yeah, lettuce is not good for you. You should eat only meat. I knew it.

It's a carnivore diet. I've always known that. Let's go, let's go.

Let us pray. I was in Italy and I ate so much that I almost died.

It's better over there. You can eat bread in Italy.

You can, but you can only eat so much. And then you push yourself. If you push yourself to the gluttony— with me, with pizza is like Shane with beer. I can get to a strange point where you're like, there's no way a human can really consume that much pizza.

You're not gonna fuck a fat chick after you eat a rigatoni.

Don't talk about your mom like that.

She's in a wheelchair, goddamn it.

She's dad now.

Perfect. This new rule.

But watch out, perfect, she can't run.

He's Larry Flint.

But, uh, watch out, that kid's gonna end up What?

Your mom's in a wheelchair.

Well, that—

I hit her with my car. I thought there was a joke.

I fucked her too hard.

No disrespect for James Gandolfini. Sorry, for real, if she's in a wheelchair.

No, no, no, she's got a bum leg. Gandolfini and I were dealing with very different digestive systems.

She's been dead for 30 years.

Yeah, I can consume some— I can consume some coke. Gandolfini was—

that wasn't the girl. It was the coke.

That was the coke.

Living in the coke and the booze.

What are you talking about?

17 oysters, 38, and then did coke.

Oh, was it coke?

Oh, he did a ton of coke.

Crank and did coke. Oh, his list of the menu is— his receipt is on the internet. I've seen the receipt.

It's— no, he did a ton of coke.

It's actually not that crazy. It's like lobster, lobster claws.

It's everything, everything you want in life. Like, the guy was living the right— like, I don't think he should have died young because it would have been awesome to see him be alive. Yeah, sure. But fuck, that guy did it.

Joe, when Joe started making money, he had to have an interview intervention from his business manager and his manager. They're like, dude, you have a gambling addiction. You're just getting started your career. You can't let gambling get— he's like, I don't gamble. He's like, $5 on pool once in a while. Like, dude, clearly we've looked at your finances. How are you spending this much? He goes, oh, I eat lobster every day.

When I first got my development deal, I would say lobster and steak every night, and I was taking my boys out. I was like, let's go. I would treat everybody. You're like a rapper. I had $150,000 and I was 25 years old. Like, this is the craziest thing. And I was poor my whole life, and I was like, let's go. Sussman was like, yeah, I think you have a gambling problem. Like, what? Because he knew I was playing pool every night. I was like, what?

No, I'm sorry, I would never spend that much on records. I'm like, bro, I'm living like a baller.

I think Tim Dillon's like that. He's the, the food and the Jets. Yeah, but he's rich.

Sure, I was not really rich. I had $150,000. You were fresh out of college, first job rich. Barely went to college. I was a dumbass. I was a dumbass with an enormous amount of money for no reason. Damn, you're on TV. Because I was boy pretty at 25. Hardball? Yeah, those Hardball days. And so like, I just spent— I was like, look, my thought was like, if this goes away, I should make the most out of it. Fuck like portioning it off so I could live okay for fucking 15 years. Fuck that.

Let's go. You were boy pretty. Did anyone ever try to suck you? In Hollywood?

Oh yeah. Oh no, you never got invited to a pool party? One comedian, uh, but it was at Montreal. A comedian at Montreal, I literally had to tell him I was gonna stomp a hole in his chest. What? Big J, he kept touching me, kept touching me and hitting on— he was drunk and kept touching me, and I was like, hey, you touch me one more time, I'm gonna stomp a fucking hole in your chest. No way. Yeah, yeah, it got gross because it was like 2 in the morning, was one of those deals, and it was, uh, at the Montreal Comedy Festival. It was a gay comedian who's been like hyper aggressive. Is he still working?

I don't really remember his last name.

No, no, no, no, no, it wasn't him. But that was a thing with him too. He got beat up by a guy in Hawaii. That guy got beat up by a guy in Hawaii and Don Marrero was like, what happened to you? And he's like, oh, some guy beat me up. And he's like, oh, what the fuck? That's terrible. And then he goes, and then I got the whole story. He got a little lit, hit on a regular guy.

That guy would be in the back when there was a new, like, 21-year-old door guy was on stage. He would just be in the back going like—

but to me, that was like the first time that I ever felt like a— well, it wasn't— I didn't feel like a woman because I could kill the guy. So there was a— but it was also like the thing about like a man being aggressive sexually towards you where you didn't— there was like— there's— you're no— there's not a chance you're going to convince me, right, that I don't want to go go upstairs with you. Like, this is crazy. But it was the aggressiveness of it that I was like, ooh, this has got to be awful.

So weird for a— because a gay guy can just go get laid so easily.

Not in Canada. I mean, this is in the '90s in Canada, but they want what they want. They got gay bars.

Some guy tried to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam.

Tried? How far did he get?

He got— he touched my dick.

I was like, dude, no.

Actually, under the pants? Over the pants.

Oh, I had a guy give me a stroke in a party bus once. Really? In high school, I was getting blown by a girl on a party bus, and a guy—

wait a minute, how did he get the girl's face away from your cock?

He said something, she went, huh? And then he grabbed my dick. I was on a party bus in high school. Remember those party buses? And, uh, we put all our money together, we rented a party bus. Can I borrow your sunglasses? Blown by a lady in the back the bus like Rosa Parks, and, uh, this— he said something and she popped her head up and he gave me his full stroke. Wow. And I was like, oh, and I pushed him and then was like, that was weird. And then she went back. He was like, I don't care, I got the stroke. It was a goof. It was a goof. Very funny goof. What if, what if he fucking—

what if you popped? You're hard, you're hard, and I touched you. What if she was, what if she was blowing you when you were on the edge and this guy gave you a stroke and you were like a broken fire hydrant, just boom!

The ceiling, the walls, the windows. It's a different time. That was normal back then. Gay humor was fun. He's a Marine now, that guy.

Yeah, obviously. You sure he's not in the Navy?

Yeah, boy, I remember those broke days. One time I did a club. You ever do the Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio?

I did not. It was a real shitbox. I did Youngstown. Was it the place that was connected to a club? It was, yes. And the hotel, and the club, it was connected. I did do it. The hotel's connected to a— the club is connect— the comedy club's connected to like a nightclub. And then the late show, the fucking music plays.

Yeah, that was it, that was it. It's impossible.

You're on stage, it's like—

what does this have to do with guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get back to the real—

let's not talk about the clubs. All right, pay scale. Let's not talk about shitty clubs.

Let's talk about you getting stroked by guys. Oh, all right.

Well, yeah, the guy jerks off. The other time? Uh, all the way? No, no, just one, one pump.

The same guy, same story. Yeah, I'm going back. If it keeps happening, you got to go, hey, yeah, this is habitual.

It's just odd.

One stroke, it keeps coming up.

Keep getting stroked. But yeah, the Funny Farm, one of my first headlining gigs, you know, it was 3 people in the audience, but the guy goes— the owner goes, hey, you want to— you want a meal? I was like, oh my God, I want a meal. Course. And he goes, get the swordfish, it's amazing, you gotta get the swordfish. I was like, oh my God, but you know, when you're broken, it's like exotic, you're like, oh my God, I gotta have this. And I was like, okay, thanks. And he goes, there's a great wine, it pairs well with the swordfish, because it was attached to a club kind of restaurant thing. So I was like, Oh, all right. And he— I drank like, you know, bottle and a half of wine, swordfish, couple beers, and he gave me the bill. Oh no, he was charging. No fucking way. I was getting paid like $400 for the weekend. The bill was like $380. Yeah. Oh, what? Those were the days.

So why did you think it was free?

Because the owner's going, hey, get this. He was upselling me on shit.

Oh, oh wow. Yeah. Got fucked. So he just didn't want to pay.

I bet that was a can.

He didn't want to pay you because he's not even giving you a discounted rate for the meals.

No, no half off.

No, you were performing that night. That's crazy.

Yeah, the whole weekend.

Diaz, I was going to Jacksonville.

I was like, what the fuck, man? You— I didn't know it was— I thought it was free. He's like, free? It's Swordfish.

How did it play out?

I had to pay the guy, and then he, you know, gave me a check for $400 at the end end of the weekend. But the swordfish shit was like $300, and the whole weekend was $400.

Yeah, yeah. Wow, what a scumbag.

So many scummy owners.

I mean, everybody's got those stories with it. What's that one story? I think it's a Joe List story where he tried to get paid and the guy just put a gun on the table and he's like, all right, I'll see you later.

Oh, I had a guy who I worked for, same thing, who didn't pay me. And then when he did pay me, he was a mob guy, and when he did did pay me, he paid me quite a bit less. And I said, what the fuck? I said, this is not what I was supposed to get. He goes, should be kind of happy with what you're getting. Oh, there you go. And I was like, all right, we're done. All right. I took the money. I was like, all right, guess I'm never working here again. Then he calls me up, try to get me to work at the club. I go, the last time you fucked me, you told me—

I would have worked there again in a second. Yeah, I did Fun Farm last week.

The same guy, the same guy.

He's gonna fuck— it was in New Haven, Connecticut.

It was tax-free. The same guy I saw I saw him beat a guy with his shoe. He pulled his shoe off, and you know, like those slippery, like nice dress shoes. Yeah, so it's got the leather with the wood, the wooden heel. He's beating a guy in the face with his fucking shoe. There's blood all over his shirt.

It was crazy. Shoe jitsu guy. That's crazy.

So this guy, I was like, okay, was that Joker's Wild?

Yep. I know that club. That was very mob run. I know that one too. I got the sword.

New Haven's It's a wild place. New Haven, Connecticut is a wild place.

Good pizza, bad. Lot of Italians.

Lot of Italians. Some of the best fucking pizza on earth.

Pepe's.

Like Dave Portnoy, when he talks about pizza, he talks about New Haven style pizza.

Sally's or—

Oh, there's too many Pepe's. Yeah.

One of my best friends. Tommy Jr., he's from—

Tommy Jr. Tommy Jr. Yeah, I love those clubs where they fuck you and you're just like, I'll take it and I'm just not gonna work there again.

Yeah, well, that's what I did with that guy. I never worked there again. He tried to get me to work there again. And then he tried to get me to work there after I'd been on NewsRadio. I'm like, bro, it's over.

And you want to go, hey, I'm half a wop over here.

Fucking didn't pay me. He didn't fucking pay me. Yeah, that's crazy. And also, you beat a guy with a shoe. What was the scenario there? I don't remember. I think the guy was heckling and he was drunk. And that's awesome. I don't want to say his name. This dude just pulled his fucking shoe off and he's beating this guy in the face with the heel of his shoe. I remember thinking, I never would have thought I never thought of that, but I never wear shoes like that. I wear shoes that like lace up, but he just, he slipped that thing right off his foot and used it as a weapon.

I mean, the heel on that is rock hard.

Oh, it's a fucking piece of wood. Yeah, you know, he beat the guy's nose. He beat him on the nose with the heel. Yeah, just grab the tip of the toe and just fucking whack, whack, and blood was everywhere. It was spraying off. His shirt was white and it was just splattered blood all over. The guy was being like, oh, now Allowed to laugh, and then he had to run from the cops. I got kicked out for laughing too loud. I was just helping this show, right? I was laughing too loud.

What's the Chappelle thing? I think it was the same thing. Oh yeah, like literally he came into the guy's office and he was like young and like, where the fuck's my money, man? And they put a gun on the table.

Yeah, yeah, we'll figure it out, right? Yeah, I guess we will. Well, that's Richard Pryor in one of his specials.

I mean, it must happen.

It happens. What happened to me? It happens. Like, he fucked me. He thought— I think I wouldn't even notice if I got fucked, but I knew how much I was supposed to get. Wasn't a lot of money.

I wasn't nobody. 300 bucks, right? Right, bro.

I was nobody back then. Also, it was like one of the worst clubs to work in terms of like, like crowd control. There was zero, zero. Everybody was nuts.

What about, what about that Chinese place in Massachusetts? You remember that? That place, you know, people just go— they were eating, they're wrapping up their food while you're on. Somebody comes on stage and like takes a selfie with you.

No, it wasn't the Kowloon, it was the place in Western Massachusetts, right? Yeah, yeah, it was a place like way out in the middle of nowhere. We only did one show there.

They would just come on stage and be like, we're getting a selfie.

I think it's a Bloomin' Rock place. Yeah, there's a Bloomin' Rock gig.

Yeah, it was again too. Don't leave, we're all just gone.

Me and Norman are hanging Strong. Hell yeah. What are you talking about, bro? I have 2 beers. How dare you?

This is my second one. Had a beer.

Oh my God, you had 2 cups?

I had 2 beers and a part of a Soju reading instead of drinking glasses.

That fucking nicotine knocked me down for a minute.

They'll get you. You just said the C on that one. Huh? You said the C on that one instead of the G.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Cut that.

I was in the green room of a place once in the office, rather, a place once, and we were getting paid. It was me and this kid. His name was— forget his last name, but his name was Brian. He was a big, big guy, like a huge guy. He was blonde, and you'd never think he was Jewish. He didn't look Jewish. And the owner of the club said something like, to the— in the— in the— like, I don't want to— like, I'm not trying to Jew you down. Yeah. And he went crazy. He lost it. He went crazy and started screaming at this guy, fuck you, you fucking anti-Semite. Traumatic because he didn't realize this guy was Jewish. Because Brian Fraser, right? And he was like, he was jacked, like way bigger than me. And I was like, oh my God, like what am I gonna do here? Like I don't want my friend to kill this guy. Yeah. And also not much I can do.

Yeah, trying to get paid here, buddy. He's trying to get paid.

And like it was just an expression that people would use.

Like, I know what it's from, but that they don't mean it like that.

Yeah, we use that all the time.

Term. You know, it's not gyp.

Yeah, you don't think of gypsies when you say it, right? That's the root word. You're like, that's fine, I didn't realize that.

It's weird where there's like certain nationalities we could completely make fun of them and it's no, no issue at all. Uh-huh. Like, uh, to stop being a guinea. Like, no one cares. What is that? Like wearing gold chains. Look at you, look like a guinea. Yeah, like wearing gold chains.

You need to take off as a—

it doesn't matter. And they were lynched.

They were Grandfather's Day in I did. My grandfather told me horror stories about him being an immigrant from Italy and what he had to deal with going to school here in America and in New Jersey and how crazy it was.

It's crazy to think of anti-Polish, anti-Irish, anti-Italian.

So specific racism. It's like, oh, it's just whites. So everyone has to be Anglo, I guess, from England? Like, what is the criteria to not get beat up?

It was the thing, it was like people that were coming from these Latin countries, people that were coming from Mexico, coming from Puerto Rico, people that are coming from Italy, you know, the countries that were initially Latin countries, brown people. Yeah. And Italians were thought of as brown people.

Yeah, but Irish aren't brown. There was Irish.

Yeah, but they were like poor, and then there were lower class. There were the people that were like working in fucking factories and working in the docks.

That is your racism, whites on whites.

Whites on whites. Wow.

A lot of Irish people were slaves. Yeah, yeah. Hey, right, talk to it. Give us that level of drinking.

You want to tell, uh, you want to tell—

we were like, usually a couple more beers ago, you know, we was kings.

Well, you want to tell white people back then, like, it's going to get worse. Like, if you're mad at this Irish guy, buckle up.

One day, one day they're not even going to read your scripts.

Yeah, you're going to hear like a coming soon. You're gonna regret that. Well, I'm just saying. Man, I'm watching a— I don't know what it is. Once I had a kid, I got way into history. I don't know why. I'm obsessed with history now. Well, I'm watching all these presidential documentaries on Netflix. They're unbelievable.

Yeah, presidents rule.

By the way, Ulysses S. Grant. Grant's my guy. I'm in love with this guy. He's my guy. Well, you know, he went to West Point.

Yeah, I think I've said this on the show. I talk about Grant. Give me some music, Jamie.

I love Grant. Grant rules.

What do you say? I'll talk about Grant all day.

Well, one cool thing was, you know, during the war, he was a big general, and they would go, hey, what is this song? It doesn't have to have fun songs.

Goddamn, that was in the middle of the story here.

Can't say it didn't surprise me. Let's What about Grant? Yeah, we gotta give him some music for his show.

All right, uh, so Grant was that like big general.

Brother, if I hear somebody else talking about Grant, I get jealous and mad.

He went to West Point, he went to college with a bunch of other guys who all got put into the war, and a lot of them, a lot of them were Confederate. So they'd be like, we gotta go beat up, we gotta go kill a bunch of people with this fort in Georgia. And he's like, who's the, who's the head guy over there? And they'd go, whatever, Sherman. And he'd go, "I went to school with that guy. He's a pussy." "He's a pussy. We can take him." So he knew everybody. So he'd be like, "Oh, I played ball with that guy.

He's a bitch. We can kill him." How crazy is that?

Like, he knew everybody.

That's exactly what happened to Mark. You're exactly right. That shit rocks.

Amazing. It's like my favorite thing about Grant.

I mean— You want to know some other cool things about Grant?

Please.

We could talk Grant all day.

He was kind of a loser for a while.

He was a loser.

Tried every farm, all this shit.

Well, the big thing for him was after West Point, he went and fought in Mexican War. Yes, he was a cavalryman, and he fought under Robert E. Lee alongside him in Mexico. And he gets home against the Mexicans and the Spanish. Oh, America gets messed up. Yeah, okay. But he, he found out that he remembers seeing Robert E. Lee being like nervous service before battle. Mm-hmm. He's gonna keep that with him the rest of his life. But after the war, he gets sent out west, and because there's no war, there's— it's just— they're just— he's just at a post. He misses his babe. He succumbs to the demon rum.

He's drinking. Yeah, he had a problem.

He gets kicked out of the— he gets kicked out of the army for being a drunk, goes home, frees his slaves. Slaves while he has $0. He married into slaves. His family, he came from abolitionist parents, but he married into a— his wife, her family had slaves. When he gets home—

wow, you left out a part.

He would free the slaves and he would bring them down to the courthouse and they go, dude, you can get like $2,000 for this guy. Yeah, he was like, nah, nah, let him go. I was getting to it.

Oh, sorry. Then he frees the slaves. This is like the worst. This is worth like a one of these.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he works— he works at his dad's general store, right? His father-in-law's general store. He's working as a fucking clerk.

And the dad— hey, general store—

he was like, this guy's a bum.

When the war breaks out, he is a fucking clerk. He's working a register at a store when the war breaks out. By the end of the war, he's, uh, he's controlling the entire Union Army. Exactly. 4 years. Then becomes president. He's working the fucking register at a grocery store.

It's like a St. Louis Cardinals quarterback story.

It really is. Yeah, he's the fucking man.

And he was great on a horse, so he took the world by storm because he went out in the middle of the battlefield and did the thing where he goes on the side of the horse.

That was in Mexico. He definitely didn't do that in the Civil War.

He did the side of the horse like the natives?

He went on the side of the horse so they couldn't shoot him, and then he popped up and killed a bunch of people. I mean, the guy was a complete badass. He's the man. And then just think of all those young guys who volunteered. You got to think of these old wars. They don't just have to fight. I have to go to a place.

I went to Fort Sumter on Saturday. No way. I was standing there.

No way, dude. That's crazy. Civil War. Wow.

Do you know how bored people must have been back then? They were like, just put me in war, please.

No, no, no, no, no. They care that much.

Well, there was that, but there's always that. That's literally every war. Every war, every single guy. Not all of them now, but like, it's always been like, it's gonna be adventure. Like, yeah, All Quiet on the Western Front.

And it was something that they looked forward to, like, romantically, because the way their grandparents talked about it, their fathers talked about— when people talked about war back then, it was a responsibility, a duty. Totally, man. A man stood up for his country. And yeah, also, the country was so young. I know, you're really fighting for something, but it was 100 years old.

A lot of guys would desert.

Not even 100 years old, right? It's sick of that. 1776. Yeah, it's 100 years old, but it's so recent.

FDR had what, 4 sons? They all went to war. So he's like, ah shit, I'm starting a war with, uh, Germany. I gotta, I gotta put my money where my mouth is. You send your troops, I'll send my 4 sons to war. Wow. And then, you know, some died.

Jesus. Stalin, Stalin Stalin had a—

well, he's a psycho.

He had a policy of like—

dude, you made me read that book on Stalin. I started reading it. I got maybe a chapter in the worst book of all time.

I can't do it. That's where it's horrifying. Annie Jacobson. It's the worst book of all. It's called Bloodlands. It's about the Eastern Front. It's the worst. It's the Nazis. It's the Nazis and the Soviets and what happened to like Belarus and Ukraine and—

oof, madone. Oh, they starved people.

Yeah. Ukraine Ukraine was the— the Holodomor was one of the worst things that's ever happened. So is communism the gayest shit ever? Of course. Somebody needs to look into how gay communism is.

Isn't it crazy that it's making a comeback? Yeah, it always does. It's a cycle. There's a cycle.

Is if we cannot call it communism if we get free healthcare, right? That would be a good move.

That would help a lot.

We're calling everybody communist, socialist, communist, and free healthcare healthcare is cool. Yeah, we should have that. It's normal. That's not communism.

We should have healthcare and education. Yeah, you should treat the entire country like it's a community. If you have a community, would you want the sickest person to fucking die who could be very valuable if you could like take care of them? And do you have the resources to take care of them? Of course you should. We're a rich country. Exactly.

You do it with libraries. It's no big deal.

This is the problem.

We don't feel like a community with— with—

this is the reason why people turn on all these millionaires. They turn on them because they— why do you have so much when people have so little? But it's because it's the game. It's the game that they're playing, and you're playing the game too. You're just not playing it at that level.

But again, these rich people pay a lot and give a lot of services.

But yeah, there's that, but also the services, the amount of money that they get is all going to corrupt people that are funneling into their own bank accounts. Yeah, that's the problem with running through Ireland. There's too many nonprofits. CEOs, and you know, you find out that the homeless people that are running the nonprofits in LA— like, somebody just sent me, like, here, I'll send it to you, Jamie.

I gotta get that Marshall Rogan coin.

It's so crazy when you look at the amount of money that is being paid to the people that run the homeless divisions. It's like, it's fucking bananas. Like, it's crazy. It's insane amounts of money.

Yeah, we're in a tough spot.

The hobos, the CEO of the homeless thing in LA made $1.6 million in the last 2 years. Wow. Yeah. And the president makes $200 grand, and you're doing a job, and you're also doing a bad job.

Yeah, you're also not—

there's no way someone could justify you getting a raise. There's no way someone could justify you getting that salary when you're objectively failing.

Yeah, but then you want to— people want higher minimum wage and stuff, but I'm like, that's not gonna do it.

Well, higher minimum wage is not the worst thing in the world.

No, I'm not against it. I'm just saying that's better. It's not gonna solve everything. Well, it won't solve everything.

It won't solve everything, but if you you knew, if you were a person that had a lot of money, and you knew that if you paid more taxes it was gonna go to make everybody feel better, the world would be better, the education would be better, people would have food, you would have free healthcare, schools would have nutritious meals. LA shelter provider has paid CEO who lives in Hawaii $1.6 million in salary and vacation over 2 years. That's bananas. 2 years, wow. That is literally insane. So that's a slush fund. That's not someone doing it because care. That's someone doing it because it's very profitable, and it's a slush fund. And this is why they tried so hard to keep Spencer Pratt from being the mayor of LA, because he wanted to expose all that shit, you know. And they mock him and make fun of him, and I did too, until you talk to him. You're like, oh, he's actually a very smart guy, and he's really well-read in this stuff. He really understands.

Try to write him off.

Well, also reality star, also, you know, he's a grifter. But he's actually— they're all grifters. Everyone that That person's a grifter. They're all grifters. Everyone's making a shitload of money pretending that they care and not doing any good. No one is fixing anything. The thing just keeps getting worse.

It is getting worse. Everything's getting worse.

They spent $24 billion on the homeless problem in California and it only got worse. And then when they tried to do an audit, Newsom vetoed it.

He wouldn't let them do an audit because everyone's taking their piece. Everyone's getting—

so Grant gets a hold of the army in the West. Starts making some noise out there. Lincoln's going, I got a bunch of these generals out east, they're scared, they're all scared of Robert E. Lee. I got fucking McClellan.

McClellan's a bum. He's a bum.

He's afraid to move forward.

Robert E. Lee was a good general. Unbelievable. Okay, I'm from the South. I'm not condoning—

oh, we'll fast forward. Eventually they go, this guy, this guy's been going nuts out on the West. Let's bring him in. And then he immediately is like, I remember Robert E. Lee, he was just as scared as I am, I'm not afraid of him. Everybody in the North was afraid of Robert E. Lee. They're like, this guy's a genius, he's gonna fuck us up. Grant was the one guy that was like, he's just as afraid as I am. Also, we got more guys, we can turn this into a war of attrition real quick. Let's see who loses more guys quickly or quicker. And he just— he attacks. It's wonderful.

It's unbelievable.

General Sherman, his boy. So they're boys. Sherman and Grant are boys. And Sherman has a nice quote. He was like, I helped out Grant when he was drunk, Grant helped me when I was crazy, we're boys forever. Sherman's like, bro, let me get an army, let me just march south and just fuck them up. So these are the only two guys also that treated the South like these are traitors. Wow. Like, they always— like, the guys like McClellan, all these other other guys, they were like, these are gentlemen, Robert E. Lee's a gentleman, all this. Sherman and Grant were like, yo, fuck these guys, they're traitors, they should be hung, right, for what they're doing, dude.

They're going against America, United States.

Could you imagine if Robert E. Lee won?

It wasn't that far off. It was.

We let them— we, we had— the North had kid gloves on, you think?

I mean, they lost a lot of guys too.

We lost a lot of— we lost more than them, but Even Shelby Foote, who's a famed Southern historian, was like, the North was fighting with one-armed top.

What's that, Jamie? Really? Fucking badass sword. Is that at Hinchcliffe's house? Said he was given this sword when he took over the Federal Army in 1864. It's been sold at auction though recently.

Crazy. $4 grand. How much?

Last time it sold, it was $5 million.

No, it's worth that much.

$4 grand in gold, but it's worth cheap.

Yeah, it was not that much. Yeah, I got—

I have Sherman's map when he marched. Wow. Through South Carolina with his pencil mark. How'd you get it?

Uh, Francis Ellis gave me it. What? Whoa.

Try showing a lady that who comes over. I do. I do.

I go, that was only $1.6 million.

Are you gonna kill me? And I go, here's my O.J. Simpson rushing trophy. And they go, he's definitely gonna kill me.

That was only one. Jamie has, uh, O.J.

Simpson's golf clubs. What? Well, me and Jamie were in the same auction. I got his rushing trophy.

I got all of his ties. Jamie got the golf clubs.

Kim Kardashian was in the same auction too. What was she trying to get? She bought, uh, the diary.

Me and her were bidding against each other. Yeah. Were you really? Yes. And then I ended up winning a bunch of them. I was— I had a couple drinks. I didn't think I was going to win all these. I won so many. I have an autographed picture of Bill Clinton O.J. from Bill Clinton that's like, to my dear friend O.J. And it was extremely expensive. And anytime somebody comes to my house, I go, check this out, and they go, cool. I go, fuck.

Oh, I'd get a photo with that.

I'd be jazzed up. Yeah, I'd get hard as a rock. Look at that, there it is.

There it is.

That's the one I got. To my dear friend. That's fun. My dear friend O.J. Simpson. He's a big, tall, handsome Man, from SF, bro. It's funny watching his old political speeches.

Yeah, Police Academy.

Yeah, Nordberg. Yeah, he's great.

Hertz commercials. Hertz commercials.

Yeah, he was in Police Academy.

Yeah, Naked Gun. Naked Gun.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Same thing.

All right, spin-off, same shit. Sorry.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if he was in both.

I wasn't being a cunt. Now, could you make a movie like that today? Naked Gun?

Yeah, you could, but you'd have to finance it independently.

Oh yeah, well, they remake. Yeah, the answer is yes. Could you make a movie like— you can make any movie today.

All right, good, because I'm making one.

Well, you know as much as anybody.

All they're asking for is that.

Me and Sam Riegel wrote one. We're shooting in October. Nice. What is it? Everybody wants it. It's just a raunchy '80s style comedy. Nice. Yeah, we're shooting. We got financing. I can't believe somebody's giving us money.

Theo and David Spade just did one.

Oh yeah, I heard that was hilarious.

I heard it was That's hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

It's nice that people are doing shit like that when you're trying— well, yeah, the gatekeepers!

Oh, Tires comes out?

Fuck 'em up! Hey hey hey! Season 3?!

Wow!

How much does that consume of you? Like to— good question. What did I miss? Is it how difficult is it to— I mean, seems to like in a big—

3 months is quick.

Gilly takes on a lot of it.

Keeves. Yeah, right, right, right, right.

Sorry, I'm a little drunk.

I'm a little drunk.

He's getting hit.

No, the rest of the guys— I mean, I, I help write, but I can do that from afar.

Uh, McKeever writes a lot of it. Yeah, so he's a talent.

Just write it, I'll show up, and he's the train.

So awesome. And it seems like Netflix has very little to say. You just kind of do it and give for sure. They've never changed anything. The man, Sarandos, is so cool. He's such a good dude. I've known that guy forever. I really— yeah, I did a Netflix special for them in 2005 when it was still like— 5? Yeah, 5. Yeah, it was discs. Yeah, yeah, I was like— I might have been the first. I might have been the first Netflix special. Phoenix, I think you were there. We did that show at the Improv Tempe. Yeah, we did it at the Improv. We filmed it.

Good club.

Because this is just a— this is just a real conversation that means—

congratulations. Yeah. All right, thanks. Did, did you go down on her?

Yeah, a little. Not—

yeah, it's like bare minimum is 15 minutes, planning for potentially 45. 45 minutes?

Who told you that? I read it. You have a book about how to eat pussy? Yeah, bro. Every day you say shit that makes me like— I— you're giving me a headache. That's Connor. Try not to laugh. Gurbin had a book about how to eat pussy.

Where'd he get it?

Oh, that's real. Oh, that's all. Yeah. Whoa. Immediately into the script. Whoa.

Can I get that book?

Uh, I forget. No offense. I'm not being anti-Semitic. Obviously a Jewish person. But yeah, we're writers. You guys love— no, but you guys also love sexuality. But pussy. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that.

Good at it. Black people, take notes.

DJ Khaled. Uh, and another one.

But Gurbin Gervais has a book on how to eat pussy, and he talks about it a lot, and it bothers me immensely.

Where do you get the book?

There's no way.

Oh my God, it's called How to Eat Pussy.

I do actually know the name of the book. It's called She Comes First. Oh no, I've heard that.

I've heard of that book.

Of course you have. It's like everybody poops right next to Anne Frank's diary.

Teach your children how to eat pussy. Jesus Christ. She comes first.

There it is. It is. Oh, is that a papaya?

Yep. Kermit Gerby's 250,000 copies. Bestseller.

That's not great. Amazing. Insect instruction. Number one bestseller in pussy. This shit pisses me off. The pussy. It bothers me.

And he's like, well, yeah, I do that. And then I bring her home and I go, and then sometimes you just tickle the front at first. You're like, dude, disgusting. You have a playbook on this?

Fuck you. So he is that guy. None of us acting.

Wow, it's totally— Kyler is the most— is the most— she's such trash. She does hilarious.

She does so well this season. Really? Yeah, that rules.

I'm excited for people to see that. Fun.

You got Soder in there? Soder's in it this year.

Is Ron White in it?

Ron White's not in it. Not this season. What happened? Bobby Lee, he just had one episode. Bobby Lee's in it this season. Foley's still Foley killed— Foley's amazing.

Foley is so fucking funny. He's a funny fucker.

He's like the best guy ever.

Yeah, he's a good hang.

He rules. He is the best hang.

He's got stories, but we can't get into it.

We can get into something. No, look, me and him have already talked about this on a podcast. It's like my favorite Foley story, because in Philly he was a demon. Yeah, like a fucking real demon. Yeah, him and Chris Scott and would fight. We'd go to the Raven Lounge, they would fist fight. Really, dude? It was crazy. Everybody's each other. Yes, everyone was on coke. The second somebody got on stage, Foley will blow up. Two guys in the back, two fat guys in the back, like, hey, shut the fuck up, fuck you. But, uh, Foley had a thing. He was telling me the story about it. He brought home a hooker and he was, he was—

this is all cool to talk about. I don't want to get the guy in trouble.

We've talked about it before on air.

Foley has a podcast called Are You Garbage?

He knows what He said he was bouncing, he was on coke bouncing on a yoga ball. He's like £400. Poor yoga ball. According to his story, which is my favorite version, is he was smoking a cigarette, he's got a hooker in there like standing in front of him like dancing in an empty room. He's on a yoga ball and the cherry from the cigarette fell and popped the yoga ball. Wow. I was like, it might have been fun. I was like, brother, that was you. I love the experience, like the idea of him 400-pound guy like flimsy chair. Baby, I like that shit. Yeah, boom.

That stripper got a good laugh. Or hooker, sorry.

He is fully fucking—

he's a treasure. He's a national treasure.

That's all right, let's bring this home.

Oh really? We're gonna get it?

What do you want to do?

You want to talk about— you got a 7 o'clock show.

I gotta pee. Go pee. All right, I'll be back.

Let's keep it going. Yeah, well, I'm drunk enough. Could you hand me a beer?

And for the record, sir, I beat Rogan on the whiz. We're doing well. Delete the first hour, it was worthless.

Jamie, bring up Jeremiah Love touchdowns highlights and just play in the back. We'll talk about other shit.

That's a good whiskey there. Bodega Cat.

I love Bodega Cat. Get a bottle.

I have a bottle. I stole one from your studio last time. I was like, maybe I might be drunk. I just like grab whatever I could. I was like, I'm just in New York for a month. I don't want to buy a bottle of liquor.

Don't give this guy an apartment in London.

He'll steal from you. They're doing it. They're not giving me one.

I love, I love you calling yourself an immigrant. So fun. So fun, bro. It pisses me off every time. It's so fun.

Technically it's true. Yeah, that's why he's doing it.

Yeah. There's no immigration problem in London. They're, they're all actually, it's very difficult to get a house as an immigrant. Yeah. Shut up.

I love it. I also tell them like, you know, soccer, the term came from you guys, association. And they go, it's football. I'm like, that's not according to you though.

That's true. That's fun.

I love calling them on their shit. It's so fun.

Those soccer games are amazing. Isn't it? Isn't it?

Also, by the way, college football destroys soccer.

What? Oh, I love it.

Yo, let's just watch my guy. Wow, look at the— look at the Catholic royalty in the uniform, bro.

Look up Kane highlights.

That is a white outfit. I've seen Harry Kane. I've seen all of his fucking bitch-ass.

Harry Kane is good.

Harry Kane, he spits when he talks.

And Bellingham, he's a sexy, sexy black. I just lost fucking Jed, huh?

They gave up Spence.

I don't know what that means. This is wonderful stuff. There you go. Watch this one. You guys are gonna like this.

They didn't show—

you're gonna like it. Barry Sanders shit. Knockdown, knockdown.

Whoa, I've never seen that move. Knockdown. He did a full Foley yoga ball. You're gonna like this.

45 after. That's good, Jamie.

So wait, you were shooting arrows? You're shooting arrows? Yeah, today. Yeah, today. Just shooting migrants.

Does your arm get worn out? No, I was playing MLB The Show.

I do it constantly.

I'm used to I'm used to doing it. Really? How's the bullseye? It's great.

You stuff your kills?

What's that? Stuff your kills? Stuff them? No, no, I turn them into euro mounts. It's just the skull and the antler. Nice.

Now let me ask you, if you hit a guy with an arrow, how many— how would it kill him?

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

I don't think it kills a 700-pound buck.

We can find out.

Does it kill an elk? Yes, it kills that. Well, you got a fucking high-powered crazy ass arrow. I'm talking about a bow and a— got a bow and arrow, a bow and arrow, 100% kill a guy.

That's how they killed every Belgian immigrant.

Oh my God, this is a crazy question.

That's how most people died. There were weapons.

Well, have you seen The Odyssey? The guy gets hit with 18 arrows and he's walking away. I know it's a movie.

That movie, that part—

I like the movie, but that part bothers me.

There's also— Greeks. Yeah, good point, Joe.

Good point. They were Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Uh, 100% can kill a person.

You know what I just watched? You know, I just watched last night was, uh, The Northman. Oh, I saw that. I saw it in theaters and didn't like it when I saw it the first time.

What?

I don't know what happened. It's just fun. It's all—

I rewatched it last night. It's so sick.

It's so sick. It's a good time.

It's one of the sickest movies.

The man, it's awesome. Yeah, Robert Eggers is the fucking man. Director. Director. He did Nosferatu.

Did he do The Vitch? Yes. And he's doing—

The Vitch is really good.

It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be sick.

Everything he's done, everything.

The Vitch was really good.

Nosferatu fucking ruled. Vitch ruled.

Movies are bad. Nosferatu is the greatest vampire movie of all time. Of all time. Nothing— Bram Stoker's Dracula was great. Nosferatu took it to a totally new level.

Lighthouse was fun.

Lighthouse. Yeah, that's right. Nosferatu is is for sure.

Hansel and Gretel, I never saw that one. I never saw— by the way, Obsession was like one of the best movies of all time. Obsession was so fucking—

can we say how funny Obsession was though? The first half, so funny, when it's just like clearly this is just having a nightmare girlfriend. The scene, the scene where he's like, where they're like, dude, it's guys night, and he's like, I don't care, I'm not afraid to tell her. He's like, okay, tell her then. He's like, all right, fine. He's in his car and he hangs up, and then like scary music starts playing. He goes inside and he's like, so, uh, I think I'm gonna go over to Tim's. She's like, okay, great, I'll get ready. And he's like, it's just gonna be the guys. And she's like, ah, how about when she— this is regular life—

taped over the door? Hilarious. It's like there's a slow build to complete insanity to the scene in the car. Yeah, she kills the other girl.

That girl was so good. That girl's unbelievable. She's gonna go far.

She ruled. And that's the crazy thing about it is like no one was known overnight.

Yeah, yeah. She can't walk down the street anymore. No, she's friends with a comic in New York. Oh yeah, she came into the Cellar once and it was like, it was like just getting from wherever they were on 6th to the Cellar took like 40 minutes. Wow.

And it was like, we went with Kanye and it wasn't that—

he took the car around to the store. Come on, he didn't walk with us, did he? Come on, did he walk with us? We walked from— did he walk walk with us? Yes. I don't remember that. We were walking— me, you, Louie, Rock, Chappelle. I don't remember Kanye walking with us.

And Kanye was— wow, it was so fucking cool.

That's a great photo. Somebody should have got ahead of you guys and took a photo. The funniest.

Yeah, it was so funny.

This group of dudes of all time.

Yeah, it's a lot of trouble.

We got that. This is how funny Tommy Pope is. It was me and my buddies. We got there in first, and Tommy is obliterated from the flight. And then Kanye comes— or no, Chappelle comes in first. He's sitting with us and he's like, Kanye's here, we should talk to Kanye. And I was like, yeah, please, obviously. And then Kanye comes and sits with us and then walks away. Anyway, we hang out with Kanye all night. The next morning, Tommy's like, I'd love to meet Kanye, I'd fucking— that'd be awesome. You hung out with him all night, you drunk fuck. Wow, you spent whole night with him.

It was so fucking cool. They were going— Chappelle came just randomly.

They weren't trying to meet us.

He just showed up. Rock showed up.

Louis showed up. No, then he goes, Rock and Louis are here. I was like, bring them down.

What? Okay. And then, and then, and then, and then Chappelle was like, I'm gonna smoke a joint. Sam Jay went back there, and I was like, I think I kind of want to go back there and smoke a joint with them. And then he's like— Shane's like, well, you can't go now. I'm like, why not? You didn't see you went back there? I'm like, no. Kanye. I would seem like I'm going just for that.

And I went, uh, but yeah, it was, it was hard wrangling them to be like, because I was the one that was like, we should probably do stand-up tonight, right, fellas? Because it's you guys. Yeah. And the only one that was like, definitely, was Kanye. Kanye was like, yes. Oh, that'd be fun.

Did he go on?

No, he just stood.

He stood on the stage for a second. Yeah. Weird.

But he was the one. How long ago was this?

May? Was it May? So Chappelle goes on, he goes— at first my idea was like, I'm gonna just go up and bring Shane on, then Chappelle's like, I'm gonna host. Yeah, look at that. Oh yeah, Chappelle goes on and does 7 minutes.

Oh, this is LA.

Yeah, Chappelle goes on, it does 7 minutes. Nicole was on, had no idea who was in the back, which was all these guys.

Wow.

And so we're in the back row and it's Shane and Mitzi's chair, Louis right next to him, or vice versa. I'm right there and they go, hey, um, Kanye's people need these chairs. And Louis and Shane were like, at first we're just And everyone was like, oh, okay. And they looked at each other and they just go, no. Wow. We're comics, dude.

What a list. It's a cancel fest.

I love it.

Chappelle went on, did 7 minutes, and goes, it's a cancel comedy cavalcade. He brought up Shane, do his roast jokes. He goes, it gets better. This next guy was a horrible person to women. Brings up Louis, and then goes, this next guy's even worse. Spoke about someone's wife and got slapped in the face for it.

Oh my God.

Chris Rock. This is midnight and onwards.

Oh my God, there was a crowd going bananas.

It was 27 of them and they were like, what the fuck? And then a bear closes it out.

Isn't that amazing? Only 27 people saw that.

Yeah, that's a bear.

Don Bears killed.

That's a funny song.

Followed and killed. Wow.

So they were in the back. Kanye's got Give Me the Aux. He's just playing unreleased tracks. What? Stuff he likes and then his own stuff that's released.

Damn, that's amazing.

He explained his mania. Really? Yeah, he goes, guys, it wasn't about— it wasn't about the Jews. It wasn't about— it could have been about immigrants, about gays. Because Chappelle, I went after you.

I was crazy. I was crazy. Oh, that's cool.

Because I wasn't in my right mind. I'm next to Charles and he just goes— he points at me. I was like— he goes, that guy has a bit about it. And I was like, wait, what? Charles is like, yeah, Charles is like, did you hear that? I'm like, I thought I did. Did he just say that guy has a bit about it? Yeah, he's just like, it was so fucking cool. That's bananas. Everyone's up there. Ross is back there. Khalib Kweli's there. It was great.

It was a great hodgepodge of opinions on Judaism.

It really was. Chappelle was like, we were trying to get Kanye. He's like, I think I should play Israel.

He's like, you can't play a totalitarian regime.

I was the only one one that was like, hey, don't do that.

Yeah, he goes, you can't play a Total Destruction. I was like, didn't you go to Saudi Arabia?

Yeah, that was a great festival, dude.

I had to pick up my luggage from your hotel right afterwards.

How was this? How you went to Saudi?

It was— I would go again. Good choice. I mean, I got a world of shit, but it was so fun.

Yeah, but you feel like you skated more than anybody. Yeah, I didn't know.

You never stood for anything. I don't understand for anything.

They said you can't talk about this.

Yeah, you don't stand for shit, so you're not I'm not a hypocrite, right?

I— they said you can't talk about this. They gave you a list of stuff and you're like, I don't know anything about that. I was like, oh, okay, this is like half my act. Everything. Oh, you know, can't fuck with the government, can't fuck with trans, can't fuck with gay, can't do this. Why? Trans? No trans or gay jokes?

You can't support trans or gay people.

Support, right? So that was fine.

That's what they said.

No, stuff like that.

Yeah, literally just a Mothership set, right? Just the contract you sign when you do the mothership.

But I got on stage in blood. Everybody got in my head like, be careful out there, man, they're gonna chop your hands off, it's gonna be crazy.

And I was like, you're a shoplifter.

Yeah, that's true. Uh, so I got there and I'm like, I'm laying on the plane.

Saudi Arabia.

No, no, not that crazy. I got one Clif Bar from Hudson News. But I landed and, uh, I'm like, women are drunk What? This place has gone to shit. Like, the whole thing was— it's all a ruse. It's not that crazy. Yeah. So then I got to the hotel and I did one night because I was like, I better get in, better get out, they're gonna kill me. And it was great. They couldn't have been more hospitable. And I did the show and I was like, oh God, what am I gonna talk about? I got— my whole act is cut in half. And then, you know, you're on stage and you get in that rhythm and you just do your act because it's all you know. I just did my act and I did everything they said not to do, and it It was fine. I did Muslim jokes. I was like, uh, you guys get high? What do you, stone each other? You know, shit like that. And they're like, ah! They were the best crowd ever. They were so nice. It was great. And I got the hell out of there.

Well, imagine like you've never had comedy there and all of a sudden you have the best comics in the world.

Yeah.

Kind of crazy.

Yeah, there was some great comics there. I mean, they said no.

Nobody was reporting.

Shane said no. I said no. Yeah. Tony said no too. They offered Tony a lot of money. He said no.

So funny, they went after the right-wing comics and the right-wing comics are the ones that go no. And then in the roast, they're like, these right-wing comics, like it was only a left.

Well, that wasn't the roast, it was only Chelsea. It was only Chelsea and somebody probably wrote that. The whole thing was ridiculous. It was a total straw man.

She's doing good, support her. Super, super good, Chelsea. I think she's doing good. I, I, I liked her.

We had a nice time together. She had a good set, she killed.

It's all the stuff she says when you're not around.

Yeah, once you leave, that's when she starts chirping. But she was very nice in person.

That's the problem with a lot of people.

That's why social media sucks. Yeah, it brings it out of you.

It's all these people that shit on Joe Rogan and they go on his podcast and don't say shit. You're signaling.

You got to signal.

Yeah, you're signaling. And then, you know, you have to signal after you leave.

Yeah, fuck off. Yeah, you knew who was on it when you signed up, you know. Yeah, you go to an orgy, you can't be mad you got jizzed on.

Could just not gone.

Yeah, that's a good point.

He could not have come.

Well, I have a point. All right, guys, are you guys, uh, let's, let's talk a little college football. Uh, let's talk a little.

What about— we gotta get back to Grant.

We can talk Grant, we can talk Civil War all day.

Are we going on tonight? What's the plan here?

Well, I ain't—

we're drinking for DeRosa.

Oh, we got DeRosa coming out.

What are you guys doing? He got on Netflix.

Joe DeRosa is on Netflix for the first time. He did the show yesterday.

That is a great fucking special. No humor. He was on the show last night too. He killed— he is a funny Egyptian adopted person. Fun dude too.

Yeah, fun to hang out with.

Best drinkers.

Most of the time he's a great hang. Yeah, he can be a little baby every once in a while.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'll have to have a heart-to-heart with you once. Nobody loves a heart-to-heart.

Heart-to-heart. Let's talk to— sound like, are we doing that now? I'm adopted. He's also whatever.

He's also the most minuscule thing on earth.

Drunk and he's like, come on, let's do shots. I'm like, dude, we're so bombed. This is such a bad idea. And he's like, fucking pussy, do a shot. He's gone 9 minutes later at KFC and he's asleep.

He loves KFC. He loves it. How is he not dead?

I haven't had it in 20 years, but KFC rules.

But here's what Dirtbag did. We got drunk one night. This is 10 years ago in New York. And he's like, we got to go to KFC. I was like, uh, and the only one open was in Penn Station. So it's me and him in Penn Station at like 4 in the morning eating next to like a homeless guy. It was the saddest night of my life. And he's like, this is the best KFC. I've tried them all. This one's good. He's great.

Savannah KFC, KFC Penn Station.

He's the Anthony Bourdain of KFC.

The best is during COVID because he was in the neighborhood when you were like, it was noon and you're like, hey, they're serving beers outside. He goes, I'll meet you in 10. Just— and then you call Jay. No one's doing anything. And DeRosa was just always down to booze.

Always easiest guy to convince. Oh, there's one little pushback and you go, I got a shot.

And he's like, all right, I got a business meeting later. He's like, you sure? He goes, I'll meet you.

Yeah, that was it. How are those Voodoo Rangers treating you?

They're good, they're solid.

I like them. All right, all right, that was good. One more beer.

Yeah, come on, guys, guys, that's your birthday.

Let's all do a fucking— hey, J Mo, you want to cue up a birthday song by Drake?

Uh, one of these things, these Voodoo IPAs.

Hey, did Burt— did Burt get back on the— I know Brad pitched drinking, which is exciting. Shout out to BP.

Didn't even know he was sick. Yo, you're gonna bong a Voodoo Ranger?

Oh man, that's like drinking gravy. That's hard. Chugging gravy.

Yeah, play this for Joe's birthday.

It's a celebration. Wait, is Bert back on the wagon?

I don't think so. I think he's still not drinking. No way. Yeah, he's still not—

I thought he was off in July.

No, I think he's, uh, look, he had some serious fucking health issues. Yeah, for 30 years. Yeah, but he had crazy blood clots, obesity, blood clot, 3 vaccinations.

I just said that, that was funny.

He took 3 of those fucking mRNA vaccines.

Now Conor McGregor is trying to piggyback.

Conor McGregor stopped doing alcohol. So funny. Switching off Coke.

I'm going back to alcohol.

He don't have a leg to stand on.

He's basically selling, uh, his stout. He has, uh, yeah, another— Black Forge. Yeah. Gentlemen, happy birthday!

Happy birthday! Hey, you're going to be 60 soon.

That's crazy.

Damn, that was good.

That was fast. You still got it.

That was a fresh one. That was Cool, bro. Yes, Joe.

Yeah, I'm used to the cold plunge. I can take cold temperatures.

Wow, down your throat.

Ah, better than Hot Ones. Hot and thick.

It's a good show.

Ah, I haven't done it.

What? Yeah, what are you waiting for?

I did it. It's a ridiculous way to answer questions.

Really? How so? He eat the hot wings and you answer questions.

I was hungover and, uh, wings are perfect for that. I always eat wings. It's actually great. The wings were great. Oh, that's nice. And he, he's very nice. He's the man.

He's a very nice guy. I met him at the store.

It was just— yeah, he's the man. I just suck at that type of— I'm not good at that.

It's a crazy way to do a conversation where you're dying from fucking sauce. The best was Conan.

Conan called in his own medical staff.

He killed it. He killed it.

He really did. Medical staff?

Yeah, it was like he rubbed hot sauce all over his face.

He's chugging milk. Yeah, it was great. I was crushing the milk. Milk helps.

He was like, he was like, yeah, he's drinking a lot of milk.

You should really get raw milk with all the creams in it. That's the move. Ah, how to really coat your throat. What about raw milk? Where do you get raw milk?

I drink it every week. Where do you get it?

Get it at a farmer's market. The Amish, brother. Yeah, I drink raw milk. I drink a gallon of raw milk Book every week.

You know what I like about the Amish? So good. The Amish is cool because they don't force it on anybody. They do their own bullshit. They're in the buggy, they're churning butter. They don't push it on us.

They all want to bowl. Unlike communism.

Have autism.

Oh, the only people in the Amish community have autism is adopted kids that were already vaccinated.

Dude, they said if you switch off lactose, it cures autism. A lot of people, but that's probably the raw. It's the, it's the not raw.

They're not vaccinated. They don't take kids and just jab them up, filled with aluminum and fucking mercury.

Milk is also a thing for autism. Yeah. What? Yeah. And it might be the non-raw milk because no one drinks milk.

I think the issue with milk is it does cause autism. Yeah. The ones that— the children that they've found that have autism are the ones that were adopted.

They just don't go to the doctor, right?

That's it. They don't have anything.